The Issue April 1, 2011 Hitchhiker’s Guide to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Lunar Outpost, Alpha Sector the Galaxy www.bestschoolever.com Board chooses to rebuild school By Daniel Coleman Best Editor Journalism teacher wins Most Reasonable Teacher award The Neshaminy School Board has decided to build its students a lavish new By Alexis McGuire high school to replace the current aging Staff Complainer one. The building will be built on the front lawn, a site which had never before been Journalism teacher Tara Huber considered. assigned a satire article on Friday, The new proposed plan will cost March 11 and ordered the students to approximately 16.8 trillion dollars, around have it done by Monday, March 14. the same cost as the current building, According to Huber, satire is the most which has been dubbed a disaster. difficult literary device for students “The school is just so grungy. I’m to write and comprehend. Because of very disappointed with how it turned out,” the high level of diffi culty, the strict Principal Sin Ickel said. “It’s so dark, the deadline was a logical choice. windows are drafty, and it is unorganized.” Her fi rst period students were so Many of these complainants are shared understanding that they decided to amongst the student body and teachers as nominate her for the Most Reasonable well as the administration. The Neshaminy School Board is basing their new construction plan off of this modest Teacher Award. The award is given to A poll of 12,000 Neshaminy High palace in Abu Dhabi. Photo/Courtesy of Luxuo the teacher whom students believe is School staff and students ranked the most sympathetic when it comes to due problems of the current building in dates for assignments. tower—which might have to be abandoned Senior Citizen Society Merna Tackspayer comparison to the old. The number one “When given this assignment, I because of budget cuts—and a fi replace to said. complaint was that the current building is knew I had to nominate her for the add character. The current building will Tackspayer and Mulligan are teaming far too stretched out and the second is that award. She gave us practically an be fl attened and replaced by a ten story up to tackle this project, which is scheduled it smells like mold. eternity to write a satire article in which parking garage. to be completed by June 1, at which point With this building being such a I knew nothing about,” one of her To fi nance the desperately needed the students will begin attending the new failure, the school board has decided it is brightest students, Brett Nabit said. new building, Mulligan went to the school. The students are thrilled to be time to build a new, better one. “Well we Being a journalistic genius herself, community. Initially the board feared that moving in. fi gured we might as well just start from Huber has passed on her powers to her the community would be unreceptive, but “I can’t wait to get out of this run- scratch,” School Board President John students, giving them the ability to write in reality the opposite was true. down, trashy old building,” Junior Ungra Mulligan said. things which they know very little about “We think it is about darn time our Teful said. “It feels like we have been Mulligan recently released the in a short amount of time. children and grandchildren get a new trapped here forever.” construction plans for the new building. A new trend teenagers are following school. We’ll pay whatever it takes for a The new school brings with it untold The building will feature a main hallway is staying at home on the weekends brand new school, we think renovations possibilities and boundless excitement. called Central Street, a giant clock doing homework instead of going would just be horrible,” Chairperson of the Hopefully this time they will get it right. out with their friends. It’s become something every person under the age of 18 is doing. Infl ux of tissues not exactly what expected “We don’t have homework here By Josh Reznik high-tech things, but cannot afford to paper gold. Administration is now at the George school, so when all my Captain Cranky Pants provide students with tissues. soliciting the assistance of the entire friends from Neshaminy are home Not only have students praised the student body in trying to think of a doing homework, I feel so left out and After endless complaints from epic return of the most common of items, solution for the abundance of tissues. have to go hang out with my friends. students, teachers, and parents, the but the faculty and especially the nurses “I think we should build a mountain Sometimes just to fi t in I pretend to Neshaminy school board approved a have become elated with the tissue’s of tissues in the giant hole in the middle of have homework and sit home and do motion to add a large supply of tissues to return to Paradise. In the week since Main Street,” Nex said. Other ideas that it,” Shelby Smythe, who is attending the annual budget. tissues were added in the budget, the have been discussed have been to store the Harvard University next year, said. The board approved the addition at amount of students visiting the nurse’s boxes in the convenient display case next Huber’s wonderful assignments their most recent board meeting on March offi ce has declined drastically because to the class offi ce room and the display give students a better chance of fi tting 22 and chose to provide three thousand everyone is able to politely and sanitarily cases in the center of Main Street. in with their peers. boxes of tissues a day. “This will be sneeze and cough knowing that germs will The verdict is in. The new tissues are “I agree that Tara Huber should benefi cial for the students,” one parent not spread. “I’m so glad Neshaminy has a hit, but there are still some who feel the receive the award, I look up to such a commented after the board meeting. The fi nally decided to keep everyone healthy,” need to complain. “The tissues are too wonderful woman because I don’t have fi rst shipment was by the front door the senior Stu Feenose said. In addition, rough,” Nex said. “Neshaminy should have the power to give my students such next morning. Already, the long-awaited student attendance as a whole has been on ordered Kleenex. They’re soft.” Hopefully assignments,” fellow inspirational full- return has been of high praise within the the rise since tissues were re-introduced. the new tissues will prevent nasty cold and credit teacher Gina Chiolan said. high school. “The school is no longer Since tissues have been re-introduced fl u germs from spreading The Most Reasonable Teacher made fun of,” junior Klee Nex said. “We to the school, however, a new problem has through the Award will be given this week to can actually be normal like Council Rock risen. With a total of about 24 thousand halls of congratulate Tara Huber. In lieu of and Pennsbury.” boxes of tissues already delivered, the Paradise fl owers, copies of the 2011 Associated Neshaminy has been notoriously custodial staff is running out of space to for years to Press Stylebook may be donated to her known as the one school that can afford store the school’s new bounty of white come. classroom, G204.

