The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

The Epic Fail Edition

Issue 1,415 Friday 14 November 2008 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside International - It’s back baby!

Pages 4-5

Comment - Angry Geek is back

Pages 6

Feature - Lord Mayor’s Show

Pages 24 - 25

Dreamserve - Epic Fail!!! The river that nearlyImperial College Canoe Club gettook more than they bargained a for,life see page 3

Network Down! 2 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 3 News [email protected] News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber [email protected] Imperial Canoe Club to the rescue NUS vote for reform again Universities to be IC Canoe Club aid canoeist stranded on a rock above a Ashley Brown reversed. Proposals to allow elected of other amendments. A proposal to waterfall whilst attempting to recover his canoe Live! reporter officers - who typically receive many force conference delegations to be 50% times the number of votes of NUS female was thrown out - the amend- restructured? This afternoon the NUS was once delegates - to automatically qualify for ment noted that over 50% of students Jovan Nedić rienced canoeists. members present radioed the rest of again attempting to reform itself, at conference failed to pass. are women, but the same does not ap- Goverments calls for reports on the Editor in Chief It was as ICU Canoe Club were get- the group to come with more safety an extraordinary conference in Wol- The controversial Trustee Board re- ply to conference delegations. It should ting ready to tackle the water that equipment to rescue the boat. verhampton. In contrast to last year’s mains intact, with the Black Students be noted that despite Imperial’s gender current state of higher education in the Members of Imperial College Union they bumped into the individual who It was at this point that the Impe- extraordinary conference, it appears campaign failing in its attempt to have imbalance, the last conference delega- Canoe Club were involved in the rescue turned out to be a friend of one of rial canoeists were informed that the to have been a very civilised affair, an automatic seat for all liberation tion was almost a 50/50 split. United Kingdom of a canoeist from a Snowdonian river the members. The individual, age 20, individual that went on ahead never although a number of changes went campaigns on the supposedly apoliti- One other amendment of note aimed last Sunday. The individual was swept joined the group as they went down turned up. Assuming that he must through. Conference eventually voted cal board. The board’s function is to to stop ratification of the reforms oc- down the river before he managed to the river, however since the group was have missed the exit point, the group in favour of the revised reform propos- ensure the NUS remains financially vi- curring at a second extraordinary con- Jovan Nedić A report by Universities UK, which climb onto a rock just before Conwy full of a lot of beginners, it took longer went down to the third stretch of the als by 614 votes to 142, easily meeting able and acts within the law, which led ference, instead requiring that the An- Editor in Chief represents vice-chancellors said: “It is Falls, near Betws y Coed, Gwynedd. than expected and the individual went river where they found him stranded the 2/3 majority needed to change the to concerns that it could simply throw nual Conference be the one to approve simply naive to suppose that UK uni- The individual in question was ca- on the do the next section alone, which on ‘The Rock’. This particular rock has constitution. out anything it did not like. This was the changes. However, this was also Universities face the prospect of radi- versities can operate effectively and noeing earlier that day with ICU Canoe is considered to be unwise, as he had to received it’s name as it is the last large The decision must be ratified at a clarified, with the Annual Conference rejected, fuelling speculation that re- cal changes after a review ordered by compete with emerging global giants Club, but is not a member of Imperial. meet a friend. rock in the river before Conwy Falls, a second conference, either a further Ex- able to refer items back to the Trustee forms will be ‘forced through’ by hold- the Government. In his report, Paul while funding remains at about one IC Canoe Club were on their weekend With all the beginners safely taken 30-40 ft drop. traordinary Conference or at Annual Board if it disagrees with their decision. ing an additional extraordinary confer- Ramsden, chief executive of the Higher third of US levels. By 2023, a signifi- trip with a large cohort of beginners in out of their boats, the more experi- Boaters from the nearby café were Conference in April. In either case, Im- A proposal to remove external trustees ence, for which delegates do not need Education Academy, said that universi- cant proportion of higher education Wales, with the aim of the event be- enced went on to tackle the second akready at the scene, but didn’t have perial will play no further part in the was also defeated, meaning the ‘safety to be selected by cross-campus ballot. ties should no longer class degrees as may be delivered by further education ing to introduce them to the basics of section of the river. This was not with- enough safety equipment with them. process due to our disaffiliation. net’ committee will be recruiting from Reports from Imperial’s delegates in- firsts, 2:1s, 2:2s or thirds. Instead they colleges, private and international pro- canoeing. out it’s own incidents, as one of the At this point, Tom Haywood from The reforms originally eased the outside the student movement. dicate it was a civilised affair, and the should issue report cards. viders. The challenge for institutions The River Conwy can effectively be Imperial canoeists managed to capsize Imperial College Union Canoe Club, requirements for delegates to Annual Attempts by far left groups to kill off margin by which the reforms passed “The present system of classifica- will be to ensure that the UK retains its split up into three separate sections, his boat and had to evacuate it. Due to called the minibus to bring down the Conference to be elected by cross- the talk of reform once and for all were is more convincing than the last tion was designed for a smaller higher reputation for quality and excellence, each of varying difficulty. The first sec- the fairly strong current, the boat was safety equipment that they had with campus ballot, however this has been rejected again, along with a number attempt. education world,” he said. “It does not and that diversity and differentiation tion of the river is described as very taken away and after the IC students them. Rory Fyffe, President of Impe- describe the range of knowledge, skills, do not lead to incoherence within the easy, with the next two sections getting ensured that the canoeist was safe, rial College Union Canoe Club, then experience and attributes of a graduate sector.” progressively harder. The final stretch they began the search for the boat. managed to organise his club to con- in the 21st century.” Predicted demographic changes over of the river is considered a grade 5 and After a while, the boat was found tact the emergency services and give “It reduces the complexity of a gradu- the next decade should prompt fairer should only be attempted by very expe- wedged between two rocks, and the their current location. In the mean- ate’s performance to a single category. policies for part-time students, it said, time, the older members of the club And it is not reliable across different as there will be fewer full-time, teenage secured a line and got the individual subject areas.” undergraduates. to a safe location. Due to the nature of In another report, Drummond Bone, One of the key points from the report the river and the steep cliff faces on ei- Vice-Chancellor of Liverpool Univer- were that more postgraduate schol- ther side, the members of ICU Canoe sity, said that British universities faced arships are needed to stop the “brain Club could only get the individual to a growing competition abroad, and that drain”, by which they mean that would certain point where it was considered the credit crunch had made distance like to prevent students moving away very unlikely for him to get back into learning programmes more popular. from academia. the water. “The figures for a massive increase in The reviews outline that there clearly The Ogwen Valley Mountain Rescue Imperial College Canoe Club on the River Conwy international education are no longer is a problem with the current state of team and the Betws y Coed fire service tenable,” he said. “The last 13 years higher education in the United King- then arrived on the scene and managed have seen an extraordinary expan- dom. These problems have also been to get the individual to safety. Rescuer water and decided to jump in after it. “Given the events of this weekend I sion of global trade and an extremely outlined by the Minister for Higher Chris Lloyd from the Ogwen Valley At this point the rapids took the indi- wanted to email you all. Firstly to thank benign financial environment, neither Education, David Lammy (Issue 1,413). Mountain Rescue Organisation told vidual downstream until he managed you all for your help, level-headedness of which can be relied upon in the Imperial College have also recognised BBC Wales that “This kind of rescue to cling onto ‘The Rock’ where he was and patience last night. I was greatly future.” that the current state is not ideal, and is a regular occurrence on this stretch later found. pleased by the way the whole club re- Professor Bone said that universities it was announced by Sir Roy Anderson of river, and we get called out three to The rescue services praised Imperial acted. Especially those for which this needed to broaden their perspective that Imperial would be introducing four times every year.” College Canoe Club for their contribu- was their first ever kayaking trip.” on overseas work, perhaps by build- new entrance exams by 2010. It was later found out that the indi- tion to the rescue attempt, as well as “The team-work, initiative, sensitiv- ing campuses abroad. This is an area in Earlier this year, second year stu- vidual had missed the exit point after receiving a lot of gratitude from the ity, professionalism and assumption of which US universities have been active, dents took part in a trial run of the ex- the second stretch of the river, and individual involved. The reaction to responsibility displayed last night was particularly in the Middle East. ams that the new students would have after seeing a stretch of the river that the events last Sunday can best be de- excellent and illustrates what a strong Imperial College have already set- to take, however feedback from the he didn’t like, he decided to portage scribed by the email Rory Fyffe, Presi- club we have this year. The emergency up several oversea parterships, one of tests have so far been negative. felix (get out and walk down the bank). He dent of Imperial College Union Canoe services and the couple involved send which was reported in last weeks issue will report back on the full story in the Canoe Club President, Rory Fyffe, tackling some rapids then managed to drop the canoe in the Club, sent to the members. their thanks also.” of felix (Issue 1,414). near future.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest felix 1,415 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Students develop bacterial machines to build Friday 14/11/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2008. Felix was brought to you by: three-dimensional structures Daniel Wan ganic compounds, such as cellulose, to the American trip, commenting “An

Editor in Chief: Jovan Nedić Deputy Editor: Kadhim Shubber Associate Editor: Gilead Amit LOLCATS News Correspondent on demand. awful lot of effort and hours in the lab Krupa Hirani, a third year Bioengi- have gone into characterising Bacil- Copy Editors Business Editor Music Editors A team of Imperial College bioscien- neer, is a team member currently in lus Subtilis and planning the genetic Louise Etheridge Luke Dhanoa Peter Sinclair tists are taking on other universities Massachussetts, and explained briefly manipulations necessary to transform Jonathan Lloyd-Williams Susan Yu from around the world in the Inter- how their concept would work. these organisms from innocuous soil Catherine Lau International Editor James Houghton national Genetically Engineered Ma- “We have designed a system where bacteria to biological manufacturing Sasha Nicoletti Hassan Joudi chines (iGEM) competition at the Mas- large numbers of bacteria would be units.”

Colette Gregory Fashion Editor o f t he W EE K sachusetts Institute of Technology. swimming around normally in the lab “Our team’s work is an example of a Dina Ismali Film Editors Dan Wan The annual event, of which Imperial until a blue light is shone onto them in pioneering use of a new bacteria as a Daria Nakariakova Zuzanna Blaszczak have taken a mixed team of undergrad- a particular shape,” she says. “The bac- biological manufacturing unit and I’m Jonathan Dakin Nightlife Editor uates and postgraduates to for the past teria in the blue light would then stop looking forward to sharing our achieve- Politics Editors: Catherine Jones three years, is a celebration of student’s swimming around and produce a ma- ments with other university teams.” James Goldsack Food Editors work and research within synthetic terial, which would self-assemble into The team will return back this week, Katya-yani Vyas Rosie Grayburn Puzzles Editor biology. the pre-designed shape created by the hopefully triumphantly, but otherwise Afonso Campos Charles Murdoch This year’s team consist of nine un- blue light.” they should not be disappointed in Science Editors dergraduates from different bioscience The pre-determined pattern would their achievements they have worked Mićo Tatalović Technology Editors Clubs and Socs Editor departments, four advisors and two be similar to a 3D component of a knit- on since July. Daniel Burrows Richard Lai Alice Rowlands professors. The concept they are taking ted structure, and be used in different These are exciting times for bio- Ravi Pall with them to the States involves turn- applications across the field, including sciences and bioengineering; both Arts Editors Sports Editors ing harmless bacteria, Bacillus Subtilis producing biodegradable clothes and fully taking stock of the great advances Caz Knight What’s On Editors Jack Cornish into efficient biofabricators. synthetic tissue scaffolds. in medical technology and the ever- Danielle Reeves David Paw Rachel D’oliviero Mustapher Botchway The hope is that the bacteria will be One of the team leaders, Dr. Paul increasing demand for ecological and Emily Wilson Lily Topham able to produce self assembling or- Freemont was in a buoyant mood prior organic manufacture. Student Krupa Hirani at work on the biofabricator project 4 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 5 International [email protected] [email protected] International Headlines from around the globe The world beyond College walls...

USA World leaders are converging upon Wash- China ington for an emergency economic summit Germany A wave of protests by factory workers has of the G20 on Saturday 15th November. The Thousands of anti-nuclear activists have meeting was originally suggested by Presi- hit eastern and southern China in recent protested against a train transporting nucle- weeks, caused by job losses for workers of dent George Bush after the G7 meeting a ar waste between France and Germany. For month ago on 10th October. The G20 is a struggling businesses. The global financial several days there were attempts to block crisis has meant consumers in the west are group of the 20 largest economics in the the railway route including sit-ins, protest- world, representing 90% of global GNP and not spending as much, so Chinese businesses ers cementing themselves to the track and can’t sell as much in exports. Consequently 66% of the world’s population. Varying top- clashes with police involving water cannons ics are being pushed forward for discussion. many have been forced to reduce produc- and batons. With no nuclear waste process- tion, or shut factories altogether. With lower UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon urged ing facility of its own, Germany sends an that global warming not to be ignored but exports, China’s economic growth forecast annual shipment of spent fuel to France has been lowered to 9%. Lower export de- discussed along side the global financial cri- and Britain to be processed, before being sis. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown mand is a problem also being faced by In- returned to a storage depot in Gorleben, dia, South Korea and Japan. All this comes has called for co-ordinated tax cuts across Lower Saxony. Nuclear power is high on the the G20 economies to lessen the impact of as Chinese President Hu Jintao announced a political agenda in Germany ever since the £390bn public works programme. the global financial crisis. China and India government embarked in 2003 on phasing are also expected to seek a bigger say at the out nuclear power within two decades. summit.

Burma The pro-democracy movement received a blow this week when 14 democracy activists were sentenced to 65 years in prison each. They were arrested during the anti-government demonstra- tions in September 2007 when several thousand students and Buddhist monks marched peaceful- ly through the streets. The protests, nicknamed the ‘Saffron Revolution’, were violently put down Australia by the Burmese military government, who siezed The trial of five Muslim men has begun power of the country in 1988 and have remained in Sydney after they were arrested in 2005 in control ever since. Additionally a blogger was when their homes were raided by police. Uruguay sentenced to 20 years in prison for posting car- They pleaded not guilty to the charge of Congo, DR toons of the military leader Than Shwe, and 70 ‘conspiring to commit acts in preparation A bill making abortion legal for the first 12 weeks of other dissidents, many of whom are members of for a terrorist attack on Australian soil’. If pregnancy was passed by the Uruguayan Parliament Once again fighting has intensified in the the opposition National League for Democracy convicted, the men - aged between 24 and this week by 17 votes to 13. However the bill is unlikely Democratic Republic of Congo between party are still on trial. Human Rights Watch and 43 years old, will face life imprisonment, the to become legislation as President Tabare Vazquez, several armed groups over control of the other pressure groups have called the trials un- maximum punishment in Australian law. himself a doctor, has made it clear that he will veto country’s vast mineral resources. Political fair and campaigned for their release. With criticism that this will be trial against the bill on ethical grounds. Abortion is illegal in most and social unrest has marred the country Islam, the judge made a point of countering South American countries except in cases of rape or since gaining independence in 1960 from its this and telling the jury to clear their mind if the woman’s life is in danger. The country’s Roman status as Belgium colony. Despite reaching a of any anti-Muslim bias for the duration Catholic Church, which 47% of Uruguayans follow, peace deal in 2003 after a bitter 5-year civil of the trial which is expected to last up to campaigned against the bill. Uruguay is usually consid- war, the so-called ‘Kivu conflict’ has con- a year. Recently Indonesia executed 3 ter- ered the most secular of South American countries, so tinued. Like many conflicts on the African rorists who were convicted of perpetrating the issue has resurfaced the debate between the separa- continent, hundreds of thousands of civil- the 2002 Bali bombings. Back in Britain, an tion of Church and State in the continent. ians have fled their homes in fear, as well Iraqi doctor is currently on trial for an at- as children being forced to fight as soldiers. tack on Glasgow airport in 2007. The UN’s 17,000 peacekeepers stationed in the Congo have already engaged with armed rebel groups using helicopter gunships in attempts to stop them reaching the capital, Goma.

