volume 64, number 41.5 LL61 '*8i \iJLdTB 'Xupijj Elevator ride proves fatal (Full Court Press iRRational) population to destroy morals and all its weapons be in working order The Pentagon announced today disrupt personal cash flows. The at some time before their use. that Frown and Loot, on a ethics of use of such a weapon Thus the testing of each unit contract from the Harmy, has even during wartime offends some forces Frown and Loot into a $5 sucessfully complete development people. million cost overrun. There are of the newest, most sophisticated, Senator Rab L. Rouser (R- also unconfined rumors that a most deadly, most silly weapon Guam) has accused Frown and Debt Ray that was being shipped designed to strike terror into the Loot and the Pentagon of secretly to a testing site accidently went off cold black, communist hearts of testing the Debt Ray on the inside the post office to the tune of our enemies—the infamous Debt American public, both against $250 million (dollars). Ray. innocent individuals and The development of the Debt A Pentagon propoganda widespread dispersal beams Ray also poses another problem spokesman described the weapon aimed at a large metropolitan area. for Stenographer of State Virus as a "sort of gun, that, when aimed Rouser alleges that earlier this Stance, who is presently involved and fired at a particular target, year, the Harmy tested a in arms limitation talks with the An unidentified member of Silly Rich samples the latest improvement offered by Food would throw that person, or prototype of the Debt Ray on a Soviet Union. The Russians will Disservice. This program starts next week on a trial basis in the colleges.—baldur instituition in debt." Thus a B-52 popular entertainer, Teddie Lints, probably insist that the U.S. give unterbaum equipped with a Debt Ray could fly who suddenly received a deluge of up the Debt Ray as a precondition over a Russian munitions factory, bills due and his investments fell for any agreement. The Soviet hit it with the debt ray, and shut through. Lints became so News Agency Crass said in an the place down because of despondent that he committed editorial this week, "The Clothing cover-up bankruptcy. Government suicide to end his misery. Senator continuing effort of the United economists note, however, that Rouser also said that.the "large States to develop sinister and they EXPLODED and left the Debt Ray's usefulness in such metropolitan area in which small unethical weapons which could little pieces of fabric hanging a situation would be limited, as the tests of the Debt Ray were made" only be used against civilians is a Well, the summer fashions from everything in the plant could be quickly re-opened the Pentagon refers to was in fact direct violation of the Helsinki are on the way—and all of the dressing'room. Whatdoyoudo using deficit spending, govern- New York City, although no one Accord and presents a great clothes you own will become then? ment subsidies, and deferred outside New York has attributed obstacle in the upcoming obsolete when they hit the You could always try cuffs. payment loans. Thus a great much truth to that allegation. negotiations." In Peking an official stores. So what are you going They seemed to be in style a controversy has arisen, as Frown and Loot has also government statement said, to do about it? You'll buy an while back. Well, carry it out. opponents of the Ray have admitted to having problems with "There is great disorder in entire new wardrobe, that's How about cuffs? Why not accused the Pentagon of planning construction of the Debt Ray, Trenton, and the Russians what. Of course. Can't be out nothing but cuffs? Say thirty to use it against the civilian because the Harmy requires that deserve whatever they get." of style now, can we? Wouldn't want to look weird at a party, of them, covering your entire or be stared at, would you? leg. You'd only collect dirt and Well. . . dust in the bottom ones and the top ones could be San Marino sells lots of stamps AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! rubberized so that they would Why not stand out in a Dr. T. N Yurseeker, associate written a book that contains hold your bodily excretions know about quantum physics crowd? We are all individuals (No need for a zipper that professor of physics at Rice everything the average and subatomic particle research. aren't we? Not sheep. Even University in Houston, has American housewife should way!) You'd have to be careful sheep wear the same thing how you walked around to - '•> - " i • "•*, f - ' ,> • The book will be released from year to year. You don't , J* £l$> see them changing styles with avoid spillage, though. sometime next month by Last If you don't like cuffs, there's Ditch Paperbacks, Inc., a the seasons do you? Maybe winter makes their coats a always corduroy. That is the subsidiary of Vicious Distorted current style, isn't it? Just Publishing Company, a little thicker, but otherwise it's the same thing all year. Why what is the average temr subsidiary of A. The book will erature in Houston? 85° in the me cost $4.95 in paperback, $13.95 can't humans do the same JIf> v^V » thing? summer? Kind of hot to be hard covered, except on wearing insulated pants, isn't Tuesdays, when the prices will b i ' it? Well, you could make every be selected at random. Have you ever walked into a • v. • , : . clothing store hoping to find fourth little cord a tiny coolant the same kind of pants as tube and wear a large, Dr. T.N. Yurseeker has been you've been wearing for the cumbersome air conditioning an associate progressor at Rice last year? And you didn't pack on you back. But you University in Houston for four really like them when you wouldn't mind a little years and is due for a review bought them, but you got used discomfort, would you? It's the for tenure next year. His new to them. You had to. It was the fashion. (AAAHHHHHU!) book will be his third same thing everywhere you Even if the little cords do get publication this month. The went. You had to buy them dirty awfully easy, and when book, entitled There is Great whether you liked them or not. they wear out you wind up Disorder Under Heaven, So now you want more, but the with a contour map instead of and the Job Market is Poor, pants. contains all the information style seems to have changed. the layman needs to perform Weird looking things, aren't How about pants without experiments in nuclear they?. Some of them don't even pockets? Very sensuous. research, all the way from appear to be symmetrical. Unless you happen to be a controlled fission to nuclear What's that you