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The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 | varsity.co.uk | Friday January 19 2007 | Issue 649

ARTS & Hutchinson cleared FEATURES of sexual assault FEATURES »Trinity Hall fellow to New year’s sue Cambridge daily resolutions two for “libellous” coverage weeks on Hutchinson “declined to speak to us »PAGE 12 ELLIOT ROSS but instead sold his story to a tabloid News Editor Sunday newspaper, whose reporter was at his house on the evening of A Cambridge academic cleared last the not guilty verdict”. month of sexual assault plans to sue Hutchinson described the reaction the Cambridge Evening News for of his students, three of whom what he called “three clear cases of returned from their year abroad to libel”. He may bring a further charge act as character witnesses, as of harassment. “absolutely amazing”, also praising Dr Peter Hutchinson, Deputy his “wonderful” colleagues in the Head of the Department of German University. One of Hutchinson’s stu- and Fellow of Trinity Hall, was dents, third year linguist Callum found not guilty by a jury at Hind, was critical of “unfair” Norwich Crown Court on December reportage in the local press. He said MUSIC 8 2006 after a previous trial in that all eight linguists in his year at Cambridge had to be adjourned for Trinity Hall visited Hutchinson as Dubstep: legal reasons. soon as the story broke to let him Hutchinson has spoken out know that they were “very much Entering the against “inaccurate and unbalanced” behind him”. Later in the term the press coverage of the case, and said same group took Hutchinson and his underground his barrister, who has advised him to wife out for dinner and gave him a take legal action against two nation- luxury hamper. »PAGE 19 al newspapers, considered the The accusations were brought by a reporting of the first trial “among young policewoman, a former stu- the most scurrilous he had experi- dent of Hutchinson, who had visited enced in over thirty years at the him in his college rooms in October Bar”. The CEN were “determined to 2005. She claimed to have been shame me in the local community”, assaulted by Hutchinson as she he told Varsity. “My aim is to pre- examined a mouse mat. She told the vent the newspaper from treating court “I felt his hand cup my buttock. anyone else in this way, with their He didn’t say anything, he sort of let intrusion of privacy, harassment, out a chuckly-type groan and pervy ridiculously one-sided view of the noises.” She said that Hutchinson case, and clearly libellous state- then tried to kiss her twice, attempts ments”, he said. that she resisted, latterly using a At the time of the trials, the CEN police training manoeuvre which carried headlines such as “Dirty don involved pressing her arm against wanted a quick feel, jury told” and his throat. “German lecturer: ‘I do pat bottoms’”. Hutchinson has always admitted But CEN Editor Murray Morse physical contact with the woman. dismissed suggestions of a vendetta But he argued, “that touching was Dr Peter Hutchinson: found not guilty last month DYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSON as “rubbish”, defending the newspa- not primarily sexual, and I had no per’s coverage as “totally fair and reason whatsoever to believe that from me” contained sexual innuendo. quality of teaching that the Medieval accurate”. “I don’t know who has she would object”. Hutchinson pointed out that the and Modern Language students advised Hutchinson to pursue a The meeting between the two was nature of email correspondence deserve,” praising Hutchinson’s legal action against the newspaper” preceded by an exchange of emails. excluded facial expression and tone “outstanding reputation”. Asked he said, adding “whoever it is should Prosecution lawyer Chris Morgan of voice, but conceded “the banter whether he considered Hutchinson check their facts first”. He is “total- told the court that Hutchinson wrote and flirtation – on both sides – went to have been in breach of any code of ly confident” of mounting a success- of his tendency to “go a bit weak at a bit too far”. practice, Bampos stressed the col- returns... ful defence. the knees with blondes with a cer- Hutchinson expressed relief that lege’s adherence to the University’s Morse went on to say that the tain colour of eye who are just won- no moves had been taken to consider ‘Dignity at Work’ policy, but said »PAGE 10 CEN had offered Hutchinson the derful people as well”. Morgan his suspension. Dr Nick Bampos, that as the complaint was made from chance to give his full story after his argued that a separate email asking Senior Tutor at Trinity Hall, said outside the college, it was for the acquittal. He claimed that her to “Give your… cat a stroke “our first priority was to offer the court system to deal with.

Comment: A well-executed plan | Sport: Rugby triumph | Puzzles: Rotations are back!

