![[Censored by Critic]](http://data.docslib.org/img/08c539b201e6c3cff621d689568699d3-1.webp)
Official press statement, from a university spokeswoman, regarding the Critic magazines that went missing.
[CENSORED BY CRITIC]
AfterUniversity Proctor Dave Scott received information yesterday that copies of this week’s Critic magazine were requested to be removed from the Hospital and Dunedin Public Library foyers, the Campus Watch team on duty last night (Monday) removed the rest of the magazines from stands around the University.
The assumption was made that, copies of the magazine also needed to be removed from other public areas, and hence the Proctor made this decision.
This was an assumption, rightly or wrongly, that this action needed to be taken as the University is also a public place, where non-students regularly pass through. The Proctor understood that the reason copies of this week’s issue had been removed from public places, was that the cover was objectionable to many people including children who potentially might be exposed to it.
Today, issues of the magazine, which campus watch staff said numbered around 500 in total, could not be recovered from a skip on campus, and this is regrettable.
“I intend to talk to the Critic staff member tomorrow, and explain what has happened and why,” says Mr Scott.
The Campus Watch staff who spoke to the Critic Editor today, they were initially unaware of. yesterday’s removal of the magazines.
The University has no official view on the content of this week’s magazine. However, the University is aware that University staff members, and members of the public, have expressed an opinion that the cover of this issue was degrading to women.
The University made no decision to remove the editions of Criitc. Despite media being told this, some reports incorrectly imply or state that this is what occurred. We have sought corrections and clarifications on the erroneous reports.
What did occur was as incorrect assumption by staff in the proctor’s office. Because Critic staff had removed copies of the edition from the Dunedin Public Library and the Dunedin Public Hospital on Monday, as they are public places, staff int eh Proctor’s office believed that it should follow that copies also be removed from campus.
Regrettably they removed approximately 500 copies and disposed of them. No directions were given to Campus Watch from the university on this matter. This was a mistake.
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ISSUE 13 EDITORIAL
4
EDITORIAL
Editorial: Bloody Hell, What a Week
By Joel MacManus
There’re too many things I want to say and too little space to say them in, so here’s a big ol’ list of random thoughts about the Menstruation Issue.
• It wasn’t 500 copies, as the Uni insisted. I reckon it was somewhere around 1500- 2000 copies. We print 4500 copies. We put about 500 copies in halls, and normally have around 2000 copies picked up on Mondays. All the rest were taken.
• The chief censor’s office was cool with it. “While the image does depict an explicit view of female genitalia, the image is not sexualised, nor is it particularly degrading or dehumanising.”
• The Uni’s statment that we removed • Although I received an apology from Dave • CNN rang me at 1:30 am. Learn how time copies from the Public Library isn’t true. We Scott, the Proctor, I personally suspect it zones work, dude. never got a complaint from the Library. In wasn’t him either. He’s just being a good • The Guardian, BBC, Norwegian newspaper fact, Public Library General Manager Simon boss and taking the fall. Aftenposten, and the Belgian Het Laat- Pickford said he wasn’t aware of any com- • I found about 60 copies in a cardboard ste Nieuws all reported it without blurring plaints and that “I would be surprised (and recycling skip. Come on guys, if you’re going the image. The Spinoff was the only New disappointed) if it had been a staff member.” to censor us, at least recycle properly. Zealand media outlet to publish it without • We removed them from the Hospital after blurring. • The Womens+ Club made stickers and a polite request. It wasn’t even a complaint. spent hours stapling them inside the front • Interestingly, NewsHub was the only outlet They asked us to put them in the Medical cover. The fact that all that work went to to blur the little penis as well. School instead of the foyer. waste was a real shame. • It’s not ‘The Critic’. It's just ‘Critic’. • We were the number one most read story • Critic had nothing to do with the protest on The Guardian World News for most of • Lastly, my favourite comment from Andrew on Friday or the posters that were put up Wednesday, just above Trump/North Korea Geddis. “The day that university campuses around the uni. talks. That seems wrong. become safe places that cannot possibly • Some of the posters were in unauthorised offend seven or ten-year-old children is the • Andrew Geddis is a boss on Twitter. I officially spots. But even ones that were on the bol- day we should turn out their lights and lock forgive him for giving me a C in Law and the lards where they are allowed to be were torn their doors. Because then they will have no Democratic Process. Admittedly, I only took down. reason to exist anymore.” the class because it was called LAWS420. • A Campus Watch officer told someone that • Holy fuck there are a lot of people in media they were tearing down posters because Har- that used to work for Critic. lene Hayne didn’t like it. Sounds like some • It wasn’t Harlene; she was cool with the issue. serious miscommunication going on there.
5 LETTERS LETTERS TO THE EDITOR thanks to all the students of your University. Amitava Hazra from Kolkata India. From the Vice Chancellor,
I can assure you that Critic is regarded as an Dear Critic important part of the fabric of life at our Uni- As an ancient former editor of Critic, I wish to join versity. We respect Critic’s independence and other former editors protesting the removal of freedom as publishers and understand and sup- hardcopies of your “Menstruation” edition. port the important role they play in challenging ideas and currently accepted beliefs. Back in my day, there was intense debate about the role of the Proctor in the “mixed flatting” It is important to stress that the “University” made imbroglio. Perhaps it is time to revisit the role no decision to remove the editions of Critic this and purpose of a Proctor? week. What did occur was an incorrect assump- tion by staff independently in the Proctor’s office I also note that whilst the online edition of the LETTER OF THE WEEK late on Monday. Because Critic staff had removed Australian Guardian has an unexpurgated picture copies of the edition from the Dunedin Public of the cover, NZ media have used pixellation. Hello, Hospital on Monday, as it is a public place, staff Which rather proves your artist’s point! On behalf of the Board of Directors of the in the Proctor’s office believed that copies should Regards 40 year old international Society for Men- also be removed from campus. Unfortunately, John Robson strual Cycle Research, I write to express our they removed approximately 500 copies and extreme dismay at the University of Otago’s disposed of them. No directions were given to censorship of the student magazine Critic’s Campus Watch from senior staff on this matter. Kia ora, Menstruation Issue, and our support of and This was a mistake, based on a misunderstand- I understand that the Proctor of the University solidarity with the current and former editors ing. The actions that were taken are regrettable has issued an apology to Critic for what occurred of the magazine. and the Proctor has personally apologised to the in relation to the removal of copies of Critic and Editor of Critic who, I understand, has accepted Censoring material relevant to menstruation while that is a positive step, how this happened the apology. has a long and shameful history, of which the in the first place must be examined to ensure it University is now a part. University officials’ Although these events are regrettable, there does not happen again. justification of their removal and destruction is a silver lining here. First, this edition of the There seems to be an unclear pathway as to who of 500 copies of Critic under cover of night Critic has received a much wider readership than authorised the removal and what authority they is disturbing. it otherwise might have which I view as a really had to do so. great outcome. Personally, I felt the content was In so doing, the University ironically made the excellent. I grabbed a copy as I walked through • If the Proctor personally, then an examination students’ point for them. That depictions of campus on Monday morning, read it Monday of whether he had that authority; and education about menstruation are con- afternoon, shared it with my family on Monday sidered “objectionable” and unfit for public • If persons under his authority, then an exam- night and emailed the Editor of Critic on Tuesday consumption makes plain the very need for ination of who authorised the removal and what morning telling him I thought it was a particularly the special issue! We would point out the steps were taken to check the right to do so; and good edition. I am pleased to see that access to hypocrisy of such censorship in a world where the online edition has been substantially higher • An examination of why there was no conver- every media format is rife with images of vic- than normal. sation with Critic staff or other OUSA personnel timized girls, women and trans people that are before the action was taken. actually sexually explicit and bloody, from Law Second, this experience has highlighted how much and Order: SVU to the nightly news, while we all value not only our rights of freedom of In my view the University, universities in general, most people remain uneducated about the speech, but also the important role of universities must come out clearly in favour of freedom of menstrual cycle and other aspects of their as critic and conscience of society. In the midst expression unless harm is imminent. Where there body’s health and functioning. of our busy daily lives, it doesn’t hurt to remind is debate about the causing of offence, conver- ourselves about the values we hold most dear. sations need to be had, so that the moral views Critic’s menstruation issue was designed to of some in administrative areas of the institution address the taboo that silences, hides and Harlene Hayne are aware of how that is a different issue and not makes shameful what is actually a simple Vice-Chancellor within their prerogative to impose. I do hope fact: blood happens. To censor this effort there will be an attempt to work this through for is to reflect and sustain misogyny. We call Dear Editor, the future. shame on that. I have been astonished to find such a news. On this issue in particular I applaud the Critic staff Sincerely, I wasn't aware that in a country like NZ such for the production of such a courageous issue. Tomi-Ann Roberts, PhD mentality still exists. I fully agree with the views I’m now 57, now through the menopause, but Professor of Psychology, Colorado College of the past student editors and the democratic I, like many of my friends have experienced the President, Society for Menstrual Cycle Research representanion of the protest. Thank you and highs and lows of menstruation. I also support
6 LETTERS – Nick Allison – Nick NZ Media Council: People with a complaint with a complaint People Council: NZ Media complain in against a magazine should first satisfied not and then, if Editor to the writing the NZ Media to complain with the response, the to should be addressed Complaints Council. [email protected]. Secretary, Tweet/CriticTeArohi 03 479 5335 1436, Dunedin P.O.Box Student Aotearoa the of is a member Critic (ASPA) Association Press within this presented views the Disclaimer: the represent necessarily do not publication OUSA. PMDL, or the Editor, of views Issue 13, 2018 13, Issue Editorial MacManus Joel – Editor – Charlie O’Mannin Editor News – Chelle Fitzgerald Editor Features Thompson – Jess Editor Culture Hall – Esme Reporter Chief Moore – Nat Editor Sub – Charlie Hantler Editor Sports Design Adank – Jack Designer Lead Broughton – Erin Designer Contributors - Daven Kelly Taptiklis-Haymes, Zoe - Rush Saskia Russ, Waveney port, Mark Moratti, Caroline ton-Green, whoever Emanuel, David Winter, ago. years 54 Beatles The interviewed Production McKirdy Alex – Online Distribution of Artist by Centrefold Fame International Rushton-Green Saskia Sales Advertising Couch Tim [email protected] Lee YoungJae [email protected] Anglesey Jared [email protected] Online Read Critic.co.nz Issuu.com/critic_Te_Arohi Get Touch In [email protected] Facebook/CriticTeArohi -
