1 FRIDAY 07 FEB Ereira’s Business Insight RCSU Broadsheet is out Today! Nida Mahmud interviews tutoring Available around campus and online entrepreneur Marcus Ereira 6

“Keep the Cat Free”

07/02/14 Issue 1567 felixonline.co.uk

Imperial’s Defence Investment Holdings THIS ISSUE... Top of List of Universities TELEVISION Aamna Mohdin News Editor

London Student investigation found has the most invested in the arms industry.A Compared with ten other London universities, Imperial’s holdings in defence companies comes The American Horror out on top with investments totalling £3.9m. A Freedom of Information Story 32 request found the college has shares in four defence manufacturers Imperial College has £1.75 million worth of shares in General Electric (GE), one of the biggest arms- SCIENCE producing companies in the world. A recent report in the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI) ranked GE 18th in its top 100 list of arms-producing and military services companies. The company supplies the necessary technology for combat aircraft, military transport, helicopters and drones. GE have previously claimed that their arms production “provide the necessary power and reliability for any military First GM Monkey born application. GE’s engines are proven in service and continue to operate in in China 9 weapons.technology.youngester.com Imperial College London usmilitaryhelicopters.org critical missions around the world.” The college has a £922,000 stake in Inmarsat, a global telecommunication yet Rolls Royce is the 2nd Largest Holly-Rae Smith of Campaign A College spokesperson stated, that has close ties to the US defence Manufacturer of Aerospace Engines against Arms Trade told London “Imperial’s Endowment Board community. Inmarsat are proud powering approximately 25% of the Student: “Quite often, students have manages those College assets that FILM to provide “rapid, secure and world’s military aircraft and has its no say in what their university invests are not essential to the core academic reliable access to mission-critical equipment installed on over 2,200 in. It’s quite secretive. Student’s tuition mission of the College and that can information.” Imperial College has warships including all of the UK’s fees end up invested in companies therefore be managed with a pure £489,000 worth of shares in Texas nuclear submarines. they consider unethical.” investment focus, with the aim of Instruments, a company that entered Tara Clarke of Fossil Free Imperial Supporters point out that many supporting Imperial’s research and defence electronics market in 1942. said: “I worry about my university’s of these companies are involved in a teaching activities. Texas Instruments produce the support of the arms industry who wide range of products, not just those The Board’s Terms of Reference “latest technology, manufacturing deals to countries with worrying associated with defence. GE, though include an obligation to maintain a capability and product mix for civil rights records and regimes that one of the biggest arms producing diversified portfolio of investments, advanced and critical aerospace and repress democracy. companies in the world, produces to have regard to the suitability of military applications.” The college In a university with a centre of the majority of the world’s electronic the investments within this portfolio What is the Dallas has a further £753,000 stake in Rolls research for blast injuries, it doesn’t devices including everyday light bulbs and to manage the investments in Royce, a company that is more likely make sense to support an industry to fuel cell technology. a way that is appropriate to achieve Buyers Club? to bring to mind flash cars than which creates these injuries in the first asked College yesterday if the investment objectives set by the 28 fighter jets and nuclear submarines, place.” they had any comments on the issue. College’s Council”.

FRIDAY 07 FEB 3 Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin NEWS [email protected] Imperial College publishes Imperial Spin-off Seeks £175m in Stock Market IPO animal research action plan in responce to cruelty allegations

WIKIMEDIA

the cat allergy products. Nida Mahmud Circassia’s chairman Dr Francesco News Editor Granata said: “This IPO is a logical step in the evolution of the Company as we seek to exploit fully our assets ircassia, a spinoffand prepare for commercial launch of company from an our lead product, Cat-SPIRE” Imperial lab discovery in The CEO of Imperial innovations, 2006 has announced that Russ Cummings said: “Circassia it plans to float on the is a great example of our business CLondon Stock Exchange. It hopes to model in action, supporting UK raise approximately £175 million in science and research alongside this the initial public offering. high calibre management team and Carissa is Imperial Innovation’s Board. Circassia benefits from a largest portfolio company, it is a strong group of existing investors biopharmaceutical company at and this listing creates an excellent clinical-stage. Imperial Innovations opportunity to build a leading UK- has a 19.7% equity stake in Circassia. based biopharmaceutical company Carissa develops immunotherapy which is addressing a substantial and products to treat different allergies, growing international market. such as to cats and grass. ToleroMune The announcement of Circassia's is the novel technology that has been intention to float on the Main used to create the products. Market in London follows the recent The money raised will be used to NASDAQ IPO of Oxford Immunotec, commence the final stage of clinical illustrating the considerable strength testing for some of the products, as in depth and maturing of our well as to pay for the market launch of portfolio." takes into account its Brown’s rec- the Home Office animal experimen- Maciej Matuszewski ommendations. The Plan focuses on tation licenses. Sponsored Editorial News Editor strengthening the College’s commit- The Report states that the College ment to the “replacement, reduction hopes that these changes will benefit and refinement of the use of animals “Imperial’s aim of being an inter- mperial College has published in research (3Rs)”, with animals only national leader in animal research”, Student Discounts At a new “Action plan for world being used in research “when there which it considers to be “essential class animal research”. This is no alternative, and when their use for improving human and animal follows allegations made last is shown to be essential for creating health and welfare”. The CBS board Fresh Hairdressers April by the British Union for new knowledge, making scientific has been instructed to produce a re- Ithe Abolition of Vivisection (BUAV) and medical advances and develop- port by the end of the year detailing 70m from South Kensington tube that the College was involved in ing new treatments”. the College’s progress towards these unethical animal research. This led The College has committed to re- goals. to College setting up an independent cruiting a new Director of Bioser- Professor Dermot Kelleher, Dean committee – led by Professor Steve vices and the formation of a Central of Imperial’s Faculty for Medicine Brown, Director of the Medical Biomedical Services (CBS) Board. and Vice President (Health), said: Research Council’s Mammalian The Director and Board will oversee “In the past few months we have en- Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) Genetics Unit at Harwell – to all research involving animals. They gaged widely in search of best prac- All over clipper cuts from £10 investigate the treatment of animals will be responsible for making such tice for managing world-leading, Women’s cut and rough dry £28 at Imperial. research more open and account- complex multi-site animal research Women’s cut and salon finish Reporting in December, the com- able, and putting in place a stronger facilities. I am grateful to colleagues blow-dry £38 (normally £55) mittee “commended the College’s ethical review process. They will across the UK for sharing their ex- Highlights from only £40 animal care staff and the standards also liaise with the existing Animal pert advice and hope that our action of husbandry” but criticised the sup- Welfare and Ethical Review Body plan may also help the broader com- Sorry CASH only! port and leadership structure in the (AWERB), which will be given new munity in strengthening its work field of animal research. Professor staff and have its remit strength- in this area. Imperial’s new action FRESH hairdressers are offering Brown commented that: “Our inves- ened. Sub-branches of the AWERB plan will change the culture towards the best haircuts, prices and Appointments available Tuesday to tigation identified a number of seri- will also be established in individual animal research at the College, by service in South Kensington. Saturdays 9.30 to 6.30 ous concerns on the conduct, man- labs and research groups to allow improving the way we manage this agement and oversight of animal closer contact with researchers. It work in a clear, accountable and Please call 0207 823 8968 to We are only 70 metres from research at Imperial College. ... Im- is hoped that this new support and transparent way, finding more ways book an appointment and ask for South Kensington station at 15a perial College is internationally rec- oversight structure will help staff of applying the 3Rs, and strengthen- a student discount. Please bring Harrington road, South Kensington, ognised as one of the world’s best re- working with animals identify how ing our investment in how we assess your student ID we look forward to SW7 3ES 0207 823 8968. search institutes and it is important to best achieve the 3Rs and ensure and review research proposals. Our seeing you. that this is matched by its standards that the highest standards of ani- aim remains to deliver world class We use the best styling products Check out our website: of animal use and welfare.” mal welfare are maintained. Special research for the benefit of humans from Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal. www.freshhairdressers.co.uk The College has says that it fully training will be also be provided to and animals, whilst treating all our accepts the findings of the Brown make staff understand the impor- animals with full respect and the Report and that the new Action Plan tance of staying within the terms of highest standards of care.” 4 FRIDAY 07 FEB Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, NEWS Aamna Mohdin [email protected] Graduating Imperial Gas leak students leave launches new fears in National Student Money Week thousands of Global MBA Royal College he Financial Support Office, in collaboration with the Imperial pounds on of Science College Union, is running a National Student Money Week event Nida Mahmud between 11:00 and 14:00 on Thursday 13 February in the Junior print service News Editor building T Common Room. mperials new global MBA course The aim of our event is to raise awareness of student financial issues and Maciej Matuszewski launched, which will make its Maciej Matuszewski offer help, advice and money saving tips to help with budgeting your day- News Editor teaching available to the world. News Editor to-day finances. To find out more, visit www.imperial.ac.uk/studentfinance/ Imperial Global MBA is a currentstudents/nsmw part-time online programme freedom of information Ithat teaches key business information Come along and meet the Financial Support team and Imperial College request to Imperial via distance learning, so the student he Chemistry Department’s Union for the chance to win some prizes or arrange a money health check. College has revealed doesn’t need to be present in classes We look forward to seeing you! that undergraduate and for most of the programme. The building was closed for a taught postgraduate new course was created due to high short time last week as a What will we be offering? studentsA graduating from Imperial demand from around the world. result of a suspected gas College left over £13,465.09 of unused An online learning platform called Tleak. – Money saving tips printer credit on the College’s system The Hub has been created by the On the evening of Monday, January 22 – Competitions about the cost of living in London, at the end of the 2012/2013 academic Business school to host the new all Chemistry staff and students were including accommodation and food cost year. This is significantly more than programme. Students can use The sent an email saying that the building – Money health check tools and appointments the same figure for most other UK Hub to interact with each other and would be closed until next morning – Ready Steady Cook competition universities. Students at the University their tutors during lectures and via as a result of the leak. However, the of Cambridge only left £5,142.23 on forums. building was tested overnight by EDF the University’s print service while The Dean of Imperial Business who determined that the scare was a Ready MeetSteady the Sabb atCookicals University of St Andrew’s students left school, Professor Anandalingham false alarm. £4,302.80. said: A spokesperson for Imperial College For budding chefs outs there, you might be interested in participating The College, however, was keen “Online learning has experienced a London said: “”Imperial received in our Ready Steady Cook competition! £50 is up for grabs! to point out that “students can real surge in popularity over the last reports of a drop in pressure in the reclaim balances of £10 or more via few years. This is because significant natural gas lines accompanied by a For a chance to win £50 just create a meal, using the contents of your an expenses claim form” – a service advancements in technology have smell of gas in the Chemistry Building food cupboard (do not buy anything extra), and include the follow- that is not available at most other allowed people to effectively learn at approximately 18.00 yesterday. ing 5 ingredients: Tomatoes, Chicken (vegetarian option Tofu), Leek, Universities – and that it actively and study without having to set foot As a precaution, the building was Onion and Mango tries to dissuade students who are in the lecture theatre. Through our evacuated and the gas supply shut reaching the end of their course from innovative software, students will off. Gas engineers were immediately Each meal should contain two courses: a main course with either a buying excessive printer credits. get a cutting-edge online learning notified and a full test of the building starter or dessert. Furthermore, the College made experience that will make them feel took place. The engineers found no assurances that any surplus that is left that they are on campus. They will trace of gas escaping from anywhere Entries should include the recipe, a photograph (if possible), and a unclaimed is always invested back into have the chance to really get to know in the building. total cost of the meal. the print service infrastructure, for one another and feel part of Imperial’s Having established its safety, the example funding the “replacement of community despite being spread building reopened as normal this You can: swipe card readers by contactless card across the world.” morning.” readers”. This surplus only represents The classes for this course will begin Chemistry students were warned • email your entry to [email protected] 8.7% of the total £155,706.60 of printer in January 2015 and applications for “to be extra careful when using credit that was purchased by students new students are currently being mercaptans or thiols, which can often • hand your entry in to the Student Hub (Level 3 Sherfield in 2012/2013. accepted. lead to the gassy smells.” Building) or • hand your entry in at the Money Week event (JCR, 13 Feb). Halls residents finally receive comprehensive guidance about cleaning Entries will close on Monday 17 February (14:00) and the winner will be announced on Friday 21 February.

sent students a booklet containing term, a list of the locations of vacuum The judges will decide on the meal that is the most appetising, inspiring and Joe Letts information about the services the cleaners in halls. the best value for money. Editor-in-Chief cleaners will provide in different areas Essentials has also introduced of the building, along with a list of bundles for cleaning materials, fter months of delay equippment available for students to separated into a bathroom bundle Campus services have use. The guide itself also provides tips and a kitchen bundle. For more finally given halls residents on how to keep bedrooms clean. informaiton, go to: a comprehensive guide Campus Services have also released http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/ A to the cleaning provisions provided schedules pinpointing the exact date accommodation/currentstudents/ in halls. The division has recently each room will be cleaned during the livinginhalls/cleaning.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2014. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Joe Letts News Editors Nida Mahmud, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza, Maciej Matuszewski Features Editor Shiladitya Ghosh Wellbeing Editor Marissa Lewis Business Editor James Tsim Science Editors Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley Politics Editor Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Chung Comment Editors Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey Arts Editor Arianna Sorba Fashion Editor Cécile Borkhataria Books Editors Maciej Matuszewski, Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson, Television Editors John Park, Emily Fulham Film Editor John Park Games Editors Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene, Imran Rashid Technology Editors Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Arawa, Clubs & Socs Editor Nida Mahmud Charity Editor Ben Fernando Travel Editor Chris Richardson Sports Editor Kunal Wagle Puzzles Commanders Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price Online Editors Philip Kent, Annina Sartor, Stephen Ball Copycats Stephen Ball and Annina Sartor Copykittens Jonny Pratt, Ellen Mathieson, Carol Ann Cheah FRIDAY 07 FEB 5

@feliximperial FelixImperial FEATURES Green Week 2014 Coming to a camups near you –10th-14th February 2014

Michael Chung, food waste (look out for coffee cups!) cup of coffee and fill your reusable topic not only involves our future Jineesha Mehta, Emily White, Climate change doesn’t have to be water bottles with tap water. Bottled So what’s happening? with regards to carbon emission, but Kieran Plissoneau all doom and gloom, and there are water is costly for both your wallet also energy security and affordability Green Week Organising Team lots of people and organisations doing and the environment; just think Tuesday 11th, lunchtime: Bike in the UK. Do come along if you want proactive things all over the world with about the amount of transportation Workshop with Bike Users Group at to learn what all the fuss is about and amazing positive consequences. The and packaging involved! Also, BYOB. Faculty Building Bike Store. Learn voice your opinion! omewhere between dusty, age old myth that being sustainable By which we mean bags. Don’t take more about your bike and how to exam stressed brain cells means reducing your quality of life plastic bags from supermarkets, the maintain it! More events are coming soon! Just we all have the equation: is simply not true! Many aspects of union shop, JCR, or anywhere else. If head to http://www.imperialhub.org/ Burning Fossil Fuels + ‘being green’ will save you money, you are planning on a big shop, invest Wednesday 12th, 17:30: Beekeeping green-week to register and reserve Greenhouse Effect =keep you fit and open you up to new in a pretty reusable bag and bring it lecture with Environmental Society at your place or just turn up on the day! SClimate Change = BAD (but not my experiences. with you all the time! Union Meeting Room 1. Learn about problem). For example, we have heard in the While at uni, report any defects the bees at Imperial’s secret garden. We also have a petition covering At least for many of us the problem news that energy prices are at their to Facilities Management. Just different areas, from sustainable is swept aside by a fuzzy “What highest in this decade. Domestic drop an email to fm.csc@imperial. Thursday 13th, lunchtime: Composter sourcing to decreasing the number of can I do about it anyway?” What electricity prices, including VAT, rose ac.uk if you spot a leaking tap or tours on campus. Come and have a plastic bags given at Imperial. Find it we maybe forget is that when we by 7.8% in current terms between Q4 your lecture theatre is getting too look how some of the food waste we on the website or sign it at our events! leave this prestigious university 2012 and Q4 2013. Although most warm. The likelihood is nobody has generate every day! and venture into the real world, power companies have decided to reported a defect or problem yet Imperial Co-operative from 4-6pm in Do you have a great idea or have you many of us will end up in positions freeze their bills this year, TfL didn’t. and it’s something that can easily be the Sherfield Foyer. Buy organic and seen anything that College could do of considerable power. We may be By walking or cycling into College, fixed. If you are leaving experiments fairtrade food at bargain prices! better? Tweet, Facebook or Instagram responsible for choosing how ethics you save on travelcards, and that’s to run, don’t forget to close the fume these with the hashtag #ICGreenWeek influence the actions of corporations at least £800 to spend on something cupboard sashes. There are over 700 On 20th February, Imperial Hub will for a chance to win a £5 IC Co-op and governments. This could mean else. Bringing your own bag for of them on campus and studies show be running its bi-weekly Series as a voucher! combatting the conventional wisdom your supermarket shop may also that each fume cupboard produces follow up session of the Green Week. Also, why not become a StepChange

that profits and carbon reductions earn you “green” points in certain up to 9 tonnes of CO2 a year because We shall discuss where we can take ambassador and take action on are conflicting interests, as have done supermarkets; as they say, every little air is constantly extracted from them. the good work of the week further, College’s carbon footprint! Find many key players such as Ikea, Phillips helps. By using them properly (i.e. not as while watching a documentary about out more on imperialhub.org/ and Unilever, all of whom presented storage boxes) and closing the sashes, fracking. This highly controversial stepchange the economic benefits of tackling What the College already does you could save at least 10% of those climate change at last November’s emissions. How’s Imperial Doing? climate summit in Poland. Despite scoring a third class degree in We easily forget the amount of water But first let’s reflect on what the People and Planet Green League, and energy that goes into making the where Imperial stood happens if we stick to “business as the College actually does a lot in terms meat we consume. Why not try eating 113th usual”. Already we are seeing rising of cutting down our emissions. All meat for one day less a week? Not at the Green League 2013 temperatures, shifting rain patterns, new buildings are fitted with more only is a less meat-intensive diet often unprecedented glacial melting, rising environmentally friendly LED lighting cheaper and more sustainable, but sea levels and increasingly common and air filtering systems, while others you’ll be less at risk to some cancers extreme weather leading to floods and are being refurbished to the same high and heart disease. Additionally, droughts. Experts across the world, standard. Only 13% of all college waste whenever you’re about to enjoy a cup including the Grantham Institute for was sent to landfill in 2011-12, with of tea or coffee (or both!), remember Climate Change here at Imperial, are the rest reused, recycled, recovered to only boil the amount of water you predicting that things will get worse and incinerated. need. Not only it would take less time and pose a serious threat to human The on-site composter contributes to make your cuppa, you can also save lives, economic development and to this figure by processing around 2 energy by only boiling the water you The volume of paper printed at Imperial in a year the natural world. Faced with mass tonnes of food waste collected from will use. Estimated from a typical day of around 55,000 pages destruction of ecosystems, increased TasteImperial outlets each week. The spread of infectious diseases, water combined heat and power plant (CHP) Why Green Week? scarcity and decline in agricultural located at the basement of Electrical production, that future doesn’t look and Electronic Engineering produced This year is the first Green Week at bright. And of course the poorest 28,000MW of electricity and 25% of Imperial since 2011. Although some 607051 The number of disposable coffee cups countries will suffer the most, with heating at South Kensington during people doubt the effectiveness of a used at TasteImperial outlets in 2013 fragile economies bearing the costs of 2011/12, and energy produced in this Green Week, we feel like it is a good infrastructure destruction. way has an efficiency of up to 90%, opportunity to keep sustainability on So to help people, possibly like you, compared to 40% from conventional everyone’s radar, especially as a way 79,451 tonnes of carbon dioxide were emitted feeling helpless up against climate power plants. of learning more about our actions from Imperial College in 2011/12 change, we welcome you to Go Green Despite this, the carbon emissions without the hard selling, like we have Week. By highlighting the positives of at College remain at a high level and been before. Hence, Imperial Hub has what our university is already doing the related taxes stood at around decided to join another 80 education of total waste was recycled, reused and and introducing some great practical £900,000 in 2011/12. This sizeable institutions in the UK for the “Go 84% recovered in 2011/12 starting points for you to become amount could be put to better use if Green Week”, a national initiative to more sustainable in your own life, we our emissions weren’t so high. encourage students to contribute to hope that you’ll get engaged with ‘the this issue. problem of our generation’. Tackling Easy ways to be more green It will be a chance for you to learn climate change happens on many more about different campaigns that Don’t Forget! levels, and as a community of 17,000 There are many ways to help Imperial are going on and eco-friendly facilities we really can demand that Imperial to be environmentally friendly and around College, but also voice your #ICGreenWeek throughout the week for events, updates and behaves sustainably, whether through many of these are habits that don’t opinions about what should be done taking investment out of fossil fuel take much to change. As a starter, to help College, and us, to be as your big ideas to win prizes! companies or reducing energy and bring a reusable mug for your next “green” as possible. 6 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: Shiladitya Ghosh FEATURES [email protected] Ereira’s Business Insight

avistock Tutors was set up by Marcus Ereira and Luke Shelley when Nida Mahmud they were just 17 years old. A few years on, the business has grown News Editor tremendously and they have over 300 tutors on their books. They provide private tutors for GCSE and A-levels as well as extra-curricular activities. Tavistock Tutors started of advertising the company with a Tbrightly coloured orange bicycle, and now have their own G Wizz driving around London. They have clients ranging from the Far East to America and they plan to be the best agency in the world. I caught up with Marcus to find out more about the enthralling duo.