Edited by Hassan Joudi 6 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of felix Music felix is my hot, hot sex ll around me people are rushing for their trains and seemingly being outfoxed by the ticket Angst – You are doing it wrong barriers, but my mind is elsewhere. Not on the assessed prob- orry for the absence last week, Look, if the worst thing in your life hard to see how I can complain about be depressed. Happiness is fashionable, Alem sheet that I have to hand in the day I was temporarily paralysed is that a doctor doesn’t doff his cap to anything, really. Tickler cheddar was folks. And according to Starbucks, it’s that these words are published, nor from the brain down by New you and bow on his way to perform even on offer in Sainsbury’s. Fucking officially Christmas now, so you don’t the lab report I have just a few days to Imperial Girl, and had to be an emergency tracheotomy, then my Tickler cheddar, everyone. Are you really have an excuse. Chin up now. complete. I’m at Victoria station and treated with 20ccs of David friend, you’ve got a pretty fucking getting this down? What’s there to be If you were affected by any of the is- my mind is thinking about felix; the Dimbleby and my girlfriend’s cooking. sweet existence. depressed about? sues raised in last week’s Felix, please Kadhim italics should inform you that I’m talk- OnceS I’d managed to clamber to my Probably the cream of the crop last We all know depression is fun and crawl into a hole and die. Alternatively, ing about this newspaper (which you A. Geek feet, the deadline was past. Alas. And week was Mr. da Flex, a man so ridicu- god knows I love a good wallow too. get in touch with us on our 24-hour should never let the Associate Editor unfortunately it seems that Gilead was lous I half expected the text to fade But the trick is to try and not spread it Insult Helpline by emailing anan- Shubber Gilead Amit hear you call ‘the felix’, lest drowned out by the emotional freak- out as I read it and Rick Astley to start around everyone else. Because the last [email protected]. Keep smil- he strike thee down). show that turned up, which can only playing in the background. What in the thing people need is another reason to ing, folks. It’s a peculiar thing to be concerned mean one thing. Ladies and Gentle- name of Jar Jar Binks were you talking with on a Friday night. In a few hours men, I hereby declare a State of Emer- about, man? You drifted between bit- I will see my parents and sister for the gency within the nation of Imperial. As ter, angry lyric quoting and badly-hid- first time in months, something that a people, I compel you all - cheer the den regret so frequently that I could one would expect to be taking up more fuck up, you miserable cunts. smell the tears of grief in the ink. Being space in my mind. But questioning my What the hell are you people whin- depressed is not a good justification motives for giving myself more work at ing for now? “Anonymous”, a probably- for asshattery, especially not the brand the end of an exhausting week invites a female student who seems to be one you’re peddling; and by that I mean the deluge of further self-questioning. Facebook friend rejection off of slash- brand that dresses you up as a char- Why do I spend my otherwise empty ing her wrists, was just the entrée last ismatic ladies man with a penis like a Wednesday mornings, afternoons and week. french stick and enough testosterone evenings editing this newspaper? Why New Imperial Girl follows that up to fuel another Madonna world tour. do we writers and editors of felix throw with the heavy suffering of not being Let me tell you, right now I’m sipping our degrees down the pan as we obsess able to shower in order to stop herself a coffee in an exploitative franchised over every word and line in our belov- from wasting her life away - inciden- outlet, listening to The Andrews Sis- ed publication? Why do the majority of tally, my dear, if you’re curious as to ters on my mp3 player. Angst? What us study Physics? why men aren’t interested at Impe- angst? Yes, there are tasks to be com- These are questions that admittedly rial, it’s because it’s not just the shal- pleted before set deadlines and some I struggle with each day, much as the low ones who appreciate clean women. tasks may require time periods that Coffee Break/Technology/Layout/ Then the delightful “Watcher” who overstretch those given. Yes, this cof- Seems-Like-He-Does-Everything Edi- “A homage to the felix team”, by Kadhim Shubber wishes that those golly-gosh darned fee is a bit milky. But hey, guess what? “There is no tor Ravi Pall and I will struggle with life-saving medics could just be a bit I’m living in one of the greatest cities in out studies as we guiltily pass sunny more polite when they’re trying to give the world, studying at one of the high- question of days in the West Basement of Beit. my parents, but it is the truth nonethe- Laboratory home? Unfortunately the appears when they move the cursor to unprepared, equipment-less, off-duty est levels possible, and I’m not even a felix has an unmatched ability to less. It’s hard for me to apply myself in phenomenon that is the high propor- the top right hand corner of the new emergency medical assistance. Yes! quarter through my life. I mean, once stopping. I provide you with work, a simple step a boring lecture (as I’m sure the ever- tion of Physicists in the felix office has iMacs that inhabit our desks. It may Damn them. Those selfless bastards. WALL-E arrives in my postbox, it’ll be into the officeis enough to ensnare me. growing number of 2nd year Physicists not been investigated by sociologists. interest you to know we enjoy playing would gladly There’s a page to re-edit here, format- annoyed by my constant chattering I could suggest that it’s because Physi- a variety of music, from Tchaikovsky ting errors there, Shock! Horror! A sec- will tell you) but it’s easy for me to get cists are more enthusiastic, better writ- to Tomb Crew, very loudly when other miss a lecture; tion editor has left a big white space on down to work when the ‘work’ is writ- ers or more creative editors – but that people are trying to work (well I enjoy their page. Don’t even get me started on ing with my friends. It’s mind-numbing would be crossing the line between in- it anyhow, I suspect that Music Editor I wouldn’t miss researching news articles (which eas- to worry about whether I’ve quoted the trospection and self-indulgence (so I’ll Peter Sinclair’s opinion of me lowers ily makes the time between dawn and correct number of significant figures stick to: I just don’t know). every time I blare out Boyz II Men “I’ll working on an dusk seem like five minutes, and not in but it’s exhilarating to worry about Undoubtedly you are not lucky make love to you”). Geek Woman vs Promiscuous Girl a good way – as the Editor knows all too the number of lines separating images enough to know us personally. I’m not The people who worship at the feet edition of felix” well). I might complain more if it were when you’ve got the Fashion Editor saying that we are happy about it but of the cat are different, that much I can ast night was horrific. loser. and a self-knowing woman. When I go successful women with being a more not entirely self-inflicted: which brings Dan Wan thinking up funny captions we are too busy ignoring our social say with confidence. We are the stu- Let me walk you through Okay, but at least he confirmed I out, I sometimes become this fragile emotionally vulnerable one? us to the first question. Why do I, like for the aforementioned images sitting lives to rectify this problem. I won’t be dents who will never go into research it. Imagine I am studying looked hot or minx-like. Same thing girl, who demands the attention of cute Do we let ourselves believe that be- others, spend so much of my free time beside you. able to give you a comprehensive per- but also have little interest in the world in my room on a Thursday at a club night I tend to find; no room guys with the hope that their acknowl- cause we do well in work we should on this newspaper? It would be cynical Perhaps I’m really skirting the is- son-by-person breakdown of our per- of finance. We read stories, watch films night, dressed in glasses at the inn for elegant beauty. So I get edgement of me will confirm that I am be able to let our love lives slip?Argh, to suggest our CVs were the culprits sue here: maybe the felix team is full sonalities: Food Editor Afonso Campos or see another pint of snakebite being and baggies like a right Imperial nerd. into the club and see Cute Guy. Great! desirable. Speaking to others, I know I Mum was right- boys are trouble. Let and condescending to imply that we of students who really wish they were defies rational thought in any case, but chugged at the Union and instantly LA couple of days ago a friend had men- Now I am stalking the guy. “Why on am not alone. So I am thinking, are we me know what you think. Email: Impe- have little else to do. The reason that doing a different degree (I know that I will give you a few important snippets ideas and headlines form in our minds. tion his friend was having a few friends earth...” I am thinking at this point “... trying to tackle the balance of a being [email protected] I, like Katya-Yani Vyas (the unceasingly Caz Knight, the Arts Editor, would be of information. There is no question of stopping. I around at a club night so I was think- do I actually like this guy?” So the night upper-crust Politics Editor), am behind gone in a flash to live a life of Bohe- Like the fact that Arts Editor David would gladly miss a lecture; I wouldn’t ing by 8pm, “screw this work- I need goes on and I am getting cosy with this on academic work is because it is more mian abandon if she didn’t think it was Paw is incapable of using an actual pic- miss working on an edition of felix. To to go out”. I didn’t actually want to go guy but obviously not in the view of fun to work on felix than on equations. a waste to quit in her last year). This ture of himself as his Profile Picture others my priorities need rethinking, out, but I somehow had to reconfirm his friends. Mistake Number 4. Heard Of course this is far too much of a flip- brings me neatly onto the last ques- on Facebook or that we have varying to the members of the felix team, my my sanity or more that I was a stu- the song “Love locked down” by Kanye pant reason to justify abandoning all tion: who are the felix team and why degrees of skill in Photoshop and a life gets in the way of far more impor- dent and do actually have fun beyond West- well quite literally it wasn’t lock hopes of attaining a 1st class degree to do so many of them call the Blackett few have no idea why everything dis- tant activities. studying... That was my first BIG mis- down, it was stealth affection that I take. Did I mention that this cute guy was getting. was going to be there so I was perhaps So the night is over and I am drunk/ persuaded to go. Yes, you’ve guessed it- tipsy/drunk (DTD) and I am thinking Mistake Number 2. this Cute Guy will see me home. No So imagine this, I’m throwing off I tell you. For all the flirting and af- “Geek-Woman” clothes and transform- fection over the night all I got was a The felix magazines Imperial Girl ing into “Promiscuous-Girl” clothes. walk to the bus stop. Did I mention I Within seconds you would have never wouldn’t of even got that walk if the ast week, the first of the free prised to find it there, I should know, of guessed I was a straight-A-student, bus stop wasn’t on his way home. magazines that felix pro- I was there putting the thing in as you studying at Imperial with a promis- Where the hell did chivalry go? What duces was released. There lot were picking it up. But it is free, and ing and intellectual future ahead of happened to opening doors, pulling are effectively three maga- very informative, and, according to me. But whatever, that’s fine. A bit of out seats, walking on the outsides of zines plus a one-off special, the Guardian, one of the best student a “Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde” never hurt the pavement ... dropping a girl to her that felix produces. I, science is, funni- magazines out there. anyone. door and perhaps receiving a precious lyL enough, the science magazine which Next week, we shall be releasing No! Mistake Number f*king 3. If my kiss on the cheek? No! No! No! That is produced by students, primarily phoenix, which is in fact older than fe- life was the lottery draw I would have would be too much. So here I am in my from the Science and Communication lix. It was started by H.G. Wells who been a multiple-time millionaire win- “Promiscuous-Girl” clothes that I put course at Imperial. This means that the many of you will know was a renowned ner. Right so I am off out in my, dare I on to impress this guy who has now quality of this magazine is very, very science fiction writer. This magazine is say it, “fuck-me pumps” walking down left me at this deserted bus stop, tem- The Editor good as these guys will be doing it for focused more on the arts and literature to Earls Court station when an old peratures in negatives at 5.30 in the a living. It is full of informative science side, with short stories, poems, visual that we had in felix last year, all neatly lege. Most importantly, I want you all man comes up to me and asks “do morning!!! I have lectures in 4.5 hours. (including engineering) news, as well art and photography. phoenix is the compiled into one 56 page mammoth to realise that they are free, and that you want to go for a coffee”. What the What a bad show of him. All I wanted as opinion articles and reviews. The one where we really let our hair down edition. they are worth a read. The copies will hell is wrong with this guy? Doesn’t to do is get back to being “Geek-Wom- best thing of all is that it is free. Some with the visual design, so check it out I said finally, but actually there is one mainly be found next to the library he know Starbucks isn’t open at 9pm en”- where I felt comfortable and in of you who picked up your copy of felix and see what we’ve come up with. more magazine, and that is the sports cafe, as well as next to most of the drop and more to the point if I needed and control. from the library last week will have re- Finally we have Another Castle. This magazine that will appear after varsity. bins. found a pimp, no money could afford But that is exactly it! I figured it out. alised that it was shoved in the middle is new to this year, and will be the gam- So as you can see, we have a maga- So sit back, relax and enjoy the vari- you even a touch of my hair you ugly By day I am in control, I am powerful Promiscuous girl, or an attractive geek woman? pages. Some of you looked quite sur- ing magazine. Imagine all those pages zine that will cater to the whole col- ety that felix has to offer. 8 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 9 Comment [email protected] [email protected] Comment Petitions: a waste of perfectly good ink Not so happy with Healthy Living Week n the last few weeks, I have had someone thrusting a piece of paper before Pigs had evolved to lose their ness, someone did ask “Lisa, is igno- o, who thinks Healthy Liv- Cue lots of shizzle “behind the Basically – sort your lives out people!! It will be for charity so if I promise to more good intentions rammed in my face and demanding that I sign wings- governments believed in the rance really bliss?”) ing Week was a success? Oh, scenes” (this I’m still investigating into If you want to masquerade as some keep you informed you guys have to in my face than I could ever in order to get the Gaza strip border wholesome notion of democracy and These were all, rather worryingly, did you not know it was on? as everyone involved is being oddly sort of professional unit then please do promise to attend and support. Guess hope to deal with. Some are area opened and allow some student to listened to the paper based woes of genuine. Even the petitions with the You know those hideous pas- secretive, hmmm…). Eventually I was attempt at least a vague level of organi- I’ll see you all soon at Netball vs. Rugby relatively harmless, for example come and study at Imperial. I signed, their citizens. But you can hardly blame most signatures have just become tel yellow t-shirts that were called late on Wednesday evening with sation and communication. – the grudge match (take II). my mother washing my jeans and con- and along with the sheer millions of them for not caring anymore when they an opportunity for government spin, dotted around college last week? Yeah, some alternative offers: Sport Imperial have offered to pay PS. I’m sure I was supposed to get Ifronting me with yet another dubious other signatories, I of course had the are inundated with thousands of mind- where the PM’s press army replies theyS were for HLW, organised by our - Kondi were given preference and for the umpire we hired and are com- one of those granny-yellow tops for foil packet that has materialised in the effect of going up to the parties in- numbingly stupid requests. I have with how the government has actually DPCS and Sport Imperial. When I say we were booted out of our original slot, ing round to the idea of an alternative running a session? Holla back to me on wash. Most, however, seem to be just a volved in this long running religious taken a few choice requests from the already tackled this issue, and they in organised though, I am using it in the no room for questions. slot but the proposal is accompanied that note too pls whilst you’re at it SI. good old fashioned waste of my time. and political conflict, slapping them number10.gov.uk e-petition website: fact are the shit. The problem is peo- loosest possible terms. - Then we were offered an area the by many conditions that still need to be PPS. Imperial Girl, whadafuh? I love However, contraception based emer- both around the face with a wet mack- • “Make all animal killing illegal”- 3 ple have become so self-absorbed that That’s right, this is going to be a bit of size of a Badminton court (bearing in finalised so watch this space; you know the idea of a Sex and the City style arti- gencies aside, I can think of no bet- erel and proclaiming loudly “Just sort signatories; admittedly most of these they feel they can write about their a rant peeps so take this as your warn- mind that we need a space four times if I’m not happy I’ll be back for further cle but if that’s going to be the concept Jaimie Henry ter example of time-wasting than the it out, douchebags!” At that instant, the are from people who have taken the insignificant woes and post them into ing; I’m a woman scorned and I’ve had that size and netball court markings) bitching. behind it then I want to see it written petition. student in question would magically “name” box to mean “comment” and the public domain; actually we couldn’t a lot of caffeine!! It’s a long story folks so that was a definite no from my end In conclusion though, what we hope by someone who’s getting more action According to a highly valued internet appear at Imperial’s pearly gates and filled it with hilarity such as “we’re give a damn about Johnny Bellend’s and I’m liable to go off on one about straight away. to receive is a proper apology for be- than me or it’s not what I’d call enter- source (that may or may not have been several extraordinarily well endowed meat eaters you dope.” chocolate digestive dilemma. In fact, it given half a chance but I’ll try and - Finally we were told we could share ing messed around and another hour- tainment. Plus, it’s not like there’s a thrown together by a despotic bunch women would materialise with frozen • “Stop VATing chocolate biscuits”- 6 even causes that deserve public recog- Spanky Pants keep this concise if only to keep you Handball’s slot (great idea – drag an- long slot in Ethos for free where we can shortage of guys at Imperial so you’ve of unemployable English Literature Capri-suns and feed them to me. The signatories, including an amusing aside nition are lost in a swarm of insanity, reading… other sports team into the mess you’ve run our session as originally intended. no excuse!! graduates and passed off as an ency- word “empowerment” doesn’t even about Jaffa cake classification. which is a shame; despite the pointless All sports clubs were given the op- created. Have they been apologised to? clopaedia) the petition has its origins come close. • And my personal favourite, from nature of the petition, it can very oc- portunity to run a session as part of I doubt it). This would involve sharing in Imperial China, whereby Emperors In fact (and much to my personal a Lady called Lisa with most intui- casionally be a pathway to something HLW. Netball girls vs. Rugby boys – for half the session and then being able would remove corrupt members of dismay), none of these things hap- tive economic mind I’ve seen in years: bigger. the grudge match – seemed like a great to have the full court for a game after government office by the will of ordi- pened. All that happened was that it “Print lots of money to clear the debt.” So the next time someone tries to suggestion to me and original feedback that. nary people. Clearly that idea took off, made me feel a little less guilty than my This was alongside the comment: “why force feed you good intention, don’t from the “powers that be” was equally Ultimately when I turned up on the seeing as now in China ordinary peo- other possible course of action, which would it ruin the economy??? It’s al- bother in subjugating yourself to their positive. We were envisioning a simi- day I was told this had been changed ple are “removed” by corrupt members was to tell the petitioner to entertain ready near to ruin, if extra money was whims. lar event to the one we ran last year for yet again though to us only having of government office. themselves with a part of my anatomy. given to the banks from a machine, Be more man than I was and actually charity where the boys wore dresses 10minutes of full court game time. And so hundreds of years of point- I appreciate that once upon a time rather than our taxes, this could only do the planet and civilization a favour- and got majorly put in their place by a Clearly lots more shizzle had happened less endeavour recently culminated in petitions used to work- back in a time help everyone.” Thanks Lisa. (In fair- save the ink and the paper. bunch of girls who like to wear pink, behind the scenes. Is it too much to ask happy times :) Everyone that I spoke to that if I’m running a slot I be kept in- was looking forward to it. formed and be consulted on decisions? Fast-forward to Wednesday 6th, the Apparently yes. day before the session we’d been allo- To top it all off I was told that we cated. Whilst conversing with a friend, were actually supposed to be running and after checking a HLW flyer, I real- a “come and try” session and that our Stop treating us like snotty teenagers ised there was a clash: Netball/Rugby planned event did not comply with and Kondi were scheduled at the same the intended criteria of HLW. Where o, for the last fortnight my by the hospitals – not really anyone’s are prepared to let them off because, as someone whose university time has time – quelle horreur!! I immediately was this opinion of us two months ago boyfriend has been pretty fault, but no less annoying for having obviously, they’re upset that someone been plagued with illnesses and family got on the phone to SI to alert them of when I originally suggested it? Who much constantly in and out to sit around waiting for 3 days, each they love is going under the knife. The emergencies I can tell you that the gen- this most disastrous discovery!! knows, least of all the DPCS or SI. The rugby boys before they got embarrassed by the girls of hospital. No, I realise you night being told they’d defnitely have institution I am paying to educate me eral attitude of the institution is one of don’t care, just bear with me a bed for us by tomorrow morning. can’t be flexible for two damn weeks. contempt. They act as if giving you full for a minute. There’s a really satisfying There’s been stress, there’s been sleep- I’m prepared to bet that if I was a mar- credit retakes should remove all your rantS you can get all opinionated about less nights, there’s been tears. This isn’t ried, mature student whose husband worries – as if it’s not doubly stressful coming up in a second. a request for sympthy, you understand, was having surgery, they’d feel differ- doing the exams twice AND having I’m a chemist. Largely, this means just an explanation of the situation to ently. In fact, I know this is the case, other issues in your life. The first as- spending 2-3 hours a day in lectures, emphasise the next point. becase it happened to my mum. sumption is always that the student is 6 hours a day in labs, 2-3 hours a day When I found out, last Friday, that I Another example: I don’t know about trying to get something for nothing. Calliope Muse writing up reports and problem sheets, was probably going to spend a lot of the your department but mine has always The stereotype is that we’re lazy, self- and 8 hours a day whinging about it. two weeks after that up and down from rammed it down my throat that if you ish, immature... - fuck that. Sometimes we even sleep. I could be Oxford, I sent an email to a bunch of don’t revise/work over Easter you’ll do I don’t want this to be taken as an at- wrong but I’m pretty sure most courses people in my department, explaining significantly less well in your summer tack on the staff, who by and large are at IC have at least that workload by the the situation, and that I would proba- exams. During my first year, a mem- sympathetic on a personal level and start of the second year. Hence, when bly be sporadically absent for a while. It ber of my immediate family attempted in any case just doing their jobs, but you’re actually not just skiving, being took them until Monday for even ONE suicide over the Easter holidays, which the frustration of having metaphorical forced to miss large chunks of college person to reply, and I quote: definitely damaged my attempts to eyes rolled every time you have to ex- is worrying, especially if you’re actually “I am sorry to hear of your boy- work. The response of college? “You plain something is draining to say the planning on coming out of all this with friend’s unfortunate medical condi- have the whole of the summer term least. Particularly if it’s not like you’re a degree. tion. However, it is difficult to give you to revise.” The whole of the summer not proposing to make up the work. My boyfriend then. He has Crohn’s very much leeway as you are not the term? We have LECTURES in summer Imperial students are, in the majority, disease (yes, I know you’ve all figured one who is actually ill.” term! We have new shit to learn, never either hardworking or bright enough out who I am now, shut up for a sec). Ok, this is an angry article, so I mind revising the old stuff. that it doesn’t matter. I don’t person- The other weekend I had to take him should probably also note that I was I get there are rules. I get that the ally know anyone who doesn’t, when it into hospital for a major flare up, given a “few extra days” to hand in my academic and adinistrative staff are gets right down to it, work their asses where we were terrified his intestines next report, but still. The idea that it’s just doing their jobs. I also get that off for the best grade they can acheive. had ruptured. This week, he’s in for only if you’re ill that you should be up- undergrads at Imperial are treated It’d be really nice if the people who major surgery, and there’s not much set? Bullshit. His parents, obviously, like a fucking afterthought. I’ll admit write the rules could stop treating us which can really be done about it. Both have time off work. The institutions I’m not the best student, even when like snotty teenagers. And now I’m off times we were majorly dicked around which are PAYING them for a service healthy and in college, but speaking to make up some time in labs.

