2010: the Best Men's Stage Monologues and Scenes

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2010: The Best 2010: The Best Men’s Stage Monologues Men’s Stage Monologues and Scenes and Scenes

Edited and with a Foreword Edited and with a Foreword by Lawrence Harbison by Lawrence Harbison

MONOLOGUE AND SCENE STUDY SERIES MONOLOGUE AND SCENE STUDY SERIES

A SMITH AND KRAUS BOOK A SMITH AND KRAUS BOOK HANOVER, NEW HAMPSHIRE HANOVER, NEW HAMPSHIRE

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Published by Smith and Kraus, Inc. Published by Smith and Kraus, Inc. 177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755 177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755 SmithandKraus.com SmithandKraus.com

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays represented in CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays represented in this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of this book are subject to a royalty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copy- the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copy- right Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Common- right Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Common- wealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and wealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproductions such as infor- sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproductions such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation mation storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Pages 171 –176 constitute an extension of into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Pages 171 –176 constitute an extension of this copyright page. this copyright page.

First Edition: September 2010 First Edition: September 2010 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Dan Mehling, [email protected] Cover design by Dan Mehling, [email protected] Book design and production by Julia Hill Gignoux, Book design and production by Julia Hill Gignoux, Freedom Hill Design and Book Production Freedom Hill Design and Book Production

The Scene Study Series 1067-3253 The Scene Study Series 1067-3253 ISBN-13 978-1-57525-773-0 / ISBN-10 1-57525-773-4 ISBN-13 978-1-57525-773-0 / ISBN-10 1-57525-773-4 Library of Congress Control Number: 2010931855 Library of Congress Control Number: 2010931855

NOTE: These scenes are intended to be used for audition and class NOTE: These scenes are intended to be used for audition and class study; permission is not required to use the material for those purposes. study; permission is not required to use the material for those purposes. However, if there is a paid performance of any of the scenes included in However, if there is a paid performance of any of the scenes included in this book, please refer to Rights and Permissions pages 171–176 to this book, please refer to Rights and Permissions pages 171–176 to locate the source that can grant permission for public performance. locate the source that can grant permission for public performance.

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CONTENTS CONTENTS

FOREWORD ...... v FOREWORD ...... v

MONOLOGUES MONOLOGUES AMERICAN WHUP-ASS (3). Justin Warner ...... 2 AMERICAN WHUP-ASS (3). Justin Warner ...... 2 CELL (2). Judy Klass ...... 5 CELL (2). Judy Klass ...... 5 DEFENDER OF THE FAITH (2). Stuart Carolan ...... 8 DEFENDER OF THE FAITH (2). Stuart Carolan ...... 8 DRIVING GREEN. Martin Blank ...... 10 DRIVING GREEN. Martin Blank ...... 10 EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE. Arthur Giron ...... 11 EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE. Arthur Giron ...... 11 EMOTION MEMORY (2). Don Nigro ...... 12 EMOTION MEMORY (2). Don Nigro ...... 12 FARRAGUT NORTH (2). Beau Willimon ...... 16 FARRAGUT NORTH (2). Beau Willimon ...... 16 FROST/NIXON (2). Peter Morgan ...... 21 FROST/NIXON (2). Peter Morgan ...... 21 THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE (3). Mark Schultz ...... 24 THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE (3). Mark Schultz ...... 24 THE GOOD NEGRO. Tracey Scott Wilson ...... 28 THE GOOD NEGRO. Tracey Scott Wilson ...... 28 GROUND. Lisa Dillman ...... 29 GROUND. Lisa Dillman ...... 29 GUINEA PIG SOLO (3). Brett C. Leonard ...... 31 GUINEA PIG SOLO (3). Brett C. Leonard ...... 31 A HUMAN INTEREST STORY (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL). A HUMAN INTEREST STORY (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL). Carlos Murillo ...... 36 Carlos Murillo ...... 36 IN THE SAWTOOTHS (2). Dano Madden ...... 40 IN THE SAWTOOTHS (2). Dano Madden ...... 40 LOST GENERATION. Don Nigro ...... 42 LOST GENERATION. Don Nigro ...... 42 MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO HEAVEN. Russell Davis ...... 43 MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO HEAVEN. Russell Davis ...... 43 MEATBALL HERO. Richard Vetere ...... 45 MEATBALL HERO. Richard Vetere ...... 45 MISTAKES WERE MADE (2). Craig Wright ...... 46 MISTAKES WERE MADE (2). Craig Wright ...... 46 NEW JERUSALEM. David Ives ...... 49 NEW JERUSALEM. David Ives ...... 49 NEXT FALL. Geoffrey Nauffts ...... 50 NEXT FALL. Geoffrey Nauffts ...... 50 9 CIRCLES. Bill Cain ...... 52 9 CIRCLES. Bill Cain ...... 52 THE OPTIMIST. Jason Chimonides ...... 53 THE OPTIMIST. Jason Chimonides ...... 53 OUR HOUSE (2). Theresa Rebeck ...... 54 OUR HOUSE (2). Theresa Rebeck ...... 54 PARASITE DRAG (2). Mark Roberts ...... 57 PARASITE DRAG (2). Mark Roberts ...... 57 PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY. Craig Lucas ...... 59 PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY. Craig Lucas ...... 59 PUSSY BOY (2). Christine Evans ...... 60 PUSSY BOY (2). Christine Evans ...... 60 RAVISHED. Don Nigro ...... 64 RAVISHED. Don Nigro ...... 64 REENTRY (2). Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez ...... 66 REENTRY (2). Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez ...... 66

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THE REST OF THE NIGHT (2). Robert Lewis Vaughan ...... 70 THE REST OF THE NIGHT (2). Robert Lewis Vaughan ...... 70 ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’. Mark Saltzman ...... 74 ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’. Mark Saltzman ...... 74 THE ROOKY WOOD. Don Nigro ...... 76 THE ROOKY WOOD. Don Nigro ...... 76 ROUGH SKETCH. Shawn Nacol ...... 78 ROUGH SKETCH. Shawn Nacol ...... 78 SLIPPING. Daniel Talbott ...... 79 SLIPPING. Daniel Talbott ...... 79 SMUDGE. Rachel Axler ...... 81 SMUDGE. Rachel Axler ...... 81 SOUL SAMURAI. Qui Nguyen ...... 83 SOUL SAMURAI. Qui Nguyen ...... 83 SOUTHERN RAPTURE (2). Eric Coble ...... 84 SOUTHERN RAPTURE (2). Eric Coble ...... 84 SUICIDE, INCORPORATED. Andrew Hinderaker ...... 87 SUICIDE, INCORPORATED. Andrew Hinderaker ...... 87 THAT PRETTY, PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY (2). Sheila Callaghan . . . 89 THAT PRETTY, PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY (2). Sheila Callaghan . . . 89 THE THIRD STORY. Charles Busch ...... 93 THE THIRD STORY. Charles Busch ...... 93 TROJAN BARBIE. Christine Evans ...... 95 TROJAN BARBIE. Christine Evans ...... 95 THE UNDERSTUDY. Theresa Rebeck ...... 97 THE UNDERSTUDY. Theresa Rebeck ...... 97 THE UNSEEN (3). Craig Wright ...... 98 THE UNSEEN (3). Craig Wright ...... 98 UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION. Terrence McNally ...... 101 UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION. Terrence McNally ...... 101

SCENES SCENES CREATURE. Heidi Schreck ...... 104 CREATURE. Heidi Schreck ...... 104 DREAMTIME. Maura Campbell ...... 109 DREAMTIME. Maura Campbell ...... 109 FARRUGUT NORTH. Beau Willimon ...... 112 FARRUGUT NORTH. Beau Willimon ...... 112 THE GOOD NEGRO. Tracey Scott Wilson ...... 116 THE GOOD NEGRO. Tracey Scott Wilson ...... 116 LIONS. Vince Melocchi ...... 119 LIONS. Vince Melocchi ...... 119 NEXT FALL. Geoffrey Nauffts ...... 122 NEXT FALL. Geoffrey Nauffts ...... 122 OUR HOUSE. Theresa Rebeck ...... 125 OUR HOUSE. Theresa Rebeck ...... 125 PARASITE DRAG. Mark Roberts ...... 129 PARASITE DRAG. Mark Roberts ...... 129 ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’. Mark Saltzman ...... 138 ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’. Mark Saltzman ...... 138 THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS. Henry Meyerson ...... 142 THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS. Henry Meyerson ...... 142 SLIPPING. Daniel Talbott ...... 146 SLIPPING. Daniel Talbott ...... 146 SLOW FALLING BIRD. Christine Evans ...... 149 SLOW FALLING BIRD. Christine Evans ...... 149 SMUDGE. Rachel Axler ...... 153 SMUDGE. Rachel Axler ...... 153 SOUL SAMURAI. Qui Nguyen ...... 157 SOUL SAMURAI. Qui Nguyen ...... 157 SOUTHERN RAPTURE. Eric Coble ...... 159 SOUTHERN RAPTURE. Eric Coble ...... 159 THE UNDERSTUDY. Theresa Rebeck ...... 162 THE UNDERSTUDY. Theresa Rebeck ...... 162 UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION. Terrence McNally ...... 166 UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION. Terrence McNally ...... 166

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Foreword Foreword

This year Smith and Kraus Publishers has again combined its annual best This year Smith and Kraus Publishers has again combined its annual best monologues and best scenes anthologies. Here, you will find a rich and var- monologues and best scenes anthologies. Here, you will find a rich and var- ied selection of monologues and scenes from plays that were produced and/or ied selection of monologues and scenes from plays that were produced and/or published in the 2009–2010 theatrical season. Most are for younger per- published in the 2009–2010 theatrical season. Most are for younger performers (teens through thirties), but there are also some excellent pieces for formers (teens through thirties), but there are also some excellent pieces for men in their forties and fifties, and even a few for older performers. Some are men in their forties and fifties, and even a few for older performers. Some are comic (laughs), some are dramatic (generally, no laughs). Some are rather comic (laughs), some are dramatic (generally, no laughs). Some are rather short, some are rather long. All represent the best in contemporary playwriting. short, some are rather long. All represent the best in contemporary playwriting. Several of the monologues are by playwrights whose work may be famil- Several of the monologues are by playwrights whose work may be famil- iar to you, such as Don Nigro, Theresa Rebeck, Craig Lucas, David Ives, and iar to you, such as Don Nigro, Theresa Rebeck, Craig Lucas, David Ives, and Craig Wright; others are by exciting up-and-comers like Christine Evans, Craig Wright; others are by exciting up-and-comers like Christine Evans, Martin Blank, Shawn Nacol, Rachel Axler, Justin Warner, and Lisa Dillman. Martin Blank, Shawn Nacol, Rachel Axler, Justin Warner, and Lisa Dillman. The scenes are by master playwrights, such as Theresa Rebeck and Terrence The scenes are by master playwrights, such as Theresa Rebeck and Terrence McNally, and by exciting new writers, such as Qui Nguyen, Maura Camp- McNally, and by exciting new writers, such as Qui Nguyen, Maura Camp- bell, Henry Meyerson, Geoffrey Nauffts, and Daniel Talbot. All are represen- bell, Henry Meyerson, Geoffrey Nauffts, and Daniel Talbot. All are represen- tative of the best of contemporary writing for the stage. tative of the best of contemporary writing for the stage. Most of the plays from which these monologues have been culled have Most of the plays from which these monologues have been culled have been published and, hence, are readily available either from the publisher, li- been published and, hence, are readily available either from the publisher, li- censor, or a theatrical bookstore such as Drama Book Shop in New York. A censor, or a theatrical bookstore such as Drama Book Shop in New York. A few plays may not be published for a while, in which case contact the author few plays may not be published for a while, in which case contact the author or his or her agent to request a copy of the entire text of the play that con- or his or her agent to request a copy of the entire text of the play that con- tains the monologue that suits your fancy. Information on publishers and tains the monologue that suits your fancy. Information on publishers and rights holders may be found in the rights and permissions section in the back rights holders may be found in the rights and permissions section in the back of this anthology. of this anthology. Break a leg in that audition! Knock ’em dead in class! Break a leg in that audition! Knock ’em dead in class!

Lawrence Harbison Lawrence Harbison Brooklyn, New York Brooklyn, New York

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MONOLOGUES MONOLOGUES

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AMERICAN WHUP-ASS AMERICAN WHUP-ASS Justin Warner Justin Warner More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Comic Comic Corporal X, forties Corporal X, forties

Corporal X has been recruited during a very nasty Senate campaign to Corporal X has been recruited during a very nasty Senate campaign to speak out against the current front-runner, a retired wrestler named speak out against the current front-runner, a retired wrestler named General Mayhem. General Mayhem.

CORPORAL X: (Utterly serious and deeply ashamed.) I served with General May- CORPORAL X: (Utterly serious and deeply ashamed.) I served with General May- hem in Dominica, in the 192nd Amphibious Division. Of course back hem in Dominica, in the 192nd Amphibious Division. Of course back then he wasn’t General Mayhem, he was Private Stuart Littlecock. We then he wasn’t General Mayhem, he was Private Stuart Littlecock. We were down there in the jungle . . . without any kind of modern ameni- were down there in the jungle . . . without any kind of modern ameni- ties . . . just a bunch of guys out there in the wild. No moral supervision ties . . . just a bunch of guys out there in the wild. No moral supervision of any kind. And it was war, and we did what we had to do, you know, of any kind. And it was war, and we did what we had to do, you know, to take care of our basic needs . . . to take care of our basic needs . . . (He pauses and dry heaves.) (He pauses and dry heaves.) Sorry. I’m having a really rough week with my chemo . . . so any- Sorry. I’m having a really rough week with my chemo . . . so anyway, one night, we had all had a lot to drink, and Private Littlecock — way, one night, we had all had a lot to drink, and Private Littlecock — he had a rather large . . . bowel movement . . . and we didn’t have any he had a rather large . . . bowel movement . . . and we didn’t have any paper, of course, and there were rumors that the jungle plants would give paper, of course, and there were rumors that the jungle plants would give you a nasty rash. Which I myself learned the hard way. But Private Lit- you a nasty rash. Which I myself learned the hard way. But Private Lit- tlecock . . . he said he really needed to clean up, and he tore a piece off tlecock . . . he said he really needed to clean up, and he tore a piece off the flag on the company jeep . . . and he . . . (Still traumatized.) . . . the flag on the company jeep . . . and he . . . (Still traumatized.) . . . wiped himself with it. He wiped his . . . anal area . . . with the Ameri- wiped himself with it. He wiped his . . . anal area . . . with the Ameri- can flag. I was the only one who saw it, and he swore me to secrecy, and can flag. I was the only one who saw it, and he swore me to secrecy, and I’ve kept that secret all this time, and I’m convinced that it’s the reason I’ve kept that secret all this time, and I’m convinced that it’s the reason I have cancer. Because it’s been eating me up from the inside. So before I have cancer. Because it’s been eating me up from the inside. So before I die, I just want the people of Nevada to know the truth. I wouldn’t I die, I just want the people of Nevada to know the truth. I wouldn’t want a guy like that in the Senate. They have a lot of flags in those gov- want a guy like that in the Senate. They have a lot of flags in those gov- ernment buildings; they can’t possibly keep track of them all . . . ernment buildings; they can’t possibly keep track of them all . . .

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AMERICAN WHUP-ASS AMERICAN WHUP-ASS Justin Warner Justin Warner

Comic Comic Mayhem, forties Mayhem, forties

General Mayhem, a former professional wrestler, has been running a General Mayhem, a former professional wrestler, has been running a successful Senate campaign against well-meaning incumbent Wayne successful Senate campaign against well-meaning incumbent Wayne Kight: He challenged Senator Kight to a wrestling match, and when Kight: He challenged Senator Kight to a wrestling match, and when Kight didn’t accept the challenge, his polls dropped. Kight then asked his Kight didn’t accept the challenge, his polls dropped. Kight then asked his campaign manager to take out Mayhem by any means necessary. The campaign manager to take out Mayhem by any means necessary. The campaign manager digs up an unverifiable story that Mayhem, as a campaign manager digs up an unverifiable story that Mayhem, as a young soldier, once wiped his butt with the American flag, and a media young soldier, once wiped his butt with the American flag, and a media frenzy ensues. But Kight soon regrets his actions and appears on na- frenzy ensues. But Kight soon regrets his actions and appears on national television with Mayhem to apologize and retract the accusation. tional television with Mayhem to apologize and retract the accusation. He then gives Mayhem the chance to speak directly to the American people. He then gives Mayhem the chance to speak directly to the American people.

MAYHEM: Thanks, Senator. I appreciate your attempt to defend my character. MAYHEM: Thanks, Senator. I appreciate your attempt to defend my character. But the fact is I don’t need your charity. These allegations were cheap But the fact is I don’t need your charity. These allegations were cheap and uncalled for, they’re none of anybody’s business — but I’m not and uncalled for, they’re none of anybody’s business — but I’m not going to lie to you, America: they’re true. Like the Corporal said, out in going to lie to you, America: they’re true. Like the Corporal said, out in the jungle, you make do with what you got — decorum be damned. the jungle, you make do with what you got — decorum be damned. Now you all know what happens if you take a dump without finishing Now you all know what happens if you take a dump without finishing the wipe job. You chafe. You itch. You want to scratch it, pick at it, the wipe job. You chafe. You itch. You want to scratch it, pick at it, scrape your butt-crack against any available rough surface just to get one scrape your butt-crack against any available rough surface just to get one blessed moment of sweet relief. You can barely even think about any- blessed moment of sweet relief. You can barely even think about anything else. What do you think happens if you do that in a war zone? You thing else. What do you think happens if you do that in a war zone? You reach down to scratch your ass for even a split second and POW! There reach down to scratch your ass for even a split second and POW! There goes your hand! A sniper in the tree just shot it off! You try to stop the goes your hand! A sniper in the tree just shot it off! You try to stop the bleeding and BAM! There goes your head! And your buddy’s standing bleeding and BAM! There goes your head! And your buddy’s standing next to you, slack-jawed, looking at your spurting bloody stump of a next to you, slack-jawed, looking at your spurting bloody stump of a neck and then — RATATAT TAT! He’s down! Jonesey’s down! Smitty’s neck and then — RATATAT TAT! He’s down! Jonesey’s down! Smitty’s down! They’re picking you off like clay pigeons! There goes the com- down! They’re picking you off like clay pigeons! There goes the company, the battle, the war, the whole frickin’ civilized world!!! I wiped my pany, the battle, the war, the whole frickin’ civilized world!!! I wiped my ass with that flag to save everything it stands for! And anyone who doesn’t ass with that flag to save everything it stands for! And anyone who doesn’t understand that doesn’t know what it really takes to defend America! understand that doesn’t know what it really takes to defend America!

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AMERICAN WHUP-ASS AMERICAN WHUP-ASS Justin Warner Justin Warner

Comic Comic Corliss, sixties Corliss, sixties

A few months ago, Leslie Corliss, sixties, an unabashed corporate shill, A few months ago, Leslie Corliss, sixties, an unabashed corporate shill, looked like a shoo-in to unseat Nevada Senator Wayne Kight. But a looked like a shoo-in to unseat Nevada Senator Wayne Kight. But a showboating wrestler named General Mayhem steals his thunder and showboating wrestler named General Mayhem steals his thunder and nearly walks away with the election by challenging Kight to a wrestling nearly walks away with the election by challenging Kight to a wrestling match. However, Kight’s daughter Valerie runs against him in disgust, match. However, Kight’s daughter Valerie runs against him in disgust, and after the wrestling match turns uglier than expected, the public and after the wrestling match turns uglier than expected, the public throws its support behind Valerie. Because Valerie is too young to actu- throws its support behind Valerie. Because Valerie is too young to actually be elected senator, Corliss wins by default. Here, he addresses the ally be elected senator, Corliss wins by default. Here, he addresses the people of Nevada in his victory speech. people of Nevada in his victory speech.

CORLISS: People of Nevada. It’s been a long, tough night, but I’m happy to CORLISS: People of Nevada. It’s been a long, tough night, but I’m happy to accept the solemn responsibility you’ve given me this evening. I know accept the solemn responsibility you’ve given me this evening. I know that many, indeed most, of you did not actually cast your vote for me, that many, indeed most, of you did not actually cast your vote for me, but rather for a precocious little girl who isn’t old enough to order a cos- but rather for a precocious little girl who isn’t old enough to order a cos- mopolitan, much less serve in the Senate. I also know that the outcome mopolitan, much less serve in the Senate. I also know that the outcome of this election will leave many of you disappointed, frustrated, even of this election will leave many of you disappointed, frustrated, even angry. Well, tonight, I’m here to tell you to go fuck yourselves. You hear angry. Well, tonight, I’m here to tell you to go fuck yourselves. You hear that, people of Nevada? Screw you. Screw you all. You jerk me around that, people of Nevada? Screw you. Screw you all. You jerk me around through this whole ridiculous election, then you pass me over for some through this whole ridiculous election, then you pass me over for some underage piece of ass, and now you expect me to spend the next six years underage piece of ass, and now you expect me to spend the next six years trying to win your bloated, plaque-encrusted hearts? Think again, you trying to win your bloated, plaque-encrusted hearts? Think again, you yammering chorus of retarded monkeys. I loathe every single one of you! yammering chorus of retarded monkeys. I loathe every single one of you! And I’m going to spend the next six years rewarding the only supporters And I’m going to spend the next six years rewarding the only supporters I could ever really count on: great big corporations with shitloads of I could ever really count on: great big corporations with shitloads of cash. Oh yes. We’ll dump that toxic waste in your baby’s bathtub if we cash. Oh yes. We’ll dump that toxic waste in your baby’s bathtub if we feel like it. You want to complain? Don’t bother calling my constituent feel like it. You want to complain? Don’t bother calling my constituent relations line, because I’m disconnecting it. Go ahead and vote me out relations line, because I’m disconnecting it. Go ahead and vote me out in six years, I don’t care! I can do all I need to do in half that time. And in six years, I don’t care! I can do all I need to do in half that time. And when I get out, I’m going to retire to a fifty-acre villa in Monaco with when I get out, I’m going to retire to a fifty-acre villa in Monaco with the billions of dollars in kickbacks I rake in from my corporate cronies the billions of dollars in kickbacks I rake in from my corporate cronies while you and your pathetic, squalling little children waste away from while you and your pathetic, squalling little children waste away from terminal brain cancer. Thank you, and God bless America! terminal brain cancer. Thank you, and God bless America!

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CELL CELL Judy Klass Judy Klass

Dramatic Dramatic Byron, fifties Byron, fifties

Byron, an African-American man, answers the probing questions of Byron, an African-American man, answers the probing questions of Dennis, the preppy, timid, white, much younger brother of Byron’s Dennis, the preppy, timid, white, much younger brother of Byron’s friend Michael, whom Byron knows from their days living in a tent city friend Michael, whom Byron knows from their days living in a tent city in Tompkins Square Park. in Tompkins Square Park.

BYRON: You’re thinking how does a smart, charming man like myself get BYRON: You’re thinking how does a smart, charming man like myself get homeless? Now, that’s an interesting question. How does one man’s life homeless? Now, that’s an interesting question. How does one man’s life hit the fan? But I’m not sure you’re exactly the right guy to hear the an- hit the fan? But I’m not sure you’re exactly the right guy to hear the answer. You understand, Dennis? I’m not sure you could really “identify.” swer. You understand, Dennis? I’m not sure you could really “identify.” And it might mess up this image your brother is giving you about me, And it might mess up this image your brother is giving you about me, that I help the stray cats and little girls that wander into the park. that I help the stray cats and little girls that wander into the park. (Pause.) (Pause.) I was married. I had a wife and a kid. A nice apartment. You’d be I was married. I had a wife and a kid. A nice apartment. You’d be surprised. A good life. Some ignorant people think: you’re born home- surprised. A good life. Some ignorant people think: you’re born homeless, you’ve never lived on the other side. But plenty of guys live in soci- less, you’ve never lived on the other side. But plenty of guys live in society, go along thinking it’s gonna be like that forever. Then, bam, it’s all ety, go along thinking it’s gonna be like that forever. Then, bam, it’s all gone. Just like that. Damn, I had a thirty-inch TV, a sound system I was gone. Just like that. Damn, I had a thirty-inch TV, a sound system I was proud of. And I had a beautiful wife. proud of. And I had a beautiful wife. (Pause.) (Pause.) And I loved that woman. Jesus. I never loved nobody that much, And I loved that woman. Jesus. I never loved nobody that much, and I would have been right there for her till the day I died or she died, and I would have been right there for her till the day I died or she died, I would have been right there. And then I lose my job. And right away, I would have been right there. And then I lose my job. And right away, I can see her respect for me going down. She couldn’t even see me. I I can see her respect for me going down. She couldn’t even see me. I loved her for her, you understand what I am saying? Her love just start loved her for her, you understand what I am saying? Her love just start draining out of her, soon as I lose my job. She start seeing me as less than draining out of her, soon as I lose my job. She start seeing me as less than a man. And talking nasty about me to the kid, in this nasty tone of voice. a man. And talking nasty about me to the kid, in this nasty tone of voice. And I go away with my buddies for a few days. Guy has a basement And I go away with my buddies for a few days. Guy has a basement apartment, he’s showin’ kung fu movies, we just drunk and stupid, apartment, he’s showin’ kung fu movies, we just drunk and stupid, hangin’ out for a weekend, nobody got a job, daddy Bush’s recession, hangin’ out for a weekend, nobody got a job, daddy Bush’s recession, who the fuck cares, relax with the fellas for a little while. I get home. who the fuck cares, relax with the fellas for a little while. I get home. There is another man in the apartment with her. Another man sleeping There is another man in the apartment with her. Another man sleeping

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with my wife — and maybe that was nothing new, and I was just blind with my wife — and maybe that was nothing new, and I was just blind before. But another man is in my home now, playing with my child. before. But another man is in my home now, playing with my child. And my wife tells me the lease is in her name, I don’t live there no more, And my wife tells me the lease is in her name, I don’t live there no more, she want a divorce, I should just take my things and go back to my she want a divorce, I should just take my things and go back to my friend’s place. friend’s place. (He pauses, remembering.) (He pauses, remembering.) My wife had a beautiful smile, and she knew it, too. A mouth full My wife had a beautiful smile, and she knew it, too. A mouth full of pearly white, perfect teeth. A Colgate smile. You’d think she was smil- of pearly white, perfect teeth. A Colgate smile. You’d think she was smiling to be warm, or ’cause she like you — she just showing off those ing to be warm, or ’cause she like you — she just showing off those teeth. Make fun of me with my yellow teeth. So, I take a look at her, and teeth. Make fun of me with my yellow teeth. So, I take a look at her, and this piece of shit man she got living in my house all of a sudden, and I this piece of shit man she got living in my house all of a sudden, and I knock some of those beautiful teeth right out of her smile. And I mess knock some of those beautiful teeth right out of her smile. And I mess up his smooth face, and break a couple of bones, and they press charges, up his smooth face, and break a couple of bones, and they press charges, and I ain’t got no lawyer worth a damn. And I do some time, and then and I ain’t got no lawyer worth a damn. And I do some time, and then when I get out, I wind up in the park. With a bunch of other losers with- when I get out, I wind up in the park. With a bunch of other losers without a life. Who threw it away, or had it taken away. A place your brother out a life. Who threw it away, or had it taken away. A place your brother used to call . . . The Island of Lost Boys. used to call . . . The Island of Lost Boys. I had found a country that felt right to me, where I could belong. I had found a country that felt right to me, where I could belong. And when they closed down that country, I found me a subway train of And when they closed down that country, I found me a subway train of my choice, and when they kick me off the train and it just get too cold, my choice, and when they kick me off the train and it just get too cold, I wind up in the shelter. I been back to prison a few times, I don’t mind I wind up in the shelter. I been back to prison a few times, I don’t mind it so much. I work out when I’m there, I get into shape. But the shelter it so much. I work out when I’m there, I get into shape. But the shelter ain’t no place to be if you can help it. Does that answer your question? ain’t no place to be if you can help it. Does that answer your question?

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CELL CELL Judy Klass Judy Klass

Dramatic Dramatic Dennis, early forties Dennis, early forties

Dennis is arguing with his brilliant, drug-damaged brother Michael, Dennis is arguing with his brilliant, drug-damaged brother Michael, who is eleven years older. who is eleven years older.

DENNIS: (Angry, near tears.) You know, it’s perfect that you equate persistence DENNIS: (Angry, near tears.) You know, it’s perfect that you equate persistence with a lack of imagination. Since you have never finished one thing with a lack of imagination. Since you have never finished one thing you’ve started, in your entire life. How many unfinished stories, and you’ve started, in your entire life. How many unfinished stories, and novels, and experiments? How many causes and religions did you try on? novels, and experiments? How many causes and religions did you try on? What are you gonna be this week, Mike? An astronaut? A fireman? And What are you gonna be this week, Mike? An astronaut? A fireman? And whatever your theory or the project of the moment was, how proud whatever your theory or the project of the moment was, how proud Mom and Dad were! How full of hope, how sure you’d succeed! And Mom and Dad were! How full of hope, how sure you’d succeed! And then you’d flake out, drop out, and break their hearts again, kick them then you’d flake out, drop out, and break their hearts again, kick them in the teeth again when they begged you to follow through. in the teeth again when they begged you to follow through. (Furious.) (Furious.) When you experimented on yourself and cooked your brain with When you experimented on yourself and cooked your brain with every goddamned chemical you could get your hands on, with a new every goddamned chemical you could get your hands on, with a new personality every week, they were the ones who really suffered. Just like personality every week, they were the ones who really suffered. Just like your spaced-out, groovy friends made their families suffer. And I just sat your spaced-out, groovy friends made their families suffer. And I just sat on the sidelines and watched. And when the bunch of you were done on the sidelines and watched. And when the bunch of you were done being Kerouac or Peter Fonda or Timothy Leary or Jane Fonda, so many being Kerouac or Peter Fonda or Timothy Leary or Jane Fonda, so many of you Boomers — not you, of course — settled down and became con- of you Boomers — not you, of course — settled down and became conservative yuppie scum. Still feeling righteous and somehow bohemian servative yuppie scum. Still feeling righteous and somehow bohemian and daring all the while. You, on the other hand, just became an apolit- and daring all the while. You, on the other hand, just became an apolit- ical bum. But I watched it all happen, and I was not impressed. The ical bum. But I watched it all happen, and I was not impressed. The bunch of you just feel so damn special, like whatever age you are, you’re bunch of you just feel so damn special, like whatever age you are, you’re the first, you’re the best — when it’s just that there are more of you, so the first, you’re the best — when it’s just that there are more of you, so advertisers cater to you, all the films about young people when I was advertisers cater to you, all the films about young people when I was growing up had to be set in the fifties or sixties, except for putrid John growing up had to be set in the fifties or sixties, except for putrid John Hughes films, otherwise we were invisible . . . Anyway. Whatever. Now Hughes films, otherwise we were invisible . . . Anyway. Whatever. Now you know what my issues are. you know what my issues are.

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DEFENDER OF THE FAITH DEFENDER OF THE FAITH Stuart Carolan Stuart Carolan

Dramatic Dramatic Thomas, twenty Thomas, twenty

Thomas’s family is under suspicion. The IRA thinks there might be an Thomas’s family is under suspicion. The IRA thinks there might be an informer in their midst. Here, Thomas talks with a farmhand, Barney, informer in their midst. Here, Thomas talks with a farmhand, Barney, about the death of his brother Seamus. about the death of his brother Seamus.

THOMAS: All the time, Barney. All the time. I think about him all the time. THOMAS: All the time, Barney. All the time. I think about him all the time. Every day. Sure, it’s only been a year. There was only a year and a half Every day. Sure, it’s only been a year. There was only a year and a half between us. Barney. Fourteen months. . . . between us. Barney. Fourteen months. . . . But I thought of him I suppose like a child. . . . But I thought of him I suppose like a child. . . . I know. The worst thing is I can look at him in the picture but I I know. The worst thing is I can look at him in the picture but I can’t picture him in my head . . . And sometimes I have dreams where I can’t picture him in my head . . . And sometimes I have dreams where I see him getting shot in the dreams or somebody’s tellin’ me he’s dead. see him getting shot in the dreams or somebody’s tellin’ me he’s dead. Coming up to the backdoor of the house and saying your brother Coming up to the backdoor of the house and saying your brother Shamey’s been shot. And I’m going sweet God no, please no, no, please Shamey’s been shot. And I’m going sweet God no, please no, no, please God, let him be OK. You can get shot and survive. He’ll be all right. He’s God, let him be OK. You can get shot and survive. He’ll be all right. He’s not dead. And the person’s saying, it’s too late, Shamey’s dead. He’s dead. not dead. And the person’s saying, it’s too late, Shamey’s dead. He’s dead. And I’m saying no, no way, this is my worst nightmare. Shamey’s dead And I’m saying no, no way, this is my worst nightmare. Shamey’s dead and then just like that, Shamey walks in the door and says what’s all the and then just like that, Shamey walks in the door and says what’s all the fuss about boy, and I’m thinking thank you God, thank you God, fuss about boy, and I’m thinking thank you God, thank you God, Shamey’s all right. He’s not dead. And then I’m happy like I’ve never Shamey’s all right. He’s not dead. And then I’m happy like I’ve never been happy and then, and then, then I wake up. And for the first cou- been happy and then, and then, then I wake up. And for the first couple of minutes I’m happy. I’m still half asleep and I’m thinking Jasus, ple of minutes I’m happy. I’m still half asleep and I’m thinking Jasus, that was some nightmare that was. Shamey dead. Jasus. I must tell that was some nightmare that was. Shamey dead. Jasus. I must tell Shamey I had this nightmare where I thought he was dead. . . . And then Shamey I had this nightmare where I thought he was dead. . . . And then I wake up proper and I remember he is dead. He’s cold and he’s in the I wake up proper and I remember he is dead. He’s cold and he’s in the ground. Shamey is dead and I can’t go and tell him about my dream. ground. Shamey is dead and I can’t go and tell him about my dream. Shamey is dead. Shamey is dead.

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DEFENDER OF THE FAITH DEFENDER OF THE FAITH Stuart Carolan Stuart Carolan

Dramatic Dramatic Thomas, twenty Thomas, twenty

Thomas is expressing his grief to his little brother Danny over the death Thomas is expressing his grief to his little brother Danny over the death of their brother Seamus. of their brother Seamus.

THOMAS: Do you not want to see your mother? . . . THOMAS: Do you not want to see your mother? . . . She’ll be home soon I think. The last time I was up there, doctor She’ll be home soon I think. The last time I was up there, doctor said the new tablets were working much better. She’ll be back home with said the new tablets were working much better. She’ll be back home with us in no time. . . . us in no time. . . . Oh, that’s right she’ll be back home to us soon enough. When will Oh, that’s right she’ll be back home to us soon enough. When will she be back, says you? Soon, says I. How soon says you? Oh soon she be back, says you? Soon, says I. How soon says you? Oh soon enough, soon enough. Soon enough is right. The mother will be back. enough, soon enough. Soon enough is right. The mother will be back. Back where she belongs. And then we’ll all be together again. . . . And Back where she belongs. And then we’ll all be together again. . . . And we’ll all be fine. we’ll all be fine. Shamey. You and me and Danny and Mammy. We’ll all be fine . . . Shamey. You and me and Danny and Mammy. We’ll all be fine . . . Only we’re not fine are we, Shamey? I’m not fine. No, not by a long shot. Only we’re not fine are we, Shamey? I’m not fine. No, not by a long shot. So where’s God in all of this Shamey? My brother Shamey. My So where’s God in all of this Shamey? My brother Shamey. My brother. My brother is dead. My dead brother. Dead brother. Dead. brother. My brother is dead. My dead brother. Dead brother. Dead. Died. Two years since my brother died. Died. Two years since my brother died. Are you a ghost now, Shamey? Is your spirit wandering around the Are you a ghost now, Shamey? Is your spirit wandering around the place unhappy and sad, not knowing who it is? Faint memories of who place unhappy and sad, not knowing who it is? Faint memories of who you used to be and the people who loved you. Because I loved you, you used to be and the people who loved you. Because I loved you, Shamey. I loved you and if you’re a ghost or a spirit who forgot that once Shamey. I loved you and if you’re a ghost or a spirit who forgot that once you used to be my brother . . . Shamey, then wake up! That’s who you you used to be my brother . . . Shamey, then wake up! That’s who you are, my brother, my brother Shamey, that I love. Spirit can you hear me? are, my brother, my brother Shamey, that I love. Spirit can you hear me? You are my brother Shamey. Tommy’s brother Shamey that he loves. You are my brother Shamey. Tommy’s brother Shamey that he loves. When you died, Shamey, I would take your clothes and bury my When you died, Shamey, I would take your clothes and bury my head in them and close my eyes to catch the smell of you. Like the foot- head in them and close my eyes to catch the smell of you. Like the foot- prints of a ghost. Hold on to your T-shirt like a sick baby’s sucky blan- prints of a ghost. Hold on to your T-shirt like a sick baby’s sucky blanket. And furrow my brow so I looked like you and looking back in the ket. And furrow my brow so I looked like you and looking back in the mirror it was almost you, a ghost of you. A trace of you. You, my mirror it was almost you, a ghost of you. A trace of you. You, my brother, my dear gentle dead brother. Tommy loves his brother. brother, my dear gentle dead brother. Tommy loves his brother.

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DRIVING GREEN DRIVING GREEN Martin Blank Martin Blank More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Tom, thirties Tom, thirties

Tom is a disgruntled husband and employee of big oil. He is stuck in Tom is a disgruntled husband and employee of big oil. He is stuck in heavy traffic with his wife, Beth, a liberal employee of a save-the- heavy traffic with his wife, Beth, a liberal employee of a save-the- environment nonprofit organization. The married couple struggle to environment nonprofit organization. The married couple struggle to survive their morning commute without killing each other. At this survive their morning commute without killing each other. At this point, Tom has had enough. point, Tom has had enough.

TOM: You and your limousine liberal vegan friends, who preach tolerance, TOM: You and your limousine liberal vegan friends, who preach tolerance, but won’t tolerate an opinion other than their own. Trust-fund twits but won’t tolerate an opinion other than their own. Trust-fund twits bragging about investing in socially conscience mutual funds when they bragging about investing in socially conscience mutual funds when they own stock in Exxon Mobil, buying green houses and driving sport util- own stock in Exxon Mobil, buying green houses and driving sport util- ity vehicles. Balding husbands in painted tans, with multiple face-lifts. ity vehicles. Balding husbands in painted tans, with multiple face-lifts. Their wives drinking spinach smoothies, sitting around solar-heated Their wives drinking spinach smoothies, sitting around solar-heated swimming pools, with silicon breast implants, a nonbiodegradable prod- swimming pools, with silicon breast implants, a nonbiodegradable product, made by Dow Chemical, the company which brought you napalm. uct, made by Dow Chemical, the company which brought you napalm. With vegetarian teenage children sneaking McDonald’s cheeseburgers, With vegetarian teenage children sneaking McDonald’s cheeseburgers, collecting money for Greenpeace, secretly hoping it will get them into collecting money for Greenpeace, secretly hoping it will get them into Vassar. The family sitting around the dinner table eating pumpernickel Vassar. The family sitting around the dinner table eating pumpernickel bread, carrots, and turnips they found while dumpster diving, droning bread, carrots, and turnips they found while dumpster diving, droning on about T. Boone Pickens and his plan. I say screw ’em. I want my meat on about T. Boone Pickens and his plan. I say screw ’em. I want my meat cooked on a charcoal grill, rare. I want to drive a sixties muscle car, and cooked on a charcoal grill, rare. I want to drive a sixties muscle car, and when I floor it I can see the needle on the fuel gauge go down, down, when I floor it I can see the needle on the fuel gauge go down, down, down. I say live and live now. Because there’s a good chance some crazy down. I say live and live now. Because there’s a good chance some crazy we pissed off at Gitmo is going to get his hands on a biological weapon we pissed off at Gitmo is going to get his hands on a biological weapon or a dirty nuke and use it. or a dirty nuke and use it.

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EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE Arthur Giron Arthur Giron

Dramatic Dramatic Voltaire, thirty-eight Voltaire, thirty-eight

It is 1733, in Paris. Voltaire and Emilie du Chatelet are being pursued It is 1733, in Paris. Voltaire and Emilie du Chatelet are being pursued by the queen’s guards: she, because she owes the queen money; he, be- by the queen’s guards: she, because she owes the queen money; he, because he insulted an aristocrat. He is not an aristocrat, as she is, but is cause he insulted an aristocrat. He is not an aristocrat, as she is, but is a wealthy poet, playwright, and businessman, who introduced coffee to a wealthy poet, playwright, and businessman, who introduced coffee to Paris. Yet love has eluded him. Now, he has fallen madly in love with Paris. Yet love has eluded him. Now, he has fallen madly in love with Emilie, who is gorgeous and his intellectual equal, yet his integrity is Emilie, who is gorgeous and his intellectual equal, yet his integrity is such that he tells Emilie that being with him could put her in mortal such that he tells Emilie that being with him could put her in mortal danger. By telling her the truth, he could lose her. danger. By telling her the truth, he could lose her.

VOLTAIRE: Life isn’t a matter of winning or losing where women and men are VOLTAIRE: Life isn’t a matter of winning or losing where women and men are concerned. No, I am not gambling. I believe that we meet the correct concerned. No, I am not gambling. I believe that we meet the correct person for us once in a life, maybe twice. I am not speaking of the nu- person for us once in a life, maybe twice. I am not speaking of the nu- merous encounters we enjoy, but the chance of going beyond experi- merous encounters we enjoy, but the chance of going beyond experi- mentation. It is important to embrace a discovery and not let that mentation. It is important to embrace a discovery and not let that delight disappear. It is not true that there are countless women in the delight disappear. It is not true that there are countless women in the world who would fulfill me at some future time. I know enough to iden- world who would fulfill me at some future time. I know enough to identify an actual woman. You. But . . . I must risk losing you, now that I tify an actual woman. You. But . . . I must risk losing you, now that I have found you. I may be a commoner, a dishonorable pig, but my per- have found you. I may be a commoner, a dishonorable pig, but my personal honor and love of truth compels me to warn you at this moment sonal honor and love of truth compels me to warn you at this moment that if you become associated with me you will become known to the that if you become associated with me you will become known to the chief of police as the friend of a subversive man. Your friends at court chief of police as the friend of a subversive man. Your friends at court will not protect you. The danger to your person is real. You have been will not protect you. The danger to your person is real. You have been protected all your life and assume that France is the zenith of civiliza- protected all your life and assume that France is the zenith of civiliza- tion. No. Barely beneath the skin of our pride in oh-so-pretty achieve- tion. No. Barely beneath the skin of our pride in oh-so-pretty achieve- ments lies a barbaric disregard for the common man. Opposition — ments lies a barbaric disregard for the common man. Opposition — being different in any way — marks a man — or a woman — as an being different in any way — marks a man — or a woman — as an enemy. The weight of the crown strikes suddenly and without mercy. enemy. The weight of the crown strikes suddenly and without mercy. Madame, you are in mortal danger simply by being inquisitive. Your na- Madame, you are in mortal danger simply by being inquisitive. Your nature condemns you. Already you hide your intellectual labors in the ture condemns you. Already you hide your intellectual labors in the countryside. But, your peace, I warn you, will be shattered by having my countryside. But, your peace, I warn you, will be shattered by having my presence close by. presence close by.

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EMOTION MEMORY EMOTION MEMORY Don Nigro Don Nigro

Seriocomic Seriocomic Chekhov, thirty-six Chekhov, thirty-six

Anton Chekhov has been out walking in the cold all night after the dis- Anton Chekhov has been out walking in the cold all night after the disastrous first performance of his play The Seagull at the Maly Theatre. astrous first performance of his play The Seagull at the Maly Theatre. His friend Lyka, who’s in love with him and who has been the model His friend Lyka, who’s in love with him and who has been the model for the character of Nina in the play, has been waiting up for him all for the character of Nina in the play, has been waiting up for him all night, very worried. She’s just asked him if he doesn’t think the perfor- night, very worried. She’s just asked him if he doesn’t think the performance went well. mance went well.

CHEKHOV: It was a monstrous obscenity. The theater is a monstrous obscen- CHEKHOV: It was a monstrous obscenity. The theater is a monstrous obscenity. It’s an obscene, criminal activity. I tried to tell them to play it natu- ity. It’s an obscene, criminal activity. I tried to tell them to play it naturally, like life. I told them again and again. But the simpleminded rally, like life. I told them again and again. But the simpleminded jackasses just smiled and nodded their empty heads and ignored me. jackasses just smiled and nodded their empty heads and ignored me. Poor fool, they said to each other. He’s just a playwright. He knows Poor fool, they said to each other. He’s just a playwright. He knows nothing about the theater. Arrogant cretins. Even in my worst night- nothing about the theater. Arrogant cretins. Even in my worst night- mares I could not have imagined what a grotesque abortion they made mares I could not have imagined what a grotesque abortion they made of my play. People in the audience were jabbering at each other during of my play. People in the audience were jabbering at each other during the performance, turning their backs to the stage, jeering so loud you the performance, turning their backs to the stage, jeering so loud you couldn’t hear the actors, and maybe it’s just as well, because the actors couldn’t hear the actors, and maybe it’s just as well, because the actors were totally incompetent. The audience was moronic, and the critics are were totally incompetent. The audience was moronic, and the critics are cannibalistic orangutans. I am lectured to about how to write by lip- cannibalistic orangutans. I am lectured to about how to write by lip- diddling slugs who can barely scrawl their own names. The whole thing diddling slugs who can barely scrawl their own names. The whole thing was like a scene from hell, with monkeys jumping up and down, hurl- was like a scene from hell, with monkeys jumping up and down, hurl- ing handfuls of excrement. This is what it is to be a playwright — to be ing handfuls of excrement. This is what it is to be a playwright — to be urinated on by satanic monkeys. If I am ever stupid enough to write an- urinated on by satanic monkeys. If I am ever stupid enough to write another play again, please do me the kindness of getting a gun and shoot- other play again, please do me the kindness of getting a gun and shooting me in the head. ing me in the head. When I was walking, what kept coming into my head was the night When I was walking, what kept coming into my head was the night my brother died. I sat in the rain, waiting for seven hours for a train to my brother died. I sat in the rain, waiting for seven hours for a train to come, in absolute despair, listening to some actors rehearsing some fool- come, in absolute despair, listening to some actors rehearsing some fool- ish melodrama on the other side of a wall. And it seemed to me that all ish melodrama on the other side of a wall. And it seemed to me that all of my life was plays within plays. Everybody is listening on the other side of my life was plays within plays. Everybody is listening on the other side of a wall to some melodrama which is actually somebody else’s life. The of a wall to some melodrama which is actually somebody else’s life. The

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plays are all interconnected. The minor characters in the play of your life plays are all interconnected. The minor characters in the play of your life are major characters in their own plays. And one by one the plays come are major characters in their own plays. And one by one the plays come to an end, and the actors leave the stage, and then somebody else’s play to an end, and the actors leave the stage, and then somebody else’s play runs for a while, and it goes on until the sun explodes, and then what runs for a while, and it goes on until the sun explodes, and then what did it all mean? But while the play was being rehearsed, at least, there did it all mean? But while the play was being rehearsed, at least, there was something to give one’s attention to. There was some value in that. was something to give one’s attention to. There was some value in that. But I was wrong. There is nothing in the world that can justify sitting in But I was wrong. There is nothing in the world that can justify sitting in a theater and watching everything that’s most precious to you shat upon a theater and watching everything that’s most precious to you shat upon by malicious cretins. Never again. Never, never again. by malicious cretins. Never again. Never, never again.

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EMOTION MEMORY EMOTION MEMORY Don Nigro Don Nigro

Seriocomic Seriocomic Stanislavsky, thirty-five Stanislavsky, thirty-five

Constantin Stanislavsky and the Moscow Art Theatre have done a very Constantin Stanislavsky and the Moscow Art Theatre have done a very successful production of Chekhov’s The Seagull, and they have just given successful production of Chekhov’s The Seagull, and they have just given a performance in Yalta for Chekhov, who was unable to be at the open- a performance in Yalta for Chekhov, who was unable to be at the opening. Chekhov, however, is horrified by what they’ve done, convinced that ing. Chekhov, however, is horrified by what they’ve done, convinced that they’ve totally misunderstood his play and just done it badly in a differ- they’ve totally misunderstood his play and just done it badly in a different way from the disastrous earlier production. Stanislavsky has just ent way from the disastrous earlier production. Stanislavsky has just asked Chekhov why, if it was so bad, did the audience clap until their asked Chekhov why, if it was so bad, did the audience clap until their hands bled, and Chekhov admits that he doesn’t know, that it makes no hands bled, and Chekhov admits that he doesn’t know, that it makes no sense to him. Stanislavsky, a tall, impressive-looking character actor, is sense to him. Stanislavsky, a tall, impressive-looking character actor, is desperate to convince Chekhov not to shut the production down. desperate to convince Chekhov not to shut the production down.

STANISLAVSKY: But that’s the thing. It makes no sense. The theater never STANISLAVSKY: But that’s the thing. It makes no sense. The theater never makes any sense. One night you’re a genius, and the next night you’re a makes any sense. One night you’re a genius, and the next night you’re a fool. You think you’ve played well and they hate it. You think you’ve fool. You think you’ve played well and they hate it. You think you’ve played badly and they love it. You do a great play and they despise it. You played badly and they love it. You do a great play and they despise it. You do a terrible play and they adore it. You’re brilliant one night, you think do a terrible play and they adore it. You’re brilliant one night, you think you’re doing it exactly the same way the next night, and suddenly they you’re doing it exactly the same way the next night, and suddenly they hate you again. You can work ten years on a part and still not understand hate you again. You can work ten years on a part and still not understand it. You can understand it with your head and your body won’t cooper- it. You can understand it with your head and your body won’t cooper- ate. You can know how to move and not have a clue how to speak. You ate. You can know how to move and not have a clue how to speak. You open your mouth and the wrong words come out. You think the audi- open your mouth and the wrong words come out. You think the audience is hopelessly stupid and then suddenly they see things you didn’t. ence is hopelessly stupid and then suddenly they see things you didn’t. You think they’re smarter than you thought, and then they miss some- You think they’re smarter than you thought, and then they miss something so obvious a cow would understand it. You work like a dog and thing so obvious a cow would understand it. You work like a dog and then the sofa catches fire or somebody in the first row vomits on your then the sofa catches fire or somebody in the first row vomits on your shoes. They pay people to write horrible things about you in the papers, shoes. They pay people to write horrible things about you in the papers, people who in their whole life have never created anything but turds. It’s people who in their whole life have never created anything but turds. It’s absolutely maddening. You never get to the bottom of it. I could spend absolutely maddening. You never get to the bottom of it. I could spend the rest of my life doing Uncle Vanya and still there’d be more to it that the rest of my life doing Uncle Vanya and still there’d be more to it that I hadn’t discovered and also that you haven’t discovered. It is utterly triv- I hadn’t discovered and also that you haven’t discovered. It is utterly triv- ial work. And it is the most important thing I could possibly be doing. ial work. And it is the most important thing I could possibly be doing.

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It’s somehow the key to the entire mad universe. It’s investigating the in- It’s somehow the key to the entire mad universe. It’s investigating the inside of God’s brain. It’s everything. And if somehow, once in a while, one side of God’s brain. It’s everything. And if somehow, once in a while, one manages to do good work, despite everything, that is a very precious gift manages to do good work, despite everything, that is a very precious gift from out of the lunatic toy chest of time and chance, and you mustn’t from out of the lunatic toy chest of time and chance, and you mustn’t take this away from us. You can’t. All right. It’s true I didn’t appreciate take this away from us. You can’t. All right. It’s true I didn’t appreciate your play at first. Maybe I don’t understand it yet. Maybe I just did a your play at first. Maybe I don’t understand it yet. Maybe I just did a wonderful production of a play I don’t understand at all. But something wonderful production of a play I don’t understand at all. But something happened out there. We might not have found all the truth in it, but we happened out there. We might not have found all the truth in it, but we found some of it. And the audience knew it. Each time we perform it, found some of it. And the audience knew it. Each time we perform it, we’ll find some more. Because your plays are like that. At first, they don’t we’ll find some more. Because your plays are like that. At first, they don’t look like much. But once you get inside them, they prey upon your look like much. But once you get inside them, they prey upon your mind, and you can’t get rid of them. They have rooms in them that keep mind, and you can’t get rid of them. They have rooms in them that keep opening up into other rooms. It’s the most extraordinary thing. I don’t opening up into other rooms. It’s the most extraordinary thing. I don’t know how you do it, and probably you don’t know, either. But I do know how you do it, and probably you don’t know, either. But I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life living inside your plays. know that I want to spend the rest of my life living inside your plays. Nobody else in the history of the world will ever do your work with the Nobody else in the history of the world will ever do your work with the love and attention and obsession that I will devote to them. If there are love and attention and obsession that I will devote to them. If there are things I can’t see now, I’ll find them later. My mistakes will be more in- things I can’t see now, I’ll find them later. My mistakes will be more interesting than other people’s triumphs. I’ll get on my knees and beg you teresting than other people’s triumphs. I’ll get on my knees and beg you if I have to. Don’t take this away from me. if I have to. Don’t take this away from me.

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FARRAGUT NORTH FARRAGUT NORTH Beau Willimon Beau Willimon More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Tom, forties to fifties Tom, forties to fifties

Tom is a hard-boiled political campaign manager. He is giving some Tom is a hard-boiled political campaign manager. He is giving some words of advice to Steve, press secretary for a governor who is running words of advice to Steve, press secretary for a governor who is running for president. He thinks Steve is betting on the wrong horse. for president. He thinks Steve is betting on the wrong horse.

TOM: You’re a smart guy, Steve. Very smart. But there’s a lot of smart guys out TOM: You’re a smart guy, Steve. Very smart. But there’s a lot of smart guys out there. I’ve seen ’em rise and fall, and when they fall — they fall hard. there. I’ve seen ’em rise and fall, and when they fall — they fall hard. Eventually they make a wrong move or get too arrogant or get too para- Eventually they make a wrong move or get too arrogant or get too paranoid or just plain buckle under all the pressure. You know what I’m talk- noid or just plain buckle under all the pressure. You know what I’m talking about. The heels at your back. Guys twice your age jealous of you. ing about. The heels at your back. Guys twice your age jealous of you. Younger guys circling like vultures. You start making enemies you don’t Younger guys circling like vultures. You start making enemies you don’t even know you had. That’s a terrible feeling, isn’t? Constantly looking even know you had. That’s a terrible feeling, isn’t? Constantly looking over your shoulder, wondering who you can trust. Always wondering over your shoulder, wondering who you can trust. Always wondering who’s gonna screw you next. who’s gonna screw you next. You’ve got something the other guys don’t have. You’ve got a special You’ve got something the other guys don’t have. You’ve got a special . . . what is it? Charm isn’t the right word. It’s more than that. You exude . . . what is it? Charm isn’t the right word. It’s more than that. You exude something. You draw people in. All the reporters love you. Even the ones something. You draw people in. All the reporters love you. Even the ones that hate you love you. You play them all like they’re pieces on a chess- that hate you love you. You play them all like they’re pieces on a chess- board. And you make it look effortless. We both know how much work board. And you make it look effortless. We both know how much work it takes, constantly being on guard, weighing every word so carefully, it takes, constantly being on guard, weighing every word so carefully, every move. But from the outside, you make it look easy. People are every move. But from the outside, you make it look easy. People are scared of you because they don’t understand how you do it, and they love scared of you because they don’t understand how you do it, and they love you for it. There’s nothing more valuable in this business — the ability you for it. There’s nothing more valuable in this business — the ability to win people’s respect by making them mistake their fear for love. to win people’s respect by making them mistake their fear for love. About twenty percent of what you think is your solid support is ac- About twenty percent of what you think is your solid support is actually our people posing as Morris supporters. Inflates your lead, makes tually our people posing as Morris supporters. Inflates your lead, makes you feel comfortable, makes us look like the underdog. Three days ago you feel comfortable, makes us look like the underdog. Three days ago we started telling them to switch back over to us when the pollsters call. we started telling them to switch back over to us when the pollsters call. During the next week, the tracks will show us gaining steadily and fi- During the next week, the tracks will show us gaining steadily and fi-

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nally overtaking you a day or two before the caucus. It’ll look like we’ve nally overtaking you a day or two before the caucus. It’ll look like we’ve made a come-from-behind victory out of nowhere, when in reality we’ve made a come-from-behind victory out of nowhere, when in reality we’ve had the lead all along. We’ll have the momentum out of Iowa and take had the lead all along. We’ll have the momentum out of Iowa and take New Hampshire on the twenty-seventh. Morris will throw in the towel New Hampshire on the twenty-seventh. Morris will throw in the towel by Super Tuesday. by Super Tuesday. Our field director talks to a hundred organizers. Each of those or- Our field director talks to a hundred organizers. Each of those organizers talks to a dozen precinct captains. The precinct captains call ganizers talks to a dozen precinct captains. The precinct captains call fifty, a hundred supporters they trust. Do the math, Steve. That’s what fifty, a hundred supporters they trust. Do the math, Steve. That’s what — fifteen thousand voters at least. Over ten percent of the vote. — fifteen thousand voters at least. Over ten percent of the vote. You really think I’d have you drive all the way out here to blow You really think I’d have you drive all the way out here to blow smoke up your ass. What good would it do me to show you these num- smoke up your ass. What good would it do me to show you these numbers if they weren’t real? Take them. Have Morris hit every county in the bers if they weren’t real? Take them. Have Morris hit every county in the state. You might pick up a point or two, but you don’t have enough time state. You might pick up a point or two, but you don’t have enough time to close the gap. I’m not showing you these numbers to try and intimi- to close the gap. I’m not showing you these numbers to try and intimi- date you, Steve. I’m showing you these numbers because I want you to date you, Steve. I’m showing you these numbers because I want you to work for a winner. You’re too good to work for a loser. work for a winner. You’re too good to work for a loser. These numbers are just the tip of the iceberg. A week ago I brought These numbers are just the tip of the iceberg. A week ago I brought three hundred more field staff to pump up the GOTV. We’ve got over three hundred more field staff to pump up the GOTV. We’ve got over six hundred organizers under the radar that nobody knows about. The six hundred organizers under the radar that nobody knows about. The day before the caucus we’ll robo-call and mass mail the hell out of your day before the caucus we’ll robo-call and mass mail the hell out of your supporters with wrong polling locations. On game day, I’ll send vans out supporters with wrong polling locations. On game day, I’ll send vans out to your strong areas to cause traffic jams so your supporters can’t get to to your strong areas to cause traffic jams so your supporters can’t get to their caucuses. And once everyone gets into the caucus room, you’ll find their caucuses. And once everyone gets into the caucus room, you’ll find that a third of your precinct captains are actually our people. And by the that a third of your precinct captains are actually our people. And by the way — we’ve got Thompson in the bag. way — we’ve got Thompson in the bag. We promised Thompson secretary of labor, so he’ll do anything we We promised Thompson secretary of labor, so he’ll do anything we tell him to do — like sticking a carrot in front of your noses until we tell tell him to do — like sticking a carrot in front of your noses until we tell him to yank it away. Iowa’s already over, Steve. It’s been over for weeks. him to yank it away. Iowa’s already over, Steve. It’s been over for weeks. I’m thinking way down the road now. That’s why I want you. We need I’m thinking way down the road now. That’s why I want you. We need the best. I’ll bring you in straight at the top. the best. I’ll bring you in straight at the top. What is it you love about your job? (Beat.) I bet I know. It’s not What is it you love about your job? (Beat.) I bet I know. It’s not about power. If you wanted power you’d work on Wall Street, or in Hol- about power. If you wanted power you’d work on Wall Street, or in Hol- lywood. And it’s not about money, ’cause we both know this line of work lywood. And it’s not about money, ’cause we both know this line of work doesn’t pay. And it’s definitely not any idealistic nonsense about making doesn’t pay. And it’s definitely not any idealistic nonsense about making a difference. Otherwise, you’d slave away for Greenpeace or PETA or a difference. Otherwise, you’d slave away for Greenpeace or PETA or some other piece of crap nonprofit. You love your job because you know some other piece of crap nonprofit. You love your job because you know you’re the best at what you do. It makes you feel invincible. But you still you’re the best at what you do. It makes you feel invincible. But you still have one hurdle to jump. You want that desk with a window two doors have one hurdle to jump. You want that desk with a window two doors

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down from the Oval Office with reporters poking in and hanging on down from the Oval Office with reporters poking in and hanging on your every word. You want that moment when you wake up next to your your every word. You want that moment when you wake up next to your girlfriend at five in the morning, climb out of bed, make yourself a cup girlfriend at five in the morning, climb out of bed, make yourself a cup of coffee, and can think to yourself — I’ve made it. I’m at the height of of coffee, and can think to yourself — I’ve made it. I’m at the height of my game. And in that moment the burning stone that’s been lodged in my game. And in that moment the burning stone that’s been lodged in your gut since you can remember — it will vanish. You’ll know — with- your gut since you can remember — it will vanish. You’ll know — without a shred of doubt in your mind — that you’ve made it so high there’s out a shred of doubt in your mind — that you’ve made it so high there’s nowhere higher left to go. nowhere higher left to go.