say, the male-type person. A total lack fusion, which the average distance from the crotch to the of pockets means that you homeowner could use to belt-loops is only three inches? have to carry some variety of supply his home energy needs And when you got them on, handbag, and take the risk of for the next 750,398 years. and finally got them buttoned, being picked up by an "It's not that I'm not grateful, I really am," I said, spooking as clearly as I could. "But if and then got the zipper pulled undecided-type person. you don't lot mo got to bod, Cm going to pass out right hero." up (that is if they have a — alter underwoo (continued on page 8) zipper) and you inhaled again, (continued on page 7) lliliillill Some people never learn by Pick-up Paper have to scare the crowds away. fections and Mechanical This week the Trasher Once you get passes Ceng 301 Properties of Crystalline delves into a topic only your academic career flows as Solids" you know it has to be whispered about in academic smoothly as crude oil through easy. Th e trasher is an outl et for th em emb ers of circles—the phenomen of the a refinery. Unfortunately I th e Thresher steff to 1 et out that pirt of th e ir jelly roll. We all know about keep hearing nasty things t- As for you poor academs, cr ait iv e g en ius wh bh do es not, forturat ely, them and know people who about black beans and firing^ you'll just have to suffer s e ep into th e pap er dur ing th e r est of th e y ear. have taken them—quite squads. Anyway. p without easy courses to soften Its ma in purpos e is to ent erte in in a has ially possibly ourselves. While we For those of you who can as your load. For those who insist humorous iish ion although, adm itt edly, it do es not could be learning something plug in a toaster without being § on a free ride may we suggest ach i ev e th e d es ir ed eff Act ev ery y ear (no useful, we pad our transcripts electrocuted, easy courses ® B—Law, Poli 309-310, but keep with trivial courses that we await you in the EE/Masc' it brief. Semi-literates will sp ec if es, pi eas e). Th e Thresher slaff has never show up for and forget departments. The staff's end flavour ed tocl aan up itsact, so to sp oak, in th is enjoy Engl 333, advanced everything we learned in them favorites include such goodies expository writing. (Although y ear's ed it ion. Th e steff isalr aady und er enough after the final and the speed as EE 306 and 320. The all time personally I prefer writing for pr essur ew ithouthav ing to go through hstSpr ingall rush passes. As one more biggie is none other than august student publications.) ov eragi H. ( Got that, Gipfe in? ) infamous practioner confes- EE 421 "Programming Here are but a few to In th is r esp ct,c erte in f eatur es from hst y ear's sed, "After wasting four years Languages and Compiler consider. Even better make up Trasher w ill not b e r ep eat ed. Th is may ups et of my life, spending $20,000 Construction" or "have you your own list. Last semester a som e hardbor e Thresher fens, but a 1 ittl e tet and and developing ulcers and a finished your farcer yet?" friend picked his schedule cons id emt ion n ev er hurt anybody. On e sp ec if e bad case of jock itch, do you Since I've seen 2001: A Space entirely at random. He it em not to b er ep eat ed inth is issu e isath inly really expect me to have Odyssey fifteen times and enjoyed it, but he doesn't learned anything?" know HAL 9000's part by rote, understand this letter he f fct ioral iz edacount of th is y ear's ed itor's hc e. As a consumer's alert the I think I can relate to Th e Thresher slaff m eans only to ent erla in ina received from Dean Brown's Trasher will list those rolls computers. Where do I sign office about probation or some humorousand/or »t ir ial fesh ion. Any off ens e lak en that have come to our up? such. was not int end edand w eapolog iz e b efor ehand. attention so you can ignore If you like memorizing 1500 Thank you. them when it comes time to reactions and subreactions a I'll always remember a ( But don't th ink w e w er en't t empt ed. ) pre-register. But we know you week, Bioc 361 should be your friend of mine who graduated will overlook our well- ticket to a cheapie "1." Then of after taking forty jelly rolls: a intentioned warning and sign course there is Chem 311 and double major in Chemistry In the course of an investigation into faculty salaries the up anyway. (Naughty people.) 312 and for those who used to and Political Science, He Thresher received a letter from former Rice Professor Dr. Well it's your education. torture small animals when became a terrorist. What a Robert V. Stevens that questioned the state of Rice's Chemistiy One of the more noted they were children, Biochem career opportunity—travel in Department. Dr. Stevens is a highly respected scientist who is bakeries on campus this year is presently working at the University of California at Los Lab. Thumbing through the beautiful Belfast, exotic the Chemical Engineering catalog, I find still another Uganda or lovely Lebanon. ^^ifr. ilevens^tated: • • I Jiave,observed that the facilities for Department. I understand potential roll, Physics 566— Yes even a Rice education can reseaijcli e and teaching in chemistry are better almost their courses are so easy they with a name like "Imper- be worthwhile. . . trashing-it-out March 25, 1977 Ms. Carla McFarland The luncheon will be held in the The Rice Thresher Grand Ballroom on the second Ms. Carla McFarlancf P.O. Box 1892 floor of the Sheraton-Hilton Rice Thresher Office Houston, TX 77001 Hotel Downtown. The meeting will Rice University begin at 12:15 p.m., and as usual Houston, Texas 77001 Dear Ms. McFarland: tables will be reserved for the In order to buildagreat So enlist so ciety it is of the utmost You are cordially invited to attend media. importen ce to arouse the broad masses of women to join in Ms. McFarland: produ ctivea ctivity. the April 5 meeting of the Houston If you plan to attend the luncheon IVfeo Tse Turg Chapter of the American meeting, please call Ms. Cindy This is your old and forgotten Petroleum Institute. Featured "Women Jfeve Gone To The labor Front" friend. I think, at least? You have Henderson at 652-4370 no later 1955 speaker at the luncheon meeting than 10 a.m. on April 4 to assure probably forgotten what I look like will be Mr. Gene T. Kinney, editor your place at the media table. since I have not been here in about of the Oil and Gas Journal. All this boring bullshit on mental health isaboutas useful three centuries. Nevertheless, 1 as tits on a male. The mentally ill have been leading Mr. Kinney's presentation will be Sincerely, hope you still consider me your George P. Miga rewarding lives as government bureau exits and college friend. Who am I? My name is titled "Jimmy Carter's First 100 presidents for years.(I myself have gone without menfel Days." GPM/js