Got an issue with the Union? Take it to Jenny Morgan, the Union President, in stoic tv’s exclusive ‘Ask the President’ program, where the President is faced with your burning questions. Autumn 2008 Episode Friday 21st November. Email your questions to: [email protected] Student Television of Imperial College 10 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 11 Politics [email protected] Politics Politics Editors – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] Calls for referendum over EU’s Lisbon Treaty In honour of Neil Dhir On the 17th of September 1778 men of communism Recession in 2009 exceptionally high stature attended the James Goldsack Constitutional Convention in Philadel- Politics Editor phia, Pennsylvania. There they laid out the fundamental guidelines which were James Goldsack Gordon Brown has announced his sup- to rule state and people for centuries to Politics Editor port for “unfunded” tax cuts to combat come. Guidelines which could not be the recession this country is headed crossed yet not set in stone but set in for. He told a news conference that the hearts and minds of the populace. have a poster of Stalin on my It is horrifying to think that at the “fiscal stimulus” is necessary to “get the Naturally The Articles of Confedera- wall. next General Election, voters will have economy moving again”. tion and Perpetual union have been I don’t actually; I just wanted the choice between 3 right-wing main These cuts would “initially” be un- amended no less than twenty three to see how you would react. I parties, one of which has sucked into funded which drew criticism from the times to follow the course of time and also don’t have a poster of the itself the communist party and disre- Tories who accused him of planning a the ever changing zeitgeist. The Euro- hero of communism Ernesto “Che” garded all it stood for. Perhaps I am be- borrowing “splurge”. pean Union set out to copy the Ameri- IGuevara like all those pretentious uni- ing harsh on the Liberals. They try. The Conservatives have proposed cans by adopting a similar stance for the versity jerks who think it is cool even New Labour is simply what the con- “targeted” tax cuts which they claim federation of Europe. The story of the though they have no damn clue what servatives should always have been. will not need rises in borrowing to European constitution starts with the he stood for. That includes you, yes You stuck-up, pipe-smoking fools, you fund them. Conservative leader David Laken declaration in 2001. The Laken you. Nice one. were beaten at your own fascist game Cameron said the proposals to give tax declaration derives its name from the If I were to choose one communist to by a Scot. breaks to small businesses who take on European council meeting which was With the influx of new member states, the European Union must adapt by developing a new treaty, or constitution, governing the organisation parade on my wall, it would be Lenin. And a dirty lying one with awfully unemployed workers were “fiscally re- held in Laken, Belgium in December Or Trotsky. At any rate I prefer my dic- grating mannerisms at that. sponsible” as they would be paid for by 2001. The declaration introduced the tators benevolent to tyrannous. All the parties are trying to find ways savings from benefits. European Convention which was a constitution to the people was France constitution was that it gave too much endum”. As previously stated the TCE stitution. In their article we find that If I were to have a poster of Hitler on of lowering taxes to help working fam- The government’s plan to bor- body set up to produce a draft of the on the 29th of May 2005 the people prominence to the notion of the EU as was thrown out by voters in France and no less than twelve heads of state re- my wall not only would I be disgracing ilies and it is a theme that was found row even more money not only goes European constitution (now known voted. Three days later the electorate a state. Thus all references to the flag, the Netherlands and was thus judged gard the treaty the same as the rejected my whole Jewish heritage (if you hadn’t throughout the US election campaigns. against Brown’s own golden rules but as the Treaty of Lisbon) it was chaired of the Netherlands were called upon anthem, motto and a public holiday dead by politicians in the UK hence constitution yet the omniscient British guessed from my money-grabbing Jew Stop jumping on the bandwagon peo- would throw Britain into deeper debt by the former French president Valéry to deliver their judgement. Rather em- were removed (the treaty is still 231 a referendum on a dead constitution prime minister appears to running an name) and my communist nature but ple and start jumping on the European at a time when owing money is not a Giscard d'Estaing and this is where our barrassingly for Brussels both nations pages long as opposed to ten pages is illogical and the issue was not fur- entirely different agenda by contra- there would be outrage. bandwagon instead. You know you good economic policy. story begins. delivered a resounding ‘no’ (54.68% for the American constitution). But in ther pursued. As always with the EU dicting his European counterparts by Let’s not dwell on the two fellow want to; they have better food, better But Mr Brown said Mr Cameron’s In 2004 the then 25 member strong against in France and 61.54% against in true EU fashion they reinstated them a ‘no’ is considered a complete rejec- stating that the two documents are Fulham-inhabiting Germans saluting weather...hell, even better fascist dicta- proposal was “an expensive one that Gloomy days for Brown as parties clash over his “unfunded” tax cuts union signed the Treaty establishing the Netherlands). Alas the constitution in October this year in the midst of tion of the entire European project fundamentally different. Angela Mer- in the corner. tors than us. doesn’t necessarily guarantee that a Constitution for Europe (TCE) but was dead. Or so it was believed… the financial crisis – when one would and is thus deemed unacceptable (Ire- kel, German Chancellor, Telegraph, 29 It is painfully clear that World War What do we have? Bad schools, bad more jobs will be created overall”. is more commonly referred to as the In view of the fact that such a sig- have thought that they would have bet- land was made to revote on the Nice June 2007: “The substance of the Con- Two was no more than a bet between public transport, no national secrets Pressed on whether there would be the Conservatives’ plans were “pie-in- group who will spend the money saved European Constitution. Establishing a nificant member of the EU (France) ter things to do. Former Italian Prime treaty in 2002 so was Denmark on the stitution is preserved. That is a fact”. Stalin and Hitler as to who could kill (what is it with our idiot civil service unfunded tax cuts in the pre-Budget the-sky on a hope and a prayer”. from taxation bringing economic stim- constitution is a messy business by any had rejected the final piece of the Eu- Minister Giuliano Amato succinctly Maastricht treaty in 1993 – for hav- Guy Verhofstadt, Belgian Prime Min- more Russians. and trains that combines so badly?), an report, expected next week, he said: He said if the economy recovered ulus to Britain. standards, this any barrister with train- ropean federation project they could sums up the mood of the EU towards ing rejected both initially). Hence the ister, Agence Europe, 24 June 2007: As far as I can understand, Stalin was ex-PM guilty of war crimes, a failing “You have to take action that is initially quickly and receipts to government These plans come as the Bank of ing in constitutional law will tell you. not be bullied into voting again, ap- the people: “They decided that the 'Draft Treaty amending the Treaty on “[the new treaty] takes up the most im- better at killing people than Hitler. So economy; evidently 10 years of New unfunded because that is actually how “shoot up” “then the balance, if there is England warn of a recession in 2009. Furthermore it is ironic to say the least parently smaller nations, however, document should be unreadable. If it is European Union and the Treaty es- portant elements of the Constitutional why the hatred for the Kraut? Hitler Labour has done great things for us. you do a fiscal stimulus. a balance, may need to be found from Governor Mervyn King said that the that the Americans managed to, 230 are not allowed to speak their minds unreadable, it is not constitutional, that tablishing the European Community' Treaty project.” Even a European Com- rampaged through Europe wiping out The preceding Conservative years “The aim is to get the economy mov- taxation”. UK probably entered a recession in the years ago, compose a document that (like Ireland) and have to be politically was the sort of perception… Should more commonly known as the Treaty mission representative in the form a race because of a ridiculous ethnic and those which will probably follow ing forward by higher levels of eco- The Liberal Democrats have prom- middle of 2008. was more comprehensible than what beaten into submission i.e. by hav- you succeed in understanding it at first of Lisbon was put before the world in of Margot Wallstrom had something cleansing program whereas Stalin did the next election are not much of an nomic activity and that is precisely ised tax cuts to those on low and mid- In the Bank’s quarterly inflation re- the supposedly learned citizens of Eu- ing a second referendum for daring to sight there might be some reason for a July last year. cheerful to say about the resemblance what he had to do in order to stay in improvement. what we are doing.” dle incomes. Those on low incomes port, it says that the UK economy could rope compiled in the 21st century. defy the powers that be. Consequently referendum, because that would mean Little time passed between the an- of the two documents: “It [the Treaty power of his own country and keep I personally hope the spirit of the Employment minister Tony McNulty spend more proportionally of their in- shrink by 2% over the next year, on a In true democratic fashion some- Mr. d’Estaing and his team had to go that there is something new.” nouncement of the treaty and the calls of Lisbon] is essentially the same pro- communism alive. communist revolution can spread said that any “tax cuts or adjustments” come than middle-income earners. par with the Thatcher-era recession. thing so substantial and which affects back to the drawing board to appease From the continent to the “sceptical for a referendum. Most voters were posal as the old Constitution.” Because those lives were worth los- through this failing nation and pros- would be “funded in a transparent Lowering taxes for the lowest paid The governor said: “we have seen the the state as much as a constitution has the people of France and the Nether- little isle”; in their 2005 manifesto the shocked, as was the media, to learn Open Europe (a think tank) pub- ing. Long live the revolution. perity will be ours again. fashion, albeit from borrowing” while will help boost the economy as it is this biggest banking crisis since WWI” to be ratified by the people (though lands. What they produced was the Labour party promised, if they won a that the government, now lead by Mr. lished a mammoth 263 page-by-page most countries preferred to adopt Treaty of Lisbon. The workings of the third term in office, they to would put Brown, did not consider the Treaty comparison of the Lisbon Treaty and what some call ‘backdoor democracy’ former treaty and the latter are dif- the constitution to the people. Looking of Lisbon equivalent to the European the TCE. In 2005, Brown in an inter- whereupon the parliament denies the ficult to understand, as we shall see at their manifesto from this period fur- Constitution. There are a few reasons view with the Evening Standard told people a say, through parliamentary later, for good reasons. But just to give ther reinforces this pledge; “The new for this: the constitution attempted to the reporter in regards to the EU treaty representation, on an issue which will a good example of how arrogant and Constitutional Treaty ensures the new replace all earlier EU treaties and start “It's not as though this is being im- have a considerable impact upon their ignorant the EU is consider this: one of Europe can work effectively… we will afresh, whereas the new treaty amends posed on the country. People will have lives). The first country to put the the problems the people had with the put it to the British people in a refer- the Treaty on the European Union the chance to put their views." This is Defense Intelligence cuts “risk another Iraq” (Treaty of Maastricht) and the Treaty in stark contrast with "[if it] were the Establishing the European Community old constitutional treaty, we would James Goldsack in the run-up to the Iraq war, the DIS (Treaty of Rome) - the UK was particu- be having a referendum" yet the iWar Politics Editor was the only part of government that larly adamant for a modest "amend- campaign along with Open Europe seriously questioned the way the case ing treaty", which could be ratified by found that the treaty contains 96% of The government is cutting its Defence was being argued, showing a grasp of means of a parliamentary vote, like the old content and only 6 articles of Intelligence Staff, despite warnings it the information not found in other earlier EU treaties, i.e. circumventing the original 448, relating to symbols, could lead to serious mistakes. departments, certainly not Downing their 2005 manifesto pledge to hold a had been removed – but they have Former defence chief John Morri- Street. referendum on the constitutional trea- already been reinstated as shown (ar- son says the move makes a repeat of The Butler report said the depart- ty. Another reason being that Eurosc- ticles of symbols) and the 448 articles the errors which produced flawed in- ment needed to be integrated “more peticism is very much alive in the UK, have been amalgamated into 70 larger telligence ahead of the Iraq war more closely” with the rest of the intelli- for example recently the Bedfordshire ones yet with the same content. likely. gence services in order to serve “wider town of Luton, in a mock election, Regrettable is not a strong enough In 2004, the Lord Butler inquiry into national priorities”. voted 54% to 35% to leave the EU, thus word to describe this great deception the scandal called for the DIS budget At the time, ministers said they ac- the prospects of winning a referendum for never before have so few decided to be increased as well as extra jobs cepted those recommendations, but on a treaty which effectively creates so much for so many. This should be created to prevent further failings, but critics say they now appear to be ignor- the state of Europe are slim. In conclu- enough compelling evidence to con- now 122 jobs are to be lost. ing them. sion their stance became as such: since vince anyone that the treaty is in fact The current head of DIS insisted In a statement, Air Marshal Stu it is not the same constitution New the same as the old constitution and the department was still of "critical Peach, Chief of Defence Intelligence, Labour does not have to honour their that the government with Mr. Brown at importance". said: “The Defence Intelligence Staff manifesto, indeed YouGov (a market its helm should honour their manifes- Defence Intelligence currently has remains of critical importance to de- research firm) poll for the Telegraph to. However just to make it irrevocably 590 people working in central London. fence and security and is recognised in October 2007 showed that 94% of unambiguous consider the words of the These are both civilian and military across Whitehall as a key asset. the people did not believe the Govern- chief architect of both documents Mr. personnel and are the government's “The area is funded for what it is be- ment’s argument that the Treaty is dif- d’Estaing “The treaty of Lisbon is the largest organisation for analysing se- ing asked to do from the central de- ferent to the constitution. This breach same as the rejected constitution. Only cret information about our security fence budget and will continue to sup- of trust between the government and the format has been changed to avoid and the world. port the armed forces and contribute the people would turn out to be par- referendums”. Davy Crockett once said They are the main source of exper- strongly to the intelligence communi- ticularly embarrassing for New Labour that “I would rather be politically dead tise within the intelligence community ty’s work across government.” and Gordon Brown. than hypocritically immortalized”. Mr. on subjects such as the science and Prospect, the trade union represent- In 2008 Paul Stephenson and Lor- Brown clearly does not share this senti- technology of weapons systems and ing many of the civilian intelligence raine Mullally of I want a referendum ment for in October 2007 he was quot- arms proliferation. analysts, said the MoD was hoping (iWar) wrote an article for the Specta- ed as saying “The manifesto is what we They also provide direct support to shrink the staff so far to allow it to tor where they address the key issue of put to the public. We’ve got to honour to UK operations overseas, including close the Whitehall DIS headquarters the government’s broken promise; that that manifesto. That is an issue of trust those in Afghanistan and Iraq altogether. The DIS, a department of the MoD, has its home on Whitehall but maybe not for too much longer The European Parliament, an important political arena or a greedy, undemocratic body? the treaty is not the same as the con- for me with the electorate”. 12 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Business Business Editor – Luke Dhanoa [email protected] How Wii’s kill people in the Congo The link between consumer electronics and civil unrest in the Congo.