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FARRAGUT NORTH FARRAGUT NORTH Beau Willimon Beau Willimon

Dramatic Dramatic Paul, forties Paul, forties

Paul is the campaign manager for a governor who is running for presi- Paul is the campaign manager for a governor who is running for president. He is telling Steve, the campaign’s young press secretary, that he is dent. He is telling Steve, the campaign’s young press secretary, that he is firing him because he doesn’t trust him. firing him because he doesn’t trust him.

PAUL: No Stephen. You didn’t make a mistake. You made a choice. Yesterday PAUL: No Stephen. You didn’t make a mistake. You made a choice. Yesterday — remember when you called me on the way to the airport? Remember — remember when you called me on the way to the airport? Remember that? “Hi Paul, this is Steve. I just got a . . . ” What? What did you just that? “Hi Paul, this is Steve. I just got a . . . ” What? What did you just get? A call from Duffy? No. That’s not what you told me. You stopped get? A call from Duffy? No. That’s not what you told me. You stopped yourself. You made up some bullshit to cover yourself. You chose yourself. You made up some bullshit to cover yourself. You chose Stephen. You chose not to tell me. Why did you make that choice? Be- Stephen. You chose not to tell me. Why did you make that choice? Be- cause you were curious. Because you were flattered. Because it made you cause you were curious. Because you were flattered. Because it made you feel special to think Duffy wanted to speak to you instead of me. Because feel special to think Duffy wanted to speak to you instead of me. Because you thought to yourself: maybe I can get something out of this. Because you thought to yourself: maybe I can get something out of this. Because it made you feel big. it made you feel big. (Paul takes out his wallet and pulls out a folded-up dollar bill.) (Paul takes out his wallet and pulls out a folded-up dollar bill.) You know what this is? (As he unfolds the bill.) First campaign I ran You know what this is? (As he unfolds the bill.) First campaign I ran — tiny little race in Kentucky — state senate seat. Workin for a redneck — tiny little race in Kentucky — state senate seat. Workin for a redneck nobody named Sam McGuthrie. Had no money, no staff, no fuckin’ of- nobody named Sam McGuthrie. Had no money, no staff, no fuckin’ office. Worked out of McGuthrie’s garage. Everyone thought we didn’t fice. Worked out of McGuthrie’s garage. Everyone thought we didn’t stand a chance. But sure enough, we start to turn things around. Our stand a chance. But sure enough, we start to turn things around. Our numbers go up. Donations start trickling in. We hire a few people. Rent numbers go up. Donations start trickling in. We hire a few people. Rent an office. Next thing you know, Sam looks like he’s got a real chance. In- an office. Next thing you know, Sam looks like he’s got a real chance. In- cumbent is running scared. So what happens? State Republican Party cumbent is running scared. So what happens? State Republican Party doesn’t want to lose this seat. They pour fifty grand into the other guy’s doesn’t want to lose this seat. They pour fifty grand into the other guy’s coffers. Doesn’t seem like a lot to us now, but in a small race like that, coffers. Doesn’t seem like a lot to us now, but in a small race like that, twenty years ago? It was a fortune. There’s no way we can compete. Our twenty years ago? It was a fortune. There’s no way we can compete. Our party decides to abandon Sam. Didn’t want to spend the money for a party decides to abandon Sam. Didn’t want to spend the money for a seat they thought they were gonna lose anyway. And about this time, a seat they thought they were gonna lose anyway. And about this time, a guy running a congressional campaign a few districts over gives me a guy running a congressional campaign a few districts over gives me a call. Says, “I really like what you were able to do for poor ole Sam. But call. Says, “I really like what you were able to do for poor ole Sam. But let’s face it, he’s a goner, so why don’t you come work for me?” What do let’s face it, he’s a goner, so why don’t you come work for me?” What do

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I do? Well Stephen — this is where you and I are different. I told Sam I do? Well Stephen — this is where you and I are different. I told Sam about the call. And Sam says to me, “Paul, you think this other guy’s got about the call. And Sam says to me, “Paul, you think this other guy’s got a shot at winning, and he can pay you more than anything I can afford, a shot at winning, and he can pay you more than anything I can afford, so if it’s what you feel you need to do, then I won’t get in your way.” So so if it’s what you feel you need to do, then I won’t get in your way.” So I say, “Sam — you took a chance and hired me when I was even more I say, “Sam — you took a chance and hired me when I was even more of nobody than you are, and I’d be damned if I’m gonna jump ship just of nobody than you are, and I’d be damned if I’m gonna jump ship just because the shit hit the fan.” We froze all the staff’s salaries and poured because the shit hit the fan.” We froze all the staff’s salaries and poured every dime we had into winning the race. By election day, I was literally every dime we had into winning the race. By election day, I was literally down to one dollar in my pocket. This dollar. (He crumples up the dollar down to one dollar in my pocket. This dollar. (He crumples up the dollar and tosses it to Stephen.) We lost the race, but three years later, when Sam and tosses it to Stephen.) We lost the race, but three years later, when Sam decided to run for governor — who do you think he called? We won that decided to run for governor — who do you think he called? We won that race. And twenty years later, I’m where I am now. (Beat.) There’s only race. And twenty years later, I’m where I am now. (Beat.) There’s only one thing I value in this world, Steve, and that’s loyalty. Without it one thing I value in this world, Steve, and that’s loyalty. Without it you’re nothing and you have no one. And in politics it’s the only cur- you’re nothing and you have no one. And in politics it’s the only cur- rency that you can count on. That’s why I’m letting you go. Not because rency that you can count on. That’s why I’m letting you go. Not because you’re not good enough. Hell, you’re the best. But I value trust over skill. you’re not good enough. Hell, you’re the best. But I value trust over skill. And I don’t trust you anymore. And I don’t trust you anymore.

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FROST/NIXON FROST/NIXON Peter Morgan Peter Morgan

Dramatic Dramatic Nixon, sixties Nixon, sixties

Former President Nixon has agreed to be interviewed by British televi- Former President Nixon has agreed to be interviewed by British television journalist David Frost. On the night before the two will be dis- sion journalist David Frost. On the night before the two will be discussing the Watergate scandal, Nixon phones Frost to vent about how cussing the Watergate scandal, Nixon phones Frost to vent about how the two of them are more alike than Frost realizes. He is drunk, but the two of them are more alike than Frost realizes. He is drunk, but fiercely determined to best what he believes to be a less-than-formidable fiercely determined to best what he believes to be a less-than-formidable adversary. adversary.

NIXON: Watergate. It’s a small consolation to me that for the next couple of NIXON: Watergate. It’s a small consolation to me that for the next couple of days, that word will be as much of a millstone around your neck as it has days, that word will be as much of a millstone around your neck as it has been around mine. Because I guess, the way you handle Watergate will been around mine. Because I guess, the way you handle Watergate will determine whether these interviews are a success or failure. Should I be determine whether these interviews are a success or failure. Should I be nervous? nervous? You know, it’s strange. We’ve sat in chairs opposite one another, You know, it’s strange. We’ve sat in chairs opposite one another, talking for hours, it seems days on end . . . and yet I’ve hardly gotten to talking for hours, it seems days on end . . . and yet I’ve hardly gotten to know you. One of my people . . . ah . . . as part of the preparation of know you. One of my people . . . ah . . . as part of the preparation of this interview . . . did a profile of you, and I’m sorry to say . . . . I only this interview . . . did a profile of you, and I’m sorry to say . . . . I only got around to reading it tonight. There’s some interesting stuff in there. got around to reading it tonight. There’s some interesting stuff in there. The Methodist background, modest circumstances. Then off to a grand The Methodist background, modest circumstances. Then off to a grand university. Full of richer, posher types. What was it? Oxford? . . . university. Full of richer, posher types. What was it? Oxford? . . . Did the snobs there look down on you, too? . . . Did the snobs there look down on you, too? . . . Of course they did. That’s our tragedy, isn’t it, Mr. Frost? No mat- Of course they did. That’s our tragedy, isn’t it, Mr. Frost? No matter how high we get, they still look down on us . . . ter how high we get, they still look down on us . . . No matter how many awards — or how many column inches are No matter how many awards — or how many column inches are written about you — or how high the elected office is for me — it still written about you — or how high the elected office is for me — it still isn’t enough, am I right? We still feel like the little man? The loser they isn’t enough, am I right? We still feel like the little man? The loser they told us we were? A hundred times. The smart-asses at college. The high- told us we were? A hundred times. The smart-asses at college. The high- ups. The well-born. The people whose respect we really wanted. Really ups. The well-born. The people whose respect we really wanted. Really craved. And isn’t that why we work so hard now? Why we fight for every craved. And isn’t that why we work so hard now? Why we fight for every inch? Scrambling our way up, in undignified fashion, whatever hillock inch? Scrambling our way up, in undignified fashion, whatever hillock or mountain it is, why we never tire, why we find energy or motivation or mountain it is, why we never tire, why we find energy or motivation when any sensible person would lie down, or relax. If we’re honest for a when any sensible person would lie down, or relax. If we’re honest for a

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minute. If we reflect privately just for a moment . . . if we allow ourselves minute. If we reflect privately just for a moment . . . if we allow ourselves . . . a glimpse into that shadowy place we call our soul, isn’t that why . . . a glimpse into that shadowy place we call our soul, isn’t that why we’re here now . . . ? The two of us? Looking for a way back? Into the we’re here now . . . ? The two of us? Looking for a way back? Into the sun? Into the limelight? Back onto the winner’s podium? Because we sun? Into the limelight? Back onto the winner’s podium? Because we could feel it slipping away? We were headed, both of us, for the dirt. The could feel it slipping away? We were headed, both of us, for the dirt. The place the snobs always told us we’d end up. Face in the dust. Humiliated place the snobs always told us we’d end up. Face in the dust. Humiliated all the more for having tried so pitifully hard. Well, to hell with that. all the more for having tried so pitifully hard. Well, to hell with that. We’re not going to let that happen. Either of us. We’re going to show We’re not going to let that happen. Either of us. We’re going to show those bums, and make them choke on our continued success. Our con- those bums, and make them choke on our continued success. Our continued headlines. Our continued awards, power, and glory. We’re going tinued headlines. Our continued awards, power, and glory. We’re going to make those motherfuckers choke. Am I right? . . . to make those motherfuckers choke. Am I right? . . . Yes. And I shall be your fiercest adversary. I shall come at you with Yes. And I shall be your fiercest adversary. I shall come at you with everything I’ve got. Because the limelight can only shine on ONE of us. everything I’ve got. Because the limelight can only shine on ONE of us. And for the other, it’ll be the wilderness. With nothing and no one for And for the other, it’ll be the wilderness. With nothing and no one for company, but those voices ringing in our heads. You can probably tell company, but those voices ringing in our heads. You can probably tell . . . I’ve had a drink. Not too many. Just one or two. But believe me, . . . I’ve had a drink. Not too many. Just one or two. But believe me, when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be focused and ready for battle. Well, when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be focused and ready for battle. Well, good night, Mr. Frost. good night, Mr. Frost.

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FROST/NIXON FROST/NIXON Peter Morgan Peter Morgan

Dramatic Dramatic Frost, thirties Frost, thirties

Former President Nixon has agreed to be interviewed by British televi- Former President Nixon has agreed to be interviewed by British television journalist David Frost. In this, the final segment of those historic sion journalist David Frost. In this, the final segment of those historic interviews, Frost makes the bombshell revelation that Nixon’s staff has interviews, Frost makes the bombshell revelation that Nixon’s staff has uncovered clear evidence that Nixon was involved in the Watergate uncovered clear evidence that Nixon was involved in the Watergate cover-up. cover-up.

FROST: There’s one conversation with Charles Colson in particular, which I FROST: There’s one conversation with Charles Colson in particular, which I don’t think has ever been published. . . . don’t think has ever been published. . . . One of my researchers found it in Washington. Where it’s available One of my researchers found it in Washington. Where it’s available to anyone who consults the records. . . . to anyone who consults the records. . . . It’s where you say . . . “This whole investigation rests unless one of It’s where you say . . . “This whole investigation rests unless one of the seven begins to talk. That’s the problem.” . . . the seven begins to talk. That’s the problem.” . . . You’ve claimed you first learned of the break-in on June twenty- You’ve claimed you first learned of the break-in on June twenty- third. But this transcript clearly shows that to be a falsehood. And in a third. But this transcript clearly shows that to be a falsehood. And in a subsequent transcript of March twenty-first in one conversation alone, subsequent transcript of March twenty-first in one conversation alone, there in black and white, I picked out . . . and these are your words. there in black and white, I picked out . . . and these are your words. (Frost reads from a clipboard.) One, “You could get a millions dollars and (Frost reads from a clipboard.) One, “You could get a millions dollars and you could get it in cash. I know where it could be gotten.” Two, “Your you could get it in cash. I know where it could be gotten.” Two, “Your major guy to keep under control is Hunt.” Three, “Don’t we have to han- major guy to keep under control is Hunt.” Three, “Don’t we have to handle the Hunt situation?” Four, “Get the million bucks. It would seem to dle the Hunt situation?” Four, “Get the million bucks. It would seem to me that would be worthwhile.” Five, “Don’t you agree that you’d better me that would be worthwhile.” Five, “Don’t you agree that you’d better get the Hunt thing going?” Six, “First you’ve got the Hunt problem. get the Hunt thing going?” Six, “First you’ve got the Hunt problem. That ought to be handled.” Seven, “The money can be provided. That ought to be handled.” Seven, “The money can be provided. Ehrlichman could provide the way to deliver it. That could be done.” Ehrlichman could provide the way to deliver it. That could be done.” Eight, “We’ve no choice with Hunt but the one hundred and twenty Eight, “We’ve no choice with Hunt but the one hundred and twenty thousand dollars, or whatever it is, right?” Nine, “Christ, turn over any thousand dollars, or whatever it is, right?” Nine, “Christ, turn over any cash we’ve got.” (Frost looks up at Nixon.) Now, it seems to me, that cash we’ve got.” (Frost looks up at Nixon.) Now, it seems to me, that someone running a cover-up couldn’t have expressed it more clearly than someone running a cover-up couldn’t have expressed it more clearly than that. Could they? that. Could they?

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THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE Mark Shultz Mark Shultz More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Brian, early to midthirties Brian, early to midthirties

Brian blames his children for his lack of success and for the lack of spark Brian blames his children for his lack of success and for the lack of spark in his and Stacey’s marriage. Here, he tells her that he wants to get rid in his and Stacey’s marriage. Here, he tells her that he wants to get rid of them. Wasn’t life better without them? Weren’t they happy? of them. Wasn’t life better without them? Weren’t they happy?

BRIAN: (Beat.) I mean ask yourself. Honestly. Weren’t we happier? Before? BRIAN: (Beat.) I mean ask yourself. Honestly. Weren’t we happier? Before? Didn’t we do things? Didn’t we go places? Didn’t we have. Stacey. Fuck. Didn’t we do things? Didn’t we go places? Didn’t we have. Stacey. Fuck. Didn’t we have friends? Fucking friends. Stacey? That we visited. And ate Didn’t we have friends? Fucking friends. Stacey? That we visited. And ate with. And. Weren’t you. I mean don’t you feel like. Weren’t you prettier? with. And. Weren’t you. I mean don’t you feel like. Weren’t you prettier? Or happier? Or. I don’t know. I think you were. I know I was. I mean. Or happier? Or. I don’t know. I think you were. I know I was. I mean. You were so much more. Beautiful. Just a few years ago. Remember? I You were so much more. Beautiful. Just a few years ago. Remember? I couldn’t even. I couldn’t keep my fucking hands. Off of you. . . . couldn’t even. I couldn’t keep my fucking hands. Off of you. . . . Yeah but now. Stace. Look at us. Gray hairs. And exhaustion. All the Yeah but now. Stace. Look at us. Gray hairs. And exhaustion. All the time. And when we fuck. If we fuck. If I can touch you. And I miss time. And when we fuck. If we fuck. If I can touch you. And I miss touching you. If I can touch you. It’s like. It’s like. It’s just wrong. It’s touching you. If I can touch you. It’s like. It’s like. It’s just wrong. It’s bad. And it’s wrong. And. Perfunctory. And. Mechanical. And. We’re bad. And it’s wrong. And. Perfunctory. And. Mechanical. And. We’re like. It’s like. Two. Corpses. Fucking. No future. No future. No fucking like. It’s like. Two. Corpses. Fucking. No future. No future. No fucking future. Everything lost. See it in the distance. Going. Going. Going. future. Everything lost. See it in the distance. Going. Going. Going. And gone. And gone. And. Gone. And gone. And gone. And. Gone. (Beat.) (Beat.) And you gotta ask. What’s different? Right? What’s different? Well. And you gotta ask. What’s different? Right? What’s different? Well. Stace. It’s the kids. It’s the kids. And. It’s poison. It’s poison. And it’s bad. Stace. It’s the kids. It’s the kids. And. It’s poison. It’s poison. And it’s bad. And it’s wrong. And they need to go. And I can’t look at them. I can’t And it’s wrong. And they need to go. And I can’t look at them. I can’t look at them. I can’t. Be in the same room. Knowing. They swallowed it look at them. I can’t. Be in the same room. Knowing. They swallowed it up. They took it and they swallowed it up. Our happiness. And I want up. They took it and they swallowed it up. Our happiness. And I want it back. For us. For both of us. it back. For us. For both of us. (Beat.) (Beat.) Don’t you miss. Being happy? Don’t you miss. Being happy?

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THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE Mark Shultz Mark Shultz

Dramatic Dramatic Marco, early to midthirties Marco, early to midthirties

Marco, a friend of Brian’s, moonlights as a child broker. Here, he is try- Marco, a friend of Brian’s, moonlights as a child broker. Here, he is trying to convince Stacey to sell her children. ing to convince Stacey to sell her children.

MARCO: Do you see that? Those trees? That gorgeous building? That huge. MARCO: Do you see that? Those trees? That gorgeous building? That huge. Gorgeous. Mansion. Building? Do you know what that is? . . . Gorgeous. Mansion. Building? Do you know what that is? . . . That’s where they’re going. . . . That’s where they’re going. . . . Yes. Exactly. Yes. Absolutely. Look at that. The lush countryside. Yes. Exactly. Yes. Absolutely. Look at that. The lush countryside. Nestled amongst which: one of the finest examples. Of old-world Euro- Nestled amongst which: one of the finest examples. Of old-world Euro- pean opulence. pean opulence. (Beat.) (Beat.) Stacey I’m gonna lay it all out. I represent. The interests. Of a very Stacey I’m gonna lay it all out. I represent. The interests. Of a very sad couple. A very sad. And desperate couple. Who happen to be. Fab- sad couple. A very sad. And desperate couple. Who happen to be. Fab- ulously wealthy. And who wish to remain. For the present. Anonymous. ulously wealthy. And who wish to remain. For the present. Anonymous. The source of their sadness? Can you guess? The wellspring of their woe? The source of their sadness? Can you guess? The wellspring of their woe? Stacey? They’re barren. OK? They’re barren. The one thing in life that Stacey? They’re barren. OK? They’re barren. The one thing in life that could give them any joy. Any happiness. Is children. Many children. could give them any joy. Any happiness. Is children. Many children. Which they themselves. Cannot produce. They’ve tried everything. Fer- Which they themselves. Cannot produce. They’ve tried everything. Fer- tility pills. In vitro fertilization. Surrogates. Nothing. Ruin and disaster tility pills. In vitro fertilization. Surrogates. Nothing. Ruin and disaster all of it. The emotional fatigue, Stacey. I don’t think I need to tell you. all of it. The emotional fatigue, Stacey. I don’t think I need to tell you. Has made them desperate. They are willing. To do anything. For chil- Has made them desperate. They are willing. To do anything. For children. And they have put all the resources at their disposal. Into finding. dren. And they have put all the resources at their disposal. Into finding. The perfect kids. To complete their family. The perfect kids. To complete their family.

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THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE Mark Shultz Mark Shultz

Dramatic Dramatic Brian, early to midthirties Brian, early to midthirties

Brian and Stacey have sold their kids to Marco, a friend of Brian’s who Brian and Stacey have sold their kids to Marco, a friend of Brian’s who moonlights as a child broker. Stacey wants her kids back, but Marco re- moonlights as a child broker. Stacey wants her kids back, but Marco re- fuses, so she has stolen Marco’s kids in a desperate bid to get them back. fuses, so she has stolen Marco’s kids in a desperate bid to get them back. Brian’s tired of her intransigence and tired, too, of what he perceives to Brian’s tired of her intransigence and tired, too, of what he perceives to be Stacey’s rejection of him in favor of the children they sold to buy a be Stacey’s rejection of him in favor of the children they sold to buy a better life. Stacey’s gone so far as to say that she can make it without him better life. Stacey’s gone so far as to say that she can make it without him as long as she gets her kids back. Here, Brian levels with her and paints as long as she gets her kids back. Here, Brian levels with her and paints a picture of what life without him will really be like. a picture of what life without him will really be like.

BRIAN: OK, I’m pretty fucking tired of this. Stacey? You know what? You BRIAN: OK, I’m pretty fucking tired of this. Stacey? You know what? You wanna know what? You think you can get out of this you think you can wanna know what? You think you can get out of this you think you can leave? Then get the fuck out already. Just get the fuck out. Get out of my leave? Then get the fuck out already. Just get the fuck out. Get out of my fucking house. And out. Of my fucking life. And you go. And live. fucking house. And out. Of my fucking life. And you go. And live. Alone. Out there. With them. With your dead fucking kids. Alone. Out there. With them. With your dead fucking kids. With your greedy fucking hungry fucking dead ghost fucking chil- With your greedy fucking hungry fucking dead ghost fucking children. You make a life with them. If you can. If “life.” If the word “life” dren. You make a life with them. If you can. If “life.” If the word “life” is any way to describe that sort of endless fucking misery. You try living is any way to describe that sort of endless fucking misery. You try living with them. All. Alone. With your “pain.” And your guilt. And your guilt. with them. All. Alone. With your “pain.” And your guilt. And your guilt. And your useless fucking gnawing fucking guilt. All. Alone. ’Cause I And your useless fucking gnawing fucking guilt. All. Alone. ’Cause I can’t take it. I won’t take it. can’t take it. I won’t take it. And if you realize one day you can’t do it. That you can’t actually And if you realize one day you can’t do it. That you can’t actually live like that either. With them. Cold and hungry and crying and star- live like that either. With them. Cold and hungry and crying and staring at you day in and day out with their cold hungry dead eyes. If one ing at you day in and day out with their cold hungry dead eyes. If one day you wake up and you realize you should have gotten rid of them all day you wake up and you realize you should have gotten rid of them all of them every bit of them every thought of them a long time ago when of them every bit of them every thought of them a long time ago when you had the chance. If you realize that. When you realize that. I hope you you had the chance. If you realize that. When you realize that. I hope you think of me. And I hope you think of us. Of what we had. Of what you think of me. And I hope you think of us. Of what we had. Of what you lost. And I hope you see me happy. Full of all the happiness you rejected. lost. And I hope you see me happy. Full of all the happiness you rejected. Sharing it with someone happy. And grateful. And I hope you hear me Sharing it with someone happy. And grateful. And I hope you hear me laughing. Laughing laughing laughing. At you. Because I will not shed a laughing. Laughing laughing laughing. At you. Because I will not shed a tear. Not one tear. When that door closes behind you. And you vanish tear. Not one tear. When that door closes behind you. And you vanish

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with the ghosts. That you loved. That you insisted on loving. More. with the ghosts. That you loved. That you insisted on loving. More. Than me. Than me. But hey. You know. Whatever. Fine. Do it your way. You wanna suf- But hey. You know. Whatever. Fine. Do it your way. You wanna suffer? Go ahead. Suffer. You wanna feel horrible? You feel horrible. You be fer? Go ahead. Suffer. You wanna feel horrible? You feel horrible. You be horrible. Tell you what: you are horrible. As a mother or a fucking vam- horrible. Tell you what: you are horrible. As a mother or a fucking vam- pire hag. And I take no responsibility for that. That’s all you. You live pire hag. And I take no responsibility for that. That’s all you. You live with it. You sit with it. You be it. You are it. You have fun. That’s not my with it. You sit with it. You be it. You are it. You have fun. That’s not my world. And that’s not my problem. world. And that’s not my problem. So good riddance. Is all I can say. Just give Marco back his kids al- So good riddance. Is all I can say. Just give Marco back his kids already Stacey. And get the fuck out. ready Stacey. And get the fuck out.

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THE GOOD NEGRO THE GOOD NEGRO Tracey Scott Wilson Tracey Scott Wilson

Dramatic Dramatic James, thirties James, thirties

James is a civil-rights activist, modeled on Martin Luther King Jr. James is a civil-rights activist, modeled on Martin Luther King Jr. Here, he is talking about the time he was thrown in jail and about his Here, he is talking about the time he was thrown in jail and about his unshakeable conviction that freedom is coming. unshakeable conviction that freedom is coming.

JAMES: When this first started. My second time in jail. They put me in a cell JAMES: When this first started. My second time in jail. They put me in a cell with some white inmates. I was terrified. They were beating me, threat- with some white inmates. I was terrified. They were beating me, threatening to lynch me. I just prayed. Lord Jesus, if I have to die let me die a ening to lynch me. I just prayed. Lord Jesus, if I have to die let me die a man. Please don’t let them cut me. And I’m praying hard because I know man. Please don’t let them cut me. And I’m praying hard because I know this is it. Then all of a sudden . . . This happens sometimes. When they this is it. Then all of a sudden . . . This happens sometimes. When they beat you, you learn to tune it all out . . . the nigger this and nigger that. beat you, you learn to tune it all out . . . the nigger this and nigger that. But all of a sudden I heard . . . It was like the Lord wanted me to hear But all of a sudden I heard . . . It was like the Lord wanted me to hear how stupid they were so I wouldn’t be scared. This one bucktoothed, how stupid they were so I wouldn’t be scared. This one bucktoothed, cross-eyed man who’s beating me is saying over and over “you ain’t gonna cross-eyed man who’s beating me is saying over and over “you ain’t gonna marry my daughter, you ain’t gonna marry my daughter.” And it just hit marry my daughter, you ain’t gonna marry my daughter.” And it just hit me. Marry his daughter? Why would I want to marry his ugly assed me. Marry his daughter? Why would I want to marry his ugly assed daughter? . . . I started laughing. They must have thought I was daughter? . . . I started laughing. They must have thought I was crazy ’cause they stopped beating me. (Pause.) I felt such a peace then. crazy ’cause they stopped beating me. (Pause.) I felt such a peace then. Right there in the midst of all that craziness. I felt a peace ’cause I knew Right there in the midst of all that craziness. I felt a peace ’cause I knew the Lord must be saving me for something. This is the something, the Lord must be saving me for something. This is the something, Rutherford. I can see it. For the first time in a long time I can see it. Rutherford. I can see it. For the first time in a long time I can see it. Freedom. Freedom is coming. Freedom. Freedom is coming.

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GROUND GROUND Lisa Dillman Lisa Dillman

Dramatic Dramatic Coop Daniels, early sixties Coop Daniels, early sixties

Coop, an industrial pecan grower and head of Citizens Alliance, the Coop, an industrial pecan grower and head of Citizens Alliance, the local civilian border defense group, is attempting to persuade Zelda Pre- local civilian border defense group, is attempting to persuade Zelda Pre- ston, the owner of another local farm, that a Citizens Alliance–built ston, the owner of another local farm, that a Citizens Alliance–built fence should seal off the back end of her property from illegal entry over fence should seal off the back end of her property from illegal entry over the Mexican border. the Mexican border.

COOP: Personally? I hate the idea of a border fence. I really do. My family did COOP: Personally? I hate the idea of a border fence. I really do. My family did business with the Mexicans for decades, just like yours did. But get business with the Mexicans for decades, just like yours did. But get caught hiring them these days you’re in a whole world of hurt. So, caught hiring them these days you’re in a whole world of hurt. So, lookit: we can’t work them, but they’re still coming because the govern- lookit: we can’t work them, but they’re still coming because the govern- ment won’t seal this border. Which is why there’s Citizens Alliance and ment won’t seal this border. Which is why there’s Citizens Alliance and the volunteer fence movement. You look confused. the volunteer fence movement. You look confused. Well. Last fall this particular farmer was robbed at gunpoint by il- Well. Last fall this particular farmer was robbed at gunpoint by illegals right here on his own land. Broad daylight. Happily for him, they legals right here on his own land. Broad daylight. Happily for him, they didn’t blow his head off. Next time he might not be so lucky. My opin- didn’t blow his head off. Next time he might not be so lucky. My opinion, a man shouldn’t need that much “luck” on his own ground. This ion, a man shouldn’t need that much “luck” on his own ground. This fence is funded by donations from thousands of concerned citizens fence is funded by donations from thousands of concerned citizens across the country. I live here. I do all right. But I can’t just sit by while across the country. I live here. I do all right. But I can’t just sit by while illegals gobble up my community’s social services and pave the way for illegals gobble up my community’s social services and pave the way for the economic free fall of the industries along this border. Lookit, a fed- the economic free fall of the industries along this border. Lookit, a fed- erally funded wall from Texas to the Pacific, that would be great. And it erally funded wall from Texas to the Pacific, that would be great. And it might even happen one day. But until it does, we the people are gonna might even happen one day. But until it does, we the people are gonna have to go one volunteer project at a time. Because let me ask you this, have to go one volunteer project at a time. Because let me ask you this, Zelda: Do you like for strangers to take money right out of your pocket? Zelda: Do you like for strangers to take money right out of your pocket? See the gal driving the Bobcat? She’s an out-of-work nurse from Greeley. See the gal driving the Bobcat? She’s an out-of-work nurse from Greeley. Lost her job because her hospital got so overrun with illegals it had to Lost her job because her hospital got so overrun with illegals it had to shut down. Third one in the state. These days the nearest hospital is shut down. Third one in the state. These days the nearest hospital is three hours from Fronteras, did you know that? Nearest clinic’s sixty- three hours from Fronteras, did you know that? Nearest clinic’s sixty- three miles. That gal look like a vigilante to you? Would you feel the three miles. That gal look like a vigilante to you? Would you feel the same if she wasn’t Latina? You don’t need to answer that. But it might same if she wasn’t Latina? You don’t need to answer that. But it might

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interest you to know that nearly a quarter of our membership is Latino. interest you to know that nearly a quarter of our membership is Latino. See, race doesn’t matter to Citizens Alliance — that gal, like all of us See, race doesn’t matter to Citizens Alliance — that gal, like all of us out here, is simply an American protecting her home against further in- out here, is simply an American protecting her home against further invasion. After all, what’s more sacred than home and hearth, Zelda? vasion. After all, what’s more sacred than home and hearth, Zelda? You tell me. You tell me.

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GUINEA PIG SOLO GUINEA PIG SOLO Brett C. Leonard Brett C. Leonard More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic José, late twenties to midthirties. José, late twenties to midthirties.

José is a New York–born Puerto Rican (Nuyorican) and an Iraq War José is a New York–born Puerto Rican (Nuyorican) and an Iraq War veteran. He is a contemporary Woyzeck. His wife has taken out a re- veteran. He is a contemporary Woyzeck. His wife has taken out a restraining order against him. They have a young son. He is in a bar, straining order against him. They have a young son. He is in a bar, speaking to his best friend, Gary, whom he has known since they were speaking to his best friend, Gary, whom he has known since they were children in uptown New York. children in uptown New York.

JOSÉ: I don’t give a shit about rats. I don’t give a shit about elephants. I don’t JOSÉ: I don’t give a shit about rats. I don’t give a shit about elephants. I don’t give a fuck about giraffes or turtles, zebras, two-headed snakes, or the give a fuck about giraffes or turtles, zebras, two-headed snakes, or the hump-backed motherfuckin’ whale! I don’t fuckin’ care about that shit! hump-backed motherfuckin’ whale! I don’t fuckin’ care about that shit! I got bigger fish ta fry, ya understand? Bigger fish. I DON’T GIVE A I got bigger fish ta fry, ya understand? Bigger fish. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHY SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM! Jesus fuckin’ Christ!! SHIT WHY SALMON SWIM UPSTREAM! Jesus fuckin’ Christ!! YOU can talk about bullshit! You can try ta learn ta think of nothing if YOU can talk about bullshit! You can try ta learn ta think of nothing if that’s what you wanna do — just leave my shit out of it, OK? LEARN that’s what you wanna do — just leave my shit out of it, OK? LEARN TA THINK OF NOTHING — shit doesn’t even make any goddamn TA THINK OF NOTHING — shit doesn’t even make any goddamn sense! Ya learn something — you learn SOME-THING! Not sense! Ya learn something — you learn SOME-THING! Not NO-THING! SOME-THING. You learn SOME-THING — fuckin’ NO-THING! SOME-THING. You learn SOME-THING — fuckin’ shit, bro! It’s no way ta go through life thinkin’ that shit, learnin’ nothin’, shit, bro! It’s no way ta go through life thinkin’ that shit, learnin’ nothin’, talkin’ bullshit twenny-four seven. We are what we are — An’ ya know talkin’ bullshit twenny-four seven. We are what we are — An’ ya know what? We don’t stand a chance, guys like you an’ me — deck stacked up what? We don’t stand a chance, guys like you an’ me — deck stacked up against us an’ all that shit. The doctor with the welfare moms? The den- against us an’ all that shit. The doctor with the welfare moms? The den- tist from Bed-Stuy? I don’t know those mothafuckers — you know those tist from Bed-Stuy? I don’t know those mothafuckers — you know those mothafuckers? How many Colin Powells we grow up playin’ dodgeball mothafuckers? How many Colin Powells we grow up playin’ dodgeball with? Bullshit. Your father — he doin’ twenny-five ta life he ran a little with? Bullshit. Your father — he doin’ twenny-five ta life he ran a little weed tryin’ ta put food on the table, your moms is walkin’ dead bustin’ weed tryin’ ta put food on the table, your moms is walkin’ dead bustin’ her ass sixteen-eighteen hours a day cleanin’ toilets a’ some silver-spoon her ass sixteen-eighteen hours a day cleanin’ toilets a’ some silver-spoon bullshit — ya gettin’ your ass ahead goin’ through it that way? Ivy bullshit — ya gettin’ your ass ahead goin’ through it that way? Ivy League diploma on your motherfuckin’ wall next ta the crucifix an’ the League diploma on your motherfuckin’ wall next ta the crucifix an’ the busted-up cockroach legs? Fuck that! Not in this world OR the next — busted-up cockroach legs? Fuck that! Not in this world OR the next — if there even is a next — an’ what is it you think about that shit? Huh? if there even is a next — an’ what is it you think about that shit? Huh?

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Whaddayou think? There’s a heaven, there’s a God? Look around your Whaddayou think? There’s a heaven, there’s a God? Look around your ass — look out your window someday, ridin’ subways, lookin’ at the ass — look out your window someday, ridin’ subways, lookin’ at the faces standin’, sittin’ all around you. If we’re created in God’s image, faces standin’, sittin’ all around you. If we’re created in God’s image, that’s one sad, long-faced, all-powerful motherfucker. Shoulda made us that’s one sad, long-faced, all-powerful motherfucker. Shoulda made us in somebody else’s image. Rich motherfucker’s image. Rolex watches, in somebody else’s image. Rich motherfucker’s image. Rolex watches, penthouse apartments, cars an’ private drivers — they piss on guys like penthouse apartments, cars an’ private drivers — they piss on guys like you an’ me. In their eyes they shit on us. We’re on welfare an’ food you an’ me. In their eyes they shit on us. We’re on welfare an’ food stamps an’ park benches with newspaper blankets, pissin’ our pants, stamps an’ park benches with newspaper blankets, pissin’ our pants, panting for their daughters with eyes buggin’ out our fuckin’ heads — panting for their daughters with eyes buggin’ out our fuckin’ heads — sittin’ on the stoop drinkin’ forties, taggin’ their precious city-owned sittin’ on the stoop drinkin’ forties, taggin’ their precious city-owned overpriced walls. Fuck George Senior! And George W. too! Dick Cheney overpriced walls. Fuck George Senior! And George W. too! Dick Cheney — all them mothafuckers. Mayor Mike Bloomberg? Fuck him too. I — all them mothafuckers. Mayor Mike Bloomberg? Fuck him too. I wanna cigarette I’ll smoke it wherever the fuck I feel like smokin’ it. “An wanna cigarette I’ll smoke it wherever the fuck I feel like smokin’ it. “An unattended cart is an unattended cart.” “Don’t blame me, blame unattended cart is an unattended cart.” “Don’t blame me, blame Bloomberg.” I blame all y’all mothafuckers. Thumbin’ their coke-filled Bloomberg.” I blame all y’all mothafuckers. Thumbin’ their coke-filled noses at guys like you an’ me — howlin’ at the moon — playin’ with our noses at guys like you an’ me — howlin’ at the moon — playin’ with our switchblades — dirty Porta Rican spick-ass motherfuckers — messin’ switchblades — dirty Porta Rican spick-ass motherfuckers — messin’ with their fire hydrants, wilding in the park. It’s two hundred thirty with their fire hydrants, wilding in the park. It’s two hundred thirty seven degrees out, got no air conditionin’, got no super ta fix ’em when seven degrees out, got no air conditionin’, got no super ta fix ’em when we do got ’em — you goddamn right I’m fuckin’ with the hydrants. I’ll we do got ’em — you goddamn right I’m fuckin’ with the hydrants. I’ll sit smack dead middle a that shit NAKED — water shootin’ straight up sit smack dead middle a that shit NAKED — water shootin’ straight up my sweet brown Puerto Rican ass. I’ll put a mothafuckin’ MILK my sweet brown Puerto Rican ass. I’ll put a mothafuckin’ MILK CRATE on top of the fuckin’ hydrant, sit on that shit, an’ I’ll smoke me CRATE on top of the fuckin’ hydrant, sit on that shit, an’ I’ll smoke me a mothafuckin’ Newport while I’m at it! Fuck dem bitches! NYPD. a mothafuckin’ Newport while I’m at it! Fuck dem bitches! NYPD. USMC. They can all tongue my piss-hole all I care. It’s our lot in LIFE USMC. They can all tongue my piss-hole all I care. It’s our lot in LIFE — it’ll be our lot in mothafuckin’ DEATH. Be put ta work in Heaven — it’ll be our lot in mothafuckin’ DEATH. Be put ta work in Heaven if we’re lucky enough ta get there in the first place. All of us — every last if we’re lucky enough ta get there in the first place. All of us — every last one — poor motherfuckers? You don’t got no cash? Ain’t put away ’nuff one — poor motherfuckers? You don’t got no cash? Ain’t put away ’nuff greenbacks your ass was on the earth? Get over there, bitches, get in the greenbacks your ass was on the earth? Get over there, bitches, get in the I-don’t-got-no -motherfuckin’ money line up in Heaven. Or the English- I-don’t-got-no-motherfuckin’ money line up in Heaven. Or the English- is-my -second-language line. Or the your-skin-ain’t-quite-white-enough is-my -second-language line. Or the your-skin-ain’t-quite-white-enough line — fuck you — all a you — over there against the wall, hands up an’ line — fuck you — all a you — over there against the wall, hands up an’ spread ’em, this shit is mothafuckin’ shake-down time. Be on Heaven’s spread ’em, this shit is mothafuckin’ shake-down time. Be on Heaven’s assembly line pullin’ down minimum-fuckin’ — I work at Burger King assembly line pullin’ down minimum-fuckin’ — I work at Burger King wages — makin’ the thunder an’ the lightning for niggas still living wages — makin’ the thunder an’ the lightning for niggas still living down below. An’ other mothafuckers up there with us? Rich, white down below. An’ other mothafuckers up there with us? Rich, white mothafuckers, got their hands in Wall Street? Got their hands in oil mothafuckers, got their hands in Wall Street? Got their hands in oil down in Texas? Be havin’ orgies an’ chill-ass Grey Goose apple-flavor down in Texas? Be havin’ orgies an’ chill-ass Grey Goose apple-flavor martinis, kickin’ with slot machines an’ lucky sevens, filet mignons an’ martinis, kickin’ with slot machines an’ lucky sevens, filet mignons an’

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French shit I can’t even pronounce. Not us, bro. To the assembly lines. French shit I can’t even pronounce. Not us, bro. To the assembly lines. It’s nine-eleven, an’ December seven, an’ the fourth of motherfuckin’ It’s nine-eleven, an’ December seven, an’ the fourth of motherfuckin’ July 1776. September eleven mighta woke up some niggas but it didn’t July 1776. September eleven mighta woke up some niggas but it didn’t wake up enough a them still sound sleepin’ countin’ sheep motherfuck- wake up enough a them still sound sleepin’ countin’ sheep motherfuckers. Sleepin’ hard. Sleepin’ deep, bro. Smilin’, peaceful, wakin’ up in wet ers. Sleepin’ hard. Sleepin’ deep, bro. Smilin’, peaceful, wakin’ up in wet dreams an’ silk sheets — I’m Afghanistan. Operation Iraqi Occupation. dreams an’ silk sheets — I’m Afghanistan. Operation Iraqi Occupation. Vietnam. I’m the mothafuckin’ beaches a Normandy. I waved my moth- Vietnam. I’m the mothafuckin’ beaches a Normandy. I waved my motherfuckin’ flag. I was over there while bitches sat on their fat Twinkie erfuckin’ flag. I was over there while bitches sat on their fat Twinkie eatin’ asses tunin’ in on motherfuckin’ CNN, wishin’ us well, wishin’ us eatin’ asses tunin’ in on motherfuckin’ CNN, wishin’ us well, wishin’ us safe return. Blood and oil on my body, my clothes, my hair — in my safe return. Blood and oil on my body, my clothes, my hair — in my motherfuckin’ eyes — holding a three-year-old Iraqi girl’s intestines in motherfuckin’ eyes — holding a three-year-old Iraqi girl’s intestines in my hands, tryin’ ta resuscitate her, she’s already fuckin’ dead. Her in- my hands, tryin’ ta resuscitate her, she’s already fuckin’ dead. Her intestines in my hands. Go over there and kill, soldier. Go over there an’ testines in my hands. Go over there and kill, soldier. Go over there an’ try ta stay alive so I can profit from your insanity. Make me rich, soldier, try ta stay alive so I can profit from your insanity. Make me rich, soldier, make me richer than I already am. Pat on the back, thank you for your make me richer than I already am. Pat on the back, thank you for your troubles, good luck at the food stand, best a’ luck at the barbershop. troubles, good luck at the food stand, best a’ luck at the barbershop. What’s with the long face, soldier? Ya did good, soldier, put a smile on What’s with the long face, soldier? Ya did good, soldier, put a smile on your face, soldier, walk proud, soldier, stand tall — and by the way — your face, soldier, walk proud, soldier, stand tall — and by the way — oh yeah — welcome back, soldier — welcome home — sure is glad ya oh yeah — welcome back, soldier — welcome home — sure is glad ya didn’t catch one in the gut while you were there, happy ya didn’t get one didn’t catch one in the gut while you were there, happy ya didn’t get one to the head — sorry ’bout your buddies Tommy an’ Luke an’ Justin an’ to the head — sorry ’bout your buddies Tommy an’ Luke an’ Justin an’ lil’ Frankie — sorry they didn’t make it, but yeah, boy, yessir, we sure is lil’ Frankie — sorry they didn’t make it, but yeah, boy, yessir, we sure is glad ta see you doin’ all right — how about a ribbon? Would ya like a glad ta see you doin’ all right — how about a ribbon? Would ya like a ribbon, soldier? How ’bout a medal or two you can wear while you’re out ribbon, soldier? How ’bout a medal or two you can wear while you’re out sellin’ hot dogs an’ lemonade? Tha’d be nice, donchya think? Every sec- sellin’ hot dogs an’ lemonade? Tha’d be nice, donchya think? Every second, every day they bleed me of my life, of my wife, of my child, of who ond, every day they bleed me of my life, of my wife, of my child, of who I am myself. That which does not kill me makes me wanna kill some- I am myself. That which does not kill me makes me wanna kill somebody else. Kill or be killed? Love and be loved. To love and be loved — body else. Kill or be killed? Love and be loved. To love and be loved — nothing else — nothing. Everything else is fuckin’ bullshit — dogshit — nothing else — nothing. Everything else is fuckin’ bullshit — dogshit — catshit. Love and be loved. Or eat a fuckin’ dick. catshit. Love and be loved. Or eat a fuckin’ dick. (Beat.) (Beat.) I’m lyin’? Mmmph? I’m lyin’? C’mon, gimme another cigarette, bro. I’m lyin’? Mmmph? I’m lyin’? C’mon, gimme another cigarette, bro. I don’t wanna be late to my fuckin’ RE-scheduled appointment. I don’t wanna be late to my fuckin’ RE-scheduled appointment.

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GUINEA PIG SOLO GUINEA PIG SOLO Brett C. Leonard Brett C. Leonard

Seriocomic Seriocomic Gary, thirties Gary, thirties

Gary is speaking to his best friend, José, who has recently returned from Gary is speaking to his best friend, José, who has recently returned from fighting the war in Iraq. José is depressed, sleeps on Gary’s couch, es- fighting the war in Iraq. José is depressed, sleeps on Gary’s couch, estranged from his wife and son. José’s wife has taken out a restraining tranged from his wife and son. José’s wife has taken out a restraining order against him. Gary is trying to cheer him up, get him to go out for order against him. Gary is trying to cheer him up, get him to go out for a night on the town, find another woman and forget about his wife. a night on the town, find another woman and forget about his wife.

GARY: All right. All right. Listen, bro — all right? You know about Abraham GARY: All right. All right. Listen, bro — all right? You know about Abraham Lincoln an’ his wife? Mmmmph? You know about that shit? . . . No, no, Lincoln an’ his wife? Mmmmph? You know about that shit? . . . No, no, no — no — listen ta this shit, all right? Honest Abe had this wife, all no — no — listen ta this shit, all right? Honest Abe had this wife, all right — that he was married to. OK? This was the SECOND love of his right — that he was married to. OK? This was the SECOND love of his life — the FIRST love of his life died when he was like nineteen or some- life — the FIRST love of his life died when he was like nineteen or somethin’. Old Abe had a tough time of it from what I understand. His first thin’. Old Abe had a tough time of it from what I understand. His first love died a’ some tragic something-or-other, his mom’s died when he was love died a’ some tragic something-or-other, his mom’s died when he was really young — lotta shit-fuckin’ log cabin — but he had this wife he really young — lotta shit-fuckin’ log cabin — but he had this wife he ended up gettin’ married to, OK? And she was a midget. OK? A little ended up gettin’ married to, OK? And she was a midget. OK? A little fuckin’ midget. And ol’ Abe? This motherfucker was some’n like . . . six- fuckin’ midget. And ol’ Abe? This motherfucker was some’n like . . . six- five, six-six or some shit — a fuckin’ giant, OK? Are you listening? five, six-six or some shit — a fuckin’ giant, OK? Are you listening? And thusly the reason for the restraining order in the first place. And thusly the reason for the restraining order in the first place. Now lemme finish my goddamn story, all right? Now listen carefully to Now lemme finish my goddamn story, all right? Now listen carefully to this shit. OK. So — ol’ Abe — Abraham fuckin’ six-foot-six born-in-a- this shit. OK. So — ol’ Abe — Abraham fuckin’ six-foot-six born-in-a- log-cabin motherfucker — this goofy-bearded motherfucker marries a log-cabin motherfucker — this goofy-bearded motherfucker marries a midget woman no taller than this big — this fuckin’ high she was — like midget woman no taller than this big — this fuckin’ high she was — like a half a midget. And she useta beat the shit outta him. All right? The a half a midget. And she useta beat the shit outta him. All right? The fuckin’ midget would BEAT THE LIVIN’ SHIT outta her husband — fuckin’ midget would BEAT THE LIVIN’ SHIT outta her husband — and what husband was that, José? Joe Blow? Ordinary Schmo? Guy like and what husband was that, José? Joe Blow? Ordinary Schmo? Guy like you or me? No! This was ABRAHAM LINCOLN. She’d beat the shit you or me? No! This was ABRAHAM LINCOLN. She’d beat the shit outta Abraham fuckin’ Lincoln. The lil’ midget. Fuckin’ guy could free an outta Abraham fuckin’ Lincoln. The lil’ midget. Fuckin’ guy could free an entire peoples of the horrors of fuckin’ slavery — he could not control his entire peoples of the horrors of fuckin’ slavery — he could not control his own lil’ midget wife. That’s all I’m sayin’. Now come on. It’s ass time. own lil’ midget wife. That’s all I’m sayin’. Now come on. It’s ass time.

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GUINEA PIG SOLO GUINEA PIG SOLO Brett C. Leonard Brett C. Leonard

Seriocomic Seriocomic Charlie, sixties Charlie, sixties

Charlie is an Italian-American New York City cop and a Vietnam War Charlie is an Italian-American New York City cop and a Vietnam War vet. He is in a barbershop, giving advice on love to José, a young Puerto vet. He is in a barbershop, giving advice on love to José, a young Puerto Rican New Yorker recently home from the Iraq War. Rican New Yorker recently home from the Iraq War.

CHARLIE: I fell in love twice this morning, Joey. Look. You fall in love, whad CHARLIE: I fell in love twice this morning, Joey. Look. You fall in love, whad does it mean? You’d take a bullet for her? She’s all you think about? She does it mean? You’d take a bullet for her? She’s all you think about? She makes your heart beat, makes your cock throb? It’s all of the above. This makes your heart beat, makes your cock throb? It’s all of the above. This morning, I step in a bodega — get my cigarettes — get my coffee — a morning, I step in a bodega — get my cigarettes — get my coffee — a wintergreen can of Altoids. Young girl — one a your kind — brown wintergreen can of Altoids. Young girl — one a your kind — brown skin, brown eyes — beautiful — rings me up at the register. Couldn’t a skin, brown eyes — beautiful — rings me up at the register. Couldn’t a been more’n nineteen. Maybe twenny, twenny-one. I give her the been more’n nineteen. Maybe twenny, twenny-one. I give her the money, she gives me a smile. What’m I thinkin’ about? My phone bill? money, she gives me a smile. What’m I thinkin’ about? My phone bill? My fuckin’ grandkids? I’m thinkin’ about HER. Heart gets a little boom- My fuckin’ grandkids? I’m thinkin’ about HER. Heart gets a little boom- boom-boom, activity begins stirring in the pants — and if some boom-boom, activity begins stirring in the pants — and if some Dominican motherfucker had walked in there with a gun? I’d a stepped Dominican motherfucker had walked in there with a gun? I’d a stepped in front of her and taken one in the chest. In that moment. Ya under- in front of her and taken one in the chest. In that moment. Ya understand? People get too, uh . . . all right Joey, I’m gonna tell ya somethin’. stand? People get too, uh . . . all right Joey, I’m gonna tell ya somethin’. A little somethin’ I know to be true about love. It’s a moment-to- A little somethin’ I know to be true about love. It’s a moment-to- moment thing if you want it to be successful. Ya gotta say to yourself — moment thing if you want it to be successful. Ya gotta say to yourself — yes — I am presently enjoying the company of this lovely young lady by yes — I am presently enjoying the company of this lovely young lady by my side. This . . . is a good time that I am having — and don’t make my side. This . . . is a good time that I am having — and don’t make more of it than what it is. Start thinkin’ ’bout the future? Start shoppin’ more of it than what it is. Start thinkin’ ’bout the future? Start shoppin’ out his-and-hers cemetery plots? This is not love, Joey. This is a mistake out his-and-hers cemetery plots? This is not love, Joey. This is a mistake of the delusional. You enjoy yourself. Ya take it as it comes. Ya grow a lit- of the delusional. You enjoy yourself. Ya take it as it comes. Ya grow a little paunch, get a touch a’ gray, start payin’ for sex. All a part a’ God’s tle paunch, get a touch a’ gray, start payin’ for sex. All a part a’ God’s great plan. This ETERNAL love crap, Joey. It’s for the fuckin’ birds. great plan. This ETERNAL love crap, Joey. It’s for the fuckin’ birds.

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A HUMAN INTEREST STORY A HUMAN INTEREST STORY (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL) (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL) Carlos Murillo Carlos Murillo More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Anonymous Man, thirties Anonymous Man, thirties

Anonymous Man’s thirties have not been kind to him. He’s unsuccessful Anonymous Man’s thirties have not been kind to him. He’s unsuccessful both in work and in love and struggles to find the rudder that will get both in work and in love and struggles to find the rudder that will get his life back on track. In this monologue, he speaks to unseen detectives, his life back on track. In this monologue, he speaks to unseen detectives, responding to questions about a brutal murder-suicide of a married responding to questions about a brutal murder-suicide of a married couple he recently visited for a weekend. The intent of his visit — to re- couple he recently visited for a weekend. The intent of his visit — to re- store his faith in relationships after breaking up with his girlfriend of store his faith in relationships after breaking up with his girlfriend of five years — is thwarted when he learns of the rot underneath his five years — is thwarted when he learns of the rot underneath his friends’ seemingly successful marriage. In this monologue, he begins his friends’ seemingly successful marriage. In this monologue, he begins his tale — navigating the pain and discomfort with the situation through tale — navigating the pain and discomfort with the situation through humor and spinning the metaphor of the Crafty Baboon, a jungle ani- humor and spinning the metaphor of the Crafty Baboon, a jungle animal with which he painfully identifies. mal with which he painfully identifies.

ANONYMOUS MAN: Did you catch that documentary they showed on Discov- ANONYMOUS MAN: Did you catch that documentary they showed on Discov- ery Channel? Baboon Warriors of the Serengeti? ery Channel? Baboon Warriors of the Serengeti? Man . . . Man . . . It was fucked. It was fucked. up. up. I saw it last Thursday night and I can’t get the fucking thing out of I saw it last Thursday night and I can’t get the fucking thing out of my head. It was incredible, the whole thing was just un. b. lievable. I my head. It was incredible, the whole thing was just un. b. lievable. I mean those little fuckers are mean. mean those little fuckers are mean. There was this one part There was this one part And this, this is the part that really stuck with me And this, this is the part that really stuck with me the part I can’t extricate from my craw I mean the part I can’t extricate from my craw I mean Jesus . . . Jesus . . . They were talking about this thing They were talking about this thing this whole phenomenon that happens on planet baboon this whole phenomenon that happens on planet baboon this whole phenomenon of a certain kind of baboon they call this whole phenomenon of a certain kind of baboon they call

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The Crafty Baboon The Crafty Baboon . . . see: . . . see: Baboons have a whole tribal hierarchy thing going Baboons have a whole tribal hierarchy thing going the alpha males hunt the food and fight the wars the alpha males hunt the food and fight the wars beta males make this perimeter around the camp keeping watch so beta males make this perimeter around the camp keeping watch so the females staying at home can rear little future alphas in peace. . . . the females staying at home can rear little future alphas in peace. . . . End of the day End of the day Alphas come home from the hunt Alphas come home from the hunt and being all tired, sweaty, and riled up from the hard work and being all tired, sweaty, and riled up from the hard work naturally naturally they’re in the mood to get some they’re in the mood to get some a kind of payment or reward or whatever a kind of payment or reward or whatever for busting their asses out in the jungle all day. for busting their asses out in the jungle all day. Simple . . . Simple . . . But then But then there’s this other kind a baboon there’s this other kind a baboon The Crafty Baboon. The Crafty Baboon. He’s like the third or fourth string male He’s like the third or fourth string male the dead weight the dead weight the useless one the useless one the social critic that can’t keep his mouth shut the social critic that can’t keep his mouth shut criticizes and complains about everything, the living arrangements, criticizes and complains about everything, the living arrangements, the food, the breakdown of the democratic process, corrects the other the food, the breakdown of the democratic process, corrects the other baboons’ use of grammar, talks a lot of bullshit. But: The crafty baboon baboons’ use of grammar, talks a lot of bullshit. But: The crafty baboon doesn’t have the will, skill, courage, or prestige to do anything about it, doesn’t have the will, skill, courage, or prestige to do anything about it, he can only talk up a storm, raise hell until one of the alphas gets sick of he can only talk up a storm, raise hell until one of the alphas gets sick of his yabber and knocks ’em one upside the head. . . . his yabber and knocks ’em one upside the head. . . . But let me tell you, for all his lack of will and skill, the little fucker’s But let me tell you, for all his lack of will and skill, the little fucker’s got a sex drive like you wouldn’t believe, which of course is a prob- got a sex drive like you wouldn’t believe, which of course is a problem ’cause all the good women are already spoken for by one of the alpha lem ’cause all the good women are already spoken for by one of the alpha in the tribe, but the little fucker’s got to get off somehow so: in the tribe, but the little fucker’s got to get off somehow so: What he does — What he does — And this. And this. is. is. fascinating — fascinating — What he does — What he does — is he waits. . . . is he waits. . . . At the crack of dawn At the crack of dawn

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while the baboon kids are still asleep while the baboon kids are still asleep and while the females are packin’ up lunchboxes for the alphas’ hunt and while the females are packin’ up lunchboxes for the alphas’ hunt The Crafty Baboon sleeps with one eye open The Crafty Baboon sleeps with one eye open watching the whole thing, watching the whole thing, waiting . . . waiting . . . He watches the “good-bye-have-a-nice-day-at-work” kisses, He watches the “good-bye-have-a-nice-day-at-work” kisses, he watches the alphas march off one by one into the jungle he watches the alphas march off one by one into the jungle he watches the females on the porch, wearing their aprons he watches the females on the porch, wearing their aprons and waving their good-byes and waving their good-byes you’d think it was the fuckin’ Brady Bunch . . . you’d think it was the fuckin’ Brady Bunch . . . And the horny little fucker lies in wait like that And the horny little fucker lies in wait like that ’til he sees the last purple-assed alpha ’til he sees the last purple-assed alpha disappear through the trees. disappear through the trees. Which is his cue. Which is his cue. His eyes pop wide open, His eyes pop wide open, he springs up on his hind legs he springs up on his hind legs and the little fucker’s up and at ’em. and the little fucker’s up and at ’em. Heart beating like he’s on crack Heart beating like he’s on crack Can’t tell if he’s grinning or grimacing Can’t tell if he’s grinning or grimacing but either way he’s so worked up but either way he’s so worked up it looks like his face is about to shatter into a thousand shards. it looks like his face is about to shatter into a thousand shards. And he starts chanting to himself And he starts chanting to himself I’M THE MILKMAN I’M THE MILKMAN I’M THE PLUMBER I’M THE PLUMBER I’M THE PIZZA BOY I’M THE PIZZA BOY I’M THE UPS GUY I’M THE UPS GUY I’M THE CABLE GUY I’M THE CABLE GUY and one by one he starts fucking everything in sight and one by one he starts fucking everything in sight all those unattainable, spoken-for alpha females all those unattainable, spoken-for alpha females Yeah, he fucks everything in sight but Yeah, he fucks everything in sight but he can’t enjoy it ’cause . . . he can’t enjoy it ’cause . . . the alphas might come home the alphas might come home unannounced any second unannounced any second and if one of the alphas caught him . . . and if one of the alphas caught him . . . whhheyyll. . . . whhheyyll. . . . So while he’s bouncing up and down like a lunatic pogo stick, he So while he’s bouncing up and down like a lunatic pogo stick, he keeps looking over his shoulder keeps looking over his shoulder can’t concentrate can’t concentrate can’t savor the moment . . . can’t savor the moment . . .

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doesn’t notice the “are-you-done-yet” look on the chick’s face doesn’t notice the “are-you-done-yet” look on the chick’s face the tiniest rustling of leaves sets off a paranoia in him the tiniest rustling of leaves sets off a paranoia in him that’d make J. Edgar Hoover envious. . . . that’d make J. Edgar Hoover envious. . . . That’s how he spends his whole day, day after day: That’s how he spends his whole day, day after day: Paranoid, sweating, a tangle of nerves Paranoid, sweating, a tangle of nerves heartbeat away from having a coronary, heartbeat away from having a coronary, fucking everything in sight . . . fucking everything in sight . . . But incapable of taking an ounce of pleasure in it. . . . But incapable of taking an ounce of pleasure in it. . . . Ohhh . . . Ohhh . . . The footage in the documentary was un. b. lievable. The footage in the documentary was un. b. lievable. And And you don’t even want to know you don’t even want to know what happens when the Crafty Baboon gets caught in the act. what happens when the Crafty Baboon gets caught in the act. I never knew flesh and fur could be torn up like paper. I never knew flesh and fur could be torn up like paper.

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IN THE SAWTOOTHS IN THE SAWTOOTHS Dano Madden Dano Madden More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Darin Williams, thirty Darin Williams, thirty

Darin is an all-American guy whose life has fallen apart as a result of Darin is an all-American guy whose life has fallen apart as a result of his four-year-old daughter’s accidental death. His wife, Val, won’t see his four-year-old daughter’s accidental death. His wife, Val, won’t see him, and their marriage is teetering on the brink of divorce. Darin has him, and their marriage is teetering on the brink of divorce. Darin has been staying with his loyal and obsessive-compulsive friend, Oby. Fol- been staying with his loyal and obsessive-compulsive friend, Oby. Fol- lowing a fight with Oby, Darin disappears recklessly into the night. lowing a fight with Oby, Darin disappears recklessly into the night. After searching into the wee hours of the morning, Oby finally finds After searching into the wee hours of the morning, Oby finally finds Darin in the middle of a Boise public park. Here, Darin confesses to Darin in the middle of a Boise public park. Here, Darin confesses to Oby where he went. Oby where he went.

