REBELLION! (Why You Shouldn’T Worry)

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INSIDE: Interview with Black-ish’s Yara Shahidi REBELLION! (Why You Shouldn’t Worry)

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DEPARTMENTS: 30 Rebellion Why you shouldn’t worry 40 Crossroads Porn gives the wrong idea 35 Amy Speidel shares tips about sex for handling the heat of the (rebellious) moment. 45 Ask the Doctor An orthodontist weighs in on 38 Teen Speak: braces Hey parents, chill 49 College Corner Ideas for a well-spent summer p. 51 Tween Talk 30 Should I call the mean girl’s mom? UP FRONT: 54 Hot Topics 7 Bulletin Board 14 Move Out Skills Where is Desperate Readers share their prom Cooking Housewives' James Denton? stories 16 Tech Talk 57 Small Stuﬀ 9 Stats 4 simple rules for Turn oﬀ the lights! Do you really want to know? social media Snapshot In the Spotlight 59 18 Le£ ers from dad 10 Product Picks Yara Shahidi from the Kid-tested and new hit show Black-ish parent-approved 60 All About Me 20 Book Review I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you not. 12 In a Minute Brave New World Texting your teen’s friends by Aldous Huxley Farting Steak Oreganata recipe 22 Perspectives from Patsy’s Italian Family An honest look at Cookbook homeslessness

ON THE COVER

REBELLION! Is it time to shi the way we think about this stage of our teenager's lives? Page 30.

COVER PHOTO : BETH SEGAL p. 54

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 1 DO SOMETHING March-April 2015 Volume 7, Issue 4 GET MOVING Northeast Ohio’s #1 BE CONFIDENT PUBLISHER & heart care for your child. CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER RISK NEW THINGS Stephanie Silverman

PUBLISHER & EDITOR¢IN¢CHIEF STICK WITH IT Susan R. Borison T H E N B E READY FOR EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD EDITORIAL MANAGER Elise Ellick Ellen Rome, MD, Diana Simeon Teen Counselor in the MPH BIG SURPRISES Division of Adolescent Pediatrician, Head, COPY EDITOR Medicine, Department Section of Adolescent Beth Troy of Pediatrics at Medicine at Cleveland MetroHealth. Clinic. EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Ahuva Sunshine Lauren Rich Fine Chris Seper Executive Search Founder, MedCity SALES Consultant at Howard Media and Publisher, & O’Brien Associates. Alison Bunch, Lisa Golovan, MedCityNews.com. Shari Silk Marcia Hales Amy Speidel Business Manager with Certified Parent Coach CREATIVE One Wish, LLC. at Senders Parenting CREATIVE DIRECTOR Center. Meredith Pangrace Amanda Weiss Kelly, MD Sonni Kwon PHOTOGRAPHER University Hospitals, Senkfor, MBA Beth Segal Rainbow Babies & Independent Children’s Hospital Consultant. Facilitator Pediatrician, Director, with The WIT Group and WEB CONTENT Pediatric Sports MAC Consulting. Medicine. WEB CONTENT EDITOR Mindy Gallagher Judy Stenta, MSW Julian Peskin, MD Retired Project Director, SEO ADVISOR Cleveland Clinic staff SAY, a program of Mike Murray member, Department Bellefaire JCB. of Obstetrics and Gynecology. IT SPECIALIST Steven Wexberg, MD Hunter Chisolm Staff Pediatrician, Sylvia Rimm, PhD Cleveland Clinic Psychologist, Foundation. CIRCULATION Director of Family CIRCULATION SPECIALIST Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Lucene Wisniewski, Eca Taylor Case Western Reserve PhD, FAED School of Medicine. Clinical Director and co-founder of the An Ursuline education is an affordable investment THIS ISSUE Cleveland Center for Michael Rier, Eating Disorders. that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland CONTRIBUTING WRITERS CPA Rebecca Borison, Kevinee Gilmore, Retired Partner, provides over half of the student body with real-world Randye Hoder, Lexi Hubbel, Ernst & Young LLP. Lee Zapis Michelle Icard, Isabella Jaffery, President of Zapis experience. Last year, 100% of rst-year students Karen McHenry, Jane Parent, Capital Group. received aid and new alums were employed at a rate Ma Peterson, Laura Putre, Nathaniel A. Turner, Samantha Zabell three times higher than the national average. Focus-

ing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers More content online at yourteenmag.com facebook.com/YourTeen @YourTeenMag women to lead and change the world. Your Teen, Vol 7, Issue 4, March-April 2015 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118.

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walked into my kitchen and my 16-year-old daugh- After talking with Amy, I realized that I was the one who ter was on her way out. needed help. Most of what Amy suggested is in the Q&A on page 35. “Where are you going?” Honestly, I did resent that the onus was on me. I want- “I’m going to the movies.” ed permission to rant and lose control and punish. But I I listened to Amy; I tried her language. And it has really ”It’s 10 p.m. You can’t go.” worked. When I keep my cool and have an “Amy” response (which can really test my self-control), I feel much bet- “I’m going.” ter about the interaction and the outcome. I believe that Amy changed my relationship with my daughter. And I am “First of all, the question is, ‘Can I go?’ Second of all, there forever grateful. I hope that after you read her advice and is a city curfew.” Randye Hoder’s feature, you will have a similar experience.

“I don’t care. I’m going.”

With each response, my blood pressure rose and my heart pounded. She dug her heels in. I dug my heels in. And as she moved to leave the house, I wrestled her to the ground for the keys. I usually get a laugh with that line, and then I clarify that I actually wrestled her to the ground.

I was beyond furious; I did not know how to handle the overt deﬁance. My children had always had what seemed like a typical amount of disagreement and conﬂict, but I didn’t see much rebellion. Everyone kind of followed the rules. As they got older—most noticeably, when they hit high school—I saw the power shifting, but it had been subtle.

Until this happened. Congratulations to Beth Woodside, winner of the Charles Schwab $1,000 college scholarship presented at Hathaway Brown School at The College Event. I felt unhinged and needed help. I called Amy Speidel, a wise and practical parenting expert, to set up an appointment. After listening to my rant about my insolent, irrever- This issue is full of wisdom: advice about Internet porn, a ent kid, she said, “Let’s talk about how you will handle this dad who saw the beauty of letter writing, tips to solving the when it happens again.” universal tension around turning the lights off.

AGAIN. AGAIN. This was going to happen again? We are honored to introduce you to some wonderful people who have experienced homelessness. When you meet Amy told me that my daughter’s behavior was develop- them (on page 22), you will better understand that the mentally appropriate—she was supposed to individuate parent lottery goes a long way toward determining the and test the boundaries. Amy also said that it was great paths our lives will take. Maybe hearing their stories will that my daughter would be able to stand up for herself in a inspire you to make a difference. relationship that wasn’t working. Thanks to our sponsor, Hathaway Brown School, the 4th That last comment really made me feel awful. I hadn’t Annual College Event in Cleveland was a tremendous suc- considered any positive aspect to her audacity. Yet outside cess. We look forward to the upcoming BlackRock College of our relationship, I would never want to diminish my Event in Columbus, Ohio, on April 22. daughter’s assertiveness. We’d love your feedback—[email protected]. My job was to learn a new response that offered my daughter options and consequences, an alternative to the empty threat Enjoy the read. that she would never, ever drive again.

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Randye Hoder WHAT'S TRENDING Rebellion. Defi ance. Belligerence. Didn’t make it to this year’s College Event? Not Disobedience. Whatever we call it, h it’s not easy to deal with. This issue, to worry. Just click on over to yourteenmag.com/ Los Angeles-based writer Randye video-and-podcasts/ where you can watch any (or Hoder comes to the rescue with her all) of the evening’s speakers. You’ll learn about superb feature on rebellion (page admissions, financial aid, and lots more. 30). You can catch more of Hoder’s work in Time, The New York Times and elsewhere. h Many of our readers were touched by our series, “Cancer in the Family,” by the Miozzi family of Solon, Amy Speidel Ohio. Says Mary Ellen: “I cried until I literally Sometimes, just changing the way couldn’t breathe . . . It was wonderful, beautiful, and we talk to our teenagers can make real.” It’s now online at yourteenmag.com/ all the diff erence. This issue, we cancer-in-the-family. asked for Speidel’s help with how to handle rebellion—and she delivered. Turn to our Q&A with the Cleveland- h What’s for dinner? Visit yourteenmag.com/ based parenting expert on page 35. category/recipes for some quick, easy, and delicious ideas from authors like Jenny Rosenstrach (Dinner: James Denton The Playbook), Laurie David (The Family Cooks), and Have you been wondering where Michael Ruhlman (Egg). People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (2004) has been since KEEP UP with the latest from Your Teen on our starring in the hit show Desperate social media channels. We’re on Facebook (Your Housewives? He’s in Minneapolis, Teen), Twitter (@YourTeenMag) and Google+ raising two kids with his wife, Erin. (+YourTeenMag). You’ll fi nd our Q&A with the actor on page 54. SIGN UP for our free email newsletter and get valu- able advice and interesting parenting stories delivered Yara Shahidi directly to your inbox. YourTeenMag.com/sign-up Americans are having a love aff air with ABC’s new hit show Black-ish. So, we were delighted when we got the opportunity to talk with TWEETS the show’s 14-year-old star, Yara Follow us Shahidi. Turn to page 18 to get @YourTeenMag started.  Melissa Vines @meetthevines Michelle Icard @YourTeenMag I'm glad I found you! Anything Ugh. What’s worse than hearing helps when you're raising your fi rst teenager! that another adolescent has been mean to yours? This issue, Michelle Mrs. Murphy @2016Terriers Icard, the author of Middle School Parents, myself included, please read this Makeover, shares her own “mean at the start of each school year K-12. @ girl” story—and off ers helpful ideas YourTeenMag www.yourteenmag.com/2015/ for how to handle ours. college-admissions

6 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 BULLETIN BOARD

ONLINE AT YOURTEENMAG.COM Readers share their prom stories

TEEN ANSWERS My best prom was with my boy- best friend, so I effectively went friend. When you have an amazing to prom with two guys. It was date, it doesn't really ma£er how awkward; I danced equally with PARENT ANSWERS At my daughter’s prom, the wait I’ll never forget my drive to prom. the night unfolds. My night defi- both of them. But I spent most of staff chose the queen, king, and The rented limo had a decanter nitely didn't have a perfect start, my time in the bathroom trying court. They didn’t know who was with red wine. (Drinking age was but at the end of the night, looking to fix my dress that had ripped popular—they picked solely 18.) Just as we made a toast, the into someone's eyes who you as soon as I entered the club. based on who was enjoying love to spend time with trumps AJ, New York, NY driver hit a bump. I ended up with themself during the event. everything. red wine all over my beige taf- Carol, Fairfield, CT Maddie, New York, NY We were at an aer prom party, feta prom dress. My boyfriend and someone’s parents had immediately dumped the entire My junior year of high school, I I went with a gay friend as my called the cops. Everyone at ice bucket on me, which surpris- went to my first prom. That was date, so there was no drama at all the party fled, and then our car ingly washed out the wine. a night of many firsts: First kiss, Mindy, Jericho, NY and we could just focus on having broke down. My other friend first time in a limo, first prom, fun, whereas some of my other hid in the woods for a few first time staying out past cur- I have no "good " prom story as I friends didn't like their dates and hours. But everything turned few. It was magical and memo- found them very overrated. The didn't have as good of a night. out okay in the end. rable. My parents, on the other Alexandra, Ithaca, NY Lisa, Rochester, NY upside is I was able to help my hand, were a nervous wreck. daughter set realistic expecta- Alexis, Cincinnati, OH My most vivid memory of prom My best friend took a boy named tions and avoid disappointment. Karen, Sudbury, MA was when I saw what I thought Bart to prom. At the aer prom, I went to prom with my softball was another guy dancing with my he drank too much and proceed- coach's son, who I had a HUGE Since I never went to my prom, date, and I almost started a fight ed to vomit all over himself. Not crush on. The worst part though I would secretly watch the high with him. But then I realized that only was my friend devastated, was that his mom had to ask school prom on our cable news it was a totally different girl wear- but everyone continued to call him to go with me because I over and over. I didn’t even know ing the same dress as my date. him “Barf” instead of Bart for the didn't have a date. Christian, Columbus, OH the students. My husband caught rest of high school. Tu Tu, Rockville, MD Jamie, New York, NY me watching once, so I had to I don't remember much from the confess. My date borrowed his uncle's Suzanne, Scituate, MA actual prom, but I had so much I was driving around, and I knew Porsche for the prom—so cool, fun ge£ing ready with my friends: that my friend was going to ask so fun—until he backed into a Each year of high school I went taking a ton of photos, hanging me to prom. He asked me to meet rock (stone sober by the way). A to prom with a different senior out at aer-prom, and then hav- him at a park, and I saw "Prom" small dent, but you would have boy, so I wore the same dress. ing a last-hurrah sleepover before was wri£en out on a tennis court thought he totaled the car. He Why not? It was so pre£y and the madness of graduation began. in candles. I was so nervous that pouted the rest of night. I had Emma, Cleveland, OH I loved it. When I told my three we had disturbed someone else's more fun with my girlfriends teenage daughters the story, prom proposal that I didn't even than my date. My friend asked me to prom in they were horrified! realize it was for me. Karen, Natick, MA Nancy, Lincolnshire, IL October. By June I was dating his Jessica, Boston, MA