Luke Dhanoa countries as quick as possible but did killed, but it was good for Belgium. Business Editor nothing to improve transport between When Lumumba looked to the So- different parts of the country, setting viets for technical assistance in deal- No doubt you’ve heard of the worsen- the tone for the interactions between ing with the southern troubles, the US ing situation in the Congo, but do you the Congo and the West. stepped in with some classic cold war know where the rebels are getting their In the ‘60s, after the Congo had maneuvering: The CIA sponsored the funding? Do you know why interna- gained independence, Congolese sol- most anti-communist power player tional governments seem more willing diers started rebelling against remain- they could find (Mobutu) and led him to step in to help the Congo as opposed ing Belgian officers. In response Chief to taking over the country, regardless to the other humanitarian disasters of Staff of the Army Mobutu was sent of his ability to run a country. There- around the world? Because unless you round to rally troops back into a co- by (hopefully) making the country a think about the hand that corporations hesive Army. When violence broke new ally in the fight against the Red have had in the Congo it becomes hard out in the south of the country, then Threat. to appreciate exactly why Congo’s his- President Lumumba turned to the So- Since then, the world and his mum tory is such a tragedy. viets for military aid to stamp down have been trying to get a piece of the Like most of Africa’s pains, Congo’s the rebellion. Then Chief of Staff of the Congo pie. Congo has 80% of the story starts with a white European Army Mobutu managed to get hold of world’s cobalt, massive copper and colonist. Our particular colonist for an absurd amount of money, paid his zinc deposits and vast quantities of dia- this country was King Leopold II, a army privately, staged a coup, arrested monds, but getting to these resources cheeky Belgian chappie who acquired the President and eventually (in 1971) is usually too dangerous for compa- the Congo in 1885 and named it The took over the country. nies. So instead of setting up shop in Congo Free State. Of course, consider- But where did he get the money? the Congo, they just pay people to ing that the entire country was legally How did he get the technical know smuggle the resources over the borders slave operated and the cobalt is then closed down, slaves were abandoned. his personal property the name was a how to beat a Soviet led force? Who and sell them on the international mar- smuggled into countries like Rwanda For some this was a wonderful chance lie, but apparently no-one bothered to started all the strife in the south in the ket. Western exploitation has made the before being sold on the international to get back to their old lives. For oth- call him out on it. first place? And why? Congo much poorer than it should be, market. Because cobalt is fungible ers, who knew nothing beyond min- Congo in hand, Leopold then went Up to the 60’s Belgian companies had exacerbating ethnic tensions and push- (meaning that one kilo of cobalt is the ing, this was horrific. Unable to farm, on to extract all the resources he could enjoyed special access to the Congo’s ing Congo deeper into trouble. same as any other kilo of the stuff) uneducated and without any means to from the country in a brutal, oppres- resources and had significant commer- One of the most interesting of these it gets traded and re-traded several support themselves many perished. sive and deceitful manner. But to be cial interests in the region. So when smuggled goods is cobalt. Cobalt is times in the commodity market before It’s not a big step to think that the fair to him, everyone was doing it; un- the Congolese army started rebelling used to make capacitors, which turn it usually reaches the final user. This recent increase in cobalt prices has der the guise of humanitarian aid, col- against remaining Belgian influence, it up in just about anything electronic, means that a lot of companies don’t helped fund the new wave of civil onists built a transport infrastructure became apparent that the government from mobile phones to airbags. East- know where their cobalt is coming unrest in the Congo. It won’t be a big that would move resources efficiently would need to step in to protect it’s ern Congo is a readily available source from – and to be honest, they usually step to think that when this funding to the sea. They then took whatever companies. So while the army was in of cobalt but because of the situation don’t care. disappears, things will become harder they could fit onto their ships and left. strife, the Belgian government encour- it’s in the country can’t exploit the re- The demand for cobalt has meant for people in the area. A lot of people Road and Rail infrastructure was set aged unrest in the south to destabilise sources for it’s own benefit. Instead the that coltan mines have become key point out that companies can respon- up to take plundered goods out of the the country. Sure, some people got cobalt mines in the Congo are largely strategic areas for fighting groups in sibly source their cobalt, and while this eastern Congo. Rebel and government is true, it doesn’t change the fact that groups have battled fiercely for control not all companies do, and it doesn’t of the mining operations, and utilis- protect the Congo from cobalt price ing the funds to intensify the conflict. fluctuations. Both groups have been accused of us- So, they’re screwed if we consume ing slaves (made up of prisoners of war and they’re screwed if we don’t. Seems and unlucky civilians) to mine the re- like a no win situation huh? sources worsening the damage of the No. war. The DRC (Democratic Republic of Now before we start it’s worth point- Congo) has vast potential. If developed ing out that the Congo only provides it could provide investors with huge about 1% of the worlds cobalt, and returns in a very short period of time. critics of the link between cobalt con- The problem is making the region sta- sumption and the fate of the Congo ble enough for companies to move in are always keen to point this out. That and trade fairly with the Congolese argument is ridiculous. Firstly, the 1% people. That’s where governments figure is likely to be an artificially low- have been trying to step in, that’s why ered figure because of the difficulty countries with little or no history with involved in tracing smuggled cobalt. the Congo are getting involved with Secondly that 1% is enough to cause peace talks now. They’ll claim that hu- serious damage - it’s estimated that the manitarian interests are at the heart of Rwandan army has made $500m from their concerns, but that’s just a sham. coltan (the impure ore form of cobalt) If the Congo becomes a stable region, smuggling in the last 18 months alone. I’ll bet anything that investors will be And finally, just because the Congo flown in, in UN helicopters to buy up only provides a small amount of the the area. But – and here’ the shocker – worlds cobalt doesn’t mean that it isn’t that’s a good thing. affected by global demand. Companies do more for the third When the Playstation 2 was launched world than charity does. Government cobalt prices rose from roughly $50 a aid usually has political strings at- pound to about $275 a pound. That tached, which just leads to trouble, and put huge pressure on the coltan mines the majority of charity groups don’t to produce more, forcing more people provide any useful long-term solu- into slavery. With the last console cycle tions. If anything is going to save the (Wii’s, PS3’s, Xbox 360’s) coltan prices poor, it’s corporations. spiked and according to some report- Now don’t get me wrong, there ers, so did the price of slaves in the have been plenty of examples of com- Congo. With everyone rushing to buy mercial exploitation of the poor and I Wii’s for their kids this Christmas, it’s don’t condone its practice in any way – a sobering thought to think that you’re which is why we need to watch what’s contributing to the trauma of slaves in happening. Corporations shouldn’t just a faraway land. be allowed to do whatever they want, Conversely in times when cobalt but they should have the freedom to prices drop (as they will once enough operate and should have protection people have bought consoles) things from extremeist groups. If you let that get worse for coltan slaves. In 2001 happen, it would change Africa quicker (following the internet bubble burst- than aid ever could, and then, maybe, ing) cobalt prices plummeted leaving we wouldn’t have to worry about slaves miners in dire straits. When the mines making our stuff. 14 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 15 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Mike Cook, Rosie Greyburn, Caz Knight and David Paw Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] Retro tripping on the Shad Thames Caz Knight embarks on an epic voyage to see an Alan Aldridge retrospective at the Design Museum

dd ‘psychedelic’ to any exhibition but it has all the optimis- unearth some fantastic new thing. I felt One of the more memorable pieces I left feeling elated but deflated sentence, phrase or word tic innocence which characterises the same way when I was introduced to was a Mini decorated in true hippy, 60’s too, frustrated that I live in a decade My own private Gethsemane and I’m there. So it was Aldridge’s work and childhood itself; a the art of H.R. Giger for the first time. style encompassing both a feminine in which it sucks to be young, where with Alan Aldridge’s ret- place where the mundane is forgotten Put into artistic terms, to quote H.S. energy on one side and masculine style music, fashion and youth culture are relives the good times of New Labour at the National Theatre rospective at the Design and replaced by a sense of ease, a sense Thompson, “it just never [gets] weird on the other. The piece is a commemo- trite and where no one cares anymore Benedict Fraser Museum. The Independent’s Informa- of exploration and a hankering for the enough for me”. There is just so much ration to both the 1965 Mini Aldridge about being original and outrageous. Ation the previous weekend advertised strange. Perhaps the very antithesis going on, so much colour, vibrancy, designed for the Sunday Times cover True, the hippy ideals of the 60’s could he hypocrisy of political sense of the politician as human being, genuinely touching. Her husband has off towards the end of the play. Jessica the exhibition as “psychedelic images of the society in which we live which freshness and beauty but without ever as well as Mini’s own 50th anniversary not be maintained in any progressive life, and existential crises at ease away from the soap box. The become a fundraiser for the party. His Raine is excellent as her daughter: by and designs” and that is all the per- doles out pressure, encouraging us to making one feel overwhelmed. in 2009. Just to make me even more society or beyond one’s twenties, but when faced with the sti- play asks questions about morality in disenchantment grows culminating in turns acid-tongued, by turns delicate, suading I needed. A quick peruse on conform, be in control and be normal. Aldridge shares a quality with Giger content was an animated compilation the kids then did appear to have a lot fled individualism of the political life (where does the boundary that tried and tested technique, the ex- thoughtful and genuine, I couldn’t im- Google images and my intrigue turned Throughout my meanderings back of being able to be intensely dark, of Aldridge’s art work with a sublime more fun. modern world: themes lie between public and private, party tended-diatribe-from-nowhere, which agine a better harmony between writer into excitement as I made my way over and forth and round the space, I felt twisted and masculine. Yet he also pos- Pink Floyd soundtrack, projected onto If Shad Thames is just too far east for running through the heart of David and individual?), but gives few an- felt like deus ex machina, Hare himself and actor. She deals admirably with a to Shad Thames, located right next to like I was getting a treat and as if I was sesses a quality of the intensely ethe- the wall taking us hurtling though vor- you then check out www.alanaldridge. THare’s latest political offering – and swers; Meredith, through her own pri- bursting onto stage. Though bewilder- script (otherwise pitch perfect) whose the bastion of English Heritage: Tower on the brink of an amazing new dis- real, mystical and feminine which is texes with kaleidoscopic effects: think net or purchase his autobiographies Caz Knight occasionally jumping up to slap us in vate Gethsemane, comes to terms with ing in the extreme, this is one of a few knowledge of teenage dialect stretches Bridge and the formidable Tower of covery and in a way I was. A feeling not necessarily evident in each of his iTunes visualiser on a kooky concoc- Phantasia, or the recently published the face, with mixed results. Meredith her driven political nature but there is borderline absurdist elements to pro- to fitting the word ‘like’ into appro- London. The world I was about to visit I always get when I see or hear of or illustrations. tion of psilocybin, acid and mescaline! The Man With the Kaleidoscope Eyes. Arts Editor Guest (Tamsin Greig), the Home Sec- no final resolution with her daughter, ceedings, within the context of a finely priate places in the sentence – thank- couldn’t have been further removed retary has a couple of problems, in and we are left with a lingering lack of wrought balance between the subtle fully the audience were uniformly over from the medieval nostalgia just a riv- y recent trips to the the form of a teenage daughter look- sympathy for such an intelligent yet and the stylised. This is a good play. 40, but I felt for the actress. Stanley er’s breadth away. Design Museum and ing to get herself expelled from the emotionally detached character. This With more character development it Townsend, playing the amoral Otto, Please pardon my hideously unimag- to the Cold War De- private school she’s been put into and is not helped by one-dimensional por- could be very good. the most consistent character, domi- inative turn of phrase but this trip was sign exhibition at the an over-anxious party fundraiser (the trayal of bullyboy Blair, complete with The set design is impressive and nates his scenes to imbue proceedings seriously far out…man. One climbs V&A got me think- ominously named Otto Fallon, played drum kit and weights bench. Yes, she is exciting: a cosmopolitan modernist with the pout and swagger of New La- the two flights of stairs to be greeted ing about design. I find it to be a bit of by Stanley Townsend), conveniently a sympathetic in comparison, but is that cube-like shifting structure, dancing bour in its heyday. “Remind me why by a huge version of one of Aldridge’s Ma confusing word and unless you are a governor of the school, who has made really saying much? with tinsel-town lights (at the first we shouldn’t be in power forever?” he bold creations, serving to half conceal “designer” yourself, it can be difficult moves to stop that from happening – The subplot, however, centred scene change I thought I’d entered a asks. A line about the booming econo- the entrance of what we are about to to know one exactly means. specifically a new gym. Ideal fodder around Meredith’s daughter Suzette modern art exhibit). Tamsin Greig my immediately dates the piece; see it receive. One step in and already we are “Art” is a term very much instilled for the ever-loving press, the face of a (Jessica Raine) and her mentor figure handles things well from the excellent now as a reminder of the good times, in another dimension. The very high in us since those days of macaroni judgmental public. Lori (Nicola Walker), who goes through opening scene, although she is ulti- before that ticket money goes on your ceilings of the space are made use of, to artwork and glue munching in kinder- Hare does well to create that rare her own crisis of conscience, remains mately let down by a part which trails mortgage. cover wall and floors completely with garten. So, for someone who thinks blown-up versions of his work. The she knows a little more about art, de- effect is warren-like – making us feel sign and culture than the average Joe strangely small, dwarfed by the giant Imperial, I was still struggling to im- Aldridge himself, and many others, set agine what I would encounter in an against a black background. exhibition entitled Cold War Design. Aldridge had an auspicious start Strolling through the rather redundant to his career by managing to pass off exhibition Design Cities at the Design another’s work as his own to establish Museum, I came to my own conclu- himself in a career until his natural tal- sions about what I think design is. ent as an illustrator impressed Penguin Design is, in a sense, art with a publishers, when they asked him to function; something that strives to be redesign covers for their fiction books. useful, attractive (even beautiful) that It would be the start of a long career requires skill and creativity to make. in which he always strived to seek new Designers bridge a gap between the challenges and styles, pushing himself methodical approach commonly found further. in the Sciences and the creativity of As well as working on album cover art. Except what design lacks (which art with many bands such as the Roll- art often has), is a supposed meaning- ing Stones and Elton John, one of his a message and a richness of emotion. better works includes illustrating the That is not to say design cannot Beatles lyrics book with each song conjure these things for certain people. translated into a beautiful, surreal and Everything in the world is subjective to colourful image. Aldridge describes a certain extent. I am certain there are them as illustrations of the 60’s, con- those who see the sublimity in physics, veying the decade’s social and cultural I think I certainly would if I were a little history. less ignorant. The second “Beatles” room changes So, design can include a panoply of the tempo and feel of the exhibition as ‘things’: furniture, crockery, cutlery, we emerge from the dark and into the kitchenware, fashion, patterns used considerably lighter. Again, every inch in decorating the above, technology of walls and floors are white, covered and even cars. All of the above serve a with all the illustrations. function but a certain style and allure The effect is like being suspended in is required of them to give pleasure the clouds with these dream-like crea- as they are used and to attract the tions encircling you rather than them consumer. being a 2D decoration and encased One thing I appreciated from Design in frames on the walls. In each draw- Cities was the huge gap created by ing he has managed to encapsulate the the Industrial Revolution. We went very essence of each song whilst add- from craftsmanship where everything ing more of his own interpretations was made by hand, resulting in a into their meaning. significantly less amount of product, In awe of Tenniel’s illustrations ac- to mass production with consumer companying Lewis Carroll’s (magic) culture in mind. Craftsmen had to mushroom-inspired novel, Alice in rethink their design and patterns: a Wonderland, Aldridge decided he pattern easily etched by hand would not wanted to illustrate a Victorian chil- be as easily undertaken by machine. dren’s novel as well. The Butterfly Ball Design (exhibitions) gives us an and the Grasshopper’s Feast put a pre- insight into historical context, the viously unheard of novel to the fore- culture of a time. Perhaps it is the front of public attention and looking modern equivalent of unearthing at the illustrations through an adult ancient artifacts at a dig, a snapshot eye’s, I was delighted at the world he of an age. This is certainly true of the has created to bring the book alive. In other exhibition currently showing at homage to this effort, a funhouse-style the Design Museum, a retrospective of room has been installed in the exhibi- the work of illustrator Alan Aldridge tion with green, mirrored walls and which goes a long way to evoking the larger-than-life sized cutouts of hang- saccharine, sugar cube-filled days of ing butterflies and insects to recreate the 60’s. All this has me wondering this fantasy land. why people ever stopped taking acid. That guy. You know – he was kinda important at some point. He was good at beating around the bush. I think. There is nothing childish about this No wonder the dodos are extinct, if that’s the way they used to carry on. Is that a patchwork-backed cow-turtle? 16 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 17 Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts Warning: may cause adverse effects Six Characters in Search of an Author Substance-fuelled creativity – up to the hype or a sorry cliche? Rosie Milton explores what happens when The Gielgud’s latest production offers a modern slant on a classic. Natalia Jardon King reports back Russian artists get on the hallucinogens at Mushrooms of the Russian Avant-Garde upert Goold and Ben Pow- the family intrude on a TV drama- tion, but the engrossing tragedy of Pi- a doll-like child. It shocks and justi- dwarfed by that of the family or maybe er have produced another documentary about assisted suicide in randello’s family steals the lime-light. fies the previous accusations that the because as clever as the producer’s classic with a twist. After Denmark. Suicide, sibling murder and incest Father had exposed his paedophiliac wandering backstage is, stumbling all combining the Chapman Before the six characters invade the seem more interesting when compared preference by his daily visits to the the way to next door’s Les Miserables Brothers with ‘Dr Faus- scene, the producer and her colleagues to a discussion concerning levels of re- girl's school gates. McDiarmid and seemed redundant, time-consuming tus’, they have re-interpreted Piran- are striving to construct an engaging ality in art. Gough give the best performances by and even absurd. It’s a pity, for the Rdello’s ‘Six Characters in Search of an but faithful representation of death. There are moments when the audi- capturing the guilt and desperation 20 minute stretch was in fact a detri- Author’. Once interrupted, the family introduce ence squirm silently in their seats- in that inhabit their lives. The scene is ment to what should have been a very In the 1921 original, six characters the more controversial debate as to particular at the re-enactment of brilliantly capped off by the mother’s moving end. That’s not to say however storm into a stage rehearsal and de- who is real in the play- the characters the Father’s assault on his own step- interruption and sudden rendering of that Noma Dumezweni doesn’t give mand that their story be told. Aban- themselves, the actors hired for dra- daughter. pain through an operatic aria. her character force. And it’s worth the doned by their creator, this is their matic reconstruction in the Danish We are entranced as McDiarmid But it fails to present an awe-inspir- visit- if only for the beautiful depiction only hope of release. The modern pro- documentary, or the producer? sinisterly snips Denise Gough's sus- ing production. Perhapsbecause the of chaos, pain and dark fears of the Pi- duction at the Gielgud Theatre sees This is definitely a fresh interpreta- penders before transforming her into subsequent tragedy of the producer is randellian family.