7 est, though I do feel degraded by the attempt to censor it. regards Best Dear Critic Bloody stupid of them to pull all the Criticsoff source with the swoop, one only fell the shelves; of entertainment and happiness in my dark and HealthSci dreary life is gone up in flames. Literally. Please do me a favour and put a giant middle the so issue next your of cover front the on finger bastards can get a piece of my mind. Cheers :) Casper hoping hoping the voteNational don't Executive him in. Also can we talk about how he's been in hiding since losing the President role OUSA to Caity? Sincerely, Emoji] [Cry hold bodies womens that saying blatantly is This no place in public The spaces. reason this makes people uncomfortable is because of the lack of conversation, understanding and knowledge about periods. Censoring womens health issues when dis- shameful more people feel makes only cussing them, and teaches young girls that it's something to be embarrassed of. University of should Otago this be and censorship ashamed of demonstrationwomens offor disregard health. hello you what for thanks my this a short to note offer which issue latest the with achieve to trying were was binned for being - inexplicably - 'degrading' to women. The issue of 'period poverty' is really important and should be highlighted. It's just a shame people don't talk about it because some people find thetopic vaguely icky. I suspect this mag- your bin to wished people reason real the is such that to be want reminded don't azine - they taking be might menstruation as activities tawdry place near them. I would also add that, as a woman, I don't feel degraded by the magazines cover in the slight - Hey Critic, Hey Just wanted to say that I'm deeply saddened to hear that Finn Shewell is running for VP NZUSA prodigy. head bobble Harlene's actually is he when Why you may ask? Well on one particularocca shit (irrelevant) some spouting Harlene saw I sion, and about idea no has she topics about campus on surprised I'm much, so nodding there sat just Finn he didn't dislocate his vertebral column from his head. He is too far up any university bureaucrat representative student decent a be actually to ass at something as important as NZUSA, so here is Hi Hi Critic, scan- of aware exactly weren't us of most 2003, In dals that didn't include playdough. So what was the great orange juice supplier scandal? Sounds like some juicy goss. Cheers Hi there, Hi sincerely I me. angers issue this of censorship The volunteer to pose nude with period blood (real or fake) on my leg or crotch. Get back to me if you're interested. love, Ruby Hi Hi team at critic, As a graduate of Otago and former editor of OU I would to like review literary give opinion my on the current situation. It is true that you did run a risk with that cover but if it was was that the deemed - cover inappro priate the should covers have been and removed the magazine left. I think the registry should pay for a reprint with another cover. work. good up the Keep Flood Tilly 1989 BA all initiatives to ensure girls and women do not educational particular in opportunities, on out lose here both – poverty” “period to due opportunities and overseas. Ngā mihi Gray Robyn 1984 president OUSA EDITORIALLETTERS Prince Harry Sincerely, edition. nextyour in sight illustrates. I trust you will apologise for this over blood is purple not red as your cover erroneously their Meghan, wife my like menstruate, women when observation, first-hand recent From 2) right. the 1) The anus should be 1 millimetre more towards Mag. 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A bored, lonely third year who wants theblind Sincerely, table. pussy tingled when he tried to toe you under the yourif know to want I do. you degree what and had you drinks of types what care dont I Jesus, inform?and tain there always be a slight spin on the truth to enter shouldn’t journalism true is this If conclusions? own their to reader the leaving stories ferent dif totally two with twists the Where’splaces? public in deviation sexual to happened What editorials. date overblind recentpointment I’dexpressrespectmylikedisap- to due all With critic, Hi Anonymous Sincerely, offrontgran.your in cuntsay to not choosing ‘censorship’moreis no than is This spaces.university includes eye,which public the removedissue was public),the nakedfromin ing is a choice, I do hope you test that thesis by stand- days (and if you believe that looking at something their into thrust was function bodily a oficature who had no say in whether or not a grotesque car public, general the of complaints the of because narrowly,more this, of Because however,was. menstruation, of representation particular This body.the of imprudencies other than so more no least at Menstruation, I might add, is not inherently gross, discussion, but unfortunately, its cover was gross. provoked valuable and well-written, important, was issue issue menstruation ofcontentthe The covergross.The was regardless.dissentmy voiceto need the eral tone. 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An Angry Menstruator! Woman Unbound: Travels in the Hypercube He hisses, searching his neck for the key to his drawer. Sh-she cannot—! WOMEN ARE VIR- (I'm not angry cuz I'm menstruating, I'm angry The proctor smiles at his freshly-pressed pants, GINAL! WOMEN ARE MOTHERLY! WOMEN because of the university and their silencing BS) stiff crotch creased like the solid bodies of Roman ARE ENCLOSED. NEED TO BE CLOSED. CLOSED gladiators striding the midday sun. Ancient scents, CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED—He pops open his bodily torque—DESCARTES, KANT, LOCKE—I Dear critic, drawer and the latest issue of Women’s Weekly HAVE READ THE ANCIENT MANUSCRIPTS lands at his feet. He grasps it with shaking fists, I am horrified and disgusted by the recent cover OF MY FOREFATHERS. He descends into the eyes darting between it and the Critic. The photo you published. HYPERCUBE, latest technological development of complete woman the complete woman the com- the MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL-COMPLEX, BILLION The bottom left corner of the cover showed the plete—Mother . . . MOTHER! DOLLAR INVESTMENT, STATE TERRORISM. Hard oxidation state of iron in blood as fe3+. This is edges, long lines, the rectilinear destiny of man- Gargh! The proctor falls back into the HYPER- incorrect. Unless there is a serious pathology, ifest enclosure. I as the SOVEREIGN SUBJECT, CUBE, activating SELF-SURVEILLANCE mode menstrual blood is fe2+ not fe3+ as was falsely the ONE, the PANOPTIC GAZE that penetrates with his flailing limbs. His chair whirs into motion; portrayed all OTHERS. ME! ME! ME! a kaleidoscope of the Critic blossoms before his eyes. THE FLOWING ORIFICE; THE WOMAN But what is this? The proctor squints at his infin- I am disgusted that my children might see this UNBOUND. He screams, and the images scream ity screen. The twelfth issue of Critic (2018)? He cover and have their innocence defiled. The with him, spraying tears and snot across a fractal leans in, the creases upon his crotch multiplying. university was right in destroying copies of this infinite. In a sudden bout of insight, the proctor Is that . . . A WOMAN? No! Flashes of The Rev- misinformation campaign. realises he is not looking at the Critic. No—he has olution Betrayed assail the proctor’s mind. NO! been looking at himself all along. Sincerely, He shirks back in fear, not only at the BLEEDING VAGINA, but also, the thumbs up, the signifier of Grant From Babel approval. Unable to take his eyes off the MATE- RIAL SCENE, the BODILY FLOW, the ORGANIC Correction: INTERPENTRABLE SUBJECT OF POSTMODER- NITY, the proctor screams. Critic would like to apologise to Abby Smith, Marine Science for publishing a letter to the editor After an hour of panting, the proctor crawls last week which was not intended for publication. limp out of the HYPERCUBE. Th-that woman!
9 NEWS
The Cover Story
What the heck just happened? By Esme Hall
If you were wondering why there were no issues because the cover was “objectionable” They never contacted Critic about this. copies of Critic on campus last week and and children might see it. Despite reports, Critic was not removed from don’t follow any news outlets in the world, This was the first we heard that the Univer- the Public Library. All copies were picked up last Monday 2000 copies of Critic’s Men- sity had any problems with the issue. We by members of the public, according to Bernie struation Issue were siezed and destroyed by found out in the same way and at the same Hawke, the Dunedin City Council library ser- Campus Watch in a night-time raid because time as the rest of the media. vices manager. Hawke also said that there of its cover illustration depicting a menstru- were no complaints. ating person. The University said it “has no official view on the content of this week’s magazine. How- The chief censor's office told RNZ that the Here’s what happened: at 7pm Monday, we ever, [we are] aware that University staff cover was not legally objectionable. "The noticed that a number of campus stands members, and members of the public, have image is not sexualised, nor is it particularly were empty. We checked the stands again expressed an opinion that the cover of this degrading or dehumanising.” on Tuesday morning and realised that there’d issue was degrading to women.” been a theft, not just an unusually high 17 former Editors of Critic, including Edi- pick-up. This “really pissed us off,” said Joel. “I read tor-in-Chief of Stuff Patrick Crewdson and that as a backhanded attack on our maga- former Green Party MP Holly Walker, penned We were missing around 2000 copies. The zine and a personal insult to the integrity an open letter to the University expressing university claims that there were 500 copies of our staff and the Otago Women’s+ Club "deep concern" and calling for the university destroyed, but we question those numbers. who suggested we do a menstruation issue. to "apologise unreservedly". “How would they know how many issues They didn’t even have the integrity to put constitute a stand?” said Charlie O’Mannin, "Universities should be environments where their own name to it.” Critic News Editor. “That number was pulled students and lecturers alike are free to out of their arse.” "The statement weirdly tried to say that express their minds and debate ideas.” the removal of copies was an error but Around noon on Tuesday, Joel got an email "The decision by the university to confis- also hinted that they kinda supported that for Vice Chancellor Harlene Hayne saying “I cate without warning Critic's latest issue is removal." did want to let you know that this week’s directly contrary to these ideals." issue of the Critic is particularly good.” After the story blew up in national media, the The Proctor Dave Scott apologised to Joel University released another statement. They Hunting for the missing copies, Joel emailed on Wednesday. Joel says “he was genuinely said it was "a mistake and never intended as Property Services who said it “categorically” sincere." censorship.” They said the removal of maga- wasn’t them. They pointed us to Campus zines was “an incorrect assumption by staff Since the copies were destroyed by the Watch, who have CCTV footage. They said in the Proctor’s office.” So, basically they’re University, the story has become a media they would look into it. saying Campus Watch went rogue. sensation. We were contacted by CNN, We posted on our Facebook page that the BBC, Reuters, the New York Times, the Critic staff had removed copies from the copies had been taken, expressed how dis- Australian Associated Press, the Guardian, Dunedin Public Hospital upon request. The heartened we were, and asked anyone who Newshub, One News, The Project, Stuff, NZ request was not because of the cover but knew who was responsible to get in touch. Herald, TVNZ Breakfast, Radio New Zealand, because they wanted the foyer to be exclu- Radio Live, Newstalk ZB, Triple J, and, most Stuff, Newshub and the Otago Daily Times sively for SHB material. They suggested we importantly, The Otago Daily Motherfucking called us and wrote stories about the mys- move them to the Medical School. Times. tery of the missing issues. They all reached We don't know how Campus Watch found out to the University for comment. We hope you’ve had good conversations this out about this, but they apparently thought week and heard a range of perspectives on our At 6pm the University sent out a press it meant every copy on campus had to be cover and the topic of menstruation. We cer- release in response to the requests which destroyed. tainly have. Periods can be gross. But, they’re said that Campus Watch had thrown out the completely normal. Let’s be okay with that.
