_"•• couv www.vancouverspun.com WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,2002 IsOOfi'i! j iifturcM

V/ •TEEN S STEAM KEEPING WE'RE BEJN& >CARf FAST THE SMACK MULTI­ OUT OF CULTURAL! * *~N TINSELTOWN v.^ ^jSn*tT 3 AS Doctors in irresponsible By JEFF LOO tions of all after-hours surger­ ies have a significant impact on Amber Johnson didn't think patients in the province, Pm still B.C. doctors' job action would not sure everyone grasps the VICTORIA—The provincial ever affect her. magnitude of B.C.'s medical cri­ government, anticipating 'yes' Johnson, 29, isn't pregnant. sis," said Dr. Maiktham Bigger, votes on next month's eight-ques­ She hasn't been anesthetized for president of the B.C. Society of tion treaty referendum, revealed anything. And exercising six times Cosmetic Surgeons. its innovative new strategy for a week, she's hardly at risk for Bigger said he is sorry that future treaty negotiations with medical conditions such as heart patients waiting for face lifts B.C.'s aboriginal people. disease and diabetes. will be used so shamelessly as The plan, which the Premier But when Johnson learned yes­ pawns by physicians, but that unveiled during a Liberal terday that B.C. doctors would B.C. doctors are angry at the fundraiser last night, calls for step up their job action against provincial government for over­ the formation of cavalries to the provincial government by turning part of their arbitration negotiate with First Nations withholding plastic surgeons' award, which gave them pay groups face to face. cosmetic services, the serious­ raises. "When the people of this ness of B.C.'s medical crisis finally "We consider ourselves to be province vote yes to the refer­ hit her. as useful and as legitimate to endum next month," said Pre­ "I wanted to get my nose done the medical industry as brain mier Campbell, "they're going next month," she said. "Now I surgeons. We felt that if we with­ to be sending a clear message just don't know what I'll do! In held our essential services, the on how treaty negotiations all seriousness, I have no idea government would have to stand should take place. That's where how I can cope with this. up and take notice." the cavalry comes in." "And I was supposed to get my And the government has. Campbell explained that the boobs retouched this weekend," "Doctors are just making cavalry's role will be similar to added Johnson, a waitress at another irresponsible move. This that of the U.S. Cavalry, armed Hooter's on Robson. "The sili- halt to cosmetic surgery is tak­ groups that wandered the Amer­ cc>n§'§ beeii shifting, and ifs been ing things just a little too far," ican plains following the Civil really af fectin g my tips at work. said an irate Premier Gordon Wai; killing First Nations peo­ What am I going to do now?" Campbell. But he remained firm ple to make the area safe for But B.C.'s plastic surgeons say on his stance, and refused to frontiersmen. they want to do their part for the offer anything new to the doc­ "Everyone knows that Custer doctors, whose spiteful job action tors for negotiations. died at Little Big Horn," said has left British Columbians in "I have some Canadian Tire the Premier. "What we're say­ the lurch for several months. dollars in my drawer at home, I ing is, 'What if he didn't die? "Even though emergency guess they could have those if What if he were in British room shutdowns and cancella­ they wanted," he said. Columbia right now? What would he do?'" "I jus' can't wait to shoot* us some injuns," the Premier admitted later in the night. Universe seems "Hoo-whee!" Despite his enthusiasm, the Premier denied charges that the policy would be racist or dark, scientists genocidal. "That's ridiculous. I like smoked salmon and moccasins. The Redskins are my favourite 3dV li J ILr VJ.CIIMW' football team. Some of my best friends are Indians. This policy By HUGO CHRISTIE The study has been heavily is about fulfilling the mandate criticized here in Canada, where given to us by the hard-working The universe may appear grassroots organizations have people of this province, not about bluish-black in color, but in fact been circulating petitions that some lazy minority groups." it's much paler, scientists say. demand the U.S. physicists retract First Nations groups could not DENISE HOWARD/VANCOUVER SPUN A team of eight physicists at their discovery. be reached by press time. Oh Premier Campbell tearing it up at last night's Liberal fundraiser at Victoria's Empress Hotel, the California Institute of Tech­ "Dude, just take a look at the well. Whatever. "it's firewater!" exclaimed an excited Campbell. nology (CalTech) discovered last sky!" said Port Coquitlam car week that the universe, previ­ mechanic Darren Stewart, a sig­ ously believed to be kind of dark, natory to the petition. "It's so is actually beige. obviously blue! Look, I took pho­ "The universe could, I sup­ tos and did a color-match against Terrorist suspect in Abbotsford linked to bin Laden pose, be sort of cream-colored my wife's paint swatches. For By CHARLES SKELETON dogs> searched the building while falsely accused. or off-white, but Fm pretty con­ God's sake, even when it's dark policemen tried to calm the hys­ "This is obviously not a ter­ vinced further data will prove out, it looks blue!" Ihe Provincial Court was evac­ terical crowd gathered outside. rorist attack," said the lawyer. r definitively th&t it's beige," said Scientists at other universities uated yesterday after citizens "For now, it's just important "A colourful turban should not Prof. Thomas Lindner, spokesper­ have been trying to replicate the reported seeing a man plant a to remain calm. We will not tol­ be grounds for suspicion." son for the scientists. "However, CalTech physicists' results, so far bomb in the building. erate any form of terrorism in But witness Abagail Brighton we're not totally 100 per cent with little success. The suspected terrorist, 31- Abbotsford," said RCMP spokes­ said Professor Quirrell was using '4 • •"? fn sure of our conclusions yet "I don't doubt the evidence year-old Professor Quirrell, was person Barry White. the turban to hide Osama bin because we had to infer a lot of those CalTech guys," said seen running out of the Abbots­ Although no one was hurt dur­ Laden. 7 from limited data." University of Toronto physics ford building at approximately ing the evacuation, a small boy "Why do you think Bush has­ Extrapolating from electro­ professor Steve McEwan. 3pi$, after leaving a Tupperware fainted when the turbaned man n't been able to find him yet? magnetic radiation measure­ "We've just being having a lit­ container with a half-eaten spoke to him. White would not It's because Professor Quirrell's IS-1. ments collected around the world tle trouble over here locating apple. Bystanders said the man's release the boy's identity, but been hiding him in his turban!" over the past four years, the sci­ beige in the visible-light spec­ turban made him an immedi­ said he was about 10 years old, "When it comes to these tur­ entists determined that the mean trum. We're thinking now that ate suspect. had light-brown hair, and wore ban-wearing men, it's obvious frequency of all electromagnetic it may fall somewhere between The RCMP was alerted imme­ round-framed glasses. that they're up to no good. These radiation in the universe appears red and orange." diately.The bomb squad, includ­ Quirrell's lawyer, Hany McBeD, people all originated from CSIS/CANADIAN GOVERNMENT to humans as beige. Canadian Press ing two highly-trained but cute maintains that his client was Afghanistan," she added. Probably a terrorist. INSIDE Tired of the high cost of babysitting? No sun city. 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"bflHSEUBBarjJ www.littledariing.com/sitting/ canaduh.com A2 THE VANCOUVER SPUN { EDITORIAL } WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,2002