Basket weaving courses replace AP School changes confusing hump Pop star Taylor Swift retires her Physics due to over scheduling 67 and bump traffi c signs to acceptable country love songs to embody her

ڿﮛﺚﻍ speed lump 8 true emo sprirt April 1, 2011 The PlaywackianAwesomer Stuff The Best Page Forget ‘Beiber Fever,’ ‘Black Plague’ sweeps nation By Juliette Rihl takes them through a magical musical “Once you go Black, you’ll never go managed to convince the entire world that Entertainment Editor journey in which, that’s right-- every back.” “everybody’s Russian.” day is Friday. Rebecca preaches about serious Unfortunately, not everyone seems As Walker Savage Landor once said, “The first time I heard Rebecca’s pressures that every teenager can relate to be on the ‘Black bandwagon.’ Many “Music is God’s gift to man…”And song,ong, I was so overjoyed, I could barely to, such as the feeling of always having people have taken to the web to leave clearly, “Friday” is Rebecca Black’s gift hateful comments for Rebecca, claiming to the world. that her song is “the worst song ever It is no doubt that 13-year-old invented” and that “it takes a certain kind Rebecca Black’s new single, “Friday,” of talent to sound bad even with Auto- has captivated Youtube; and dare I say, Tune.” the world. After getting into a public debate The song, which transports listeners with Black about the popularity of her from their humdrum living rooms into the song, Junior Janis Ian exclaimed, “You kickin’ weekend social scene of a gaggle think everybody is in love with you when of eight graders, has over 43 million hits actually, everybody hates you!” on Youtube and has earned the coveted Even more shockingly, infamous number 1 spot on iTunes. Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange admitted All this hoopla is for good reason; that she thinks she “may have killed the critics have been so bold as to call wrong Black.” “Friday” “exquisitely breathtaking,” “a But possibly the most cringe-worthy playground for the ears” and “Mozart’s diss of all was when, during Rebecca’s missing symphony.” recent ABC interview, Kanye West The song has even reportedly interrupted her, stating, “Yo Rebecca, performed miracles, as one woman imma let you fi nish, but Saturday is one claims that after her 9-year-old of the best days ever invented.” granddaughter played her the video A captivatingly catchy Black wows music lovers and weekend Sir Elton John agreed, staying true to she inexplicably regained her hearing, afi cionados alike with her viral hit, “Friday.” his claim that Saturday night is, indeed, which had been missing for 20 years. Photo/Courtesy of MTV alright for fi ghting. But curing the deaf isn’t its only And stating what quite possibly useful purpose: its informative lyrics-- to “be fresh”, and introduces us to one of sums up these critics’ harsh opinions of “tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday form coherent sentences. Kind of like her life’s hardest questions: “Which seat can Rebecca, Junior Regina George sighed, comes afterwards”—not only teach lyricist,” exclaimed junior Cady Heron. I take?” ““We don’t hate you because you’re kids about the days of the week, but Junior Kevin Gnapoor agreed, stating Although Rebecca’s lyric, “Gotta famous, Rebecca. You’re famous because have my bowl,” may have caused some we hate you.” controversy, a statement from Ark records Although there may be some debate Teacher or star? assures us that she was, in fact, just over whether “Friday” is a creative referring to cereal. Wheaties has even masterpiece or not, Rebecca has defi nitely hired the singer as their new spokesperson, taught the world a lot. Perhaps the most as she seems to be very fond of their valuable thing: always keep your friend product. on your right. Science teacher Two specific groups of people Keep a lookout for Rebecca Black’s Frank Lichtner or have especially supported Ms. Black upcoming full-length CD, including new throughout her entire journey to stardom: songs “That Girl On My Left—We’re Not Nickelodeon’s Nigel the owners of poultry farms, as fried eggs Friends”, “We So Excited (We Don’t Use Thornberry? have become increasingly popular since Proper English)”, and rare track “Abusive the release of her video; and Russian Parents: Why I Have to Pretend to Be heritage clubs, of which membership Walking to the Bus Stop Even Though has increased by over 3000% since My Friends Are Picking Me Up”. her video’s release, since Rebecca has Photo Courtesy Tripod.com and Molly Lichtner Up close, personal with McGee me with a normal brain. African teenagers live cushy lives Q: What would you say is your plan of action to combat ongoing problems at like whenever I go shopping and I never By Lera Trout Neshaminy like bullying or theft? Executive Fish Monger know what color shoes would look better A: I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. with my toe nail polish or when my I’ve got poetry in my fi ngertips. Most of Some people will never know how boyfriend of fi ve months, six weeks, and the time - and this includes naps - I’m good they have it. They’ll never understand two days hasn’t asked me to prom yet and an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the struggles other people go through. I’ve already spent $300.00 on the perfect the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the Take me for example; I am just an dress. ground. average 16 year-old girl. “Do people honestly think our lives Neshaminy’s leader, Rob McGee There’s just one problem: I am an are easy,” Neshaminy sophomore Caroline Photo Courtesy Neshaminy Info Q: How do you feel the PSSA testing average 16 year-old girl. Wrack said. is going thus far for juniors? Nothing comes easy and I’m always “Everyday is a struggle, between By Tori Hyndman A: Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, thinking that somewhere there is someone calming my friend down after she got into Editor In Vain duh. having the perfect life; no worries, no a fi ght with a girl who stole her boyfriend stress...and I can’t think of a better and screaming at someone who cut me It is clear that principal Rob McGee Q: What do you think high school example than the people of Africa. off in the hallway, I’ve got no time for does his best to keep the chaos at students struggle the most with They’re living the picture-perfect myself,” she added. Neshaminy. Read on to see for yourself. throughout their adolescent years? care-free life and they’re not even aware Kids in Africa don’t realize how much A: What they’re not ready for is guys of it! better off they have it, especially when Q: How have you felt you have like you and I and Nails and all the other Thinking about all of the those kids they are not aware of the sacrifi ces we impacted Neshaminy over the past gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are in Africa who don’t have to be bothered make each day, it’s really ridiculous how few years as principal? high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. with school, classes, tests and annoying different our societies are. A: I have defeated this earthworm with my Boom. Print that, people. See where that teachers makes me wonder why more I can’t even count how many times words. Imagine what I would have done goes. people don’t move to Africa. I’ve had to stop texting my best friend just with my fi re breathing fi sts. These kids have no idea how lucky to go have dinner with my family—and Q: What is one piece of advice you they are; besides from living in the it’s not even like family time is that Q: What past experiences would would like to give the students of occasional fear of not knowing when important, I see them everyday. you say have best prepared you for Neshaminy High School? your next meal will be or whether not They never have to give up Facebook working as principal