GUIDE 330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com When everything that matters is at stake — We Take it Personally.® We take the time to get to know you personally and to understand all the issues affecting you. We care about the details, and we’re available on your schedule. Our experienced attorneys will work with you closely from beginning to end. We do whatever it takes – the big things and the small ones – to get the job done. Jay Frank and Elizabeth Lazzara head the Aronberg Goldgehn family law team. Both have been selected by their peers as Leading Lawyers and Super Lawyers, a distinction afforded to only 5% of Illinois lawyers. JAY FRANK understands that divorce makes MICHAEL ZASLAVSKY works with his clients, your life complicated. The financial and legal seeking every possible solution to resolve a issues only add to the stress, so it is impor- dispute before resorting to litigation. He has tant to find a lawyer to look out for your best achieved successful outcomes in even the most interests. “Everything that means anything complex situations, often involving financial, real is on the table: the children, the posses- estate, contract, and child custody issues, and sions, the house, the retirement plan, and is frequently appointed a child’s representative sometimes the family pet,” he says. He devotes himself in contested custody cases. Mr. Zaslavsky has also represented 110% to your case, six days a week. many high-profile professional athletes and business leaders in various domestic relations, real estate, and other matters. He has more than 40 years of experience, focusing largely on representing women in divorce. Mr. Frank has earned a JULIE NEUBAUER has a background as an reputation as an expert on family law, and frequently writes advocate and counselor for survivors of do- articles, speaks at seminars, and appears on TV and radio. mestic violence, and dedicates her practice Mr. Frank’s clients say that his caring attitude really sets to matrimonial and family law. She strives to him apart. bring stability into the lives of her clients and their families. ELIZABETH LAZZARA has spent the last 22 years assisting families with their family law STACI BALBIRER believes that a positive cli- conflicts; from child custody and parenting ent relationship is at the core of a successful issues to tracking down income and divid- outcome in divorce litigation. Her mentality ing up the financial pie. Her practical, expert, of placing her client’s needs first allows her and common-sense approach reassures cli- to zealously advocate on their behalf. Ms. ents that they will receive quality representa- Balbirer concentrates her practice on divorce tion specifically devoted to getting clients the results they and family law litigation with a special focus deserve. Ms. Lazzara’s specialized knowledge, expertise on assisting families with special needs children. Staci has and insight have led her to be recognized among the top both spoken and written on the topic of determining sup- family lawyers in Illinois. She is a mediator and also pub- port for special needs children as she believes this is an lishes and lectures regularly on family law topics. area of law that is of the utmost importance. 330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com For many women, divorce is a difficult and confusing experience that can profoundly change and negatively impact many aspects of life. In this Women’s Divorce Guide, you’ll find helpful and supportive articles, book excerpts, advice, and insights that focus exclusively on women’s divorce issues. It’s a treasure trove of compassionate and credible information designed to support and empower you as you progress through your divorce – and into a brighter future. contents 4 Betrayed 19 Stress Busters Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and Ten easy ways to combat stress during divorce. betrayal of infi delity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce. 21 The Grief Progression Each person has a different experience of grief and loss 7 Taking Stock of Your Marriage from change. Here’s what to expect. Choosing to end your marriage is one of the most dif- fi cult decisions you can make, but it may be the best 23 Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Acceptance choice for your future happiness. Eleven steps to help a divorced woman move towards acceptance – and a new life. 10 Dealing with Friends, Family, and More During Divorce 26 Before you Give Up: Reconciliation Strategies As the divorce process drags on you’ll discover that your If you’re still making an effort to save your marriage, entire range of relationships has changed. Some of these here’s some information about marriage counseling. changes are sudden and huge; others are more subtle. 29 Preparing to Date Again 13 Your Financial Divorce When will you be ready to start dating again? The an- Here are six fi nancial steps women should take to pre- swer is different for everyone, but you need to ensure pare for divorce. you’re past the “walking wounded” stage fi rst. 16 The 12 Financial Pitfalls of Divorce 32 Your Divorce Community Divorce can be very complicated; here’s some advice to help you avoid the most common financial pitfalls. The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a law- yer, accountant, financial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materi- als from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited. Women’sWomen’s DivDivorceorce GGuideuide | 3 BETRAYED Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and betrayal of infidelity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce. By Sheri Meyers “ got ’punched’ again today. I thought I was doing really I well, handling things better and not thinking about the betrayal, and then suddenly a whole deluge of emotions came flooding in as I remembered the texts and love letters my husband sent to his so-called ’friend’. I feel betrayed all over again. Will I ever get over this?” Betrayal smashes your world to the very core, throwing you into the depths of despair. Added to this, you can feel totally alone and isolated since the one person in the world you were building a life with has completely trashed your feelings and emotions. Your precise reactions – your thoughts and feelings – will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time. The trust you might have once shared is now on life support. The fact that you were betrayed, the fact that you let this go unnoticed for however long it was may lead to you doubting yourself. Betrayal is tied into abandonment and loss. You may want to hurt your spouse, get even, or walk away. The physical and mental state you are in might be overwhelm- ing. Your body shakes and shivers, your heart pounds, your stom- ach aches. Your mind races with feelings of anger and shock, disappointment and hurt, confusion, and despair, shame and dis- belief. Your self-esteem and your sense of relationship continuity, emotional safety, and trust may be completely rattled to the core. These feelings are real signs of the pain and hurt within and need to be faced rather than suppressed. However, try not to act on feelings alone. Right now is a really bad time to make life-changing deci- sions. Initially, surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog lift. Give yourself some time to calm down a bit, feel your feelings, get your thoughts straight, and take care of yourself. Only when you start to feel a little better can you begin to consider what your next step should be. Women’s Divorce Guide | 4 Knowing What to Expect Makes British Psychological Society study • Learn how to relax. Just thinking the Passage Easier indicated that writing about emotions about relaxing is a good thing. Saying might even speed the healing of physi- the word “relax” to yourself is a great Life is always easier to handle when cal wounds. If journaling about pain thing. Actually relaxing is the best you have some idea of what you may be can heal a physical injury, think about thing. Remember, it’s one breath away. subjected to at any given moment. Once what writing might do for your bro- Tell yourself, “I am calm” “I am safe” you have experienced a deep betrayal ken heart. Write down your thoughts “I can handle this” over and over again. such as this, it is not unusual to: and feelings about your partner’s • Learn the art of taking one-minute unfaithfulness. vacations. Anything from smelling a • Cry at the drop of a hat. • Tears are healthy. If they aren’t com- flower to petting an animal can help • Experience a deep sense of loss. ing naturally, put on some blues-type take you away for even a minute, • Feel irritated and angry with trivia. music or watch a sad movie. which starts the process of feeling free.