Pastimes Revision
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"Pastimes" A Play CHARACTER NAME BRIEF DESCRIPTION AGE GENDER COLE Aspiring Major Leaguer. 22 M CLAY Former alligator hunter. 28 M SANDRA Their mother. 50s F TAGGART Cole's teammate. 31 M MUGGS Another teammate. 35 M QUEEN/DEB Figment/voodoo priestess. 30s F 1 SCENE ONE MUGGS and TAGGART enter, wheeling a set of three locker-room cubbies--the middle of which is nearly empty save for a fresh baseball uniform. They use the two outside cubbies to dress themselves. TAGGART (re: middle cubby) Is that today? MUGGS Today is today. TAGGART You mean “Today’s the day.” MUGGS I meant what I said. I mean what I say. TAGGART But what’s that even--today is today--that’s a non- statement, far as I’m concerned. MUGGS Then you’re not concerned far enough. TAGGART Muggs, what kind of workplace is this if I can’t make a simple observation and get a simple confirmation in return? A grunt would suffice. MUGGS A grunt would only invite you to keep talking. TAGGART So you were hoping to, what, derail me? With your fortune- cookie mumbo-jumbo? MUGGS Clearly nothing derails you. TAGGART That’s right, I’m un-derailable. I’ve been in the same spot, right here, for . Shit. (Pause.) Today is today. And today we get a new locker buddy. That right? A new jerk to jack my stuff? Necessities! Eye-drops, hairbrush, snack cakes--all gone! 2 MUGGS Ah, hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you: I nabbed your snack cakes. They’re no good for you. Wanted to clear out all manner of temptation. TAGGART Been around your belly long enough to know your intentions weren’t so pure. Nab nothing, you ate ‘em. MUGGS Hey now, I was sacrificing my own welfare so you could maintain your svelte physique. TAGGART More like you sacrificed Little Debbie. MUGGS She sacrificed herself. TAGGART Ah yes; Saint Deb. (Pause.) What was the last guy’s name? The guy between us. (MUGGS shrugs.) Ain’t that how it goes: Here today, gone tomorrow. Nothing but the empty space where my Old Spice used to be to account for a man’s ever being here. MUGGS Today is today, but only today. TAGGART Sometimes today is long enough to steal. (Pause.) Maybe they’ve all stolen. Ever since I’ve been here. Maybe they’ve all swiped my shit. Piece by piece. ‘Cause they don’t respect me. Think that’s true? MUGGS You’re getting into yesterday, that’s not my jurisdiction. TAGGART Well, I won’t make the same mistake again. I’m gonna keep my eyes steady from now on. MUGGS Bet that’ll be hard without your eye-drops. TAGGART examines jersey in middle cubby. TAGGART “Landreaux.” As in . .? 3 MUGGS Cole Landreaux. TAGGART Oh right, the young sharpshooter. Rolling back into his hometown. MUGGS And you get to catch him. TAGGART He’s coming with baggage I imagine. MUGGS That’s usually the case with people who move from one place to another. TAGGART You’ll admit this is a special case. MUGGS Hey look at us: case. Like suitcase. TAGGART Muggs. MUGGS ‘Cause he’s coming with baggage. TAGGART This is serious! You’ve seen the brother’s TV show, ain’t ya? MUGGS Whose brother? TAGGART WHO WE TALKIN’ ‘BOUT--Cole Landreaux’s brother: Clay. From Bayou Badasses. MUGGS Oh yeah, the redneck ringleader. TAGGART The local legend. MUGGS With all the alligator shooting and shenanigans. Not my cup of java. TAGGART Alligator hunting’s a generational pursuit. A rich part of this state’s history. 4 And if you watch the show you hear tell of Clay’s brother who left home rather than continue a fine tradition. AKA, our new teammate. What’s that say? MUGGS He left to play baseball, Taggart. Baseball. That’s us. We play baseball. Same boat. TAGGART Not same boat. If you believe the hype, he’s destined for greatness. Like on-a-yacht greatness. I don’t see us on a yacht. Do you see that, Muggs? Do you see that kind of future for us? MUGGS Don’t go turning your back on a fellow you’ve yet to meet. TAGGART Soon as he gives me any lip, any high-and-mighty bullshit-- MUGGS Who says he will? TAGGART The money says. How much was that contract worth? No, don’t tell me. It’s ridiculous. Would just make me sad. Never even played a major-league game. MUGGS Neither have we. But if he is as good as they say . It’d be nice to actually win a few games. COLE, early twenties, enters. His athletic frame sags under the weight of a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He approaches the empty cubby, checks the jersey. He shoves the bag inside, begins to dress. TAGGART You must be Cole. COLE I am. TAGGART I’m Taggart. I’ll be catching you. And that there’s Muggs, our man on first. (COLE nods at them.) You got enough supplies in that bag? Like deodorant, hairbrush, other provisions? 