THE VANCOUVER SPUN

PUBLISHED BY JESSE MARCHAND NEWSPAPER CROUP A DIVISION OF DUNCAN M McHUGH PUBLICATIONS, AN AI LIN CHOO COMPANY

SARA YOUNG President and Publisher

. JULIA CHRISTENSEN, Editor-in-Chief NIC FENSOM, Managing Editor • RON NURWISAH, Executive Editor SCOTT BARDSLEY, Stockholm Bureau • LAURA BLUE, Head Dork HYWEL TUSCANO, tight Pants • SARAH MacNEILL MORRISON, Titties ALICIA MILLER, Carpet:Cleaner • GRAEME WORTHY, Masseur BECKY KOSKELA, Editorial Page Editor • KATHLEEN DEERING, Jell-0 TRISTAN WINCH, The Man • TARA WESTOVER, The Provider CHRIS SHEPHERD, Westsiiiide • MICHAEL SCHWANDT, Coke Head ROB NAGAL Elections Scrutineer • STEVE OLDRIDGE, Useless DORY KORNFELD, Ad Director • ANNA STEVENSON, Ad Designer TED CHEN, Sleepy • DONALD PRIME, Coffee Boy

New softwood lumber strategy: Ready to roll

The United States has imposed an Greenland are under Canadian con­ outrageous 29 per cent duty on Cana­ trol, we will finally achieve North dian softwood lumber, and the federal America's long-sought five army bonus government has accomplished noth­ every fucking turn. Booyah! ing. If it hopes to actually do some­ With control of North America thing for working Canadians, the secured, we are in the ideal place to federal government will need to see conquer the rest of the world. Asia the world in a new way — like a game just has too many damn borders, so of Risk. no one can ever hold it. Ditto for the The CBC — positively useless In Risk, Canada is the superpower. only other major continent, Europe. We have Alberta, Ontario, Quebec But in North America, we're right Something stinks in Canadian media. No, it's not that illating. But then Spike got knocked up and Caitlin got and the Northwest Territories. That's beside the shithole that is South schmuck Allan Fotheringham, although the last time we busted for anti-war protesting. And we just won't tolerate four, count'em, four army-generating America. Our boys can sweep that met that guy, we thought he could teenage mothers or flower children. territories. The Americans, with continent in one turn, no problemo. (use a bath. No, the source of the Those are just the type of people that Alaska, Western and Eastern U.S, See you on the warm beaches of stench is something much, much are always whining and complaining have three. They just don't match up. Puerto Vallarta! larger than Fotheringham—it's An editorial from about how they can't pay for child­ First we must build up our Risk We also have the advantage of sur­ Canada's 'public' broadcaster, the care, or TJOO hoo, the earth is melt­ card reserves. What better way to do prise. The rest of the world has no CBC. ing.' that than by conquering some of clue as to the armies we've built up For decades, Canadians have Who CBC Radio think it is? There's those puny little African countries? over here. While the U.S. wasted its been forced to endure the insuffer­ CBC Radio 1, CBC Radio 2 and CBC Think about it, Madagascar is just armies in Vietnam, Canada quiedy able programming of the CBC. And Radio 3 — which isn't even on the floating there of the. east coast of stockpiled its army bonus every turn. the tediousness comes, not only A radio! And Brave New Waves. What is Africa, ripe for picking! You know those submarines in the from crappy reporting and ama­ that? It sounds like Brave New Noise We have long had numerical superi­ West Edmonton Mall? They've got teurish production values, but also to us. And don't get us started on Bill ority, but with the tariff and Regis nukes on 'em. All those federal "cen­ from the rotting corpses they have Richardson. Philbin, Americans have gone too far: tres of excellence?" Underground running the whole damn show. And then there's the CBC's whole the time has finally come to role all bunkers. Those Albertan rednecks? I mean, come on! It's 2002 and 'multicultural' schtick. Ben Chin, Ian three red dice and go for the conti­ Pissed off and armed to the teeth. the CBC is still insisting upon Hanomansing, Sudha Krishna. At nent! -* ''" \; • •••••*<-••••*• Our dice are loaded. Make our day,* Canadian^ pfogramyi^g? The {jige ,,rl» .^rv M t n jrt ** «v *J v a . least find some coloured people with Once the United States, Mexico and punks. * has come to wake tipr and take a ~- talent! It's like they walked down to whiff off the 21st century. Ameri­ customs and-pickecLupt anyone .walk­ can programming is. where it's at. SUIT HEM NEWS ing off the boat who could say T am All One needs to do is open up a refugee.' copy of The Vancouver Spun, or But what makes us sicker than any­ the National Post, to see that no thing about the CBC is how they've Getting rid of poor people makes one cares about Canadian television anymore. Friends managed to corrupt good Jewish boys like Evan Solomon sells, Emily of New Moon smells. and Ralph Benmergui. Worse still, that Solomon boy is We're the first to admit that, for a short time, we were doing some limp-wristed artsy show. Moses didn't part the B.C. better place fans of Degrassi High. That Joey Jeremiah sure made us Red Sea so we could talk about gentile books on to the chuckle. And his spotty, adolescent skin was absolutely tit- CBC. We spit on the CBC! If there's one thing we at The Van­ get rid of socialized medicine. If you couver Spun can't stand, it's poor can't afford to take care of yourself, people. You know, those squeegee why should we do it for you? It just kids, welfare bums and general doesn't make any sense. Second, elim­ layabouts who leech off the rest of inate welfare benefits. BC is like a us. shiny new skytrain line, you gotta pay The Aspers: a-okay by me! That's why the Spun wholeheart­ your way or get off. Another fringe edly supports the provincial govern­ benefit is that getting rid of soft­ There has been a lot of talk is positively useless. This is not ment's initiatives to rid this province hearted socialist handouts will teach lately, well more like chatter, me simply toeing the company of poor people ... err, we mean the poor proper financial manage­ about the decisions being line, these are my honestly-held poverty. ment. made by Israel Asper and his beliefs. Seriously, I actually Gordon Campbell's New Era for The benefits are numerous. Our family, owners of CanWest believe all this shit. B.C. will usher in a new reich of streets will be cleaner; no more Global, owners of Southam, As for those Southam journal­ prosperity for BC—about bloody unsightly street kids begging for owners of this very paper. It ists who do not share these beliefs, time! We're tired of paying the way money, or addicts shooting up and seems they've ruffled a few too bad for you. I believe there's a of single mothers, 'the oppressed,' blocking the paths of