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of teenagers %say their parents Do You Really know all their Want to Know? passwords. 51 AVG.COM Our round-up of the latest factoids about raising teenagers and more. % 58 of high-school students in a recent survey say their social networking pages are “fair game” for college admissions o cers. % said that if 35 % of parents of children an admissions o cer ages 12 to 17 say hard viewed their social work is the most media, it would help 43 important value their chance of to teach teenagers, while 59% say being accepted. responsibility is the most important. KAPLAN PEW RESEARCH CENTER

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NewerTech LED Lamp This sleek, ﬂ exible neck LED desk lamp has a modern aluminum design, uses only 3.6 wa£ s of power, doesn’t emit any heat, and stays cool to the touch. It produces light similar to natural daylight, great for any dorm room, apartment or bedroom. “This lamp is small and compact, yet bright,” says Your Teen's Alison Bunch. “Love the sleek modern shape and the one tap to turn it on and oﬀ —easy and fast.” NewerTech.com

Yantouch Lifestyle Bluetooth Speaker A portable speaker that lets you hear, see, and feel the music. Create your own light show that syncs to the beat of Rice n Simple your music. Great for outdoor parties or camping. Got a microwave “I hooked it up to my phone, and the sound was and 40 impressive,” says Ryan Gallagher, son of Your seconds? You’re Teen’s Mindy Gallagher. “And it had a remote ready for a control, which was really cool.” Yantouch.com delicious, healthy meal. These microwaveable single servings of brown or white rice with subtle ﬂ avorings are “quick and easy, enough for one meal, and leave no pots or pans to wash,” says Meredith Pangrace, Your Teen’s creative director. “I love to make stir fry or stew for dinner and these are the perfect size. And with le overs, no more dry, crunchy, day-old rice.” Ricensimple.com

PongCano: The Game of Sacriﬁ ce PongCano is a fast-paced game with one simple goal: bounce the ball into the PongCano volcano. Players must control their nerves and laughter until the ball lands safely in the bo£ om of the volcano. For ages 8 and up. Your Teen’s Susan Borison is hooked! “This game is just a li£ le addictive. My son and I had a lot of fun playing this.” Roosterﬁ n.com

May Designs Notebooks and Calendars We love our gadgets, but sometimes old-fashioned paper does it best ... and pre£ iest. If this describes you, then check out May Designs’ collection of calendars and notebooks. “I love mine,” says Your Teen’s Mindy Gallagher. “I prefer writing in a notebook, over typing notes in my phone. And it’s so pre£ y. My phone is not pre£ y.” Maydesigns.com

10 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Wordologies Coﬀee Mugs Chunky and substantial, these hand-craed mugs feature the Wordologies message of your choosing. “This mug made the most perfect and heartfelt gi to a dear friend,” says Your Teen’s Alison Bunch. “The mug is Vegan Faux-leather beautifully made Quinn Handbag and displays Looking for a stylish, non-leather bag? an inspiring You’ll have room for everything you saying—a need in this boxy tote made from vegan perfect quote to faux leather, with lots of compartments, start everyday.” even a removeable change purse with Wordologies.com room for credit cards. Your Teen’s Mindy Gallagher says ,“This purse would be great for traveling and for throwing in an extra scarf, mi£ens, or a small jacket for my son's football games.” Whoosh! Screen Shine JordanaPaige.com Dirty screens and phones are gross! Whoosh! cleans the screens of all your gadgets and repels dust, smudges, and ﬁngerprints, leaving them clean and hygienic. Eca Taylor’s friend Trish Dietzen says, “Wow! This is by far the Goldie CableKeeps best screen cleaner I’ve ever tried. Tangled cords. Lost chargers. Sound like Not only did it work really well on my your house? Goldie CableKeeps comes to the rescue electronic screens, but it was with a fun, colorful, and practical way to keep your cords amazing on my glasses. I didn’t and chargers organized (and together). “They work. They’re have to clean them all day.” adorable. And there’s enough colors for everyone to Whooshscreenshine.com have their own. Perfect!,” says Your Teen’s Stephanie Silverman. Nicebydesign.com The Polaroid Cube “It’s tiny and completely adorable,” says Susan Borison about the Polaroid CUBE lifestyle action camera. It’s water resistant, shockproof, mountable, and built to handle just about anything. Features 6MP images, 124° wide angle lens, and built-in ba£ery that records up to 90 minutes. Polaroidcube.com

Tutem Masks Yes, yes we know that few teenagers would ever be caught wearing this in public. But for parents, these masks are a stylish way to avoid ge£ing sick while commuting, traveling (think airplanes), or when our teenagers are coughing all over us. Cover your mouth! Tutemmasks.com

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 11 IN A MINUTE Photo: Beth Segal Beth Photo: What’s so funny about farting? If you’re living with adolescents— wrangling between some siblings. the Cleveland Clinic. “Especially if and, let’s face it, especially boys— “I’ve seen my boys literally sit on each encouraged.” then you’ve likely noticed that farting other’s faces and fart,” recalls one That said, adds Rome, it’s not a is really funny. Like hilariously so. mom (and, yes, she was laughing). harbinger of any serious problems. But why? Let’s not let girls off the hook, But an overabundance of gas from Well, there’s the sound. Farts re- though. Sisters aren’t above using your teenager can signal an allergy. ally do come in a variety of them. gas to annoy their siblings either. “Oh “If it seems excessive, ask a pedia- And while we all pass gas—up to 20 yeah,” adds another mom. “My girls trician about it. Your teenager may times a day on average—it’s not ex- like to walk into each other’s room, be lactose or fructose intolerant.” actly socially acceptable. So, when fart, and run out laughing.” If that’s the case, there are simple it happens in public, it’s comedy to Still, beyond the humor, is farting ways to clear the air. “Take Lactaid a 12 year old. ever cause for concern? before consuming dairy products,” Finally, as anyone who’s grown up “Passing gas can be an adventure suggests Dr. Rome. “And Smarties— with brothers can a£est, farting is a sport for tweens and teens,” agrees yes, the candies—work for fructose show-stopper in the near-constant Dr. Ellen Rome, a pediatrician with intolerance.” —D.S.

Parents: Think Twice Before Texting Your Teen’s Friends If you have an adolescent son or daughter, then you’re texting. It’s almost the only way to communicate with a teenager these days. In a world with dying phone batteries and spotty cellular service, however, sometimes you need another

12 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 way to contact your teenager. Out of desperation, you may have even resorted to texting your teenager’s friend. But should you? Did you worry about the friend (or worse, the friend’s parents) thinking you were creepy or inappropriate? What boundaries should parents have when they text their teenager’s friends? A good rule of thumb is to ob- serve “the golden rule,” says family physician and author Dr. Deborah Gilboa. That is, would you want your child to text one of your friends to say what you are about to say? A quick text asking for a ride home from practice for your son? Completely appropriate. Something friendly, teasing, RECIPE or social, however, may make your teen uncomfortable or embarrassed. Steak Oreganata There’s nothing wrong with plain steak. But, why not try an Italian take “Kids should have different on sirloin with Steak Oreganata. “Oreganata” is Italian for “flavored with boundaries with adults than oregano,” says chef Sal Scognamillo, who’s new cookbook, Patsy’s Italian adults do with each other,” says Family Cookbook, features dishes from New York City's famed Patsy’s Dr. Gilboa. A social friendship Italian Restaurant, which his grandfather, Patsy, opened in 1944. between an adult and teen may “cause more trouble than ben- efit.” If you’re concerned about Makes 2 to 4 servings Broil the steaks until the tops of the steaks are nicely browned, about 5 minutes. Turn the steaks one of your teenager’s friends INGREDIENTS: and broil to brown the opposite sides, and until the and want to communicate with Two 12- to 14-ounce sirloin steaks, cut 1 inch steaks feel slightly resilient when pressed, 4 to 5 thick her, make sure it “is coming from minutes more for medium-rare. Transfer to a carv- a place of caring or mentorship, Olive oil, for coating and drizzling ing board and let stand for 3 to 5 minutes. not hanging out and fun,” which 1 teaspoon salt could be confusing. If your teen- 3. Using a sharp knife, cut the steaks across the ager has friends that you enjoy ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper grain on a slight diagonal into ½-inch-thick slices. and admire, wait a few years un- ¾ cup Seasoned Bread Crumbs Push the slices of each steak back together to resemble the original cut. Return to the broiler til they’re adults when it’s much Chopped fresh ﬂat-leaf parsley, for garnish rack. Top each steak with an equal layer of bread simpler and more appropriate to crumbs and lightly drizzle with olive oil. be friends with them. DIRECTIONS: 1. Let the steaks stand at room temperature for 30 4. Return the steaks to the broiler and broil until When in doubt about a text, minutes. Brush both sides with the oil and season with the salt and pepper. the topping has browned, 1 to 2 minutes. Transfer run it by your teen before you the slices to dinner plates and serve. hit send. 2. Position a broiler rack 6 inches from the heat —Jane Parent source and preheat well. Lightly oil the broiler rack.