10 NEWS
Students Protest University Censorship
Protestors claim "intimidation" from Campus Watch By Esme Hall & Charlie O'Mannin
Otago University Students formed a pro- Matthew said “we’d like to know what train- up on noticeboards where they were allowed. test movement last week, while facing close ing Campus Watch goes through and what They said we could pick the posters up again scrutiny from Campus Watch, following the powers they think they have. It seems they’re from their offices if we wanted. University’s decision to seize and destroy taking on a duty to police the University’s The student outrage has coalesced into the issues of Critic last week. brand.” group Student Voice. Laura said “we’ve moved Immediately after the University admitted to Laura said “even after the statement came from just being angry about Critic to calling destroying copies of Critic’s Menstruation out that it was a miscommunication mistake, out a systemic problem. What happened to Issue on Tuesday night, students converged Campus Watch was still taking down our Critic is a blatant, obvious example of silenc- on campus and started planning action. posters of the cover.” Another Campus Watch ing, but this kind of silencing of student voice employee told Laura, “Harlene Hayne found is constantly happening.” Organiser Matthew Schep said that one of it disgusting.” the first things they did was print out posters Laura Anderson said “we have talked to so of the offending cover and put them around Harlene Hayne has publicly stated that she many people who haven’t said a political word the university. “Nothing was illegal but we did not find it disgusting. “Personally, I felt in their entire life, couldn’t give a shit about did place posters outside the Uni’s approved the content was excellent. I shared it with OUSA or student politics and have still been notice-boards.” Organiser Laura Cairns said my family on Monday night and emailed the like, ‘that’s so fucked up, I’m angry about it the group have also done flyer drops and are Editor of Critic on Tuesday morning telling and I will come to a protest if you make one’.” organising a protest march for Friday. Critic him I thought it was a particularly good edi- The OUSA Exec unanimously passed a motion would like to point out that this is after we tion. I am pleased to see that access to the to support the student protests. Te Roopu went to print so we couldn’t cover it; this was online edition has been substantially higher Maori also voted in support. not very considerate of them. than normal. “ During the meeting Welfare Officer Abigail Campus Watch were closely following the As far as Critic is aware, removing posters Clarke expressed concerns that “protesting protesters and taking down posters, includ- from campus is not part of Campus Watch’s and yelling and screaming makes the Uni- ing a black and white censored version. job description. This would usually fall to versity listen less,” and International Officer Protesters said Campus Watch were circling Property Services. Umi Asaka suggested that sit-down meetings them while they were planning in the Link. Although the posters weren’t put up by Critic could be more productive. Organiser Laura Anderson said “two Campus staff, one Lecture Theatre Technician let Critic Watch employees were pacing and looking Campaigns Officer Roger Yan said he couldn’t know that they had removed some posters to see if there were any posters up. It was wait to get banners out. “I think it could be fun.” from unauthorised locations, but left them intimidation.”
11 NEWS
Postgraduate Officer Kirio Birks Narrowly Escapes Vote of No Confidence
Two votes were the only thing that separated Kirio from the abyss By Charlie O’Mannin
Kirio Birks, OUSA Postgraduate Officer, has pointed out that because his time is taken which meant that the motion was two avoided being removed from his position by up a lot by committees he does not have the people changing their minds off passing. a margin of two votes after a motion for a time to reach out to every student. Critic hasn’t been this excited since, well, vote of no confidence in him was raised at a last Tuesday, when we discovered that the In a speech to defend himself, Kirio said that Student General Meeting last Friday. uni had stolen our magazines. the 10 hour a week position Postgrad Officer Matthew Schep, postgraduate student, intro- position is not sufficient for “good postgrad- Anyway, after some kerfuffle and maths, the duced the motion, claiming that Kirio had uate representation; you need more people.” moderator announced that Kirio is still the not been fulfilling his job responsibilities and Postgrad Officer. “OUSA does not do the political stuff it advocating for postgraduate students. Mat- should be doing, because it is an associa- Matthew Schep told Critic afterwards that thew described Kirio’s work as “lacklustre tion that has chosen, by design, to work with while his motion lost, he’s happy that stu- and tokenistic”. “What is the point of having the university closely and intimately so that dents “got the opportunity to hold Kirio to a representative on the executive if they do we can make particular changes on commit- account”. He said that hopefully the meeting not represent us?” said Schep. tees.” He said that, taking this into account, “serves as a warning call to anyone who is on Nine students spoke against Kirio, while four “In this role I’m going to sit on committees. the exec now or who will be in future years spoke in support of him. I have a $1500 budget; I cannot afford to be that these processes do exist and we have out there campaigning and I will not waste the right to use them if they are not per- Sinead Gill, a postgraduate student, said money to do so.” forming in their role the way they should be”. Kirio was “a good guy but he is a shit rep- resentative”. The 123 students present then voted using Kirio Birks told Critic that “I'm humbled by the archaic system of raising hands. Kirio was the love and support shown by those who Greg Hughson, University Chaplain, con- given the option to leave, but chose to stay spoke in my favour. This was an incredibly demned the meeting as a “public trial”. He in the room during the vote. 53 people voted close call. Today we saw student politics at said that Kirio has “contributed well” to the against him and 31 voted for. 39 people its most passionate in a long while. This is university committees they both sit on. chose not to vote. Tim Austen, who chaired a perfect time to get back to work and get Postgraduate student Isaac, who had worked the meeting, announced that the motion had stuck in.” with Kirio, said that “Just because you hear passed and Kirio was removed from office. This SGM was better than Critic’s wildest from a few voices that have talked to Kirio dreams. and not gotten the exact response they BUT THERE WAS A TWIST. wanted, doesn’t mean that he hasn’t done According to arcane OUSA lore, two-thirds a lot of work for postgrads”. of the students that voted must vote against Abigail Clark, OUSA Welfare Officer, and someone for a vote of no confidence to be Umi Asaka, OUSA International Officer said successful. The ratio came out at 64.6% they had seen him do “excellent work” and (Critic got someone else to do the math)
12 NEWS The Best Anonymous Comments From the OUSA Referendum
By Charlie O’Mannin
The OUSA Referendum happened and every- verbal report to Te Roopu Maori of OUSA Fourth drug question thing went pretty much as expected. All the activities and finances that reflects its com- - Why is OUSA so focused on drugs? boring questions passed because no one mitment to Te Tiriti o Waitangi. properly understood them. The environmen- OUSA buying some flats Getting a marae on campus tal, drug, and miscellaneous ones pretty much - This will probably backfire let's be real. passed with high majorities. The only close - We should definitely have some sort of Recycling on campus ones were whether OUSA should ban tickets acknowledgement towards Maori herritage in its election, 51/49 in favour, whether OUSA other than the weird broken archway on the - We like animals, pls keep them alive should increase Hyde Street’s capacity, 51/49 way to the link. Is it supposed to be like the Recordings of all lectures in favour, and whether OUSA should support entrance to a marae? Can't really tell. One of the sale of alcohol in the main common room, my mates today said it looked like a portal to - It's dunedin, so im cold and sick all the time which had 43/57 against. another universe so there you go. please - The microphones never work anyway, and Yawn. The most interesting thing about the Stupidly general question saying that OUSA the 'this is the university of otago' voice is too election was that OUSA released the anony- should run a campaign against bullying annoying. mous comments submitted with the questions - it should run a campaign on hardening the to us, after they couldn’t think of a reasonable - This one would be nice fuck up reason not to. Here are some of the best. - Would love for OUSA to run any campaign Continuing the free breakfast Boring question about auditors at all. - What free breakfast? I want free breakfast - I have no idea what this means. I’m sure it’s -I'll bully u if u do this >:( - THIS IS THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT fine tho MY DAY DO NOT CUT THIS! Introducing composting on campus - That Garfield poster was a disgrace - I have only used this once. The breakfast - Ye cause where tf do you put your apple cores - If it aint broke dont touch it boi wasn't that nice - meaning cheap - meaning - it shall smell you can afford to keep doing it for those that Boring question about lawyers need that. First drug question - i dont care -Re-creation Increase Hyde Street capacity - I have no idea who Anderson Lloyd is and cannot be bothered with the research. There - Don't really care, just had to tick something. Second drug question are some questions I want to answer but why - I mean if it's entirely self-funded sure, but - yes drug users need help not jail. everyone are you forcing me to answer everything when don't expand it to whatever street my flat is makes mistakes. #gotta stay fly I cannot give a valid answer. This is a crappy on next year. referenda. - yes o h y god Lobby for RAs to be paid fairly - guess they are doing a good job, if they get - Hugs not drugs expensive shop around #let’s go the thrift shop - OUSA should keep all students up to date as Third drug question this progresses and NAME AND SHAME any Boring question about minor Constitutional - No! Why? This is not a priority for students. person or college that refuses to do so. If the details We don't need drugs. Does anybody actually colleges refuse to do so, then OUSA should need marijuana? No. withdraw (any) support for them and actively - OUSA are the funny sidekick for when the - Please warn students not to become RAs. stress of lectures gets too much. - The majority are gonna vote yes amirite? - please, oh my god, we are so undersupported. - I don't believe that Te Roopu Maori should have to give a quarterly report. If the part- Banning tickets Repeal VSM nership is Treaty based then equality is what - Tickets are for wankers. - David Seymour you need to get out and see is strived for not one partner having to con- more, stop what you’re dancing ..... I mean - The elections are very dumb. Anyone who stantly report to the other. If the amendment doing.. man i'm dry. Leave us alone goes through then you can expect a motion would voluntarily put themselves forward sponsored by me to say that: The Executive shouldn't be elected. of OUSA shall given a quarterly written and