well-dressed feathers, what with their actu- B3rb3f3 welfare office down the street 'the poor,' and 'the disadvantaged.' businessmen. ally owning something. How v Give me a call when you get your Any self-respecting economist Additionally, this will be beneficial scandalous! Media ownership! "3PPY head out of your ass and you're knows that the economy is driven by for our Olympic bid. We'll have to get Give me a break. Someone ready to be a serious journalist. one thing and one thing only—spend­ rid of the poor when the Interna­ has to own the media and it And to the Montreal Gazette and ing! Poor people cannot spend and tional Olympics Committee comes to may as well be someone as savvy as gage. My husband owns his own busi­ The Regina Leader Post, why don't you are therefore a burden on our econ­ town, anyway, so we might as well kill Conrad, uh, I mean, Izzy Asper. ness. If they thought for one second leave your bylines off your stories omy. When was the last time you saw two birds with one stone. Clear the Naturally, though, when there's that they could tell me what to write indefinitely. That way I won't have to a single mom on social assistance put streets now. someone who can manage their money in my column, well I'd be out that read your stupid names when I read a down payment on a shiny new Our film and tourism industry will at the helm of a newspaper, there are door so fast, they wouldn't know your stupid stories. BMW? Do alcoholic bums living in also get a boost. Let^s face it people, cries of media censorship, loss of edito­ what happened. I was a sprinter in There was a protest out front of the Downtown Eastside buy nice new the poor ain't pretty. All those rotting rial control, etc. Hogwash, I say. high school, you know. The Vancouver Spun offices recently, suits at Holt Renfrew? Don't think so. teeth, old smelly clothes and track I haven't noticed any of the so- It just so happens that I share protesting these and other such Our solution is simple: make B.C. marks—disgusting! This isn't the called 'Asperization' of Southam many of the same viewpoints as Mr. things. One of the rabblerousers car­ unbearable for the poor. Fortunately, image we want to present to our Hol­ dailies across the country. I myself Asper. I believe that Israel has every ried a sign reading "Quit wiping the Liberals are already headed in lywood visitors or our tourism indus­ have certainly never been censored. right to do what they want to Pales­ your Asper on my paper!" Well, Fve the right direction. Raising the price try. If those moneymen in Winnipeg tinians^ I believe the federal Liberals got a sign for you: "Quit wiping your of health-care and cutting aid to sin­ The image we do want to present is thought for one second that they are the best party for all of Canada. I whiny, hippie-pinko-Communist com­ gle mothers makes life just that much that of a clean, prosperous B.C. One could touch one of my columns, they believe that Jean Chretien is the plaints on the respectable journalists harder for the unproductive members that obviously doesn't include those have another thing coming. I don't greatest Prime Minister this countiy of this city!" of our society. living below the poverty line. Get 'em need this job. I've paid off my mort­ has ever had. I believe that the CBC [email protected] The next steps are obvious. First, out, the sooner the better! {LETTERS} first they took my favorite aerosol given to you, you just sit on your much. The other day, I was walking my Save the lawn! hairspray off the shelf and now asses all day and refuse to cook a guy purebred dalmation to the doggy dey Cyclists go home! they're trying to make us sign some a meaL Come on, all those feminist care and someone asked me for I am sick and tired of all these hip­ ridiculous Chinese document because chicks say us guys shouldn't stare, but money! I just can't take it anymore. I When my son asked for a bicycle for pies messing up the lawn of the B.C. the earth is getting too warm? Did without abundant topless women, came to Kits for the real-life, commu­ Christmas, I laughed in his face. The legislature because of some'cause.' they not see the snow on the ground how will we learn not to? nity feeL but Fm seriously thinking wife said I was being harsh, but I Fm equally tired of old, crippled peo­ in Vancouver last week? I mean, about moving to Kerrisdale now! ignored her. Why? Because cyclists are ple camping on the lawn just because hello! If the earth is indeed getting JIMMY ARCHER some of the lowest, scummiest, dirtiest the government took away their bus warmer, I say bring it on! Fm sick of Delta LISA HAMILTON low-grades in society and I won't allow pass. My daughter works at the legisl­ paying thousands of dollars on tan­ Vancouver my son to adopt their lifestyle They ature and it gets her in a really bad ning salons each year to maintain a clog up the roads and act as if they're mood when she has to see all those * healthy bronze glow. bloody cars, switching lanes and wear­ yucky tents and 'fringe' people. Cana­ The poor destroy Kits! ing lights and stuff. Instead of letting dian society would be a hell of lot bet­ TRISH STEWART Teachers not Orks my son give in to those hippy leanings ter if we could expel hippies, the Surrey Pm absolutely fed up! Is it too much of youth (for which I blame B.C.'s teach­ disabled and the really elderly. to ask that on a walk to Starbucks, I The Sun's coverage of the B.C. ers), I took my son driving and taught might not be asked for spare change? I Teachers' Federation's ongoing battles him how to surprise lady cyclists by JANICE HILL-SJflTH moved to Kitsilano to get away from with the provincial government has slapping them on the ass. He looked as North Vancouver Topless women wanted this crap! And when I sit outside on a been rather one-sided, painting teach­ happy as I did when my daddy took me restaurant patio, enjoying a glass of ers as if we were evil Orks from The poaching for the first time. Laws may Is it just me, or does it seem like sangria with my husband, I want to see Lord of the Rings. Well, not true. We change over the years, but bike helmets absolutely none of Vancouver's the sceneiy-not the vacant eyes of only teach them. can't stop good clean fun. Global warming is ass women know that it's legal for them some homeless dude! It's bad enough to go out in public topless? Whatever that Kitsilano is full of transient uni­ SUE DICKSON HAROLD WOLANIUK Those crazy environmentalists haye happened to women's lib? You fight versity students, but homeless people West Vancouver Richmond smoked too much marijuana! I mean, for equality, ladies, and when it's who just sit on the street? It's too THE VANCOUVER SPUN

