_"•• couv www.vancouverspun.com WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,2002 IsOOfi'i! j iifturcM V/ •TEEN S STEAM KEEPING WE'RE BEJN& >CARf FAST THE SMACK MULTI­ OUT OF CULTURAL! * *~N TINSELTOWN v.^ ^jSn*tT 3 AS Doctors in irresponsible By JEFF LOO tions of all after-hours surger­ ies have a significant impact on Amber Johnson didn't think patients in the province, Pm still B.C. doctors' job action would not sure everyone grasps the VICTORIA—The provincial ever affect her. magnitude of B.C.'s medical cri­ government, anticipating 'yes' Johnson, 29, isn't pregnant. sis," said Dr. Maiktham Bigger, votes on next month's eight-ques­ She hasn't been anesthetized for president of the B.C. Society of tion treaty referendum, revealed anything. And exercising six times Cosmetic Surgeons. its innovative new strategy for a week, she's hardly at risk for Bigger said he is sorry that future treaty negotiations with medical conditions such as heart patients waiting for face lifts B.C.'s aboriginal people. disease and diabetes. will be used so shamelessly as The plan, which the Premier But when Johnson learned yes­ pawns by physicians, but that unveiled during a Liberal terday that B.C. doctors would B.C. doctors are angry at the fundraiser last night, calls for step up their job action against provincial government for over­ the formation of cavalries to the provincial government by turning part of their arbitration negotiate with First Nations withholding plastic surgeons' award, which gave them pay groups face to face. cosmetic services, the serious­ raises. "When the people of this ness of B.C.'s medical crisis finally "We consider ourselves to be province vote yes to the refer­ hit her. as useful and as legitimate to endum next month," said Pre­ "I wanted to get my nose done the medical industry as brain mier Campbell, "they're going next month," she said. "Now I surgeons. We felt that if we with­ to be sending a clear message just don't know what I'll do! In held our essential services, the on how treaty negotiations all seriousness, I have no idea government would have to stand should take place. That's where how I can cope with this. up and take notice." the cavalry comes in." "And I was supposed to get my And the government has. Campbell explained that the boobs retouched this weekend," "Doctors are just making cavalry's role will be similar to added Johnson, a waitress at another irresponsible move. This that of the U.S. Cavalry, armed Hooter's on Robson. "The sili- halt to cosmetic surgery is tak­ groups that wandered the Amer­ cc>n§'§ beeii shifting, and ifs been ing things just a little too far," ican plains following the Civil really af f ecting my tips at work. said an irate Premier Gordon Wai; killing First Nations peo­ What am I going to do now?" Campbell. But he remained firm ple to make the area safe for But B.C.'s plastic surgeons say on his stance, and refused to frontiersmen. they want to do their part for the offer anything new to the doc­ "Everyone knows that Custer doctors, whose spiteful job action tors for negotiations. died at Little Big Horn," said has left British Columbians in "I have some Canadian Tire the Premier. "What we're say­ the lurch for several months. dollars in my drawer at home, I ing is, 'What if he didn't die? "Even though emergency guess they could have those if What if he were in British room shutdowns and cancella­ they wanted," he said. Columbia right now? What would he do?'" "I jus' can't wait to shoot* us some injuns," the Premier admitted later in the night. Universe seems "Hoo-whee!" Despite his enthusiasm, the Premier denied charges that the policy would be racist or dark, scientists genocidal. "That's ridiculous. I like smoked salmon and moccasins. The Redskins are my favourite 3dV li J ILr VJ.CIIMW' football team. Some of my best friends are Indians. This policy By HUGO CHRISTIE The study has been heavily is about fulfilling the mandate criticized here in Canada, where given to us by the hard-working The universe may appear grassroots organizations have people of this province, not about bluish-black in color, but in fact been circulating petitions that some lazy minority groups." it's much paler, scientists say. demand the U.S. physicists retract First Nations groups could not DENISE HOWARD/VANCOUVER SPUN A team of eight physicists at their discovery. be reached by press time. Oh Premier Campbell tearing it up at last night's Liberal fundraiser at Victoria's Empress