DARIN: I went to our house. Looking for Val. Why the fuck would she be DARIN: I went to our house. Looking for Val. Why the fuck would she be there? All those pictures on the wall . . . I puked everywhere. So I drove there? All those pictures on the wall . . . I puked everywhere. So I drove to her parents’ house. I know she’s there. I know she has to be there. to her parents’ house. I know she’s there. I know she has to be there. Walking up those fucking front steps where I used to leave flowers for Walking up those fucking front steps where I used to leave flowers for her in high school. All I was thinking was, please, God, let me see my her in high school. All I was thinking was, please, God, let me see my wife. Let me see my wife let me see my wife let me see my wife. I rang wife. Let me see my wife let me see my wife let me see my wife. I rang the bell and I knocked and knocked and knocked please let me see my the bell and I knocked and knocked and knocked please let me see my wife — And the door opened. wife — And the door opened. My mother-in-law. And I said please can I see my please can I see My mother-in-law. And I said please can I see my please can I see my wife and she started to close the door and I stopped it with my foot my wife and she started to close the door and I stopped it with my foot and please can I see my wife please just let me see my wife — And she and please can I see my wife please just let me see my wife — And she said, “That girl should still be here. You should’ve been watching her. Val said, “That girl should still be here. You should’ve been watching her. Val doesn’t want to see you.” And she slammed the door in my face. doesn’t want to see you.” And she slammed the door in my face. Goddamn it Oby! No one ever drives down our street. No one ever Goddamn it Oby! No one ever drives down our street. No one ever drives down it. It happened so fast. Never. How could I have — Oby drives down it. It happened so fast. Never. How could I have — Oby . . . Val told me to put her to bed, she thought I was putting her to bed. . . . Val told me to put her to bed, she thought I was putting her to bed. But you can’t waste summer nights. You can’t. We always played hide But you can’t waste summer nights. You can’t. We always played hide and seek. You aren’t supposed to go to bed early on summer nights — and seek. You aren’t supposed to go to bed early on summer nights — I just, Sonya wanted to — No one ever drives down our street, no I just, Sonya wanted to — No one ever drives down our street, no one ever drives down our street no one ever drives down our street — one ever drives down our street no one ever drives down our street — No one ever no one ever no one ever no one ever — No one ever no one ever no one ever no one ever —

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IN THE SAWTOOTHS IN THE SAWTOOTHS Dano Madden Dano Madden

Dramatic Dramatic Oby Patterson, thirty Oby Patterson, thirty

Oby is an insecure, obsessive-compulsive guy. His friend Darin’s four- Oby is an insecure, obsessive-compulsive guy. His friend Darin’s four- year-old daughter was recently killed in an accident. Darin’s wife won’t year-old daughter was recently killed in an accident. Darin’s wife won’t see him, and he is staying with Oby. Darin is lying crumpled under- see him, and he is staying with Oby. Darin is lying crumpled underneath a blanket on Oby’s living-room floor. Oby has no idea what to say neath a blanket on Oby’s living-room floor. Oby has no idea what to say to Darin, who is in a grief-stricken state. Here, he tries. to Darin, who is in a grief-stricken state. Here, he tries.

OBY: I never played T-ball. Most kids start with T-ball. My brother started OBY: I never played T-ball. Most kids start with T-ball. My brother started with T-ball and he was a star. I started with baseball. I liked my glove with T-ball and he was a star. I started with baseball. I liked my glove and I liked being outside, but I knew nothing about the rules. I was ter- and I liked being outside, but I knew nothing about the rules. I was terrified at every practice. Our coach really really wanted us to win. He rified at every practice. Our coach really really wanted us to win. He wasn’t so patient with kids who didn’t understand. He yelled at me a lot. wasn’t so patient with kids who didn’t understand. He yelled at me a lot. Coach would put me in all these different positions. He never realized Coach would put me in all these different positions. He never realized that he just needed to explain one position to me. So, at one practice, he that he just needed to explain one position to me. So, at one practice, he wanted me to play catcher. We were doing some base running drill, and wanted me to play catcher. We were doing some base running drill, and I think the catcher was supposed to guard against people trying to steal. I think the catcher was supposed to guard against people trying to steal. I know this now. But then . . . I had no fucking clue. So I put on all the I know this now. But then . . . I had no fucking clue. So I put on all the gear. And I went to home plate and Coach was pitching and there were gear. And I went to home plate and Coach was pitching and there were all of these base runners and I was so scared. He probably gave me some all of these base runners and I was so scared. He probably gave me some instruction, which I probably didn’t understand. And then he started instruction, which I probably didn’t understand. And then he started pitching to me. All I could remember, from watching the other kid who pitching to me. All I could remember, from watching the other kid who played catcher, was that he would occasionally jump up, rip his mask off, played catcher, was that he would occasionally jump up, rip his mask off, and look around. So. When coach pitched to me I caught it, jumped up, and look around. So. When coach pitched to me I caught it, jumped up, and ripped my mask off. I looked around with the ball cocked in my and ripped my mask off. I looked around with the ball cocked in my hand. And Coach was so happy. “Good! Good, Oby!” So I kept doing hand. And Coach was so happy. “Good! Good, Oby!” So I kept doing the same thing. On every pitch. Jump up. Throw the mask into the dirt. the same thing. On every pitch. Jump up. Throw the mask into the dirt. Look around. I don’t think I ever actually threw the ball. Coach moved Look around. I don’t think I ever actually threw the ball. Coach moved me to right field after the drill. Catch it. Jump up. Throw the mask. me to right field after the drill. Catch it. Jump up. Throw the mask. Look alive. That’s how you play catcher. Look alive. That’s how you play catcher.

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LOST GENERATION LOST GENERATION Don Nigro Don Nigro

Dramatic Dramatic Ernest, late twenties Ernest, late twenties

In Paris, in the late 1920s, Ernest Hemingway is in the middle of an In Paris, in the late 1920s, Ernest Hemingway is in the middle of an ongoing and increasingly bitter confrontation with his friend Scott ongoing and increasingly bitter confrontation with his friend Scott Fitzgerald’s beautiful and talented but slightly mad wife, Zelda. Zelda Fitzgerald’s beautiful and talented but slightly mad wife, Zelda. Zelda has been making fun of what she sees as his absurdly over-the-top at- has been making fun of what she sees as his absurdly over-the-top attempts to glorify his own masculine image, accusing him of exaggerat- tempts to glorify his own masculine image, accusing him of exaggerat- ing his war experiences in his writing and of being a compulsive liar ing his war experiences in his writing and of being a compulsive liar and a ruthless, treacherous, and dishonest self-promoter. There is also a and a ruthless, treacherous, and dishonest self-promoter. There is also a good deal of unspoken sexual tension between them that is just about to good deal of unspoken sexual tension between them that is just about to burst out. This is an angry Hemingway defending himself and his work burst out. This is an angry Hemingway defending himself and his work to her. to her.

ERNEST: In Milan I saw a blown-up munitions factory. There was a barbed ERNEST: In Milan I saw a blown-up munitions factory. There was a barbed wire fence with meat hanging on it. Arms, legs, backs, heads. Guts wire fence with meat hanging on it. Arms, legs, backs, heads. Guts strung all over. One girl, completely naked, not a scratch on her, just the strung all over. One girl, completely naked, not a scratch on her, just the head was gone. I saw that and I wrote about it. And what does Scott head was gone. I saw that and I wrote about it. And what does Scott write about? Parties. Jesus Christ. Is that what a writer is supposed to be write about? Parties. Jesus Christ. Is that what a writer is supposed to be for? That’s the truth? You want to know the truth? Here’s the truth. for? That’s the truth? You want to know the truth? Here’s the truth. Everything good that ever happened to me I made up. But all the bad Everything good that ever happened to me I made up. But all the bad stuff is true. It’s easy to write the truth. You’ve just got to be a great liar. stuff is true. It’s easy to write the truth. You’ve just got to be a great liar. The minute you put pen to paper, it’s a lie before the ink dries. It’s got The minute you put pen to paper, it’s a lie before the ink dries. It’s got to be a lie because it can’t be what happened — it’s ink on paper. Every to be a lie because it can’t be what happened — it’s ink on paper. Every story is a lie. But some lies are better than others. Some of the lies we story is a lie. But some lies are better than others. Some of the lies we write are better than what really happened because they give us access to write are better than what really happened because they give us access to parts of ourselves that are truer than we could possibly have understood parts of ourselves that are truer than we could possibly have understood if somebody didn’t lie to us that way. It’s all betrayal. All writing is be- if somebody didn’t lie to us that way. It’s all betrayal. All writing is betrayal. Betrayal is truth. My writing is a magnificent betrayal. Therefore, trayal. Betrayal is truth. My writing is a magnificent betrayal. Therefore, my writing is truth. And anybody who gets in the way needs to be killed. my writing is truth. And anybody who gets in the way needs to be killed. Anything else you want to know about the truth? Anything else you want to know about the truth?

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MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO HEAVEN HEAVEN Russell Davis Russell Davis More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Ramin, late twenties to early thirties Ramin, late twenties to early thirties

Ramin, a young Iranian, has come to Edna’s house in a small coastal Ramin, a young Iranian, has come to Edna’s house in a small coastal village to find his sister, Mahida, and bring her home. He learns that village to find his sister, Mahida, and bring her home. He learns that she is out for a walk with Edna’s son, Thomas, whom he does not know. she is out for a walk with Edna’s son, Thomas, whom he does not know. While he waits for Mahida’s return, he and Edna find that they have While he waits for Mahida’s return, he and Edna find that they have little in common, and the discomfort and wariness between them grows. little in common, and the discomfort and wariness between them grows.

RAMIN: God is in all this your money buys? There’s God in your television RAMIN: God is in all this your money buys? There’s God in your television programs? Your Hollywood? Your advertisements on your buses or mag- programs? Your Hollywood? Your advertisements on your buses or magazines? These photographs and posters with young men and women, azines? These photographs and posters with young men and women, even boys and girls, touching each other while they wear only under- even boys and girls, touching each other while they wear only under- pants? This is God to you? To advertise like this? Everywhere I walk in pants? This is God to you? To advertise like this? Everywhere I walk in your country, everywhere I look, I see something to make people think your country, everywhere I look, I see something to make people think of sex, or to take a drug. To suggest these things. This is what you want of sex, or to take a drug. To suggest these things. This is what you want your children to see? How they should grow up? With all this false your children to see? How they should grow up? With all this false allurement? . . . allurement? . . . This enticement? You might as well hand your children now a new This enticement? You might as well hand your children now a new alphabet coloring book. The letter “A” could be a picture of adultery or alphabet coloring book. The letter “A” could be a picture of adultery or anal sex. How to do these things. The letter “B” could be bellyache or anal sex. How to do these things. The letter “B” could be bellyache or backache. “C” would be copulation or cancer. This would at least be backache. “C” would be copulation or cancer. This would at least be truthful. How can you teach a child to be deaf and blind to what is all truthful. How can you teach a child to be deaf and blind to what is all around? What surrounds them in your country? What must surely in- around? What surrounds them in your country? What must surely in- fect how they think, what they choose. And what you now want to sur- fect how they think, what they choose. And what you now want to sur- round all the rest of the world with. . . . round all the rest of the world with. . . . Oh, yes. You think what you do stops here on these shores? This is Oh, yes. You think what you do stops here on these shores? This is your freedom? Your sprawl? To spread out across the whole world? To your freedom? Your sprawl? To spread out across the whole world? To change what we see in our own lands, what is in our own thoughts, or change what we see in our own lands, what is in our own thoughts, or the thoughts of our children and women? the thoughts of our children and women? Hah. Hah.

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This is your supply-side economics? Your foreign investment laws? This is your supply-side economics? Your foreign investment laws? This is more than an invasion, I think. Some soldiers who come by This is more than an invasion, I think. Some soldiers who come by for a century or so. No, this is an attempt to remake the world. To for a century or so. No, this is an attempt to remake the world. To change forever the very face of the earth. The ground we stand on. To change forever the very face of the earth. The ground we stand on. To manipulate all the minds of men and to brush aside all opposing culture. manipulate all the minds of men and to brush aside all opposing culture. To make us all in your image. What your land here has become. To make us all in your image. What your land here has become.

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MEATBALL HERO MEATBALL HERO Richard Vetere Richard Vetere More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Comic Comic Raymond, midthirties Raymond, midthirties

Raymond is a rough-around-the-edges, self-made New York City busi- Raymond is a rough-around-the-edges, self-made New York City businessman. He wears a suit but is more street-wise than white nessman. He wears a suit but is more street-wise than white collar. Here, he asks the French waiter to bring him something sub- collar. Here, he asks the French waiter to bring him something substantial to eat instead of the “sissy” French food he has been served. Also, stantial to eat instead of the “sissy” French food he has been served. Also, he realizes that he has lost his date, Holly, to the obvious charms of the he realizes that he has lost his date, Holly, to the obvious charms of the French waiter, but Raymond doesn’t care. Like the legendary American French waiter, but Raymond doesn’t care. Like the legendary American cowboy, he prefers to follow his American roots, meaning he’d rather cowboy, he prefers to follow his American roots, meaning he’d rather enjoy the substantial pleasures of “man food” — a meatball hero, alone enjoy the substantial pleasures of “man food” — a meatball hero, alone — than impress Holly by eating “sissy food.” — than impress Holly by eating “sissy food.”

RAYMOND: A meatball hero is an essential to everything! It is round, like the RAYMOND: A meatball hero is an essential to everything! It is round, like the earth. Like the sun and moon. Like the wheel, like a baseball, like your earth. Like the sun and moon. Like the wheel, like a baseball, like your head, like your eyes, like your balls, like a great pair of tits! Juicy, tender, head, like your eyes, like your balls, like a great pair of tits! Juicy, tender, round, got it? Like Buddha’s belly and Saturn’s rings. And in a meatball round, got it? Like Buddha’s belly and Saturn’s rings. And in a meatball is meat. Real meat. Beef, pork, or veal. And you know what? You put is meat. Real meat. Beef, pork, or veal. And you know what? You put things in the meat. Good, tasty things. Like ricotta and mozzarella things in the meat. Good, tasty things. Like ricotta and mozzarella cheese and pignola nuts. You don’t want a spongy meatball. You want to cheese and pignola nuts. You don’t want a spongy meatball. You want to drown it in flavor with a good meat sauce and a hero roll from an Ital- drown it in flavor with a good meat sauce and a hero roll from an Ital- ian bakery. And you don’t want your meatball made by a machine. No, ian bakery. And you don’t want your meatball made by a machine. No, it has to be handmade. And it can’t be weighed down with bread crumbs it has to be handmade. And it can’t be weighed down with bread crumbs and leaden with the wrong cheese. It’s food a man can sink his teeth into. and leaden with the wrong cheese. It’s food a man can sink his teeth into. It’s masculine, virile. That’s what a man needs to eat to fill his belly, not It’s masculine, virile. That’s what a man needs to eat to fill his belly, not this sissy food! And more than that, a meatball is a hero. Yes, a hero, this sissy food! And more than that, a meatball is a hero. Yes, a hero, Jack. Do you people have any idea what a hero is? ` Jack. Do you people have any idea what a hero is? `

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MISTAKES WERE MADE MISTAKES WERE MADE Craig Wright Craig Wright

Comic Comic Felix Artifex, forties to sixties Felix Artifex, forties to sixties

Felix is a wheeling-dealing Broadway producer. He specializes in re- Felix is a wheeling-dealing Broadway producer. He specializes in re- vivals of the classics featuring movie or television stars (such as Suzanna vivals of the classics featuring movie or television stars (such as Suzanna Somers in Medea and Tony Danza in The Master Builder). He is on Somers in Medea and Tony Danza in The Master Builder). He is on the phone with the playwright of a new play he is producing about the the phone with the playwright of a new play he is producing about the French Revolution and is explaining his “philosophy” of producing. French Revolution and is explaining his “philosophy” of producing.

FELIX: Steven, here’s the deal: life is unbearable and short. Yes, life is unbear- FELIX: Steven, here’s the deal: life is unbearable and short. Yes, life is unbearable and short and people wanna be entertained. Meanwhile, you’re in able and short and people wanna be entertained. Meanwhile, you’re in the Heartland, with your wife and kid, working your day job but getting the Heartland, with your wife and kid, working your day job but getting ideas, which is what I love about you. You’ve got your cute little family, ideas, which is what I love about you. You’ve got your cute little family, your ten thousand things, your grocery lists, strollers, your torn-up floors, your ten thousand things, your grocery lists, strollers, your torn-up floors, but you’re sitting there thinking, “Maybe the French Revolution would but you’re sitting there thinking, “Maybe the French Revolution would be fun to put onstage, I’ll call it Mistakes Were Made, there’ll be a cast of be fun to put onstage, I’ll call it Mistakes Were Made, there’ll be a cast of fifty with a guillotine, a star drop, and a horse, it’ll be about freedom and fifty with a guillotine, a star drop, and a horse, it’ll be about freedom and responsibility, Thermidor and Fructidor, impossible to produce unless responsibility, Thermidor and Fructidor, impossible to produce unless handled very carefully, GREAT.” Meanwhile, movie stars, Steven, the handled very carefully, GREAT.” Meanwhile, movie stars, Steven, the snot-nosed, silk-diapered, emerald-green gods of our time, are sitting by snot-nosed, silk-diapered, emerald-green gods of our time, are sitting by pools in Beverly Hills thinking, “I have everything I’ve ever wanted, I pools in Beverly Hills thinking, “I have everything I’ve ever wanted, I have the love and adoration of billions, but I don’t know why I’m have the love and adoration of billions, but I don’t know why I’m ALIVE!” And me, Steven, little me, I’m sitting here in New York City, the ALIVE!” And me, Steven, little me, I’m sitting here in New York City, the hub of the Western World, with the razor-sharp bottom of this whole hub of the Western World, with the razor-sharp bottom of this whole pyramid resting on my eyeball, you know, I’ve got all these myriad vec- pyramid resting on my eyeball, you know, I’ve got all these myriad vec- tors, Steven, bearing down on my little watery eyeball, I’m sitting here tors, Steven, bearing down on my little watery eyeball, I’m sitting here seeing all these forces at work, and all I’m doing, kid, all I’m doing all day seeing all these forces at work, and all I’m doing, kid, all I’m doing all day long, is trying like hell with my two free hands to do whatever I can to long, is trying like hell with my two free hands to do whatever I can to draw all these disparate, tragic, lonely, lovely forces together because for draw all these disparate, tragic, lonely, lovely forces together because for me, Steven, poor sucker that I am, this is my curse, there’s no greater plea- me, Steven, poor sucker that I am, this is my curse, there’s no greater pleasure in life I can imagine than to make this play happen onstage! sure in life I can imagine than to make this play happen onstage!

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MISTAKES WERE MADE MISTAKES WERE MADE Craig Wright Craig Wright

Comic Comic Felix Artifex, forties to sixties Felix Artifex, forties to sixties

Felix is a wheeling-dealing Broadway producer. He specializes in re- Felix is a wheeling-dealing Broadway producer. He specializes in re- vivals of the classics featuring movie or television stars (such as Suzanna vivals of the classics featuring movie or television stars (such as Suzanna Somers in Medea and Tony Danza in The Master Builder). He is on Somers in Medea and Tony Danza in The Master Builder). He is on the phone with the playwright of a new play he is producing about the the phone with the playwright of a new play he is producing about the French Revolution and is explaining why he has to rewrite his play to French Revolution and is explaining why he has to rewrite his play to suit the demands of the television star he has engaged to play the lead. suit the demands of the television star he has engaged to play the lead.

FELIX: Steven, what I think will make Johnny happy — and I may embroi- FELIX: Steven, what I think will make Johnny happy — and I may embroi- der a little bit as I go — is maybe you start with this kid at the begin- der a little bit as I go — is maybe you start with this kid at the beginning, right, this new character of yours, in a new scene you’ll make great ning, right, this new character of yours, in a new scene you’ll make great where he maybe says good-bye to, uh — his little, uh, sister, you know, where he maybe says good-bye to, uh — his little, uh, sister, you know, as she’s dying? I just throw that out there. You know, maybe they’re at a, as she’s dying? I just throw that out there. You know, maybe they’re at a, uh, festival, you know, in the park, and guys are making speeches, you uh, festival, you know, in the park, and guys are making speeches, you know, like, uh, “This isn’t fair! That’s not right! Down with the King,” know, like, uh, “This isn’t fair! That’s not right! Down with the King,” you know, “Oui, oui, oui!” And as he’s listening, you know, kind of sus- you know, “Oui, oui, oui!” And as he’s listening, you know, kind of sus- picious of all these jokers, she wanders off with her little blue balloon, picious of all these jokers, she wanders off with her little blue balloon, and she falls and hits her head by a fountain, right? It’s an idea. And, uh, and she falls and hits her head by a fountain, right? It’s an idea. And, uh, lying there on the ground with the blood pooling behind her little, lying there on the ground with the blood pooling behind her little, cracked, wet, dripping head, she’s, like, you know, “Make sure the revo- cracked, wet, dripping head, she’s, like, you know, “Make sure the revolution happens, Philippe” or something like that — you’ll figure it out; lution happens, Philippe” or something like that — you’ll figure it out; far be it from me to write dialogue; you’re the artist; what’s important, far be it from me to write dialogue; you’re the artist; what’s important, though is, Steven, she had hope, right, and she died but now he’s fucked though is, Steven, she had hope, right, and she died but now he’s fucked up and stuck living, and we just set him on a course like that, right? up and stuck living, and we just set him on a course like that, right? From that moment there by the fountain, he’s haunted and his course is From that moment there by the fountain, he’s haunted and his course is set, and then we just stick with him, you know, at the edges of the first set, and then we just stick with him, you know, at the edges of the first few scenes as we go along, keeping everything else pretty much the same few scenes as we go along, keeping everything else pretty much the same except now he’s there, right, this brand-new being you have built into the except now he’s there, right, this brand-new being you have built into the system, this haunted French homo sapiens, taking it all in as things are system, this haunted French homo sapiens, taking it all in as things are getting revved up with the revolution, you know, like, “Ooh, wow, getting revved up with the revolution, you know, like, “Ooh, wow, what’s that? Where are those guys running with that cannon? Zut alors,” what’s that? Where are those guys running with that cannon? Zut alors,” you know? Maybe he’s got a baguette or something he’s always noshing you know? Maybe he’s got a baguette or something he’s always noshing

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on, that’s a funny detail, take it or leave it — anyway, the thing is, on, that’s a funny detail, take it or leave it — anyway, the thing is, Steven, is his poor dead daughter is always on his mind, Steven, always Steven, is his poor dead daughter is always on his mind, Steven, always on his mind, and maybe you even play that echo in his — I’m sorry, sis- on his mind, and maybe you even play that echo in his — I’m sorry, sister — right, his sister — that’s what I meant, but maybe you play that ter — right, his sister — that’s what I meant, but maybe you play that echo in his head, you know? “Make sure the revolution happens, echo in his head, you know? “Make sure the revolution happens, Philippe. Make sure the revolution happens.” — you know what I’m Philippe. Make sure the revolution happens.” — you know what I’m saying? It’s just an idea. And what happens is, in this model, is he grad- saying? It’s just an idea. And what happens is, in this model, is he gradually goes from being this street kid who’s, you know, just, Pierre’s ually goes from being this street kid who’s, you know, just, Pierre’s buddy, you know, being carried along by events — buddy, you know, being carried along by events — Robespierre’s buddy — whatever — carried along by events, to be, Robespierre’s buddy — whatever — carried along by events, to be, being, you know, by the time you get to the Tennis Court scene maybe, being, you know, by the time you get to the Tennis Court scene maybe, the starring role. Yeah. Maybe he’s the one who renames the months of the starring role. Yeah. Maybe he’s the one who renames the months of the year, ya know? That could be a fun twist. Maybe it’s a song? That the year, ya know? That could be a fun twist. Maybe it’s a song? That could be extremely cute, you know? could be extremely cute, you know? (Sung:) Thermidor, Fructidor, where’d we ever get these names? No, I (Sung:) Thermidor, Fructidor, where’d we ever get these names? No, I am not mentally ill, Steven; I am imaginative, hopeful, and driven. am not mentally ill, Steven; I am imaginative, hopeful, and driven.

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NEW JERUSALEM NEW JERUSALEM David Ives David Ives

Dramatic Dramatic Baruch Spinoza, twenty-four Baruch Spinoza, twenty-four

Spinoza, on trial for spreading ideas heretical to both Jew and Christ- Spinoza, on trial for spreading ideas heretical to both Jew and Christ- ian, here confides to a friend the details of his spiritual awakening. ian, here confides to a friend the details of his spiritual awakening.

SPINOZA: I didn’t stop. Life stopped me. You see, when my father died, it SPINOZA: I didn’t stop. Life stopped me. You see, when my father died, it suddenly seemed to me as if all the things I wanted in the world were ut- suddenly seemed to me as if all the things I wanted in the world were utterly meaningless. Empty. Futile. I couldn’t see the point of stepping out terly meaningless. Empty. Futile. I couldn’t see the point of stepping out the door each day, much less becoming a rabbi. Then the business got the door each day, much less becoming a rabbi. Then the business got into trouble. A cargo of dates fell to the English. Pirates took another into trouble. A cargo of dates fell to the English. Pirates took another ship. I couldn’t pay my father’s debts. I began to think that God had ship. I couldn’t pay my father’s debts. I began to think that God had abandoned me. Then one day sitting in the garden at the Spinning abandoned me. Then one day sitting in the garden at the Spinning Wheel, I saw that all these concerns of mine were actually neither good Wheel, I saw that all these concerns of mine were actually neither good nor bad. My problem wasn’t death or pirates or falling prices. The prob- nor bad. My problem wasn’t death or pirates or falling prices. The problem was letting myself be affected by these things. So I decided to find lem was letting myself be affected by these things. So I decided to find out whether there was anything that was actually good. Ultimately good. out whether there was anything that was actually good. Ultimately good. A good that would erase the distinction between good and bad. Some- A good that would erase the distinction between good and bad. Some- thing that, once I found it, would provide continuous, supreme, and thing that, once I found it, would provide continuous, supreme, and everlasting happiness. It seemed to me upon reflection that there are everlasting happiness. It seemed to me upon reflection that there are three things men tend to pursue in this life: riches, honor, and pleasure. three things men tend to pursue in this life: riches, honor, and pleasure. Riches are more precarious than being a Jew in Amsterdam. A shipload Riches are more precarious than being a Jew in Amsterdam. A shipload of sugar sinks off of Brazil and you’re ruined. Honor depends on the of sugar sinks off of Brazil and you’re ruined. Honor depends on the opinions of other men. There are men in this world who’d honor you for opinions of other men. There are men in this world who’d honor you for cutting other men’s throats in a marketplace. Why should I be a slave to cutting other men’s throats in a marketplace. Why should I be a slave to those men’s values? Sensual pleasure isn’t continuous and everlasting those men’s values? Sensual pleasure isn’t continuous and everlasting happiness. It’s an endless search for more pleasure, or greater pleasure. So happiness. It’s an endless search for more pleasure, or greater pleasure. So I was left with nothing except my father’s debts. I realized that God hadn’t I was left with nothing except my father’s debts. I realized that God hadn’t abandoned me. I realized that I had abandoned God. I realized that true abandoned me. I realized that I had abandoned God. I realized that true happiness can only come from the mind’s attempt to comprehend God. happiness can only come from the mind’s attempt to comprehend God. I realized that life is only meaningful insofar as it is part of God. I realized that life is only meaningful insofar as it is part of God.

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NEXT FALL NEXT FALL Geoffrey Nauffts Geoffrey Nauffts

Dramatic Dramatic Adam, forty-five Adam, forty-five

Adam’s boyfriend Luke is in a coma due to a car accident. Luke, much Adam’s boyfriend Luke is in a coma due to a car accident. Luke, much younger than Adam, is a born-again Christian, which has caused fric- younger than Adam, is a born-again Christian, which has caused fric- tion between the two men, as Adam is a determined atheist. Here, tion between the two men, as Adam is a determined atheist. Here, Adam is talking to Brandon, a friend of Luke’s who does not accept his Adam is talking to Brandon, a friend of Luke’s who does not accept his relationship with Adam. relationship with Adam.

ADAM: Actually, there is something else . . . Do you have a second? God, this ADAM: Actually, there is something else . . . Do you have a second? God, this is awkward . . . Is it OK if I just sort of dive in here? OK . . . So, Luke is awkward . . . Is it OK if I just sort of dive in here? OK . . . So, Luke and I have been together a little over four years now — who would have and I have been together a little over four years now — who would have thunk it, right? And things are great, all things considered. More than thunk it, right? And things are great, all things considered. More than great, really, I mean, we’ve got our issues, but who doesn’t? I mean, he’s great, really, I mean, we’ve got our issues, but who doesn’t? I mean, he’s still not out to his parents, which is just boring at this point, but frankly, still not out to his parents, which is just boring at this point, but frankly, they don’t seem like the kind of folks I really want to spend a holiday they don’t seem like the kind of folks I really want to spend a holiday with, so . . . Plus, he’s out everywhere else in life, so it’s mostly normal. with, so . . . Plus, he’s out everywhere else in life, so it’s mostly normal. It’s a negotiation, like any relationship. He lets me watch CNN 24/7, I It’s a negotiation, like any relationship. He lets me watch CNN 24/7, I let him watch that show where people hop across the big, rubber b alls let him watch that show where people hop across the big, rubber b alls and fall into the mud. He puts up with my tirades about the health care and fall into the mud. He puts up with my tirades about the health care reform, I put up with his Martha Stewart magazines. He drops a fan on reform, I put up with his Martha Stewart magazines. He drops a fan on my face in the middle of the night. . . . We make compromises, that’s all my face in the middle of the night. . . . We make compromises, that’s all I’m saying. He’s not even that extreme as far as all the Jesus stuff goes. I’m saying. He’s not even that extreme as far as all the Jesus stuff goes. He’s pro-choice, he believes in stem cell research. I think he may even He’s pro-choice, he believes in stem cell research. I think he may even vote for a Democrat in the next election. Oh, and we’re talking about vote for a Democrat in the next election. Oh, and we’re talking about having a baby now, too. Well, I’m talking, but he’s nodding his head a having a baby now, too. Well, I’m talking, but he’s nodding his head a lot. So, it’s mostly good. It’s just the praying after sex. (A beat.) That’s the lot. So, it’s mostly good. It’s just the praying after sex. (A beat.) That’s the one little quirk I’m still having a hard time with. (Another beat.) I know one little quirk I’m still having a hard time with. (Another beat.) I know we’ve never talked about this kind of thing before, you and I. I mean, I we’ve never talked about this kind of thing before, you and I. I mean, I don’t even know if you’re openly gay . . . Or unopenly gay, even. I as- don’t even know if you’re openly gay . . . Or unopenly gay, even. I assume you’re gay . . . Or gayish. Gay friendly, at least. So, if you are . . . sume you’re gay . . . Or gayish. Gay friendly, at least. So, if you are . . . and you do . . . I mean, is that something you do, too? Pray after sex? (A and you do . . . I mean, is that something you do, too? Pray after sex? (A beat.) You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. It’s just something that’s really beat.) You don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. It’s just something that’s really been bugging me lately. I mean, it’s not like I see it or anything. It’s not been bugging me lately. I mean, it’s not like I see it or anything. It’s not

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like he’s kneeling at the side of the bed flogging himself with a leather like he’s kneeling at the side of the bed flogging himself with a leather switch. I wish, right? No, it’s more like he feels dirty and silently asks for switch. I wish, right? No, it’s more like he feels dirty and silently asks for forgiveness. (A beat.) And it’s not like it’s all the time either. In fact, he forgiveness. (A beat.) And it’s not like it’s all the time either. In fact, he hardly ever does it. But still, even once in a while, it’s weird, you know? hardly ever does it. But still, even once in a while, it’s weird, you know? Because of the whole . . . It’s like, really? That’s what you have to do? I Because of the whole . . . It’s like, really? That’s what you have to do? I mean, all the other stuff I can sort of deal with. But the praying after sex? mean, all the other stuff I can sort of deal with. But the praying after sex? It just sort of makes everything feel a little tainted somehow. I mean, It just sort of makes everything feel a little tainted somehow. I mean, how am I ever gonna feel loved for real with, you know, all that in the how am I ever gonna feel loved for real with, you know, all that in the way? (Another beat.) OK, I’ll stop . . . You talk . . . If you want to. I know way? (Another beat.) OK, I’ll stop . . . You talk . . . If you want to. I know I’m sort of dumping this all out there, so . . . But, please. If you have any I’m sort of dumping this all out there, so . . . But, please. If you have any . . . pearls . . . I’d be glad for anything. . . . pearls . . . I’d be glad for anything.

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9 CIRCLES 9 CIRCLES Bill Cain Bill Cain

Dramatic Dramatic Reeves, early twenties Reeves, early twenties

Reeves is a young soldier in Iraq speaking with a woman army psychi- Reeves is a young soldier in Iraq speaking with a woman army psychiatrist. He has a problem: He wants to kill everyone. The psychiatrist has atrist. He has a problem: He wants to kill everyone. The psychiatrist has a problem treating him. If he tells her his problem, she has to send him a problem treating him. If he tells her his problem, she has to send him back to the States, and he desperately wants to stay with his unit in back to the States, and he desperately wants to stay with his unit in Iraq. He is demanding her sympathy for a problem he cannot name. Iraq. He is demanding her sympathy for a problem he cannot name.

REEVES: If I had a bullet in my head and I were lying here, you’d feel bad REEVES: If I had a bullet in my head and I were lying here, you’d feel bad for me. for me. (Silence.) (Silence.) If I were laying here on your floor bleeding from the head, how long If I were laying here on your floor bleeding from the head, how long would you feel bad for me? would you feel bad for me? (No response.) (No response.) Because — out there — they put a bullet in me — they’d celebrate Because — out there — they put a bullet in me — they’d celebrate for a month. A year. Fuck. Forever. They kill me, they get to go to God, for a month. A year. Fuck. Forever. They kill me, they get to go to God, directly to God, do not stop at any checkpoints. When those construc- directly to God, do not stop at any checkpoints. When those construc- tion workers got killed — they hung their body parts from the bridge tion workers got killed — they hung their body parts from the bridge and they danced their asses off for days. Now you want to talk about and they danced their asses off for days. Now you want to talk about sympathy — I’ve got all kinds of sympathy for that because that is ex- sympathy — I’ve got all kinds of sympathy for that because that is exactly how I feel about them. We want each other dead. Now you — actly how I feel about them. We want each other dead. Now you — you’ve got all the sympathy in the world for a dying sergeant — fuck — you’ve got all the sympathy in the world for a dying sergeant — fuck — ANY BODY CAN FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THE GOOD GUY. He ANY BODY CAN FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THE GOOD GUY. He doesn’t need your sympathy. He’s got a wife and a kid for that. But that doesn’t need your sympathy. He’s got a wife and a kid for that. But that guy who shot him — I want to fucking kill him over and over. That’s guy who shot him — I want to fucking kill him over and over. That’s what goes on in my head and you’ve got no sympathy for that. “Don’t what goes on in my head and you’ve got no sympathy for that. “Don’t tell me that. You’re on your own with that,” and you know what that tell me that. You’re on your own with that,” and you know what that means? You’ve got no sympathy for the one thing that needs it here and means? You’ve got no sympathy for the one thing that needs it here and I don’t want to make him an excuse. I don’t want to make him an excuse. I think I’ve always wanted to kill everybody. Him dying just makes I think I’ve always wanted to kill everybody. Him dying just makes me think I’m finally going to do it. me think I’m finally going to do it.

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THE OPTIMIST THE OPTIMIST Jason Chimonides Jason Chimonides More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Declan, twenty-five Declan, twenty-five

Declan, a pedantic and puerile graduate student, holds forth on the Declan, a pedantic and puerile graduate student, holds forth on the dangers of idealism. Here, he is ranting to his twin brother, Noel, that dangers of idealism. Here, he is ranting to his twin brother, Noel, that he doesn’t care about anything except getting laid. he doesn’t care about anything except getting laid.

DECLAN: Answer me this first . . . I entreat ye! OK, sure, I can anatomize the DECLAN: Answer me this first . . . I entreat ye! OK, sure, I can anatomize the philosophy of Schopenhauer, I can spew nineteenth-century critical philosophy of Schopenhauer, I can spew nineteenth-century critical bullhockey, I can enunciate arcanna with the best of ’em, but who gives bullhockey, I can enunciate arcanna with the best of ’em, but who gives a shit ultimately, because all I really wanna do is get laid ! (Beat.) I see a a shit ultimately, because all I really wanna do is get laid ! (Beat.) I see a juicy ass and I just wanna poke a straw in it and slurp away. Why am I juicy ass and I just wanna poke a straw in it and slurp away. Why am I like that? Why am I such a brute, huh?! Why are we all? (A beat.) . . . like that? Why am I such a brute, huh?! Why are we all? (A beat.) . . . I’ve had an epiphany! It happened today on Hambone’s boat. We I’ve had an epiphany! It happened today on Hambone’s boat. We were frolicking in the brine, Noel, I was really quite a lot of fun, you were frolicking in the brine, Noel, I was really quite a lot of fun, you missed out . . . anyway . . . see, see, what became clear to me today as I missed out . . . anyway . . . see, see, what became clear to me today as I thought on’t . . . no, not just clear, but rather limpid and crystalline, is thought on’t . . . no, not just clear, but rather limpid and crystalline, is that the worst atrocities ever perpetrated upon humankind, you name it, that the worst atrocities ever perpetrated upon humankind, you name it, the great evils, right? . . . genocide, subjugation, whatever . . . circumci- the great evils, right? . . . genocide, subjugation, whatever . . . circumci- sion, these have all categorically been hatched, not by devils . . . but by sion, these have all categorically been hatched, not by devils . . . but by dreamers (Slight beat.) Beware of them, I say! Be-ware of anyone who tells dreamers (Slight beat.) Beware of them, I say! Be-ware of anyone who tells you that they “believe” in anything or worse, who makes ringing decla- you that they “believe” in anything or worse, who makes ringing decla- rations attributed to the first person plural! “We”? “Our”? “Us”? rations attributed to the first person plural! “We”? “Our”? “Us”? DAN-ger. (Slight beat.) Because whether they’re an assistant manager at DAN-ger. (Slight beat.) Because whether they’re an assistant manager at Taco Bell or leader of the free world, they have the ability to inflict un- Taco Bell or leader of the free world, they have the ability to inflict un- yielding pain to everyone around them. Look at history: Look at the yielding pain to everyone around them. Look at history: Look at the monsters, the butchers, the anti-Christs, these people had something monsters, the butchers, the anti-Christs, these people had something very simple in common . . . they were a lot like the Little Mermaid. very simple in common . . . they were a lot like the Little Mermaid. (Slight beat.) Or Peter Pan. Or Quasimodo. They all had dreams . . . (Slight beat.) Or Peter Pan. Or Quasimodo. They all had dreams . . . weird-ass, untenable, ABSURD DREAMS! (Slight beat.) The “Aryan weird-ass, untenable, ABSURD DREAMS! (Slight beat.) The “Aryan race”?! “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his race”?! “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs”?! Democracy! C’mon! The world doesn’t work like that! needs”?! Democracy! C’mon! The world doesn’t work like that!

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OUR HOUSE OUR HOUSE Theresa Rebeck Theresa Rebeck

Seriocomic Seriocomic Wes, thirties to forties Wes, thirties to forties

Wes is the high-powered head of programming for a major television Wes is the high-powered head of programming for a major television network. Here, he tells his board of directors that if he had his way, the network. Here, he tells his board of directors that if he had his way, the network wouldn’t be broadcasting any news at all, which they are re- network wouldn’t be broadcasting any news at all, which they are required to do under the terms of their FCC license. quired to do under the terms of their FCC license.

WES: The fact is — I am told — the reality is — that we are required by the WES: The fact is — I am told — the reality is — that we are required by the FCC to broadcast a certain number of hours of news, to the public, in FCC to broadcast a certain number of hours of news, to the public, in exchange for the right to use the airwaves. Now. Clearly, I didn’t make exchange for the right to use the airwaves. Now. Clearly, I didn’t make the rule up! the rule up! No one checked in with me, when they invented America. And do No one checked in with me, when they invented America. And do I object to this rule, this so-called law of the land? I do. Why? Because I object to this rule, this so-called law of the land? I do. Why? Because staying informed, in America, is optional. No one forces anyone to read staying informed, in America, is optional. No one forces anyone to read the newspaper! And they are consequently, blessedly, being permitted to the newspaper! And they are consequently, blessedly, being permitted to fold, to go the way of the buggy whip and the penny whistle. It’s not re- fold, to go the way of the buggy whip and the penny whistle. It’s not required to watch the evening news! Americans are free. Airwaves are free. quired to watch the evening news! Americans are free. Airwaves are free. How do those two fundamental truths add up to a requirement to How do those two fundamental truths add up to a requirement to broadcast the news? I ask, and ask, and ask. And no one answers. broadcast the news? I ask, and ask, and ask. And no one answers. (A beat.) There is a fundamental mistake here. Television, in its in- (A beat.) There is a fundamental mistake here. Television, in its in- ception, seemed to present itself as a tool for humanity’s further devel- ception, seemed to present itself as a tool for humanity’s further development, offering profound opportunities for communication, opment, offering profound opportunities for communication, education, entertainment. But as time passed, and we became aware of education, entertainment. But as time passed, and we became aware of its true nature, the tragic misunderstandings which surrounded these as- its true nature, the tragic misunderstandings which surrounded these as- sumptions revealed themselves. Television is not our subject; it is not our sumptions revealed themselves. Television is not our subject; it is not our creation! We are not looking at it! It is looking at us! And if we are real creation! We are not looking at it! It is looking at us! And if we are real — I mean, if we are real — then television is what makes us real. Be- — I mean, if we are real — then television is what makes us real. Be- cause it’s hyper-real. And hyper-reality is not free. It’s really expensive to cause it’s hyper-real. And hyper-reality is not free. It’s really expensive to run a network! And you know what is NOT an option, in America? run a network! And you know what is NOT an option, in America? Profitability. When the FCC and its misunderstandings and misconcep- Profitability. When the FCC and its misunderstandings and misconcep- tions about what television is get in the way of our profits, I say: we tions about what television is get in the way of our profits, I say: we stand up. And demand our rights. So. We’re cutting seven hundred jobs stand up. And demand our rights. So. We’re cutting seven hundred jobs out of the news division. There will still be news! But it will be news on out of the news division. There will still be news! But it will be news on our terms. Airwaves are free. Americans are free. The news is not free. our terms. Airwaves are free. Americans are free. The news is not free.

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OUR HOUSE OUR HOUSE Theresa Rebeck Theresa Rebeck

Dramatic Dramatic Merv, twenties to thirties Merv, twenties to thirties

Merv lives in a communal house with three other people. He has become Merv lives in a communal house with three other people. He has become obsessed with television and has gone crazy, shooting and killing one obsessed with television and has gone crazy, shooting and killing one housemate and holding the others hostage. He demands to meet Jen- housemate and holding the others hostage. He demands to meet Jen- nifer, the local news network anchorwoman, whom he idolizes. Here, nifer, the local news network anchorwoman, whom he idolizes. Here, he is ranting to her about why he has done what he has done. he is ranting to her about why he has done what he has done.

MERV: How it came about? I don’t know. She wanted to turn off my TV. MERV: How it came about? I don’t know. She wanted to turn off my TV. Do you think that television makes people stupid, Jennifer? Alice Do you think that television makes people stupid, Jennifer? Alice here keeps insisting that it does and she is sincerely annoying, but I’m here keeps insisting that it does and she is sincerely annoying, but I’m starting to think she has a point. Because I think watching television — starting to think she has a point. Because I think watching television — and I watch a lot, I sit around and watch it like all the time, and I’m not and I watch a lot, I sit around and watch it like all the time, and I’m not like a brainiac or anything but I am not a stupid person but I’ll tell you, like a brainiac or anything but I am not a stupid person but I’ll tell you, Jennifer — you think about things like Moby Dick, that used to be like, Jennifer — you think about things like Moby Dick, that used to be like, popular entertainment — not popular, I think Moby Dick was actually popular entertainment — not popular, I think Moby Dick was actually a flop but that’s you know, normal people, you and me, used to hang out a flop but that’s you know, normal people, you and me, used to hang out reading interesting books and having conversation, just hanging out reading interesting books and having conversation, just hanging out with someone like Benjamin Franklin and shooting the shit, that’s what with someone like Benjamin Franklin and shooting the shit, that’s what they did to relax. . . . they did to relax. . . . My parents were really nice people this isn’t their fault, although I had My parents were really nice people this isn’t their fault, although I had this older sister, don’t get me started. But that’s not, psychology isn’t news, this older sister, don’t get me started. But that’s not, psychology isn’t news, Jennifer! Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I think that frankly, tele- Jennifer! Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I think that frankly, television doesn’t just make us stupid, it also makes us depressed. All those vision doesn’t just make us stupid, it also makes us depressed. All those bright colors! And everyone looks so pretty and and real. Real, how does bright colors! And everyone looks so pretty and and real. Real, how does television do that, make people look hyper-real. It makes you just want to television do that, make people look hyper-real. It makes you just want to climb in there. But then the shows are all so depressing and moronic, you climb in there. But then the shows are all so depressing and moronic, you end up — if that is reality? Why not just blow our brains out . . . end up — if that is reality? Why not just blow our brains out . . . And once that thought occurs to you, that you could kill yourself, And once that thought occurs to you, that you could kill yourself, theoretically, you could kill other people, there’s a lot of killing going on theoretically, you could kill other people, there’s a lot of killing going on out there, you could get in on it, and then you go into a gun store, you out there, you could get in on it, and then you go into a gun store, you can buy guns at Walmarts, if you really want to know, Jennifer, they can buy guns at Walmarts, if you really want to know, Jennifer, they don’t cost anything! . . . don’t cost anything! . . .

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They cost less than a PlayStation 3! They cost less than . . . killing They cost less than a PlayStation 3! They cost less than . . . killing people, killing yourself, killing a whole bunch of people, costs nothing people, killing yourself, killing a whole bunch of people, costs nothing at all in America. Why don’t you put that on television? As long as all at all in America. Why don’t you put that on television? As long as all you care about is money, why don’t you talk about how cheap it is to kill you care about is money, why don’t you talk about how cheap it is to kill people? . . . people? . . . But you don’t, you don’t put anything, and I understand, it’s a drag, But you don’t, you don’t put anything, and I understand, it’s a drag, to talk about death, on the other hand here you are and it’s not because to talk about death, on the other hand here you are and it’s not because you love St. Louis — it’s because death sells. Those guys in Mumbai, you love St. Louis — it’s because death sells. Those guys in Mumbai, that’s how you pronounce it, they didn’t care about getting the word out that’s how you pronounce it, they didn’t care about getting the word out about Kashmir! They just wanted to be on television. Because that’s the about Kashmir! They just wanted to be on television. Because that’s the equation. Violence equals TV Time. You don’t even have to have a rea- equation. Violence equals TV Time. You don’t even have to have a reason anymore! son anymore!

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PARASITE DRAG PARASITE DRAG Mark Roberts Mark Roberts More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Ronnie, twenties Ronnie, twenties

Parasite Drag is about a midwestern family that has come together be- Parasite Drag is about a midwestern family that has come together because one of the adult children is dying of AIDS. Ronnie talks about the cause one of the adult children is dying of AIDS. Ronnie talks about the last time he saw her. last time he saw her.

ROBBIE: I haven’t seen her since she got out of that rehab in Chicago, I think ROBBIE: I haven’t seen her since she got out of that rehab in Chicago, I think was the last time. She got out on a Monday and was back on that shit was the last time. She got out on a Monday and was back on that shit by Wednesday night. She had hooked up with some dirtbag on the by Wednesday night. She had hooked up with some dirtbag on the south side. I drove into the projects to pick her up. Man, she was a mess. south side. I drove into the projects to pick her up. Man, she was a mess. Filthy dirty. Arms all bruised up. I wanted to get out of there, so I told Filthy dirty. Arms all bruised up. I wanted to get out of there, so I told her to grab her stuff. She picked up a greasy paper bag. It had a shirt and her to grab her stuff. She picked up a greasy paper bag. It had a shirt and a couple of odds and ends. And that was it. That was all she had in the a couple of odds and ends. And that was it. That was all she had in the world. Took her out to eat. Watched her smoke about a hundred and world. Took her out to eat. Watched her smoke about a hundred and twenty Salems and then drove her back to rehab. I remember when I twenty Salems and then drove her back to rehab. I remember when I dropped her off I told her to take care of herself. And she looked at me dropped her off I told her to take care of herself. And she looked at me for the longest time. With this puzzled look on her face. Like she had no for the longest time. With this puzzled look on her face. Like she had no idea what I was talking about. idea what I was talking about. Drying up and blowing away. Drying up and blowing away.

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PARASITE DRAG PARASITE DRAG Mark Roberts Mark Roberts

Dramatic Dramatic Ronnie, twenties Ronnie, twenties

Parasite Drag is about a midwestern family that has come together be- Parasite Drag is about a midwestern family that has come together because one of the adult children is dying of AIDS. Ronnie is the repro- cause one of the adult children is dying of AIDS. Ronnie is the repro- bate. Gene is studying for the ministry. Here, Ronnie talks about Gene. bate. Gene is studying for the ministry. Here, Ronnie talks about Gene.

RONNIE: I wish you would have known Gene as a kid. He was a whole dif- RONNIE: I wish you would have known Gene as a kid. He was a whole different person. Little entertainer he was. Used to always walk around ferent person. Little entertainer he was. Used to always walk around wearing a hat, or a big coat, or some getup. He’d memorize whole rou- wearing a hat, or a big coat, or some getup. He’d memorize whole rou- tines from The Jackie Gleason Show or some shit, and then he’d act ’em tines from The Jackie Gleason Show or some shit, and then he’d act ’em out whenever we had company. And he was good, too. He’d do all the out whenever we had company. And he was good, too. He’d do all the voices. Real comical. Little ham. There’s home movies of it somewhere. voices. Real comical. Little ham. There’s home movies of it somewhere. He was a funny kid. Then after our mom died, he changed. I mean, we He was a funny kid. Then after our mom died, he changed. I mean, we all changed, but Gene was the most drastic. He became an old man. I all changed, but Gene was the most drastic. He became an old man. I remember we had this dog, Lightning. German shepherd. He used to remember we had this dog, Lightning. German shepherd. He used to chase every car that drove past the house. Get right up on it. Right next chase every car that drove past the house. Get right up on it. Right next to the tires, at full speed. Dumb fucking dog. Well, one day a Charles to the tires, at full speed. Dumb fucking dog. Well, one day a Charles Chips truck drives past the house . . . Did you ever have those? Potato Chips truck drives past the house . . . Did you ever have those? Potato chips, came in big metal containers? I loved them things. Barbecue. Any- chips, came in big metal containers? I loved them things. Barbecue. Any- way, old Lightning gets sucked under the tires of that thing and it way, old Lightning gets sucked under the tires of that thing and it squashes the shit out of him. Middle of the street. Eyes hanging out. squashes the shit out of him. Middle of the street. Eyes hanging out. Guts coming out its ass. Brutal. Gene comes running over, crying. He Guts coming out its ass. Brutal. Gene comes running over, crying. He was . . . I don’t know, thirteen, maybe. Bawling his eyes out, and scream- was . . . I don’t know, thirteen, maybe. Bawling his eyes out, and screaming to God to save this dog. Laying his hands on him trying to heal him. ing to God to save this dog. Laying his hands on him trying to heal him. And that poor animal was gone. He was gasping out a few bloody And that poor animal was gone. He was gasping out a few bloody breaths, but it was over for Lightning. And I tried to scoop him up and breaths, but it was over for Lightning. And I tried to scoop him up and carry him to the yard, but Gene wouldn’t let me near him. Kept scream- carry him to the yard, but Gene wouldn’t let me near him. Kept screaming that God was gonna save him. God was gonna heal him. And the ing that God was gonna save him. God was gonna heal him. And the dog was suffering. Driving him to the vet would have been futile. So, I dog was suffering. Driving him to the vet would have been futile. So, I grabbed the snow shovel out of the garage, kicked Gene away from him grabbed the snow shovel out of the garage, kicked Gene away from him and put him out of his misery. and put him out of his misery.

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PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY Craig Lucas Craig Lucas More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Billy, twenties Billy, twenties

Billy is a young man who has gone to serve in Iraq to escape his abusive Billy is a young man who has gone to serve in Iraq to escape his abusive father. Here, he finally stands up to the old man. father. Here, he finally stands up to the old man.

BILLY: For my whole life I tried to do nothing. Like you just said. Stay still. BILLY: For my whole life I tried to do nothing. Like you just said. Stay still. Be invisible. Do less harm. The invisible man you gave me with all the Be invisible. Do less harm. The invisible man you gave me with all the organs — that was me. That why you gave it to me? You know what they organs — that was me. That why you gave it to me? You know what they called us at school, me and Marianne? The No Ones. I had no skin. I called us at school, me and Marianne? The No Ones. I had no skin. I had no anything. Just all the bad that God could see inside. I’m like that had no anything. Just all the bad that God could see inside. I’m like that now, like you, I can see into everything. Mom said you couldn’t, but you now, like you, I can see into everything. Mom said you couldn’t, but you could. When Taddy and I were fooling around, you knew it. That’s when could. When Taddy and I were fooling around, you knew it. That’s when you started calling me all those names. And now . . . I can see through you started calling me all those names. And now . . . I can see through everyone; I can see through your shit too. Civility. I’m the civil one. I’m everyone; I can see through your shit too. Civility. I’m the civil one. I’m the contemplative one. When was I less than civil? Who are you talking the contemplative one. When was I less than civil? Who are you talking to? It can’t be me. The only person you ever were interested in talking to to? It can’t be me. The only person you ever were interested in talking to is you. Charity? To aid the needy and suffering? Sacrifice? I’m at war! I’m is you. Charity? To aid the needy and suffering? Sacrifice? I’m at war! I’m offering my life. For you! I was always offering it with you around. What offering my life. For you! I was always offering it with you around. What good is charity and cleaning up rooms when a whole species wants to kill good is charity and cleaning up rooms when a whole species wants to kill itself? We’re both bad, you and me, we’re both killers now. I always itself? We’re both bad, you and me, we’re both killers now. I always wanted you to give me a legacy. That’s your legacy: murder. Soul death. wanted you to give me a legacy. That’s your legacy: murder. Soul death. Give life to some little babies — little boy, little girl — so you can take Give life to some little babies — little boy, little girl — so you can take your time killing it then tell yourself all is forgiven as you turn your back your time killing it then tell yourself all is forgiven as you turn your back on the carnage. Take one more look and take that with you into the next on the carnage. Take one more look and take that with you into the next life, that’ll be my gift to you. Dad. life, that’ll be my gift to you. Dad.

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PUSSY BOY PUSSY BOY Christine Evans Christine Evans More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Bill, forty Bill, forty

Bill is a working-class single father whose son, Algy, has run away after Bill is a working-class single father whose son, Algy, has run away after a beating. He’s a carpenter of sorts; here he imagines impressing the local a beating. He’s a carpenter of sorts; here he imagines impressing the local police, who have just evicted his dog-hoarding tenant. But his mind re- police, who have just evicted his dog-hoarding tenant. But his mind re- turns to the loss of his wife, who left him before Algy did. turns to the loss of his wife, who left him before Algy did.

BILL: I would have thrown her out weeks ago, Officer. BILL: I would have thrown her out weeks ago, Officer. If it wasn’t for my better nature. If it wasn’t for my better nature. Goes against the grain. Goes against the grain. Woman out on the streets. Woman out on the streets. Smelling like that. Smelling like that. Hard to talk to a woman who smells like a fish. Hard to talk to a woman who smells like a fish.

You must see it all the time. Sir. You must see it all the time. Sir. Have to fumigate the place now. Have to fumigate the place now. Stink of dogs. Bad smells. Stink of dogs. Bad smells.

Women shouldn’t smell. Women shouldn’t smell. There’s — what have you — There’s — what have you — there’s a whole industry there — there’s a whole industry there — Just to make them smell good. Just to make them smell good.

Mmmm. Yeah. Mmmm. Yeah. Eau de Femme. Mmmm. Eau de Femme. Mmmm. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Funny how it sticks. Funny how it sticks. Long after the body’s gone. Long after the body’s gone. Just as well. Just as well. Just the smell. Just the smell. You smell so good. You smell so good.

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(Beat.) (Beat.) Where are you, honey? Is he good to you? Where are you, honey? Is he good to you? — Nights like this, I can almost see you. — Nights like this, I can almost see you. Almost feel you. Almost feel you. Hard to see in the dark. Hard to see in the dark.

Can’t see your face any more. Can’t see your face any more. Except when I look at the kid. Except when I look at the kid. That’s messed up, don’t you think? That’s messed up, don’t you think? Those long, long eyelashes Those long, long eyelashes Wasted on a boy. Wasted on a boy. But what can I do But what can I do When you’re so damn gone. When you’re so damn gone.

I can still taste you. I can still taste you. You only open up in the dark. You only open up in the dark. My moonflower, sweet and white. My moonflower, sweet and white. Them long long legs sliding up my shoulders. Them long long legs sliding up my shoulders. Mmmm. Mmmm. Close my eyes in the dark and . . . Close my eyes in the dark and . . . Oh yes. (Beat.) Oh yes. (Beat.) You sweet-faced lying bitch. You sweet-faced lying bitch.

Shoulda kept my eyes open with you. Shoulda kept my eyes open with you. Look to see what you was looking at over my shoulder. Look to see what you was looking at over my shoulder. (Beat.) (Beat.) Boy’s got your eyes. Boy’s got your eyes. Your skin Your skin Sometimes I swear he’s got your smell. Sometimes I swear he’s got your smell.

The smell of lies. The smell of lies. Done all I can to train it outta him. Done all I can to train it outta him. He’s a good boy but he needs a lot of work. He’s a good boy but he needs a lot of work. A lot of fucken work to turn out right. A lot of fucken work to turn out right. Not like his mama, sneaking off in the dark. Not like his mama, sneaking off in the dark.

And don’t — And don’t — Fucking Fucking Come Come Back. Back. MONOLOGUES 61 MONOLOGUES 61 2010mensM&S i-vi,1-178.1.qxd:2009mensmonoscenes.qxd 7/8/10 11:04 AM Page 62 2010mensM&S i-vi,1-178.1.qxd:2009mensmonoscenes.qxd 7/8/10 11:04 AM Page 62

PUSSY BOY PUSSY BOY Christine Evans Christine Evans

Dramatic Dramatic Algy, eleven Algy, eleven

Algy is a dreamy young boy who has run away from his violent father, Algy is a dreamy young boy who has run away from his violent father, Bill. He has taken shelter with the Dog Lady, who hoards dogs and Bill. He has taken shelter with the Dog Lady, who hoards dogs and takes Algy in as a pet. Here, Algy justifies his dad’s actions to the Dog takes Algy in as a pet. Here, Algy justifies his dad’s actions to the Dog Lady, who only intermittently listens. What begins as a straightforward Lady, who only intermittently listens. What begins as a straightforward explanation moves toward Algy’s own need to untangle for himself the explanation moves toward Algy’s own need to untangle for himself the complex knot of love and abuse that ties him to his father — and to complex knot of love and abuse that ties him to his father — and to work out what to do next. work out what to do next.

ALGY: He just wants me to be strong like him. It’s training. It’s for my own ALGY: He just wants me to be strong like him. It’s training. It’s for my own good. He doesn’t want me to get soft. (Beat.) It’s not so bad. I can sleep good. He doesn’t want me to get soft. (Beat.) It’s not so bad. I can sleep on my stomach after. I count to a hundred when he does it, it stops hurt- on my stomach after. I count to a hundred when he does it, it stops hurting after about thirty. That’s a good trick I learned. It’s best not to hold ing after about thirty. That’s a good trick I learned. It’s best not to hold your breath. You can breathe out when the belt comes down, and if you your breath. You can breathe out when the belt comes down, and if you breathe really fast you can sometimes get dizzy and faint, and he stops breathe really fast you can sometimes get dizzy and faint, and he stops then. Once I fainted when I was up to forty, he was really worried about then. Once I fainted when I was up to forty, he was really worried about me. Are you all right Son, he said and he put his arms all round me, Jesus me. Are you all right Son, he said and he put his arms all round me, Jesus Son, wake up, come on Son, I’m just trying to help you, please please Son, wake up, come on Son, I’m just trying to help you, please please Jesus. . . . I held my breath and everything was perfect, so perfect like on Jesus. . . . I held my breath and everything was perfect, so perfect like on a seesaw and you balance exactly, your feet are off the ground and you feel a seesaw and you balance exactly, your feet are off the ground and you feel like you never ever have to come down. But it always tips and you get like you never ever have to come down. But it always tips and you get heavy again. And you wish and wish you could stay in the air with the heavy again. And you wish and wish you could stay in the air with the sky under your legs and everything . . . but the more you wish the heav- sky under your legs and everything . . . but the more you wish the heav- ier you get — I think if I was a unicorn I could balance there forever. ier you get — I think if I was a unicorn I could balance there forever.