Got a news story? Friday January 19 2007 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news In Brief Academics bust chip and pin Scott’s last »Payments Association maintains that cardholders’ details are safe letters on show chip and pin terminal, but collecting lion pounds was fraudulently siphoned in protecting their PIN, or they were AMY HOGGART card details and PINs entered”. from customer accounts. attempting to defraud the bank by Captain Robert Scott’s final letters to his Worryingly, he claimed that the Open to such attacks, questions making false claims”. wife, written on his ill-fated expedition to Members of the University of experiment would be easy to recre- have been asked as to why the But it would be difficult to move the South Pole in 1912, have been dis- Cambridge Security Group have dis- ate: “Only moderate technical skill in machines were introduced and mar- back to signature cards as banks are played for the first time. The letters covered a new way of doctoring chip electronics is needed and it took keted as a safer alternative to the sign- apparently reluctant to reissue them. were given to the University’s Scott and pin machines to steal customer around a month for us to build and ing method. Murdoch acknowledges When asked how he personally pays Polar Research Institute by Scott’s data. The team opened up a chip and test the equipment. We estimate that that the terminals do incorporate anti- for goods, Murdoch said that he uses daughter-in-law, Lady Philippa Scott. pin terminal purchased on eBay and the equipment needed to perform this tampering protection, but that “when cash whenever possible, even though Director of the Institute, Prof. Julian replaced its internal hardware with attack would cost less than £250, and triggered they only prevent the termi- this “results in different risks”. He Dowdeswell, said they are “invaluable in their own, gaining complete control of is easily available from online elec- nal processing real transactions”. He added a recommendation that credit enabling us to continue our historical role the machine without displaying any tronics shops.” He added, explained that “this feature cards should be used in pref- as an international centre for the study evidence of external damage. “Everything we used is general pur- exists to protect the bank, erence to debit cards of the Polar Regions”. Jessica King Personal account details and PINs pose hardware with many legitimate not the customer”. as the legal pro- could then be copied and used to cre- uses, so buying it should not raise sus- While previous tection is bet- ate fake cards. picion. After this stage, building any signature-based ter. New look for Steven Murdoch and Saar Drimer, subsequent fake terminals would be transactions researchers at the group, which spe- much cheaper and faster, probably laid the respon- Fisher Square cialises in testing the security of elec- taking a few days to a week.” sibility on the But the importance of the discovery bank to Fisher Square, adjacent to the Soul was yesterday undermined by Sandra prove that Tree nightclub, will undergo a £350,000 “To demonstrate Quinn, Director of Corporate the cus- renovation. Cambridge City Council Communications at APACS, the UK tomer- has commissioned British sculptor their complete payments association. She told Varsity autho- Peter Randall-Page to transform the that they “have discovered that the rised pay- area. Mr Randall-Page’s work, control of the terminal the Cambridge Security ments, inspired by patterns in nature, has Group used isn’t in fact a chip and pin chip and pin been exhibited in the British Museum machine, they terminal and has none of the tamper- transactions and the Tate Gallery. The centrepiece responsive switches that the current allow banks will be a sculpture carved from red wired it up to terminals have”. She added that “the to assume that granite. Other planned innovations terminal manufacturer is writing a let- the customer is include a curve of steps and new-band- play Tetris” ter of complaint to Cambridge”. As liable, unless ed paving. Chrissy Collins well as arguing that “what is possible they can prove in lab conditions is unlikely to be suc- otherwise. cessful in the real world”, she detailed Murdoch tronic hardware, were responsible a variety of safety features designed to pointed out one Breakthrough in for the project. To demonstrate their prevent such fraud. negative effect of complete control of the machine, But the Security Group believes the move to chip nuclear research they wired it up to play Tetris, post- that theirs is not the only method of and pin in “the Cambridge scientists have developed a ing a video of the feat on the committing chip and pin fraud. Ross increasing number way to potentially store high-level YouTube website. Anderson, another member of the of complaints about nuclear waste for thousands of years. By With its internal mechanics com- group, said “There are many, many banks claiming to vic- forming a crystal from a combination of pletely altered, the terminal could ways in which chip and pin transac- tims of fraud that since radioactive material with more stable easily be swapped with one in-store tions can be attacked”. Murdoch added a PIN was used synthetic materials, the chance of leak- without any visible difference. that many of these would be “easier” either the cus- ages can be reduced. Research leader Dr Murdoch explained, “Since the new to achieve, citing the Shell chip and pin tomer was Ian Farnan said it could “make billions of electronics were designed by us, we fraud last May when magnetic infor- negligent pounds worth of savings and improve could write software which made the mation was copied from cards used in overall safety”.varsity Cat page Moss 2.pdf 12/1/07 10:42:09terminal behave just like a normal chip and pin transactions, and one mil- Steven Murdoch, part of the team which carried out the research Hood defeated by rebel dons Jamie Munk examines the drive for Oxbridge reform One could have forgiven Dr John their unique systems of self-gover- year heritage of academic democra- Hood for not pulling his party pop- nance in line with those of other cy be maintained, and respected by per with his usual enthusiasm this universities. HEFCE as a valid way of running New Year’s Eve. After two years Few in Cambridge will be their affairs. rigorously battling to push through lamenting the news from ‘the other The coming months should be his controversial plans to reform the place’. Had the reforms gone highly revealing. Hood is being university’s governance, the Oxford through, Cambridge would have called to Parliament early this year vice-chancellor was finally forced to been left on its own to face up to to give evidence to the Education C admit defeat on December 19. government calls to bring more and Skills Select Committee’s