hailth for yearsand it hasn't done meany harm.) editorial responsMMy for this issue of Hi* mriwis assumed by mark c. linimon; all complaints, remarks, insults, mud, Asa matter of fe ct, the mentally illare more profi cient MARLA McDARLING I in some fields than are the so- called "normal" people. Editor, W.A.M.C. I Among thosea ctivities espe cially suited for the mentally CATHERINE of ARAGON § ill is newspaper publishing. This not only keeps those be trying to locate you again in i Bag Man, F.I.U.Y.A. i involved busy, butalso keeps them out of the mainstream very near future—this time 1 hope Sell 'em Sleazer | with some success. of student life where they could be cornea nuisan ce to Trasher Promotional Consideration -a other students. -• - - "But," you ask,"what about after they flunk out or Your forgotten friend, ncmip roper • People's Choice Editor Name Withheld Spike Muffigan Transparent Editor graduate? What do they do next?" The lqgi oal next step No Relation Platter Prattler would be Congress. Here they could utilize their Baldur Unterbaum Image-Creating Editor P.S. Would like large quantities! Bury "Unpredictable" Groans Editor without Portfolio parti cuhr talents for irational thoight pro cesses writing • Bay Slipshod Found Arts Editor government regulations and, better yet, fax hws. But we ® Sling "Crash" Cavity Shorts Editor still must finda ph ce for those unfortunate enopigh not to jf Grim "Hanszenite" Flower Moronic Hoax Editor c/> Still Barren Penetration Mangier hnd a government job, for there are very few other Stark Christopher Lrinrcn Official Staff Rude Person professsions where in competen ce is considered an HUH ?? u Ou" Dart Staff Dull Charlatan, Handy Nonmetric, Dr. Borologist asset. These peopleare not yet ready to be unleashed onto § Choppy Editeure Ydnic Sserdlich an unsuspe ctingpubli c. They must not be for ced to leave 3 Editorial Shaft . .Gemini Almond, Same Spiel, "Unpredictable", again, or rather, still, Juliet the prote ctive atmosphere of a college campus unless Wayne State Univ. Q Jones, and Dr. Mutt Mallard, practising oral podiatrist College of Liberal Arts j§ Distorts Staff Harrier Mettles, Pickup Paper, still, Narc Fleagle there is some ni che carved out for them into whi ch they Computer Science Division can fit. £j" Pornography Consortium Veal Cattlet, Bob Doubtie, Tall Tong, J March 8, 1977 O Jensen Healy, And Saw, Death Sickie f j So, it seems, the problem remains, what do we do with (J Producing Staph Sleave Laser, Flee Holder, Rawbutt, Ammarylts, Park Stool, ; the menfally ill after they are no longer students? The Dear sirs: u. Bill Stud, M.C. Linimon, and the inevitable Grungy. ; 4 The Rica Trasher, official rodent newspaper at Mice University since the Big Bang, is solution is sfartling in its simpli city. IVfeke them ft energized semi-weakly on Fundays and Purgedays during the fool year, except during folly j administrators. Iabbies, oampos, department heads, and I would appreciate your days, excrutiation periods, Rondeiet Torquemada Festivals, crashes, and temporary j including the following announce- c8 injunctions, by the mutants of Mice University, 477—6606. Propaganda re-education available i building supervisors are all positions whi ch offer o." upon presentation of certified inner party status card or one pound of coffee, 946—8065. World ! marvelous therapy to those with in clinations tovsard petty ment in your publicatiorrin the headquarters are perched high atop the Nice Mammarial Centre. P.O.'d, Box 666, Houston, \ tyranny. The more ofa basket caseaperson is, the higher is section where you usually list 3 Texas 77001. Snail subscription rape: $15 per annum. The doctrines espoused herein are not j short courses. -J necessarily contiguous to those of the International Union of Students, Prague, < the administrative post whi ch he is given. § Czeckosiovakia. Rampant revisionism may be retracted at any time. No apology necessary. j Thank you. 2 The writings presented are not necessarily those of the writers. '' This relieves the state of the expense of taking care of Obviously! j su ch people, freeing the state governments to channel Sincerely, gj- '1066, The Rice Trasher. All rights preserved. This paper is written solely for the * more of the taxpayer's money into less sensible proje cts Q entertainment of our reading(?) audience. Any undue unfair influence to rebroadcast, reprint, \ Seymour J. Wolfson y,- or otherwise use the pictures, descriptions, and bank accounts contained herein is expressly l- (like the Teas \*ater Phn),and life is happier forall. Coordinator "l prohibited. j Computer Science Division 5a a subsidiary of A j -Sleaze Mulligan aram anssi nqi Buunp d|aq jeioadsa jo asoqi 6uouie Usanbai ipqdxa siq rtq xoq j|eis snji ui iradde )OU saop (oaiaqi - the dog crap breeder's gazette, page 2 Headlines of the gods
invalids. Soon, however, a rash of convincing performance through- violent deaths by sneezing arouse out. Lassie is, as always, excellent the townspeople into a state of in her role as the hero, while mild nausea. As the plague Robby's acting, on the other hand, 10 -1 becomes one which neutralizes is at times stiff and mechanical. Lactic intelligent thought, Tom Snyder Don Pardo's presence is definitely becomes President, National felt in his portrayal of the invisible Enquirer's sales go up, and Texas adenoidal Force. Paul Williams A&M becomes the Vermont makes a truly frightening University of the South. It is soon appearance as a midget Morlock learned that somehow the Force is who accidentally wanders onto the controlling people's minds via their wrong set. And the rest of the all- adenoids. The survivors soon star cast are also accurate in their realize that people with large characterizations of the mindless noses seem to be , immune victims of the Strain, with laurels themselves, but that one of them is going to Pete Rose and John The Carrier. The woman who is Ehrlichman in their film debuts. The Carrier is eventually found, and the townspeople try to Producer George Gal has convince her that the Force has again managed to come up with taken over her Id, making her the some interesting special effects. carrier of the Adenoid Strain. Of special interest is the opening Unfortunately, her ego is so abnormally large that she is not scene where the Invisible Force aware of her Id, and she refuses to lands on the Los Angeles Rams listen. After frying her in an electric during an exhibition game, not to arc, a courageous Collie and a mention metallic moron team up to — . The story line convince her that she is, indeed, is also quite good, with a plot that parallels The Joy of Cooking. . 