I wouldn’t wish ’cause that makes you heavy. I wouldn’t wish ’cause that makes you heavy. I would be white as amnesia I would be white as amnesia and when people saw me I would just look at them, and when people saw me I would just look at them, not angry or happy but just . . . looking . . . not angry or happy but just . . . looking . . . And they would slow down — And they would slow down — like they were walking through water — like they were walking through water —

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— And they’d feel all sweet inside and when they blinked I’d — And they’d feel all sweet inside and when they blinked I’d disappear. disappear. That’s what unicorns do. They disappear. That’s what unicorns do. They disappear.

And they wouldn’t remember me but they would keep that sweet And they wouldn’t remember me but they would keep that sweet feeling inside them. (Beat.) He put his arms around me you know. I can feeling inside them. (Beat.) He put his arms around me you know. I can still feel his arms all round me like water. He’s really strong. I can’t feel still feel his arms all round me like water. He’s really strong. I can’t feel him belting me, only breathing and counting but I can feel his arms him belting me, only breathing and counting but I can feel his arms round me. Is that amnesia? But I did have to breathe in the end, and so round me. Is that amnesia? But I did have to breathe in the end, and so he knew I was awake, just pretending — and then he was so angry, more he knew I was awake, just pretending — and then he was so angry, more angry than before. angry than before. (Beat. Quietly.) He’s really angry now. (Beat. Quietly.) He’s really angry now.

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RAVISHED RAVISHED Don Nigro Don Nigro

Dramatic Dramatic Coll, twenties Coll, twenties

In this modern retelling of the tale Shakespeare told in “The Rape of In this modern retelling of the tale Shakespeare told in “The Rape of Lucrece,” Coll, a young man, works for a privately contracted company Lucrece,” Coll, a young man, works for a privately contracted company in a war in a far-off place and has been seriously scarred emotionally by in a war in a far-off place and has been seriously scarred emotionally by his experiences there. Here, he sits before a fire in the night in that war his experiences there. Here, he sits before a fire in the night in that war zone and talks to his fellow worker John Tarquin about his girl back zone and talks to his fellow worker John Tarquin about his girl back home, Lucrece. home, Lucrece.

COLL: I close my eyes and try to picture her. I have the photograph, but it’s COLL: I close my eyes and try to picture her. I have the photograph, but it’s not like her. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. It’s just one piece of her. One ex- not like her. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. It’s just one piece of her. One expression on her face, but her face is always different. Her eyes change pression on her face, but her face is always different. Her eyes change color in the light. Do you know how when you’re with someone you love, color in the light. Do you know how when you’re with someone you love, it’s hard to focus on them? It’s like they always somehow get away from it’s hard to focus on them? It’s like they always somehow get away from you before you can really touch them. Even when you’re touching them you before you can really touch them. Even when you’re touching them sometimes you can’t really see them because you’re so close. You can only sometimes you can’t really see them because you’re so close. You can only see part of them. You can only touch part of them. And then they’re gone, see part of them. You can only touch part of them. And then they’re gone, and you try to remember, but you can’t quite. Not enough. Not clearly and you try to remember, but you can’t quite. Not enough. Not clearly enough. They’re just these half-remembered fragments in your head, and enough. They’re just these half-remembered fragments in your head, and you can’t be satisfied until you see them again. But then perhaps you you can’t be satisfied until you see them again. But then perhaps you don’t. At some point, you don’t. Any time could be the last time. Maybe don’t. At some point, you don’t. Any time could be the last time. Maybe you know it is, and maybe you don’t. I don’t want to forget anything. I you know it is, and maybe you don’t. I don’t want to forget anything. I want to remember all of her, every inch of her flesh. I want to remember want to remember all of her, every inch of her flesh. I want to remember how it felt to kiss every part of her. Her lips were soft and full. Her how it felt to kiss every part of her. Her lips were soft and full. Her breasts. The moment when she’d uncover her breasts. It was always this breasts. The moment when she’d uncover her breasts. It was always this miraculous thing. Kissing her. Kissing her stomach. Kissing her back. The miraculous thing. Kissing her. Kissing her stomach. Kissing her back. The way her back tapers down to her waist. Her arms. She has the most beau- way her back tapers down to her waist. Her arms. She has the most beautiful arms. The down on her arms. Her hands. The way she sculpts the tiful arms. The down on her arms. Her hands. The way she sculpts the air with her hands when she’s excited, when she’s talking, her hands seem air with her hands when she’s excited, when she’s talking, her hands seem to take on a life of their own. It’s like poetry. The way her hands move. I to take on a life of their own. It’s like poetry. The way her hands move. I don’t want to forget. If I say the words, I won’t forget. don’t want to forget. If I say the words, I won’t forget. She would make this little noise. When I entered her. This very She would make this little noise. When I entered her. This very strange little murmur of something like surprise. Fear. Pleasure. Pain. I strange little murmur of something like surprise. Fear. Pleasure. Pain. I

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don’t know what exactly it was, but it was an astonishingly erotic thing. don’t know what exactly it was, but it was an astonishingly erotic thing. And then she’d cry. While we were making love. She’d sob like a child. I And then she’d cry. While we were making love. She’d sob like a child. I don’t know why she cried. She wouldn’t tell me. I suppose she didn’t don’t know why she cried. She wouldn’t tell me. I suppose she didn’t know. Or maybe she knew, and didn’t think it was any of my business. know. Or maybe she knew, and didn’t think it was any of my business. She was a stranger to me, really. The more we made love, the stranger She was a stranger to me, really. The more we made love, the stranger she got. At first I’d be concerned, but then something in me would just she got. At first I’d be concerned, but then something in me would just take over, and it didn’t matter, and she was everything and then she’d take over, and it didn’t matter, and she was everything and then she’d kind of disappear. And then when it was over, she’d hold onto me, but kind of disappear. And then when it was over, she’d hold onto me, but she wouldn’t look at me. But then finally she would look at me, into my she wouldn’t look at me. But then finally she would look at me, into my eyes, as if she was trying to remember who I was. As if I was the stranger. eyes, as if she was trying to remember who I was. As if I was the stranger. It always scared the crap out of me. I just wanted to get away from her. It always scared the crap out of me. I just wanted to get away from her. I suppose it was guilt. As if I’d done something terrible to her. As if I’d I suppose it was guilt. As if I’d done something terrible to her. As if I’d violated her, somehow. But then the lust would come again. She’d be sit- violated her, somehow. But then the lust would come again. She’d be sitting there naked on the bed, with her arms around her legs, her face rest- ting there naked on the bed, with her arms around her legs, her face resting against her knees, looking so small and helpless and lost, as if ing against her knees, looking so small and helpless and lost, as if somebody had just done something so terrible to her that nothing could somebody had just done something so terrible to her that nothing could ever make it right again. And then I’d feel the lust rising up in me again. ever make it right again. And then I’d feel the lust rising up in me again. And I’d kiss her back and run my hands along her arms and kiss her hair, And I’d kiss her back and run my hands along her arms and kiss her hair, kiss her neck, and she’d stay curled up tight, not letting me in. Not let- kiss her neck, and she’d stay curled up tight, not letting me in. Not letting me in. She never let me in. ting me in. She never let me in.

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REENTRY REENTRY Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez

Dramatic Dramatic Tommy, midtwenties Tommy, midtwenties

ReEntry is a documentary play taken entirely from interviews with ReEntry is a documentary play taken entirely from interviews with members of the U.S. Marine Corps and their families. Tommy is a members of the U.S. Marine Corps and their families. Tommy is a USMC staff sergeant who was injured in an IED explosion that left USMC staff sergeant who was injured in an IED explosion that left him blind and with limited use of one of his arms and that also killed him blind and with limited use of one of his arms and that also killed one of his colleagues. He has been deployed multiple times and consid- one of his colleagues. He has been deployed multiple times and consid- ers himself a career marine. He has an easy wit, a deep commitment to ers himself a career marine. He has an easy wit, a deep commitment to the military, and absolutely no self-pity. the military, and absolutely no self-pity.

TOMMY: Around here people don’t treat you differently when they find out TOMMY: Around here people don’t treat you differently when they find out you’re in the Marine Corps. Northern California some lady called me a you’re in the Marine Corps. Northern California some lady called me a baby killer. I was like in a bar and some lady asked me what I did, I’m baby killer. I was like in a bar and some lady asked me what I did, I’m in the Marine Corps. Oh, you kill people. And I’m like, I don’t like to in the Marine Corps. Oh, you kill people. And I’m like, I don’t like to talk about that. Oh you’re a baby killer. And I kinda got offended at first. talk about that. Oh you’re a baby killer. And I kinda got offended at first. And then I was like, I’m not gonna let her ignorance get to me, not And then I was like, I’m not gonna let her ignorance get to me, not gonna let it ruin my day. So she’s “you’re a baby killer.” Yeah, got any gonna let it ruin my day. So she’s “you’re a baby killer.” Yeah, got any kids? AAAAH! She went off. I’m like, look, I’m not a baby killer, OK? I kids? AAAAH! She went off. I’m like, look, I’m not a baby killer, OK? I just do what I gotta do. just do what I gotta do. People will bitch about us, you know, we drink a lot, we party. People will bitch about us, you know, we drink a lot, we party. Work hard party hard. Party like rock stars fucking like porn stars type Work hard party hard. Party like rock stars fucking like porn stars type of thing. Cause you know you are going to be in some shit-hole desert, of thing. Cause you know you are going to be in some shit-hole desert, it’s going to be hot, it’s going to be boring, it’s going to be dangerous, so it’s going to be hot, it’s going to be boring, it’s going to be dangerous, so why not have a good time while we are here, you know? why not have a good time while we are here, you know? I deployed five times. Cinco. I came back single two times, and after I deployed five times. Cinco. I came back single two times, and after that I was either engaged or married. The first time I came back, I that I was either engaged or married. The first time I came back, I bought a car. I came back, my buddy picked me up, surprised my par- bought a car. I came back, my buddy picked me up, surprised my parents and then we just went out and drank. I had just turned twenty-one. ents and then we just went out and drank. I had just turned twenty-one. The second time, you know, you just appreciate life a little bit more but The second time, you know, you just appreciate life a little bit more but you’re still kinda edgy. A lot of guys who go into big cities get flustered, you’re still kinda edgy. A lot of guys who go into big cities get flustered, don’t want to be around big crowds. They’d go to bars, but small bars don’t want to be around big crowds. They’d go to bars, but small bars like this, not big “excuse me excuse me” kinda bars. They’d stay away like this, not big “excuse me excuse me” kinda bars. They’d stay away

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from that as much as possible. Because you can’t control that environ- from that as much as possible. Because you can’t control that environment. When I was out there, I had full control of everything like a ring- ment. When I was out there, I had full control of everything like a ring- master — I’d radio in, “Hey we got these guys here, these guys there.” master — I’d radio in, “Hey we got these guys here, these guys there.” And you come back and you’re like, “This guy keeps looking at me And you come back and you’re like, “This guy keeps looking at me weird.” The third time I came back, I was a little conceited, whatever. weird.” The third time I came back, I was a little conceited, whatever. The fourth time I came back, my wife was pregnant. I just laid in bed The fourth time I came back, my wife was pregnant. I just laid in bed with her and rubbed her tummy all night. I rubbed her tummy and tried with her and rubbed her tummy all night. I rubbed her tummy and tried to catch up to what I missed. That time I was more mellow, ’cause my to catch up to what I missed. That time I was more mellow, ’cause my son was being born, so I was just focused on that. This time coming back son was being born, so I was just focused on that. This time coming back sucked. sucked.

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REENTRY REENTRY Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez

Dramatic Dramatic John, early thirties John, early thirties

ReEntry is a documentary play taken entirely from interviews with ReEntry is a documentary play taken entirely from interviews with members of the U.S. Marine Corps and their families. John is a USMC members of the U.S. Marine Corps and their families. John is a USMC captain. He is a career marine and an officer. He has returned home captain. He is a career marine and an officer. He has returned home from a particularly hard deployment and is finding it increasingly dif- from a particularly hard deployment and is finding it increasingly dif- ficult to be around civilians. John is a very intelligent, intense person- ficult to be around civilians. John is a very intelligent, intense personality with a real sense of righteousness and a sharp sense of humor. He ality with a real sense of righteousness and a sharp sense of humor. He does not suffer fools. does not suffer fools.

JOHN: Oh, man, when I first got home? The skateboarders? Those stupid little JOHN: Oh, man, when I first got home? The skateboarders? Those stupid little faggy skater shitheads wearing girl’s pants? Not that fags are bad . . . it’s just faggy skater shitheads wearing girl’s pants? Not that fags are bad . . . it’s just the way I talk. But have you seen these kids with these fucking pants? They the way I talk. But have you seen these kids with these fucking pants? They were probably maybe thirteen or fourteen. They were skateboarding in a were probably maybe thirteen or fourteen. They were skateboarding in a brand-new development that was just built, and they were basically trying brand-new development that was just built, and they were basically trying to grind on the curb, which was a freshly painted, like, brand-new, like, to grind on the curb, which was a freshly painted, like, brand-new, like, thing. And I ask them, I go, “What are you doin’?” They’re like, (In whiny, thing. And I ask them, I go, “What are you doin’?” They’re like, (In whiny, lispy kid voice.) “Yeah, well we heard this is a good place to skate.” . . . lispy kid voice.) “Yeah, well we heard this is a good place to skate.” . . . “You live here?” “You live here?” “No.” “No.” “What the fuck are you doing?” “What the fuck are you doing?” “We’re skatin’ dude, we heard it was a good place.” “We’re skatin’ dude, we heard it was a good place.” “It’s not. So, you don’t live here, and you’re here fuckin’ up my “It’s not. So, you don’t live here, and you’re here fuckin’ up my brand-new, freshly painted sidewalk. You pay for that shit?” brand-new, freshly painted sidewalk. You pay for that shit?” “No.” “No.” “Get the fuck out.” “Get the fuck out.” “Dude! You don’t have to like, you don’t have to like, swear at us.” “Dude! You don’t have to like, you don’t have to like, swear at us.” “You don’t have to do anything but leave, right fuckin’ now.” “You don’t have to do anything but leave, right fuckin’ now.” You know, just a punk kid that doesn’t do like, anything. . . . You know, just a punk kid that doesn’t do like, anything. . . . And the kid is like, “Oh yeah dude, like, whatever.” And I’m like, And the kid is like, “Oh yeah dude, like, whatever.” And I’m like, “Don’t come back. If you COME back, see that cliff over there? I’m “Don’t come back. If you COME back, see that cliff over there? I’m gonna launch you. I will stop your heart, son.” . . . gonna launch you. I will stop your heart, son.” . . . It was really like, it was kinda intense. It went from like, zero, to It was really like, it was kinda intense. It went from like, zero, to fuckin’ homicidal in about three seconds. . . . fuckin’ homicidal in about three seconds. . . .

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What can people actually do to support the troops? Quit bitchin’. I What can people actually do to support the troops? Quit bitchin’. I like the, uh, flag waving, that happens for about a month. And then like the, uh, flag waving, that happens for about a month. And then nothing. If I don’t get my three dollar Starbucks, and get to work on nothing. If I don’t get my three dollar Starbucks, and get to work on time, and pay less than whatever for a gallon of gas, then I am going to time, and pay less than whatever for a gallon of gas, then I am going to bitch and moan and cry. Everybody is so fuckin’ spoiled. I think the ma- bitch and moan and cry. Everybody is so fuckin’ spoiled. I think the ma- jority of Americans are a bunch of whining pussies. People watch too jority of Americans are a bunch of whining pussies. People watch too much fuckin’ TV. Like ridiculous amounts. Like, do I even care who is much fuckin’ TV. Like ridiculous amounts. Like, do I even care who is on Dancing with the Stars? I didn’t even know that was a fucking show. on Dancing with the Stars? I didn’t even know that was a fucking show. People are like, “OH! On Dancing with the . . .” I’m like, “Are you fuck- People are like, “OH! On Dancing with the . . .” I’m like, “Are you fucking retarded? What did you have for dinner yesterday? A BIG MAC. Go ing retarded? What did you have for dinner yesterday? A BIG MAC. Go fuck yourself.” So when the kid that’s grinding my sidewalk is like, dude, fuck yourself.” So when the kid that’s grinding my sidewalk is like, dude, that’s not cool — It’s easier for me to launch him over a cliff and not that’s not cool — It’s easier for me to launch him over a cliff and not even worry about it. He’s worthless at this point to me. And when you’ve even worry about it. He’s worthless at this point to me. And when you’ve pulled one of your marines, who just got his legs blown off, out of that pulled one of your marines, who just got his legs blown off, out of that shit, and he’s only a few years older than that douche with his skateboard shit, and he’s only a few years older than that douche with his skateboard that is never going to do anything with his life, it kinda makes you not that is never going to do anything with his life, it kinda makes you not give a fuck about hurting that retard’s “feelings.” . . . give a fuck about hurting that retard’s “feelings.” . . . Everything you people get so excited about is fucking pointless. Everything you people get so excited about is fucking pointless. Like, fucking recycling. Go anywhere else on earth and there is so much Like, fucking recycling. Go anywhere else on earth and there is so much shit burning in the streets — there’s so much crap just burning every- shit burning in the streets — there’s so much crap just burning everywhere, you look at like an old car just burning in the streets and the where, you look at like an old car just burning in the streets and the smoke it generates and it’s like, YEAH I’m glad I recycled that mother- smoke it generates and it’s like, YEAH I’m glad I recycled that motherfuckin’ milk bottle! You know? It’s pointless. If you’re so bored with fuckin’ milk bottle! You know? It’s pointless. If you’re so bored with yourself that you get excited about recycling then you need to get a yourself that you get excited about recycling then you need to get a hobby. One person recycling some fuckin’ soda cans makes about as hobby. One person recycling some fuckin’ soda cans makes about as much sense as a Tyrannosaurus rex trying to take a shit on a napkin so as much sense as a Tyrannosaurus rex trying to take a shit on a napkin so as not to make a mess. not to make a mess. What should we do? You want my honest opinion? Everyone that is What should we do? You want my honest opinion? Everyone that is pissing us off we should nuke the shit out of them and turn their coun- pissing us off we should nuke the shit out of them and turn their country into glass and then build it in our own fashion! try into glass and then build it in our own fashion! Right now, I’m just happy that I’m not being shot at. But at the Right now, I’m just happy that I’m not being shot at. But at the same time, I’m kinda upset that I don’t have anyone to shoot. It’s like, same time, I’m kinda upset that I don’t have anyone to shoot. It’s like, yeah, I do wish I had a relationship, a girlfriend. I do. But how do we yeah, I do wish I had a relationship, a girlfriend. I do. But how do we marry these two extremes? Like back in the day all the women wanted marry these two extremes? Like back in the day all the women wanted to be with a gladiator, right? Well, try to take a gladiator to goddamned to be with a gladiator, right? Well, try to take a gladiator to goddamned dinner. But for the most part it’s like, you are trained to be a certain way, dinner. But for the most part it’s like, you are trained to be a certain way, to do certain things, and then you are just supposed to turn that off and to do certain things, and then you are just supposed to turn that off and go back to society with the rest of you pussies. go back to society with the rest of you pussies.

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THE REST OF THE NIGHT THE REST OF THE NIGHT Robert Lewis Vaughan Robert Lewis Vaughan

Dramatic Dramatic Miller, late twenties to early thirties Miller, late twenties to early thirties

Not able to settle into the life of a dying town and not able to leave it Not able to settle into the life of a dying town and not able to leave it either, Miller falls into alcoholism and finds false courage in the bot- either, Miller falls into alcoholism and finds false courage in the bottle. Already well on his way to destroying his marriage to Malia and his tle. Already well on his way to destroying his marriage to Malia and his relationship with his young son, Eric, Miller sinks lower and begins to relationship with his young son, Eric, Miller sinks lower and begins to blame everyone else for his trouble. He decides it’s time to teach Eric blame everyone else for his trouble. He decides it’s time to teach Eric what he thinks is a valuable life lesson by confining him to the doghouse what he thinks is a valuable life lesson by confining him to the doghouse and nailing the door shut. and nailing the door shut.

MILLER: I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen real hard. You start MILLER: I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen real hard. You start payin’ attention to me. I’m gonna get us outta here one of these days. I payin’ attention to me. I’m gonna get us outta here one of these days. I will. Just you watch me. We’ll have everything I ever promised you we’d will. Just you watch me. We’ll have everything I ever promised you we’d have. I’ll be a success. We just have to get away from here. They’re all have. I’ll be a success. We just have to get away from here. They’re all keepin’ us down, boy. Your mama thinks she’s doin’ what’s right, but she keepin’ us down, boy. Your mama thinks she’s doin’ what’s right, but she don’t know nothin’, you hear me? She thinks she’s got to take care of us. don’t know nothin’, you hear me? She thinks she’s got to take care of us. She thinks I can’t take care of us — she’s holdin’ me back ’cause she don’t She thinks I can’t take care of us — she’s holdin’ me back ’cause she don’t believe in me neither. . . . Everybody always tells you what to do. Every- believe in me neither. . . . Everybody always tells you what to do. Every- body always thinks they know what’s best for you and they just gotta tell body always thinks they know what’s best for you and they just gotta tell you. They tell you what to do, then they walk away from you and laugh you. They tell you what to do, then they walk away from you and laugh at you when you turn around and try to do somethin’. I’ll tell you what, at you when you turn around and try to do somethin’. I’ll tell you what, boy — you just listen to me, and you do what I tell you. I love you, son. boy — you just listen to me, and you do what I tell you. I love you, son. . . . I will get us outta here . . . I got me a man who knows about a lit- . . . I will get us outta here . . . I got me a man who knows about a little place up by Salida, Colorado. He’s lookin’ for somebody to run his tle place up by Salida, Colorado. He’s lookin’ for somebody to run his land for him, and we’re gonna do it. We can go fishin’ anytime we want land for him, and we’re gonna do it. We can go fishin’ anytime we want in the Arkansas River. You can ride horses all day long, and we can just in the Arkansas River. You can ride horses all day long, and we can just be ourselves and not have to worry about anybody lookin’ over our be ourselves and not have to worry about anybody lookin’ over our shoulders or . . . Shit. Boy. I got this planned. This is gonna work. ... shoulders or . . . Shit. Boy. I got this planned. This is gonna work. ... Ain’t nobody gonna bother us. Ain’t nobody gonna tell me what to do Ain’t nobody gonna bother us. Ain’t nobody gonna tell me what to do anymore. I’m sick and tired of it. All my life they just . . . break me like anymore. I’m sick and tired of it. All my life they just . . . break me like a horse. My plans just . . . I got somethin’ in me, boy, and they just kill a horse. My plans just . . . I got somethin’ in me, boy, and they just kill it. I’m sick and tired of your mama treatin’ me — sick and tired of my it. I’m sick and tired of your mama treatin’ me — sick and tired of my mama and daddy treatin’ me like all I do is embarrass them. Bullshit. mama and daddy treatin’ me like all I do is embarrass them. Bullshit.

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One of these days you’re gonna know what I’m talkin’ about and you’re One of these days you’re gonna know what I’m talkin’ about and you’re gonna come up to me and say, “Daddy, I wanna thank you for tellin’ me gonna come up to me and say, “Daddy, I wanna thank you for tellin’ me the things you told me. Daddy, what you told me was absolutely right. the things you told me. Daddy, what you told me was absolutely right. Daddy, I’m glad I listened to you.” You’re gonna do that to me, Eric. Daddy, I’m glad I listened to you.” You’re gonna do that to me, Eric. You’re gonna tell me that you love me and you’re gonna thank me for You’re gonna tell me that you love me and you’re gonna thank me for teachin’ you what’s right. I ain’t gonna make you feel like you can’t do teachin’ you what’s right. I ain’t gonna make you feel like you can’t do nothin’ right. Like you can’t measure up. I ain’t gonna make you feel like nothin’ right. Like you can’t measure up. I ain’t gonna make you feel like you ain’t the man you’re supposed to be. I ain’t gonna hold you back. you ain’t the man you’re supposed to be. I ain’t gonna hold you back.

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THE REST OF THE NIGHT THE REST OF THE NIGHT Robert Lewis Vaughan Robert Lewis Vaughan

Dramatic Dramatic Keith, late twenties to early thirties Keith, late twenties to early thirties

Keith, the new deputy sheriff, meets Malia for the first time when he’s Keith, the new deputy sheriff, meets Malia for the first time when he’s dispatched to inform her that her husband has been arrested. Keith is dispatched to inform her that her husband has been arrested. Keith is immediately drawn to Malia, and over time he falls in love with immediately drawn to Malia, and over time he falls in love with her. Knowing that Miller, Malia’s husband, is an alcoholic and possibly her. Knowing that Miller, Malia’s husband, is an alcoholic and possibly a violent one at that, Keith fears for Malia and her son, Eric. Finally, a violent one at that, Keith fears for Malia and her son, Eric. Finally, after a particularly bad incident that involved Eric during one of after a particularly bad incident that involved Eric during one of Miller’s binges, Keith decides it’s time to come clean with Malia. Miller’s binges, Keith decides it’s time to come clean with Malia.

KEITH: My wife was a partier. Oh boy, she liked her good times. I liked mine KEITH: My wife was a partier. Oh boy, she liked her good times. I liked mine to, but . . . She liked hers more. I had as much fun as she did when we’d to, but . . . She liked hers more. I had as much fun as she did when we’d go out dancin’ and drinkin’ and raisin’ our hell. I’d drink my beers, she’d go out dancin’ and drinkin’ and raisin’ our hell. I’d drink my beers, she’d drink her whiskey sours, and I’d eat her cherries. What the hell, I mean drink her whiskey sours, and I’d eat her cherries. What the hell, I mean . . . we were nothin’ but kids when we first got married and was doin’ . . . we were nothin’ but kids when we first got married and was doin’ that. What else was there? It didn’t seem like there was too many options that. What else was there? It didn’t seem like there was too many options for us, that we cared for anyway. So we kept on partyin’ and pretendin’ for us, that we cared for anyway. So we kept on partyin’ and pretendin’ that we were fine . . . and, we knew we weren’t. Then we started fightin’. that we were fine . . . and, we knew we weren’t. Then we started fightin’. I don’t have a bad temper. I never did. I just don’t have it in me, but she I don’t have a bad temper. I never did. I just don’t have it in me, but she did. She was so hotheaded sometimes that I’d think there was somethin’ did. She was so hotheaded sometimes that I’d think there was somethin’ wrong with her. So. We’d fight and we’d make up, and she’d wanna go wrong with her. So. We’d fight and we’d make up, and she’d wanna go play and I’d say no and we’d fight some more, and she’d go by herself and play and I’d say no and we’d fight some more, and she’d go by herself and I’d sit home wonderin’ what kind of man I was lettin’ my wife go off I’d sit home wonderin’ what kind of man I was lettin’ my wife go off like that. . . . like that. . . . Things went on like that for a while, and then I got tired of sittin’ Things went on like that for a while, and then I got tired of sittin’ home when she’d run off. I followed her and I wish I hadn’t’a ’cause home when she’d run off. I followed her and I wish I hadn’t’a ’cause I didn’t like what I found. I loved her to death, Malia, I really did. I I didn’t like what I found. I loved her to death, Malia, I really did. I couldn’t think about any other woman when I was with her. Not like couldn’t think about any other woman when I was with her. Not like that anyway. I thought I was about the luckiest guy in town, but . . . Peo- that anyway. I thought I was about the luckiest guy in town, but . . . Peo- ple started tellin’ me I better get a better grip if I was plannin’ on keepin’ ple started tellin’ me I better get a better grip if I was plannin’ on keepin’ her, so I tried. But we had two different things in mind, and all we her, so I tried. But we had two different things in mind, and all we started doin’ was fightin’ more than we ever did and she started cheatin’ started doin’ was fightin’ more than we ever did and she started cheatin’ on me for real. And we had bigger fights — she used to throw things — on me for real. And we had bigger fights — she used to throw things —

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boy, I tell you, she had one hell of a good arm. She run outside this last boy, I tell you, she had one hell of a good arm. She run outside this last time and she was goin’ — I mean she was leavin’, and I run out after her time and she was goin’ — I mean she was leavin’, and I run out after her and was hell-bent for leather gonna drag her butt back in the house. She and was hell-bent for leather gonna drag her butt back in the house. She was in the car and I run up and dove into the window and tried to was in the car and I run up and dove into the window and tried to get the keys and she’s got the damn thing started. She’s hittin’ me and get the keys and she’s got the damn thing started. She’s hittin’ me and scratchin’ me and bitin’ me and . . . she . . . starts backin’ up and I don’t scratchin’ me and bitin’ me and . . . she . . . starts backin’ up and I don’t know what hits me but I slipped and fell . . . she run right over my know what hits me but I slipped and fell . . . she run right over my leg. . . . leg. . . . Hell, I laugh about it now. What else can I do? It musta looked Hell, I laugh about it now. What else can I do? It musta looked funny. We had a couple neighbors waterin’ their grass standin’ around funny. We had a couple neighbors waterin’ their grass standin’ around with their mouths plumb hangin’ open, not knowin’ what the hell to do with their mouths plumb hangin’ open, not knowin’ what the hell to do with me layin’ there in the driveway with my leg run over. She was dri- with me layin’ there in the driveway with my leg run over. She was dri- vin’ off down the street callin’ me every name in the book and hollerin’ vin’ off down the street callin’ me every name in the book and hollerin’ back that she hoped it hurt worse than it looked like it did. back that she hoped it hurt worse than it looked like it did.

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ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ Mark Saltzman Mark Saltzman More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., thirty-two U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., thirty-two

Major Pike is an all-American, Princeton-educated rich boy with po- Major Pike is an all-American, Princeton-educated rich boy with political ambitions. The Redstone Missile, the first of the American guided litical ambitions. The Redstone Missile, the first of the American guided missiles, was designed and built in Rocket City (Hunstville), Alabama. missiles, was designed and built in Rocket City (Hunstville), Alabama. Major Pike is speaking to Amy, a young woman from the Bronx, about Major Pike is speaking to Amy, a young woman from the Bronx, about exactly what she has been protesting. It’s six feet wide. The top of the exactly what she has been protesting. It’s six feet wide. The top of the missile reaches up, up, up, beyond what’s visible onstage. missile reaches up, up, up, beyond what’s visible onstage.

MAJOR PIKE: It’s pretty much an adaptation of the V-2. But it’s OUR adapta- MAJOR PIKE: It’s pretty much an adaptation of the V-2. But it’s OUR adaptation. Slightly taller, more powerful engine. And what do you think we’re tion. Slightly taller, more powerful engine. And what do you think we’re calling it, after much consideration, you know what we’re naming the calling it, after much consideration, you know what we’re naming the baby? We’re naming it for this place, for the Redstone Arsenal. This is baby? We’re naming it for this place, for the Redstone Arsenal. This is the Redstone Missile. And soon, when it’s launched, the entire world the Redstone Missile. And soon, when it’s launched, the entire world will know about (In southern dialect.) the little ol’ Redstone Arsenal in will know about (In southern dialect.) the little ol’ Redstone Arsenal in little ol’ Huntsville, Alabam’. The Germans are about to be naturalized. little ol’ Huntsville, Alabam’. The Germans are about to be naturalized. In a few weeks time you’ll be going after American citizens, not foreign- In a few weeks time you’ll be going after American citizens, not foreigners. Can’t you just step back and admire what they’ve done? What they’ve ers. Can’t you just step back and admire what they’ve done? What they’ve built here? I mean, just as an object in the world, don’t you think it’s built here? I mean, just as an object in the world, don’t you think it’s beautiful? Yes, of course, you can get psychoanalytical about it. But for- beautiful? Yes, of course, you can get psychoanalytical about it. But forget that, just think of it as a pure shape, a shape going back to the get that, just think of it as a pure shape, a shape going back to the obelisks of Egypt. Further back! To the prehistoric monoliths still stand- obelisks of Egypt. Further back! To the prehistoric monoliths still standing in the British Isles. People prayed to those rocket-shaped stones and ing in the British Isles. People prayed to those rocket-shaped stones and I bet I know what they were praying for. Protection. And here it is, the I bet I know what they were praying for. Protection. And here it is, the answer to an ancient prayer. Our god of war. He has come to earth to answer to an ancient prayer. Our god of war. He has come to earth to protect us because he loves us. It’s that tall you know, because most if it protect us because he loves us. It’s that tall you know, because most if it is a fuel tank. Everything about it is designed for practicality and physics is a fuel tank. Everything about it is designed for practicality and physics — a tower of pure function — and yet, look! It turns out to be a thing — a tower of pure function — and yet, look! It turns out to be a thing of beauty. The most ancient of shapes wedded to the most modern tech- of beauty. The most ancient of shapes wedded to the most modern tech- nology. And unlike obelisks and monoliths . . . THIS BABY CAN FLY! nology. And unlike obelisks and monoliths . . . THIS BABY CAN FLY! (To the missile.) CAN’T YOU? YES, FLY! And you’ll make the most (To the missile.) CAN’T YOU? YES, FLY! And you’ll make the most

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beautiful of trajectories — a perfect parabola, the arching curve of the beautiful of trajectories — a perfect parabola, the arching curve of the rainbow, a shape that the Bible tells us was created by God Himself. rainbow, a shape that the Bible tells us was created by God Himself. Look at this thing, Amy — And you plan to stop it? What do you want Look at this thing, Amy — And you plan to stop it? What do you want to do, kick it? Go ahead. It can take it. It can take heat up to two thou- to do, kick it? Go ahead. It can take it. It can take heat up to two thousand degrees Fahrenheit. Lie down in front of it when it takes off? Chain sand degrees Fahrenheit. Lie down in front of it when it takes off? Chain yourself to it? Instead, why don’t we stand together and admire this su- yourself to it? Instead, why don’t we stand together and admire this su- personic masterpiece that will protect our country and take us through personic masterpiece that will protect our country and take us through that low-lying sky, past the planets, through the Milky Way, past faraway that low-lying sky, past the planets, through the Milky Way, past faraway galaxies, to the entrance of whatever heaven is waiting there beyond. galaxies, to the entrance of whatever heaven is waiting there beyond.

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THE ROOKY WOOD THE ROOKY WOOD Don Nigro Don Nigro

Dramatic Dramatic Hobb, forties Hobb, forties

A woman has come to Inspector Ruffing insisting that a girl has been A woman has come to Inspector Ruffing insisting that a girl has been murdered and is lying naked in the woods next to a theater performing murdered and is lying naked in the woods next to a theater performing Shakespeare in the park. But she can offer no solid evidence except that Shakespeare in the park. But she can offer no solid evidence except that she has seen the dead girl in a kind of vision. Inspector Ruffing has she has seen the dead girl in a kind of vision. Inspector Ruffing has brought in Hobb for questioning, but Hobb has turned the tables on brought in Hobb for questioning, but Hobb has turned the tables on Ruffing by insisting that he himself is in fact an inspector investigating the Ruffing by insisting that he himself is in fact an inspector investigating the murder, and Ruffing is the suspect. At this point, we’re not at all sure who murder, and Ruffing is the suspect. At this point, we’re not at all sure who to believe. to believe.

HOBB: Are you certain? Are you absolutely certain you’re not the killer? I’m HOBB: Are you certain? Are you absolutely certain you’re not the killer? I’m not certain about anything. That’s the beauty of it. All possibilities are not certain about anything. That’s the beauty of it. All possibilities are open to me. Whereas you, with your closed mind, are a prisoner of your open to me. Whereas you, with your closed mind, are a prisoner of your own fabricated realities. You’re trapped in a house of mirrors. You lead a own fabricated realities. You’re trapped in a house of mirrors. You lead a very isolated life, don’t you? Keeping odd hours. Obsessed with women. very isolated life, don’t you? Keeping odd hours. Obsessed with women. It’s a wonder we didn’t begin to suspect you a long time ago. I wonder if It’s a wonder we didn’t begin to suspect you a long time ago. I wonder if that’s it. It’s a part of your illness that you commit these murders and that’s it. It’s a part of your illness that you commit these murders and then immediately forget them. Then you wake up in the morning and then immediately forget them. Then you wake up in the morning and go out and look for the killer. And all the while you’re looking for your- go out and look for the killer. And all the while you’re looking for yourself. I don’t believe in theories. But if I had to guess how it works, I’d self. I don’t believe in theories. But if I had to guess how it works, I’d guess something like this: A man goes out in the pouring rain. He has guess something like this: A man goes out in the pouring rain. He has nothing in particular on his mind. He has no plan. He stops under an nothing in particular on his mind. He has no plan. He stops under an awning near the park. There’s a woman standing there. They strike up a awning near the park. There’s a woman standing there. They strike up a conversation. He’s very nice, and not bad looking, and she seems to like conversation. He’s very nice, and not bad looking, and she seems to like him. The man begins to think, perhaps something will come of this. him. The man begins to think, perhaps something will come of this. And, after a bit, something does. Or perhaps he meets her at the theater. And, after a bit, something does. Or perhaps he meets her at the theater. Or in a police station. It really doesn’t matter. But I think it all rather Or in a police station. It really doesn’t matter. But I think it all rather seems each time to have been almost an accident. Of course, it never is seems each time to have been almost an accident. Of course, it never is an accident. Well, if I were a killer, I don’t think I’d just leave my victim an accident. Well, if I were a killer, I don’t think I’d just leave my victim lying about with me in the woods. I think I should be tempted to take lying about with me in the woods. I think I should be tempted to take her home with me and have her embalmed. Some people have difficulty her home with me and have her embalmed. Some people have difficulty

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throwing things away. Letting things go. But that also is vanity. Every- throwing things away. Letting things go. But that also is vanity. Every- thing goes away. Even embalming is only postponing the inevitable rot- thing goes away. Even embalming is only postponing the inevitable rot- ting of the flesh. In the end, you must learn to let things go. That is the ting of the flesh. In the end, you must learn to let things go. That is the last thing we learn.To stand under an awning in the rain with a woman last thing we learn.To stand under an awning in the rain with a woman who is not unattractive and to become aware, gradually, that something who is not unattractive and to become aware, gradually, that something is possible. That something could happen. I imagine it’s an extraordinary is possible. That something could happen. I imagine it’s an extraordinary feeling. We go through our lives half asleep most of the time. And then feeling. We go through our lives half asleep most of the time. And then suddenly, for a moment, something causes us to wake up. To look with suddenly, for a moment, something causes us to wake up. To look with new eyes. We realize that time is — that certain moments — that one new eyes. We realize that time is — that certain moments — that one can, that it is possible to — Suppose a man suddenly became so curious can, that it is possible to — Suppose a man suddenly became so curious about the mystery of things, he had to see what was inside. He had to about the mystery of things, he had to see what was inside. He had to see. And there she was, in the rain. see. And there she was, in the rain. (Pause.) (Pause.) You look like you could use a drink, Inspector. You look like you could use a drink, Inspector.

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ROUGH SKETCH ROUGH SKETCH Shawn Nacol Shawn Nacol More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Dex, thirties Dex, thirties

Dex is speaking to Barbara, a coworker for whom he has strong feelings Dex is speaking to Barbara, a coworker for whom he has strong feelings and with whom he’s shared an intense week locked together in the of- and with whom he’s shared an intense week locked together in the offices of the animation studio that employs them both. A former chil- fices of the animation studio that employs them both. A former children’s author and recovering alcoholic, Dex has discovered that Barbara dren’s author and recovering alcoholic, Dex has discovered that Barbara plans to sabotage a huge animated family film by rendering a brief se- plans to sabotage a huge animated family film by rendering a brief sequence with a little heroine’s tear in a way that ridicules all family en- quence with a little heroine’s tear in a way that ridicules all family entertainment. In this moment, Dex reveals to Barbara that he has found tertainment. In this moment, Dex reveals to Barbara that he has found a way to thwart her disturbing plans. a way to thwart her disturbing plans.

DEX: I was up here over Christmas weekend so I wouldn’t actually lose my DEX: I was up here over Christmas weekend so I wouldn’t actually lose my shit and spend the day in the bottom of a bottle. Calling my daughter shit and spend the day in the bottom of a bottle. Calling my daughter with nothing to say. Pathetic, right? I have another reason. A higher pur- with nothing to say. Pathetic, right? I have another reason. A higher pur- pose. A heroic task worthy of my skill and experience. Possibly the rea- pose. A heroic task worthy of my skill and experience. Possibly the reason I totaled my whole stupid career! Stopping you. I don’t even want a son I totaled my whole stupid career! Stopping you. I don’t even want a drink! This is BETTER than selling out. You know?! Better than reprint drink! This is BETTER than selling out. You know?! Better than reprint galleys warm in my hands. Barbara, I’m a drunk and I wouldn’t lick galleys warm in my hands. Barbara, I’m a drunk and I wouldn’t lick scotch off a nipple if you gave me a hundred million dollars. Imagine! scotch off a nipple if you gave me a hundred million dollars. Imagine! You’ve tricked Spence. You’re going to use his equipment to make him You’ve tricked Spence. You’re going to use his equipment to make him look like a fool. To destroy everything he believes in. That I believe in. look like a fool. To destroy everything he believes in. That I believe in. That most of the civilized world believes in. You aren’t powerful. You That most of the civilized world believes in. You aren’t powerful. You aren’t scary. But your idea is. I don’t have your technical expertise, but I aren’t scary. But your idea is. I don’t have your technical expertise, but I am three million times the artist. Fuck you. I could have helped if you am three million times the artist. Fuck you. I could have helped if you hadn’t been a sociopathic nitwit. There are at least thirty places where hadn’t been a sociopathic nitwit. There are at least thirty places where wittier armature and tinting would’ve made selecting your sequence in- wittier armature and tinting would’ve made selecting your sequence inevitable. Imagineering. Polish points where ole Dex could’ve squirted his evitable. Imagineering. Polish points where ole Dex could’ve squirted his finger-licking eyejizz. Fuck you. Your cold, calculating, callous spirit has finger-licking eyejizz. Fuck you. Your cold, calculating, callous spirit has planted red flags all the hell over your clip that’ll nag, nag, nag at Spence planted red flags all the hell over your clip that’ll nag, nag, nag at Spence and undermine the impact of your tear. Fuck you. I don’t need to delete and undermine the impact of your tear. Fuck you. I don’t need to delete your work, my work will be better, hands down. I’m an artist. Fuck you. your work, my work will be better, hands down. I’m an artist. Fuck you. Line in the sand! I made a tear. Line in the sand! I made a tear.

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SLIPPING SLIPPING Daniel Talbott Daniel Talbott

Dramatic Dramatic Eli, seventeen Eli, seventeen

Alone, numb, and friendless after the violent death of his father, high Alone, numb, and friendless after the violent death of his father, high school senior Eli has moved with his mother from San Francisco to a school senior Eli has moved with his mother from San Francisco to a fresh start in Iowa. A new relationship with a boy named Jake at school fresh start in Iowa. A new relationship with a boy named Jake at school exposes Eli again to the possibility of closeness and the danger of being exposes Eli again to the possibility of closeness and the danger of being swallowed by it. Falling back into his old patterns and his self-destruc- swallowed by it. Falling back into his old patterns and his self-destruc- tive and physically punishing behavior, Eli attempts to confront his tive and physically punishing behavior, Eli attempts to confront his mother, possibly for the last time, about her adultery and her relation- mother, possibly for the last time, about her adultery and her relationship with his father. ship with his father.

ELI: I hated him. ELI: I hated him. Dad. For being so quiet. Dad. For being so quiet. For being so weak. For being so weak. For not being man enough to keep you. For not being man enough to keep you. (Short pause.) (Short pause.) I used to imagine what it must have been like to make love to him. I used to imagine what it must have been like to make love to him. Sweaty and fat and useless. Sweaty and fat and useless. (Short pause.) (Short pause.) It makes me sick that I never told him about me. It makes me sick that I never told him about me. About Chris. About Chris. (Short silence.) (Short silence.) There’s that picture of him as a boy. With the beer and the salmon? There’s that picture of him as a boy. With the beer and the salmon? I always thought that was my dad. I always thought that was my dad. That was the man you married. That was the man you married. I kept wondering where he went. Where you put him. I kept wondering where he went. Where you put him. (Short pause.) (Short pause.) I never felt like I was any part of you. Like . . . I never felt like I was any part of you. Like . . . I never wanted you to be able to take credit for anything I was. I never wanted you to be able to take credit for anything I was. (Silence.) (Silence.) When he died I kept wishing it was you. When he died I kept wishing it was you. That it’d been you and Roger in the car. That it’d been you and Roger in the car. At the funeral I kept trying to guess which picture we’d use. At the funeral I kept trying to guess which picture we’d use.

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What you’d wear. What you’d wear. What type of flowers we’d have. What type of flowers we’d have. Who would come. Who would come. (Beat.) (Beat.) I’d find these lists that he’d write all over the house. I’d find these lists that he’d write all over the house. Like, Eli likes Joy Division. Look it up. Like, Eli likes Joy Division. Look it up. What are Dickies and who is Ani? What are Dickies and who is Ani? Eli mentioned girl. Remember to ask who and does she like movies? Eli mentioned girl. Remember to ask who and does she like movies? France or London? Which is cooler vacation spot? France or London? Which is cooler vacation spot? Don’t put down hair. Don’t put down hair. Don’t be an ass. Don’t be an ass. Tell him I’m proud. Tell him I’m proud.

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SMUDGE SMUDGE Rachel Axler Rachel Axler More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Pete, thirties Pete, thirties

Pete is an executive with the census bureau. His brother, who also works Pete is an executive with the census bureau. His brother, who also works at the bureau, has been acting strangely lately due to the recent birth of at the bureau, has been acting strangely lately due to the recent birth of his horribly deformed daughter. Pete doesn’t know about this yet. All he his horribly deformed daughter. Pete doesn’t know about this yet. All he knows is that his brother has been sending out rather demented census knows is that his brother has been sending out rather demented census questionnaires. questionnaires.

PETE: I said, is there a pig in here? I dunno, you tell me. We got a couple of PETE: I said, is there a pig in here? I dunno, you tell me. We got a couple of calls about the new round of surveys. Apparently, someone snuck in a calls about the new round of surveys. Apparently, someone snuck in a little supplemental. Anything you maybe wanted to mention? Weirdo little supplemental. Anything you maybe wanted to mention? Weirdo violent questionnaire, fifty-two, fifty-one . . . Tick-tick, bro. You’re wast- violent questionnaire, fifty-two, fifty-one . . . Tick-tick, bro. You’re wasting my time and yours. And time is money, which is power, which is ing my time and yours. And time is money, which is power, which is money, which neither of us is gonna have pretty soon when we both lose money, which neither of us is gonna have pretty soon when we both lose our jobs over this, which is why you better start talking in the next two our jobs over this, which is why you better start talking in the next two seconds. seconds. One second. Man, swear to crap, I wish we were still kids, so I could One second. Man, swear to crap, I wish we were still kids, so I could beat you up. beat you up. (He holds up a copy of the survey.) (He holds up a copy of the survey.) It is weird. It’s, like, gnomes-in-a-cuckoo-clock weird. And it’s vio- It is weird. It’s, like, gnomes-in-a-cuckoo-clock weird. And it’s violent, and it’s no-joke, one-hundred-percent, honest-to-fuck long. lent, and it’s no-joke, one-hundred-percent, honest-to-fuck long. (Reading.) (Reading.) “Would you kill a pig? If yes, continue below. If no, turn to page “Would you kill a pig? If yes, continue below. If no, turn to page two. First question! Would you kill a fucking pig?” two. First question! Would you kill a fucking pig?” “Is it OK for a hog farmer to kill a pig?” “Is it OK for a hog farmer to kill a pig?” “Have you ever eaten bacon?” “Have you ever eaten bacon?” “Are you a vegetarian-slash-Kosher?” “Are you a vegetarian-slash-Kosher?” “Have you ever been a member or groupie of a hardcore or thrash “Have you ever been a member or groupie of a hardcore or thrash metal band?” metal band?” Oh, here’s a good one. This might be my favorite. Oh, here’s a good one. This might be my favorite. (Reading.) (Reading.)

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“Please number the items in the following list from one to twelve, “Please number the items in the following list from one to twelve, in order of your willingness to kill them, where one is ‘most acceptable’ in order of your willingness to kill them, where one is ‘most acceptable’ and twelve is ‘least acceptable.’ A pig. A puppy. A roach. A cow. A horse- and twelve is ‘least acceptable.’ A pig. A puppy. A roach. A cow. A horsefly. A horse. A dragonfly. A dragon. A baby. A lobster. A celebrity. A fly. A horse. A dragonfly. A dragon. A baby. A lobster. A celebrity. A stranger.” stranger.” Well, glad to see Little Nicky lookin’ out for numero one, but guess Well, glad to see Little Nicky lookin’ out for numero one, but guess what, bro? It’s not important to the census bureau. Not on their time and what, bro? It’s not important to the census bureau. Not on their time and not on their dime. Hey, d’ja hear that? Maybe I should skip this statis- not on their dime. Hey, d’ja hear that? Maybe I should skip this statis- tics shit and become Poet Fucking Laureate. ’Cause you know, that tics shit and become Poet Fucking Laureate. ’Cause you know, that would be important to me. would be important to me. You’re upsetting people. We got complaints from nearly every dis- You’re upsetting people. We got complaints from nearly every district about this, people saying they’re not gonna return any of the forms, trict about this, people saying they’re not gonna return any of the forms, claiming mental aggravation — It’s because you’re asking them to KILL claiming mental aggravation — It’s because you’re asking them to KILL things. For sixteen fucking pages! Dude. things. For sixteen fucking pages! Dude. All we want to know is race, gender, income, dependents, how far All we want to know is race, gender, income, dependents, how far do you fucking commute to work? You want to “figure something out” do you fucking commute to work? You want to “figure something out” about people’s ethos . . . es? Fine! Go. Take some time off, but don’t ac- about people’s ethos . . . es? Fine! Go. Take some time off, but don’t ac- cost an entire city! cost an entire city! Seriously. Toolshed. What is wrong with you? This is a fireable of- Seriously. Toolshed. What is wrong with you? This is a fireable of- fense I gotta cover up here, plus you’re slacking on the job, don’t think fense I gotta cover up here, plus you’re slacking on the job, don’t think I’m the only one who’s noticed, reading fucking psychology books — I’m the only one who’s noticed, reading fucking psychology books — And top it all off, Ma’s still calling me, trying to reach you, says you And top it all off, Ma’s still calling me, trying to reach you, says you dropped off the face of the earth, she’s worried you’re dead or worse, and dropped off the face of the earth, she’s worried you’re dead or worse, and I can’t help thinking: Is this my fault? Was I that camel who gave my I can’t help thinking: Is this my fault? Was I that camel who gave my brother a straw to sip from, and then broke his back? ’Cause I gotta say, brother a straw to sip from, and then broke his back? ’Cause I gotta say, I’m doubting my choice to give you that presentation now. And I don’t I’m doubting my choice to give you that presentation now. And I don’t like being doubted. Particularly by myself. like being doubted. Particularly by myself.

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SOUL SAMURAI SOUL SAMURAI Qui Nguyen Qui Nguyen

Comic Comic Cert, nineteen Cert, nineteen

Cert, a high-energy b-boy (a break dancer), meets and drops some Cert, a high-energy b-boy (a break dancer), meets and drops some smooth moves on Dewdrop, a tough-talking Brooklyn girl. smooth moves on Dewdrop, a tough-talking Brooklyn girl.

CERT: (To himself.) My name is Cert CERT: (To himself.) My name is Cert I’m here to kick it I’m here to kick it Don’t step to me, boy, Don’t step to me, boy, ’Cause my shit is wicked ’Cause my shit is wicked Ninja fly shit is how I be dealin’ it Ninja fly shit is how I be dealin’ it I’m a Samurai, son, so you best be feelin’ it I’m a Samurai, son, so you best be feelin’ it

Konichiwa, bozu, Konichiwa, bozu, Fuck you up old schoo’ Fuck you up old schoo’ Knock out ya teeth like a Eastside Sifu Knock out ya teeth like a Eastside Sifu

Remember these words Remember these words Remember my face Remember my face I’m the C. E. R. T. I’m the C. E. R. T. This hood’s my place. This hood’s my place.

Why hello there, fly girl. Yo, baby, did you clean your pants with Why hello there, fly girl. Yo, baby, did you clean your pants with Windex? ’Cause I can practically see myself in them. My name is Windex? ’Cause I can practically see myself in them. My name is Damon. But my homies call me Cert. You can call me anything you Damon. But my homies call me Cert. You can call me anything you want. What’s yo’ name? Is that Russian? I love Russian chicks. want. What’s yo’ name? Is that Russian? I love Russian chicks. You don’t look Russuan but I’m black and I ain’t exactly dark- You don’t look Russuan but I’m black and I ain’t exactly dark- complected, now am I? My mom’s Jewish. But I’m hung like a brotha if complected, now am I? My mom’s Jewish. But I’m hung like a brotha if you know what I mean . . . you know what I mean . . .

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SOUTHERN RAPTURE SOUTHERN RAPTURE Eric Coble Eric Coble More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Reverend Dupree, forties to fifties, but could be any adult age Reverend Dupree, forties to fifties, but could be any adult age

REVEREND DUPREE: [Your grandfather] . . . he wanted a better life for his wife REVEREND DUPREE: [Your grandfather] . . . he wanted a better life for his wife and five children. Am I rememberin’ your stump speech rightly? . . . and five children. Am I rememberin’ your stump speech rightly? . . . So he took that job, the job with the meat store . . . because that was So he took that job, the job with the meat store . . . because that was the best he could get. And how did he get through that, what made his the best he could get. And how did he get through that, what made his life worth livin’, what gave him some shred of meaning when he was life worth livin’, what gave him some shred of meaning when he was knee-deep in blood and fat, arteries still seepin’ and intestines bustin’ . . . knee-deep in blood and fat, arteries still seepin’ and intestines bustin’ . . . His family and his church! That’s what kept him going, that’s what His family and his church! That’s what kept him going, that’s what made his life worth living, the same as for every other soul who’s ever made his life worth living, the same as for every other soul who’s ever lived here or ever will live here. Do you think he would have even lived here or ever will live here. Do you think he would have even thought one second about packin' up his wife and his babies and thought one second about packin' up his wife and his babies and haulin’ ’em to a city that was known for its homosexual parties? Where haulin’ ’em to a city that was known for its homosexual parties? Where the people “embraced” naked men having intercourse right in front of the people “embraced” naked men having intercourse right in front of children in the public parks? . . . children in the public parks? . . . No, he would not. There are a million more men like your grandfa- No, he would not. There are a million more men like your grandfather and father looking at our city right now, and the million more who ther and father looking at our city right now, and the million more who already live here, who call this home, who go to church every Sunday and already live here, who call this home, who go to church every Sunday and pray to God to keep their families intact and their children safe, and pray to God to keep their families intact and their children safe, and Olympics be damned, do you think any of them are going to stay here Olympics be damned, do you think any of them are going to stay here when we put out a big ol’ blinkin’ sign: “Welcome to New Sodom! Aban- when we put out a big ol’ blinkin’ sign: “Welcome to New Sodom! Aban- don Clothes and Morals All Ye Who Enter Here!” don Clothes and Morals All Ye Who Enter Here!”

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SOUTHERN RAPTURE SOUTHERN RAPTURE Eric Coble Eric Coble

Dramatic Dramatic Winston, forties to fifties, but could be any adult age Winston, forties to fifties, but could be any adult age

A local community theater is planning to put on a production of A local community theater is planning to put on a production of Rapture in America (a doppelgänger for Angels in America), a con- Rapture in America (a doppelgänger for Angels in America), a con- troversial play that was a huge hit in New York. This has stirred up a troversial play that was a huge hit in New York. This has stirred up a hornet’s nest in the town, and local conservative leaders are putting up hornet’s nest in the town, and local conservative leaders are putting up a big stink about it. Winston, the town’s mayor, is caught between a a big stink about it. Winston, the town’s mayor, is caught between a rock and a hard place. He’s not really for censorship, but he recognizes rock and a hard place. He’s not really for censorship, but he recognizes that if the theater goes forward with the production, it will hurt his that if the theater goes forward with the production, it will hurt his efforts to get the community to support the arts in general, so he has efforts to get the community to support the arts in general, so he has come to the woman who runs the theater to ask her to agree not to come to the woman who runs the theater to ask her to agree not to open the play. open the play.

WINSTON: I’m askin’ you to answer to your fellow citizens! And your fellow WINSTON: I’m askin’ you to answer to your fellow citizens! And your fellow artists in this city . . . [who] may have some words for you when we artists in this city . . . [who] may have some words for you when we have some words for you when we have to cut all their public funding have some words for you when we have to cut all their public funding as well. . . . as well...... [G]overnment can’t start gettin’ into “oh, this art is good and . . . [G]overnment can’t start gettin’ into “oh, this art is good and this art is bad and these guys are OK, but not these” — that’s censorship! this art is bad and these guys are OK, but not these” — that’s censorship! So we cut nothin’ or we cut everything! So we cut nothin’ or we cut everything! . . . [Because] I asked you for one thing — ONE! To do your dirty . . . [Because] I asked you for one thing — ONE! To do your dirty little epic quietly and you gave me your word — your word, Marjorie — little epic quietly and you gave me your word — your word, Marjorie — that you would, and is it any wonder now I’m trying to get it in writing that you would, and is it any wonder now I’m trying to get it in writing that you’ll clean up your own act?? that you’ll clean up your own act?? . . . You don’t like what I do, you can have an election. I don’t like . . . You don’t like what I do, you can have an election. I don’t like what you do, I can damn well stop paying for it! And when the sym- what you do, I can damn well stop paying for it! And when the sym- phony and the ballet and the art museum are cuttin’ shows and firing phony and the ballet and the art museum are cuttin’ shows and firing staff and shuttin’ doors, they are all gonna know to look to the theater staff and shuttin’ doors, they are all gonna know to look to the theater who couldn’t keep its goddamn prick in its goddamn pants!! who couldn’t keep its goddamn prick in its goddamn pants!! . . . You know how many years we fought to get public funding for . . . You know how many years we fought to get public funding for the arts? To get people to start appreciating the arts? And now you want the arts? To get people to start appreciating the arts? And now you want to march in here and just undo all that in a single night. If that’s what to march in here and just undo all that in a single night. If that’s what happens, it’s on your head. Not mine. Yours. happens, it’s on your head. Not mine. Yours.

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(Beat.) This document is just asking you to think, Marjorie. To (Beat.) This document is just asking you to think, Marjorie. To think about where you are and when you are and who you are and to use think about where you are and when you are and who you are and to use a little common-sense discretion. (He pushes the paper toward her.) a little common-sense discretion. (He pushes the paper toward her.) You sign this and I can go to the yellers outside and tell ’em they You sign this and I can go to the yellers outside and tell ’em they can rest easy and go home. That you’ve learned your lesson. And the can rest easy and go home. That you’ve learned your lesson. And the world can stop laughing at us. (He holds up a pen.) Please. world can stop laughing at us. (He holds up a pen.) Please.

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SUICIDE, INCORPORATED SUICIDE, INCORPORATED Andrew Hinderaker Andrew Hinderaker More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Jason, twenty-five Jason, twenty-five

Jason works for Legacy Letters, a start-up company that edits their Jason works for Legacy Letters, a start-up company that edits their clients' suicide notes. A new hire, Jason is determined to save his clients. clients' suicide notes. A new hire, Jason is determined to save his clients. Here, Jason is speaking to Norm, a lonely and desperate man who hired Here, Jason is speaking to Norm, a lonely and desperate man who hired Jason to write his suicide note. Jason, who is guilt-ridden over his role Jason to write his suicide note. Jason, who is guilt-ridden over his role in his brother’s death and his inability to dissuade his clients from in his brother’s death and his inability to dissuade his clients from killing themselves, has decided to take his own life. After trying repeat- killing themselves, has decided to take his own life. After trying repeat- edly and desperately to save Norm’s life, Jason — in this moment — edly and desperately to save Norm’s life, Jason — in this moment — asks Norm to save his own. asks Norm to save his own.

