I'd Tell You to Wash Your Hands, but Why Bother? It's Too Late. Might As Well Pop a Multi-Vitamin and Leave It up to The

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volume 6 - issue 10 - tuesday, november 10, 2009 - uvm, burlington, vt

danielle berg

by leamclellan your snot-head, cans of soup, get Hulu only to wake up drenched in your mouth- t’s on the door you just held open sick can actually be fun! (Not really.) The bookmarked, a slinky, solitaire, Tickle Me breather drool. You could wallow in for that girl. It’s on the rim of that trick is to anticipate the sick. Sad as it is, Elmo, tea bags, more tissues, vitamin C self-pity and drink your sorrows away beer pong cup you chugged Satur- your roommate isn’t your mommy. Un- injections…you get the idea. Store these with OJ. day night. It’s in those three wet less you have a truly dedicated friend or things within arm’s length of your bed. Don’t do it. Like I said, there are lots of coughs on the back of your head significant other, no one is going to bring Get a little fridge and microwave setup in fun times to be had while you’re sick (still a in your 300-person Geology lecture. you chicken noodle soup and saltines, there, too. You are not going to want to lie)! You can finally do all those things you It’s in that little tickle you feel in wish you could do during your regular your throat with every swallow. week without feeling like a lazy waste of Everyone is sick. Look over there. See life. You know, like browsing your widget that guy sucking the snot back up into I’d tell you to wash your hands, but options for two hours straight. Did you his nose and wiping the remnants on his know there’s a widget that can tell you clammy booger hand? Sick. Hear that why bother? It’s too late. Might as when your underwear needs washing? phlegmy sneeze? Hear that raspy cough There’s also one where a young John Tra- off in the not-so-distant distance? Sick. well pop a multi-vitamin and leave volta shakes his booty. Download these. See that laughing, carefree girl with the While you’re at it, you can download healthy glow rubbing elbows with coldy and change all your icons to little fun, and flu-face? She’s got “carrier” written all it up to the Immune System Gods. seasonally relevant shapes like pilgrim over her. hats and pumpkin pies. By the end of I’d tell you to wash your hands, but your sickness, you will have the best desk- why bother? It’s too late. Might as well pop in your favorite DVDs, or gently gage get up. And why should you move? You’re top. Ever. Another extremely entertaining pop a multi-vitamin and leave it up to the temperature of your forehead with the sick! Channeling our colonial friends Internet option is to peruse street view the Immune System Gods. Accept the in- back of their cool, loving hand. and bringing back the chamber pot is option on Google Earth. When you’re evitable: you’re gonna get sick. How sick So be your own cool, loving hand! optional. No judgment here. healthy, this activity can grant you stalker are we talking here? Swine sick? Sniffles Err… anyway, you can take steps while Once you have your little sick sanctu- status. When you have the Swine, staring sick? I can’t tell you. But I do know that you’re still healthy to make your impend- ary all set, well, that’s when the real fun at all your acquaintances’ front doors it’s best to be prepared for whatever strain ing sickness the best sick you’ve ever had. begins! Sure you could be boring and and mailboxes and figuring out their car of rhinovirus, H1N1, influenza grossness Preparation is key. Have a stash of the predictable about it all. You could build makes and models isn’t weird at all. that’s coming your way. And believe me, necessities: sleeves (and sleeves) of crack- your sad little pile of mucus-filled tissues guys and gals, it’s a-comin’. ers, ginger ale, orange juice, Emergen-C, by your head. You could watch movies continued as sick on page 2 Don’t feel bad. Don’t be scared. Being tissues, DVDs, fluffy pillows to prop up online and fall asleep half-way through, news reflections créatif stuffé advertise for your club or organization with the gop is cool an interview with ode to redstone the water tower. we’re with rape? the garden state condom cheaper than the other guys. by katedonnelly by gregfrancese by alyssabicknell [email protected] we don’t know why owen with macsmith doesn’t like the thought The House-The House of Representatives recently passed a healthcare reform bill by a vote of 220-215. This bill is historic—not because it’s the first time we’ve almost attempted making healthcare more affordable, but because it’s the government’s biggest -ef of mr. limbaugh fort to bring us one step closer to becoming crack smoking Nazi Marxist Osama sodomists. cumming... NYC Metro Transit Authority-For shits and giggles, someone decided to race the M42, Manhattan’s slowest bus, from river to With regards to the Rush Limbaugh river along 42nd street. Guess what? The guy won…on a tricycle. reference in Kate Donnelly’s “Closing Gitmo ... eventually,” thanks. I really Stephen Tyler-It has been reported that the lead singer of Aerosmith is on the verge of leaving the band in favor of pursuing his needed that image. “solo career,” which I can only imagine is impersonating old lesbians. That is all. Scientology-As part of the Church’s brainwashing, I mean, training exercises, new members are forced to watch videos of Tom -Owen Cruise. If anyone objects, he or she is then forced to watch videos of John Travolta. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and Toyota Prius-Businessweek decided to include the Toyota Prius as one of the “50 ugliest cars in the last 50 years,” which prompts fight the power. But most of the time, they me to add Businessweek to my own list of “duh.” just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to thewatertowernews @gmail.com continued from page 1 encouraged. Eventually you are going to with michaelcieslak want to move around a little. I don’t mean the water tower. getting out of bed. Don’t get up. The lying uvm’s alternative newsmag We had a rather fun week in sports. First off, congratulations to theYankees for uvm.edu/~watertwr in bed position isn’t completely limiting. their 27th World Series. It only cost them $210 million. Swine has hit pro sports. David If you feel a little athletic, then put that Krejci of the Boston Bruins has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, which is terrible ______Editorial Staff booger tissue pile to use. Play a one-man timing as the Bruins continue to suck ass. Tim Lincecum, the 2008 Cy Young Award game of Snot HORSE or a little Around Editors-in-Chief winner, received a marijuana citation this past week. He was in possession of 3.3 grams Max Bookman the World with your trash can (There’s no such and a pipe. The most surprising part of this was that he was pulled over in bumfuck Lea McLellan thing as one-man HORSE or Around the World)! This is Washington where I thought they had no cops. Manu Ginobili can add another skill also a prime time to work out your com- News Editor to his already impressive dossier of skills, pest removal. During a break in action dur- monly ignored Abductor Digiti Minimi Paul Gross ing their game, he snatched a bat out of mid air and slammed it to the ground, kill- muscle, also known as your pinky. ing it. Rightfully so, PETA was outraged and compared him to Michael Vick. Which Finally, don’t forget to pamper your- Reflections Editor makes sense because a 4-ounce bat definitely equals a couple thousand dogs. A woman Molly Kelly-Yahner self. You deserve it! Rub those lotion-y went psycho in a BYU-New Mexico Women’s soccer game. Elizabeth Lambert was a tissues all over your face—mmm feels punching, hair pulling, slide tackling maniac. New Mexico’s VP for athletics said in a Créatif Stuffé Editor good, doesn’t it? Drink Robitussin out of Alex Townsend statement that her actions were “completely inappropriate.” In her defense, she was ob- a shot glass, or make a tasty Cranberry- viously on her period. Vermont Men’s Hockey tied UMass-Lowell; they are now 2-3-1 Alka-Seltzer-Tini and pretend you’re at a Humor Editor overall and 1-2-1 in Hockey East. The Women’s team has hit a skid, losing 4 straight fancy party with your friends. Mac Smith after a 4-1 start. They are now 4-5-0.Men’s and Women’s basketball have both opened Do what you need to do to make your up their pre-seasons with big wins. Both of their regular seasons start Friday. g Managing Editor flu…a happy flu. Alex Pinto Copy Editors Amy Goodnough Jen Kaulius Online Editor with paulgross Anthony Sweet ______Staff Writers Jelena Aleksich “I have never witnessed a scene like this.” Emily Arnow -Brazilian undertaker Natanael Horonato on a bizarre case of mistaken identity whereby a bricklayer named Ademir Jorge Gon- Juliet Critsimilios Greg Francese calves arrived at his own funeral. Mr. Goncalves was identified as the victim of a recent large car crash, but as it turns out, he actu- Josh Hegarty ally spent the night drinking at a bar near the crash site. Upon hearing that his own funeral was being held, he decided to show up, Emily Hoogesteger prompting some of his relatives to try to jump out the window. Henry Kellogg Colby Nixon “In retrospect, I’m not Gina Mastrogiacomo “The visit has nothing to do suprised he did it.” “I thank the President for his Olivia Nguyen with politics.” tremendous leadership.” Bridget Treco -Army psychiatrist, Val Finnell, on Major ______Art Staff -A senior aid to the Dalai Lama, who Nidal Malik Hasan, another army psy- -Nancy Pelosi, on the House’s FINALLY Art Editor recently made a highly controversial visit chiatrist who recently went on a shooting passing a health care bill (and expect- Kelly MacIntyre to Arunachal Pradesh, a province very rampage at Texas’s Fort Hood, killing 13 ing the Senate to follow suit). The vote close to the Tibetan border. The Dalai people. Major Hasan was scheduled to be was incredibly close with 219 Demo- Staff Artists Lama has been in exile from Tibet by the Aaron Lopez-Barrantes deployed to Afghanistan very soon, and crats and 1 Republican voting in favor Vanessa Denino hand of the modern Chinese government supposedly was increasingly unhappy and 176 Republicans and 39 Democrats Victoria Reed for several decades. China produced a about his deployment and was making voting against, for a final count of 220- Emily Schwartz load of bullshit about how his visit would “anti-American rants” to his fellow sol- 215. Sadly, the bill basically only passed Anna Spiedel upset Hindus and thus damage relations diers. Somehow, this didn’t tip off officials because it includes an amendment that Loren Teetelli with India, but the thousands of adoring that he might be a danger. No fucking prohibits government funding of abor- Danielle Vogl admirers who arrived to hear the teach- wonder we can’t win wars. tion. It’s funny how abortion rights get ings of the Buddhist leader and symbol of thrown under the rug EVERY time policy Layout Staff international peace indicates something a needs to get passed; still it’s pretty good Megan Kelley “Tonight, he was huge.” ______Publicity Staff little different. -The Yankees managerJoe Girardi, on work that the bill got through. Megan Liamos Hideki Matsui, who carried the Yankees Carly Schwer to World Series victory… What else is ______Special Thanks To UVM Art Department Digital Lab new?

