Mother Hunger® the Legacy of Missing Maternal Love

Kelly McDaniel Therapy www.KellyMcDanielTherapy.com

Mother Hunger® The Legacy of Missing Maternal Love

Kelly McDaniel MA, LPC, NCC

Mother Hunger The Legacy of Missing Maternal Love

Inadequate maternal nurturing, Mother Hunger names a corrosive, protection, or guidance leaves a hidden intolerable, hidden injury that sabotages heartbreak where human connection should well-being and craves a quick fix. The have been. As a result, millions of women primitive yet essential nature of this wound suffer from harmful relationship patterns, creates an insatiable hunger for love or compulsive food habits, substance misuse, anything that feels like love. Women may and unmanageable moods that leave them relate to the concepts listed below: feeling empty, ashamed, and alone. 1. Mother Hunger is an unconscious, Current treatments for these ongoing search for safety and maladaptive coping skills are often belonging. ineffective, or the results are temporary. 2. Mother Hunger comes from What’s missing is a deep understanding of inadequate nurturing, lack of the root cause for these endemic problems: protection, or missing guidance in the lack of secure childhood attachment to a childhood. mother or primary caregiver. In adult 3. Mother Hunger is an emotional injury women, I call this syndrome Mother that emerges from bonding to a Hunger. compromised mother. It is not a I conceived the term Mother Hunger to medical diagnosis or disorder. distill complex psychological theories into a 4. Mother Hunger happens when self- recognizable concept to help women do two development is sacrificed for self- things: name the source of their emotional preservation. pain (because if you name it, you tame it) 5. Mother Hunger is a symptom of and de-stigmatize addictive habits and mood systemic gender inequality that disorders. diminishes the critical role of mothering.

Since identifying Mother Hunger, I maternal care, but later, alcohol, drugs, have witnessed what happens when the right shopping, fantasy (from Netflix to porn) name explains mystifying habits that make may be used to regulate anxiety and stress. life tiresome and troubling. The look of Maternal care involves three essential surprise, the sigh of relief, the emotional elements that little humans need: nurture, thud that lands in the middle of the room: protection, and guidance. Research shows These are signs that a woman no longer feels that children who have a safe, attuned like a bad girl; that an overactive amygdala primary caregiver can weather life’s can finally relax. adversities with less risk of emotional The term Mother Hunger highlights trauma. Infants without nurturing and the tragedy that happens when there is an protection, however—particularly in the first original, unrepaired break in the maternal 12 months—show brain differences from bond, and our most primal needs for food, babies the same age who were well cared safety, and belonging are damaged. for. Many of us are influenced by popular The Essential Role of Mothering in Healthy Development misconceptions that child development is something that happens naturally, or that The human need for belonging is as babies have no memory. These fallacies are important as breathing. We first learn how bolstered by minimizing the magnitude of belonging feels or doesn’t feel in our infant care, and cultural/religious rules such mother’s arms. The tone of her voice, the as “honor thy mother and father” that blind quality of her eye contact, and the sensitivity us to childhood vulnerabilities. Implied in of her responsiveness teach us whether or this doctrine is an unexamined belief that all not we matter. Her care is our first parents behave honorably, but good people experience of bonding. She is our first love. don’t magically make good parents. Love is supposed to feel good, so what An encouraging trend is the happens if Mom is unpredictable, momentum of Dr. Vincent Felitti’s ACE unavailable, or frightening? We turn to study from 1997. With support from something else for comfort. Something we forward-thinking medical professionals like can rely on to soothe our overactive nervous Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, the first and system. For children, food and masturbation current surgeon general of California, much are the most available substitutes for missing

needed information about toxic stress is protection, and guidance—creating what I reaching mainstream dialogue about call Mother Hunger. parenting and childhood. In particular, see Essential Element #1: Nurturing her TED talk and her book, The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Research like Dr. Harry Harlow’s Childhood Adversity. experiments with infant monkeys has taught No one wants to think that parents us that nurturing touch is as important to manipulate, neglect, or abuse their children, babies as food. Babies need skin to skin but ignorance isn’t serving us. As much as contact to thrive. In the first months of life, a we want to believe all mothers and mother’s physical proximity and sensitive caregivers instinctively offer their little ones touch extends the womb-like environment a caring, secure foundation for life, stressed- and regulates her baby’s nervous system out mothers have stressed-out, insecure Children need nurturing specifically children. Levine and Heller (2014) report from their primary caregiver in order to that approximately half of our population develop the necessary brain circuits for suffers from insecure attachment. healthy relationships in life. A mother’s Additionally, systemic, generational sensitive attunement imprints the felt sense neglect and disregard for women creates that connection with others will be enjoyable what sociologists and researchers call a and safe. Through thousands of daily mother wound. According to Dr. Oscar interactions, mothers are brain architects for Serrallach, an Australian family practitioner, their children, wordlessly building an inner “The mother wound is both ancient and love map, an imprint for all future modern, entwined in Western patriarchy… a relationships. learned behavior passed subconsciously, Without adequate nurturing, deprived subtly from mother to daughter” (Sellerach, children become hungry teens and adults n.d.). starved for affection and care, unconsciously As the mother wound passes through craving the maternal love they did not generations of mothers and daughters, receive. women struggle to offer what they themselves never had—adequate nurturing,