Nida Mahmud: What businesses are in the world. I was 17 years old and long hours and not getting paid. you working on? didn’t have any money to start out, so My parents wanted me to finish my Marcus Ereira: I tried setting up a I was out and about trying to recruit studies, it was also hard to be taken student card with a business partner wherever I could. I called up heads seriously at a young age. The timing in the past. He was previously of departments of universities to get was helpful in a sense as I was living studying at UPenn and saw the idea them to refer students and postgrads. at home; I didn’t have expenses and was successful in the States; we tried At the beginning our rates were far didn’t need to make any money. to do something similar in London, cheaper than our general competitors. When you are starting a business, unfortunately it didn’t work as well At that time rates were cheaper than it is likely that you would be as we had liked. I am working on others. Most competitors are charging running everything yourself, from Tavistock full time with my business £55-60 an hour at the moment, we the accounting, HR, running the partner Luke; it has grown very are significantly cheaper than them marketing and managing the overall quickly in countries and areas that we often offering the same tutor at at business; it can get difficult to juggle wouldn’t have expected any business £40 an hour. The tutors were still everything. from. getting paid about the same whether they were working with us or them as NM: What are the key skills needed NM: How did you start up Tavistock we take a smaller commission than for a business? Tutors? our competitors. At the beginning ME: I believe anyone can go and set ME: It was set up when I was in we had lower overheads than other something up, it is really important to school at 17 with Luke, we grew up in companies so we could afford to do be proactive and enthusiastic about same area so knew each other since that, even now we are still able to do what you are doing, you have to be we were kids. I had used tutors from that. I am amazed by the fact some prepared to work long hours. It is other agencies and had found some agencies take 50% commission for fantastic to see young people setting were charging 45-50% commission. lessons on an ongoing basis. up business. 4 years after setting up So I set up my own agency with Luke. Tavistock Tutors we are working crazy I left school to focus on it full time and NM: How did you put together hours, 7 days a week and 13 hour waited for Luke to finish his A-levels logistics and figure everything out? days, but both Luke and I enjoy it. It before I started University at Regents Was it trial and error or did you have is important to enjoy what you are Business School. someone helping you? doing. There are lots of opportunities ME: We didn’t have anyone helping despite the poor economy. NM: Are you looking at starting out, it was mainly Luke and I trying other businesses or are you solely to organise things and a big part was NM: Any other tips? hoping to focus on Tavistock? trial and error. We spoke to other ME: Some things work for some ME: I am looking into things, but agencies to find out how much they people and they don’t necessarily it is hard to say what might happen. were charging and spoke to tutors to work for others. I don’t think there’s a Steve Jobs talks about connecting find out how much they were getting rule book for setting up a business, but the dots; you can connect the dots paid, so we basically tried to find it’s important to be different. You just looking back but you can’t connect as many faults as possible with the need to enjoy what you do. Nobody them looking forward. At the moment system. Other agencies were not very should expect to make a fortune at the Tavistock Tutors is my business transparent and tutors weren’t aware start. and my priority. As I am generally of what was happening. We are the interested in business there are things cheapest in comparison to our direct I have come across and looked into competitors and feel it’s good to be and read about, whether or not I make transparent with our rates. it a priority to dedicate a significant time towards something other than NM: What things have been the Tavistock Tutors is something I am biggest obstacles in the businesses not a hundred percent sure about. I you have been with? am interested in wells out there and it ME: Obstacles are ongoing. With is difficult to say what might happen Tavistock it was difficult starting with ten years down the line and what else no money, we needed to get our name I might want to do then. out there. It is easy to go to printing shops and have them hand out leaflets NM: How did you set up Tavistock on the street, but so many leaflets get Tutors and how are you different to thrown in the bin, so we wanted to do other similar businesses? something different. I saw a bicycle ME: When I started online at in the skip one day, I picked it up and www.tavistocktutors.com, we were painted it bright orange; it was parked not able to get certain tutors other outside different schools and worked agencies had. Some agencies only as a great piece of advertisement that recruited from Oxbridge and Ivy was very cheap to do. It’s hard to set League universities from the states, up a business when you don’t have just generally the best universities much money and it’s hard working © 2013 Accenture. All rights reserved.

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Editors: Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley SCIENCE [email protected] Crystallography turns 100 James Bezer on the triumphs of one of the most influential scientific techniques

here are few scientific grating, with the waves being spread widely used to techniques that have had out by the spaces between atoms. For determine the such an enormous influence the waves to be diffracted, they need to structures of across so many disciplines have a wavelength as close as possible a huge variety as crystallography. to the atomic spacing (a few hundred of biological TIn the past 100 years, it has led to picometres), which is why X-rays molecules. In the no fewer than 28 Nobel Prizes for are ideal. However, other particles, 1950s and 60s, discoveries from right across the including neutrons and electrons, are Dorothy Hodgkin natural sciences, and remains one also sometimes used. became the first the best ways we have of determining X-ray diffraction crystallography to determine the nanoscale structure of everything has given us a detailed understanding the structure from proteins to microprocessors. of much more complex molecules of vitamin B12 In an effort to raise awareness than the simple lattices the Braggs first and penicillin, of the technique’s extraordinary looked at. Its most famous discovery winning the 1963 achievements, the UN has named came in 1953, at King’s College Nobel Prize in 2014 the International Year of London, as a team led by Rosalind chemistry for her Crystallography. The year was Franklin and Maurice Wilkins were discoveries. selected to commemorate the 100th trying to analyse DNA using X-rays. Even today, it’s anniversary of the award of the Nobel One of the biggest problems faced still one of the Prize in physics to Max von Laue, who by Franklin and Wilkins was trying best techniques first discovered that X-rays could be to create perfect crystals from DNA we have of diffracted by crystals. samples. Large molecules, like DNA determining the

Just a year later, the prize went to or proteins, have to be extremely pure structure of large lifesciencesfoundation.org William Henry Bragg and his son before they will crystallise, and it often molecules; one of Crystallography images were crucial to solving the molecular structure of DNA William Lawrence for developing takes weeks or months to get a good the main uses of this technique to discover crystal enough crystal to form. the £300 million structures. By firing X-rays directly Eventually, they managed to produce Diamond Light Source in Oxfordshire, getting a very detailed understanding But despite this list of achievements, at a crystal and observing the pattern an image of the molecule that allowed the UK’s national synchrotron facility, of its shape. Just a few years ago, in crystallography remains relatively they make as they pass through, they Francis Crick and James Watson, is to generate extremely intense X-rays 2009, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry unknown outside scientific circles. could determine the spacing between working under Lawrence Bragg in for use in crystallography. was awarded for the discovery of Perhaps the International Year the layers of the crystal lattice, and its Cambridge, to establish the shape of In structural biology, major the structure of the ribosome, the of Crystallography will help it be overall structure. the DNA double helix. discoveries can be made about the apparatus in cells that makes proteins, rightfully seen as one of the most The crystal acts a bit like a diffraction Since then, crystallography has been behaviour of, say, a protein or virus, by using the technique. important techniques in science. New catalyst removes excess atmospheric carbon University of Delaware finds a new non-porous silver catalyst

less harmful products. Doing this in an an extremely large surface Pavitar Singh Devgon efficient way is still a major challenge area (150 times greater Science Writer for sustainable energy research. than its polycrystalline Commonly, a silver catalyst is the counterpart) and the choice material when reacting carbon curved surface means there esearchers from the dioxide due to the high selectivity are a high number of active University of Delaware and relatively low cost. Additionally, sites (at least 20 times have developed a new the inorganic nature of silver means more than polycrystalline). catalyst that may reduce it remains stable under high reaction This resulted in a reaction the surplus carbon conditions. Previous research studied activity three orders of Rdioxide in the atmosphere. The the effects of using low potentials on magnitude higher, and with proposed nano-porous silver catalyst silver particles in ionic electrolytes. only a moderate potential encourages the conversion of carbon However, the cost of liquid of less than 500 mV. dioxide into carbon monoxide. electrolytes, as well as their sensitivity “[The] selective While initially this may not sound moisture means that there is room for conversion of carbon like a victory, it is simply the first step; improvement. dioxide to carbon the carbon monoxide produces can The researchers found that with monoxide is a promising be fed as a reactant in the Fischer- switching from a commonly used route for clean energy but Tropsch process, which is used to polycrystalline to their novel nano- it is a technically difficult create synthetic fuels. porous silver electro catalyst structure process to accomplish,” Carbon dioxide is one of the most efficiency achieved rose to 92%, an Jiao said. “We’re hopeful abundant greenhouse gases in the important success for the project. that the catalyst we have atmosphere, but the concentration of Feng Jiao, an assistant professor developed can pave the way the gas is on the increase. An important of chemical and biochemical toward future advances in

area of research at the moment is engineering, led the project, which this area.” Illustration courtesy of Feng Jiao and SCIENCE DAILY capturing surplus carbon dioxide in delivered promising results. Jiao’s team DOI: The nano-polycrystalline structure converts the carbon dioxide molecules to carbon monoxide the atmosphere and converting it into created the catalyst structure with 10.1038/ncomms4242 FRIDAY 07 FEB 9

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FelixScience SCIENCE First GM monkeys born in China

Chris Yates on the potential of the technique that made cute custom monkeys

gene-editing technique Mice are commonly used for that has taken the investigating human disease, but in world by storm over many cases the biological systems are the past year has for too different to act as a meaningful the first time been model. This is particularly true carriedA out in primates, hinting at the in neuroscience, where research potential for more accurate models of into disorders such as autism and human diseases like Alzheimer’s. schizophrenia relies on behavioural The CRISPR/Cas9 method is based analysis, which can be difficult in on a naturally occurring phenomenon mice. in bacteria, which acts as an antiviral These latest results, published in immune system by using short Cell, show for the first time that this stretches of RNA to target viral mechanism works in whole primates, genomes for destruction. not just in cell lines. This development Because the Cas9 protein responsible brings about the potential for knocking for cutting the DNA is guided to its out specific genes in primates, giving target by RNA, the sequence of the more realistic models of human RNA can be specifically designed disease. By targeting genes involved in to cut a specific part of the genome, diseases such as Parkinson’s disease, allowing specific genes to be targeted. our understanding of how this disease Once cut, the gene can be knocked out develops and how it may be treated or replaced with a slightly different could be greatly increased. copy. However, using primates brings with The ease with which this method it many problems. Keeping a primate can be used to knock out genes, is much more expensive and time- These twin cynomolgus monkeys, Ningning and Mingming, truly are special snowflakes or to replace faulty genes with consuming than housing mice, and Cell, Niu et al healthy copies, has led to many researchers working on non-human potential applications, including in primates have regularly been the human primate models. technology give a more accurate, the disease as seen in the whole biotechnology and food production. A target of anti-vivisection protestors. It remains to be seen just how cheaper and faster way of removing body, the fact that they are made up recent publication created over 18,000 While it is possible for a single the new technology affects the use genes, which could make primate of human cells is a huge advantage, human cell lines, each with a different institution to contain mouse models of primates in research. Currently research much more efficient. helping to avoid many of the ethical gene removed, while the time taken to for many diseases, each with a available methods for knocking out An alternative to using primate problems posed by animal models produce a mouse with a gene knocked different gene removed, it is hard to genes in primates rely on infection models is to grow human cells or and potentially giving a more realistic out has been slashed from months to a imagine many universities having the with a virus, giving unpredictable tissues in the lab and target these. model of the disease. matter of weeks. space or budget to house many non- and inefficient results. This new Whilst these will not fully recapitulate DOI: 10.1016/j.cell.2014.01.027 Waterjet printer set to make a splash

temperature, the paper would dry out Anand Jagatia in just under a day. At 70C, the ink Science Writer disappears in just 30 seconds. Importantly, the technology can be used with existing inkjet printers - the team simply replaced the ink in isappearing a printer cartridge with water using ink’ generally a syringe. A single sheet of paper can conjures up be re-used up to 50 times, and based

images of spies on this sort of usage the technology mars.nasa.gov and secret would be a mere 1% of the cost of ‘Dmessages. Until now, attempts to standard inkjet printing. create a disappearing ink have been The process used to treat the paper expensive (and sometimes toxic), with does make it slightly more expensive, the results appearing rather faint on but only around 5% more so than the page. But researchers from China normal paper, meaning overall the have come up with a solution that uses technology is very cost-effective. nothing but plain old water. As well as being cheap, using a The secret, though, lies in the paper. technology like this in offices and The team came up with a special schools would have significant Nature Communications, Sean Xiao-An Zhang et al kind of coating which changes colour benefits for the environment. when it reacts with water. Over time According to some studies, up to 40% thousands of trees. gold and purple. From pictures of the will be to improve the resolution, and the water evaporates and the dye of office prints are thrown away after At the moment, the printers can group’s first attempts, writing looks to enable the printing multiple colours becomes invisible again, meaning the just one reading, so water-jet printing only produce one colour at a time, clear and accurate - certainly good for images. paper is completely reusable. At room would also save reams of paper and from a selection of blue, magenta, enough for general use. The next step DOI: 10.1038/ncomms4044 10 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani POLITICS [email protected] Russia and the situation in Ukraine Kartikeya Rana looks at the Ukraine protests and its link with Russia

its strength, Russia has decided to asking Syria to deal with its chemical hold the Winter Olympics in Sochi, a weapon stockpiles. However, the way Kartikeya Rana fond holiday resort of Vladmir Putin. Russia has been behaving domestically Politics Editor These Olympics have already been has been questionable to say the least. marked with serious controversy Human rights issues and a lack of with local wildlife and population free speech allows Russia to be open kraine has been being dispersed. People have been to major scrutiny. If Russia wishes currently going through forcibly evicted from their homes for to make the unnecessarily expensive a very tumultuous development purposes. Furthermore, Olympic games successful, it has to period with protests the whole project has been seen to change the way it has been behaving and rioting in various be rampant with corruption with a both domestically and internationally. Uparts of the country. The interest of large proportion of spending being the Russian government in Ukraine diverted elsewhere. The games have may have a grave impact on the Sochi been proclaimed to be even more Let’s have more than Winter Olympics and lead to further expensive than the Beijing Olympics two people sharing scrutiny of the Putin government but how much of these expenses have by western powers and the world been efficiently spent is questionable. their views on media. Thus, Putin has to be very Locals have not been satisfied with Politics. careful about what steps he takes the construction process and have internationally, more so now than blamed the authorities for disrupting Send your articles ever before. CNN NEWS their lifestyle and putting their futures to: Ukraine has been going through corrupt nation in Europe” according region. in jeopardy for the sake of ensuring a Kartikeya Rana intense ever since President to Transparency International. People The politics of pressure and successful Olympic event. Yanukovich suspended trade talks are seen to be dissatisfied with the sanctions, however, is not one, which Russia has been trying to clean [email protected] with the EU (Ed: sic). These trade current establishment and would a modern nation should follow to its image by allowing certain agreements would have eased off some also like systematic change. The expand its field of influence. The political prisoners, such as Mikhail travel restrictions that the country idea that Ukraine is falling under idea that Russia wishes to divide the Khodorkovsky, to be released and had been facing in mainland Europe. Russian pressure may be blamed on nations in an archaic, post First World The free trade agreement would have the fact that it currently has a weak War fashion allowed the movement of machinery and corrupt establishment. Since the seems to be and transport equipment as well as government has too strong a desire to disconnected other goods to the country, which remain in power, it would rather bow from the would have boosted its manufacturing down to Russian economic pressure modern form industry tremendously. Furthermore, and sanctions than follow what is good of diplomacy. Ukraine would have been able to for the nation as a whole. This has Furthermore, further its export of iron, steel, mining added further fuel to the protests and Vladmir Putin as well as agricultural products to the opposition has been supporting has to be careful the EU bringing in much needed the protestors for trying to tackle about the steps foreign currency. The general public the current establishment. However, he takes due to supported the trade agreement and the government has not been willing the upcoming as a result, the suspension has led to listen and has been threatening Sochi Winter to bitter resentment amongst the stringent actions if the protestors do Olympics. Ukrainian people. So why did Kiev not leave the government buildings. Clearly, suspend this trade agreement even The police has already been very Russia wishes though they knew stalling such a move brutal in its way of tackling the to establish could have been a political disaster? protestors and may not listen to the itself as a very Vladmir Putin has been bitterly people’s demands anytime soon. influential opposed to this trade agreement from The Russian establishment has power and the outset. Thus, there was a threat shown bitter resentment against the has been of a loss of trade with Russia if the EU trade agreements for a number of moderately Ukranian government becomes more reasons. The official statement claims successful in involved with the EU. The official that the free trade agreement could doing so. As ‘They say everyone has statement from President Yanukovich, be a ‘big threat’ to Moscow. This is a supporter according to the BBC, is that Ukraine because; the goods from Europe could of the Assad skeletons in their closet, could not afford to sacrifice trade with be flooded into Moscow virtually regime and Russia. This may have been true to an without tariffs due to the free trade having signed I actually do.’ extent due to the links that Ukraine agreement between Moscow and Kiev. oil agreements has had with Russia in the past. The This, according to Putin, would cause with Iran, Dr Silvia Bello relationships between Russia and Russia’s car, agriculture and aviation Russia has Palaeoanthropologist Ukraine have been well established industries to suffer. The damage been expanding from the time of the Soviet Union to the Russian industry, however, its sphere of and although the Union has been will not be as large as it would be influence in the dismantled, a large proportion of the towards his ego. A lot of rules and Arab world. links still remain. The statement by regulations can be put in place to Furthermore, the President may have played against maintain Russian industry, which the by signing people’s emotions due to the atrocities Russian authorities can be able to free trade and prejudices faced by them under maintain. There are also reasons to agreements Soviet rule in the past. The idea of believe that Putin may be against the with China, having their independent government trade agreements for personal gains. Russia has been bow down to Russian pressure may Putin has a desire for Ukraine to join able to make bring back some bitter resentment. the customs union, which includes itself an active However, there is evidence to Russia, Belarus and Kazakhstan. By member in believe there is more to this situation. enhancing the union, Putin wishes world affairs. Ukraine is said to be “the most to expand Russia’s influence in the To further show FRIDAY 07 FEB 11