5 COLE Why, you need something? TAGGART No no, just wanna make sure you got what you need, so’s you don’t have to look elsewhere. COLE I’m covered. Thanks. Pause. He takes out the jersey, looks at the front, which reads “Zulu Coconuts.” He starts unbuttoning it. COLE This mean there’s some poor sap-mascot who has to dress as an actual Zulu Coconut? TAGGART Yep. Looks like one of those M&M’s in the TV commercials. MUGGS Or a giant hairy testicle with googly eyes. TAGGART Wanted something “culturally specific,” they said. Instead of Denver’s old mascot, which they had for years. COLE Right. TAGGART So it was either this or the Baby Cakes. Can you imagine how stupid that would be? I mean, who wants to be eating a cake and find a little plastic baby inside. Choke to death if you’re not careful. I mean, I hadn’t heard of a cake baby or a zebra coconut till I got here. (Brief pause. To COLE:) You grew up in town, right? COLE A little outside of town. But yeah. Pretty much. TAGGART So maybe you can remind us here, dig us out of this identity crisis. COLE I don’t follow. TAGGART Tell us: What is a Zulu Coconut? COLE Just some trinket they throw out at Mardi Gras. 6 TAGGART But there’s gotta be a story behind it. COLE Yeah--I mean, look it up. TAGGART And forego an opportunity to hear it from a true Crescent City native? Zulu QUEEN enters dressed in an extravagant peacock-like outfit, mostly white with dashes of purple, green and gold. Despite this, she goes unacknowledged. COLE I’m not much for telling stories. TAGGART Telling stories is about all we do in here. Passes the time. MUGGS (almost apologetic) Takes our mind off losing. COLE I don’t remember it too well, okay? I wouldn’t be thorough. TAGGART I prefer genuine over thorough anyhows. COLE Nah. TAGGART Is it an issue of Can’t or Won’t? COLE Won’t. TAGGART Why? COLE Don’t want to. (To QUEEN:) Forget it, just go. QUEEN This is some bullshit. 7 She exits. TAGGART (to COLE:) Boy, you’re no fun. COLE (To him, once having dressed:) Come find me when you want to go over signs. Exits. MUGGS Think your welcome wagon spun out. TAGGART “Come find me when you want to go over signs.” How ‘bout you come find me? I’m the one with the signs! And I’m not just giving ‘em away! MUGGS We’re gonna lose. TAGGART I’ll make him tell me. What it means. The ‘nuts. MUGGS Look it up. TAGGART No. That’s no Win. He knows. And I’m gonna get it from him. Don’t you understand? He’s gotta do what I tell him. Lights. SCENE TWO Night. A single light pole, against which leans SANDRA, somewhat disheveled, smoking a cigarette. COLE enters, duffel bag over his shoulder. He appears lost, squinting into the distance, fiddling with a set of keys. SANDRA Ride get stolen? COLE It’s a rental, can’t remember what it looks like for the life of me. (Recognizing:) Wait . 8 He looks at her. SANDRA Hello, Cole. (No response.) What, ain’t I worth a hello at least? COLE It’s a startling sight is all. You, hanging around this parking lot like you’re gonna offer me some kind of sinister synthetic. SANDRA This wasn’t my first choice of meeting places but, figured I might catch you here. On your way . COLE Home? SANDRA Right. Home. COLE Well you caught me. SANDRA Where you staying? COLE Nowhere special. SANDRA Why’nt you step into the light, see you better. COLE You know what I look like. SANDRA Been a long time. (Pause.) I heard on the radio or somewheres that you were being sent up or called up here. Like a promotion, right? Promoted to Triple-A New Orleans, your old hometown. The way folks been talking about you, how good you’re supposed to be, you’d think it’s the second coming. (Slight pause. Unable to contain her amusement:) But man, did you get taken for a ride tonight! COLE My stuff was a little off. SANDRA Off? You got shelled! You got lit up, / smoked-- COLE Alright. 9 SANDRA Hosed. COLE Alright! So you come up here, watch the game, wait out here over an hour so you can laugh at how I got my ass handed to me? SANDRA I didn’t know you were gonna get your ass handed to you.