Freshers Arrive on Time

FREE 21/09/00 Issue no: 986

The Union Trayscrape in Gossip

p4 p5-12 p13 Freshers Arrive On Time

Sunday was the day that saw everything happen. From the first helpers arriving at 8.30am to the last helpers leaving at about 5.30pm, the University was awash with cars jam packed with bags, boxes, and the odd suitcase or ten.

150 helpers throughout the day ensured that there were few catastrophes, and many amusing stories to take home with them. Those people who had walkie- talkies will especially be aware of the term 'organised chaos'. But it worked, and at least it didn't rain this year. So 9 hours after it had all started, the adventure was over. 1600 Students had arrived and then disap- peared, to find a new home, and a new group of friends.

Then came the Court receptions, the first years were told how to avoid getting into trouble with their war- dens (by keeping their cleaner happy) and were all told that if you have this many people in youir kitchen you are breaking the fire limit and having an illegalAbove: Helpers packing one of the many luggage vans party. Below: Surrey Court moving in team

And so on to the evenings entertainments. Sunday Snatch: Union night witnessed a tight performance by Trayscrape, followed by Manchild who really got the crowd going. Beer Prices? It was just the sort of evening that was required after such a hard day. As the Freshers acclimatise to student life and the weeks festivities come to a climax - considerable cov- The University of Surrey Students' Union would like to erage has been given to the rising concerns over the thank all the helpers who made it so great, the mem- price of alcohol in the Students’ Union. After a week of bers of the Christian Union for their help and support, increasing publicity through a poster campaign and University Security for their directing abilities, Stage creation of a website to promote their cause, a group Crew for their driving abilities, and all the Supervisors of students have been questioning this years increase for holding the day together. Cheers. to the prices of soft drinks, beers and spirits.

The Sabbs. It is a tradition within the University that the first few months of the new academic year bring a wealth of PSWho did the yellow bag belong to? questions over the changing prices at the bar and for those involved in setting those prices, the added con- cern of running a self sustaining organisation. This year, due to added pressures of Chancellors failing to keep to its predicted running costs, the critical situation for both students and Union staff has reached its peak.

Over the last 18 months, the financial health of the Students Union’s commercial activities (known as Union Club) has deteriorated from making a yearly profit to an enormous deficit that has threatened the Above: Helpers at Cathedral Court Above: Freshers settling into their new home stability of the Union as a whole. The Union Club, run by full-time members of departmental management Officer, General Secretary, Ethical and Environmentalstaff and supervised by a General Manager, is an Elections 2000/01 Officer, Campaigns Officer, Union Chairperson, and entirely separate sister organisation that runs in paral- Racial Equality Officer. So join up and get involved.lel to the activities of the sports clubs, societies, wel- Well folks, it's that time of year where you can plasterNomination forms can be picked up from reception.fare and representation services. Within the Union your face all around campus. Nominations for this More details to follow shortly… Club, there are several departments that run to supply years Central Committee are now open and any the commercial services that provide entertainment member of the Students' Union can enter the race toElections start in week 5 and catering on a daily basis. continued on p.4 be elected. The positions up for grabs are Women's

[email protected] News 1-3n The Union4, n Barearts 5 - 12n Cookery 14 n Sport 20 2 News 21/09/00 Vacant Editorial this week, you’ve all been great. This week we had a few articles Music Editorr that we couldn’t cram in, so sorry Editorial Team Owen Hazelby First of all a big hello to all the newEllen and Gemma your articles will first years and I hope you have ago in next week. Editor Arts Editorr Editor great time here at Surrey. Kevin Marston ChrisMorton Anyway, I am off to have some sleep. Deputy Editorr Sports Editorr Well, its been a hectic week so far Vacant Dave Chapman with helping the freshers move in on Sunday, all the introduction talksKevin Marston Production Editorr Marketing Team and producing barefacts, which hasBarefacts Editor Andrew Thomas Vacant left me without much sleep. So if you see me anywhere passed out News Editorr Writers asleep just give me a gentle shake Vacant Luke Hickey, Fiona Wareham, James Bullerto wake me up please. Lucy Andrews, Rich W, Andrew Thomas, Features Editorr Chris Morton & Andrew Gale As usual, thanks to all the writers

News In Brief

Back to Normal? Millennium dome, with Japanese buyers Normarasuccess to fuel suggestions that plans are in the pulling out, after discovering that detectives havepipeline for a new series, possibly as soon as Spring With the fuel chaos coming to an end and most dri-been called in to investigate allegations of fraud relat-2001. vers able to find sufficient petrol, the Governmenting to the awarding of some of the contracts awarded have been given 60 days to move towards reducingfor work on the dome. The BBC have now stated that Jailbreak - week 1. tax before the blockades are reformed. Should thisthey want to acquire the dome for nothing and turn it happen it is likely to continue close to, or even during,into a museum of their programs. There has alsoAll ten prisoners have now completed the first of their the Christmas period. The Government have reactedbeen a bid from a company called Legacy for £105three week sentence behind bar and so far none have by suggesting that new laws may be introduced tomillion, who plan to create a technology campus ifmanaged to escape. However, they have discovered force oil firms to continue delivering petrol should thesuccessful. how to escape from the first area, their dormitories but situation arise again. Nation-wide polls have resulted internal bickering has thwarted any further progress in strong support for the protesters, with support rang- so far. Most of them have now been put on report at ing from 80% to 95%. Meanwhile some opinion polls More Music Awards least once, with Jenny, after breaking the rules three have shown a support for the Conservatives higher times, having spent a night in solitary confinement. than for Labour for the first time in eight years. Carlos Santana was the big winner at the first Latin Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. Santana added toBy Luke Hickey his eight awards at February’s main Grammys with Paula Yates Found Dead three titles including ‘Record of the Year’ for Corazon Cash in Churches Espinado, a collaboration with Mexican rockers Mana. Paula Yates, ex-wife of Bob Geldolf, has been foundGloria Estifan walked off with ‘Best Video’ and hus-Country churches could soon boast cash machines if dead in her West London flat by her four year oldband Emilio won ‘Producer of the Year’. The ‘Besta controversial proposal goes ahead. Officials of the daughter, Tiger Lily. The results of a post-mortemNew Artist’ award was won by 73 year old IbrahimChurch of England told the Sunday Telegraph that have been inconclusive but the police are treating herFerrer. they were thinking of installing ATM’s in their build- death as suspicious although they have confirmed ings. It would compensate for the closure of local that there were no signs of violence. Some newspa-The Mercury Music award was also announced lastbanks and post offices. They hope it will also revive pers have speculated that she may have died due toweek and won by Badly Drawn Boy (a.k.a. Damonattendances of services and make churches the focal a drink and drugs overdose amid suggestions thatGough) for his album ‘The Hour of the Wilderbeast’.point of communities as they once were. some prescribed pills, a vodka bottle and some hero- in were found by her bedside. “There is nothing wrong with money per se. After all More sex in Films we make collections during services,” The Right Reverend Graham James, Bishop of Norwich said. “It News from Down-Under The British Board of Film Classification is to relaxis the way money is used that is moral or immoral.” what can be shown in 18-rated films. They will now Britain have had their most successful opening day for‘only rarely’ cut sections of films containing drug use,However many people have been horrified at the idea. 16 years as Jason Queally completed a remarkableextreme violence and explicit sex scenes. Former Conservative minister Lord St John of journey from the brink of death four years ago to win Fawsley commented “It is an appalling idea, mad- gold in the one kilometre time trial. Queally then ness. The interiors of churches are sacred places. I added silver as part of the British team pursuit, with And the Winner is? don’t mind them being used for appropriate events Yvonne McGregor taking bronze in the three kilome- such as concerts, but certainly not cash machines”. tre individual pursuit to continue the impressive startBody-building bricklayer Craig Phillips narrowly beatOthers against the plan have quoted passages from for the British cycling team. There has also been aex-nun Anna Nolan to win the Big Brother series andthe bible, telling how Jesus threw moneylenders out of bronze medal won by Ian Peel in the clay pigeonscoop the prize of £70,000. He then immediatelythe temple. shooting and a silver for the British three day eventgave the money away, pledging it to the charity set up team. to send a Down’s Syndrome teenager to America to Cocaine In Banks have a heart and lung operation. The producers are More trouble at the Dome now set to release an uncensored video and book onDrug busts in Venezuela have become so successful the series, containing previously unseen material fromthat the police have run out of places to store their It has been yet another problematic week for thethe series. The show was seen to be a big enoughseizures. So on Thursday 130kilos of pure cocaine

Bare Facts is an editorially independent newspa- Bare Facts per, published by the University of Surrey Students' © USSU Communications Office Union House Union Communications Office. 2000 University Of SurreyThe views expressed within the Deadline for Guildford paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily Publication Surrey represent the views of the Editor,Monday 12pm GU2 7XH the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union or the University of Surrey. Printed by Tel: 01483 879275 Submissions Fax: 01483 534749This publication may not be reproduced in whole or East End Offset (TU),, in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, preferably on without the express permission of the publisher. Bow, London, E3 3LT email: All submissions must include the author's name disk /email and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no [email protected] of publication. Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. 21/09/00 Letters 3