Essential Element #2: Protection healthy hygiene. But as a girl reaches

Stress about the next paycheck or an puberty, she needs her mother’s support in angry partner makes it hard to be attentive to even more ways. In a world that diminishes babies or children. When a mother is unsafe female sexuality, power, and potential, she in her environment or living with high levels needs a mother who can guide her toward of anxiety, she signals danger to her little womanhood with confidence and courage. one. Cortisol and adrenaline—the fight and Sadly, generations of patriarchal double flight hormones—are released into the standards pollute the water between mothers and daughters. Teaching more from example baby’s body to prepare for danger. These life-saving neurochemicals are essential in a than words, mothers pass along survival crisis, but toxic for optimum infant tools like dieting or secret keeping that may development when they regularly flood the not help their daughters. system. Sometimes, a mother’s way of guiding Ideally, a mother protects her child her daughter is based in fear and rigid rules, from environmental threats. Without which creates a lonely chasm between them. protection, a child uses energy for self- Or a mother unconsciously grasps friendship preservation instead of brain development. and security from her daughter, creating a A frightened baby who is rigid and hard to psychological union that stunts relational soothe becomes an anxious child who has development for both. A daughter who must trouble concentrating, sleeping, or playing. mother her mother becomes a tired and New situations are frightening for children resentful adult. who don’t have a safe refuge with their Identifying missing maternal guidance mothers; some agitated children become is complicated, because many adult women quiet and withdrawn, while others grow loud feel confused or guilty if they speak about and domineering. their mothers in unfavorable ways, even in psychotherapy. These daughters long for a Essential Element #3: Guidance mother to admire, one who will champion The need for guidance emerges after their dreams, but have boarded up their the more primitive needs for nurturing and vulnerabilities and learned to navigate life protection are established. Guidance begins alone. with things like regular bedtimes and

A Note About Blame Mother Hunger examines lost maternal care but is not an invitation to blame mothers. Every mother is first a daughter carrying her own emotional wounds into motherhood. Blame is a normal reaction to the grief that is part of Mother Hunger but it can become a cycle that is hard to exit, and it is Book Cover: “Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine,” not an effective remedy for emotional pain. by Gail Honeyman To avoid getting stuck, it is essential to One morning, Eleanor wakes with a find healthy replacements for unmet hangover after ending a long-standing nurturing, protection, and guidance. While obsession with an unknown musician. As no one can replace a mother’s love, missing she notices her row of empty vodka bottles, maternal elements can be restored. she thinks “I ought to feel ashamed that someone will find [them] but I feel nothing.”

Instead of feelings, Eleanor has thoughts.

Like many women who learn to shut off Not Completely Fine their emotions to endure maternal criticism or rejection, Eleanor’s cognition is sharp but In her book Eleanor Oliphant Is her self-concept is distorted and dark. She Completely Fine, Gail Honeyman delivers a reflects how “it is incomprehensible to me brilliant portrayal of the isolation that I call now that I could ever have thought that Mother Hunger. She takes us into the mind anyone would love this ambulant bag of of a deprived daughter, letting us experience blood and bones” (Honeyman, G. 2017). firsthand the burning need for fantasy, Eleanor never knew her mother’s love, denial, and vodka that emerges from early and lives an adult life void of human heartbreak. Eleanor is a woman pretending connection. Her isolation is every woman’s to have weekly phone calls with her abusive, nightmare; part of Eleanor exists in every deceased mother. woman with Mother Hunger.

