GUIDE

330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com When everything that matters is at stake — We Take it Personally.®

We take the time to get to know you personally and to understand all the issues affecting you. We care about the details, and we’re available on your schedule. Our experienced attorneys will work with you closely from beginning to end. We do whatever it takes – the big things and the small ones – to get the job done. Jay Frank and Elizabeth Lazzara head the Aronberg Goldgehn family law team. Both have been selected by their peers as Leading Lawyers and Super Lawyers, a distinction afforded to only 5% of Illinois lawyers.

JAY FRANK understands that divorce makes MICHAEL ZASLAVSKY works with his clients, your life complicated. The financial and legal seeking every possible solution to resolve a issues only add to the stress, so it is impor- dispute before resorting to litigation. He has tant to find a lawyer to look out for your best achieved successful outcomes in even the most interests. “Everything that means anything complex situations, often involving financial, real is on the table: the children, the posses- estate, contract, and child custody issues, and sions, the house, the retirement plan, and is frequently appointed a child’s representative sometimes the family pet,” he says. He devotes himself in contested custody cases. Mr. Zaslavsky has also represented 110% to your case, six days a week. many high-profile professional athletes and business leaders in various domestic relations, real estate, and other matters. He has more than 40 years of experience, focusing largely on representing women in divorce. Mr. Frank has earned a JULIE NEUBAUER has a background as an reputation as an expert on family law, and frequently writes advocate and counselor for survivors of do- articles, speaks at seminars, and appears on TV and radio. mestic violence, and dedicates her practice Mr. Frank’s clients say that his caring attitude really sets to matrimonial and family law. She strives to him apart. bring stability into the lives of her clients and their families. ELIZABETH LAZZARA has spent the last 22 years assisting families with their family law STACI BALBIRER believes that a positive cli- conflicts; from child custody and parenting ent relationship is at the core of a successful issues to tracking down income and divid- outcome in divorce litigation. Her mentality ing up the financial pie. Her practical, expert, of placing her client’s needs first allows her and common-sense approach reassures cli- to zealously advocate on their behalf. Ms. ents that they will receive quality representa- Balbirer concentrates her practice on divorce tion specifically devoted to getting clients the results they and family law litigation with a special focus deserve. Ms. Lazzara’s specialized knowledge, expertise on assisting families with special needs children. Staci has and insight have led her to be recognized among the top both spoken and written on the topic of determining sup- family lawyers in Illinois. She is a mediator and also pub- port for special needs children as she believes this is an lishes and lectures regularly on family law topics. area of law that is of the utmost importance.

330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com For many women, divorce is a difficult and confusing experience that can profoundly change and negatively impact many aspects of life.

In this Women’s Divorce Guide, you’ll find helpful and supportive articles, book excerpts, advice, and insights that focus exclusively on women’s divorce issues. It’s a treasure trove of compassionate and credible information designed to support and empower you as you progress through your divorce – and into a brighter future.

contents 4 Betrayed 19 Stress Busters Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and Ten easy ways to combat stress during divorce. betrayal of infi delity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce. 21 The Grief Progression Each person has a different experience of grief and loss 7 Taking Stock of Your Marriage from change. Here’s what to expect. Choosing to end your marriage is one of the most dif- fi cult decisions you can make, but it may be the best 23 Moving Beyond Your Divorce: Acceptance choice for your future happiness. Eleven steps to help a divorced woman move towards acceptance – and a new life. 10 Dealing with Friends, Family, and More During Divorce 26 Before you Give Up: Reconciliation Strategies As the divorce process drags on you’ll discover that your If you’re still making an effort to save your marriage, entire range of relationships has changed. Some of these here’s some information about marriage counseling. changes are sudden and huge; others are more subtle. 29 Preparing to Date Again 13 Your Financial Divorce When will you be ready to start dating again? The an- Here are six fi nancial steps women should take to pre- swer is different for everyone, but you need to ensure pare for divorce. you’re past the “walking wounded” stage fi rst.

16 The 12 Financial Pitfalls of Divorce 32 Your Divorce Community Divorce can be very complicated; here’s some advice to help you avoid the most common financial pitfalls.

The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a law- yer, accountant, financial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materi- als from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.

Women’sWomen’s DivDivorceorce GGuideuide | 3 BETRAYED Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and betrayal of infidelity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce.

By Sheri Meyers

“ got ’punched’ again today. I thought I was doing really I well, handling things better and not thinking about the betrayal, and then suddenly a whole deluge of emotions came flooding in as I remembered the texts and love letters my husband sent to his so-called ’friend’. I feel betrayed all over again. Will I ever get over this?”

Betrayal smashes your world to the very core, throwing you into the depths of despair. Added to this, you can feel totally alone and isolated since the one person in the world you were building a life with has completely trashed your feelings and emotions.

Your precise reactions – your thoughts and feelings – will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time.

The trust you might have once shared is now on life support. The fact that you were betrayed, the fact that you let this go unnoticed for however long it was may lead to you doubting yourself. Betrayal is tied into abandonment and loss. You may want to hurt your spouse, get even, or walk away.

The physical and mental state you are in might be overwhelm- ing. Your body shakes and shivers, your heart pounds, your stom- ach aches. Your mind races with feelings of anger and shock, disappointment and hurt, confusion, and despair, shame and dis- belief. Your self-esteem and your sense of relationship continuity, emotional safety, and trust may be completely rattled to the core.

These feelings are real signs of the pain and hurt within and need to be faced rather than suppressed. However, try not to act on feelings alone.

Right now is a really bad time to make life-changing deci- sions. Initially, surviving infidelity means nothing more than letting the fog lift. Give yourself some time to calm down a bit, feel your feelings, get your thoughts straight, and take care of yourself. Only when you start to feel a little better can you begin to consider what your next step should be.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 4 Knowing What to Expect Makes British Psychological Society study • Learn how to relax. Just thinking the Passage Easier indicated that writing about emotions about relaxing is a good thing. Saying might even speed the healing of physi- the word “relax” to yourself is a great Life is always easier to handle when cal wounds. If journaling about pain thing. Actually relaxing is the best you have some idea of what you may be can heal a physical injury, think about thing. Remember, it’s one breath away. subjected to at any given moment. Once what writing might do for your bro- Tell yourself, “I am calm” “I am safe” you have experienced a deep betrayal ken heart. Write down your thoughts “I can handle this” over and over again. such as this, it is not unusual to: and feelings about your partner’s • Learn the art of taking one-minute unfaithfulness. vacations. Anything from smelling a • Cry at the drop of a hat. • Tears are healthy. If they aren’t com- flower to petting an animal can help • Experience a deep sense of loss. ing naturally, put on some blues-type take you away for even a minute, • Feel irritated and angry with trivia. music or watch a sad movie. which starts the process of feeling free. • Feel like everything is too much of an • It’s okay and healthy to laugh. Watch • Give to others. Kindness and charity, effort. some funny movies or TV shows. no matter what you feel like inside, • Evade people who you do not want to Spend some time with people who is a win/win. Doing good, feels good. inform. make you smile. Life goes on in spite Studies show that the happiest people • Not have the energy to consider how of heartache and unfaithful partners. are ones who give the most happiness to get over the affair. • Ask all the questions you want. Talk to others. When you’re depressed, • Have difficulty thinking, concentrat- with your partner about the infidel- anxious, or stressed, there is a high ing, and retaining information. ity. Ask the questions you need to ask degree of focus on the self. Focusing • Be consumed by a sense of hurt and and be understanding that your partner on the needs of others literally helps anger and even vengefulness. may not have all the answers just yet shift your thinking and your mood • Feel tired all the time and have sleep as to why the infidelity took place. from victimhood to empowerment. problems (too little or too much). Keep dialoguing, sharing, expressing, • Get an ego boost. To move on from • Experience physical reactions such as inviting, and listening. the psychological self-hatred, try some nausea, diarrhea, shakiness, binge eat- • See a counselor. Talking to an objec- retail therapy, get a new haircut, buy ing, or not wanting to eat. tive third party will help you process some new clothes. Move on from • Feel overwhelmed with strong the situation and will stop you from the doldrums and make yourself feel emotions – uncertainty, fear, rejection, being too hard on yourself. special. shame, loss of hope, disappointment, • Avoid the blame game over who or • The sounds of silence. After you have agitation, irritation, anger, frustration, what caused the infidelity. It’s just done a chore, run an errand, or com- sadness, and despair, amongst others. wasted energy. That includes blam- pleted a call, take some time to sit I have never met anyone who hasn’t ing the third party. It won’t change and be – no noise, no music, nothing. experienced these emotions (in some anything. Silence. It is amazing how rejuvenat- blend) after the discovery of an affair • Transform your anxiety into gratitude. ing this is, and also how inspiring. – the journey to healing is often like a Gratitude transforms fear and pain into You never know what solution might roller-coaster ride. At times you may something else. When you’re in angst pop into your head when you have a feel like you’re progressing quite well, over loss or filled with fear, name five moment of silence to yourself. only to be activated by a reminder things you’re grateful for. It’s a way to and whoosh, the pain is back as if it become present with yourself and con- Manage your Thoughts and just happened. Don’t be disheartened. nected. Allow yourself time to concen- Thinking It doesn’t mean you aren’t healing: it trate on what is good and right in your means you’re normal. life – there is something in your life Clarify your priorities. Write a list of to be thankful for. Relish those things what you need to get done and then do it. Tips for Dealing with Emotions with regularity. This strategy works Remember that some things can wait, and miracles for bringing a person out of if they can’t, then get them done as soon Feel your feelings, do not ignore them. any gloomy mood. as you can – but be gentle with yourself. Left alone and unhealed, they will only • Take a break from your worries. Make make you calloused and afraid. Here are time for some feel good activities – Do the least amount of work pos- some tips for handling your emotions: anything from having a cup of coffee sible to meet your priorities. Whether it’s • Deal with your feelings head-on, the with a friend to taking the kids to the cooking dinner for the kids or getting a sooner the better. Take a strong, proac- zoo, getting a massage, or playing a report done for work, choose the simple tive stance. round of golf. Get out and about, break meal and get the report done so it cov- • Write down your thoughts and feel- the routine, and enjoy the adventures ers only what is needed. Neither of these ings in a private journal, try putting without relationship woes or discus- needs to be perfect, they just need to be your emotions to the page. A 2003 sions to contend with. completed.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 5 Give yourself permission to not make balanced and freshly made. you say, “I really don’t want to talk any important decisions right now. Most 3. Get plenty of sleep. Sleep is essen- about this now,” then assign them decisions can wait until you have sorted tial for you to function in an optimum another chore; perhaps taking care of through the emotional mess. The rela- fashion – both mentally and physi- the kids for a few hours while you spend tionship might be shaky, it might be over, cally. If you are having trouble going some time alone. They want to help, but you do not have to decide what to do to sleep because of punishing, pain- but they might not know how to – so about it just yet. If you’ve already tem- producing thoughts, try this: keep a tell them! porarily separated from your partner and journal by your bed, write down your you’re worried about financial issues, anxieties, and imagine them flowing Do not hang around sad people. then you may need to hire an attorney out of you and onto the paper. Say, Misery might love company, but to get a temporary order forbidding dis- “I fully release you and let you go. I that doesn’t do you any favors right posal of any marital assets along with give myself permission to peacefully now. You will only end up absorbing a support order if you are financially sleep.” their sadness and distress, and you have dependent. However, if you must take 4. Let yourself laugh. The simple things enough to deal with on your own. Be this route, be firm with your lawyer – tell can make you smile – time with sure to surround yourself with people him or her that this is just for your peace friends or even a child you enjoy, a who will uplift you. of mind and that you do not plan to make movie, a massage, a picnic in the park any decisions soon. or a snowball fight. Do whatever you Final Tips can do to get you out of your zone and Take Care of Yourself put a smile on your face. One smile • As much as you may feel alone right leads to another, and then to another. now, it is imperative that you are not. If someone you loved was traumatized, 5. Exercise. Exercise is the enemy • Make wise choices about who you sur- how would you take care of them? How of stress, depression, and anxi- round yourself with and be firm. would you hold them? What would you ety. It is the natural way to calm • Ask for help or talk to a friend who is be telling them? This is the time to take your body and alleviate the nega- good at listening. the energy you’ve invested into your now tive emotions that you may be feel- • Friends are there to help, even if they traumatized relationship and put some of ing. Do something physical for your don’t know it. that energy back into nurturing yourself. body every day: park far away from • Look for the silver lining, not the the entrance to the supermarket, take cloud.  Rebuild yourself from the ground up. the stairs instead of the elevator, walk Be very kind and gentle with yourself. to work. Try to get in 30 minutes of This article was Balance is the key to getting through exercise a day to raise your tempera- adapted with permis- this experience of betrayal. Practice ture and lift your mood. sion from Chatting or self-love CPR: Care, Protect, and Cheating: How to Detect Resuscitate your body, mind, and spirit. Your Relationship with Others Infidelity, Rebuild Love, Looking after your body will look after and Affair-Proof Your your mind. Surround yourself with friends. Relationship (©2012) by Don’t try to get through coping with Sheri Meyers, Psy.D. Dr. Here are five tips for you to try: unfaithfulness unaided. Friends are your Meyers is a licensed Marriage & Family 1. Do not abuse substances or medi- life support system, your allies, and your Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. A relationship, cations. Substances (drugs, alcohol, outlet. Do not try to cope with this alone. infidelity, and life-transition expert, she is cigarettes, coffee) are devastating to Spend time with friends and talk about frequently interviewed by the media. For a your body and mind. Medications everyday stuff, not just this stuff. free chapter from Chatting or Cheating, or should only ever be taken in accor- to access helpful videos and articles, visit: dance with the dosage recommended. Don’t be mistrustful of everyone. Just www.chattingorcheating.com. In times of stress it may be tempting because one person let you down does to over-medicate or abuse, but this not mean everyone will. Do not let this Related Article will only impair your sleep patterns upset cause you to become a bitter and and cause you to spiral downward angry person. Warning Signs of Infidelity into depression. Here are some of the suspicious 2. Eat healthily and regularly. Eating Set boundaries with friends and fam- signs that your spouse may be hav- well and drinking water are essential ily. It’s okay to say, “No.” Even the most ing an affair. to your body receiving the nutrients it well-intentioned person can become www.divorcemag.com/articles/ needs to function properly. Treat your- an irritation if you do not speak up. If warning-signs-of-infidelity self as if you were your own child: your best friend is too forceful in their eat good, wholesome meals that are opinions and they won’t listen when