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 13 IN A MINUTE

MOVE-OUT SKILLS 101: COOKING t some point, your young make pasta, which opens up a world adult may have an apart- of options. Eggs—scrambled, fried, A ment at college or during the omelets—are cheap and full of pro- summer. While many before them tein. Grilled cheese. Chicken and Inspiring Christ-like change through adventure, relationships and truth. have survived on pizza and fast food, rice stir-fry. Loaded baked potato. cooking at home is cheaper, healthi- Bagged salad with added meat or er, and tastes better. Before he leaves other veggies. WHEN IN DOUBT, THROW IT OUT. home, show your teenager a few Remind your teenager to pay atten- cooking basics: HOW TO HANDLE RAW MEAT. Share tion to expiration dates. No one likes basic rules of safe meat handling: wasting money, but the last thing you NAVIGATE THE GROCERY STORE. Never put cooked meat back on a tray want is to get sick from eating ex- Your teenager should learn how to that held raw meat. Wash utensils that pired food. A simple guideline: If you FAMILY CAMP pick fresh produce, compare prices, have touched raw meat before reuse. left it out on the counter and it smells and read labels. And use hot water or disinfectant to funny or looks weird, throw it out. Summer - Couples and Families wash cutting boards and counters to COOK A FEW SIMPLE MEALS. cut down on the risk of food poison- CLEAN UP. Fathers and sons, couples and It doesn’t have to be fancy. If your ing, E. coli, or salmonella. Everyone your teenager lives with— families strengthen bonds teenager can boil water, she can ever—will appreciate this. through unforgettable outdoor adventures in mountainous terrain. Top-notch food, inspiring speakers and

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YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 15 TECH TALK

mer full of r um idd s le a s 2015

Preschool Cƒmp GILMOUR ACADEMY OHIO

4 Simple Rules for Join us for a Summer Social of Fun at Gilmour! Media Day Camp • Swimming • Soccer • Basketball • Digital Music • Movie Making • Cooking • By Rebecca Borison Outdoor Adventure • Hockey • • • and more! June 8 - August 14 he day your adolescent forays into ing at your adolescent’s (many) selfies, decide what you’re trying to protect,” the world of social media can be ask for her help in creating your own Damour says. “You might talk about T a scary one. No surprise now that Snapchat, Twitter, or Instagram accounts. sleep. You might talk about protecting there’s no way for you to control every- “’What’s a hashtag? Who should I social skills and their development. Or Open to Boys & Girls up to Age 14 thing your adolescent sees or posts. follow?’ These questions create a mean- study skills or safety.” For some parents, this can lead to a ingful engagement, not just policing,” sort of “techno-panic.” Lehner says. “And what they don’t teach “If you decide that protecting sleep Online “We’ve been led to believe that there’s us, we need to teach ourselves. We need is a priority, then your rules fl ow from some 50-year-old man hiding behind to get in there.” that,” Damour explains. “Your rules Summer Camp Registration a My Little Pony avatar waiting to ab- might be, ‘The phone goes in my room duct them,” explains social media ex- 3. Recruit eyes and ears. Hopefully, before you go to sleep’ or ‘You shut down www.gilmour.org/ pert Jennifer Posner Lehner. “That hype your adolescent will be willing to the technology an hour before you go to World class facilities. First class fun. summercamp doesn’t match the reality.” “friend” or “follow” you on social me- sleep.’” Fact? Most adolescents use social dia. Or, you can fi nd a stand-in—like a It may be tempting for you to try to media safely. Here are four social-me- friend or relative—with whom your ad- monitor your adolescent’s every social- dia rules to help assuage your worries. olescent is willing to connect on social media move. But remember when you media. This individual can keep a qui- were an adolescent? When you hung 1. Channel Grandma. Social media et eye on your adolescent, with the un- out with your friends at the mall or platforms are very public and somewhat derstanding that if they see something gabbed on the phone? Chances are you permanent. Help your adolescent un- fi shy, they will inform you. Note: Be up- didn’t want your parent overhearing derstand this with the “Grandma Rule.” front about this with your adolescent. those conversations. “If you wouldn’t feel good with your Snooping mostly backfi res. “Teenagers are so busy these days grandma seeing what you’re about to do, that sometimes the only way they can GILMOUR ACADEMY then don’t do it,” says Dr. Lisa Damour, a 4. Set rules. Though your adoles- get together is online,” Damour notes. clinical psychologist and director of Laurel cent may balk, it’s your right to set rules “We need to be respectful that they de- School’s Center for Research on Girls. for social media (or any technology for serve and need some time together, but that matter). Start with a conversation. they need to behave in a way we can feel 2. Learn New Tricks. Instead of balk- “It’s helpful to sit down as a family and good about.” n An independent, coed, Catholic school in the Holy Cross tradition • PreK - Grade 12 • 34001 Cedar Road • Gates Mills, Ohio Where Inspiration(440) 684-2733 Happens

16 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 mer full of r um idd s le a s 2015

Preschool Cƒmp GILMOUR ACADEMY OHIO

Join us for a Summer of Fun at Gilmour! Day Camp • Swimming • Soccer • Basketball • Digital Music • Movie Making • Cooking • Outdoor Adventure • Hockey • • • and more! June 8 - August 14

Open to Boys & Girls up to Age 14 Online Summer Camp Registration www.gilmour.org/ World class facilities. First class fun. summercamp

GILMOUR ACADEMY

An independent, coed, Catholic school in the Holy Cross tradition • PreK - Grade 12 • 34001 Cedar Road • Gates Mills, Ohio Where Inspiration(440) 684-2733 Happens

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 17 IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Ya ra Shahidi from the New Hit Show Black-ish

Amid the drama of Hollywood, 14-year- old Yara Shahidi manages to stay grounded and lead a responsible and thoughtful life. Shahidi plays Zoey Johnson on the new TV show Black-ish, but when she’s not on the screen, she’s busy participating on her school’s debate team or listening to Lauryn Hill. Your Teen spoke with Shahidi to learn how she succeeds at maintaining normalcy while being a teen celebrity.

Have you ever thought of doing anything besides acting? I have wanted to be a historian for the longest time, but I keep changing my other desired professions. Last year I wanted to be a CIA agent or part of the FBI, but that ended up changing after I stopped watching so many detective shows. I was in a movie called Salt, and after watching that whole movie I was like “Oh my gosh, oh my goodness, I want to be in the CIA, I need to be in the CIA!” Right now I am exploring my options. History is always something I have loved, speciﬁcally African American, world, and Islamic history. I am also interested in public relations and advertising, particularly to combat gender stereotypes in the media.

How do you keep up with school while acting? Whenever I am shooting, I am in school on set. When there are media days or I am not shooting, I go to a school in LA. I think it’s a blessing and curse. My [off-set] teachers are super ﬂexible; the only thing is they are new to the idea of students basically being

18 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 gone all year and dropping in for a few cial media they help me with my posts, What if I don’t meet people? What if I hours every few months. But they are making sure my followers know what’s am all by myself?” It was a little nerve- very supportive. going on in my life. They will say, “Hey, wracking, but I enjoyed not going with there are a lot of things going on that anybody because it really opened me How do you manage to stay grounded you just did; you should let people up to everybody. I was no longer like, “I while going through this untraditional know.” Without them I wouldn’t be have to stay with this person and I have childhood? posting as much; I’m the kind of kid to do this and I have to do that.” It let It’s easy to get caught up in the “I just who would post once a month. me meet a lot of new and great people. auditioned for this,” and “I am au- ditioning for this!” atmosphere in Are there any teen trends that seem for- What’s your favorite book? Hollywood, so it’s nice to be at a school eign to you? The Catcher in the Rye. I think it is where nobody really cares. Not in a When it comes to clothing, I am on something that I can relate to. I don’t mean way, like, “I don’t care about the the more conservative side of things. think I am as crazy as Holden Caulfield, fact that you are doing a show,” but to I am not a crop top kind of person, so but he’s a teenager who’s kind of the my friends I am not Zoey from Black- long-sleeved crop tops kind of both- same age as I am going through this ish or the girl that acts. I am Yara that er my soul. I don’t mind anyone else developmental phase trying to hold they have known since 2nd grade. My wearing what they want to wear--it’s onto certain virtues and wishing that friends are interested in what I do, but a form of self expression, and I under- everything could stay the same, feeling their main concern is just having a stand that. But I don’t get the point like it’s all corrupted and then realizing good time and being in a relationship of wearing a long-sleeved crop top. that he doesn’t have to corrupt himself. with another human being. If you’re cold, why wear long sleeves He doesn’t have to become who every- and have your stomach showing? It’s one else is. Do you feel like an outsider with your counterintuitive. friends? What was on your wish list for the holi- There are definitely some moments You went to Oxford this summer. Tell us days this year? where I am like “Oh, they get to par- about your experience there. A record player. Last year it was a ticipate in this or that,” but I think it’s a The program I did is called Oxbridge, typewriter; the year before that was a small price to pay to be on a TV show. and it allows students to spend sum- pocket watch; and I think the year be- mers at different universities. I spent fore that was some fountain pen. Once You are so poised. Have you ever had the month of July there taking two his- someone asked me if I liked the band any media training? tory classes. At first I was concerned 1975, but I didn’t hear that part and Thank you. I haven’t really done media that it was just going to be a ton of I thought they meant the year 1975. I training, I have been instructed on top- work, but the program really gives you went on a whole rant about how I am ics to avoid such as spewing out polit- a lot of time to explore. I was doing more of a 1995 kind of person and why ical randomness. I am on my school’s summer projects for my actual school I like 1995 better than 1975. She just speech and debate teams; it comes nat- and writing essays at Oxford; it was looked at me like I was crazy and was urally for me. My parents tell me I’m definitely a busy summer. like, “Yara, honestly.” n an old soul. Did you know anyone else in the pro- —Interview by S.B. Do your parents have any restrictions gram beforehand? when it comes to social media? No, I didn’t, and at first it was like “Oh For the most part they trust me. On so- my goodness, what am I going to do?

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 19 BOOK REVIEW

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley This classic 1930s dystopian novel still resonates, say our reviewers.

ADULT REVIEW By Ma Peterson ublished in 1932, Aldous Huxley’s quantity. As readers, we can’t shake the by. Huxley's readers are shocked, not by futuristic, anti-industrial dysto- notion that Huxley’s future gains sta- how shallow his future is, but by how P pia, Brave New World, offers a bility at the cost of what truly gives us similar it is to their own. blithe picture of a bleak possibility. life: purpose, love, and belonging. No spoiler alert here: I don’t know The novel is set in an era called After At the start of each school year, to the end of our story. We are, as Rainer Ford (A.F.) and by 632 A.F., global civ- reclaim my educational footing (as Maria Rilke said, living our way into ilization has solved over-population, much for myself as for my students), I the answers. We read on to learn the geo-political violence, unemployment, take to the chalkboard and deﬁ ne what fate of Lenina Crowne, Bernard Marx, class conflict, and social malaise— ﬁ ction is: “an imaginative response to a Helmholtz Watson, and John Savage. all within the pillars of Community, social reality.” And we read to learn to author a fate Identity, and Stability. By implication, all serious fiction different from theirs—a fate far rich- To us, perhaps, it sounds like the is prophecy—a call to er, even if refined citizens of the World State have it all. the masses and to the by the crucible of an Until we count the cost. human heart to rec- uncertain world. For the people of “Our Ford,” the oncile what we are be- best way to “have it all” is not, actu- coming with all that Matt Peterson is the ally, to have it all, but to change the we should become. English Department Chair and Dean of terms, to constrain and redefine the Huxley’s dystopia is Academics at Western goal. Fordians live by a narrower band- not about the future. Reserve Academy. width, free from the chasms of life, but It’s no cautionary tale, also alien to its heights. They exchange but an indictment of happiness for pleasure and quality for the principles we live

TEEN REVIEW By Lexi Hubbel

rave New World is a stunningly nothing greater. When you slip away dictated by passion. For the Fordians, current novel that presents so- from happiness, you drink a soothing this is an entirely unfamiliar concept. B cial critique through a dystopi- beverage called soma “to calm your an- The Savage is familiar with the highs an world. The conversations prompted ger, to reconcile your enemies, to make and lows that accompany the intense by this novel are no less relevant today you patient and long-suffering.” Rather feelings of passion and bring about the than when the book was ﬁ rst published than bothering with the complexities instability this world works to control. 83 years ago. and instability caused by families and Brave New World prompts read- Huxley fabricates a world centered marital relationships, in this society ers to reconsider their own values, and on the pillars of “Community, Identity, “everyone belongs to everyone else.” how through these values they find and Stability,” one that has chosen to You have no mother, no spouse, no god meaning—whether they choose the “shift the emphasis from truth and to rely on. Instead you rely on the sys- path of happiness, or truth, or perhaps beauty to comfort and happiness.” This tem, the soma, the conditioning. a combination of the two. society achieves comfort and happiness Then a man called “the Savage,” through pre-birth conditioning of its raised by his mother with beliefs found- Lexi Hubbel is a senior at Western Reserve members: you have a predestined role, ed in God, disrupts the system, expos- Academy in Hudson, Ohio. and in that role you are happy, desiring ing this carefully planned world to life

20 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Choose your own adventure this summer Hathaway Brown oers a wide array of summer programming for boys and girls ages 3 – 18. With athletic, special interest, and academic oerings, there are plenty of ways you can create your own one-of-a-kind experience. Learning has never been more fun.