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FelixImperial COMMENT Our stake in the arms industry

served in Vietnam, the Gulf War and according to legal charity Reprieve Finally, Rolls-Royce is one of those Trenchard, if he would be willing Christy Kelly is now serving as a Director of arms passed on locational information to quintessentially British institutions, to take on Iraq. This proved to be a Writer industry giant Lockheed Martin. the CIA – resulting in the death of and its fortunes were made by some judicious decision; the subsequent Some Imperial students may recognise Khan’s father. Apparently, this case quintessentially British characters. military and economic success of the CEO Rupert Pearce; he has lectured as was not ‘exceptional’ enough for to Following the colossal military failure RAF in Iraq had proven the tactical a visiting fellow on Imperial College ‘sit in judgement’ of a foreign power. in Kut al-Amara, the massive operation advantages that airpower could afford. mperial College London has a Business School’s Entrepreneurship This may well be true: at least 4700 required to take Mesopotamia (Iraq), Aircraft also had their uses in purely £3.9 million stake in the arms program. people have been executed without and the incredible unpopularity of administrative matters. It seems that industry, according to a report General Electric, meanwhile, has trial (‘murdered’?) by drone attacks. the new liberators (sound familiar?) when Churchill learnt that aerial in the London Student. The played a key role in the development What’s one more in 4700? which culminated in armed revolt in action had been taken to aid in tax report, published on Monday of Obama’s Drone war. As they say General Electric have a slew of 1920, Secretary of State for War and collection – that is, villages bombed I27th January, details the shares that in an advertising brochure: ‘the other dubious claims to fame, be Air Winston Churchill was working for not paying taxes – even the British London universities have invested concept of unmanned aerial systems it corruption during the sale of out the best way to reduce military bulldog balked. However he soon got in various arms companies. Imperial … is revolutionising the way military fighter jets to Israel or one of the costs in Baghdad. Much of the cabinet over his finer scruples: when asked by has by far the largest stake with £3.9 information is gathered and even how worst environmental and nuclear was surprised when PM Lloyd George Trenchard if he wanted to ‘stifle the million out of a total of £7.4 million. adversaries are engaged. GE Intelligent safety records in the world. As for had cavalierly told Secretary of State growing infant’ Churchill replied he More specifically: Imperial has £1.75 Platforms has been there every step Texas Instruments, allow me to just for War Winston Churchill that he was behind airpower ‘in every way.’ million invested in General Electric, of the way.’ I assume this means that quote its ‘High Reliability’ (HiRel) was to ‘take air with him’ also. As an This should come as no surprise; this £922 thousand in Inmarsat, £489 they accept legal responsibility for any sub-group: ‘it is HiRel's vision to be RAF book puts it ‘Lloyd George knew is the man who couldn’t understand thousand in Texas Instruments and drone attacks that do occur? Still, legal the world's number one supplier of that Churchill was more air-minded ‘this squeamishness about the use of £753 thousand in Rolls Royce. The culpability seems unlikely since British semiconductor-based products and than most of his political colleagues’. gas’ against ‘uncivilised tribes’ and report says Imperial College refused judges threw out Noor Khan’s appeal services to the defense and aerospace Thus Churchill was acting in character ‘recalcitrant Arabs.’ to comment on its holdings. To my for justice against the GCHQ, which markets’. when he asked father of the RAF, Hugh Of the planes deployed in Iraq at the knowledge, it has yet to change this time the Bristol Fighter was designed decision. around a Rolls-Royce engine. To give a brief and perhaps However the true impact on Rolls- selective account of the companies: Royce was due to the RAF’s expansion Inmarsat ‘provides mobile satellite following operations in Iraq, such that communications services’. Two of its by the late-20s aeroplane engines were four dedicated ‘market-facing business the mainstay of Rolls-Royce Ltd. By units’ are focussed on ‘government the time Henry Royce died in 1933, he opportunities, both military and civil’. had designed the Merlin aero-engine One of them boasts that Inmarsat which was to be used in the most is ‘the frontline of mission-critical famous British aircraft of WWII, the communications for US government.’ Spitfire. Thus, in 1934 it is touching The board of directors contains one to see Lloyd George keen to keep this Admiral James Ellis who apparently rolls-royce.com legacy alive. On age and respect for your elders

citizen, but no chance of being as The apparent cessation of the Some councils even install mosquito the ones most likely to take it. Inaction influential as you once were. This ageing process is one of the biggest emulating buzz tones in public spaces is not going to solve any issues; a Our Man in Dam would be a typical experience, though reasons that is making it increasingly to prevent yoofs from congregating, a government under the current system Anonymous things are changing. difficult for young people to ‘make policy that is unlikely to improve the will still form if some people abstain When I was in the local record shop it’ in Britain today. The increase of self-esteem of those that it targets. from voting. If you want to improve last week I noticed something very tuition fees would help subsidise The days of 16-24 being the best years the prospects of your generation as strange in the new releases section. old age pensions which is by far the of your life have sadly long gone. well as for yourself, then vote for espect your elders” is a About half the LPs were in fact biggest expenditure in the benefits The government consistentlythose who you believe will stand for mantra that I always felt repackaged and re-released Beatles budget. I wasn’t completely opposed favouring old over young people that. Alternatively organise an armed was redundant. You would albums and compilations. Others in in principle to £9000 fees when they is understandable; old people revolution. When I was very young, give someone due respect the section included the new Mogwai came in, however now that they are vote whereas young people don’t. my mother once bemoaned about if they were reasonable album and a Herbie Hancock re- the status quo it seems that they Whenever I hear Russell Brand telling being past it once you were forty. Rand polite to you, as anyone should release. The aforementioned are all were an effective way to engineer the us not to vote, I cry deep down inside It seems more lamentable that the be, or you would give them special great artists, however, it had never social makeup of universities; many because the people to whom this opposite is now the case. consideration, such as offering your struck me so hard how difficult it must people are tragically ignorant of how advice will be of most detriment to are seat on the bus, if they were physically be to break into the music business as to finance their higher education and infirm, not just because they were a youngster when you are contending struggle to view it as an investment. old. It is not the case that I resent with people such as this. Baby boomer Meanwhile, amongst the most savage old people; I’m just very suspicious Will Self recently reflected on the spending cuts, politicians debate of anyone who demands special same issue of how, whilst minding his whether or not to stop giving free TV treatment for being in a position children at Reading Festival, all the licences to the richest pensioners. that is passively attained, like being teenagers were flocking to see bands The youth is also despised by our privately educated, provided that it in their forties and fifties, whereas elders; statistics suggest the general is not an affliction, though many may he thought Bob Dylan, then aged 38, public believe 15% of girls under 16 view old age as one. was a relic of a bygone era when he are pregnant every year (in truth only Back in the good old days, as many saw him in his youth. Technology, be 0.6% are) whereas the majority of news a pensioner would wistfully sigh, once it in media or medicine, is helping to stories about young people in the you were claiming your free bus pass preserve the aged, and this is fuelling house wife and suburban orientated you were a has-been. Still dignified, our era’s lust for nostalgia. And yes, I media focus on stabbings or how yet of reduced means compared to do realise the irony of a record shop someone on legal highs mutilated Ironic revelations in a record shop? How hipster... your prime. Not quite a second class being the setting of this. themselves or their loved ones. 12 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected] Philsophical Investigations

look carefully, it is not just the detail embarrassment. The embarrassment that Kripke has neglected to include is, of course, Wittgenstein’s mysticism, Christy Kelly in his description of the Tractatus. the irrational and pessimist Writer We see that his account is roughly Wittgenstein that appreciates expressed by the following: ‘What is Schopenhauer and the millenarian the case – a fact – is the existence of Spengler. Wittgenstein explicitly a state of affairs.’ (2). ‘In a proposition makes room for his mysticism: ‘The a thought finds an expression that limits of my language are the limits eneath the differences can be perceived by the senses’ (3.1). of my world.’ (5.6); ‘The sense of the between Wittgenstein’s ‘A proposition is a picture of reality’ world must lie outside the world’ Tractatus-Logico (4.01). ‘A proposition represents (6.41); ‘Propositions can express Philosophicus and the existence and non-existence of nothing which is higher’ (6.42); ‘God his Philosophical states of affairs’ (4.1). ‘A proposition does not reveal himself in the world’ BInvestigations there is a more is a truth-function of elementary (6.432); ‘There are indeed things fundamental continuity between the propositions.’ (5). which cannot be put into words. They texts. This article relies heavily on two Now the devil is in the detail, but make themselves manifest. They are books, Alain Badiou’s Wittgenstein’s Kripke’s account in no way necessitates what is mystical.’ (6.522). Anti-Philosophy and Saul Kripke’s On three of the seven fundamental logical In light of the above we can Rules and Private Languages. propositions ‘The world is all that is understand the enigmatic final line the case’ (1). ‘Bear in mind the general of the Tractatus (‘Whereof we cannot Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus form of a truth-function.(6). ‘What speak…’). This is not so much an we cannot speak about we must pass attempt to dismiss the irrational and Saul Kripke sums up the argument over in silence’ (7). Although there is the mystical but an explicit attempt in Tractatus briefly: ‘To each sentence a valid complaint that, though (6) is to protect it. Russell reproaches there corresponds a (possible) fact. not necessitated by Kripke’s account it Wittgenstein for this irrational ‘excess’, If such a fact obtains the sentence is is suggested by it. Some of the ‘detail’ ‘the totalities concerning which Mr true, if not false. For atomic sentences within (6) suggest quite different Wittgenstein holds that it is impossible the relation between the sentence conclusions to Kripke’s own. It has to speak logically are nevertheless and the fact it alleges is one of simple been included amongst the ‘nays’ thought by him to exist, and are the correspondence or isomorphism. … because of that. subject-matter of his mysticism.’ The An atomic sentence is itself a fact, Indeed, Kripke’s account only analyst in Russell comes through putting the names in a certain relation; accounts for the first half of ‘[abolishing the mystical] would and it says that … the corresponding Wittgenstein’s explanation in the leave untouched a very large part of objects are in the same relation. Other preface ‘What can be said at all can Mr Wittgenstein’s theory, though that Kripke gives he has, undoubtedly, the Investigations no longer maintain sentences are … truth-functions of be said clearly, and what we cannot possibly not the part upon which he a ‘powerful philosophical intelligence’ as the Tractatus does that ‘whatever these.’ talk about we must pass over in himself would wish to lay most stress.’ and he very persuasively argues that can be said can be said clearly’ (for Kripke admits that though ‘the rough silence.’ Much of Wittgenstein’s book This, however, moves too fast for, as the ‘sceptics paradox’ described in instance family resemblances instead outlines are well known’, ‘in the detail is passed over in silence because Wittgenstein was no doubt aware, if (201) of the Investigations is the of the simple correspondence between the Tractatus is amongst the most analytical philosophy simply cannot you remove the mystical and its ability central problem of the Investigations. object and fact), it has very little to difficult of philosophical works.’ If we discuss it without some considerable to ‘make itself manifest’, you lose the ‘This was our paradox: no course of say about the ‘whereof we cannot key part of Wittgenstein’s theory. action could be determined by a rule, speak’. The Investigations have clearly All references to the Tractatus are taken from the Routledge Classics Thus: ‘A picture cannot, however, because every course of action can be questioned the principle of the self- (2001) edition which uses the 1961 Pears and McGuinness translation depict its pictorial for; it displays made out to accord with the rule.’ This evident manifestation of meaning; one and includes an introduction by Bertrand Russell also quoted in the text. it.’ (2.172); ‘A thought can never be becomes clear if we follow Kripke’s of the largely correct commonplaces References to the Investigation are from Blackwell’s third edition of the anything illogical; if it were we’d have to explicit example. about the Investigations suggests that text, translated by GEM Anscombe. think illogically.’ (3.03); ‘A proposition It is clear that I have performed a Wittgenstein no longer maintains shows its sense. A proposition shows finite number of computations in the the link between logical form and how things stand if it is true. And it past. Suppose that 68 plus 57 is not a language or the logic of meaning. Has says that they do so stand.’ (4.022); computation I have ever performed Wittgenstein undergone a crisis of ‘The general propositional form is and both 68 and 57 are greater than faith? This may be the philosophical the essence of a proposition’ (5.471). any integers I have previously used corollary to his growing pessimism, Finally, ‘The propositions of logic in an additional computation. What not helped by WWII and the death describe the scaffolding of the world, if a sceptic asserts that the correct of Frank Ramsey. Wittgenstein or rather they represent it … It is answer to the computation is, say, 5 speaks: Could we not see that as the clear that something about the world instead of 125? They point out that in reintroduction of faith into the very must be indicated by the fact that our past experience, what we called act of speaking itself? certain combinations of symbols & plus is fully consistent with a different This explains both the pessimism tautologies. This contains the decisive operator, say quus with symbol ++, and the enduring preoccupation with point. Logic is not a field wherewe that follows the rules x++y=x+y solipsism. His position that the very act express our wishes with the help of if x,y <57, otherwise x++y=5. The of speaking is to act as Kierkegaard’s signs but rather, one where the nature sceptic’s point is that there is nothing soldier of faith is no easy burden to of the absolutely necessary signs speak to justify that when I said plus in the bear. It is perhaps no surprise that for all for itself.’ Every significant ‘atom’ of past I meant the operator + and not Wittgenstein’s alleged ‘behaviourism’ language in the Tractatus relies on the ++, and even if I specifically thought he is as deeply introspective as that self-evident manifestation of its own of, say, the mathematical definition Christian existentialist. This explains meaning, its ability to show or display of + each time I said ‘x plus y,’ there Wittgenstein’s enduring desire for the its logical form, and if you remove the is nothing to justify my use of plus to one reader who truly understands his ability for the mystical to make itself mean + instead of ++ this time. Both project. The Tractatus is Wittgenstein’s manifest then this too must apply to operations are consistent with past first expression of a mystical faith: meaning itself. This leads us to the experience and the use of one or the The fact that Wittgenstein made the Investigations. other is logically unjustifiable. Investigations ready for publication I consider Kripke’s discussion suggests that despite a very real Philosophical Investigations informative and recommend anyone personal crisis, there was a more interested in the Investigation to read mature expression of the same in the Despite the description of Tractatus it. The key point, however, is that while Philosophical Investigations. FRIDAY 07 FEB 13

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FelixImperial COMMENT Confessions of a GTA: Part 10 Talking to MSc students can be highly disconcerting

about and claim it as theirs. As my to a question about how you would the questions kept on coming: “Could So my confession this week is, The GTA supervisor is not really involved with apply this technique in “real life”. I you help me understand this bit in the although it was a refreshing change Anonymous them, I had assumed that was that for mean they weren’t even interested in notes?”, “I understand the question from the constant “Will we get a me, but somehow early this term I where to get marks, but my somewhat but what is the best way to start out question like this in an exam?”, to be talked my way into one. surprised explanation was again of our two?” and even “Could you tell honest talking to other people who I was not really sure what to expect, thanked and the person retreated to me about an extra book you found cared about your subject was highly or most of my time as a but prepped the notes as usual, on the, “check an answer with a friend”. And helpful?” disconcerting. GTA here, I have stuck very um… night before. When I walked securely to the undergrads. into the room something immediately These are people I may not hit me: lack of smell. To be fair to the always like but at least I undergrads some of the ventilation in Fknow where they are coming from. I the lecture halls is really terrible, but have been there. I have experienced to be honest after they have been in a the peaks and troughs (or more confined space for an hour or two, it likely deep underwater trenches) of is not always the nicest place to enter. undergrad life. Also the MSc faces looking back at With the MScs, however, it is me were kind of old. Not gnarly or different. They make more exotic and anything, but older definitely than me hard to find GTA work than 3rd year which was off putting especially know undergrads. Their courses are an awful I was trying to help people who had lot smaller (lowering their sighting much, much more experience than chances) and they are only taught by me. certain departments (lowering the Before long I had my first question, habitats). where a pair of students (who had Due to their rarity they also hang checked with each other first, which around in one big group and when was weird) did not understand the threatened by countless undergrads question. I explained and was thanked generally stake out some sort of politely and not as an afterthought back room not many people know which was nice. This was a prequel

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Editors: Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey COMMENT [email protected]

An open letter to the President Of Cleaning (again), cat of Imperial College London allergies and weather Dear Professor Sir Keith O’Nions, Felix We are writing to you as staff, students and alumni of Imperial College London, as we are new information has been provided concerned that the university endowment fund is investing heavily in fossil fuels. Imperial to students. While there is some College's £79.1m million endowment fund is the UK's 10th largest, and £4,356,285 of this is argument that the new cleaning directly being invested in oil, coal and gas. Imperial has no ethical investment policy. booklet and detailed cleaning rota should have always been in place, let alone at the start of term, it is We call on Imperial to: refreshing to see some meaningful action from the department, even oooo, Imperial’s reseach if it took over four months to get to 1) Immediately freeze any new investment in fossil fuel companies. on cat immunotherapy the stage of releasing a booklet (for 2) Divest from current directly owned shares and any co-mingled funds that invest in fossil lead to the creation more see pg. 4). fuel companies within 5 years. of a startup and more Ignoring the fairly woeful volume recently an IPO worth of vacuum cleaners distributed S£175m during an upcoming stock amongst the student population Imperial College is currently ranked 113th in People & Planet's Green League, reflecting market float (see page 3)? in halls, at least they can now buy a lack of commitment to environmental issues. Imperial is a world-leading institution in cleaning bundles from Essentials. Keep the Cat Free! Finally, Monday see’s the opening environmental and climate change research, and we feel the college fund should reflect this of nominations for next year’s and not be investing in resources that are the root cause of climate change. After the state of this week’s Sabbatical Team, along with many Why is this important? weather, aside from investing in other important positions such a conspicuously branding free as Departmental Representatives umbrella at the Union shop, we (the people who can get your Climate change has been described as the most serious challenge of our generation. Under feel that and cat related sicknesses department to improve your the United Nations Copenhagen Accord, countries have agreed to limit warming to 2 degrees or allergies are of a high priority! course), student trustees (students After successive articles about the who are voted to sit on the Union’s to prevent dangerous climate change. Campus Services’ poor handling highest democratic board, and of the cleaning provisions this year, much, much more. Climate change has been described as the most serious challenge of our generation. Under Felix is fairly impressed to see that You’d better start running! the United Nations Copenhagen Accord, countries have agreed to limit warming to 2 degrees to prevent dangerous climate change. Moreover, investing in fossil fuels poses a serious LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: More from teh Lolcat editor financial risk. According to recent research led by Professor Lord Stern at LSE, two-thirds of current fossil fuels reserves are unburnable if climate change is to be kept to the globally- agreed limit of 2 degrees of warming.

In this regard, we call upon the new president of Imperial College London to set a new precedent by working with the Endowment Fund Board to issue explicit guidance to ensure funds are divested away from fossil fuels.

Signed by 126 signatories made up of staff, students, and university alumni. Search for Divest Imperial from fossil fuels at: gofossilfree.org to add your signature.

“London has experienced far worse things during its incredible history. In living memory, people would turn up to work to find a pile of rubble where their shop once stood. Defiantly, they grabbed a broom and got sweeping. We didn’t let the National Socialists get to us. We shouldn’t let millionaire socialist Bob Crow either.

- Discussion about the tube strikes, Felix Facebook” Union Page

Pick your Guest Ales Give your opinion for the h-bar and The on your educational Union Bar for March experience at Imperial

spring 2014 EVENTS THIS WEEK imperialcollegeunion.org/stressless The National Student Survey is open for final You can vote for a Guest Ale to feature in our FREE DROP-IN ARTS & bars during March. All you need to do is take the year Undergraduate students. Every year CRAFTS SESSION poll on the Union website throughout February the NSS gives you an important opportunity Tuesday 11 February, 12:00 - and the ale with the highest votes wins! Just to express their level of satisfaction with their 14:30 visit imperialcollegeunion.org/realales to cast your education. The level of involvement matters; last Free vote. This month’s ales to choose from are: year 81% of final year students filled in the NSS, Dining Hall, Union Building Release your inner child with our and we are hoping you will help to maintain or fun arts & crafts session. Have The Union Bar beat this percentage in 2014. a go creating fun thumb-print • AK. 3.7% ABV, £2.90 a pint characters, a Valentine ‘s Day card • Merrie England, 5% ABV, £3.40 a pint For Masters students, the Postgraduate Taught or a funky robot. Mathematical • Grand Slam, 4% ABV, £3.20 a pint Experience Survey (PTES) 2014 is now open. colouring-in will also be available. No artistic talent required • Belhaven IPA, 3.8% ABV, £3.20 a pint It begins this week and will close on Thursday (imagination optional). Drop-in at 19 June. You will receive an email from the any time. The h-bar Registry’s Surveys Team with your link to the • Yardbird IPA, 4.0% ABV, £3.30 a pint survey. The survey is your chance to tell us • Ruddles Country, 4.3% ABV, £3.50 a pint about your experience of your course. • McMullen A.K, 3.7% ABV, £3.20 a pint • Titanic Brewery Plum Porter, 4.9% ABV£3.50 Your feedback is important for letting us know a pint what’s working well and what’s not at Imperial • College. We will use the findings to enhance the You can also Pick a Pizza! student experience for our current and future Choose which guest pizza we have in students. FiveSixEight. Visit imperialcollegeunion.org/pizza to see the selections and pick your favourite. Poll For more information on both surveys, visit our Book your place closes at 17:00 on Friday 14 February! website and keep an eye out for information to on our first Rep your College email address. Conference on 19 February Get your ticket for the International Development Conference The International Development Conference is a day of insprational seminars from leaders in science To register or find out and international development will promote discussion and debate at the second annual International more, please visit Development Conference (IDC) on Saturday 15 February at Imperial College London. The conference imperialcollegeunion. will provide an opportunity to learn the role science and technology play in international development, and how young minds can help change the world for the better. You can find more information and org/repconference. tickets on the conference’s website, imperialidc.org.

imperialcollegeunion.org 16 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: Arianna Sorba ARTS [email protected]