Women’s Divorce Guide | 6 Knowing that you deserve better is the first step to recognizing you need to change your life and stop justifying your unhappiness.

Taking Stock of Your Marriage By Lisa Thomson

Choosing to end your eriously thinking about the state decision to separate. Was he abusive, marriage is one of the of your marriage involves tak- unfaithful, or did he lose all of your most difficult decisions Sing stock of your life. There is money? While these are legitimate an ongoing stereotype that women reasons to leave, they are not the only you can make, but it are the ones who get left alone by the legitimate reasons. What about the sub- may be the best choice men in their lives and they are often tle putdowns, the forgotten Valentine’s for your happiness and viewed as the victims. However, card, the ongoing choices he made to women who decide to leave and put you second, third, or last on his future. Consider that deal with the consequences in a list? These examples may seem trivial spousal neglect and the responsible manner are not victims. compared to physical abuse or infi- absence of love can be Choosing joy is a radical thought, delity, but these events make up your thus negating the existing stereotype. everyday life. And if these moments just as harmful as physi- are filled with unkind words and indif- cal forms of betrayal. It’s the Moments That Count ference, we finally realize these small moments are not so trivial. All small People will wonder if there was events, words, and moments add up. some traumatic event that led to your You begin to forget what it’s like to

Women’s Divorce Guide | 7 have someone love you, care for and father but are missing a lover, you are stay together for the kids.” But what appreciate you. Instead, you wake up missing a huge ingredient to a happy are your kids learning from your strug- every day empty and without love. relationship. gling relationship? So few of our chil- The worst part is you begin to not love dren are learning the meaning of love yourself. Knowing that you deserve better is and too many are learning to expect the first step to recognizing you need disappointment and conflict – or Taking Stock of Your Marriage to change your life and stop justifying worse, indifference. your unhappiness. Certain events, people, and unful- Also, don’t underestimate the det- filled needs may all contribute to your It’s hard to be objective in analyz- rimental effects of marital stress on unhappiness. However, when you’re in ing your marriage and life in general your physical health. It is scientifically the middle of the storm, it’s not always because you’re in the middle of it. proven that emotional stress can lower so obvious where these feelings are You start to believe your marriage and your immune system and make you coming from. Generally, the neglected the abuse – no matter how obvious or more prone to illnesses and infections. wife suffers quietly. This quiet pain subtle – is normal. Living every day Living with love and passion is only is not defined as domestic abuse but with abuse or neglect blinds you by its possible when you have your health. something much subtler and just as familiarity. Give yourself the time and Taking stock of your life, specifically devastating in the long run – neglect. consideration required to make a deci- your marriage, is not an easy thing to sion about the future of your marriage; do and may take years to accomplish. Separate the two roles your hus- try to be self-aware and refrain from It requires telling the truth to yourself band plays in your life: one as father making excuses for your spouse’s bad and listening to your inner voice – one and one as husband. If your husband is behavior or neglect. The bottom line is of the most difficult things you must a good father and consistently displays that no one can judge your life except do to live an authentic life. devotion, reliability, caring, and avail- you. You have to decide if your mar- ability to your children, then that will riage is worth saving; make the deci- True Love and Your Life continue to be of great value during sion using both your head and your separation. However, being an excel- heart. A good way to evaluate your deci- lent father should not preclude his sion to leave is to refresh your memory love for you and should not make you Consider the effect your marriage on the meaning of true love. Do you a prisoner to his neglect and rejection. is having on your kids. Many people believe in true love? What role does If you are married to your children’s believe the fallacy that they “must love play in your life?

Taking stock of your life, specifically your marriage, is not an easy thing to do and may take years to accomplish.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 8 Have you ever known a person you are inextricably drawn to by a connec- tion spanning all facets of your life? Give yourself the time and consideration required to make If this describes the love you’ve had a decision about the future of your marriage; try to be with your husband, you are lucky and maybe that love is not dead. Thinking self-aware and refrain from making excuses for your spouse’s this over carefully and identifying bad behavior or neglect. where your marriage went wrong should be your next step before ending the marriage. But if you know in your Let’s stop normalizing unhappiness in in your own life but a hero. Will the heart that you and your husband never relationships. world come to an end if you seek shared true love, then it is time for you happiness? Of course not. In making to consider moving on. You won’t be Historically, the marital institution your decision, you begin your journey able to find true love without taking a was a tool of survival; previous gen- today. Choose joy!  risk. Give yourself the chance to have erations believed that it was okay to it, experience it in all of its pain and be unhappy in it to serve the greater This article has glory, starting with loving yourself. purpose. “Until death do us part” is been adapted with unlikely in this modern age. Your deci- permission from The If you do not believe in true love, sion as a young adult may be outgrown Great Escape: A Girl’s then consider your first love as loving in your middle years. Conversely, Guide to Leaving a yourself. Leaving your marriage for maybe your decision will stick and Marriage (© 2011 someone else rarely works; however, you’ll still be in love with the partner Blossom Publishing) leaving a marriage to love and care for you chose so long ago. Nevertheless, by Lisa Thomson. Lisa yourself makes sense. you should shake the notion that your began writing this book one year after partner choice in your early 20s is a choosing to end her own marriage. In a loveless marriage, you are “must keep” until your 90s – espe- She wrote with the goal of providing taught every day by your partner how cially when your marriage isn’t work- practical tips and sharing her personal to put yourself last until you believe ing. In the event of a separation, you’ll experiences with divorce, love, law, you’re not worthy of being loved. In have to compromise some of the com- and parenting. She also offers advice leaving a loveless relationship, you forts of the marital institution, but hav- on co-parenting, budgeting, and hir- give yourself at least a chance to find ing the confidence and believing you ing a lawyer. You can read her blog at: love. Remember: if you don’t have love deserve more will make the compro- www.lisathomsonlive.com. in your life, it’s unlikely you’ll have mise worthwhile in the long run. any to give to others. Start believing in yourself today and ponder the meaning If you believe you’re entitled to of true love for you as an individual. happiness, start making changes now. Related Articles Don’t forget to believe in love and in Perpetuating the myth that marriage yourself. Think about your health and Can You Recognize Emotional is a struggle does not lead you on your what you are teaching your children by Abuse? authentic path and only serves to jus- staying in a failing relationship. Listen The people you love should make tify a bad marriage. And if marriage to your instincts. Choosing to break your life easier and add to your joy, is a struggle, how much of a struggle up your family is one of the most dif- not take away from it. is acceptable and how much is too ficult decisions you will make in your www.divorcemag.com/articles/ much? Is it too much when he puts lifetime. But once you have come to it, can-you-recognize-emotional- you down regularly or only when he it will be with certainty: certainty that abuse uses his fist to make a point with you? you are ready to embrace the changes, You can see how accepting marriage challenges, and joys of starting a new Recovering from Divorce: as a “struggle” is a slippery slope. life. Remember, you are not a victim Honoring the Truth Accepting the truth allows you to gain clarity, discover options, and make real choices. To recover from If you believe you’re entitled to happiness, start mak- divorce, you must face the truth. ing changes now. Don’t forget to believe in love and in www.divorcemag.com/articles/ yourself. recovering-from-divorce- honoring-the-truth

Women’s Divorce Guide | 9 Dealing with Friends, Family, and More During Divorce ByBy CChristinahristina Rowe

As the divorce process drags on, you n a divorce it is not just mom, dad, and the kids who are will discover that your entire range of affected. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, and friends are all drawn into the conflict. As you begin the relationships has changed. Some of divorceI process, your tendency will be to think only of your most these changes are sudden and huge; immediate world: home, children, and property. This is the core others are far more subtle. that is changing, but that can blind you to the larger world outside. Taking Sides

Whose friend is whose? Will you ever see your in-laws again? What are the fault lines of your children’s loyalties? Will any of

