Arrested Development
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
arrested development "A Family Reunion" written by Julien Perez "A Family Reunion" FADE IN: EXT. CHAPEL - NEWPORT BEACH - DAY MICHAEL BLUTH stands on the steps of a quaint chapel with GEORGE-MICHAEL beside him. They both wear suits. RON (V.O.) It had been five years since Michael Bluth had seen anyone from the Bluth family and he found himself unexpectedly nervous to meet them all face to face. GEORGE-MICHAEL Just open the door, dad. MICHAEL You know how I get with funerals. I mean, it's our Uncle Oscar, George- Michael! GEORGE-MICHAEL You said you always knew this call was coming. RON (V.O.) Yes, it's true. Uncle Oscar became an unfortunate statistic that resulted in many people responding to his death with "about time." INSERT: A NEWS HEADLINE - ON FACEBOOK A PHOTO of OSCAR BLUTH with a headline that reads: "FIRST MARIJUANA DEATH CONFIRMED." EXT. CHAPEL - NEWPORT BEACH - CONTINUOUS Michael grabs the handle of the door. He turns to George- Michael. MICHAEL I just know what they're all gonna say... Michael swings the door open. 2. The chapel is completely EMPTY except for FATHER PAPA (40's). He gets startled awake from a nap. A picture of Oscar sits next to the open casket. MICHAEL (CONT’D) Are you kidding me!? FATHER PAPA Sorry, private viewing. MICHAEL We're here for the funeral, father. Father Papa stands up straight. FATHER PAPA Oh, by all means. You can call me Papa. Michael looks to George-Michael and then back to Father Papa. MICHAEL Sorry, I guess you caught me, Papa. I haven't really kept up with the new religious terms. FATHER PAPA No, that's my name. I'm Father Papa. So, you two are family? MICHAEL Yeah. He's my uncle. Father Papa looks to George-Michael. FATHER PAPA What are you, half his age? MICHAEL No. This is my son. (points to Oscar) That's my uncle. Michael turns to George-Michael. MICHAEL (CONT’D) Can you believe this? Not one person showed up. GEORGE-MICHAEL I mean. Yeah. 3. MICHAEL Father, how long can we keep his casket here? FATHER PAPA Well, he's scheduled to go in the ground in about, oh, thirty minutes or so. MICHAEL Is there anyway you can hold off for a few hours? I just need some time to round up our family. This man doesn't deserve this. FATHER PAPA Well... I guess I can re-schedule it to a later time slot. MICHAEL Thank you! Come on, George-Michael. INT. BLUTH PENTHOUSE - BALBOA TOWER - LATER Michael opens the front door to his parent's penthouse. RON (V.O.) Michael and George-Michael arrived at the Balboa tower to a startling discovery. TOBIAS FUNKE, in zombie make-up and daisy duke shorts, turns to face them. Michael jumps. MICHAEL Holy S**t! GEORGE-MICHAEL Tobias? TOBIAS Michael! George-Michael! Oh happy day! MICHAEL What are you doing here? Where is everyone? TOBIAS If you're referring to the rest of Bluth gang, I must admit I haven't seen them in quite a while. 4. GEORGE-MICHAEL What's with the zombie make-up and... who's that over there? A buff and shirtless guy, ATTICUS (30's) sits in front of a laptop, on the couch. He's dialed in. TOBIAS Oh, that's just my good friend, and writing partner, Atticus. We met on the set of what we in the industry call a "pilot." INT. HOSPITAL - SOUND STAGE (FLASHBACK) Tobias mimics talking to a FEMALE NURSE. He wears medical scrubs. RON (V.O.) Tobias recently found success as a background extra on a number of failed network television shows. PULL OUT WIDE Tobias is in the background as JASON ALEXANDER takes the lead on a scene. RON (V.O.) (CONT’D) There, he met a familiar group of extras that call themselves the "Out of Focus Group". They all had big dreams of success and above the line placement. INT. GREEN ROOM - SOUND STAGE (FLASHBACK CONT'D) Tobias and the OUT OF FOCUS group sit in a small room. ATTICUS (tears) When people see me all they see are these... Atticus gestures to his large chest. Tobias looks him up and down. He stops on his crotch. TOBIAS That's not all we see. 5. ATTICUS I want to show the world I can be more than just Intimidating Inmate number two! INT. CRAFT SERVICES - SOUND STAGE (FLASHBACK CONT'D) Tobias scans the crafty table. He stands behind ISSA REA and eavesdrops on her conversation. RON (V.O.) One day, while on set, he found himself behind Insecure star, Issa Rea talking about