JASON: We’ll get in the car — And, and we’ll drive to this place where I vol- JASON: We’ll get in the car — And, and we’ll drive to this place where I volunteer. And they’ll see me and say, “I didn’t know you had a shift unteer. And they’ll see me and say, “I didn’t know you had a shift tonight,” and I’ll say “I don’t” and then that’ll sink and then they’ll tonight,” and I’ll say “I don’t” and then that’ll sink and then they’ll say . . . “Oh.” And then we’ll go to the waiting room, and we’ll probably say . . . “Oh.” And then we’ll go to the waiting room, and we’ll probably wait like an hour ’cause there’s only one counselor on call. And when it’s wait like an hour ’cause there’s only one counselor on call. And when it’s finally our turn, we’ll both walk up there, and they’ll tell us they typi- finally our turn, we’ll both walk up there, and they’ll tell us they typi- cally see one person at a time, and I’ll say you’ve been paying me to write cally see one person at a time, and I’ll say you’ve been paying me to write your suicide note, so it’s not exactly a typical situation. And then we’ll your suicide note, so it’s not exactly a typical situation. And then we’ll go in, and you’ll listen to me talk for a bit, and then if you want, you’ll go in, and you’ll listen to me talk for a bit, and then if you want, you’ll talk for a bit, and maybe that’ll help and maybe it won’t. And then we’ll talk for a bit, and maybe that’ll help and maybe it won’t. And then we’ll take off. And by then it’ll almost be morning, and if it’s OK, we’ll drive take off. And by then it’ll almost be morning, and if it’s OK, we’ll drive out to this breakfast place I know in the hills. I used to take my brother out to this breakfast place I know in the hills. I used to take my brother there after he’d pulled an all-nighter — and see, the thing is I used to there after he’d pulled an all-nighter — and see, the thing is I used to ride him about his schoolwork — I used to ride him so fucking hard . . ride him about his schoolwork — I used to ride him so fucking hard . . . But then I’d take him to this place for breakfast . . . And it was so . But then I’d take him to this place for breakfast . . . And it was so nice ’cause you’re up there in the hills and — God, I’d almost forgotten nice ’cause you’re up there in the hills and — God, I’d almost forgotten about this, you know? I mean, he loved this ’cause if you get there early about this, you know? I mean, he loved this ’cause if you get there early enough, and I think — you and me — I think we’ll get there while it’s enough, and I think — you and me — I think we’ll get there while it’s still dark. And see, if you get there early — the haze, it comes up over still dark. And see, if you get there early — the haze, it comes up over the hills and it just covers this place. I mean, in an instant, everywhere the hills and it just covers this place. I mean, in an instant, everywhere

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you look, it’s just white. And we’ll sit up there, you and me, right by the you look, it’s just white. And we’ll sit up there, you and me, right by the window, and we’ll look out and we won’t be able to see a thing. So we’ll window, and we’ll look out and we won’t be able to see a thing. So we’ll just sit there. And eat our breakfast. Drink our coffee. And after a little just sit there. And eat our breakfast. Drink our coffee. And after a little while, the haze’ll start to — I mean, there’s no sunrise, nothing big like while, the haze’ll start to — I mean, there’s no sunrise, nothing big like that. After the way the haze comes in, you expect some, like, break of that. After the way the haze comes in, you expect some, like, break of day, but it’s not, it just . . . It just gets a little lighter. And that’s all you day, but it’s not, it just . . . It just gets a little lighter. And that’s all you get to let you know the night’s over. get to let you know the night’s over.

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THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY THE RAPE PLAY Sheila Callaghan Sheila Callaghan More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Owen, twenties Owen, twenties

Owen, a slacker type, stares into a mirror. He dons a long evening gown Owen, a slacker type, stares into a mirror. He dons a long evening gown and takes a deep cleansing breath. He addresses himself. and takes a deep cleansing breath. He addresses himself.

OWEN: Come on, Owen. Get into it. SLUT SUPREME. OWEN: Come on, Owen. Get into it. SLUT SUPREME. (He opens a makeup bag and begins applying makeup, facing forward.) (He opens a makeup bag and begins applying makeup, facing forward.) I am so fucking pretty. I am so fucking fucking pretty, yo. Suckass. I am so fucking pretty. I am so fucking fucking pretty, yo. Suckass. You wanna suck lemons from my cheeks. I got fuckin’ mad pretty on my You wanna suck lemons from my cheeks. I got fuckin’ mad pretty on my shit. My pretty is like PROFOUND. It has emissions. Waves of pretty. shit. My pretty is like PROFOUND. It has emissions. Waves of pretty. I’m like a gas burner of pretty. Stick a pot on me, I’ll make it whistle. I’m like a gas burner of pretty. Stick a pot on me, I’ll make it whistle. Step the fuck off, right, ’cause my pretty will eat your soul. My pretty is Step the fuck off, right, ’cause my pretty will eat your soul. My pretty is a black hole. I am so pretty I drain all the ugly off you and wear it like a black hole. I am so pretty I drain all the ugly off you and wear it like a swimsuit. GODDAMN AM I PRETTY. Holy fucking shit. You can’t a swimsuit. GODDAMN AM I PRETTY. Holy fucking shit. You can’t stand it. You are like, she is so pretty I need to BASH her. I need to tear stand it. You are like, she is so pretty I need to BASH her. I need to tear her pubes out. I need to hate on her. That pretty is cancerous. That her pubes out. I need to hate on her. That pretty is cancerous. That pretty is a little iced cookie and I need to bite it. That pretty is TOXIC. pretty is a little iced cookie and I need to bite it. That pretty is TOXIC. That pretty boils in my gut, it eats me up, that pretty comes to me at That pretty boils in my gut, it eats me up, that pretty comes to me at night and scrapes all my tender spots. Soils my boxer briefs. That pretty night and scrapes all my tender spots. Soils my boxer briefs. That pretty is FUCKED UP, I need to poke through it with my thumbs, I need to is FUCKED UP, I need to poke through it with my thumbs, I need to fuck the joy out of that pretty. I want to kill that pretty. I want to kill fuck the joy out of that pretty. I want to kill that pretty. I want to kill that pretty. I want to kill that pretty. That’s what they say about me. that pretty. I want to kill that pretty. That’s what they say about me.

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THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY THE RAPE PLAY Sheila Callaghan Sheila Callaghan

Seriocomic Seriocomic Owen, twenties Owen, twenties

Owen, a slacker type, is in a hotel room talking to his best friend, Owen, a slacker type, is in a hotel room talking to his best friend, Rodney. He’s pitching his screenplay idea. Rodney. He’s pitching his screenplay idea.

OWEN: OK. So like, there’s the two chicks. They’re like sisters. Or half-sisters. OWEN: OK. So like, there’s the two chicks. They’re like sisters. Or half-sisters. They tell everyone that. And they are SO FUCKING HOT. So hot that They tell everyone that. And they are SO FUCKING HOT. So hot that like, your eyebrows get singed around them. Like too hot. And rude. So like, your eyebrows get singed around them. Like too hot. And rude. So rude that you like have to put them into a condom. I mean they are rude that you like have to put them into a condom. I mean they are SICK. Heavy shit, these two. And one is a bulimic. And the other is. SICK. Heavy shit, these two. And one is a bulimic. And the other is. I dunno. Puerto Rican or something. A real bulldog. Smart, ballsy. I dunno. Puerto Rican or something. A real bulldog. Smart, ballsy. Doesn’t take shit. One’s a secret lezzy. The PR. AND, she’s been fucking Doesn’t take shit. One’s a secret lezzy. The PR. AND, she’s been fucking the bulimic’s husband since they were sixteen. And they do coke off each the bulimic’s husband since they were sixteen. And they do coke off each other’s asses in front of some businessmen. At a dinner party. They’re other’s asses in front of some businessmen. At a dinner party. They’re strippers. EX-strippers. The PR girl got fucked over by the two busi- strippers. EX-strippers. The PR girl got fucked over by the two businessmen, which is why she hates men so bad. Which is why she’s fuck- nessmen, which is why she hates men so bad. Which is why she’s fucking her sister’s husband. Because she secretly hates him too. He has a ing her sister’s husband. Because she secretly hates him too. He has a back problem and a bowel problem. He has to wear a diaper. He fucks back problem and a bowel problem. He has to wear a diaper. He fucks her because (a) she’s SICK hot, and (b) he feels bad for her. Because she her because (a) she’s SICK hot, and (b) he feels bad for her. Because she has jaundice. Ho, wait. Hepatitis, not jaundice. I get them confused. So has jaundice. Ho, wait. Hepatitis, not jaundice. I get them confused. So like, then she accuses the husband of raping her, which is how the bu- like, then she accuses the husband of raping her, which is how the bulimic finds out they were fucking. There was no fucking rape. YET. But limic finds out they were fucking. There was no fucking rape. YET. But like, OK, so here’s the meat: One night PR is on the pole, right? And like, OK, so here’s the meat: One night PR is on the pole, right? And she’s workin’ it. Good night, bachelor party up front, Japanese suits in she’s workin’ it. Good night, bachelor party up front, Japanese suits in the back . . . In walks Bulimia. And Bulimia’s got this LOOK on her the back . . . In walks Bulimia. And Bulimia’s got this LOOK on her face, like a little . . . face, like a little . . . (Owen trembles his bottom lip. Girl voice:) (Owen trembles his bottom lip. Girl voice:) “Our baby sister got capped,” she says. “Some neo-con stuffed his “Our baby sister got capped,” she says. “Some neo-con stuffed his trunk full of shit and drove up outside this clinic. BOOOOM. They trunk full of shit and drove up outside this clinic. BOOOOM. They found part of her hanging from a telephone pole three blocks away. So found part of her hanging from a telephone pole three blocks away. So they stand there, and they DON’T EVEN CRY. No crying. Not even a they stand there, and they DON’T EVEN CRY. No crying. Not even a whimper. DIGNITY SUPREME. The PR just kind of turns to the cam- whimper. DIGNITY SUPREME. The PR just kind of turns to the cam-

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era and looks us dead in the eye and says, “IT’S ON.” So PR’s like the era and looks us dead in the eye and says, “IT’S ON.” So PR’s like the mastermind of the whole enterprise. She (a) makes the blog, (b) gets the mastermind of the whole enterprise. She (a) makes the blog, (b) gets the camera, and (c) buys the gun. She writes this long-ass manifesto — all camera, and (c) buys the gun. She writes this long-ass manifesto — all this shit about her uterus, the Internet, the FCC, et cetera. They pool all this shit about her uterus, the Internet, the FCC, et cetera. They pool all their stripper money together and procure a hoopty. They motor from their stripper money together and procure a hoopty. They motor from state to state and show up to all these pro-life conventions looking like state to state and show up to all these pro-life conventions looking like Grade A Tail. They bring home the sloppy dudes. Fuck ’em if they can Grade A Tail. They bring home the sloppy dudes. Fuck ’em if they can get wood. And THEN. get wood. And THEN. (Owen makes gun-fingers and pulls the trigger) (Owen makes gun-fingers and pulls the trigger) BANG! (Girl voice.) “Keep your laws off my fucking body!” There’s BANG! (Girl voice.) “Keep your laws off my fucking body!” There’s TOTALLY a market for this shit! These bitches with the blog, they’re TOTALLY a market for this shit! These bitches with the blog, they’re like female Dukes of Hazzard. Taking the law into their own hands. like female Dukes of Hazzard. Taking the law into their own hands. (Girl voice.) “Don’t fuck with me suckass or I will cut you!” I already (Girl voice.) “Don’t fuck with me suckass or I will cut you!” I already have a title. “An Unbearable Proposition.” And there’s more! So one have a title. “An Unbearable Proposition.” And there’s more! So one night they’re in Mississippi at this convention. Everything is swell. night they’re in Mississippi at this convention. Everything is swell. Dude’s getting sloppy, spilling Wild Turkey on his pants. They make the Dude’s getting sloppy, spilling Wild Turkey on his pants. They make the transaction. PR goes to her car to get change. Dude follows her out and transaction. PR goes to her car to get change. Dude follows her out and BEATS THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF HER. I mean she is TOTALLY BEATS THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF HER. I mean she is TOTALLY fucked up. Black eye, lip hanging. But of course she looks so fucking fucked up. Black eye, lip hanging. But of course she looks so fucking hot. So she’s there in the hospital, all fucked up and hot. And THEN hot. So she’s there in the hospital, all fucked up and hot. And THEN there’s rape. Lots of it. The orderly rapes the PR. And then the doctor. there’s rape. Lots of it. The orderly rapes the PR. And then the doctor. And then a male nurse. It’s one big bang-fest. And the dudes feel fuck- And then a male nurse. It’s one big bang-fest. And the dudes feel fucking AWFUL about it. But the PR lezzy NEVER FUCKING CRIES. ing AWFUL about it. But the PR lezzy NEVER FUCKING CRIES. She stands all shakey and bloody and dignified with her chin turned up, She stands all shakey and bloody and dignified with her chin turned up, and then the doctor who was the last to have her — he can’t look her in and then the doctor who was the last to have her — he can’t look her in the face, because this is like his greatest downfall, he’s like “Tragically the face, because this is like his greatest downfall, he’s like “Tragically Flawed Dude,” hubris and all that, he’s like Hamlet, right, and he thinks Flawed Dude,” hubris and all that, he’s like Hamlet, right, and he thinks about how in med school they never prepared you for the fuckable lost about how in med school they never prepared you for the fuckable lost ones, you know the ones who don’t actually look into your eyes but ones, you know the ones who don’t actually look into your eyes but through you as if you were a pile of ash because of all the fucked-up ru- through you as if you were a pile of ash because of all the fucked-up ru- inous shit from their past, a molestey stepdad or white slavery or what- inous shit from their past, a molestey stepdad or white slavery or whatever, so they gotta exact some foul revenge on you because you are (a) in ever, so they gotta exact some foul revenge on you because you are (a) in the way and (b) looking like someone who needs to be taken down, and the way and (b) looking like someone who needs to be taken down, and so they spread their damage on a shiny silver platter and say “munch it, so they spread their damage on a shiny silver platter and say “munch it, baby,” and you just can’t stop yourself because nothing tastes more deli- baby,” and you just can’t stop yourself because nothing tastes more deli- cious than a steaming hot mound of damage. So the doctor is thinking cious than a steaming hot mound of damage. So the doctor is thinking this shit, and then he thinks of his wife at home and his two sons, they’re this shit, and then he thinks of his wife at home and his two sons, they’re twins and they wear matching baseball pajamas to bed, and his wife lost twins and they wear matching baseball pajamas to bed, and his wife lost all the baby weight the second they popped out because she didn’t want all the baby weight the second they popped out because she didn’t want

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to be one of those lard asses in the Key Foods wearing sweatpants and a to be one of those lard asses in the Key Foods wearing sweatpants and a hairnet, and like she never leaves the house without makeup, and all his hairnet, and like she never leaves the house without makeup, and all his golf buddies are like “how the fuck did YOU land such a tasty beverage,” golf buddies are like “how the fuck did YOU land such a tasty beverage,” and he gets fake-mad at them, but he is secretly so fucking proud be- and he gets fake-mad at them, but he is secretly so fucking proud because he’s the only one of them who still gets regular blowjobs, and when cause he’s the only one of them who still gets regular blowjobs, and when he goes home that night she’ll be waiting for him on the porch drinking he goes home that night she’ll be waiting for him on the porch drinking a glass of white wine and smoking a jay, and she’ll offer him a hit and a glass of white wine and smoking a jay, and she’ll offer him a hit and ask him how his day was, and at that moment — AT THAT MO- ask him how his day was, and at that moment — AT THAT MO- MENT he’ll conjure that bloody fucking broken cunty bitch in her lit- MENT he’ll conjure that bloody fucking broken cunty bitch in her little hospital gown and her eyes made of ash and he will release her into tle hospital gown and her eyes made of ash and he will release her into the evening air and she will never enter his mind again. So this neuro- the evening air and she will never enter his mind again. So this neuro- surgeon is finishing up his rape, and he’s pulling up his scrubs and think- surgeon is finishing up his rape, and he’s pulling up his scrubs and thinking about his wife and not looking at PR, and PR tries to say something ing about his wife and not looking at PR, and PR tries to say something all significant like a supreme-like philosophical sentence or whatever, all significant like a supreme-like philosophical sentence or whatever, but he whispers “just go.” And walks out. And she’s left there alone in but he whispers “just go.” And walks out. And she’s left there alone in the room. And she stands up all wobbly on her colt legs, and her hospi- the room. And she stands up all wobbly on her colt legs, and her hospital gown is all open and you can see her titties, and then Bulimia shows tal gown is all open and you can see her titties, and then Bulimia shows up. And she looks at PR, all fucked up and raped. And she’s like, wait a up. And she looks at PR, all fucked up and raped. And she’s like, wait a second. I’m still sore about PR fucking my husband. But what she second. I’m still sore about PR fucking my husband. But what she DOESN’T know is — get this — is that PR fucked her husband to get DOESN’T know is — get this — is that PR fucked her husband to get the cash for their baby sister’s abortion! And Bulimia DOESN’T the cash for their baby sister’s abortion! And Bulimia DOESN’T KNOW! So Bulimia steps out of the room to quote-unquote “get a Diet KNOW! So Bulimia steps out of the room to quote-unquote “get a Diet Coke,” and comes back with a gat. BAM. Never saw her coming. Um Coke,” and comes back with a gat. BAM. Never saw her coming. Um wait. She’s not blind. She’s just normal. wait. She’s not blind. She’s just normal. (He types a little) (He types a little) And dykey. A little dykey. Wears dresses and thongs but likes to fuck And dykey. A little dykey. Wears dresses and thongs but likes to fuck girls. Some fucked-up shit chicks go through. Rape, and babies, and girls. Some fucked-up shit chicks go through. Rape, and babies, and stripping, and being objectified by the media . . . I want to write a movie stripping, and being objectified by the media . . . I want to write a movie my mom will be proud of. My mom is a strong fucking woman, homes. my mom will be proud of. My mom is a strong fucking woman, homes. Every time one of her ex-husbands dumps on her, she takes it like a pro. Every time one of her ex-husbands dumps on her, she takes it like a pro. Chin up. Pure class. Tablecloths and linens. That’s my mom. She’s my Chin up. Pure class. Tablecloths and linens. That’s my mom. She’s my hero, man. And you know who her hero is? hero, man. And you know who her hero is? (Points to TV.) (Points to TV.) Hanoi. Fucking. Jane. Hanoi. Fucking. Jane.

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THE THIRD STORY THE THIRD STORY Charles Busch Charles Busch More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Drew, twenties to thirties Drew, twenties to thirties

Drew is a failed Hollywood screenwriter in the 1940s. He’s been trying Drew is a failed Hollywood screenwriter in the 1940s. He’s been trying very hard to maintain his independence from his flamboyant screenwriter very hard to maintain his independence from his flamboyant screenwriter mother. Toward the end of the play and in this monologue, Drew gives up mother. Toward the end of the play and in this monologue, Drew gives up and reveals to his mother just how overwhelming his love is for her. and reveals to his mother just how overwhelming his love is for her.

DREW: Mother, I’ve got a story for you. A scorcher. . . . DREW: Mother, I’ve got a story for you. A scorcher. . . . Three years ago when I got that phone call that you’d been in the car Three years ago when I got that phone call that you’d been in the car accident, I drove to the hospital and found you in that horrible trauma accident, I drove to the hospital and found you in that horrible trauma room. There was still blood in your hair. They told me you were going to room. There was still blood in your hair. They told me you were going to die, and this wave of intense panic swept over me. What would happen die, and this wave of intense panic swept over me. What would happen to me if you were gone? How could I exist in a world without you? Well, to me if you were gone? How could I exist in a world without you? Well, I had to be admitted to the hospital too. The psychiatric wing . . . I had to be admitted to the hospital too. The psychiatric wing . . . After I left you, I started going buggy and was wandering around After I left you, I started going buggy and was wandering around downtown muttering to myself in a way that was making a lot of people downtown muttering to myself in a way that was making a lot of people extremely nervous. I don’t remember any of this, but evidently, I walked extremely nervous. I don’t remember any of this, but evidently, I walked into a department store and ended up in the ladies try-on room. I guess into a department store and ended up in the ladies try-on room. I guess I reverted back to when I was a little kid and you took me in there with I reverted back to when I was a little kid and you took me in there with you to get my opinion. The police came and carted me off to the men- you to get my opinion. The police came and carted me off to the mental ward . . . tal ward . . . And then it just went away. By the time you came out of the coma, And then it just went away. By the time you came out of the coma, I was strong enough to take care of you. . . . I was strong enough to take care of you. . . . I know I’ve been awful to you. I gripe and moan and accuse you of I know I’ve been awful to you. I gripe and moan and accuse you of every crime against humanity. And what’s the point? Some sort of half- every crime against humanity. And what’s the point? Some sort of half- hearted stab at independence? I moved all the way to Nebraska to get hearted stab at independence? I moved all the way to Nebraska to get away from you. Well, I give up. You’re the most fascinating person I’ll away from you. Well, I give up. You’re the most fascinating person I’ll ever know. I should just accept my fate and enjoy it. I’ll go back to Los ever know. I should just accept my fate and enjoy it. I’ll go back to Los Angeles with you . . . Angeles with you . . . I’m completely on the level. We always have fun together. I don’t I’m completely on the level. We always have fun together. I don’t know why I’m forever trying to fight it. And I’ll work on this outline know why I’m forever trying to fight it. And I’ll work on this outline

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with you. I can see the whole thing. Truly. The zombie, the lady scien- with you. I can see the whole thing. Truly. The zombie, the lady scien- tist . . . the mob queen. And she won’t be a grotesque harridan like the tist . . . the mob queen. And she won’t be a grotesque harridan like the mother in my play. The mob queen will have all sorts of color and shad- mother in my play. The mob queen will have all sorts of color and shad- ings. The mother in our movie will be a portrait you can be proud of. ings. The mother in our movie will be a portrait you can be proud of. Let’s keep going. Where were we? Let’s keep going. Where were we?

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TROJAN BARBIE TROJAN BARBIE Christine Evans Christine Evans More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Mica, twenties to thirties Mica, twenties to thirties

Mica is a soldier from Troy, New York, who’s been on tour far too long. Mica is a soldier from Troy, New York, who’s been on tour far too long. He’s a modern version of the eternal soldier — working class, sick of his He’s a modern version of the eternal soldier — working class, sick of his job, adrift in time. In ancient times, he’d have been one of Odysseus’s job, adrift in time. In ancient times, he’d have been one of Odysseus’s companions, trudging through different lands as the dream of home re- companions, trudging through different lands as the dream of home re- cedes. Here, he could be on his third repeat tour of Iraq. Mica has been cedes. Here, he could be on his third repeat tour of Iraq. Mica has been assigned to local spin, guarding the women’s camp, where he’s met Helen assigned to local spin, guarding the women’s camp, where he’s met Helen of Troy, whom he adores. Here, he addresses the people (audience) who of Troy, whom he adores. Here, he addresses the people (audience) who line up outside the wire, waiting for visas, food, water — until his own line up outside the wire, waiting for visas, food, water — until his own longing takes him elsewhere. longing takes him elsewhere.

MICA: As I was saying. We regret any casualties and the loss of innocent life. MICA: As I was saying. We regret any casualties and the loss of innocent life. Humanitarian priorities are high on our list. I ask for your patience with Humanitarian priorities are high on our list. I ask for your patience with the monumental changes we are installing. Rome wasn’t burned in a day. the monumental changes we are installing. Rome wasn’t burned in a day. Built. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Built. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Now, progress can be slow. But action isn’t everything. It’s being pre- Now, progress can be slow. But action isn’t everything. It’s being prepared for action that matters. Now that takes discipline, hanging round pared for action that matters. Now that takes discipline, hanging round day after day waiting for something to happen. The main event here is, day after day waiting for something to happen. The main event here is, the latrines overflow. That gets pretty exciting. A homemade tattoo gets the latrines overflow. That gets pretty exciting. A homemade tattoo gets infected. A bird lands looking for water. Or someone tries to hang her- infected. A bird lands looking for water. Or someone tries to hang herself in the tent. Then there’s the moaning and wailing. We let that pass, self in the tent. Then there’s the moaning and wailing. We let that pass, but we discourage the singing. Singing could lead to action. but we discourage the singing. Singing could lead to action. But there’s no action. But there’s no action. Any English speakers out there today? Any English speakers out there today? — Fuck. — Fuck. Well. These long tours of duty, it’s all about survival. Two simple rules: Well. These long tours of duty, it’s all about survival. Two simple rules: One: Compartmentalize. One: Compartmentalize. Two: Cover your ass. Two: Cover your ass. For instance, number one. Managing downtime. Well, there’s For instance, number one. Managing downtime. Well, there’s Helen. Fifty-seven percent of people meet their partners through work. Helen. Fifty-seven percent of people meet their partners through work. And I’ve got a stack of magazines, and I worked out how to link the And I’ve got a stack of magazines, and I worked out how to link the

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satellite phone to the nine hundred numbers back home. That helps, a satellite phone to the nine hundred numbers back home. That helps, a little. Knowing that the world’s still out there. little. Knowing that the world’s still out there. Man, I just can’t wait to be back home in Troy, New York. Man, I just can’t wait to be back home in Troy, New York. Walk down to the canal, past that big old statue of Uncle Sam. Walk down to the canal, past that big old statue of Uncle Sam. Past the old factories and new real estate offices. Past the old factories and new real estate offices. Taste real beer again. Taste real beer again. Play pool with the guys on Friday and lose half my paycheck. Play pool with the guys on Friday and lose half my paycheck. If any of them are still there. If any of them are still there. Not much action back home either, with the steelworks finished Not much action back home either, with the steelworks finished and half of us enlisted. After ten years away, you’re like a ghost, haunt- and half of us enlisted. After ten years away, you’re like a ghost, haunt- ing the streets of your own fucking life. ing the streets of your own fucking life. Maybe when I get home, I’ll just get a big black Humvee with the Maybe when I get home, I’ll just get a big black Humvee with the windows all blacked out. Tear up the map and head West. Drive for three windows all blacked out. Tear up the map and head West. Drive for three days ’til I hit the ocean and then just keep on going. Man, I’ve got so days ’til I hit the ocean and then just keep on going. Man, I’ve got so much grit in my eyes, they feel like they’ve been sandpapered. Feel like much grit in my eyes, they feel like they’ve been sandpapered. Feel like the whole of the Desert Storm happened right inside my eyeballs. I’m the whole of the Desert Storm happened right inside my eyeballs. I’m gonna wash them clean with blue, blue water. Let the sand slide away, gonna wash them clean with blue, blue water. Let the sand slide away, and the road, and the dry grit that coats your skin and gets in every crack. and the road, and the dry grit that coats your skin and gets in every crack. I’ll just step on the gas and drive into the wide blue smile of the sea. I’ll just step on the gas and drive into the wide blue smile of the sea. Helen makes me think of the sea. Helen makes me think of the sea. And after the first jolt as you hit the water, everything slows down And after the first jolt as you hit the water, everything slows down real smooth and peaceful. real smooth and peaceful. Fish swim past the windshield. Fish swim past the windshield. Maybe a lazy old shark will turn his head to say hello. Maybe a lazy old shark will turn his head to say hello. Seals. Seaweed. Seals. Seaweed. An old submarine blows bubbles at you from some long-forgotten war, An old submarine blows bubbles at you from some long-forgotten war, growing barnacles and leaking poison into the sea. growing barnacles and leaking poison into the sea. And slowly you sink down into the green And slowly you sink down into the green then the blue then the blue then the inky darkness then the inky darkness where only the giant squids live, blind and harmless. where only the giant squids live, blind and harmless. They won’t bother you, and no, they’re not winking They won’t bother you, and no, they’re not winking it’s just a trick of the last little dribble of light. it’s just a trick of the last little dribble of light. After a while the barnacles will build a home on the roof. After a while the barnacles will build a home on the roof. A few more years, and the little fish swim through your eye sockets A few more years, and the little fish swim through your eye sockets to hide from the sharks in the back of your skull. to hide from the sharks in the back of your skull. Still “protecting the weak” even here. Still “protecting the weak” even here. — Jesus. — Jesus. Maybe Helen will move out West with me. Maybe Helen will move out West with me.

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THE UNDERSTUDY THE UNDERSTUDY Theresa Rebeck Theresa Rebeck

Comic Comic Harry, thirties to forties Harry, thirties to forties

Harry is an actor who has been hired to understudy a film star in a Harry is an actor who has been hired to understudy a film star in a Broadway production of a recently discovered lost play by Kafka. Occa- Broadway production of a recently discovered lost play by Kafka. Occa- sionally, he addresses the audience directly, as he does here, talking about sionally, he addresses the audience directly, as he does here, talking about what an incoherent way acting is to make a living. what an incoherent way acting is to make a living.

HARRY: I know a lot of people who say we’re crazy. Crazy actors! Don’t date HARRY: I know a lot of people who say we’re crazy. Crazy actors! Don’t date an actor, they’re crazy! And I’m not actually in any position to argue that, an actor, they’re crazy! And I’m not actually in any position to argue that, given my personal history. My financial situation. The fact that I actually given my personal history. My financial situation. The fact that I actually had to change my name, we don’t need to get into why that happened, but had to change my name, we don’t need to get into why that happened, but it’s not actually a story that recommends acting as a sensible profession. I it’s not actually a story that recommends acting as a sensible profession. I mean, it’s great being an actor, when you get to do it, but it’s also incoher- mean, it’s great being an actor, when you get to do it, but it’s also incoherent. Incoherent is the right word honestly, it’s really not, as I think it’s ent. Incoherent is the right word honestly, it’s really not, as I think it’s clear, it’s not a mature choice in a lot of ways. But you know I worked in an clear, it’s not a mature choice in a lot of ways. But you know I worked in an office once. I was a temp? So I was doing temp things, answering phones, office once. I was a temp? So I was doing temp things, answering phones, typing up memos, and then for a while they had me adding numbers all typing up memos, and then for a while they had me adding numbers all day. Seriously, I sat in this cubicle with a little adding machine and tapped day. Seriously, I sat in this cubicle with a little adding machine and tapped in these numbers, I can’t remember why, but periodically this woman, her in these numbers, I can’t remember why, but periodically this woman, her name was Jane something, would come by my cubicle and just scream at me! name was Jane something, would come by my cubicle and just scream at me! Literally hold out slips of paper, and she would be in an utter rage and Literally hold out slips of paper, and she would be in an utter rage and I would think what what what? And it would be nothing. A number in I would think what what what? And it would be nothing. A number in the wrong place. One time I typed up a memo on the wrong color paper. the wrong place. One time I typed up a memo on the wrong color paper. Like that. So I know people think people who work in the theater are Like that. So I know people think people who work in the theater are crazy? But I’m not so sure we’re any worse than the rest of you. crazy? But I’m not so sure we’re any worse than the rest of you.

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THE UNSEEN THE UNSEEN Craig Wright Craig Wright

Dramatic Dramatic Wallace, could be any age Wallace, could be any age

Imprisoned by a totalitarian regime and mercilessly tortured for un- Imprisoned by a totalitarian regime and mercilessly tortured for un- known crimes, Wallace lives without hope of escape or release. His only known crimes, Wallace lives without hope of escape or release. His only human contact, other than his subhuman torturers, is an inmate in a human contact, other than his subhuman torturers, is an inmate in a nearby cell named Valdez. Wallace is paranoid and semidelusional, as nearby cell named Valdez. Wallace is paranoid and semidelusional, as he demonstrates here. he demonstrates here.

WALLACE: You could be hypnotized or programmed or somehow surgically al- WALLACE: You could be hypnotized or programmed or somehow surgically al- tered, Mister Valdez, and you could be taking everything in that I say and tered, Mister Valdez, and you could be taking everything in that I say and do without even realizing it, and you could be painstakingly, uncon- do without even realizing it, and you could be painstakingly, uncon- sciously recording it in a secret sector of your brain hidden even from sciously recording it in a secret sector of your brain hidden even from you, Mister Valdez — even from you. And then, when they take you to you, Mister Valdez — even from you. And then, when they take you to the room for treatment, they could activate that secret sector of your the room for treatment, they could activate that secret sector of your brain with a signatory word, for instance, or an electrode, or a pulsing brain with a signatory word, for instance, or an electrode, or a pulsing electromagnetic device of some sort, and thus make you talk and divulge electromagnetic device of some sort, and thus make you talk and divulge the contents of that secret sector of your brain that is hidden even from the contents of that secret sector of your brain that is hidden even from you, Mister Valdez — even from you. And then, once they’d extracted the you, Mister Valdez — even from you. And then, once they’d extracted the information, they could close the doors once more, and darken the long information, they could close the doors once more, and darken the long cerebral hallways leading to that secret sector of your brain hidden even cerebral hallways leading to that secret sector of your brain hidden even from you, Mister Valdez, even from you — and then they’d sweetly send from you, Mister Valdez, even from you — and then they’d sweetly send you back here to continue sponging up the messy information that’s con- you back here to continue sponging up the messy information that’s con- tinuously dripping from my mouth. In this manner, you could be a spy tinuously dripping from my mouth. In this manner, you could be a spy and you would not even know it. That’s the key. That’s the crux. That’s and you would not even know it. That’s the key. That’s the crux. That’s the nut. That’s the thing. It’s impossible, absolutely impossible, to know. the nut. That’s the thing. It’s impossible, absolutely impossible, to know.

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THE UNSEEN THE UNSEEN Craig Wright Craig Wright

Dramatic Dramatic Wallace, could be any age Wallace, could be any age

WALLACE: I’m exactly the opposite. I feel those are moments of great clarity. It’s WALLACE: I’m exactly the opposite. I feel those are moments of great clarity. It’s the rest of my life that’s confusing. The point is, from all these details and the rest of my life that’s confusing. The point is, from all these details and sensations and impressions, I have meticulously quilted together an ab- sensations and impressions, I have meticulously quilted together an absolutely uninterrupted fabric of conclusions, first and foremost of which is solutely uninterrupted fabric of conclusions, first and foremost of which is this: this prison, Mister Valdez, is structured like an immense, elaborate this: this prison, Mister Valdez, is structured like an immense, elaborate beehive. The world as we know it has a few basic structures in it, Mister beehive. The world as we know it has a few basic structures in it, Mister Valdez — a few basic structures that evolution has generated by chance, Valdez — a few basic structures that evolution has generated by chance, but which have proven their power over time to perform certain tasks in but which have proven their power over time to perform certain tasks in the ongoing work of making and maintaining reality as it continues to the ongoing work of making and maintaining reality as it continues to wetly unfold like water, and then like flannel, and then like flesh, and then wetly unfold like water, and then like flannel, and then like flesh, and then slowly but surely like crystals and iron as it concretizes into the visible ma- slowly but surely like crystals and iron as it concretizes into the visible material facts of physical history. Agreed? Provisionally? The symmetrical terial facts of physical history. Agreed? Provisionally? The symmetrical structure of the snowflake, for instance, or the structure of the vertebrate structure of the snowflake, for instance, or the structure of the vertebrate spine, for instance, all men and women of reason agree these can be taken spine, for instance, all men and women of reason agree these can be taken at this point as givens in this world — as can be the honeycombed struc- at this point as givens in this world — as can be the honeycombed structure of the beehive as nature’s primary model for housing a multiplicitous ture of the beehive as nature’s primary model for housing a multiplicitous population of discrete individuals in the smallest possible space. Witness population of discrete individuals in the smallest possible space. Witness the coliseum. Witness the skyscraper. Witness the ever-spreading structure the coliseum. Witness the skyscraper. Witness the ever-spreading structure of the modern megalopolis. We, as a species, are building ourselves, and of the modern megalopolis. We, as a species, are building ourselves, and have been since the beginning of time, a beehive. have been since the beginning of time, a beehive.

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THE UNSEEN THE UNSEEN Craig Wright Craig Wright

Dramatic Dramatic Smash, could be any age Smash, could be any age

Smash is a guard at a prison run by a totalitarian regime. He is telling Smash is a guard at a prison run by a totalitarian regime. He is telling two prisoners, whom he regularly tortures, about how he himself is tor- two prisoners, whom he regularly tortures, about how he himself is tortured by feelings of empathy for the tortured. tured by feelings of empathy for the tortured.

SMASH: Every morning I wake up and I tell myself I’m not gonna get drawn SMASH: Every morning I wake up and I tell myself I’m not gonna get drawn in. I tell myself, today, I’m just gonna come to work and do my job. But in. I tell myself, today, I’m just gonna come to work and do my job. But then I get here and — I don’t know what happens, I see your faces and then I get here and — I don’t know what happens, I see your faces and I get drawn in! I was thinking last night, laying in bed, we should just I get drawn in! I was thinking last night, laying in bed, we should just take out all your fucking eyes. It would make everything simpler. So I take out all your fucking eyes. It would make everything simpler. So I wouldn’t have to see what you were thinking all the time! So I wouldn’t wouldn’t have to see what you were thinking all the time! So I wouldn’t have to know you were always in, you know, pain! So I spent a few min- have to know you were always in, you know, pain! So I spent a few minutes last night, you know, just thinking out loud in bed with my wife, utes last night, you know, just thinking out loud in bed with my wife, trying to design a little machine that would, you know, remove people’s trying to design a little machine that would, you know, remove people’s eyes? Something simple we could maybe run people through when they eyes? Something simple we could maybe run people through when they first come in? I figured maybe I could design it, maybe show it to the first come in? I figured maybe I could design it, maybe show it to the people in charge, maybe make an impression, you know, get ahead? people in charge, maybe make an impression, you know, get ahead? Don’t worry, I’m not going to. Because then I realized, even if we took Don’t worry, I’m not going to. Because then I realized, even if we took out your eyes . . . ? You’d still be able to let people know what you were out your eyes . . . ? You’d still be able to let people know what you were thinking all the time, only then just with words, but I’d still be stuck thinking all the time, only then just with words, but I’d still be stuck knowing. All the time, knowing. I HATE IT! knowing. All the time, knowing. I HATE IT!

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UNUSUAL ACTS OF UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION DEVOTION Terrence McNally Terrence McNally More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Chick, thirties to forties Chick, thirties to forties

Chick and Leo have congregated on the rooftop of their Greenwich Vil- Chick and Leo have congregated on the rooftop of their Greenwich Vil- lage apartment building with other residents to celebrate the fifth wed- lage apartment building with other residents to celebrate the fifth wedding anniversary of a couple, Leo and Nadine, who also live there. ding anniversary of a couple, Leo and Nadine, who also live there. Chick is a gay, alcoholic tour guide. Chick is a gay, alcoholic tour guide.

CHICK: Stop right there. I’m not always the happiest camper on the planet but CHICK: Stop right there. I’m not always the happiest camper on the planet but I’m not the person you think I am. I have friends. Not as many as you, I’m not the person you think I am. I have friends. Not as many as you, maybe, but enough. I have a job I love. My evaluation said my joy in my maybe, but enough. I have a job I love. My evaluation said my joy in my work was infectious! Well, why not? I’m good at what I do. I can tell you work was infectious! Well, why not? I’m good at what I do. I can tell you anything about Manhattan you want to know. Ask me where Edna Saint anything about Manhattan you want to know. Ask me where Edna Saint Vincent Millay lived . . . Vincent Millay lived . . . Go on, ask me! . . . Go on, ask me! . . . Seventy-five and a half Bedford Street! She was the first woman to Seventy-five and a half Bedford Street! She was the first woman to win the Pulitzer Prize for poetry. You walk by her house every day on win the Pulitzer Prize for poetry. You walk by her house every day on your way to your club, but you didn’t know that, did you? . . . your way to your club, but you didn’t know that, did you? . . . And when was the last time you were in my apartment? Have you And when was the last time you were in my apartment? Have you seen how I repainted it? I had the sofa recovered in a very bold plaid. I’ve seen how I repainted it? I had the sofa recovered in a very bold plaid. I’ve got a new bed on order. One of those foam ones they advertise on tele- got a new bed on order. One of those foam ones they advertise on television. You sink into it, and within a week it fits the shape of your body, vision. You sink into it, and within a week it fits the shape of your body, so it’s like your own customized bed. I travel. I’m going to Thailand on so it’s like your own customized bed. I travel. I’m going to Thailand on my next vacation. I’m going to have my picture taken on an elephant in my next vacation. I’m going to have my picture taken on an elephant in front of the Royal Palace. I’ll send you a postcard. I read, I cook, I vote front of the Royal Palace. I’ll send you a postcard. I read, I cook, I vote in every election, even the ones that don’t count, what are they called? in every election, even the ones that don’t count, what are they called? Primaries! I was a good son to both my parents, and I’m a good sibling Primaries! I was a good son to both my parents, and I’m a good sibling to my sister, even though I can’t stand her. I’m healthy, I’ve got my hair, to my sister, even though I can’t stand her. I’m healthy, I’ve got my hair, and I’m very glad to be alive at this particular moment in the history of and I’m very glad to be alive at this particular moment in the history of the human race. Is that your profile of a sad and lonely man, Leo? It’s the human race. Is that your profile of a sad and lonely man, Leo? It’s not mine. not mine.

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SCENES SCENES

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CREATURE CREATURE Heidi Schrek Heidi Schrek

Dramatic Dramatic John, thirties to forties John, thirties to forties Father Thomas, thirties to forties Father Thomas, thirties to forties

John is a brewer whose wife, Margery, has decided to try and become a John is a brewer whose wife, Margery, has decided to try and become a living saint, which has not only interfered with their marriage but has living saint, which has not only interfered with their marriage but has led to whispers that, in fact, Margery is a Lollard (a heretic). Here, John led to whispers that, in fact, Margery is a Lollard (a heretic). Here, John demands that Father Thomas do something about his wife’s eccentric demands that Father Thomas do something about his wife’s eccentric behavior. (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dia- behavior. (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue overlaps the current one.) logue overlaps the current one.)

(Father Thomas’s cell. John is holding a bottle of beer. He is a little tipsy.) (Father Thomas’s cell. John is holding a bottle of beer. He is a little tipsy.) JOHN: I brought you our newest beer. JOHN: I brought you our newest beer. FATHER THOMAS: Thank you. FATHER THOMAS: Thank you. JOHN: Let’s share the bottle. JOHN: Let’s share the bottle. (Beat.) (Beat.) FATHER THOMAS: All right. FATHER THOMAS: All right. (Father Thomas opens the bottle and passes it to John. John takes a drink.) (Father Thomas opens the bottle and passes it to John. John takes a drink.) JOHN: How’s your life at St. James? JOHN: How’s your life at St. James? FATHER THOMAS: It’s well. FATHER THOMAS: It’s well. JOHN: You have a Christ-like love for all those smelly beggars? JOHN: You have a Christ-like love for all those smelly beggars? FATHER THOMAS: Actually, yes. FATHER THOMAS: Actually, yes. JOHN: In my opinion, the priests up there are a gang of pirates who steal from JOHN: In my opinion, the priests up there are a gang of pirates who steal from the poor. the poor. FATHER THOMAS: Ah. FATHER THOMAS: Ah. JOHN: I know I’m just a brewer, but in my view the church is overstepping JOHN: I know I’m just a brewer, but in my view the church is overstepping when it comes to indulgences — I can say that to you right? There are when it comes to indulgences — I can say that to you right? There are rumors that you’re bit of a . . . free thinker. rumors that you’re bit of a . . . free thinker. FATHER THOMAS: I support the church and the true Pope. FATHER THOMAS: I support the church and the true Pope. JOHN: Do you? That’s not what they say at the Guildhall. JOHN: Do you? That’s not what they say at the Guildhall. FATHER THOMAS: I don’t pay much attention to idle tongues. FATHER THOMAS: I don’t pay much attention to idle tongues. JOHN: Oh yes those of us who work for a living have idle tongues while you JOHN: Oh yes those of us who work for a living have idle tongues while you priests slave in service to God. Cheers. priests slave in service to God. Cheers. FATHER THOMAS: I thought the men at the Guildhall spent all their time getting FATHER THOMAS: I thought the men at the Guildhall spent all their time getting

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drunk while the poor slaved in service to them. Did you brew that beer drunk while the poor slaved in service to them. Did you brew that beer with your own hands, John? with your own hands, John? JOHN: I work taking care of my son because my wife is too busy loving God JOHN: I work taking care of my son because my wife is too busy loving God to love her family. to love her family. FATHER THOMAS: Did you want to discuss something specific? FATHER THOMAS: Did you want to discuss something specific? JOHN: Tell my wife she has to stop wearing white. JOHN: Tell my wife she has to stop wearing white. FATHER THOMAS: You know that Margery does as she pleases. FATHER THOMAS: You know that Margery does as she pleases. JOHN: The whole town is laughing at her. JOHN: The whole town is laughing at her. FATHER THOMAS: I’ll speak with her but — FATHER THOMAS: I’ll speak with her but — JOHN: She’s not married to Jesus Christ she’s married to me! JOHN: She’s not married to Jesus Christ she’s married to me! FATHER THOMAS: You need to be patient with her, John. FATHER THOMAS: You need to be patient with her, John. JOHN: Why? Why the hell should I be patient? Jesus Christ in purple robes? JOHN: Why? Why the hell should I be patient? Jesus Christ in purple robes? FATHER THOMAS: I believe her. FATHER THOMAS: I believe her. JOHN: Why? JOHN: Why? FATHER THOMAS: I’ve seen her tears. FATHER THOMAS: I’ve seen her tears. JOHN: Obviously you don’t have much experience with women. JOHN: Obviously you don’t have much experience with women. FATHER THOMAS: John / FATHER THOMAS: John / JOHN: She’s slippery! She’s a little snake! When I first met Margery, I thought, JOHN: She’s slippery! She’s a little snake! When I first met Margery, I thought, this girl is the most gorgeous thing God ever put on this earth, but I this girl is the most gorgeous thing God ever put on this earth, but I never thought she was honest! never thought she was honest! FATHER THOMAS: She is honest. FATHER THOMAS: She is honest. JOHN: No! She’s a woman and she’s beautiful and that’s not the same thing. JOHN: No! She’s a woman and she’s beautiful and that’s not the same thing. For God’s sakes, look deep into your heart Father. For God’s sakes, look deep into your heart Father. FATHER THOMAS: I look deep into my heart every day, John. FATHER THOMAS: I look deep into my heart every day, John. JOHN: And what do you see when you look in there? Some fucking woman! JOHN: And what do you see when you look in there? Some fucking woman! / The problem with women is they don’t have to be honest because / The problem with women is they don’t have to be honest because they’re beautiful! They are aren’t they? Aren’t they? Come on, Father, they’re beautiful! They are aren’t they? Aren’t they? Come on, Father, confess that you think women are beautiful! confess that you think women are beautiful! FATHER THOMAS: Please stop blaspheming. FATHER THOMAS: Please stop blaspheming. JOHN: They’re just so — Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. They’re incredible! With their JOHN: They’re just so — Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. They’re incredible! With their tits and their / tits and their / FATHER THOMAS: John / FATHER THOMAS: John / JOHN: tits! Oh God and their skin and their soft little — JOHN: tits! Oh God and their skin and their soft little — FATHER THOMAS: Please. FATHER THOMAS: Please. JOHN: What? Does it excite you too much? Is it painful to keep those vows JOHN: What? Does it excite you too much? Is it painful to keep those vows when you hear of other men’s exploits? when you hear of other men’s exploits? FATHER THOMAS: Actually, my mother is in the next room. FATHER THOMAS: Actually, my mother is in the next room. JOHN: Oh. (Beat.) Sorry. JOHN: Oh. (Beat.) Sorry.

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FATHER THOMAS: And I don’t like to hear of Margery talked about in that FATHER THOMAS: And I don’t like to hear of Margery talked about in that way. She’s much more to me — . way. She’s much more to me — . JOHN: (Whispering.) Much more to you? What do you think she is to me? And JOHN: (Whispering.) Much more to you? What do you think she is to me? And you’ve stolen her from me and turned her into the most boring woman you’ve stolen her from me and turned her into the most boring woman on earth. on earth. FATHER THOMAS: Your wife is not boring. FATHER THOMAS: Your wife is not boring. JOHN: Oh no. She isn’t? Weeping all day, refusing to eat with me, refusing to JOHN: Oh no. She isn’t? Weeping all day, refusing to eat with me, refusing to fuck me. Jumping out of bed in the middle of night to explain how fuck me. Jumping out of bed in the middle of night to explain how merry life in heaven is! merry life in heaven is! FATHER THOMAS: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN. FATHER THOMAS: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN. (Beat.) (Beat.) JOHN: Sorry. (Resentfully.) Do you like the beer? JOHN: Sorry. (Resentfully.) Do you like the beer? FATHER THOMAS: It’s quite good actually. FATHER THOMAS: It’s quite good actually. JOHN: (Softening.) There’s a bit of a burn but — thank you. This is the first JOHN: (Softening.) There’s a bit of a burn but — thank you. This is the first good batch we’ve had all year. We might have to close the business — good batch we’ve had all year. We might have to close the business — we’re nearly bankrupt. we’re nearly bankrupt. FATHER THOMAS: I’m sorry to hear that. FATHER THOMAS: I’m sorry to hear that. JOHN: Don’t be polite — I know the whole town is gossiping about JOHN: Don’t be polite — I know the whole town is gossiping about how demons have gotten into our horses, how God is punishing us. how demons have gotten into our horses, how God is punishing us. Whores / on the street scream “Witch!” when she walks outside / Whores / on the street scream “Witch!” when she walks outside / FATHER THOMAS: You need to be more careful with your — FATHER THOMAS: You need to be more careful with your — JOHN: and we’ve had five men quit because she makes the workers pray and JOHN: and we’ve had five men quit because she makes the workers pray and preaches to them in the evenings. preaches to them in the evenings. FATHER THOMAS: You have to tell her to stop preaching. It’s against the law. FATHER THOMAS: You have to tell her to stop preaching. It’s against the law. JOHN: She knows it’s against the law and she doesn’t care! And now her bitch JOHN: She knows it’s against the law and she doesn’t care! And now her bitch friend / friend / FATHER THOMAS: John FATHER THOMAS: John JOHN: Anne is telling all her other bitch friends that she’s a Lollard. JOHN: Anne is telling all her other bitch friends that she’s a Lollard. FATHER THOMAS: What? FATHER THOMAS: What? JOHN: Sorry. I know. I do penance for it every week. JOHN: Sorry. I know. I do penance for it every week. (Beat.) (Beat.) FATHER THOMAS: She’s not a Lollard. FATHER THOMAS: She’s not a Lollard. JOHN: No, she’s my wife! JOHN: No, she’s my wife! FATHER THOMAS: Who’s saying that she’s a — FATHER THOMAS: Who’s saying that she’s a — JOHN: Everybody! She’s got no friends left! She runs around babbling about JOHN: Everybody! She’s got no friends left! She runs around babbling about the music of heaven. the music of heaven. FATHER THOMAS: Has anyone accused her, though? I mean officially. FATHER THOMAS: Has anyone accused her, though? I mean officially. JOHN: What? JOHN: What? FATHER THOMAS: They just burned a man for being a Lollard. FATHER THOMAS: They just burned a man for being a Lollard.

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JOHN: Where? In France? JOHN: Where? In France? FATHER THOMAS: No! Nearby — in Smithfield. The bishops are rounding up FATHER THOMAS: No! Nearby — in Smithfield. The bishops are rounding up Lollards — Lollards — JOHN: My father-in-law was the mayor. No one’s going to burn his daughter. JOHN: My father-in-law was the mayor. No one’s going to burn his daughter. FATHER THOMAS: William Sautre was a chaplain. They don’t care who her fa- FATHER THOMAS: William Sautre was a chaplain. They don’t care who her father was. ther was. JOHN: Oh, calm down, Father. JOHN: Oh, calm down, Father. FATHER THOMAS: Have you ever smelled burning human flesh? FATHER THOMAS: Have you ever smelled burning human flesh? JOHN: No, but I hear it smells like pork. JOHN: No, but I hear it smells like pork. FATHER THOMAS: John. FATHER THOMAS: John. JOHN: It’s 1401. They don’t burn women anymore! JOHN: It’s 1401. They don’t burn women anymore! FATHER THOMAS: The law makes no exception for women. FATHER THOMAS: The law makes no exception for women. (Beat.) (Beat.) JOHN: Then stop teaching her things. JOHN: Then stop teaching her things. FATHER THOMAS: What? FATHER THOMAS: What? JOHN: Did you tell her she could wear white? JOHN: Did you tell her she could wear white? FATHER THOMAS: Not exactly. FATHER THOMAS: Not exactly. JOHN: And those sermons she’s preaching, does she get them from you? JOHN: And those sermons she’s preaching, does she get them from you? FATHER THOMAS: I don’t know. I read to her. FATHER THOMAS: I don’t know. I read to her. (Beat.) (Beat.) JOHN: Have you got children? JOHN: Have you got children? FATHER THOMAS: What? No. Of course not. FATHER THOMAS: What? No. Of course not. JOHN: And you’re going to heaven, right? JOHN: And you’re going to heaven, right? FATHER THOMAS: I hope so. FATHER THOMAS: I hope so. JOHN: So it’s not so terrible if they burn you. JOHN: So it’s not so terrible if they burn you. (Beat.) (Beat.) FATHER THOMAS: I’ll talk to her about the way she dresses. FATHER THOMAS: I’ll talk to her about the way she dresses. JOHN: Good. You can come by the house to do that. She doesn’t come here. JOHN: Good. You can come by the house to do that. She doesn’t come here. FATHER THOMAS: . . . I understand. FATHER THOMAS: . . . I understand. JOHN: Thank you. (Beat.) Can I ask you another question? JOHN: Thank you. (Beat.) Can I ask you another question? FATHER THOMAS: Yes. FATHER THOMAS: Yes. JOHN: Is it true that priests have extra large . . . merchandise? JOHN: Is it true that priests have extra large . . . merchandise? FATHER THOMAS: Are you drunk? FATHER THOMAS: Are you drunk? JOHN: There was some priest I heard about recently from Worms! He was JOHN: There was some priest I heard about recently from Worms! He was screwing a married woman, driving / her insane. It’s not only the size of screwing a married woman, driving / her insane. It’s not only the size of your wares, it’s that they have a special shape. your wares, it’s that they have a special shape. FATHER THOMAS: All right FATHER THOMAS: All right FATHER THOMAS: Good night and thank you for the beer. FATHER THOMAS: Good night and thank you for the beer. JOHN: I’m not that drunk! JOHN: I’m not that drunk!

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FATHER THOMAS: I’ll speak to Margery about the way she dresses. FATHER THOMAS: I’ll speak to Margery about the way she dresses. JOHN: (With real gratitude.) Thank you. Thank you, Father. I love her. JOHN: (With real gratitude.) Thank you. Thank you, Father. I love her. FATHER THOMAS: I know you do. FATHER THOMAS: I know you do. JOHN: I love her, Father. You care about her eternal soul, but I love her here JOHN: I love her, Father. You care about her eternal soul, but I love her here on earth. on earth. FATHER THOMAS: I understand. FATHER THOMAS: I understand. JOHN: You talk with her. JOHN: You talk with her. FATHER THOMAS: I will. FATHER THOMAS: I will. JOHN: Thank you. Thank you. JOHN: Thank you. Thank you. (John hugs Father Thomas tightly then lets him go.) (John hugs Father Thomas tightly then lets him go.) FATHER THOMAS: I do know that women are beautiful, John. FATHER THOMAS: I do know that women are beautiful, John. (John grabs Father Thomas.) (John grabs Father Thomas.) JOHN: Stay the hell away from my wife or we’ll chase you out of Lynn with JOHN: Stay the hell away from my wife or we’ll chase you out of Lynn with torches. I can do it, Father. They respect me. I’m a respected man. torches. I can do it, Father. They respect me. I’m a respected man.

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DREAMTIME DREAMTIME Maura Campbell Maura Campbell More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Willy, seventeen Willy, seventeen Noah, seventeen Noah, seventeen

Willy Ranger is checking out a Nazi recruitment website when his Willy Ranger is checking out a Nazi recruitment website when his friend Noah Stone enters with a special delivery box containing two friend Noah Stone enters with a special delivery box containing two military-style knives, and they begin to plot their way out of small-town military-style knives, and they begin to plot their way out of small-town boredom. boredom.

WILLY: You in or you out? WILLY: You in or you out? NOAH: I don’t know. NOAH: I don’t know. WILLY: They’d have to approve you, anyway. WILLY: They’d have to approve you, anyway. NOAH: Who’s going to approve you? NOAH: Who’s going to approve you? WILLY: You’re kidding, right? I’m perfect. I’m white — WILLY: You’re kidding, right? I’m perfect. I’m white — NOAH: I’m white — NOAH: I’m white — WILLY: I’m English and German, the operative word being German. You’re WILLY: I’m English and German, the operative word being German. You’re Irish as evidenced by the way your old man gets drunk on St. Paddy’s Irish as evidenced by the way your old man gets drunk on St. Paddy’s day, not to mention Monday, Tuesday — day, not to mention Monday, Tuesday — NOAH: What if they want you to kill someone? NOAH: What if they want you to kill someone? WILLY: They’re not monsters. Look, read what it says, “We are not monsters.” WILLY: They’re not monsters. Look, read what it says, “We are not monsters.” I just want the training. I just want the training. NOAH: Well . . . (He takes a box out of his backpack.) You can start with this. NOAH: Well . . . (He takes a box out of his backpack.) You can start with this. WILLY: They came? WILLY: They came? NOAH: Special delivery. NOAH: Special delivery. WILLY: Let’s have it! (Willy rips open the box. He takes out two large knives.) WILLY: Let’s have it! (Willy rips open the box. He takes out two large knives.) That’s what I’m talking about! That’s what I’m talking about! NOAH: Wow. I didn’t realize they would be so big. NOAH: Wow. I didn’t realize they would be so big. WILLY: Man, I can think of more than one person I’d like to show this to! You WILLY: Man, I can think of more than one person I’d like to show this to! You know, like the entire student council! know, like the entire student council! NOAH: These are serious. NOAH: These are serious. (Willy slowly removes his knife from its sheath. He feels the edge of the knife (Willy slowly removes his knife from its sheath. He feels the edge of the knife with his thumb.) with his thumb.)

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WILLY: Worth every penny. What’s the matter? WILLY: Worth every penny. What’s the matter? (He takes out two Velcro bands, gives one to Noah and puts the other on his (He takes out two Velcro bands, gives one to Noah and puts the other on his leg. Then he puts the knife inside.) leg. Then he puts the knife inside.) NOAH: Nothing. NOAH: Nothing. WILLY: Don’t you like them? WILLY: Don’t you like them? NOAH: Sure I do. I just think they’re kind of big. Heavy, you know? NOAH: Sure I do. I just think they’re kind of big. Heavy, you know? WILLY: Look, we studied this. We spent hours picking them out. WILLY: Look, we studied this. We spent hours picking them out. NOAH: I know, I know. It’s fine. It’s just on the computer screen they looked NOAH: I know, I know. It’s fine. It’s just on the computer screen they looked different. I was just kind of surprised. different. I was just kind of surprised. WILLY: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Check this out. (He walks around.) WILLY: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Check this out. (He walks around.) Now that is hot. Go on. Tell me if you can see it. Now that is hot. Go on. Tell me if you can see it. (Willy walks around. Noah laughs.) (Willy walks around. Noah laughs.) WILLY: What? WILLY: What? NOAH: I don’t know, you’re walking kind of funny. NOAH: I don’t know, you’re walking kind of funny. WILLY: There’s nothing funny about having a knife like this on you. (Beat.) I WILLY: There’s nothing funny about having a knife like this on you. (Beat.) I don’t like being laughed at. don’t like being laughed at. NOAH: Hey. I’m just fooling around. I never know with you. I never know NOAH: Hey. I’m just fooling around. I never know with you. I never know when you’re acting serious. when you’re acting serious. WILLY: What? WILLY: What? NOAH: Nothing. NOAH: Nothing. WILLY: Hey, I am just messing with you. WILLY: Hey, I am just messing with you. NOAH: It doesn’t feel like it. NOAH: It doesn’t feel like it. WILLY: I got something for you. (Willy opens his backpack.) Early Christmas WILLY: I got something for you. (Willy opens his backpack.) Early Christmas present. present. (He hands Noah a folder. Noah opens it.) (He hands Noah a folder. Noah opens it.) NOAH: Is this the chemistry test? NOAH: Is this the chemistry test? WILLY: No. That’s the chemistry answer sheet. WILLY: No. That’s the chemistry answer sheet. NOAH: Jesus, Willy! How did you get this? NOAH: Jesus, Willy! How did you get this? WILLY: Very carefully. Actually, it was just lying on Mr. Prescott’s desk. WILLY: Very carefully. Actually, it was just lying on Mr. Prescott’s desk. So . . . I picked it up. So . . . I picked it up. NOAH: Won’t he miss it? NOAH: Won’t he miss it? WILLY: Maybe. But so what? He knows the answers. He’s been giving tests for WILLY: Maybe. But so what? He knows the answers. He’s been giving tests for a hundred years. a hundred years. NOAH: You’re saving my life. NOAH: You’re saving my life. WILLY: What do you want to do this weekend? Besides memorize that thing. WILLY: What do you want to do this weekend? Besides memorize that thing. NOAH: I don’t know. My sister’s home for Thanksgiving. NOAH: I don’t know. My sister’s home for Thanksgiving. WILLY: Uh-huh. The Jacobs are out of town. WILLY: Uh-huh. The Jacobs are out of town. NOAH: So? NOAH: So? WILLY: So I’m thinking maybe we’ll hang out at their house. I’ve got a key. WILLY: So I’m thinking maybe we’ll hang out at their house. I’ve got a key.

