The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 2
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COLD OPEN WE SEE A MONTAGE OF VARIOUS 80’S TRENDS AS ADULT ADAM SPEAKS. ADULT ADAM (V.O.) No decade in the 20th century was more defined by fads and bad fashion trends than the 80s. And we never had to go too far to find someone who was more willing to jump on each and every cultural bandwagon than my big brother, Barry. Like, break dancing. EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY BARRY AND A GROUP OF GUYS ARE BREAK DANCING ON A LARGE PIECE OF LINOLEUM. BARRY Big Tasty knows how to dance, too, boyeee! BARRY ATTEMPTS TO DO SOME FLASHY MOVES AND WE HEAR A LOUD TEARING SOUND AS HIS PARACHUTE PANTS SPLIT. HIS EYES BUG OUT AND HIS FRIENDS ARE HYSTERICAL. ADULT ADAM (V.O.) Pac Man. INT. VIDEO ARCADE - DAY BARRY IS PLAYING PAC MAN, WITH A DOZEN QUARTERS LINING THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN AND HE’S SINGING THE “PAC MAN FEVER” SONG. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF PAC MAN DYING AND BARRY BANGS HIS FISTS ON THE CONSOLE. THE QUARTERS FALL ON TO THE GROUND, SCATTERING, AS KIDS ALL AROUND HIM DIVE FOR THE QUARTERS. BARRY No! No! No! The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 2. ADULT ADAM (V.O.) Footloose and Flashdance. INT. GOLDBERG’S GARAGE - DAY BARRY IS DANCING TO THE “FLASHDANCE” THEME, WEARING A SLEEVELESS T-SHIRT, HEADBAND, JEAN SHORTS AND LEG WARMERS. HE SITS IN A CHAIR AND PULLS A ROPE FROM ABOVE. A BUCKET OF WATER FALLS DOWN AND THE BUCKET HITS HIM IN THE HEAD. BARRY OW!!! ADULT ADAM (V.O.) But nothing quite affected the nation, or Barry, like the maddening puzzle of squares from Romania: Rubik’s Cube. INT. GOLDBERG’S LIVING ROOM - DAY MURRAY, ERICA AND POPS ARE SITTING AROUND WATCHING TV. MURRAY IS ALSO HOLDING A NEWSPAPER. BEVERLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS. BEVERLY Have any of you seen Barry? It’s too quiet around here and my supermomma sense tells me something’s wrong. Very wrong. MURRAY Who? BEVERLY Barry! Your first born son? Scrumptious smile. Delicate China doll skin. (MORE) The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 3. BEVERLY (CONT'D) Exquisitely curly hair that would make Michael Jackson jealous. Ring a bell? MURRAY Oh. Yeah. MURRAY GOES BACK TO READING THE PAPER. ERICA I think he went downstairs to watch cartoons. You know, because he’s too dense for anything else. BEVERLY WALKS TOWARDS THE BASEMENT DOOR. INT. GOLDBERG’S BASEMENT - DAY WE SEE BARRY SITTING ON A COUCH FROM BEHIND. HE ISN’T WEARING A SHIRT AND IS HUNCHED OVER. HE APPEARS TO BE FIDGETING WITH SOMETHING IN HIS HANDS. BEVERLY IS SLOWLY AND QUIETLY WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS, SUSPICIOUS OF WHAT MAY BE GOING ON. BARRY Ooh! Yeah! C’mon, baby! YES! Almost there! Almost there! A LOOK OF HORROR COMES OVER BEVERLY’S FACE AND SHE PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER MOUTH. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh my gosh! YES! I’m gonna beat it! BEVERLY SCREAMS AND RUNS UPSTAIRS. BARRY LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GOES ABOUT HIS BUSINESS LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. INT. GOLDBERG’S LIVING ROOM - DAY BEVERLY IS SCURRYING BACK AND FORTH IN A PANIC, FANNING HER FACE WITH HER HANDS, NERVOUSLY. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 4. POPS Bev, what’s wrong, dear? You look very pale. BEVERLY (talking to herself) I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for this. OK. OK. He’s a growing boy. It’s perfectly normal and healthy... No! NO! He’s still my scrump-dilly-icious baby boy! And..EWW!! ERICA Mom! What’s going on?? BEVERLY (composing herself) I....I have seen something I cannot un-see. ERICA What do you mean? Was Barry actually doing homework? BEVERLY Oh, no. It wasn’t homework. BEVERLY STARTS BREATHING HEAVILY AND SHE FANS HERSELF EVEN FASTER. SHE PRETENDS TO FAINT. EVERYONE GETS UP TO ATTEND TO HER. MEANWHILE, BARRY SLOWLY WALKS INTO THE ROOM, HEAD DOWN, POUTING, ARMS AT HIS SIDE. HE’S IN HIS UNDERWEAR - AND HOLDING A RUBIK’S CUBE IN ONE HAND. HE’S OBLIVIOUS TO HIS MOTHER ON THE FLOOR. HE HOLDS THE CUBE IN THE AIR AND HE LOOKS AT IT. IT’S NEARLY COMPLETE. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 5. BARRY I couldn’t do it. I failed. I’ve been at it for two days and I couldn’t solve it. I’m such a failure. ERICA Wait. That’s what you were doing this whole time downstairs? BARRY Of course. What did you think I was doing? BEVERLY IS NOW LOOKING UP AT BARRY WITH A CONFUSED, EMBARRASSED EXPRESSION ON HER FACE. ERICA Uhhh...