13 NEWS cists make a normally“more scaryexperiencemakea cists - pharma and physios dentists, Toydoctors, sion kids feel around the medical environment.” apprehen- “anxietyand the reducing about is Hospital Committee, said Teddy Bear Hospital reach Officer and Co-Leader of the Teddy Bear Out Community OUMSA Adams, Savannah consultations. did and stethoscopes fessional students donnedtheir labcoats and Pro- Health toys. soft their for check-ups get to week last Centre Hunter the and Church Elim at arrived kindergarteners of Busloads row.a in yeareighth the forHospital tion (OUMSA) has run its adorable Teddy Bear - Associa Students’ Medical University Otago A smalloasisof wholesome news yay TeddyCute So Is HospitalBear - to involve them. We have a loyal following loyal a have We them. involve to great it’s so University, the with engagement huge have don’t “pre-schools said Adams is”. experience the heartfelt how saying away “come involved students University teddies.”The their of treatment the through experience’ doctor “‘simulated a get and well-behaved” and “wonderful are rewarding”so for everyone involved. Thekids “Teddy says Committee, is pital Hospital Bear Megan Lord, Co-Leader of the Teddy Bear Hos x-ray.bear dren get to take home a certificate and a teddy chil- the and up bandaged get toys soft The teddy”.a through going by kids][for friendly 14
- members.” dents and of course our wonderful committee the extra help we get from other staff and stu- unteer their time, the sponsors that we attain, volthat- students the visit, that kindies the – happen event this making in part massive a Lord said it’s great to see how everyone “plays continue. will hopes committee the event the to addition new a was which Day, Community at consultations yearThis Teddy offeredHospital Bear Reo Te up.”fill just they and out bookings our send Wepreschools. the from By Esme Hall ISSUE 11 CRITIC RELEASESCRITIC LIST OF REPARATION AFTERDEMANDS UNI DESTROYS COPIES OF MAGAZINE. 1. The 1. The complete abolishment of menstruation 2. Let of the Leith run Waters with red blood 3. Enough free tampons to build a couch 4. Enough lighter fluidto burn saidcouch capitalism of 5. Disestablishment to stand 6. on Campus One Watch of member Union Lawn he until louder and louder “period” word the say slowly and must be a he.) (It embarassed. very gets again $28 a tray Gold Southern 7. Make Otago” of Universtiy…. the is “This annoying the of rid Get 8. recordings lecture the start of from recordings lecture access everyone 9. Let College Salmond the end of the D from rid of 10. Get mess it up and I always word weird because it is a Aquinas 11. further Move away 12. Rename it the of Otaaaaaaaaaaaagooooooo University back Buck 13. Bring Also 14. ban our next was This issue. honestly us. great for 15. Let Critic sell alcohol ads.Holy shitwe would make money. more way mural Lamar 16. Kendrick One Radio to listen someone actually 17. Make 18. The Guardian UK becomes Critic’s legal guardian. it for it and take feed one. She’ll good A a dog. gets Erin 19. promises. She day. every walks chair a new gets Jack 20. than Internet other something get computers 21. Library installed.Explorer med into gets Hunter 22. Lucy 23. Josh Smythe is appointed of forever OUSA Emperor 24. Campus Watch release the footage of Campus Watch stealing Critic magazines 25. Another Shrek movie 10, and 6 1, points consider would they said University The 5, making points to themselves commited and had already 14 and 20 happen. -
15 YOUR MUM STILL OCCASIONALLY TEARING MUM STILLYOUR OCCASIONALLY UP TWO WEDDING WEEKS AFTER ROYAL getting boys Diana’s of one another see to happy so just “I’m the happily ever after they deserve, those kids have been through a lot you know”. nice very that Mum, gettingthey’re it’s ending a happy Yes but they live off the backof theworking class and will be among the firstto go when therevolution comes. All I’m while it lasts, all happiness their should enjoy is they saying chains. their lose are to have the proletariat MODERATELY RACIST DAD GROANS AT RACIST GROANS DAD MODERATELY HAKA GRADUATION awkwardly weekend seen last was dad name here) (Insert haka as each celebratory hall ceiling the town staring at bloody was “it saying overheard a later was He up. started every fellow’ good a jolly he’s sing ‘for don’t we ridiculous, time awhite kidgets aWhen degree”. asked about the responded he European being ceremony entire the of nature indig- of conquering the that explanation long-winded a with “since Zealand enous peoples has been happening in New the Māoris ate the Mori-oris”. Barry: Works at the ODT, there are hundreds of him. They’re all between 55-64 and have glasses and white goatees. When Barry dumps you your By Nat Moore mum says “don’t worry honey there are plenty of Barrys at the ODT”. The Week ODT Watch Was Leaked the ODT’s Biannual External Review Buck: Is a hunk. Bring him back. Jeremy: Gets his period every month Sources within the ODT have confirmed that Editor Barry and still can’t change his tampon at uni Fitzbarry has spent the last week laughing at the moon and hosting debaucherous orgies in the ODT boardroom, assuming because there are no sanitary bins in the that because Critic has been dealing with international media men's bathrooms. Sort it out Otago you attention (your time will come, ODT), we’d be too busy to catch bloody cunts. their crimes against journalism. The joke’s on you, Fitzbarry. Justice doesn’t sleep. Charleene Chainz: Rapper. Down with the kids. Def not Harlene Hayne in a backwards hat.
Chopper: Comedian. Got interviewed
POPULAR BOIZ. POPULAR by Critic months ago. Has been cut every week. Was cut this week in ODT Watch also still searching…for love. Txt me: 0278221594 favour of a 54 year old interview with a dead guitar player and his mates.
Is there a small, localised volcano around the vicinity of 52 Stuart Street? And if so, what rituals do we have to perform to make it erupt?
Our mole in the ODT, Deputy Puns Editor Barry O’Barrigan, leaked us the ODT’S biannual external review, excerpts of which appear below.
Sweat poured down the face of the ODT’s Chief Financial Offi- cer, Barry Barryson, as he shifted beads around his abacus as fast as his arthritic fingers allowed. “It’s a lot of shillings, Barry,” he said to the Editor, “but if you really think these ‘computers’ are worth it, we can start divesting. I’ll send a telegram to Baz in sales to take our cart and horse to market.”
We reproduce the conclusion to the ODT’s external review below, without comment. Truth is stranger than fiction
Walt Disney made a movie about menstruation titled “The Story of Men- struation” in 1946. It most likely is the first film to use the word “vagina.”
The only mammals to undergo meno- In 2018 a bill was passed to pause are elephants, humpback change MENstruation, to PEO- whales, and humans. PLEstruation. The Romans attributed the deformity The airport was originally called the plane station of the god Vulcan to the menstrual until Hugh Grant fucked up his voice over in 2003’s intercourse between his parents Juno Love Actually and no one was willing to admit the and Jupiter. then-heart throb was incorrect. The term “ritual” is derived from the Campus Watch was originally called Crampus Watch Sanskrit word R’tu, which means “men- until they realised it was a period joke and threw all strual”. This etymology suggests that of their contracts in the skip. ritual in a general sense and menstrual acts have a common origin. The proctor did it. Periods tend to be heavier, more pain- Nexus Magazine is supportive that Critic is now ful, and longer in the colder months. famous and they are not jealous. At. ALL. Because zero-gravity affects blood flow, Salient is currently in a desperate meeting trying to NASA initially worried that a menstruat- find a way to out-feminist us. ing woman would die in space. There is apparently a student magazine in Canter- When Sally Ride, the first female astro- bury. naut went to space, NASA packed 100 Do the crime, say the rhymes. Step on a crac(cum), tampons for a 7-day trip. break your mother’s back. Throw Critic in the skip, Menstruation huts were common it’s a funny quip. features in pre-modern cultures. They Campus Watch is afraid of menstruation because were a place where women were sep- the smell of blood could attract bears. arated from the community during their Bears are very strong and rather scary. menses for various reasons ranging from fear to respect. Campus Watch are not. In the eighteenth century in Saigon, Currently there is a mass group of bears swimming no woman was employed in the opium towards NZ because they smelt out period week industry because it was believed that (and they are bringing MOON CUPS yeahboi). if a menstruating woman were near, opium would become ruined and bitter. FEATURES Dumpster Diving: A Beginner’s Guide
18 FEATURES
Poverty for students is often so funda- darkest clothes, but unfortunately mentally ingrained that it can be hard that included my high school leavers to recognise — we make jokes about hoodie lovingly branded with my the lads who live off two-minute noo- surname on the back. Feeling like Dumpster dles and inhabit flats with holes in the I might as well just tape my credit walls. It’s scarfie culture down to the card information to my chest, it was bone; golden and beloved. It’s easy to clear we needed a change of plan. Not forget that Mi Goreng, no matter how to mention that the balaclavas that delicious, is often not a choice. It’s a Alice had somehow produced made lifestyle of bare necessities, lived by it look like we were going to rob a the people that struggle to get by from bank rather than a dumpster. Which one StudyLink payment to the other. is how, half an hour later, we stum- Diving: bled into the dark streets of Dunedin A trend of dumpster diving has wearing our sluttiest miniskirts and reared its slimy head in recent years. bralettes. Looking like the open- The food is free, and you’re practically ing sequence of Pretty Women, we saving the environment from another blended right in with the hordes of landfill disaster. Food wastage is drunk freshers spilling into town. It Caroline Moratti Caroline hugely problematic, especially when was the perfect basic bitch disguise. A Beginner’s there are people going hungry in To our frustration, the walk to town Dunedin. More and more students was full of locked dumpsters. These have been getting behind the practice included the likes of Otago Museum, as a way to cut down on grocery costs, Rob Roy, Market Kitchen, Taj Mahal, with some reportedly living off their and almost every small joint we findings for weeks. Truth be told, the checked out. Like your first blowjob, idea of dumpster diving scared me you’d walk down a dark alleyway Guide shitless. If you’re the kind of gal who only to walk out a minute later, a bit never even got a detention in high damp and disappointed. If destruc- school, the potential consequences tion of property really gets you of getting caught is not a particu- going, you could probably attempt larly pleasant thought to entertain. to break the locks, but there’s really Though the chances are slim, they no point — I wouldn’t even go to the exist, especially for places with Otago Museum cafe in the daytime, security cameras. In 2009 there were let alone face prosecution for some three arrests in Dunedin for dumpster shitty granola slices. diving. Yet, despite this, Critic needed to know the truth. What is dumpster Things started to perk up around diving like, and is it a viable option Centre City New World. The dump- for students to get a cheap feed? ster was unlocked, but protected by a large fence and scary looking signs I assembled a ragtag team of misfits about surveillance. After a quick shot to bumble along in some adventures. of liquid courage, we jumped the You know, the kind of people that are fence and scouted out our surround- always unequivocally free on a Satur- ings. It was pretty slim pickings, day night. Which turns out, was only offerings of things like cardboard and my drunk flatmate, Alice. packaging more so than anything Like any Saturday night plans, decent. We found a couple of old deciding what to wear was the biggest apples and, weirdly enough, a bag of mission. I was inclined to wear my English muffins.
