volume 6 - issue 10 - tuesday, november 10, 2009 - uvm, burlington, vt danielle berg by leamclellan your snot-head, cans of soup, get Hulu only to wake up drenched in your mouth- t’s on the door you just held open sick can actually be fun! (Not really.) The bookmarked, a slinky, solitaire, Tickle Me breather drool. You could wallow in for that girl. It’s on the rim of that trick is to anticipate the sick. Sad as it is, Elmo, tea bags, more tissues, vitamin C self-pity and drink your sorrows away beer pong cup you chugged Satur- your roommate isn’t your mommy. Un- injections…you get the idea. Store these with OJ. day night. It’s in those three wet less you have a truly dedicated friend or things within arm’s length of your bed. Don’t do it. Like I said, there are lots of coughs on the back of your head significant other, no one is going to bring Get a little fridge and microwave setup in fun times to be had while you’re sick (still a in your 300-person Geology lecture. you chicken noodle soup and saltines, there, too. You are not going to want to lie)! You can finally do all those things you It’s in that little tickle you feel in wish you could do during your regular your throat with every swallow. week without feeling like a lazy waste of Everyone is sick. Look over there. See life. You know, like browsing your widget that guy sucking the snot back up into I’d tell you to wash your hands, but options for two hours straight. Did you his nose and wiping the remnants on his know there’s a widget that can tell you clammy booger hand? Sick. Hear that why bother? It’s too late. Might as when your underwear needs washing? phlegmy sneeze? Hear that raspy cough There’s also one where a young John Tra- off in the not-so-distant distance? Sick. well pop a multi-vitamin and leave volta shakes his booty. Download these. See that laughing, carefree girl with the While you’re at it, you can download healthy glow rubbing elbows with coldy and change all your icons to little fun, and flu-face? She’s got “carrier” written all it up to the Immune System Gods. seasonally relevant shapes like pilgrim over her. hats and pumpkin pies. By the end of I’d tell you to wash your hands, but your sickness, you will have the best desk- why bother? It’s too late. Might as well pop in your favorite DVDs, or gently gage get up. And why should you move? You’re top. Ever. Another extremely entertaining pop a multi-vitamin and leave it up to the temperature of your forehead with the sick! Channeling our colonial friends Internet option is to peruse street view the Immune System Gods. Accept the in- back of their cool, loving hand. and bringing back the chamber pot is option on Google Earth. When you’re evitable: you’re gonna get sick. How sick So be your own cool, loving hand! optional. No judgment here. healthy, this activity can grant you stalker are we talking here? Swine sick? Sniffles Err… anyway, you can take steps while Once you have your little sick sanctu- status. When you have the Swine, staring sick? I can’t tell you. But I do know that you’re still healthy to make your impend- ary all set, well, that’s when the real fun at all your acquaintances’ front doors it’s best to be prepared for whatever strain ing sickness the best sick you’ve ever had. begins! Sure you could be boring and and mailboxes and figuring out their car of rhinovirus, H1N1, influenza grossness Preparation is key. Have a stash of the predictable about it all. You could build makes and models isn’t weird at all. that’s coming your way. And believe me, necessities: sleeves (and sleeves) of crack- your sad little pile of mucus-filled tissues guys and gals, it’s a-comin’. ers, ginger ale, orange juice, Emergen-C, by your head. You could watch movies continued as sick on page 2 Don’t feel bad. Don’t be scared. Being tissues, DVDs, fluffy pillows to prop up online and fall asleep half-way through, news reflections créatif stuffé advertise for your club or organization with the gop is cool an interview with ode to redstone the water tower. we’re with rape? the garden state condom cheaper than the other guys. by katedonnelly by gregfrancese by alyssabicknell [email protected] we don’t know why owen with macsmith doesn’t like the thought The House-The House of Representatives recently passed a healthcare reform bill by a vote of 220-215. This bill is historic—not because it’s the first