After the Affair : Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner
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AFTER the AFFAIR Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, PH.D. WITH MICHAEL SPRING To my best buddies, Aaron, Max, and Michael Contents Acknowledgments vi Introduction—Can a Couple Survive Infidelity? 1 Stage One Reacting to the Affair: “Is What I’m Feeling Normal?” 7 1 The Hurt Partner’s Response: Buried in an Avalanche of Losses 9 2 The Unfaithful Partner’s Response: Lost in a Labyrinth of Choices 37 Stage Two Reviewing Your Options: “Should I Stay or Leave?” 61 3 Exploring Your Ideas About Love 63 4 Confronting Your Doubts and Fears 80 Stage Three Recovering from the Affair: “How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?” 107 5 Learning from the Affair 109 6 Restoring Trust 147 7 How to Talk About What Happened 167 8 Sex Again 192 9 Learning to Forgive 234 Epilogue—Revealing the Secret: Truth and Consequences 249 Notes 259 Bibliography 271 Index 281 About the Authors Praise Cover Copyright About the Publisher Acknowledgments When I first started giving workshops in couples therapy, I’d leave fif- teen minutes at the end to discuss the treatment of infidelity. Gradually, as it became clear that virtually nothing had been written on how to help couples who were trying to recover from an affair, I decided to focus my talks and private practice on this topic, and to write this book. At first, I got mixed reactions. Patients and therapists said, “Great. When can I get a copy?” Friends said, “How exciting. Let’s have a party.” Acquaintances said, “Thank God this has nothing to do with me.” Publishers and editors said, “Yes, there’s definitely a need for such a book, but will anyone be brave enough to pick it up and bring it to the cashier?” While I was looking for an editor, I found that more than one was afraid to touch it for fear that it would stir up problems in their relationships. “I have a good marriage,” one editor told me. “I’m afraid this material will infect us.” Fortunately, once HarperCollins bought the book, and my husband, Michael, agreed to help me write it, everyone seemed to stand behind it. I never knew what it meant, or took, to write a book. Now I know. And now, every time I walk into a bookstore or library, I am in awe of the incredible expenditure of time and energy so many people make just to put their ideas into print. I went into this project thinking I was an expert, but the more I inter- viewed and treated couples, the more I learned. As Anna says in The King and I, “By your pupils you are taught.” By listening to my patients and others who have endured a betrayal or who have had affairs themselves, I came to understand how individuals cope with and re- solve—or fail to resolve—their infidelity crises. Their candor and self- scrutiny made it possible for me to recognize patterns in what people experience and what they need to heal. There are many people I’d like to thank for helping me bring this book to completion, including those mentors and colleagues who trained me. When I was just out of graduate school, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, founder of cognitive therapy, let me sit by his side and observe him supervising students at the Center for Cognitive Therapy. He taught me when to intervene and when to remain silent, when to critique a belief and when to leave it alone. He provided a model of therapy and a career for me that has helped me become an effective therapist. I also was fortunate to be supervised by Dr. David D. Burns, who taught me with humor and ingenuity many strategies to help people change. I extend deep appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Young, who integrated cognitive therapy with other established models and significantly expanded its effective- ness in dealing with more intractable clinical problems. He combed through sections of this manuscript, offering detailed comments about how our childhood affects who we are today. My thanks to Dr. Albert Ellis, Dr. Richard Stuart, Dr. Neil Jacobson, Dr. Norman Epstein, Dr. Don Baucom, Dr. Chris Padesky, and Dr. David Bricker—all of whom have furthered my application of cognitive-behavioral principles to the treatment of distressed couples. Claire Quigley at the Westport Public Library and Kristina Coop of the University of North Carolina provided much needed library and research assistance. When everyone else was still debating the salability of this book, my agent, Chris Tomasino, stood by me and encouraged me. She also read every word of the manuscript and offered astute editorial suggestions. Her assistant, Jonathan Diamond, was always available to help me. I thank Peternelle van Arsdale, Janet Goldstein, and Gail Winston, my editors at HarperCollins, for shepherding me through this process. My gratitude also to Clio Manuelian, my publicist, for her contagious enthusiasm; Kristen Auclair for managing countless editorial details; and Guy Kettelhack for his help in preparing the proposal. Also, I thank with all my heart: My parents, Dolly and Louis Lieff, for years of sacrifice to give me a great education, and for encouraging me to develop my own separate voice. My brother, Joel, for being a kind soul and always looking out for me. My stepchildren Declan and Evan, for their wisdom, and for all the good times we’ve shared together, away from the computer. My children, Max and Aaron, who have brought laughter and meaning to my life. I’m so lucky to have lived these years with them by my side. And my husband, Michael: Is there any activity more intimate than writing a book with someone? I respect (and envy) his perfectionistic eye and extraordinarily clear mind. I’ll miss those hours sitting elbow to elbow with him at the computer, fighting fiercely over a word or concept. I thank him for the ton of time he gave this manuscript, and for his wonderful good nature, which kept us going. Introduction Can a Couple Survive Infidelity? As a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for twenty-one years, I answer yes—provided that each of you is willing to look honestly at yourself and at your partner, and acquire the skills you need to see yourself through this shattering crisis. It may help to remind yourself that you’re not alone. Statistics vary widely,1 but according to one of the most recent and reputable studies, as many as 37 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women have been unfaithful.2 No one knows the exact percentages; I’m sure that someone who lies to a spouse might also lie to a researcher. But even by the most conservative estimate, we can say with some confid- ence that, in the United States, 1 in every 2.7 couples—some 20 mil- lion—is touched by infidelity.3 WHAT CONSTITUTES AN AFFAIR Must an affair be coital? What about a kiss? What about lunch?4 I don’t try to answer these questions because, in the end, what matters is what matters to you. A breach of trust depends entirely on what you agreed to—or thought you agreed to. Virtually all of you would feel betrayed by a partner who had intercourse with a third person, whether during a one-night stand or as part of a 2 / AFTER the AFFAIR long-term emotional entanglement. But many of you would also feel betrayed, and certainly threatened, by other intimate behaviors—a hug, say, or the sending of a dozen white roses. Five years ago a patient of mine named Sharon took her blouse off and showed her breasts to her best friend’s husband. They never went further, but the two couples have been struggling with this violation ever since. Another type of affair involves the sex addict—a person who attempts to counter feelings of low self-esteem with compulsive or uncontrollable sexual activity.5 This is a specialized disorder that is beyond the scope of this book. THREE JUDGMENTS I DON’T MAKE 1. I don’t make blanket judgments about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad. What may be enhancing for one of you may devastate the other, and destroy the relationship. I have found, however, that a con- tinuing affair, without the consent of both partners, perpetuates the dysfunction in a relationship and makes the forging of an intimate at- tachment virtually impossible. If you’re an unfaithful partner who is serious about reconnecting, you must, I believe, give up your lover. 2. I don’t separate the two of you into victim and victimizer, betrayed and betrayer. Each of you must accept an appropriate share of responsibility for what went wrong. Rather than assign blame, I encourage each of you to confront those parts of yourself that led to the affair, and to change in ways that rebuild trust and intimacy. That doesn’t mean I hold you equally accountable for the affair—no one can make another person stray. But I do ask you both to be accountable for the distress that may have contributed to the affair. 3. I don’t suggest that you should stay together no matter what, or bolt just because you feel unhappy. Instead, I invite each of you to explore with me your unique reasons for having or giving up a lover, for choosing or refusing to recommit. Your decision should be deliberate and well- considered, not based on feelings alone.