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Parenting Coordination for High-Conflict Separated Parents Greg Kovacs, LMFT Upstate Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Parenting Coordinator

M.S., Marriage and Family Therapy, University of New Hampshire M.Phil.., Child and Family Studies, Syracuse University M.S., Data Analytics, University of Maryland Ph.D., Child and Family Studies, Syracuse University (est. 2021)

⚫ www.gregkovacs.com ⚫ https://www.facebook.com/upstatemft 2 3

Welcome Message

At the UMFT Parenting Coordination Program we use the latest research on the effects of high-conflict divorce and separation on children to coordinate with parents, children, attorneys, courts, and other providers to create and enforce a comprehensive and effective coparenting plan Our Vision: We Will Empower Parents To Communicate, Negotiate, And The UMFT Resolve Differences To Help Their Children Thrive

Parenting Our Philosophy: Building On The Foundations Of State-of- The-science Research, We Will Always Be Driven To Understand The Complexities Of Couple Coordination And Family Interactions To Help Parents Overcome Challenging Patterns Of Program Thought, Emotion, And Behavior

4 A Non-confidential, Child-centered Process For High-conflict Divorced Parents Parenting A Form Of Dispute Resolution For Parents In Which Mediation Would Be Inappropriate Or Coordination Ineffective Due To High Levels Of Conflict is . . . Hybrid Role Performed By An Impartial Third Party • High Rates of Litigation and Re-litigation • Parents are Overly Focused On Their Own Needs • Difficulty Viewing Situations From Another’s Perspective What is a • Extremely Sensitive To Criticism • Chronic Inability to Communicate About Child-Rearing Matters • High Levels Of Rigid Thinking High • Distorts Or Misinterprets Information • Focus On Negative Stories Of The Marriage And Separation • Not Held Accountable For Destructive Pre- And Post-Divorce Behaviors Conflict • Behaviors Are Reinforced By The Adversarial Process Of Divorce • Remain Engaged To One Another Through Conflict And Hostility Family? • Often Unable To Trust One Another 6 7

Meetings: I meet with parents and children together and, at times, alone to learn the distinct needs and desires of each family member. The meetings are not mental health counseling. Rather, parents discuss, negotiate, and come to agreement on various coparenting items, including parenting time, transfers, behavior management, vacation arrangements, and parent-parent communication. After any number of meetings a formal Parenting Plan will What the be developed and notarized if there is not already one in place.

Between meetings I maintain contact with parents to ensure that the agreed- Parenting upon Parenting Plan is being adhere to, and I offer support and guidance to parents as needed.

Coordination Between meetings, if I was assigned by Court Order, then I will communicate with the Court, attorneys, and Law Guardians to discuss progress in Process coparenting and adherence to the Parenting Plan. Between meetings I will make referrals, if needed, to mental health professionals and will coordinate and collaborate with those professionals to Looks Like ensure that the child(ren)’s best interests are being managed. If coparenting progress is being maintained, and the child(ren)’s best interests are consistently met, then the Parenting Coordination process will terminate Multi-Factor Intervention Many factors influence children’s adjustment to separation 8 9

• Puts Children in the Middle of their Parent’s Animosity

• Places a Burden on the Child’s Development and Identity Formation

• Impairs Reality Testing Impact of • Interferes with Responsible Parenting High Conflict • Alters the Nature of Parent-Child Relationships • Threatens the Protective Nature of Parents

on • Persistent Fear

Children • Increases Anxiety and Distress

• May Assume an Adult Role

• Behavioral Aggression Cost Professional Bias

Re-litigation rates burden the court Information from community sources system of therapy can be biased due to lack of whole family system engagement

Limitations of Limited Scope Lack of Monitoring Our Legal Courts are unable to provide a Courts are unable to monitor System therapeutic intervention effective for parental behaviors binuclear families

Confidentiality Lack of Resources

Collaboration between the Court Courts have limited financial community resources is limited due resources and manpower to to confidentiality implement comprehensive intervention programs 10 How Families Become Engaged with A Parenting Coordinator

•Parents Can Voluntarily Contact UMFT Parenting Coordination Program

•Consent Order by Court

•Court Order

11 Advantages of a Comprehensive Court Order

• Governs the role of the Parenting Coordinator

• Requires that all parties adhere to the guidelines set forth in the document

• Increases cooperation amongst participants and lessens the likelihood of coalitions between parent and Parenting Coordinator