(she’s pointing to Beverly on the floor) BARRY How do they do it? Those little Japanese kids on the news can do it in like 10 seconds! (pretending to manipulate the cube quickly) This this this this this this...DONE! It’s like..dark magic! POPS Let me see that. HE TAKES THE CUBE OUT OF BARRY’S HAND AND LOOKS AT IT INTENTLY FOR A MOMENT. HE THEN PLAYS WITH IT FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS, SOLVES IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO BARRY. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 6. POPS (CONT’D) Here. What was so hard about that? BARRY DAMMIT! BARRY STOMPS UPSTAIRS LIKE A 3-YEAR-OLD. END OF COLD OPEN The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 7. ACT ONE ADULT ADAM (V.O.) It was April tenth, nineteen eighty something, and while the world, and my brother, were succumbing to Rubik’s Revenge, I had my own crisis of confusion going on. EXT. GOLDBERG’S DRIVEWAY - DAY ADAM AND HIS FRIEND, CHAD KREMP, ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL AS BEST AS TWO SHORTER-THAN-AVERAGE SUBURBAN KIDS CAN PLAY. CHAD HAS THE BALL AND ADAM IS DEFENDING. CHAD TRIES A SPIN MOVE BUT NAILS ADAM IN THE FACE WITH AN ELBOW AND ADAM DROPS, SCREAMING IN PAIN, HOLDING HIS NOSE. ADAM OW! OWWWWW! OWWWWWWWW! CHAD Oh, man. Adam, I’m sorry. I...I saw Larry Bird make that move the other night on TV. ADAM PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND REVEALS A BLOODY NOSE. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 8. CHAD (CONT’D) Ooh. Man. You’re bleeding. You should get your mom. ADAM Oh, crap! ADULT ADAM (V.O.) Nary an emergency could go by without my mom unleashing her inner EMT. Boo boos? Easy. Bump on the head? An ice pack was there before you could blink, along with a plate of cookies. Scraped knee? Band-aids, ointment and a barrage of kisses. But when it came to the site of blood... INT. GOLDBERG’S KITCHEN - DAY BEVERLY IS BUSY BAKING AND SINGING TO HERSELF. SHE PULLS A CASSEROLE DISH OUT OF THE OVEN. AS SHE TURNS AROUND, ADAM AND CHAD COME RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE. WHEN SHE SEES ADAM, SHE FREEZES IN PLACE, HER EYES BUG OUT AND SHE DROPS THE CASSEROLE DISH ON THE FLOOR. SHE STARTS BACKING AWAY, AS IF SHE'S COME FACE TO FACE WITH AN EVIL CREATURE IN A HORROR MOVIE. ADAM Mom! Mom! BEVERLY What....happ?....face....blood...(gagg ing) ohmygod I'm gonna puke. SHE LOOKS VERY PALE AND COVERS HER MOUTH. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 9. ADAM (pointing to his nose, as if he needs to state the obvious) Mom! Nose? BEVERLY (still staring at Adam in horror, holding herself up by grabbing on to the kitchen counter) MURRAY! MURRRRAYYYYY!!!! ADAM Mom! JUST THEN, ERICA AND LAINEY WALK IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. ERICA SEES ADAM AND RUSHES OVER. ERICA Oh my god! Adam, your nose! What happened? SHE GRABS A TOWEL, OPENS THE FREEZER AND GRABS SOME ICE CUBES TO PUT INSIDE THE TOWEL. SHE QUICKLY GRABS A PAPER TOWEL IN THE OTHER HAND. SHE PLACES THE TOWEL GENTLY OVER THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE AND PINCHES HIS NOSTRILS SHUT WITH THE PAPER TOWEL. ADAM (Pointing to Chad) Well, Mr. Bird over here tried to pull a move for the highlight reel and failed! Miserably! CHAD LOOKS SHEEPISH AND LOWERS HIS HEAD, TRYING NOT TO LAUGH. ERICA Mom? (pause) Mom?! BEVERLY APPEARS TO BE IN A TRANCE. JUST THEN, MURRAY COMES HURRYING IN. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 10. MURRAY What? What? What's going on, Bev? (pauses) Bev? BEVERLY ISN'T ANSWERING. MURRAY LOOKS OVER AT ADAM AND SEES THE BLOODY PAPER TOWEL. MURRAY (CONT’D) Oh boy. Let me see there, pal. HE HAS ERICA PULL THE ICE PACK AWAY. MURRAY (CONT’D) Hmmm... well, it doesn't look too bad. I don't think it's broken, so you're OK. (turning around to look at Beverly) Heh. Your mom might not be, though. ADULT ADAM (V.O.) Yep. While my mom was a certified parenting super hero, she also had her one weakness. Her kryptonite. And that was the site of blood. WE SEE A MONTAGE OF SCENES OF THE KIDS AND MURRAY WITH BAD CUTS, HAVING BLOOD DRAWN, HOCKEY FIGHTS ON TV, ETC. AND EVERY OTHER SHOT IS OF BEVERLY FAINTING. WE FLASH BACK TO ERICA TAKING BEVERLY BY THE ARM AND LEADING HER TO THE TABLE. ERICA Mom, come with me. Lainey! Wine! Stat! LAINEY SCURRIES TO GRAB A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE IN THE REFRIGERATOR. SHE FINDS A GLASS IN ONE OF THE CABINETS AND RUNS OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE BEVERLY IS SITTING. SHE QUICKLY POURS BEVERLY A GLASS. The Goldbergs "Rubiks' Revenge" 11. ERICA (CONT’D) (talking to Beverly like a baby) Heeeerrrrrre ya go, momma. That's it. Sip slowly. Gooooood girrrrrl! BEVERLY SIPS THE WINE AND SHE SEEMS TO SNAP OUT OF IT. LAINEY Mrs. Goldberg, are you ok?? MURRAY Beverly and blood don't jive, Lainey.