January 1999. After Beckett was acquitted last FridayStudents Rebel Against “Rip Off News In Brief Continued.... of the 4 criminal charges, a senior personnel committee decided to pursue those still outstanding via a tri-Surrey” were deposited in the country’s Central Bank. bunal. Surrey’s Chief Constable, Denis O’Connor,Andrew Thomas “Anti-narcotics police have storage areas but they’resaid they were “more likely to be cases of sexual completely full, there is even drugs in the director’sharassment than sexual assault”. office,” said Javier Carrera, of the Public Prosecutor’s In the past week a campaign has begun to challenge office. the Student Union beer prices after they were raised at the start of this semester. Students have seen FREE: Guildford Buses In Venezuela contraband must be stored until posters placed all over campus comparing Union beer inquiries have been completed. Seizures are up 70% prices with those of other universities and pubs in the on last year due to an initiative backed by the USA free circular bus route has been just been area. In all cases sited the prices were significantly launched in Guildford. The buses, sporting a circular Drug Enforcement Agency. There are now 17tons of higher at USSU. Most students have also received an logo run from 8am-5pm daily, every 15 minutes and illegal substances to keep safe. 8.2 tons of that came e-mail containing similar information. There are now from a single haul made after a billion dollar, multina-call at: petitions in place in every student hall reception, which - Bus Station (Commercial Road) tional investigation. the posters and e-mails have urged people to sign. A - Train Station (Walnut Tree Close) Officials hope the bank will only have to keep the drug quick glance at one of them reveals the scale of angry for a month before it can be destroyed. - Lower High Street (White Lion Walk Shopping Surrey students having to pay for USSU prices, with Centre) hundreds signing it within the last few days. Bare Facts - Sydenham Road (Junction with Milkhouse Gate) will report on further developments as and when they - Sydenham Road (Baker’s Yard) happen. Surrey Police Still Clouded By Sleaze- Epsom Road (Junction with High Street) - Upper High Street (Royal Grammar School) The second most senior officer of Surrey Police- North Street (Guildford Library) remains on suspension this week amid sexual- Lower North Street (Marks & Spencer). harassment allegations. Ian Beckett, Surrey’s deputy chief constable has just been cleared in court on fourThe scheme is part of the Local Transport Strategy counts of indecent assault against two women.promoted jointly by Guildford Borough Council and However he now faces disciplinary action overSurrey County Council. It will initially run for a trial charges made by three other females. All the womenperiod of six months. once worked at the Guildford HQ of Surrey Police. by James Buller The investigation into Beckett, 54, was carried out independently by Perry Nove of City of London Police. He has been suspended from duty since

‘bottle bank’ at the Union. And the lads should probably venture onto Guildford’s strip (better known as Bridge Street), with Bar Med, Yate’s, Wetherspoons, Your Letters Edwards, Bar Mambo and The Drink. It’s only a short stroll away, unless you’re on the ‘wrong’* side of cam- Theft that they need extra cash to buy copious amounts ofpus. alcohol every evening…sorry I meant Robinson’s or(*) It’s the right side of campus, however, if you’re: Ribena (just in case worried mums or dads are read-a fitness fanatic Dear Barefacts, ing this) a sporting hero I am writing to alert the students living on campus of athat they need more money, to splash out on potentiala musician thief in our midst. girlfriends/boyfriends (OK, I know that’s 100% unlike-a dance student ly, particularly because most dinner dates usuallysomeone who loves shopping at Tescos During the night of Wednesday the 13th of Septemberseem to take place in McDonalds, or at best someone got into Stag Hill 33 and stole all of ourWetherspoons. And two final points (finally)….firstly, why was there no freezer food and some food from the fridge. I am mention of the infamous SHAG HILL (or SLAG HILL) informed that House 37 suffered the same occur-They needn’t worry at all – Guildford always has plen-in the list of Surrey Slang (i.e. Stag Hill Court –just in rence. ty of jobs available, particularly in retail outlets in thecase you’re a bit dense) town center, so no one needs to believe that they Although I realise that there is nothing we can do tohave to end up in a grease pit. Secondly, (and sorry in advance to Mr Editor) – Lucy retrieve our food I would like to warn others to keep Andrews: “single-aargh!” – I don’t believe it! But it’s a windows on security chains or shut, vet who entersHaving been greatly involved in various societies, andlovely thought if it’s true, and I shall definitely be your house and keep the front door shut. I personallybeing a former part time union official and minibus dri-attempting to work out those measurements for you hate the hostile environment produced by pad-lockingver and blah, blah, blah……. I can strongly urgelads in the very near future whatever it takes! food cupboards but bear in mind that not everyone iseveryone arriving at UniS, and current students too, to as honest as you might like to think. participate in as many activities as possible duringYours, their time here in Guildford. It certainly is a fantastic Finally, I would like to appeal to the thief’s conscience,way of meeting people and making friends, and if youRichard Perugi, H+C graduate, Class of 2000 this has caused me and my house mates not onlyend up being voted onto a committee (e.g. as a pres- financial loss but also some level of distress. Eat ourident or treasurer), this always looks good to potential food, I hope it chokes you especially as my fellowemployers when they look through your CV. In response to last week letters please see the front microbiology house mate had been growing E.coli cul- page article and page 4. -ed tures in hers! I was very interested to read that the 34th Management Studies (CDDC) ball is going to be 60 Gill Bennett (final year) quid this year ( and that, Mr Gale, is even without a free funfair or temporary tattoo!). Last year, we only paid 50 quid for a lovely evening at the Royal Garden The Union Hotel, and I don’t believe a 20% increase in cost is very fair to the average, poor student. Oh, but the Dear Barefacts, coach travel manages to remain (again) at the same price of a very reasonable fiver?! But beware, judging Having read last week’s Barefacts, I would firstly likeby the current fuel crisis the coach ticket may cost as to complement you on keeping up the interest andmuch as the actual ball ticket by the time of the ball at be heard quality level of the beloved student paper – being athe end of January! Surrey graduate who still lives in Guildford it’s great to keep in touch with what’s going on. As for the prices of beer…..well, if you’re not from down South, it may be rather shocking, but you’ll get Since Freshers are about to arrive, I’d like to point outused to it. If you’re from London or Surrey, you should that if they feel: bloody know by now that Guildford is an expensive that they are a bit strapped for cash place to live. Besides, for the girls, there’s always the 4 The Union 21/09/00

The Bars & Catering department, responsible for themanagement, strict cut backs were put in place. ThisSabbatical Team. Until we complete negotiations to day-to-day management of the Union bars and foodincluded implicit student staff cuts when absent stafffind a long term solution to the financial problems of outlets, has experienced financial troubles for a vari-were not covered and those who left were notthe Club, we unfortunately have to ensure our stabili- ety of reasons. Due to over expenditure, managementreplaced. Further changes regarding Chancellors foodty as an organisation - otherwise, in the long term, our and staffing problems in Chancellors over the last 18serving times, portion and stock control were initiatedsports clubs, societies, representation and entertain- months, this deficit has been worsened. This, coupledto force the department back towards its budgetingment will suffer.’ with the increased overhead (i.e. rise in minimumlines. wage to part-time student staff) and supplier costs In a recently called ‘emergency managers meeting’, have contributed to the current problems. These changes were not well received by student staffthe President stressed the importance of unity and and it was made clear that staff recruitment levels hadcollective understanding of the problems being faced The financial situation facing Union Club was first pub-been allowed to escalate out of control and withoutby the students. The management has the responsi- licly recognised in Barefacts (edition 979 - 2nd Marchchanges the costs over the bar would have to dramat-bility to make sure that these issues are addressed 2000) where it was reported that Chancellors staffingically increase. swiftly and with purpose. The Sabbatical Officers have costs had begun to soar as far back as November already taken on a more influential role in the Club to 1999. The unprofitability of the outlet was reportedAs the summer closed in, Union catering in generalreiterate the ethos of the Students’ Union, ensuring was addressed along with other areas of over-expen-that the future of the Union Club will only serve to ben- diture within the Union Club. As the financial reportsefit the students. for the year were drawn up, it became clear the Union Club faced a deficit in excess of £175,000. This wasThe elected Sabbatical Officers have taken the a situation that was unacceptable to the Studentsresponsibility of the Club into their hands for the time Union and the mismanagement of the Union Clubbeing, working with the managers to ensure that the threatened the stability of the Union both politicallywishes of the current campaigners are heard and and financially. acted upon as part of a long term solution.