The modern take reinterprets and gives Pirandello’s (r) work a decidedly fresh and modern slant. It seems they’ve carried his classic and impeccable sense of style too.

phoenix I’m sure the exhibition won’t look this terrifying when you go. Also, despite appearances, the exhibits are not edible.

he last time I wrote for the exhibition’s curator Nadim Julien Third International’ (1919). Makarevich and Elagina want religion and the social systems of felix, it was regarding Samman, I can only reveal to the reader us to understand what they have Russia, inviting consideration. In a the Cold War Modern: my interpretation from a critical point understood from the past, from their featured fascinating video recording, Design exhibition at the of view. “the exhibition perspective. Although ideas filtered Sergei Kurehin proceeds to inform us, V&A museum. From this About the mushroom: Amanita through psychedelics are not exactly in all seriousness, that he has proof that perspective we were able to see the muscaria, or the fly agaric (the most offers a stable, it offers a fresh and bizarrely Russian revolutionary and communist direct impact the Cold War had on well recognised of the basidiomycete fresh and understandable version of events Vladimir Lenin was a mushroom. theT creatively-minded of the era – do- fungi), is effectively a poisonous, yet from history that are far removed Through simple, technical diagrams mestically in terms of propaganda and psychoactive toadstool – instantly understandable from the dusty and factual accounts of he shares his claim (available to view most importantly, the strong impres- recognisable for its deep red mushroom historians. on YouTube if you need convincing) sion of nationalism which it implied. with white spotted spores on its version of events Turning now to the works and in turn allows us to understand Moving along a few years, Igor surface and its white stalk. Reactions themselves, we are presented with a the structure of Makarevich and Makarevich and Elena Elagina reveal from ingestion vary in individuals and far removed room of several similar paintings - Elagina’s work more clearly. Out of to us the strong connections that can range from nausea, euphoria and roughly cut, grainy photographs are the mushrooms grow ideas and it is they ‘experienced’, whilst under the relaxation to delirium – in the case of from the dusty used to frame silhouettes of the iconic this method of presentation that the influence of psilocybins, to the culture severe poisoning. It is made very clear accounts of fly agaric - in the thinking of these artists have chosen, all the time in and history of their Russia. to visitors of the exhibition that the artists it has become symbol for their keeping with the notion that ‘seeing Through the creative media of artists not only ingested but encourage historians” own (mind) revolution. is believing’ and with the inspiration sculpture, photography, film and the use of mushrooms for recreational There are wooden toadstool provided by the hallucinogenic power painting they have chosen to share and revelatory purposes. To Makarevich and Elagina sculptures like the onion (or of mushrooms, we can see the world OUT NEXT WEEK with the public the truths (and lies, Mushrooms & Russia: the retrospectively, the idea of the ‘tower’ mushroom)-shaped domes of Russian through Makarevich and Elagina’s should we say) that the world of connection? There is certainly a lot of was a dark and oppressive image. It was churches and one with the Tatlin eyes. Pick up your free magic mushrooms presents to those history behind the exhibition, implied Tatlin’s design for a new headquarters tower set upon it, with an ornamental who choose to indulge in a trip through multiple depictions of Russian of a world communist government. Corinthium column base – further down the rabbit hole with them. Not architecture, the realised and the The implication therefore is that Tatlin suggesting the direct relation to Mushrooms of the Russian copy with felix being someone who can at first-hand ‘fantasized’ also, including especially was acting in the spirit of irrationality, architecture. Avant-Garde will be on view at share the visions of a “mycophiliac Vladimir Tatlin’s constructivist, yet simultaneously was driven by the These images raise all kinds of ironic Club Row, E2 until 22 November. menace”, as artistically described by utopian tower – ‘Monument to the force of objectivity. and interpretive questions regarding Admission is free. 18 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 19 Film [email protected] Film Film Editors – Zuzanna Blaszczak & Jonathan Dakin [email protected] What if you could smell napalm in the morning? At one point you could, but incorporating smell into movies is an old and tried idea that simply didn’t work. Already sick of Saw I, Saw V, saw them all Mićo Tatalović illusion of reality. of a Mystery it is that motion pictures main problems were that the scents, ma-forming chemical. The emulsion Jonathan Dakin The plot is only interesting when it just how awful the denouement really In the 1940s a Swiss scientist, Hans and synthetic smells do not mix.” Time once released, would linger about and contains millions of tiny scent bub- Bond Film Editor tells you how Jigsaw originally recruited was. It is this reviewer’s opinion that From the early origins of cinema peo- Laube, who studied ‘osmics’, the sci- magazine similarly slammed Aroma- mix with other scents, causing unpleas- bles only microns in diameter. Once the new victimiser, but the new ‘games’ the Saw series should have stopped ple toyed with the idea of synchronised ence of olfaction (smell), developed a rama: “most of the production’s 31 ant smells, allergic reactions and nau- the cards are scratched, the bubbles Zuzanna Blaszczak Imagine you are a convicted murder- that are played out are tired and dull, after the second one, as the first two smell. In 1906, even before sound was machine he called Scentavision. This odours will probably seem phoney sea for some people in the audience. rupture and release volatile scents that Film Editor er and you wake up one day in a squalid mainly because we have seen them all were both original and intelligent, but introduced to cinema, a family thea- was eventually picked up by a film pro- even to an average, uneducated nose. A The release of these scents were also then find their way to people’s noses. room, strapped down to a mechanical before. This film will only make sense each subsequent film is just the same tre in Forest City, Pennsylvania used ducer, Mike Todd Jr., who re-named it accompanied by a hissing sound which Smell-o-Vision and Odorama have machine. A video begins playing on a to those of you who have already seen thing, but worse, repeated over and scents to accompany their newsreel of Smell-o-Vision and used it for a film would distract from the movie, and only been used in a handful of films ’m wondering whether like me that’s still not certain) or originals like monitor adjacent to your face and a the first four Saw films, because if you over again. the Pasadena Rose Bowl. They dipped called Scent of Mystery in 1960. “First in the case of Aroma-Rama, the scent since, including the 2006 screening of you are sick and tired of the Troy, Oliver Twist and countless others scary clown toy tells you that because haven’t then you will have no idea Why pay to see this film? Well if cotton wool into rose essence and then they moved (1895). Then they talked took a while to diffuse (although freon The New World with Collin Farrell newest James Bond film. If you that have convenietly escaped my mind you were let out of prison early on a what is going on, as no exposition is watching random people dying in dis- used an electric fan to waft the scent (1927)! Now they smell!” went the ad- gas was used to facilitate this diffusion) in cinemas in Osaka and Tokyo, and are, well I’m very sorry but I’m at this particular moment in time. Now ‘technicality’ you have not paid for what presented. gusting ways is your cup of tea, then towards the audience. vertising slogan for Smell-o-Vision. and would reach some people too late, several in amusement parks such as going to reap the benefits of this let me tell you who’s to blame, so that you have done. You then have a minute The advertising campaign for this I recommend it. But for the rest of us Then in 1929 a cinema in Boston The machine had a central ‘brain’ with when the appropriate moment in the Disneyland. English blockbuster finally coming out you can join me in my loathing and to decide whether or not to crush your film states that ‘you won’t believe how who like to watch something with a bit added a lilac fragrance to their venti- a rotating drum that housed the bottles movie had already passed. Although Iand I’m going to take an example from scathing (even though I rather doubt own hands in a rusty grinder, and by it ends’. And I agree with this, because of originality, written by someone with lation system while the opening cred- of different scents. the media hype predicted scents to be the ‘proper’ media and continue with our joint effort will amount to anything doing so survive the ordeal, or chicken the ending is of such a poor, predict- half a brain who isn’t just trying to cash its were rolling for Lilac Time and the This was connected to the film tape, as important as sound in cinema’s evo- the same story until you either know it seeing as we can’t even get the Union out and so let a swinging axe cut you in able and disappointing quality you will in on a popular idea, then I would say same year at the premiere of Broadway which contained markers that would lution, the first public appearance of by heart or want to slash your wrists to notice us). No, it’s not the directors, half. What do you? leave the cinema not quite believing don’t bother. Melody, a New York cinema released indicate when the scents were to be ‘smellies’ also marked their immediate any time you even hear the word quan- it’s not the actors, not the editors, nor This life or death scenario is the first orange blossom fragrances from the released. The scents would then travel demise. tum (which, when you’re a phycisits the producers - on the whole they work one of many presented to the audience ceiling during the screening. But these through a system of plastic pipes until Paying homage to Scent-o-Vision, like me and the majority of the felix hard, as long as they detach themselves in the fifth paint-by-numbers sequel early experiments did more to dis- they reached the audience, and were John Waters used system called Odo- staff, can become quite dangerous ). from perusing the ‘Suns’ of the world to the popular Saw franchise. Having tract the audiences than to add to film then released from under their seats. rama in his 1981 film Polyester, with So this week we have yet another re- for any mention of their humble perso- begun immediately where the forth experience. A similar contraption known as the ad slogan, “Smelling is believing!” view of Quantum of Solace and quite nas for long enough. I hold the publi- instalment left off, Saw 5 immediately Adding to the film experience was Aroma-Rama was invented by Charles In Odorama, the audience would re- unsurprisingly the critique isn’t very cists responsible. lets rip, both figuratively and meta- also the idea behind ‘feelies: cinemas Weiss: it released scents through the ceive scratch-and-sniff cards as they favourable. There seems to be a gener- They are the ones who get paid ridic- phorically, and quickly descends into of the future envisaged by Aldous Hux- cinema’s ventilation system and over entered the cinema. The cards had 10 al consensus reached about the movie ulous money to sell you a product that another bland and torturous hour and ley in his cult novel Brave New World 30 scents were used in the 1959 film scents covered by 10 numbers and the – rubbish editing of action sequences, doesn’t exist, a film so gripping, so new, a half. (1932). Behind the Great Wall. Aroma-Rama audience would have to wait until a lack of proper story line and no chance so exhilarating that you’ve never seen The plot involves the serial killer Alongside 3D vision and sound, these was advertised with the slogan, “You number would flash on the screen to for Daniel Craig to use his acting skills. one like it before. And that’s probably Jigsaw’s protégé continuing his work cinemas would offer the physical sen- must breathe it to believe it.” scratch and sniff a scent related to that And since I am not a particularly vig- true, but what is rarely mentioned is of forcing people into sick games in sation of touch and movement (‘feely’ Neither of these technologies were moment in the movie. urous Bond fan (read: I probably care that you will, in fact, never see a movie which they have to torture themselves effects) and “synchronized scent-organ accepted by audiences or critics. One The scents included pizza, leather, more about what my biophysics lec- like that. Because the truth of the mat- or others to survive, the purpose being accompaniment”, all of which were in- New York Times film critic said, “if beautiful old pine grove in Peking, for flowers, a skunk, natural gas and farts. turer had for dinner than whether they ter is that the PR people have quite that if they are successful in their plight tended to enhance the spectator’s im- there is anything of a lasting value to instance, smells rather like a subway The cards were printed with an emul- ever make another movie in the series), remarkably realised that our imagina- their survival will allow them to truly mersion into the film by increasing the be learned from Michael Todd’s Scent restroom on a disinfectant day.” The sion of essential oils containing an aro- I’ll take any chance I get to see the film tions are our best worst enemy. So long appreciate their lives. The plot focuses run down by reviewers. as something stays only a vague idea in on the new killer (Mandylor) and a But don’t you just hate it when mov- our tiny brains we can’t become disil- cop (Paterson) trying to catch him, but ies disappoint? Guess that’s what par- lusioned about it. It’s no secret that the while this cat and mouse chase plays ents feel when their kid does something more publicity a film gets, the more out five criminals have to work their stupid and shows up pregnant (unless we think about it. But beware, cause way through a series of rooms, each they are Juno’s parents that is). Other the moment you start thinking about containing a survival game, until only At the Film Cynic Clinic Coming Out Soon highly anticipated films that turned out a movie before having seen it, you ef- one of them is left standing at the end. to be cold, bland dishes include, well, fectively sabotage it. P.S. Did you know Violence ensues. Heads roll. People Stuart Higgins almost every sequel ever made (apart that they use CG effects to blot out are torn, shredded, electrocuted and Teenage thrills with Twilight? from the Godfather maybe, and even Keira Knightley’s spot marks? blown apart. Then it ends. This guy has clearly gone over the top for the Masquerade Ball This week it was suggested that as part of this column, I might actually consid- Jonathan Dakin might remember as the girl who looks er reviewing a film. True, over the past Film Editor like a boy in Panic Room), a seventeen few weeks I’ve tended to avoid com- year old who moves to a new town is menting on current films and instead A teenage girl falls in love with a vam- immediately smitten with vampire Ed- focussed on some of the other aspects pire in this romantic-fantasy. Wait a ward (Robert Pattinson, who is famous of cinema in general. However this minute. Did you just read that correct- for being Cedric Diggory in the awful Once more, but with a bit week I will try my hardest, to produce ly? A chick flick about vampires? Are Harry Potter films), but their forbid- a succinct, accurate and fair judgement you losing your sight? Are you crazy? den love threatens to destroy their lives on a new release. No you aren’t, but if you haven’t heard and tear them apart. I mean, to quote a popular BBC car about Twilight until now, then you Although Twilight is a hugely antici- more feeling please and caravanning show, “how hard can should be questioning your awareness pated film within a certain community it be?” All one has to do is to pick a of the outside world. (Buffy fans I’m looking at you) it has We give the newest Bond film another chance, but will the new film at random from the week’s deluge Twilight, the novel this film is based such wide mainstream appeal that it of celluloid and string together an ar- on, is an extremely popular and suc- should be worth a gander. And if the reviewer be kinder than last weeks? ray of outlandish archaic adjectives, cessful series of books for young romance is too schmaltzy for you, then interspersed like tiny gravel islands in adults, mainly aimed at girls who like a hopefully there will be enough ac- a river of contrived metaphor. As long little bit of horror on the side. Isabella tion and horror in it to appeal to the (played by Kristen Stewart, who you Quantum of Solace HHKKK the men who caused him to lose the of the fun and exhilaration that Casino as you don’t state: “It was nice, I had a masses. only woman he ever loved, and the Royale had left us with. We were ex- real good time, and I would probably Director: Marc Forster woman who eventually betrayed him, pecting a tantalising new type of Bond, say that you ought to see Shrek 3 too”, Writer: Paul Haggis et al Vesper (the beautiful Eva Green). He hot, sexy and ready to go. This brings then you should be fine. Cast: Daniel Craig, discovers that the men who black- us back to the old Bond who was fail- But what is the critics’ role? What pur- Olga Kurylenko, mailed Vesper into deceiving him, con- ing to raise an audience and ready to be pose should a review serve to the read- “the film”, and you then change the var- subjective nature of pretty much every Mathieu Almaric trol an organisation (Quantum) more shelved. I wanted to be on the edge of er? Is it a mere quantitative assessment iable called “the reviewer”, which inci- aspect of the process. So what should a complex than the CIA or MI5 had ever my seat, but instead I was half-asleep. of a film, based on a number of discrete dentally means that pretty much none review be? Perhaps it is simply enter- imagined. Thus, he sets out on a con- It was mediocre and left me longing to well-defined categories that allow the of your results are recorded on compa- tainment. Something to read, perhaps Priya Garg fusing mission to uncover the truth be- be watching its predecessor. generation of a meaningful integer be- rable scales. Are the results repeatable? trusting the writer’s judgement a little hind Quantum and prevent Dominic The storyline is poorly thought out tween 1 and 5? Sure we can rank the Ah well, that depends on what mood in your own decision making. Perhaps Two sexy spies (one named Strawberry Greene who heads this criminal group, and its translation onto screen is even thousands of films out there with a the experimenter is in on the day. not. Either way however you interpret Fields) a brush with the Bolivian se- from exploiting the world’s natural re- worse. There is little or no dialogue dynamic range of 5. The silliness and At least there’s no danger that the re- it, enjoy this weeks’ reviews and nor- cret service, a fighter jet spinning out sources. Absurdly, there is also a flim- worth remembering in this film and frivolities Hot Fuzz easily place it as a sult, or the review in this case, could mal, more cynical service will resume of control, two memorable car chases sy sub-plot, which Bond gets caught Daniel Craig’s acting talents seemed to firm 5, alongside the achingly beauti- bias future data. Actually, well no, that shortly. and a body count climbing with every up in, involving a General Medrano be limited to a few grimaces and nu- ful (damn those darn pesky adjectives could also happen. It follows logically Comments? Please respond to: scene. Pistols, fist fights, explosions, and a attractive young spy for Bolivia merous encounters with M. The Bond again) Lost in Translation, with its el- that someone reading a good review [email protected] . a white shirt that seems to never get (Camille) who is on her own personal girls are limited in their roles and far egantly composed scenes (and lack of about a movie will be more encouraged stained, jet-setting from London to assassination mission. Both are tied up too clichéd. It feels rushed, over-pro- ending/purpose). Hang on a minute, to see it, thus making it more popular This Week: Haiti to Bolivia and to top it all off, a somehow, in relations with the treach- duced and too concerned with its own so the Cornetto-munching, shotgun- and therefore leading to more good re- Imperial Popcorn Recipe villain named Dominic Greene with erous business of Quantum. flashy exterior to worry about the sto- toting cops, are numerically the same views. Most critics are unlikely to turn Ingredients: 400g of Popping Corn lank hair, a manic expression and a sa- So why was I so very disappointed ry it is trying to tell. This should have as Bill Murray’s masterfully disparate around and criticise something that is 2 Cans of Red Bull distic streak who is determined to take with Quantum of Solace? It had all the been the film of the year, and it could character? It doesn’t make any sense. blatantly doing well, and this all leaves 4 Cups of JCR Coffee over the world. What could be more elements of a ‘true Bond’ but the pieces have been! If you take the review and shine the us in a rather muddled situation. 10 ml Union Dregs Bond than that? were put together without any feeling Quantum of Solace, all style and un- infallible *cough* beacon of science It is likely therefore that my initial prog- Place all ingredients together in a suit- This film takes up where the bril- or wit. It was clumsily arranged and too fortunately, little substance. Bring back upon it, then things get even worse. nosis was wrong. A review cannot be able container, subject to intense pres- liant Casino Royale left off, with James focussed on the shaky camera action Martin Campbell and let’s have some So you’ve got this experiment and each a numerical assessment of a film; this sure for 3-4 years and serve on a bed of Maybe this young cast can do a better job at entertaining us than (Daniel Craig) vowing revenge against during the fight scenes to get back any proper Bond direction. This time Bond is overshadowed by mindless violence and lack of plot. time you change this variable called system simply doesn’t work due to the lost hope. their older colleagues. phoenix

OUT NEXT WEEK!