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NOAH: Did you ask them? NOAH: Did you ask them? WILLY: I work for them! I would just say we were checking on the place. WILLY: I work for them! I would just say we were checking on the place. Come on, Noah. The hot tub. The big screen. Come on, Noah. The hot tub. The big screen. NOAH: (Excited.) The bar . . . NOAH: (Excited.) The bar . . . WILLY: The bar . . . Sarah and Kelsey . . . Hey, let’s try these out. You know WILLY: The bar . . . Sarah and Kelsey . . . Hey, let’s try these out. You know the Miller’s dog? the Miller’s dog? NOAH: Yeah? What? NOAH: Yeah? What? WILLY: Let’s get it. WILLY: Let’s get it. NOAH: What are you talking about? NOAH: What are you talking about? WILLY: It’s old. It can barely walk. WILLY: It’s old. It can barely walk. NOAH: I’m not killing a dog. NOAH: I’m not killing a dog. WILLY: Look, we have to know what these can do. In case we ever need them. WILLY: Look, we have to know what these can do. In case we ever need them. NOAH: I’m not killing a dog, Willy! NOAH: I’m not killing a dog, Willy! WILLY: All it does is bark. (Beat.) Jesus, Noah! I’m just kidding. I’m just test- WILLY: All it does is bark. (Beat.) Jesus, Noah! I’m just kidding. I’m just test- ing you. Come on, you think I’d kill a dog? Lighten up. ing you. Come on, you think I’d kill a dog? Lighten up. NOAH: I’ve got to go to the store. NOAH: I’ve got to go to the store. WILLY: I feel like climbing. God, it’s so claustrophobic in this town! Let’s go WILLY: I feel like climbing. God, it’s so claustrophobic in this town! Let’s go to Burlington. to Burlington. NOAH: My mom has to make the stuffing — NOAH: My mom has to make the stuffing — WILLY: OK, look, I just need to pick something up. We’ll be back in two WILLY: OK, look, I just need to pick something up. We’ll be back in two hours. When does she need to make the stuffing? Thanksgiving’s not hours. When does she need to make the stuffing? Thanksgiving’s not until tomorrow! until tomorrow! NOAH: She’s — I don’t know, I’m supposed to get the celery — NOAH: She’s — I don’t know, I’m supposed to get the celery — WILLY: Fuck it. Let’s go to the gym. WILLY: Fuck it. Let’s go to the gym. NOAH: Fuck it. I’m going to the store. NOAH: Fuck it. I’m going to the store. WILLY: We’re climbing. Then we’re going to the store. WILLY: We’re climbing. Then we’re going to the store.

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Dramatic Dramatic Stephen, midtwenties Stephen, midtwenties Paul, midforties Paul, midforties

Paul is the campaign manager for a presidential candidate. Stephen is Paul is the campaign manager for a presidential candidate. Stephen is the press secretary. The campaign is floundering, and Stephen has just the press secretary. The campaign is floundering, and Stephen has just done something really stupid — or has he? (Note: A backslash [/] indi- done something really stupid — or has he? (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue overlaps the current one.) cates where the next line of dialogue overlaps the current one.)

(The main terminal at the Des Moines Airport. Stephen is waiting ner- (The main terminal at the Des Moines Airport. Stephen is waiting ner- vously. Paul approaches him from behind, pulling his roll-away suitcase.) vously. Paul approaches him from behind, pulling his roll-away suitcase.) PAUL: Boo! PAUL: Boo! (Stephen whips around, startled.) (Stephen whips around, startled.) STEPHEN: Paul. STEPHEN: Paul. (Paul sets his suitcase aside, pulls a tin of chewing tobacco out of his back (Paul sets his suitcase aside, pulls a tin of chewing tobacco out of his back pocket, and wedges some chew in his cheek.) pocket, and wedges some chew in his cheek.) PAUL: Been fucking dying the last six hours. Rude to spit into a cup when PAUL: Been fucking dying the last six hours. Rude to spit into a cup when someone’s sittin next to you. I need to find another addiction is what I someone’s sittin next to you. I need to find another addiction is what I need to do. This snow — we circled so many times I thought they were need to do. This snow — we circled so many times I thought they were gonna reroute us to fuckin’ Omaha. How long you been waiting? gonna reroute us to fuckin’ Omaha. How long you been waiting? STEPHEN: Couple of hours. STEPHEN: Couple of hours. PAUL: Sorry you had to wait. PAUL: Sorry you had to wait. STEPHEN: Don’t worry about it. STEPHEN: Don’t worry about it. PAUL: Nice of you to come out here and pick me up. I coulda gotten a cab, PAUL: Nice of you to come out here and pick me up. I coulda gotten a cab, you know. you know. STEPHEN: Well I got a rental this morning, so . . . STEPHEN: Well I got a rental this morning, so . . . PAUL: I hope not an expensive one. PAUL: I hope not an expensive one. STEPHEN: On my own dime. STEPHEN: On my own dime. PAUL: You shouldn’tve done that. If you needed a car we could’ve — PAUL: You shouldn’tve done that. If you needed a car we could’ve — STEPHEN: We need to talk. STEPHEN: We need to talk. PAUL: You’re sounding way too serious. PAUL: You’re sounding way too serious. STEPHEN: What’d Thompson say? STEPHEN: What’d Thompson say?

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PAUL: Cocksucker said he’s having second thoughts. PAUL: Cocksucker said he’s having second thoughts. STEPHEN: Fuck. STEPHEN: Fuck. PAUL: I know. Thought this trip was to seal it, but I get to his house this PAUL: I know. Thought this trip was to seal it, but I get to his house this morning, and he starts throwin’ up smoke right and left, says he wants morning, and he starts throwin’ up smoke right and left, says he wants to see how things pan out in Iowa. I almost rip him a new asshole, but to see how things pan out in Iowa. I almost rip him a new asshole, but I stop myself. I ask him — why’d you have me fly all the way out here I stop myself. I ask him — why’d you have me fly all the way out here just to tell me you’re not sure? He says he needs more info — what our just to tell me you’re not sure? He says he needs more info — what our strategy is over the next ten days, all this shit. strategy is over the next ten days, all this shit. STEPHEN: Did you tell him? STEPHEN: Did you tell him? PAUL: Course I told him. Talked his ear off for an hour — exactly how we’re PAUL: Course I told him. Talked his ear off for an hour — exactly how we’re gonna take Iowa, every single fucking step. And still no dice. gonna take Iowa, every single fucking step. And still no dice. STEPHEN: This is bad Paul. STEPHEN: This is bad Paul. PAUL: What is? PAUL: What is? STEPHEN: Thompson’s not gonna endorse. STEPHEN: Thompson’s not gonna endorse. PAUL: He’s just playin’ a little hard to get. PAUL: He’s just playin’ a little hard to get. STEPHEN: No Paul — he’s definitely not gonna endorse. STEPHEN: No Paul — he’s definitely not gonna endorse. PAUL: What are you talking about? PAUL: What are you talking about? STEPHEN: He’s gonna endorse Pullman three days out. Fuck — I should have STEPHEN: He’s gonna endorse Pullman three days out. Fuck — I should have called you last night, but I was hoping it wasn’t true. I should have — called you last night, but I was hoping it wasn’t true. I should have — PAUL: Wo wo wo — slow down. PAUL: Wo wo wo — slow down. STEPHEN: I met with Tom Duffy last night. STEPHEN: I met with Tom Duffy last night. PAUL: You what? PAUL: You what? STEPHEN: He called me just after you left for the airport and asked to meet. STEPHEN: He called me just after you left for the airport and asked to meet. I asked what it was about, and he said it was really important. So I did. I asked what it was about, and he said it was really important. So I did. I met with him. Shit, I shoud’ve called / you. I — I met with him. Shit, I shoud’ve called / you. I — PAUL: Stop. Let me get this straight. You met with Tom Duffy? PAUL: Stop. Let me get this straight. You met with Tom Duffy? STEPHEN: Yes. STEPHEN: Yes. PAUL: What’d he want? PAUL: What’d he want? STEPHEN: Well first he — look — the gist of it is he wants to hire me. He STEPHEN: Well first he — look — the gist of it is he wants to hire me. He wants me to jump ship and come work for him. This is bad, Paul. He wants me to jump ship and come work for him. This is bad, Paul. He showed me poll numbers with Pullman already ahead by four. They’ve showed me poll numbers with Pullman already ahead by four. They’ve been telling their supporters to pose as Morris people to the pollsters. been telling their supporters to pose as Morris people to the pollsters. We’re in really deep fucking trouble. We’re in really deep fucking trouble. PAUL: That can’t be true. He was playing mind games with you. PAUL: That can’t be true. He was playing mind games with you. STEPHEN: He laid out their whole plan. Robo-calls, traffic jams, fake lit, and STEPHEN: He laid out their whole plan. Robo-calls, traffic jams, fake lit, and fucking Thompson. Promised him secretary of labor and told him to fucking Thompson. Promised him secretary of labor and told him to lead us on. Everything you told him last night’s gonna go straight to lead us on. Everything you told him last night’s gonna go straight to Duffy’s ear. Duffy’s ear.

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PAUL: If this is some sort of practical — I mean — my fucking blood pres- PAUL: If this is some sort of practical — I mean — my fucking blood pressure is going through the roof right now. sure is going through the roof right now. STEPHEN: I’m sorry, Paul. I really should have called / you. STEPHEN: I’m sorry, Paul. I really should have called / you. PAUL: This happened last night? PAUL: This happened last night? STEPHEN: Just before the press conference. STEPHEN: Just before the press conference. PAUL: And you didn’t fucking call me? PAUL: And you didn’t fucking call me? STEPHEN: I’m sorry Paul. I — I don’t know. I guess I thought — I thought STEPHEN: I’m sorry Paul. I — I don’t know. I guess I thought — I thought maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe / he was — maybe it wasn’t true. Maybe / he was — PAUL: Jesus Steve. I can’t believe you didn’t — PAUL: Jesus Steve. I can’t believe you didn’t — STEPHEN: I know I know I know. Look — I was scared. I was scared and to- STEPHEN: I know I know I know. Look — I was scared. I was scared and totally confused and I thought — tally confused and I thought — PAUL: It doesn’t fucking matter what you thought. It matters what you did. It PAUL: It doesn’t fucking matter what you thought. It matters what you did. It matters what you didn’t do. If all this shit is true, I made a fucking ass of matters what you didn’t do. If all this shit is true, I made a fucking ass of myself at Thompson’s place. And I gave away our whole goddamn strat- myself at Thompson’s place. And I gave away our whole goddamn strategy. Just handed it over. Do you realize what this — do you have any egy. Just handed it over. Do you realize what this — do you have any fucking idea? fucking idea? STEPHEN: I know Paul. Believe me. But it’s like — like I was paralyzed. I STEPHEN: I know Paul. Believe me. But it’s like — like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know if it was even worth telling you about if — if you came didn’t know if it was even worth telling you about if — if you came back and said — yeah — Thompson’s in the bag, but . . . fuck Paul. I back and said — yeah — Thompson’s in the bag, but . . . fuck Paul. I don’t know. don’t know. PAUL: I sure as hell hope you were gonna tell me even if I came back and — PAUL: I sure as hell hope you were gonna tell me even if I came back and — STEPHEN: Of course! Yes. I just — STEPHEN: Of course! Yes. I just — PAUL: ’Cause I mean, if you were planning on keeping this secret — PAUL: ’Cause I mean, if you were planning on keeping this secret — STEPHEN: No! Not at all. That’s why I’m telling you now. STEPHEN: No! Not at all. That’s why I’m telling you now. PAUL: After I tell you Thompson said no. PAUL: After I tell you Thompson said no. STEPHEN: Seriously Paul, that’s why I’m here now. To tell you. To — STEPHEN: Seriously Paul, that’s why I’m here now. To tell you. To — PAUL: A little late now, don’t you think? After I — PAUL: A little late now, don’t you think? After I — STEPHEN: You know me Paul. You know I would never — I really should have STEPHEN: You know me Paul. You know I would never — I really should have called last night. I should have and I didn’t. called last night. I should have and I didn’t. PAUL: You’re fucking right you should have. You don’t meet secretly with the PAUL: You’re fucking right you should have. You don’t meet secretly with the other guy’s campaign manager and not fucking tell me about it. You other guy’s campaign manager and not fucking tell me about it. You don’t get a fucking call from the other guy’s manager and not tell me. don’t get a fucking call from the other guy’s manager and not tell me. STEPHEN: This is the first time Paul. The first time I’ve ever really fucked up. STEPHEN: This is the first time Paul. The first time I’ve ever really fucked up. And I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. And I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. PAUL: It’s a pretty big goddamn fuck-up whether it’s your first time or not. I PAUL: It’s a pretty big goddamn fuck-up whether it’s your first time or not. I mean if we lose here, if we lose — then we’re both out of a job. mean if we lose here, if we lose — then we’re both out of a job. STEPHEN: We can figure this out. There has to be a way to figure this out. STEPHEN: We can figure this out. There has to be a way to figure this out. PAUL: We better figure this the fuck out. PAUL: We better figure this the fuck out. STEPHEN: Paul. Please. You gotta forgive me on this. I feel like absolute shit. STEPHEN: Paul. Please. You gotta forgive me on this. I feel like absolute shit.

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I feel terrible. Last night, I was so — you want to know the truth? I was I feel terrible. Last night, I was so — you want to know the truth? I was so wound up about this shit that I went out and got wasted. Totally so wound up about this shit that I went out and got wasted. Totally wasted. Drank myself to oblivion. Slept with some girl I shouldn’t have. wasted. Drank myself to oblivion. Slept with some girl I shouldn’t have. I dealt with this completely the wrong way. So I’m coming clean now. I I dealt with this completely the wrong way. So I’m coming clean now. I came out to the airport to tell you this so we can figure it out. I know if came out to the airport to tell you this so we can figure it out. I know if we put our heads together and we — Goddamnit! I’m sorry. I am so so we put our heads together and we — Goddamnit! I’m sorry. I am so so so — so — PAUL: Steve. PAUL: Steve. STEPHEN: I am so sorry. I feel like I’m — I feel like — STEPHEN: I am so sorry. I feel like I’m — I feel like — PAUL: Steve. Stop. It’s OK. PAUL: Steve. Stop. It’s OK. STEPHEN: No it isn’t. STEPHEN: No it isn’t. PAUL: It is. It’s OK. You’re right. We can figure it out. You did the right thing. PAUL: It is. It’s OK. You’re right. We can figure it out. You did the right thing. You told me, which means that we can do something about it. You told me, which means that we can do something about it. STEPHEN: I know there’s a way. STEPHEN: I know there’s a way. PAUL: There’s always a way. So take a breath and get yourself together. I need PAUL: There’s always a way. So take a breath and get yourself together. I need you at your best on this. you at your best on this. STEPHEN: I don’t want you to think — I mean — I respect the hell out of you STEPHEN: I don’t want you to think — I mean — I respect the hell out of you and your respect is something I — and your respect is something I — PAUL: You and I are still OK, all right? It’s been me and you from the begin- PAUL: You and I are still OK, all right? It’s been me and you from the beginning on this thing, and I got a little upset, but that’s just because all of ning on this thing, and I got a little upset, but that’s just because all of this — it’s a bit of a shock to me. You’re allowed your one fuck-up. So this — it’s a bit of a shock to me. You’re allowed your one fuck-up. So now let’s get past that and get to work. Sound good? now let’s get past that and get to work. Sound good? STEPHEN: Yeah. STEPHEN: Yeah. PAUL: Good. Now. First thing we have to do is get to that fucking event in — PAUL: Good. Now. First thing we have to do is get to that fucking event in — where is it? where is it? STEPHEN: Cedar Rapids. STEPHEN: Cedar Rapids. PAUL: Cedar Rapids. We got to get to that event in Cedar Rapids so I can PAUL: Cedar Rapids. We got to get to that event in Cedar Rapids so I can break this all to the governor. You can fill me in on the drive out there. break this all to the governor. You can fill me in on the drive out there. STEPHEN: He’s gonna flip. STEPHEN: He’s gonna flip. PAUL: He’ll be fine. I know how to handle him. You just do your job and deal PAUL: He’ll be fine. I know how to handle him. You just do your job and deal with the press. with the press. STEPHEN: I can do that. STEPHEN: I can do that. PAUL: Of course you can. PAUL: Of course you can. STEPHEN: Thanks Paul. Really. I mean — STEPHEN: Thanks Paul. Really. I mean — PAUL: Don’t thank me. Just win me this fucking state. PAUL: Don’t thank me. Just win me this fucking state.

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THE GOOD NEGRO THE GOOD NEGRO Tracey Scott Wilson Tracey Scott Wilson

Dramatic Dramatic James, thirties James, thirties Pelzie, twenties Pelzie, twenties

James is a charismatic civil-rights activist modeled on Martin Luther James is a charismatic civil-rights activist modeled on Martin Luther King Jr. Pelzie’s house has been bombed, killing his infant daughter. He King Jr. Pelzie’s house has been bombed, killing his infant daughter. He blames James for stirring up trouble and does not want him to attend blames James for stirring up trouble and does not want him to attend his daughter’s funeral. his daughter’s funeral.

JAMES: I been thinking about you, praying for you. How are you? How is JAMES: I been thinking about you, praying for you. How are you? How is Claudette? Claudette? PELZIE: She ain’t good. But better. Little bit PELZIE: She ain’t good. But better. Little bit (Pause.) (Pause.) JAMES: How can I help you? What do you need? Anything. Anything at all. JAMES: How can I help you? What do you need? Anything. Anything at all. PELZIE: You ain’t speaking at the baby’s funeral PELZIE: You ain’t speaking at the baby’s funeral JAMES: I respect your wishes. I didn’t come for that. JAMES: I respect your wishes. I didn’t come for that. PELZIE: Not you or any of your peoples. We’s getting our own man. PELZIE: Not you or any of your peoples. We’s getting our own man. JAMES: I understand that. I didn’t come to ask you about that. I came to offer JAMES: I understand that. I didn’t come to ask you about that. I came to offer myself, my help in any other way, behind the scenes. myself, my help in any other way, behind the scenes. PELZIE: I can’t stop you from comin’ to the funeral but you ain’t saying a PELZIE: I can’t stop you from comin’ to the funeral but you ain’t saying a damn thing. damn thing. JAMES: Mr. Sullivan, I am not going to participate. I understand that clearly. JAMES: Mr. Sullivan, I am not going to participate. I understand that clearly. PELZIE: But not ’cause it your fault like ’dette say. I don’t believe it your fault PELZIE: But not ’cause it your fault like ’dette say. I don’t believe it your fault or the Movement fault. or the Movement fault. JAMES: All right. I appreciate you saying that. JAMES: All right. I appreciate you saying that. PELZIE: I ain’t saying that for you. I come to know some things. PELZIE: I ain’t saying that for you. I come to know some things. (Pause.) (Pause.) First, I ain’t figure why ya’ll was helpin’ me and ’dette, then dat First, I ain’t figure why ya’ll was helpin’ me and ’dette, then dat Rutherford come round and I see. Ya’ll figured ’dette was good for ya’ll Rutherford come round and I see. Ya’ll figured ’dette was good for ya’ll cause she look nice and talk nice. A good Negro woman for all the peo- cause she look nice and talk nice. A good Negro woman for all the peoples. That what ya’ll saw. You ain’t know her at all. She a good Negro ples. That what ya’ll saw. You ain’t know her at all. She a good Negro woman, but not ’cause ya’ll say so. And now Shelly. She good for ya’ll woman, but not ’cause ya’ll say so. And now Shelly. She good for ya’ll too. ’Cause she just a baby. Can’t nobody say ’bout her you ain’t talking too. ’Cause she just a baby. Can’t nobody say ’bout her you ain’t talking right or walking right or looking right. ’Cause she just a baby. But ya’ll right or walking right or looking right. ’Cause she just a baby. But ya’ll

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ain’t know her either. You ain’t know ’dette and you ain’t know Shelly. ain’t know her either. You ain’t know ’dette and you ain’t know Shelly. Dat’s why you can’t speak at the funeral. You hear me Reverend? Dat’s why you can’t speak at the funeral. You hear me Reverend? JAMES: Yes. JAMES: Yes. PELZIE: Even the white folks sorry ’bout this. They coming up to me crying. PELZIE: Even the white folks sorry ’bout this. They coming up to me crying. Next week they back to calling me nigger. Next week they back to calling me nigger. JAMES: I am very sorry. I will never be able to express how sorry I am. I JAMES: I am very sorry. I will never be able to express how sorry I am. I didn’t want to use anyone. We are all perfect in God’s eyes. didn’t want to use anyone. We are all perfect in God’s eyes. PELZIE: Preacher talk. PELZIE: Preacher talk. JAMES: Your daughter’s death will not be in vain. This horrible, horrible thing JAMES: Your daughter’s death will not be in vain. This horrible, horrible thing has shown folks how evil segregation is and . . . I . . . has shown folks how evil segregation is and . . . I . . . PELZIE: Preacher talk, preacher talk, preacher talk, preacher talk. PELZIE: Preacher talk, preacher talk, preacher talk, preacher talk. (Pause.) (Pause.) JAMES: (Continued.) It will not be in vain. JAMES: (Continued.) It will not be in vain. (Pause.) (Pause.) JAMES: I wanted to let you know we’re going to Florida for a while to work JAMES: I wanted to let you know we’re going to Florida for a while to work with some students there. with some students there. PELZIE: Florida PELZIE: Florida JAMES: We’ll be back in Birmingham but . . . This fight is every where. JAMES: We’ll be back in Birmingham but . . . This fight is every where. PELZIE: You needs to stay here. PELZIE: You needs to stay here. JAMES: We won’t be gone long. In the meantime, the mayor has promised to JAMES: We won’t be gone long. In the meantime, the mayor has promised to appoint a biracial committee. appoint a biracial committee. PELZIE: The mayor? Ain’t he the one say I set my house on fire? He gonna do PELZIE: The mayor? Ain’t he the one say I set my house on fire? He gonna do what? what? JAMES: We’ll see this fight through. JAMES: We’ll see this fight through. PELZIE: You ain’t coming back. PELZIE: You ain’t coming back. JAMES: No. I will be back. JAMES: No. I will be back. PELZIE: When? When you coming back? PELZIE: When? When you coming back? JAMES: When the time is right. JAMES: When the time is right. PELZIE: When dat? You gonna finds you another Shelly another ’dette? Den PELZIE: When dat? You gonna finds you another Shelly another ’dette? Den what? what? JAMES: Please. I don’t want to . . . I’m going to leave now JAMES: Please. I don’t want to . . . I’m going to leave now (Pelzie blocks James’s exit.) (Pelzie blocks James’s exit.) JAMES: I don’t want to upset you. JAMES: I don’t want to upset you. PELZIE: What more upsetting den my dead baby? PELZIE: What more upsetting den my dead baby? JAMES: The whole world is watching. They are waiting for us to fuck it up. JAMES: The whole world is watching. They are waiting for us to fuck it up. They are waiting for us to talk wrong, walk wrong, be wrong, and then They are waiting for us to talk wrong, walk wrong, be wrong, and then they can say see? Look at them niggers. No better than animals. No bet- they can say see? Look at them niggers. No better than animals. No better. I told you so. ter. I told you so. PELZIE: White people don’t be talking right or walking right. PELZIE: White people don’t be talking right or walking right.

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JAMES: No, but they got their rights already JAMES: No, but they got their rights already PELZIE: So you tell ’em dat. Tell ’em we just like you and we can have the PELZIE: So you tell ’em dat. Tell ’em we just like you and we can have the same things you be having. Tell them dat Reverend. same things you be having. Tell them dat Reverend. JAMES: It’s more complicated than that. JAMES: It’s more complicated than that. PELZIE: No, it ain’t. I knows what you saying and I’s still asking you. We’s PELZIE: No, it ain’t. I knows what you saying and I’s still asking you. We’s askin’ you. I speaking for ’dette now, but that what we’s askin’ you to do askin’ you. I speaking for ’dette now, but that what we’s askin’ you to do for us. Stays here and fight. for us. Stays here and fight. JAMES: I promise you . . . JAMES: I promise you . . . PELZIE: ’Cause we good enough. We good enough Reverend. You ain’t gonna PELZIE: ’Cause we good enough. We good enough Reverend. You ain’t gonna find nobody better than ’dette, better than Shelly. You ain’t gonna find find nobody better than ’dette, better than Shelly. You ain’t gonna find nothing that ain’t here already so just stay here and fight. Do that for us. nothing that ain’t here already so just stay here and fight. Do that for us. For Shelly. Stays here and fight. For Shelly. Stays here and fight.

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LIONS LIONS Vince Melocchi Vince Melocchi

Dramatic Dramatic Spook, thirties Spook, thirties Artie, twenties Artie, twenties

We are in a sports bar in Detroit. Spook has recently lost his job. Artie We are in a sports bar in Detroit. Spook has recently lost his job. Artie has been gone a while but comes back. He has a job. has been gone a while but comes back. He has a job.

ARTIE: . . . says, “Artie, I really appreciate this. Really.” An’ I say, “Apprecia- ARTIE: . . . says, “Artie, I really appreciate this. Really.” An’ I say, “Apprecia- tion don’t put nothin’ in my front pocket. Let’s see some scratch.” tion don’t put nothin’ in my front pocket. Let’s see some scratch.” SPOOK: No shit! SPOOK: No shit! ARTIE: Fuck ’em. Everything got a price, Johnny ARTIE: Fuck ’em. Everything got a price, Johnny SPOOK: Guess. SPOOK: Guess. ARTIE: Yeah. Fuck, yeah. (Beat.) How you doin’? ARTIE: Yeah. Fuck, yeah. (Beat.) How you doin’? SPOOK: Good. Real good. SPOOK: Good. Real good. ARTIE: Nice. Know, I haven’t seen you in what? Four, five years. ARTIE: Nice. Know, I haven’t seen you in what? Four, five years. SPOOK: Since seventy-six, so six years. SPOOK: Since seventy-six, so six years. ARTIE: Six years? Wow. But, it’s like I talked to you yesterday. You don’t ARTIE: Six years? Wow. But, it’s like I talked to you yesterday. You don’t change. (Off his reaction.) I mean that in a good way. change. (Off his reaction.) I mean that in a good way. SPOOK: Thanks. SPOOK: Thanks. ARTIE: Know who did change? Lori Palm. ARTIE: Know who did change? Lori Palm. SPOOK: Where’d you — SPOOK: Where’d you — ARTIE: — happened to her? She looks — ARTIE: — happened to her? She looks — SPOOK: Drinks too much. All she does is drink an’ collect welfare checks. SPOOK: Drinks too much. All she does is drink an’ collect welfare checks. ARTIE: Ooohhh . . . ARTIE: Ooohhh . . . SPOOK: I look at her, I think, “Get a job, already.” How tough can it be? SPOOK: I look at her, I think, “Get a job, already.” How tough can it be? ARTIE: Nice. (Beat.) So what’s this “Spook” shit? ARTIE: Nice. (Beat.) So what’s this “Spook” shit? SPOOK: Guys over Elias started callin’ me Spook ’cause I’d always disappear SPOOK: Guys over Elias started callin’ me Spook ’cause I’d always disappear on certain jobs . . . so, Spook . . . like Casper the ghost an’ shit. on certain jobs . . . so, Spook . . . like Casper the ghost an’ shit. ARTIE: I’ll stick with Johnny. ARTIE: I’ll stick with Johnny. SPOOK: Call me asshole, just get your point across. SPOOK: Call me asshole, just get your point across. ARTIE: Asshole. ARTIE: Asshole. SPOOK: There ya go! SPOOK: There ya go! (They share a laugh.) (They share a laugh.) SPOOK: . . . two, side. (Misses.) Fuck me in the ass. SPOOK: . . . two, side. (Misses.) Fuck me in the ass.

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ARTIE: How are things at the screw factory? ARTIE: How are things at the screw factory? SPOOK: Elias is great! Just got promoted. Was workin’ the press, but now I SPOOK: Elias is great! Just got promoted. Was workin’ the press, but now I oversee them an’ at. oversee them an’ at. ARTIE: Wearin’ a tie? ARTIE: Wearin’ a tie? SPOOK: No, fuck that. I ain’t no suit. (Beat.) Nothin’ personal. SPOOK: No, fuck that. I ain’t no suit. (Beat.) Nothin’ personal. ARTIE: I get it. ARTIE: I get it. SPOOK: Seventy-five cent an hour raise. Two weeks vacation. Five sick days a SPOOK: Seventy-five cent an hour raise. Two weeks vacation. Five sick days a year. Weekends, most holidays off. Paid. Twelve bucks an hour. Back in year. Weekends, most holidays off. Paid. Twelve bucks an hour. Back in school who’d a thought I’d be makin’ that kind a cash? school who’d a thought I’d be makin’ that kind a cash? ARTIE: Nice. ARTIE: Nice. SPOOK: Best thing is . . . I always got a case of beers inna backseat and a bag SPOOK: Best thing is . . . I always got a case of beers inna backseat and a bag of pot inna glove. of pot inna glove. ARTIE: Important. ARTIE: Important. SPOOK: Laugh, but it is. SPOOK: Laugh, but it is. ARTIE: I’m not laughing . . . it is. (Beat.) So, what else? Still followin’ the ARTIE: I’m not laughing . . . it is. (Beat.) So, what else? Still followin’ the Lions? Lions? SPOOK: This is our year, man. Big tailgate party before the game Sunday. SPOOK: This is our year, man. Big tailgate party before the game Sunday. Wanna come by? Wanna come by? ARTIE: Thanks, but I’m gone tomorrow. ARTIE: Thanks, but I’m gone tomorrow. SPOOK: Fast. SPOOK: Fast. ARTIE: Business. Time is money, and all that shit. ARTIE: Business. Time is money, and all that shit. SPOOK: Fuckin’ suit. SPOOK: Fuckin’ suit. ARTIE: Blow me, mister twelve bucks an’ hour an’ paid holidays. ARTIE: Blow me, mister twelve bucks an’ hour an’ paid holidays. SPOOK: Right. So what exactly you doin’ now? Sports management or SPOOK: Right. So what exactly you doin’ now? Sports management or somethin’? somethin’? ARTIE: A-S-M. American Sports Management. Did an internship. A lot of ARTIE: A-S-M. American Sports Management. Did an internship. A lot of work for little or no pay, but the perks are great. Meet a lot of players. work for little or no pay, but the perks are great. Meet a lot of players. Agents. Like that. Agents. Like that. SPOOK: Like? SPOOK: Like? ARTIE: Like Dor-sett. ARTIE: Like Dor-sett. SPOOK: Tony Dorsett? SPOOK: Tony Dorsett? ARTIE: Pronounces it Dor-sett, now. ARTIE: Pronounces it Dor-sett, now. SPOOK: Huh? SPOOK: Huh? ARTIE: Incredible fuckin’ asshole, too. ARTIE: Incredible fuckin’ asshole, too. SPOOK: No! SPOOK: No! ARTIE: Yeah. ARTIE: Yeah. SPOOK: Fuck me! You met Dorsett? SPOOK: Fuck me! You met Dorsett? ARTIE: Used to like the prick. ARTIE: Used to like the prick. SPOOK: Sucks. Who else? SPOOK: Sucks. Who else?

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ARTIE: Bruce Smith. ARTIE: Bruce Smith. SPOOK: No! SPOOK: No! ARTIE: Matt Millen. ARTIE: Matt Millen. SPOOK: Matt fuckin’ Millen! From the Raiders! SPOOK: Matt fuckin’ Millen! From the Raiders! ARTIE: Yeah. ARTIE: Yeah. SPOOK: Tell me he’s a good guy — SPOOK: Tell me he’s a good guy — ARTIE: Yeah, he’s OK. Know who’s really nice? Billy Sims. ARTIE: Yeah, he’s OK. Know who’s really nice? Billy Sims. SPOOK: Our Billy Sims!? SPOOK: Our Billy Sims!? ARTIE: How many are there? ARTIE: How many are there? SPOOK: Yeah, just . . . wow. So fuckin’ jealous. Kill to be in your shoes. SPOOK: Yeah, just . . . wow. So fuckin’ jealous. Kill to be in your shoes. ARTIE: Yeah? ARTIE: Yeah? SPOOK: Fuck, yeah. SPOOK: Fuck, yeah. ARTIE: It’s a lot of hard work, but yeah . . . the perks are sweet. Long hours, ARTIE: It’s a lot of hard work, but yeah . . . the perks are sweet. Long hours, boss is kind of a dick . . . boss is kind of a dick . . . SPOOK: Still. Billy Sims. Matt Millen. SPOOK: Still. Billy Sims. Matt Millen. ARTIE: Problem is, guys don’t know shit about sports. Know business . . . but ARTIE: Problem is, guys don’t know shit about sports. Know business . . . but not sports. not sports. SPOOK: Huh. SPOOK: Huh. ARTIE: An’ in order to make money. Real money. You gotta know sports. ARTIE: An’ in order to make money. Real money. You gotta know sports. Know sports, the money comes rollin’ in. Know sports, the money comes rollin’ in. (Artie pulls out a wad of money and peals off a twenty. He notices Spook eye- (Artie pulls out a wad of money and peals off a twenty. He notices Spook eye- ing the cash.) ing the cash.) ARTIE: Chump change, John. Grab us a couple. You fly, I’ll buy. ARTIE: Chump change, John. Grab us a couple. You fly, I’ll buy.

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NEXT FALL NEXT FALL Geoffrey Nauffts Geoffrey Nauffts

Dramatic Dramatic Adam, midforties Adam, midforties Luke, twenties Luke, twenties

Adam and Luke have just become lovers. The next morning, at break- Adam and Luke have just become lovers. The next morning, at breakfast, Luke prays, which startles Adam, who doesn’t understand how a fast, Luke prays, which startles Adam, who doesn’t understand how a gay guy can also be a committed Christian. gay guy can also be a committed Christian.

ADAM: What was that? ADAM: What was that? LUKE: What was what? LUKE: What was what? ADAM: Where’d you go just then? ADAM: Where’d you go just then? LUKE: I was praying. LUKE: I was praying. ADAM: You mean, crystals and chakras? Like a Deepak Chopra kind of thing? ADAM: You mean, crystals and chakras? Like a Deepak Chopra kind of thing? LUKE: Not really. LUKE: Not really. ADAM: Then, who were you praying to? ADAM: Then, who were you praying to? LUKE: God. LUKE: God. (The honeymoon just ended. Luke takes a big bite of food: Adam smiles, ner- (The honeymoon just ended. Luke takes a big bite of food: Adam smiles, ner- vously.) vously.) LUKE: Yum. LUKE: Yum. ADAM: Is that an everyday occurrence? ADAM: Is that an everyday occurrence? LUKE: Pretty much. LUKE: Pretty much. ADAM: So, you’re what, then . . . You’re . . . ADAM: So, you’re what, then . . . You’re . . . LUKE: A Christian. LUKE: A Christian. ADAM: OK. ADAM: OK. (Adam tries to proceed with breakfast as usual.) (Adam tries to proceed with breakfast as usual.) LUKE: Does that freak you out? LUKE: Does that freak you out? ADAM: Does it freak me out? ADAM: Does it freak me out? LUKE: Yeah. LUKE: Yeah. ADAM: Why would it freak me out? ADAM: Why would it freak me out? LUKE: No reason . . . Why? What are you? LUKE: No reason . . . Why? What are you? ADAM: What am I? ADAM: What am I? LUKE: Besides a vamper. LUKE: Besides a vamper. ADAM: Nothing . . . I don’t know. I didn’t really grow up with a religion. ADAM: Nothing . . . I don’t know. I didn’t really grow up with a religion. (Luke stabs a tomato and pops it in his mouth.) (Luke stabs a tomato and pops it in his mouth.)

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LUKE: These tomatoes are fierce. I don’t care what you say. LUKE: These tomatoes are fierce. I don’t care what you say. ADAM: You’re gay though, right? ADAM: You’re gay though, right? LUKE: Uh . . . whose earlobes do you think you were nibbling all night? LUKE: Uh . . . whose earlobes do you think you were nibbling all night? ADAM: I know, but don’t Christians consider that a sin? ADAM: I know, but don’t Christians consider that a sin? LUKE: Uh-huh. LUKE: Uh-huh. (Luke stabs another tomato and pops it in Adam’s mouth.) (Luke stabs another tomato and pops it in Adam’s mouth.) ADAM: So, how does that work, then? ADAM: So, how does that work, then? LUKE: How does what work? LUKE: How does what work? ADAM: Being gay and . . . you know . . . ADAM: Being gay and . . . you know . . . LUKE: This is gonna be a problem, isn’t it? LUKE: This is gonna be a problem, isn’t it? ADAM: No . . . I’m . . . I just . . . ADAM: No . . . I’m . . . I just . . . LUKE: We’re all sinners, Adam. We all struggle with one thing or another. LUKE: We’re all sinners, Adam. We all struggle with one thing or another. That one just happens to be mine. That one just happens to be mine. ADAM: Do you atone then, is that what you do? ADAM: Do you atone then, is that what you do? LUKE: You really want to talk about this? LUKE: You really want to talk about this? ADAM: Sure. ADAM: Sure. LUKE: (Matter-of-fact.) You accept Christ as the son of God. That he died on LUKE: (Matter-of-fact.) You accept Christ as the son of God. That he died on the cross for all your sins. the cross for all your sins. ADAM: That’s it? ADAM: That’s it? LUKE: Pretty much. LUKE: Pretty much. ADAM: And you’ll go to heaven? ADAM: And you’ll go to heaven? LUKE: If you believe. If you truly believe. LUKE: If you believe. If you truly believe. ADAM: And you do? ADAM: And you do? LUKE: Uh-huh. (A beat.) LUKE: Uh-huh. (A beat.) ADAM: Then how come you continue to sin? I mean, and don’t get me wrong, ADAM: Then how come you continue to sin? I mean, and don’t get me wrong, that was some amazing sinning we just did, I look forward to more, but that was some amazing sinning we just did, I look forward to more, but you sinned a lot. You sinned more than I did. you sinned a lot. You sinned more than I did. LUKE: I was hoping we could sin again after breakfast. LUKE: I was hoping we could sin again after breakfast. ADAM: You didn’t answer my question. ADAM: You didn’t answer my question. LUKE: It’s human nature. We can’t escape it. But as long as you’ve accepted LUKE: It’s human nature. We can’t escape it. But as long as you’ve accepted Christ . . . Christ . . . (Another beat.) (Another beat.) ADAM: Is that why you didn’t introduce me to your mom last night? ADAM: Is that why you didn’t introduce me to your mom last night? LUKE: I didn’t? LUKE: I didn’t? ADAM: Nope. ADAM: Nope. LUKE: Might have had a little something to do with it. LUKE: Might have had a little something to do with it. (Luke starts clearing the table.) (Luke starts clearing the table.) ADAM: So, let me see if I got this right. I’m assuming sin is sin. And if your ADAM: So, let me see if I got this right. I’m assuming sin is sin. And if your sin is having sex with men, and my sin is, say, killing men who have sex sin is having sex with men, and my sin is, say, killing men who have sex

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with men, then as long as I’ve accepted Christ as my Savior, I’ll go to with men, then as long as I’ve accepted Christ as my Savior, I’ll go to heaven with you? heaven with you? LUKE: Killing men who have sex with men? You mean, like Jeffrey Dalmer? LUKE: Killing men who have sex with men? You mean, like Jeffrey Dalmer? ADAM: Yeah . . . Well, no. Because he killed them, then he ate them. Plus, he ADAM: Yeah . . . Well, no. Because he killed them, then he ate them. Plus, he had sex with them too, so no, not him. had sex with them too, so no, not him. LUKE: Like who then? LUKE: Like who then? ADAM: (Thinking.) The guys who killed Matthew Shepard. ADAM: (Thinking.) The guys who killed Matthew Shepard. (A beat.) (A beat.) LUKE: Technically, yes. LUKE: Technically, yes. ADAM: Not only that, but I can continue to kill men who have sex with men, ADAM: Not only that, but I can continue to kill men who have sex with men, much as you continue to have sex with men, every day for the rest of my much as you continue to have sex with men, every day for the rest of my life, and still go to heaven? life, and still go to heaven? LUKE: Well . . . LUKE: Well . . . ADAM: It’s just a hypothesis. ADAM: It’s just a hypothesis. LUKE: I know it sounds terrible, but . . . yes. LUKE: I know it sounds terrible, but . . . yes. ADAM: Huh. ADAM: Huh. (Another beat.) (Another beat.) ADAM: So then, if Matthew Shepard hadn’t accepted Jesus Christ before he ADAM: So then, if Matthew Shepard hadn’t accepted Jesus Christ before he died, he’s in hell, and his killers who, say, have, are going to heaven? Is died, he’s in hell, and his killers who, say, have, are going to heaven? Is that what you’re saying? that what you’re saying? (Luke stands there with his arms full.) (Luke stands there with his arms full.) LUKE: Can we change the subject? LUKE: Can we change the subject?

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OUR HOUSE OUR HOUSE Theresa Rebeck Theresa Rebeck

Comic Comic Wes, forties Wes, forties Stu, forties Stu, forties

Wes is the head of programming for a major television network. Stu is Wes is the head of programming for a major television network. Stu is his news director. While discussing a young female reporter whom they his news director. While discussing a young female reporter whom they plan to make a star by putting her on a reality show, Wes vents about plan to make a star by putting her on a reality show, Wes vents about the FCC requirement that TV networks have to broadcast news. It loses the FCC requirement that TV networks have to broadcast news. It loses money, and nobody watches it anyway. Stu, something of a toady, tries money, and nobody watches it anyway. Stu, something of a toady, tries to mollify him. to mollify him.

(Stu and Wes watch from his office.) (Stu and Wes watch from his office.) WES: You think her hair looks all right? You don’t think it’s too short do you? WES: You think her hair looks all right? You don’t think it’s too short do you? STU: Looks fine to me. STU: Looks fine to me. WES: I think it’s kind of, I mean I love it, but in the Midwest you know what WES: I think it’s kind of, I mean I love it, but in the Midwest you know what they’re all saying. Lesbian! Lesbian! they’re all saying. Lesbian! Lesbian! STU: So what’s the question? Do I think Jennifer looks like a lesbian? STU: So what’s the question? Do I think Jennifer looks like a lesbian? WES: God no, we know she doesn’t look like a lesbian. What about her WES: God no, we know she doesn’t look like a lesbian. What about her breasts? I mean they’re beautiful but a little more cleavage is never a bad breasts? I mean they’re beautiful but a little more cleavage is never a bad thing. Don’t they have bras with little pumps on them? We should look thing. Don’t they have bras with little pumps on them? We should look into that. into that. STU: I think she looks great. STU: I think she looks great. WES: No arguments from me on that. She looks great, she is great. Nose WES: No arguments from me on that. She looks great, she is great. Nose might be too perfect That’s what they say in the chat rooms. Her nose is might be too perfect That’s what they say in the chat rooms. Her nose is too perfect! What can I do? She’s perfect. Giving two thousand percent. too perfect! What can I do? She’s perfect. Giving two thousand percent. Nevertheless, the numbers still suck. Nevertheless, the numbers still suck. STU: The numbers are good, Wes. STU: The numbers are good, Wes. WES: Don’t tell me the numbers are good, Stu. I can’t sell shit on the morn- WES: Don’t tell me the numbers are good, Stu. I can’t sell shit on the morning news, excuse me that’s not true, I can sell slightly more shit on the ing news, excuse me that’s not true, I can sell slightly more shit on the morning news than I can on the evening news, but the going price for morning news than I can on the evening news, but the going price for shit is shit. Christ. Americans like optimism. The news division bleeds shit is shit. Christ. Americans like optimism. The news division bleeds money, I’m throwing everything I can at it, Jennifer Ramirez, the hottest money, I’m throwing everything I can at it, Jennifer Ramirez, the hottest anchor on the air, and I still can’t pull it out of the red. Maybe if I had anchor on the air, and I still can’t pull it out of the red. Maybe if I had her, you know, take her clothes off while she was reading the copy. Just her, you know, take her clothes off while she was reading the copy. Just

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kidding, but you know they did that in Europe and it got people to kidding, but you know they did that in Europe and it got people to watch. watch. STU: I’m sure it did. STU: I’m sure it did. WES: I wouldn’t do that but it would work. WES: I wouldn’t do that but it would work. STU: But you wouldn’t do that. STU: But you wouldn’t do that. WES: But I might fucking think about it. Christ! The fucking news. It’s just a WES: But I might fucking think about it. Christ! The fucking news. It’s just a flicking loser, no matter what you do; it needs to be canceled altogether. flicking loser, no matter what you do; it needs to be canceled altogether. You can’t make it work? Then you cancel it. We are fucking canceling all You can’t make it work? Then you cancel it. We are fucking canceling all of it. of it. STU: You can’t cancel the news. Wes. STU: You can’t cancel the news. Wes. WES: What did you say? Did you say “can’t”? WES: What did you say? Did you say “can’t”? STU: Wes, come on, it’s in our contract wit the FCC. STU: Wes, come on, it’s in our contract wit the FCC. WES: The fucking FCC. You think I give a shit about the FCC? They’re flick- WES: The fucking FCC. You think I give a shit about the FCC? They’re flicking morons ing morons STU: The network’s contract with the FCC states clearly — STU: The network’s contract with the FCC states clearly — WES: Do not fucking lecture me about my own flicking network! Do you WES: Do not fucking lecture me about my own flicking network! Do you want to keep working here or not? want to keep working here or not? STU: My point being, Wes, that the airwaves, the deal we have with the gov- STU: My point being, Wes, that the airwaves, the deal we have with the gov- ernment is that we get the airwaves for free. ernment is that we get the airwaves for free. WES: Nothing’s for free in this country. WES: Nothing’s for free in this country. STU: Well, precisely. That’s the deal. They give us the airwaves, we are STU: Well, precisely. That’s the deal. They give us the airwaves, we are required by law to present a certain number of hours a week, of news required by law to present a certain number of hours a week, of news coverage. coverage. WES: Well, then they should pay for it. Has anyone looked into this? The WES: Well, then they should pay for it. Has anyone looked into this? The news division loses money hand over fist. You know why? Because no- news division loses money hand over fist. You know why? Because nobody gives a shit about the news. body gives a shit about the news. STU: I don’t agree with you. STU: I don’t agree with you. WES: You don’t what? WES: You don’t what? STU: People care, people . . . want to know . . . the world . . . we don’t want STU: People care, people . . . want to know . . . the world . . . we don’t want to to be alone. We want to know . . . our neighbors. to to be alone. We want to know . . . our neighbors. WES: You’re fired. WES: You’re fired. STU: God, Wes, no. I am not disagreeing with you, I see the force of your STU: God, Wes, no. I am not disagreeing with you, I see the force of your argument — argument — WES: You’re fired! WES: You’re fired! STU: (Suddenly forceful.) But whether or not you’re right doesn’t matter! The STU: (Suddenly forceful.) But whether or not you’re right doesn’t matter! The fact is, we get the airwaves for free. In exchange for that, we have to pro- fact is, we get the airwaves for free. In exchange for that, we have to provide news. Period. End of story. It’s the law. vide news. Period. End of story. It’s the law. You cannot — you CANNOT cancel the news. You cannot — you CANNOT cancel the news.

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And you can’t, God, for that matter you can’t dumb it down any- And you can’t, God, for that matter you can’t dumb it down anymore, you’ve dumbed it down so far what’s left of it mostly resembles a more, you’ve dumbed it down so far what’s left of it mostly resembles a catfood commercial. catfood commercial. WES: Hey I do what I’m forced to do. People like cats. WES: Hey I do what I’m forced to do. People like cats. STU: PEOPLE NEED THE NEWS. And it is our social responsibility. STU: PEOPLE NEED THE NEWS. And it is our social responsibility. WES: Our WHAT? WES: Our WHAT? STU: YES, no, no, yes we have a responsibility, it is a holy trust, you can’t pos- STU: YES, no, no, yes we have a responsibility, it is a holy trust, you can’t possibly think — God, I’m here every day performing this soul-sucking sibly think — God, I’m here every day performing this soul-sucking sysphian defense of the notion that people deserve the news whether sysphian defense of the notion that people deserve the news whether they want it or not because I believe in KNOWLEDGE and INFOR- they want it or not because I believe in KNOWLEDGE and INFOR- MATION because that makes us different and better, yes, better than MATION because that makes us different and better, yes, better than the lower primates or our our our pets! People need news. If we choose the lower primates or our our our pets! People need news. If we choose — if we only pump commercials and and and SHIT into their homes — if we only pump commercials and and and SHIT into their homes through the powerful and and completely unknowable instrument, the through the powerful and and completely unknowable instrument, the TELEVISION SET, if all we do is send out — SHIT — then then we TELEVISION SET, if all we do is send out — SHIT — then then we are the ones. We are culpable. Of the destruction of the human race I are the ones. We are culpable. Of the destruction of the human race I believe that I really believe that. believe that I really believe that. WES: So what you’re saying is that the human race would be more important WES: So what you’re saying is that the human race would be more important to you than the numbers. to you than the numbers. STU: What I’m saying is if you try and cancel the news they’ll turn on your STU: What I’m saying is if you try and cancel the news they’ll turn on your girlfriend. girlfriend. WES: Watch yourself. WES: Watch yourself. STU: (Ignoring the warning.) They’re always looking, you know this, they’re al- STU: (Ignoring the warning.) They’re always looking, you know this, they’re always looking for an excuse to turn. If you try to fly in the face of the ways looking for an excuse to turn. If you try to fly in the face of the rules on something this big? She’s the one they’ll go after. They’ll go after rules on something this big? She’s the one they’ll go after. They’ll go after both of you together. Wes put too much faith in Jennifer Ramirez. both of you together. Wes put too much faith in Jennifer Ramirez. WES: Fuck you. WES: Fuck you. STU: They do, actually. STU: They do, actually. WES: They do? WES: They do? (Both are silent for a moment. Stu cautiously continues.) (Both are silent for a moment. Stu cautiously continues.) STU: Yes. And CNN — STU: Yes. And CNN — WES: I got it, Stu; I got it. WES: I got it, Stu; I got it. (There is another pause.) (There is another pause.) STU: I’ll go clear out my desk. STU: I’ll go clear out my desk. WES: What? Why? WES: What? Why? STU: You fired me. STU: You fired me. WES: Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re not fired. Somebody’s got to run that loser WES: Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re not fired. Somebody’s got to run that loser news division. Lose any more money and you ARE fired. No. No. Say news division. Lose any more money and you ARE fired. No. No. Say

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anything shitty about Jen? Ever again? Ever? And you’re so fucking fired anything shitty about Jen? Ever again? Ever? And you’re so fucking fired you will never work anywhere again. I will see to it that no one on earth you will never work anywhere again. I will see to it that no one on earth will hire you to clean their toilets, that’s how flicking fired you will be. will hire you to clean their toilets, that’s how flicking fired you will be. STU: Understood. STU: Understood. WES: Good. WES: Good.

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Seriocomic Seriocomic Ronnie Brown, midthirties to forties Ronnie Brown, midthirties to forties Gene Brown, midthirties to forties Gene Brown, midthirties to forties

Estranged brothers Ronnie and Gene have just lost their drug-addicted Estranged brothers Ronnie and Gene have just lost their drug-addicted sister to AIDS. While discussing her funeral arrangements, painful sister to AIDS. While discussing her funeral arrangements, painful childhood memories rise to the surface, each man having a different re- childhood memories rise to the surface, each man having a different re- memberance of the truth. memberance of the truth.

(Lights up. Gene is sitting on the couch looking at the photo albums. His (Lights up. Gene is sitting on the couch looking at the photo albums. His black eye is more pronounced, and there’s no makeup covering it. Ronnie is black eye is more pronounced, and there’s no makeup covering it. Ronnie is standing at the front door, looking out. The lighting has a greenish tint to it. standing at the front door, looking out. The lighting has a greenish tint to it. We hear the wind outside.) We hear the wind outside.) RONNIE: They say it was a watch or a warning? (Silence.) Gene? RONNIE: They say it was a watch or a warning? (Silence.) Gene? GENE: What? GENE: What? RONNIE: Watch or a warning? RONNIE: Watch or a warning? GENE: Warning. (Pause.) GENE: Warning. (Pause.) RONNIE: Remind me which one’s worse. RONNIE: Remind me which one’s worse. GENE: “Watch” means the conditions are right. “Warning” means that one GENE: “Watch” means the conditions are right. “Warning” means that one has actually been spotted. has actually been spotted. RONNIE: So, “warning” is worse? RONNIE: So, “warning” is worse? GENE: Yes. GENE: Yes. RONNIE: And they’re out driving around in it. Great. (Ronnie crosses to the RONNIE: And they’re out driving around in it. Great. (Ronnie crosses to the kitchen.) When they coming back? kitchen.) When they coming back? GENE: She didn’t say. GENE: She didn’t say. RONNIE: She’s your wife. Don’t you keep any kind of tabs on her at all? RONNIE: She’s your wife. Don’t you keep any kind of tabs on her at all? GENE: I trust her. GENE: I trust her. RONNIE: Well, that makes you a fucking idiot. RONNIE: Well, that makes you a fucking idiot. GENE: What’s that supposed to mean? GENE: What’s that supposed to mean? RONNIE: Nothing. Just an expression, Gene. Like “beer-battered.” RONNIE: Nothing. Just an expression, Gene. Like “beer-battered.” GENE: Joellen will call me on her cell if there’s a problem. GENE: Joellen will call me on her cell if there’s a problem. RONNIE: Oh, Mister Big Shot has a cell phone. Kiss my fucking ass. RONNIE: Oh, Mister Big Shot has a cell phone. Kiss my fucking ass.

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GENE: Everybody has a cell phone, Ronnie. GENE: Everybody has a cell phone, Ronnie. RONNIE: Won’t catch me owning one of them fucking things. Yacking away RONNIE: Won’t catch me owning one of them fucking things. Yacking away behind the wheel of the car. In line at the bank. “I’m so important I have behind the wheel of the car. In line at the bank. “I’m so important I have to talk to you right fuckin’ now.” Kiss my hairy white ass. to talk to you right fuckin’ now.” Kiss my hairy white ass. GENE: They’re good to have in an emergency. GENE: They’re good to have in an emergency. RONNIE: World did just fine without them for many years. RONNIE: World did just fine without them for many years. GENE: What if someone needs to get a hold of you in a hurry? GENE: What if someone needs to get a hold of you in a hurry? RONNIE: They can wait until I’m somewhere where there’s a real phone. Or if RONNIE: They can wait until I’m somewhere where there’s a real phone. Or if I don’t want to be found, they can wait until I surface. That way, I’m still I don’t want to be found, they can wait until I surface. That way, I’m still holding on to some fucking cards. I’m still doing what I want and not holding on to some fucking cards. I’m still doing what I want and not tethered to some kind of tracking device. tethered to some kind of tracking device. GENE: They’re not tracking devices. GENE: They’re not tracking devices. RONNIE: Don’t kid yourself. (Pause.) RONNIE: Don’t kid yourself. (Pause.) GENE: Well, they’ll be back as soon as they get some clothes for Nadine. GENE: Well, they’ll be back as soon as they get some clothes for Nadine. RONNIE: What are you putting her in? RONNIE: What are you putting her in? GENE: A dress of some sort. GENE: A dress of some sort. RONNIE: She never wore a fuckin’ dress in her whole life. RONNIE: She never wore a fuckin’ dress in her whole life. GENE: Well, a dress is what she’ll be buried in. GENE: Well, a dress is what she’ll be buried in. RONNIE: At least put her in something people will recognize her in! RONNIE: At least put her in something people will recognize her in! GENE: Eighty pounds, rotted teeth, and skin like parchment paper. Doesn’t GENE: Eighty pounds, rotted teeth, and skin like parchment paper. Doesn’t matter what we dress her in. Nobody is going to recognize her. matter what we dress her in. Nobody is going to recognize her. RONNIE: A dress is not what she would have wanted. RONNIE: A dress is not what she would have wanted. GENE: How do you know what she would have wanted? GENE: How do you know what she would have wanted? RONNIE: (Screaming.) You remember how she’d throw a fit every time Mom RONNIE: (Screaming.) You remember how she’d throw a fit every time Mom would try to get a dress on her! would try to get a dress on her! (Gene, furious, throws the photo album at Ronnie.) (Gene, furious, throws the photo album at Ronnie.) RONNIE: Jesus! RONNIE: Jesus! GENE: I don’t give a shit! Put her in a pair of filthy jeans if you want. Will that GENE: I don’t give a shit! Put her in a pair of filthy jeans if you want. Will that do the trick for you? How about a belt wrapped around her arm? That do the trick for you? How about a belt wrapped around her arm? That should get the point across. Here we go. Maybe we could get some should get the point across. Here we go. Maybe we could get some fuckin’ . . . nigger to piss on her in the casket! (Breaking.) That work? fuckin’ . . . nigger to piss on her in the casket! (Breaking.) That work? (Pause. Distant thunder outside. Ronnie carefully picks up the photo album, (Pause. Distant thunder outside. Ronnie carefully picks up the photo album, crosses to the dining room table, and sits.) crosses to the dining room table, and sits.) RONNIE: Dress her however you want. RONNIE: Dress her however you want. GENE: Thank you. (Long pause. Ronnie thumbs through the photo album.) GENE: Thank you. (Long pause. Ronnie thumbs through the photo album.) RONNIE: Remember that black-and-white checked one, the one just like RONNIE: Remember that black-and-white checked one, the one just like Mom’s? Mom’s? (Gene nods.) (Gene nods.) GENE: Yeah. There’s home movies of it somewhere. GENE: Yeah. There’s home movies of it somewhere.

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RONNIE: Two of them looked like twins. (Beat.) What were we all dressed up RONNIE: Two of them looked like twins. (Beat.) What were we all dressed up for that day, anyway? for that day, anyway? GENE: Easter Sunday. GENE: Easter Sunday. RONNIE: That’s right. It was Easter. (Beat.) Smell of that egg dye. RONNIE: That’s right. It was Easter. (Beat.) Smell of that egg dye. GENE: Yeah. We were still in the house on Vorcey. GENE: Yeah. We were still in the house on Vorcey. RONNIE: I drove by it today. RONNIE: I drove by it today. (Pause. Gene looks at him, stands, and crosses to the kitchen.) (Pause. Gene looks at him, stands, and crosses to the kitchen.) GENE: Ronnie, I’d like you to be one of Nadine’s pallbearers. GENE: Ronnie, I’d like you to be one of Nadine’s pallbearers. RONNIE: I don’t think so. RONNIE: I don’t think so. GENE: Be a big help. GENE: Be a big help. RONNIE: Pass. RONNIE: Pass. GENE: I need you. GENE: I need you. RONNIE: I’m not doin’ it. RONNIE: I’m not doin’ it. GENE: Are you kidding me? GENE: Are you kidding me? RONNIE: No. I’m not kidding you. Quit asking me. RONNIE: No. I’m not kidding you. Quit asking me. GENE: One simple favor. Unbelievable. GENE: One simple favor. Unbelievable. RONNIE: I’m not even gonna be here. RONNIE: I’m not even gonna be here. GENE: Not gonna be where? GENE: Not gonna be where? RONNIE: Leaving town as soon as Susie gets back. RONNIE: Leaving town as soon as Susie gets back. GENE: You’re kidding me. You’re not staying for her funeral? GENE: You’re kidding me. You’re not staying for her funeral? RONNIE: No. I’m not. RONNIE: No. I’m not. GENE: Why? GENE: Why? RONNIE: I don’t need to see Nadine like that. RONNIE: I don’t need to see Nadine like that. GENE: See her like what? Dead? You have to see her like that — GENE: See her like what? Dead? You have to see her like that — RONNIE: That thing is not my sister. I don’t know what that is. RONNIE: That thing is not my sister. I don’t know what that is. GENE: That is our sister, Ronnie. And you wanna know something? I’ve seen GENE: That is our sister, Ronnie. And you wanna know something? I’ve seen her look a lot worse. her look a lot worse. RONNIE: Well, then you deal with this. ’Cause . . . I can’t. RONNIE: Well, then you deal with this. ’Cause . . . I can’t. GENE: Don’t make me walk through this by myself. GENE: Don’t make me walk through this by myself. RONNIE: You’re not by yourself. Joellen will be with you. (Standing.) Where RONNIE: You’re not by yourself. Joellen will be with you. (Standing.) Where the fuck are they, anyway? (Ronnie crosses to the front door.) the fuck are they, anyway? (Ronnie crosses to the front door.) GENE: Ronnie, look. I just . . . whatever has gone on between us doesn’t mat- GENE: Ronnie, look. I just . . . whatever has gone on between us doesn’t matter. It’s important that we have some closure with her. ter. It’s important that we have some closure with her. RONNIE: I don’t know what that means. But . . . you’ll just have to struggle RONNIE: I don’t know what that means. But . . . you’ll just have to struggle through it. through it. GENE: I’m asking you for this one favor. And then you’ll never have to lay eyes GENE: I’m asking you for this one favor. And then you’ll never have to lay eyes on me again. on me again. RONNIE: Can’t help you. (Pause.) RONNIE: Can’t help you. (Pause.) GENE: Mom and Dad would want us to do this together. GENE: Mom and Dad would want us to do this together.

