Every Day Is a Wild Card with Kim Jong
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9 ue ss I Monday April 15, 2013 I, $U-235 II X The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University l. o Ducking and Covering . since 1886 V w w w Draw Four, . t h e s la n t .n et @T he_ Slant Seoul Every Day is a Wild Card with Kim Jong Uno “I hope the UN has a Reverse” - Japan THISJUSTIN White Power Groups Protest Justin Timberlake Unveils Triathlon; Declare Mixed Plans for Sequel Album, Maintenance Worker’s Wife Races to be an Affront to God “Woman Noises” Angry that he Leaves a By: Sam Wild By: Sophie To surprisingly heartfelt Tweet of Yellow Sticky Note Every Race Reporter Falsetto Favorer praise for the album: “@jtim- berlake k ur still prty good. Time he Adjusts the NASHVILLE, TN – Thou- the dawn of humanity for a rea- Following critical acclaim wish i could have been the sands of members of assorted son. We have created a mon- and commercial success of woman noises on ur album ;).” Thermostat white power groups converged grel race today, and it cannot “The 20/20 Experience,” Jus- However, not everyone has By: James Gillin on Nashville last week to pro- continue.” tin Timberlake is set to release been satisfied with “Woman test the Commodore Run. Each Jacob Rowenson, an electri- the much-anticipated sequel Noises.” “This album makes me Maintenance Man year, the race combines the tra- cian from Chattanooga, in dis- album, “Woman Noises”. The want to grind on everything-- NASHVILLE—Local main- meaning of the “Service: Filter” ditional three triathlon phases: cussing why he was protesting album was originally scheduled even women!” complained the tenance worker’s wife, Rhon- note posted above the kitchen running, biking, and swim- explained, “Jesus said to love to come out this November, openly gay Lance Bass, former da Rhineberg, has gotten all doorway. “I don’t tell him to fix ming. Though usually a light- everyone. Except people who but due to increased fan and ‘N Sync bandmate. steamed up over her hus- anything, but he keeps mess- hearted and family friendly run a race and then bike a race. media demand, it will come out “Everything sounds like band’s inability to leave work ing around and calling things atmosphere, this year the race Those people we hate. That’s on April 20. woman noises. It’s like he at work. Her husband, John, ‘serviced.’ And then when I experienced a significant rise right out of the Bible.” In the meantime, The Slant took the second half of each has been leaving a yellow plant actually ask him to screw in a in hate. Many participants in the race was fortunate enough to be of his songs from ‘The 20/20 ops service notice every time new lightbulb, he gives me an The KKK, the most vocal of were convinced by the protes- able to contact Timberlake’s Experience’--you know, the he makes a minor adjustment 8-hour window to wait!” the organizations, orchestrated tor’s rhetoric and actually de- publicists, and we let them parts where there’s a recording around the apartment, includ- Peeved with her inability protests over the mixed nature cided to resign from the race. show us a few things, including of a woman making pleasure ing his nightly lowering of the to view her walls any longer, of the race. Samuel Whitestone, As athlete John Williamson put details about some of the tracks sounds--and put them all into thermostat. The walls have Rhonda looked outside the President of the Athens, Geor- it, “You know these guys actu- and reviews on the EP. one song. Not that that’s a bad become plastered with the yel- marriage and attempted a gia chapter of the organization, ally make a pretty great point. “Woman Noises”, is the thing, but it’s not really mu- low notes, causing marital ten- maintenance request to a dif- gave a rousing speech in front Mixing three races is just re- eponymous first track on the sic…” says McKayla Maroney, sion as Rhonda can no longer ferent maintenance worker of over 3,200 attendees directly ally long. I feel like just doing album. Several critics, includ- the famously unimpressed view her wallpaper, hanging to come remove some of the before the race began. His key- one is enough. Do I really need ing those from The New York Olympic gymnast. artwork, or the contents of her notes; sources confirm the note address summarized his to run, bike, and swim? It just Times, People magazine, and Unlike his last album, whose bookshelves. other worker examined the beliefs thusly: “We cannot al- sounds exhausting.” others, have written positive songs average seven minutes The thermostat notes, de- notes, muttered something low the purity of the supreme Triathlon veteran Harrison