19 FEATURES
We found a couple" of old apples and, weirdly enough, a bag of English muf- fins. Not much to write home about, unless you are English, or a muffin. "
20 21 FEATURES
Not much to write home about, out there, I’m sorry about the death unless you are English, or a muffin. of your childhood dog, truly I am. Thanks for showing me several blurry Countdown at first glance appeared pictures of your golden Labrador, closed off by fences, only for us to Bailey, before propositioning to finger slowly realise, like a pair of fucking me in the bathrooms of McDonald’s. idiots, that it’s accessible by street if Maybe we’ll meet again in another you just walk around the other way. life. When the crowds had thinned Here, the trouble is that the dump- down a bit, we took the opportunity sters are located by the loading bay, so to explore the dumpster. Surpris- late-night employees were loitering ingly plentiful, we yielded a bounty about. This is where our disguises of controversial deli items, such as really paid off. Inching our way chocolate cheesecake, butter chicken further down the alleyway by looking fusion rice, and ham sandwiches. The like drunk thots —“Omg, why hasn’t haul was like your grandma’s funeral Chad texted me back yet?” “Urgh, spread, a little bit sad, a bit thick the line for 10Bar is so long” — we on the relish, but also wonderfully managed to stumble behind the bins exotic. without calling attention to our true intentions. We waited for our time to Last, but not least, Couplands. After strike, only, to our disappointment, suffering locked dumpster followed realising that the dumpsters were by locked dumpster, this was the pretty piss poor. There were some motherload. An empty carpark, no bakery discards stewing in vegeta- cameras in sight, and a glory hole of ble juice and cigarette ashes. It was pies, pastries and produce. Granted, a split-second decision of whether these weren’t the pies you probably to grab it or leave it; ultimately, we would go for; much like the fleet- decided that we’d probably just rather ing men in my life, there’s a reason go home and suffer through another they got dumped. Rather than buy a flat meal of under-salted spaghetti cheeky mince and cheese pie for the bolognese than risk getting sick. We already lucrative price of $1, why not closed the lid on the bread with a scavenge for a mince and vegeta- shared heavy heart. ble pie that you could keep in your freezer for the next two months? The dumpsters outside Night ‘n There were trash bags stuffed with Day are one of the most technically the most average food you could challenging, but by far one of the imagine. Think afghan biscuits, most rewarding. The dumpsters are lamingtons and bread scrolls. It was practically located on the street, like the sad birthday party of that girl unlocked and oh-so-seductive. But with no friends in primary school, it’s a Saturday night, everyone and which your mum dragged you along their neighbours are pissing around to out of social obligation. So eager outside the store, eating lukewarm were we to revel in the beautiful chips and smoking darts. Waiting for garbage, Alice accidentally flashed the coast to clear was like waiting for her underwear to several wandering your lecturer to finally upload your passers-by. grades on eVision—it’s just never fucking going to happen. To kill time, To be fair, when you’re already we made conversation with a couple breaking one law, suddenly public of Polytech students. Ryan —if you’re indecency doesn’t seem like a big
21 21 FEATURES thing to add to the list. Plus, mini- skirts aren’t the most practical " clothing choice, though we did get The haul was like your grand- some cute snaps for the ‘gram.
What did we learn? Stay away from ma’s funeral spread, a little bit the big supermarkets, it’s really not worth it. They’re the places with the sad, a bit thick on the relish, biggest security and minimal pay-off. Supermarkets also have remark- but also wonderfully exotic. ably small food wastage now, due to charitable programmes such as the Countdown Food Rescue programme, which in 2016 donated more than " $3.5 million of food. Rather, consider checking out your neighbourhood dairy or convenience store. Granted, a lot of these are locked, but you’ll find the occasional one that will surprise you. Couplands and Night ’n’ Day were definitely the winners here, with enough carbs for Alice and I to binge eat our feelings for the next couple of weeks. You can catch me crying in a lecture with a stale iced bun (that’s a joke, you wouldn’t catch me in a lecture.) However, maybe instead of encouraging students to go out and raid their neighbourhood bins, there should be more public pressure put on corporations to donate to food banks, so people in need can access this support. Foodshare has done an amazing job in Dunedin, collect- ing excess food from businesses and donating it to charities. If you are thinking about going dumpster diving, approach it as if you’re having sex for the first time. You need to do your research, stay safe, maybe bring some friends to stand and watch. Gloves aren’t a bad idea, but don’t be afraid to just throw yourself into it. Really wallow in that filth, you self-loathing bastard.
22
Illustrated by Saskia Rushton-Green
FEATURES WE CRASHED
A Critic Interview, Originally Published July 9 1964
Well, we did it. We sent two of our intrepid, expend- able reporters to the City Hotel – not to join the rest in the boozer – and told them to “see the Beatles.”
What actually rocked us on our heels was that they did. Our newspaperman and news hen walked in between the barricaded fans, crept surreptitiously upstairs and wilted in front of the biggest line-up of plainclothes detectives they’d seen since the pow- ers-that-be caught up on Bias.
But no, nothing ventured nothing won, they eluded the pursuers and found sanctuary in Lou’s and Simon’s room. But when all four ventured out they were caught by the chief of security for the tour.
But our girl Friday stood her ground and assured Photography provided by: ODT the gentleman she didn’t have a revolver in her handbag. Eventually he relented and our friends went in.
The interview room was so full of visiting reporters and radio people that our bemused staffers thought they’d have more chance if they joined the crowds chanting, “we love you Beatles” all the way down Princes Street.
But they did get an interview and Critic editor while in a delirium said he’d print it on page four. And that’s where it still is. And our reporters are accept- ing offers for Beatle autographs and a cigarette given them by Paul McCartney.
26 FEATURES
There we were – upstairs in the City Hotel, in a room crowded with newsmen of all varieties – everyone, except us, invited and let through a massive security cordon.
Then the Beatles came in. Once the bedlam Paul: We’re a bit disappointed with the weather. started we were kept busy trying to keep our I always thought the further south you got away ears open to three concurrent conversations. We from England the warmer is would get – but now succeeded. And here, in no fixed order whatso- I realise that we’ve been travelling down so it ever, we print, daring the wrath of Capping Book, must get colder. Noonan, Critic Editor, our readers and the world, our interview with The Beatles. At this stage the Beatles offer everyone cigarettes. George lights ours with a gold cigarette lighter. Enter the Beatles. We notice Paul’s hair particularly – he tells us he Ringo: Nice little place you’ve got here washes it every night because it becomes curly with sweat – “and I don’t like that”. ODT Reporter: Could you tell us which one of you is which? By now all our cigarettes are lit – except the ones George: If you don’t know by now you shouldn’t we’re keeping to sell. be here. George: I like this brand ‘cause they’re the ones Ringo: I’m George with the L.O.N.G. filters
Paul: I’m Ringo Critic: Does it worry you that all people smoking over 20 a day may get cancer? George: I’m Paul Paul: You don’t believe that do you – don’t you With a casual ‘hi’ they sit down and apologise believe it. for John Lennon’s absence. Critic: Do you like wildness? “Sorry, Johns got a sore throat – he’s upstairs all trembling on the floor,” says George. Paul: Organised wildness is fine, like on stage 0 we’re up here and the audience is down there. Critic: We hope you had some food before you That’s fine. As long as the barricades hold. came down? Critic: What is the main thing you want on hol- George: oh yes, we had plenty to eat – a whole iday? biscuit. The boys were all offered a drink but, except for Ringo, stuck to coke. Paul: Only one thing – sun. I just love heat.
27 FEATURES Photography provided by: ODT by: provided Photography
Critic: About your haircuts – are all the stories about swimming in the Hamburg baths and emerging without a comb true?
Paul: Partly. All the German boys had their hair fairly long and we just grew ours and it just came naturally. We didn’t plan it as a gimmick just like that.
Critic: Do you ever buy clothes off the hanger?
Paul: No, they’re mainly tailor made. Do you want to see the label?
At this point Paul opened his jacket and showed it to us.
Critic: Do the officials ever have trouble getting in to your hotel?