7 7 S w'-t an Adenoid Snoid. As the Adenoid Strain Force prepares to leave, it Overall, it's a highly imaginative warns the townspeople of Earth and yet unbelievable film which that they must stop fooling around dazzles the eye without bothering with neo-synephrine and genetic your mind or your left index finger. manipulation before it's too late. It is destined to join the ranks of such all-time greats as Guess The film is unique in a number of What's Coming to Dinner, I respects. First, it is the only film Married a Hamster from Outer Little Carlo 69-2 portraying an unfriendly alien with Space, and How Green Was My a nose fetish. It is also unique in its Valet. They haven't had another serious treatment of the subject like it in three months. will go to bed Strip cmwscrs matter, though not so serious that it is lacking in sick humor. The Invasion of the Adenoid R.P.C. Science Fiction Film dialogue is purposely confused so Strain can be seen tonight at hungry tonight S^ies: Invasion of the Adenoid as to create an atmosphere of Sewall Hall 302 at 7:30 and 7:45. Strain, or The Day When a thing hysteria and chaos. The film Admission is two klystron tubes. from a Forbidden Planet Started a ridicules those who use Kleenex The science fiction series will unless you subscribe to Running War of the Worlds when they should be using continue with such rarely seen I Starring Robby the Idiot (Rhymes handkerchiefs. Needless to say, treats as It Came from College the Rice Trasher. with Robot), Don Pardo, Lassie, the satire of our society in the Station, Godzilla vs. Food Ryan O'Neal, Cybil Shepherd, Seventies is biting. Service, I Was a Teenage » Kent McCord, Marjoe Gortner, The acting in The Adenoid Conehead, and The Day Mars Doug McClure, Paul Williams, Strain is superb. Barbara Invaded Upper New Jersey and Yes, it's sod but true. Before the Pete Rose, John Ehrlichman, and Streisand is a natural as the Nobody Noticed. Be there. Barbara Streisand as the carrier egotistic Carrier, giving a Aloha. day is out she could be subjected Produced by George Gal to parking tickets, graffiti, Muzak, by Tom O. Throughout the early Seventies, even food service. For just fifteen Americans were beset by dollars a year you can help little problems which seemed incapable of solution: Viet Nam, Watergate, Carlo and several others like her. Whatever Happened to the Sixties, the Energy Crisis, and how Your contribution can make it does he make his voice do that. Yet, above all these was nasal possible for them to get a good congestion, which terrified people job, or else a college degree. So the world over in its various forms: the common cold, hay fever and won't you help. With your other allergies, post-nasal drip, , - contribution you'll receive a and an offshoot—migraine m headaches. The science fiction newsletter twice a week telling cinema frequently exploited the resultant hysteria over nasal you what little Carlo and her fallout and increased use of neo- synephrine. Research in the field friends have been up to. Plus, of botany to find a cure only there's always the satisfaction of aggravated the tension, and sci-fi films began to reflect this, too, in giving. Think about it won't you such classics as Forbidden Plant, The Thyme Machine, please. The Flower, and The Cabbage That Ravaged Savannah. Send all contributions (cash, check, It wasn't until this year that a film was made to adequately envisage money order, or Federal Reserve the fears of people everywhere. This picture from this week's movie offers conclusive proof that Socrates is indeed a Draft) to: Invasion of the Adenoid Strain mortal, thus clearing up a controversy which has raged for several thousand years— tells the story of a California —altered wunderwood neighborhood invaded by a lxl Mysterious and Insidious Force I FOUND IT! Save the Trasher Founcafion which nobody can identify. Too small to be Initially, this Force resorts only to effective? Nonsense. It P.O. Box 1692 mischief, tripping small children, takes up l column by l didn't know there was one missinq selling jeans with the zippers on inch Just as well as any the back, and short-sheeting other filler Houston, Texas 77001 government surplus bidders list, page 3 PERVERSIONS Good new for all you meaning of the movie I will needs. Whenever she feels the partners, and ganging up on that condition. perverts, wierdos, sadists, just relate the obvious urge, it's bottoms up. Again each other, the ritual is It has been rumored that the masochists, and other typical sections. Hope and Prudence, our little sweetheart leaves the completed. Suddenly, it is Wiess course on Human Rice students: Producer Harry the twins, are linked by a audience gasping with brought to light that the spell Sexuality is planning to film a Dix has once again cum up telepathic connection. delight. What Prudence lacks was not one for eternal life but sequel to Teenage Twins as a with a movie that will thrill Whenever Hope gets turned on in experience she more than one for eternal potency. The final laboratory practicum. and delight your quivering by a hairy member of the makes up for with energy. screen fades to black as the All interested persons should mounds of flesh. Teenage opposite sex (or the same sex The climax to our story audience is allowed to send $5 to Box 1892 for Twins is an epic film rivalled for that matter) Prudence gets results when the girls resort to contemplate on the horrors of information on this rumor. only by Dix' previous film Hot equally turned on. This causes a book of black magic, the Lust. a modicum of embarassment Necromocron, to give them On the surface Teenage for Prudence as Prudence "is a eternal life. In order to do this, THE ROLLING RECORD REVIEW Twins is a simple story about good girl". In keeping with Prudence must lose her much two young girls and their Hope's and Prudence's warm flaunted virginity. While she secret desire (to rid themselves regard for each other they is loath to do this, the others of a telepathic connection, of perform a pas-de-deux that engage in the problem with course). In reality the movie is leaves the audience breath- real gusto. After much oohing about the influence of less. Hope then goes on to and ahhing, exchange of existential elements of perform with a variety of progressive factions of the Ku