the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. As we walk through a world ever connected Letters to the editor/ B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists to a thunderstorm of news and reflection, we risk losing the ability to think for General email Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome ourselves. the water tower is for us non-thinkers. We provide witty and sometimes [email protected] Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings outlandish opinions so that you don’t have to come up with them yourselves. We can’t Editors-in-Chief: L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:00pm promise that you will agree with everything that we say, but you will respect the te- [email protected] Mill Annex - Main Lobby SGA and Student Orgs. Office nacity we have to say it. Every once in a while we will generate something that is truly Advertising: Redstone Campus - Simpson Hall Davis Center - 3rd Floor thought provoking. We are the reason people can’t wait for Tuesday. [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Or send us an email We are the water tower. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr by briancoffill by emilyhoogesteger by ginamastrogiacomo I know that it’s after Halloween, but I Could gnawing your way through a Happy Meal to the My Little Pony prize at the hope everyone isn’t done being scared. I It’s been a year since the election – bottom be the global warming equivalent of driving your Hummer through that same have some bad news – Sarah Palin isn’t where are my rainbows and butterflies drive-through window? According to a news article in the London Times, it is. going anywhere. I’m sure the awareness of and peace on Earth? Lord Stern of Brentford, author of the 2006 Stern Review, which addresses the costs her new book Going Rogue: An American Unless you’ve been living in solitary of managing global warming, said in an interview with the Times that “meat is a waste- Life (have you pre-ordered yours?) is confinement under a rock in a distant ful use of water and creates a lot of greenhouse gases. It puts enormous pressure on the fairly high, but the possibility of a book galaxy, you remember that on November world’s resources. A vegetarian diet is better.” tour should be the least of our problems. 4th, 2008, Barack Obama was elected This Lord Stern basically laid down the gauntlet for President Obama to attend the She’s also been publicly fighting Levi president of the United States. All across Copenhagen meeting personally in order to better deal with the problem. Johnston, the father of her grandson Trig, the country, his hopeful supporters Recent UN figures seem to support his claims that veg is better. They claim that who has Down Syndrome. He claims that changed, hopefully, from supporters of a 18 percent of global carbon emissions, including deforestation for land for cattle and Palin called Trig her “retarded baby.” presidential hopeful to hopeful members animal feed, is due to meat production. A recent CNN/Opinion Research poll of a hope-and-change-ified nation. And Actually, the report specifically mentions soy as one of those “feed products” which claims that 52% of Republicans feel that man, were we ever hopeful. Despite the would definitely be a vegan diet staple, meaning that you could be blaming vegans, and Palin is qualified to be president. Palin, fact that the economy was nosediving not meat eaters, for that deforestation. who has already shown interest in a 2012 and no one had any money, we filled our Which leads me to the problem - this argument seems simplistic, dismissive, and run, could be joined in the field by Mitt houses with commemorative “Election alienating of a lot of different eaters. I’m a vegetarian myself, but there are a lot of con- Romney and Mike Huckabee, two gems 2008” coin sets, HOPE t-shirts, copies scientious meat eaters and raisers out there who don’t effect the environment in this from last year, and former House Speaker of Obama’s victory speech (printed on way, and this statement doesn’t include them. Yes, raising animals in crowded condi- Newt Gingrich. I thought this was inter- keepsake vaguely antique-looking paper), tions, like on factory farms where they are crowded together in their own feces, which esting - the poll itself, not the numbers. and everything from picture frames to are then stored in veritable waste lagoons, is not environmentally sound, and certainly Why are the Republicans, the press, and beach towels inscribed with the words emits a significant amount of greenhouse gases. These animals aren’t grass-fed and the pollsters interested in 2012? Clearly, “Yes We Can”. It was a national shopping allowed to roam on farms in a traditional manner. Free-rangeatarians and localvore they should be focused on the 2010 con- spree that would have made bank execu- eaters are certainly probably more environmentally friendly as far as their diets are gressional midterms and the possibility of tives proud, had they been around to see concerned than a lot of vegetarians, so it seems unreasonable to jump to that conclu- picking up a good number of seats. it instead of running off to the Caribbean sion. Most agriculture related businesses have carbon dioxide as their main emission, which comes from the burning of fuel to operate farm equipment. Most tropical deforestation for this purpose occurred during the 1990’s in Brazillian countries and caused nearly 15 to 35 percent of the fossil fuel emissions that are currently kicking our global keesters. What’s being harvested over in good old Brazil is soy. Meat and dairy consumers aren’t the ones that are going to be gobbling this protein – the vegans and vegetarians are. But it’s hard to avoid, as the Organic Consumers Association indicates that Brazil- “Obama stopped lian soy is the most widely used in soymilk and tofu bought and distributed through- “Cheney is out the United States. being the answer to Traditional farmers are keeping their animals outdoors, so farm equipment emis- just as bad, sions aren’t an issue. Reducing your contribution to the production of carbon monox- all our problems and ide is as simple as not contributing to products that are industrially produced. but he looks like Then there’s the issue of methane gas – the second largest contender. Animals live Einstein next to started being in literal lagoons of their own waste, and what makes up their waste is the problem. Experts have shown that by changing the animals’ diets, we could drastically reduce Palin.“ president.“ methane gas emission. According to the University of New England in Australia, simple ideas like adding nutrient-laden salt licks to stalls and changing cattle regularly But again, Palin somehow weasels her with their private jets. Then, after just a into fresh pastures could potentially reduce methane emissions. way into talks about the midterms, too. few final months of triumphant Bush-hat- But normal, everyday farming where animals are allowed to roam and graze can You see, the closest race is a three-way ing, January 20th rolled around and we actually be a benefit to the environment. In fact, cattle grazing that is well timed can contest in New York’s 23rd congressional sat with our eyes glued to the TV screen actually increase vegetation up to 45 percent and is actually needed in order for prarie district, which is right across Lake Cham- and our wallets open, ready to purchase a ecosystems to properly thrive. Pastures and grassy areas can actually help reduce global plain. You have your Republican and your copy of “Obama: The Inaugural Address” warming by acting as a veritable sink for carbon emissions by reducing erosion. Democrat as usual, but a third candidate right out of the hand of the person un- The point of the matter is that it’s impossible to avoid negative impact on our global is running under the Conservative Party packing them at Barnes and Noble. warming phenomonon, no matter what kind of eating practices you employ, and con- of New York label. Now, the Conserva- That was when Obama stopped being demning those who choose to eat meat as a way of trying to make an environmental tive Party of New York tends to be further the answer to all of our problems and impact seems pretty misleading for a respectable news publication. right of the Republicans. Can you guess started being president. It started when While it does make sense to make a cutback on animal products because it takes who endorsed the Conservative Party closing Guantanamo Bay turned out to be more to have them produced and shipped, as opposed to something that is home or lo- candidate in New York’s 23rd district? harder than it sounded (What? You don’t cally grown, there are certianly beneficial points to raising and yes, even eating, meat as You said it, our girl Sarah did. Apparently want people accused of terrorism moving well. (And this from one who doesn’t eat them – natch.) It’s about more than just meat the candidate, Doug Hoffman, said he in to your backyard?) and ending Don’t eaters versus non-meat eaters. It’s about how far your food has travelled and into what felt “overwhelmed” by her endorsement. Ask, Don’t Tell turned into talking about it’s being made. Essentially, it’s about conscious eating – literally waking up to what’s What a tool. Does he remember what she ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Disenchant- going into our mouths. Easier said than done, most definitely.g did for John McCain? And speaking of ment spread like Swine Flu, and soon, the Arizona senator, forget Vietnam, cam- even Obama’s most hardcore supporters paign finance reform, or anything good were exhibiting symptoms, including that has ever come out of John McCain’s the return of eye-rolling and the phrase wrinkly, old body. He should be remem- “Ugh, politics,” watching Dancing With bered as the guy who brought this loony, The Stars instead of CNN, and using col- kindergarten-educated woman from lectable Obama “Victory” plates to serve Alaska to the American political stage. spaghetti. Over the summer, the epidemic Why isn’t she gone? Dick Cheney is worsened. Health care turned Congress by katedonnelly just as bad, bickering with Barack Obama in to a bickering mess, wars dragged on In 2005, nineteen-year-old Jamie Liegh Jones was working in Iraq as a Halliburton/ over his policies on Afghanistan, but he in Iraq and Afghanistan, and we watched KBR employee. The position was a huge promotion for her. Jones had no idea that her looks like Einstein next to Palin. With Chicago lose the Olympics while our biggest enemy overseas would be her fellow KBR employees, not Iraqi insurgents. these two taking the stage for now, I kind president was awarded a Nobel Peace Jones dealt with sexual harassment on the job, being surrounded by 400 horny of miss the happy-go-lucky antics of Prize for effort. Ten months, one Supreme American men, in the shit show that is Iraq. It was only the fourth night on the job in George W. Bush. Bring him back. I even Court Justice, one G20 summit and many, which Jones was roofied and violently gang raped by her co-workers. miss the monotone, unexciting robot that many bailouts later, “Yes We Can” has She went to a hospital in the green zone where that doctor preformed a rape kit, is Al Gore. Where’s he been? In case you turned in to “But…You Promised…” including photos and a report. The rape kit was handed over to KBR security personel, didn’t know, Al, global warming is still Then again, things could be worse. A and it is still at large as of today. around. year ago, George W. Bush was president, Then KBR held Jones in a prison-like container to prevent her from reporting the If Palin is elected, we’re all doomed. and he, lest we forget, sometimes had attack. She was threatened that she would be fired if she said anything. Hopefully by the time 2012 rolls around, trouble speaking in complete sentences. Adding insult to injury, Jones could not sue KBR because her employment contract she’ll have found her way back to Alaska The Obama presidency has not brought had fine print that said sexual assault allegations would not be heard in private arbitra- where she can hunt Russians or eat cari- world peace, equality for all mankind, tion. Halliburton has billions of dollars in government contracts for work in Iraq. The bou brains or do whatever it is she does. solved global warming, or cured can- sketchy corporation, formerly run by former Vice President Dick Cheney, has become If not, then it will be certified that the cer – but then again, if we thought that highly politicized and has come under huge fire for fraud, mismanagement, and war Republican Party of today is much, much it would, we were laboring under an profiteering. worse than the GOP of Abraham Lincoln illusion in the first place, so perhaps our This year, former funny-man-turned-state-senator from Minnesota, Al Franken, and Teddy Roosevelt. Even Nixon wasn’t disillusionment isn’t such a bad thing. No proposed a bill that would deny defense contracts to companies that ask employees to that bad if you look past Watergate. amount of HOPE t-shirt wearing or bum- sign away the right to sue. Franken had a political victory and more importantly a vic- President Obama is currently hiding per-sticker displaying is going to solve tory for rape victims everywhere. It was passed 68-30. out. He is doing his best not to screw the world’s problems, and real hope and 30 is high number, though. The issue seemed like a no-brainer. What kind of anything up and keep the status quo so change will only come through a policy of douche bags would side with Halliburton against rape victims? All male Republi- that he won’t lose a large amount of seats realism in a complicated world. g cans, that’s who! These men need to wake up and realize that this is the Senate, not in the midterms. It’s damage control, and high school. If there is one issue that Democrats and Republicans should have some it’s something he probably needs to do. common ground on, it’s rape victims’ rights! The Nay votes seemed like a way to spite But after 2010, he needs to get back on his Franken and his efforts with this bill. Whose interests are these rich white men looking game and make sure that somebody like out for? These 30 Republican senators are so out of touch with America that it is scary. Sarah Palin can never find her way How can Americans try to re-build Iraq and Afganistan when the rights of women are into the Oval Office.g being stomped on at home? g news ticker/mayhem! 13 students jump out of mcauley hall window on sat. night alone/black taco tastes bad without black eye/obama rhymes with no llama, yo momma, panorahma WT EXCLUSIVE:

