Dogfish By Ryan Estrada

(based on characters created by William Shakespeare)

This script is released under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International license. This means you can do whatever you want with it as long as you credit a bro. www.ryanestrada.com [email protected] THE PLAY: Dogfish is a short play originally written for the Busan International Shakespeare Festival. It is full of super nerdy literary jokes, super obscure dirty jokes and super trashy reality tv jokes. If anyone has an equally nerdy venue in which to perform it, they are welcome to do so.

THE CHARACTERS:

Benedick: (from Much Ado about Nothing) Smooth, smarmy dude that talks like a reality TV show host. Will: (as in Shakespeare) Mostly silent, this role calls for a physical comedian. While everyone else is speaking, Will is documenting everything everyone says with a quill and scroll, invading personal space at every opportunity Malvolio: (From Twelfth Night) A stuffy butler in ugly yellow tights. Feste: (from Twelfth Night) A local fool.

DOGFISH BENEDICK Hi, I’m Benedick. A couple years ago, I fell in love... by letter. Turns out my Love-Goddess wasn’t who I thought she was. I thought I fell in love with Beatrice, but Beatrice was actually... Don Pedro. I was heartbroken.

But the weirdest part of it all... Beatrice and I got awkwardly married anyway. Not only that, but my playwright buddy Will and a crew from the Globe Theatre did a play about it that was a pretty big hit! Suddenly my garden was littered with letters. It seemed like everyone wanted to tell me about their bizarre mislaid letter romances! So I decided to hit the road for a traveling production to help people meet their Penpal loves... for the first time. Is the person they’ve fallen for telling the truth? Or (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.

BENEDICK (cont’d) are they concocting elaborate impersonation schemes? Will they find a pucelle? Or puzzel? Dolphin? Or dogfish? Either way, we’re here to help solve the mystery. Malvolio enters the stage MALVOLIO Dearest Benedick. Recently I received a letter in my lady Olivia’s hand giving me clear lights of favour. Bidding me come smiling and cross-garter’d. But when I offered my advances, I was rejected! And summarily imprison’d to a makeshift mental institution. There was never a man so notoriously abused BENEDICK Where is the letter?

MALVOLIO (producing an envelope) It is contained in this very envelope, bearing the inscription "To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes." BENEDICK Why don’t you read it to us?

MALVOLIO (reads aloud) "Jove knows I love, But who? Lips, do not move; No man must know. I may command where I adore, But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore;

BENEDICK So she never actually says your name? MALVOLIO Fie, fie! Wait for the conclusion. "M.O.A.I. doth sway my life." every one of these letters are in my name. Soft, here follows prose. "If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3.

MALVOLIO (cont’d) born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em. Thy Fates open their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants. Let thy tongue tang arguments of state. Put thyself into the trick of singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee." BENEDICK So Olivia is your boss.

MALVOLIO I serve her; she is my lady. There is no obstruction in this. I continue: "Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, The Fortunate Unhappy"" BENEDICK Has your relationship been flirtatious before? MALVOLIO My lady hath been deep in mourning since the death of her dear brother. I dare say there’s not an ounce of frivolity in her. BENEDICK It sounds like she’s clinically depressed. That doesn’t sound like the type of person who would suddenly want to see their butler prancing around in yellow tights. MALVOLIO I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.

MALVOLIO (cont’d) reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered; and in this she manifests herself to my love. BENEDICK How do you know Olivia wrote this letter? Her name isn’t even on it.

MALVOLIO The impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. BENEDICK Well a seal can easily be faked. MALVOLIO By my life, this is my lady’s hand. These be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand. BENEDICK There aren’t any Cs or Ps anywhere on this envelope.

MALVOLIO Are you sure? Let me see that. BENEDICK I think your judgment may have been clouded by her C, U, and T. MALVOLIO I don’t know what that is.

BENEDICK (listing, Malvolio shaking his head at each one) You know.... her Bird’s nest? Withered Pear? Flower? Forfended Place? Netherlands? Pillicock Hill? Salmon’s Tail? Box Unseen? Venus’ Glove? MALVOLIO I’m not current on all these colloquialisms of the modern day.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 5.

BENEDICK It’s the same as her, you know, ’nothing.’ (Will uses hand signals to illustrate)

MALVOLIO Absolutely not! I assure you, I am not making much ado about her... nothing.

(Shakespeare takes note of that. Sounds like a good title.) BENEDICK Well, we wanted to do some investigation. So we spoke with a local fool who has been working for your household to see if he knows what’s going on. MALVOLIO What would a fool know about matters of l-

FESTE Oh hey, there’s that letter! MALVOLIO What? You know this letter? You saw my lady write it? FESTE Who, veil lady? Ha, yeah right, she didn’t right that.

MALVOLIO Pray tell, man. Who? Who? FESTE Ohhhh what’s his name... Drunk Uncle... MALVOLIO Sir Toby? FESTE Not just him. Uhhhh, Fancy Lad... MALVOLIO Sir Andrew Auguecheek?

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 6.

FESTE It was their idea. It was actually written by the housekeeper (I call her housekeeper because God knows she’s no maid!)...

MALVOLIO Maria? All three of them? FESTE And the one who’s obsessed with bear-baiting... MALVOLIO Fabian! Why, I shall tell Sir Topas about this!

FESTE Oh yeah, that was me. They had me put on a beard and pretend to be a priest just to screw with you. MALVOLIO How many people were involved in this? FESTE (counts on his fingers for a bit) Yeah, basically everyone you know. Like, no one likes you. at all. Everyone in this house lies about everything all the time and keeps secrets from each other, but that’s basically the only thing everyone agrees on and is honest about. Nobody likes you. MALVOLIO What about my lady?

FESTE I don’t think she thinks about you enough to dislike you. I don’t think she even noticed you were gone.

MALVOLIO Why hath thou made the most notorious geck and gull That e’er invention play’d on? Tell me why.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 7.

BENEDICK Help us understand. Why did everyone go to all this trouble? FESTE I’m not sure, really. There’s no real reason for it whatsoever. I think everyone was just bored, and leaving letters in gardens to screw with your friends is basically all there is to do for fun in the 16th century. BENEDICK Well of course. MALVOLIO You have done me wrong, Notorious wrong. FESTE And I want to make it clear, they reeeeeally don’t like him.

MALVOLIO I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you! Everyone freezes. Will comes forward.

WILL Six celestial signs hath passed since our tale was first unfolded. So let us check in to see where the fates have found our cast of characters. FESTE I’m right here....

WILL Malvolio found it hard to love again, until while attending a play he caught sight of a beautiful maiden by the name of Francis Flute.

MALVOLIO An actress! (everyone snickers)

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 8.

MALVOLIO Now, I know what they say, that all female parts are portrayed by men... and I do admit, she is a bit... hairier than one might expect, but I hath received this letter from my lady assuring me that she is a maiden and bids me come to her. She says she has a potato finger for me! I don’t know what that means, but it sounds scrumptious! WILL Feste has continued to live a life of merriment.

FESTE (whispering loudly) I wrote the letter. It’s a dude. BENEDICK So I think that we’ve all learned that writing something under someone else’s name is wrong. (a woman appears on stage clutching a love letter) WOMAN Excuse me, I’m looking for Christopher Marlowe...? (Will turns and shrugs. He and the woman silently argue in the background)

BENEDICK Thanks for watching. I am Benedick... MALVOLIO Yes, you have. BENEDICK I said AM. WILL Good night! Will runs off stage. Everyone follows.