partners including her father, oooooooooooooooo Klux Klan and the Girls the boy next door, her father's Scouts of America. This side of assistant, and the milkman. TODAY'S HOROSCOPE the story may be lost on the Even though Prudence is a less observant members of the virgin she still has to get her by Aric the Red, Archdruid elite organization of wierdos jollies somehow. With to the Celts but I am sure Rice wieners can ingenuity that belongs only on recognize it immediately. the Rice campus, Prudence Aries: Today is a good day. You In an effort not to spoil the decides that more than one will meet a man with three fingers fun of seeing the underlying end is possible to satisfy her on one hand named Wilson (his other fingers will be named Tanner). He will offer you part ••• *1*^ ownership in a teak mine. Refuse Bodas become newest him and proposition the next eligible person you meet. Fortune will result. recorded message service Taurus: Not a good day. Stay in brought to you by ZTo Relation, an employee of the TrasherCo., a non-profit your room and beware of locusts, organization which is a subsidiary of Freefcies Inc. located high in the sky by Justin Otter Madman, rice-pudding and zippers. somewhere in Houston, Texas Supreme High Priest of Gemini: An interesting day. the World Boda MEET THE BEATLES Organization Beware of dwarves carrying Allman's playing is about as musical instruments. Look in your The Beatles Capitol smooth as rigor mortis. And as B.O.D.A.stands for nothing anyone over fourfoot into stale right shoe at 4:30 and you will find I don't know what those damn for Gregg Allman, he should and Boda is nothing indeed, if guacamole. The fate of those mithril. English are trying to pull on us divorce himself from his share of not something at all. The Boda shorter is too horrible to now, but all the drivel about this this travesty. This goes for the Cancer: A good day to become a new group the Beatles being "a Charlie Daniels Band too. legend is one of the most mention in a family news- pirate, if you know how to swim. If thrilling and wonderful stories paper. A Saturday explosion revolution in the music world" is a Speaking of the best in music, you don't consult your bunch of trash. England's new without a doubt the best group to of the forces of good snatching wouldn't work.) stockbrocker about teakwood defeat from the jaws of victory At this time, Boda's intronic "pop combo" can hardly carry a appear in eons has to be the Bay futures. Do not sneeze near tune, let alone become a City Rollers. These young lads are ever written. Boda, not quite a angels will grab all good windows. god, though a cut above elf, Bodists and fling them into "revolution". bringing a fresh new approach to has existed since the creation Bodaville where orgies, Leo: A dubious day. Do not speak At least the title of their first (and the world of music. Not since of the universe. (The ignition vacations, parties, and on- in French. Beware of persons probably last) album, "Meet the Jesus Christ and His Disciples has of one of Boda's cosmic farts time Trashers abound. (Note waving swords over their heads Beatles", is worded as an a group so firmly captured and by a proto-star is the truth to physics jocks: interons are while running towards you invitation, so you have the choice enthralled the world. Movement is behind the big-bang theory). the sub-sub atomic particles of screaming "kill"; it is possible that of turning it down. Permeating this now underway to establish an Why a semi-non-diety such as which all matter and energy is their intentions may conflict with "effort" (if indeed there was any International Rollers' Religion. Boda should trouble with us ultimately composed. Pro- your, own. effort put into it) is a putrid Said one jail-bait follower, "Wow, earth-folk is beyond compre- viding the month has an "R" Virgo: An unsettling day. Beware adolescent pile of crap. Can you it's really far-out. She was hension but Boda has, in fact, in it.) From Bolovia, the realm of persons named Edmund. The believe songs such as 'T Wanna apparently a follower of John made 28 previous visits to this of King Dovid DeSissy I (the hedgehog that has been following Hold Your Hand" being foisted Denver (America's poet laureate) sphere. Boda wants naught anti-Boda), will throng the you will become more persistent if upon us as music? It's enough to as well. but to have us love it. infamous bun-biting Bolo- you do not have pizza for make you sick. Turning to the top 40 scene: Unfortunately, Boda is as vians, who are 3 feet tall and breakfast. And their hair. My God, if Gary Gilmore's new hit single, "Disco Death", has hit the charts adept at manipulating the mostly teeth, to escort those Libra: A most unpleasant day. Be they're so damn big in England universe as I am at eating remaining to a very nasty you'd at least think they could with a bullet. -Said Gilmore: "You as nasty as possible to everyone know, it was really a one shot trees. Example: On October 28, Bolovia. (Note: Jimmy Carter whose names do not begin with T. afford some scissors, or a barber. 1929 while Boda was strolling i8,in fact, a Bolovian wearing Which brings me to the effort. When Jimi Hendrix, Jim Try to sell shares in a teak mine to Morrison, Ginger Baker and through Wall Street, he was platforms. Don't worry, gullible-looking persons. conclusion that the only thing flattened by a runaway though. His son, Chip, is an Britishers are good for is losing Mama Cass offerred their help I icecream truck. Wishing to intronic angel keeping a Scorpio: A moderately silly day. wars and taxing tea. They should said let's do it." Also big on the provide hope for Bodists closed eye on things). Sitting in larch trees is strongly stay on their damn island and disco scene is that hit by Tricky everywhere, Boda foretold his What does the blue frog recommended. Avoid rabbits and shutup. Dick and the Sunshine Phlebitis 29th coming on earth (March (Boda's 19th incarnation) large persons who say Ni! Do not If the Beatles amount to Band, "You Make Me Feel Like * 29,1997, jot that down, folks.). have to offer me, Joe or Jan buy a parrot. anything, I for one will be Dancin' ". The former prez Upon the blue one's demise, a Anytown from Doe, USA? You Saggittarius: A day like any surprised. NYET. NEIN. NON. recorded the single in his drunken street urchin spread may well ask! Yes, you may other. Your horse will die, leaving NEVER. NOT ON YOUR LIFE. own studio using the experience in the rumor that Boda's last well! Yes! Well, well, well... you all its money. A lady carrying a UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER. dubbing