BRUCE LEBRUCE/VANCOUVER SPUN

Just when you thought you could walk shoeless in the park. SECTION ' WER MATNLAT B % AND BRITISH COLUMBIA ^MM^yWn^ff„Z, i ', jrMvJU:, Z„', JU- i&'wz-'ist&iU&Z*<*, 'T i 'y&'-&2/,6iiJi

>* HAPPY EASTER! FROM CECIL TO CEMENT Lumiere chef Rob Weenie hops to it with this Local actress plunges fromnea r stardom and holiday hare. PageB9 Burrard Street bridge. Page B5 Kazemi killed in rap-related gang-war By ANDREW MARKES year Kazemi told The Vancouver "pretenders" to "touch this shit" Spun that joining Westside was Ice Cube, one of the founders Students at University of a natural extension of his career of Westside, was gready impressed British Columbia were stunned at UBC. with Kazemi's lyrics. this week at the news that for­ "After running the show at "That homeboy could really mer Alma Mater Society (AMS) [Place] Vanier and then domi­ put the dis out," Cube said. "His < president, Erfan Kazemi was nating the AMS, I really feel like rough shots at Cypress Hill and \ killed in a drive-by shooting in I can keep moving up, you know student newspapers were the shit, central Inglewood, California. what Fm saying?" said Kazemi. yo. It's just a damn shame that Kazemi had recently joined "Everybody knows that gangsta's he couldn't get his ass on the the rap group Westside Connec­ make the world go 'round and I ground faster. That's what you $ S" tion, and police suspect the affili­ really feel like a big fish in a small get when you come from such a ation is related to his slaying. pond here. Everyone else seems soft city like Vancouver." '" I," His decision to join Westside like a buncha guppies." It is suspected by the Los came after he was cut from Pop- Kazemi made a name for him­ Angles Police Department that '• 7 stars 2 late last year. self by pumping put rhymes on either members of Cypress Hill : fJ: "It was his dancing that killed the streets of the UBC campus or fans of said group were respon­ 7 A J him," said Ivan Molotov, the in between classes and AMS exec­ sible for the drive-by slaying. * - *-.W.ni- to. MARLON SMITH/WEST SIMIIIIDE! show's choreographer. "He looked utive meetings. He was often seen "Witnesses reported a large like he had a pickle up his ass." jamming with that flute guy in cloud of marijuana smoke trail­ Bow Down when you come to my town After a severe bout of depres­ the funky hat, drawing large ing the vehicle in question, which Bow down when we west-ward bound sion after being eliminated, crowds to hear Kazemi expound was a green 1957 Chevy on cuz we ain't no haters like you AN AMS HACK/STUDENT COUNCIL Kazemi turned to gangsta rap. on his qualities as a president hydraulics," said LA Police Offi­ Bow Down to some homles that's greater than you. Shake ya ass! Watch yo self! In a rare interview earlier this and the inability of all the other cer Ian Knightstik. Vancouver Purging and breast implants Fm not paying for looking good in Gotham ass i l#lif"Jt#» li Yi £ J'sTTli i"l exc^sive Malcolm Pervy to complain again because "the Pete McSmartass hospital's too far away." Fucking CHRIS SMUTTALL-NITH crybabies. What if little Johnnie accidently shoots little Susie at 8:01pm again? An extra twenty- minute drive to another hospi­ tal with an overcrowded emergency ward and overworked nurses? I see my words as a breath of fresh air. I believe I speak for the common man when I say that Fm sick of seeing these protesters get upset about every Httle thing: JENNI KIPPER wanted to look bus strikes, tuition hikes, taking good before attending the open­ The chorus of com­ money from tykes. Suck it up! From the inside ing of Indifference, a retrospec­ Out here in Delta, a lot of peo­ tive of the work of German video plaints from teach­ ple see the real world. A few days Tomorrow, Vancouver Spun artist, Kluntz, appearing now at ago, my neighbour told me he is reporter Chris Smuttall-Nith (f )art gallery. Kipper, who had a ers, nurses, single actually in favour of the cutbacks. will file the first in a series of tiny dress to fit into, regularly He is a normal, working guy who dispatches from outside the 'empties the fridge' to look extra mothers, students, lives in the real world, where the Vancouver downtown core. skinny (and therefore hot!). "Purg­ several successful businesses he Look in Thursday's paper for ing makes it easy to live my life welfare recipients, owns, not the government, pay