reviews. each, “Woman Noises” fea- scribing the adjustment of a about “against protocol,” and race to be contaminated any Billings added, “If you cramp Justin Bieber, too, com- tures much shorter songs that few degrees, and other notices departed in a huff, leaving an- longer. If God intended for us up in the water, you drown. mented on Timberlake’s ability climax for about thirty seconds appear daily, too quickly for other note to indicate that he to mix the races together, he That shit’s scary. Let’s keep the to reach high notes with ease, and then fade into background Rhonda to keep up with and had stopped by and done abso- would not have made them dif- races pure like those guys are saying, “Dude, his falsetto is so music and sighs for a couple of remove in a timely fashion. lutely nothing. ferent. What we are about to saying.” good that it makes me think it’s minutes. “Most of the time I have no witness is heresy, poison, and At press time The Slant had actually like, false. Reminds me Don’t know about you, but idea what he even fixed,” ex- above all, unnatural. Each race yet to verify whether or not of my own pre-pubescent days. we can’t wait to hit all the high plained a perplexed Rhonda, should be separate from an- drowning is in fact scary. As in yesterday. Swag.” notes with JT on 4/20. as she tried to comprehend the other. It has been this way since Even Britney Spears gave a INSIDETHISISSUE Genghis Khan 2 Caesar 3 Henry VII 4 Napoleon 5-6 FDR 7 2 4 Generic Band About to Play One Off Their Steep Curb at Mystikal Concert Warns, Nelson Mandela 7-8 New Album “Shake Ya Ass... But Watch Ya Step!” 2 THEFACTSOF(SEX)LIFE 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -April 15, 2013 The Slant - www.theslant.net -April 15, 2013 FROM THE EDITOR Fucked Image Actually Inside This Issue Why hello there. Allow me to introduce Sex and Dictators 2 myself. The name’s ........................................................... Peter Linck, and I’m the new Editor In Pillows and Goats ........................................................... 3 Chief of The Slant for this transition issue and upcoming school Future News ........................................................................ 3 year. I couldn’t be happier All About the Pub ....................................................... 4-5 PETER LINCK to take over El Slant, and of course I must also congratulate and AROUND THE LOOP: Hot Dogs ............................ 6 introduce our new Managing Editor, Mr. Michael Hogue. Together we hope to continue poking fun at the vision that Cornelius Vanderbilt spent Dat New Kissam ............................................................... 7 $1 million dollars on some 140 years ago. Emo Horse listens to Hoofthorne Heights, System Let’s see, what is there to know about me. Well, of a Churchill Downs, and Neigh Anything. TOP TEN: Harry Potter Endings 8 I’m originally from St. Louis which is honestly ........................... just Nashville with more snow and tornadoes. I failed my driving test once before I actually passed, and I wear Birkenstocks all the damn Student Realizes Casual Sex is time. I live with my fantastic parents and older sister, Maggie. My Mom is the black one, and my Dad is the white one. They’re in love and it’s Just a Part of Life awesome. By: Peter Linck My favorite food? It’s chili. I like crappy ac- Casual Carouser tion movies and comedies, though I also appreci- Sophomore T.J. Bloomfeld was surprised this past Saturday From his realization, Bloomfeld also now sees that even he can ate and enjoy artsy films. I put my cellphone in when he had the sudden realization that casual sex is simply a get laid despite only being an average looking guy because that’s my right pocket, chapstick in my left, keys in my part of life. Though he used to believe that casual sex was merely just how things work. “I’m not saying I’m going to go hookup with back left, and wallet in my back right. I used to a part of Vanderbilt’s so called “hook-up culture,” Bloomfeld now some girl at a party this weekend, but I guess I have the option,” play the cello and then I switched to choir be- sees the true prevalence of casual sex on a larger scale. concluded the sophomore. Sources added that he may or may cause it was a lot more fun. “Thousands, if not millions of people around the world prob- not act on his libido in the near future, much the same as all other Here at Vanderbilt I study creative writing with ably do it every single day,” noted Bloomfeld, who also now un- adults. minors in French and film studies, so you know derstands that the sexualized culture of modern society facilitates I’m going to flounder after graduation.