Elevator Ride Proves Fatal
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volume 64, number 41.5 LL61 '*8i \iJLdTB 'Xupijj Elevator ride proves fatal (Full Court Press iRRational) population to destroy morals and all its weapons be in working order The Pentagon announced today disrupt personal cash flows. The at some time before their use. that Frown and Loot, on a ethics of use of such a weapon Thus the testing of each unit contract from the Harmy, has even during wartime offends some forces Frown and Loot into a $5 sucessfully complete development people. million cost overrun. There are of the newest, most sophisticated, Senator Rab L. Rouser (R- also unconfined rumors that a most deadly, most silly weapon Guam) has accused Frown and Debt Ray that was being shipped designed to strike terror into the Loot and the Pentagon of secretly to a testing site accidently went off cold black, communist hearts of testing the Debt Ray on the inside the post office to the tune of our enemies—the infamous Debt American public, both against $250 million (dollars). Ray. innocent individuals and The development of the Debt A Pentagon propoganda widespread dispersal beams Ray also poses another problem spokesman described the weapon aimed at a large metropolitan area. for Stenographer of State Virus as a "sort of gun, that, when aimed Rouser alleges that earlier this Stance, who is presently involved and fired at a particular target, year, the Harmy tested a in arms limitation talks with the An unidentified member of Silly Rich samples the latest improvement offered by Food would throw that person, or prototype of the Debt Ray on a Soviet Union. The Russians will Disservice. This program starts next week on a trial basis in the colleges.—baldur instituition in debt." Thus a B-52 popular entertainer, Teddie Lints, probably insist that the U.S. give unterbaum equipped with a Debt Ray could fly who suddenly received a deluge of up the Debt Ray as a precondition over a Russian munitions factory, bills due and his investments fell for any agreement. The Soviet hit it with the debt ray, and shut through. Lints became so News Agency Crass said in an the place down because of despondent that he committed editorial this week, "The Clothing cover-up bankruptcy. Government suicide to end his misery. Senator continuing effort of the United economists note, however, that Rouser also said that.the "large States to develop sinister and they EXPLODED and left the Debt Ray's usefulness in such metropolitan area in which small unethical weapons which could little pieces of fabric hanging a situation would be limited, as the tests of the Debt Ray were made" only be used against civilians is a Well, the summer fashions from everything in the plant could be quickly re-opened the Pentagon refers to was in fact direct violation of the Helsinki are on the way—and all of the dressing'room. Whatdoyoudo using deficit spending, govern- New York City, although no one Accord and presents a great clothes you own will become then? ment subsidies, and deferred outside New York has attributed obstacle in the upcoming obsolete when they hit the You could always try cuffs. payment loans. Thus a great much truth to that allegation. negotiations." In Peking an official stores. So what are you going They seemed to be in style a controversy has arisen, as Frown and Loot has also government statement said, to do about it? You'll buy an while back. Well, carry it out. opponents of the Ray have admitted to having problems with "There is great disorder in entire new wardrobe, that's How about cuffs? Why not accused the Pentagon of planning construction of the Debt Ray, Trenton, and the Russians what. Of course. Can't be out nothing but cuffs? Say thirty to use it against the civilian because the Harmy requires that deserve whatever they get." of style now, can we? Wouldn't want to look weird at a party, of them, covering your entire or be stared at, would you? leg. You'd only collect dirt and Well. dust in the bottom ones and the top ones could be San Marino sells lots of stamps AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! rubberized so that they would Why not stand out in a Dr. T. N Yurseeker, associate written a book that contains hold your bodily excretions know about quantum physics crowd? We are all individuals (No need for a zipper that professor of physics at Rice everything the average and subatomic particle research. aren't we? Not sheep. Even University in Houston, has American housewife should way!) You'd have to be careful sheep wear the same thing how you walked around to - '•> - " i • "•*, f - ' ,> • The book will be released from year to year. You don't , J* £l$> see them changing styles with avoid spillage, though. sometime next month by Last If you don't like cuffs, there's Ditch Paperbacks, Inc., a the seasons do you? Maybe winter makes their coats a always corduroy. That is the subsidiary of Vicious Distorted current style, isn't it? Just Publishing Company, a little thicker, but otherwise it's the same thing all year. Why what is the average temr subsidiary of A. The book will erature in Houston? 85° in the me cost $4.95 in paperback, $13.95 can't humans do the same JIf> v^V » thing? summer? Kind of hot to be hard covered, except on wearing insulated pants, isn't Tuesdays, when the prices will b i ' it? Well, you could make every be selected at random. Have you ever walked into a • v. • , : . clothing store hoping to find fourth little cord a tiny coolant the same kind of pants as tube and wear a large, Dr. T.N. Yurseeker has been you've been wearing for the cumbersome air conditioning an associate progressor at Rice last year? And you didn't pack on you back. But you University in Houston for four really like them when you wouldn't mind a little years and is due for a review bought them, but you got used discomfort, would you? It's the for tenure next year. His new to them. You had to. It was the fashion. (AAAHHHHHU!) book will be his third same thing everywhere you Even if the little cords do get publication this month. The went. You had to buy them dirty awfully easy, and when book, entitled There is Great whether you liked them or not. they wear out you wind up Disorder Under Heaven, So now you want more, but the with a contour map instead of and the Job Market is Poor, pants. contains all the information style seems to have changed. the layman needs to perform Weird looking things, aren't How about pants without experiments in nuclear they?. Some of them don't even pockets? Very sensuous. research, all the way from appear to be symmetrical. Unless you happen to be a controlled fission to nuclear What's that you say, the male-type person. A total lack fusion, which the average distance from the crotch to the of pockets means that you homeowner could use to belt-loops is only three inches? have to carry some variety of supply his home energy needs And when you got them on, handbag, and take the risk of for the next 750,398 years. and finally got them buttoned, being picked up by an "It's not that I'm not grateful, I really am," I said, spooking as clearly as I could. "But if and then got the zipper pulled undecided-type person. you don't lot mo got to bod, Cm going to pass out right hero." up (that is if they have a — alter underwoo (continued on page 8) zipper) and you inhaled again, (continued on page 7) lliliillill Some people never learn by Pick-up Paper have to scare the crowds away. fections and Mechanical This week the Trasher Once you get passes Ceng 301 Properties of Crystalline delves into a topic only your academic career flows as Solids" you know it has to be whispered about in academic smoothly as crude oil through easy. Th e trasher is an outl et for th em emb ers of circles—the phenomen of the a refinery. Unfortunately I th e Thresher steff to 1 et out that pirt of th e ir jelly roll. We all know about keep hearing nasty things t- As for you poor academs, cr ait iv e g en ius wh bh do es not, forturat ely, them and know people who about black beans and firing^ you'll just have to suffer s e ep into th e pap er dur ing th e r est of th e y ear. have taken them—quite squads. Anyway. p without easy courses to soften Its ma in purpos e is to ent erte in in a has ially possibly ourselves. While we For those of you who can as your load. For those who insist humorous iish ion although, adm itt edly, it do es not could be learning something plug in a toaster without being § on a free ride may we suggest ach i ev e th e d es ir ed eff Act ev ery y ear (no useful, we pad our transcripts electrocuted, easy courses ® B—Law, Poli 309-310, but keep with trivial courses that we await you in the EE/Masc' it brief. Semi-literates will sp ec if es, pi eas e). Th e Thresher slaff has never show up for and forget departments.