Women’s Divorce Guide | 10 their friendships be affected? Much – then a great deal of this is unavoid- practically anything. When a crisis of this turns on the divorce process able. In a fight, people take sides. came I knew that she would be there, itself. The nastier it gets, the more We’ve all done this with others. I backing me up, and I played the same difficult these questions become. Can believe my brother, you believe your role for her. We both shared a love: you remain friends with the couple sister. I trust my old friend, but you my husband. While that might bring that is still on good terms with your trust your old sweetheart, or your out jealousy in some women, it only ex? When you’re around them, do you golfing buddy, or your co-worker. drew us closer. After a time we shared have to watch every word you say? The one you are closer to portrays more interests: the children. We never his wife as the villain, while I believe argued. As with all issues of divorce, this every word she says about him. Both one is easier if the split is amicable. of us are only getting one side of the At one point I decided I wanted her If you and your ex are on friendly story. to live with us. I built an extension on terms, that feeling will usually extend my home and invited her to move in. to his relatives. But if things have Losing Trust Looking back, I now see my mistake. been ugly, then relationships change Things changed. Soon the old expres- radically. The bitterness in a divorce When you are divorcing, you suf- sion about “two women in the same tends to bleed into far too many other fer not only the loss of a spouse but a kitchen” rang true. parts of one’s life. whole set of people you cared about. These may be people you spoke to It took about a year, but then I saw If you have things you must fight candidly, folks with whom you shared my marriage beginning to come apart. for – children, a home, a way of life holidays and vacations. You may One night at 2 a.m., I got a call that have even thought of them as people my husband had been beat up after you would confide in about anything. leaving a nightclub. She blamed me, Suddenly they are cast into an enemy calling me “a cold wife.” She later camp, and you wish you’d never said apologized, but it was clear that there a word to them. was a side of her I’d never known. As the marriage crumbled, this side of For many of us this is the second my mother-in-law came into sharper stage of heartbreak. We don’t realize focus. Our arguments heated to the just how much the underpinnings of point where I had to call the police. our world are built on trust until sud- She said things I could not forget. denly a huge chunk of that founda- Now I wanted this woman, who I tion crumbles. Someone who always had cared so deeply for, to leave my smiled when she saw you in the super- home. Our relationship was over. market now turns away. You go to a ballgame, and can’t even talk to the I had lost my husband and now my couple sitting next to you. It affects mother-in-law too. This was my chil- everything from what parties you dren’s grandmother; others soon fol- attend to where you stop the car to lowed this break. It was what one would wait for your kids after school. It’s expect: his family lining up on his side, hard enough seeing the expressions on my family on mine. His family wel- people’s faces – it’s even worse when comed his mistress to Christmas dinner: you know they won’t even listen to a stranger in my spot. your side. You see them on the street, and know that behind their eyes are a None of this is easy on anyone. thousand false ideas and impressions. Each moment presents itself, and And there is nothing you can do or you feel each slight. For years your say to change that. life has had a rhythm and ritual that moves through the seasons, with din- For years I was close to my ners, gifts, weddings, christenings, mother-in-law. I felt like she was a and all the rites from birth through second mother to me. None of the death, along with holidays and tradi- old mother-in-law jokes or stories tions. Then a trusted in-law turns, and applied to us. We talked daily, took within days you realize that a whole trips to Atlantic City together, and world has split off, like a cliff falling went shopping. We could talk about into the sea.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 11 Go Where the Love Is for those you have lost, not just Sometimes a your spouse. Try and get to a place The easy thing to say is: “be of forgiveness or at least indifference. strong.” The most important thing child is testing When you no longer feel hate, you will to say is: “go to the friends and fam- be free. ily who have stuck with you.” When the waters, people turn against you, go to those This article has been edited and people who are true to you. Your real seeing what excerpted with permission from friends won’t ask you to spell out Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce everything, or to prove anything. They will make you (JGA Publishers) by Christina Rowe. will simply give you love. Always Christina shares her story and gives go wherever the love is. After our react. specific tips and recommendations divorce was final, things improved on how not to be taken advantage of a little. I spoke to my mother-in-law during the divorce process. Christina for the first time, and we managed to children deserve to maintain a healthy Rowe is an international authority on be pleasant to each other in front of relationship with all their grandpar- women and divorce. She champions the children. Among the rest of our ents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. a new women’s movement, provid- families some softened, while others ing psychological, legal, and spiritual are still angry. Even in the worst divorces there support for women who face the tran- has to be a time of healing and accep- sitional process of divorce. To read a So many aspects of divorce don’t tance. If you have children, you free chapter of Seven Secrets, visit end with the two of you. So many should do all you can to maintain a www.secretsofdivorce.com. others are affected. New partners civil relationship with your ex and enter the picture. Inevitably people his family. For a time you will feel look at the date you bring to dinner, all the venom that raises in a fight, Related Articles and compare. This too can be painful. but once the fight is done, don’t Remember what anyone new in your hang onto the bitterness. Think of In-laws and Outlaws life has to face in such situations. the children. When faced with some- When you get married, you also Though the comparison often works one you felt anger toward, force take on your spouse’s relatives and in their favor, being scrutinized is a smile, say hello, and be courte- friends to a greater or lesser extent. never easy. Also, there will always be ous. You may find that wounds are When you get divorced, do you those who assume that, if you made a healing. If not, you won’t have deep- have to “divorce" your spouse’s mistake once, this new one must be a ened those wounds. You don’t have to friends and family – and vice- mistake as well. Take such attitudes like anyone you don’t want to like – versa? Here are some great tips with the grain of salt they deserve. just be friendly enough to put every- for the divorcing couple – and their one at ease. families. Keep Cool and Be Civil with www.divorcemag.com/articles/in- Your Ex Forgiveness often grows out of the laws-and-outlaws small things: courtesy, a smile, and a Sometimes you hear things from pleasant word. But in the end, no mat- Your Family and Friends: Who’s your children that they heard from ter how painful, you need to do what is In Control? your ex’s friends or family. The sting best for the children. Those of you with- You should carefully assess who, seems amplified. If you hear some- out children have the luxury of walking other than yourself, might be in thing that is obviously twisted and away, but in the long run even this can control of your divorce. Here’s a wrong, you have a duty to speak up, – be a trap. While this might seem liber- description of those individuals but even then, keep cool. Sometimes ating, hurtful feelings will eventually who tend to interfere – or who can a child is testing the waters, seeing catch up with you. Unresolved anger provide great support and encour- what will make you react. Children will turn into long-term bitterness, agement throughout your divorce. do this to see how their changed spilling over into other areas of life. If www.divorcemag.com/articles/ world is settling. If you are always you find yourself well beyond a sim- your-family-and-friends-whos-in- honest with your children, and make ple, clean, childless divorce, and you control-you-or-them sure they know you are speaking out still feel hostility and anger, you may of love for them, that world will set- need counseling or just a heart-to- tle into a rhythm where everyone can heart talk with a friend. Work through live a little easier. Remember, your the loss you have experienced, grieve

Women’s Divorce Guide | 12 Your Financial Divorce Here are six financial steps women should take to prepare for divorce.

By Jeff Landers, CDFA™

he early stages of divorce are typically charac- terized by strong emotions such as betrayal, anger, shock, numbness, panic, and confusion. TRegardless of who initiated the split or how long trouble was brewing in the marriage, the decision to proceed with 3. Research Divorce Professionals divorce can still rock you to your core; and if you’re like most women, you’re now struggling with the nagging ques- Don’t attempt to tackle divorce on your own. Instead, tion, “What should I be doing to ensure the best possible take the time to build a qualified divorce team. I recommend outcome for me (and my children)?” you start with these three players: a matrimonial/family law attorney, a divorce financial advisor, and a therapist/coun- As a Divorce Financial Strategist™ who exclusively selor. Research the divorce professionals and create a short works with divorcing women across the country, my advice list of candidates for each position. Schedule interviews with is to start organizing your personal finances right away. By each top contender to make sure you are comfortable with taking a few relatively simple steps now, you’ll undoubtedly both their qualifications and their “bedside manner.” By their save yourself many serious headaches later. Here’s my short nature, divorce proceedings are extremely intimate, and it’s list of the six key financial steps you need to take as soon as essential that you feel personally at ease with every member you possibly can. of your team.

1. Collect Financial Documents 4. Open New Accounts in Your Name

As I outline in the “Divorce Financial Checklist” (starting As a single woman, you’ll need your own bank accounts on the next page), preparing for divorce requires gathering and credit cards in your name – but opening these accounts is all the relevant documents related to your bank and broker- best accomplished while you are still married. Go to a bank age accounts, credit cards, mortgages, tax returns, etc. Make where you don’t have joint accounts with your husband and copies of the year-end statements from these accounts so you open both a savings and a checking account. You’ll need can start tracking expenses, and then take all of these docu- your own credit cards as well, and starting that process now ments to a trusted friend/family member, or store them in a while you are still married is extremely important. New fed- safe deposit box that your husband can’t access. eral regulations are making it more difficult than ever for women with little or no income to establish credit on their 2. Check Your Credit Report own. So prepare yourself for the possibility that securing credit could be somewhat time-consuming and is likely to Be sure to keep a watchful eye on your credit-card state- require more than simply filling out an application or making ments, and if you haven’t already done so, request a copy of a single phone call. your credit report. Once you have the report, monitor your score carefully so you’ll be the first to know of any unusual 5. Establish Private Communication activity. (Is your husband using your joint credit cards to take his girlfriend on a getaway vacation? Can you detect From the onset of your divorce proceedings, you’ll need any other ways your husband is dissipating marital assets?) to correspond regularly with financial institutions, divorce See my article, “How To Protect Your Credit Score During professionals, and others – and you’ll want that communica- Your Divorce,” for more tips at www.bedrockdivorce.com/ tion to be private. Many women find it beneficial to secure blog/?p=85. their own post-office box for mail. (Just make sure you and

Women’s Divorce Guide | 13 perhaps a trusted friend or relative are the only ones with a key.) It’s likely you’ll also want a new, private email account and perhaps a new mobile phone, as well. (Please remem- Divorce Financial ber to reset the PINs/passwords on any of your old digital devices and accounts.) Checklist 6. Remain Vigilant

Is your husband explaining away mysterious purchases or The following is a checklist of the financial time away from home – and dissipating family assets in the informationinformation thatthat you’llyou’ll need.need. process? Is he dissipating assets through his business or pro- fessional practice? Be attentive – and if you are concerned at all about financial shenanigans by your husband, you may want to think twice about filing joint tax returns with him.

Reminder: Divorce is a journey. I know the idea of getting your personal finances in order can seem like a daunting task at first. But, as you work your way through this list, you’ll realize that with each step taken, you’ll be closer to having a stable and secure financial future as an independent woman.

Hot Tip: For many women, a comprehensive Lifestyle Analysis is an essential first step to assuming control of their personal finances. Prepared by a divorce financial advisor, a Lifestyle Analysis establishes what your standard of living was during the marriage. It reconstructs: 1. the day-to-day living expenses incurred during your mar- riage, and 2. the spending habits of both you and your husband.