It would appear the current increase in beer pricesAs far as the bar prices are concerned, it seems that within the Union Club is partly a reflection of this deficitthe Students’ Union is keen to make sure that any cut and can also be attributed to taming the aforemen-in costs can be sustained, not dropped and reintro- and linked to lack of communication within the Clubtioned overheads. The only sources of income theduced. and serious management problems both on the barUnion Club has come through its door takings, cater- floor and at a senior level. By the time advertisementsing sales and outsourcing of commercial space. Student Council, the governing body of the Students’ were placed to recruit a new Bars & Catering Union, presents a forum through which Union Policy is Operations Manager (November), the Union ClubAs the new academic year gets underway and thediscussed. The issue of Union Club and bar pricing senior management was aware that a problem hadprices within Union Club come under the spotlight, thewill be addressed at the next meeting (12th October, arisen and would worsen with the continual employ-main question on students’ lips seems to be what the1pm Union Dance floor) at which two Union managers ment of agency chefs at great expense. The full impli-future of the commercial services will be - and how ahave been requested to be available for questioning. cations of this period of mismanagement were notlong term solution to the financial situation will eventu-If you are unable to attend or wish to discuss matters made available to the Students’ Union and sabbaticalally lead to a reduction in prices across the board. further, the Sabbatical Team can be found in the Union team as a whole until the Finance & Services Meeting Offices. FW & LA on the 15th February 2000, almost 4 months later. In response to the campaign, Fiona Wareham (Union President) agreed: ‘The price across the bars and the Immediately, on the advice of the new Bars & Cateringfuture of Union Club is the top priority of the

feed back regarding USSU events - if you feel that you Friday is, of course, Freshers’ Fayre! The Union willhave something to offer then come and speak to the be full of fun, frolics and freebies so make sure youSabbatical Officers, the Events Manager or pop along pop in between 10am and 4pm and find out about allto the next meeting of the Culture and Events the many opportunities we can offer you during yourCommittee, Mon 9th Oct 5pm, Grant Mitchell rm. - time at University. Don’t forget about the Sports FayreStudents’ Union. happening at the same time held at UniSport. Although traditionally named ‘Freshers’ Fayre’ ourLook forward to seeing you all out and about. FW & LA event is open to all members from all years. Friday night’s entertainments boasts FNO (Friday Night Out) USSU’s most infamous and successful event, this week featuring multiple chart toppers B*Witched! Also in the Helyn Rose Bar (HRB) you can experience a preview of our all new radio station GU2, 1350am. Tiger Beer will be on sale all night as just one of the products lined up for our 3 - 4 - 5 (that’s three bottles for a fiver) promotion that will be running in the Union in forthcoming weeks.

So, Freshers’ week is nearly over, how was it for you?Looking a bit further into the future will reveal a host of ( A million thanks go out again to all the fantastic introlive acts, DJs and general Wacky Wednesday frivoli- week helpers...don’t forget to come and pick up yourties. Next week sees the return of student band cash next week, as if!) Rubber Soul to the main stage on Wednesday and Radio 1 DJ, Steve Lamacq, on Friday. In the weeks Whilst the week is almost drawing to a close we stillfollowing look out for: Daphne and Celeste ( of have some marvellous events for you all to enjoy!U.G.L.Y fame!), Ministry of Sound materclass featur- Check out our weekly market every Thursday in theing CJ Mackintosh and Paul Dakeyne, Chicane and main Union where you will find stall holders selling youkeep you eyes peeled for our spoof ‘Big Bro.’ tribute everything from bananas to batteries! Come to the‘Little Sister’ more details to be revealed shortly. main Union tonight (Thurs) and be part of the biggest pub quiz this side of the....well..um....the main Union.As the Surrey veterans are already aware, Cinderellas Entry is only £1 and teams should have between 4night club in town, hosts their most popular night of the and 6 members, arriving at 7.30 for an 8pm start.week on Mondays where you will find many a cheese Prizes range from T-shirts and complimentary mealsloving bopper dancing away to their favourite 80s and tickets to large sums of cash! If this isn’t your cuptunes. To add a further dimension to this already of tea then OFU (Oscar Film Unit) will be showingbuzzing evening USSU will be presenting the weekly South Park the Movie in the Lecture Theatres. If we7.30 - 10pm ‘Cindy’s Warm-Up Party’ in the Helyn still haven’t tickled your fancy then come and giveRose Bar starting in week five. Entry is free and we GMas (Good Music appreciation society) a go in thewill even throw in a free minibus ride to the club and Helyn Rose Bar from 9pm ‘till 2am. If you’re still notback. satisfied then a HRB Express Jumbo sausage may just do the trick! We are constantly on the look out for student input and TrayscrapTrayscrapee WelcomeWelcome TheThe FresherFresherss

This Week: Freshers Sunday Night Review, CD Reviews, OFU, & A Short Story 6 Bare Arts 21/09/00 OFU, bigger louder and uncut! Greetings all, freshers or not, and wel-anteed for all. because we are a soci- come to the start of what promises to ety of the USSU, and be an eventful year at OFU. We are It shall be followed swift as an rich mannot a licensed Cinema. the on-campus film society and this passing through a camel by Sunday’s year we shall be exhibiting films in film, back in Lecture Theatre G but stillOnce you are a mem- Lecture Theatre G on Sunday, Mondayfree, “The Matrix”. This should need nober, you have the and Thursday evenings. introduction, but here’s one anyway: choice of a season tick- the film is a frenetic and wild-eyed et, which admits you to However, thisThursday (the 21st), weblast of high-speed visuals, poundingall OFU films this shall be making an exception to this soundtrack, and a plot which veers semester for only GBP rule (and several others: see intimidating close to genuine profundity.10.00, a five-film pass, “Important Information for some impor-Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Ann Moss, andwhich admits you to any tant information), and projecting “SouthLawrence Fishburne head up the cast.5 OFU films for GBP Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut” onto theCrumpet for all... 7.50, or purchasing a side of the EIHMS building (for all you pass for a single film, freshers, that’s And the VERY NEXT DAY - Monday which costs GBP 2.50. the bizarre Titanic-shaped thing juttingthe 25th- we shall be dragging our out of the side of the hill. You can’t carcasses out of bed by 8pm yet again,As a member of OFU, miss it, because it cost millions to buildto bring you the superb Will you will also get dis- and if you can’t identify it after the firstSmith/Gene Hackman film, “Enemy Ofcounted entry to Arts ten days, you’ll be shot by Security forThe State”. This one slept a bit at theCinema films. The Arts not trying hard enough. Word up.) box office, but it’s a real corker and Cinema is run in con- you’re advised not to miss it, particular-junction with the Fascists aside, this film is going to bely if you have a grudge against the University Arts PARTICULARLY spoony, for not only isMan. Committee, and these it completely and utterly FREE, but films - listed separately you’ll also have the opportunity to getAnd if you’ve been here a week and on our posters - are beered up in Chancellors and the otheryou haven’t got a grudge against the open to the general wonderful Union clubs before, during,Man... well... public as well as mem- and even after the film. Like the elite bers of the University. group that you are. Prices for admission to PLEASE NOTE: IMPORTANT INFOR-Arts Cinema are as fol- ”South Park” is the greatest comedic MATION ABOUT OFU FILMS FOL- lows: GBP 3.00 for achievement of the last century, draw-LOWS! members of the Mr James Dibley ing on the finest traditions of American public, GBP 2.50 for concessions, andSecretary, and European satire and balling it allIn order to get into any of the films weGBP 2.00 for members of OFU. Oscar Film Unit into a movie which really has a mes-show, we require that you are a www.ofu.org.uk sage for the kids, inundated with scur-Member. Membership for four years — rilous anti-Canadian propaganda as itcosts one pound. Membership is may be. A most splendid time is guar-restricted to members of the University