M In a postal ballot of members of review of higher education, and it is Congregation, Oxford’s ‘parliament known that Gordon Brown, among Y of dons’, over 60 per cent voted “Few in others, has concerns over Oxford against the reforms. The major bone and Cambridge’s ability to govern CM of contention for the rebels was that Cambridge will themselves effectively. MY plans to increase the number of The debate will hinge on whether external members of the university’s be lamenting the the universities can prove their own CY governing council would fundamen- news from the competence, particularly on the CMY tally undermine the academic free- question of financial management. dom and the historic tradition of the In Cambridge, the Council is now in K university as an independent com- other place” the process of drawing up a green munity of scholars. paper proposing limited reforms to But the decision will do little to achieve such an end. And almost abate calls for university reform, before the postal result had come and many are already predicting external members onto its Council. through in Oxford, all sides were significant political repercussions. But with the rebel success, the talking of the need for rapproche- In the last few years the govern- University Council is more likely to ment so that the university can find ment has been leaning increasingly be able to stand firm in declaring the right way to reform. on both Oxford and Cambridge to its resolve to continue governing It is becoming increasingly clear reform their governance. And since itself internally. that while divisions remain on the the passing of new charity legisla- The Council has already declared kind of reform needed, there is a tion last year, both institutions now that it sees no need for major struc- broad consensus within both univer- face additional pressure from the tural changes, and many feel that sities that any change should be on Higher Education Funding Council Oxford and Cambridge should now their own terms rather than those of for England (HEFCE) to bring work together to ensure that an 800- the government.

Friday January 19 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news [email protected] NEWS 3 Drink driver sentenced »Girton student jailed after high speed crash kills close friend