by gregfrancese by any of us think we are familiar with New “New Jersey’s behavior in the recent gubernatorial melaniekartzmer Jersey because of our love for its famous race is further proof she thinks this is all a joke,” exports like Bruce Springsteen, the raised some controversy among states like Texas, Sopranos, and road rage. Wanting to know more who reportedly called her comments “partisan” Tom Brady: Model hot, 3 champion- and plus- he could provide you all the about this mysteriously angry Eden of Industry, I and “another jealous attempt by raving liberals to ship rings, and guest appearances on En- Chunky Soup you could ever need. sat down with the Garden State and asked it some turn this country into a socialist wasteland.” What tourage. You sure know how to pick ‘em. questions. From this interview, it seems New Jer- do you have to say about these comments? But with Gisele at his side and a baby on Brett Favre: This future Hall-of- sey is more than just the little state that looks like the way, you’ve got some stiff competi- Famer has the longest playing streak and it’s getting gangbanged by New York and Pennsyl- NJ: First of all, D.C.’s always been one to get jeal- tion. You girls are confident go-getters, incredible stats. Plus he looks damn fine vania. ous at this time of year because she can’t have her but sometimes fall for the wrong guys in those Wrangler Jeans commercials. own gubernatorial elections. Second, we got rid who happen to have a pretty face. You Although he’s getting a lot of heat for WT: So, New Jersey, it’s definitely a pleasure to be of Corzine without leaving behind any traces; probably live in some suburb of Boston constantly coming in and out of retire- in your presence, but there’s one thing I need to America wakes up one morning and he’s gone. and stopped watching football when ment, you would be a supportive girl- ask before we get down to business: Would And lastly, I think Texas, a state I can’t Brady was out all last season. friend. Favre is pushing 40, which means you mind taking off those Gucci sunglasses? always agree with, decided to realize you go after the “DILFs” and older men. Eli Manning: The nice boy next door, If you’re planning on moving in with this younger Manning bro has a sexy, him, bundle up. Minnesota winters rival quiet confidence. Superbowl MVP in Vermont’s. You are a devoted Favre fan if 2008, he certainly has proven himself. you’ve followed him from the Packers to You like a man who is a classic gentle- the Jets to the Vikings, but you have zero man and will take care of you. He is cool, team loyalty. This means you may devote calm, and collected, but can take control yourself to relationships, but sometimes when needed. Eli is from a football fam- leave your friends in the dust. ily- with brother Peyton playing for the Colts and father Archie a former quarter- Tony Romo: This “America’s team” back for the Saints. Be prepared to play quarterback has yet to prove himself in football with the family on Thanksgiving the post-season, yet is one of the most and most likely all other holidays. He is well-known quarterbacks in the league. originally from the Midwest, but play- You’re dying for the spotlight and like being in New York will put your life on the ing the center of attention. You may have fast track. Then again, you’re probably some trouble however because his former from NYC or have been there on many girlfriend Jessica Simpson was blamed for occasions, and you can certainly handle Romo’s horrible post-season performance the speed. last season. Most likely, you are a blonde, or blonde at heart, and would love to be Donovan McNabb: Out for 3 weeks Tony’s cowgirl in Dallas. with broken ribs last month, don’t you just wish you were in Philly nursing him So, throw on your favorite jersey and back to health? Most Eagles fans can’t kick back because we still have eight decide if they love him or hate him, but glorious weeks of football plus the great- you’re into the uncertainty because you ness that is post-season. And if your like always doing or trying new things. hunk isn’t looking great, or can’t seem to Donovan is always smiling and having throw that spiral just the way you like it, fun, and you have a ton of energy and en- don’t fret. There are 31 other quarterback thusiasm for life to match his love for the cuties out there, and I guarantee you can game. He would be a great companion, find at least one to your liking.g

