20 THE RICE THRESHER BACKPAGE FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2006

Diversity: A Very Special Backpage Misclass “Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, but you laugh because they’re based on truth.” “Guys, I’m gay. Did I say gay? Here at the Backpage, we don’t see color. That is because this week we are in black and white. But given Rice’s new award I meant drunk.” from the Princeton Review for diversity, which has totally replaced that black jockey statue in the quad, — Overheard at ’80s party. diversity has been a hot topic of discussion. So get on your hustle and fl o and be ready to ask some tough questions. “Come on, be a dude. Hit your girlfriend.” Questions to never ask. Ever. — Hanszen senior “I love your festering cunt..... Question: You ever notice how crime rates go down during it makes me wet.” BSA meetings? — Overheard at Coffeehouse Answer: No, this isn’t a hyper-ironic joke poking fun at racism. Rice crime statistics go down during BSA meetings because “You may want to stay away there are no black students around for RUPD to racially profi le. from orifices and the water- Remeber, you can make fun of many demographics, but there fall then.” are still racial tensions on campus, so be careful. At least we’ve — Digital photo teacher come far enough to grind at a public party to Trina’s “Tongue Song.” Nigga fuck all the juice in tha booze ya pop / You gets “You broke my futon.” no skin jus cumin wit cock put you face up in my cocha “It was for a good cause.” “Your sex life is not that Question: You ever notice how Asian kids study all the good a cause.” time? — Overheard at ’80s party Answer: There are two answers to this question. First, their eyes are so squinty that it is diffi cult for our friends from the Orient to see the page, so they must stare longer. Second, FAMILY’S WEEKEND: whenever they are studying something, Asian people just forget it again an hour later. math: Notice the horribly incorrect equation and the teacher’s The home game response. Obviously, the sum of Cross plus Jewish star plus cres- Question: You ever notice how white, conservative, upper-middle cent isn’t world peace. It actually equals self righteous, neurotic, Get drunk with parents: 20pts class, straight, Christian males feel so oppressed all the time? suicidal bastards. Someone forgot to carry The One. Besides, By playing beer pong: 50 Answer: It is because they are dumb. Why do you think they hold so there are other variables in the equation: Hindu, Buddhist and And they buy: 100 many bible studies? It is because they’re too stupid to remember all the other non-Abrahamic religions. And what about people it, so they have to keep reading it over and over again. This idiocy with no religion? Oh, I forgot. They hate America. As George prevents them from seeing that they are the ones in massive control Bush Sr. said, “I don’t know that atheists should be considered Hook up with someone’s visiting of government, private industry and social structure. Therefore, as citizens.” sibling: 200 pts they react in fear to any sort of challenge. A parent: 500 pts Question: You ever notice how only women and gays have re- Your parent: -1000 pts Question: You ever notice those horribly clichéd murals in source centers? Farnsworth Pavilion in the RMC? Answer: Lucky bastards. Why do women and gays get all the Someone asks your parent to Answer: Yes, but those aren’t murals. They’re collages made from breaks? I want a “I heart Rice vaginas” shirt, too. Though, “I heart feel her new implants: -50 pts bad elementary school homework. Notice this piece of third grade Rice boobies” would be more accurate.