Smuttall-Nith's full-length fea­ the way I want and still look his salary. Like most people, he ture on the bustling, dusty halls great." Here's to innovation! independent legal pays for Christmas and vacations of Burnaby's Metrotown Mall. • down south with Crown contracts Read as Smuttall-Nith surfaces DARREN PALETHORPE isn't boards, the blind, the — he has a speechwriting deal from the hot, musky depths of just any local actor: he's set. to with a Minister of Health. the Metrotown SkyTrain sta­ star as Benjamin in the Stanley's disabled, seniors, the Anyway, living by his wits, my tion only to be faced by a gang 'mounting' of The Graduate and neighbour decided to e-mail the of unruly youths with cellular play opposite Bea Arthur as Mrs poor, minorities, etc. Premier and let him know that phones. Robinson. "I'm totally psyched has become ever so at least one person in BC, besides In fact, Smuttall-Nith's about playing opposite one of Jimmy Pattison and yours truly, undercover reports on mall- the Golden Girls. I even asked out at home! Clevage, an entre­ Dylan, Chal, above, hit the tiresome. thinks he is doing a good job. rat culture across Metrotown Estelle Getty for tips on work­ preneur with an eye for curves lines after a night of ass- All of those people protesting Centre's men's bathrooms, com­ ing with Bea. I think ifs gonna has recently launched Tits™, her shaking. Claudia Clevage, outside the provincial Legisla­ monly regarded as the premier be great" Toronto gets Kathleen line of do-it-yourself breast below, shows off her Tits™ Is it just me Mid Gordon Camp­ ture complaining that the Pre­ meeting-place for Vancouver's Turner and we end up with implants. She's helped a number Jennl Kipper, bottom left, bell or are any other right-wing mier doesn't give a damn about most dangerous mall rats, has Dorothy Zbornak. I hate this of her best buds look their finest 'empties the fridge' before middle-aged white males starting B.C. citizens would be shocked already created a stir in Lower town. for big, exclusive events that only the big do. to think, to heck with them all? to know my neighbour got a per­ Mainland mail-security circles. - • sweaty, middle-aged reporters First, it was those greedy teach­ sonal response! The very next The Vancouver Spun origi­ CLAUDIA CLEVAGE has a like myself would have access to. ers fighting for Michael Jordan- day! nally planned to send Smut­ solution for those who want that • esque wages and smaller class My neighbour told me that tall-Nith, a reporter with the buxom look without the fuss of DYLAN knows how to 'blow* sizes. Then it was doctors, strik­ Campbell broke down in the e- newspaper for the past two expensive breast implants: 'bust' off a little steam after a night of ing because the government had mail. Even Jesus Christ was years, to Afghanistan to cover partying hard. Dylan, Vancou­ to break a few stupid contracts. killed when He brought truth American and Canadian troop ver's newest celebrity hair-styl­ And throughout it all, there's to the world, so it makes sense actions. He managed, however, ist, was caught outside of those omnipresent unions at that the prophetic voice of Gor­ 1 "-""" +loading+bay+, an ultra-exclu­ every fucking protest that the don Campbell would meet a bit to fuck up his visa applications 1 and get kicked out. Whatever. ' ti * sive after-hours speakeasy to journalists with less seniority of adversity. Metrotown, Shaughnessy, which I just happen to have exclu­ than me have to cover. "You've got to help us out," Kerrisdale, White Rock: What sive access. He and his ladyfriend, Li Delta, my neck of the woods, Campbell wrote. "This tax cut does central Asia have that Chai, indulge in a little Bolivian some people are freaking out thing is killing me. And Gary Vancouver can't top? From Marching Powder, which is—you because the government proposed Collins is ready to quit and go Beirut to Burnaby, Chris Smut­ know — totally casual. It, like, closing the hospital's emergency back to that flying school where happens all the time. No big deal tall-Nith keeps us in touch with .£$£& i ward at nights. These people are I found him. I might have to get the darkest corners of the rfia1colmpervy®shaw.ca going to give themselves a heart an actual economist or something world. w , --**"•u. • V 604-929-8456 attack! And then they're going to be finance minister."