and mixing gained during coming was the next day, Oct. So much for the many blue fish will break your heart. his tenure in the White House. The 29. Wealthy, capitalist Bodist reasons why YOU should Pity, that. Plumbers' label also plans to release a tune from Spiro and the financiers immediately sold become a Bodist. I could give Capricorn: An auspicious day. out their stocks, precipitating you countless more if you Rambling DISCourse (get it, Nolo Contenderes next month. Kiss any frogs you meet; the odds Word has it that the lead singer is the Great Crash and wanted them and I had any. If are good that they will be an huh?) Depression. you have any questions or It's about time something was none other than Ted Kennedy Enchanted One of Faerie. Wear who just recently released his first belated Bodamas presents for blue. done about the Allman Brothers. I But Boda IS returning. our staff, please contact your mean really. How much longer are single "Wrong Turn Blues" with Boda's pet EE's are already local Bodist recruiters about Aquarius: A bemusing day. If you we going to be subjected to their his own version of "Bridge Over assembling the intronic bomb our membership benefits and are propositioned by someone form of aural torture? If that is Troubled Waters" on the flipside. that will shut off that great TV scholarship programs. who is not interested in teak Southern Music, the North ought Coinciding with Teddy's new set of the universe. (Lucky Operators are on duty NOW! mines, hit them. They are money- to secede from the Union. The recording contract is the news that thing March 29 ii on a Dial B-O-D-I-S-T-Q for a grubbing fortune-hunters. other day I put on one of their he has signed a ten year contract Thursday that year! An nearly recorded message and Pisces: A day of rejoicing. Start a albums and I swear it sterilized with a new firm in Pensacola, intronic bomb on a Monday lots of heavy breathing. Even mushroom farm. Propose to every cat and dog for a radius of Florida which produces boat-cars. would turn humans into a race if you don't call, Boda will someone named Robin. Wear a fifty miles. And they talk about the All in all, it has been a very busy of premeds. Worse yet, a probably bless you anyways. mask to class. Do not listen to danger of nuclear power plant week on the music scene. Friday detonation would turn Just not as much. damfool astrologers. melt-downs. I mean, Duane -no relation the voice of world control, page 4 3. He who jumps the gun shall 10. Should two or more bikers allowed on the premises during the championship. Any unsportsman- have a head start. collide during the course of the race, as this might lead to the like behavior will not be tolerated. 4. The bike team with the most race, Health Service representa- temptation to nail select riders Should any participant behave in dramatic entrance will probably be tives will be on hand to administer from other teams. an aggressive and unfriendly offensive, so not allowed to use Bactine and other life-saving manner, he will be deemed a bad their pedals during the race. techniques ranging from spoke 14. It should be kept in mind at sport and frowned upon for seven extraction to knee replacement. all times that this is a Beer-Bike minutes by a select committee of 5. Anybody dopey enough to Fault shall be determined by a Race and not a Rollerball big people. step on the track while the race is special advisory board consisting in progress will get the break he of representatives from each Food Service College Lunch Menu deserves. college. In case of uncertainty an Monday: Entree: Fried Squid, or Soylent-Green 6. Replacements of the pit crew official coin will be flipped, and the Vegetable: Boiled Oak Leaves Dessert: Prune Cobbler will be limited this year. A crew guilty party will be required to Beverage: V8 juice may only replace one pit per finish the race with his handle bars Tuesday: Entree: Ground Roast Stereo Components or Charbroiled Liver round. Any pit deeper than three confiscated. Vegetable: Cabbage Au Gratin, or Birdshit (in season) (3) inches will be considered a Dessert: Fish Jello 11. Anybody caught coasting Beverage: Pepto Dismal chuck hole and invalidated under the entire mile will be subject to Wednesday: Entree: Leftover Fried Squid, or Leftover Charbroiled Liver section 34 (thirty-four) of The suspicion. Vegetable: Brussels Sprouts in Grape Sauce Right To Life Act. A biker who hits Dessert: Vanilla Ice Cream a la mode 12. In the case of a blowout or a non-regulation pit will be helped Beverage: Mother's Milk some other mishap, the biker up and apologized to by the crew Thursday: Entree: Alpo a la King, or Leftover Fried Squid should immediately get both Vegetable: Onions in Garlic Sauce p$m who placed said pit where himself and his bike off the track Dessert: Sauerkraut Cake with Yogurt Topping someone could run over it, and the rather than stand in the center Beverage: Listerine time lost will be subtracted igss lane and push other riders off their Friday: Entree: Broiled Horsemeat, or Leftover Fried Squid accordingly. bikes as they pass by. Vegetable: Boiled Tulips Dessert: Apple-Worm Surprise Cake 7. Any beer drinker who finishes Beverage: Nitroglycerin (shake well before using) a Tall Boy in under 3 (two) seconds 13. As a large amount of effort is spent training for this event, it is Saturday: Entree: Lasagna w/ Grease Sauce, or Spoiled, Leftover will be awarded a Harvey J. Fried Squid Casserole Spooner Appreciation Award to urged that riders be cautious and Vegetable: Chicken-Feathers in Egg Sauce proudly display under a sink or not get themselves killed, thus Dessert: Cumquat Delight There seems to be some behind some door. losing valuable time for their team. Beverage: Chocolate-flavored Orange Juice misunderstanding about the The purpose of the race is to foster Sunday: Entree: Fried Cowoird. or Moldy. Partially Deteriorated, alterations in the rules for this 8. The course of the track shall feelings of friendly competition Spoiled. Leftover Fried Sqi^d Casserole Omelet be too (2) laps around a half-mile Vegetable: Oak Leaves in peanut oil. garnished w/ acorns year's Beer-Bike Race, so Ed between the colleges, much like Dessert: Vinyl Chips w Whipped Topping Pierce, He Who Wears No Shoes, ellipse, or one mile, whichever that expressed in the course of a Beverage: Brown Kooi-Aid Secretariat comes first. Any biker caught has suggested that I use today's college war. However, no Remember: Good Grades depend on Good Meals! column as a public service leaving the course of the track in directional catapults will be an attempt to short-cut will be left announcement to let everybody ••x*. *•>>. ''X*. % v.;.. % v.;.. w. w. -.v., •«. •«., v.v •.