The analysis will help determine how much you and your 1. Income Tax Returns. Completed personal, corporate, part- husband spent on an average basis month-to-month and year- nership, joint venture, or other income tax returns (federal, to-year, and you can use these calculations as a guide to help state and local), including W-2, 1099, and K-1 forms, in you develop a budget for yourself as a single woman/mother. your possession or control for the last 5 years, including all amended tax returns. Do you expect any tax refunds? 1A Legal Matters: A Lifestyle Analysis serves as verifi- Business Financial Statements. Net worth statement – bal- cation of net worth and the income and expense statements ance sheet or list of assets and liabilities Income statement submitted by both spouses, and it can help a judge deter- – cash flow or income and expense statement. mine the amount of your divorce financial judgment, includ- 2. Income Information. Current income information, includ- ing the amount and duration of alimony. In many divorces, a ing payroll stubs and all other evidence of income (invest- Lifestyle Analysis is required by the court.  ment property, rental/lease agreements, dividends, interest, royalties, lottery winnings, etc.) since the filing of your last This article has been excerpted from tax return. Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally 3. Personal Property Tax Returns filed in this state or any- by Jeff Landers (CDFA, CRPC). This all- where else from the start of the marriage. encompassing resource reveals every- 4. Banking Information. All monthly bank statements, pass- thing you need to know to when it comes books, check registers, deposit slips, cancelled checks, and to your divorce, helping you to start your bank charge notices on personal and business accounts, new life on a secure financial founda- certificates of deposit, and money market and retirement tion. Backed by more than three decades of accounts from banks, savings and loan institutions, credit financial experience and an education in law, Jeff founded unions, or other institutions in which you or your spouse Bedrock Divorce Advisors to advise affluent women through- has an interest. out the United States before, during, and after divorce. 5. Financial Statements submitted to banks, lending insti- www.BedrockDivorce.com tutions, or any other persons or entities, which were pre- pared by you or your spouse at any time during the last five (5) years.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 14 6. Loan Applications made within the last five (5) years. 17. Sale and Option Agreements on any real estate owned by 7. Brokerage Statements. Statements from all accounts of you either individually, through another person or entity, securities and/or commodities dealers or mutual funds jointly, or as trustee or guardian. maintained by you or your spouse during the marriage and 18. Personal Property. Documents, invoices, contracts, insur- held individually, jointly, or as a trustee or guardian. ance policies, and appraisals on all personal property, 8. Stocks, Bonds, and Mutual Funds. Certificates, if avail- including furniture, fixtures, jewelry, artwork, furnishings, able, of accounts owned by either spouse during the mar- furs, equipment, antiques, and any type of collections (coin, riage or pre-owned by you. stamps, gold, etc.), owned by you individually, jointly, as 9. Stock Options. All records pertaining to stock options held trustee or guardian, or through any other person or entity in any corporation or other entity, exercised or not exer- during the term of the marriage. You’ll also need a list of cised (include any restricted stock). personal property owned prior to your marriage as well as 10. Pension, Money Purchase Plans, Profit Sharing, personal property acquired during the marriage by gift and/ Employee Stock Option Plans, Deferred Compensation or inheritance. Agreement, and Retirement Plans (401(k), 403(b), 412(e) 19. Motor Vehicles. All financing agreements and titles to all (3), 457, military, IRA, Roth IRA, SEP-IRA, Keogh) or any motor vehicles owned by you, individually or jointly, at other kind of plan owned by you or by any corporation in any time during the last five (5) years, including airplanes, which you and/or your spouse have been a participant dur- boats, automobiles, or any other types of motor vehicles. ing the marriage, including annual statements. 20. Corporate Interests. All records showing any kind of per- 11. Wills and Trust Agreements (include any Powers of sonal interest in any corporation (foreign or domestic) Attorney, etc.) executed by you or in which you have a or any other entities not evidenced by certificate or other present or contingent interest or in which you are a ben- instrument. eficiary, trustee, executor, or guardian and from which 21. Partnership and Joint Venture Agreements to which you benefits have been received, are being received, or will be have been a party during the marriage. received and which are or were in existence during the past 22. Employment Records during the term of the marriage, five (5) years, including inter-vivos trusts. All records of showing evidence of wages, salaries, bonuses, commis- declaration of trust and minute books for all trusts to which sions, raises, promotions, expense accounts, and other you are a party, including the certificates, if any, showing benefits or deductions of any kind whether in cash, stock, such interest and copies of all statements, receipts, dis- and/or other property. All records showing any fringe ben- bursements, investments, and other transactions. efits available to you or your spouse from any business 12. Life Insurance or certificate of life insurance policies now entity including without limitation auto, travel, private air- in existence, insuring your life or the life of your spouse, craft, boat, apartment/home, entertainment, country club, and statements of the cash value, if available. health club/spa, educational, vacation pay, severance pay, 13. General Insurance. Copies of insurance policies, includ- personal living expenses, etc. ing but not limited to annuities, health, accident, disabil- 23. Employment contracts under which you or your spouse ity, casualty, motor vehicles of any kind, property liability, have performed services during the past five (5) years, including contents, and insurance owned by the parties including a list of description of any oral contracts. during the past five (5) years of the marriage. 24. Charge Account statements for the past five (5) years. 14. Outstanding Debts. Documents reflecting all debts owed to 25. Membership cards or documents identifying participation you or by you (including those cosigned by you), secured rights in any country clubs, health clubs/spas, key clubs, or unsecured, including mortgages, personal loans, credit- private clubs, associations, or fraternal group organizations card statements, promissory notes and lawsuits pending or during the past five (5) years of the marriage, together with previously filed in any court. all monthly statements. 15. Business Records or ledgers in your possession and con- 26. Judgments and pleadings in which you have been a party, trol that are either personal or business-related, together either as Plaintiff or Defendant, during the marriage, includ- with all accounts and journals. ing any Personal Injury Awards. 16. Real Property. Any deeds of property in which you and/ 27. Appraisals of any asset owned by you for the past five (5) or your spouse have an interest, together with evidence years. of all contributions, in cash or otherwise, made by you 28. Safe Deposit Boxes. Include a list of its contents. or on your behalf, toward the acquisition of such real 29. Mileage/travel awards. Provide statements of all awards estate during the marriage. Include all purchase agree- both granted and used and any dates of expiration. ments, mortgages, notes, property tax statements, rental/ 30. Anything else that you think may be an asset. lease agreements, appraisals and all expenses associated with each property. You’ll also need a list of real prop- erty owned prior to your marriage as well as real property acquired during the marriage by gift and/or inheritance.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 15 12 Financial Pitfalls of Divorce

A bit of advance planning goes a long way. By Candace Bahr (CEA, CDFA) and Ginita Wall (CPA, CFP, CDFA)

hen you divide property and income proceedings begin, the less anxiety you Pitfall #2: Too Little Preparation with your spouse, each of you will will face when the big day comes. Whave only half of what you had Divorce is a long, complicated pro- before, or perhaps less. If you don’t have If you are afraid your husband will cess that requires careful preparation. your own regular income, you will need seize your joint savings, transfer your Don’t just pack your bags, load up the money to live on until you can get an share to a new account. This money will kids, and drive away in a car that needs award of alimony or until you the divorce still be a marital asset, but at least it will four new tires. Instead, prepare by using is fi nalized and you have access to your be under your control. Be aware that this joint funds to undertake any necessary share of the marital assets. Similarly, you act of self-protection may be perceived car repairs, to pay for necessary dental will need to gather information and time by your spouse as hostile and get your work for the children, and to buy any your actions strategically. divorce off to a bad start. Do what you career clothes you will need. Otherwise, have to do to feel safe: divorce is not you’ll be paying for all of that from Pitfall #1: Not Enough Cash about good manners, it’s about survival. your share of the bank account once you leave. In divorce, everything always costs If you don’t already have a credit more and takes longer than you expect. card in your own name, apply for one Think about the timing of the separa- Expenses will begin to mushroom as at your local bank. If you have shared tion: is your husband due any bonuses soon as the divorce process starts. If you credit cards with your spouse, close out or other windfalls in the near future? If feel a split is imminent, start stashing as many as possible. If one of you contin- so, don’t separate until after they arrive, the funds you’ll need for lawyer’s fees ues to use any of those accounts after the so you can get your share. Of course, if and living expenses. The more money split, the other is still legally responsible you’re the one scheduled to get the bonus, you can set aside before the divorce for the debt. well, there’s no time like the present.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 16 Pitfall #3: No Records PHT degree (Putting Honey Through), Pitfall #6: Not Taking an Active you might be entitled to compensation Role The three most important words dur- for the expenses you paid to get your ing divorce are: document, document, spouse through school. During divorce, being uninformed document. When you divorce, you must can be very, very expensive. Learning as identify the assets that you and your A business is generally valued based much as you can and negotiating directly husband have accumulated and estab- on a combination of its net income and with your husband, if possible, will lish their value. Even if your husband assets, so you may want to engage a help you recover more quickly from the was in charge of the finances while you forensic accountant to look for telltale divorce. That is because you will have a were married, it’s now up to you to find signs of additional income or overstated healthy sense of control over the process, those records. You are entitled to your expenses. be focused on practical things, and be share of any marital property you find, working with your ex to get things done. and any additional income you discover Your spouse may try to hide assets. may increase the amount of earnings that He may collude with an employer to Taking an active role in the negotiations are used to calculate alimony and child delay bonuses or raises, arrange a false will help you to reach a better settlement support. debt repayment to a friend, or pay a than “letting the lawyers handle it.” You salary from his business to a non-existent will have less conflict and litigation after Gather as many financial records employee. Even if he does, don’t try to the divorce, better compliance from your as you can before your divorce begins. hide assets yourself. You’ll likely be ex, and better sharing of information Make a clear copy of tax returns for the found out and incur the wrath of both about the children. Don’t be a passive past three years, loan applications, wills, your ex and the judge. Your divorce observer of your own divorce. Your law- trusts, financial statements, banking infor- will be more straightforward and less yer can give you legal advice, but all of mation, credit card statements, deeds to expensive if you tell the truth and reveal the decisions are ultimately up to you. real property, car registrations, and insur- all your assets. ance policies. Also copy records that you Here are some recommendations for can use to trace your separate property, Pitfall #5: Ignoring Tax being active in your divorce: such as from an inheritance or gift from Consequences • Read a book on the divorce process, your family. These assets will remain even if you plan to use a lawyer. yours as long as you can document them. Though divorce is not a taxable event • Take a divorce class, such as you have to report on your tax return, it Second Saturday, at a local college or As you are taking stock of what your can still have tax consequences. If you’ve university. family owns, carefully inventory any owned your house for a number of years, • Share financial information related to safe deposit boxes; track down bank and it’s probably gone up in value. You are divorce with your spouse. brokerage accounts, and loans to friends probably better off selling the house while • Set appointments with your spouse and family members. Also obtain copies you and your husband still own the house to discuss specific issues. Prepare an of pay stubs, retirement and pension plan together, so you each can claim capital agenda ahead of time, meet in a neutral statements, and investments. Make a list gain exclusion. place, set the length of the meeting and of personal property, including artwork, don’t exceed it. furniture, jewelry, and computers. Another huge asset in most divorces • Take a class in negotiation skills or in are the retirement plans. Dollar for dollar, dealing with difficult people. Chances If you suspect your husband is hiding money in retirement accounts is generally are you’ll need both during this chal- cash, copies of your spouse’s business worth less than money in bank accounts, lenging time. records and business tax returns can be since retirement money will be taxable • If there is something you don’t under- a treasure map showing you where the when withdrawn. stand, ask. Don’t make assumptions or hidden assets are buried. It’s time to play jump to conclusions. super sleuth! Other assets that might have hid- den tax traps are securities that are Pitfall #7: Mixing Money and Pitfall #4: Overlooking Assets worth much more than they cost, stock Emotion options, annuities, cash value of life Small assets, such as frequent flyer insurance policies, and vacation homes. During this trying time, it’s easy to points and vacation pay, can add up. Your lawyer is well-versed in marital confuse your feelings with the facts. Try Even if you don’t want an asset, it can law, but may not know all the ins and to be as dispassionate and businesslike be used to trade for something you can outs of current tax law. Your situation as possible. View your lawyer as a paid use. Don’t overlook hobbies or side busi- may require the help of an accountant professional rather than a friend or con- nesses that might use expensive equip- to determine if you are really getting a fidante. When your grief is overwhelm- ment or generate income. If you have a good deal. ing, go home or to a friend’s house, not