Get your free copy with next week’s issue of felix 22 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 23 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro [email protected]

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday

PPS Talk Christian Improvisation A Crisis of EWB Talk What Changes is Obama Union Workshop Interest “Climate Healers brings togeth- Bringing to the USA? Politi- er action on climate change cal Philosophy Society hosts Hasn’t Science Disproved Try out a free improvisation lslamic Society invites you to & poverty reduction with new William D. Barnard, Chair of Christianity? Come and hear a workshop courtesy of Dram- explore a feasible & growing technology and microfinance Democrats Abroad UK, in an brief yet logical and balanced soc. Anyone is welcome – no ethical alternative to interest- to help rural communities informal discussion on the re- response to this question, ac- prior experience necessary! based finance; with Tarek Di- in India - and you!” A talk by cent victory of Barack Obama companied by tea, coffee, wany & Baron Junaid Bhatti. Sailesh Rao for anyone who’s in the USA and what change scones and jam with a chance Time: 2pm - 5pm interested in development or this heralds for the country to ask questions and discuss. Place: Union Dining Hall, Beit Time: 6pm global warming issues. and the world. Price: Admission Free Place: G16, SAF Time: 12:15pm - 1:30pm Price: Admission Free Time: 12:30pm - 2pm Time: 6pm Place: Seminar Room 1, Beit Place: LT 342, Mech Eng Place: Room 344, Huxley Price: Admission Free Price: Admission Free Price: Admission Free Pakistan Soc “High Stakes: The Battle on Welcome to the new- the Pakistan-Afghanistan Bor- Games Night look What’s on! We’re der.” A discussion followed by trying out a new layout an open Q&A session. iCU Cinema Aunties & Enjoy a fun Caribbean themed so please let us know Games Night with West In- what you think. Time: 6pm Double Bill Uncles dian Society. Games for the Place: Pippard LT, Lvl 5 evening include poker (with a What’s on will cover Sherfield A special double showing with Meet your Uncles and Aunties prize up for grabs!), cranium, events running from Mon- Price: Free/£2 (members/non- free entry for all iCU Cinema at the Reynolds with Indian Caribbean card games and day-Sunday every week. members) members. If you’re not already Society! There’s fun for all free light refreshments. If you would like to feature a member, come along anyway the “family” with wholesome a Club or Society event in - membership will be available activities like karaoke, games Time: 6pm - 10pm What’s on, you will need Classical Gui- on the door, and you’ll get a and the feared Chilli Contest... Place: Room 315, Chem Eng to submit the following: free voucher for the next iCU Price: £2/£3 (Members/Non- tar Concert Cinema showing. Time: 8 till late Members) £2 each if you bring - Club name Place: Reynolds, Charing a friend. - Event name In Memory of Francisco Tár- Films courtesy of Sony and Cross - Date(s) & Time rega. Come and enjoy the best Sublime Promotions. Price: £3/£4 (members/non- - Place of classical guitar music. members) - Price (if applicable) Film: Step Brothers - Short description of the Time: 7pm Time: 6pm Jazz & Folk event (max. 30 words) Place: Read LT, Lvl 5 Sherfield Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit Price: £3 Price: Free (members) Night Deadline for submissions for next week’s edition Film: Pineapple Express A chance to chill out with Jazz is midnight on Monday iCU Cinema Time: 9pm & Rock. Headliners include the 17th November. There Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit John Randall Quintet with spe- is limited space, so all Film: Superbad Price: Free (members) cial guests Yveage, and Jacob entries are subject to Time: 6pm and the Hillbillies. editorial snipping and we cannot guarantee that Film: You Don’t Mess With The Time: 8pm everybody who sends an Zohan Place: dB’s, Beit email will feature. Time: 9pm Price: Admission Free Email: Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit [email protected] Price: Free (members)

Art Exhibition ICSM Choir Concert SIFE Imperial invites you to the Unheard Voices of Africa Arts Exhibi- Get into the festive spirit with ICSM Music Society! Repertoire in- tion in conjunction with the TEKUA project, which provides economic cludes parts of Handel’s Messiah and A Celebration of St. Cecilia’s Saturday and intellectual opportunities to students in Tanzania. Day. Time: 1pm - 5pm Time: 7:30pm Place: dB’s Place: St. Stephen’s Church, SW7 Price: Free Price: Free/£5 (students/non-students)

Orienteering Picture of the Week Paradise Wildlife CHIG Regional is a large orienteering event with several hundred participants of all levels, incl. beginners. Come along for a Mill Bridge, by William Turner Sunday fun day out in lovely Broxbourne Woods, only 40 min from London! Contact: [email protected] for more information. BSc Geology Time: 10am – 2pm Place: Broxbourne Woods, Herts We want to exhibit your art. Send in your photographs. Price: £7 - £10 [email protected] 244 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 25 The Lord Mayor’s Show: City and Guilds College Union celebrate 100 years of British aviation

n 1215, King John allowed the how cool aeroplanes can be! With that following proudly behind would be the and discovered just how demanding City of London’s residents the in mind and the 100th anniversary of RCS motor club fire engine Jez. 8-year-old children really can be when right to elect their own mayor, the first British powered flight occur- The motor club also made them- they think they might get something or the first time. The new Mayor ring in October we thought it a fitting selves useful by giving Tom and Owen for free. was to be presented to the Sov- tribute to build a replica of that origi- a lift to collect the generator and speak- The procession passed by many City ereign, and so was accompanied by his nal plane complete with wooden wing ers in the back of the RSM motor club of London landmarks including The : J ulien weissenberg Isupporters in a parade through the city. spas, stretched canvas wing coverings mascot Clem, a 1926 1-Tonne truck. Bank of England, Mansion House, St This was the first Lord Mayor’s show, and simple riveted propellers. Cruising down Kings Road we man- Paul’s Cathedral and Embankment. which has been an annual feature ever Work began on the organisation back aged to get the Ferrari driver in front Impressively large crowds braved the s P h OTO since. in June, securing sponsorship from pretty annoyed as people stopped to weather to ensure that the entire route The modern Lord Mayor’s show BP and registering our entry with the take pictures of us completely ignoring was lined with cheering and smil- has evolved into a grand parade that Pageantmaster. Tom worked tirelessly his £100,000 pride and joy. ing faces. Lunch was provided by the includes the old and new livery com- to set up a top-notch CAD model us- When the day of the parade came girl guides (no joke) and many people panies, charities, various armed serv- ing his solidworks skills to create a set around months of hard work and ef- chose to supplement their sandwiches ices and representatives of Londoners of drawings and part-numbers which fort came together and with the help of with a warm glass of mulled wine al- from all walks of life. The 3-mile long proved invaluable during the build willing and enthusiastic volunteers the though Phil Lui opted for something a parade winds its way passed the sights stages. day went off with barely a hitch. By the little stronger. of the city of London, converging on We waited until coming back to Lon- time we arrived at our start point the It was at the signature point of the the Royal Courts of Justice, where the don for the new term to start construc- balloons had been blown into a single whole parade, right in front of the Lord Mayor takes an oath of allegiance tion. After we were kindly loaned tangled mass of red and white and the Grandstands that Phil (call him Rich- to the sovereign. some garage space from the motor chalk boards had been washed clean by ard) picked as his 2 minutes of fame. This year’s Lord Mayor is Ian David club we ordered the timber, screws driving rain. The boards were quickly Sighting out an unsuspecting lady in Samuel Franklin Luder, born and educated in London, and bolts, begged and borrowed tools addressed by John and Sam with some the crowd, Phil lined her up and with it is his role to promote the City of and favours and finally the construc- rapid chalk overwriting and the bal- an aeroplane flight of pinpoint accu- Cody London, both at home and abroad, as tion began. Many a long night was loons were sorted out by Suzie and racy and managed to spear her right the world’s leading financial centre. spent measuring, marking, cutting, Amanda who settled on large bundles between the eyes. Much to the be- Officially, he also takes on a number gluing and screwing in our cold but on each corner of the float. musement of the target and her hus- Born: 6th March 1867 (Davenport, Iowa) of other roles, including Admiral of homely garage tucked away under- Nobody could’ve predicted how ef- band, the entire population of our float the Port of London, Chancellor of City neath the ACEX building. Bit by bit fective a fake moustache and some long simultaneously swivelled on the spot Early life: Cody grew up on the plains of Iowa, University and presides over the Court and assembly by assembly the model coats could be to transform Harry and to look the opposite way and deny all living the life of cowboy. of Aldermen and the Court of Com- began to take shape, first the fuselage, Veronica, two 21st Century Londoners knowledge of the incident. mon Council. then the wings, then the tail and finally into the spitting image of Mr & Mrs The day ended with the rather strange 1898-1901: Cody became interested in kites As the constituant college of the on a cold Thursday evening the canvas Samuel Cody, but I saw it with my own picture of Sam Cody in full 1908 cos- while touring Europe giving shooting and origninal livery companies, City & went on and the Cody Flyer replica was eyes and it was so. With the finished tume happily riding around Moorgate horse riding displays. Guilds College Union enter a float in complete. plane, Sam Cody himself and a stiff on a Segway, we held up the army for the Lord Mayor’s show. This years en- Aside from the main build we had to breeze we were more than tempted to a few minutes so that we could take 1901: Cody patented his kite design and of- try was conceived and created by Owen sort out lorry hire, design banners and cut the ties and let her fly, the Marshals some pictures and then we went home. fered it to the War Office for use in the second Connick and Tom Murray from the leaflets, make playlists, hire speakers however were not quite so keen so we Via the pub of course. Boer war. Aeronautics department. Owen tells and post off essential security paper- erred on the side of caution and kept Special thanks go to all who helped felix about the float, the theme and the work. We ordered Helium balloons, pa- everyone and everything on board the with the organisation, and most of all 1905: Cody begins to work with kites for the day itself: per aeroplane flyers and had matching lorry. It was for the best really. to everyone who came along and made Royal Engineers. He later works on airships, Every year the City & Guilds Col- T-Shirts and scarves. The Cody Flyer Through some combination of Dam- it a day to remember. which were the British armed forces’ primary lege Union enters a float into the Lord would be accompanied on the float by busters, Top Gun and paper aeroplanes interest for flying machines at the time. Mayor’s Show. In the last few years, the C&G motor club mascot Bo’ and we won over the hearts of the watching the theme has involved; an MRI scan- crowds. Owen provided entertainment Article written by Owen Connick 1908: Workking for the armed forces allowed ner, a suspension bridge, a mock-up alongside the lorry trying to catch pa- Design: Alice Rowlands Cody to develop an aeroplane. On 16 October, of ‘The Queen’s Tower’ and a football per aeroplanes thrown from on board 1908 made the first powered, controlled flight goal. So, we thought it was about time the float and even attempting to aqua- For more information see in the UK of a heavier than air machine. Aero chipped in to remind everyone plane a large puddle which inevitably www.sfcody.org.uk ended in a wet foot and much laughter. www.codyflyerproject.com Owen demonstrates their modern replica Died: 7th August 1913 Suzie and Betty also braved the crowds OTO: S uzie quire ’ s M um P h OTO: 26 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 27

Is your club cooler than the cat that Clubs & Societies got the cream? Write to us. Clubs & Socs Editor - Alice Rowlands [email protected] Coffee Break [email protected] Blessed by sunshine in the Lake District The Union Stuff IC Students Like!? :) who don’t drink obviously. Back to isn’t all bad 7. Whisky: the topic in hand (no pun intended), whisky is a fine drink with plenty of Ravi Pall Now i’m not sure if everyone agrees flavour, kick and a reasonable level of Coffee Break Editor with us here. But damn do we love alcohol. Some people are fans of Jack whisky, and as students of Imperial Daniels, not us. We’re fans of other, College we can be a bit presumptuous non - American, brands such as chi- and assume that all student at IC stu- vas regal, Jamesons or the Famous ou may notice this week Kensington, so why go anywhere else. dents also love whisky. Except those Grouse. that things are looking dif- It also makes me happy to see more ferent. That’s right the edi- and more people turning up to the tors columns have become Union to drink, socialise and even eat less column like and more the “excellent” cuisine offered during like an editorial. We here at felix like to the week days. Of particular note, the Ythink we’re constantly striving for per- Union entertainments have been awe- fection. Always thinking about how we some as of late. This has been the best can make the paper better. I hope you freshers’ week, and even first time in Drink with me, I’m Snaky B agree with me when I say it’s the little IC history. I find it a shame though that things we change every now and then there was such a conflict between the and this week I’m dressed as Mr T. If it got wheels I can fix it. make the paper that bit better. faculty unions and the central union Things in the FUCWIT league are over the masquerade ball, which was really flying. Since we started to bribe highlighted in last week issue of felix. hat up fools!. I just crazy! Just a minute, now let me lay you with a free iPod, entries are still fly- It seems that a great misunderstanding said quit you jib- down the rules of this establishment. I ing in left right and centre. This weeks between the two cause such an upset. ber jabber. I’m deal with every kid with an even hand. Sanky B is an obvious choice, which Sure things were not timetabled in the Snaky B dressed Ain’t nobody givin’ me no back talk. we happened to forget about until one greatest way, but I assure there is no as one bad mother Now go play. I’m just tryin’ to pull dedicated reader emailed us (pointing war between the Union and the other funky. That’s right Mr T! I believe in you of the streets little brother. Maybe out how idiotic we’ve been). Please do parties. I personally didn’t think that Wthe Golden Rule - The Man with the you can do us some good, and maybe give us suggestions. It’ll help out a lot. last weeks article came out a little un- Gold.. rules! That’s right jive turkey. we can do you some good. Don’t be Now to use this section for what it just toward the efforts both sides made Get up and eat that snickers fool, or thinkin’ “how long we gonna listen to is meant to be for. A rant. Now I love for their events. I hope that now things I’m going to hit you so hard I’ll knock this jive. When can we get something the Union. I pretty much live there. have “blown over” the faculty unions you into next week. That’s right people to eat?” There has been many a time where a can work with the central union to bet- I’m going to teach you suckas a lesson. day of intense lectures has resulted in ter co-ordinate events. This can surely You better not be talkin’ to no invisible I have one last thing to say, I ain’t get- what can only be desribed as carnage result in bigger better and higher at- animals! Ain’t nobody gonna say, shut tin in no plane. Quit druggin’ my milk in the Union. Cheapest drinks in South tended events. up fool ain’t got no secret weapon. He’s Murdock! Photoshop Competition - 7 Nathaniel Bottrell with the machine only accepting £1 Fellwanderer coins, which genius decided that. With all pockets emptied everyone set off up Intervarsity Debating Competition at IC It all began on one still Friday evening towards a snow, ice and cloud covered with twelve brave Fellwanderers lining summit. A change to the route was Kadhim Shubber up outside the union ready to venture made as Striding Edge wasn’t passable to the Lake District. due to ice. Nathaniel managed to miss For those of you who were somehow Unrest was in the air, will the weather the summit of Helvellyn arriving at the unaware, Saturday 1st November saw be a repeat of last weekend causing trig point one meter below. On the way the IC Debating Society play host to many people to be rescued as a months down Nathaniel slipped, landed in a the IC Intervarsity Debating Competi- rain fell in a few hours, or will it just puddle and took out Evelyne making tion (IV), sponsored by Glencore and rain like the last two Lakes trips. Ga- her new trousers muddy, she wasn’t the IC Finance Society. Universities reth and Jon got the minibus away with pleased. from across the buzzing debating scene all ready for their seven hour drive. Most awoke on Sunday with a slight were invited to participate. Teams from President Nathaniel wasn’t so cleaver hang-over to beautiful clear skies and as far afield as the European Business getting stuck in traffic on the M3 as he a 15km walk ahead of them. Nathan- School near Frankfurt along with more was bringing the car to collect another iel decided to beast everyone around familiar faces from institutions such four unsuspecting victims on this Hal- the Coniston Fells which includes The as Oxford and Cambridge all com- loween night. Old Man, Swirl and Wetherlam with peted for the highly coveted title of the Even with the car leaving an hour a small amount of scrambling in be- “Master-debater”! and a half later than the minibus it still tween. The views from the top were Thought provoking, amusing and Does anyone else think I look like Mussolini arrived in High Wray Village Hall, our brilliant stretching from Lake Winder- at times bizarre points of view were 5* accommodation for the weekend, mere to Scafell Pike making the hours heard along with numerous opinions before the minibus. Nathaniel wasn’t of pain in the minibus worthwhile. Jon that were more often than not stated ance “as Gandhi would have wanted”. an active one for the Debating Society, sure where he had overtaken the mini- celebrated at the top of the Old Man as facts! A variety of subjects were ex- Fred Cowell and James Prior of Mid- presenting members with the oppor- bus, never mind he must have been with a cup of Pims, something that’s plored in depth, including the legiti- dle Temple also took home the title of tunity to receive coaching from world- half asleep at the wheel. In the wait for becoming quite a tradition. macy of public funding in science and best team on the tab; James Prior also class debaters and participate in many the minibus the hall heating, yes it had Leaving later than planned and get- the evaluation and reassessment of the clinched ‘the best speaker’ position. competitions at different universities This weeks winner. Team Rubbish Next weeks RAW image for you to go wild. See www.felixonline.co.uk heating, was cranked up to the max ting stuck in endless M6 roadwork role that our democratic system should If you have read this far down the ar- nationwide. We also have a team go- along with the stereo and it’s slightly traffic our weekend of fantastic weath- play. ticle and any of it sounded provocative ing to Cork in the Republic of Ireland off-putting record collection. er finished with a gourmet meal from The final rounds saw Sam Block and of interest (or perhaps you just feel this New Year to partake in the World Saturday’s weather was calm, sunny either KFC or Burger King at Warwick and Aliyah Akram of Cambridge (A) compelled to have your point of view Universities Debating Championships, Congratulations to this week’s win- the laser eyes, but the physicists here This week’s image is of ACC Vice The high res picture can be found on- and just plain gorgeous for the Lakes Services. All in all a great trip, check triumph over Middle Temple, King’s heard on any number of controversial so all in all it looks set to be an excit- ner, Team Rubbish. This week you’ve tell me light doesn’t bend. Oh well. Chairman Chaz Murdoch. While get- line. Click on Coffee Break in the sec- in November. It was decided to try and the photo’s at www.fellwanderers.com. College and LSE on the motion that topics) then do come along to one of ing year. outdone yourselves. Ypu were almost Also whadufuh is David Cameron do- ting drunk on Wednesday night, IC tions tab. Email your entry to coffee. bag Helvellyn and Striding Edge mak- If you fancy a trip to the countryside ‘This house would be pacifist’, by argu- our meetings at 6.00pm every Wednes- Thank you, once again, to our gener- beat by “Top of the tables” entry, but ing there eh? hockey club decided to tape him to [email protected] with your team ing the most of the weather. Helvellyn any time soon, come and join us; 12:30 ing that the United Kingdom should day in the Sir Alexander Fleming build- ous sponsors, Glencore and the IC Fi- lets face it the ligh saber through the Keep up the good work, and please en- this tree of woe. I particularly find the name and .PSD file and you’ll be en- seemed like a great idea until we ar- in Beit Quad on a Tuesday for more disband HM Armed Forces and adopt ing – room 119, or email debate@im- nance Society - without their support face was mega awesome. Again with ter again next week. We like. expression on his face hilarious. tered into the FUCWIT league. rived at the car park, £12 for a minibus information. a new defence policy of passive resist- perial.ac.uk. This year promises to be the IV would not have taken place. 28 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 29 Fun & Games [email protected] [email protected] Fun & Games