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Visit WWW.llttiedarling.com/rental to search by ethnicity, age, sex and special talents. Disclaimer: "cookies, diapers and stories not included." THE VANCOUVER SPUN KTAINMENr .gf-ZHfJ '^'^.•j^jjLjLLJ','. r.">* B2 EDITOR LUCYHYSDOP604^05-2037/ FAX6QW05-2521/ E-mail tyslop@paq)iessioutham.ca WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002

Nickelback Coming back home armed to Victoria-native Nelly Furtado to take the teeth well deserved rest after crazy By JEREMY HANDLER The Canadian music indus­ try has turned on him. His international two-song tour band broke up. His last album sucked. Just when we thought By KERRY MOLD of local boys, the Moffatts, that made her \-C it couldn't get any worse for want to be a star. After meeting her man­ Matthew Good, it has. The past week has been a terrifying ager during a lonely night at a bar, her Apparently, Nickelback ordeal for Nelly Furtado. Fans in Zurich career was on its way. frontman Chad Kroeger meant and Kathmandu booed Furtado off stage "He's kind of a dick but he's making me it when he told Rolling Stone after they realized she could only sing two a lot of cash," she said of her manager. -r*T» last year that Matthew Good songs. Furtado has also come under recent had better watch his back. The Even the amazing pyrotechnics could not attack by parents' organizations who feel Canadian Security Intelligence distract fans from noticing that the show her image is sending the wrong message Service (CSIS) issued a report was only 20 minutes long. Fans first showed to teenage girls. to the Prime Minister yester­ their displeasure during her opening song "My mom wouldn't let me watch her in day confirming that Kroeger when she came out onstage in a tight, concert because she wears those big hoop purchased 12 uzis, five grenade tummy-bearing shirt. earrings. You know what those kinds of girls launchers and 18 kevlar vests "That's not the same midriff I saw in are like," said Molly Lum, a Vancouver last week from an unnamed FHM magazine!" protested Henrich Spleen- teenager. Internet vendor from Iran. dich, an outraged fan, during Furtado's "She looks like a whore!" said Lum's CSIS has been monitoring show in Zurich. mother, Ann. "I mean, only pregnant teenage Kroeger's Internet activity "She's a lot oranger in person, too," he girls wear earrings like that!" ever since the fledgling hacker added with disgust. But nevertheless, Furtado does have fans sabotaged a MuchMusic online After the show, in an exclusive interview that are sticking by her side. Two 14-year- chat session featuring his rival, with Swiss newspaper DasSpung, Furtado olds from Sooke hawked tickets to her Matt Good. Since then, CSIS was quite happy that someone had noticed recent concert in Victoria by telling fellow has found records showing that the midriff switch. "I thought only my ex- students that *NSYNC would be there. the Alberta-bred Kroeger boyfriends would notice," she giggled. "I just appreciate that I have fans who made over 15 international "I've had a lot of boyfriends, actually," try to propel my career," she said, "even if weapons purchases, including she said. "Male attention makes me feel it is only two." one for a small shipment of important, more important than that bitch "Two's a good number," she added, "I.like stinger missies from Kaza­ Alicia Keys for stealing the new artist award it." khstan. from me. She must have been sleeping with Sun Pop Music Critic For now, CSIS is sitting on a judge." kmold@pacpr$ss.southam.ca the information because Nick­ After a little probing from Das Sprung, elback is actually making it Furtado reluctantly admitted that perhaps Nelly Furtado, formerly of big in the. U.S.—something she just wasn't as good as Keys. quite rare for a Canadian band. Victoria, has won a Grammy %:albums Breaking Out •Mr*'-- ' / saw one of those walking towards CGI is ruining our livelihood," Cho and Laundry Duty both went platinum birthday parties them," Booker said. said. in the U.S. and Canada. Their third and "He's a brilliant military strategist The MAU has called for a boycott final album, Penetr8, is due for release Matthew Good attempted to As a follow up to his recent success to boot The Ewoks, a primitive tribe of the remaining Tolkien films. "We're later this year. invoke the federal Irony Act, as the voice of a donkey in the animated of fuzzy Jim Henson creatures, were willing to picket and protest. We've Canadian Press by requesting that it not look movie Shrek, former Hollywood star able to fight off imperial storm troop­ got nothing left to lose," he said. 'bad' for him. Dumbass. SECTION THE VANCOUVER SPUN D SPORTS £"s.3z:,„?*'::s,z EDITOR UJCYHYSLOP 6OW05-2037/ Effi604-605-2521/E-maflljslop@paq)ress.southam.ca WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002