Women’s Divorce Guide | 17 to your lawyer, who is billing you at an of a leaky boat on stormy seas – there divorce, you will probably need to fig- hourly rate. seems to be a new crisis at every turn. ure out a way to support yourself and Use this time of upheaval to start taking your children. Divorce is an excellent Make property division decisions control of your life. Vow never to worry time to get some career counseling at the based on your own long-term best inter- in the dark – if you can’t sleep, turn on local job center, university, or commu- ests, not out of revenge. It won’t make the light, pick up a pencil and paper, and nity college. There’s nothing like new you happy to declare war on your ex. write down your worries. Then, you can knowledge and a fulfilling career to bol- Make an effort to bring the divorce to a go back to sleep and deal with them first ster your self-esteem. successful conclusion with as little ran- thing in the morning. Listen to your cor as possible. A nasty divorce benefits lawyer, but make your own decisions. Pitfall #12: Not Getting Good only the lawyers. This is your divorce – so take control of Professional Advice the process! Pitfall #8: Not Fighting for What’s Right now, you need all the help you Yours Pitfall #10: Not Being Ready for can get! Divorce can be very compli- the Worst cated, so don’t try to do it all yourself. Women tend to be supportive and Get the best advice you can afford. Hire sensitive to the needs of others, to build During divorce, prepare yourself a lawyer who can give you excellent bridges, and to “make nice.” These ten- mentally for the worst that can hap- guidance, even if you plan to negotiate dencies often get in our way during pen. How will you cope if you have to part of the divorce yourself. Engage a divorce. Divorce is about survival, not move in with your parents? If the divorce forensic accountant if you think there making friends. You have to insist on lasts for years and you lose all of your might be hidden assets. Find a good getting what you need and deserve. Even money? If your ex remarries within two therapist to help you emotionally. Hire if you hope that you will eventually be weeks, moves to Tahiti, and refuses to a financial adviser who specializes in able to reconcile with your ex, don’t pay any support? Face the worst so what divorce to help determine the best set- bend over backwards to make it happen. actually happens will seem easy by com- tlement options for you, as well as help Stand up for yourself and get your share. parison. Don’t panic and let your fears you determine how to best invest the If you reconcile, that’s fine. If you don’t, rule your life. Face them, and take control. assets you receive in the divorce. Don’t you’ll still be able to take care of yourself skimp now on matters that will affect financially. There’s a story about an old mule that the rest of your life.  fell into a dry well. The farmer, thinking Don’t forget the four “gets” that can it wasn’t worth the trouble to get the mule This article has been trap you: out, decided to fill the well with dirt. As he excerpted from It’s 1. fighting just to get even; and his farmhands shoveled dirt into the More Than Money 2. giving up to get it over; well, the mule started to panic. But rather – It’s Your Life!: The 3. being conciliatory to get him back; than giving up, the mule shook off the New Money Club for 4. trying to get your old life back. dirt as it rained down. With each shovel- Women (John Wiley ful that came down, the mule shook it off & Sons, © 2004), co- All these “gets” trap you into old ways and then stepped up onto the accumulat- authored by Candace of being, and rob you of your ability to ing pile. “Shake it off and step up, shake it Bahr CEA, CDFA and Ginita Wall CPA, move forward as a whole person in control. off and step up, shake it off and step up,” CFP, CDFA. Ginita Wall is the origina- he repeated to encourage himself. Bit tor of the Second Saturday program, Sometimes women don’t feel entitled by bit, step by step, he fought panic and “What Women Need to Know About to a share of their husband’s retirement. kept on going. Eventually the old mule, Divorce”. Ginita is a nationally-recog- “He worked all those years and I didn’t,” exhausted but triumphant, made it to nized expert and a frequent speaker on one older woman told us. “Besides, he the top and walked right out of that the subject of women and money. She needs it because he’s almost old enough well. The moral of the story: if you specializes in advising people through for retirement, and he’s been counting on have a plan and follow it through, life transitions, including divorce and that money.” She was so busy focusing no matter how tough it gets, small widowhood. Candace Bahr is co- on his retirement, that she didn’t realize steps combined with persistence will founder of Bahr Investment Group and that her own retirement years would be eventually get you out of the hole. is known nationally as an advocate bleak, not golden, without her fair share. for women’s financial independence. Pitfall #11: Not Developing a Much of Candace’s practice centers Pitfall #9: Not Taking Control Career on helping women after the death of a loved one or an unfortunate divorce. Going through a divorce can some- Many women put their careers aside Candace and Ginita are co-founders of times make you feel like the captain to concentrate on their families. After www.Wife.org.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 18 SSTRESSTRESS BUSTERSBUSTERS

HERE ARE TEN EASY WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS DURING DIVORCE. By Dorothy Henry

ccording to the noted “Social Readjustment Rating Scale” (also known as the “Holmes and Rahe AStress Scale”), except for the death of a spouse or child, divorce produces more stress than any other life event. Divorce-related stress can seem almost unbear- able at times. Researchers have found that how you deal with it matters more than how much stress you’re expe- riencing in terms of the damaging effects it can have on your mind and body. Since how you feel physically affects how you feel emotionally (and vice-versa), you must take care of your body – but you must also learn how to adjust your mental attitude to overcome stressful periods, either through outside stimulation and activities or through your thoughts.

Here are ten stress-busting tips you can incorporate into your daily life right now.

1. Start the day right. Wake to music on a favorite CD or radio station. Allow yourself a minute or two to open your eyes, breathe deeply, and adjust to being awake. Take a precious ten minutes for quiet meditation or prayer; this can save you an enormous amount of frus- tration later in the day.

2. Breathe away your stress. Several times a day, slowly inhale through your nose, feel the air pass deep into your diaphragm, let your abdomen expand to greet it, and feel

Women’s Divorce Guide | 19 the invigoration of that fresh breath. Exhale slowly through 8. Take a hike. Researchers at West Virginia University have your mouth and imagine that you are breathing out your stress. discovered that stress is more likely to be relieved by outdoor Many experts feel the practice of deep breathing (greatly sim- than by indoor exercise. Head for a calming, restorative envi- plified here) is the basis of the relaxation response. There are ronment for walking, cycling, horseback riding, golfing, or many tapes and videos that train you to breathe healthfully. tennis. Choose to exercise when your physical energy level is at its highest – if you punish your body with push-ups when 3. Hang on to your humor. What you’re going through now it’s tired, your mind could go into a stress-spin. may not seem very funny, but that’s no reason to lose your sense of humor. This is the time to maintain a sane perspec- 9. Garden of Eden. The healing power of gardens has long tive, and exploring what you find funny will help. Look for been known: a hospital in Padua has a medicinal garden dat- the ridiculous and incongruous rather than the tragic in your ing back to the 16th century, and the Friends Hospital Garden life. Limit your exposure to negative/sad people whenever in Philadelphia dates back to Colonial times. Stroll through possible. a public garden to relieve stress, or become a gardener your- self – you may find that while you nurture the garden, it nur- 4. Keep in touch with those you care about. Pick up the tures you. Gardening brings not only solace and satisfaction phone and chat with a congenial friend or relative: suddenly but daily excitement as seeds shoot into plants and buds into you’re not isolated with your problems any longer. Send an flower and fruit. Allow yourself to fully enjoy the sights, e-mail or card to an old friend. sounds, and smells that you share with the birds and butterflies as you dig and water. 5. Don’t neglect your spiritual life. Renew or create ties with the spiritual institution of your choice – whether it be church, 10. Go back to the water. If you have access to a hot tub, synagogue, or Zen temple. (Don’t choose one that doesn’t pool, lake, or the sea, use it. If you’re stuck on dry land, pam- sanction divorce – or will shame you rather than support you.) per yourself at home with a 20-minute bath. If your muscles Music and ritual, together with the act of group worship or are sore from exercise, throw some Epsom or sea salts into meditation, can bring you peace and deep satisfaction. warm – not scalding hot – bathwater. For a truly sybaritic experience, try aromatherapy or herbal oils offered by retail- 6. Try a therapeutic massage. Massage therapy is the manip- ers such as The Body Shop. Light a few candles, turn off the ulation of the soft tissues of the body for a therapeutic effect. lights, and wash your troubles down the drain.  It’s recommended for general relaxation and stress reduction, back and neck pain, headaches, and athletic injuries. If you’re Dorothy Henry knows all about stress: after separating on a tight budget, some clinics offer student massage therapy from her husband, she raised two teenagers while teaching at reduced rates. high-school English and math.

7. Turn off the TV and computer. An evening of television or surfing the ’net can actually be stressful. Consciously limit Related Articles the amount of time you spend watching: choose the shows that Beating Stress – Before it Beats You interest you, watch them, then turn off the set and walk away. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events you can Walking away is also a good strategy if others want to watch a experience, but there are some valuable remedies – both show that doesn’t appeal to you. Here are some relaxing alter- physical and mental – you can use to reduce your anxiety natives to TV/Internet: levels. • Music. Experiment with soothing music, such as the “Music www.divorcemag.com/articles/beating-stress-before-it- for Relaxation” collection (available on the London label), beats-you or try something like Gregorian chant (try Jan Garbarek’s “Officium”). Tired of your own CDs? Try a swap with a friend. There are also some good apps and Internet radio Coping With an Emotional Divorce stations with peaceful music and sounds of nature to help Strategies to help you unpack your emotional baggage, you relax or sleep. take a step away from the past, and move forward. • Books. Save a book for a time when you’re unlikely to be www.divorcemag.com/articles/coping-with-an- interrupted, settle down in a comfortable chair with a drink emotional-divorce that cheers but doesn’t inebriate, and lose yourself in another world. Background music shouldn’t compete with the book Take Care for your attention. (A precocious five-year-old boy we know Nurturing your body through the stresses of separation recently asked his family to “Be quiet, please: I can’t hear and divorce is absolutely vital. my book.”) Audio-books on can help ease the stress of your www.divorcemag.com/articles/take-care daily commute. And read to your kids: this is a wonderful, inexpensive family activity they will never forget.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 20 hen contemplating divorce, you will likely experi- Your friends and family may have perpetuated your denial ence a series of different emotions along what I call by telling you to ignore your feelings and stop being so picky, Wthe “grief progression”. or, not knowing what you have been through up to this point, that it’s just a passing phase. At this point, you already may have completed at least one cycle of grieving, which often accompanies the initial realiza- Your response to such notions may be anger, fear, or both. tion that your spouse is not the person you hoped he or she was You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster, or would become. Regardless of the outcome of this decision- spending your energy bargaining with your spouse or strug- making process, you will likely experience more cycles of grief gling to reclaim the past. Because the nature of this phase is as you continue through it. to protest, it is by far the most exhausting phase of the grief progression, causing you to expend great amounts of energy This is not necessarily a linear process, so your fighting reality and trying to stop feeling the emotions may bounce you from one stage to negative emotions. another, or you might even feel as if you’re in two stages at the same time. Because you will experience this same cycle on many levels at different stages in your con- templation process, I suggest that you refer back to this grief progression often. You may find it comfort- ing, especially at times when you question yourself the most.