V&A’s Boiler Room

underway, and after a short dance, Under The Vaults Eamonn Postlethwaite (making sure to get myself in the Writer way of the cameras filming for the online stream) I made my way to the Fred Fyles goes underground as part of nearby Medieval and Renaissance he Friday Lates are, much as Room where electronic musicians the name suggests, a series Bill Kouligas and Mat Dryhurst, the Waterloo Vaults Festival of exhibitions that take place joined in their conviction that live on a Friday night, specifically streaming will become its own who have lost the ability to perceive the last Friday of each expressive medium, were performing reality, and the repetitious nature Tmonth. The content is purposefully live manipulation of the boiler room of caring for them, Roche repeats chosen to be very different from what audio. Most interesting about this certain scenes and conversations one might expect to be displayed in exhibit was how organic it was; the multiple times. Sometimes they are the V&A – this most recent Friday distance from the boiler room was at different speeds, but mostly they Late, on the 31st of January, was small enough such that you could are delivered with exactly the same curated by Boiler Room, a somewhat still just about hear the original, tone and intonation. While this hard to describe entity. while listening to the abstract mix might have not been a problem in Boiler Room, the brainchild of produced unrehearsed by the two a production with multiple actors, Blaise Bellville, started life as a musicians. They were chatting to each or in a longer piece, in the context guest-list only club night in Dalston other, dancing to their own modified of this performance they somewhat that showcased the best of London’s beats and talking to and encouraging grate, creating a jarring experience. underground electronic music scene members of the audience to “get But then again, this could have by streaming a live TV feed online their funk on”. It was unpretentious been the intention of Roche all along; for every performance. It grew fun, created by two people with real nevertheless, the most impressive in importance and repute until it interest in what they were doing. parts of the monologue come when became the big name in the scene, Journeying now to the highest Roche is whipped up into a childlike and now has offices in New York, level of the V&A, and into the very frenzy, describing her life with Berlin and Los Angeles. Importantly, comfortable Lydia and Manfred Gorvy aplomb. it has branched out from streaming lecture theatre, my favourite exhibit It can be difficult to convincingly performances, and now takes part of the night, called London Modular, describe what life is like for the in all kinds of cultural music based were creating the kind of noises elderly in our society, who are often forums, including Friday Late. that make you make that face. Four denied a voice, or – in the case of The first thing I noticed upon walking enormous modular synths were being Alzheimer’s – not really able to speak into the V&A from the Exhibition programmed live to create some truly for themselves. Roche’s expressive Road entrance was how surreal it was beautiful music, while informative phrases seem to capture all the joy to be surrounded by beautiful marble slides were on loop via projector. and despair that come with living in sculptures of nymphs and classical The best part came when they used an old people’s home; she talks about era gods and goddesses, while having analogue synthesis to produce the fun she used to have with the my ears bombarded with sounds chaotic noise via a series of non-linear residents, and in the next line delivers very much on the experimental edge dynamical equations, and then used cutting remarks about their ‘paper- of London’s electronic music scene. digital logic gates to decide which thin skin’, that can only make you feel The theme of the evening can very noise to filter. They dealt with the a profound sense of pity. loosely be summed up as “exploring infinitesimal point at which a system For me, the most arresting moment the relationships between spaces, changes from deterministic to truly came when Roche describes what technology and sound”, and the chaotic, which, as a mathematician, happened when a childhood friend first exhibit I saw was the Bristol I found particularly interesting. After MICHELLE ROCHE, VAULT FESTIVAL came over to the house; she describes collective Emptyset’s piece, Medium. the performance we were encouraged I Grew Up In An Old People’s Home, a monologue by Michelle Roche all that happened in a blur of words, Set outside in the John Madejski to go and poke around with the synths becoming more and more excited, Garden, and displayed on a large and ask any questions we may have, hen I take my at the top of his lungs, and Tiger, and then, when she repeats the story LED screen with several speakers, and the enthusiasm of all involved seat in the the former mountain climber who is more slowly, it seems to dawn on her the piece used semi-static images of was truly heart-warming. slightly cramped, now confined to her bed, fed a series how terrifying her friend would have the gothic Woodchester Mansion and There was so many exhibits I didn’t underground of mashed up meals. Roche looks found the experience. This change harsh static to change the area into a have chance to see on the night, but theatre that back at the world with rose-tinted from wonder to horror is a subtle grim and foreboding place, in sharp the sheer inventiveness and variety makesW up one of the venues of the spectacles, reminiscing that she one that Roche manages to pull off contrast to the brightly lit, opulent of those that I did, along with the £0 Vault Festival, I am not just sitting never experienced any tragedy, never without a hitch. and warm museum interior. entry fee, means I would recommend in a room 10 metres below Waterloo noticed when one of the residents At the beginning of the production, Next I came to the grand entrance next month’s Friday Late to anyone, Station; I am instead inhabiting the had died; and yet, the production we are told that the wall behind us is where the boiler room set itself was regardless of its subject matter. space between ‘sanity and death’. is tinged with a current of regret the ‘sane world’, where we have all of At least, this is what we are told by and pathos that runs to its core. our memories, and we know what’s Michelle Roche, whose monologue Nearly all the residents of the home what, while the back of the stage ‘I Grew Up In An Old Person’s Home’ had Alzheimer’s, that most horrific represents ‘death’. Roche invites us details what her life was like as a young of disorders that robs a person of into the twilight zone, between these person whose parents converted their memories and reasoning, and two worlds, giving us a glimpse – their house into a care home for the in one of the play’s most startling albeit short – into life as an elderly elderly. Over the course of 45 minutes scenes Roche acts out a conversation person; it is a difficult piece to pull we find out all about the adventures, between an elderly woman and her off, but Roche manages to show us the incidents, and personal tragedies that visiting son, whom she no longer world of her childhood, one of cups went on under that roof. recognises. Flitting from character to of tea, snowstorms, and nostalgia. Roche, who appears alone on character, Roche transitions between the stage, bar the company of states of excitement, hope, and four precariously strung teacups, depression at the drop of a hat. The Vault Festival is a 6 week arts cuts an instantly likeable figure. However, while the acting may be and entertainment festival with over Joyful and expressive, she bounces great, the play somewhat falters on 60 events. It is running 28th January across the stage, acting out various its scripting, which has a tendency to – 8th March, under the tunnels at characters from her childhood; we lack pace, giving the play a somewhat Waterloo station. Admission to the

SOUND IT OUT © V&A are introduced to the elderly Scottish sluggish feel. Emphasising the warped festival is free but events are ticketed gentleman who bellows folk songs experiences of dementia patients, seperately, prices start at £7.50. FRIDAY 07 FEB 17

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FelixImperial CLUBS & SOCS

The Case of the Man who Defeated Death Imperial’s got Talent Anisa Nomaan on Imperial’s recent talent competiton

Hannah Edmonton o does Imperial really have saying he was “distracted” by the shiny to very close positions. Third place IC Christian Union talent? Well, judging by purple hat and tie, and the Deputy went to , who treated the standard of the final President of the Union, Nat Kempston, the audience to a variety of songs ten acts at Imperial’s Got was simply speechless after William’s from ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger to he crime scene was everything short of spectacular. The crowd Talent we can definitely artistic dance performance. There was ‘Earthquake’ By Labrinth, whilst gathered on top of the hillside to experience the rudimental Sconfirm YES! This year we had yet even a surprise Michael Jackson dance second place went to the Salsa dance proceeding. Some with tears in their eyes, a helpless sorrow for another amazing turnout to what done by a man in a white suit, known by Alice & Oz. Finally, the winner of the convicted, some with ridicule on their tongues and pride has become Imperial’s biggest talent only as Fabio. No one knows where Imperial’s Got Talent 2014 was the in their hearts. Others simply indifferent. Three people put on competition, helping to raise £1000 he came from or how he managed to CGCU President Lejon and his band, Tdisplay: beaten, mocked and hung out to die, their clothes cast for keeps. for Save the Children. The wide fit himself into the program but all reclaiming the title they won in 2010! And they did die. Their limp, lifeless bodies dragged down from the nails on variety of acts left our judges amazed, we know is he can dance! The casting The after-party was kicked off by the which they hung to be buried with the earth from whence they came. speechless, impressed and sometimes of the votes was preceded by the headline act ZAR who sang some just plain confused. Commenting on much-awaited raffle draw which had favourites such as ‘Life Ain’t Easy’. As I stated before, the crime scene was unimpressive as was the crime, for the Belly Dancing act, ICU Save the some amazing prizes such as a flight A huge congratulation to all the many have been killed for crimes they did not commit. What came after, Children President, Anisa Nomaan, simulation and bottles of wine. The performers, committee and thank you however, was a marvel that would leave even Sherlock Holmes bewildered. stated she “wished she could dance audience was able to vote with 40% of to everyone that helped support ICU For though three died that same day, only one rose on the third day, his being like that”. RAG President, Callum Kirk the votes counted for by the audience RAG Save the Children. See you next as intact as it was before he entered the tomb. No pulse ball was inserted was left stunned by the band Titch Bits and 60% from the judges, which led year! between his arm and body or face copy placed on his dead arch nemesis. He literally defeated death. But how did he do the undoable? How could he defeat death without a landing cushion to break his fall?

The clues were there from the beginning. Before his immaculate conception, prophecies proclaimed that one would come, like a lamb to the slaughter, to die for all and in doing so conquer death. His sinless life alongside the miracles he did were clues that this despised man was the Messiah told of from the beginning. He was the Saviour that came to redeem his people from destruction. But why did He do it? And how does something that occurred over 2000 years ago affect us today? Perhaps the larger mystery is not that he was resurrected, but that he defeated death so that those that had rejected, and would continue to reject, him could have eternal life.

To investigate this theory, Imperial College Christian Union is hosting a series of lunch talks from February 10th to the 14th as well as two evening events on the Tuesday and Thursday entitled “Jesus: Case Closed?” The talks will be 20 minutes long at 12:00 and again at 1:00 with free lunch provided and a Q&A afterword. For more information visit: iccu.co.uk/case_closed. php. Whether you’re fervently interested or simply want a free meal, come along as various speakers discuss religion, God, the Bible and the case of Jesus, because although this case may seem unimportant to some, it is, my dear reader, far from elementary. present The Duck Variations by David Mamet A short comedy about life, death and ducks 19:00 on Monday 10th, Tuesday 11th and Thursday 13th February in the Union Bar “Two old peckers make a splash” Free of charge FASHION

George Butcher Mechanical Engineering 3rd Year

Scarf M&S £12 Jacket Primark £40 Want to write Trousers Next or model for £40 Shoes the Fashion TK Maxx £24 Section? Sideburns God £Priceless

24 FRIDAY 07 FEB Editor: Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson, William MUSIC Stocker [email protected] When I See The Sunn O))) (& Ulver) Riaz Agahi examines a collaboration that’s more minimal than metal

unn O))) are a widely famed album, for the sake of comparison if and much loved instutution nothing else. in any experimental music The name Sunn O))), as well as fan’s mind. A hugely being a reference to the Fender Amp impressive live reputation model, was a reference to drone metal Shas given then legendary status, as pioneers Earth, with the idea of Sunn have a load of releases, including revolving around Earth in mind. as Sunn O))), many of which Dylan Carlson, the founder of Earth, feature guest collaborators, such as is also the subject of a track on The Merzbow’s appearance in ‘O))) Bow’ Grimmrobe Demos (1999). on 3:Flight of the Behemoth or Oren Their most recent studio effort, Ambarchi, John Wiese and Xasthur Monoliths and Dimensions (which (among others) on Black One as well interestingly features Carlson himself) as full album collaborations including saw the band experimenting with Altar, a collaboration with Boris. more orchestral textures. The widely accepted sound of Ulver, who have seemingly reached Sunn O))) is gut shuddering drones, a similar point of experimentation, are played perilously loud generally robe a Norwegian band who started out -lad on a foggy stage, to put it simply. as a Black Metal group, but before Although unrecognisable as metal the end of an early set of albums to some, Sunn O)))’s music is drone called Black Metal Trilogie they had, metal, and while many people claim ironically, moved away from anything Electric Wizard to be ‘the heaviest that would traiditionally called black band on earth,’ I strongly suggest metal. They then releasedThemes from Heaven and Hell, an album considered almost cinematic or theatrical feel to track on the album, and listening these individuals pick up a Sunn O))) William Blake’s The Marriage of a masterpiece through its blending the album, as well as almost bypassing to the opening couple of minutes, of black metal with a wider range of drone and modernising the art of where we hear a sort of bassy drone genres including industrial, ambient minimalist composition. metal-ish sound with strings over it, and some electronic sounds. Sunn O)))’s Stephen O’Malley, I am very much reminded of Earth’s AMS album of the week The folklore inspired band has a noted purveyor of sonic doom, recent work, which I would describe incorporated an impressive selection of additionally described the album as Drone-Country. The most notable Behemoth – The Satanist genres over their career and in many ways as ‘more raga than rock,’ and this is change to follow is the lyricism, it seems like a confluence of directions, certainly an important aspect, but far preceeded by synth line over which I This week’s album of the week is quite possibly with both bands working towards from refuting my minimalism point, can almost hear the persistent chant the most anticipated metal album of the year. more acoustic, or even symphonic, it merely reinforces it, as pretty much of ‘Koyaanisqatsi.’ I have to admit that This expectation surrounding Blackened Death instrumentation. It seems only apt that all of the early Minimalist composers, vocals in experimental music rarely do metal band Behemoth’s The Satanist is due to the two bands should release together including Glass, Terry Riley, and La it for me, and I’ve often felt that overt two reasons. The first being that Behemoth are and the announcement of this album Monte Young, dabbled in non-western human intervention in ethereal music a huge metal band. Behemoth are a household certainly created a stir. music, and particularly Indian music shatters the ambience, but I must name in their native Poland (Behemoths lead The result is expectedly unexpected, as a source of inspiration for their admit that on repeated listens the guitarist, vocalist and lyricist, Nergal was a in other words, seems to follow both work, and a great example of this can vocals are rather evocative and seem judge on the Polish version of The Voice) and band’s trajectory, but certainly is very be found in Young’s releases with his to form the climax of the album. have earned a large international following due to their fierce metal sound. The different from what each band’s genre project Theatre of Eternal Music. This is followed by bleak droning second reason being that in 2010 Nergal was diagnosed with Leukaemia. may be on paper. The opener ‘Let there be light’ and a return to the initial Earth-ish Originally told that his Leukaemia could not be treated due to its advanced Terrestrials was certainly a long is certainly reminiscient to me of motif, which is developed by the state, a diagnosis that subsequently was proved false as Nergal subsequently time in the making. It was originally Koyaanisqatsi, especially in the use gradual addition of elements to create recovered after a bone marrow transplant, the brush with mortality has resulted made in Ulver’s Crystal Canyon of some rather minimalist repetitive a very emotional and cathartic end. in the band writing their most focused, daring and atmospheric album to date. studio in Oslo in 2008, recorded ‘live pulsing, which is most noticably I’ve often wanted to see modern Moving away from the heathen lyrical content, The Satanist shows Behemoth in improvisation’ over the course of a augmented by a very eastern sounding ambient or experimental musicians embracing (unsurprisingly) more satanic imagery. The Recruitment of occultist single night. Since that fateful night, trumpet, which gives it a very distilling, in a less subtle manner painter Denis Forkas Kostromitin to paint the artwork for the album (artwork additional violins, violas and trumpets theatrical, ethereal ambience. than they already do, the ideas of which used Nergals blood mixed in the paint no less) is testament to this change were added to the album, which ‘Western Horn,’ the second track minimalist composition into a modern in thematic direction. certainly give a much thicker timbre is perhaps closer to Sunn O)))’s roots, piece, and aside from perhaps the The album begins with the surprisingly tense and atmospheric “Blow Your and perhaps add a little to the sense if only by virtue of posessing some work of Svarte Greiner (the closest Trumpets Gabriel”. Combining Nergal’s harsh, dangerous, vocals with doomy of epic grandeur in a surpremely great low drones, and I guess if I were really thing I’ve found), it seems I’ve finally guitar riffs and haunting trumpets the opener ebbs and flows from doomy guitar musical journey, but admittedly this trying to push the minimalist thing managed to find something like that in and trumpet to brutal blast beat sections. Where “…Gabriel” is atmospheric the may be largely due to the atmosphere I’d say it’s more Young than Glass. Terrestrials. next six songs show that Behemoth have no fears about playing fast. Songs such of the recording; It slowly develops, with variations My summation of the album is as “Furor Divinus” with its melodic guitar lines and furious drumming, to the “You know that opening sequence in the background and in so doing that it’s the result of two bands coming wonderful “Ora Pro Nobis Lucifer” with it’s catchy (for Death Metal) hooks to of Koyaanisqatsi, where the desolate moves through a variety of moods, together at the perfect time, making the black metal themed Amen all showcase Behemoths intricate understanding desert landscapes, waves and cloud most notably a style which, tonally at something grandiose and powerful, of the sound they wish to achieve. formations roll over the screen least, almost recalls doom metal but which at times feels more like a The album then returns to more atmospheric pastures with “In Absence accompanied by deep male chanting admittedly it lacks pounding drums, composition than an improvised work Of Light” featuring spoken word sections over acoustic guitars. The closer is and organ ostinatos. That’s where we or any drums at all. Comforting from 2 (formally) metal bands. possibly the best track on the album displaying Behemoth’s ability to balance were.” – Daniel O’Sullivan ambient sounds, feedback and piano It’s truly a musical journey, as it the heavier and more sections of their sound with the anthemic choir and Koyaanisqatsi was an abstract film tones occasionally protrude through moves through a rich variety of genres orchestra sections, without sounding cheesy or losing their vicious edge. featuring pictures of beautiful scenery the harsh sonic surface and these and moods, and it’s a journey in which Musically “The Satanist” is not the weirdest or heaviest of Behemoths releases and marvels of nature juxtaposed with moments of contrast are highly I was thoroughly immersed. This is (In my opinion Demigod deserves the title of heaviest) this album features a chaotic images of urban life. It also, satisfying. certainly an early album of the year revitalised Behemoth unleashing a focussed and united piece of work. rather endearingly, is backed up by an The album seemlessly meanders contender, now someone just needs to Rob Garside amazing soundtrack, scored by Philip into the album closer - ‘Eternal Return.’ produce an appropriately ethereal film Glass. O’Sullivan’s words underline an This is possibly the most interesting to accompany it.... FRIDAY 07 FEB 25

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FelixImperial MUSIC You Blew It! Don’t Blow It Stuart Masson reviews the Florida band’s sophomore effort

ack in 2012, You Blew The opening track is the absolutely guitars work together to form another been a really good track. It! released their debut excellent Match & Tinder. It’s an pretty decent track. Luckily, You Blew It! really pick it album, Grow Up, Dude. upbeat pop-punk-esque track, Regional Dialect opens with a similar up with the rest of the album. Rock Unfortunately for me, with a pounding drumbeat and a traditional emo sound, but then opens Springs does the slowed down punky I didn’t get around to really catchy chorus. It sounds like a up into a heavier sound. Lyrically it’s emo thing really well. It’s what Dads Blistening to it until last summer. cheerful Snowing or a gruff Dowsing absolutely superb. It’s a track about tried to do with their latest EP, except, Smacking heavily of the standard (emo bands really love the present a friend who’s overindulging in you know, it’s really good. The ending, bearers of emo revival, Algernon participle). The song isn’t explicity narcotics and some of the lines here with its superb instrumental section Cadwallader and Snowing, they were about Tinder, but the lyrics are still are just incredible. I wouldn’t normally followed by one last furiously shouted yet another Cap’n Jazz for the modern really great. I have a feeling my quote lyrics in a review but when chorus, is just sublime. You & Me & age type band. I’m a huge fan of that housemates are going to get pretty they’re as good as “you won’t find a Me goes back to the more delicate sound, and this is one of the better pissed off at me singing this chorus drug you can take to forget this” then I approach, but it’s no less good. The examples of it. There was one slower over and over again during the next feel like I need to indulge myself. The lyrics are great, the vocals are great, song, The Fifties, was a really tender few weeks. highlight is the final crushing couplet: hell, the whole damn track is great. ending of almost hilariously emo and beautiful track that I became fairly Award of the Year Award comes in “for every good thing I could say about Again, it’s fairly comparable to Into proportions. The repeated refrain of obsessed with, but more importantly, like an Into It. Over It. (emo bands you, there’s a great reason why I refuse It. Over It., but it’s also better than “maybe things aren’t quite as bad as gave me hope for the follow up. They also really love punctuation) track and to”. It’s solid gold from start to finish. anything on Intersections [most recent I let myself believe” really shouldn’t were clearly a band with more to pretty much sticks with that theme, Up next comes a couple of tracks I II.OI. album]. work, but it does. It really does. It’s offer, so I promised myself to listen although the much more gravelly don’t care for as much. House Address Gray Matter is punky, twinkly and such a good way to end the album. to their next effort immediately. Keep vocals are a nice change. Strong Island starts slow and builds up to a nice brilliant. It’s a great example of why This is everything I wanted it to be. Doing What You’re Doing came out in is the first track that sounds like crescendo, but that’s only at the one emo is such an exciting genre at the The vast majority of the tracks are January, and I’m glad I was so prompt more typical midwest emo. A pulsing minute mark and the song is nearly moment. There’s fury, but it’s so well great. In fact, it’s a much better record listening to it. bassline, whiney vocals and twinkly five minutes long. There’s lots of good channelled. This is anger at its most than the debut. They’ve definitely ideas here, but it’s a bit overblown and intelligent. The riffs hit hard in sound, grown up, dude (sorry). This is definitely too drawn out. A Different the lyrics hit hard in content and the more cohesive, more varied and the Kind of Kindling opens with bare whole thing is just brought together tracks are better. The heavier tracks vocals. It’s a brave decision and one so well. are fantastic from a songwriting that I think backfires pretty badly. The final track, Better to Best, perspective. The softer tracks are Upon every listen I’m expecting a certainly isn’t the highlight of the beautiful from a lyrical perspective. whole track to kick in halfway through album, but it is a great ending. A There’s several which are fantastic the first line, but then it doesn’t and sparse intro leads into an almost at both. It’s refreshing to see a band it’s just awkward. Emo singers are not euphoric crescendo with wall of sound attempt some progression, and it’s known for being in key, and this is no guitars and wordless chants. This wall great that it worked so well. Hopefully exception. It’s a shame, because if the of sound is interspersed with sections they’ll keep doing what they’re doing whole track had kicked in half way of sparser guitars and lyrics, before (really sorry) and just keep getting through the first line it would have the two are combined for a euphoric better. Until then, listen to this.