by henrykellogg the undisclosed benefits of a friendship with New Jersey. here comes a time in the life of taking eleven courses in it, all to com- many college students when you prehend some silly example of a concept NJ: Take them off? They didn’t tell WT: Most Americans will agree that pride is get deep doubts about what it is that’s probably meaningful, right? Frank Sinatra to remove his gun before something you wear well; they can’t, however, say you’re majoring in. I experienced If you switch your major you might going on stage to perform. the same thing about deodorant. What can you my moment of indecision in a have to take an extra semester and how say to change this notion? philosophy class regarding the blackness are you going to explain to your parents WT: Alright then, moving on. in black bears’ coats. I thought that this why your switch from anthropology to NJ: I have it all, including a distinct odor. I’ve got deep epistemological question could be sociology cost you an extra semester, Many Americans get the impression that you’re ocean breezes down shore, trees out west, and easily answered with my massive intellec- especially if you don’t plan on being pushy yet stubborn, loud yet secretive, monoto- overwhelming amounts of Aqua di Gio every- tual ego. In my quiz I said that black bears either Margret Mead or Max Weber? In nous yet diverse; how do you respond to these where in between. Have you ever been to a big are black because they’re black and that’s the end, most liberal arts majors are really juxtaposed descriptions? garden with many types of flowers? The Garden pretty much the end of it. But I was interchangeable. The vast majority of State nickname I’ve been given doesn’t come from NJ: I have it all, what can I say? Last weekend I any real garden – it comes from the distinct odors “I wondered the question that college students in class- met up with some of Jersey’s finest by the ware- you smell while moving throughout different rooms all around the world receiving liberal arts educations houses in Newark before I headed down to A.C. parts of the “garden” of New Jersey. wonder: Why the fig giblets am I studying this?” for a good time. Along the way, I stopped to visit some friends at Trenton to make sure things were WT: One last question, New Jersey: If you could wrong. running normally and then – be any body part, which body part would you “What about Albino black bears?” was those graduating in some section or other choose and why would you choose it? written in big red letters at the bottom of of the humanities area wind up employed WT: -- Speaking of which, corruption and my quiz next to a B-, for my obviously with a job that doesn’t deal with any area Garden State politics are generally synonymous, NJ: That’s a tough question, but when I think less than average answer to the question. of their college education. The Univer- and you now rank among the states with the most about which body part I use most often on a daily It was at this point that I wondered the sity doesn’t offer a pre-mind-numbing- debt – do you think corrupt politics is in any way basis, I’ll go with the hand. When someone gets in great question that many college students cubicle-working studies program yet that related? the way of me speeding and being vulgar, I have in classrooms all around the world receiv- is so often the path that many liberal arts a tendency to express anger with my hand. Last ing liberal arts educations wonder: Why majors take. In this economy, the cubicle, NJ: First, corruption is an ugly word; I would pre- weekend I was doing 90, easy, down the Turnpike the fig giblets am I studying this? 9-5, right out off college job seems like a fer “selective democracy” – you know, government when Ohio decides to get in my way. Tailgating, I’m not concentrating in Animal dream-- while working at 3 in the morn- run more efficiently by the best fit to run it– to- de blasting Springsteen’s “A Night With the Jersey Science; I really don’t care about bears. ing asking drunk college kids if they want scribe how things get done here. Second, everyone Devil,” and incessant beeping weren’t enough to When I signed up for Philosophy, I fries with that seems a very real possibil- knows that government debt is nothing more than get him off the road. I flipped him the bird until thought it would teach me how to live ity. Since college students usually don’t numbers – just look at our national debt! Also, he looked back and saw me. Once he saw me, well and would ask a lot of heady ques- get to work in the field they studied, then who would come looking for money from me? there seemed to be a clearer understanding of the tions. Well, where this black bears color’s they should try to study a field they enjoy, I’m New Jersey! You come knocking at the wrong Jersey etiquette and he pulled aside to let me pass. at is just not my bag. because that’s what college is for, right? door and it’ll be the last door you knock on… But what can I really do about it? I’ve In the end, all this talk of black bears WT:Interesting. Thank you once again for allow- already started studying this. I’m in the makes me think of the rainbow bears and WT: In an interview last weekend, the District of ing the water tower time in your busy schedule middle of my sophomore year, so how the Grateful Dead’s immortal advice. No Columbia, referring to comments by then-gover- to ask you a few questions. hard is it going to be for me to start a new matter what my major is, no matter nor Corzine regarding the overweight governor- major all over again from scratch? what my struggle is, I gotta “just elect Christie’s ability to “throw his weight around NJ: It was a pleasure. I feel like I’ve effectively That would mean picking some- keep truckin’ on home.” g to avoid getting traffic tickets” said that she was rectified any negative stereotypes about me. g t thing else that sounded cool and angry at the way you handle yourself. Her quote, by maxbookman