USSU Elections for Exec & Central Members

Week 5 21/09/00 Bare Arts 7

native US’...though success in the US doesn’t necessarily mean success here!Single of the week Singles7/10 O.C. MODJO - Lady (Hear Me RED VENOM - Follow Me (All AroundTonight) McCLUSKY – Rice is Nice (Fuzzbox French production duo Records) The World) ‘Follow Me’ is an interesting little track. A loud raucous 65-second explosion Modjo have combined all the Rap over happy charty backing music that is sure to blow anyone’s mind away. right ingredients to make They claim to be the loudest three-piecewith rather gospel like interludes. Thethis a club classic: smooth gospel-esque parts are definitely the around and this single will do nothing to best bit of the track. The B side is agrooves, catchy basslines dispel such claims and will have and funky guitar chords... a American pop-punk pretenders cryingslower violin accompanied track, about the usual ‘I came from a bad neighbour- for their mums. Punk at its most raw, be hit! 9/10 J.H. hood with drug dealers etc… 7/10 E.C. ready to be blown away. 8/10S.R. MANCHILD - The Cliches Are True MOHOBISHOPI - Drop Jaw (V2) (One Little Indian) Quirky indie rock which belongs in the same class as The Wannadies,From what I’ve heard of this groups earlier songs, they sound very ‘Propellerbine the easy listening melodies ofthat Fatboy Slim exists, or that even an although they’d get As where as Head’ with a touch of ‘The Prodigy’Louis Armstrong and Divine Comedyalso-ran such as Scanty Sandwich Mohobishopi are definitely C+ with a and throw in a trumpet solo to matchpiledrives this into the dirt whilst grin- “good effort” comment on the bottom.mixed in. This track is a happy, jumpy little pop number, the sort of song youthat on ‘All the Time in the World’ toning ironically. 3/10 A.T. The b-sides are gloriously energetic and find yourself dancing to involuntarily.make a very listenable single. B-sides ramshackle. 7/10 A.T. 7/10 E.C. ‘Captain swing’ and ‘Rachael Lately’ doV TWIN - Delinquency (Domino) nothing to change this mood which forWhat V Twin lack in songwriting ability YOMANDA - On The Level LLAMA FARMERS – Snow Whitesome could end in sleep. 6/10S.R.they claw back through sheer daftness. (Manifesto) Taking the whole sound of “People It’s an Ibiza anthem. We have a trance(Beggars Banquet) Indie popsters return to the fray with sin-BON JOVI - Say it isn’t so(Mercury)Wake Up” and adding a 303 bassline beat, a repetitive synth hook, and a con- gle ‘Snow White’ which combines a mixThis is the second single from thethe vocals come on like they were tinuous build up/break down pattern for album ‘Crush’ and is not as rocky as stolen from early Primal Scream sin- all of three minutes. In a club, 2am, bigof melodic pop hooks and searing jagged guitars. This single althoughthe first single ‘it’s my life’.Nonethelessgles. Awkward and not really very good. lights, shuddering bass, yes. In your offering nothing new offers a good footit still appeals with its catchy chorus3/10 A.T. bedroom, no. 7/10 A.T. tapping sing along. B-side ‘Certainlines and funky beat.I still can’t help Square’ offers more scintillating guitarthinking Bon Jovi could write betterSISQUO - Unleash The Dragon (Def STROKE 9 - Nasty Little Thoughts riffs and ‘Wez’ subdues matters to bringsongs though. 6/10 N.M Soul) (Island) Another great tune from Sisquo. An American college band that soundseverything to an emotional end. 7/10 S.R. MARK KNOPFLER - What it isCurrently the single is making its way up like a cross between Weezer andthe (Mercury) the charts, and will remain there until Counting Crows - slow and melodic Fans will be reassured to know that thethe year 3000. At Least. 3/10 J.H. songs mingled with catchy rock pieces.COUSTEAU – Last Good Day of the Year (palm Pictures) former Dire Straits frontman and hal- Not bad for a debut album-the press The perfect song for that long summerslowed guitar picker is sticking to his dietVANESSA AMOROSI - Absolutely release claims that these guys have day lounging in the sun. Costeau com-of shuffling blues-rock.This timeEverybody (Universal) sold ‘well over 250 000 copies in their there’s a lone fiddle on top for thatTake one Britney clone (who actually authentic folky touch, but even this songlooks more like an all American Martine Recommendedis unlikely to impress any Knopfler fans.Mcutchin), strap her to a false Spanish 5/10 N.M fiesta melody, bolt on a flat dance beat, THE SMASHING PUMP- and repeat over and over the title KINS - Try, Try, Try (Virgin) WEEN - Even If You Don’tbetween such lyrical gems as “every- The Intro sounds worryingly (Mushroom) body breathes, everybody needs, upbeat, but any fears are Weezer meets Teenage Fanclub,absolutely everybody”. To add insult to quickly quashed by the there’s little here to catch your attention.injury the interactive cd rom element Pumpkins traditionally There’s certainly nothing wrong with ithas a whole gallery of pictures of melancholy vocals. I see but the second it finishes you forgetVanessa posing on a push scooter (you nothing particularly special what it sounded like. Good video thoughknow the ones, seventy quid from about the track, just the nor- (included on the cd). 5/10 A.T. Woolworths with a free limb severing mal ‘music to be depressed feature), she’s that “down” with the to’ type song that fans will 3” PORN STARS - Rockit Fuel (Grand“kids”. 2/10 A.T. be used to. Even so, ‘Try, Royal) Try, Try is still a good song. Big beat, dance music without the con- 8/10 E.C. tinuous 4/4 beat and with a sense of humour. 3” Porn Stars seem unaware

SONIQUE - Hear My Cry Sonique’s album is riding on the success of the three singles from it; ‘It feels so good’; ‘I put a spell on you’; and the now top ten ‘Sky’, all of which areAlbum of the week Albumsdecent, catchy songs (even if ‘I put a spell on you’BJORK - Selmasongs (One Little doesn’t have the spine tingling effect of the origi-Indian) CUTLAROC - LA Roc Rocs (Skint) nal).Apart from ‘Drama’ and ‘Empty’ with a goodThe soundtrack to Dancer In The Cut La Roc hits the airwaves with his unnatural yetstories, its mostly pop in a box songs on love andDark, the film that won so much criti- settling skint music mixing hip hop with the outer universal suffering.So in democratic fairness Ical acclaim in the Cannes film festi- reaches of big beat. His turn on the world encom-asked new first years what they thought, result -val is a bit bewildering: there is quite pases the scratches of the Bronx with the tweaksit’s hit (add the ‘a’ if you helped it up the chart).a bit of clanking ang clunking going of the 80’s. Evendashes of ambience splice 6/10 O.C. on, and at times it seems like the through the inner fabric on ones consciousness. Icelandic Pixie is just having a laugh 7/10 K.M. PHOTEK - Solaris (Science) in the studio, but one soon forgets all Photek have emerged with their third albumof this when she gets down to pro- BUFFALO TOM - A Sides From Buffalo Tom‘Solaris’ which is far removed from their drum n’ducing what she does best: pure (Beggars Banquet) bass beats, in fact only one track, ‘infinity’ couldmelody. The only downside to the This compilation brings together all the highlights be classed as drum n’ bass.The vocal talents ofalbum is that at only seven tracks of Buffalo Tom to date, reminding us of what was,Robert Owens are used on the tracks ‘Mine tolong, one can’t help but want more. and has remained so special about them - classicGive’ and ‘Can’t come down’, both of which are7/10 J.H song writing that flows from melancholy to exhila-the better tracks on the album.‘Solaris’ is a rating melody without ever lapsing into formula.diverse album, ranging from dark breaks to The collection includes gems like ‘Tailights Fade’,inspired beats but will only appeal to real fans of ‘Birdbrain’ and the cover of the Jam’s ‘Goingthis genre and is not strong enough to gain com- Underground’ that got them into the top 10 lastmercial success. 5/10 N.M year. If you don’t own any Buffalo Tom albums but want to find out about the “the best band in the This weeks reviews are brought to you by: James Hemmingway, Kevin world” (Melody Maker), get hold of this album! Marston, Oliver Chamera, Nigel Martin, Andrew Thomas, Simon Robinson, and 7/10 O.C. Emma Clarke. 8 Bare Arts 21/09/00 Shock Rubbed up! Brassy @ The LA2, 9th September It’s not so much that Brassy songs all sound the same but that we endure them for Cock twice as long as even they’d like us to. Brassy are playing in the “intimate” confines of the Astoria’s second room to their great and good, a free entry show for those on the mailing list. The gig is for a Japanese music show which needs over an hour’s footage, tough going for a band who’s album spans just 43 minutes (and 17 songs). The drawl of lead singer Muffin (comparable only to those waitresses in Rock! American road movies) calls out over the punchy funk basslines and choppy guitar. Occasionally the drummer stops his hiphop beats and scratches eighties loops out of the strategically placed decks, but it seems like a gimmick rather than an The Fighting Cocks @ Camden HQ Club, 15th September actual enhancement. There are highlights though, the punky ramraid of ‘Good The first thing you hear is the hiss of ropy old vinyl in it’s deathrows, a jumble saleTimes’ plus the down and dirty lollop of ‘I Can’t Wait’. It’s just a shame that for every quality record of brass band set pieces. Then the beats come, and three acid tripgood track there seem to be three or four others featuring derivatives of it. When pantomime fairies shuffle onto the stage and half sing/half bawl their way throughthey disappear into a ten minute breakdown followed by a Muffin only rap name ‘Love Somebody, Yes I Do’ - sort of like Steps remixed by Alec Empire. Then itchecking everyone she knows it’s time to move on. Andrew Thomas gets more aggressive and a man not looking dissimilar to Mr C from The Shaman comes out from the shadows and throttles his guitar as if he was wrestling a particularly agitated python. White noise and hissy breakbeats cloud the atmosphere as the girls give up singing and just let rip in a fitting primal scream. “That was ‘Come On You C***ts’”, the fairy with pink dreadlocks says sweetly afterwards. TheHair Raising! set continues in a similar vein, picking up samples of everything from Arabic snake charming music to ‘Pinky and the Brain’ along the way. Simultaneously the mostGel/Sugar Coma/Venus In Furs @ Kings X Waterats, 9th exciting and the most hideous sound created for years. Excellent. AndrewSeptember Thomas Venus In Furs are a blast of “glitter and sparkles” from Darlington, a two boy two girl powerpunkpop explosion complete with northern wit and sly smiles. Musically bearing more than a passing resemblance to Kenickie the teenage foursome stake their claim in the future of rock n’ roll. Unfortunately the audience aren’t particular- The Kids Arely interested. The audience are interested very much in the now of bona fide RAWK! They are here for Sugar Coma, three girls and a boy with enough angst and pain to blow away recent memories of their GCSE exams. Some people might call them ‘neu metal’, it being blatantly obvious their year zero was probably ‘Follow The Leader’, and that their recent success is a result of the confusion of Alright! modern day adolescence. The cynics might point out they’ve only got this far because they sound like Kittie. Which they do. Little of their set comes close to Manchild/Trayscrape originality but when you limit yourself to the bottom three notes on your guitar what @ Surrey Union, do you expect. Gel are punkpop, the last generation. A band who will forever be linked to 1997/8, “bratpop”, and a constant diet of pogo friendly powerchord punk 17th September 2000 tunes before everyone detuned their e string. They smile, they bounce, lead singer John (19 going on 12) makes the girls scream and even attempts to rap on one of As freshers explore the Union for the few new songs, which he profusely apologises for afterwards. The encore the first time what better way for comes with a suitably punky take on ‘Eternal Flame’, a song which most of Sugar them to be introduced to it than by Coma’s audience can’t even remember.Andrew Thomas Trayscrape. “Hi, we’re Trayscrape and we hope you have a really good time here”, vocalist Samad calls to the crowd, just before the drums kick in and he follows up with “GAAARRRRGGGGHHH- HH!!!!”. Trayscrape are rock incar- nate, a band following in the heavy footsteps of Limp Bizkit and Rage Against The Machine. Some newcomers look scared and run away, but many stay and obligingly bang their heads to the floor shuddering bass, distressed guitar, slick scratching, and brashly delivered vocals. The effect is somewhat spoilt by what amounts to using the band as a PA for Union events in the coming week, but Trayscrape are still ‘keeping it real’ and annoying as Manchild many people as they inspire. A sign of a truly great band!