– a particular set of intervals used dissonant to finish on, but were used of his music is organised according to between 3 voices moving in parallel. purely for the character of their sound. an incredibly complex ‘superstructure’, Emiel’s Guide to However, now the great musical This represents an important change often so subtle that its existence was unification of Europe was beginning in the way music was considered: not discovered until much later. For - the so-called ‘Renaissance’ and now free from loftier religious example, the Missa Prolationum Classical Music composers could draw on many aims and appreciated purely as an is made of multiple movements, of these styles in their own music. auditory art and for composer’s skilful each containing two separate yet Emiel de Lange Guillaume Dufay (1397-1474), a craftsmanship. simultaneous ‘canons’ (complicated Netherlandish composer, was the first Thanks in part to the contributions types of ‘rounds’) with each part Episode 5 - The Renaissance to gain fame across the continent. He of Dufay, the ‘Franco-Netherlandish’ moving at different pace. These himself travelled extensively between style of polyphony would come to ingenious structures work to underlie Welcome back to my history of internationalised, and perhaps we France and Italy and even worked for dominate European music throughout a “timeless flow” of polyphony. western music. Just before the could argue that in the very long- the Pope. Despite being the last major the Renaissance. The next major Ockeghem extended the range of all Christmas break we discussed term, it also became homogenised as composer to use medieval rhythmic figure wasJohannes Ockeghem the voices - overlapping them so that a composer named Guillaume diverse European musical cultures structures, Dufay’s music is celebrated (1410-1497), also born in present-day each gained a new independence and de Machaut and the fascinating interacted and mixed. for its fluid rhythms and memorable Belgium. Ockeghem worked at the importance, and he avoided cadences developments that set literate music A few regional styles still remained melodies, but his most interesting (resolutions) except at key moments, off on its own course. Notated music prominent throughout the 14th contributions are harmonic. Hopefully giving these a structural purpose and spread like wildfire throughout Century. The Ars Subtilior of you recall Pythagoras’ discovery that creating a sort of floating sensation. Europe and the proportion of southern France had an obsession more consonant intervals are the We have now reached a point where composers who would still be with complexity and further result of simpler frequency ratios, and music has become a truly creative art, remembered today skyrocketed. subtleties; composers often invented remember that until this point most and the composers we discuss could The course of music from here on new forms of notation in order to composers had been concerned with fairly be labelled as ‘geniuses’. We are becomes more and more complex, communicate these. In Italy the only the most consonant of these – entering a time of new richness and and I can no longer attempt to Trecento style became dominant, the 5th and the 4th. More dissonant diversity and of great innovations present as straightforward a with Francesco Landini, a blind intervals were treated as ‘stepping- royal courts for most of his life, but which will eventually lead develop into narrative as I have done. Instead, I organist, setting the tone. Landini stones’ in moving polyphonically (i.e. became a canon at the now familiar the musical system familiar to us all. will continue by discussing with you worked in the republic of Florence multiple voices) from one consonance Notre Dame Cathedral. He made a My descriptions of this wealth will be the major composers and styles so as and wrote music for the urbane to another. Now, Dufay borrowed great fortune throughout his long life, necessarily poor in comparison to the to remain relevant to the listening and sophisticated mercantile elites. from the English the extensive use and was famed for his robust build and music itself, so as always please check of a modern audience. On the other The British Isles too had been of 3rds and 6ths, giving his music deep voice. Ockeghem, like Machaut or the Felix websites for musical excerpts, hand, during the 14th Century, somewhat isolated and composers an unprecedented richness and Perotin, continued the development and I look forward to introducing techniques were shared throughout had developed many peculiar and sweetness of sound. Importantly, these of polyphonic complexity but at an you next week to perhaps the greatest the continent – music became unique styles, such as the descant harmonies were still considered too unprecedented scale. Indeed, much musical genius yet; Josquin des Prez. 26 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: Maciej Matuszewski, Eva BOOKS Rosenthal [email protected] Student Picks The Immoralist Eva Rosenthal picks:

Oblomov by Ivan Goncharov Eoghan Totten explores a thoughtful and

Oblomovism. This is a Russian word for sloth or lazi- ness. It is a word born from the indolence of the pro- subtle masterpiece from the early 1900s tagonist of Oblomov, the most famous work of the 19th century writer Ivan Goncharov. Ilya Ilyich Oblomov, a member of the landed gentry, Despite being published in 1902 I find lives a life of complete and overwhelming indolence. He that this novel reads as though it were caught the ‘illness’ as a result of spending a childhood fifty years ahead of its time. The tone of in the village of Oblomovka, where family and peas- Gide’s writing is sparse, conservative and ants alike found the greatest of pleasures in the general yet at times overwhelmingly beautiful. sleepiness that permeated their lives. Oblomov sleeps For a writer with an aversion to the novel and dreams and daydreams all day, lying in his bed, in- in his formative years, Gide has blended capable of understanding why anyone would ever want meter, imagery, subterfuge and cipher to to enter the disingenuous social world, never far from yield a masterpiece. Michel, the protago- his treasured dressing gown. His problems – he has to nist, is an entrenched, introvert scholar move house, his income is decreasing, his estate is fall- who suffers a severe bout of tuberculosis ing into disrepair – stay outside; he can’t bear to think on honeymoon in North Africa. His sur- about them vival encourages a revival of enthusiasm Oblomov can be read as social satire on the idleness of for life. the landed gentry slowly but inevitably leading to their demise. It has elements of hilarity but for me, the true “The tone of Gide’s essence of the novel lies in Goncharov’s mild, almost loving portrayal of his tragic character, for Oblomov is writing is sparse, con- in many ways as poetic as he is tragically ridiculous. It is this sympathy in portraying a man who to some peo- servative and yet at ple – perhaps those who have never felt the wondrous power of indolence – may be entirely unsympathetic, time overwhelmingly which has given Oblomov its transcendence. beautiful.”

One manifestation of Michel’s rebirth takes form in the liberation of his sexual desires, a difficult subject to confront in Flash Fiction any era, not least early twentieth cen- tury France. Gide, in light of this, uses Michel’s resurgent passions, desires and whims as a central motif to convey subtle London Café by Eoghan Totten (but firmly present) Nietzschean postula- tions. Michel reneges on his obligations to his wife, to his profession and to social Arabs battle over chessboards while French dine in groups of six. Coffee flows and cocoa gluts. “Gilde has blended Through the window the traffic ebbs and flows and men dangle cigarettes out of open windows. meter, imagery sub- The Café hums while the city screams. terfuge and cipher to yield a masterpiece.”

standing, searching for more base pas- sion, for an affinity with nature free from the shackles of culture. As identified by Alan Sheridan of Cambridge University, Send your submissions for “Michel...has adopted Nietzsche’s view that morality is a weapon of the weak, a our newest regular slave mentality.” In the words of the protagonist , “Cul- features! ture, which is born of life, ends up killing FLASH FICTION: Ultrashort fiction up to 200 characters “...uses passions, de- sires and whims to con- STUDENT PICKS: Send us up Beyond its thematic significance and with nature. This is captured by Gide’s to 250 words on your favour- vey subtle Nietzschean the context of the zenith of Nietzschean use of seasonal imagery and (more than ite book and how it changed influence the novel contains innumerable once) classical allusion, “the banks of the you postulations.” emotive images, “The accreted layers Cyane, still as blue as it flows through of acquired learning flaked away like the papyrus as on the day it wept for [email protected] it.” This theme is embellished by Gide’s greasepaint, offering glimpses of bare Persephone.” implementation of the first person nar- flesh, the real person hidden underneath.” In sum, the novel’s progression is rative. As his social standing, wealth and Gide’s utilisation of simile and allusion seamless and fluid. In my opinion obligations recede, the adverse conse- blend well with Michel’s actions. At times it is informative and enlightening without quences of Michel’s apathy are evident to his relationship with his wife is superseded one being aware of it at the time of the reader. and obfuscated by his preoccupation reading. FRIDAY 07 FEB 27

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FelixImperial FOOD

Skelwith Suppers: Student food, quirks and all George Butcher and his housemates show us how it’s done on their new food blog

skelwithsuppers.wordpress.com

he only thing better than hits – whilst Dani’s pesto got the you over-do the water – add flour till excess around the edges. I took the on top to hold it flat and fry till it’s cooking food, is eating first comment. The ‘thou who cooks it stops being sticky. cut-off excess and cut them into a ‘P’ cooked and all lovely and crispy. it afterwards. That’s the doesn’t wash up’ rule does tend to Heat the oven to 180C. to put on top of the pie. I suggest you I did some mash on the side – boil (unofficial) motto of me and make you a messy cook but it’s all fun Cut the fatty strip from the pork add the remainder to a separate tray some potatoes then add milk and my housemates. We take and I’m only putting on a little bit of (we’ll use it later) and then chop up to cook – everyone likes extra pastry! butter before mashing. If you’re Tturns to cook for each other and put weight :-\ The good folks at Felix asked the rest into pieces. Fry them in oil Cut a hole in the top of the pastry and feeling posh, try using sweet potatoes the results online at skelwithsuppers. me to share one of my recipes with till cooked through. Prep whichever glaze with a bit of milk. If you don’t or butternut squash instead. wordpress.com. you, so here’s one from a recent post: vegetables you like (I used onions, have a brush, splash some milk over We decided to set up a blog Pork Chop Pie. Enjoy! garlic, carrots and mushrooms) and with your fingers and use the back of after realising that all the evidence For the shortcrust pastry, add 130 fry them together in a pan. When a spoon to spread it. Do you write a of everyone’s hard effort was grams of flour and 60g of butter to a they’re done, add the cooked pork Stick it in the oven at 180C, check it food blog or just disappearing into our mouths. It’s bowl. Mix it together with your fingers then 200ml of double cream and a few after 25 minutes – should take around a record for us, but also for anyone to create a breadcrumb type mixture splashes of milk. 30 minutes depending on how thick love cooking? interested in what student food can be as the flour breaks the butter up. Add Roll out the pastry you made earlier. your pastry is. if you put a bit of effort into it. a little bit of water to bring it together. If you lack a rolling pin – an empty Heat up a frying pan with some oil Share it with fellow Imperialites on What with it now all public – we’re Start with a shot glass worth then add wine or spirit bottle will do. Take a and take the strip of fatty skin from Felix Food! getting competitive. Max’s red chilli a few ml at a time – you don’t need casserole dish, add the veg/meat mix, earlier. Season the side then place skin curry currently stands with the most much. Put in in the fridge for now. If then lie the pastry on top and cut the side down in the pan. Use a heavy dish Email [email protected] Eat-out Pick of the Week The Shiori 45 Moscow Rd, W2 4AH meal for the equally-foodie boyfriend theshiori.com // 02072219790 certainly warranted it. Open Tue-Sat. Lunch slots 1230/1300, Located in a tranquil side street in Dinner slots 1830/1900 and 2000/2030 Chinese-roast-duck-laden-Bayswater, The Shiori specializes in Kyoto’s multi- Newsflash: Upmarket Japanese cuisine course kaiseki-ryori. It’s like a mini- wow, much eats - very beauty. here are all 11 courses we had - bet you can’t identify more than the rice/soups/sashimi! is more than just sushi – there’s a banquet of all the authentic grub Japan whole other world of stuff out there. has to offer – you could say that the and each being preceded with a small most Japanese in general. You *are* those places you’d assigned the cliched Unfortunately here in London, concept of modern-day western tasting explanation by the congenial and funny however paying for all the detail and “hidden gem” term to, the premise is upmarket Japanese usually means sushi menus stemmed from it (just that Hitomi (ingredients, how best to eat it, effort that goes into each dish, plus the anything but cliche. The food speaks for or fusion restaurants like Nobu. This the Japanese have been at it for WAY etc.) She’ll most certainly sort you out quality of ingredients is bar none. We itself; personable Japanese hospitality means that when there’s a restaurant longer.) for sake pairings too – novices, relax! do advise that you take your time and takes it above and beyond. about that serves something unique in The small size of the restaurant (12-16 The menu itself (no a la carte by the enjoy your grub; this is not the place to Couples, if you can get a reservation the sea of sushi-teis, I’m all over it like seats!) lends to its lovely intimate feel. way) is seasonal, making the best of come for a “quick” all you can eat! As for this Valentine’s Day (or maybe later on) a rash. Chef Takashi Takagi, who used to run both local and Japanese produce – how filling it is – both my boyfriend and – you will most certainly be spoilt, so “But you’re a student!” you cry. Well Sushi of Shiori on Drummond Street which does mean prices can rise or drop I have huge appetites, and we found our you’re in for a treat! Just go easy on the as London’s riddled with lovely eating and cooked at Mayfair’s Umu, is the sole slightly with the season. We recommend meal was deceptively sufficient despite PDA, as Hitomi herself quipped (with establishments begging to be explored; chef. Hitomi, his wife, hosts and serves the full tasting menu with 11 courses; the small-ish size of each course. They a cute Japanese shudder) – “how do I’m willing to let my foodie side win and patrons with the help of one other however there are more affordable usually offer seconds (“okawari”) of the people engage in full-on kissing while make a once-in-a-blue-moon exception assistant. Course after course came pared-down options available. rice course should you want it. eating sashimi? You’re here for the food, for special occasions. A going-away out, each looking and tasting exquisite, Price-wise, it’s no Wasabi; but that’s All in all, while The Shiori is one of surely!” -- Carol Ann Cheah, Food Editor 28 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected]

How to save a life Imperial Cinema

John Park Film Editor

Dallas Buyers Club

Director: Jean-Marc Vallée Don Jon & Anchorman 2 Writers: Craig Borten, Melisa Wallack Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as the Starring: Matthew McConaughey, titular character in his directional Jared Leto, Jennifer Garner debut Don Jon. Clearly modelled Runtime: 117 minutes on the perma-tanned buffoons of Certification: 15 tv shows like Jersey Shore, Don Jon aka Jon Martello lives a methodical existence consisting of pumping weights at the gym, preying on drunk girls in clubs and above else, Once you contract HIV, you’re forever watching copious amounts of porn. “married” to the condition, as Ron Instead of just being a #MEGALAD Woodroof (Matthew McConaughey) Jon’s addiction to porn starts to cause correctly points out. In Dallas Buyers more serious problems when he Club, set in the 1980s when HIV and begins seeing the beautiful Barbara AIDS were relatively unknown and Sugarman (Scarlett Johansson); discrimination against the condition rom-com male leads, transforms bril- servedly so. Together they make one it to the end. It’s incredibly heart- real intimacy with her just does not was high, Woodroof finds himself in- liantly to an actor of such strong, solid hell of a team: they don’t particularly wrenching, given the amount of qual- compare to cyber sex and Jon needs creasingly isolated and without help. versatility that the changes his por- like each other, the main reason being ity time that was spent with the nu- to reevaluate his life if he wants this Despite the promise of impending trayed character goes through in the Ron’s inability to have an open mind merous characters. to change. treatment, for those who have very running time of the film is an utmost (“you know what, you don’t deserve Adding another sympathetic pair of Everyone’s favourite mustachioed, little time left to live, waiting is not a privilege to witness. It’s not just his un- my money, you homophobic asshole” eyes into the picture is Jennifer Gar- misogynist news anchor Ron luxury they can comfortably afford. recognisable physical appearance that says Rayon in one of their earlier en- ner’s role as Dr Eve Saks, a physician Burgundy is back in Anchorman 2. When America’s healthcare fails to is worth commending, but his transi- counters), but it turns out the two are heavily involved in the care of HIV Due to his own shoddy performance provide for him, he takes matters into tion from a detestable abuser to help- an unlikely match made in heaven. patients. Her close friendship with on air, Ron loses his job to his wife his own hands, finding options else- less victim is a smooth one. His AIDS Together they share snarky banter Rayon as well as another shared with Veronica Corningstone and they where, something the Food and Drugs diagnosis spreads fear, judgement and (“would you stop staring at her tits Ron adds more perspective into the separate. Ron joins global news Administration (FDA) does not look prejudice amongst people he counted Rayon, you’re starting to look normal”, film’s narrative which works to add network (GNN) in a late-night slot upon kindly. on as friends, and it’s not long before “God sure was dressing the wrong even more touching drama to the plot. and decides that journalistic integrity News of actor Rock Hudson’s AIDS he’s left alone and abandoned to fend doll when he blessed you with a set of Dallas Buyers Club is a film that is not for him, sensationalism ftw! His diagnosis is enough for Woodroof to for himself. McConaughey is fearless, balls” to list some examples), and yes, knows when to play around with the new approach to reporting is a huge fire off a series of homophobic slurs. faultless and supremely confident believe it or not they become friends, material at hand but more importantly hit and earns him fame and glory but He’s a bull-riding, whiskey-drinking, with his trademark Southern swagger and the Buyers Club? Turns into when to let the inevitable dark reality will he be able to get his relationship women-loving, drug-taking, gam- in place, which makes the line “there something that’s more than just about to sink in. There are elements of both with Veronica back on track? As bling, hellraising 100% American male ain’t nothing out there can kill fucking turning a profit. feel-good and feel-bad films here, with endlessly quotable as its predecessor, cowboy who hates everything about Ron Woodroof in 30 days” sound ut- But none of these come without a a delicate balance struck between the Anchorman 2 is filled with hilarious, homosexuals with the q-word and f- terly convincing. price. With no cure, the AIDS starts two. The film never extends its focus nonsensical charm. Come along for a word being flung around as abusive His “drug-smuggling” operation taking its victims one by one, and it beyond the Dallas area, keeping its guaranteed good time! banter between his similar-minded starts from a doctor in Mexico who doesn’t take much guessing to predict story personal and intimate, which friends. So Ron isn’t the most like- was stripped of his license for un- that perhaps not everyone will make works thanks to McConaughey. Don Jon: Tuesday February 11th able protagonist to say the least, and known reasons. But he seems to know 18:30 and Thursday February 13th you begin to wonder whether he will what he’s talking about. With a clever 21:00 ever become a redeemable figure. But scheme of setting up a “Buyers Club” Anchorman 2: Tuesday February as it stands for the first half or so, Ron in which the membership-paying indi- 11th 20:30 and Thursday February is a closed-minded, selfish SOB who viduals are given non-FDA-approved 13th 18:30 makes no apologies for the way he is. drugs, (the legal loophole here being Which is why it makes the diagnosis that people are buying legal member- Each film is £3 for Members/£4 for even more difficult for him to accept. ships, not unapproved drugs) Ron Non-members Initially not thinking that dirty nee- charges a handsome amount for each dles or unprotected sexual intercourse member. But what originally starts out Buy membership here: www. can be causes of contracting HIV, he as a profit-making system turns into imperialcinema.co.uk immediately rejects the condition as a something more meaningful. So even gay thing, and upon being told that he now Woodroof has his selfish qualities Next week: Oldboy has no more than thirty days to live, intact, he’s really in it for the profits he walks out not quite understanding Finding himself a business part- the gravity of the situation. But he isn’t ner of sorts, Rayon (Jared Leto) is a silly enough to ignore the doctors en- cross-dressing HIV-positive transsex- tirely. The fact is he has been feeling ual whose sass and ability to bring in very sick lately, and given Matthew plenty of customers help Ron’s Dallas McConaughey’s astonishing weight Buyers Club grow. Leto and McCo- loss it would appear Ron has lost con- naughey are almost certainly going to siderable mass. be winning their Oscars this year, for And McConaughey, a long way away Best Supporting Actor and Best Lead from the days he played sleazy, cheesy Actor respectively, and very much de- FRIDAY 07 FEB 29