“New Jersey’s behavior in the recent gubernatorial austriabro1900: yooo whats good, Marxy? race is further proof she thinks this is all a joke,” redismyfavcolour: nm, Freud. you? raised some controversy among states like Texas, austriabro1900: jc. How wuz ur Halloween? who reportedly called her comments “partisan” redismyfavcolour: idk it was ok. Didn’t dress up and “another jealous attempt by raving liberals to austriabro1900: y not? turn this country into a socialist wasteland.” What redismyfavcolour: idk…I just…I don’t like how they force you to spend do you have to say about these comments? all that money just to dress up. I mean, who really benefits from that? We don’t. The companies that produce the dumb costumes do. NJ: First of all, D.C.’s always been one to get jeal- austriabro1900: err…wanna talk about it? ous at this time of year because she can’t have her redismyfavcolour: yeah, like, don’t you ever think that shit like Hallow- own gubernatorial elections. Second, we got rid een and xmas are just illusions? it’s like all this is an opiate for…for like the of Corzine without leaving behind any traces; people… America wakes up one morning and he’s gone. austriabro1900: um And lastly, I think Texas, a state I can’t austriabro1900: soundz lyke u wanna fuck ur mom always agree with, decided to realize redismyfavcolour: dude wtf? austriabro1900: im just saying all that illusions and opiates stuff is such a downer, u sound wicked depressed, man. it’s prob. just cuz u just wanna get with ur mom but cant admit it to urself redismyfavcolour: freud, listen, maybe YOU wanna get with YOUR mom, but you just project that on every1 else so you don’t think you’re a sick fuck. But you are. austriabro1900: doubt it. Regardless, ur worldview is sad. u gotta cheer up. Blow some coke or something austriabro1900: you there? austriabro1900: whatevz forget i said it austriabro1900: kkkkkksoooooooooooooo what else is up? redismyfavcolour: you’re a dumbass. I’m thinking of growing a beard. nothing crazy. Just a trim little beard to make me look a little older. for beardvember, you know? austriabro1900: y do u wanna change the way u look? Have a deep subconscious hatred for the way u r? redismyfavcolour: dude you always do this. austriabro1900: do what?! redismyfavcolour: whenever I ever tell you anything, you always reduce it down to some subconscious bullshit…have you ever considered that some things cant be reduced? Ever thought that the world is too complex to just simplify into one grand theory of things? austriabro1900: no. redismyfavcolour: of course not austriabro1900: well what about u? With u itz always “the rich are out to screw every1” Have U ever considered that some peeps don’t WANT TO redistribute all their stuff? Think ur evil Halloween costume makers will just give it all away 4 free? redismyfavcolour: no!! it’s gonna be the WORKERS who own all the costume making equipment, and they’ll have an incentive to give it away for free b/c they’ll be getting all sorts of other stuff for free in return austriabro1900: and who is gonna organize it all? redismyfavcolour: well, at first the government will…but eventually that’s gonna simply fade away austriabro1900: yeah, sure it will redismyfavcolour: it will!! austriabro1900: w/e i’ll brb automated response message from austriabro1900: “if you wanna hang top 5 out you got to take her out, cocaine.” –eric clapton u no wut im doin - brb ways snl has surprised the undisclosed benefits of a friendship with redismyfavcolour: ughh New Jersey. us this season 5. They’re celebrating 35 years! WT: Most Americans will agree that pride is 4. Their featured comics aren’t total randoms. something you wear well; they can’t, however, say 3. They had Ryan Reynolds on. And it was good. the same thing about deodorant. What can you 2. They got 2 egomaniacs, Lady Gaga and Madonna, to say to change this notion? make fun of themselves. 1. The show is funny again. NJ: I have it all, including a distinct odor. I’ve got ocean breezes down shore, trees out west, and overwhelming amounts of Aqua di Gio everywhere in between. Have you ever been to a big garden with many types of flowers? The Garden State nickname I’ve been given doesn’t come from any real garden – it comes from the distinct odors you smell while moving throughout different by emilyarnow parts of the “garden” of New Jersey. t’s Friday night and I’m juggling two bottles of drinking Olympics of life and your’re exposed to a Wednesday through Sunday night and the quest to seem WT: One last question, New Jersey: If you could Smirnoff, a 30 rack of Bud Light, and a handle of variety of cheap beer and mixed drinks. Diving into your “cool” and “older” becomes tiresome after your 30th trip be any body part, which body part would you Captains in my arms. I make my way to the “cash twenties, the big 21 birthday is finally in sight and you to the store. choose and why would you choose it? only” counter at Pearl Street Beverage. Dumping the can hardly wait for the time when you can get in any- Booze is also expensive and sometimes, even though alcohol on to the counter I fish around in my pocket for where without your older sibling’s ID. But what happens you’re of age to buy, not all that worth it. “I spend so NJ: That’s a tough question, but when I think the four different twenty dollars bills in my jacket. The when your dreams of being 21 are finally realized? Do much money on alcohol now, but once I turn 21 I don’t about which body part I use most often on a daily woman behind the cash register gives me a look of “this you feel cooler and more mature? Or do you just vomit think I’ll be buying it as much ‘cause I’ll be able to get it basis, I’ll go with the hand. When someone gets in is definitely not all for you,” and, wanting to get the hell for 4 straight hours in the sketchy bathroom of a bar whenever I want.” 20 year old Liz says. the way of me speeding and being vulgar, I have out of there fast, I give her my ID and bounce. Having you’re finally allowed to be in? When you turn 21, the world is suddenly open to you a tendency to express anger with my hand. Last just turned 21, this kind of trip to the store in which Turning 21 obviously has its perks and is the birthday in new ways and you are officially an adult. While the weekend I was doing 90, easy, down the Turnpike I single handedly clear out the hard alcohol section at to end all birthdays, especially if you do 21 shots in 21 celebration of buying your own liquor is a right of pas- when Ohio decides to get in my way. Tailgating, Pearl Street Beverage has become a weekend staple and, minutes. “Dude, I don’t even remember my 21st birth- sage and a feeling you’ll remember forever, the high you blasting Springsteen’s “A Night With the Jersey unfortunately, not as cool as I thought it would be. day!” Kevin, an enthusiastic 21 year-old proclaimed. No used to get smuggling alcohol or getting in to a bar with Devil,” and incessant beeping weren’t enough to Ever since I tasted, and then vomited up, my first more nights of random people buying you that handle a fake starts to fade away. Like an end to a good movie, get him off the road. I flipped him the bird until drinks of gin and cider in 9th grade, I have dreamed of Popov you’ve been wanting; now you can go to Pearl you might feel a little anticlimactic, but for the time he looked back and saw me. Once he saw me, of the day when I would have the privilege of purchas- Street Beverage and pick up a whole case! While the being you will have plenty of people in awe of your age. there seemed to be a clearer understanding of the ing and drinking my own alcohol, legally. For some, night of your 21st will most likely be filled with multiple You might not be drinking seven nights a week or you Jersey etiquette and he pulled aside to let me pass. high school is when you have your first taste of alcohol trips to the liquor store, just because you can, and most might realize that all your money is going towards beer. intoxication. While many experiment with vodka, others likely, a ride on the porcelain bus, the novelty of being But with great power comes great responsibility and if WT:Interesting. Thank you once again for allow- pine for the sweet nectar of Smirnoff ice, or whatever “of age” starts to fade sooner than later. no one had any cool 21-year-olds to buy their underage ing the water tower time in your busy schedule the hell they can steal from their parents’ liquor cabinet. “I think I drink less now that I’m 21,” Cassie, a junior, asses some booze for a bitchin’ party, there would be a to ask you a few questions. With all this sneaking around, throwing empty beer cans states. “It’s fun for a little to buy your own booze, but it limited college social life. So, for the time being, relish in the woods for instance, the day when you don’t have kind of takes the fun out of it now that it’s legal.” Once in your 21-year-old glory, share it with everyone around NJ: It was a pleasure. I feel like I’ve effectively to apologize or hide these substances seems light years the hype and anticipation of going into a bar and show- you even if it’s not as magical as you had hoped, and rectified any negative stereotypes about me. g away. ing your ID wears off, real life starts to settle in. The end- hold on, underagers, your day will come soon Then you go to college where you encounter the less phone calls and texts from younger friends pour in enough. g someone on campus catch your eye? overheard a conversation in b-town? couldn’t get a name? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? submit your love anonomyously tell the ear and we’ll print it. uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html twenty three point nine On the third floor of Bailey-Howe library: then the heat rises when your eyes met mine Kid 1: Dude, so you actually had to look at her ID in the a dream one devises morning to remember her name? Kid 2: Yeah bro instant attraction Kid 3: Damn I’m jealous and now i cant breathe spontaneous reaction The Mansfield Room at Lunchtime: my heart i bequeath. llamame [callme.] Girl (walking with boy): Sorry that I giggle when you cum. When: thursday Boy: Yeah... you should be. Where: makeup chem lab I saw: a gentleman In the Grundle: I am: a lady Boys will become men. Faces will become itchy. Guy: Well, you know, new relationships always come Girlfriends will become grossed out. But come November I saw you popping your birth control pills with a certain.... gestalt. 30th, four little-known UVM students will be made at the hockey game, that was so sexy that was so ill. Girl (passing): Ummm... What the fuck? infamous, as champions of the third annual Baby you are beautiful, let’s make ‘em useful water tower beardvember competition. that would be sick, that would be chill On the drunk bus: Gentlemen, put down your razors! Simply stop shaving for a month, and at the end of When: Lowell hockey game Girl 1: Mary still hasn’t given me my maneater shirt November, send a picture (before and after shots for Where: section 11 back! bonus points) to [email protected] for a I saw: A woman Girl 2: What a bitch!! chance to get your hairy face in the water tower under I am: A man Girl 1: I know, and she doesn’t even, like, eat men! She one of the following categories: totally strikes out. Oh sociology girl, The Wookie Award So much hair, even Chewy would You’re in my class and I noticed you the first day. In Cook Commons: puke a little in his mouth. You were tall and pretty and you look like an elf - in a good way. Girl 1: Is that water? The Scraggles McGee Award Patchier coverage than Not only do I see you in sociology but you also happen Girl 2: Yes. the wireless network at Bailey Howe. to live on Redstone - me too! Girl 1: They have water here? I always see you eating alone and I feel bad. I would love The Captain Redbeard Award Get back at everyone to join you but I am way too shy. In front of the Day of the Dead display in Waterman: who called you firecrotch freshman year. When: Sociology MWF Girl: Wait... it’s not like, Cinco de Mayo... is it? The Curious Growth Award New this year, for those Where: Fleming 101 who don’t need a razor to have naturally sculpted facial I saw: Sociology Girl hair. I am: The Perfect Study Buddy