at Neshaminy? A: I have to tell them that last night was you’ll be abducted in the middle of and texting time to sit down to a boring A: I’ve spent, I think, close to the last a shameful trainwreck fi lled with blind, the night, African life is where it’s at. family meal like the rest of us do. decade effortlessly and magically cuddly puppies. “People in Africa never have to worry People in Africa have no idea how converting your tin cans into pure gold. about anything important, and if they do, lucky they are and they should stop to Q: How would you describe yourself they’re probably just being dramatic,” think once in a while that their lives are Q: How do you think the students as an educator and an administrator? junior Leroy Jenkins said. so much better compared with others’. perceive you as a leader? A: I’m different. I have a different If they choose to go to school one day The only thing they might worry A: I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total constitution, I have a different brain, they’ll just take their quick 10 mile hike about is contracting a wide-spread disease, rock star from Mars, and people can’t I have a different heart. I got tiger to the closest school, lateness excused. and what are the chances of that actually fi gure me out; they can’t process me. I blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for My life is full of troubling tribulations happening? don’t expect them to. You can’t process amateurs. Page π The Playwackian Awesome Stuff April 1, 2011 Library implements stricter security policy By Tori Hyndman check, students that do not have a dire need other means of fulfi lling the needs that you can get a real nice quiet spot with no Editor In Vain to be in the library must make some sort the Neshaminy library once met, students disturbances,” Leptic said. of donation to the library or demonstrate who have successfully gained admission All in all, it is quite clear that the The Neshaminy library has began a talent of their choosing that is subject to past the retina eye scanner and required new changes to the library have been taking strong action with revamped rules approval by the library aides. Acceptable citizenship test have reported positive eliciting many different types of reactions and regulations aimed at keeping out the donations have been reported to range changes to the intellectual sanctuary. from students. Regardless of positive or casual readers and leaving more room for from a pint of blood, Sophomore Jack negative, the Neshaminy library staff is the serious students. a $100 gift card to Slacker was beaming when reveling in the attention. In order to successfully gain entry to Barnes and Noble, as questioned. “It’s great, “Kids actually know where the the library, students must not only have well as an assortment I love the new rules,” he library is now,” the brown haired library a signed pass from a teacher but also a of sweet treats like said. “A couple days ago lady said. “It’s becoming like a game to validated doctor’s note ensuring that the chocolates or candies my social studies class them, coming down to see who can and student is suffi ciently healthy and not or cookies (all to be met in the library but my can’t get in. We’re even speaking slowly suffering from some distractive illness eaten outside of the teacher has bad credit and with the P.E. staff to implement a library such as a cold or bronchitis that would library away from they wouldn’t let him in. component—a point for the team who gets likely ensue in repetitive fi ts of sneezing, the computers of We played Angry Birds for the most kids in the library—into Gym nose-blowing or coughing that would course). 45 minutes. I even beat the Night. We’re huge!” undoubtedly distract the librarians and “I wasn’t able librarian!” he added. library aides from overseeing the well- to give blood when Other students agree. being of the book haven. I needed to get in to Because many are in fact “I’m asthmatic, so I have to resort start a research paper that was due the denied admission to the award-winning Brielle to playing Tetris on my friend’s iPod next period because I went to Mexico library, the library is a much quieter, instead of skipping study hall to play on in August,” senior Lass Minnut said. “I calming place. Explains the bigger computer screen,” Neshaminy thought I had lucked out though ‘cause “I’ve been skipping fi rst period each junior Anita Heir said. “I guess it was I had a box of Girl Scout cookies in my day and napping here instead of sleeping pretty inconvenient at fi rst, but I’ve gotten backpack from my little sister, but the at the nurses—they don’t let you in until It alll used to the touch controls; it’s not so bad librarian said she didn’t like Thin Mints,” third period these days,” junior Narcaa anymore,” she added. he added. Leptic said. “It’s like a ghost town inn For those who pass the initial health Though many students have to fi nd here, and if you go where the books are, Brielle Ballantine is known at Students struggle with newfound college choices Neshaminy By Jocelyn Joseph teeth. No really, ask Santa; it was on accounting for nearly 93 percent of for her words Disney Princess my Christmas list every year,” freshman students. (The remaining six percent of wisdom and Alvin Chipmunk said. But now, becoming consists of a random assortment of party calm, cool, Breaking news: attention all a “TempleTemple OwlOwl” seems much more animals frofrom the shores of Jersey). Now and collected Redskins, there has beenn that they have discovered demeanor. a breakthrough in collegee these other colleges, I’m Here, she puts her heartwarming advice choices. A study by thee afraid the make-up of Penn to good use, aiding the troubled students Neshaminy Localizationn State is going to look very of Neshaminy. Board confirmed thatt different,” he said. colleges other than Pennn Penn State is home State College are real. to a famous Ice Cream Q: Dear Brielle, I am 17 years old, Parents and studentss creamery, which was the and I am obsessed with Justin Bieber. are overwhelmed by thee main attraction for some I dress up like him and dance around huge volume of options,, Neshaminy students. There my room singing “Baby” and my which they did not evenn is serious doubt as to girlfriend thinks it’s weird. What know existed. whether the business can should I do? Guidance counselorss thrive without the annual -Bieberluver4eva. in the school are on workk infl ux of hungry Redskins. overload, as thousands off The enlightened seniors A: Dear Bieberluver4eva, tell your students rush to fill outt of the school are trying girlfriend that if she cant handle the last minute applicationss to cope with the alarming sexiness that comes with being a Beliber, to these long-lost treasuree discovery. Some feel then she needs to get her priorities schools. empowered to just go out straight and kick her to the curb. She’s “I can’t believe I never Students, like this one, are overwhelmed with the plethora of college not worth your time. Find someone else choices and opportunities available. Photo/Amanda Covon there and explore the new knew! Ursinus! Allegheny! possibilities to discover a who equally shares your love of Justin Bucks! Who knew; the options are macho. new person within. and sing together. A match made in Bieber endless,” confounded senior Jane Smith The depressed University dean “I never thought that this was even heaven! stressed. acknowledged the change in times. “At possible. But now I learned a valuable “I’ve dreamed of becoming a Nittany one point, Neshaminy Redskins crowded lesson; I will never say never,” junior Q: Dear Brielle, Prom is coming up Lion ever since I lost my two front the numerous Penn State campuses, and I want to get a fast, easy tan. Is Justin Beiber said. there anyway that I can do it for little money? –Got2Btan