Phase 1: Initial Loss

You may have felt a sense of being stunned when you got the first real inkling that your spouse was not who you thought or hoped he or she was, or that the marriage was not what you hoped it would be. The initial feelings can be shock, disbelief, and numbness.

It’s not uncommon to try to shut down the shock that comes with grief and loss. This shutting down is what leads to disbe- lieving or denying what is happening, and pos- sibly even becoming numb. You may effectively THE say to yourself, “This can’t be real” or “If I don’t see it, maybe it will go away!” These instinctual reactions attempt to protect you by helping you avoid your current unpleasant reality. Phase 2: Protest GRIEF When you began to open up to the idea that you might not be PROGRESSION with your spouse forever after all, you may have tried to negate your feelings by telling yourself that you were imagining things By Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW or were simply focusing too much on your spouse’s negative aspects. You may not have wanted to let go of your dream of While there are certain commonalities to living happily ever after. You may have wished it could all be dif- all grieving processes, each person has a ferent and that circumstances would change so that you wouldn’t different experience of grief and loss from have to. It has likely made you frustrated and sad, and even made change. you angry that you couldn’t get back the innocence or harmony that your marriage once enjoyed.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 21 Phase 3: Despair change your spouse or some aspect In either case, you will have a renewed of your situation. In this detachment excitement for life, new insights, and In the despair phase, you’ve reached phase, in essence, you resign yourself increased strength; you’ll feel that you a deeper level of pain and realized that to the fact that you cannot control any- have something to look forward to. Unlike you can no longer stay in the unhealthy or one but yourself, so you stop caring the previous stages of the grief progres- unfulfilling environment. This stage moves so much and focusing on people and sion, when your negative emotions drain you further into sadness, which, more than things outside yourself. you, these new, positive emotions will any other emotion, may make you feel out propel you forward with new energy. of control. However, this sadness abso- Such detachment is a normal and lutely needs acknowledging, regardless of healthy response to this type of situation. As much as you may want to, you your final decision about whether to stay One benefit of this coping mechanism is can’t skip any of the five stages of the married or get divorced. You are grieving that you conserve your energy. It is a form grief progression. You may certainly have the loss of the idea of whom you thought of self-preservation in the sense that con- your own version of each phase, but you you were married to or the dreams your tinuing to work too hard or care too much will have to pass through each one. marriage represented to you. about a situation would surely make you burn out. Instead, you begin to go within The more you can surrender to expe- Following your initial sadness, your and assess how you can meet your own riencing the emotions accompanying thoughts may be something like this: needs instead of trying to get others to the grief progression, the smoother your “It really is as bad as I feared. I’ve tried meet or understand your needs. divorce-contemplation process will go. everything I know to work on the rela- Most people compound their difficult emo- tionship and improve things between us, Those close to you may resist your tions by creating an added story line. The but I can’t force change. I’m deeply sad- growth, but when you disengage from story, or meaning, you give the event then dened and angry that my partner isn’t act- unhealthy people or dynamics, and causes a whole new set of potentially det- ing like a partner and that this relationship instead focus on what you can change, rimental emotions, because all such emo- is not as I would have it be.” you gain strength. You will need this tions require energy, which explains the strength to move into the next phase, exhaustion you experience when you’re in You’re probably restless, preoccupied which entails setting new goals for a highly emotional state. This second set of with grief, and uncertain what to do next. yourself. In all likelihood, once you are emotions further saps your time, energy, You may even feel as if your world were on the other side of that phase, you will and resources to process the feelings, but falling apart. Your inability to make the resume closer-to-normal interactions with because these additional emotions are situation any better may make you feel others. based on an invented story line, the energy disempowered and hopeless. Adding sad- you use to feel them is wasted.  ness to the difficult emotions of anger, Phase 5: Reorganization restlessness, uncertainty, and hopeless- This article has been edited and ness that you were already experiencing Although I mentioned that this grief pro- excerpted with permission from the book can be particularly draining. gression is not necessarily linear, the reor- Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step ganization phase (characterized by the more Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go At this stage in the grief progression, positive emotions of happiness, inner peace, (New Harbinger Publications, 2008) by because you are so deeply entrenched in acceptance, optimism, and joy) can’t fully Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW. Susan is the trying to figure out the next steps, you occur unless you have passed through founder and executive director of the will not be fully present. You may be par- the earlier phases. It makes sense that you Transition Institute of Marin, an agency ticularly vulnerable to injuries, illnesses, won’t begin to feel good again until you that provides coaching, therapy, and and accidents from your inability to focus either accept your current reality as it is or workshops to people who are at some on the current moment. make a firm decision to create the necessary stage of marital dissolution, in the greater changes to get where you want to be. The San Francisco Bay Area. Phase 4: Detachment happiness you may experience here will be the springboard into the next chapter of your Related Article The principal reaction you will expe- life. rience in the detachment phase is with- Divorce and Grief drawal from normal social contact and Projecting into the future is required A interview with Russell Friedman, interaction with others. This is a time to at this stage, as you start planning what’s executive director of The Grief go within and put your needs above those next, with or without your spouse. As Recovery Institute and co-author of of everyone else around you. a couple, you either move on together The Grief Recovery Handbook. and work on the marital issues, or split www.divorcemag.com/articles/divorce- Prior to this phase, you may have spent up and begin your new lives as single and-grief an inordinate amount of energy trying to individuals.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 22 MOVING BEYOND YOUR DIVORCE: ACCEPTANCE By Shelley Stile Eleven steps to help a divorced woman move on with her life.

here is no single more power- ful stumbling block to mov- ing beyond our divorce into Ta new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hard- est part of the divorce-recovery pro- cess. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage, and the willingness to let go of the life that we had – a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life.

How does one learn acceptance? Although it takes time and a good deal of inner work, it can be done. Here is a step-by-step guide to move you towards acceptance.

1. It’s About You, Not Them

One of the most powerful lessons in life is the knowledge that we have control over one person and one person only: ourselves. If you are looking outside of yourself to move forward, you won’t. We can’t change anyone except our- selves. We have power over no one except ourselves. It is when we turn inward and do the work on ourselves that we will be able to effect dramatic and positive changes in our lives.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 23 Being a victim means giving away experience. They are the norm versus it actually is, versus a story about our all control and power. If I blame some- the exception. Each one of these feel- divorce. one else for my situation, then I am ings needs to be embraced and experi- powerless to do anything about it as I enced fully. There must be an ending Once we have been honest and have have chosen to absolve myself of any before a new beginning. embraced all the facts about our divorce, responsibility. we are free to accept full responsibility There is a difference between fully for our lives. Responsibility is power We can create changes that will experiencing an emotional stage and and the freedom to choose what we make our lives better, but not until we getting stuck in it. Beware excessive want next in life. If we cannot take stop trying to change our ex or our cur- self-pity and real depression. Here is responsibility, we remain victims, and rent reality and realize that it’s about us, where support becomes important to victims absolve themselves of both not them. your well-being and improvement. their responsibility and therefore the power to control their own lives. 2. Get Support 4. Distinguish Between Facts and Interpretations 6. Learn the Difference Between If you think you can do this all What is and What You Think by yourself, you may be in for a I cannot stress the importance of this Should Be big surprise. Research consistently step enough. People get stuck when shows that getting support in any they cannot face the facts and prefer to If we are living in a Neverland of challenging endeavor leads to more believe that their personal interpreta- what we think should be, we are com- success. Whether you choose a divorce- tions are reality. You might be familiar pletely cut off from reality or what is. support group, a therapist, a member of with the exercise of the picture that has If you think that you should not have to the clergy, or a Life Coach, just do it. a hidden image within it. Ten people be experiencing divorce, then you can- may come up with ten different inter- not accept what is: that you are indeed If you are one of those people who pretations of the picture. Some people getting divorced. You live in a world of think that you have to handle life’s chal- will see the hidden image immediately, your own. lenges on your own because somehow and others will never see it until it is you equate support with weakness, get pointed out to them. Either way, the We all create a list of should-be’s over it! Getting support is a sign of hidden picture exists. It is a fact. that keep us stuck in the status quo: I intelligence, as far as I’m concerned, as should be happier, I should be getting well as an indication that you really are You may feel that you have been more support, I shouldn’t have to work, serious about moving onward in life. mentally abused and yet your partner I should still be married. By concentrat- may feel that you are the one that is ing on what we should be, we ignore 3. First, You Must Get Through abusive. He said, she said. Probably what actually exists for us and remain the Initial Stages of Loss a counselor will see a totally different stuck. picture altogether. You know, there’s Those stages include denial, grief, your side, his side, and then the truth. I think we should live in a world anger, depression, and whatever else Once you are truthful with yourself and where peace is the predominant ethic, you might be feeling early in the divorce can see the facts versus the drama or but we don’t live in that world. That’s process. These emotions are all natural story of your divorce, you will be on a dream I have. By acknowledging and necessary states that we need to your way to acceptance. the world as it truly exists, I can make choices as to how I will live my life and 5. Be Brutally Honest and also how to address the problems that Take Responsibility for Your do exist. Marriage, Divorce, and Life One of the most 7. Consider the Emotional powerful lessons in Those of us who can be totally hon- Wounds that You Brought to the est with ourselves will receive the gift Marriage life is the knowledge of a deep awareness of who and what that we have control we are, along with the ability to accept Your ex may complain that you our lives as they are, without looking were not a warm person. I doubt over one person and to blame someone else. Being hon- that it was your marriage that cre- one person only: est allows us to see things that hadn’t ated a cold person, if indeed that is existed for us before. The truth will what you are. We bring ourselves ourselves. indeed set you free. By setting aside our into our marriages, and the parts of egos, we can look at our life for what us that show up and create issues