Paul: Yeah, the conversation usually goes like this – Official: Excuse me, could I get through, I’m with the Beatles? – Police: Oh sure, we believe you.
Critic: Do you ever take pills on tour?
George: Oh no – we aren’t drug addicts or anything like that. We may use the hypo or mar- ijuana – but pills – never.
Critic: What place do you like most in the world?
George: Oh, all the Britain and of course Liv- erpool although we’re never there much now. Although I loved Miami as it was so hot.
Critic: What do you think of your new record “cry for a shadow”?
George: its awful. We only recorded it as a joke.
28 FEATURES
We know this ‘ere German group that played like the Shadows and this record was just done for a laugh.
Critic: Ringo, how was hospital?
Ringo: Great, eight wonderful days. Every time I pushed the bell I got a different nurse.
Critic: Is Brian Epstein worth his 25 per cent?
Ringo: Every penny of it. If it hadn’t been for him we would still be playing in local clubs. He’s worth every penny.
Critic: Do you have many press agents?
Ringo: No. Everyone seems to think we have thousands but really we’ve only one and a tour manager. In fact, very few people travel with us.
Critic: Why did you come to New Zealand?
Ringo: We had nothing to do with it – we just go where we are booked. We don’t do anything at all except sing.
Critic: What do you think of Beatle wigs?
George: Atrocious. Have you seen those plastic things? We get 2d a wig or something daft like that
Critic: Do you think the fame will last?
George: We would like to think it could. We hope to keep writing songs when we’re finished with Critic: Is your hair too long? the initial fame and mania. At the moment we Paul: No, I don’t think so. have 60 songs on record. Critic: What things do you like? But among the trade secrets we found out was Paul: Sea, sand and swimming. I thought I was that none of them can read music. The Beatles going to swim while I was here but I didn’t realise just think up the tunes and play them on their you were so low – like on the underside of the guitars. Then the tunes are taped and later trans- world. It’s too chilly in Dunedin. ferred to sheet music. Everything’s done by ear. Critic: Do you approve of people selling the Critic: What’s your attitude to street crowds? sheets you slept in?
Paul: The crowd outside the hotel could have Paul: As it was for a good cause I think it was been more controlled, though they’re quitter okay. than Australians. Still, the gap between the two lines of screaming girls was the smallest I’ve ever And that’s our lot. We weren’t meant to be there had to dash down to a hotel foyer. but we got in. Their tour manager congratulated us for our initiative and the boys seemed to get Critic: What do you think of students? a kick out of somebody cracking the security Paul: Students? They’re just people like the rest of cordon so it was no skin off anyone’s nose in the us, and it’s good to see you CRITIC people along. long run. We’d be willing to do it again.
29 FEATURES SHROOMS OR TOMBS Magic Mushrooms: An Identification Guide
By Chelle fitzgerald
So, the weather’s getting cold, you’ve already failed two of Magic Mushrooms are a Class A drug in New Zealand, your semester one papers and life’s looking pretty dusty. with possession carrying a maximum penalty of 6 months What’s a student to do? imprisonment and/or a $1,000 fine. However, if people are going to do them, they should do them safely. Well, if you’ve attended any parties lately, you’d know that at this time of year the breathers like to turn some party banter NZ actually has some of the strongest shrooms in the world to the wealth of magic mushrooms growing here in Dunedin. - and some of these species are more prevalent in Dunedin Everyone knows someone who knows someone who hunts than a Kathmandu puffer jacket. Most ‘magic mushrooms’ for the little fun guys at the first signs of frost, yet nobody re- generally refer to species in the genus Psilocybe, and if ally has an “in”, especially if you’re not from around here. The you’re in Dunedin, there are three main types of Psilocybes dangers of hunting mushrooms without the correct informa- that you may come across in your travels - Psilocybe semi- tion can result in some dire situations, ranging from a gnarly lanceata, Psilocybe subaeruginosa, and Psilocybe weraroa tummy ache to a very serious trip to the hospital, or morgue. (also known as Weraroa novae).
30 FEATURES
So that you don’t die, Critic has compiled an identification guide for the three types of shrooms most commonly found in Dunedin, as well as some of the ones that you should ABSOLUTELY avoid.
Psilocybe semilanceata, also known as “Liberty Caps” In the 1980s, a British botanist saw some of these out on the Otago peninsula, and ever since telling all his tripper mates of the find, the mighty Liberty Caps have been some of the most hunted-for and long-standing faves of the Dunedin Psilocybe semilanceata community. They pop up frequently around Dunedin and Otago, and they can often be found in the higher-altitude grassland areas. The easiest way to identify Caps is to look for a cream coloured cap with a 5-20mm diameter, which often has a distinct nipple on the top. The gills start out as olive grey and then turn to purple-black as the spores mature. The stem is 2-3mm thick, around 4-10cm tall and is cream coloured and fibrous, often wavy, and sometimes coloured blue near the base. Dosage: 1-1.8g dried or 10-18g fresh.
Psilocybe subaeruginosa, also known as “Subs”, or “Gold Tops” Subs like to grow in woody areas, like pine bark or wood- chipped places. If you’ve ever seen some guy in a ratty hoody take a lot of interest in one of those woodchipped roundabouts in winter, he’s probably on the hunt for these guys. They are generally the easiest species to find in Dunedin, because they grow in a lot of urban areas and in generous amounts. Look for a gold/caramel/light brown cap of around 1.5-5cm diameter, a 2mm-4mm thick, 30-125mm long white stalk (MUST be white), and gills that are crowded, ranging in Psilocybe subaeruginosa colour from cream to violet brown. Look for blueish bruising anywhere on the cap or stalk that has been damaged, like after being picked. If there’s no blue, there’s no magic. Keep an eye out for them from April to August in light brown woodchipped areas, in sandy soil and in gardens, and anywhere you might find ground up Pinus radiata bark or woody debris. Dosage: 0.8-1.5g dried or 8-13g fresh.
31 FEATURES Psilocybe weraroa/Weraroa novae These little fellas are not as common as the subs and caps, but are still found here nonetheless. They prefer rotten fallen wood and are often hiding under dry leaves, making them a little harder to see. Slugs really like to nibble on these (so chances are if you find them, someone’s already had a wee munch around the edges)! Psilocybe weraroa/Weraroa novae Again, P. weraroa will stain blueish where damaged, so en- sure you have the right specimen by looking for that blueish hue. The caps are light brown to tan when young, and grayish blue when old, measuring 10-30mm in diameter. The stem is up to 40mm long, and is white to grayish blue, with a yellowish-brown base. The gills are chambered and chocolate brown. Dosage: 10-15g fresh (drying seems to kill the activity, so not recommended to eat dry). How To Tell? If you want to check whether you have a Psilocybin mushroom, first make a spore print: •Cut the stem off the mushroom, as close to the cap as possible. •Put the cap (top up) on a piece of white paper. •Put a glass over the top to keep air away. •Leave the cap overnight to let spores drop •The next day, check out the colour of the spore print on the paper. If your mushroom has purple-brown to black spores, AND the flesh turns bluish when damaged or bruised, then it’s quite likely that your mushroom is a Psilocybe species.
If you’re quite sure that what you have is the goods, then you’re now ready to see the conception of the universe! But only if you’re sure. People can get far too excited when it comes to magic mushrooms and don’t take safe enough precautions. IF IN DOUBT TOSS IT OUT!
Speaking of which …
Amanita Muscaria Although it looks like something Alice would eat in Wonderland, THESE ARE NOT TRADITIONALLY MAGIC!! They do have an intoxicating effect, but are are not recom- Amanita Muscaria mended; they are poisonous if not prepared correctly and are generally a shit time.
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VERY BAD DEATH BAD TIME ILLNESS BAD NONO LIST:
Galerina marginata “Funeral Bell” Galerina patagonica (grows around Woodhaugh) - DEADLY Galerina patagonica - DEADLY Conocybe filaris/Pholiotina filaris - DEADLY Leratiomyces ceres/Stropharia aurantiaca - POISONOUS Stropharia aeruginosa - POISONOUS Rossbeevera pachydermis/Chamonixia pachydermis - POISONOUS Clavogaster novozelandicus Prev. Known as: Weraroa virescens - POISONOUS
NB: While Erin is GREAT (and also very cool and smart) she is not a scientist so please do not refer to these illustrations for identification.
Galerina marginata
33 CULTURE KAWITA VATANAJYANKUR: PERFORMANCE ART HAS NO BOUNDARIES Interview by Waveny Russ
Kawita Vatanajyankur is a striking and Kawita: The next series is about me looking transportive artist who has taken the world at myself as a sort of a machine or tool by storm – she’s about to exhibit at the pres- in the work system. Thailand is a world tigious Bangkok Biennale with over 75 other of industry; when I worked there I was artists from around the world, but before that transformed into a tool/machine, working she’s exhibiting at the Public Art Gallery right repetitively. Nowadays, machines are sort here in Dunedin. Her work is bold, heavy with of replacing us. So my art questions the meaning, and visually appealing. Waveney human conditions of labour, and how we Russ had the chance to interview this amazing value people. creative. Wave: A video of yours that really struck Wave: So Kawita, you were the interna- a chord with me shows you being dunked tional visiting artist for the Dunedin City into a bowl of water. How do you physically Art Gallery, could you give us a run down prepare yourself for performances like of what that entailed and where you come that? from? Kawita: It can take around a month to pre- Kawita: I’m from Bangkok, but I grew up pare and practice a performance, and the in Melbourne and found work there as an first attempt can be a complete disaster. artist, which caught some attention. This It just takes practice. When I enter the was my first New Zealand show. I had a performance I enter as myself, as a human, six-week residency while I was down here but I have to convince myself that I am no in the South Island. longer there, that I am actually the object/ Kawita: Well all the series I’ve done machine. It’s about losing your sense of recently are about work. I’ve done a series Wave: To what extent does your Thai birth- yourself. When you lose that, you also lose about the food industry, and one about place influence your work? your sense of emotional pain, fear, and the fishing industry – because the world anxiety. You’ve removed and decreased is materialistic, you just assume what you Kawita: I grew up as a teenager in Mel- all of your feelings. You have entered new receive is from a machine, not the sea, not bourne, so when I went back to Thailand, I limitations. nature. felt like I had to grow up as a woman again because the culture, background and social Wave: What do you consider to be your The fishing industry in Thailand is at a cru- expectations were different. I was a bit of physical and emotional boundaries when cial point now where the labourers behind an alien in Thailand; I didn't feel like I would creating a piece of performance art? it are in a form of slavery, treated unkindly fit in at all unless I re-learned how to be a and violently. People are ignoring the Thai woman. Kawita: I don’t think that performance art human trafficking that drives the industry. has boundaries. Every time I make art, I When I was in Thailand before coming to Wave: Sort of like a re-birth as a woman? want to challenge myself. I believe that our NZ, I was researching and talking to the physical body and psychological self have labourers and was overwhelmed by how Kawita: Yes! I am constantly questioning so- an amazing ability to adjust if you practice materialistic this world is. No one wants cial expectations and norms around growing continuously. When I think of an idea that to be a farmer anymore, they just want to up as a woman. The first performance art I seems impossible, I will think of ways to climb the hierarchy. When I came to NZ, it made was about questioning social percep- deal with it. It’s about practice. was a completely different world; I talked tions of women in Thailand. to locals in the South Island and I saw how Wave: Do you have any sort of political workers and farmers are so proud of their Wave: Can you tell me a bit about your next agenda when you're creating these pieces? products. It crushed me, that you can live series of performance art? simply but fully.