the results are in! with colbynixon

This get-up gives you the impression that the wearer is the wt. halloween perpetually on her way to, or just leaving, the gym. costume contest! A thin headband: This is really a great way to prevent hair or sweat, or sweaty hair, for that matter, from Come check out the winners of the first getting in your eyes when you’re Warm-up top: Unless you’re a annual halloween costume contest on hitting the treadmill. It is appar- varsity athlete, this garment is the wt website: ently equally as useful at keeping probably a holdover from your your hair out of your pizza at the high school track days where you Grundle. ran the 100 m dash and maybe uvm.edu/~watertwr did a relay. Now that you’re out of high school, the same warm- up top that kept you warm when watching the all the other events keeps you warm walking to Bill- ings.

Warm-up bottoms: If you’re really lucky, your high school threw down for some matching bottoms, though for many perma-thletes this is not the case. Your warm-up bottoms are probably baggy sweatpants that you bought from the bookstore that first weekend in Sep- tember when the temperature dropped below 60. However, the true perma- thlete will wear windpants character- ized by the signature swoosh, swoosh, swoosh that can be heard as you pass by everyone in the Davis Center tunnel. Uggs/flip-flops: Were you really planning on working out? Of course not, besides sneakers are so ugly and uncomfortable, so Uggs or flip-flops are clearly the best alternative. [email protected] danielle vogl Feeling a little créatif? Wishing Vantage Point was published more than once a semester? Well now you can submit your creative writing, short stories, poems, drawings, black and white photos, and any other créatif things to the water tower’s new section, créatif stuffé. Send your submissions to [email protected] by Tuesdays at 4:00.