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RONNIE: (Smiling.) You’re gonna play the family card? Jesus, Gene. I’ll kick RONNIE: (Smiling.) You’re gonna play the family card? Jesus, Gene. I’ll kick in a few dollars on expenses and everything, but don’t turn this into a in a few dollars on expenses and everything, but don’t turn this into a Hallmark fucking moment. Hallmark fucking moment. GENE: You’re not really this hard of a person. I know it. You can’t be. GENE: You’re not really this hard of a person. I know it. You can’t be. RONNIE: Brother, you don’t know shit. What you’re seeing right now is my RONNIE: Brother, you don’t know shit. What you’re seeing right now is my chewy center. chewy center. GENE: No matter what went on, we started out as a family. GENE: No matter what went on, we started out as a family. RONNIE: Well, dog shit starts out as a Kibble. But, I ain’t eatin’ either one. RONNIE: Well, dog shit starts out as a Kibble. But, I ain’t eatin’ either one. (Gene crosses to him.) (Gene crosses to him.) GENE: I want to make amends with you. I want us to heal the wounds that GENE: I want to make amends with you. I want us to heal the wounds that we have inflicted on one another. You’ve hurt me, and I know that I’ve we have inflicted on one another. You’ve hurt me, and I know that I’ve hurt you. hurt you. RONNIE: Is this when Oprah comes out and we hug and cry? RONNIE: Is this when Oprah comes out and we hug and cry? GENE: Ronnie, I have found a faith in God that gets me through times like GENE: Ronnie, I have found a faith in God that gets me through times like these. And I think you could benefit greatly. these. And I think you could benefit greatly. RONNIE: Gene, if you’re tryin’ to get me to board the Jesus bus, you’re wast- RONNIE: Gene, if you’re tryin’ to get me to board the Jesus bus, you’re wasting your fucking gas. ing your fucking gas. GENE: Joellen was right. We’re the only ones left to prove we ever were a GENE: Joellen was right. We’re the only ones left to prove we ever were a family. family. RONNIE: Tell you what, Gene, if you die before me, I’ll make sure you’re RONNIE: Tell you what, Gene, if you die before me, I’ll make sure you’re buried in something snazzy. And I trust you’ll do the same for — buried in something snazzy. And I trust you’ll do the same for — GENE: Ronnie, please don’t do this. Please don’t walk out on this. You weren’t GENE: Ronnie, please don’t do this. Please don’t walk out on this. You weren’t here when Dad died — here when Dad died — RONNIE: I was too busy dancin’ in the fuckin’ streets. RONNIE: I was too busy dancin’ in the fuckin’ streets. GENE: He loved you, Ronnie. GENE: He loved you, Ronnie. (Ronnie moves toward Gene, threateningly.) (Ronnie moves toward Gene, threateningly.) RONNIE: That dead-eyed, drunk, hateful, piece of shit didn’t love — RONNIE: That dead-eyed, drunk, hateful, piece of shit didn’t love — GENE: Don’t call him names. GENE: Don’t call him names. RONNIE: . . . Anybody. And I hope he’s getting fucked in hell . . . RONNIE: . . . Anybody. And I hope he’s getting fucked in hell . . . GENE: Don’t say that. GENE: Don’t say that. RONNIE: . . . with a red-hot poker. RONNIE: . . . with a red-hot poker. GENE: He loved you. GENE: He loved you. RONNIE: Goody. RONNIE: Goody. GENE: He raised a family. Fed and clothed his children. GENE: He raised a family. Fed and clothed his children. RONNIE: Yeah, everything was hunky-dory, Gene. RONNIE: Yeah, everything was hunky-dory, Gene. GENE: He worked two jobs to make sure his children never went hungry. GENE: He worked two jobs to make sure his children never went hungry. RONNIE: That lets him off the hook for all the other? ’Cause we were fed? RONNIE: That lets him off the hook for all the other? ’Cause we were fed? GENE: Left home when he was fourteen years old, no education, managed to GENE: Left home when he was fourteen years old, no education, managed to make something of his life. make something of his life.

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RONNIE: Why you pinning medals on that piece of shit? RONNIE: Why you pinning medals on that piece of shit? GENE: He’s my father. GENE: He’s my father. RONNIE: He was Nadine’s father too. RONNIE: He was Nadine’s father too. GENE: He was an uneducated man. GENE: He was an uneducated man. RONNIE: Don’t take an education, Gene. RONNIE: Don’t take an education, Gene. GENE: He grew up poor, ignorant, and didn’t know any better. GENE: He grew up poor, ignorant, and didn’t know any better. RONNIE: Didn’t know any better than to fuck his own daughter? (Beat.) Even RONNIE: Didn’t know any better than to fuck his own daughter? (Beat.) Even dogs know not to do that, Gene! (Beat.) Jesus Christ. Let’s call a spade a dogs know not to do that, Gene! (Beat.) Jesus Christ. Let’s call a spade a spade. Not pretend we had Robert-fucking-Young sleeping down the spade. Not pretend we had Robert-fucking-Young sleeping down the hall. (Long pause. Ronnie crosses to the front door.) hall. (Long pause. Ronnie crosses to the front door.) GENE: Lost himself when Mom died. (Gene crosses to the table and sits.) GENE: Lost himself when Mom died. (Gene crosses to the table and sits.) RONNIE: Found himself in Nadine’s bedroom didn’t he? RONNIE: Found himself in Nadine’s bedroom didn’t he? GENE: You don’t know what was going on in there. GENE: You don’t know what was going on in there. RONNIE: You’re right, Gene. I can only assume. I don’t have any real hard ev- RONNIE: You’re right, Gene. I can only assume. I don’t have any real hard evidence. Maybe the fact that he’d wait until we were in bed to go in there idence. Maybe the fact that he’d wait until we were in bed to go in there was a tip-off. Turn on her record player, so we couldn’t hear the whis- was a tip-off. Turn on her record player, so we couldn’t hear the whispering and the crying. “Oh very young, what will you leave us this pering and the crying. “Oh very young, what will you leave us this time?” What happens to your guts when you hear that song, Gene? I’ve time?” What happens to your guts when you hear that song, Gene? I’ve actually had to pull over before to puke. actually had to pull over before to puke. GENE: Mom was the love of his life. He was devastated. GENE: Mom was the love of his life. He was devastated. RONNIE: Certainly honored her memory, didn’t he? Raping her only RONNIE: Certainly honored her memory, didn’t he? Raping her only daughter — daughter — GENE: Don’t say things like that. It’s ugly. GENE: Don’t say things like that. It’s ugly. RONNIE: Never wondered why he got up so early to do the laundry every Sat- RONNIE: Never wondered why he got up so early to do the laundry every Sat- urday? Didn’t want us seeing her bloody bedsheets. urday? Didn’t want us seeing her bloody bedsheets. GENE: Don’t. GENE: Don’t. RONNIE: That’s fucking ugly. RONNIE: That’s fucking ugly. GENE: Stop. GENE: Stop. RONNIE: Split her wide open. RONNIE: Split her wide open. GENE: He loved her. GENE: He loved her. RONNIE: A little too much, you ask me. RONNIE: A little too much, you ask me. GENE: She was always climbing on him and kissing on him. GENE: She was always climbing on him and kissing on him. RONNIE: The bitch was asking for it. RONNIE: The bitch was asking for it. GENE: He fell apart when Mom killed herself. GENE: He fell apart when Mom killed herself. RONNIE: Had nothing to do with Mom killing herself. RONNIE: Had nothing to do with Mom killing herself. GENE: He was lonely and sad. He went off the tracks. GENE: He was lonely and sad. He went off the tracks. RONNIE: He was sneaking down the hall long before Mom died. RONNIE: He was sneaking down the hall long before Mom died. GENE: That’s not true. GENE: That’s not true.

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RONNIE: Where did you grow up, Gene? At the home across the street? That RONNIE: Where did you grow up, Gene? At the home across the street? That shit went on for at least a year before Mom took the top of her head off. shit went on for at least a year before Mom took the top of her head off. GENE: They did the best they could with what they had. They made mistakes, GENE: They did the best they could with what they had. They made mistakes, everybody does. But, they wanted good for all of their children, and they everybody does. But, they wanted good for all of their children, and they tried to raise us in a good Christian home. tried to raise us in a good Christian home. RONNIE: I don’t know who the fuck you are. I truly don’t. I mean, you’ve al- RONNIE: I don’t know who the fuck you are. I truly don’t. I mean, you’ve always been a flighty little shit, but this is fantasyland. ways been a flighty little shit, but this is fantasyland. (Gene crosses to Ronnie.) (Gene crosses to Ronnie.) GENE: Remember Mom used to hide Three Musketeers bars in our hooded GENE: Remember Mom used to hide Three Musketeers bars in our hooded sweatshirts? sweatshirts? RONNIE: What the fuck are you talking about? RONNIE: What the fuck are you talking about? GENE: Remember going to Lake of the Woods . . . ? GENE: Remember going to Lake of the Woods . . . ? RONNIE: I remember Mom sitting in her car for eight solid hours . . . RONNIE: I remember Mom sitting in her car for eight solid hours . . . GENE: Getting a Superman costume for Christmas . . . GENE: Getting a Superman costume for Christmas . . . RONNIE: . . . When I left for school, and there when I got home. RONNIE: . . . When I left for school, and there when I got home. GENE: Two weeks vacation. GENE: Two weeks vacation. RONNIE: Cigarette after cigarette. RONNIE: Cigarette after cigarette. GENE: Layin’ on the floor in front of that old Zenith. GENE: Layin’ on the floor in front of that old Zenith. RONNIE: Belt marks across my legs. RONNIE: Belt marks across my legs. GENE: “Ladies and gentlemen, the star of our show . . .” GENE: “Ladies and gentlemen, the star of our show . . .” RONNIE: Nadine hiding in the garage . . . RONNIE: Nadine hiding in the garage . . . GENE: “Mister Jackie Gleason.” (À la Gleason.) “And away we go.” GENE: “Mister Jackie Gleason.” (À la Gleason.) “And away we go.” (Ronnie slaps Gene.) (Ronnie slaps Gene.) RONNIE: Put that shit away! RONNIE: Put that shit away! (Gene crosses to the table and sits. He begins to weep. Long pause. Ronnie (Gene crosses to the table and sits. He begins to weep. Long pause. Ronnie crosses to him, slowly.) crosses to him, slowly.) RONNIE: You want a memory? I remember walking in on Mom in the bath- RONNIE: You want a memory? I remember walking in on Mom in the bath- room. She was taking a steak knife to her legs. Cutting little hunks out room. She was taking a steak knife to her legs. Cutting little hunks out of her flesh and flickin’ them at the wall. Blood all over the bathmat. of her flesh and flickin’ them at the wall. Blood all over the bathmat. Tiny pieces of skin and meat stuck to the tile. Her eyes wild. I stood Tiny pieces of skin and meat stuck to the tile. Her eyes wild. I stood there holding my breath, watching my mother mutilate herself. It took there holding my breath, watching my mother mutilate herself. It took her a good five minutes to realize I was even in the room. And she just her a good five minutes to realize I was even in the room. And she just looked right through me. Her expression didn’t change. She just kept looked right through me. Her expression didn’t change. She just kept right on digging pieces out of herself. (Pause.) right on digging pieces out of herself. (Pause.) GENE: You left me there to fend for myself. (Ronnie crosses to the front door.) GENE: You left me there to fend for myself. (Ronnie crosses to the front door.) RONNIE: Had to go, Gene. RONNIE: Had to go, Gene. GENE: Why didn’t you take me with you? That day, that day you left? GENE: Why didn’t you take me with you? That day, that day you left? RONNIE: Had to be on my own, Gene. RONNIE: Had to be on my own, Gene. GENE: I ran after you. He screamed at me. GENE: I ran after you. He screamed at me.

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RONNIE: Had to get as far away as I could. RONNIE: Had to get as far away as I could. GENE: You left. GENE: You left. RONNIE: Not before I opened his head with an ashtray, I didn’t. Not before I RONNIE: Not before I opened his head with an ashtray, I didn’t. Not before I threw him out of the house and beat the shit out of him. Not before I threw him out of the house and beat the shit out of him. Not before I ran up and down the street screaming, “My dad fucks my sister.” After ran up and down the street screaming, “My dad fucks my sister.” After that, I left. And I believe after that Nadine was able to get a few hours that, I left. And I believe after that Nadine was able to get a few hours sleep at night. sleep at night. GENE: You left me there with him. GENE: You left me there with him. RONNIE: (Screaming violently.) I know I did, Gene! RONNIE: (Screaming violently.) I know I did, Gene! GENE: You were my brother. (Pause.) GENE: You were my brother. (Pause.) RONNIE: I couldn’t look at you any more. I thought to call you a hundred RONNIE: I couldn’t look at you any more. I thought to call you a hundred times over the years. But, I just didn’t want to hear your voice. times over the years. But, I just didn’t want to hear your voice. GENE: Why? GENE: Why? RONNIE: Your voice is my voice. And it carries too much shame. RONNIE: Your voice is my voice. And it carries too much shame. (Pause. Ronnie sits on the couch.) (Pause. Ronnie sits on the couch.) GENE: I fall to my knees every night, praying to God to lighten my heart. To GENE: I fall to my knees every night, praying to God to lighten my heart. To bring me some kind of peace. It doesn’t come. I just get up off of my bring me some kind of peace. It doesn’t come. I just get up off of my knees and lay down next to a woman that doesn’t love me. And I have knees and lay down next to a woman that doesn’t love me. And I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I don’t feel anything. Pleasure, excite- no feelings for her whatsoever. I don’t feel anything. Pleasure, excite- ment. It’s not part of my world. I just get up and walk through every day, ment. It’s not part of my world. I just get up and walk through every day, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for God to show me some waiting for something to happen. Waiting for God to show me some kind of sign. kind of sign. RONNIE: Gene, there is no God. And if there is, He’s using you for a fucking RONNIE: Gene, there is no God. And if there is, He’s using you for a fucking punching bag. punching bag. GENE: I can’t believe that’s true. I can’t believe there’s nobody watching out GENE: I can’t believe that’s true. I can’t believe there’s nobody watching out for us. for us. RONNIE: Gene. There’s nobody watching out for us. No God, no govern- RONNIE: Gene. There’s nobody watching out for us. No God, no govern- ment, and if you had a brain in your head, you’d toss that cellular phone ment, and if you had a brain in your head, you’d toss that cellular phone out the window. You’re kidding yourself if you think that shit ain’t out the window. You’re kidding yourself if you think that shit ain’t monitored. monitored. GENE: Ronnie, this can’t be it. There has to be someone who loves us, who GENE: Ronnie, this can’t be it. There has to be someone who loves us, who watches out for us. watches out for us. RONNIE: Let go of it, brother. RONNIE: Let go of it, brother. GENE: It was God’s mercy that ended Nadine’s suffering. GENE: It was God’s mercy that ended Nadine’s suffering. RONNIE: I didn’t see Him when I was at the hospital. I didn’t see any God in RONNIE: I didn’t see Him when I was at the hospital. I didn’t see any God in sight. Or a doctor, or a nurse, or a fucking janitor for that matter. I just sight. Or a doctor, or a nurse, or a fucking janitor for that matter. I just saw our sister staring into space. Wincing every once in a while from the saw our sister staring into space. Wincing every once in a while from the pain. That’s all I saw. No God on the premises. pain. That’s all I saw. No God on the premises. (Gene crosses to Ronnie and gets down on one knee, next to him.) (Gene crosses to Ronnie and gets down on one knee, next to him.)

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GENE: Ronnie, pray with me. Humble yourself in front of Him. GENE: Ronnie, pray with me. Humble yourself in front of Him. RONNIE: Her face looked the way it did that day I broke down her door. RONNIE: Her face looked the way it did that day I broke down her door. GENE: (Praying.) Heavenly Father, we come to You today on bended knees . . . GENE: (Praying.) Heavenly Father, we come to You today on bended knees . . . RONNIE: Scared. Helpless. RONNIE: Scared. Helpless. GENE: . . . and we ask You to pray for the soul of our dear sister . . . GENE: . . . and we ask You to pray for the soul of our dear sister . . . RONNIE: Son of a bitch layin’ on top of her . . . RONNIE: Son of a bitch layin’ on top of her . . . GENE: . . . as she passes from this world, to a life eternal with You. Dear GENE: . . . as she passes from this world, to a life eternal with You. Dear Lord . . . Lord . . . RONNIE: Glass ashtray slowed him down pretty good. RONNIE: Glass ashtray slowed him down pretty good. GENE: And pray for my brother tonight as he struggles with his own faith. Put GENE: And pray for my brother tonight as he struggles with his own faith. Put him on a path, dear Lord . . . (Gene continues to quietly pray.) him on a path, dear Lord . . . (Gene continues to quietly pray.) RONNIE: My path was clear, Gene. Couldn’t let her lay there suffering. RONNIE: My path was clear, Gene. Couldn’t let her lay there suffering. Couldn’t let her last moments on this earth be more painful than her Couldn’t let her last moments on this earth be more painful than her whole life was. I just couldn’t allow that. I mean, maybe there is a God, whole life was. I just couldn’t allow that. I mean, maybe there is a God, Gene. I sure felt some kind of divine power working through me. And I Gene. I sure felt some kind of divine power working through me. And I didn’t even think for a second about it being wrong. I just put the pil- didn’t even think for a second about it being wrong. I just put the pillow over her face, Gene. low over her face, Gene. GENE: Dear Lord, watch over all of us . . . GENE: Dear Lord, watch over all of us . . . (Ronnie takes Gene’s head and whispers in his ear.) (Ronnie takes Gene’s head and whispers in his ear.) RONNIE: (Through tears.) Didn’t take much to hold her down. Not enough RONNIE: (Through tears.) Didn’t take much to hold her down. Not enough strength in her to put up a fight. It was over in about forty seconds. Cou- strength in her to put up a fight. It was over in about forty seconds. Cou- ple of little kicks and that was it. Pulled the pillow off, closed her eyes, ple of little kicks and that was it. Pulled the pillow off, closed her eyes, and it was done. And I don’t feel any regrets, Gene. I don’t feel any re- and it was done. And I don’t feel any regrets, Gene. I don’t feel any re- morse. What I did was a good thing. Ended her suffering. I didn’t add morse. What I did was a good thing. Ended her suffering. I didn’t add to it. No matter what you think, I stopped it. Stopped it twice. Once to it. No matter what you think, I stopped it. Stopped it twice. Once when she was a girl and once last night. So, don’t ever tell me I never did when she was a girl and once last night. So, don’t ever tell me I never did anything for our sister, Gene. I loved her. I did my part. anything for our sister, Gene. I loved her. I did my part. (Gene opens his eyes.) (Gene opens his eyes.) GENE: Don’t leave me again. Don’t leave me with all of this. GENE: Don’t leave me again. Don’t leave me with all of this. RONNIE: I can’t help you, Gene. It kills me to look at you. RONNIE: I can’t help you, Gene. It kills me to look at you. (Ronnie breaks away and crosses to the front door.) (Ronnie breaks away and crosses to the front door.) GENE: You’re my brother, let me come with you. GENE: You’re my brother, let me come with you. RONNIE: I gotta travel light, Gene. My wings can’t take the extra weight. RONNIE: I gotta travel light, Gene. My wings can’t take the extra weight. There’s a name for it. Can’t remember what it is. Aeronautical term. There’s a name for it. Can’t remember what it is. Aeronautical term. GENE: I got nothing here. I got no life. (Crying.) Don’t leave me behind. GENE: I got nothing here. I got no life. (Crying.) Don’t leave me behind. (Ronnie crosses to the table.) (Ronnie crosses to the table.) RONNIE: It’s the parts of an airplane that don’t contribute to flight. Fuselage, RONNIE: It’s the parts of an airplane that don’t contribute to flight. Fuselage, landing gear . . . and what the hell is that called? landing gear . . . and what the hell is that called?

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GENE: You’re my brother. We slept in the same room. We had the same life. GENE: You’re my brother. We slept in the same room. We had the same life. We’re the same. We’re the same. RONNIE: Parasite drag. (Gene goes to Ronnie and tries to hold him. Ronnie shakes RONNIE: Parasite drag. (Gene goes to Ronnie and tries to hold him. Ronnie shakes him off.) Get off of me. I can’t carry you. I cannot carry you. him off.) Get off of me. I can’t carry you. I cannot carry you.

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Dramatic Dramatic Amy Lubin, twenty-one Amy Lubin, twenty-one U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., thirty-two U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., thirty-two

The Cold War has begun, and America must compete with the Soviet The Cold War has begun, and America must compete with the Soviet Union in creating the most powerful weapons of the era: guided missiles Union in creating the most powerful weapons of the era: guided missiles with atomic warheads. The American missile program is headed up by with atomic warheads. The American missile program is headed up by U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., an all-American, Princeton- U.S. Army Major Hamilton Pike Jr., an all-American, Princeton- educated rich boy with political ambitions who has quietly slipped educated rich boy with political ambitions who has quietly slipped Hitler’s top rocket scientists into the country and settled them in Hitler’s top rocket scientists into the country and settled them in Huntsville, Alabama, where the missiles are to be built. Amy Lubin, an Huntsville, Alabama, where the missiles are to be built. Amy Lubin, an outspoken Jewish girl from New York who is engaged to an Alabama outspoken Jewish girl from New York who is engaged to an Alabama boy, learns about the past of the Germans living in her new hometown boy, learns about the past of the Germans living in her new hometown and creates a public protest. and creates a public protest.

MAJOR PIKE: “To investigate and expose the crimes of these Nazis.” Your writ- MAJOR PIKE: “To investigate and expose the crimes of these Nazis.” Your writing has gotten more forceful. I thought I explained the situation with ing has gotten more forceful. I thought I explained the situation with these men. these men. AMY: You lied. You said they “decided to work for us.” AMY: You lied. You said they “decided to work for us.” MAJOR PIKE: They did. MAJOR PIKE: They did. AMY: They surrendered to us when the war was lost. They jumped from the AMY: They surrendered to us when the war was lost. They jumped from the sinking ship. The instinct of rats. sinking ship. The instinct of rats. (A beat.) (A beat.) MAJOR PIKE: You’ve been busy. Printing these fliers, leafletting at the arsenal MAJOR PIKE: You’ve been busy. Printing these fliers, leafletting at the arsenal gates. gates. AMY: Am I doing anything illegal? AMY: Am I doing anything illegal? MAJOR PIKE: It’s a free country. As long as we keep the Russians at bay. And MAJOR PIKE: It’s a free country. As long as we keep the Russians at bay. And all the while — as I read in Mrs. Pruitt’s column — you’re planning your all the while — as I read in Mrs. Pruitt’s column — you’re planning your wedding. Limitless energies. You’re a rocket engine yourself. wedding. Limitless energies. You’re a rocket engine yourself. AMY: American design. AMY: American design. MAJOR PIKE: Does your husband-to-be approve what you’re doing? Or MAJOR PIKE: Does your husband-to-be approve what you’re doing? Or doesn’t he know about this? doesn’t he know about this?

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AMY: Jed? (Slightly arch.) Oh, you know he’s considering that job offer. AMY: Jed? (Slightly arch.) Oh, you know he’s considering that job offer. MAJOR PIKE: Yes, he said he’d check with his fiancee. Good fella, that Jed. MAJOR PIKE: Yes, he said he’d check with his fiancee. Good fella, that Jed. Knows his way around the sky. Knows the people and the countryside Knows his way around the sky. Knows the people and the countryside here. (Slight threat.) He’ll rise high in the program if no one messes it up here. (Slight threat.) He’ll rise high in the program if no one messes it up for him. for him. AMY: (Cold, distant.) We’re discussing the offer. You can understand that it’s a AMY: (Cold, distant.) We’re discussing the offer. You can understand that it’s a private matter between us. private matter between us. MAJOR PIKE: Good fella, that Jed. But this (Holding up the leaflet.) is a public MAJOR PIKE: Good fella, that Jed. But this (Holding up the leaflet.) is a public embarrassment that I can not have. People are asking questions, writing embarrassment that I can not have. People are asking questions, writing letters. I’ve worked my charm to the limit changing the attitude around letters. I’ve worked my charm to the limit changing the attitude around here, and you’re pushing back my clock. I made a promise to the presi- here, and you’re pushing back my clock. I made a promise to the president. To deliver him an American missile system to keep our nation dent. To deliver him an American missile system to keep our nation secure. secure. AMY: Bringing ex-Nazis into the deepest workings of our most important AMY: Bringing ex-Nazis into the deepest workings of our most important weapons? That will keep the nation secure? weapons? That will keep the nation secure? MAJOR PIKE: Did they not choose our country when they surrendered? MAJOR PIKE: Did they not choose our country when they surrendered? AMY: As opposed to surrendering to who? The Russians? England? I can AMY: As opposed to surrendering to who? The Russians? England? I can imagine many things the British would have done with Von Braun — imagine many things the British would have done with Von Braun — giving him television time with Mickey Mouse isn’t one. giving him television time with Mickey Mouse isn’t one. MAJOR PIKE: (With a smile.) Oh you watched. He did well I thought. MAJOR PIKE: (With a smile.) Oh you watched. He did well I thought. AMY: Very well. AMY: Very well. MAJOR PIKE: Television. It’s another new science. Exciting, all the ways it can MAJOR PIKE: Television. It’s another new science. Exciting, all the ways it can be used. be used. AMY: Selling detergent and whitewashing Nazis. AMY: Selling detergent and whitewashing Nazis. MAJOR PIKE: Nuremberg is over. The judges have all gone home. MAJOR PIKE: Nuremberg is over. The judges have all gone home. AMY: There’s a courthouse right in the middle of town. Perfect for a trial. AMY: There’s a courthouse right in the middle of town. Perfect for a trial. MAJOR PIKE: You’d have no case. MAJOR PIKE: You’d have no case. AMY: They were members of the Nazi party. AMY: They were members of the Nazi party. (The Major fires his shot.) (The Major fires his shot.) MAJOR PIKE: But about to become American citizens. MAJOR PIKE: But about to become American citizens. (Amy is stopped cold by that information.) (Amy is stopped cold by that information.) AMY: No, you can’t! You can’t give them citizenship! AMY: No, you can’t! You can’t give them citizenship! MAJOR PIKE: Can and will. I have friends high up at the State Department MAJOR PIKE: Can and will. I have friends high up at the State Department who helped push it through. who helped push it through. AMY: Making Nazis American citizens! AMY: Making Nazis American citizens! MAJOR PIKE: German scientists who were forced to work for the Reich. These MAJOR PIKE: German scientists who were forced to work for the Reich. These men were not fanatical Nazis. men were not fanatical Nazis. AMY: Oh, not fanatical! They were building weapons to help Hitler conquer AMY: Oh, not fanatical! They were building weapons to help Hitler conquer the world, and their hearts weren’t into it, the poor things? How awful the world, and their hearts weren’t into it, the poor things? How awful

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it must have been, watching London in flames and feeling a little unit must have been, watching London in flames and feeling a little un- comfortable about it. “Not fanatical” — Von Braun was a major in the comfortable about it. “Not fanatical” — Von Braun was a major in the SS. He created a factory, underground. Slave labor, Jewish prisoners, SS. He created a factory, underground. Slave labor, Jewish prisoners, working them to their deaths in darkness and filth to build those damn working them to their deaths in darkness and filth to build those damn rockets of his. rockets of his. MAJOR PIKE: How did you — ? Oh, your brother’s friends in Navy intelli- MAJOR PIKE: How did you — ? Oh, your brother’s friends in Navy intelli- gence. (A beat.) You know, they found a Japanese soldier last month on gence. (A beat.) You know, they found a Japanese soldier last month on an island in Indonesia. Did you hear about it? He fired on his rescuers. an island in Indonesia. Did you hear about it? He fired on his rescuers. He didn’t believe the war was over. He didn’t believe the war was over. AMY: Yes, and? AMY: Yes, and? MAJOR PIKE: I’d say he’s like you. The war is over and another is beginning. MAJOR PIKE: I’d say he’s like you. The war is over and another is beginning. No gunshots yet, just preparation. The Russians are preparing. They’re No gunshots yet, just preparation. The Russians are preparing. They’re building missiles. I figure their missiles, like the ones we’re making, can building missiles. I figure their missiles, like the ones we’re making, can travel about two or three hundred miles before going down. Their next travel about two or three hundred miles before going down. Their next ones — three or four hundred miles. We’re going to have to keep up. I ones — three or four hundred miles. We’re going to have to keep up. I want us to have a missile that will reach Moscow before the Russians want us to have a missile that will reach Moscow before the Russians build one that will reach Washington. Or the Bronx. And do you know build one that will reach Washington. Or the Bronx. And do you know who they have designing their missiles? who they have designing their missiles? AMY: I can’t guess. AMY: I can’t guess. MAJOR PIKE: German rocketeers who worked for Hitler. Yes, the Russians also MAJOR PIKE: German rocketeers who worked for Hitler. Yes, the Russians also captured a few. But I’ll tell you what they don’t have: Wernher Von captured a few. But I’ll tell you what they don’t have: Wernher Von Braun. And they also don’t have objections from their people. No one Braun. And they also don’t have objections from their people. No one would dare speak out the way you do. And I’m determined to preserve would dare speak out the way you do. And I’m determined to preserve that right in our country. So we’ll have our missiles ready to shoot down that right in our country. So we’ll have our missiles ready to shoot down their missiles over the Atlantic. We’ll have our missiles ready in sub- their missiles over the Atlantic. We’ll have our missiles ready in sub- marines, in underground silos all over the country. Every one of our cities marines, in underground silos all over the country. Every one of our cities protected by hidden missiles. Every one of our cities, a Rocket City. protected by hidden missiles. Every one of our cities, a Rocket City. AMY: That’s insanity. AMY: That’s insanity. MAJOR PIKE: Maybe. But it’s the future of warfare and international politics. MAJOR PIKE: Maybe. But it’s the future of warfare and international politics. AMY: People won’t let this happen. AMY: People won’t let this happen. MAJOR PIKE: If there's anything the last war taught us, Amy, people will let MAJOR PIKE: If there's anything the last war taught us, Amy, people will let anything happen. World politics will be determined by what country has anything happen. World politics will be determined by what country has atomic warhead missiles and what country doesn't And that's how it will atomic warhead missiles and what country doesn't And that's how it will be until we invent something better. Or worse. be until we invent something better. Or worse. AMY: But why should Von Braun and the rest of them live here in luxury AMY: But why should Von Braun and the rest of them live here in luxury while other Nazis are in prison? while other Nazis are in prison? MAJOR PIKE: Oh Amy, you know the answer: Because we need them. They MAJOR PIKE: Oh Amy, you know the answer: Because we need them. They can do more for us in Huntsville than they could in a Nuremberg jail. can do more for us in Huntsville than they could in a Nuremberg jail. AMY: But it’s wrong. It’s morally wrong. AMY: But it’s wrong. It’s morally wrong.

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MAJOR PIKE: No, it’s morally questionable. That’s nothing we’d ever say to the MAJOR PIKE: No, it’s morally questionable. That’s nothing we’d ever say to the general public, but I’ll say that to you. Sometimes, unfortunately, such general public, but I’ll say that to you. Sometimes, unfortunately, such things must be done. You see things in black and white, don’t you Amy? things must be done. You see things in black and white, don’t you Amy? Like the movies. Like the movies. AMY: Maybe I do. AMY: Maybe I do. MAJOR PIKE: I know a little bit about the movies. And they aren’t really black MAJOR PIKE: I know a little bit about the movies. And they aren’t really black and white at all. They’re really darker and lighter shades of gray. During and white at all. They’re really darker and lighter shades of gray. During the war, it did seem like a black-and-white world. And now — it’s like a the war, it did seem like a black-and-white world. And now — it’s like a movie. A world of grays. movie. A world of grays. AMY: Not to me. AMY: Not to me. MAJOR PIKE: It’s the postwar reality, Amy. MAJOR PIKE: It’s the postwar reality, Amy. AMY: Then I’m not made for it. I still have to answer to Daniel in my con- AMY: Then I’m not made for it. I still have to answer to Daniel in my conscience. Not just Daniel, all those lives lost, in London, in Von Braun’s science. Not just Daniel, all those lives lost, in London, in Von Braun’s rocket factories. This can’t go unpunished. rocket factories. This can’t go unpunished.

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THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS Henry Meyerson Henry Meyerson More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Seriocomic Seriocomic Don, midthirties Don, midthirties Jim, midthirties Jim, midthirties

Old friends Don and Jim would rather talk golf than discuss their Old friends Don and Jim would rather talk golf than discuss their screwed-up marriages. screwed-up marriages.

(Jim and Don are sitting at a table in a coffee shop.) (Jim and Don are sitting at a table in a coffee shop.) JIM: You remember the eighth hole on that course. JIM: You remember the eighth hole on that course. DON: Dog leg left? DON: Dog leg left? JIM: Right. JIM: Right. DON: I think it’s left, Jimmy. DON: I think it’s left, Jimmy. JIM: No, I mean you’re right, it’s left. JIM: No, I mean you’re right, it’s left. DON: Got ya. DON: Got ya. JIM: What, about 310 to the pin, right? JIM: What, about 310 to the pin, right? DON: Yeah. DON: Yeah. JIM: Reached it with a driver and wedge. JIM: Reached it with a driver and wedge. DON: Get out. DON: Get out. JIM: Dropped it pin high. JIM: Dropped it pin high. DON: Get out. DON: Get out. JIM: Knocked it down for a birdy wordy, Donny, baby. JIM: Knocked it down for a birdy wordy, Donny, baby. DON: Son of a gun. DON: Son of a gun. JIM: Even better. On the twelfth . . . JIM: Even better. On the twelfth . . . DON: About 515? DON: About 515? JIM: Exactly. JIM: Exactly. DON: Sand traps. DON: Sand traps. JIM: Like the fucking Sahara. JIM: Like the fucking Sahara. DON: So? DON: So? JIM: Driver, three wood, nine iron, one putt and gone, baby. JIM: Driver, three wood, nine iron, one putt and gone, baby. DON: You birdied the twelfth? DON: You birdied the twelfth? JIM: You got it. JIM: You got it. DON: Get out. DON: Get out.

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JIM: Birdy wordy, Donny, baby. JIM: Birdy wordy, Donny, baby. DON: Good going, big guy. DON: Good going, big guy. JIM: Yup. Two birdy wordies for the round. JIM: Yup. Two birdy wordies for the round. DON: What’d you shoot for the round? DON: What’d you shoot for the round? JIM: The whole round? JIM: The whole round? DON: Yeah. With the two birdies, what’d you shoot? DON: Yeah. With the two birdies, what’d you shoot? JIM: 104. JIM: 104. DON: That’s not a score, Jimmy, it’s a fever. DON: That’s not a score, Jimmy, it’s a fever. JIM: Sure, Don, never mind my good holes. You always have to be a downer. JIM: Sure, Don, never mind my good holes. You always have to be a downer. I tell you my good stuff, you make sure to bring up my bad. I tell you my good stuff, you make sure to bring up my bad. DON: Just asking. DON: Just asking. JIM: Well, sometimes you should lighten up, Donny. JIM: Well, sometimes you should lighten up, Donny. DON: I feel light. Sometimes you ignore the dark side, Luke. DON: I feel light. Sometimes you ignore the dark side, Luke. JIM: Very funny. JIM: Very funny. DON: Just trying to “lighten up.” DON: Just trying to “lighten up.” JIM: You play in Florida? JIM: You play in Florida? DON: Yeah. DON: Yeah. JIM: How’d you make out, Tiger? JIM: How’d you make out, Tiger? DON: Fine. DON: Fine. JIM: Liar. JIM: Liar. DON: Just fine, thank you. DON: Just fine, thank you. JIM: You’re not going to tell, are you? JIM: You’re not going to tell, are you? DON: Not after this little exchange. I’d be like a sitting duck. DON: Not after this little exchange. I’d be like a sitting duck. JIM: Annie go with you? JIM: Annie go with you? DON: Of course. DON: Of course. JIM: She play. JIM: She play. DON: Yup. DON: Yup. JIM: This is like pulling teeth. JIM: This is like pulling teeth. DON: You ask, I tell. DON: You ask, I tell. JIM: How is Annie? JIM: How is Annie? DON: She tends to slice and not much of a short game. DON: She tends to slice and not much of a short game. JIM: How is Annie? JIM: How is Annie? DON: I left her. DON: I left her. JIM: Where? JIM: Where? DON: At the beach. DON: At the beach. JIM: Don’t blame you. I hate the beach. JIM: Don’t blame you. I hate the beach. DON: I left her. DON: I left her. JIM: Yeah, you said. That’s how come you’re here. JIM: Yeah, you said. That’s how come you’re here. DON: I mean I left her. DON: I mean I left her.

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JIM: Left as in left left. JIM: Left as in left left. DON: As in bye-bye. DON: As in bye-bye. JIM: At the beach. JIM: At the beach. DON: Staring into the sea and babbling about seagulls shitting on people. DON: Staring into the sea and babbling about seagulls shitting on people. After five days of listening to her, I felt staples were being driven into my After five days of listening to her, I felt staples were being driven into my head. head. JIM: You never see that happen, do you? JIM: You never see that happen, do you? DON: Of course you don’t. The staples thing is just a figure of speech. DON: Of course you don’t. The staples thing is just a figure of speech. JIM: I was talking about the seagulls. Given the number of seagulls at the JIM: I was talking about the seagulls. Given the number of seagulls at the beach, you’d think you would have seen at least once in a while someone beach, you’d think you would have seen at least once in a while someone get shat on. get shat on. DON: Is that a real word? DON: Is that a real word? JIM: Which? JIM: Which? DON: Shat. DON: Shat. JIM: No idea, but you get the point. Have you heard from her? JIM: No idea, but you get the point. Have you heard from her? DON: Who? DON: Who? JIM: Anne. JIM: Anne. DON: No. DON: No. JIM: You haven’t spoken? JIM: You haven’t spoken? DON: Not a word. DON: Not a word. JIM: You’ve been married . . . JIM: You’ve been married . . . DON: Ten years. DON: Ten years. JIM: And you just . . . JIM: And you just . . . DON: No, not just, Jim. Jeez, give me some credit. DON: No, not just, Jim. Jeez, give me some credit. JIM: So how long . . . ? JIM: So how long . . . ? DON: About a week. DON: About a week. JIM: Still sounds like a . . . JIM: Still sounds like a . . . DON: Not a snap decision, Jim. Plenty of thought went into this. (Beat.) DON: Not a snap decision, Jim. Plenty of thought went into this. (Beat.) Well, maybe not plenty, but enough. It was the fucking seagulls put it Well, maybe not plenty, but enough. It was the fucking seagulls put it over the edge. over the edge. JIM: Yeah, I can see that. JIM: Yeah, I can see that. DON: Where’s Sandy? DON: Where’s Sandy? JIM: Not sure. When I got back a couple of days ago from the golfing thingee, JIM: Not sure. When I got back a couple of days ago from the golfing thingee, she wasn’t here. she wasn’t here. DON: Ah. You thought she would be home, then. DON: Ah. You thought she would be home, then. JIM: No reason to think otherwise, right? I mean she’s always been home JIM: No reason to think otherwise, right? I mean she’s always been home when I got there. when I got there. DON: Didn’t she go with you on this trip? DON: Didn’t she go with you on this trip? JIM: Yeah. JIM: Yeah.

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DON: So . . . DON: So . . . JIM: I was putting out the seventh hole, turned around, and she was gone. JIM: I was putting out the seventh hole, turned around, and she was gone. When I got back to the room she was gone. I just figured she’d gotten When I got back to the room she was gone. I just figured she’d gotten bored and went home. bored and went home. DON: So what did you do? DON: So what did you do? JIM: Finished out the weekend. Beautiful course. JIM: Finished out the weekend. Beautiful course. DON: Yeah, I remember. DON: Yeah, I remember. JIM: Two birdy wordies. JIM: Two birdy wordies. DON: She leave a note? DON: She leave a note? JIM: No. JIM: No. DON: Well, at least we know she’s not with her mother. DON: Well, at least we know she’s not with her mother. JIM: How do we know that? JIM: How do we know that? DON: Isn’t her mother dead? DON: Isn’t her mother dead? JIM: Oh, that’s right. Boy, that old lady hated me. JIM: Oh, that’s right. Boy, that old lady hated me. DON: Why’s that? DON: Why’s that? JIM: She thought I played too much golf. Apparently her ex-husband played JIM: She thought I played too much golf. Apparently her ex-husband played a lot of golf. a lot of golf. DON: That would be Sandy’s . . . DON: That would be Sandy’s . . . JIM: No. That was her stepfather. Her father just disappeared one day. JIM: No. That was her stepfather. Her father just disappeared one day. DON: How do you disappear? DON: How do you disappear? JIM: Way Sandy tells it, he left the house to buy some cough drops and never JIM: Way Sandy tells it, he left the house to buy some cough drops and never came home. came home. DON: So there was no note? DON: So there was no note? JIM: From her father? JIM: From her father? DON: No, Sandy. DON: No, Sandy. JIM: Nope. JIM: Nope. DON: Anything missing? DON: Anything missing? JIM: Some of her clothes. JIM: Some of her clothes.

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SLIPPING SLIPPING Daniel Talbott Daniel Talbott

Dramatic Dramatic Eli, fifteen Eli, fifteen Chris, seventeen Chris, seventeen

Alone, numb, and friendless after the violent death of his father, high Alone, numb, and friendless after the violent death of his father, high school senior Eli moves with his mom from San Francisco to a fresh start school senior Eli moves with his mom from San Francisco to a fresh start in Iowa. A new relationship with a boy named Jake at school exposes in Iowa. A new relationship with a boy named Jake at school exposes Eli again to the possibility of closeness and the danger of being swal- Eli again to the possibility of closeness and the danger of being swallowed by it. In this scene, Eli and high school senior Chris sit on a beach lowed by it. In this scene, Eli and high school senior Chris sit on a beach at the Marin Headlands, California, immediately after Eli’s father’s fu- at the Marin Headlands, California, immediately after Eli’s father’s funeral. Both attempt to reach out to each other — the openly bisexual neral. Both attempt to reach out to each other — the openly bisexual Eli and the severely conflicted and closeted Chris — and the harder they Eli and the severely conflicted and closeted Chris — and the harder they try the more the walls close in on their passionate and abusive relation- try the more the walls close in on their passionate and abusive relationship. (Note: The use of “ ...... ” constitutes a beat, a breath, a ship. (Note: The use of “ ...... ” constitutes a beat, a breath, a change in thought, a shift, maybe a thought within a thought.) change in thought, a shift, maybe a thought within a thought.)

(The beach. 1 a.m. Eli’s in a suit jacket and Chris has a black sweater and (The beach. 1 a.m. Eli’s in a suit jacket and Chris has a black sweater and jacket. Long silence. The sound of waves. Sounds of the ocean.) jacket. Long silence. The sound of waves. Sounds of the ocean.) CHRIS: It’s really late. CHRIS: It’s really late. ELI: ...... ELI: ...... CHRIS: I need to get going. CHRIS: I need to get going. My parents’ll be pissed if I’m not home. My parents’ll be pissed if I’m not home. ELI: ...... ELI: ...... (Silence. The ocean.) (Silence. The ocean.) CHRIS: It seemed nice. Like . . . CHRIS: It seemed nice. Like . . . There were a lot of people there. There were a lot of people there. ELI: Yeah. ELI: Yeah. CHRIS: You have a big family. CHRIS: You have a big family. ELI: ...... ELI: ...... CHRIS: You close? CHRIS: You close? ELI: Not really. ELI: Not really. It’s all my dad’s. It’s all my dad’s. My mother was . . . My mother was . . . Wasn’t really a big hit with the in-laws. Wasn’t really a big hit with the in-laws.

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CHRIS: Yeah. CHRIS: Yeah. Family can be funny. Family can be funny. My mother can’t stand her sisters. My mother can’t stand her sisters. She thinks they’re all a bunch of back-stabbing cunts out to fuck my She thinks they’re all a bunch of back-stabbing cunts out to fuck my grandparents. grandparents. ELI: Yeah. ELI: Yeah. CHRIS: I liked the song. CHRIS: I liked the song. My dad loves it. My dad loves it. He loves that album. He loves that album. Says it reminds him of growing up. Says it reminds him of growing up. Reminds him of his brothers. Reminds him of his brothers. He used to listen to it as a kid all the time. He used to listen to it as a kid all the time. ELI: ...... ELI: ...... CHRIS: It’s good. CHRIS: It’s good. ELI: Yeah. ELI: Yeah. (Short silence.) (Short silence.) CHRIS: It was weird meeting your mom. CHRIS: It was weird meeting your mom. I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t really know what to say. ELI: ...... ELI: ...... (Silence. The ocean.) (Silence. The ocean.) CHRIS: I wish you were a girl. CHRIS: I wish you were a girl. (Short pause.) (Short pause.) CHRIS: (Continued.) Kendra thinks you are. CHRIS: (Continued.) Kendra thinks you are. Like a girl trapped in a guy’s body. Like a girl trapped in a guy’s body. (Silence. The ocean.) (Silence. The ocean.) ELI: I didn’t recognize half the people there today. ELI: I didn’t recognize half the people there today. I didn’t know who they were or what they were talking about. I didn’t know who they were or what they were talking about. I kept thinking I was in the wrong place. I kept thinking I was in the wrong place. Like at the wrong funeral. Like at the wrong funeral. It wasn’t registering. It wasn’t registering. I couldn’t . . . I couldn’t . . . People kept saying sorry, but I couldn’t make it out. People kept saying sorry, but I couldn’t make it out. (Beat.) (Beat.) I wanted to touch you. I wanted to touch you. I kept wanting to hold your hand. I kept wanting to hold your hand. I wanted you to sit with me. I wanted you to sit with me. (Silence. The ocean.) (Silence. The ocean.) CHRIS: My parents don’t want us hanging out anymore. CHRIS: My parents don’t want us hanging out anymore. They don’t want us seeing each other. They don’t want us seeing each other.

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ELI: Why? ELI: Why? CHRIS: They think you’re sick. CHRIS: They think you’re sick. They think you’re fucked up and you’re rubbing off on me. They think you’re fucked up and you’re rubbing off on me. (Short pause.) (Short pause.) ELI: What do you think? ELI: What do you think? CHRIS: That I can’t help it if you like guys. CHRIS: That I can’t help it if you like guys. That you need to figure your shit out. That you need to figure your shit out. That I have a girlfriend. That I have a girlfriend. That I don’t give a fuck about you. That I don’t give a fuck about you. That if you ever call me or try to touch me again I’ll fucking kill you. That if you ever call me or try to touch me again I’ll fucking kill you. That the only reason I’m here is ’cause your pussy-ass father killed him- That the only reason I’m here is ’cause your pussy-ass father killed himself in a car accident. self in a car accident. (Silence.) (Silence.)

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SLOW FALLING BIRD SLOW FALLING BIRD Christine Evans Christine Evans More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Rick, midthirties Rick, midthirties Micko, late twenties to early thirties Micko, late twenties to early thirties

Slow Falling Bird is set in the early 2000s at Woomera Immigration De- Slow Falling Bird is set in the early 2000s at Woomera Immigration De- tention Centre. It’s a hot, remote hell-hole in the South Australian desert tention Centre. It’s a hot, remote hell-hole in the South Australian desert where Middle Eastern asylum seekers are mandatorily detained, due to where Middle Eastern asylum seekers are mandatorily detained, due to a “get tough on immigration” policy. Once a U.S. army base and satel- a “get tough on immigration” policy. Once a U.S. army base and satellite spy center, the town has been revitalized by the private prison indus- lite spy center, the town has been revitalized by the private prison industry and the sudden influx of detained refugees. In this play, Woomera is try and the sudden influx of detained refugees. In this play, Woomera is at once a real place and a hallucination within a kind of desert of the at once a real place and a hallucination within a kind of desert of the mind. Rick and Micko are prison guards. Rick is an old-timer with a mind. Rick and Micko are prison guards. Rick is an old-timer with a short fuse and problems at home; Micko is the new guy, a bit younger short fuse and problems at home; Micko is the new guy, a bit younger than Rick. He’s a bit adrift, playing down his part-Aboriginal back- than Rick. He’s a bit adrift, playing down his part-Aboriginal background and anxious to fit in. We first meet them in this scene on look- ground and anxious to fit in. We first meet them in this scene on lookout, guarding the long, vacant, perimeter fence in the midday out, guarding the long, vacant, perimeter fence in the midday sun. (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue sun. (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue overlaps the current one.) overlaps the current one.)

(Micko and Rick are on lookout. They squint out toward the perimeter (Micko and Rick are on lookout. They squint out toward the perimeter fence.) fence.) MICKO: (Spotting movement.) What was that? MICKO: (Spotting movement.) What was that? RICK: Where? RICK: Where? MICKO: There! You see? Right by the fence! MICKO: There! You see? Right by the fence! RICK: Nup. RICK: Nup. (They stare for a while.) (They stare for a while.) MICKO: There it goes. MICKO: There it goes. RICK: Rabbit. RICK: Rabbit. (Beat.) (Beat.) MICKO: The worst thing about this dump is the heat. MICKO: The worst thing about this dump is the heat. RICK: It’s not the heat mate. RICK: It’s not the heat mate. MICKO: Heat’s pretty bad. MICKO: Heat’s pretty bad.

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RICK: Yup. (Beat.) It’s hot all right. (Beat.) Nah, the worst thing is that it RICK: Yup. (Beat.) It’s hot all right. (Beat.) Nah, the worst thing is that it doesn’t let up. doesn’t let up. MICKO: ’S what I said. MICKO: ’S what I said. RICK: Nope, it’s different. The worst thing’s the boredom. RICK: Nope, it’s different. The worst thing’s the boredom. MICKO: Yeah, not much to do. MICKO: Yeah, not much to do. RICK: Four head counts a day, talk about useless. Same heads, nothing in ’em RICK: Four head counts a day, talk about useless. Same heads, nothing in ’em except misery and lice. except misery and lice. (Beat.) (Beat.) MICKO: Mate. You ever think about leaving? MICKO: Mate. You ever think about leaving? RICK: Nope. RICK: Nope. MICKO: Big world out there. Not that you can see much of it from here. MICKO: Big world out there. Not that you can see much of it from here. RICK: You see enough. Way to the pub. Way home. My wife’s pretty face. RICK: You see enough. Way to the pub. Way home. My wife’s pretty face. What else do you need? What else do you need? MICKO: Something different. MICKO: Something different. RICK: Like what? RICK: Like what? MICKO: I dunno. Something old, like in Europe. MICKO: I dunno. Something old, like in Europe. RICK: It’s different for blow-ins like you. I grew up here when the Yanks were RICK: It’s different for blow-ins like you. I grew up here when the Yanks were doing all the early warning missile stuff. Top secret, special access only doing all the early warning missile stuff. Top secret, special access only — place was crawling with spies and special services. Pub was like a beer — place was crawling with spies and special services. Pub was like a beer fountain. Always something going on, F1-11s flying in the top blokes fountain. Always something going on, F1-11s flying in the top blokes for meetings, you felt like you were part of / something, you know? for meetings, you felt like you were part of / something, you know? MICKO: (Spotting movement.) What was that? MICKO: (Spotting movement.) What was that? RICK: Where? RICK: Where? MICKO: Over there. (They squint out.) It’s gone now. MICKO: Over there. (They squint out.) It’s gone now. RICK: What is this, the bunny-rabbit police? RICK: What is this, the bunny-rabbit police? MICKO: Sorry. MICKO: Sorry. RICK: Relax. (Beat.) Eyes play tricks on you, it’s the sun. RICK: Relax. (Beat.) Eyes play tricks on you, it’s the sun. MICKO: Bright, all right. MICKO: Bright, all right. RICK: Fucking blinding. RICK: Fucking blinding. MICKO: And nothing for miles. Flat as a day-old beer. MICKO: And nothing for miles. Flat as a day-old beer. RICK: Old lady’s tit. RICK: Old lady’s tit. MICKO: Snake on the Hume Highway. MICKO: Snake on the Hume Highway. RICK: Fart joke at a funeral. RICK: Fart joke at a funeral. (Beat.) (Beat.) MICKO: Yep, she’s flat, all right. MICKO: Yep, she’s flat, all right. RICK: Should have seen it when the Yanks were here, everything shined up. RICK: Should have seen it when the Yanks were here, everything shined up. Seven thousand here, everyone working — man, once they left we Seven thousand here, everyone working — man, once they left we couldn’t scrape up a footy team. My first job after the Yanks closed down couldn’t scrape up a footy team. My first job after the Yanks closed down the army base was painting the playgrounds. Just painting a bunch of the the army base was painting the playgrounds. Just painting a bunch of the

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old missiles they left behind for the kids. Blue, like Thomas the Tank old missiles they left behind for the kids. Blue, like Thomas the Tank Engine. They looked pretty good in the red dirt. But it was fucking de- Engine. They looked pretty good in the red dirt. But it was fucking depressing, working all day on a playground with no kids in it. pressing, working all day on a playground with no kids in it. MICKO: Must have been real quiet. I like the quiet out here. You can hear MICKO: Must have been real quiet. I like the quiet out here. You can hear yourself stop thinking. yourself stop thinking. RICK: You’re full of bullshit mate. Quiet means dead. The camp rescued this RICK: You’re full of bullshit mate. Quiet means dead. The camp rescued this town from the morgue. town from the morgue. MICKO: Yeah well, the money’s good. But you’d want it to be. MICKO: Yeah well, the money’s good. But you’d want it to be. RICK: What do you mean? RICK: What do you mean? MICKO: Oh, you know. The kids. Cutting themselves up and all that. That’s MICKO: Oh, you know. The kids. Cutting themselves up and all that. That’s stressful, that is. stressful, that is. RICK: That stuff just goes straight through me. It’s like the heat, it’s always RICK: That stuff just goes straight through me. It’s like the heat, it’s always there. Sends you to sleep. (Beat.) Wouldn’t mind waking up occasionally. there. Sends you to sleep. (Beat.) Wouldn’t mind waking up occasionally. MICKO: Yeah well, you get pretty lively down at Spud’s. MICKO: Yeah well, you get pretty lively down at Spud’s. (Sings, parodying Rick.) — Do you remember when — (Sings, parodying Rick.) — Do you remember when — We used to sing. Sha na na na / na na na. We used to sing. Sha na na na / na na na. RICK: Come on, that’s only when we’re shitfaced. RICK: Come on, that’s only when we’re shitfaced. MICKO: When you’re shitfaced, you mean. MICKO: When you’re shitfaced, you mean. RICK: What do you do for fun? Go home and beat off to porn movies? RICK: What do you do for fun? Go home and beat off to porn movies? (Beat.) (Beat.) MICKO: You were just saying how great it was here MICKO: You were just saying how great it was here RICK: Bullshit. I said I grew up here. RICK: Bullshit. I said I grew up here. (Beat.) (Beat.) MICKO: How’s Joy? MICKO: How’s Joy? RICK: The same. Beautiful. RICK: The same. Beautiful. MICKO: You should think about getting out. MICKO: You should think about getting out. RICK: She doesn’t like going out. RICK: She doesn’t like going out. MICKO: I mean — a trip or something. MICKO: I mean — a trip or something. RICK: She likes being at home. She’s a homemaker. RICK: She likes being at home. She’s a homemaker. MICKO: Well, yeah / but — MICKO: Well, yeah / but — RICK: Wouldn’t mind something real happening, know what I mean? RICK: Wouldn’t mind something real happening, know what I mean? MICKO: Like what? Another riot? Camp to burn down? MICKO: Like what? Another riot? Camp to burn down? RICK: Nah, stuff inside doesn’t count. Something real. Something that would RICK: Nah, stuff inside doesn’t count. Something real. Something that would wake me up. Know what I mean? wake me up. Know what I mean? MICKO: Yeah. — No, not really. MICKO: Yeah. — No, not really. RICK: Forget it. — (Beat.) — What was that? — Over there. RICK: Forget it. — (Beat.) — What was that? — Over there. (Micko springs to alert, looking out. Rick laughs at him.) (Micko springs to alert, looking out. Rick laughs at him.) RICK: Bunny-rabbit alert. RICK: Bunny-rabbit alert. MICKO: (Amiably.) You prick. MICKO: (Amiably.) You prick.

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RICK: Dickhead. RICK: Dickhead. MICKO: Shit-for-brains. MICKO: Shit-for-brains. RICK: Wanker. RICK: Wanker. MICKO: Moron. MICKO: Moron. RICK: Bunny-fucker. RICK: Bunny-fucker. (Beat. They stand looking out.) (Beat. They stand looking out.) RICK: It’s hot, all right. RICK: It’s hot, all right.

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Comic Comic Pete, thirties Pete, thirties Nicholas, thirties Nicholas, thirties

Pete and Nicholas are brothers who work for the census bureau. Pete and Nicholas are brothers who work for the census bureau. Nicholas has been acting strangely lately due to the recent birth of his Nicholas has been acting strangely lately due to the recent birth of his horribly deformed daughter. Pete doesn’t know about this yet. All he horribly deformed daughter. Pete doesn’t know about this yet. All he knows is that his brother has been sending out rather demented census knows is that his brother has been sending out rather demented census questionnaires, and he wants to know why. questionnaires, and he wants to know why.

(Nicholas at work. Pete sticks his head over the cubicle wall.) (Nicholas at work. Pete sticks his head over the cubicle wall.) PETE: Hey, uh, bro. You got a minute. PETE: Hey, uh, bro. You got a minute. NICHOLAS: I’m actually in the middle of — NICHOLAS: I’m actually in the middle of — PETE: No, I’m telling you. You’ve got a minute. Sixty seconds. Go. PETE: No, I’m telling you. You’ve got a minute. Sixty seconds. Go. (Pause.) (Pause.) NICHOLAS: . . . Go where? NICHOLAS: . . . Go where? PETE: “Go” as in “talk.” “Go” as in “explain.” PETE: “Go” as in “talk.” “Go” as in “explain.” (Nicholas just stares at him.) (Nicholas just stares at him.) PETE: No? You need a hint? OK. (Stretching.) Ohhh, yawn, yawn, I’m so tired, PETE: No? You need a hint? OK. (Stretching.) Ohhh, yawn, yawn, I’m so tired, what?! Is there a pig in here? what?! Is there a pig in here? NICHOLAS: Sorry? NICHOLAS: Sorry? PETE: I said, is there a pig in here? PETE: I said, is there a pig in here? NICHOLAS: What are you talking about? NICHOLAS: What are you talking about? PETE: I dunno, you tell me. We got a couple of calls about the new round of PETE: I dunno, you tell me. We got a couple of calls about the new round of surveys. Apparently, someone snuck in a little supplemental. surveys. Apparently, someone snuck in a little supplemental. Anything you maybe wanted to mention? Anything you maybe wanted to mention? Weirdo violent questionnaire, fifty-two, fifty-one . . . Tick-tick, bro. Weirdo violent questionnaire, fifty-two, fifty-one . . . Tick-tick, bro. You’re wasting my time and yours. And time is money, which is power, You’re wasting my time and yours. And time is money, which is power, which is money, which neither of us is gonna have pretty soon when we which is money, which neither of us is gonna have pretty soon when we both lose our jobs over this which is why you better start talking in the both lose our jobs over this which is why you better start talking in the next two seconds. next two seconds. One second. One second.