TOM PARRY-JONES News Editor

A Cambridge student was sen- tenced to six-and-a-half years in Ballare prison after pleading guilty to caus- ing death by dangerous driving in Plain one, purl one? November 2005. Ivan Mazour, 22, was driving his Not here, sunshine Mitsubishi Evolution VIII at 80mph Plain and purling is not often seen as through a 30mph area of Central a particularly hazardous pastime, London when he lost control, hitting but one politically-active knitter a lamp post and an oncoming BMW was told otherwise while out on the saloon. Police analysis showed that town at CUSU’s weekly Kinki club- he was “three times over the drink night. Jacob Bard-Rosenberg, more drive limit”, having drunk the widely known for his radical ram- equivalent of thirteen whiskies, and blings than his crocheting skills, was that there was “a quantity of sitting in the club working his magic cannabis in his system”. on a new beanie for a friend, when His front seat passenger, 21 year- his artistic reverie was interrupted old Charlie Green, was taken to by the arrival of the Ballare bounc- University College Hospital where ers. Our hat-weaving hero was told he was pronounced dead. Green’s that the tools of his trade constitut- fiance, Dookie Groves, was also in ed a health and safety hazard for the car returning home from a night other clubbers, and had them confis- out in the West End. Groves, also cated for the remainder of the 21, told the court that she had lost evening, in spite of protests that her “soulmate”, and that she had there weren’t any “no knitting” begged Mazour to slow down when signs warning of the prohibition. he began driving “crazy fast”. Her pleas were ignored and the car spun across the central reservation of the Piccadilly underpass into oncoming Downing traffic. The driver and five passen- Wreckage abandoned on the Piccadilly underpass after the accident METROPOLITAN POLICE gers in the BMW were injured, as Windy wilds of the was Ms Groves. Girton, is the son of the president of maintained that the offence carried She concluded by speaking of her college paddock Mazour, at the time of the incident the Russian oil company RAO the “most serious culpability” due to “memories of the joy he brought a third year Maths student at Rosneftegazstroi, also called Ivan “excess alcohol ... and greatly exces- us”. A website has been set up by As Cambridge was ravaged by gale- Mazour. Educated at Eton, he sive speed”. Mazour himself also Charlie Green’s friends to remem- force winds last week, at least the achieved six A-levels at grade ‘A’, addressed the court, saying “I am so ber his life through photos and students of Downing were benefit- before taking up his place at sorry for all the pain and grief and “thoughts and feelings”. ing from the sage advice of their Cambridge in 2003. Described by a tragedy I have caused to Charlie’s The incident had passed mostly domestic bursar. ‘Wing-commander’ fellow student in his year as “quite a family, his fiance, his friends, to all unnoticed by the Girton student Dick Taplin warned his college quiet guy”, Mazour had a penchant those injured and their families”. He body. Ashley Aarons, JCR cadets in an email to “take care when for expensive cars, owning a BMW has been disqualified from driving President at the time of the crash moving around”. He hadn’t earned M5 as well as the Mitsubishi for eight years. told Varsity that he “hadn't been his stripes for nothing: the former Evolution VIII that was involved in Green had been a student at the told about it” by the college. flying ace immediately spotted the the crash. London College of Fashion, and was Current JCR President Simon dangers of tile-shedding roofs and Prior to the incident Mazour described by the judge as a Burdus said that while there was flailing branches. Rookies, look to expressed concern on an internet “remarkable young man”. In court “nothing made of it” by the college the skies. forum for the passengers in a fellow his mother spoke of her grief. authorities, Charlie Green has been forum member’s wrecked car, a sen- “What can prepare you for the mentioned in special remembrance timent acknowledged by the judge. shock of sudden death? No second services in the Chapel. Andrew Anthony Pitts, sentencing, said “of chance, no fighting for recovery, Jefferies, Senior Tutor at the col- Madingley Rise course you did not intend to kill or just death.” She said that Marisha lege, refused to comment on the MET POLICE even harm Charlie Green that night Green attempted suicide following matter, saying it would not be Wheeling it out for Victim, Charlie Green - indeed he was your friend”. But he the trauma of her brother’s death. “appropriate”. your eyes only The University is warning its young English roses to avert their eyes this week following the return of a menac- Vice-Chancellor denies Harvard move ing threat to the streets of our fair town. A delinquent young man riding »Newspaper points to Alison Richard as likely candidate for Harvard presidency a bike has been spotted near the Old Observatory on Madingley Rise as a front-runner. lic expression of support for which claimed that Richard “does not exhibiting more of himself than is LIZZIE MITCHELL Richard, Vice-Chancellor of [Richard]” at Harvard. consider herself a candidate for the desirable to passing ladies. In the Cambridge since 2003, is the only seri- Cambridge professor Gillian Evans presidency of Harvard”. past, exhibitioners were an impor- A Harvard student newspaper has ous candidate currently employed by has expressed uncertainty over Of the other candidates listed as tant part of the life of the University, suggested that Cambridge Vice- an institution outside the USA. Richard’s suitability for the presiden- serious contenders for the post, all but college authorities are keen to Chancellor Alison Richard may leave Should she leave Cambridge for cy, saying that “Harvard has had a except one have so far refrained stress that the seeming return of this the University to take up the presi- Massachusetts, she would become taste of blood”, while calling Richard a from comment, and the Crimson gentleman, last seen a year ago, is a dency of Harvard University, a move “low profile Vice-Chancellor” who has reports that the selection committee wholly different matter. which would entail Richard abandon- “kept Cambridge out of the headlines is paying no attention to ing her current post three years “Harvard is quite effectively”. the candidates’ public before the end of her contract. Harvard anthropologist Professor statements in its deci- The Harvard Crimson has pub- ready for a David R. Pilbeam, who taught sion-making process. Selwyn lished a shortlist of 30 candidates for Richard at Cambridge, praised “a It is expected that the presidency, which has been under female wonderful person, academic, teacher, the new appoint- Unexpected snowball temporary stewardship since the last administrator, who would be an ment will be hits a little hard incumbent, Lawrence Summers, president” equally wonderful Harvard announced in resigned shortly after hypothesising President. I fear, however, that she early February. One Snowball reveller got more than that a lack of female mathematicians may feel that she already has the Were Richard to he bargained for after misunder- and scientists in the higher levels of best academic job in the world.” accept any offer, standing the concept of the event’s academia could be due to innate dif- Harvard’s first female president and In a statement issued by her office it is likely that one-way system. After a few tenta- ferences between men and women. the first for 370 years not to have a in the wake of recent speculation, she would take tive paces, his error was brought to With a decision imminent, sources Harvard degree. Richard affirmed “her deep and office on 1 July his attention by a resounding thump near to the presidential selection com- President of the Crimson, William unequivocal commitment to the 2007, the date in the face from a student security mittee have suggested Richard’s Ciro Marra, has told Varsity that University of Cambridge and to com- when academic guard. Speculation continues as to name as one of four which are under “Harvard is definitely ready for a pleting the full term of her appoint- appointments at whether this particular entertain- most serious consideration for the female president,” but added that ment, which ends in 2010”, a moderat- Harvard usually ment will be moved to the main stage post; the Crimson is pointing to her “there has been no major notable pub- ed version of last month’s statement take effect. for next year’s ball.