34 CULTURE
Wave: How do these ideas of obscene Kawita: Well I’ve exhibited in many differ- Kawita: Yes! Well, the content is quite consumerism affect the colour scheme in ent countries and the reactions are always violent and sad when you actually think your work? different. I’ve exhibited frequently in Japan about it, but I want to use humour so that and audiences there often say that they I can make people laugh before they are Kawita: I think that nowadays we live in a truly see themselves as machines and want offended or shocked. That’s the trick that I world where social media advertisements, to be perfect all the time. The illusion that want to play. posters, and packages look beautiful, but physical beauty guarantees respect causes the workers behind the products are being stress and depression. From Thai audiences Wave: So how do you think New Zealand treated unkindly. I think there’s a massive I get a lot of reactions on the female body audiences will respond? contrast between advertisement and and everything reminds them of advertise- product colours. ments. Kawita: I’ll have to see – I think NZ is so different from the rest of the world. Wave: Your videos place a central focus Wave: Do you see and work with the com- on the human body. How has this been edy of the situations you depict? [Interview originally aired on the DPAG received by different audiences? Late Breakfast, Radio One 91fm]
35 HOROSCOPES
Jan 20 − Feb 18 Feb 19 − Mar 20 Aquarius Cosmic energies want to be there for you for your Pisces Hellooo, this is our last week of contact. It’s a bit sad, exam, they also don’t want to be held liable for fuck- you’ll do well without me/us. In prep for exams and holi- ing it up. Don’t be sad if you feel less spiritually guided days the stars want you to focus on the day at hand, and this week. Where the stars step out, your lecturers take ten minutes doing something you love, like down- and teachers step in (gross I know, but at least they ward facing dog or Far Cry 5, or your girlfriend. almost get paid for it). Exam Tip: Work for 20 minutes, Exam Tip: Do at least one practice exam per paper. break for five mins. Dream Hol Location: Niue. Dream Holiday Location: The North Shore, Auckland.
Mar 21 − Apr 19 Apr 20 − May 20 Aries Celestial frequencies suggest you try explaining your Taurus When you finally catch up on your lecture notes, you sig notes and essays out loud to someone, instead of just oth may give you head (? Like they might not), you might writing and writing and writing. Sure, rote learning also see Deadpool 2 and really enjoy it. Exam Tip: Just notes works. Exam Tip: Call a friend or family member don’t even open Netflix. Dream Holiday Location: One every day or so. It’ll remind you that there is so much of those cheap castles in the Czech Republic, you can more to life than University of Otago exams. legit buy one. Dream Hols Location: Home and/or Mexico City. Gemini May 21 − Jun 20 Cancer Jun 21 − July 22 You only have three exams this sem. The stars want you You’ve never really thought a great deal about Bic Runga to challenge yourself and try for at least one of them. or apple pies. On Wednesday, unrelated to a viewing of Give yourself something to be proud of; regardless American Pie, you will take your shirt off and do a kitchen of the grade you get, learning how to work hard is an dance. Exam Tip: Enjoy it. Go on. I dare you. invaluable skill. Exam Tip: If you’re smart you can put Dream Holiday Escape: New York, New York! vodka in your water bottle and take it into the exam. You don’t even have to drink it. Dream Holiday: Roadie from Wgtn to Tauranga to Nepal. Zen-dog life is the tits. Leo July 23 − Aug 22 Virgo Aug 23 − Sept 22 The stars and the full moon are combining to encour- Your flatmate’s thesis is due this week. The stars hon- age your late-night study seshes when you’re naturally estly say, this is the time, it will go well. Also, you’ll all the most studious. Roll with it. Also, apologise to you celebrate with a really nice home-made dinner and some wine *cough box-goon cough*. Exam Tip: take too many mate, forgiveness isn’t something you give them, it’s pens. If you get bored you can play with them. something you give yourself. Exam Tip: Just keep going. Dream Holiday Escape: A quiet cabin in the woods. Dream Holiday Escape: Anywhere that isn’t Dunedin.
Libra Sept 23 − Oct 22 Scorpio Oct 23 − Nov 21 The local clan of Wicca have written in this week, with Apollonian forces urge you to take a night walk and a day a specific warning for a Bobbie Marsland, don’t leave walk, grab a beer, sleep with a stranger, think about writing the house on the next rainy day, you will trip, it will it down, but don’t. Go to that exam, smile and freak ev- be painful. Exam Tip: burn wild sage and lavender and eryone out. Live on. Shaka. Exam Tip: the bigger and more then take the smoldering husks into the exam room. chill the smile, the more scary. Dream Holiday Escape: the Claim religious purposes. Antipodes (yes that is Aussie and/or NZ, you pleb). Dream Holiday Escape: Hollywood Boulevard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 − Dec 21 Capricorn Dec 22 − Jan 19 The stars know that you’ve been having nightmares. So You are a champion, just like everyone else. Don’t let it do your flatmates. Letting them in on the thing that’s go to your head. The particular alignment the planets been bothering you is the first step to recovery. - Sec take this week mean that you’ll look great in speedos, ond step is cleaning your sheets. Studying isn’t an ex- but should really shave (boys and girls) before you hit the cuse to become a lice-ridden cave man. Exam Tip: Read lanes. It’s just a public courtesy at this point. Exam Tip: all the questions before you answer, unless it’s Umat. Studying. Dream Holiday Escape: Mental solace +/- sol- Fuck Umat. Dream Holiday Escape: Somewhere niche itude. in South East Asia that no one’s ever been to before.
36 GAMES&PUZZLES
SUDOKU CROSSWORD Easy 1 2 3 4 8 2 5 4 6 9 1 5 6 7 1 5 7 2 4
8 7 3 1 9 8 9 10
3 2 11
5 2 9 3 6 12
3 4 5 1 8 13 6 7 8 3 2 1 6 14
15 16 Medium 17 1 2 6 3 7 18 5 8 2 9 3 9 5 4 8
19 1 3 8 5 1 9 6 20 5 1 4 3 3 8 4 2 9
ACROSS DOWN Evil 1. Rugby player nicknamed 'beaver', who kicked 2. Diffusion of a solvent across a semipermeable 4 3 1 the winning penalty against France in the 2011 membrane (7) RWC final, Stephen ______(6) 4. The set of rules, principles, and processes that 1 7 9 3. Prestigious scholarship to study at Oxford Uni- govern the structure of sentences in a given lan- 4 7 versity (6) guage (6) 7 5 2 5. Chandler Bing's middle name on Friends (6) 6. Belgian-Dutch Formula 1 drive, Max ______7. Rugby player named Player of the Century. Sir (10) 8 4 6 1 ______Meads (5) 8. The first kiwi author to win the Man Booker 3 6 8 9. Rich Armenian-American family (11) Prize, Keri ______(5) 12. Ksp = ______product constant (10) 10. The thing you hit in badminton (11) 2 8 13. Poseidon's favourite accessory (7) 11. The active ingredient in Nurofen (9) 9 5 2 15. Cambrian arthropod (9) 14. Capital of Kenya (7) 17. 2πrh+2πr2 = Area of a ______(8) 16. NZ is the first country to fly this flag in -par 3 7 9 18. 2011 earthquake in Japan (6) liament (8) 20. Critic's News Editor, ______O'Mannin (7) 19. A group of people united by actual or per-
ceived kinship and descent (4)
14.Nairobi 16.Intersex 19.Clan 16.Intersex 14.Nairobi
pen 8.Hulme 10.Shuttlecock 11.Ibuprofen 11.Ibuprofen 10.Shuttlecock 8.Hulme pen
- 6.Verstap 4.Syntax 2.Osmosis Down: lie.
15.Trilobite 17.Cylinder 18.Tohoku 20.Char 18.Tohoku 17.Cylinder 15.Trilobite -
in 9.Kardashians 12.Solubility 13.Trident 13.Trident 12.Solubility 9.Kardashians in
- 7.Col 5.Muriel 3.Rhodes 1.Donald Across: ANSWERS
37 CULTURE
ADVERTORIAL: NANDO’S REVIEW
by Chelle Fitzgerald
Ah, Nando’s – cemented firmly in the halls regrets” fund in order to treat myself. My companion Jack had himself a vegan of Dunedin’s upper echelons of fast food, Adding a side of “seriously large chips” for version of my burger, which is the same this bad boi is most certainly a cut above. another $9 fiddy, I was pretty excited to burger but with a vegan patty in it instead. Last week I was keen for a squawkin’ good tuck into these peri peri salted friends. For Metres away, my skin was burning with the hangover feed, and I was not disappointed the record, I wouldn’t call these “seriously radiation from his smug sense of self-sat- at all by the offerings. I ordered meself a large” though, unless you’re a three year isfaction as he swaggered up to loudly classic chicken burger with a plot twist of old or an Instagram #wellness hoe who is order his ethical burger. All smugness aside, a second peri-peri chicken breast. I got it obsessed with “glutes”. the Nando’s vegan burger is a tasty-ass without tomato, because tomatoes are for On the other hand, the chips were way to save the planet. My only issue with losers who hate themselves. Because I’m FUCKING YUMMO. They were perfectly Nando’s in Dunedin is that it is where a pub offensively white, I went with the lemon spiced, and just the right amount of crispy used to be, and any closure of a pub is a and herb spice level, and added some on the outside with just the right amount travesty in my opinion. But otherwise, keep cheese for extra zing. This burger was a of softness on the inside. McDonald’s hash that succulent goodness coming! whopping $14 fiddy, but I dug into my “no brown level of perfect.