We have ﬂexible scheduling! Check us out online. It’s not too early to customize your HB. summer summer plans today. edu/ PERSPECTIVES SPONSORED BY

Perspectives reﬂ ects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.

CONTRIBUTORS An Honest

Parent's Look at Point Homelessness

ANONYMOUS

Adult's Parent Point By Anonymous

Shameful. Degrading. Humiliating. KEVINEE GILMORE That’s what it feels like to be homeless. If you haven’t been through it, you might have a hard time understanding Teen 1's the internal struggle homeless people Point go through, the emotional beat-down we give ourselves over the choices, both avoidable and inevitable, that led to our spiraling downfall. I was young when I became home- ANONYMOUS less, but I thought I knew everything. I was living with my boyfriend, and I was wrapped up in a fantasy world, blind- Teen 2's Point ed by the warning signs of a controlling relationship. At age 19, I became pregnant. As much as well-meaning adults try to advise them, teenagers are never truly prepared for the struggle that it is ANONYMOUS to be a parent. After our daughter was born, her father and I decided I would stay at home Professional and take care of her for the first few months while he worked. The problem soon became that since he was the sole source of income, he alone controlled every aspect of how we spent money. KAREN MCHENRY He frequently reminded me how much LISW-S, LCDC I relied on him. He often told me that I lived in “his” house. Whenever he was

22 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 23 PERSPECTIVES HOMELESSNESS “I vividly remember waiting with the social worker for someone to take me to my new home, the Donate ﬁ rst of 13 placements.”

angry, his fi rst reaction would simply be remembered that my child was going I was devastated when I woke up to tell me to get out. through the same confusing time that from my suicide attempt, and I ran I ignored him for a while, but things I myself felt barely strong enough to away. After several more runs and crim- quickly escalated, and soon he would pull through. That is how I knew that inal charges for unruly behavior, I was tell me to get out even when he wasn’t I must make it through. The question placed in a detention center. My grand- angry. I was torn; I didn’t want to stay then became: How do we move forward mother wanted to take me, but kids in an unhealthy environment with and heal? weren’t allowed in her senior citizen my daughter where I wasn’t want- It was two years before we made it housing and she was ill. The Cuyahoga ed—where we weren’t wanted—but I out, before I had an income steady and Country Department of Children and had nowhere to go, and he knew this. sufficient enough to support myself Family Services (CCDCFS) took me into However much he wanted me to leave, and my daughter and move into our emergency custody and placed me in a he knew I couldn’t, and he would taunt own home. It was the fi rst place I lived foster home. me, telling me I had no friends, no fam- in completely on my own, and I was so I vividly remember waiting with the ily, no one but him. proud. We made it. I had come out of it social worker for someone to take me As he slowly tore me apart, I tried hardened a bit, yes, but stronger, more to my new home, the fi rst of 13 place- to rebuild myself, strengthening my resilient. I learned from my mistakes ments. I attended five different high resolve to leave even though I knew I and realized that sometimes, hard times schools and only passed the ninth grade had nowhere to go. One day, I just left. happen to the best of us. proficiency test in the 12th grade. I I packed up as much as I could manage, hardly had any friends because each mostly my daughter’s things. We went time I got a little comfortable in a foster from friend’s house to friend’s house, home, I got kicked out. I hated my life. I sometimes even staying with a friend of Adult never got a chance to be a kid. a friend who was essentially a stranger But I graduated from high school, as a last resort. By Kevinee Gilmore and in the foster care world, a high It was a rough time. I was living a life school diploma is like a Ph.D. I knew wasn’t supposed to be mine, but What’s the first thing that comes to On my 18th birthday, I was taken to through it all I kept going, never letting mind when you think of homelessness? court for legal emancipation. But then I the weight of the situation crush me. A down-and-out middle-aged per- learned that my foster care mother was Being homeless and a mother did son asking for change to buy liquor or kicking me out because she would no for the Environment, nothing but amplify the shame and hu- drugs? Well, there is another less-visible longer be receiving any money for me. miliation I felt. No parent is prepared to population—teenagers in the foster care I was 18, a high-school graduate, home- look into her child’s face and summon system. My name is Kevinee Gilmore, less and scared. words to try to explain this terrifying sit- and I was one of them. My social worker suggested college, uation. No parent who has spent years Often, I am asked how it happened, not to acquire more education, but to magically kissing away the pain from where my support systems were, and “use the dorm as an apartment.” No one for People. owwies and boo-boos is prepared for where did I stay? had mentioned college to me before. the day her child cries from a pain that At age 12, I tried to commit suicide. But if they had, I wouldn’t have believed cannot be soothed. Dealing with the I was an abused child. My stepfather I was smart enough. reality of my child being homeless was physically abused me, and my mother I applied and was accepted and told the greatest challenge and heartbreak had mental health issues. In order to to take any loan they would give me. No I faced. Losing my home and most of get more money from Social Security, one mentioned scholarships or fi nancial my belongings wasn’t as hard, because my mom insisted I tell people that I aid grants. Once on campus, I began to I could replace things. was hearing voices. I was admitted into make friends, and I am glad I did be- At times when I could barely hold mental health hospitals and given anti- cause otherwise I would have had no- it together from the burden of it all, I psychotic medication. where to go during breaks and holidays. planetaid.org 24 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Donate Today

for the Environment, for People.

Locate your nearest bin at planetaid.org PERSPECTIVES

I grabbed my two little sisters and climbed into the dumpster with them. I held them while they fell asleep in my arms and waited for my mother to return.

Then the school informed me that I biological mom, informing her that I ward the door and yelling “Get the hell would one day have to pay back all my was sleeping in my car. Her response out!” and my dad walking out and tak- loans. I felt set up. I had a place to live, was she “didn't give a f**k.” I learned ing the car. but was taking on a lot of debt. I left col- the game quickly; the next shelter I Soon after, the bitter motel manager, lege, bought a car with my refund check, called, I said that I was pregnant. The who always reeked of cigarette smoke, and began working. women there were nice. I was grate- knocked on the door. My mom looked I got a third floor apartment that I ful for having a place to sleep. But I out the window, wishing it wasn't him. could hardly afford while working two was eventually kicked out of the shel- She had not paid for the past week we'd jobs. I had no independent living skills ter for curfew reasons and returned to been staying there. She looked at me, and was afraid of living alone. I moved the same cycle. then glanced at my two little sisters who in with a family member who said I My journey definitely taught me were on the bed watching cartoons, and could live with her for free, attend com- survival skills and gave me resilience. whispered, "Shit." munity college, and help her with her Things began to improve after I met Slowly, she opened the door and son. I was ecstatic. Senine Cook, a CCDCFS indepen- stood quietly, waiting for the manager It was too good to be true. While dent living worker and the person who to speak. After a long second of staring I was living at my relative’s home, her most helped me get out of the cycle of angrily at the floor, he finally looked boyfriend tried to force intimacy with homelessness. up and said, "Christine, I need you me. When I told her, she kicked me out. Now I’m a college graduate, as well as out by noon today, or I will be forced I was hurt, scared, and homeless in the a mother. When I encounter homeless to call the cops and have you escort- dead of winter. people, I try not to judge them. I wonder ed out." Before my mom had a chance I had nowhere to go. All I had was my whether our challenges are the same, to respond, he was headed back to the rundown car. My brother, who was also whether they have parents, and whether check-in desk. in foster care, was sneaking me into his their homelessness is just a result of no My mom slammed the door shut, placement for a while. I would go in at one truly taking the time to help. made her way over all the junk that was night and leave in the morning. When his I hope my story encourages you to spread out along the ﬂ oor, grabbed the social workers became aware of this, they wonder the same. I was homeless. I was phone and started dialing. I knew it was threatened to take his placement away. somebody’s baby out there with no real going to be a long day, so I laid my sisters Then I began living out of my car, taking direction, just prayer and faith. down for a nap, then started to clean up showers where I could, and sleeping here and put everything in our bags before and there at friends’ houses Kevinee Gilmore has a B.A. in social work from we had to head out again. I felt like a burden everywhere I Cleveland State University and is now pursuing My mom was yelling on the phone, went. I was so hopeless and scared. a master's degree in special education. She’s a sub- saying that someone owed her and she Then my car was broken into. That was stitute teacher and is also rehabbing abandoned needed a place to stay for a bit just until a breaking point—my entire life was in homes in Cleveland for youth aging out foster care. she found a job. As I looked away, she that car. I remember feeling like “Why slammed the phone down and asked if me? Does God hate me?” I worked at a everything was packed. “No," I respond- nursing home and could eat there, but ed. "Hurry up then!" she yelled. that shortly ended because I was ﬁ red Teen 1 My sisters were still lying down as for being late to work. That was another my mom walked out of the room, head- low point—with nowhere to go and no- By Anonymous ing down the stairs. I grabbed them, where to eat, I began to call shelters. carrying the one-year-old and hold- All of the shelters asked my age, I woke up with my mom and dad yelling the two-year-old’s hand, with two whether I had a kid, and whether I ing and fighting once again. We were bags slung over my shoulder. We made had experienced domestic violence. I living in a motel room. The fight end- it downstairs, where my mom was was so desperate I even contacted my ed with my mom pushing my dad to- screaming because my dad took the car.

26 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 HOMELESSNESS

I sat down next to my sisters on the curb, them. I held them while they fell asleep ple gave us food from McDonald’s and waiting for my mom to calm down. in my arms and waited for my mother some change. We finally went back to We sat there for several hours. My to return. the dumpster and repeated the same mom finally started talking, ordering My mom came back in the morn- thing for three days. us to get up. We walked to an alley near ing with three 7-Eleven hot dogs and a The fourth day, my mother returned the motel. It was pitch black outside, so big soda. She asked why we were in the a little later than usual. She ordered us to we sat by a smelly dumpster. My two lit- dumpster. I told her I was scared. She get up as if we were in a hurry or some- tle sisters started to say they were hun- told me I was never allowed to be scared thing and excitedly said we were going gry and tired, so I dressed them in the and that I was never to speak about home. We all looked at her, confused. We two jackets that were in the bag that sleeping in a dumpster. never had a home. We had "sleepovers" I packed our stuff in. They soon fell For the next two hours, my two lit- as my mom liked to call them. We made asleep, curled up by my legs. tle sisters played around the dumpsters our way to these apartments where my My mother asked if I was OK, and I while I looked at a book full of dino- dad was standing waiting for us, and he said yes. She said to wait there—she'd be saur pictures. Then my mother grabbed picked up my little sisters and asked me right back. I asked where she was going, all of our stuff, and we started walking how was sleeping at my mom’s friend’s. and she told me not to worry about it, again. We stopped at the freeway en- I glanced at my mom, then back at my that she'd be back soon. trance and asked for money from peo- dad, responding, "Fun." He walked us in A man walked by, glanced over at us, ple. A homeless man looked at us and the apartment and showed us our room. and spit near the dumpster. Freezing gave us his sign that read "desperate for I was so confused, but learned to never and scared, I grabbed my two little sis- help! anything will be appreciated." We question my parents, so I took it without ters and climbed into the dumpster with sat there all day as just a couple of peo- any questioning.

the truth. Are they dating? Or is he afraid to go home?