DENNIS HOWARTH/VANCOUVER SPUN Running for the bus to train for the Vancouver Spun Run. The Road to the Spun Run(tm) Do the by LINDON LIGHT daily workouts prescribed by The varsity cross-country and stuff. explains. "Fm not running any employed by international-cali­ Spun's expert coaching consult­ He totally motivated me," Paul goddamn 20 kilometres a day, bre runners, came as a foreign In January, The Vancouver Spun ants. reminisces. "I mean, not exactly and Fm sure as hell not doing it concept to our fledgling selected a regular young adult, "Did I do my long run this to get up at 5:30 every morning. barefoot" endurance athlete. UBC student Paul Clark, and reg­ morning? Not exactly," he And definitely not to stick to a Instead, Paul strives for con­ "Frankly, that heart-rate mon­ istered him in our expert-approved laments. "I was up late watch­ strict hi-carb diet or whatever. sistency. Although he has not itor is a silly piece of shit," says Dew training preparation program for ing the game, and then trying to And not really so much to be run­ been able to lengthen his long Paul. "I'll be out running, like the 2002 Spun Run. With this put in some work on my term ning all the time. But it was runs according to The Spun's pro­ sweating and everything, and it training schedule, and with top­ paper, so I kind of slept in. But totally motivating when he'd gram, he cross-trains by playing says I'm not even in my 'train­ flight equipment provided by The I totally had to book it to catch always have new medals and intramural volleyball, and lift­ ing range.' Then Fm in my Eng­ Mountain Spun (see advertising supplement the bus to campus, so I counted stuff, totally motivating." ing weights once a week lish exam, trying to remember for more details), we hope to bring that as yesterday's short run." Indeed.healthy admiration of "You might not guess it, but I something about Titus, like any­ out the athlete within him, Paul has not always attended his discipline's very best athletes used to be pretty ripped, back thing whatsoever about Titus, Dew- whether he likes it or not. This is to The Spun's training plan so keeps Paul focused on his Spun in the day," says Paul, modestly. and the thing's beeping like crazy. part 12 in a 16-part series. diligently, however. Run goals. Even when a cold "Fve totally gone downhill since I got kicked out of the room Today, we give you another "I read the whole training plan forced him to skip an evening I got into partying and whatnot, before I even finished my intro­ flavoured snapshot of Paul's ongoing roller- on the first day of niy program, run this week, Paul's mind was but I try to maintain some mus­ duction. Thanks a lot, Vancouver coaster ride of physical, emo­ and lots of it is just a waste of on running. By renting Disney's cle size. Just for the ladies, you Spun." • tional and mental tribulations. my time," says Paul. "Like, hon­ Endurance from Blockbuster know." True, the trials of the com­ snow With Only four weeks before the estly, a 30-minute warm-up walk, Video(tm) (see advertising sup­ Paul also sticks to the exclu­ petitive athlete are many, but big race, th^ 2002 Vancouver then aten-minute jog, theii a 20- plement), Paul wasr able to put sive Vancouver Spun recom­ the inspiration is immense. The Spurt Ruh(tih)i we' catch Paul minute cool-down walk? Are you his down-time to good use. mendation of drinking eight cups Vancouver Spun promises to unveiled between training sessions, try­ joking? Walking around for an "I heard that all the usual Spun of water each day. show you every one of Paul's ing to chew a Powerbar(tm) hour isn't gonna get me through Run winners are from Kenya, or "That hydration thing is a good painful steps toward personal By DANNY ARSEKISS (donated by The Spun). your 10k run." He continued, vis­ Ethiopia or wherever, so I thought plan, and pretty easy for me to victory. See next week's Road to "This is about ten times harder ibly frustrated. "Fm hoping that Fd watch that flick about the one work into my schedule. I usually the Spun Run(tm), where we'll Sweet-toothed skiiers every­ than I thought it would be," Paul a friendly taxi will get me dude, to see what their deal is, put away a few cups of H-two-0 find Paul as he joins the Ath­ where had new reason to rejoice sighs. "Not the Powerbar, that is. through it, honestly." maybe change my training even," after I go drinking, and I think letics Canada national endurance yesterday when Pepsico The whole running thing. The Clark draws his enthusiasm he says. that makes me way less hung- group for a high-altitude train­ spokespersons announced a Powerbars have been okay, from many sources, including Although impressed by what over for class the next morning." ing camp in Switzerland. For this breakthrough in snow-making thanks." inspirational athletes he has met he learned, Paul is realistic about Not all of The Spun's training endeavour, we will be outfitting technology: Mountain Dew A busy University student, "In first year, I had this one modifying The Spun's plan this methods come so naturally to him with the very best in New flavoured snow. Paul says that he doesn't always roommate in [UBC residence] late in the program. PauL though. Use of a heart-rate Balance(tm) running shoes (see "This'll be the tastiest yellow have time to put in the twice- Totem [Park], who was, like, into "I was like, fuck that!" he monitor, a training toolcommonl y advertising supplement). snow ever, and Fve eaten a lot in my lifetime," said spokesper­ son Gillian Howe at a press con­ ference yesterday in Vail, Colorado. Howe then removed a giant Famous skaters have freakish baby! blue tarp covering the mysteri­ ous large box behind her to reveal the Dew 2100, a Mountain Dew Sale and Pelletier blush over bluish child snow machine. "Kids on the slopes are all By DOUG BORED prompted wide speculation about the about 'Doing the Dew'™, but origins of the child. until now, they've had a huge Canada's most celebrated couple, David "Jaime Sale was obviously impregnated problem," she said. "Optimal Pelletier and Jaime Sale, had their first by the Russians in a ploy to destroy our boarding conditions require sub­ child at 3:17pm Eastern time yesterday. celebrity romance," Pelletier said furi­ zero temperatures, but when it/s The unusual events surrounding the sur­ ously. "The choking responsibility of par­ freezing out, normal Mountain prise birth, however, have piqued peo­ enthood will hinder our ability to milk Dew is rock solid. Until today. ple's curiosity around the world. our Olympic gold for all it's worth in "Do the Dew," Howe added. "I was totally shocked," Sale told endorsement deals." Assembled punks, hicks and reporters after a quick recovery in the "Fat chance," was Sale's reply. "We're ski bums greeted the Dew 2100 maternity ward. "I didn't even know I was the biggest Canadian export since Celine enthusiastically. pregnant All I know is, I was out on the Dion. Ain't nothing gonna slow us down!" "Shit, man. That's so cool," hill­ ice yesterday, giving it my all. And now I Sale and Pelletier have denied media billy Jimmy Hicks said: "Like, have a baby. I?s so weird. He's blue, and access to the baby, however. In fact, only, they must have some phat sci­ that?s weird, too." the couple, their friends, medical staff entists to come up with dat shit" Other absurdities have caused die-hard and a small group from the FBI who vis­ "Sweeeeeeeeet," agreed high fans of the skater couple to question the ited the skaters' home this morning have school drop-out Pete Barker. true paternity of the child. even seen the child. Local ski resort Grouse Moun­ "Pelletier and I have never even done "This is all just a publicity stunt" said tain was listed as one of the 50 the deed," said Sale, visibly confused. "In Tonya Harding during a rehearsal for her hills in North America to be fact, I haven't seen any action since that next appearance on Celebrity Boxing. equiped with the Dew 2100 next wild night in Lillehammer." "They should really be talking about season. Grouse spokesperson Many medical experts have also noted me in the news still. Whose ass do I have Anna King said the resort is that it is odd a bouncing baby, with a to kick these days to make a decent liv­ eager to provide the latest in birthweight of 401bs, 2oz., could actually ing? They're not even real winners you Dew technology to the Vancou­ have come from Sale's small frame. Added know. Judging mistake my ass. It's cause ver public to comments by doctors and family they're pretty." "People sure don't come up friends who claim the baby resembles But we just couldn't resist an oppor­ IKE TIGHTS/VANCOUVER SPUN here for the runs alone." she said. an octopus more than either Sale or Pel­ tunity to run another story on this sweet Sale and Pelletier after what was probably a clean but losing performance. "Yellow snow has always been letier, the birthweight question has adorable couple. remarkably popular." Crawford blames poor performance on voodoo