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FelixImperial FILM That awkward review

be mildly concerning from a gender- ing myself, am I. Am I?). This is very is a rom-com, but whatever – it’s so Jack Steadman domination-of-Hollywood perspec- much a script that tries really hard to by-the-numbers it’s painful (and also Treasured Writer tive. But, despite the inherent misgiv- put a smile on your face and ham up worthy of some “colour-by-numbers” ings there, it’s really not. It’s actually the ‘comedy’ aspect of ‘rom-coms’, but joke but I have a suspicious feeling I’ve kind of… fresh. So points for not being on the whole it only really succeeds in used that one before), and when it’s predictable, I guess. putting a mild smirk. not horribly contrived it’s just down- Unfortunately, That Awkward Mo- Despite this try-hard aspect, though, right dumb. And it commits the car- That Awkward ment can’t help but squander those there are certainly moments where a dinal sin of using a voice-over at the Moment points fairly quickly, as it turns out smile is irresistible, and it’s definitely start and then completely ignoring that despite taking a new approach cute enough without being schmaltzy, it for basically the entire film. Minus Director: Tom Gormican to rom-coms it still recycles the same which is nice, and the banter between points for that one. Writer: Tom Gormican old tropes, just from a different point the three main characters (Efron, Overall then, That Awkward Mo- Starring: Zac Efron, Michael B. of view. It’s still the same old ‘blah Teller and Jordan – who all have great ment shares a trait with Last Vegas Jordan, Miles Teller, Imogen Poots blah blah meant to be together oh no charisma and chemistry with each in that it has a semi-decent premise Runtime: 94 minutes I messed it up let’s try again anyway other, if nothing else) is genuinely fun- with a completely useless storyline Certification: 15 after I win you back in nauseatingly ny at times, including one stand-out which ultimately proves to be shored cute fashion’ and so on and so forth, scene towards the end. You can’t help up almost entirely by the charisma of but with added dick jokes. Too many but like the main characters – even if its main actors. The direction is never dick jokes, really, even if they are some at least one of them (Efron) is roughly less than acceptable, but never more of the funnier moments, a fact which 90% jerk – and the supporting cast than mediocre, and the soundtrack In a world where we really, really need probably speaks volumes about either give their roles the best shot they can. tries too hard to force your hands more films with strong female leads, the quality of the other jokes, or about The main problem comes from the emotionally, leaving a film that’s un- taking a film in what has predomi- my tastes in comedy – I’m going to storyline itself – Jordan’s character is derwhelmingly middle-of-the-road. nantly been viewed – for better or for go with the former, mostly thanks to going through a divorce, so all three Having said that, of course – chuck an worse – as a female genre and making the jokes being (on the whole) slightly guys make a pact to stay single for as extra couple of points on if you’re see- it about a trio of guys sounds like a weak (and partially because I’m not long as they can, which is obviously ing it as a date movie. It’s better with stupid idea, or at least one that should admitting faults here, I’m not review- less than 90 minutes seeing how this someone else. The birth of youth culture

monised by the press, with the actions ing trend in the filmmaking industry. Fred Fyles of the Bright Young Things causing a One only has to look at last year’s This Treasured Writer scandal in 1920s London; and finally Ain’t to see how insidious they were recognised as a market this spread has become; a so-called power, and aggressively targeted by documentary about the East German the giants of consumerism – a trend skating scene of the 1980s, following Teenage that continues to this day. its release it was revealed to be com- That is not to suggest that the film is prised mostly of staged footage, using Director: Matt Wolf all doom and gloom. On the whole it is actors. While Teenage doesn’t quite go Writers: Jon Savage, Matt Wolf uplifting, with Wolf repeatedly refer- this far, it treads a dangerous line be- Starring: Ben Whishaw (voice) ring to the idea that youth culture was tween fantasy and reality that doesn’t Runtime: 78 minutes ‘for the young, and led by the young’, do it any favours. Certification: 12A and the archive material we are pre- Teenage is a light, somewhat frothy sented is a real treat. Eschewing the piece, that forms an excellent coun- traditional single narrator favoured terpoint to Savage’s book, which of- The idea of the ‘Teenager’ – that by documentary makers, Wolf instead fers a much more tangible insight into glorious creature trapped between goes for a quartet of ‘teenage’ narra- the world of youth culture. The way childhood and adult life – is such an tors – one of whom is played by Ben the film is assembled resembles the immemorial concept in our cultural Whishaw – who describe what their incredible work of British filmmaker landscape, it is difficult to imagine a lives were like growing up in the UK, Adam Curtis, but Wolf has given it his time when they did not exist. But that USA, and Germany during the early own unique twist, injecting a shot of was not always the case. It used to be 20th Century. This difference, along dreamy haziness into the experimen- that the line between ‘child’ and ‘adult’ with clever editing from the pro- tal documentary genre. Adolescence was set in stone: you stayed at home duction team, gives the whole film a is supposed to be a wonderful, ex- until you were old enough to work in woozy, almost dream-like feel, which citing time, and while you could ac- the factories, or be sent down a mine, is accentuated by the use of mock-ar- cuse Wolf of romanticising the idea and you then entered the adult world. chival footage. of youth (personally, my adolescence Teenage, a patchwork of film, pic- While this faux-Super 8 footage was spent in a suburban boredom far tures, and mock Super-8 material by bour laws as his starting point, Wolf Bright Young Things, the Jitterbugs, gives the film a surreal quality, it removed from the exploits of Evelyn filmmaker Matt Wolf, explores how charts the journey of the adolescent even the Hitler Youth. Wolf also looks makes it difficult to tell which parts of Waugh’s peers), he is certainly not the this phase of social and psychological over the first four decades of the 20th at how the teenage demographic have the film are actually real, undermining first to do so. Both informative and development came about, forming an Century, ending with Elliot E. Co- been continuously exploited during the narrative structure. It also marks imaginative, Teenage is a thoroughly engaging and enlightening compan- hen’s publication of ‘A Teenage Bill of the last century. First they were mili- the short end of the wedge of retro- entertaining film, that draws interest- ion piece to writer Jon Savage’s tome Rights’ in the New York Times in 1945. tarised, joining the Boy Scouts and fetishisation, which began with the as- ing parallels between the past, the fu- ‘Teenage: The Creation of Youth’. Along the way we are introduced to being pushed into the trenches of the cent of ‘kooky’ Instagram filters, and ture, and – towards the end of the film Taking the introduction of child la- the landmarks of youth culture: the First World War; then they were de- now represents a worryingly grow- – the present. 30 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editor: John Park FILM [email protected] Director masterclass: Woody Allen

Blue Jasmine (2013) Peter Brook Blue Jasmine is Allen’s film from 2013 Treasured Writer and can only be defined as character film. Proof that he can let is own voice subside and allow another performer A brief preamble about this article: Al- to really become the heart of the film. len was accused of child molestation In this case that is Cate Blanchett back in 1992, was found not guilty, as the obnoxiously wealthy woman and refused visitation rights to his who lost it all after her husband who adopted children. This has come back cheated on her got caught for financial into the public conciseness after the crimes. Running out of money and re- Golden Globes when Dylan Farrow, liant on alcohol and pills, she is forced the alleged victim of the abuse, re- to move into her sister’s apartment leased a letter to bring her accusation Love and Death (1975) (wonderfully played by Sally Hawk- back to the public domain. The day I Allen had charmed audiences though Broadway-style comedy with heavy use of ins) which is small and dowdy. We see am writing this, Sunday 2nd Feburary slapstick and gags up until this early point in his career. Love and Death follows a woman who is on one hand an aw- 2014, Dylan Farrow has published an in that vein and it genuinely made me laugh so loud and for such a sustained fully entitled bitch, but on the other, account of the alleged abuse. I fin- amount of time that the residents of the flat next door complained (maybe more someone who is coming apart at the ished writing this article 4 days ago, a reflection on my oddly loud laugh than anything, but I hope you get the point). seams and really needs help. Though and hope that no one sees this as an Love and Death is a period Russian satire about the cowardly, pacifist, scholar at first it seems bold for Allen to make attempt to ‘cash in’ on the publicity. Boris being forced to go to war. When his brothers packed swords, he packed a film in someone else’s voice, there Whether the accusations are true or a butterfly net. This film also contains many jokes for those who are interested have been rumours that this is actu- not (we rely on the reasonable doubt in Russian literature and film, specifically Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy and Eisenstein. ally a caustic attack on Mia Farrow, his of the American Justice system) I think It’s watching films like this that make me realise what a dearth of comedy the ex-partner after their strange and very no one would argue that Allen has had film industry is undergoing at the moment. public relationship breakdown which a profound influence on cinema over included accusations of Allen’s sexual the last 40 years and has created some Annie Hall (1977) molestation of her children. This film joyous movies. That is what I wanted The opening monologue from Annie Hall is possibly one of the greatest open- suddenly doesn’t feel like a virtuous to write about when I wrote this piece. ings to a film in the 120 years of cinema. It is just Allen playing Alfie Singer choice to step back to allow a new talking against a light brown background about his philosophy on life and which voice in his films. is both terrible sad and brilliantly funny. He is both animated and a master of comic timing. He then starts talking about a break-up with Annie Hall and how he can’t get his head around it and the movie starts and we follow Allen, I mean Alvy (it doesn’t matter as they are basically the same person in this film) through the ins and outs of his relationship. Though maintaining the comic sentiments of his previous films he is trying to do something more now than simply make an audience laugh: he says he “had the courage to abandon ... just clowning around and the safety of complete broad comedy. I said to myself, ‘I think I will try and make some deeper film and not be as funny in the same way. And maybe there will be other values that will emerge, that will be interesting or nourishing for the audience.’” Finally it is important to mention the role Diane Keaton played in this film (for which she won an Academy Award for Best Actress); she plays Annie and is possibly the most believable girlfriend ever played on screen: human, affable and just charming.

Midnight in Paris (2011) Recently Allen has stopped appear- Woody Allen has managed to cre- ing in his own films and in Midnight ate a set of films that are defined by in Paris Owen Wilson plays Woody exclusively his voice. His constant Allen playing a writer. The film shows neuroticism, his jokes and his tragic a shaky relationship between Wilson hunt for love. In this article I thought and his fiancé and her very wealthy it would be interesting to see where and snooty parents on a trip to Paris. his style came from, so I have made a Wilson wanders off and finds himself list to compare 5 films from his Top transported back in time to the 1920s 10 Films (originally published in Sight where he meets all of his favourite and Sound) with some of my favour- authors including Hemingway and ite Allen films. He made the rounds Fitzgerald and some other famous po- on the stand up comedy set and I feel ets and artists of the time (including a this is where some of his immediacy wonderful cameo of Adrian Brody as comes from. However his knowledge Dalí). The story is really of a romance and clear love of cinema makes him between Paris and a man, and you re- one of the most interesting directors ally feel the excitement of his attempts around today and the fact that he has to go back in time. In some ways you been making at least a movie a year can see parts of the ignored craziness since 1982 makes him one of the most that may come from The Discreet prolific too. Charm of the Bourgeoisie. FRIDAY 07 FEB 31

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FelixImperial FILM Director masterclass: Woody Allen

The 400 Blows (François Truffaut, 5 of Woody Allen’s Top 10 Films 1959) The name comes from “faire les quatre cents coups”, a French idiom meaning to raise hell. It’s the French New Waves’ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Though the film starts with a sort lackadaisical nature the severity of the story starts to spiral. The boy who bunks off school is reprimanded for lying to his parents and teachers, but sees his mother having an affair, he chooses not to repeat this as he doesn’t believe anyone will believe him. Despite the ‘heavy’ direction of the film it is particularly light on its feet up until the last act and the final scene is both exciting and kind of sad. It sort of sums up everything the French New Wave stood for and it breathes and sighes beauty. Truffaut went on to create a couple of sequels following this boys life. However I enjoyed the 8½ (Federico Fellini, 1963) escapist ending as it was. This film is a dreamy masterwork about making movies. It follows a fa- mous director though the production of his newest film, only there is a prob- lem. He doesn’t know what it’s about yet. Despite this, his producer begins building massive sets which panics Guido the director and makes it hard- er for his creativity to flow. It is a study of how creativity is not something that can be conjured out of nowhere. Much like the surrealist Buñel piece, this combines dreams and real- ity in a way so as to confuse the two. I believe that cinema is the perfect medium to demonstrate the power of dreaming and the subliminal effects Rashomon (Akira Kurosawa, 1950) and tricks that it plays with your mind A story of the rape and murder of a can often leave finishing watching Samurai and his wife told from four The Discreet Charm of the Bour- a film to be akin to wake up after an different perspectives, the boasting geoisie (Luis Buñuel, 1972) intense dream, with the residual emo- criminal, the shamed wife, the ghost This is a surrealist caper by Luis Bu- tions left with as you begin to go back of the murdered Samurai (though a ñel. It is a film in French which follows about your day. medium of course) and an unbiased Citizen Kane (Orson Welles, 1941) the lives of a middle-class group who One thing I have to admit I found onlooker. Kurosawa, also famous for The bedrock of modern cinema and try to have a dinner together. How- about 8½ is that the middle act feels Seven Samurai among many others always in the top 10 films of all time ever, they are repeatedly interrupted quite long, but the payoff was one of creates each vivid story in such a be- lists. I think that this makes it a lit- or hampered from having their party sheer magnificence. It’s the final two lievable and compelling way that each tle hard to watch, knowing that you due to misunderstandings, invading monologues by Guido and his writer version of events could be a movie in should enjoy this film above all others, armies or dead restaurant managers. that are almost spoken straight to the its own right. and it obviously has merit. The sec- The film also takes place in the audience before a final dance and mu- It manages to dissect tabloid culture tion I enjoyed most however (bearing dreams of the main characters which sical number that says, “Hell, this is before it ever came to be in such an in mind I did actually enjoy this film) reveal their biggest fears from humili- just a movie!” insightful way that the ‘Rashomon Ef- was the song in the middle which re- ation to violent death. The dreams are fect’ is now a term used by scholars minded me of The Simpsons episode often played as tricks on the audience and critics to describe an event told that parodied the song “There is a and it often takes a while to tell wheth- from with multiple points of view. man, a certain whose face and certain er the absurdity of the situation is in The pervading concept can also be grace is known across this land…. His fact a dream or a strange situation. found in everything from a Spongebob name is Burns!” But again the phrase The oddity of this film really comes Squarepants episode to the film Crash “You buy a bag of peanuts in this town from the fact that when inexplicable (2004). and you get a song written about you!” things happen, the characters react I won’t give the ending away, and also gave me a chuckle. as if it is the most normal thing in the though the film has a lot to offer it Much like Rashomon it uses the world and I found perverse humour in wasn’t until the final sequence that I idea of searching for the truth behind that. Of all the films that Allen quoted understood how this film could rate so a story as the central tenant and this in his list it’s funny that one in French highly on Allen’s list. Within the final may be something that Woody Allen would have a voice so similar to his sequence we see absurdity, beautiful is looking for when he is deciding his own. camera moves and riveting tension. favourite films. 32 FRIDAY 07 FEB

Editors: John Park, Emily Fulham TELEVISION [email protected] The horror...the horror...horror has a face

John Park Television Editor American Horror Story: Asylum

American Horror Story is an anthol- ogy series that is without doubt the best thing that has come out of Ryan Murphy’s head. Eat Pray Love? An annoyingly self-centred, deluded trav- elogue starring Julia Roberts that in- duces vomit, but not in the amount of gigantic volumes that Glee induces in- stead with their weekly nauseating ep- isodes. Nip/Tuck was all right though, and even the recently cancelled The New Normal had some comedy po- tential. But right at this moment it’s all about American Horror Story, that’s already given us three seasons, with a fourth one commissioned and Mur- phy hinting that he’s got an amazing idea for season 5. Each season being a self-contained one helps bring out the originality of every “reboot” series, although AHS also prides itself in re- cycling a large portion of its talented cast members in different roles show- ing off their award-worthy versatility.

American Horror Story: Murder House Things get even more violent and un- to know and be connected to a lot of Tate, one of Ben’s patients, who starts comfortable with the second season the things that’s wrong with the house showing some interest in Violet, much Asylum. As its name suggests, the in question. Her daughter Addie to Dr Ben’s worry. And what’s with characters here revolve around a hos- (Jamie Brewer) who has Down’s Syn- the horribly disfigured Larry Harvey pital/prison for the criminally insane It all begins with Murder House, in drome is also in contact with the spirit (Denis O’Hare) stalking Dr Ben? He where madness and chaos reign. Start- which a family on the rocks moves world which adds more intrigue and wants to warn Ben about the house, ing with a sequence in which guest into a mansion that is bought at a ri- suspense with countless WTF mo- although his intentions, like most in- star Adam Levine’s arm gets ripped diculously cheap price, which there- ments involving this mother-daughter dividuals mentioned here so far, aren’t off, Asylum is poised to become the fore means it’s very haunted. Psychia- pairing. the clearest. best of the bunch and indeed it does. trist Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) The rich, blood-soaked history As can be expected, there is plenty Ruled by the sadistic Sister Jude was caught cheating on his wife Vivien which the house is drenched in is re- of violence, sex and shock factor; Brit- Martin (Jessica Lange, perfect as ever, (Connie Britton) and this new house vealed with every episode. We have ton enjoying a nice plate of freshly pre- here sporting a thick harsh Boston ac- marks a fresh start, not that the mar- an illegal abortion practitioner in the pared pig brain is no doubt one of the cent) who is a firm believer in punish- ried couple and their daughter Violet 1920s (Charles Montgomery) who season’s most unforgettable moments. ment in the form of electroconvulsive (Taissa “sister of Vera” Farmiga) are goes crazy and starts placing organs in The reason that AHS: Murder House therapy (ECT) as well as some good in for any of that; turns out the house jars after his pushy wife (Lily Rabe, ex- works so well is not solely dependent old-fashioned caning, the Briarcliff was a home for many twisted indi- cellent) basically drives him nuts with on how many creepy ideas that can Mental Institution looks like the last viduals and a fair share of serial killers her endless complaining and emascu- come out of the writers in each epi- place any sane person would like to back in the day, with their evil spirits lation, the Black Dahlia killing of 1947 sode, but in how they actually impact end up in. Which is why when report- wandering the corridors and stair- (Joshua Malina, killing Mena Suvari) these complicated characters’ stories. er Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson), hop- cases. Their housekeeper Moira (in a also happens here, nursing students Believe it or not, there is even a ing to expose the institution’s cruelty creepy double-act of Frances Conroy are murdered in 1968, a kinky gay surprising number of heart-tugging and mistreatment towards its inmates, and Alexandra Breckenridge), who the couple, the previous owners before scenes that mark the season’s best high enters and becomes trapped, we start family didn’t want in the first place but the Harmons, (Zachary Quinto and points. The relationship that eventual- worrying. was reluctantly accepted in as a part of Teddy Sears) with fidelity issues meet ly blossoms between the trouble Vio- Judged and hissed at by Jude for be- a package deal, seems to know more a horrendously gruesome end, and so let and Tate, who is equally disturbed, ing a lesbian, Lana is desperate not than she’s letting on, and she also has on. The decades of history call for a lot feels like a sweet, genuine romance, only for a story now, but now for her some deep-buried history with the of flashback sequences that are tightly Constance and Addie have their share freedom too. Here she befriends Kit neighbour, Constance (Jessica Lange). structured and wonderfully designed. of touching moments, and the fam- Walker (Evan Peters), another pa- Now this Constance is quite a char- Each fascinating guest spot is filled ily dynamic of the Harmons, mostly tient who seems to have been wrongly acter and is played so superbly and de- with talented actors who make their stemming from Ben and Vivien, is locked up. The staff here consists of liciously mysteriously by the Golden relatively shorter contributions count. the glue that keeps the show together. Monsignor Timothy Howard (Joseph Globe, SAG, Emmy-winning Lange. But what of the central characters? With pitch-perfect performances all- Fiennes), a well-meaning priest who She wanders in and out of the Har- They are all played to the highest of round, a fine balance between shock- nonetheless walks into the dark side, mon’s as though she owns the place, standards, with Britton standing out horror and well-paced storytelling, Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe), a na- lights a cigarette, says twisted things as a woman trying to hold it together the first season not only shows prom- ïve junior nun who has a bigger role like “don’t make me kill you again” to although she’s really starting to lose it, ise for the future, but also wraps up to to play as the season progresses, Dr poor old Moira and talks about how and Farmiga emerging as a breakout become an easily rewatchable, highly Oliver Thredson (Zachary Quinto), a her womb is cursed, plus she seems star, along with Evan Peters. Peters is entertaining stand-alone season. psychiatrist tasked with treating the FRIDAY 07 FEB 33