Got a news story? Friday January 19 2007 4 NEWS Call us now on 01223 353422 varsity.co.uk/news Return of the water vole Brothel ring crackdown »Ratty comes back to Cambridge after twenty year absence fails to impress councillors visitors. Mr Farmer did emphasise College recalled with a sense of nos- KATY LEE however that there was no sugges- talgia the heady days of the early tion “that the women were underage 1970s. “Voles were legion; I vividly Two Cambridge residents sentenced or coerced”. remember one of the furry fellows for managing a chain of brothels in No official records of turnover crawling up my punt pole.” the Romsey area have walked free have been found but the brothel But now, with the new location and from court. By the time a verdict chain is estimated to have brought in sightings of voles in the nearby Garret was passed on December 21, a total of over £500,000 over a period Hostel Lane there is hope that the old Andrew Reader and Stephen of twenty months, with Reader per- burrows will soon be repopulated and Pilsworth had already spent enough sonally receiving approximately that the rodents will be a familiar time in police custody to have served £2,000 each month. sight in Cambridge once more. out their sentences. There has been local protestation at A spokesman for the University A major operation to crack the the leniency of the sentences applied said “This particular ditch was found in this case and at the laws surround- to be a good habitat for these shy ing prostitution in general. creatures. It is a sunny, quiet, ideally “I would have Cambridgeshire County Councillor sloping bank, with no sign of cats, Geoffrey Heathcock has called for mink or foxes”. The conservation been gutted to reform of sentencing laws, telling project is planned for Summer 2007, Varsity that “a lot of money changed once funding has been obtained. see these people hands for these individuals, the police The creatures are often mistaken spent a significant amount of time for rats, and indeed in Kenneth walk” working on this case and had I been a Grahame’s The Wind in the Willows police officer I would have been gutted Ratty is in fact a water vole, known to see these people walk!” for his kind and friendly nature. County Cllr Alice Douglas and Unfortunately, since that book was brothel ring began in June 2004 after City Cllr Catherine Smart also high- written, American Mink have been Reader was discovered at Stansted lighted the need for a change in the A vole tests out the water temperature TERRY LONGLEY introduced into the country and they Airport with £3,700 in his luggage. law, claiming that “current laws have proven to be far worse enemies Undercover police officers posed as often force prostitutes into a criminal mates rest at just 220,000, a disas- than the Weasels and Stoats which “punters”, visiting the houses on sub-culture”. Cllr Douglas cited the TOM MORIATY trous demographic decline of 95 per troubled Mr Toad, Badger, Moley and Coleridge Road, Sedgwick Street recent murders of five prostitutes cent in the last 20 years alone. While Ratty. Their predations have ravaged and Thoday Street to question the in Ipswich and suggested that “reg- Cambridge’s scenic backs area is voles were once a common feature of the riverside population, while man- sex workers. Raids were conse- ulation of brothels, as long as there joining the fight against the extinc- agement of waterways and drainage quently carried out on the establish- is neither trafficking nor exploita- tion of one of Britain’s most endan- systems has also destroyed much of ments in January 2006, culminating tion involved, may be a way to bet- gered species. the natural habitat for the voles in in the arrests of Reader and ter protect sex workers from abuse. Water vole burrows have been “I vividly recent years. Pilsworth. Five maids, who under- Regulation would also help protect spotted along a ditch between Clare remember one Ruth Hawksley from the Wildlife took secretarial work for the broth- local communities from any related and King’s colleges following drainage Trust said, “Often ditches are man- els, were also arrested and conse- nuisance or disturbance.” work carried out last spring. Wildlife crawling up my aged by drainage engineers who quently sentenced. Reader was sen- The local sex industry is thriving experts hope that environmental want everything to look “tidy”, but tenced to three concurrent 18-month according to a 2004 investigation by improvements made to the area will punt pole” the same flood defence can be sentences and Pilsworth to three researchers from BBC Radio help to safeguard the future prospects achieved through more “wildlife nine-month sentences. Cambridgeshire, who found a total of the Cam’s water vole population, friendly” management”. Advertisements for the brothels, of 70 opportunities to pay for sex in whose numbers have declined rapidly If the conservation work is carried running under the names of “Elite” the county. One former brothel over the last forty years. Britain’s riverside landscapes, the out and the Backs become a suitable and “Elegance”, had been placed in manager commented that “from the From a population of around eight sighting of one has become some- habitat for water voles, look out for the Cambridge Evening News. John centre of Cambridge it would take million in 1960, water vole numbers thing of a rare treat for fans of the them sunbathing and floating down Farmer, the prosecutor, said it would ten minutes to find somewhere, and had.1)0-*,+2(*2"!"! plummeted to 2.3 million %!$'"&/354# by 1990 furry creatures. the river on pieces of wood – two of have been “obvious to an idiot” that if you could get a cab it would be and 345,000 by 1998. Current esti- A former research fellow of Jesus the creatures’ favourite pastimes. sex services were being offered to two minutes”.