Over 46% of homeless teens escape a home where they suffer physical abuse. Many are rejected by their families because of their sexual orientation. Do you know the real story about the teens hanging out at your house? You can be a trusted adult. Have the conversation. We can help you unfold the truth and provide support and options for the teen.

Call Us 24/7. 216-570-8010 Bellefaire JCB www.bellefairejcb.org Homeless & Missing Youth Program

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 27 PERSPECTIVES

Later, I was placed in foster care Teen 2 ing in shelters was by far the hardest. It’s and adopted. My adoptive mom put not easy to be a child and be homeless. me into a group home when I was 15. By Anonymous You worry what friends will think— It was because I reported her abuse on if they would look at you differently if me. I was going to be homeless on my No one wants to think about children they knew—so you keep it hidden, bur- 18th birthday. Knowing what that was being homeless. No one wants to picture ied away so no one knows. The problem like, I fought that outcome and won fi- innocent faces and associate them with with burying things and not acknowl- nancial support until age 21. I now live horrific reality. Sweet, syrupy fantasy is edging them, I came to find, is that they with the founder of The Teen Project, easier to swallow than hard, bitter real- grow unnoticed inside of you until they a program that provides free room and ity. But homeless kids do exist; I exist. become so great they have nowhere to board and college funding for kids ag- Since I was young, my mother has go but out. ing out of foster care. I am working on struggled with addiction. Even though Being homeless made me not only my education and job skills so I never the addiction was her demon, every ashamed but angry—angry at my moth- have to fear homelessness again. choice and consequence that came from er, angry at myself, angry at the world— that addiction directly affected me, in- and I lashed out in every way I knew This story comes to Your Teen by way of The Teen cluding the many times we were home- how. This monster that was homeless- Project, a not for profit that helps teenagers who less. We stayed with family members ness ate away at me until I no longer have aged out of foster care. Learn more at theteenproject.com or follow founder Lauri Burns at first, until my mother burned those cared about anyone or anything, until I on Twitter @theteenproject. bridges. Then we stayed with friends, became hardened to life and the things who were few and far between. But stay- that happened to me.

Developing self-reliant, innovative leaders with strong moral character.

AOA…where students learn to think creatively.

Andrews Osborne Academy is a co-educational, independent, college preparatory day (grades pre-kindergarten through 12th) and boarding (7-12) school. Our lower, middle, and upper school students learn and thrive in a multicultural environment. Our 300-acre campus is truly a global village with some of the best and brightest students from down the street, across America, and around the world.

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28 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 HOMELESSNESS

What I didn’t realize then was that I should not have been angry or ashamed, and what I realize now is that I am not It’s likely that a teen in your less than others just because I was neighborhood is living with homeless. To be honest, now that I’m older a parent in a car, sleeping on and on my own, being homeless is still couches at friends’ houses, or something I struggle with. I still go from house to house and shelter to shelter. staying on the streets. While I hope that things will change, at times I am hopeless, stuck in the mindset that things will remain the same. I wish people would realize that being homeless isn’t a disease you catch. It’s also not a choice; you don’t wake up one morning and decide, “I think I want to be homeless starting today.” es at friends’ houses, or staying on the vere anxiety and depression, poor health I was and still am a good person; I streets. Homeless youth look different and nutrition, and low self-esteem. was and still am an intelligent young than homeless adults and are virtually Some teens will overcome this and use man, despite everything that I have invisible to most people. They don’t nec- the experience to motivate themselves, been through, everything I am going essarily look dirty— their clothes aren’t and others will struggle for years. through. always tattered and worn. You will see Runaway and homeless youth are them in school, at the library, in coffee particularly at risk for engaging in sur- shops, or other teen-friendly locations, vival sex, which means trading sex for Professional or even in your own home. They may be money, a place to stay, even food. One in your child’s friends. three youth who have been gone from By Karen McHenry LISW-S, LCDC Why does a teen become homeless? home for two weeks or longer are at seri- According to the National Runaway ous risk of being trafﬁ cked for sex. Almost every day, I talk with or meet Safeline, more than 50 percent of One of the most important things with teens who are homeless and reach- homeless youth report that their par- you can do to protect your own teen is ing out for help. They have sadness in ents told them to leave, or knew of their to create an environment in which he or their eyes and fear in their voices. They plans to leave and did nothing to stop she feels comfortable talking with you. are not criminals; they are the victims of them. Forty-six percent of homeless Open communication is key. Ask about homelessness. youth escaped a home where they suf- friends and classmates. Know where No story is the same. One teen may fered physical abuse. Many have been they go when they leave the house. Show have parents who lost their home be- rejected by their families because of your teen’s friends that you are a trusted cause of unemployment or illness. their sexual orientation. adult and can help if needed. If you be- Another may have a caregiver who When a homeless teen tells me his lieve a teen you know is in trouble, you struggles with addiction. These teens or her personal story, I always hear can call 211 to be connected with servic- may feel sad, ashamed, and anxious pain, shame, sadness, and stress. Many es in your community. about their family stress. homeless youth have developed a pow- Youth homelessness is a more seri- erful ability to survive. Young people Karen McHenry is the homeless and missing youth ous issue than most people know. Last who leave home often ﬁ nd themselves program manager at Cleveland-based Bellefaire year, our homeless and missing youth scared, confused, lonely, hungry, and JCB, a national Safe Place partner. She is the re- cipient of the Childcare Worker of the Year Award, program served 4,000 Cleveland- cash-strapped. They may have sub- and the National Direct Service Worker Merit area teens, families, and community stance abuse and/or mental health is- Award from Child Welfare League of America. members. sues. As a result, they easily fall victim In Cuyahoga County, call the Homeless and Teen homelessness is not confined to drug and alcohol abuse or dealing, Missing Youth 24/7 Hotline at (216) 570-8010. to the inner city. It’s likely that a teen physical and sexual abuse, violence, in your neighborhood is living with and/or suicide. a parent in a car, sleeping on couch- Homeless teens often suffer from se-

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 29 REBELLION!

YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 REBELLION!(Why You Shouldn’t Worry)

BY RANDYE HODER | PHOTOS BY BE TH SEGAL

he image is deeply em- idea of teenage rebellion was later question, they see it as deﬁance.” bedded in pop culture— popularized by G. Stanley Hall in None of this is to say that deal- from movies (think Jim his two-volume tome Adolescence, ing with a teenager who is constant- T Stark in Rebel Without a considered the bible on the subject ly being contrarian is easy. Having Cause) to music (“You’ve got your through the 1970s. someone in your house who rolls his mother in a whirl,” David Bowie Today, however, most scholars eyes at your every utterance, slams wails in Rebel, Rebel) to literature see teenagers’ tendency to chal- her bedroom door when you tell (“The foul-mouthed teenage rebel lenge their parents—about every- her to clean her room, or stomps off dropout became required reading,” thing from curfew to politics to when you set bedtimes or curfews as one critic says of Holden Caulﬁeld religion to what to wear out on a can be extremely stressful. from The Catcher in the Rye). Saturday night—as a natural part But the distinction between ac- There’s just one problem with of growing up. tual rebellion and what most ado- this ubiquitous take on adolescent “It would be like saying your lescents do—which is to push back agitation: It’s wrong. husband is ‘rebelling’ when he dis- in a normal, healthy way—is cru- “Most teens don’t rebel,” says agrees with you,” says Laurence cial. Indeed, with this difference in Nancy Darling, Ph.D., a professor Steinberg,Ph.D., a Temple mind, here are three ways that par- of psychology at Oberlin College University psychologist and author ents can help make the teen years a and one of a growing number of ex- of more than a dozen books on ad- little smoother for everyone. perts who say the notion of “teenage olescence, most recently the Age of rebellion” is invalid. “They disagree, Opportunity. “Parents become ac- 1. COMPROMISE WHERE IT which is not the same thing.” customed to little kids not question- MAKES SENSE. Introduced by Sigmund Freud ing them, so when their kids get to It is important to understand that at the turn of the 20th century, the an age where it’s natural for them to the major battles between teens and

YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 31 REBELLION!

their parents are usually about control. a way you can both be happy,” Steinberg says. A typical example is when your kid In my own house, we’ve reached just has a messy bedroom. Mom and dad such a compromise. My 17-year-old is re- can’t get past the dust and dirt, piles quired to pick up the mess in his room once of clothing, and grimy dishes. All they a week so it can be cleaned. The rest of the want is for things to be cleaned up—and week, I let him have his space. (I just try now. Meanwhile, the kid says, “It’s my not to look.) room. If you don’t like it, I’ll close the One way to ﬁnd a middle ground is to door.” test things on a pilot basis. Says Darling: The key to solving this kind of ar- “If there is an area where they want more gument is not to give your teen an ul- freedom and you are uncomfortable, you timatum: “Clean your room or you can say, ‘Let’s try it—if it works out great. If can’t go out this weekend.” Instead, not, we’ll step back.’” Steinberg suggests that parents find a way to reach a reasonable compro- 2. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. mise—to acknowledge your teen’s On big issues—abiding by curfew, point of view while asserting attending school, never drinking your parental right to have a and driving—parents have clean home. an obligation to be firm. “Brainstorm with And research shows your kid to ﬁgure out that most teens are

The key to solving this kind of argument is not to give your teen an ultimatum.

¡ YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 more than comfortable with that. 3. COMMUNICATE EARLY AND a particularly touchy topic, Gross ad- “In our studies we find that kids OFTEN. vises, try sitting down with him and actually complain that parents don’t One way to lower the temperature in watching a TV show or a video that hits set rules—not that they do,” Darling your house is to keep the lines of com- on the subject. That way, the conversa- says. “They may not like the rules, munication open. This is important no tion will feel less personal; the lens will they may not agree with you, but they matter what age your child is. And if you remain on the larger issue, not on your believe in your right to set them and are not in the habit of talking with your child per se. they want those boundaries. It lets kids, it’s never too late to start. Another tip: sometimes the best them know that you care, and it gives That said, the earlier the better. time to chat is in the car, on a hike, or them something to rub up against.” “Don’t wait until they are 13 or in before bed when the lights are out—all At the same time, parents shouldn’t trouble,” says Amy Bobrow Gross, occasions when you’re not looking your be rigid on things that don’t matter as Ph.D., a New York psychologist whose kid right in the eye. “Avoiding eye con- much, if at all. private practice focuses on children and tact can take some of the pressure off,” “These are areas where you could teens. “You want them to feel comfort- Gross notes. make a case that the kid should have a able talking to you well before they be- Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact say,” Darling explains. “Like what music come teenagers.” that communicating with your teen is they listen to, who their friends are, who This isn’t always easy—especially a two-way street. Keep your ears—and they date, what they wear, and what if you have a tendency to argue. That’s your mind—open. “A healthy argument they do in their free time.” why it’s best to walk away in the heat of is a good time for you to really listen Steinberg agrees. “On most of the big the moment, Gross says, and then come and consider what your kid is saying,” issues, teens and parents usually see eye back when everyone is calmer so you Darling counsels. “It may be a good time to eye,” he says. “It’s the little things that can have a more productive dialogue. to reconsider some of your rules.” they get hung up on.” If you want to talk to your teen about Of course, there are still situations in

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Don’t lose sight of the fact that communicating with your teen is a two-way street. Keep your ears—and your mind—open.

which teenagers act out in ways that are is lying to you, abusing drugs, or with- not normal or healthy. As a parent, you drawing completely. “If they are hav- must be alert to the red ﬂags. ing unsafe sex, if they are drinking too Experts agree, for instance, that if much, if they are in trouble, you need your child is arguing with you about to step in and get them to stop,” Darling absolutely everything—“You can’t says. “That is your job as a parent.” force me to go to school,” “You have But remember, this kind of be - no right to tell me not to drink”—it’s a havior is more often the exception. cause for concern. In most families, a certain amount of “In families where teenagers are pushback from your teenager is to be being oppositional just for the sake expected—even embraced. “They are of being oppositional, there is usual- just becoming more independent and ly something wrong,” Steinberg says. autonomous,” Darling says. “They are “There are usually deeper problems in doing what they are supposed to do.” the family’s relationships.” Just don’t call it rebellion. n The same is true if your adolescent

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¢ YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT Being confronted by a deﬁant teenager can be...well, we’re just going to come right out and say it: really (really) aggravating! So, we decided to ask parenting expert Amy Speidel— known as the “child whisperer” around Your Teen’s oce—for her advice.