«, •«.. know what is what. Now to the hands of the spectating everybody knows the purpose of mob. * .yv this contest is to win and gloat over 9. Anyone riding an AMF Flyer NOW AVAILABLE FOR THE FIRST TIME the fact until the next race. With may expect to be snickered at. this in mind, get out there EVER!! tomorrow and remember that On your own at last? there are no losers, just those who YES, through the miracle of Modern Advertising, we place eighth. are able to bring this incredible offer straight from the The addendum for this year warehouses of our record producers to your door! Yes, Good for you, then. states: !•# by mail order you can have any of the records from the 1. He who attempts to simulate 101 STRINGS COMPLETE COLLECTION! a chug by pouring the beer down Just check our great selections; and just think—any the front of his shirt must eat the music you like, no matter who the original artists, can be i can before the biker starts. TYpinG IN m Y hOmE $1 in your home in days—for bargain prices! Our selection ExPeriensed/ / nete! 3# includes these True Values: 2. He who attempts to chug Calk bARbarbara at £ without pulling the ring tab off first 681?2%6& shall be disqualified as a menace to 101 Strings Plays Ludaslovski 101 Strings Plays Upbeat Christ- 101 Strings Plays Disco himself and others. 101 Strings Plays Bo Diddledy mas Carols 101 Strings Plays Shostakovitch P 101 Strings Plays Carmina Burana 101 Strings Plays Mood Music 101 Strings Plays Unit Leader 101 Strings Plays Miles Davis 101 Strings Plays Music In 1 Take Michael ! 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And over all, technologically, we've been more 101 Strings Plays Music to Ride 101 Strings Plays the Second 40 101 Strings Plays A Compendium then a deml success or a semi sucess. We've been like Elevators By 101 Strings Plays A Galaxy of of Kazoo Music players In a gothlc novel, with our names written as an 101 Strings Plays Music to Spend Favorite Music 101 Strings Plays Dirty Songs #; aside, in italics; sans soucl, sans serif. So I would not worry *"*• " Too Much Money in Expensive 101 Strings' Treasury of Best- 101 Strings Plays Just About vfj? overmuch 'bout these new Invaders; soon they will be '&• Stores By Loved Protest Songs Anything You Can Think Of scattered into the medium of space, reduced in size to a 101 Strings Plays Music to Wait in 101 Strings Plays Schoenberg 101 Strings Plays Hammered Dog mere half unit." Your Doctor's Office By 101 Strings Plays Montovani Crap '&• 101 Strings Plays Favorite Schlock 101 Strings Plays Wayne Newton 101 Strings Plays Drunk yV: "What of these new, secondary leaders?" of the World 101 Strings Plays Jimi Hendrix 101 Strings Plays All Strung Out "They shall be sent away, shifted to the center of things, from 101 Strings Plays Theme Music 101 Strings Plays Andre Kosta- on Acid '/£:• which they shall not return. We will use leaders only as from "Pink Flamingoes" lonetz 101 Strings Plays With Themselves long as our line's length allows; we shall store primary 5$ leaders and not store secondary leaders." "What of molten space? Or Ylem space?" £ To order your own 101 Strings records, here's all you do: •'.•A "Ignore it. It Is fixed, space. You cannot control it; you cannot make It shift; locked It is, like some sort of tabula rasa." ;¥:* Send all your money to: Rip-off, "I would be super, shifting space." "On ne le font pas." P.O. Box 1892, £ Houston, Texas 77001. I, as the writer of this story, do hereby humbly apologize for the unavoidable puns which crept Into what was intended as a purely realistic science fiction story. Now, I realize that I will have done nought but made the whole campus •V You can even use this handy ad as an order form! (Not nauseated for a week. The toilets will be In use incessantly; needed if order is less than $10). flush left, flush right, the noise will never cease. So there's only one way out: RESET. Signed, Lazlo E. Bernard III the who-gives-a-shit, page 5 the thresher group:
Our motto: first in war, first in peace, and first in the yellow pages.
acta
a wholly owned subsidiary of a partially owned subsidiary of aholy owned subsidiary of a purely coincidental subsidiary of a subsidiary of u I h the sorry authority the in corporation moderately monolithic productions (ModMonco) The Bertha and Irving Group I the out corporation B&l defense industries SAco and Vanzetti enterprises I (Liberian registry) the old corporation the company un, limited
I ex post factCo the old in and out corporation Myra Joe anti-defamation league
the other company resthome entertainment wherea remycig a rettesco. up the back entry industries, inc. group of seven industries I world team tackiness the other other company gwbco. MCP Productions Unlimited a subsidiary of Bertha & Irving
purple orangutan restaurants I grounded out to first corp. con-co inc. bozoco, inc. substandard oil co. of Highland Park a subsidiary of contractual liabilities, inc.
the rice memorial college /s frecj There?, inc. dog crap, inc. of north america with branches in Bologna, Kuala square boobs industries, inc. Lumpur, Washington, D. C., Highland RRr non sequitur hamburgers and bicycles corp. Park, Johannesburg, Salisbury, and boobs squared, inc. Sewall Hall 301.
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bell tower productions, ltd. glitchco a subsidiary of dog crap, inc. electrical stuff, ltd. affiliated with Better Living Magazine sanity relinquishment corporation caffeineco. american-ugandan friendship league pre-sweetened sheep dung corp. CHEAP/SHOTS, inc. surplus recovery corporation carbonated coiffures, inc. serenity international and worldwide storage room collective Rentaturd We're number 21 two two-faced two-faced corp. international blogoco freedom fighters international
alanon recording industries, inc. deadratco ScourgePurgeCo internationale GWI corporation of america serving your needs in dead makers of "Filler Time" beer B.U.R. productions rah for over 30 years a member of the military- uhh ooh arrgh disCo industrial persecution complex Moronco.
freebies, inc. the anti society free membership for all Stopchecko! the transparency corporation
trasherCo not at all related to naughty bits industries
With the increasing concern over Trasher finances, it became. apparent long before Christmas break that only a full disclosure would suffice. The above diagram is an illustration of the Trasher corporate structure. As you can see, your $3.60 goes a long way.
