April Fools.Indd

The Issue April 1, 2011 Hitchhiker’s Guide to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Lunar Outpost, Alpha Sector the Galaxy www.bestschoolever.com Board chooses to rebuild school By Daniel Coleman Best Editor Journalism teacher wins Most Reasonable Teacher award The Neshaminy School Board has decided to build its students a lavish new By Alexis McGuire high school to replace the current aging Staff Complainer one. The building will be built on the front lawn, a site which had never before been Journalism teacher Tara Huber considered. assigned a satire article on Friday, The new proposed plan will cost March 11 and ordered the students to approximately 16.8 trillion dollars, around have it done by Monday, March 14. the same cost as the current building, According to Huber, satire is the most which has been dubbed a disaster. difficult literary device for students “The school is just so grungy. I’m to write and comprehend. Because of very disappointed with how it turned out,” the high level of diffi culty, the strict Principal Sin Ickel said. “It’s so dark, the deadline was a logical choice. windows are drafty, and it is unorganized.” Her fi rst period students were so Many of these complainants are shared understanding that they decided to amongst the student body and teachers as nominate her for the Most Reasonable well as the administration. The Neshaminy School Board is basing their new construction plan off of this modest Teacher Award. The award is given to A poll of 12,000 Neshaminy High palace in Abu Dhabi. Photo/Courtesy of Luxuo the teacher whom students believe is School staff and students ranked the most sympathetic when it comes to due problems of the current building in dates for assignments. tower—which might have to be abandoned Senior Citizen Society Merna Tackspayer comparison to the old. The number one “When given this assignment, I because of budget cuts—and a fi replace to said. complaint was that the current building is knew I had to nominate her for the add character. The current building will Tackspayer and Mulligan are teaming far too stretched out and the second is that award. She gave us practically an be fl attened and replaced by a ten story up to tackle this project, which is scheduled it smells like mold. eternity to write a satire article in which parking garage. to be completed by June 1, at which point With this building being such a I knew nothing about,” one of her To fi nance the desperately needed the students will begin attending the new failure, the school board has decided it is brightest students, Brett Nabit said. new building, Mulligan went to the school. The students are thrilled to be time to build a new, better one. “Well we Being a journalistic genius herself, community. Initially the board feared that moving in. fi gured we might as well just start from Huber has passed on her powers to her the community would be unreceptive, but “I can’t wait to get out of this run- scratch,” School Board President John students, giving them the ability to write in reality the opposite was true. down, trashy old building,” Junior Ungra Mulligan said. things which they know very little about “We think it is about darn time our Teful said. “It feels like we have been Mulligan recently released the in a short amount of time. children and grandchildren get a new trapped here forever.” construction plans for the new building. A new trend teenagers are following school. We’ll pay whatever it takes for a The new school brings with it untold The building will feature a main hallway is staying at home on the weekends brand new school, we think renovations possibilities and boundless excitement. called Central Street, a giant clock doing homework instead of going would just be horrible,” Chairperson of the Hopefully this time they will get it right. out with their friends. It’s become something every person under the age of 18 is doing. Infl ux of tissues not exactly what expected “We don’t have homework here By Josh Reznik high-tech things, but cannot afford to paper gold. Administration is now at the George school, so when all my Captain Cranky Pants provide students with tissues. soliciting the assistance of the entire friends from Neshaminy are home Not only have students praised the student body in trying to think of a doing homework, I feel so left out and After endless complaints from epic return of the most common of items, solution for the abundance of tissues. have to go hang out with my friends. students, teachers, and parents, the but the faculty and especially the nurses “I think we should build a mountain Sometimes just to fi t in I pretend to Neshaminy school board approved a have become elated with the tissue’s of tissues in the giant hole in the middle of have homework and sit home and do motion to add a large supply of tissues to return to Paradise. In the week since Main Street,” Nex said. Other ideas that it,” Shelby