38 CULTURE
CHECK OUT BEFORE MIDNIGHT By Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes
I’ve built a hotel for the rest of the world For the rest of the world to stay in I’m going to tuck my day dreamer into bed Make toast, butter with jam, on the veneer wooded Bench top
A bench top to make love on Like dusting it in flour Rising and rolling out the dough On pizza night Blitzing the sauce Testing the taste
I’ve built a hotel That the rest of the world sleeps in The carpets are the wrong shade of brown But they’re new Their toes will grip and curl Wrinkle with pleasure
A wardrobe to hang up Selves in, red jacket Sue Pearl necklaced Dusty Yellow rosed Lili There’s a complimentary Compliment, if you reach back Past the bodies
I’ve built a hotel for the world to stay in
39 CULTURE 40
CULTURE
CARTOONS COURTESY OF MARK WINTER
Former Fairfax daily cartoonist, Mark Winter, now with the Morning Star in the UK, reached out to Critic after hearing the international hullabaloo over the Menstrua- tion Isuue.
"Many moons ago, more specifically in the late '70s, I roamed the hallowed halls of Otago Uni... well even more specifically the Critic office. In fact if I had spent more time in lectures I wouldn't just be a cartoonist... I would be a successful cartoonist. I have the publication to blame for my first published toon". 40 years ago, under the pen name Chicane to protect the innocent and the rest is history."
41 COLUMNS What does this have to do with tea you fucking royal wedding every day for the might ask? Twinings represents Prince last week! Phillip at that royal event politely enquir- One major advantage of tea is that you ing as to whether the natives still throw can follow the above process and con- spears at each other. If you drink Twin- sume tea in the morning or the evening, By David Emanuel David By ings English Breakfast, therefore, you may just like alcohol! Be assured that when just end up in the desirable middle ground you do, you will be as soothed as if Her between being an outdated old racist and Majesty the Queen was whispering her the University. Christmas address into your ear (before Upon waking up on a cold Dunedin morn- she realises that some of her great-grand- ing, brewing a cup of Twinings English children will be mixed-race). Breakfast is like Nigella Lawson coming winings English Breakfast Tea is Tastes like: tea. into bed and spooning you while you the opposing force to 2018, our T watch The Crown on Netflix. It makes you Pairs with: Referring to indigenous peo- last hope before we descend into com- just want to lie there all day and become ples as “the natives,” racism and generally plete censorship. as unemployed as Nicky Hager. ruining entire continents. It is important to clarify that every year The correct way to brew Twinings English the big wigs who write the Oxford Breakfast is as follows: one, put the kettle English Dictionary add a new word to on. Two, put a tea bag in a mug. Three, the dictionary to represent the feeling pour in the water. Four, add a splash of of the times. This year they announced milk (but not too much!) Five, add sugar the addition of the new verb “2018’d”. to taste. Anyone who flouts this process Examples of 2018ings include law cares less about their personal well-being camp, Mark Henaghan, drawing vaginas than the media does about actual world and not being able to criticise the DCC news. They have played a story about the
TWININGS ENGLISH BREAKFAST TEA TWININGS ENGLISH BREAKFAST even though they are certified fascists.
42 COLUMNS
KINGFISHER PREMIUM LAGER By Swilliam Shakesbeer rickity-reckity rickity-reckity wrecked if you can cope follow. to bound is that hangover the with - King the regular this beer, of the eyes In You Weak”. “Kingfisher as known is fisher know that a beer must get people truly rolled if it makes them call a 5 - percen ter weak. I can attestto their might, as I these can - of smashed back three once BYO. a before succession quick in nisters One minute I was with it, next I was in a know didn’t I Americans with restaurant force-feeding and Malone Post me calling me wine through a shoe. King of good Fuckingtimes? oath it is. Tasting notes: India’s finest premium, malted light barley, hops, deception. Pairs well with: The best darn butter forget to wanting had, ever you’ve chicken that shitty assignment, Post Malone’s “Beer Bongs and Bentleys”. level: 9,999/10 Froth level: 5/10 Taste
43 One One minute you’re fine, then the next you’re absolutely pissed off your tits, passed out in your mate’s room, lounge most or all alleyway, likely three. The secret in Kingfisher’s deception is how easy they are to get down. They’re crisp, light and taste fine, unlike most theory My beers. percentage higher other is that much like a fish isattracted to a lure, skint students see this price, fall for the ploy, and never make the same mis- hot that to back going like It’s again. take you gave they but fun, was it yeah fresher: gonorrhoea. Is the risk really worth the Thepay off? answer is upyou. to But here’s the real kicker, these - king fishers aren’teven the strongest or the cheapest you can get. The creators of Kingfisher must have had breathers in mind because they made a big fuck off in Weighing Strong”. “Kingfisher called can whopping with at 500ml $3.50 a can per 7.2% alcohol content, this is where the phrase “can of whoop ass” came from. are Strongies waya to get cost-effective Every week Every I’m tempted by the same This sultrytantalising temptress offer. is not that hot fresher at 10 Bar, but $22. I am 5% beers for instead twelve - Pre Kingfisher about talking course of mium Lager. easy cheap, is India in created beer This (“The slogan its like much and drink, to King of Good Times”) suggests, it’s a a there’s However, fucking time.good of see hordes don’t you why reason Uni students drinking these delecta- these because it’s delights, drunken ble fuckers are sneaky. SNAPS SNAP,CRACK Send us a snap, crack open a CRITIC & popple up a prize* THIS WEEK'S WINNER
44 SANPS & POPPLE US *The best snap each week wins a 12 pack of V
45 BLIND DATE BLIND DATE
Two Tails of Love
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email [email protected] Shakira Kanye n a chilly Thursday night, gut-wrenched, I found myself sitting irst of all, to all you perverts that read blind date for their Oacross from a curly-haired surfer dude who we all once wished F weekly fix of softcore erotica I’m sorry to leave you sorely we were. I will say, I never understood the sex appeal of a moustache disappointed. A slightly tipsy, slightly nervous lad was chap- until we met. Also, he came in for a hug before I sat down, I mean eroned to the blind date by two flatmates who had curated what a gent. Diving straight in, we discussed his intrepid excursion the perfect playlist to calm anyone’s nerves (Kanye, Netsky to the Maldives for his geography masters testing how sand blew in and Dave Guetta). Arriving first, I made the first power play by the wind? I will confess, I was a bit confused. seating myself facing away from the entrance – mysterious. The wonderful Miss Waimate arrived not two minutes later, While we ate dinner, with funky jazz music playing, his lecturer and as the cacophonous (turn your fucking guitar down) jazz band many others put on a performance with what looked like ballroom began to set up. with a weird twist? We shared dessert, and I lost my crème brŭlée virginity that night, he even let me crack the top of it. Our date at the I’ll admit it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, but my restaurant ended with a glass of pinot noir then walked to Social Club nerves were slowly put to rest. Both coming from small towns where I met some of his friends, flatmates and crew from his band. riddled with orchards allowed a peachy place for conversation Then karaoke was on the cards, Vivace really did bring it home that to start (Cromwell vs. Waimate – you decide). To be honest, it night. Four other girls were there. Proud to call them our “Wishbone was a wonderful date accompanied by genuine conversation. Cafe hype squad,” they earned it with the energy they brought, then But that makes for a boring read up in Critic, doesn’t it? You later a couple showed up and the man serenaded his wife, it really sick fucks, all you want is to read about some alcohol-fuelled was beautiful. After doing a duet to White Flag” by Dido, he whipped display of impotence. After the band reached the crescendo out “Monster” by Nicki, he knew every lyric I truly couldn’t fault it, he of their performance we decided to head off to Vivace for ended with what looked like could have been the splits but wasn’t. I some karaoke. I had some Yeezy flavoured tricks up my sleeve was impressed. I had a go at “Hips Don’t Lie” but it wasn’t nearly as and a girl to impress. impressive. He left to get more song tickets then said he’d bought I was treated to a world-class performance of Shakira (Shakira two shots, I’d told him I probably shouldn’t have any more to drink, Shakira) and I’ve gotta say esas caderas no mienten (thanks he then said “Don’t worry I’ve already had them”. He did mention Google Translate). As per usual, I absolutely killed Nicki’s verse previously that he was a big fan of karaoke. The night came to a close, in “Monster”. On the way home we talked creative outlets he walked me home, I invited him in to have a look at my artwork on and I was captivated by Shakira’s passion for tasteful nude the walls to prove it wasn’t a facade. After showing him my humble portraits. Sign me up. abode I whipped out the hula-hoop, his hips didn’t lie, I’m sure he can practice. Walking him out we exchanged numbers and agreed upon I had an absolute waazoo of a time, thanks Te Arohi, thanks possibly seeing each other again. Dog With Two Tails and thank you to my wonderful date! Keep an eye on that phone of yours. So, when I applied for the blind date I promised a life drawing of the lucky man, as I did not succeed I felt guilty and did a post-it note PS Even though you’re a vegetarian, thanks for eating my ass. drawing whilst tipsy. I woke up to it the next morning. It was terrible. Thanks Dog With Two Tails and Critic she sure was a faaaab night!
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