Manchild on the other hand couldn’t be more different. Out goes the low dirty bass and wall of noise guitar and in comes some squelchy electronic backing and an inoffensive strumming. The frontman raps and calls to the crowd as his mate unconvincingly breakdances next to him and the techy guys hide at the back with the drummer. Attempting to cross dance music with rock only very rarely works and this case they almost manage it a few times. The problem is that it is hard to know what to do. Is this a band to dance to FNO style, or are we supposed to bounce and clap? Some people seem to like it but the frontman seems a little unconvinced by the lack of cheering at the end of songs. Still, given some more time (and per- Future Sunday Night Live Bands are N.A.S.H, L.S.K, Attica haps billing on a more suitable night?) Manchild could still be looking to dent, oh, at least the top 75. Andrew Thomas Blues, Mushtaq, & Others. Come down and support some of the newest talent in the music scene with bands varying from Indie - Garage - Big Beat - R ‘n’ B artists 21/09/00 Bare Arts 9

leantThe obvious gag when someone is stu- pid enough to leave you their key is to The First Year... turn everything upside down or recon- struct their bedroom in the kitchen. By the time you read this article, you ing pit. If you have a chest freezer in With one particular floormate, how- will probably be sick to death of fresh-your kitchen, then “see how many peo- ever, we hesitated before select- ers’ magazines and leaflets which ple you can fit in a freezer” is another ing this option. Probably ceaselessly regurgitate those old clich-good sport, though sadly lacking in the because we all fancied this girl, ...Andwe went for the much gentler es about students not being able to modern Olympics. cook, drinking like fishes, and having option of filling her room with so much sex that their nobs shrivel upAn issue that you will have to tackle as balloons. Not desperately like pickled gherkins. These subjects a fresher is registration with the health funny, I admit, but we are the themes of millions of articles service, and a precautionary tale might How Tothought it would be quite a that appear in student newspapers atbe of use here. Registration itself isn’t laugh if we could completely this time of year, so I felt it my duty toa problem - it is the little plastic pot that fill it. Chock full. Right up to concentrate on some of the slightly they ask you to take away and fill with the ceiling. With our goal more important aspects of life as a firsturine that causes hassle. Well, it set, a team of six of us set- year. caused me hassle, anyway. I had never Survivetled in front of the TV with a consumed so much alcohol in my life few cans and sat blowing bal- By now you may well have fallen intoas I did during freshers’ week, and I loons for three hours solid. the ritual of going to the Union and was terrified of providing a sample in You would not believe how then ending up back in someone’s case they returned it with a note say- many sodding balloons are kitchen, eating toast and drinking cof-ing: “Excuse me, but you seem to have It!needed to fill a Surrey Court bed- fee. This can be quite a test of your supplied us with a pot of neat vodka by room. One hundred? Two hundred? conversational ability, but you can limpmistake.” Also, the large quantity of against Three hundred? Nope. Several sod- by in the first week with those old alcohol in my veins meant that the a bed- ding thousand, it turns out. After our chestnuts: “Where do you come chance of me being able to wee with room door mammoth blowing up session we had from?”, “What A levels did you do?”, sufficient precision to hit the mouth ofwith some water in just enough balloons to provide a and “Have you got a boyfriend back the pot were nil. I toyed with the idea ofthe seat. When the inhabi- pathetic one-balloon deep covering in home?”. By the second week, though,filling it with diluted apple juice, but intant opens the door, the the room. We were bitterly disappoint- this cop-out small talk is all a bit the end I waited until I felt sufficiently chair falls towards them, ed, but were cheered up immensely tedious and something else is neededsober to fill it. Since I had already gonedrenching their fifty-quid Nikes. when we realised that popping the bal- to break the embarrassing silences. a week without a nurse knocking on myAnother joke, which causes a loons had the unintentional side effect This is when “Kitchen Olympics” can door and demanding that I hand overgood deal of upset with the mini- of spreading a thin film of beer-fra- save the day: any kitchen object thatmy piss forthwith, I placed the pot on mum of effort is to blow cress granced-dribble across her room. vaguely resembles an item of sportingmy windowsill and forgot about it. I for-seeds under the door with a hairdry- equipment can be pressed into actiongot about it so long, in fact, that a whiteer when someone goes away for the Ah, heady days. Your carefree days as in an attempt to recreate the ancient precipitate formed at the bottom, turn-weekend. With frequent watering, a fresher are far too short to be worried Greek games in a Twyford Court KUB.ing the pot into one of those snowstormcampus carpets make ideal growing about cooking, drinking, and [not] hav- Saucepan lids are good for trying yourtoys. Still, it made a nice Christmas mediums, and by the end of the week-ing sex. And being a boring studious hand at the discus, and frying pans present for my little brother. end your housemate will have a nice fart is a job for the final years, so make make good tennis rackets, with wash- garnish for their cheese sandwiches.sure you take the time to enjoy the ing-up sponges replacing the ball. Practical jokes are a feature of campus finer elements of campus life. Andy Tables turned on their sides double aslife that freshers pick up alarmingly My floormates had the custom of leav-Gale hurdles, and a big pile of cornflakes onquickly. Waterchairs are a common ing their keys with another resident the floor makes a good longjump land-prank, where a plastic kitchen chair iswhen going away for the weekend, so that friends could borrow their room. 10 Bare Arts 21/09/00

A great main character, cynical to the BareFictionend, is the perfect person to set off on this adventure with. The less interesting Review of A Clockwork Orange background story, which involves a by Anthony Burgess three-way relationship, works well in providing the necessary distractions. The first thing that strikes you about this book is the difficulty in understandingCool light reading, very hard to put Burgess’ prose (a queer mix ofdown. Cockney slang) although, once adjust- ed to, a deeper scene is painted by theReview of Tenterhooks complex language. by Suzannah Dunn

The story concerns the young incendi-Slacking off on your Biology field trip, ary Alex and his escapades of violence,accepting the situation of a broken drug taking, and increasing conceited-home, telling your mum that you’re ness as he drinks drencrome at the milkgoing on the pill, emigrating to a deso- bar before a night of high violence.late Spanish village, spying on the Once the tables have turned on Alex,neighbours’ intriguing housekeeper, however, the whole thing becomes a lotbreaking up with your lover, and talking more interesting where the society thatto the ghost of your once so lively and Alex has been abusing exerts itseccentric uncle. revenge. This is the environment to the absorb- Themes involving a controlling society,ing world that Suzannah Dunn reveals the stage of growing up, and the thinin this beautifully written collection of line between madness and sanity, “Ashort stories. Dunn’s contemporary Clockwork Orange” brings together theprose is wonderfully poetic, yet easily problems with both the teenage andaccepted. adult worlds where an avoidance of a depressing reality can be taken to theOne of those rare books to capture you, extreme. make you understand and spin you round before throwing you back into the As highlighted by the success of thereality of your own troubled life. film of the book, this is a story that could be set in any time period. A great introduction to one of the most important writers around at the In many ways though the book is bettermoment. than the film, a deeper understanding of Alex’ world is portrayed within the text and the use of set pieces is masterful.Poetry Corner Girl at the Bus Stop The narrative of a frightened lunatic Nothing to look at any more which is alarmingly realistic. By all Unless you feel like a good time accounts a classic. Past experience leads to this Guaranteed to last for longer Review of Are You Experienced by William Sutcliffe Once the fancy of the town She took advantage of her age One of the best travelling books doesn’tForgot their names, forgot the mess get to the travelling part for quite a As they forgot her while, but instead sets the scene and builds the characters so you know themAnd the past triumphs are all she has and are with them when they set off. to hold onto This way the underlying theme of “that ‘Cause now she has to settle for year off abroad” is more freely explored something less once it gets going. Those days of old were once so tough Why are all these students travelling?Those small regrets are not important Where do they all get their money from? Do they really find themselves?If you want to write any poetry or for that Do those who tell you they know it allmatter anything else for bare arts then really know it all? please contact Chris Morton at [email protected]. 21/09/00 Bare Arts 11