A: Dear Got2Btan, to save money on a nice, orangey tan just follow these steps. Step one, go to your closest food store. Step two, buy a couple bags of Cheetos, as many as you may need. Step three, put them in the bath tub and stomp on them FREE STEAK! till they’re completely crushed. Step four, roll around in the Cheeto dust for about The Cafeteria is giving away 5 mins, and Ta-Da! INSTA TAN! Q: Dear Gabby, every time I’m FREE STEAK! Simply cut leaving the student parking lot, I have to wait forever to get out of my out this coupon and present parking spot because no one will stop to let me out. What should I do? it to a cafeteria aide to –Driven-insane A: Dear Driven-insane, Just do the same to other people to teach them a receive your FREE STEAK! lesson. Start drifting when you turn into the parking lot, or just keeping doing donuts in the middle of the road, making This coupon is only valid on April 1, 2011. It is null and void if presented by any person sure no one can go anywhere. Or even wearing flip-flops or boots. In order to redeem, the presenter must recite ten lines of better, just drive really slow, and act like poetry from memory. The coupon cannot be redeemed anywhere except the Nesh- aminy Cafeteria during periods 1, 4, 7, and 8. Additionally, this coupon cannot be nothings wrong. Teach people not to be used unless the cafeteria is serving steak. It is the choice of the caferia aide whether rude, and have fun doing it! or not to allow the coupon to be used. Enjoy your FREE STEAK! Page ? The Playwackian Explosions April 1, 2011