Symptoms of Mother Hunger baby. A baby removed from her biological

To infants and little girls, the absence home too often or for long periods of time of maternal comfort is unbearable, so as misses the critical support she needs from soon as possible, most find substitutes. her mother’s nervous system, which is the Thumb sucking replaces comfort. Fantasy compass for her own. For this reason, babies soothes despair. Food replaces love. While separated from their mothers at birth due to these comforting strategies are resourceful, medical emergency, adoption, or surrogacy as ongoing surrogates for maternal comfort, may carry an embodied sense of abandonment throughout their life span. they’re devastating. “The lack of an attuned mother is a shattering injury to a limbic Ongoing, unrepaired fear in infancy mammal brain,” (Lewis, T. 2000) because and early childhood changes brain her quality of care impacts physical, architecture. Scientists find shrinkage in the emotional, and relational brain structures hippocampus, a brain region connected to that lay the foundation for Mother Hunger to memory, in children who are neglected. The grow. amygdala, the brain’s smoke detector, is enlarged creating a hypersensitivity to stress. Physical Symptoms Cortisol, the hormone released to respond to

Since early brain development begins danger, damages cellular structures in the in utero and experiences its most dynamic body, and over time builds inflammation in growth in the first 18–24 months of life, it is the body that decreases immunity and essential to recognize the biological contributes to problems like asthma, processes happening between mother and metabolic imbalance, chronic pain, and baby. A mother’s body is an infant’s first cancer. home. In this environment, a baby’s body Unsafe human connection also grows in connection with her mother’s damages the receptor sites for essential heartbeat, the sound of her voice, and the hormones like dopamine and serotonin, rhythm of her breathing. which are meant for focus and well-being. Attachment specialists call the tender Weakened hormonal distribution leaves a time following childbirth the fourth brain vulnerable to addictive substances or trimester, to emphasize the importance of processes that mimic the effects of maintaining proximity between mother and happiness and peace.

Children without safety and comfort or excessive caretaking. As adults, will show signs of physical distress. independent and accomplished women Children may experience: regularly report feeling younger than their 1. Frequent headaches age. 2. Stomach aches 3. Digestive problems In close relationships, confusion is a 4. Regular nightmares constant companion for women with Mother

In teenage years, symptoms of Mother Hunger as they try to find an emotional Hunger may include: place to call home. 1. Intense menstrual pain 2. Concentration challenges 3. Compulsive exercise Relational Symptoms 4. Disordered eating 5. Sleeping difficulty When early adversity damages the primary, maternal bond, the need for touch In adulthood, these symptoms intensify to include things like: and connection gets distorted. Little girls

1. Constant fatigue adapt to painful touch (physical abuse), icky 2. Chronic pain touch (sexual abuse), or touch deprivation 3. Social anxiety 4. Auto-immune diseases by withdrawing deep within themselves for 5. Ongoing depressive symptoms refuge, sometimes creating imaginary Emotional Symptoms friends or spacing out into another world. As Unaware of their own emotional adults, affection or sexual intimacy bring on vulnerability, women struggle to build confusing, automatic reactions. Unconscious meaningful, mutual connections with others, adaptations to relational trauma include: because early structures necessary for self- 1. Avoidance: proximity to other people is too dysregulating awareness don’t develop without maternal 2. Anxiety: freeze creates chronic muscle pain and tension and digestive issues care. Women with Mother Hunger are 3. Addiction: substance use facilitates strangers to themselves, so while they desire dissociation so one can be physically present but emotionally absent closeness, they struggle in close proximity 4. Attraction: involvement with individuals to others. who are familiar but unsafe in an unconscious attempt to reconcile early Anger covers hurt as they rage through attachment pain school or family obligations. Some simmer Early traumatic relationships make silently, hurting themselves with excessive friendships and romantic connections hard. exercise, disordered eating, risky behaviors, Love and affection bring craving, fear, or

disgust. Some women describe feeling for their mothers’ approval and love. But “allergic” to love so I have come to think of when a mother cannot see or repair the these reactions as Intimacy Intolerance. distress she causes—or worse, blames her Signs of Intimacy Intolerance can include: daughter for it—the daughter is likely to 1. Boredom in relationships with friends experience trauma reactions such as 2. Disgust with a partner’s or friend’s immaturity or lack of success nightmares, hypervigilance, trust problems, 3. Attraction to intimidating, abusive and dissociative traits. I call this partners 4. Aversion to warmth and affection from constellation of symptoms Third-Degree others, even while craving it 5. Difficulty processing positive emotions Mother Hunger, a relational burn that comes 6. Misuse of alcohol and/or drugs to cope from two dominant yet conflicting drives: with fear and loneliness 7. Difficulty with empathy in close the need both to attach to the mother and relationships flee from her. 8. Tendency to repeat one’s abuse (emotional, verbal, sexual, or physical) Without a resolution to this double with children 9. Trouble with impulsivity and control bind, children become experts at dissociation, psychologically separating Third-Degree Mother Hunger from intolerable reality but maintaining a When all three essential human needs pseudo connection with their mothers. for nurturing, protection, and guidance are Dissociation inhibits development of an missing, children experience toxic levels of integrated, inner self, and over time, a stress and may develop complex woman matures physically but without the posttraumatic stress disorder (cPTSD). ability to regulate her moods, fulfill her Maltreatment harms a child’s ability to cope dreams, or form lasting relationships. with life’s demands, halting healthy Women with Third-Degree Mother Hunger development of the orbital frontal cortex need nurturing, protection, and guidance (the brain’s right hemisphere), where from trauma-informed care providers as they emotions are processed. wrestle with addictions, mood disorders, and Under the immense challenges of suicidality. parenting, even loving, well-meaning mothers make mistakes. But a mother can be Healing the Legacy of Mother Hunger so compromised that she offers no comfort Women easily feel discouraged, even or safety whatsoever. Daughters always long defeated, while repairing Mother Hunger