Smythe, who is attending the annual budget. tissues were added in the budget, the have been discussed have been to store the Harvard University next year, said. The board approved the addition at amount of students visiting the nurse’s boxes in the convenient display case next Huber’s wonderful assignments their most recent board meeting on March offi ce has declined drastically because to the class offi ce room and the display give students a better chance of fi tting 22 and chose to provide three thousand everyone is able to politely and sanitarily cases in the center of Main Street. in with their peers. boxes of tissues a day. “This will be sneeze and cough knowing that germs will The verdict is in. The new tissues are “I agree that Tara Huber should benefi cial for the students,” one parent not spread. “I’m so glad Neshaminy has a hit, but there are still some who feel the receive the award, I look up to such a commented after the board meeting. The fi nally decided to keep everyone healthy,” need to complain. “The tissues are too wonderful woman because I don’t have fi rst shipment was by the front door the senior Stu Feenose said. In addition, rough,” Nex said. “Neshaminy should have the power to give my students such next morning. Already, the long-awaited student attendance as a whole has been on ordered Kleenex. They’re soft.” Hopefully assignments,” fellow inspirational full- return has been of high praise within the the rise since tissues were re-introduced. the new tissues will prevent nasty cold and credit teacher Gina Chiolan said. high school. “The school is no longer Since tissues have been re-introduced fl u germs from spreading The Most Reasonable Teacher made fun of,” junior Klee Nex said. “We to the school, however, a new problem has through the Award will be given this week to can actually be normal like Council Rock risen. With a total of about 24 thousand halls of congratulate Tara Huber. In lieu of and Pennsbury.” boxes of tissues already delivered, the Paradise fl owers, copies of the 2011 Associated Neshaminy has been notoriously custodial staff is running out of space to for years to Press Stylebook may be donated to her known as the one school that can afford store the school’s new bounty of white come. classroom, G204. Basket weaving courses replace AP School changes confusing hump Pop star Taylor Swift retires her Physics due to over scheduling 67 and bump traffi c signs to acceptable country love songs to embody her ڿﮛﺚﻍ speed lump 8 true emo sprirt April 1, 2011 The PlaywackianAwesomer Stuff The Best Page Forget ‘Beiber Fever,’ ‘Black Plague’ sweeps nation By Juliette Rihl takes them through a magical musical “Once you go Black, you’ll never go managed to convince the entire world that Entertainment Editor journey in which, that’s right-- every back.” “everybody’s Russian.” day is Friday. Rebecca preaches about serious Unfortunately, not everyone seems As Walker Savage Landor once said, “The first time I heard Rebecca’s pressures that every teenager can relate to be on the ‘Black bandwagon.’ Many “Music is God’s gift to man…”And song,ong, I was so overjoyed, I could barely to, such as the feeling of always having people have taken to the web to leave clearly, “Friday” is Rebecca Black’s gift hateful comments for Rebecca, claiming to the world. that her song is “the worst song ever It is no doubt that 13-year-old invented” and that “it takes a certain kind Rebecca Black’s new single, “Friday,” of talent to sound bad even with Auto- has captivated Youtube; and dare I say, Tune.” the world. After getting into a public debate The song, which transports listeners with Black about the popularity of her from their humdrum living rooms into the song, Junior Janis Ian exclaimed, “You kickin’ weekend social scene of a gaggle think everybody is in love with you when of eight graders, has over 43 million hits actually, everybody hates you!” on Youtube and has earned the coveted Even more shockingly, infamous number 1 spot on iTunes. Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange admitted All this hoopla is for good reason; that she thinks she “may have killed the critics have been so bold as to call wrong Black.” “Friday” “exquisitely breathtaking,” “a But possibly the most cringe-worthy playground for the ears” and “Mozart’s diss of all was when, during Rebecca’s missing symphony.” recent ABC interview, Kanye West The song has even reportedly interrupted her, stating, “Yo Rebecca, performed miracles, as one woman imma let you fi nish, but Saturday is one claims that after her 9-year-old of the best days ever invented.” granddaughter played her the video A captivatingly catchy Black wows music lovers and weekend Sir Elton John agreed, staying true to she inexplicably regained her hearing, afi cionados alike with her viral hit, “Friday.” his claim that Saturday night is, indeed, which had been missing for 20 years.

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