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NICHOLAS: It wasn’t weird. NICHOLAS: It wasn’t weird. PETE: Can’t hear you. PETE: Can’t hear you. NICHOLAS: It wasn’t weird. Or violent. Just a short survey. NICHOLAS: It wasn’t weird. Or violent. Just a short survey. PETE: Man, swear to crap, I wish we were still kids, so I could beat you up. PETE: Man, swear to crap, I wish we were still kids, so I could beat you up. (He holds up a copy of the survey.) It is weird. It’s, like, gnomes-in-a- (He holds up a copy of the survey.) It is weird. It’s, like, gnomes-in-a- cuckoo-clock weird. And it’s violent, and it’s no-joke, one-hundred- cuckoo-clock weird. And it’s violent, and it’s no-joke, one-hundred- percent, honest-to-fuck long. percent, honest-to-fuck long. NICHOLAS: If you’ve already seen it, why are you asking me about it? NICHOLAS: If you’ve already seen it, why are you asking me about it? PETE: (Reading.) “Would you kill a pig? If yes, continue below. If no, turn to PETE: (Reading.) “Would you kill a pig? If yes, continue below. If no, turn to page two.” First question! Would you kill a fucking pig? page two.” First question! Would you kill a fucking pig? NICHOLAS: Would you? NICHOLAS: Would you? PETE: Why would I want to kill a pig? I don’t even know what you’re talking PETE: Why would I want to kill a pig? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. about. NICHOLAS: Then turn to page two. NICHOLAS: Then turn to page two. (Beat. Pete does.) (Beat. Pete does.) PETE: “Is it OK for a hog farmer to kill a pig?” PETE: “Is it OK for a hog farmer to kill a pig?” “Have you ever eaten bacon?” “Have you ever eaten bacon?” “Are you a vegetarian-slash-Kosher?” “Are you a vegetarian-slash-Kosher?” “Have you ever been a member or groupie of a hardcore or thrash metal “Have you ever been a member or groupie of a hardcore or thrash metal band?” band?” NICHOLAS: I was being rigorous. NICHOLAS: I was being rigorous. PETE: Oh, here’s a good one. This might be my favorite. (Reading) “Please PETE: Oh, here’s a good one. This might be my favorite. (Reading) “Please number the items in the following list from one to twelve, in order of number the items in the following list from one to twelve, in order of your willingness to kill them, where one is ‘most acceptable’ and twelve your willingness to kill them, where one is ‘most acceptable’ and twelve is ‘least acceptable.’ A pig. A puppy. A roach. A cow. A horsefly. A horse. is ‘least acceptable.’ A pig. A puppy. A roach. A cow. A horsefly. A horse. A dragonfly. A dragon. A baby. A lobster. A celebrity. A stranger.” A dragonfly. A dragon. A baby. A lobster. A celebrity. A stranger.” NICHOLAS: I don’t really see what’s wrong with that. We have an enormous NICHOLAS: I don’t really see what’s wrong with that. We have an enormous sample set; we’re already asking questions; why not use them as a re- sample set; we’re already asking questions; why not use them as a re- source? Get some real answers. It’s important to me, Pete. source? Get some real answers. It’s important to me, Pete. PETE: Well, glad to see Little Nicky lookin’ out for numero one, but guess PETE: Well, glad to see Little Nicky lookin’ out for numero one, but guess what, bro? It’s not important to the census bureau. Not on their time and what, bro? It’s not important to the census bureau. Not on their time and not on their dime. Hey, d’ja hear that? Maybe I should skip this statis- not on their dime. Hey, d’ja hear that? Maybe I should skip this statis- tics shit and become Poet Fucking Laureate. ’Cause you know, that tics shit and become Poet Fucking Laureate. ’Cause you know, that would be important to me. would be important to me. NICHOLAS: Pete — NICHOLAS: Pete — PETE: No, and two? You’re upsetting people. We got complaints from nearly PETE: No, and two? You’re upsetting people. We got complaints from nearly every district about this, people saying they’re not gonna return any of every district about this, people saying they’re not gonna return any of the forms, claiming mental aggravation — the forms, claiming mental aggravation —

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NICHOLAS: Because I’m making them think? Asking them to step back for NICHOLAS: Because I’m making them think? Asking them to step back for one moment, and consider their personal ethos — one moment, and consider their personal ethos — PETE: No, you schmuck, it’s because you’re asking them to KILL things. For PETE: No, you schmuck, it’s because you’re asking them to KILL things. For sixteen fucking pages! sixteen fucking pages! NICHOLAS: But it’s not about killing. It’s qualitative analysis, and it’s about NICHOLAS: But it’s not about killing. It’s qualitative analysis, and it’s about keeping. What makes something worth the effort. Is it better if it’s an- keeping. What makes something worth the effort. Is it better if it’s an- tique? Expensive? Beautiful? Historic? If it provides sustenance? If you’re tique? Expensive? Beautiful? Historic? If it provides sustenance? If you’re homeless, would you chop down a two-hundred-year-old tree to build homeless, would you chop down a two-hundred-year-old tree to build shelter? If you’re freezing, would you use it for firewood? Or other things shelter? If you’re freezing, would you use it for firewood? Or other things — rare books? Is anything flammable fair game? What if you’re not — rare books? Is anything flammable fair game? What if you’re not freezing — what if you’re just cold? Is it worth it to warm your hands freezing — what if you’re just cold? Is it worth it to warm your hands briefly over the Gutenberg Bible? Or how about just a bunch of blank briefly over the Gutenberg Bible? Or how about just a bunch of blank paper? What if you didn’t realize that that blank paper was about to con- paper? What if you didn’t realize that that blank paper was about to con- tain the next Great American Novel? tain the next Great American Novel? PETE: Dude. PETE: Dude. All we want to know is race, gender, income, dependents, how far All we want to know is race, gender, income, dependents, how far do you fucking commute to work? You want to “figure something out” do you fucking commute to work? You want to “figure something out” about people’s ethos . . . es? Fine! Go. Take some time off, but don’t ac- about people’s ethos . . . es? Fine! Go. Take some time off, but don’t ac- cost an entire city! cost an entire city! Seriously. Toolshed. What is wrong with you? This is a fireable of- Seriously. Toolshed. What is wrong with you? This is a fireable of- fense I gotta cover up here, plus you’re slacking on the job, don’t think fense I gotta cover up here, plus you’re slacking on the job, don’t think I’m the only one who’s noticed, reading fucking psychology books — I’m the only one who’s noticed, reading fucking psychology books — NICHOLAS: Philosophy. NICHOLAS: Philosophy. PETE: And top it all off, Ma’s still calling me, trying to reach you, says you PETE: And top it all off, Ma’s still calling me, trying to reach you, says you dropped off the face of the earth, she’s worried you’re dead or worse, and dropped off the face of the earth, she’s worried you’re dead or worse, and I can’t help thinking: Is this my fault? Was I that camel who gave my I can’t help thinking: Is this my fault? Was I that camel who gave my brother a straw to sip from, and then broke his back? ’Cause I gotta say, brother a straw to sip from, and then broke his back? ’Cause I gotta say, I’m doubting my choice to give you that presentation now. And I don’t I’m doubting my choice to give you that presentation now. And I don’t like being doubted. Particularly by myself. like being doubted. Particularly by myself. NICHOLAS: No. Pete. You’re not — You’re not wrong about me. I can do the NICHOLAS: No. Pete. You’re not — You’re not wrong about me. I can do the presentation. presentation. PETE: Yeah, but why would I still LET you? PETE: Yeah, but why would I still LET you? (Pause.) (Pause.) NICHOLAS: Right. NICHOLAS: Right. PETE: Fuck yeah, I’m right. PETE: Fuck yeah, I’m right. (Pause. Staredown.) (Pause. Staredown.) Remove the supplementals. All of them. Call anyone who received Remove the supplementals. All of them. Call anyone who received one. Alert them that there’s been a prank. A prank. We don’t know by one. Alert them that there’s been a prank. A prank. We don’t know by

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who; we’re gonna find out. Apologize. I’m talking profuse. Use some of who; we’re gonna find out. Apologize. I’m talking profuse. Use some of your big philosophy words. your big philosophy words. Stop reading philosophy at work. Stop reading philosophy at work. Call Ma. Call Ma. (Pete looks at his watch.) (Pete looks at his watch.) FYI, this little convo took us five minutes, easy. Did I say “sixty sec- FYI, this little convo took us five minutes, easy. Did I say “sixty seconds”? Yes, I did. What I did not say was “sixty seconds or more.” onds”? Yes, I did. What I did not say was “sixty seconds or more.” (Pete looks for something to hit, to release pent-up anger. Settles on the cubi- (Pete looks for something to hit, to release pent-up anger. Settles on the cubicle wall. He punches it.) cle wall. He punches it.) Waste of my life, I swear. Waste of my life, I swear.

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SOUL SAMURAI SOUL SAMURAI Qui Nguyen Qui Nguyen

Comic Comic Dewdrop, nineteen Dewdrop, nineteen Cert, nineteen Cert, nineteen

Dewdrop, a down-and-out teenage girl, explains how she first met Cert, Dewdrop, a down-and-out teenage girl, explains how she first met Cert, a high-energy b-boy (a break dancer), to the audience. Then, we see Cert a high-energy b-boy (a break dancer), to the audience. Then, we see Cert trying to pick up an uninterested Dewdrop at an abandoned bus stop. trying to pick up an uninterested Dewdrop at an abandoned bus stop. (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue overlaps (Note: A backslash [/] indicates where the next line of dialogue overlaps the current one.) the current one.)

DEWDROP: (To audience.) Yeah, I was a cliché of self-inflicting pain. I was DEWDROP: (To audience.) Yeah, I was a cliché of self-inflicting pain. I was hurting and I wanted to hurt. I wanted revenge. I knew who to blame hurting and I wanted to hurt. I wanted revenge. I knew who to blame for all this — the Longtooths — but had no power in stopping them. for all this — the Longtooths — but had no power in stopping them. (Lights come up on Cert as he jams out wearing headphones.) (Lights come up on Cert as he jams out wearing headphones.) DEWDROP: (Voiceover, continued.): And that’s when I met him . . . DEWDROP: (Voiceover, continued.): And that’s when I met him . . . CERT: (To himself.) My name is Cert CERT: (To himself.) My name is Cert I’m here to kick it I’m here to kick it Don’t step to me, boy, Don’t step to me, boy, ’Cause my shit is wicked ’Cause my shit is wicked Ninja fly shit is how I be dealin’ it Ninja fly shit is how I be dealin’ it I’m a Samurai, son, so you best be feelin’ it I’m a Samurai, son, so you best be feelin’ it Konichiwa, bozu, Konichiwa, bozu, Fuck you up old Schoo’ Fuck you up old Schoo’ Knock out ya teeth like a Eastside Sifu Knock out ya teeth like a Eastside Sifu Remember these words Remember these words Remember my face Remember my face I’m the C. E. R. T. I’m the C. E. R. T. This hood’s my place. This hood’s my place. DEWDROP: Hey! Will you shut the fuck up? DEWDROP: Hey! Will you shut the fuck up? CERT: Why hello there, fly girl. CERT: Why hello there, fly girl. DEWDROP: No, you don’t have to come over — DEWDROP: No, you don’t have to come over — CERT: Yo, baby, did you clean your pants with Windex? Cause I can practi- CERT: Yo, baby, did you clean your pants with Windex? Cause I can practically see myself in them. cally see myself in them. DEWDROP: That was lame. DEWDROP: That was lame.

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CERT: My name? Did you just ask me my name? CERT: My name? Did you just ask me my name? DEWDROP: No, I said “That was lame.” DEWDROP: No, I said “That was lame.” CERT: My name is Damon. But my homies call me Cert. \ You can call me CERT: My name is Damon. But my homies call me Cert. \ You can call me anything you want. anything you want. DEWDROP: Don’t sit by me. OK, now you’re sitting by me. Great. You’re com- DEWDROP: Don’t sit by me. OK, now you’re sitting by me. Great. You’re completely ignoring — pletely ignoring — CERT: What’s yo’ name? CERT: What’s yo’ name? DEWDROP: Fuck off. DEWDROP: Fuck off. CERT: Is that Russian? CERT: Is that Russian? DEWDROP: Look, bozu. You should probably go ahead and give up cause I DEWDROP: Look, bozu. You should probably go ahead and give up cause I ain’t / interested. ain’t / interested. CERT: I love Russian chicks. CERT: I love Russian chicks. DEWDROP: Do I look Russian? DEWDROP: Do I look Russian? CERT: Not traditionally. But I’m black and I ain’t exactly dark-complected, CERT: Not traditionally. But I’m black and I ain’t exactly dark-complected, now am I? My mom’s Jewish. But I’m hung like a brotha if you know now am I? My mom’s Jewish. But I’m hung like a brotha if you know what I mean . . . what I mean . . . DEWDROP: No, I certainly don’t. DEWDROP: No, I certainly don’t. CERT: You wanna go find a place we can go talk in private like? CERT: You wanna go find a place we can go talk in private like? DEWDROP: Look, I like girls, OK? DEWDROP: Look, I like girls, OK? CERT: So do I. CERT: So do I. DEWDROP: No. I’m a lesbian. DEWDROP: No. I’m a lesbian. CERT: Well, Cinderella was a bum before she got transformed by her Fairy CERT: Well, Cinderella was a bum before she got transformed by her Fairy Godmother. Godmother. DEWDROP: Are you my Fairy Godmother now? DEWDROP: Are you my Fairy Godmother now? CERT: No, but I do got a magic stick! HEY-O! CERT: No, but I do got a magic stick! HEY-O! DEWDROP: That was horrible. DEWDROP: That was horrible. CERT: But it made you crack a smile. CERT: But it made you crack a smile. DEWDROP: You stupid. DEWDROP: You stupid. CERT: I might be stupid, but I ain’t the one waiting at a bus stop that hasn’t CERT: I might be stupid, but I ain’t the one waiting at a bus stop that hasn’t seen a bus in over a year. What? seen a bus in over a year. What? DEWDROP: Touché. DEWDROP: Touché. CERT: So do you wanna — CERT: So do you wanna — DEWDROP: No. DEWDROP: No. CERT: OK. Can I just get your — CERT: OK. Can I just get your — DEWDROP: No. DEWDROP: No. Look, we’re not going to hang out, we’re not gonna make time, be Look, we’re not going to hang out, we’re not gonna make time, be buds, bump fists, or be homies, not even in the most general sense. I buds, bump fists, or be homies, not even in the most general sense. I don’t like you, OK? This is not going to or ever going to happen, ya dig? don’t like you, OK? This is not going to or ever going to happen, ya dig? CERT: We’ll see. CERT: We’ll see.

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Seriocomic Seriocomic Simon, thirties to forties Simon, thirties to forties Mickey, thirties to forties Mickey, thirties to forties

Simon is a reporter, interested in stirring up trouble over a local the- Simon is a reporter, interested in stirring up trouble over a local theater’s production of Rapture in America (a doppelgänger for Angels in ater’s production of Rapture in America (a doppelgänger for Angels in America). Here, he invades the actors’ dressing room to confront one of America). Here, he invades the actors’ dressing room to confront one of the actors in the play. the actors in the play.

SIMON: Excuse me? Mr. Stedman? SIMON: Excuse me? Mr. Stedman? MICKEY: Just a minute MICKEY: Just a minute SIMON: Simon Fitzsimmons. With The Repository SIMON: Simon Fitzsimmons. With The Repository MICKEY: Oh my God! Hi! Yeah! Hi! Come on in! MICKEY: Oh my God! Hi! Yeah! Hi! Come on in! SIMON: No need to put on pants on my account. SIMON: No need to put on pants on my account. (Mickey hesitates.) (Mickey hesitates.) SIMON: I mean. Of course you can. I don’t not want you to wear pants. SIMON: I mean. Of course you can. I don’t not want you to wear pants. MICKEY: Right, no, I don’t care. Whatever! You know! We’re all friends here, MICKEY: Right, no, I don’t care. Whatever! You know! We’re all friends here, right? (Mickey laughs.) right? (Mickey laughs.) SIMON: Absolutely. I just wonder if I can catch a word with you? Is this your SIMON: Absolutely. I just wonder if I can catch a word with you? Is this your dinner break? dinner break? MICKEY: (Sitting again, his pants half way up.) No. I mean, yes, technically, but MICKEY: (Sitting again, his pants half way up.) No. I mean, yes, technically, but I’m not hungry. (Holds up a little Tupperware container.) I’m not hungry. (Holds up a little Tupperware container.) MICKEY: I’ve got carrot sticks. Would you like one? MICKEY: I’ve got carrot sticks. Would you like one? SIMON: No. Thank you. I loved your work in Will Rogers’ Follies. SIMON: No. Thank you. I loved your work in Will Rogers’ Follies. MICKEY: Thank you, it was a great cast, great company, thank you. And it was MICKEY: Thank you, it was a great cast, great company, thank you. And it was right after our production of Amadeus, so it was quite a shift — right after our production of Amadeus, so it was quite a shift — SIMON: Yeah. I didn’t care so much for that one. SIMON: Yeah. I didn’t care so much for that one. MICKEY: Me either. MICKEY: Me either. SIMON: But I loved Will Rogers’ Follies. SIMON: But I loved Will Rogers’ Follies. MICKEY: And I loved your review of Will Rogers’ Follies. MICKEY: And I loved your review of Will Rogers’ Follies. SIMON: Very different role now, isn’t it? SIMON: Very different role now, isn’t it? MICKEY: Less singing and lassoing, yes. MICKEY: Less singing and lassoing, yes.

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SIMON: More immune-deficiency disorders and guilt-ridden religious hallu- SIMON: More immune-deficiency disorders and guilt-ridden religious hallu- cinations. cinations. MICKEY: (Laughs.) Yes! Yes, exactly! Yes. MICKEY: (Laughs.) Yes! Yes, exactly! Yes. (Beat. Mickey sits expectantly.) (Beat. Mickey sits expectantly.) SIMON: So is all the furor affecting your performance SIMON: So is all the furor affecting your performance MICKEY: What furor? MICKEY: What furor? SIMON: The — SIMON: The — MICKEY: Oh, that, yeah, yeah, no. No. We’re all just hunkering down, you MICKEY: Oh, that, yeah, yeah, no. No. We’re all just hunkering down, you know. know. (Simon starts writing.) (Simon starts writing.) MICKEY: We’re trying to make a family of art, you know, to serve the com- MICKEY: We’re trying to make a family of art, you know, to serve the community with stories that can be scary or happy campfire stories that we munity with stories that can be scary or happy campfire stories that we tell with grace and happiness. Stories with new things our family may tell with grace and happiness. Stories with new things our family may not have heard of, like anal intercourse. not have heard of, like anal intercourse. (Simon looks up.) (Simon looks up.) MICKEY: We’re making art MICKEY: We’re making art SIMON: (Jots that down.) Are you scared? SIMON: (Jots that down.) Are you scared? MICKEY: Of? MICKEY: Of? SIMON: (Shrugs.) Hate mail, death threats, that sort of thing. SIMON: (Shrugs.) Hate mail, death threats, that sort of thing. MICKEY: No. None of that. MICKEY: No. None of that. (Beat. Simon writes.) (Beat. Simon writes.) MICKEY: Why. Have you heard something? MICKEY: Why. Have you heard something? SIMON: Not specifically. There’s just some people out there. Angry people. SIMON: Not specifically. There’s just some people out there. Angry people. Angry people who own firearms. I think you’re very brave. Angry people who own firearms. I think you’re very brave. MICKEY: What, um, what kind of firearms MICKEY: What, um, what kind of firearms SIMON: You all planning any security? SIMON: You all planning any security? MICKEY: . . . I don’t know MICKEY: . . . I don’t know SIMON: What would you say to these people? SIMON: What would you say to these people? MICKEY: Um. MICKEY: Um. SIMON: I mean, you must be furious too, right? SIMON: I mean, you must be furious too, right? MICKEY: . . . I don’t know . . . MICKEY: . . . I don’t know . . . SIMON: Here they are threatening your art, your very life — I mean you could SIMON: Here they are threatening your art, your very life — I mean you could be acting, saying your lines and BOOM there’s a bullet in your jugular be acting, saying your lines and BOOM there’s a bullet in your jugular and you’re writhing on the stage spraying blood because you committed and you’re writhing on the stage spraying blood because you committed the sin of taking off your clothes! Don’t you have anything you’d want the sin of taking off your clothes! Don’t you have anything you’d want to tell these people? to tell these people? MICKEY: . . . put down the rifle? MICKEY: . . . put down the rifle? SIMON: (Doesn’t write.) You’re a very popular actor in town, Mickey. SIMON: (Doesn’t write.) You’re a very popular actor in town, Mickey. MICKEY: Thank you. MICKEY: Thank you.

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SIMON: So I wonder what it does to your career to be a homosexual . . . SIMON: So I wonder what it does to your career to be a homosexual . . . (Mickey starts to respond.) (Mickey starts to respond.) SIMON: onstage. SIMON: onstage. MICKEY: But I’m not! I mean I am playing one, but I’m playing one. I mean MICKEY: But I’m not! I mean I am playing one, but I’m playing one. I mean not that I’m not not playing one in real life, but that’s not the point, I’m not that I’m not not playing one in real life, but that’s not the point, I’m an actor! an actor! SIMON: A naked gay actor in the Bible Belt. SIMON: A naked gay actor in the Bible Belt. MICKEY: No!! I’m pretending! I play a gay man the way I’d play . . . Daddy MICKEY: No!! I’m pretending! I play a gay man the way I’d play . . . Daddy Warbucks in Annie. Warbucks in Annie. SIMON: You think Daddy Warbucks was gay? SIMON: You think Daddy Warbucks was gay? MICKEY: NO!! I mean, no, not that I’m not saying he’s not gay, I’m saying that MICKEY: NO!! I mean, no, not that I’m not saying he’s not gay, I’m saying that it’s a role, I’m acting. I’m an actor. I take in orphans and have consen- it’s a role, I’m acting. I’m an actor. I take in orphans and have consen- sual male intercourse. That’s what I have to give to the community. sual male intercourse. That’s what I have to give to the community. SIMON: (Writing furiously, glances up and — smiles.) Thank you. SIMON: (Writing furiously, glances up and — smiles.) Thank you.

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THE UNDERSTUDY THE UNDERSTUDY Theresa Rebeck Theresa Rebeck

Comic Comic Harry, thirties Harry, thirties Jake, thirties Jake, thirties

Harry is the new understudy for Jake, whose career as an action film Harry is the new understudy for Jake, whose career as an action film star is starting to take off. Harry is a struggling stage actor who resents star is starting to take off. Harry is a struggling stage actor who resents Jake’s film celebrity. During a break in rehearsal, the two dudes bond. Jake’s film celebrity. During a break in rehearsal, the two dudes bond.

HARRY: You know, I meant what I said. About your acting. HARRY: You know, I meant what I said. About your acting. JAKE: Surprised you, huh? The action star can actually pull it out? JAKE: Surprised you, huh? The action star can actually pull it out? HARRY: Well, you know, you can’t really tell anything from those movies. In HARRY: Well, you know, you can’t really tell anything from those movies. In between explosions there’s not a lot of room for — subtlety. between explosions there’s not a lot of room for — subtlety. JAKE: You’re a snob. JAKE: You’re a snob. HARRY: I’m not a snob. I’m an understudy. Come on, do it. HARRY: I’m not a snob. I’m an understudy. Come on, do it. JAKE: Do what? JAKE: Do what? HARRY: (Mouthing.) “Get in the truck.” HARRY: (Mouthing.) “Get in the truck.” JAKE: You want me to do it? JAKE: You want me to do it? (Harry nods. After a moment — ) (Harry nods. After a moment — ) JAKE: (Continued, full out.) GET IN THE TRUCK! JAKE: (Continued, full out.) GET IN THE TRUCK! (It is awesome.) (It is awesome.) HARRY: That’s good. That is, it’s good. HARRY: That’s good. That is, it’s good. (Jake grins; they both know it’s ridiculous and thrilling.) (Jake grins; they both know it’s ridiculous and thrilling.) JAKE: Why are you doing this, man? You’re a real actor. Roxanne is right. JAKE: Why are you doing this, man? You’re a real actor. Roxanne is right. There’s like no chance you’ll ever go on. You know that, don’t you? There’s like no chance you’ll ever go on. You know that, don’t you? HARRY: I might go on. HARRY: I might go on. JAKE: Dude, you might go on, and the entire audience might ask for their JAKE: Dude, you might go on, and the entire audience might ask for their money back. money back. HARRY: There might be a few people out there who are coming to see a first- HARRY: There might be a few people out there who are coming to see a first- rate production of Kafka on Broadway. rate production of Kafka on Broadway. JAKE: Yeah, nobody cares about those people. They care about all those other JAKE: Yeah, nobody cares about those people. They care about all those other people coming in on buses from New Jersey. And trust me, THOSE people coming in on buses from New Jersey. And trust me, THOSE people are coming to see me and Bruce. people are coming to see me and Bruce. HARRY: But what if Bruce gets sick and you have to go on for Bruce. Then I HARRY: But what if Bruce gets sick and you have to go on for Bruce. Then I would go on for you. would go on for you. JAKE: Bruce doesn’t get sick. JAKE: Bruce doesn’t get sick.

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HARRY: He might get sick. Or you might get sick and then I would go on HARRY: He might get sick. Or you might get sick and then I would go on for you. for you. JAKE: It’s Broadway, nobody gets sick. JAKE: It’s Broadway, nobody gets sick. HARRY: Everybody gets sick. HARRY: Everybody gets sick. JAKE: Nobody gets sick on Broadway. People leave shows. Bruce could leave JAKE: Nobody gets sick on Broadway. People leave shows. Bruce could leave the show, he could get mercury poisoning and leave the show, and then the show, he could get mercury poisoning and leave the show, and then I would go on for him and they would cast some other movie star as me. I would go on for him and they would cast some other movie star as me. HARRY: So you wouldn’t be you anymore, you would be Bruce. HARRY: So you wouldn’t be you anymore, you would be Bruce. JAKE: That’s right. JAKE: That’s right. HARRY: But I would still be me. I would still be the understudy. HARRY: But I would still be me. I would still be the understudy. JAKE: Yeah. JAKE: Yeah. HARRY: So I might go on. HARRY: So I might go on. JAKE: You’re not going on! JAKE: You’re not going on! HARRY: I just don’t choose to see it that way. HARRY: I just don’t choose to see it that way. JAKE: Dude, it doesn’t matter how you choose to see it. JAKE: Dude, it doesn’t matter how you choose to see it. HARRY: It matters to me. HARRY: It matters to me. JAKE: It doesn’t matter to anyone else. JAKE: It doesn’t matter to anyone else. HARRY: If it doesn’t matter, then I can choose what I want. HARRY: If it doesn’t matter, then I can choose what I want. JAKE: You can choose what you want, but what you want is not your choice. JAKE: You can choose what you want, but what you want is not your choice. HARRY: You sound like Kafka now. HARRY: You sound like Kafka now. JAKE: Awesome. ’Cause he was really smart. JAKE: Awesome. ’Cause he was really smart. (Jake takes out a banana from the drawer and then a second, which he (Jake takes out a banana from the drawer and then a second, which he hands to Harry.) hands to Harry.) JAKE: Don’t tell Roxanne. She throws a fit when we eat the props. JAKE: Don’t tell Roxanne. She throws a fit when we eat the props. HARRY: Bananas. That’s right, the banana scene is coming up too. HARRY: Bananas. That’s right, the banana scene is coming up too. JAKE: So why are you doing this? I mean basically they just pay you not to JAKE: So why are you doing this? I mean basically they just pay you not to act, right? They pay you to learn the part and then just stand by? act, right? They pay you to learn the part and then just stand by? HARRY: The operative part of that sentence being “pay me.” HARRY: The operative part of that sentence being “pay me.” JAKE: You need the money. JAKE: You need the money. HARRY: An actor who needs money. Hmmmm. What a unique situation. HARRY: An actor who needs money. Hmmmm. What a unique situation. JAKE: Right? Right? JAKE: Right? Right? (He enjoys this. They eat their bananas.) (He enjoys this. They eat their bananas.) HARRY: Is that why you did the get-in-the-truck movie? HARRY: Is that why you did the get-in-the-truck movie? JAKE: I love that movie! I did it for artistic fulfillment, man! JAKE: I love that movie! I did it for artistic fulfillment, man! (He laughs and eats his banana.) (He laughs and eats his banana.) HARRY: OK, just for curiosity’s sake. HARRY: OK, just for curiosity’s sake. JAKE: Uh-huh. JAKE: Uh-huh. HARRY: Just to make me feel a little nauseous, help me get into character for HARRY: Just to make me feel a little nauseous, help me get into character for the rest of the scene — the rest of the scene —

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JAKE: Yeaaahhh. JAKE: Yeaaahhh. HARRY: How much. HARRY: How much. JAKE: (Working him.) How much what. JAKE: (Working him.) How much what. HARRY: Come on. HARRY: Come on. JAKE: Two point three. Million. JAKE: Two point three. Million. HARRY: (Shocked.) Two point three million what? Pesos? HARRY: (Shocked.) Two point three million what? Pesos? JAKE: Dollars. JAKE: Dollars. HARRY: Two point three MILLION dollars? That’s how much they paid you HARRY: Two point three MILLION dollars? That’s how much they paid you to make that terrible movie? Two point three million DOLLARS? to make that terrible movie? Two point three million DOLLARS? JAKE: It’s not that much after agents and lawyers and taxes. You know, it JAKE: It’s not that much after agents and lawyers and taxes. You know, it doesn’t go that far. doesn’t go that far. HARRY: It doesn’t go far? It’s millions of dollars! How could that not go far? HARRY: It doesn’t go far? It’s millions of dollars! How could that not go far? JAKE: It just doesn’t. Keeping the whole machine going costs a lot of money, JAKE: It just doesn’t. Keeping the whole machine going costs a lot of money, it doesn’t, you know — honestly I’m kind of a bottom basement movie it doesn’t, you know — honestly I’m kind of a bottom basement movie star. Two point three million? That’s actually a pretty lame quote. I kind star. Two point three million? That’s actually a pretty lame quote. I kind of got that part because the CGI was going to cost a fortune so they were of got that part because the CGI was going to cost a fortune so they were looking to save money and I was like the cheapest action star out there. looking to save money and I was like the cheapest action star out there. Bruce, you want to know what Bruce gets? Bruce, you want to know what Bruce gets? HARRY: I don’t know, do I? HARRY: I don’t know, do I? JAKE: Twenty-two. JAKE: Twenty-two. HARRY: Million. Twenty-two million DOLLARS? A movie? Like for one HARRY: Million. Twenty-two million DOLLARS? A movie? Like for one movie? movie? JAKE: Where have you been? Everybody in America knows that’s his quote. JAKE: Where have you been? Everybody in America knows that’s his quote. HARRY: And it doesn’t matter that he’s terrible? HARRY: And it doesn’t matter that he’s terrible? JAKE: Dude — you know you can’t say that right? Like, what if he was in the JAKE: Dude — you know you can’t say that right? Like, what if he was in the theater? theater? HARRY: Well, I wouldn’t say it if he was here. I’m not stupid. HARRY: Well, I wouldn’t say it if he was here. I’m not stupid. JAKE: Yeah that’s still up for debate because let me ask you this: What if he JAKE: Yeah that’s still up for debate because let me ask you this: What if he left something in his dressing room? Like his sweatshirt or something, left something in his dressing room? Like his sweatshirt or something, what if he left his favorite sweatshirt, by mistake, in his dressing room, what if he left his favorite sweatshirt, by mistake, in his dressing room, and he stopped by to pick it up. and he stopped by to pick it up. And he came in through the stage door because he’s just going to And he came in through the stage door because he’s just going to run in and get it? And he heard you saying this shit over the loudspeak- run in and get it? And he heard you saying this shit over the loudspeak- ers. What if that happened. ers. What if that happened. HARRY: He has a favorite sweatshirt? Why doesn’t he just buy another one, he HARRY: He has a favorite sweatshirt? Why doesn’t he just buy another one, he makes twenty-two million dollars a movie. makes twenty-two million dollars a movie. JAKE: You make that much money you don’t really buy things anymore. JAKE: You make that much money you don’t really buy things anymore. HARRY: What do you mean you don’t “buy” things? HARRY: What do you mean you don’t “buy” things? JAKE: Well, I don’t have that kind of money so I don’t fully understand this JAKE: Well, I don’t have that kind of money so I don’t fully understand this

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from the inside. But you know, you don’t “purchase” things. Things from the inside. But you know, you don’t “purchase” things. Things move different. When it gets that big, money — works — different. You move different. When it gets that big, money — works — different. You know this. know this. HARRY: No I don’t. HARRY: No I don’t. JAKE: You know, it like, floats. And then you float. It’s all about meaning. JAKE: You know, it like, floats. And then you float. It’s all about meaning. HARRY: Meaning? HARRY: Meaning? JAKE: Meaning. Like yes, no. Words. Meaning. JAKE: Meaning. Like yes, no. Words. Meaning. HARRY: What about meaning? HARRY: What about meaning? JAKE: That’s what I’m saying. The meaning changes. JAKE: That’s what I’m saying. The meaning changes. HARRY: What are we talking about? HARRY: What are we talking about? JAKE: OK look. Meaning. This is a banana. Only it’s not a banana, it’s a prop. JAKE: OK look. Meaning. This is a banana. Only it’s not a banana, it’s a prop. HARRY: It’s a prop AND a banana. HARRY: It’s a prop AND a banana. JAKE: Except to Bruce it’s nothing. It doesn’t exist. Bananas don’t exist JAKE: Except to Bruce it’s nothing. It doesn’t exist. Bananas don’t exist for him. for him. HARRY: Really? HARRY: Really? JAKE: No. Guatemala exists, because he could BUY Guatemala, and then the JAKE: No. Guatemala exists, because he could BUY Guatemala, and then the percentage of the gross national product that consists of banana futures in percentage of the gross national product that consists of banana futures in Guatemala, that would exist for him. But this banana? Has no meaning. Guatemala, that would exist for him. But this banana? Has no meaning. HARRY: Do YOU have meaning? HARRY: Do YOU have meaning? JAKE: What are you talking about. Me? Of course I have meaning. JAKE: What are you talking about. Me? Of course I have meaning. HARRY: Just not as much meaning. HARRY: Just not as much meaning. JAKE: I have meaning! JAKE: I have meaning! HARRY: Not as much meaning as you’d have if you made twenty-two million HARRY: Not as much meaning as you’d have if you made twenty-two million a movie. a movie. JAKE: I have more meaning than you. JAKE: I have more meaning than you. HARRY: Oh me, please. I have like negative meaning. What is negative mean- HARRY: Oh me, please. I have like negative meaning. What is negative meaning? Can you have negative meaning? If you have negative meaning is it ing? Can you have negative meaning? If you have negative meaning is it still meaning? still meaning? JAKE: You know who would know the answer to this? Kafka. JAKE: You know who would know the answer to this? Kafka. HARRY: Really, you think so? HARRY: Really, you think so? JAKE: Have you read the play? That’s what the play’s about! JAKE: Have you read the play? That’s what the play’s about! HARRY: You know I have to say I have read the play, but I don’t understand HARRY: You know I have to say I have read the play, but I don’t understand the play. the play. JAKE: You don’t understand the play? JAKE: You don’t understand the play? HARRY: Do you understand the play? HARRY: Do you understand the play? JAKE: Absolutely. JAKE: Absolutely. HARRY: What’s it about? HARRY: What’s it about? JAKE: It’s about meaning. JAKE: It’s about meaning.

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UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION Terrence McNally Terrence McNally More information on this playwright may be found in the More information on this playwright may be found in the “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com. “Meet Our Authors” tab at www.smithandkraus.com.

Dramatic Dramatic Chick, thirties to forties Chick, thirties to forties Leo, thirties to forties Leo, thirties to forties

Chick and Leo have gathered on the rooftop of their Greenwich Village Chick and Leo have gathered on the rooftop of their Greenwich Village apartment building with other residents to celebrate the fifth wedding apartment building with other residents to celebrate the fifth wedding anniversary of a couple, Leo and Nadine, who also live there. Chick is anniversary of a couple, Leo and Nadine, who also live there. Chick is a gay, alcoholic tour guide. Here, in a moment alone with Leo, he comes a gay, alcoholic tour guide. Here, in a moment alone with Leo, he comes on to him. on to him.

CHICK: We’ve got your Edith Piaf, Mrs. Darnell. She was right where I told CHICK: We’ve got your Edith Piaf, Mrs. Darnell. She was right where I told Leo she was. Leo she was. (He pronounces Edith the proper French way.) (He pronounces Edith the proper French way.) LEO: I thought her name was Edith? LEO: I thought her name was Edith? CHICK: It is, only in France it’s pronounced Ay-dee CHICK: It is, only in France it’s pronounced Ay-dee LEO: Here you go. LEO: Here you go. (Leo has put some progressive jazz on.) (Leo has put some progressive jazz on.) CHICK: That’s not Piaf. That’s not anyone. That’s not even human. CHICK: That’s not Piaf. That’s not anyone. That’s not even human. LEO: I’m going to open you up, Chick. (Calling.) Your gal is in the wings, LEO: I’m going to open you up, Chick. (Calling.) Your gal is in the wings, Mrs. Darnell. Mr. Davis is going to do his magic first. Mrs. Darnell. Mr. Davis is going to do his magic first. CHICK: I don’t want opening up. CHICK: I don’t want opening up. LEO: I’m giving you the sublime, Chick. Tell him, Mrs. Darnell! You’re an old LEO: I’m giving you the sublime, Chick. Tell him, Mrs. Darnell! You’re an old hipster, right? She must be asleep. You’re not listening. hipster, right? She must be asleep. You’re not listening. CHICK: I’m listening. CHICK: I’m listening. LEO: You don’t look like you’re listening. Will you tell Nadine if I smoke a LEO: You don’t look like you’re listening. Will you tell Nadine if I smoke a cigarette? cigarette? CHICK: Of course not. The way this evening’s going, I might even join you. CHICK: Of course not. The way this evening’s going, I might even join you. (Leo lights up and smokes.) (Leo lights up and smokes.) LEO: Listen to those intervals. Genius. You could disappear in them. LEO: Listen to those intervals. Genius. You could disappear in them. CHICK: I just don’t get it. CHICK: I just don’t get it. LEO: Tell me something, seriously, man to man: when was the last time you LEO: Tell me something, seriously, man to man: when was the last time you got laid, Chick? got laid, Chick?

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CHICK: I’m not going to answer that. CHICK: I’m not going to answer that. LEO: Why not? LEO: Why not? CHICK: I don’t want to. CHICK: I don’t want to. LEO: That’s a good reason. LEO: That’s a good reason. CHICK: It’s none of your business. CHICK: It’s none of your business. LEO: That’s another one. LEO: That’s another one. CHICK: When is the last time you got laid? CHICK: When is the last time you got laid? LEO: What’s today? Thursday — LEO: What’s today? Thursday — CHICK: Never mind! I don’t want to know. CHICK: Never mind! I don’t want to know. LEO: It’s what people do. They take physical pleasure in one another. LEO: It’s what people do. They take physical pleasure in one another. CHICK: I know that. CHICK: I know that. LEO: Without that pleasure, they . . . they. LEO: Without that pleasure, they . . . they. CHICK: They what? CHICK: They what? LEO: I don’t know. I’ve never lived without it. You grow up straight in the Vil- LEO: I don’t know. I’ve never lived without it. You grow up straight in the Vil- lage like I did, the world’s pretty much your oyster. Of course you grow lage like I did, the world’s pretty much your oyster. Of course you grow up gay in the Village, and you could pretty much say the same thing. up gay in the Village, and you could pretty much say the same thing. That was the old days. All you guys are in Chelsea now. That was the old days. All you guys are in Chelsea now. CHICK: 1 know. They left me to hold down the fort. CHICK: 1 know. They left me to hold down the fort. LEO: Don’t try to get me off point, Chick. Without that pleasure, they — LEO: Don’t try to get me off point, Chick. Without that pleasure, they — CHICK: Turn into me. Can we change the subject and the music now? CHICK: Turn into me. Can we change the subject and the music now? LEO: I didn’t say that. LEO: I didn’t say that. CHICK: Or Josie. CHICK: Or Josie. LEO: Tell me that’s a happy woman, Chick. LEO: Tell me that’s a happy woman, Chick. CHICK: Happiness is highly overrated. CHICK: Happiness is highly overrated. LEO: When was the last time someone put their arms around you and LEO: When was the last time someone put their arms around you and held you? held you? CHICK: I don’t remember CHICK: I don’t remember LEO: Nay holds me like that all the time. She’s always touching me. I’m al- LEO: Nay holds me like that all the time. She’s always touching me. I’m always touching her ways touching her CHICK: Aaron and I had that. CHICK: Aaron and I had that. LEO: Aaron’s gone. LEO: Aaron’s gone. CHICK: We were so happy. CHICK: We were so happy. LEO: You were happy. Aaron took his own life. LEO: You were happy. Aaron took his own life. (Chick turns back to the music.) (Chick turns back to the music.) CHICK: I’m sorry, I need a melody. CHICK: I’m sorry, I need a melody. LEO: You want stories, explanations where there are none. LEO: You want stories, explanations where there are none. (Chick turns off the music.) (Chick turns off the music.) CHICK: Have you ever been intimate with a man? CHICK: Have you ever been intimate with a man? LEO: I thought I was being intimate with one right now. LEO: I thought I was being intimate with one right now.

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CHICK: You know what I mean. CHICK: You know what I mean. LEO: I can’t believe you put it like that. What is this? Bible class? Yes, I have LEO: I can’t believe you put it like that. What is this? Bible class? Yes, I have been intimate with a man. You want details? been intimate with a man. You want details? CHICK: Yes. No. I don’t know. I thought you’d say “no, never,” even if you CHICK: Yes. No. I don’t know. I thought you’d say “no, never,” even if you had. had. LEO: How long have you waited to ask me that question? LEO: How long have you waited to ask me that question? CHICK: When did I first meet you? CHICK: When did I first meet you? LEO: Actually, I’ve slept with more than one man . . . LEO: Actually, I’ve slept with more than one man . . . CHICK: I can’t believe this. CHICK: I can’t believe this. LEO: Four, I think. LEO: Four, I think. CHICK: You think? CHICK: You think? LEO: No, four. LEO: No, four. CHICK: When was this? CHICK: When was this? LEO: At various intervals in my life. Not last night, if that’s what you’re think- LEO: At various intervals in my life. Not last night, if that’s what you’re thinking. High school, on the road once, stuff like that. ing. High school, on the road once, stuff like that. CHICK: What are the possibilities of making it five? CHICK: What are the possibilities of making it five? LEO: Remote, but I never say never, you know? Life happens. LEO: Remote, but I never say never, you know? Life happens. CHICK: I meant with me. CHICK: I meant with me. LEO: I know you did. LEO: I know you did. CHICK: I bet I could make you happy, Leo. And I don’t mean for five min- CHICK: I bet I could make you happy, Leo. And I don’t mean for five minutes right now. I mean happy for a long time, the long haul kind of utes right now. I mean happy for a long time, the long haul kind of happy. happy. LEO: No, you couldn’t, Chick, and that’s the tragedy of life. LEO: No, you couldn’t, Chick, and that’s the tragedy of life. CHICK: No, that’s the tragedy of my life. CHICK: No, that’s the tragedy of my life. LEO: That’s the tragedy of everybody’s life. LEO: That’s the tragedy of everybody’s life. CHICK: And you’re straight. CHICK: And you’re straight. LEO: Yes, I’m straight. LEO: Yes, I’m straight. CHICK: Except for four men. The Beginner’s Luck Four! CHICK: Except for four men. The Beginner’s Luck Four! LEO: Why do you always have to make a joke? LEO: Why do you always have to make a joke? CHICK: I honestly think I should have been one of them. CHICK: I honestly think I should have been one of them. LEO: I asked you a question. LEO: I asked you a question. CHICK: So I don’t get a gun and blow somebody’s head off. So I don’t drive CHICK: So I don’t get a gun and blow somebody’s head off. So I don’t drive the bus into the Hudson and drown forty uncomprehending foreigners. the bus into the Hudson and drown forty uncomprehending foreigners. So I don’t follow Aaron over that parapet. (Pause.) I’ll put your Miles So I don’t follow Aaron over that parapet. (Pause.) I’ll put your Miles back on. Anything is better than this. back on. Anything is better than this. (Music resumes.) (Music resumes.) LEO: Did you really sleep with — LEO: Did you really sleep with — CHICK: Josie? She’s pretty upset I — CHICK: Josie? She’s pretty upset I — LEO: I did, too. I slept with her right after I got married. LEO: I did, too. I slept with her right after I got married.

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CHICK: I know. She told me. CHICK: I know. She told me. LEO: That bitch. And I mean that affectionately. I like Josie. LEO: That bitch. And I mean that affectionately. I like Josie. CHICK: She didn’t exactly tell me, she let me surmise. CHICK: She didn’t exactly tell me, she let me surmise. LEO: She’s probably down there right now letting Nadine surmise. LEO: She’s probably down there right now letting Nadine surmise. CHICK: Josie wouldn’t do that. CHICK: Josie wouldn’t do that. LEO: Nadine knows. I told her. Let sleeping dogs lie. That’s a lousy metaphor. LEO: Nadine knows. I told her. Let sleeping dogs lie. That’s a lousy metaphor. None of us are dogs. We try to do the right thing and end up doing ab- None of us are dogs. We try to do the right thing and end up doing absolutely the opposite. solutely the opposite. (Silence. Pause.) (Silence. Pause.) CHICK: Would you dance with me if I asked you? CHICK: Would you dance with me if I asked you? LEO: Sure. LEO: Sure. CHICK: You would? CHICK: You would? LEO: What’s the matter? LEO: What’s the matter? CHICK: You were supposed to say no. CHICK: You were supposed to say no. LEO: Life’s too short for that shit: Supposed to this, supposed to that. Who LEO: Life’s too short for that shit: Supposed to this, supposed to that. Who makes that shit up? makes that shit up? (Dance music with a good beat fills the night. Leo makes a space for them to (Dance music with a good beat fills the night. Leo makes a space for them to dance, then goes to Chick and stands very close to him.) dance, then goes to Chick and stands very close to him.) LEO: Be gentle with me, Chick, I’ve never danced with a man before. Who’s LEO: Be gentle with me, Chick, I’ve never danced with a man before. Who’s gonna lead? gonna lead? CHICK: Well, I’m certainly not. CHICK: Well, I’m certainly not. (They start to dance. They look surprisingly good together surprisingly (They start to dance. They look surprisingly good together surprisingly quickly.) quickly.) CHICK: You’re good. CHICK: You’re good. LEO: Thank you. So are you. LEO: Thank you. So are you. CHICK: Thank you. CHICK: Thank you. LEO: I guess you did this with Aaron. LEO: I guess you did this with Aaron. CHICK: He didn’t like to dance. CHICK: He didn’t like to dance. LEO: Maybe he didn’t know how. LEO: Maybe he didn’t know how. CHICK: He never wanted to. CHICK: He never wanted to. LEO: He could have taken lessons. LEO: He could have taken lessons. CHICK: I tried to teach him. It wasn’t natural to him. Josie was the dancer in CHICK: I tried to teach him. It wasn’t natural to him. Josie was the dancer in the family. (Calling off to a neighboring apartment house.) What are you the family. (Calling off to a neighboring apartment house.) What are you looking at? You never saw two men dancing together before? Go back to looking at? You never saw two men dancing together before? Go back to Cleveland! Cleveland! LEO: That’s telling ’em. LEO: That’s telling ’em. CHICK: Let’s hope they don’t come up here! CHICK: Let’s hope they don’t come up here! LEO: Let ’em try. I’ll take care of them. LEO: Let ’em try. I’ll take care of them. CHICK: I know you would. CHICK: I know you would.

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LEO: I’m pretty good that way; I’m a New Yorker. You’re from New Jersey. You LEO: I’m pretty good that way; I’m a New Yorker. You’re from New Jersey. You should be pretty good that way, too. should be pretty good that way, too. CHICK: I’m not from that part of New Jersey. CHICK: I’m not from that part of New Jersey. CHICK: Are you trying to seduce me, Leo? CHICK: Are you trying to seduce me, Leo? LEO: No way! LEO: No way! CHICK: Then why are you dancing like you’re trying to seduce me? CHICK: Then why are you dancing like you’re trying to seduce me? LEO: I’m Italian. It’s how we dance. What are you? LEO: I’m Italian. It’s how we dance. What are you? CHICK: Gay. It’s how we dance, too. CHICK: Gay. It’s how we dance, too. LEO: Not every dance is a seduction, Chick. LEO: Not every dance is a seduction, Chick. LEO: It’s just a dance LEO: It’s just a dance CHICK: That’s either very profound or very stupid. CHICK: That’s either very profound or very stupid. LEO: It’s the truth. LEO: It’s the truth. CHICK: I hate that word. CHICK: I hate that word. LEO: No, you hate the concept. LEO: No, you hate the concept. CHICK: Only in New York would I be dancing on a roof with a straight man CHICK: Only in New York would I be dancing on a roof with a straight man on his wedding anniversary. on his wedding anniversary. (Leo stops dancing and looks at Chick.) (Leo stops dancing and looks at Chick.) LEO: Marry Josie, Chick LEO: Marry Josie, Chick CHICK: Marry Josie? Where did that come from? CHICK: Marry Josie? Where did that come from? LEO: Take care of each other while there’s still time to. LEO: Take care of each other while there’s still time to. CHICK: When I asked you if we should, you said “that’s nuts.” CHICK: When I asked you if we should, you said “that’s nuts.” LEO: That was a lifetime ago. A lot’s happened since then. Think about it, just LEO: That was a lifetime ago. A lot’s happened since then. Think about it, just think. Will you do that, Chick? think. Will you do that, Chick? CHICK: There isn’t a day that I don — (Chick stops dancing.) Has this whole CHICK: There isn’t a day that I don — (Chick stops dancing.) Has this whole evening been a setup? evening been a setup? LEO: No way, Chick. Nadine and I are not that kind of cunning people. We’re LEO: No way, Chick. Nadine and I are not that kind of cunning people. We’re fucking quasi-hippies. This is completely spontaneous, like dancing with fucking quasi-hippies. This is completely spontaneous, like dancing with you is. you is. (He is leading Chick back into dancing with him again.) (He is leading Chick back into dancing with him again.) Swinging and swaying with our across-the-hall neighbor and telling Swinging and swaying with our across-the-hall neighbor and telling him to allow some love in his life was the last thing I had in mind when him to allow some love in his life was the last thing I had in mind when we came up here tonight. we came up here tonight.

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IMPORTANT NOTE: The complete text of every play in this volume is avail- IMPORTANT NOTE: The complete text of every play in this volume is available from the performance rights holder, except as otherwise noted. able from the performance rights holder, except as otherwise noted.

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AMERICAN WHUP-ASS © 2007 by Justin Warner. Reprinted by permis- AMERICAN WHUP-ASS © 2007 by Justin Warner. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Original Works sion of the author. For performance rights, contact Original Works (www.originalworksonline.com/americanwhup-ass.htm). (www.originalworksonline.com/americanwhup-ass.htm). CELL © 2009 by Judy Klass. Reprinted by permission of the author. For per- CELL © 2009 by Judy Klass. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY formance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). DEFENDER OF THE FAITH © 2008 by Stuart Carolan. Reprinted by DEFENDER OF THE FAITH © 2008 by Stuart Carolan. Reprinted by permission of Curtis Brown, London. For performance rights, contact permission of Curtis Brown, London. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). DRIVING GREEN © 2009 by Martin Blank. Reprinted by permission of DRIVING GREEN © 2009 by Martin Blank. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Pat McLaughlin, Beacon the author. For performance rights, contact Pat McLaughlin, Beacon Artists Agency ([email protected]). The entire text of this play Artists Agency ([email protected]). The entire text of this play is published by Smith and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. is published by Smith and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE © 2008 by Arthur Giron. Reprinted by permission EMILIE’S VOLTAIRE © 2008 by Arthur Giron. Reprinted by permission of Barbara Hogenson. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, of Barbara Hogenson. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 206-8990). 206-8990). EMOTION MEMORY © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of EMOTION MEMORY © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). FARRAGUT NORTH © 2008 by Beau Willimon. Reprinted by permission FARRAGUT NORTH © 2008 by Beau Willimon. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). FROST/NIXON © 2009 by Peter Morgan. Reprinted by permission of FROST/NIXON © 2009 by Peter Morgan. Reprinted by permission of Victoria Fox, Faber and Faber. For performance rights, contact Drama- Victoria Fox, Faber and Faber. For performance rights, contact Drama- tists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www tists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE © 2009 by Mark Schultz. Reprinted by THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE © 2009 by Mark Schultz. Reprinted by permission of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance permission of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance

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rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). THE GOOD NEGRO © 2008 by Tracey Scott Wilson. Reprinted by per- THE GOOD NEGRO © 2008 by Tracey Scott Wilson. Reprinted by permission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance mission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). GROUND © 2010 by Lisa Dillman. Reprinted by permission of Selma Lut- GROUND © 2010 by Lisa Dillman. Reprinted by permission of Selma Lut- tinger, Robert Freedman Dramatic Agency. For performance rights, con- tinger, Robert Freedman Dramatic Agency. For performance rights, contact Selma Luttinger ([email protected]). tact Selma Luttinger ([email protected]). GUINEA PIG SOLO © 2009 by Brett C. Leonard. Reprinted by permission GUINEA PIG SOLO © 2009 by Brett C. Leonard. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Broadway Play Publish- of the author. For performance rights, contact Broadway Play Publish- ing, 56 E. 81st St., New York, NY 10021 (www.broadwayplaypubl.com) ing, 56 E. 81st St., New York, NY 10021 (www.broadwayplaypubl.com) (212-772-8334). (212-772-8334). A HUMAN INTEREST STORY (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL) A HUMAN INTEREST STORY (OR THE GORY DETAILS AND ALL) © 2008 by Carlos Murillo. Reprinted by permission of Antje Oegel, AO © 2008 by Carlos Murillo. Reprinted by permission of Antje Oegel, AO International. For performance rights, contact Antje Oegel (aoegel@ International. For performance rights, contact Antje Oegel (aoegel@ aoegelinternational.com). The entire text of this play is published by aoegelinternational.com). The entire text of this play is published by Smith and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. Smith and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. IN THE SAWTOOTHS © 2009 by Dano Madden. Reprinted by permis- IN THE SAWTOOTHS © 2009 by Dano Madden. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 sion of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206- W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206- 8990). 8990). LOST GENERATION © 2008 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of LOST GENERATION © 2008 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO HEAVEN © 2009 by Russell Davis. MAHIDA’S EXTRA KEY TO HEAVEN © 2009 by Russell Davis. Reprinted by permission of Susan Gurman. For performance rights, Reprinted by permission of Susan Gurman. For performance rights, con tact Susan Gurman ([email protected]). con tact Susan Gurman ([email protected]). MEATBALL HERO © 2009 by Richard Vetere. Reprinted by permission of MEATBALL HERO © 2009 by Richard Vetere. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Smith and Kraus (www the author. For performance rights, contact Smith and Kraus (www .smithandkraus.com). The entire text of this play is published by Smith .smithandkraus.com). The entire text of this play is published by Smith and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. and Kraus in The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2010. MISTAKES WERE MADE © 2009 by Craig Wright. Reprinted by permis- MISTAKES WERE MADE © 2009 by Craig Wright. Reprinted by permission of Beth Blickers, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, sion of Beth Blickers, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Beth Blickers ([email protected]). contact Beth Blickers ([email protected]). NEW JERUSALEM © 2009 by David Ives. Reprinted by permission of NEW JERUSALEM © 2009 by David Ives. Reprinted by permission of Peter Hagan, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Peter Hagan, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960).

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NEXT FALL © 2009 by Geoffrey Nauffts. Reprinted by permission of NEXT FALL © 2009 by Geoffrey Nauffts. Reprinted by permission of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Olivier Sultan ([email protected]). Olivier Sultan ([email protected]). 9 CIRCLES © 2009 by Bill Cain. Reprinted by permission of Beth Blickers, 9 CIRCLES © 2009 by Bill Cain. Reprinted by permission of Beth Blickers, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Beth Blickers Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Beth Blickers ([email protected]) ([email protected]) THE OPTIMIST © 2009 by Jason Chimonides. Reprinted by permission THE OPTIMIST © 2009 by Jason Chimonides. Reprinted by permission of Pouya Shahbazian, Mandown Pictures & Management. For perfor- of Pouya Shahbazian, Mandown Pictures & Management. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New mance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). OUR HOUSE © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted by per- OUR HOUSE © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel mission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). (212-206-8990). PARASITE DRAG © 2009 by Mark Roberts. Reprinted by permission of PARASITE DRAG © 2009 by Mark Roberts. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY © 2007 by Craig Lucas. Reprinted by permis- PRAYER FOR MY ENEMY © 2007 by Craig Lucas. Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For sion of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). PUSSY BOY © 2002 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permission of Pere- PUSSY BOY © 2002 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permission of Pere- grine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Peregrine Whittlesey grine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Peregrine Whittlesey ([email protected]) ([email protected]) RAVISHED © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the author. RAVISHED © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). REENTRY © 2010 by Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez. Reprinted by per- REENTRY © 2010 by Emily Ackerman and KJ Sanchez. Reprinted by permission of the authors. For performance rights, contact Emily Ackerman mission of the authors. For performance rights, contact Emily Ackerman ([email protected]) and KJ Sanchez ([email protected]). ([email protected]) and KJ Sanchez ([email protected]). THE REST OF THE NIGHT © 2009 by Robert Lewis Vaughan. Re - THE REST OF THE NIGHT © 2009 by Robert Lewis Vaughan. Re - printed by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact printed by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ © 2009 by Mark Saltzman. Reprinted by per- ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ © 2009 by Mark Saltzman. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, mission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 206-8990). 206-8990).

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THE ROOKY WOOD © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of THE ROOKY WOOD © 2009 by Don Nigro. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). ROUGH SKETCH © 2007 by Shawn Nacol. Reprinted by permission of ROUGH SKETCH © 2007 by Shawn Nacol. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Ron Gwiazda, Abrams the author. For performance rights, contact Ron Gwiazda, Abrams Artists Agency ([email protected]). Artists Agency ([email protected]). SLIPPING © 2009 by Daniel Talbott. Reprinted by permission of Morgan SLIPPING © 2009 by Daniel Talbott. Reprinted by permission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). SMUDGE © 2010 by Rachel Axler. Reprinted by permission of Mark SMUDGE © 2010 by Rachel Axler. Reprinted by permission of Mark Subias. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., Subias. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). SOUTHERN RAPTURE © 2008 by Eric Coble. Reprinted by permission SOUTHERN RAPTURE © 2008 by Eric Coble. Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For per- of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma ([email protected]). formance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma ([email protected]). SUICIDE, INCORPORATED © 2008 by Andrew Hinderaker. Reprinted SUICIDE, INCORPORATED © 2008 by Andrew Hinderaker. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Andrew by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Andrew Hinderaker ([email protected]). Hinderaker ([email protected]). THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY © 2009 by Sheila THAT PRETTY PRETTY; OR, THE RAPE PLAY © 2009 by Sheila Callaghan. Reprinted by permission of Seth Glewen, The Gersh Agency. Callaghan. Reprinted by permission of Seth Glewen, The Gersh Agency. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). THE THIRD STORY © 2008 by Charles Busch. Reprinted by permission THE THIRD STORY © 2008 by Charles Busch. Reprinted by permission of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, con- of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www tact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www .samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). .samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). TROJAN BARBIE © 2007 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permission of TROJAN BARBIE © 2007 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permission of Peregrine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, Peregrine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 206-8990). 206-8990). THE UNDERSTUDY © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted THE UNDERSTUDY © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuel- Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). french.com) (212-206-8990). THE UNSEEN. © by Craig Wright. Reprinted by permission of Beth Blick- THE UNSEEN. © by Craig Wright. Reprinted by permission of Beth Blick- ers, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Beth Blick- ers, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Beth Blick- ers ([email protected]). ers ([email protected]).

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UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION © 2009 by Terrence McNally. UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION © 2009 by Terrence McNally. Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma (jxl@ Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma (jxl@ wmeentertainment.com). wmeentertainment.com).

SCENES SCENES

CREATURE © 2009 by Heidi Schreck. Reprinted by permission of Morgan CREATURE © 2009 by Heidi Schreck. Reprinted by permission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Morgan Jenness ([email protected]). Jenness ([email protected]). DREAMTIME. © 2008 by Maura Campbell. Reprinted by permission of DREAMTIME. © 2008 by Maura Campbell. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Maura Campbell (ibsen the author. For performance rights, contact Maura Campbell (ibsen [email protected]). [email protected]). FARRAGUT NORTH © 2008 by Beau Willimon. Reprinted by permission FARRAGUT NORTH © 2008 by Beau Willimon. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). THE GOOD NEGRO © 2008 by Tracey Scott Wilson. Reprinted by per- THE GOOD NEGRO © 2008 by Tracey Scott Wilson. Reprinted by permission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance mission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). LIONS © 2009 Vince Melocchi. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, LIONS © 2009 Vince Melocchi. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 206-8990). 206-8990). NEXT FALL © 2009 by Geoffrey Nauffts. Reprinted by permission of NEXT FALL © 2009 by Geoffrey Nauffts. Reprinted by permission of Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Olivier Sultan, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Olivier Sultan ([email protected]). Olivier Sultan ([email protected]). OUR HOUSE © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted by per- OUR HOUSE © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc.. Reprinted by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel mission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). (212-206-8990). PARASITE DRAG © 2009 by Mark Roberts. Reprinted by permission of PARASITE DRAG © 2009 by Mark Roberts. Reprinted by permission of Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Chris Till, Creative Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). .dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ © 2009 by Mark Saltzman. Reprinted by per- ROCKET CITY, ALABAM’ © 2009 by Mark Saltzman. Reprinted by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, mission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French,

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45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212- 206-8990). 206-8990). THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS © 2009 by Henry Meyerson. Re - THE SECRET LIFE OF SEAGULLS © 2009 by Henry Meyerson. Re - printed by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact printed by permission of the author. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuel Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuel french.com) (212-206-8990). french.com) (212-206-8990). SLIPPING © 2009 by Daniel Talbot. Reprinted by permission of Morgan SLIPPING © 2009 by Daniel Talbot. Reprinted by permission of Morgan Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Drama- Jenness, Abrams Artists Agency. For performance rights, contact Drama- tists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Ave. S., New York, NY 10016 (www.dramatists.com) (212-683-8960). tists.com) (212-683-8960). SLOW FALLING BIRD © 2004 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permis- SLOW FALLING BIRD © 2004 by Christine Evans. Reprinted by permission of Peregrine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Peregrine sion of Peregrine Whittlesey. For performance rights, contact Peregrine Whittlesey ([email protected]). Whittlesey ([email protected]). SMUDGE © 2010 by Rachel Axler. Reprinted by permission of Mark SMUDGE © 2010 by Rachel Axler. Reprinted by permission of Mark Subias. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., Subias. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). SOUL SAMURAI. © 2009 by Qui Nguyen. Reprinted by permission of SOUL SAMURAI. © 2009 by Qui Nguyen. Reprinted by permission of Bruce Ostler, Bret Adams Ltd. For performance rights, contact Bruce Ostler, Bret Adams Ltd. For performance rights, contact Broadway Play Publishing, 56 E. 81st St., New York, NY 10021 Broadway Play Publishing, 56 E. 81st St., New York, NY 10021 (www.broadwayplaypubl.com) (212-772-8334). (www.broadwayplaypubl.com) (212-772-8334). SOUTHERN RAPTURE © 2008 by Eric Coble. Reprinted by permission SOUTHERN RAPTURE © 2008 by Eric Coble. Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For per- of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma ([email protected]). formance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma ([email protected]). THE UNDERSTUDY © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc. Reprinted THE UNDERSTUDY © 2009 by Madwoman in the Attic, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact by permission of Theresa Rebeck. For performance rights, contact Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuel- Samuel French, 45 W. 25th St., New York, NY 10010 (www.samuelfrench.com) (212-206-8990). french.com) (212-206-8990). UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION © 2009 by Terrence McNally. UNUSUAL ACTS OF DEVOTION © 2009 by Terrence McNally. Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Reprinted by permission of Jonathan Lomma, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma (jxl@ Entertainment. For performance rights, contact Jonathan Lomma (jxl@ wmeentertainment.com). wmeentertainment.com).

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