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Friday January 19 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news Call us now on 01223 353422 NEWS 5 Daniel Bolger found in River Cam »Police dredge river between Magdalene and Jesus Lock in search for missing student Philosophy next year. Professor ALICE WHITWHAM Frank Kelly, Master of Christ’s and Daniel’s supervisor in his first year, At 3.15 pm on Wednesday 6 told Varsity “The College has been December, the body of former shocked by the loss of Daniel. He Cambridge student Daniel Bolger was much loved by his many friends was discovered by rowers at Jesus amongst the mathematicians, the Green Lock on the River Cam. choir, the theatre and throughout Having attended a formal dinner the College.” at Magdalene College, Daniel was UL Librarian Peter Fox added, last seen in the early hours of 26 “Daniel was a popular, well-respect- November. He was missing for 13 ed and valued member of staff and days before the body was found and we were deeply shocked and sad- Spartan Rescue teams dredged the dened to hear of his death. He was river bed between Jesus Green and intelligent, serious, committed, and Magdalene. The search began when made a difference to the atmos- it became apparent that Daniel’s phere of the Manuscripts Room bicycle had been abandoned in when he was in it.” Sidney Street. Daniel was also a member of On Friday 8 December, Daniel’s Christ’s College Choir and partici- parents travelled from their home pated in shows with the Gilbert and Sullivan Society, Clare Actors and the Amateur Dramatic Club. His “the college has dramatic credits include The Winter’s Tale, Travesties and been shocked by Wetmarsh College at the The River Cam being dredged in early December in the search for Daniel’s body CEN Edinburgh Festival Fringe. the loss of Bolger’s final performance was in Princess Ida in Cornwall last Daniel” September. Sarah Knight, a mem- Daniel Bolger: fondly remembered ber of the orchestra, said “Dan was always a joy to watch on stage”. Close friend Helena Culliney “I will always remember my freind Bolger and it will be as he always was: in Newcastle to identify the body. added her praises: “Dan was always one of those extraordinary things that, without too much explanation, just The post-mortem examination there, yes, ready to help, but also make the world a better place” Ed Curry revealed that the cause of death ready to share a joke or give you a was a heart attack caused by hug”. She told Varsity “After the “He was opinianted but gracious, real but inspiringly positive, ever the initia- falling into freezing water. Led by sadness, I always feel uplifted by tor of giggles (with him, not at him!) and gave the most fantastic life-affirm- Detective Inspector Chris Mead, the memory – like there is some- ing hugs.” Belinda Sherlock police investigating Daniel’s disap- thing to celebrate… in a way, Dan is pearance do not regard his death more alive than ever”. “Dan was a great friend to me, extremely warm hearted and supportive. Any as suspicious. Bolger’s funeral took When contacted by Varsity words seem inadequate.” Fiona MacKay place in North Shields on Friday Daniel’s parents declined to com- 15 December and he was buried in ment, but they invite all of his “Dan was one of the most open, affectionate and above all genuine people I Preston Cemetery, Walton friends to his memorial, to be held have ever met”. Dave Walton Avenue. at Christ’s College Chapel on 27 During his time at Christ’s January at 3.00 pm. “Dan brought kindness and loyalty to his relationships with everyone he College, Daniel had worked at the knew... his beautiful personality will be sorely missed in Cambridge and in University Library and was consid- Additional reporting by our lives forever.” Megan Prosser .1)0-*,+2(*2"!"! %!$'"&/354# ering starting a Masters Degree in Jonny Kanagasooriam Daniel Bolger MEGAN PROSSER