Women’s Divorce Guide | 24 are the parts of us that we have not mean things, it does not mean you are a another step toward a successful recov- addressed yet. They are emotional bad person, it’s just a lapse in judgment. ery from the trauma of divorce. wounds from somewhere in our We are not necessarily our behavior. We past, and they have a tendency to know all the subconscious motivations Successful divorce recovery takes pop-up in our close relationships that exist within every individual. If we inner work. Much like a flower, the or when we are faced with challenging look at the inner child within a person, work that takes place under the ground, times. forgiveness is a given. invisible to the human eye, is the crucial aspect. Without that subterranean work, Now is your chance to address 10. Make Conscious Decisions; there would be no flower. The reward those wounds and heal them so that Utilize Free Choice of the flower depends on the inner work you do not repeat your so-called of the seed and the root system. It is the mistakes again. Use your divorce When you do the inner work of same with humans. Do the inner work, as a catalyst to go inside and heal divorce recovery, you tend to attend and you’ll see the outer rewards. yourself. to many things that have been unre- solved for years. You become more Shelley Stile is a Divorce Recovery 8. Release Toxic Emotions conscious of your actions and Life Coach who specializes in work- your choices. You become aware ing with women looking to let go of the Get rid of the debilitating toxic emo- of the subconscious and how it pain of their divorce and create new tions that you are carrying around. can run your life. When you learn to and vibrant lives. Shelley works with Picture them as heavy baggage that observe the constant mind-chatter clients on the telephone, so you can be keeps you stuck in your misery and pro- that goes on inside your head, you learn anywhere and get coaching. She also duces a broken back. Anger, bitterness, that the mind-chatter is not you – it’s holds teleseminars and publishes hatred, resentment, rage – these are all just chatter. powerful e-books on life after divorce. toxic emotions that will harm you far She is a member of the International more than your ex. You are the one Making conscious decisions based Coaches Federation, the govern- who pays the price. You need to work in free choice means that we are not ing body for Life Coaching. Shelley through them and then release them, letting our mind-chatter, our past, our trained with the Coaches Training because they will weigh you down for emotional wounds, or our interpreta- Institute and the Ford Institute the rest of your life if you allow it. tions of reality run the show. We take for Integrative Coaching’s Spiritual control of our lives. Conscious living Divorce Recovery. For more informa- Once you have done the work of allows for incredible freedom and the tion on her Divorce Recovery Coaching, truth versus interpretations, and what is ability to create extraordinary changes. visit: www.changecoachshelley.com. versus what should be, you will find it much easier to give up your anger and 11. Find the Gifts of Your resentment. They do not serve you, and Divorce Related Articles you are learning to give away anything Life after Divorce: The Power of that does not serve you well. Everything that occurs in our lives Acceptance and everything that we are (warts and Acceptance is the most important all) has a hidden gift. If you speak to 9. Learn Forgiveness for and most difficult step we must someone who has survived divorce Yourself and Your Mate take toward releasing the past and and has gone on to create a vibrant beginning a new chapter of life You might not be able to practice for- life based upon their own passions and www.divorcemag.com/articles/life- giveness in the early stages of the jour- values, they will certainly tell you that after-divorce-the-power-of-acceptance ney to recovery, but if you go through their divorce was the best thing that these other steps, you will be able to happened to them. That may not be true Divorce Recovery: Acceptance of forgive your ex, and more importantly, for you, but there is a gift waiting for What Was and What Is yourself. Forgiveness takes a big load you to find. My ex likes to say that he Acceptance is the key to moving on off your shoulders. It releases energy is responsible for my new career, and after a divorce. This comes in two that can be used for positive things. to a certain extent, he has played a part. stages: firstly, accepting the mar- Often it takes a good whack on the head riage is over and secondly, accept- Forgiveness does not mean that to awaken us to life’s possibilities and ing what life is now.. you condone bad behavior – it simply our own happiness. www.divorcemag.com/articles/divorce- means that you forgive it. If we sepa- recovery-acceptance-of-what-was-and- rate the person from the behavior, it The old adage – “Every cloud has a what-is becomes easier to forgive. You know silver lining” – is true. Search for the that just because you sometimes say gifts of your divorce, and it becomes yet

Women’s Divorce Guide | 25 BEFORE YOU GIVE UP: Reconciliation Strategies That Work

By Erica Manfred

If you’re still making some effort – no matter how last-ditch – to save your mar- riage, you need to have some solid information about marriage counseling: what works, what doesn’t, and what to try before you give up.

f you’ve already been to marriage is no, you’ll get more than a few raised I am still wrestling with the what-ifs counseling that didn’t work, you’re eyebrows, the implication being that when it comes to my marriage. What if Inot alone. Before ending a marriage, you’re a quitter. Unfortunately, few I had known about Harville Hendrix’s there’s a social expectation that you couples get to counseling in time to Imago Therapy, or Emotionally should try counseling, if only to fend off actually save their marriages. Often it’s Focussed Therapy, or John Gottman’s the disapproval when your friends and more like the last rites for the marriage. workshops before my marriage wound family ask if you tried it before splitting Even fewer people fi nd the right kind up on the rocks? Maybe we could have up. Unless alcohol or abuse is involved, of marriage counseling – the kind that rescued it. Unfortunately, I learned they will ask, guaranteed. If the answer actually saves marriages. what works too late. I hope to give you the information I didn’t have. When it comes to a long marriage, there are so many good reasons to save it rather than Few couples get to counseling in time to actually ditch it. save their marriages. Often it’s more like the last All marriage counselors agree that rites for the marriage. Even fewer people find the the earlier the better when it comes right kind of marriage counseling – the kind that to counseling. I truly believe some marriages can be brought back from actually saves marriages. the brink of death if there is some

Women’sWoWomen’s DiDDivorcevoorce GuGuideide | 2266 motivation left on both sides and you mental health clinic and see a counselor issues that have to be uncovered first for and he are willing to make a good- who may or may not have a degree or counseling to work. faith effort. Sometimes, even if there is training in marriage counseling. The real- an affair going on, certain approaches ity is that marriage counseling is very dif- “Most counselors miss the inten- might work. ferent from psychotherapy – the therapist tion,” my friend and couples therapist should have certain skills. Those without Wendy Wynberg, MSW, told me. “The What is Good Marriage this training often take a mechanistic counselor first needs to establish what Counseling? approach. They think couples are having each member of the couple expects a communication problem, or a particular from the marriage. You can’t just work Unfortunately, most couples in trou- conflict that needs to be resolved, instead on the details. First you need to see ble just haul themselves off to the local of addressing the deep-seated, underlying the forest and then work on the trees.”

MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH A TRACK RECORD

RETROUVAILLE JOHN GOTTMAN Retrouvaille involves one intense weekend and six follow-up If your husband, like a lot of men, thinks marriage counsel- sessions in a classroom setting. It’s inexpensive, which is why ing won’t help, that it’s unproven or softheaded, try a Gottman I sought it out. The program is run by volunteers, peer couples workshop or therapist. “Gottman’s approach works well with who have saved their own marriages through Retrouvaille. guys because it’s logical, research-driven, and backed up by The stories they tell about their own marriages are riveting, statistics,” says Mike McNulty, Ph.D., a Chicago psychother- and when you hear them, you believe the program can work. apist, couples counselor, and consultant with the Gottman Listening to actual people who’ve experienced all the pain you Institute. A Gottman workshop, like Retrouvaille, also involves have and have managed to get through it has an immediacy the couple talking only to each other, so there is no need that professional marriage counseling lacks. There is no preach- for your husband to feel threatened about having to reveal ing of religion during Retrouvaille, but it does have a spiritual his feelings to strangers. aspect. It’s also very effective when one member of a couple, John Gottman studied couples for 15 years, including usually the man, feels uncomfortable opening up to a marriage some 700 couples whom he followed over time to fi nd out who counselor. In Retrouvaille, the couple communicates only with were what he calls the masters of marriage and who were the each other, and there’s no need to reveal anything to the group. disasters of marriage. Dr. Gottman claims to have devel- oped a method that predicts, with 90% accuracy, which IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY will remain married and which will divorce four to six years Imago was started by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Get- later. Using what he learned from observing marriages that ting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. Basically work, Gottman came up with the concept of the sound re- Hendrix believes we all suffer from childhood wounds. Even lationship house and the seven principles that make mar- those of us with the happiest childhoods had many needs that riages work. went unmet by our caretakers. Every unmet need makes us feel scared. Attachment is a basic human need, one of the fi rst to EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY emerge as we grow. Then the need to explore evolves, then the A relatively new entrant into the couples’ therapy arena, impulse to establish a sense of identity, competence, concern, Emotionally Focused Therapy claims a very high success rate. and intimacy. Each stage builds on the last, but any impairment It was developed in Canada by Dr. Sue Johnson, director of interrupts our ability to move on to the next stage. the Ottawa Couples and Family Institute. Its research shows Hendrix would tell you, despite all your best intentions, your that 70% of couples become satisfi ed with their marriage for at unconscious will pick the very man who most resembles Daddy least three years after Emotionally Focused Therapy, including or Mommy or both, whoever failed to give you what you needed the most at-risk couples. Emotionally Focused Therapy is short- in childhood. Since in order to feel okay, you need to repair the term therapy that should take about twenty sessions. If you damage infl icted on you as a child, your unconscious need is agree, as I do, that marriage counseling has been too focused not to fi nd Mr. Right, who will give you everything you never on just changing behavior rather than discovering the under- got as a child, but Mr. Not-So-Right and sometimes Mr. Totally lying causes of it, Emotionally Focused Therapy may be for Wrong, because you can only get your feelings of aliveness and you. It’s a very psychoanalytic approach that concentrates on wholeness restored by someone who reminds you of that inad- discovering what’s going on underneath the negative emotional equate caretaker. cycles that destroy marriages.

Women’s Divorce Guide | 27 Wendy asks couples to relate what Unfortunately, where you can find lists of therapists their marriage would be like if it were all over the country trained in the par- a movie, to discover what their fantasy most couples in ticular method. Instead of searching marriage is. She often finds that couples trouble just haul the Yellow Pages, call the therapists are in two separate marriages. After in your community who are trained in each describes their ideal vision this themselves off to one of the specific types of therapy that way, she asks why they want the mar- appeals to you and your husband. If riage to work. Only at that point does the local mental there’s more than one, talk to a few and she explore what’s non-negotiable and health clinic and pick whomever seems the most person- what each can compromise on. None ally compatible. of the counselors we visited ever asked see a counselor those kinds of questions. who may or may This article has been edited and Seek counseling if: not have a degree excerpted from the • You actually still love the guy and he book He’s History loves you. or training in You’re Not; Surviving • You think he is willing to work with marriage Divorce After Forty you in therapy. (Globe Pequot Press) • You think his affair will blow over and counseling. by Erica A. Manfred. you’re willing to wait. This book shows you how to navigate • He has remorse for what he’s put you the rocky path of divorce with informa- through. tion and advice from experts as well as • You want to give it one last try. clinician should be able to explain what other divorced women. Erica Manfred his or her model is all about. Then think has written for Cosmopolitan, New Split if: about the fit. Are you and your husband York Times Magazine, Ms., Parenting, • He’s abusive, verbally or otherwise. comfortable with this person, do you Woman’s Day, and Bottom Line/ • He’s in love with the girlfriend and both feel a connection?” Personal. www.ericamanfred.com plans to marry her. • He doesn’t care about your feelings. Some Questions to Ask • He’s willing to go to counseling only • Are you trained in marital therapy? Related Articles because you drag him. Where did you get your training? • What approach do you use? A sea- Exclusive interview with How to Find the Right Counselor soned clinician should be able to Relationship Expert Harville explain what his or her model is all Hendrix, Ph.D. A New York Times study of the out- about. Harville Hendrix, one of North comes of marital therapy showed that • What’s your rate of success? America’s leading authorities on 25 percent of couples are worse off after • Can you give us an assessment of our communication and relationships, ending two years of marital counseling marriage and the chances of saving it? talks about why we fall in and out than they were when they started; and of love; how to heal yourself after a after four years 38 percent are divorced. Pay attention to whether or not the divorce; and how to talk – and lis- therapist has shown any insight into ten – powerfully. These grim statistics are actually what makes the two of you tick. The www.divorcemag.com/articles/ not set in stone if the couple finds an counselors we went to all seemed clue- exclusive-interview-with- experienced therapist with an effective less about the dynamics between us. relationship-expert-harville-hendrix approach. Some approaches, such as Emotionally Focussed Therapy, claim a There are several types of couple’s Exclusive Interview with success rate as high as 75 percent. therapy that have good track records Relationship Expert Barbara De and specific theories that underlie their Angelis, Ph.D. How do you find a good marriage particular method. Therapists who use One of North America’s leading counselor? “Shop around,” says Dr. these approaches don’t just work hap- relationship experts, Barbara De Michael Zentman, director of New hazardly, but have a specific set of Angelis shares her secrets for liv- York’s Adelphi University post-gradu- tools they use with all couples. A few ing a life full of joy and passion. ate program for marriage and couples have books written by their founders www.divorcemag.com/articles/ therapy. “Ask if the person is trained in that you can read to find out about the exclusive-interview-barbara-de- marital therapy. Meet them. Ask about approach before you try it. Even more angelis the approach they use. A seasoned importantly, they all have Web sites

Women’s Divorce Guide | 28 • revenge fantasies just don’t excite you anymore; • you’ve noticed that days/weeks/months go by when you don’t think of him at all.