time we’ve almost attempted making healthcare more affordable, but because it’s the government’s biggest -ef of mr. limbaugh fort to bring us one step closer to becoming crack smoking Nazi Marxist Osama sodomists. cumming... NYC Metro Transit Authority-For shits and giggles, someone decided to race the M42, Manhattan’s slowest bus, from river to With regards to the Rush Limbaugh river along 42nd street. Guess what? The guy won…on a tricycle. reference in Kate Donnelly’s “Closing Gitmo ... eventually,” thanks. I really Stephen Tyler-It has been reported that the lead singer of Aerosmith is on the verge of leaving the band in favor of pursuing his needed that image. “solo career,” which I can only imagine is impersonating old lesbians. That is all. Scientology-As part of the Church’s brainwashing, I mean, training exercises, new members are forced to watch videos of Tom -Owen Cruise. If anyone objects, he or she is then forced to watch videos of John Travolta. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and Toyota Prius-Businessweek decided to include the Toyota Prius as one of the “50 ugliest cars in the last 50 years,” which prompts fight the power. But most of the time, they me to add Businessweek to my own list of “duh.” just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to thewatertowernews @gmail.com continued from page 1 encouraged. Eventually you are going to with michaelcieslak want to move around a little. I don’t mean the water tower. getting out of bed. Don’t get up. The lying uvm’s alternative newsmag We had a rather fun week in sports. First off, congratulations to theYankees for uvm.edu/~watertwr in bed position isn’t completely limiting. their 27th World Series. It only cost them $210 million. Swine has hit pro sports. David If you feel a little athletic, then put that Krejci of the Boston Bruins has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, which is terrible _________________Editorial Staff booger tissue pile to use. Play a one-man timing as the Bruins continue to suck ass. Tim Lincecum, the 2008 Cy Young Award game of Snot HORSE or a little Around Editors-in-Chief winner, received a marijuana citation this past week. He was in possession of 3.3 grams Max Bookman the World with your trash can (There’s no such and a pipe. The most surprising part of this was that he was pulled over in bumfuck Lea McLellan thing as one-man HORSE or Around the World)! This is Washington where I thought they had no cops. Manu Ginobili can add another skill also a prime time to work out your com- News Editor to his already impressive dossier of skills, pest removal. During a break in action dur- monly ignored Abductor Digiti Minimi Paul Gross ing their game, he snatched a bat out of mid air and slammed it to the ground, kill- muscle, also known as your pinky. ing it. Rightfully so, PETA was outraged and compared him to Michael Vick. Which Finally, don’t forget to pamper your- Reflections Editor makes sense because a 4-ounce bat definitely equals a couple thousand dogs. A woman Molly Kelly-Yahner self. You deserve it! Rub those lotion-y went psycho in a BYU-New Mexico Women’s soccer game. Elizabeth Lambert was a tissues all over your face—mmm feels punching, hair pulling, slide tackling maniac. New Mexico’s VP for athletics said in a Créatif Stuffé Editor good, doesn’t it? Drink Robitussin out of Alex Townsend statement that her actions were “completely inappropriate.” In her defense, she was ob- a shot glass, or make a tasty Cranberry- viously on her period. Vermont Men’s Hockey tied UMass-Lowell; they are now 2-3-1 Alka-Seltzer-Tini and pretend you’re at a Humor Editor overall and 1-2-1 in Hockey East. The Women’s team has hit a skid, losing 4 straight fancy party with your friends. Mac Smith after a 4-1 start. They are now 4-5-0. Men’s and Women’s basketball have both opened Do what you need to do to make your up their pre-seasons with big wins. Both of their regular seasons start Friday. g Managing Editor flu…a happy flu. Alex Pinto Copy Editors Amy Goodnough Jen Kaulius Online Editor with paulgross Anthony Sweet _________________Staff Writers Jelena Aleksich “I have never witnessed a scene like this.” Emily Arnow -Brazilian undertaker Natanael Horonato on a bizarre case of mistaken identity whereby a bricklayer named Ademir Jorge Gon- Juliet Critsimilios Greg Francese calves arrived at his own funeral.