her hit web-series that led to a full series order, from HBO. ISSA REA ...I don't think it could ever happen again. I mean, I was so lucky. RON (V.O.) This gave him an idea. Tobias's eyes light up and he hurries away. INT. GREEN ROOM (FLASHBACK CONT'D) Tobias rushes toward Atticus. TOBIAS Atticus, I know how to break in! We must write and shoot a web series! Let's gather the Out of Focus group and bring ourselves In focus! RON (V.O.) And so, Tobias began writing his web show about a never-nude zombie. INT. BLUTH APARTMENT - BALBOA APARTMENTS - PRESENT TOBIAS It's called Never-Dead! MICHAEL I don't know if we needed the whole story. (then) Did no one know about Uncle Oscar? His funeral was today and not one of you showed up. 6. TOBIAS Oh, pish-posh Michael, can't you see we're busy writing our destiny! ATTICUS (interjects) I found the wi-fi password! TOBIAS Let the script writing commence! MICHAEL Tobias. Do you know where the rest of the family is? TOBIAS I can't say that I do, Michael. But, then again, I do know that Gob is hiding out at the beach house. GEORGE-MICHAEL How about Maeby? TOBIAS Oh, she's probably at the Loob office with that mother of hers. MICHAEL Good thinking George-Michael. We have to split up. You go get Maeby and Aunt Lindsey and get them to meet at the chapel. I'll go and get your Uncle Gob. Come on. Michael and George-Michael leave the room. Tobias leans over Atticus' shoulder. TOBIAS No, no, no. My name goes first. INT. LOOB OFFICE - DAY George-Michael walks into a pristine office. White walls and a chic interior. He walks up to an impatient RECEPTIONIST. GEORGE-MICHAEL Is Maeby Funke in the office? RECEPTIONIST I don't know, maybe. GEORGE-MICHAEL Isn't she your boss? 7. MAEBY George-Michael! George-Michael looks passed the receptionist to MAEBY FUNKE in a blazer with a t-shirt underneath. GEORGE-MICHAEL Maeby! Look at you. You're-- MAEBY A Loob girl! She models the t-shirt. It reads: "LOOB." RON (V.O.) A few years back, Lindsey and Maeby decided it was best to bury the hatchet and start over as mother and daughter. INT. WHOLE FOODS - (FLASHBACK) LINDSEY BLUTH drags her hand across bags of chips. LINDSEY Ugh, why are we here... MAEBY Lindsey, stop! You're acting like a child! If you're gonna learn to cook for yourself, you better get used to going to the grocery store. LINDSEY Oh, shut it. You're not my mother, daughter. MAEBY You're making a scene! Lindsey picks up a jar from the shelf and drops it. It shatters. LINDSEY I don't know what you're talking about. A WORKER at the end of the aisle approaches them. WORKER Hey! Don't just walk away! You're gonna pay for that. 8. LINDSEY Oh, please. You don't think I can afford a jar of -- oh my god! Thirty dollars!? For... (reads the label) Asparagus water? WORKER Yeah and you're going to pay full price! Lindsey gets lost in thought. RON (V.O.) And, for the first time she could remember, Lindsey had an idea. INT. BLUTH PENTHOUSE - BALBOA TOWER (FLASHBACK CONT'D) Lindsey holds court in the living room. Maeby and Tobias are present. LINDSEY All we have to do is package some bullsh*t product, give it a fancy name -- maybe, I don't know, tell them it'll tighten up your vagina -- and then, charge them up the ass. MAEBY I've never been more prouder to be your daughter. Tobias raises his hand. TOBIAS I don't get it. Where do I fit in, in all this? LINDSEY We'll call it Loob! For Lindsey Bluth. MAEBY We can work on the name. INT. MAEBY'S OFFICE - LOOB - PRESENT George-Michael looks around Maeby's office. Her desk is covered in assorted knick-knacks. 9. MAEBY I'm telling you George-Michael. These rich idiots will buy anything! GEORGE-MICHAEL You don't feel like you're just ripping people off? MAEBY Oh, George-Michael. Never change. GEORGE-MICHAEL So, I guess things are better from last time we talked? MAEBY Oh. Yeah, never better. At that moment Lindsey, pops her head in with a MALE EMPLOYEE. LINDSEY Maeby, I thought I told you to fire this one! MAEBY Umm, Lindsey, that's a different guy. LINDSEY Oh, really? Well, fire him anyway. I don't like his face. (then) Oh, hey George-Michael. GEORGE-MICHAEL Hi Aunt Lin-- Lindsey walks away. MAEBY (to employee) Just go to your desk. Continue your work. She won't even remember this. MALE EMPLOYEE Thank you. George-Michael looks to Maeby. She relents.