by georgeloftus

Do you ever come to and realize your to dinner with a girl in three months life is all the shitty and painful parts of a because I’m working here overtime. She’s John Hughes movie? Where do you go about to start a family, and I wear a red from that? vest to work. The answer? Not far, because my “Wow, Buckman, it only took you shift doesn’t end for three more hours. twenty minutes to put up one, two... five Baaaaaaaaaaalls, this night is taking for- words.” ev-ver. Brittany. Engaged? What the hell, “In all fairness, ‘birthday’ is like two dude? That is such a big leap! We’re 23, words.” menopause isn’t going to punch her in the “Scott, if I wanted lip I’d be home with face anytime soon-- what’s the fucking my girlfriend.” rush? And to him? He looks like a three Wow, even his girlfriend hates him. year-old Q-tip you find after cleaning Wait... Derek with a girlfriend? Bullshit. behind the trash can in the bathroom. I “I know it took me a while, Derek, but miss her pancakes. I miss her rain boots. you know I don’t like heights and it just We were kids. It’s not fair that she gets to took me a while to work up the courage. be a terrible person and go forward in life I’ll be inside warming up.” while I have the same job I’ve had since I “Give me a reason, Scott. We went to was sixteen. school together, I want to help you, but “Hey, Buckman, we’ve got a birthday you’re making it nearly impossible. If party coming in tomorrow, so I’m going you’re going to keep half-assing it like to need you to go outside and change the this, we’re not gonna have a choice but to marquee. ‘Happy Birthday Ben’, umm, let you go.” ‘Go Joe’. That’s what the mother wanted. “How am I ‘half-assing?’” The ladder should be in the back.” “Well, you consistently take a long “I... yeah, anything you say, Derek.” time to do simple tasks like changing the “Oh, I saw Brittany earlier, is she still marquee, doing inventory in the stock with that guy she cheated on you with? room, and earlier tonight.” photograph by emily schwartz That’s brutal!” Brittany was in the past... when ev- “Yep, that’s him. I’ll be outside hanging myself, erything could have been... How is it too you fucking prick.” late? “What?” “I trust you. Look, Scott.. I know I’m “Nothing, Derek.” hard on you. I push you. I do it because I Fresh air. Just what I need right now. know you have potential. I don’t see why by laurynschrom As I make my way to the back for the you can’t be like me. ” One afternoon on a particularly cold breakfast the following morning, the cal- letters, I can’t avoid thinking about her. “What?” fall day, Lucy sat in her classroom taking culus homework he’d edited in the dark The crest of her lips curved just like they “I said before too long you could be a test. She was quite embarrassed; she while she slept, and the missing necklace were a bell. The memory of the slight gap just like me.” hadn’t studied at all that week. She had he’d returned to her after it had slipped between her front teeth is burned into It’s never been too late. forgotten absolutely everything. off her neck during a game of Frisbee— my mind. Her smile is still ringing in my “Absolutely not.” She looked down at what she had all of them had been the signs of his not head. She could’ve used her dimples as “What?” written as an answer to question number inconsiderable affection for her. And now cereal bowls. I always loved that about “I quit. I remember when I wanted to twenty-two. Neucleoid. It sort of made here he was, being called a nosy slob. her. What a whore. be a pirate. I remember thinking I could sense. She decided to move on, but then “Okay, okay, okay,” he said. “I’ll admit There’s the exclamation point, bottom somehow be like James Bond, or an astro- something stopped her—a voice. it was wrong. You are going to fail your of the box. Now I just need the ‘j’... naut, or a cruise ship captain. I remember “Nucleus,” it said. “Neuuucleeeuus. test with the utmost integrity, and I ad- I think what kills me the most is thinking anything was possible. I saw Nucleus!” mire that.” thinking about her in the peach colored Brittany tonight, and if she can go some- Lucy whipped her head around and She nodded. nighty she bought for Valentine’s Day two where, then I can too. I’m getting out of stared into empty space. There was no- “And I’m just going to spit this out,” he years ago. That fabric somehow makes me here, Derek. Here, take this vest, I never body in front of her, and yet she was sure continued. “I want to know if you’ll go forget about everything awful. I remem- wanna see it again.” that that was where the answer had come out with me, on a date. Something casual. ber that night and I remember it well. She “Scott! You can’t do this! You don’t from. She left the question blank, handed By the waterfront, maybe?” wasn’t worth it. even have another job lined up! What are in her exam, and left for home. To his non-surprise, Lucy looked Should I put ‘joe’ in capitals? That’s you going to do for money? What are you When she was finally out in the open, shocked. “What?” she cried. “Go out with how it was on the show, but I doubt this going to do tomorrow!? she crossed the campus green to a par- you? I still haven’t even forgiven you for kid was even alive when that show was “What am I gonna do tomorrow? ticularly shady spot and produced from setting my microwave on fire! And what on... Whatever the fuck I want, Derek.” Her silhouette stepped apprehensively her pocket what looked like a handful of about the time you set my alarm clock towards the light at the top of the stairs. I chalk dust and a laser pointer. She threw back two hours? I missed a test!” saw the vibrantly colored fabric contrast the dust into the air and aimed the laser “I’ll admit that was pretty bad. And with her dark olive-toned skin, and all pointer at it, saying, “Alright, Tarquin, I’m sorry, but it’s just that lately I’ve been the while she was biting her lower lip. you nosy, stuck-up, miserable little hunk getting the feeling like we’re perfect for She was absolutely perfect in that instant of ectoplasm, I want you to show yourself. each other!” of hesitance. That moment of doubt And I want you to know how pissed I “You can’t come back to life,” Lucy screamed just how beautiful she was. And am!” retorted, “and I sure as heck am not going then we locked eyes. She tilted her head And then he appeared—a ghost with to die for you. Aren’t there any hot girl by alyssabicknell an attitude, a human poltergeist with a ghosts at the graveyard you could go out down and allowed a light to reflect that knack for causing trouble and an outfit with?” cut right through me. Her uncertainty straight out of the year nineteen twenty- Tarquin let out an involuntary shud- vanished. That shy vulnerability dis- I see you everyday, two. Tarquin E. Speare wasn’t totally in- der. “If you ever actually saw Monica and sipated. It was extraordinary. Why am I when I walk the Redstone path. visible, but the only way you could really Hilda Van Heusen, you’d be able to un- thinking about her? Just looking at old dirty you, see him was if you shined a laser pointer derstand,” he said. “When they died, they I have all the letters now, I just need makes me want a bath. through his head, which was something were both ninety-one years old—and they the ladder we bought from a fire sta- Why have you been lying there, he hated. He lowered his head in mock were buried without their false teeth—so tion. At any given time there are at least for over five weeks now? shame, his translucent eyes twinkling. their ghosts haven’t got any false teeth, thirteen people working here. During It makes me wonder aimlessly, “I was only trying to help,” he said in- either—in fact, they haven’t got any teeth peak hours, there are twenty. Right now, Who and why and when and how? nocently. at all—” there are fifteen, including Derek. Derek Who used you for sex, “Cheating is not helping, Tarquin,” “Eww,” said Lucy, looking vaguely sick; has known since we went to Camp Beech you dirty condom, you? Lucy said sternly. “Why don’t you go back she was picturing an image of several nas- Cliff in the 9th grade that I hate heights. Your past is a mystery to the graveyard where you belong?” ty, toothless, rotting corpses sitting and Every time the marquee needs changing and your elasticity history. To her surprise, Tarquin blushed blue. chilling around the graveyard—literally. he asks me to do it. Every time. Is he be- Now you lie on the ground, embarrassed, “Miserable hunk of ectoplasm,” he said. “And Hilda had eczema,” Tarquin ing a douche bag on purpose, or is he just simply wishing to be gone away “Even for you, that’s striking pretty low.” continued. perpetually dense? so you can forget about “Well, I’m annoyed,” said Lucy. “Why “Alright, alright, I’ll go out with you!” I was astonished. I was terrified. It all those crazy sexcapades. did you choose me to haunt? You’re a Lucy shouted. “Just don’t mention Hilda was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my So, here’s to you, my latex friend, nuisance. You’re not fit to be Casper’s or her eczema again!” entire life. Patiently waiting for a helping hand phlegm.” Tarquin’s entire face brightened; for a Happy Birthday Ben! Go JOE! There, I think you need to hear the truth, Tarquin bowed his head. She was moment he looked almost alive again. finally I can get off this rickety-ass ladder. That helping hand will never be me. telling the truth, there was no denying “I’ll pick you up around…seven,” he It’s making more noise than my grandfa- I don’t want an STD. that. He’d been haunting her since her said dashingly, and disappeared. ther does when he tries to sit down. Three freshman year. And he had caused his fair On the dark campus green, Lucy stood steps, two steps, one. I can’t believe I was share of trouble for her, too. dazed, wondering just how, exactly, he just up 45 feet in the air and I didn’t even But she had missed the signs. All the was going to do that. crap myself. That’s a f#$%ing miracle in little signals he’d given over the years, the itself. And now, for all I know, she wears it apple he’d left on her desk the night he for him every night. I haven’t been out knew that she wouldn’t be able to attend cat litter: by mac smith, ben civiletti, juliet critsimilios, greg francese, henry kellogg, and mike white artwork by kelly macintyre

Up 17 points to 63 As it gets colder, the value of mass Up 12 points to 40 You would think that with swine flu Sitting Steady at 46 With midterms keeping everyone produced food that you can easily cook in a coffee pot going around, people might feel like taking better care of up at night, coffee hasn’t budged in its importance. will increase. Act quickly, as you may find that the value themselves and blowing their noses now and again. You Maybe it’s because Green Mountain Coffee comes with of these foods is tied to the value of meal points. would think that. a severe case of the shits.