Hotel, the California Institute of Tech­ "Dude, just take a look at the well. Whatever. "it's firewater!" exclaimed an excited Campbell. nology (CalTech) discovered last sky!" said Port Coquitlam car week that the universe, previ­ mechanic Darren Stewart, a sig­ ously believed to be kind of dark, natory to the petition. "It's so is actually beige. obviously blue! Look, I took pho­ "The universe could, I sup­ tos and did a color-match against Terrorist suspect in Abbotsford linked to bin Laden pose, be sort of cream-colored my wife's paint swatches. For By CHARLES SKELETON dogs> searched the building while falsely accused. or off-white, but Fm pretty con­ God's sake, even when it's dark policemen tried to calm the hys­ "This is obviously not a ter­ vinced further data will prove out, it looks blue!" Ihe Provincial Court was evac­ terical crowd gathered outside. rorist attack," said the lawyer. r definitively th&t it's beige," said Scientists at other universities uated yesterday after citizens "For now, it's just important "A colourful turban should not Prof. Thomas Lindner, spokesper­ have been trying to replicate the reported seeing a man plant a to remain calm. We will not tol­ be grounds for suspicion." son for the scientists. "However, CalTech physicists' results, so far bomb in the building. erate any form of terrorism in But witness Abagail Brighton we're not totally 100 per cent with little success. The suspected terrorist, 31- Abbotsford," said RCMP spokes­ said Professor Quirrell was using '4 • •"? fn sure of our conclusions yet "I don't doubt the evidence year-old Professor Quirrell, was person Barry White. the turban to hide Osama bin because we had to infer a lot of those CalTech guys," said seen running out of the Abbots­ Although no one was hurt dur­ Laden. 7 from limited data." University of Toronto physics ford building at approximately ing the evacuation, a small boy "Why do you think Bush has­ Extrapolating from electro­ professor Steve McEwan. 3pi$, after leaving a Tupperware fainted when the turbaned man n't been able to find him yet? magnetic radiation measure­ "We've just being having a lit­ container with a half-eaten spoke to him. White would not It's because Professor Quirrell's IS-1. ments collected around the world tle trouble over here locating apple. Bystanders said the man's release the boy's identity, but been hiding him in his turban!" over the past four years, the sci­ beige in the visible-light spec­ turban made him an immedi­ said he was about 10 years old, "When it comes to these tur­ entists determined that the mean trum. We're thinking now that ate suspect. had light-brown hair, and wore ban-wearing men, it's obvious frequency of all electromagnetic it may fall somewhere between The RCMP was alerted imme­ round-framed glasses. that they're up to no good. These radiation in the universe appears red and orange." diately.The bomb squad, includ­ Quirrell's lawyer, Hany McBeD, people all originated from CSIS/CANADIAN GOVERNMENT to humans as beige. Canadian Press ing two highly-trained but cute maintains that his client was Afghanistan," she added. Probably a terrorist. INSIDE Tired of the high cost of babysitting? No sun city. 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"bflHSEUBBarjJ www.littledariing.com/sitting/ canaduh.com A2 THE VANCOUVER SPUN { EDITORIAL } WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27,2002 THE VANCOUVER SPUN PUBLISHED BY JESSE MARCHAND NEWSPAPER CROUP A DIVISION OF DUNCAN M McHUGH PUBLICATIONS, AN AI LIN CHOO COMPANY SARA YOUNG President and Publisher . JULIA CHRISTENSEN, Editor-in-Chief NIC FENSOM, Managing Editor • RON NURWISAH, Executive Editor SCOTT BARDSLEY, Stockholm Bureau • LAURA BLUE, Head Dork HYWEL TUSCANO, tight Pants • SARAH MacNEILL MORRISON, Titties ALICIA MILLER, Carpet:Cleaner • GRAEME WORTHY, Masseur BECKY KOSKELA, Editorial Page Editor • KATHLEEN DEERING, Jell-0 TRISTAN WINCH, The Man • TARA WESTOVER, The Provider CHRIS SHEPHERD, Westsiiiide • MICHAEL SCHWANDT, Coke Head ROB NAGAL Elections Scrutineer • STEVE OLDRIDGE, Useless DORY KORNFELD, Ad Director • ANNA STEVENSON, Ad Designer TED CHEN, Sleepy • DONALD PRIME, Coffee Boy New softwood lumber strategy: Ready to roll The United States has imposed an Greenland are under Canadian con­ outrageous 29 per cent duty on Cana­ trol, we will finally achieve North dian softwood lumber, and the federal America's long-sought five army bonus government has accomplished noth­ every fucking turn.