• Protects the Parenting Coordinator and minimizes role confusion

• May reduce litigation and future court involvement

12 Recommended Elements of a Court Order or Stipulation

• Clear Definition of Parenting Coordinator Role • Clear Terms • Indicate that Parenting Coordination is Non-Confidential • Indicate Scope of Parenting Issues and Concerns • Indicate Whether the Court would like Oral or Written Communication of the Parenting Coordinator • Indicate Conferred Scope and Authority of Decision-Making by the Parenting Coordinator • Indicate Whether the Court would Like Recommendations of the Parenting Coordinator • Indicate Whether Testimony of the Parenting Coordinator will be Required • Indicate How Parenting Coordination Fees will be Allocated Between Parents (50/50 is typical) • Indicate Parenting Coordinator Appointment and Term of Appointment Primary Goal of To Empower Parents Of Divorce Or Separation To Parenting Communicate, Negotiate, And Resolve Differences To Help Coordination Their Children Thrive

14 The Secondary Goals of Parenting Coordination

To Foster A Constructive Post-separation Parental Alliance That Empowers Parents To:

• Disengage From The Physical And Emotional Marital Relationship • Clarify New Boundaries • Manage Conflict • Make Effective Mutual Decisions • Increase Positive Cooperative Behaviors • Understand The Impact Of Separation And Parental Conflict On Their Children 15 Use State-of-the Science Research On Divorce And Educate Separation To Educate Parents On Best Practices That Maximize Child Outcomes

Actively Monitor Parent Behaviors Through Regular Monitor Phone or Face-to-Face Contact To Ensure Success Of UMFT Parenting Agreed Upon Parenting Plans

Coordinator Roles Use Mediation Skills To Ensure A Parenting Plan That Mediate and Meets The Needs Of Parents And Children

Responsibilities Refer As Needed To Mental Health Providers And Ensure Manage Case Compliance. Coordinate With Schools And Other Professionals To Maximize Positive Child Outcomes

Offer Professional Opinions To Courts Based Upon Arbitrate (optional) Assessment, Research, And Family Circumstances 16 Educate Parents Regarding The Impact Of Parental Educate Conflict On The Child(ren)’s Development UMFT Parent

Coordinator Teach Parents Anger Management, Communication, And Teach Negotiation Skills While Informing Parents Of The Impact Educational Of Divorce And Separation On Children Responsibilities

Offer Access To A 3 Hour Online Or In-Person Seminar On Seminar Basic Coparenting Skills Records And Safeguards The Monitors Parental Child(ren)’s UMFT Compliance With Emotional And Parenting Court Orders Physical Needs

Monitors Parental Coordinator Compliance With Monitors And Program Reports Family Guidelines And Progress Monitoring New Agreements

Monitors Parental Responsibilities Behaviors In Order To Reduce Conflict And Stress For All Family Members

18 Works with parents in Mediates UMFT Parenting developing a parenting detailed concerns to Parenting Plan reach a Coordinator for issues such mutually as discipline, satisfying Mediation transitions, resolution that decision-making meets the Responsibilities* procedures, unique needs of communication, the family etc.

* Greg is Trained as a NYS Divorce Mediator

19 • Central To The Team • One- And Two-way Communication UMFT Parent • Consults And Collaborates With Coordinator Other Professionals Case • Balances The Needs Of The Family With The Requirements Of The Management Court Responsibilities • Not Constrained By Confidentiality Agreements 20 • Family Systems Theory • Adult Psychopathology UMFT • Developmental Psychology • Child & Adolescent Divorce Recovery Parenting • Parental Alienation Coordinator • Mediation & Conflict Resolution • Communications Theory Training and • Basic Legal Aspects Of Divorce Experience • Parenting Plans & Time-Sharing Options • Domestic Violence & Substance Abuse • Psychotherapeutic Interventions 21 Child Initial Sessions Interview

Family Phone Contact, Virtual Meetings, Types of Session or and Face-to-Face Contact Occur Joint Relapse Regularly and As-Needed Sessions Sessions Prevention

Extended Significant Family Others

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• Modification Of • Parental Transitions Communication • Modification Of Time- • Parent-child sharing Communication • Holiday & Vacation • Religious Potential Topics Schedules Engagement of Discussion • Behavior • Daycare Placement Management • Educational During Joint • Health Care Placement Sessions • Other Treatment • Supervised Visitation Providers • Mental Health • Children’s Clothing Services • Safety Measures • Extra-curricular Activities ⚫ Coparenting Counseling Is Confidential; Parenting Coordination Is Not Confidential