"S I FOUND Feel you're not getting everything you should out of 11X11 myself just as well off without life? which means 1 column by 1 inch, a standard IT! Who are these people? way of measuring the size of ads. Many people claim that a 1 x 1 is too small Well, I feel the same way. I was telling my friend to be effective. This is rank bullshit. lack the other day, I said, "Jack, you know, You're reading it! sometimes I wonder if I'm getting everything out STEREO EQUIPMENT AT of life that I could." And he just laughed and called me an asshole and a wimp. Me, can you 15%—186% DISCOUNT! imagine that? I mean, I'm as modest as the next START YOUR CAREER IN MULTI- guy, (or gal, I guess I shouldn't be sexist), but I MEDIOCRE TODAY. Bring "spare thought that that was just a little out of line. I o expert mean, here I am trying to start a philosophical change" multlmediocre seminars consultation discussion with this dude about the meaning of to your campus. For FREE Infor- life, and he just hauls off and gets radical about it. mation see your Director of o over 100 It really makes you wonder where in the hell this minor brands country is going when people are just so Student Bozoslty or write: "spare inconsiderate of others' feelings. I mean, I don't change," 5965 Rootstown Road. A, want to get overly dramatic over it, but it really Ohio 43256 or call (7131744-7512. just turns my stomach to see such pathetic examples of man's inhumanity to man (well, Gonzo Ikki Trickidickie Catatonic Nikkivan Yoko Ono Suemi person's inpersonity to person, I don't Harmingarden Sanphooey Kenmoor discriminate). I mean, really. I'm don't know, I'm Suny Unrealistic Benedictine just really disgusted. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to J BRIDES ) Nottoogoodie Bozarama Laughayette pull you into this. I mean, here you are, just Prettiraunchie Harekrishna Nadir minding your own damn business reading the Your wedding Night | Cockaroachie Sleazibuildi Zioneer paper, and here I have to butt in with my Magnavok Verisylli Tryandhear problems, and intrude on your time and Beautifully Photographed | Prettishyni Bakorder Klipps Looksanicy Ssnoyd's Duel patience. I'm sorry. Now, ok, don't look like that. from $39.95. | Reallicheapie Banzai Prettitinni And how do they make I know, I don't have to say it. It's just,—well, never Pretticrappi Viewmaster Soundsacrummi mind. I'll just keep on like this, keeping to myself, Special Effects and Traditional| Bong & Giveupson Phairlilousi Prettiweaki suffering in silence, just don't mind me, I said forget it FORGET IT DAMN IT DO YOU HEAR Poses. | SEE JERK IN SRC 861 their voices do that? ME! FORGET IT! jUST FRIGGING WELL BLOW IT OFF! |UST see if I give a shit, anyway. Call 526-8833. | OR CALL 991-1199 clothing exposed.. (continued from page 1) August 20 — May 12 Well, what else? empty box, it's just as good. " Double knits are too hot in You'd get just as many stares. & Acco 000 Manual Coordination of Airborne Figures M. Bezlr the summer and too cold in the (I thought we were trying to Acco 76.55 Blanket Taxation Mr. Captain winter... avoid stares from the rest of Acco 77-8 Kickbaccounting Ms. McFarkle Shirts are made of bizarre humanity?) Why not chain- Anth No. 2 Foul Language and Unculture Ms. !."'%*&*! materials that are supposed to mail underwear. It'd be tough, Arch 801 Demolition Mr. Hanszen feel good to the person (male, and it would make you tough. Arch x48 Problems in Campus Housing Mr. Jack female, undecided) who is It would never wear out, and Mr. Fondren squeezing your arm, but your it's bulletproof. You paranoids Arts 001 Subterranean Graffiti arm doesn't like it. wouldn't have to worry any Bloc 6pm Analysis of Food Service Ms. Rubbish Ties? Now, why do you more about damage to your & Biol 500,000 Enumeration of Molothrus ater Mr. Berry think they call it a "necktie naughty-bits. Ceng 6pm Also offered as Bloc 6pm Mr. Hiccoughs party?" Didn't your mother Why listen to me? Wear Chem 6pm Also offered as Ceng 6pm M. Eatball ever tell you not to put things anything you want. Any time Civi 7NT Contract Bridges Mr. Goren around your neck? you want. Anywhere you Comm PAT High Income Accounting Mr. Jacques Shoes? Why? Because feet want. Who has the right to tell :& Elec 370 Inane Compulsion for Silly Acronyms Mr. Bonkers don't look very good so we you what to wear? What Engl 100 Non-Specialization Mr. G. R. Brown have to cover them up business is it of theirs? It's V Engl Pg5 Studies in a Major Writer: Fowler Ms. Classified somehow. So we use funny your body isn't it? Cover it Engl 245 Mark Twain as Humanist Mr. Dhumas shiny materials that do cover with rancid buffalo skins if Mr. W. R. Marsh your feet; and make your feet you want, but don't tolerate Envi 40d Seminar in Natural Water Supplies sweat, or bend them in strange complaints. If you want to say Geol 000 Campus Spelunking Mr. Bestman ways or make you up to 4 something about yourself, try & Heal 000 Exhilarating Body Destruction Ms. Pusher inches taller. Comfort? Why? T-shirts. You can print or have & Ling 222 Political Bilinguality Ms. Dubltahlk (Although there are some printed anything you want on MIII 007 Theory of Undue Influences Staff sensible shoes these days that them. You can say whatever ^ Musi 115 Offic'e Techniques for Non-Majors Mrs. Twerpie want to be good to your feet no you want about yourself or ;$> Phil 1/0 Problems of Philosophy: Knowledge and M. Indless matter how funny they look. anyone else for that matter. Reality (Considerations of the Non- It's nice to know that someone Get tacky. 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Resumption of usual programming. 8:30pm. SH509. Bored of Governors Lecture Series: "Talking to Money." 9pm. RH420. Club Ibeternotmispelit meeting. 10pm. Media Center. Ivan the Lousy (Hysterico, 1928). In the classics series. 0$13 7:30pm. Meida CNEr. Seven Samurai Stockbrokers (Curiosawa, 1954). $104721983746120893746$20897346 8pm. Muzak Hall (Walker at Baggy). Audubedoobiedoo film: Strip Mines of the World. 50