Jim used to live quite near me at the time and we A SHORT STORY walked home together. I jokingly asked him if he was I didn’t think I was getting anywhere. It was embar-going out with Helene yet and he gave me some dis- It was just like any other night; we’d gone downrassing ‘cause my mates kept looking at me when Imissive answer of how he didn’t know what was going the pub straight from work. Everyone had had awas talking to Tanya and making gestures at me. I sorton. I think he was pissed off about how he hadn’t got shit day and we were all acting really laddish,of wanted to talk to her properly but what with mya shag. downing pints at the bar, determined to get reallymates and her mates we didn’t really have the pissed and have a good night. I usually hate thatchance. I just made the odd remark and listened to theWe cut across the park and walked in silence, thinking kind of shit, I would always take the piss out of allinane conversation of her friends, nodding my headabout the evening behind us. I was thinking about the beer tossers with their “Lager, lager, getand laughing at the appropriate moments. I thought I’dTanya, Jim was thinking about Helene, I knew pissed, yeah,” but this time I guess I was one ofoffer to buy her another drink or something but I wasbecause of how he used to go all silent and serious them. I’d gone down with Bradby, Dave and Graztoo pissed to move. It went on like this for about anwhen he was thinking about something close to his and we’d bumped into some of Dave’s mates whohour. heart or when he was planning. That’s what he was were all beer tossers. For once it was the kind of doing probably. Planning. Whereas me, I was just break I’d needed. I was so pissed: To me the pubWhen the pub finished Graz came over and said thatsmiling, satisfied with the little attention that I’d got. I was like one of those weird movies with fancythey were going on to a club, I said I might be downwas always far too satisfied. camera work; everyone kept appearing in front ofshortly. Then Tanya’s mates left and it was just me me and then disappearing again. Parts of conver-and her, I think it was planned. I didn’t really knowWe were walking along in silence when we saw sations came and went. what to do then. I asked Tanya if she wanted to comesparks in the middle of the field ahead of us. As we got to the club with me but she said “No,” and that shecloser we heard voices, and saw the dark silhouettes I was just considering the next pint when I noticed thiswanted to go home. I thought that was it but as sheof the two bodies. It was Alex and Paul messing about group of girls, sitting on the table opposite us, whowas about to leave she said, “Aren’t you comingwith gunpowder. Luckily they had cigarettes, and were obviously talking about me. One of them keptthen?” some JD. Me and Jim sat down and watched them looking over and then she’d turn back to her friends continue. Paul told us how they were trying to make a and they’d all start looking at me and laughing. We walked out of the pub together, chatting more thisbong out of all the gunpowder they had. We weren’t time. Maybe it was the drink but as we walked downreally listening. It wasn’t long before Bradby saw what was going on.the road I remember marvelling at how sexy she was. He was really pissed too; he kept leaning towards meI wondered when I should make a move. I wonderedI sat there bored for ages, drinking the JD to keep me saying “Go on, get in there,” and then falling back onif she really wanted me to, or if she just wanted me towarm. Jim said they should make a fire but Alex was- the bar again. Graz started saying that I should gowalk her home, she was pretty young and that. In’t that enthusiastic about the idea. We decided to go over and talk to them because “Fuck it, it’s worth a try.”thought about suggesting going for a smoke down theto Alex’s van instead. Smoke some gear. I began to realise that he was right and suddenly start-beach but I didn’t know if it was her sort of thing. Then ed to get nervous, butterflies in my stomach and allI started wondering why I hadn’t seen her aroundIt was a fucking long walk though. I remember think- that. I knew that I should make a move, I knew that I’dbefore and thought about what if she wasn’t even aing that I wanted to be in bed really but I hate missing regret it the next day if I didn’t but the inertia had hit in.GCSE student? out. Then Jim started moaning that he couldn’t find his I guess it was the risk of humiliation and rejection. I keys. I think they’d fallen out of his pocket when he’d started saying that I couldn’t be bothered and that itWhen we turned the corner though things started tosat down. He started saying that we should all go back wasn’t worth it but the others didn’t pay any attentionhappen, maybe even too quickly. Tanya was sudden-and help him find them but none of us could be arsed and continued egging it on. I remember wanting toly all over me, didn’t know how to kiss properly andso we just said we’d meet him at the van. stay at the bar in the comfort of my own social groupshe was near choking me with her tongue. Of courseChris Morton but they were becoming less of a comfort. I was pissed and I didn’t really care that much but I kept thinking about how young she seemed. Then she I began thinking “Why should I have to make the fistwas pushing me up against the wall and she started move? If she’s interested she’ll come over to us.” Theunbuttoning her shirt. I said that we couldn’t do anything is, I don’t see why it’s the bloke who always hasthing there and she grabbed my hand and to do the chatting up. I mean it would be a lot easier ifdragged me across the road to where the girls did. Blokes are far too inactive; everyone wouldpublic toilets were, leading me into the be a lot happier if it was the other way round. But theregirls one. again sometimes it was better to be male: I had my goal and I was in control. All I had to do was go overWhen we were in there I think she started and say something and I’d be in. Unless she wasn’ttrying to give me a blow job or something interested. Unless she said “What? Who are you?but she didn’t know what she was doing What are you talking about?” and all that rejectionand started touching all the wrong places. shit. I was so pissed and it was in a fucking public toilet for fuck’s sake. My mates were still egging it on. I thought back to when I’d gone down the pub once with Chris, when II’d had enough. I said that I didn’t want to was egging him on. It was far easier being on that sidedo anything in a place like that. Tanya of the situation. On that night the girl’s mate had final-stood up and buttoned her shirt. I ly come up to him and told him that her friend wasremained where I was, too drunk to move. interested. I remember hoping that wouldn’t happen toShe started to shout at me about how I me because of it being an even worse situation to bewas useless and how I’d led her on and in. At least by being the initiator you stayed at a dom-asked me what I was expecting. I could inant level. Graz was now telling me that if I didn’t gotell that she was insulted. She gave me a over then he would do it for me. I picked up my pintkick in the bollocks, which was really fuck- and went over to the table full of girls. ing painful, and then ran out.

I was really fucked. I just said “Hello,” sat down at theirI thought about following Tanya but I table and waited for them to say something. One ofcouldn’t really be bothered with it. Instead the girls (I think her name was Jo) introduced me toI lay on the dirty floor and reminisced the girl who’d been looking at me. Her name wasabout where I’d gone wrong. Then this Tanya. Jo said, “Tanya thinks you’re really horny.” Ihead rush started to hit in. I figured that I’d responded with an “Oh, right,” and carried on drinking.had too much to drink. I reached down to I was beginning to get a headache. button up my trousers and the toilet reap- peared. I got out of there pretty quick. The headache got worse as I listened to their conversation. One of the girls was going on about how she’dOn the way out I saw Jim and Helene get- met Damon at a back stage Blur gig. How he was “Soting off by the hedge. I was going to ignore nice,” and “Really intelligent, he didn’t say much butthem and headed off home but then he’d always understand what you were talking about.”Helene walked off and Jim ran up to me Yeah, right. Whatever. Tanya asked me what kind ofasking me what I’d been up to in the girls music I was into and I said that I was an indie kid. Shetoilets. I said that I’d just been throwing up said that she was too because she liked Blur andand that I hadn’t realised that I was in the Oasis. girls one. Jim found this quite funny. 12 Ents Planner 21/09/00 21/09/00 Gossip, Sex & The Universe 13