It can be frustrating moment, he’s not managing ager should understand that go. Or, you can leave it and feel when a teenager pushes well. He’s feeling trapped, he doesn’t pick up the keys the consequences as they fall. I back, especially in a way exposed, or vulnerable in without asking, “May I?” won’t save you from them. You that feels really rude. some way, and if you can bal- will have to deal with them.” Sure, and all parents deal ance yourself enough to wish So, you give your with it. You’re driving home them well, you won’t judge teenager parameters Often, we get from your teenager’s soccer them quite so harshly. in advance—say, emotional and blurt game, and you want to talk no phones during out a consequence that about the game, but your So, let’s move beyond homework—but she we’d really rather not teenager bursts out with, rudeness to outright defies you. What now? enforce. How can we “Please can we just stop talk- defiance. What then? You really can’t physically best approach naming ing about the game!” Her be- Oftentimes, teenagers are make a teenager do anything, consequences? havior is rude, and so now the deﬁant because as parents we so you say, “Here are your op- We should give consequences conversation escalates into haven’t proactively commu- tions: you can do this, get it from our executive space to how disrespectful she’s being nicated our expectations for a done, and then you’re free to our teenager’s executive space. to her parents, who went out particular situation. As chil- of their way to go to the game dren gain skills, they believe and so on. But, we all know that they should be able to lectures never go well. Your use those skills the same way lecture won’t get through adults do. For example, your your teen’s belligerence. teenager will think, “When I get my driver’s license, I will So what’s a better way? have unlimited access to the Try, “That might not have car,” or “I can watch Netflix been the best way to express whenever I want, just like my that you would like some qui- parents.” Deﬁance often aris- et. Perhaps we can work on es when the story that your how you say that differently teenager has rehearsed in his the next time, but right now, head—which he may have let’s just be quiet.” We have to rehearsed over and over trust that when we’ve done again— differs from enough groundwork with our the one that you’ve teens, we can back off and let rehearsed in your the remorse kick in. In other head. words, when your teenager is belligerent, you should be And so we quiet so that they can hear need to be their own belligerence. clear about expectations? That doesn’t sound easy. Yes, and proactively No, but think about it this discuss the param- way. Whatever is going on eters. If it’s a family with your teenager in that car, then your teen-

YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 35 REBELLION! What you need to say from your executive A Growth Mindset Raises space is: “Look, you have the power here. You need to just get it done.” Grades and Productivity

Threats come from our emotional space, No, you don’t need to come up with it at teenager is reckless with his stuff—and and they’re a threat because you don’t that moment. But, you do have to follow loses something, say a phone charger— SAY Parent Book Discussion Analyzes really want to have to enforce them and through if your teenager doesn’t abide then you say, “You are going to have to your teenager probably knows that. Say, by your expectations. You can also rely wait until you can afford another phone this New Psychology of Success your consequence is, “If you choose not to on the natural consequences: “Since you charger. You don’t get to just take an- get that done, then you are not going to didn’t take the time to complete the as- other charger from the house.” be able to go on the overnight trip.” That’s signment, you’re on your own with this when you are either going to get pushback one.” Then, let the consequence from Do you have any final thoughts? if they believe you—or they will say “fi ne” school take its effect. It’s helpful to remember the purpose Join Us. Facilitated Parent Discussions because they don’t believe you. What you of consequences. It’s not about mak- Please join SAY Parent Committee in a discussion on Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Stanford need to say from your executive space is: Can you give more scenarios? ing your teenager miserable. It’s about, University Psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., a leading researcher in the elds of motivation, personality, “Look, you have the power here. You need Say your teenager took off, when she “I want you to be successful in this. You social psychology, and developmental to just get it done.” They are going to be was supposed to take her sister some- may not feel like this is right, but every- psychology. Mindset explains why it’s not just angry, but if you are calm about it, they where. You could say, “You no longer thing in me wants you to make the wis- our abilities and talent that bring us success – will start to manage themselves. have the rights to the car in the way that est choice.” n but whether we approach them with a xed or we thought you were going to. You will growth mindset. Do we need to come up with no longer be able to get yourself from To read more of our interview with Speidel, in- a consequence right then and here to there, and you are going to have cluding how boys are different than girls when it Intelligence Can Be Developed there? to find another way to do it.” If your comes to defi ance, visit us on the web at bit.ly.com/ With the right mindset, we can motivate our kids speidel and help them to raise their grades, and reach our own goals – personal and professional. SAY social workers will delve into several issues raised in the book including why bright children stop working and what to do about it, and how praise LAKE RIDGE ACADEMY can harm if not used well. The West Side’s Premier K-12 College Preparatory School Free Book Discussions April 8, 2015 7p – 8:30p OPEN HOUSE Shaker Library Bertram Woods Branch Sunday, April 19 Presentation Starts at 1 pm April 15, 2015 11a – 12:30p RSVP 440-327-1175 ext. 9104 or Bellefaire JCB at www.lakeridgeacademy.org April 29, 2015 • 8:1 student to teacher ratio 7p – 8:30p Orange Library • STEAM curriculum for all students K-12 What School • College counseling begins in Should Be ninth grade 37501 Center Ridge Road • Significant financial aid and North Ridgeville, OH 44039 For information or to RSVP: A Program of merit scholarships available www.lakeridgeacademy.org Nancy Schaumburg, LISW-S, SAY Coalition Coordinator (216) 320-8469 • [email protected] • Transporation and after school Bellefaire JCB SSocialAdvocatesAYforYouth www.e-say.org program available

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are o ered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, £ YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayeld, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst. A Growth Mindset Raises Grades and Productivity

SAY Parent Book Discussion Analyzes this New Psychology of Success

Join Us. Facilitated Parent Discussions Please join SAY Parent Committee in a discussion on Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Stanford University Psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., a leading researcher in the elds of motivation, personality, social psychology, and developmental psychology. Mindset explains why it’s not just our abilities and talent that bring us success – but whether we approach them with a xed or growth mindset. Intelligence Can Be Developed With the right mindset, we can motivate our kids and help them to raise their grades, and reach our own goals – personal and professional. SAY social workers will delve into several issues raised in the book including why bright children stop working and what to do about it, and how praise can harm if not used well. Free Book Discussions April 8, 2015 7p – 8:30p Shaker Library Bertram Woods Branch April 15, 2015 11a – 12:30p Bellefaire JCB April 29, 2015 7p – 8:30p Orange Library

For information or to RSVP: A Program of Nancy Schaumburg, LISW-S, SAY Coalition Coordinator Bellefaire JCB (216) 320-8469 • [email protected] SSocialAdvocatesAYforYouth www.e-say.org

SAY – Social Advocates for Youth is a school-based prevention and early intervention program of Bellefaire JCB for students in middle and high school. SAY services are o ered in eight east suburban school districts in Cuyahoga County: Beachwood, Chagrin Falls, Cleveland Heights-University Heights, Mayeld, Orange, Shaker Heights, Solon and South Euclid-Lyndhurst. TEEN SPEAK BY ISABELLA JAFFE RY Hey Parents, Chill

eenage rebellion. ing. We want independence, We all recognize and it can be hard to obtain, the signs: eye roll- even with a driver’s license T ing, deep sighs, and a job. This is why we’re staying out late, maybe pushed to rebel. even dying our hair. Oh no, Obviously, most parents you’ve got an angsty teen in would not like their teens to the house! Although lately be out late, drinking and do- it seems as if there is a re- ing drugs, skipping school, bellious teen in every single or any of the other “typical” movie that fits all of these rebellious things that some stereotypes, rebelling isn’t of us do in our teens. But I just a cliché. Many teens believe a healthy amount of feel that they need to rebel rebellion is completely nor- in order to distance them - mal and can even help us selves from their parents. figure out who we are. No Rebellion honestly matter how great a parent doesn’t just have to be stay- you may be, you shouldn’t ing out late, doing drugs, and want a carbon copy of your- having sex. We like to reb- self. Rebelling helps open el against our parents’ val- our world to things that we ues. If a parent is obviously wouldn’t have experienced okay with their teenager hav- had we not tried to get a lit- ing sex in high school, then tle distance from the things that kid might swear off sex our parents believe they know best.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the “cool parent”—in fact, sometimes this can be even more embarrassing.

until marriage. If a parent wasn’t the valedictori- So, parents, although teen an in high school and sees rebellion is painted as a pret- no reason for their teenager ty terrible thing in the me - to be, that teenager might dia lately, please be willing to push himself to be the vale- believe it can help your teen dictorian simply as a way to too. It can be a learning ex- distance himself from his perience. We’re trying some- parent. We might even rebel thing out to see if it works for in a simple way, like refusing us, kind of like trying out for to do our homework before the track team or a school we watch television. play. A lot of it is nothing to Basically, when we’re in worry about and, quite hon- our teenage years, most of estly, you should expect it us don’t want to be like our from your teen. parents. It doesn’t matter if you’re the “cool parent”— Isabella Jaffery is a sophomore in in fact, sometimes this can high school. be even more embarrass-

¤ YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 118_Years_YT_Layout 1 2/5/15 5:10 PM Page 1

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YOUR TEEN | MARCH-APRIL 2015 39 CROSSROADS

Porn Gives Teens the Wrong Idea About Sex

By Laura Putre

generation ago, accessing pornography required eort. Unless an older sibling had a stash, or a parent subscribed to an X-rated cable channel, teens had to actually A leave the house and often craft elaborate plans to be able to view it. Now a veritable buet of porn is as close as the nearest Internet-connected device—and its ubiquity has aected teen attitudes toward sexuality, body image, violence, and treatment of women.

“It’s well understood among teens that free online pornogra- nography might seem like an insurmountable challenge. But phy is the primary source of sexual education for teen boys,” given the prevalence of the material, professionals who coun- says Dr. Wes Crenshaw, a Lawrence, Kansas-based family sel adolescents say such conversations are vital. psychologist who is co-writing a book on parenting teens in “You should assume with 100 percent certainty that your the Internet age. “I always say that learning sex from porn is kids will be exposed to explicit content,” explains Crenshaw. like learning about animals from watching Road Runner and “Get involved in that conversation early on.” Wile E. Coyote.” Start by stressing that real-life intimate relationships have For parents who feel uncomfortable just explaining the little to do with what’s being portrayed online. Says Crenshaw: birds and the bees, starting a conversation about online por- “Most Internet pornography is a cartoon of human sexuality.” Photo: Beth Segal Beth Photo:

40 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Porn Gives Teens the Wrong Idea About Sex

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 41 CROSSROADS Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

Singer suggest that parents actually view some of the sites that their teenagers are visiting so they know what issues to address.