⚫ Coparenting Counseling Does Not Hold Parents Accountable; Parenting Coordination Holds Parents Accountable

⚫ Coparenting Counseling Is Based On Child Needs; Parenting Coordination Is Also Based On Child’s Needs Coparenting ⚫ Coparenting Counseling Focuses On Improving The Coparent Relationship; Counseling versus Parenting Coordination Also Focuses On Improving The Coparent Relationship

Parenting ⚫ Coparenting Counseling Does Not Monitor Compliance; Parenting Coordination Coordination Monitors Parental Compliance

⚫ Coparenting Counseling May Result In A Parenting Plan; Parenting Coordination Results In A Notarized Parenting Plan (Unless A Parenting Plan Has Already been Created)

⚫ Coparenting Counseling Is Not Reported To Attorneys Or Courts (It Is Confidential); Parenting Coordination Reports Progress Formally To Attorneys And Courts (It Is Not Confidential) 24 • Develop A Comprehensive Order Appointing A Parenting Coordinator • Encourage Cooperation Between The Parents And Attorneys • Consider Scheduling A Review To Encourage Cooperation How the Court And Appropriate Behavior Can Support the • Allow Sufficient Time For The Process To Work Before Parenting Vacating The Order • Determine Whether The Parenting Coordinator Will Provide Coordination The Court With Updates And The Frequency Of Updates Process • Utilize Sanctions When Necessary Rather Than Terminating The Process • Do Not Remove One Parent From The Process Just Because One Parent Complains • Hold Parents Accountable

25 Support The Unique Role Of The Parenting Recognize That The Coordinator And Parenting Coordinator Is Parenting Coordination Impartial And Objective How the Process Attorney Can Remember That The Understand That The Parenting Coordinator Support the Parenting Coordinator Is May Not Make A An Advocate For The Recommendation Child Parenting Regarding Custody Coordination

Consult With The Process Develop A Collaborative Parenting Coordinator Relationship With The Prior To And During The Parenting Coordinator Process To Offer Your Perspective

26 Encourage Encourage Parental Cooperation And Avoid Any Unnecessary Legal Action

How the Remind Remind Your Client To Consider Their Child’s Perspective Attorney Can Support the Discuss Discuss The Impact Of The Conflict On Their Children

Parenting Be Aware Be Aware That Your Client May Distort Information Discussed In Sessions Coordination Process Open Mind Keep An Open Mind

Objective Remain Objective

27 • Allegations Of Parental Alienation, Neglect, Child Abuse Typical • High Rates Of Litigation And Re-litigation Cases and • Parents Who Are Persistently Unable To Communicate Or Collaborate Appropriate • Visitation Refusal Referrals • Children Showing Symptoms Of Parental Conflict 28 • Ongoing Domestic Violence Or Child Abuse Inappropriate • Past Domestic Violence Having A Significant Degree Of Persistent Referrals Distress • Some Personality Disorders 29 Communicates To Reduces The Number Parents That The Of Litigated Cases Children Come First How

Parenting Provides Prompt Offers Families A Resolution Of Daily Valuable Resource Coordination Child-rearing Issues Benefits the

Provides The Court Court Monitors Parental With A Comprehensive Compliance With The Picture Of The Family Court Order “In Action” 30 Decreases The Number Of Client Calls And Micromanagement Of The Difficult Case How Parenting Coordination Improves Client Behavior And Cooperation Benefits the

Family Law Provides Prompt And Considerate Resolution Attorney

Monitors Compliance With The Court Order

31 Increases Likelihood Of Reduces Cost Of Keeping Two Ongoing Legal Active Parents In Action The Child(ren)’s How Parenting Life Helps Parents To Let Go Of The Past And Reduces Stress Of Develop An Effective Ongoing Conflict Coordination Coparenting Relationship Benefits Educates Parents Teaches Parents Regarding The Anger Impact Of Management, Parental Conflict Parents Communication, On Their And Conflict Child(ren)’s Resolution Skills Helps Parents Development Identify Their Contribution To Conflict From Direct Feedback

32 Greg Kovacs, LMFT Upstate Marriage and Family Therapy, PLLC For More 2219 Genesee Street Information Utica, New York 13501 or to Make www.upstatemarriageandfamily.com a Referral [email protected] 315-527-7936 33