While amongst these thriving girls it suddenly dawned The Frustrations of a Petrol Crisison me that if we women were getting enough we LIFEAFTERTHEWOMb wouldn’t need vibrators. Or maybe that the men ofby Rich W If you were a man in the union on Wednesday nightcampus don’t meet the sexual demands of these gals. and got lucky, one thing I can promise you is that itMaybe you should ask yourself if you are performing to a high enough standard. Seeing as it’s fresher’s week, I felt obligated to offer wasn’t your stunning good looks, witty nature or your some advice to the rosy cheeked ‘virgins’ that are charm that got you that love action. Did you go to the joining us. It doesn’t amount to much, but is some- fruit and veg stall on Thursday and wonder why all theThe delivery was due on the following Tuesday and everyone of those girls went home with a 7 inch orderthing that will most certainly be required: a list of cucumbers and other phallic shaped vegetables were things to do when bored in a lecture. Because, sold out? Both these occurrences were a result of theand a happy knowing smile and dreamt of what was come (no pun intended). hard as it may seem, you do get bored in lectures, petrol crisis. Honest! …….Shall I start at the begin- and so instead of testing your eye-lid’s ability to stay ning? However, how were any of us to know the nightmareopen, try some of the following: First Tuesday back, I found myself in the company ofof the petrol crisis was just around the corner. Black Tuesday arrived and went with no delivery. Tensions-play hangman 20 sexy females. -play i-spy We were all fighting over an Anne Summers cata-were running high, frustrations were unbear- able…………even the angel had a one 2 one! -count the words on your page logue determined to find the biggest, most natural, yet -write a list of things to do when bored in a lecture excitingly pleasurable, vibrator. So there you go, that’s why you pulled on Wednesday-swap seats with the person next to you Questions like “ do you think the “promise” does what -invent an imaginary friend who you don’t like and it says?” and “ what do you think of the joystick/war-night, by Wednesday something had to be done and why were there were no cucumbers on Thursday,can argue with rior/totem pole (delete as appropriate)” were flying -try to balance your text-book/folder on the person’s around the room. Out of 30 “personal pleasure stimu-massive frustrations had to have their own deliver- ance, perhaps I’m right. head in front of you without them noticing lators” a select few were realised for their potential -fall asleep and, after careful dissection of the catalogue, £200 P.S. Look out on Friday…they still haven’t arrived!!! -swap clothes with the person next to you worth of multi-speed products were ordered. By my -swap clothes with the person behind you calculations that was almost 20 vibrators. By Tinkerbell -swap clothes with any attractive member of the opposite sex -leave Big Sister engaged one. Having fun in bed yet??? Are you-make a hand-puppet out of your right sock cross-eyed? Perhaps you should meet with the Beast-make a hand-puppet out of your left sock to keep and share notes! the other sock company So, you’ve had two weeks back and boy can we tell. -ask irrelevant questions to throw the lecturer (eg, Moral dilemmas have shot through the roof this week.The Freshers have all arrived and safely tucked up inwhich is higher: a royal flush or a straight?) There have been a lot of little Miss and Mrbed but have they decided who with yet?? Will the-make up silly words and use them seriously in Naughtiness going on and some of it right under yourboyfriends/girlfriends last or will the temptation ofconversation very nose. Who needs Big Brother??? older men and women bring them to their knees? We-get a piece of paper and try to get everyone in the shall find out and bring you updates throughout theroom to sign it The beast is back and could be in your bedroom asyear. -try to start the coughing thing, where everyone we write this!! So far the sturdy member of his body starts coughing ( in unison for the advanced ) has stuck itself into campus life and seems to beYou’d better watch out because their are two girls out-read my column enjoying it. Of course there’s always the problem ofthere who are watching you and if you don’t want the-ridicule my column messy nights and jeans that have to be washed. Thewhole of Campus to know, keep it behind closed-display indifference to my column sacrifices you make darling! doors! Because the raving nymphos that you know-organise a presidential campaign to become the we are, are out to score and you fellow students arefirst non-american president of the USA The lake has become a popular hotspot once morethe targets!! Big Sister is watching you!! -start a mexican wave with naughty behaviour. Was there some funky phal- -dream up a highly contagious life-threatening lic action going on or were you merely fishing?? WhoBy Tinkerbell disease knomes, we’re sure you do!! -tell the person next to you that you have a highly ed. if you have any gossip or you want to expand your per- contagious life-threatening disease Apparently the Jordanian God has been up to mis-sonals then send it to Big Sister at [email protected] -keep touching the person next to you and tell them chief with some three way action on Wednesday that you’d like to sleep with them night. The girls want him but which one will heDisclaimer: This is purely a gossip column and should-start coughing on the person next to you choose??? The blondies jealous but he’s seeing thebe taken with a pinch salt -tell the person next to you that the last person you coughed on died in less than 10 minutes, so they might as well sleep with you Personals -MATT BROWN is available and majorly up for some-flirt with the lecturer using eye contact, inadvertent TLC! as is the SHARKER... a Mr. PHIL WHEELER touches and obvious come-ons in questions, such Schindles strikes! as ‘that’s all very well in this context, but what -Peel, Peel, Peel.Why do you keep doing it?????? about in bed?’. (don’t forget to wink) -To all the hunky MEng Mechies who have returned -tie your shoe-laces together and try to forget you -The backdoor’s still open in Rio to Uni once AGAIN. Yer Bastards!! have done so by the end of the lecture Der KAIser lives on... and offshore!! -try and think of nothing -Lias, Sarah, Jo and Claire, see u very soon to party -develop the life-threatening disease you thought of on down! - Lou xxx -M,Get those knickers up, and down, and to the earlier, curl up in a ball, shout ‘mother, i don’t want side!!!! to die now, not having listened to this for an hour’, -ELISKA WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO? and then pop your clogs. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE WHO -Benb! Woo ure here atlast get ready to do those HELPED WITH MY MOVE, COME ROUND AND Imoves ive been telling you about! The possibilities are a bit like the bbc’s coverage of WILL GIVE YOU A VODKA (CO) the Olympics: endless. Actually, come to think of it, -Nicki, Go on girl, u know u want to really, let ureselfthey’re a bit like my grandmother’s wool supply as -IS IT OK TO FALL ASLEEP IN LECTURES IF THEgo! well... LECTURER DOESNT NOTICE???? -hola! to all ‘las chicas inglesas’ from Castellon -Kelvin. other womens boobs are for playing with. 2000, thanks for such an unforgtable time girlies xx

-Oi HB! Keep your hands off those freshers! -AH would like to state that he and LK have NOT eloped, or, then gottendivorced !! -Can anyone help me find : 2 Cushions and 4 set of marbles. Lose on Saturday the 9th September. -Val and Janet (Surrey Court), beware of idle chat- ter... -Mmm, Steve you look yummy in that pinny!Worth getting a drink for any day! Love, A xxx -Do all old people smell of wee, or is it just chefs?”

-TO ALL SINGLE WOMEN!! -why is your beer so expensive? 14 Careers 21/09/00 With Fudge it won’t budge!!! Dr Russ Realistic jobs are those which you'd be Dear Russ reasonably happy doing and which are usually easier to get into. Even if I'm one of those people who has plen-they're not your first choice, they may HAIRTEC ty of ideas for careers buzzing throughturn out to be satisfying in other ways my head, but I can't seem to narrow and, who knows, could provide a step- 24 Madrid Road them down. What should I do? ping stone into your ideal job in due course. (01483) 440414 Dear Chris You can probably ignore the material- I'll run a few suggestions past you istic at this stage since it is really only which might help. First of all, there isa fall-back position for dealing with the Reduced nothing stopping you from applying forpossibility of having nothing at all lined several different things at the same up by the time you graduate. You prices for time. For example, you could apply might, for example, need to do some- for, say, accountancy and IT or thing just to earn some money after research and production. The impor-the financial stress of being a student! Students tant thing is to make sure that you jus- tify your choice on the application formBy the way, there is nothing stopping Tuesday’s - and give a good account of yourself atyou applying for both jobs and post- the interview. After all, if you're some-graduate study. They needn't interfere one with a range of interests and with each other until you get offers Friday’s skills, why shouldn't you be suited tofrom both. It's another way to keep more than one type of work? If you'reyour options open. inclusive asked in an interview why you've applied for other things, all you have toFinally, if you'd like some idea of just say is that you'd be equally good at how competitive certain jobs are, try those! using the Job Descriptions file in the Careers Office. This information is Secondly, you might find it helpful to provided for several hundred occupa- prioritise your applications into three tions. groups: idealistic, realistic and materi- alistic. If your 'favourite' job happensI do hope this helps. Keep in touch. Lloyds to be something like journalism, PR, Chemist advertising or publishing, then you can expect a huge amount of competitionRuss Clark from other applicants. These all fall Madrid into the idealistic category. You can PS The Careers Fair on Thursday The Astolat still give it your best shot but you might5th October in the Austin Pearce Road like to keep something up your sleeveBuilding between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. may help you to narrow things down. as a safety net in case it doesn't work Apollo Video Store out. Obtaining reliable information usually xNewsagent leads to better career choice. A FOOD GUIDE FOR FRESHERS COMPETITION Right so you’ve got to university, you’ve sampled the2 slices of bread In conjunction with New Zealand Lamb we delights of the food eateries on Campus, and nowcheese have six copies of ‘Famous Family Food’ you’ve decided, or at least you will be very shortly that1 teaspoon of mustard cookery books for you to win and a chance is, that unless you want a severe dent in your student2 teaspoons of margarine loan, and you don’t want your body mass to increasea dash of Worcestershire sauce to win a stainless steel saucepan set. All by twice its size, you are going to have to start cook- you have to do is answer the following ing some of your own meals. Some of you I’m sureMash the grated cheese, mustard, and margarinequestion and send your answer to will already be very accomplished in the kitchen, buttogether. Toast the bread on one side, under the [email protected] with your contact for those of you aren’t here are a few recipes to getOnce toasted turn it over, when the bread crispens butdetails. you started. Each recipe has a fried egg ratingis not yet brown spread the cheese and margarine depending on how difficult it is to carry out, 1 being themixture on top, sprinkle on some Worcester sauce, easiest, 3 being the most difficult for those of you whoand then grill for a further two minutes until it is bub-Q)Zoe Ball makes her cheesecake for are feeling move adventurous. bling and brown. which famous DJ?