And if you’ve already discovered your just want to find out what’s going on.’” and adolescent family therapist in New teenager viewing Internet porn? Singer suggests that parents actu- Canaan, Connecticut. Making it harder Stay calm and don’t be confronta- ally view some of the sites that their to access might just discourage a teen tional, advises Jonathan Singer, Ph.D., teenagers are visiting so they know from viewing it altogether. LCSW, an assistant professor at Temple what issues to address. Don’t speak in “A huge percentage of teen pornog- University and National Association of abstractions. That might mean saying, raphy is viewed in the home,” says Fox. Social Workers expert who specializes “Penises are not typically 8 to 12 inch- “A little bit at school, a little bit at other in counseling children and teens. es long. Most people don’t like being places.” “Most kids who look at porn on slapped and tied up and forced to give Above all, parents should take seri- the Internet are not going to become blow jobs to a dozen guys,” Singer ex- ously their role in teaching their teens porn addicts,” Singer says. “You can plains. “Debunk the myth,” Singer says. to self regulate so they grow up to be say, ‘I saw somebody was looking at “Be very clear and honest.” healthy, independent adults. porn on the computer, and it wasn’t Parents can also consider adding a “When your teenagers leave home to me, and there are only two of us in porn ﬁlter to their home network. While go live in a dorm or get their own place, the house. There are a lot of things I’d it’s not a panacea, it does make clear and they’re able to say, ‘I could look at like to discuss with you about porn. that you don’t approve of viewing por- porn but I’m not going to,’ then you have From art school to I’m not mad; you’re not in trouble. I nography, explains Darby Fox, a child won as a parent,” Singer says. n transforming concepts.

Wesley Burt Creativity matters to Wes Burt. Wesley turned his passion CIA Class of 2004 for drawing into an amazing career. As a concept artist at Drawing major Massive Black, Wesley has developed characters for all of the Senior Concept Artist Transformer ﬁlms. He also creates characters, environments, Massive Black and storyboards for video games. In his spare time he exhibits his breathtaking artwork in San Francisco galleries.

See Wes at work at cia.edu/burt n Bachelor of Fine Arts degree n World-class faculty n Real-world experience n 9:1 student to faculty ratio n University Circle: Cultural hub n Studio space for each student n Successful alumni network

For more information, visit cia.edu Since 1882 42 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

From art school to transforming concepts.

For more information, visit cia.edu Since 1882 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 43 We Tr e a t People, Not Just Smiles. We offer orthodontic treatment for children, teens, and adults! In addition to traditional metal braces, we have clear ceramic braces and Invisalign® treatment available. Call today to see how we can help create the beautiful smile you deserve.

Did you know? e American Association of Orthodontists recommends all children receive an orthodontic evaluation by age 7. 440.349.5885 FREE Exam and Consultation www.solonorthodontics.com 44 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 ASK THE DOCTOR We Tr e a t SPONSORED BY People, Not Just Smiles. We offer orthodontic treatment for children, teens, and adults! In addition to traditional metal braces, we have clear Orthodontist ceramic braces and Invisalign® treatment available. Weighs in on Call today to see how we can help create the Braces beautiful smile you deserve. Does your teen need braces? What should parents know about orthodontic treatment, and when is it time to see an orthodontist? We posed these questions to Dr. Philip D. Bomeli, DDS, MS of Solon Orthodontics in Solon, Ohio. In this Q&A, Dr. Bomeli gives some advice about braces that might surprise you.

When is it time for a teen to see an baseline. Most orthodontists won’t makes subsequent treatment easier, fast- orthodontist? charge for this initial consultation. er, and less expensive in the long term. Did you know? e American Association of The American Association of Ortho- dontists recommends that a child What is the beneﬁ t of early Who usually wants the braces—the Orthodontists recommends all children receive an see an orthodontist by the age of sev- intervention? parent or the patient? orthodontic evaluation by age 7. en. That might seem young, but by Really, it’s about solving small prob- With younger patients, it’s the par- that age, most children have “mixed lems earlier so that you can avoid bigger ents who have concerns, but as the dentition”—a mix of baby and per- problems down the road. Crowding and child gets older, it’s usually the pa- manent teeth. We can generally see limited space cause many orthodontic tient. Either their friends have brac- 440.349.5885 at that early point if things are going problems, and we can make the environ- es, or they’ve started to realize there’s FREE Exam and to go awry, like permanent teeth not ment better as your child’s permanent something they don’t like about the coming in properly and other crowd- teeth come in. It might mean treatment way they look. Fixing those issues Consultation ing and spacing issues. If nothing else, as limited as an expander or a few braces with braces can positively impact an early consult establishes a good in the ﬁ rst phase, but early intervention self-esteem. www.solonorthodontics.com YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 45 ASK THE DOCTOR

“Be proactive rather than reactive. It’s much better to identify problems earlier than later. Even six months can make a big difference.”

What are the big concerns ant they are in wearing rub- Invisalign or clear ceramic lenging and time consum- that teen patients have? ber bands and retainers. I braces. ing, but really rewarding to Most teens don’t love the don’t really think it’s effec- solve those problems and idea of getting braces, but tive to be stern or lecture What’s the most see how grateful and hap- they’re willing to do it. them, but it really helps challenging set of teeth py the patients are with the They really want to know if I explain how it works you ever treated? results. about how long they’ll have so that they can under- We had a young man who braces, food restrictions, stand why they need to do had all four of his canine What’s one piece of advice and discomfort. The aver- what I ask of them. teeth come in sideways. I’ve would you give parents? age treatment time is be- seen kids with extra teeth Be proactive rather than re- tween 18-24 months, with Are there cosmetic options that completely block their active. It’s much better to a 6-month window on ei- for teens? front permanent teeth. identify problems earlier ther end depending on how There are a number of dif- We see kids with impact- than later. Even six months quickly things move. The ferent options for teens ed teeth that can’t descend can make a big difference. length of treatment varies who don’t want the stan- properly. From a treatment depending on how compli- dard metal brackets, like perspective, it’s very chal- —Interview by Jane Parent

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ummer’s just a couple months away, pology,’” explains Heller Adler. “So they And teenagers, not parents, should and chances are your teenager is take a class online or at a local college. decide what those things are. “The trick Splanning to take it easy. And he To me that’s very compelling.” is for teenagers to be authentic, and should...but not too much. That’s be- It can also be working a part- or full- that’s the hard part for parents to un- # cause summer is the perfect time for time summer job. That’s Heller Adler’s derstand,” explains Heller Adler. “You PUBLIC UNIVERSITY your teenager to pursue those non-aca- favorite option. don’t get brownie points for doing sci- IN NORTHERN OHIO demic activities that many colleges like Indeed, admissions staffers routinely ence versus doing English.” to see in their applicants. say they like applicants who have paid In fact, pushing your teenager into Not every college cares, of course. But work experience (and most applications a summer activity just to impress a col- selective colleges will be looking to see ask for it speciﬁ cally). lege can backfire, as it will not come 1— U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT whether your teenager used time outside “Working is a great enhancement for across as authentic no matter how hard the classroom productively. anybody,” says Cecilia A. Castellano, di- your teenager tries to make it seem so. The good news: there is no right or rector of admissions for Bowling Green “If your teenager prefers English, wrong activity. And you don’t need to State University. “It builds character in a then finding cool opportunities in spend a lot of money. different way than going to school.” English will make him happy,” notes “Colleges are not looking for fancy or But, Castellano adds, there is no Heller Adler. And those kinds of teenag- expensive programs,” says Mandee Heller checklist for the “perfect” summer in ers are able to write passionately—and Adler, founder of Hollywood, Florida- terms of giving your teenager an edge in authentically—about their experiences based International College Consultants. the admissions process. in their applications. “They are looking for activities where “It’s not that you have to do X, Y, and Last, be sure to build some downtime www.bgsu.edu teenagers can explore their interests.” Z over the summer,” she explains. “I have into your teenager’s summer—and not That could be improving a skill— a high school senior who didn’t have a just to allow her to recharge for the com- like a sport or instrument—volunteer- lot of opportunity for volunteering during academic year. ing, taking a class, or even digging into ing the academic year, so she went on “These are the last few summers be- a particular subject area. mission trips during the summer. But fore your teenager goes to college,” says “Maybe your teenager says, ‘I’m in- that’s not right for everybody. You have Heller Adler. “Why not carve out some terested in anthropology, but I don’t to look at it holistically. You want to do time to be together as a family and know very much about it. I’m going to things you enjoy that are going to round have experiences you might never have spend my summer exploring anthro- out your experience.” again.” n

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 49

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50 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 TWEEN TALK

Should I Call the Mean Girl’s Mom? By Michelle Icard

ears ago, my kids and I were spending a summer afternoon at our neighborhood pool. You Y can probably picture this familiar scene: children laughing and running, lifeguards blowing whistles, clusters of parents chatting—and me desperately trying to read a few pages of a book between breaking crises ranging from “I’m starving! Can I buy an Airhead?” to “I need you to watch me make every letter of the alphabet when I dive. Make sure you’re watching every one!” I just wanted to read my book. My nine-year-old daughter inter- rupted one more time to tell me she was bored. “I don’t have anyone to play with,” she said. “Play with Anna,” I said. “Or Amelia. They’re right there.” “They don’t want to play with me,” she explained. Not broody, just matter-of-fact. These girls had played together before. I’d had Anna over at our house plenty of times. Recently. “Amelia is chasing me around and telling everyone I’m the devil. There’s no one here to play with now.” I instantly closed my book, sat up, and scanned the pool for Amelia and Anna, ﬁnding them cuddled together in one towel on a single chair. Filled with shock that these girls I knew and liked could be so mean, I did what I

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 51 TWEEN TALK

had never done before. I walked di- ter, would be extra sweet to my daughter isn’t going to change because her mom rectly over to them. I asked just Anna the next few times we saw her, would force catches her. She will only get craftier. to come with me a few steps away. Was her daughter to apologize (mortifying My discovery of Amelia’s character was Amelia telling everyone that my girl mine in the process or forcing my daughter the terrible truth, but here’s the wonder- was the devil and not to play with her? to acquiesce and accept), would hear her ful truth. I didn’t need Amelia or her mom I fully expected her answer to be no. daughter’s side of the story with growing to make my daughter feel better. I didn’t She nodded. acceptance, would label me over-protec- even need the truth from Anna, and if I Well. There it was. A terrible truth. tive—or my daughter over-sensitive—and had it to do over again, I’d have left her What to do with it? would then forget about the entire inci- out of it. Instead of looking to outsiders to Nearby sat Amelia’s mom, a woman dent. It was an outcome I didn’t like at all. validate my daughter, we talked through I didn’t know well but thought I liked, I decided to sit with my feelings in search things she could do herself to feel bet- chatting with a friend. In that moment, of a better resolution. For a few days, I ter. As she listed all the things that would I wanted her to know how horribly her stewed, battling with myself over the right help—from inviting other friends to join daughter was behaving. I wanted her amount to intervene. Should I call the oth- us at the pool to telling Amelia with con- to make my daughter’s pain go away. I er mom? Is it too late? I already felt some fidence to stop talking about her—she wanted her to no longer be allowed to guilt for even marginally involving Anna. emerged from this incident with the sit there so happily while my daughter I recalled a former teacher’s guid- knowledge that she could handle her- and I left the pool. ance on “tattling.” If you’re trying to get self when other people are mean. In the None of these feelings had any hope of someone else in trouble, you’re tattling. long run, teaching this kind of self-care is making my daughter feel better. If you’re trying to keep someone out of much more effective than tattling. n Most of all, I wanted my daughter to trouble, you’re telling. I wasn’t trying have someone kind to play with at the to help Amelia and frankly, wasn’t in a Michelle Icard is the author of Middle School Makeover: Improving The Way You and Your pool. position to help her. Perhaps I could Child Experience The Middle School Years. I imagined what I thought this mom’s have convinced myself that telling her Learn more about Michelle’s work at her website reaction might be: She would be embar- mom would teach her right from wrong, MichelleintheMiddle.com rassed, would vow to talk with her daugh- but the reality is that a girl like Amelia

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YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 53 HOT TOPICS

Where is Desperate Housewives’ James Denton? If you’re a fan of Hallmark’s The Good Witch, then we’ve got a treat for you. James Denton, who joins the series this season, talks with Your Teen about acting, raising adolescents, and picking roles after Desperate Housewives.