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To apply: year) for the full course of their PhDs. apply for sponsorship of the remaining either visit www.oxbridgeessays.com and years of their course. • Earn £100 - £1000+ per piece. complete our online application form on the 2 Full Masters Scholarships • Work year-round or vacations only. ‘Write For Us’ page or from your Cambridge 20 Masters Sponsorships For full details of both schemes and to apply • No obligations whatsoever to undertake University account send us your name, please visit the ‘Write For Us’ page of our work. college, subject, non-university email Oxbridge Essays will award full website at www.oxbridgeessays.com. • Work upon whatever briefs you wish. account, mobile no. and level (PhD etc.,) to scholarships for two students from • Writers of all subjects and levels [email protected]. Cambridge University or Oxford University (Undergraduate, Masters, PhD) needed. as well as up to twenty Masters sponsorships (up to £3000 per person per year) www.oxbridgeessays.com www.oxbridgeessays.com Got a news story? Friday January 19 2007 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news Cross Campus Trident plans spark protest Northumbria A novel New Year’s »Cambridge students arrested for blockading nuclear submarine base diet regime LUCY MCKEON The future is looking decidedly orange for one student, after vowing to eat nothing but carrots for thirty days. Two Cambridge students were Hayley Davison settled on the venture arrested earlier this month for form- after an argument with her house- ing a blockade outside a Scottish mates over “carotenemia”, where skin nuclear base. turns orange. By day 13 she described Liz Dodd and Sam Goff were a “yellow tinge” to her hands. She said detained overnight for breach of the “I hope to turn as orange as David peace and resisting arrest following Dickinson at least; either that or gain a six hour obstruction of the superhuman eyesight.” entrance to the Faslane submarine base on the River Clyde on Sunday 7 January. They were among a total of sixteen students and seventeen aca- Imperial demics arrested that day from uni- versities including Oxford, Sussex A vacation that’s out and Edinburgh. of this world A student at Imperial College London “detained hopes to be the first student space tourist in 2010. Michael Halls-Moore overnight for hopes to improve “public awareness of space exploration in general”, and has breach of the claimed in an interview with The Londonist that he would use the flight peace” Protesters gathering outside the Falsane submarine base on the River Clyde DAN VOCKINS “as a means to promote environmental- ly friendly transport”, by offsetting the Goff, a linguist from Robinson government and were “not in a posi- carbon dioxide released by the flight. College, recounted the day of the tion to comment as to whether they He hopes to finance the project by sell- The students had congregated at protest. “The MoD Special Cutting agree or disagree” with the arrests. ing stars over the internet. Faslane in response to Tony Blair’s Police were called to saw through the The protest was organised by an plans to upgrade Britain’s nuclear chains and drainpipes we had used to Oxford activist group in conjunction weapons arsenal. Dodd described the lock ourselves to each other. Then we with Faslane 365, an organisation that protest itself as a “great show of soli- went limp whilst being arrested, has been attempting to stage a year- Aberdeen darity” in which a series of academics therefore requiring 4 policemen per £20bn long continuous blockade at the gave an open-air seminar on the road protester to carry us to the waiting nuclear base since October 2006. Scots students have entitled “Academia vs. Weapons of police vans.” cost of renewing It lasted for approximately 365 consciences examined Mass Destruction”. Goff spent 13 hours in a police cell minutes, according to Dodd, a “big On the day of the demonstration in Baird St, “apparently the “knife Trident weapons achievement” for the organisation. Students at Robert Gordon University students attached themselves to death capital of Europe””. He told “There’s something incredibly ironic (RGU) were distressed to discover fences and gates with a series of pad- Varsity that “I’ve had more comfort- system about being arrested for breach of that answers had been inadvertently locks and chains. The Strathclyde able nights, but it’s a small price to the peace for blockading a nuclear attached to the paper for their busi- police force had underestimated the pay for such an important cause”. He Clyde Naval Base was unmoved: base”, she added. “It’s costing the ness examination. The students alert- turnout of protestors and it was not and Liz are still waiting to hear from “they were exercising a democratic government billions to renew edVarsity invigilators Ad 9/1/07 to the 21:34 error Page and 1 the until the fifth hour of the demonstra- the Procurator Fiscal in Glasgow to right - we have no problem with that”. Trident, which would give them exam has been rescheduled. tion that enough officers were find out whether the charges have A spokesperson explained that they enough nuclear power to destroy the mobilised to begin making arrests. been dropped. were just doing their job for the earth four times”. Christmas with Squirt 2006, Cornwall College student Paul intelligent member of the cephalo- LOU MALLAM Martin created the innovative pod family, an assertion likely to “Octobox”, a perspex safe house disappoint Common Atlantic Shunning the tacky crackers and filled with the ever-favoured Octopus enthusiasts. The Giant Lent 2007 Cambridge’s Science Magazine sodden sprouts, a Cambridge stu- prawns. Undeterred, the massive Pacific’s inquisitive nature has led dent opted for a Christmas sub- mollusc swiftly mastered both the to a number of high-profile break- merged with Squirt, a three metre screw and latch mechanisms and outs and on occasion octopi have wide Giant Pacific Octopus. gobbled down the crustaceous feast been found mercilessly pillaging Danni Assemakis wants to discov- within. His multiple limbs should neighbouring fish displays. OUT NOW er whether octopi learn by touch or come in handy for his next task, Waines said he was aware that FREE from your porters’ lodge or department sight as part of her Marine Biology attempting to understand a basic Australian octopi had behaved in and Animal Behaviour degree at lock and key system, an undertaking this way and cited one persistent Anglia Ruskin University. Squirt which Blue Reef manager David offender who legged it before baf- was first confronted with a smooth Waines warned may require “just a fling aquarium employees by swiftly black ball and rewarded with a suc- little more time”. returning to his tank early in the culent prawn whenever he placed These extraordinary feats can morning. Fortunately for nearby the ball near his mouth. He took the only support scientists insisting cuttlefish, there should be no such black ball challenge every hour, on that the Giant Pacific is the most skulduggery going on in Newquay. the hour, for four days before a tex- tured white ball was called in and no further prawns were proffered. His final stark choice was between black and white disks along with smooth and textured transparent balls. Assemakis reckoned that “Squirt has learnt through both sensory and www.bluesci.org visual pathways” but may have to persist in her sub-aquatic endeav- Read online ours as “it will take a while longer to News Service draw final conclusions”. She told Varsity she found it interesting that In this issue: “he often spent up to three times • The Future of Neuropsychiatry • Darwinian Chemistry • longer handling the smooth objects so it is possible that a sense of touch • Biological Warfare • Poincaré Conjecture • is predominant”. • Science Documentaries • Pharmaceuticals • Human Uniqueness • Squirt’s manifold talents do not • The Whipple Museum • RNAi • Stock Markets • end here, it seems. In the summer of Squirt, the talented Giant Pacific Octopus BLUE REEF