Sitting steady at 100 Up 76 points to 81 Running out of points with a month Up 61 points to 89 Let’s face it. Midterms are here and duh. to go? Tough shit. Do your roommate’s laundry in its impossible to study for a test without at least 30 mg exchange for a week’s meals at the Marche. Maybe even of this wonderful drug in your system. With a limited just a week’s supply of Ramen Noodles?? supply on campus and wildly growing demand, expect this overvalued stock to come crashing back to earth in about two weeks.

by nyikobeguin & andrewseier Tegan and Sara - Sainthood sive track “The Gardner,” Mattson sings The sixth album from the twin sister duo happily of deceiving a lover in order to is not to be taken lightly. Straying from by alexpinto keep their relationship nice and tidy. You the atmosphere of their previous album, This week is a quick vacation from will be drawn into the threats the lover Sainthood is packed with punchy and up- the hard electro that usually classifies the faces and his determination to squash beat orchestrations that serve to highlight DBoftheW. Boston funk rockers Love in Stockholm do like to slow it down, by kylekelly-yahner them in order to maintain his relation- the contrast between writing styles. Com- ship, his garden. Mattson sings, “I sense bining lush vocal harmonies, intriguing sometimes ranging into blues/soul/R&B Bao Xishun, of China, is the tallest a leak inside my phone now from all song structure, and heart-wrenching spheres in the studio, but for fans of man on earth, standing 8 feet 5 inches the lies that I have told.” And goes on, “I content, their signature sound remains live-Soulive-type ho-downs, check out tall. But there is another with the same know the leak is going to tell you/ there in tact. The album has a “poppy” value the tracks on their myspace. They rage. claim: Kristian Matsson, a 27-year-old ain’t no puppy in your leash/ so now he’ll similar to So Jealous, however much of Stockholm is starting to gain recogni- Scandinavian folk singer standing 5 fertilize the roses so I could stay the king the emotion and intensity that has been tion outside the strictly Boston scene, feet 7 inches tall. Kristian released his you see in your eyes, babe.” And when prominent in earlier works is still here. so if you’re in the area catch them while first recordShallow Grave under the our gardener has finished his reign of For Fans Of: Rilo Kiley, Metric it’s still a cheap ticket. Plenty of horns, name The Tallest Man on Earth to much terror (otherwise known as maintenance) Lackthereof - A Lackthereof Retrospec- Hammond, and guitar that flips from critical acclaim and tours with both Bon he quells his lover’s worries: “Now there is tive - I Was A Christian Emo Twenty- wah-wah funk to driving rock on a dime. Iver and folk-legend John Vanderslice. no need for suspicion/ there ain’t no frog Something (Film Guerro) The show will not disappoint. Plus, while Kristian will gently guide you through kissing your hand/ I won’t be lying when I Melancholy indie rock. Head man from you’re in town, look for Absolute Flavor, the fall/winter limbo that is November. It tell you/ that I’m a gardener I’m a man in Menomena, Danny Seim. A compilation the strange avant-hip-hop project of gets dark at around 4:30 now, so let’s be your eyes, babe”. of previously released/unreleased work. Stockholm guitarist Neil Clarke’s younger serious—you need some comfort. The eloquence continues even when Lo-fi beauty, I would compare this album brother Mikatron, and rappers Invalid Matsson fingerpicks with an ease love is not the main theme. Take, for with Accumulation: None by (smog) aka Shakespeare and Akilla the Pun. For fans matched only by his the candor of his example, the album’s title track “Shallow Bill Calahan. Voice and instrumentation of hip-hop that really (yes, really) doesn’t voice. The young folk singer’s guitar play- Grave.” Mattson laments his opposing is layered. The mood of this one is pretty sound like anything else-- check it out. ing resembles folk legends Mance Lip- personalities (as we all do at times): “But mellow to slightly depressed, occasionally The subject matter ranges so widely that scomb and (quite obviously) Bob Dylan. when I dive into the water/ I’ve raised there are some electronic beats that pick the songs work better in LP context—the Matsson switches from jangly strumming the bottom to be saved/ it’s just a shal- up the atmosphere a bit. self-released debut is essentially a concept to precise finger picking to accentuate the low grave.” This stark lyric is sung over a For Fans Of: Grizzly Bear (think Horn of album, with musical interludes and sixty melodic structure of his songs, and, even lightly strummed banjo with a few birds Plenty) second songs galore—but since it’s nearly more so, to complement his voice. chirping in the background. Yep, real impossible to find copies of the full disc, The Tallest Man on Earth sings with birds. The Tallest Man on Earth (despite myspace songs will have to do for now. n a conviction so strong he seems possessed his height) pinpoints common ground in by his song and consequently is merely the song, and makes it seem impossible a vessel it runs through. This is evident that song wasn’t written just for you. in his whispering voice that can quickly The thematic backbone of the record with julietcritsimilios turn into a beautifully held note, rough is the fight between escapism and inevita- with the undertones of a growl. Matt- bility. Mattson focuses on reveling in the son’s yelps and falsetto crooning can be New Stadium, same old traditions. 27. Leaving New York R.E.M. It’s easier to pleasure of youth as it vanishes, and the Yeah the Yankees won the World Series; leave than to be left behind/leaving New distracting at times, but nevertheless his eventual consequences of such revelry. unrestricted vocal style serves a greater sorry, Philly (but more importantly, sorry York never easy Central to the portrayal of this fight is Boston). New York Groove KISS & Ace Frehley purpose in maintaining an air of earnest- landscape—there is little mention of one ness throughout the record. New York Girls Morningwood In your Feels so good tonight who cares about specific lover, ex-lover, friend, or foe. tight black jeans/and my high heeled shoes/ tomorrow/I’m back in the New York groove Shallow Grave is just Matsson with his Bluebirds, mountains, water, giant dogs guitar, his stories and a few microphones. god I think you’re hot/I got to get with you City Love John Mayer I never liked this pulling their owners, and hibernating Empire State of Mind Jay Z. ft Alicia apple much/it always seemed too big to You will not find any string sections, syn- moles are the central characters of Shal- thesizers, and no godforsaken auto tune Keys Catch me at the X with OG at a Yan- touch low Grave. Just like the album was not kee game/shit I made the Yankee hat more We Are the Champions Queen We are (thank you to Jay-Z for nailing that coffin made in a multi-million-dollar studio, the shut), hell there aren’t even any drums. famous than a Yankee game the champions/no time for losers/’cause we landscapes are not painted by five-hun- New York City Norah Jones & The Peter are the champions/of the world Why? Complexity in production would dred dollar words. Simple language is the hinder The Tallest Man On Earth. Sim- Malick Group I rode the train for hours on New York New York Frank Sinatra If I brush of choice; and with simple language end/and watched the people pass me by can make it there/I’ll make it plicity allows the listener to dive deeper Mattson constructs complex poetry into the complexities of lyric and melody Bronx Bombers Grandmaster Flash I’m anywhere/It’s up to you/New York, worthy of your literary and musical sweet talking bout the Bronx/the beat is in the New York Mattson has masterfully intertwined. tooth.n In the albums most upbeat, percus- street/that’s why its called the boogie down