@feliximperial

FelixImperial TELEVISION The horror...the horror...horror has a face Is it Madison (Emma “niece of Julia” Roberts), the bitchy Hollywood ac- tress? Is it Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) the human voodoo doll who can inflict pain on others through self-harm? Is it Nan (welcome back Jamie Brewer) who has the speical gift of telepathy? How about Misty (Lily Rabe, her third appearance in the anthology), the swamp witch who can resurrect the dead, be it humans or animals? Is Myrtle (woohoo Frances Conroy is also back!), Fiona’s nemesis also in the Also problematic is the character running or is she too old for this? We of Madame Marie Delphine LaLurie also can’t ignore Cordelia (Sarah Paul- (Kathy Bates), a much-anticipated patients at Briarcliff, and mad scientist in all it’s a jam-packed season of mad son – YES!), Fiona’s daughter, either, supporting player who Murphy prom- Dr Arthur Arden (James Cromwell) goods. as she acts as a carer for all the young ised would be five times worse than who is up to no good whatsoever. Let’s not forget about the central witches looking for a home and pro- Bates’ character in Misery. Based on Once again, the performances here love story that also takes place. Kit tection at Miss Robichaux’s Academy the real-life socialite, LaLurie impris- are first-class. We welcome back many Walker, in his attempts to break free, for Exceptional Young Ladies. oned and tortured her black slaves in familiar faces, and those with expand- catches the attention of another pa- Besides the plot of everyone trying the early 1830s, something that is giv- ed roles compared to what they had in tient, Grace Bertrand (Lizzie Bro- to figure out who the next Supreme en some screen time here, contribut- Murder House in particular shine. Lily cheré), and together they attempt to is and Fiona trying to kill her in order ing to the “horror” aspect of the show. Rabe further proves her worth in the survive the wrath of Sister Jude, the to gain her fading powers back, the Sure Bates is a racist, sadist who liter- anthology as she goes through some conniving, twisted mind of Dr Arden witches’ coven also has other things ally puts blood on her hands to smear pretty drastic changes and embodies as they look for ways to get the hell to worry about. The unsteady alliance all over her face but once you get past them brilliantly and Zachary Quinto out of Briarcliff. What Peters and Bro- between witches and voodoo practi- the horrendous nature of this charac- takes charge of his sinister subplot cheré share here is different to Peters American Horror tioners led by Marie Laveau (Angela ter, you begin to wonder just how she with effective stares and a suitably and Farmiga portray in Murder House; Story: Coven Bassett) is starting to show its cracks, fits in to the overall story. In the end, creepy tone of voice. But it’s Sarah this time the characters are older, the and we’re also introduced to witch she doesn’t and she too, is tossed aside Paulson, who only appeared in a frus- stakes are higher, and the possibility of hunters who, as their name suggests, like something that never happened. tratingly limited capacity the year be- failure more evident. hunt down witches for a living with And why was Patti LuPone even fore, takes centre stage and becomes The design of the institution itself their silver bullets. given the guest-starring spot on the the feminist heroine to root for. The couldn’t be more depressing. It’s a All this begs for some slick sequenc- show? She and newcomer Alexander strength she displays throughout the damp, dark, metal-barred collection of es of action. “The only thing you have Dreymon play mother and son who season is extraordinary and boy is she holding cells, with dimly lit corridors to be afraid of is me” says Fiona after move in next door to the coven. After given a lot to deal with. But with all looked at from weird camera angles she throws the misbehaving young a brief hint of potential romance be- the difficulties she faces, she becomes (the anthology loves doing these, up- witches against the wall with her tel- tween the boy and one of the witches, more resourceful, independent and side down shots, side angles, blurred ekinetic powers. But what ensues is they too, are dispatched elsewhere, stronger than ever. shots etc). It’s an unpleasant place of disappointingly tame and the power- serving merely as an unwelcome dis- So what themes are waiting for its residence to say the least, but with ful witches with supposed powers are traction from the main plot that really audience in Asylum? Given that the every episode, it succeeds in drawing never given the chance to properly matters. place is run by strict Catholic beliefs, you in with its forever-evolving dark show them off. If you’re looking for a Things start to pick up eventually in ideas of God and Satan are keenly ex- subplots. Because when else do you massive showdown between a group the penultimate episode (there are 13 plored, everyone has dark demons to see the excellent Ian McShane play a of witches and everyone else out to get here – the middle part is the major let- battle, especially Jude, with a juicy past psychopathic serial killer dressed as them, you’re in the wrong place. In- down), when the action gets going and to address herself, the aftermath of the Santa Claus? ternal politics and bickering between the plot starts moving forward instead Second World War is featured, we get After a 13-episode stint you may witches take over and soon these pow- of meandering in pointless, inconse- zombies, aliens (oh yes), dodgy scien- well need some therapy of your own, erful women are in the midst of a dull, quential subjects no one ends up car- tific experiments, a musical scene (re- trying to get all the horrific images out Now the third season marks the big- never-ending catfight. ing about. ally), and a gramophone with the song of your head – which is what makes gest step down and disappointment Sure Marie Laveau raises some The wonderful performances are ‘Dominique’, a popular French song this season such a unique rollercoast- in the anthology. The set-up was bril- zombies from the dead and attack the still there, even the newcomers to the recorded by Jeanine Decker aka “The er ride of head-spinning ideas, full-on liant; the cast assembled? Perfection. coven, but that’s just over one episode. anthology Bassett and Bates, who will Singing Nun”, on endless repeat. That shock factor developments and most And this season had the best promo- The aforementioned witch hunters? reportedly be sticking around for fu- song alone will drive you insane. All of all, powerful performances. tional clips of the series thus far. A live They are dispatched by a character ture seasons, are a welcome addition snake being passed from one mouth who is not even a witch which adds to to the cast, with Lange prepared to to another? Yes please. A human stuck the long list of how badly a lot of the leave after season 4. But please, let’s with dozens of voodoo needles? Score! plot points are handled and quickly mark Coven as just a one-off mishap Floating witches? Come at me. But the written off throughout the season. that will never ever happen again. 13-episode arc felt over-stuffed in the end, as Coven lacked consistency, fun and well-drawn characters. It starts off promisingly enough. Fio- na Goode (Jessica Lange, all dressed up in black) is a powerful witch, the reigning Supreme of witches who is rapidly nearing death thanks to her cancer diagnosis. And so begins the season-long search for the next Su- preme. Is it Zoe (welcomes back Tais- sa Farmiga) who has the unfortunate power to kill with sexual intercourse? 34 FRIDAY 07 FEB Editor: Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Awara TECHNOLOGY technology.felix@imperial. ac.uk Return to paper? Maximilian Eggl’s first thoughts on Facebook’s new app

es, Facebook, has Facebook, and general news around format is replicated throughout etc. Furthermore the Facebook turned 10. Ten years the Internet. the entire app, e.g. Headlines, profiles just look really great. this giant has been The quote I first read when I News etc. All in all everything This app was billed as the death of sucking out our souls, read about Paper was “This would looks really futuristic and smooth. the old Facebook app and looking at it killing our times and be Facebook if it had been first In terms of actual Facebook use, I can understand why the bloggers of generallyY trying to inject itself into created in 2014”. I cannot agree it tends to everything quite well. the Internet predict this. However for every aspect of our lives. Now they more. Doing away with the blue and Messages and notifications are now I just believe it is too different, have introduced their next strategy somewhat out-dated style of the almost the same (although the feels like it is lacking to many features in their multi-pronged attack to make website and application, it replaces double notification of both the to be a real killer. It does show that themselves virtually indispensible, everything with individuals little normal Facebook app and then paper Facebook is ready to change things a reader app named paper. Almost stories on the bottom with one did annoy me to the point that I did up and stay current, also it is a good identical to Flipboard, it aims to randomly selected story filling up have to turn it off). You can post alternative when you are too tired deliver a new experience to browsing the background. Furthermore this statuses, like and comment things of seeing blue all the time though. Tired of all those Wires? Yong Wen Chua gives you some tips to avoid those pesky things

I hate wires. Every time I look at glass. The power cable gets the cut to listen to music on the go. Your the HDMI. Wireless bandwidth most of the time. As I mentioned, the back of my PC and I see the first via wireless charging. With a wireless solution to this would be is just not fast enough for this yet. you still need wires for some bunch of wires, my OCD kicks in. wireless charging device, you will bluetooth headsets. The price range I can pretty much live without things, but the list is diminishing Luckily, I can usually sit at my desk no longer have to plug your phone is vast, and essentially, you get what connecting my phone to any wire as wireless bandwidth improves. and pretend the wires are not there. to charge it. It’s as convenient as you pay for. If you are an audiophile, Not for the mobile phone. When placing your phone on the charging the Logitech UE 9000 is probably the you need to charge it, transfer data, device, usually in the form of a mat. best you can get at a hefty £300. If or listen to music, you have to There are two main standards for you are willing to take the plunge, I The News Bubble pluck some bloody cables into it. At wireless charging: Qi (pronounced strongly recommend it. Otherwise, General news from around the tech world, so you can keep up to date least, you used to. I have managed chee) and Powermat. Many high if you are unwilling to spend, with the newest, wierdest and most futuristic things around to transition to using my mobile end phones such as the Nexus 5 but still want your audio quality, phone without needing any wires and some Nokia Lumia phones stick to your current earphones. at all, and here’s how you could do support wireless charging directly. One of the least used feature, Facebook turns 10 the same. (Caveat: doesn’t work on Others require some kind of an add- albeit equally important, is the all phones; I am using a Nexus 5.) on to allow for wireless charging. ability to transfer data to and from Facebook has turned 10. However instead of celebrating any sort of Power is essential to the phone. Unless you are one of those your phone. These can include files, achievemnt, the internet is awash with studies and blogs that seem Without juice, your phone might as annoying people who likes to or even stuff like contacts. Android to purport the end of the mighty social media site. However the tech well be a formidable piece of brick broadcast your music taste for the phones fare the best in this category, team at Felix do believe that, while facebook has lost a lot of its “cool” designed to kill someone and then scrutiny of the others on public arguably. Once you connect your factor, the end of FB is still a long way off. By the way, if you want to commit seppuku afterwards by transport, you would probably be phone to the mobile data network, see something quite nifty, have a look at Facebook.com/lookback. shattering into a million pieces of using some earphones or headphones or a WiFi network and sign in to your Google account, your contact details will automatically get synchronised New Microsoft CEO to your phone. iOS users have iCloud and Windows Phone users will have After a month of speculation the new CEO of one of the biggest tech Microsoft’s services. To transfer files, companies at the moment has been revealed. Satya Nadella, who you can use cloud storage services was previously in charge of the cloud computing division of MS, will like Dropbox, OneDrive (formely now take the helm, at what is seen as a crucial time for the company. known as SkyDrive) or Google Furthermore Bill Gates, the founder of MS, has stepped down as Drive. Android users have the chairman instead taking the role of “technival advisor”, perhaps option of using apps like AirDroid signifying a more hands-on approach to steering his company. to transfer files on an ad-hoc basis. There are, however, some things that still need wires. They are however, arguably specialised. Maximilian Eggl For example, if you want to use Yong Wen Chua your phone as a remote control Osama Awara for your DSLR camera, you still Technology Editors need the USB on the go (OTG) cable. If you want to connect your phone to the TV, you still need FRIDAY 07 FEB 35

@feliximperial FelixImperial GAMES DayZ Stories QuizUp: Upping the game Max Eggl on the sensation storming the nation

his is not the kind game that answer 7 multiple choice questions in subject you level up in. our section would usually a game, attempting to answer as fast Considering that each game lasts review. In fact, when I told as possible. maximum a minute, and you almost Maximilian Eggl my fellow games editor The longer it takes for you to answer immediately know if you are going Games Editor Calum what I was planning the less points you get for the answer. to win it is a great way to kill a few Tto write about, he retorted in disgust However the twist is that you play can minutes if you are waiting. “that’s not a proper game!” However, real-time versus others on the Internet, So why do I think that you should get The DayZ standalone has been I believe that mobile gaming is here challenging for title of greatest know- this app? Well its free (you can pay for released, and given the amazing to stay, which means that we should it-all across the globe. Furthermore if experience boosts if you really want stories that occur in that game, I start considering them. Also, the you link your Facebook account to the to), it’s a great way to learn random decided to make a kind of series addictiveness of QuizUp could not be game you can play your friends! This facts that you may never encounter at out it! So here it goes: discounted. competitive element does add a lot to Imperial (like the only beer that Ernest So for all of those of you who do me wanting to play. Hemmingway endorsed in his life), not know what this game is, let me Another element that adds to the and it’s a great ice-breaker (I mean, if Episode 2: quickly give you the low down on this compulsive nature of the game is you are too awkward to actually ask super app. It’s a free game created by the levelling and experience that someone out, you could always ask Anna’s Hunger Plan Vanilla Corp which is currently accompany each result after a round them on a subject that implies what only on iOS. Basically a trivia quiz, it of the quiz. Not only can you show off you want). Come all you quizmasters I woke up to find myself cold and encompasses more than 350 topics for your supremeness of your brain, but out there, time to answer ALL the thirsty on beach in Chernarus. All you to show off your knowledge. You you can also gain titles related to the questions! I had on me was the clothes I was wearing and a flashlight. Time to survive the Zombie apocalypse. I had no clue at all where I was, all I knew was that my stomach was grumbling, my throat was parched and without any sort of nourishment I would not survive till the next day. Medic Training Simulator I pushed myself up from the grass I was sitting on, and gazed at my surroundings. In the distance I saw an industrial complex, and although I had not much hope that I would Transplanting the fun back into simulator games find anything of use there, I made my way over there. time lord by inserting two hearts into you can drug yourself, electrocute parts out the back of the ambulance However as I approached, I saw an Calum Skene your patient. yourself, have a precision cutting laser which makes you creative as you try axe-wielding man trying to kill an Games Editor The surgeries (transplants) normally fly around the room as you forget to to perform the surgery having lost empty handed guy facing off. Since take the same steps to complete. First put it back in its container but the the “correct” tools. Another special I was weak I decide to sit this one There are a ton of simulator games you must remove as much as you satisfaction of removing parts of a mode worth mentioning is the uber out. This was a prudent choice, as out there. For people who want to try possibly can, including the required patient and successfully performing a heart transplant surgery which sees it seemed that the axe-wielder was their hand at Farming, driving a bus, organ that you are transplanting. transplant makes up for this. you as a medic from Team Fortress 2 not very friendly and consequently or mining a stone quarry there are Sometimes this is easy; remove the Surgeon simulator gives you a rating performing a heart transplant on one bashed the other guys face. As I simulator games out there for you! ribs with a hammer, the intestines at the end of each mission which of your fallen team mates. This mode waited for axe-man to loot the These games portray all the elements a hacksaw, etc. Often times it is not provides replay value and has different however gives you team fortress 2 body and clear out, I hoped that you need to master to be successful in as easy as it sounds as you have to modes of surgery. Once you’ve items such as the engineers wrench to there would still be something for these games, often sacrificing fun in carefully cut certain connecting completed the 3 basic surgeries (heart, perform the surgery which makes for me to find once the body had been their quest to be 100% accurate. This arteries before you are able to rip kidney and brain transplants) you can a very messy time. My patient died in stripped clean. I waited about for week, Felix games tried out a simulator out the organs and this coupled with repeat them again from the back of an this mode because they were slowly about 20 minutes, my stomach game that defies the convention the awkward controls makes the ambulance. Ambulance mode is much bleeding out after I’d removed the occasionally growling. It felt like and does the exact opposite of this. game hard. This is where the humour harder as the driver seems to go very heart and I failed to find the new one. the longest wait of my life Then Surgeon simulator definitely includes saves the game. Sometimes you are fast over every speed bump they can Overall Surgeon Simulator is an when I felt like it was safe time to more fun than accuracy and is one frustrated after “accidently” killing the find sending tools and parts of the entertaining game that does not take come out, I did. At this point I was of the most hilarious games I’ve ever patient but you are laughing too much patient flying (to be fair this is how I itself too seriously. It looks good aware, that if I didn’t find anything played. to care. The game teaches you that would drive in an ambulance driver visually, provides a unique game to eat or drink, I would die. I was Surgeon simulator, unlike every so much can go wrong with surgery, simulator game). You can even loose experience and offers much for its feeling weak, and falling in and out other simulator game, has very simple price of £6.99. It’s a game that can be of consciousness. I crawled towards controls. You can orient and move enjoyed by all. Completionists can the body, praying for mercy. As I one hand in space with the mouse look forward to finding all the games opened up his backpack my eyes fell and move each finger in and out with secrets and unlocking the games upon the two most beautiful things a different button. The first challenge achievements, the hardcore among I had ever seen. A bag of rice and a of the game is to select a mission. You you can speed run the game or you half-full water bottle nestled sweetly start off in a surgery office and must can just enjoy doing the occasional inside. I ate half the bag, and drank immediately move your hand around surgery now and then. Personally I the entire bottle of water. The world to select a surgery from the clip pad. like to play this game with a cup of tea around me looked so much brighter. Everything in the game is interactive while in my pyjamas which is maybe Now I had a chance at surviving. and this provides added fun through why I’m not very good at it. This Time to go, I strapped the dead the often funnily named achievements game won’t teach you to be a surgeon man’s backpack on and strode in to that pop up. For example you get an but it will provide you with hours of the sunset. achievement for making the rock entertainment and is definitely worth horns with your hands, or creating a picking up. 36 FRIDAY 07 FEB

CATNIP [email protected] Ask Annie, your friendly Agony Aunt

gony Aunt Annie Help! I’ve been sleeping with my friend, Help! I recently broke up with my Whiteley is the and it’s been working as an excellent boyfriend of five years, and we’ve been Annie’s advice that woman who method of stress release for months. But trying to stay friends, but he keeps fought for women’s with all the pre-Valentine’s excitement telling me about other girls that he’s Imperial sorely needs cloakroom facilities going around at the moment, I’ve seeing now. I don’t want to know, but atA Imperial, and thus is qualified started to think about him differently, I I don’t know how to make him stop Why you shouldn’t shit where to solve all your problems. think I want more. How can I convince without making it look like I’m jealous. you eat (Just leave it, yeah?) him to give it a go? Any advice? Nervous in Knightsbridge Heartbroken in Hampstead 1. It will come back to bite you When friends end up sleeping together He sounds like he’s over exaggerating There are many consequences to getting a bit inappropriate on the reg, the heady combination of his romantic and sexual conquests to with someone in your tutorial group, seminar, or kitchen in friendship and oxytocin is quite likely you in order to gain a reaction. This halls. These consequences range from the sweet (you may to make often-unwanted feelings could be because he’s desperate to What end up with an overly-clingy admirer that you just can’t form. When developed in this way, make you think that he’s over it, either important shake) to the sinister (that person who you decided was no this affects different people at different because he hasn’t moved on yet, or advice longer worth being with might channel their jealousy into rates, which makes it unlikely that because he thinks that you haven’t. It’s making your life a misery). Of course, these are things that these feelings will be reciprocated. okay to not want to know, he’s been a should can happen in any situation, but the intensity of emotion is Although you’ll lose your convenient huge part of your life, and it’s natural Annie amplified by the frequency of the interaction. stress release, you shouldn’t sleep that your feelings would still be raw. dish out with him if you’re not sure that you’re Just explain to him that while you are 2. Everyone will know on the same page, as it’ll just end up friends now, you still have to have next When you become involved with someone you work with, Help! I’m addicted to Tinder! I can’t messy for everyone. boundaries in what you can discuss week? or spend a lot of time with, you sacrifice the intimacy stop mentally swiping left and right to while you adapt to life without each Email and confidentiality usually encoded in a relationship, be everyone that I pass on the street, I’ve other. it sexual or romantic. Details of your relationship will be used up all my mobile data, and my Help! My housemate has just confessed any ideas open for public discussion, and you have to be prepared to phone battery is always critically low. to having feelings for me, and now it’s Help! I went out with a guy, and we had to the bear this consequence. I want to break this habit but I don’t really awkward. Should I give it a go, a great time (ifyouknowhatimean). address know how, what do I do? or is a housemate too risky? Now he’s asked me out again, but he’s 3. It changes things Judgemental on the Jubilee Line Apprehensive in Angel more keen than I am, and I don’t know below! Assume that it works out well (at least for a while). You whether I’d be leading him on if I go out will be sorely mistaken if you think that this isn’t going If you have Tinder, you’ll have Getting together with a housemate with him again, what should I do? to change the way that you do things together, and not noticed that everyone is on Tinder. is very risky. If it works out and you Leading on in Leicester Square necessarily for the better. If you work together, you might The mental judgement of people is end up together, you’re immediately make biased decisions towards each other’s idea. If you live therefore validated, but the personal thrown into the very serious situation If you enjoyed seeing him last time, together, you might be more inclined to gang up on others inconvenience is problematic. Try and of living together straight away, which and you obviously did, you’ll probably you live with, even if it’s just over doing the washing up. wean yourself off constant use, limit is very intense. If it doesn’t work out, have fun again. Yes, he might be This isn’t fair on the other people involved, and might be yourself to only checking at certain you’ll end up being jealous every time more keen than you, but it is only a something you live to regret in the long run. times of the day. If you’re particularly they mention a romantic interest, or second date, you’re not committing to worried about what will happen if you’ll never quite bounce back from anything. You should give it another 4. It never ends well you don’t immediately respond to the awkwardness. If it’s meant to be, go, and if you’re still not sure if you There’s no scenario in which it’s going to be easy to end your messages, you’ve got far bigger it’ll happen once you no longer live like him enough afterwards, you can a relationship with someone you will continue to see problems than an app addiction. together, so I’d leave it alone for now. always let him down gently afterwards. regularly. Whether you end on good terms or you fall out horribly, the situation will be tense and unpleasant at Send Annie your problems and suggestions at [email protected] first, and not just for you, for everyone around you as well. Everyone you both interact with is inevitably a part of your relationship, and will pick up on the vibe that the two of you are emitting, and that’s never fun. Annie’s Lonely Hearts

Feeling lonely? The impending Valentine’s Day getting you down? We all know that it’s hard to meet people at Imperial, so Aunt Annie wants to make it a bit easier for you. If you’re looking for a special someone, missed a connection, or want to let someone know how you feel, send a message to [email protected] and maybe you’ll find a match here.

elix fanatic looking for oud but sometimes shy ostgraduate biology badass hD student seeks mature ou serve me in the bar like-minded lover to spend female WLTM male with looking for a pot of gold at undergrad for cradle- all the time. You’re Wednesday afternoons in floppy fringe and grade 8 the end of the rainbow of snatching activities. Enjoys always wearing a black the west basement together. guitar skills to help strum love. WLTM Irish media JCR food, slacking off, and shirt and jeans. You WLTM writer with GSOH, her strings. Male must be mogul to make films, spending too much time always seem to serve Fpreferably who edits Hangman but Lflawlessly moody but also seductively Ppodcasts and maybe more with ;). Pin Metric. If you want someone with meY quicker than anyone else, and you could edit science, news or sport sassy, and up for spending hours Must have GSOH, booming laugh and a bit more Imperial experience, any always remember that my drink is a (just not fashion or travel). Message musing over life in shadowy rooms, competency using Windows Movie ages considered, because you’re only Snakebite. How about tonight, you let me and we can arrange a journalistic or debating who was the worst Beatle Maker 2012. I can Shamrock your as young as (the person) you feel! me serve you… rendez-vous, and I reckon we may just (obviously Harrison). world if you let me. hit all the deadlines.