...Where angstyy teens vent

Anguish Rejection Every step I take is torture, agony. Every breath I take is anguish. From the downbeat retort of your Negative I live in torment of my past. response-- My past is full of distress, painful. Grief and sorrow defi ne my life. Your Refusal ruefully running through my mind Will I ever escape my angst? With your defi ance of my Denial Will I ever live to be content? Repulsed by my Rebuff By Mel Matyi As I face the Denunciation of your presence! It is a raging Refutation, wrongfully resounding! I have endured your Elimination. Is this your Dismissal? Or will you face my acceptance?

By Emeline Jarvie Broken Hearted

You broke up with me You think he’s be tt er I’m crying home alone In my new gray sweater

Horror Living at home isn’t fun I lay on the kitchen floor in dismay, Please take me back clutching onto reality… I want you to make me a sandwich All that had previously given me hope They’re so delicious, like your heart has deserted me, full of revulsion Towards my dismal dreams. The shock of despair echoes through This wouldn’t be happening if Al my soul Gore won And disgust sets in, burying any hope I sit here alone with my teddy bear for sanity or joy. Remember when we won it at the No longer do I strive to be happy! The mere thought casts me into carnival? repulsion! I played with your long luscious hair The dreadfulness of my insignificance is intoxicating. It sweeps me into the hollows of the By Lauren Driscoll awfulness that awaits me! To my terror, my misery has become my delight.

By Sabina Khantsis

Losing my Care Bear in Gym Class

I miss you Alone Why did you leave alone? You turned the key Why does the world leave me so To walk out of my life solitary feeling engulfs my soul! isolated Th is We are meant to be like two apples on a tree by love? I cannot shake the dreaded feelingunaccompanied of living life I miss you, You’re the Justin to my Bieber How is it fair that I live life forlornly I am forced to exist SAVE LIBYA! desolate planet is repulsive To be on such a I miss you I am covetous of the bountiful companionship you retain Why did you leave By Danielle Brown … Oh wait there you are

By Francesca Mancino