Scrambled Egg on Toast Noodles with Chinese-style Lamb a) DJ Larry ‘da’ Lamb It takes 3 minutes 15 minutes, Serves 2 Serves 1 person. b) Dolly DJ 1 layer of egg-noodles c) Norman Cooke 2 slices of bread 1 tablespoon of oil 2 eggs 4 spring onions 1 tablespoon of milk 1 red pepper 1 tablespoon of margarine 175g lamb 1 small can of sweetcorn Beat the egg and the milk together, melt the mar-1 tablespoon of soy sauce garine in a small saucepan over a low heat. Put the2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce bread in the toaster. When the margarine is melted1 teaspoon mint sauce. add the egg and milk mixture, stir the mixture contin- uously, not allowing the egg mixture to stick to theFollow the instructions on the noodle packet to soak pan. It should take about 2 minutes for the eggs tothem. Chop the spring onions and the peppers finely, reach a medium set. Serve the eggs on the butteredWhile the noodles are soaking heat the oil in a toast. saucepan, once the oil is warm fry the spring onions, red peppers and lamb for 5 minutes. Add the rest of As a variation you can add a handful of cheese whenthe ingredients and continue to stir-fry for a further you put the egg and milk mixture in the pan. minute. Once the noodles are cooked, drain them and add them to the saucepan. Mix together thor- Cheese Rarebit (that’s Rarebit not rabbit!) oughly and serve. 7 minutes, serves 1 21/09/00 Ads 15

NoticeNoticess

AGMS EGMS

Chinese Asian Society AGM Unplugged/Live 22nd September EGM on 21st September, 6-8PM LTB at 6pm in HRB

MOTION AGM Gamesoc EGM Friday 22nd Sept Sunday 24th September 7pm Roots Lecture Theatre A 2.30pm For details contact ch71ph@sur- Windsurfing AGM rey.ac.uk Week 4 More details to follow Womens Football EGM Week 5 MaD Soc Details to follow Guys & Dolls production. Meeting on Monday 25th at 6 pm. TB 18. Drama workshops, weds noons. GENERAL More info coming soon. NOTICES Law Society AGM 6.00pm CAR FOR SALE Friday 6th October Fiat Uno 45, (called Mario) Grant Mitchell Room E-registration, White with black bonnet, Hazel Farm Society AGM MOT June 2001, Tax, Thursday 28th September A good reliable car. 7.30pm Common Room, Hazel £350 Farm contact UniS ext. 6598

Phat Vibes AGM University of Surrey Monday 2nd October Football Club Trials VACANCIES 6pm Hari's Bar rd FULL TIME & PART TIME Biosoc AGM Saturday 23September Tuesday 5th October 10am at the Varsity Centre EVENINGS, WEEKENDS LUNCH TIMES 1pm 23AY19 Everybody welcome For more details, please phone: HOURS TO SUIT Turkish Society AGM Trigger (01483 837813) or Tuesday 9th October Darrell (Campus ext. 52035) or 7pm Hari's bar Robin (07909 968304)

BENEFITS INCLUDE FREE MEALS, CAR Economics Society TOPLACEANOTICEINTHISSECTION Thursday 28th October PLEASEEMAIL PARKING, HOLIDAY PAY, BONUSES 6.30PM Chancellors [email protected]

Q What’s the newest sport in the Q Who are the current Southern £5.62 per Hour* Olympic Games ? regional league BUSA champions ? (Fri, Sat and Sun evenings after 6pm) Q Which team at the University of A Women’s Waterpolo !!!!! Surrey was voted the most improved last year ? Come and try it down at the £4.50 per Hour Q Which women’s team got to the Spectrum on Monday 9-10pm, and (Starting rate at all other times) semi-finals of the BUSA’s last year?Tuesday 6-7pm.

Burger King North Street Burger King Ladymead Retail Park (By the A3/Wooden Bridge) Guildford

Drop in and fill in an application form today! Or Phone 01483-539822 / 01483-579311 SURRESURREYYPRIDPRIDEE

FIVE – STAR SPJELDNAES Mountaining Walking - not just hard work!

Horsley 1 Hello and welcome to all Freshers, and all continuingif it’s raining, and of course much more convenient USFC 1stXI 5 students who have previously been involved with thefor drinking purposes!). Mountain Walking Club (or Hiking Club as it used to The First team continued their excellent start to thebe known). For those of you who don’t know or haveWe welcome any new members, or anyone who just season with a convincing win against a Horsley sideforgotten what we do (although the title may give youwants to come and see what goes on. Check out our who commendably just refused to give up. In thea clue), let me explain. The Mountain Walking Clubweb page via the Students Union Sports pages – final game Norgy superstar Nils Spjeldnaes was toarranges trips and walks around the country. see the photos (apologies to all 99-00 members who play for the University of Surrey it was, once again, would rather not be seen looking quite so gorm- the Surrey defence that provided a wonderful plat-We meet on Tuesday lunchtimes at 1pm in the less!). form for the dynamic front five to strut their stuff. downstairs foyer of the Teaching Block. Myself The opening twenty minutes saw the First team real-(Maddie) Mike or Philippe, (Chairperson, Secretary ly turn on the style, as the opposition did not knowand Treasurer respectively) chair the meetings. At what had hit them. Two goals from Lee Turner andthese meetings, we organise trips and Sunday one for his strike partner, Jim Hemmings, gave thewalks, as well as social events. Absolutely anyone is away side an unassailable lead. With it being Nils’welcome, no commitment is required and we charge swansong for the club it was very pleasing to see hisno subscription fees. All members get a chance to superb technique and super-cool composure rub-have their say in club matters, for example, where bing off on fellow defenders Paul Robinson and Alanwe go and which weekends we go there. Find out Ramsay, as attack after attack was built from themore details next Tuesday at the meeting! back. To give you a taster, our next trip is from Friday Italian full-back Simone Pietri is already providing aevening 29 September, to Sunday 31 September, continental edge to the side and it was he who gaveand we are walking on Dartmoor. As usual we are every opportunity for Steve Catt and Gaz Batty tocamping, and as usual we are very close to a pub rule the midfield roost with some incisive and well(it’s so much easier to pay for pub meals than to try chosen passes. Horsley did manage to get a luckycooking baked beans on a camping stove, especially goal back, but Nils was not going to let this lot ruin the party and a very cheeky nutmeg on his own goal- UniSPORT Information line to clear some danger lifted the whole side as the cry went up of “Nuts!”. Hemmings responded in theMembership Details most appropriate way of all, netting with a 20-yardAll student memberships are now available from the sport centre at the main entrance of Campus. Any mem- cracker. bership bought between now and Christmas will last until August 2001. Prices have not increased since last year: Now the team could relax and Nils treated us to some sublime skills to open up the frail HorsleyFitness Card (unlimited use of fitness club) £30 defence time and again. Turner completed his hatSports & Classes Card (free classes & sports with discount on courses) £30 trick with a precision finish to make the scorelineUniSPORT Card (Both of the above) £40 even more decisive but it was Spjeldnaes who con-(All of the above include the £5 Sports Registration Card) tinued to run the show. His deft touches saw theSports Registration Card (Insurance for any student sport club) £5 team cruise in to full-time and to a very comfortable 5-1 win, with there being no doubt in anyone’s mindAnyone returning from placement and who froze their membership need to let UniSPORT know to make their just how much we will membership valid again. miss Surrey football’s Any member who will be going on placement this term may freeze their membership while they are away but favourite UniSPORT must receive a letter of confirmation that they are going from their department before they go. Scandinavian. Well done team and good Classes luck Nils! Classes for sport (badminton – canoeing), dance (capoeira – belly dancing) and exercise (circuits – TKO aer- obics) have started and information can be obtained from the sport centre.

Courses Courses for sport (yoga – golf), dance (pilates – break dance) and health & fitness (fat buster – UniS living) Walking On Water will start on 25thSeptember. To book on a course and information on courses contact the sport centre.

Neither experience or any equipment is required to Free week to sample any class or course - 25thSeptember to 1stOctober enjoy the ancient sport of surfing. All you need is a bit of time and to be able to swim a little and you can Latino Evening - Friday 6thOctober take part in the sport of choice for Hawian royalty. (tickets available from the Sport Centre) With six surf breaks within an hours drive, we might not live on the coast but there is no excuse for notVarsity Bar hitting the beach on a regular basis. With some ofA refurbished bar offering a food service 7 days a week. An ideal place to watch the Premiership on the big the best surf in the country only 4-5 hours away in screen and other great sporting events while sipping on an ice cold beer. Cornwall, we will also try to make a full weekend trip every month. The club offers free membership and If UniSPORT sell 1500 student memberships by 17.30 on Friday 22ndSeptember there will be a spe- free use of all equipment. All you pay for is petrol cial presentation by UniSPORT staff in the Union that evening. (if there is any available), with a day trip costing around £5 and a weekend to Newquay (Cornwall) £13. We have boards to suit different levels of ability and full winter wetsuits, boots and gloves to keep you warm throughout the winter. More details can be found on the club website (www.geocities.com/surreysurf/home.html), by e- mailing [email protected], by calling 07941035843. Alternatively come along to the sports fayre, this Friday.

The Sports Fayre on 22nd September is NOW at the Sports Hall 11am - 4pm