See something you like? Send us an email and we’ll pass it on. Let Annie help you get lucky in love. FRIDAY 17 JAN 37

Puzzles Commanders: Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price PUZZLES [email protected]

Sudoku FUCWIT League Crossword Clues Each row, column, and 3 x 3 box must contain all the numbers from 1 to 9. That’s all. Enjoy... nickwp 51.5 Helix 8 Across Jia Choo 49 Gabriel Quek 7 Harder: Adam Stewart 18.5 Emma and Ben 6 1. Achilles’ “team” (9) Yufan Zhao 17 WJ 4 7. Paintings by a murderer (11) Juliette Chupin 8.5 Angus Liu 1 10. An arrogant rebel (7) 11. Locale of famous rock churches (8) Crossword 13. Father of modern fantasy (7) 15. Alpine lake in Nevada (5) 16. Aka Hayastan (7) 17. Muddy color (5) 20. A loss of electrons (9) 22. Scientist known for his celibacy (5) 23. Comfort can often be found at the bottom of it (6) 24. Easy to anger (5) 26. Norwegian violinist of recent re- pute (5) 29. Indian minister recently in the news (7) 30. Assorted (6) 32. Pals (5) 36. Your multi-million-year-old ances- tors (16) 39. Artist’s primer (5) 40. Think in pig Latin (7)

Down

1. Pilgrimage site for men only (5,5) Killer: 2. One of the emirates (3,2,7) No clues! Instead, the numbers in each cage must add up to the 3. The cuisine of masgouf (5) number in the top left. Numbers cannot be repeated in a cage. Tips: 4. Showy (12) The numbers in each box, row and column must add up to 45. Look for Nonogram 5. Troy re-discoverer (10) cages with only one possible combination e.g. a two wide cage total The lengths of runs of shaded squares in each row and 6. Foolish (7) 3 must contain 1 and 2 . each column are given. Squares can only be shaded or 8. “Doom and Gloom” band (7,6) unshaded. Solve the puzzle to unveil a pretty picture. 9. Poisonous lizard indigenous to America (4,7) 12. Fake, comic Kazakh journalist (5) 14. Guides (6) 21. Japanese sun goddess (9) 25. Tooth decay contributor (6) 27. Japan’s Iron Age (5,3) 28. The Sunflower State (6) 31. Inform (6) 33. Remnant in Pandora’s Box (4) 34. Computers, Steve Jobs’ style (4) 35. Pillager of Rome (4) 37. Common acronym response after hearing something disgustingly personal (3) 38. Capital of Bashkortostan (3) Congrats to nickwp for being the first

Last Week’s Solutions Milder Sudoku Guess the Stop to 50 FUCWIT

The British rail network runs far points! Keep and wide. The name of a line is scrambled in the following those solutions anagram, and the name of a stop on that line, with the given number coming in!!! of letters is encoded by the sum of the letters, where A=1, B=2... Z=26, =0. Find the line and stop. Note that London Underground lines may also be possible answers. Last Week: Anagram: Bakerloo Anagram: Stop: Paddington ie nine last coats ma Stop: 9 letters, Sum: 99 38 FRIDAY 07 FEB

HANGMAN [email protected]

This Week In The Past TUBE-DITORIAL brave enough to stand up and say what everyone was thinking, namely that everyone in London who takes The Historian The Hangman any form of transport - bus, taxi, Hangman Contributor Hangman Editor rickshaw or tube - is, most probably, a bit of a shit. These fat, fucking idiots can’t even ollowing the outrage Therefore, it seems only logical that figure out what to do with themselves 1985 - The Mayor of Rome and the this week at the London pissing-off these bastards off should when their train isn’t announced Picture Mayor of Tunis meet to official end Underground strike, this be any decent Londoner’s number one Credit: Getty images the 3rd Punic War after 2,131 years. editor believes that all priority. Unfortunately it lasts only 3 minutes transport workers, private So, keep the bus doors closed, leave Fand public, should go on strike next In fact, when you combine this with your taxi in your garage and take ride when the Mayor and Rome rejects the Mayor of Tunis’ high five. week. that recent news that around 50% of your-one person bike. Because we adult Londoners are obese, it seems need to teach these slobbering, burger- This writer has to agree with the only logical to make these fat tossers obsessed, ungrateful Londoners a motives of the tube strikers, who were walk to their desired destination. lesson. 1971 - In an event everyone agrees is “sooo 1969” astronauts land on the moon again. Yawn. Hangman Felix In The Past - we were going ”Angry at the Tube Ungraciously to run a reminder of how foolish the 2011-12 strike? Email editor was to include a Valentine’s Day rohypnol 1958 - In a careless move, the US hangman. Declines recipe. However our cowardly editor wouldn’t felix@imperial. Air Force loses a hydrogen bomb off risk his arse to condemn the trivialisation of Georgia -fucking idiots. ac.uk and Proposition receive a rape, shame on him. (If you’re a fresher, ask a personalised hall senior for the juicy deets). angry Hangman 1947 - The lowest recordedresponse!” Hangman Editor temperature in North America is made in the Yukon, making you doubt In a controversial decision this week, why you bothered reading this far in the Felix Section Hangman rudely the first place. declined an enthusiastic lonely hearts column aimed at its editor.

Whilst many would simply have 1637 - Collapse of Tulip Mania in the ignored an undesired proposition, Netherlands. However, this editor Hangman has decided cruelly take it feels sure their warehouse of bulbs will apart in an arrogant, self-referential skyrocketing in value any day now. column.

The proposition, a ludicrous attempt to snag a handsome, charming and 1238 - As per their M.O., the Mongols witty section editor, was roundly burn shit in Europe. mocked for its naive ethuasiasm and hopeful desperation.

“Are you sad All the blame, however cannot and alone this be placed on the author of the ad. week? Email Hangman feels the need to state that hangman. the idea of a lonely hearts column is felix@imperial. “both sad and frantic” attempt by the ac.uk!” Features section to gain a few extra readers.

A spokesperson for Hangman added “we do not negotiate with trollers”. New Distance-Course To Have Most Contact Hours

School stated “as well as their Timothy McSweeny mandatory iPad, new students on the Hangman Contributor long distance course will also have The Mongols performing standard Mongol tactics - kill, burn, rape, enslave, repeat. Pretty easy life to be honest. their tutors flown out to wherever ollowing the announcement they are in the world”. of plans to create a long- distance MBA programme “we will, of course, also send out The iPads will provide a 24/7 live at the Imperial Business Imperial’s best Marquee providers to stream of the student’s personal tutor. School, Hangman can build a Marquee around the student”. Fconfirm that the course will contain “That way, they will get the full the new students. far more contact hours and face- Imperial experience”. However, the Business School to-face tutorials than any current confirmed that the students would, at Imperial course. It is unclear as yet if Imperial will be least, have personalised adverts from sending representatives of Ernst and all the major companies that form the A spokesperson for the Business Young or Deutsche Bank directly to Imperial Careers Fairs. FRIDAY 07 FEB 39

@feliximperial

FelixImperial HANGMAN

Swansea City the turnip Long-Suffering Horse To Reduce Hangman’s Finest College News Source Swears Never To Sink Success So Low Again Sack Good Manager All London Shop-Fronts To Become Upmarket Burger Joints

Burger Becomes Sole Food-Stuff Laudrup letting down the club and the fans by winning too quickly. Credit: ayor of London, Walesonline Boris Johnson, has confirmed ollowing the sacking of this week that all Michael Laudrup as Swansea London shop- manager this week, the club Mfronts are to become up have clarified the reasons for market burger joints by 2017. F his departure. These two separate Hache’s are the A spokesman for the Mayor’s office Stating that the club was “over- beginnings of the plan to change the stated “In recent years there has been a entirety of the Kings Road to Hache running the future plans for success”, sharp decline in High-street shopping Road. Photo Credit: Fluid London a spokesperson for Swansea City - mainly due to online retailers” football explained why the sacked a business-model for central London” cup-winning manager. “we have also noticed a “I mean don’t forget, soon the only sharp rise in American-style people left in London will be the “we felt that, due to the current rate of burger joints across the city” kind rich dicks who can afford to success, we would be unable to parcel regularly spend £10 on a burger” out the successes in a way forseen by “As such, our only logical step was our future panning committee” w to turn all current shop-fronts into The proposal received bipartisan “Essentially, winning a cup burger joints as soon as possible” support from all London councils competition in his first season in and will be immediately instituted. charge was not in the five year plan we “I mean just look at the numbers, outlined for Laudrup and thus he had it’s obvious that setting up a wanky, The mayor himself added “Jolly good job to go” expensive burger joint is the only viable too, I do love a good anti-povo burger” CANCE GEMINI TA V A URU I R G R L E O IES O R S

Because of the tube strike This week you attempt to This week, in a pathetic attempt This week you decide to do This week you download This week, you start dating this week you decide to walk best the weather and make to improve your nonexistent something productive and Flappy Bird and play so well Mick Jaggers’ ex-wife. Finally, in. However, you wake-up a dash for uni without an love life, you send an ad into fill out the Felix Sex Survey. you decide to continuously rub you’ve hit the big time and can morning-of to find you have umbrella. Angered by your the Felix lonely hearts. Upon However, after filling it out your flatmate’s face in it. You quit your boring job at as a no limbs. Panicking, you try defiance the weather-gods opening the paper you see the honestly and admitting you fail to realise the repercussions geneticist a low life university. jump out of bed but succeed send a large gust of wind to perfect ad and send a reply had never even seen a the full force of which you only Before you can do that, only in rolling your blob- sweep you into the Thames straight away only to realise woman at Imperial, the survey realise when you stick in your however, your brutish Biology like torso onto the bedroom and downstream to a place you had, in fact, picked out marks you as a troll and you disgusting ear plugs before undergrads, in frustration at floor. The hall cleaners fail worse than hell - Southend- your own ad like the narcissistic are forever banned from all bed and die like the dick you their own stupidity, beat you to to notice your presence and on-Sea dickhead you are. Imperial networks. are. death with a zebrafish. you spend the rest of your life CA AQ

inside a hoover-bag. SAGITTA SC PR IC U P ORP A ISCES L IB N OR R I R R U I I U O A S S

This week you get nominated This week, your failed attempts This week you get annoyed Mistakenly believing the 14th Fed up of another Friday night This week you download for a Neknomination. As you to seduce the Hangman section that people aren’t uploading of February to be April Fools spent at home you decide to Flappy Bird and can’t consider yourself “one of mean you reconsider your anti- data for coursework write-ups day you dress up as fish and seize the initiative and take the get through the first gate. the lads” you down 2 litres Travel opinions and fly out to quickly enough. Unable to find attempt to scare passers-by. bus into the buzzing hub of Meanwhile your flatmate sets of Sainsbury’s Basics Gin Mexico to pursue potential soul- out their names , you go on an By coincidence, a guy with a Soho. Upon arrival, you stumble a ridiculously high score. In in your mankini. Your violent mates. Upon arrival, you realise indiscriminate murderous ram- fish fetish asks you to dinner across all your friends and class revenge you poison his ear vomiting dislodges your that no amount of Caribbean page through the university. at FiveSixEight’s Valentine’s mates in an up-and-coming plugs, steal his phone and skimpy attire reveling all. love can replace your one true Eventually, you are kicked out evening. Little that he knows bar. As you’re a fresher, you fail claim the score as yours. However, since no one has love - the Hangman section. of uni on sexism grounds when that fishy smell isn’t part of the to realise the social implications Finally, a win. a magnifying glass on them, You find a cave and live out your iPod shuffles through to costume. All’s well that ends and join them anyway, ruining no one noticed. your days as a hermit. Blurred Lines. well, eh? everyone’s night “Keep the SPORT Cat Free” Editor: Kunal Wagle [email protected] 07/02/14 Issue 1567 Download the Felix iOS app today! felixonline.co.uk Premier League Predictions Imperial 1st XI ruthlessly slay James White gives his midweek predictions

Liverpool v Arsenal gimme for David Moyes – the hapless St Georges 1st XI 8-3 (BT Sport 1, Saturday 12:45pm) Cottagers will be easy pickings for van Persie and Rooney. Brendan Rodgers will have been dis- 3-0 appointed to drop points to West Brom and Aston Villa recently and Aston Villa v West Ham it is only because sides below have slipped up that the Reds are still in Last weekend’s victory over Swansea the driving seat for fourth place. The was bittersweet for Sam Allardyce; Gunners show no signs of relinquish- star striker Andy Carroll’s red card ing their clutch on top spot, although again leaves the Hammers short up they have a horrible spell of fixtures front. Villa halted their home hoodoo to contend with now and you wonder versus West Brom and with Christian if Arsene Wenger has the strength in Benteke back on song they ought to depth to cope. The pressure will be have enough. well and truly on both sides to win this 2-1 and because of that I expect a cagey game. However, Arsenal tend to fall Chelsea v Newcastle short against direct rivals and, since the Reds were stunning versus Ever- Jose Mourinho again demonstrated ton last time out at Anfield, I will tip his managerial prowess at Manches- IC FOOTBALL them to edge it ter City on Monday and the Blues 1-0 certainly look to have the bit between Peter Nugent up and the flood gates were well and size the BBU went down quicker than their teeth now. As last weekend’s IC Football truly open, Dale went on a mazing a horny lesbian; his dive was poorly Tottenham v Everton Tyne-Wear derby showed, the Mag- run penetrating deeper and deeper executed, with a lack of imagination (Sky Sports 1, Sunday 1:30pm) pies have precious little to play for. in to the opposition half until he shot and disgracefully poor entry in to the 2-0 aturday 25th January: a thunderous effort at the crossbar pool scored him an abysmal 3.5. IC Tim Sherwood’s honeymoon period the magic of the FA Cup which cannoned down on to the goal 1s’ thoughts were clearly elsewhere, as seems to be over at White Hart Lane. Crystal Palace v West Brom filled the air, anticipation line. Calls for Hawkeye technology poor man-marking off a free kick led That spark his players had in his first 5 of a big upset was on the to be implemented at Harlington to a third St George’s goal. That was as matches was missing against Man City Tony Pulis has an outstanding re- cards at the Etihad but dominated the post-match conference much they were going to get though; and Hull, and this game will be a real cord since joining the Eagles and here Smost importantly 14 of IC’s most but LUSL were not on hand to give a the biggest money shots were about to test of his man management skills, comes another distinctly winnable coveted Airborne Rangers did battle definitive statement. come. especially with hopes hinging largely game at Selhurst Park. Pepe Mel be- with St Georges 1s. Many of you are We weren’t done in the first half The first came from a Nugent tackle on the exploits of the notoriously er- came one of few managers to taste probably wondering what the hell and we had plenty left in the sack, on the edge of the box, storming up ratic Emmanuel Adebayor. Similarly, defeat at Villa Park this season and went down that fateful day - Imperial Captain Robinson broke in to the box the pitch quicker than a dog on heat Roberto Martinez was given a reality Palace have the incentive of rising as 1s vs St Georges 1s in LUSL, an 11- and pondered on the ball for a little chasing a mate, slipping Gregory in check about the Toffees’ top four cre- high as 11th. goal thriller and the most orgasmic of too long. Vicious rumours circulating who finished only needing a single dentials in the recent Merseyside der- 1-0 showers to follow. West London suggest he had been touch. The fitness of IC was starting by. Even though they are above Spurs Arriving early and keen, IC were conducting numerous tours the night to show. Prestinoni won the ball in in the table, Everton would surely take Norwich v Man City out basking in the glorious sun with before, leaving him a little jaded. His our third releasing Murphy who sped a point at kick off and I think that’s ex- their pre match routine that Captain instinct and close control allowed him up the pitch along the right with actly what they’ll get. I worry for Man City. For all their at- Robinson seems to keep making to draw in a foul for which we were Prestinoni and Nugent ready for the 1-1 tacking nous, they remain far too vul- longer and longer (it’s not the only awarded a penalty; it was dispatched in Tesco Value goal. He almost ruined it nerable at the back. Fortunately, the thing he can make longer, ladies). to the bottom corner of the goal, well but his quick feet allowed him to round Swansea v Cardiff Canaries’ frontline is unlikely to cause The blood was pumping to all the out of the reach of the goalkeeper. The one more player before squaring it to (Sky Sports 1, Saturday 5:30pm) too many problems for them; this is right places, and our opposition were next goal went to St George’s, a huge Prestinoni, who finished neatly in the a nice game for them to regain some barely able to put their kit on. Their clearance from the half way line that bottom left hand corner. That rounded This will be a Welsh derby with a dif- confidence after Monday’s home de- preparation had been diabolical and it bounced and the wind carried it over off all 8 money shots, a drenched St ference – neither the Bluebirds nor feat. was about to show. Casas. Did he mean it? Certainly not; Georges team sulked off the pitch the Swans can be at all sure of Pre- 1-4 Four and a half minutes of foreplay he does not possess the mathematical covered in shame. Job complete, an mier League survival this season and before we conducted the all-important ability to judge the trajectory, let Airborne Ranger never leaves anyone Michael Laudrup’s men will be hun- Southampton v Stoke penetration; Captain Robinson played alone the wind effects. Casas was feeling dissatisfied. gry for revenge after an embarrassing an exquisitely lofted ball across the hopelessly flailing at it; perhaps his defeat at Cardiff in the reverse fixture. Mauricio Pochettino’s Saints seem to field to Dale who took it down and fine L’Oreal mop of hair got into his ICUAFC is sponsored by: They have been playing better than re- have got over their December blip, fired his load at goal, it hit the bar but eyes. No worries though, he had no sults suggest and finally won at home with Adam Lallana in particular fir- he followed through and took it on such problem with those Spanish girls to Fulham last Wednesday, but then ing on all cylinders. Stoke caused Man his forehead. The party was only just at the union. Again we rebounded flattered to deceive as they slumped United major problems last weekend getting started as Gregory played a quicker than Captain Robinson after to defeat at West Ham. Ole Gunnar but their buccaneering play seldom through ball to Murphy who held off realising he had a gap in the market, Solskjaer will be buoyed by claiming pays off on the road. his defender, despite calls of “your with Gregory slotting home from the his first home win against Norwich, 2-0 muscles are embarrassingly small” left. 5-2 at half time and we were in but Cardiff’s away record is poor and from the direction of Teddington, and the driving seat. Swansea’s class should ultimately pre- Sunderland v Hull then skilfully dinked the ball over the The second half got off in a similar vail. keeper. We took a blow in the back fashion to the first, minimal foreplay 2-0 At last the Black Cats are getting the door, which was unusually painful as and a whole lot of action in all the results they deserve – intriguingly, we are not normally on the receiving right areas; Dale opened the scoring Man United v Fulham they have great form away and for end of such actions. We knew that with a brilliant strike from the right. (Sky Sports 1, Sunday 4pm) that reason I cannot see them being every attack had the possibility of a After being as useless as a virgin relegated. But the Tigers halted their goal, and from the restart we made in bed, St Georges changed their Teams are coming to Old Trafford run of defeats last weekend and Steve sure we got straight to work; it paid off hopeless striker to their BBU who with belief, and coupled with recent Bruce will be up for this on his return when their keeper was stranded in no- wore a Vassell shirt; he was going to injuries I’m sure that’s why we are see- to Wearside. mans land outside of his box, allowing have to add this day to his ongoing ing United struggle. But this is a real 1-1 Gregory to chip the ball over him. 3-1 list of miserable defeats. Despite his