A Quickie (Crossword) 1,415 FUCWIT Slitherlink 1,415 1,414 solution long, and most importantly, looping grid is by drawing crosses around any 1 1 2 2 3 3 4 4 5 5 6 line. It should have no start or finish; zeros. Drawing crosses is purely done ight the, you guys wanted a 2 3 1 3 3 2 2 just like an elastic band. to so that you know where there can’t quick crossword, so you’ve 3 3 Each number indicates how many possibly be a line. So, take the pattern 6 7 League Table got one. Thanks to En- 3 2 2 0 2 lines should be drawn around it, for below as an example. Begin by drawing och for the grid and the 2 3 3 2 1 1 3 example: crosses, then by filling in some lines: 10 11 questions. Top of the Table 24 Points Don’t worry though everyone, even 2 2 1 2 though the crossword is done by the MÖchten sie mein Manschaft? 18 Points 0 1 3 2 3 1 3 2 2 3 3 8 R x same person who does the cryptic Hringur Gretarsson 13 Points 1 2 2 1 1 crosswords, it won’t be as difficult. 2 3 2 x 0 x 3 12 Enoch dumbed it really down so that 2 1 2 3 Cells which don’t contain a number x every can do it, but after being told it Team Turner Gobels 12 Points 3 1 3 2 1 1 can be surrounded by any number of 2 2 3 9 15 10 11 was too easy, he kicked it up a notch. Giramondo 12 Points lines. As every puzzle in the paper, cor- 0 2 2 3 2 2 Remember, the line must form a rect answers bring points which will go Team Rubbish 10 Points loop, so the line cannot branch. The 17 towards the FUCWIT League. So get The winner of Slitherlink 1,413 was following situations are not allowed: Now the lines can only continue in the your answes in to sudoku.felix@impe- Yu-Xi Chau 10 Points 2 3 2 2 Top of the Table. Congratulations on following directions: 12 13 14 rial.ac.uk. winning two puzzles. Ninja’s can’t even Good luck! Martin ‘08 8 Points catch you right now. Please keep enter- 2 2 1 2 2 ing. We’ll give a prize out in the sum- 2 2 18 20 Team Rapid Bunnyz 5 Points mer. It’ll be good. Almost too good. 2 2 3 3 15 16 Right then, the Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tourna- How to play: x ment League is officially back, and it’s about time we explain what x x the hell is going on. Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is similar Squares are not allowed either. There 0 3 22 22 3 3 3 to Minesweeper mixed with a dash of are never cells containing the number x Basically, you get points for doing all the various puzzles and chal- Sudoku. 4 in Slitherlink. lenges, and at the end of the year, the winning team will win an iPod nano! Pretty cool right? The scoring is as follows: 3 1 3 The object of the game is to draw So, where do you start? The most Across Down 2 lines between the dots to create one common place to start on a Slitherlink 5 points for the first correct answers for Slitherlink, Wordoku, Pho- 6 Loyal or faithful (4) 1 Mexican term for an American (6) toshop Competition and the eventual Quick Crossword. 4 points for 7 Illegally take something (5) 2 Member of the stoat family (6) second, 3 points for third, 2 points for fourth and 1 point for fifth 8 Obvious: of conclusions (11) 3 Excavator powered by water 9 Prevent a plan; type of sword (4) vapour (5,6) Double points will be awarded for correct cryptic crossword an- swers, because it’s über hard. 10 A fine deposit in waterways (4) 4 Prima donna; Tina Turner (4) This week’s texts: 12 The Lord’s Prayer (7,4) 5 Completely immoral (4) Simple! Now then FUCWITs, send in your answers to felix@impe- Wordoku 1,415 15 Becoming more receptive or aware 10 Break away (6) rial.ac.uk or [email protected]. Go! “Guys, it’s a fail of epic proportions (6) 11 Mourn (6) this week.” - Jov 16 Get the ball through the hoop (4) 13 Small amount; scintilla (4) S I 14 Miserable (4) “‘Did you see chaz taped to a tree K C H S D last night? Was awesome.” C K T “Whatdafuh” C R “A mouse doing another mouse in a Ho-dizzle-ro-tizzle-scopes. Brace yourselves. Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; mouse trap. HOT!!!” 1,414 Solution we’ve just replaced numbers with Informal, factual, funny.... Just three things that these Horoscopes won’t be. I R O D H S letters. Once you’ve completed “If your awake give me a call, L S X B E U R T A the puzzle, there is a hidden word 07980 148 785 kinda need to get my rugby stuff. O I U E T X R A B L S to find. Email answers to sudoku. My phone ain’t recieveing texts Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio R B A L T S E X U [email protected] right now, currently on its period.” O K R S T R U X E A B L TEXT US! OR You probably want This week you sit in Leo, you poor Word Up my A X B S L T U R E Oh Hai! These promises of iPods WE WON’T “I was being a spaz, still working. to skip this one- your fluid dynam- sods. You now Scorpio bitches!! S R H I K E U L A B R X S T have ensured that there’s stiff How r you?” it’s an inside joke. ics lecture trying to share something in This week it’s my T A E R S X L U B competition, as apposed to no FEED THE CAT! Shipman... what’s figure out what type common with those birthday, that means X L S E U B T A R competition which we previously “Smash up soon. Complete with occuring? Really of bellend you have useless arseholes the people you don’t had. Anyhoo the winner was coat. Or I’ll have your knees” C T B R U T A L S E X would you make to be to actually en- Blair family. Or if we know will ring you ‘Top of the Table’ who found sweet love to you ideal girl if you were more joy this. You look at your HB pencil and curse use there stage name, “The Massive Mouth”. up, people you don’t like will buy you a pint BRUTALSEX. Trust me, it’s fun. likley to get AIDs than not... 70%, that’s quite the nanny state who forced the powers that be It’s like a fucking circus in that family- one and people you do know and like will buy a high. If anyone’s as ruthless as this man please to remove Lead from pencils. A few licks and likes to cut out the middle man and vomit horrific dirty pint. Why? I don’t really want send you story to [email protected] but BOOM! lead poising and escape from this hell directly into the waterways and there is an either of these things- I want to sit in the remember it could get messy.... hole into the realtive joys of A&E. ageing rockstar in the mix too? Whadafuh?!? corner, shake my fist at the young generation and chunder into a Biffa bin on the way home. Tamara asks: did you know stoic tv is available on youtube?

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius Dear Tamara stress. Apparently, drinking and junk Dear Tamara, few metres away to the union . If they I think I’m going through my mid-life food also affect your mental condition I signed up to rowing in my Freshers’ are idiots then why are you freinds with Did you know that I think I am Guys, the gym is Today you spend crisis! My mood is up and down faster but I’m not sure that kind of gruesome week and now I can’t be bothered to get them in the first place? Pity? You could a pint is not actually beginning to love the place to go if £200 on cock crush- than an excited electron and I have no sacrifice is entirely justified. out of bed and drag myself all the way of course come up with a cunning plan 1 unit? I went to tube drivers. The you want to check ing skinny jeans idea why! It’s beginning to affect all as- to the boat house. I’ll just end up sit- involving a contagious airborne illness the Health Centre other day on the out some ass. You thinking you’ll look pects of my life and I don’t know how Dear Tamara, ting in a cold wet boat with other half so they will avoid your room but I reck- the other day with District at Earls can gently pedal less of a twat. Un- to deal with it! Please help me before I I can’t stay awake in lectures! I’ve tried dressed boys and that doesn’t really ap- on the honest approach is best. a stomach pain and Court I heard this, away on the cycle fortunatly for you, completely lose the plot! everything – biting the back of my hand, peal to me before the sun is even up. hope that the nurse was hot (trust me shes “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the machine whilst there is a whole host of ass you’re wrong. In a fit of rage you douse them Rollercoaster Baby stabbing it with a sharp pencil. Nothing Lazy Boatman Dear Tamara, banging) and she ask me “Do you consume delay to your service. I know you’re all dying right in front of you. They even line them up, in petrol (BP Ultimate 102) and set fire to works. As soon as the lights dim for the Should I spend my money on going to more than 21 units a week?” After pondering to get home, unless, of course, you happen to how thoughtful is that of Ethos? Those bros them... But you emo image will be lost without Dear Rollercoaster Baby, powerpoint slides my eyes my eyes fall Dear Lazy Boatman Fabric or on food? Eating is important for a bit I replyed “Yer I think I do 21 pints a be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll know how to handle their hoes. However once them. Quick as a flash you whip out your cock Calling it a mid-life crisis is a tad shut. Is there anything I can do? What can I say? Pull your finger out. but partying is even more so. That’s week.” To which she said, “No, a pint is not 1 want to cross over to the Westbound and go in they turn round... all that sweat, nah so good. and piss on them. You burn your cock and melodramatic, don’t you think? Per- Eyes wide shut what I’m here for after all. unit. You are going to die.” Oh shit! the opposite direction.” Anyway you probably look shite too. have to go to Hospital. It’ll be a bad week. haps when you start losing your rag at Dear Tamara, What do you think? someone who bumps you in the tube Dear Eyes wide shut, At home I used to live far away from Starving Party-Boy station accidentally you should pause Less hanky panky at night would be school and my home life and school life Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn a second and think about whether this good, then you wouldn’t be so tired. were very separate. At uni, I’m in Beit Dear Starving Party-Boy is a fight you are likely to win. There’s You could develop a crush on someone and all my friends come to my room Food will only make you fat and no- Unfortuantly for you Imperial. We are Anyone been to I need to apologise no point getting into conflict unless in the lecture theatre and then you’d after lectures and hang out all night body likes a porker – whatever chance Aries this week does supposed to be union recently? No all the Capricorn you’re sure you’ll come out as the win- be too preoccupied with pulling sexy there. I love my newfound friends but you once had of pulling will be lost. not bode well. Years intellegent aren’t didn’t think so, why? Crew out there. ner. If you’re generally feeling the in- facial expressions to think about sleep. I need some time to be alone and pluck On the other hand – going out is your of stress will finally we? Then why the Well I only have 11 Your Horoscope is evitable midterm stress and wondering On the other hand, what difference my eyebrows and things! Aargh! best bet on finding a girl willing to ac- push you over the fuck do catering lines here so I’ll just the last one in the how on Earth we ended up mid No- does it make if you nap anyway? No Crowded company you to your room so you can edge. Yes you will provide us with bring up the major mixer and by now vember when Freshers’ week was only one listens to the words in a lecture so show her your collection of C++ codes. take performance enhancing drugs... and forks to eat our jacket potatoes with that one. Did you know that when the fosters barrel I’m completly out of ideas and well up for a last week then perhaps you should take you may as well nap while the lecturer Dear Crowded, You will get laid and you will be happy. by performance enhancing drugs I do mean mealt whilst you eat your lunch? It just so runs low and the ever helpful barstaff say that pint. Or 10. But really if you want to do your some time to pamper yourself a bit. I fills a board and then copy it down. Why not just politely tell your friends Easiest problem I’ve ever had! Viagra. But don’t use the stuff from the men’s inconvinent that your fork ends up as bent as they are off to change it, they don’t. What own please feel free to write in to felix at the don’t necessarily mean the facial and Next board – next nap. It’ll help avoid to get the fuck out of your room be- shithouse in the Union, they don’t work, infact Elton John, have you ever tried to spike your actually happens is that they top it up with a usual address- it’ll save me about 30 minutes- manicure type of pampering but why those pesky eye bags. You can combine cause you need some space? Unless Got a problem, contact Tamara at I’ve have better effects with Smarties. ‘tatoe when all 4 prongs point different ways? bit of homebrew, i.e. piss. (Alledgely. Ed) yes that is how much effort this took. Pint? not get your arse off the sofa and get to the two and fall asleep on your crush’s they’re complete idiots, they’ll under- [email protected] How I miss naked centrefold! Ethos – exercise it the best way to de- shoulder for maximum effect. stand and move their procrastinating a 30 felix Friday 14 November 2008 Friday 14 November 2008 felix 31 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport

Are there too Imperial 7ths drill a whole Tempers fly Cycling club brown nose many teams? Jack Cornish & into the Miners’ net as controversy felix and tackle the Peaks Mustapher Botchway IC boys and they started to get the to Muwahid who cooly slotted home. Mr. B Nose A broken chain in the rain at the top and hit up the singletrack descent back Football Sports Editors ball down, Ryan Wilson gave their left Then RSM came back into the game didn’t dampen spirits, aided by the dis- down. After half an hour of winch- back a torrid afternoon, twisting this and could have twice equalised but ‘Can you get that van to go faster? covery of that weeks Felix amongst the ing up the murderous 1 in 5 gradient Imperial Men’s 7th 4 overshadows way and that and he set up the equal- for two important saves from Hughes James wants to go faster’ Not really the spare tubes in my bag. Chain repaired, we hit the sodden dirt and contoured o RSM have one week of glo- it happens in my time at Imperial, but Royal School of Mines 1st 1 iser. Having found space, Wilson slid and good defending from Chris Ten- sort of thing you want to hear at 9;30 and Imperial issues digested we set off up to the top of Rushup Edge. More ry and then the lowest ranked why do IC compete against the Med- in Mike Turrell, who, surprised by the nant and Tainter kept them at bay. IC on a Friday night, somewhere on the on a naturally bermed, rock-laden de- sketchy flagstones lead to the where IC football team demolishes ics. Don’t quote me on this, but they lack of a very willing offside flag, calm- then ended the game as a contest as rivals’ clash M1. The plan didn’t seem quite as fool scent back down to Snake Pass. the singletrack dropped off the ridge. them. Are the faculty sports are not half bad at most sports and if Edward Hughes ly rounded the Goalkeeper and stroked Henry “superman” Balston scored a proof now. The plan involved a hasty The revelation that we would have to Once again I dropped in first, and im- teams really still neccessary? they combined with the IC teams we the ball calmly into the empty net. bullet diving header from another Wil- encouraging 6-2 lead at the halfway exit from London in order to get to the carry/push our bikes back up the Beast mediately scored the weekend’s most Table Tennis Why is it that we have multiple teams would not only have huge clubs but Two football teams from Imperial Col- IC pressed on and Luca Laraia and son cross, but later contrived to miss stage. Edale campsite before its 11 o’clock led to a fairly grumpy half hour, al- hilarious crash. Despite this inauspi- in football, hockey, rugby and more. also a chance to make the social and lege squared up against each other last Turrell were frequently put through an open goal. Muwahid tried to score Eddie Liu continued his winning closing time. Having attended lectures though things where quickly righted on cious start, the trail was a beauty, al- S Brunel Men’s 1st 8 We can still have our yearly inter-fac- standard immense. Saturday. The IC 7’s were up against only to be denied by the RSM captain with an audacious rainbow flick before ways, going on to take all four of his in somewhat inappropriate footwear the final drop. With a gradient that just ternating between gnarly rock gardens ulty competitions where we can stand This may solve the problem I ad- literally the best eleven players in the (i.e. the one who was literate) running Tennant scored the best goal ever. Imperial Men’s 1st 6 singles matches and providing a strong we clipped in and set off for the van urged you to go faster, and ample op- and rutted greasy singletrack. Stopping up for the traditions of the engineer/ dressed last week - we cannot sustain Royal School of Mines but Cletus, the line. The midfield duo of Rory “De- Picking the ball up at the half way foundation for what seemed like it was rental place in Notting Hill. After a portunity for air time there were smiles half way down I perfected my 180 skid/ scientist/miner. any teams in the current format at the Wayne and the rest of the inbred hick lap” Fleming and Alvin “the chipmunk” line Tennant hit it first time over the going to be an IC win. quick cruise across Hyde Park, and a all round at the bottom. We changed crash routine. On my last count there were 13 football highest level. There is huge amounts of Geologists were no match for the might Chan started to dominate the centre gigantic goalkeeper to score a ridicu- Darius Atashroo The match took a twist when regroup in the pub we loaded up the out of riding gear and decamped to The trail was so good we decided teams, 12 rugby teams and 13 hockey funding, first class facilities, top notch and intelligence of the IC boys. of the park and Mo Muwahid on the lous goal and was mobbed by his team Brunel’s Number 4 rallied to beat both van and got ready to go. All we needed the pub. After 40 km and over 1000 that despite swollen hands, painful teams! They would all consider them- coaching and a university that has its RSM even called on their primitive left wing was showboating with mixed mates accordingly. IC saw out the rest On paper, this fixture was going to Heng-Kai Lee and Yan (our new-found was Nathan to arrive and we would be meters of ascent and descent, drinks knees and the odd bit of dented pride it self under the banner of Imperial Col- highest student population of all time. knowledge of nature, using wind, fire results. of the game although substitute Xavier be the toughest of our season so far. ‘consistency man’) with some ferocious off. Things were looking rosy. Then a and much Yorkshire pudding-based was worth hitting up once more before lege and so why not compete together? A very simple, but maybe contraver- (the sun), and rain in a vain attempt Half time seemed to have come at Scott probably destroyed their left back Both teams were sitting joint top of the attacking table tennis. Unfortunately phone call was made containing the scoff felt deserved. Usefully some doc- heading back to the big smoke. An hour Why are faculty unions attemting to sial , mix up of the format of IC teams to get the upper hand. Initially it paid a bad time for IC as they were clearly with his superior intellect. league, having played three and won I went down to Brunel’s Number 1 in words ‘derailleur’ and ‘Upside down’. tors at the bar also diagnosed Dave T’s or so later, caked in Derbyshire dirt, we start up new sports clubs for an annual could proove to be the answer, Let me off as the IC boys, captained by James in the ascendancy but they made it Full time, 4-1. Oh and Mit Patel three. Superb performances recently a very tight match, losing 12-10 in the To cut a long story short, the lights of massively swollen hand from an ear- rolled into Edale for the final time. For piss up and match against the guys in know your views...! Brown, struggled to get the ball down 2-1 straight after the restart. Fleming played and did some throw-ins or against LSE (14-3) and Reading (15-2) final game. Edale appeared through the van wind- lier crash. Wouldn’t get that in London a weekend riding I reckon it had it all; the building opposite? The union fund- In other news we have the cycling and play the brand of football for which beat about 20 men and then squared something. meant that we were going into this With the score standing at 8-6 to IC screen with 15 minutes to spare. would you, eh? Rocky gnar, sweet singletrack, shitty ing is stretched enough as it is. club who managed to to put a smile they are famed and the RSM used their match on a high. with three matches left we were in- And so Saturday dawned well, wet Sunday dawned grim to say the least. weather and a few good stories for the on our face with their publicity stunt brute strength to force an opener. The The day started with some anxi- formed that play could not continue and cold to be honest, but we had come After much deliberation over a some- pub, I just hope it isn’t the end of your with a copy of felix. Nice. There will be game started poorly and the ball was ety due to confusion over our line-up. as our hosts had only booked the hall a long way, and I was determined to what calorific breakfast we decided to mountain bike career, Nathan. We sure ‘13 football a prize of the best felix photo...it may stuck in midfield but with the wind be- Eventually with the team assembled, until 5.00pm. Chaos ensued. show the guys what ‘proper’ northern head up the road to the top of the valley did throw you in at the deep end. be a pint or two! hind them and the sun in the eyes of we set off only to find that a long jour- Our opponents seemed to suggest trails where about. After a quick spin teams, 12 rugby Coming up next week we have the the IC boys, RSM pressed on winning a ney awaited us. that the remaining three matches along the road, we hit the first climb next round of BUCS matches where succession of corners and throw ins. When we finally reached the stun- should be forfeited to them, as it was and ascended to the top of the Beast, teams and 13 most teams have a sturn test ahead From an inswinging corner about half ning Brunel sports facilities, we were our team who had arrived late (thus a twisting ribbon of wet rock dropping of them. Fencing and Volleyball have an hour in, they broke the deadlock. slightly disappointed to find that our conveniently enabling them to win the down to the Snake Pass road. Things hockey teams!’ tournements to compete in and the The dangerous corner was dipping into match was to be played in a less-than- tie 8-9). started off in a relaxed fashion, the new BUCS set up seems to be pro- the front post and was palmed back ideal dance studio with an incredibly We as a team felt very hard done faster kids boosting of the rocky out- People play their sport for different viding all us sportspeople with all the out to the corner taker by Goalkeeper slippery wooden floor. by, especially seeing as Brunel chose crops that covered the trail. However, reasons. Some for the social aspect, competition we need. Ed Hughes, who, hassled by Greg “wild Having informed us that they had in- only to use two tables for matches, in it was only in the trees where things got some for a highly competitive match Finally I am going to cry out once west” Tainter found an unmarked, tended to start at 1.30pm, (even though a space not too dissimilar to our own interesting. The fast kids had stopped. every week, and from my experience again for photos of high resolution web-footed team mate at the near post some of us did not finish lectures until in Ethos where we use at least three. ‘Is it down there?’ Being the ‘local’ I the bigger clubs provide both. The ar- and reports to accompany them. If you who powered the ball towards the bot- 12.30, before having to travel for over When I, as acting captain refused to dropped in first. You don’t get this kind guement that ‘I play RSM for the social have not got much to say then just give tom corner only for Brown, intent on an hour!) the Brunel team forced us sign the scorecard, I was confronted by of trail within a train ride of Imperial. side’ is bollocks. I play 1st XI hockey me some highlights to include in this getting himself up and running in fan- to start the matches, barely giving us a member of the opposition in a some- Just a rocky, slabbed, greasy, drop off for the social side...I just happen to be column...this is your newspaper and tasy football, lifted it high into the roof enough time to hit a ball, let alone what aggressive manner. laden mess. I loved it. good enough to be there! This could all so give us something to publish. Good of his own net, 1-0 RSM. warm up. Eventually both teams agreed to The rocks eased a little and despite a be taken one step further. God forbid luck! But this only seemed to gee up the RSM taking on Kings, I mean IC 7ths. Yes it is an archive photo! As a result of this we started slowly, let the score remain as it was at 8-6 gritty climb, we where soon bombing however we certainly kept up with our and leave the decision up to higher down steep singletrack, with the burg- title rivals. In fact after our first four powers. er van lunch stop in sight. The final matches we led 3-1, thanks to a fan- Our next fixture sees us take on bot- flagstone descent tested people’s faith in association with Sports Partnership tastic win by Eddie Liu over Brunel’s tom of the league Middlesex University in their tyres, and ensured everyone Number 1, eventually taking it 11-6 in in what should hopefully be a comfort- had earned their lunch. Carbed up, the Fixtures & Results the final game. able victory. Once again thanks and penultimate climb was despatched at The next 4 matches also went to us congratulations go to the team for a an epic pace by Roger, evidently there Saturday 8th November Men’s 2nd 4-4 University of Hertfordshire 2nd Tennis Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Women’s 2s ULU vs UCL 3s ULU 3-1, meaning that we had taken a very very spirited performance. was something in his bacon sandwich. James is riding on a hut...bizare...sleep in it maybe? Women’s 1st 5-3 UCL 1st Men’s 1st 9-1 Imperial College 2nd Women’s 1st vs University of Sussex 1st Men’s 1st vs UCL 1st Football Women’s 1st 10-0 University of Reading 1st Women’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Men’s 3rd vs Canterbury Christ Church 1st Men’s 2s ULU 2-5 UCL 1s ULU Fencing Women’s 1st vs UCL 2nd Men’s 3s ULU 1-4 Goldsmiths 1s ULU Men’s 1st 153-53 University of Reading 1st Saturday 15th November Monday 17th November Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Reading 1st Men’s 5s ULU 4-3 UCL 5s ULU Men’s 2nd 103-135 Royal Holloway 1st Crossword No. 1,415 Answers to: [email protected] Men’s 6s ULU 0-0 King’s Medicals 4s ULU Fencing Basketball Lacrosse Men’s 7s ULU 4-1 RSM 1s ULU Football Tournament Men’s 2nd ULU vs IC Medicals 1s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st 1 2 3 4 5 5 6 6 5 7 6 8 Women’s 1st 1-3 Middlesex University 1st Women’s 1st vs University of Bristol 1st Across donation (8) hypocritical talk over what 7 is (8) Sunday 9th November Men’s 5s ULU 1-2 LSE 4s ULU Women’s 1st vs Oxford University 1st Netball Netball 7 9 28 Landmark way of greeting Jew or 22 Avoids the end of introductions to Men’s 6s ULU 5-0 Imperial Medicals 3s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Cambridge 1st Women’s 3s ULU vs Queen Mary 4s ULU Women’s 1st vs Kingston Uni 1st 1 Separates Lassie to carry out Arab (8) Bach’s fugues (6) Badminton Men’s 7s ULU 1-2 King’s College, Men’s 6s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Women’s 2s ULU vs St Barts 2nd ULU 10 reconstructive surgery (8) 24 Alcohol made improperly (4) Women’s 1st 2-6 LSE 1st Rugby 9 Actor reaches one of a set of peaks, Down 25 Pretending to have some artistic Mixed 1s ULU 6-3 Royal Holloway ULU Hockey Football Squash Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Portsmouth 3rd 10 11 12 now a fallen icon (2,6) merit at the end of a party (4) Men’s 1st 6-2 Imperial Medicals Men’s 1s Men’s 6s ULU vs SOAS 2s ULU Men’s 2s ULU vs IC 1s ULU Men’s 3rd vs Unis at Medway 1st 10 A people and their last word to 2 E-mail son about hard grains of Volleyball Men’s 2nd 10-1 University of Kent 3rd Men’s 5s ULU vs LSE 5s ULU Men’s 3s ULU vs IC Medicals 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs Cardiff Uni 1st 12 13 God (4) flour (8) At last! There are signs of intelligent Tournament Men’s 3rd 1-1 University of Surrey Men’s 2nd Men’s 2s ULU vs UCL 2s ULU 11 A very soft selection of creams can 3 8 phenomenon: cure all spine life out there. MÖchten sie mein Man- Men’s 1st 0-2 University of Kent 1st Men’s 4th 4-1 University of Portsmouth 5th Men’s 1s ULU vs St Barts 1 ULU Men’s 7s Wednesday 17th November Squash 13 14 15 make rendezvous... (12) injuries (5,7) schaft answered last week’s crossword Men’s 1st 2-0 University of Reading 1st Women’s 1st 2-1 Kingston University 1st ULU vs St Barts 3 ULU Men’s 2nd vs Royal Holloway 2nd 13 ... out of this world. Desirable – if 4 Place of worship has part-time correctly. Congratulations. Men’s 1st 0-2 University of Essex 1st Women’s 2nd 0-7 Imperial Medicals 2nd Badminton Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Men’s 1st 13 14 15 16 you can only get rid of the bachelor learner becoming expert in the A quick note about this week’s: the Women’s 1st 2-0 University of Kent 1st Sunday 16th November Men’s 1st vs Uni of Portsmouth 1st Men’s 3rd vs King’s College2nd and make your move (8) same way (6) bold, italicized numbers are not a Women’s 1st 2-0 UCL 1st Netball Women’s 1st vs London South Bank Uni 1st Women’s 1st vs King’s College 1st 16 17 18 19 15 Spot a tourist unearthing root in 5 Traditional dress tsarists take to mistake! Women’s 1st 27-35 King’s Medicals 1st Football Men’s 1st vs Uni of East London 1st the New World (6) heart (4) Enoch I O C B S A A M T L Y A S W T Monday 10th November Women’s 2nd 30-21 St George’s Medicals 3rd Women’s 1s ULU vs King’s College 1st ULU Table Tennis 20 21 20 16 Type of security important in 6 Witty phrases go over your head? Women’s 3rd 12-7 Uni of the Arts London 2nd Fencing Men’s 1st vs UCL 1st cricket (4) (8) I N S O M N I A C L U D I C D S N W G D A S E L N T V D L Netball Lacrosse Men’s 1st vs Uni of London 1st Women’s 1st vs London Met 1st 20 21 22 17 As the sea withdraws, soldier gets 7 First lawyer in the family used to Women’s 3s ULU 4-53 Imperial Medicals 2s Rugby Mixed 1s ULU vs Royal Holloway 2s ULU Women’s 1st vs Uni of Kent 1st Men’s 1st vs LSE 2nd protection (5) fire ceramics (4) W E A T H E R S S I R O B O T C T C I E R O E P R S M A W E ULU Men’s 1st 3-16 Swansea University 1st 25 26 18 Particularly important type of 8 Bad sort of exclamation. Not much Men’s 2nd 36-35 LSE 1st Rugby Football Tennis support structure (4) used, at any rate! (8) E N E W S C U N A W A R E S S N M I A E C R S C A T I R T Squash Men’s 3rd 10-29 University of Chichester 2nd Women’s 1s ULU vs King’s College Medics 1s Men’s 3rd vs King’s College London Medics 2nd Women’s 1st vs London Met Uni 2nd 23 24 25 20 Evil dictator sped to destruction (6) 12 No longer morning after charm Men’s 2s ULU 2-3 King’s College 1s ULU Men’s 4th 10-37 University of Hertfordshire 2nd ULU Men’s 4s ULU vs Queen Mary 3s ULU Men’s 2nd vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni 1st 21 Violent, jagged crevice has nothing pass can get you in (8,4) L U C E R N E S S H A P E D Men’s 3s ULU 3-2 LSE 2s ULU Men’s 6s ULU vs Queen Mary Men’s 4s ULU F T R M E A R M S P G E N D A 27 26 (8) 14 Reason exclamation of discovery is Squash Volleyball Men’s 1st vs UCL 1st Volleyball 23 A system to assign names to at the heart of tragicomedy (5) C R Y U N C L E I A V I D R I I H L B U T N N N I C T N S Men’s 1st 5-0 University of Sussex 1st Tournament Men’s 2nd vs Roehampton Uni 3rd Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent 1st unclear men having experienced 16 Small talk: unpleasant in latter part Wednesday 12th November 27 D E T A I L E O R I F I C E S Men’s 2nd 5-0 King’s College 2nd Men’s 1st vs UCL Men’s 1st Men’s 7s ULU vs IC Medicals 4s ULU severe trauma (12) of life (8) T N N T S L R R N A I C I I N Badminton Men’s 3rd 3-0 City University London 1st Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st 26 Holiday season: failing exams. No 17 Embassy official head of state 28 E T H E R S A C R I L E G E Men’s 1st 4-4 Brunel University 1st Women’s 1st 2-2 UCL 1st Men’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Hockey point (4) seizes on (8) 27 Incline to include gambling tool in 19 Agreement with empty, R S R D C H A H I D M E T H C Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only

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Fencing on form again! left him exhausted and in severe res- rial in it right until the end with 7 – 5 Fencing piratory distress. The joy was short and 5 – 4 wins before it was Tim’s turn lived however as Nathan B. proceeded to face Bennett’s unrestrained wrath, Imperial Men’s 2nd 103 to lose the following match 1 – 5. Alex crumpling to a 0 – 6 defeat to leave the Royal Holloway 1st 135 was clearly inspired by Badger’s hero- final epee scores at 39 – 45 and Imperi- ics and managed a 10 – 5 win, but with al’s chance of victory vanishingly slim. Nathan and Badger following this up Charlie Hennings opened the sabre Maurice Berk with 1 – 5 and 0 – 5 losses respectively, in much the same fashion, losing 3 – 5 it was not nearly enough and Imperial to a Bennett who seemed unperturbed Imperial went in to this game 2nd place were a massive 17 points behind at the fencing an unfamiliar weapon, and in the league behind their opponents end of foil, scores standing at 28 – 45. Nathan B. ensured Imperial stayed on Royal Holloway but with a game in Epee was up next and the epeeists set the inexorable path to defeat by then hand. With both teams unbeaten thus themselves the lofty target of improv- suffering a 1 – 5 loss. Team captain far this season, this match was highly ing upon the foilists’ performance, even Maurice Berk gave Imperial one last anticipated as setting the tone for the if victory seemed impossible. Tim Har- glimmer of hope with a resounding 9 outcome of the entire competition and, ford-Cross set hearts a-fluttering with – 5 win in his first appearance of the only three foil matches in to the game, a fine 5 – 3 win in the opening match game before Nathan B.’s 3 – 5 defeat it was clear the tone would not be set in before Sjoerd “Eye of the Tiger” Mie- finally put the result beyond doubt. Imperial’s favour. dema reminded Imperial their cause Charlie and Maurice compounded Vice-captain Nathan “Badger” Harm- was hopeless with a 1 – 7 defeat against Imperial’s misery with 4 – 5 and 1 – 5 ston, Alex “Leukemia” Bishop and the infamous Tom Bennett. Chris and losses respectively, and neither Nathan Nathan “Bicycle” Blundell all found Sjoerd continued to drop points with 4 B.’s following 5 – 5 draw nor Maurice’s 6 themselves on the wrong end of 0 – – 5 and 3 – 5 losses before Tim actually – 5 win proved any consolation. Char- 5, 2 – 5 and 3 – 5 defeats respective- put Imperial into the lead for epee with lie went down to a 3 – 5 defeat in the ly. Alex again faltered in his second a stunning 12 – 2 victory. Chris failed final match to a backdrop of Imperial’s match, suffering an even worse 1 – 5 to capitalize, going down to a 2 – 8 loss hope and dreams going up in flames – loss before Badger clawed some pride and Bennett again proving impossible final scores for the game standing at back for Imperial in an 11 – 5 win that to handle. Sjoerd and Chris kept Impe- 103 – 135. System down, generic photos are great. Slash slash you are dead!