classifi [email protected] CLASSIFIEDS (713) 348-3974 HELP WANTED TUTOR FOR $15-$30/hr. Required: TEACH KIDS ENGLISH in Japan! FAMILY SEEKS RESPONSIBLE SEEKING VERY RESPONSIBLE, capable in all core high school subjects AEON Amity Corp. is interviewing Female Rice Student as Parent’s patient Rice student to babysit EDUCATIONAL CONSULTING AND (Math, Science, English, History, in Houston the week of October Helper, and Homework supervisor for energetic and adorable young Tutoring Business located in the Spanish or French); Min. GPA 3.0; Min. 21st, 2006. Amity English Schools child 13. This is a Part Time position toddler. Weeknights/weekends. Galleria area needs experienced tutors 72 hours college credit; Reliable vehicle; offer salaried positions at each near TMC. Safe driving record essen- Approx. 10 – 15 hours/week. We for Education Consultant’s offi ce in the Available weeknights. (713) 664-8085. of our 70+ schools for dedicated tial as transportation from school is are walking/short driving distance following areas: SAT, SAT II and ACT professionals who have a BA/BS entailed. The family offers competitive away. Undergrad/Grad student. 2 preparation; English (reading com- TUTORS WANTED. LEARNING , degree. Competitive salary, sub- pay, and gas allowance. Please call Education/Teaching studies a plus. prehension, writing), Math, Science, a private tutorial service, needs sidized housing, comprehensive (281) 433-0837 or send email to Please provide references. Aliza History and Spanish. The applicant part-time tutors in Mathematics, insurance, furnished apartment. [email protected]. (713) 542-2475. must be profi cient in SAT/ACT prep Biology, Chemistry, Physics, French, Japanese language or teaching exp. and academic subjects; have excel- Spanish, English, Economics, and not required. Submit resume & 500 COORDINATOR, CONTINUING MATH AND ENGLISH tutor needed lent communication skills that would Finance. Flexible hours. Excellent pay. word essay, “Why I Want to Teach EDUCATION: 20 hours/week. Tex- for a 14-year-old highschool student. appeal to middle school, high school No house calls. Offi ce located close to Kids & Live in Japan” online at as Woman’s University - Houston. 5 days a week. Please call Elizabeth and/or college bound young adults campus. (713) 528-7085. www.amityteachers.com. Questions? Requires Bachelor’s degree in (832) 282-2202. and have reliable transportation. It is E-mail: [email protected]. Business Administration, Marketing or a part-time position with fl exible hours BARTENDERS WANTED! $250 related fi eld. One years experience in RICE ALUM SEEKS female grad ($25.00/hour). Please email resume per day potential. No experience WANTED: A PART-TIME sitter in the development and/or implementation student for help with daughter. Study to [email protected] or fax to necessary. Training provided. Age 18+ afternoons for two energetic, fun loving of programs involving community or prep for ISBE, general turoring, (713) 784-9565, Attn: Terrell Wilson. OK. (800) 965-6520 ext. 289. boys, ages 5 and 10. We live in the professional organizations, preferably pick-up at school and take home. Rice area and need a dependable and educational. Additional job-related References requested. Please e-mail conscientious student to pick the boys experience, particularly in area of sales/ Virginia at [email protected]. up from school and watch them until marketing, may be substituted for the we arrive home from work. Hours are required education on a year-for-year HOUSING generally from 2:30 until 6:00 M-F. Can basis. Interpersonal skills, fi nancial be somewhat fl exible with the beginning management, communication (written MUSEUM DISTRICT. BIKE to Rice. time and the number of days per week. and oral) skills preferred. Health care One bedroom apartment at 1414 Please call (281) 723-8554 to respond. background preferred. Contact Colleen Castle Ct. Hardwood fl oors, central air Ferguson, (940) 898-3404. and heat, assigned covered parking. RENEWABLE ENERGY FIRM, $635 with lease and deposit. Andover concentration on providing DOG WALKING/PET sitting (713) 524-3344. affordable solar light to the developing positions available for dependable world, seeks volunteer and interns and service oriented individuals. BEDROOM AND BATH, home of for offi ce, marketing and ad work. Servicing area 5 mile radius of Rice Rice alum. Rent free for male student, Potential to move to compensated Village. Reliable transportation a junior and above. About 4 miles from employment, 10–15 hours/week. must! Compensation from $500-$1000 Rice. Non=smoker. References. If al- Office on Bissonet, near Rice U. monthly. Contact Rice Village Pets at lergic or afraid of dog, do not apply. E-mail to [email protected]. (713) 874-0537. (713) 665-8703.

PRIVATE MONTESSORI SCHOOL near Rice University is looking for part- time assistants and substitutes. Great if you are needing fl exible hours and CLASSIFIED ADS The Rice Thresher wanting an enjoyable and rewarding Attn: Classifi eds job. Call Tara @ (713) 520-0738. Rates are as follows: 6100 Main St., MS-524 1–35 words: $15 Houston, TX 77005-1892 THE DEPARTMENT OF Statistics 36–70 words: $30 Phone: (713) 348-3974 is seeking both grading support and 71–105 words: $45 TA support for the following courses: Fax: (713) 348-5238 STAT 280, STAT 305, STAT 310, Cash, check or credit card pay- The Thresher reserves the right STAT 331. If you have an interest in ment must accompany your ad. to refuse any advertising for any helping the Statistics depart- reason and does not take respon- ment with its educational mission, Deadline is Monday at 5 p.m. sibility for the factual content of please contact Dr. Kathy Ensor prior to Friday publication. ([email protected]), chair of the any ad. Department.