Were you into acting as a teenager? When I was growing up, I was kind of a jock—a basketball player. And then I realized that I wasn’t that great, and I wasn’t going to make any money as an athlete. So I did sales for six years and stumbled into acting after college when a friend suggested I join a community theater.

How does it feel to play the parent of a teenager? It’s funny. You kind of avoid playing parents for as

54 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 Where is

Desperate long as you can; once you start play- Will you let your son act professionally? A lot of parents grapple with technology. ing a dad, then you’re playing a dad We’ll have to see what he wants as he What works for you? Housewives’ for the rest of your life. My television gets older, but we certainly won’t en- We’re pretty hard lined on video son, Nick, is a teenager: 15 and always courage any kind of professional acting games. No games at all. I know that’s bucking authority. We’re in a tough until he’s an adult. tough, but they play them at their James stage in our relationship. That’s not friends’ houses. It can really take over, the case with my children, who are po- What’s worked for you as a parent? and instead of trying to block out time Denton? lite and kind and just a lot of fun. My wife and I never, ever contradict for it, we said, “We’re not going to do each other. We always form a unit- video games at home, but you can play You’re raising your children in Minneapolis. ed front no matter what, and then them at your friends' houses.” Why? we work it out later. When you start My wife is from Minneapolis, and all contradicting each other in front How about cell phones? her family is there. We decided being of the kids, there’s no coming back. There’s one phone that they share at with family would be better for our kids, They can see the weakness. They the house. If they’re going to a ball- and it really has been. They are growing know they can play you against each game, or a sleepover, they can take it up with cousins and grandparents. other. I also pick my battles. I rarely with them and call us. We’re starting raise my voice, so when I do, it gets to leave them at home alone during the What’s it like commuting back and forth their attention. I think that helps. I day, now that they’re 9 and 11. We want to Canada for filming? try really, really hard not to fight the to make sure they have a phone there. I go home every weekend, which makes petty battles. When you feel like it’s We don’t have a landline. We’re going this doable. I couldn’t come up here for important, make sure they hear you. as slowly as we can with the technol- four months and not go home every That comes from my dad. My dad al- ogy, which is hard. It’s a great time to weekend. That’s not the way we want to most never yelled. So, when he did, it raise kids, but technology can make it raise our children. I want to be around was effective. tough in some ways. So, we’re trying to as much as I can. transition as slowly as we can. Are there other areas in which you find Do your children (ages 9 and 11) enjoy yourself emulating your parents? Your recent roles are so different than acting? We’re certainly trying to use the stuff Desperate Housewives. My son loves it. He’s really talented. that we think was good, but in the 60s Yes, it’s fun to do work that my kids My wife has a master’s from New York and 70s, there was a distance between can actually watch. I did a great mov- University in acting. She’s a much bet- parents and kids. Even our mothers, ie called, Girl’s Best Friend, about a girl ter actor than I am. She’s a singer, and who were very loving, still had sort of and a dog. My daughter just loved that my son inherited that. He’s got a fan- a distance. You don’t want to be your movie. I loved the people involved with tastic voice. He is shy, so we sort of kid’s best friend, but showing them it, and I thought, “You know what? It’s forced him to audition for a musical some vulnerability gains their trust. a pretty fun choice.” Recently, for what- in middle school. He was the new kid You have to be able to tell them you love ever reason, I have done a lot of faith- in school, and we thought it might put them. My dad never told me he loved based, family-oriented films, and it has him on the map. It did, and he loves it. me. Never. My mom didn’t until we been a lot of fun. My kids are loving it. n I don't know if my daughter will get were grown and out of the house. We the bug or not. She also has a great don’t hesitate at our house to tell each —Interview by Susan Borison & Kaitlin Coyle voice, but she doesn't know it yet. other how we feel.

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 55 8/4/2014

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56 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 SMALL STUFF

Turn O the Lights! It’s such a simple request, but no one can remember to do it. How can we get teens on board with this bright idea?

By Samantha Zabell

o matter how have a lot of light, especially For 19-year-old Rhode money isn't magic, that we many times you when it’s dark out,” says the Island native Julia Soscia, work hard to earn it.” remind your teen- teenager. “That’s why I al- turning off lights was “actu- If you’re ready to make a Nager, your house ways forget.” ally the biggest deal” to her change in your household, continues to light up like a But while it’s adorable to dad, and she had to run up consider a point system: glow stick, with every switch think of your fully-grown, her driveway many times to Every time the light is left on, left on. To you, it’s intuitive: sometimes argumentative turn them off. Does that scene your teenager gains a point. When you leave a room, you teenager as secretly still afraid sound familiar? If that’s your Once he hits five points, he turn off the light. To your of the dark, your electric bill teen, rest easy. loses time from his curfew teenager, not so much. makes it less so. “One day, he showed us or some other privilege he Meanwhile, what if it’s ac- How can we get teenagers our electric bill, and it was enjoys. tually sort of your fault? to hear us, when nagging (sur- absurd,” she remembers. And it can work for other “It’s always been a safe- prise!) doesn’t do the trick? “Now, at school, I always turn things too, like never closing ty point for children,” says Since teens crave responsi- the lights off when I leave our the garage door or leaving Sharon Silver, parent educa- bility, Silver suggests setting up dorm room. It’s become my laundry in the washing ma- tor and founder of Proactive a family meeting to take a look pet peeve.” chine or forgetting dishes in Parenting. “They had night at the electric bill. Even if they “Parents do their kids a the sink or ... whatever habit lights when they were little, can’t quite grasp the cost, they disservice when they think you’d like to put a stop to. and we turned off the lights understand the respect you’re kids won’t understand that “Be prepared for a major for them when they were tod- showing by sharing such a things like electricity costs upheaval,” says Silver. “Their dlers. Light brings warmth, “grown up” concept with them. real money,” says Denise reaction tells you it made an and connection, and safety.” “You crack the door just a little Schipani, mom of two and impact, and then habits will That sounds about right bit and share with them the author of Mean Moms Rule. start to change.” n to Isaac Cadesky. “I like to adult world,” says Silver. “They should know that

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 57 TEEN VOLUNTEERS: Enriching Lives MONTESSORIMONTESSORI HIGH SCHOOL – AT UNIVERSITY CIRCLE –

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58 YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 SNAPSHOT

Letters from Dad By Nathaniel A. Turner

ne afternoon in was going to make sure that writing him has been con- Not only is my son’s spir- 1998, my two- he received mail. I bought sistent. I profess my abso- it alive, but he also knows year-old son, enough cards to send inter- lute undying love for him. and appreciates the power ONaeem, accom- mittently for several days. I share some nugget of wis- of words. He assured me panied me to the mailbox. As Although I selected a variety dom. I search for words that of this while taking an ac- I collected the mail, Naeem of cards, none of them real- will increase his vocabulary. ademic sabbatical to play uttered words that would ly expressed my feelings for I encourage him to improve soccer in Brazil. He con - change our lives forever: him. So rather than just sign- each day, and I challenge him fessed that he often re-read “Daddy, where is my mail?" ing the cards, “Love, Dad," I to continue dreaming of ways the letters. He contends Giving little immediate took the time and embraced that he can impact the world. that the letters made being consideration to the power the opportunity to write While the formula is not away from home manage- of that question, I simply re- something personal to him. much different, the letters able, kept him focused on plied, “Naeem, I can prom- I told him how proud I have transformed both of his aspirations, provided a ise you, I don’t even want my was of him. I expressed how us. In situations where I greater appreciation for his mail." Self-employed after blessed I was to be his father. was not able to communi- upbringing, and spurred finishing two graduate pro- I shared with him the enor- cate with him effectively him to write a journal. grams, I found walking to mous relevance and value he because of anger, frustra- What began as a father- the mailbox to be generally brought to my life. Writing to tion, joy, or excitement, the son walk to the mailbox has depressing. Yet regardless of him made me take notice that letters provided a medi- morphed into lasting and my disposition, my son (who my life had and would forever um for efficient communi- cherished memories. n is not one to give up), persist- be changed by his presence. cation. Writing provided ed in his “Where is my mail?” Pondering what to write a chance to contemplate Nathaniel A. Turner, J.D. holds line of questioning. and then watching the words what I wanted to say with- degrees in Accounting, Theology, History, and Law. He currently That day, I experienced the appear on the cards high- out the miscommunication works in the ﬁnancial services power of a persistent child. lighted the enormous re- that facial expressions and industry, but his most important Persistence is said to wear sponsibility I owed him. It voice inflection can cause. job has always been fatherhood. down resistance. Persistence was my duty to make sure he Writing to my son made me Nathaniel and his son, Naeem, also wears down fathers. reached his full potential. excruciatingly aware of the live in Indianapolis, IN. Some of That same evening, I went Over the years, the letters power of words and their Turner’s letters have been published to the neighborhood Target. to my son have not changed ability to elevate or damage in the book Raising Supaman. My son wanted mail, so I very much. The formula for the spirit of a child.

YOUR TEEN | MARCHAPRIL 2015 59 ALL ABOUT ME

Must it always be about them? All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—ﬁnally.

I’ll Miss Him, I’ll Miss Him Not

By Stephanie Schaeer Silverman

For years, I have been nagging my base- “Yeah, I know—it just puts a lot on you I am really sore and really tired, but ball-loving husband to attend Indians with the kids, work, etc.” having a ball. Fantasy Camp. It’s a week of baseball coached by a major leaguer, featuring “Honey, it’s FINE, ” I said, playing my I wanted to text back: daily doubleheaders, playing with the usual role of supportive wife. Truth be pros, video highlights of each day, a lock- told, I pictured having both of the pil- I’m not either of those things. er filled with personalized jerseys—the lows and adjusting the thermostat to list goes on. It’s the man cave, on turf. my liking. Dreamy. That’s when I realized they really should be marketing this camp to That fantasy finally happened last “Yeah, I guess.” the wives. It might be the ultimate week. It wasn’t for chumps. “You have two-for-one. to be ready to play,” my husband said. I smiled at him and grabbed his hand. The month before, I watched the items He smiled back. I smiled because that I couldn’t help but think of Fantasy coming to the house—new baseball meant no snoring for a week (besides Island, that late 1970s TV show. I bat, new glove, new cleats. There were mine, but that doesn’t keep me awake). and millions of others [as old as me] practices, workouts, emails (OMG— Why is he smiling? watched as week after week Mr. Rourke the daily emails). The real fantasy was fulfilled the fantasies of random people: getting to be “the player” again instead **** “My dear guests, I am Mr. Rourke, your of the coach. “Coaching is great, but it’s host. Welcome to Fantasy Island.” (Did not playing,” he clarified. I was so excit- The first text: he sound like The Count from Sesame ed for him to have this experience—he’s Street, or have I misremembered that?) a great guy, and he deserves it. Check out my locker (with a pic). Sometimes even couples shared a fantasy. Really—what couple SHARES a And that’s when it hit me. I wanted to text back: fantasy? I remember thinking: “What marriage could survive that?” Seven nights of Fantasy Camp meant I read all of my books. seven nights of the bed. All. To. Myself. Through their fantasies, Mr. Rourke The second text: tried to teach his guests critical life les- Pinch me. sons, but he often hinted that the fan- I pitched a whole game, got a triple, and tasy wouldn’t turn out quite how they “I feel like it’s a long time to be away,” he walked. envisioned. said as we drove to the airport. I wanted to text back: Not this time, Mr. Rourke. Shared fan- “Honey, it’s going to be GREAT. You tasies really do come true. n can actually disengage from work, get Check out my eyes—no bags (with pic out of your head, and just enjoy.” I saw of course). all of my books on my nightstand actually getting read. The third text:

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