because it’s an invisible wound. The general body workers can soothe the touch population cannot see the suffering and offer deprivation that comes with inadequate early support. In fact, part of Mother Hunger is nurturing. blindness to one’s own emotional Many women will be relieved to learn woundedness. Emotional blinders that healing Mother Hunger isn’t about compassionately hide the early loss of reconciliation with one’s mother, although it nurturing, protection, or guidance so that life might be. Rather, it’s an invitation to is bearable. These blinders won’t come off resource missing maternal elements. The all at once—it’s their job to hide what is too restoration of nurturing, protection, and painful to know. guidance builds hope and rewires the brain. For this reason, it is essential to find a Women report new physical and emotional guide who can help thaw the frozen feelings well-being as their lives improve. that get buried during childhood fear states.

Mother Hunger only heals within relationships with safe people who model what soothing repair looks and feels like. Healing Mother Hunger is an Sometimes, finding this sort of relational invitation to dance with a deep source of first aid happens in churches or 12-step wisdom: the pain from early heartbreak. communities. When a woman can face her loneliness and For deeper emotional repair, a trauma- make an ally of despair, she begins to re- focused professional is generally best, but mother herself. Bit by bit, she attunes to the finding the right support can feel like pain she’s been avoiding and gently releases learning a foreign language. Having adapted the coping mechanisms hiding her pain. to unsafe caregivers, women with Mother With effort and support, the brave Hunger have no reason to trust experts. journey inward leads to less rage, anxiety, Asking for help feels terrifying or even and confusion. Foggy decisions become impossible. clear, and the cage of isolation no longer A trauma-informed therapist who feels locked. Solitude becomes a refuge as knows how to use Attachment-Focused lost parts of the psyche emerge from their EMDR and understands addiction is a good hiding places. place to start. Additionally, trauma-informed

Healing Mother Hunger begins with a name. Directly naming this injury takes away the mystery and shame that comes with this wound, clearing the path for recovery to begin. Humans are wired to rebound from adversity, and with nurturing, protection, and guidance from trusted allies, women can build a life of dignity and peace. ❧

Resources for Healing Mother Hunger Additional Readings

I have designed one-on-one Mother Hunger® Critchfield, K. L., Levy, K. N., Clarkin, J. F., & Intensives to address the aftermath of early Kernberg, O. F. (2007, December 26). The attachment pain and adversity. relational context of aggression in borderline personality disorder: using adult attachment An Intensive provides a custom, curated healing style to predict forms of hostility. Journal of experience. Learn more at Clinical Psychology, 64, 67-82. http://www.kellymcdanieltherapy.com/. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1

Additional Guidance 002/jclp.20434 Parnell, L. (2013). Attachment-focused EMDR: Dr. Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing— Healing relational Trauma. W.W. Norton & practitioners who have trained with him and his Company. certified clinical trainers: http://sepractitioner.membergrove.com/ Raypole, C. (2019). Attachment Theory: How index.php Your Childhood Impacts Your ... Retrieved November 17, 2019 from Pat Ogden’s Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and https://www.healthline.com/health/attachme clinicians trained in the practice: nt-disorder-in-adults https://www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org/ Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: the new science Laurel Parnell, originator of Attachment- of personal transformation. Bantam Books, Focused EMDR: http://parnellemdr.com/ Random House.

International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Reference List Professionals (IITAP), started by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Certified therapists understand the cycle Honeyman, G. (2017). Eleanor Oliphant is of addiction: https://iitap.com completely fine. HarperCollins Publishers. International Society for Study of Trauma & Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: the Dissociation (ISSTD): https://www.isst-d.org new science of adult attachment and how it International Society for Traumatic Stress can help you find—and keep—love. Studies (ISTSS): https://istss.org/home TarcherPerigee, Penguin Random House.

Lewis, T., Amini, F., & Lannon, R. (2000). A general theory of love. Vintage Books, Random House. Acknowledgement Sellerrach, O. (n.d.) Healing the mother wound. Thank you to AVA Virtual Assistance for Retrieved November 17, 2019 from formatting this working paper. https://goop.com/work/relationships/healing -the-mother-wound/