How long will this take? Well, the answer is: “It depends.” If the divorce was your choice, you may having been emotionally moving out of the relationship for months or even years before you asked your ex for a divorce. Assuming you have done the work to move yourself to a good place, emotionally – including grieving the death of your marriage, taking responsi- bility for the part you played in its death, learning the lessons the offered by your failed relation- ship – you could be ready to date again quite soon.

If, however, you were blind- sided – you thought your rela- tionship was OK, but he had an affair, or you came home to Prep ring to a note sating he didn’t love you anymore and had moved out – then you have a lot more work to do before you should even think of bringing someone new into your D TE life. A If you have truly laid your gain By Diana Shepherd last relationship to rest, con- gratulations! Assuming you’re interested in doing so, you may When are you ready to start dating again after be ready to dip your toes back into the dating pool. There may be one more crucial obstacle to hurdle first, however: your the breakup of your marriage? The answer is relationship with yourself. different for everyone, but you need to ensure you’re past the “walking wounded” stage During and after divorce, your self-esteem can take a real beating – especially if the split was your ex’s idea. If you don’t before you should even think about dating. think you’re a pretty great person with lots to offer the world (at least most of the time: no one can maintain this level of self- confidence and perkiness 24/7), you need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem before you go out in search of a new soulmate.

lthough it may be tempting to try to jump back into You may have heard that you have to love yourself before A a relationship to fi ll the void left by the breakdown others will love you. Although this is a very good idea, it isn’t, of your marriage, you need to make sure you’re past strictly speaking, true. Even if you totally despise yourself, you the “walking wounded” stage before you should even think can always dig up a few poor souls willing to love you – or at about dating again. Here are some clues to let you know if least, start a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship with you. you’re really ready to start dating: If the sucker you’ve attracted is a genuinely nice person, you’ll • the thought of your ex no longer generates intense feelings end up despising him. “After all,” you think, “I am a completely of anger, hatred, or grief; unattractive, useless excuse for a human being. If this person • you no longer feel the need to talk about him/her ad nau- loves me, he must be a total idiot. What a loser: choosing some- seam to whoever will listen; one as awful as me!” The only person you’ll fall for is someone

Women’s Divorce Guide | 29 willing to treat you as the waste of space you consider yourself • What’s the worst thing about me? to be. Unless you’re an emotional masochist, this is not going to • Is there anything/anyone I’d die for? be a rewarding relationship. Don’t go there! • What situations do I find intolerable? • Do I want children in my life? The first thing to do is to restore your self-confidence to a • Do I have deep religious convictions? healthy level. (For more about how to do this, read “Recovering • If money were no object, what would I be doing with my Your Self-Esteem” at www.divorcemag.com/articles/recover- life? ing-your-self-esteem). At the same time, you should work on • If it were impossible to fail, what would I be doing with my discovering your new, single identity. One of the opportunities life? offered by divorce is the chance to re- invent yourself: either as the person Don’t edit: just because you’ve never been you were before marriage, or the rock-climbing doesn’t mean you aren’t person you’ve always wanted to One of the opportunities offered by interested. And don’t look to your past be. You need to find out who you divorce is the chance to re-invent relationship for clues: “Well, my ex are now before you can start yourself: either as the person you were always said Keith Urban was our favor- looking for someone to date. ite musician, so I guess I like Keith before marriage, or the person Urban.” It’s perfectly OK to like Keith Who are You? you’ve always wanted to be. Urban –just make sure it’s your own You need to find out who choice, not your ex’s. During your marriage, you you are now before you probably made some accommoda- If you do this exercise right – with tions and compromises for the sake can start looking for affection and a genuine desire to uncover of the relationship. Let’s say you used someone some of those dreams you suppressed during to love to dance/ski/go white-water rafting, to date. your marriage – you’re sure to learn that you’re a but your mate strongly disapproved, so you pretty darned interesting person. You may find there’s stopped doing those things. And maybe your a new spring in your step and smile on your face. You won’t husband thought golf was the only game worth give people tacit permission to treat you like a doormat because playing, so you’ve been playing golf for the last 10 you know you’re not a doormat: you’re a person who likes bun- years. You now need to look at how you choose to gee jumping, SCUBA diving on the Great Barrier Reef, and you spend your time and make new decisions based on your own play a pretty great hand of Bridge! desires. If your ex was exceptionally controlling, you may no longer even know what you like. So it’s time to get to know Another interesting side effect of getting to know this fabu- yourself again. lous person who’s been hiding inside you is that you’ll discover you no longer desperately need to find a new romantic partner Pretend that you’re a fascinating person that you’ve just met this very minute. You’re no longer a blank canvas waiting for and would like to get to know better. Ask yourself some ques- someone to come along and paint a beautiful picture – to make tions. Start small, then work up to the big stuff. For instance: you whole. In other words, you aren’t needy. • Do I prefer the Justin Timberlake or Adam Levine? • What are the ten books, CDs, and DVDs I’d want to have if And when you’re not needy, the world’s your oyster – and stranded on a desert island? incidentally, you tend to attract a better class of mate. • What are my feelings about modern art? • Would I rather go bowling or rock-climbing? A word of warning: not everyone in your life will like the • As a romantic gift, would I prefer a personal love poem and new, self-confident you. Some of them may prefer you remain a flowers, or diamond earrings? spineless doormat. Insist these people start treating you with the • Would I ever consider cosmetic surgery? respect a fabulous person like you is entitled to, or drop them. • Do I run regularly – even if no one’s chasing me? Really! You need all the positive reinforcement you can get, so • Am I really a “foodie” or are my tastes more “plain Jane” prune those Negative Nellies and misery-makers from your life. when it comes to eating out? Your true friends will think you’re marvelous, and they’ll be • Do I prefer salsa dancing to the foxtrot? thrilled to see you blossoming. • Would I ever enter a talent competition? • How do I feel about parachuting? Meeting Mr. Right • Would I ever buy a $3 bottle of wine? How about a $100 bottle of wine? Now that you’re emotionally ready to meet your soulmate, • What makes me really angry? you have to find him/her. Here’s a hint: he probably isn’t sit- • What makes my heart sing? ting on your sofa waiting to watch Grey’s Anatomy with you. • What’s the best thing about me? So you’re going to have to leave your comfort zone and put

Women’s Divorce Guide | 30 yourself out there. This doesn’t mean you have to start hanging you may succeed in captivating the most interesting person out at singles bars or attending political rallies (unless you like in the room. Isn’t that worth the risk of a bruised ego? these sorts of activities). Slowly begin to do things you like that • Be interesting. To charm an interesting person, you need will also get you out of the house and meeting new people. Start to be interesting. So disconnect the TV and get out there. taking art, dance, cooking, stand-up comedy, or car-repair les- Push your physical and emotional boundaries: whether that sons; take up tennis, golf, rollerblading, or skiing; go to parties means trying skydiving or yoga. Also, reading some great – even if you don’t feel like it; volunteer for an animal-rescue books will help to wake up those sleepy brain cells. organization, traveler’s aid, or your local hospital. You’ll be • Ask questions about his interests. He’s just told you he meeting other people who share your interests, which gives you loves camping/surfing/motorcycles/sci-fi conventions; ask an easy opener when striking up a conversation. him about when he first got interested in the activity, and what he likes best about it. Listen more than you talk. And when that special someone shows up in your life, try to • Ask for help. Ask a friend who’s a great flirt to give you flirt instead of running screaming for the hills. tips and coaching on everything from body language to ice- breakers to how to tell a joke. How to Flirt The Science of Compatibility Whole books have been written on this topic. My best advice is to lead with your strong points, even during an initial OkCupid.com is an online dating site that asks you to answer exchange. For instance, if you aren’t funny (you know who you hundreds (or even thousands, if you’re really keen!) of questions are!), don’t try to tell jokes. Still, try to keep things light at first: then uses mathematical probability to create matches for clients. small talk actually puts people at their ease and can open the According to data from OKCupid’s four Harvard-trained math- door to deeper conversations. ematicians, there are certain questions that could help you know whether your first date could turn into a successful relationship. Body language is an important part of flirting. This includes The researchers tested thousands of questions you might ask a smiling (but don’t try to mimic the Cheshire Cat from Alice potential mate, and they discovered that three questions seem in Wonderland) and standing just a little bit closer than you best at predicting whether a relationship will work long-term. normally would with a stranger. Warning: there’s a fine line They seem surprisingly trivial, but if you find someone who between showing interest and pushing someone into a flight- answers all three the same way you do, the two of you might just or-fight response! Don’t stand nose-to-nose, and don’t back him be meant to be! Here are the questions: into a wall or corner. This is just plain creepy, and it will guaran- tee that he’ll never want to set eyes on you again. 1. Do you like horror movies? 2. Have you ever traveled around another country alone? Try mirroring his body language: if he leans forward, you 3. Wouldn’t it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a lean forward; if he crosses his left leg, you cross your right leg. sailboat?  Again, don’t overdo this: your aim is not to mimic the person, but to put him at ease. Diana Shepherd is Editorial Director and one of the co- founders of Divorce Magazine. She has been writing about Here are a few more tips to set you on the path to success- divorce and relationship issues for more than 20 years. ful flirtdom: • Always try to look your best before engaging in flirting. If your hair is a disaster, you haven’t brushed your teeth, or your mascara has run half-way down your face, you’re Related Articles not going to exude the cool self-confidence a successful flirt requires. Dating after Divorce • Offer a genuine compliment. This could be physical – Since you’ve probably been out of circulation for a while, “You have such beautiful eyes” – or not – “You laugh easily. here are some of the rules of the new Dating Game – from That’s a trait I really admire.” Rebound Relationships to the Ten Commandments of Dating. • If you’re good at it, tell jokes (make sure they’re neither www.divorcemag.com/articles/dating-after-divorce dirty nor disparaging, though). • Never brag – not even if you’ve just won the Nobel Prize or It’s a Date! the Oscar for Best Picture. Nothing demonstrates insecurity If you feel that you’re ready to find a new love, but the pros- better than bragging – and it’s extremely irritating to be on pect of venturing out in the modern dating world scares the receiving end of a bragger in full spate. you, this guide to dating in the new millennium can help • Be fearless. The worst that can happen if you approach that you out. great guy is that he will reject you. Contrary to what you www.divorcemag.com/articles/its-a-date may feel at the time, this will not kill you. The best is that

Women’s Divorce Guide | 31 Join Your Divorce Community

side from getti ng expert advice, there are ti mes you may want to connect Awith real people who are going through or recently fi nalized their own divorce. You can vent, ask questi ons, get support, share your thoughts, insights, and tips, or even inspire others through your own divorce story. If this sounds like you, join the Divorce Magazine Community online, where you can connect with divorcing people 24/7 through the following:

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Children and Divorce Guide | 1