By GARRY FREEMASON like to repeat it, because it was so hor­ room fire pit belonged to Coach Marc have admitted that superstitions have conference, surprised the media by say­ rific," he continued, "but I saw them eat­ Crawford. helped advance their sporting careers. ing that he was relieved by the dress­ RCMP Constable Ann Dreaded held ing what looked like raw cow hearts and This turn of events is most surpris­ However, many voodoo experts are ing room discovery. The Canucks coach, a press conference downtown yesterday dancing around a blazing pentagram on ing, said Dreaded, seeing as how dumbfounded by the Canucks misuse who was recently diagnosed with a rare to share with the public details on an the dressing room floor. I blew chunks "voodoo magic is traditionally used of sacred voodoo magic. Lulu Laymon, hair loss disorder, as well as a number investigation currently underway on Van­ right there...I just couldn't take it" against the opposing teams, not against president of the B.C. chapter of the of other serious health complications, couver's own NHL team. Upon entering the dressing room, the yourselves." She added that the Canucks Voodoo Practitioners Union, said the says he has a "hunch" that these ail­ Investigators were appalled two weeks RCMP found what Dreaded called "a have always been "typical jocks," but Canucks have further shamed a reli­ ments will be cured now that the voodoo ago when they answered an anonymous heinous, disgusting display of bad sports­ that this display of "blatant stupidity" gion that has continually come under has stopped. tip regarding"suspicious " material found manship." Amidst the usual smell of was exceptional. attack by "fools who just don't under­ Crawford added that this bizarre in the Canucks' dressing room. dank, stale body-odor and leftover In a special Vancouver Spun report last stand." She added that members of case of "reverse voodoo" might be "I saw some really weird behavior Chunky chicken soup was the unmis­ year, we found that superstition is at an the union will be congregating outside the reason behind the Canucks' poor going on in the dressing rooms before takable odor of burnt human hair. all-time high in the world of professional GM Place tonight to perform a special performance. But if Laymon has her games" said a GM Place custodian, who DNA testing confirmed that the sports. Top-notch athletes like Venus cursing ritual. way, the Canucks' performance will wished to remain nameless. '1 don't realty hair found in the makeshift dressing Williams, Tiger Woods and Hulk Hogan Crawford, who was present at the press only worsen. ...©o |7 CM I iciitiinc! "IM o (time / 3 efeveA ) Q W Z Q w Getting rid of prostitution — and prostitutes! z~ rostitution has long n't do anything until people got been a problem for Van­ grouchy and started to complain. )> couverites. Streetwalk­ So then we went to some pig ers have always made farm in the boonies we had heard t J > D our streets less attractive,what about years ago and arrested * « ' O with the gaudy make up and CJ some guy that women's centres too-tall boots. But what to do and prostitutes had told us about about it? We've tried to punish a long time ago. w the pimps, we've tried to pun­ And it's all worked out.We got ish the Johns and, lord knows, rid of prostitutes, most of whom we've tried to punish the pros­ were drug addicts anyway, and titutes, all with little success. we placated the people that We've tried to move them, we've cared about them disappearing. made it harder for them. It And the best part, Mayor Philip seemed like nothing would Owen is resisting calling an , s work. Actually/nothing'did work! inquiry into the way we've han­ That's right—doing nothing dled the case.Thanks Phil. Maybe worked like a charm, especially you aren't such a lame duck when prostitutes from the Down­ mayor after all! town Eastside started disap- If only we could get those pearing.The less we did, the more junkies todisappear as easily as they disappeared. In fact, we did­ the prostitutes did! \ Who needs constitutionally protected freedoms? We at the VPD think that Van­ didn't go Rodney King on all of ; couverites are a bunch of your ungrateful asses. ungrateful whining brats. You And we don't want to hear think it's easy to shoot rubber another word about Vancouver 7 bullets into a crowd/beat up being a no-fun city! Since when protesters or seize hundreds of did you need alcohol to have r ^ _'am * bottles of alcohol in a single fun? You didn't need it to have THE VANCOUVER SPUN night? It's tiring, back-breaking fun when you were 14 and you X work. certainly won't need it now that 'I ^- Ret/Mug you're all grown up! 1 We know that searching your our potential backpack and seizing the alco­ The way we see it a fun city * hol you were planning to drink means a city full of noise com­ snd neogohlni at your friend's house while plaints, petty crimes and gen­ oursuccosu- watching the Symphony of Fire eral no good. It just makes more is 'constitutional/ illegal but we're work for your boys in blue and 0 the police. WE make the laws, not when we're overworked, we get you! Just be grateful that we exer­ cranky. You don't want us cranky, t r cised a little bit of restraint and believe us! Believe VPD. BelieveVPD™ 4

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