Friday January 19 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news [email protected] NEWS 7 King’s fortunes wax and wane »Candlesticks sold off last year by King’s College to be re-auctioned at five times original price

believes that this sale was “kept delib- was not the College’s responsibility. JO TRIGG erately secret”, and expressed his But Robert Bleasdale, the concern in an email to Acting Provost Bonhams specialist responsible for A pair of “monumental and magnifi- of King’s Tess Adkins. He told Varsity the candle standards, was adamant cent” brass candle standards from that he “received no reply” from the that “At no time were we contacted King’s College chapel are being sold “smug and arrogant” college. by King’s and advised by them as to at London auctioneers Bonhams this But King’s have strongly denied the origins of the candle standards”. month with a price estimate of withholding any information. A He told Varsity “I can categorically between £40,000 and £50,000; more spokesperson claimed that there was state that the only contact between than four times the amount King’s “no secrecy about it” adding that the ourselves and King’s was a courtesy received for them when they were College “would have had to describe telephone call from me to the originally sold in 2005. their provenance, because of the Provost’s office… our information In Autumn 2005 the 10ft high can- chance that they could be stolen”. But regarding the design source was dlesticks were sold at Stamp believes that withholding already in the public arena and no Cambridgeshire auction house information about the candlesticks information concerning the manufac- Willingham Auctions, but their prove- resulted in them selling for “peanuts” ture, provenance or any other related nance was not revealed in the sale cat- and that “Bonhams have a much bet- matter was given to me by King’s.” alogue. Neither King’s nor the design- ter idea of their worth”. Bleasdale agreed with Stamp er Gilbert Scott were mentioned. A The 303cm-high candlesticks were about the suspicious nature of the spokesperson for Willingham commissioned for the Chapel in 1870, sale in 2005. He argued that “it seems Auctions said that “the vendor and designed in the early strange that Kings did not reveal this wished to remain anonymous”. Renaissance style by architect information if they were indeed Gavin Stamp, architectural histori- George Gilbert Scott the Younger. aware of, or wished to achieve, the an and author of King’s College The cylindrical tapers bear the col- maximum price for them”. King’s Chapel: Architectural History, lege crest, which was granted by claims that £9,000 was the correct Henry VIII, in silver and enamel, value, based on “two or three esti- S

M and support six candle sconces. mates”, but when Bonhams found the King’s Chapel, former home of the brass candlesticks DEBBIE SCANLAN A

H They will be sold at Bonhams as original design source at the Royal N O

B part of “The Gentleman’s Library” Institute of British Architects and King’s’ behaviour, which is as stupid Rubens’ Adoration of the Magi. The sale on January 29, and are described confirmed that they were designed as it is shabby”. While Adkins candle standards had to be moved in a press release as the sale’s “high- by Gilbert Scott Junior, they informed him that the candlesticks into storage, where they remained light”. But King’s has told Varsity increased the guide price from had been sold because they were “sur- until the sale. But Stamp argued that that the greater valuation given by £30,000-£40,000 to £40,000-£50,000. plus to the College’s needs”, Stamp the transformation “by that old buf- Bonhams is the result of their design Bleasdale was surprised by King’s dismissed this as “no explanation” and foon and vandal Sir Martyn Beckett” being wrongly attributed to the decision to sell artefacts of such claimed that “the College is, as it was “an aesthetic disaster”. He con- famous Gothic architect E. W. Pugin. provenance, asking why the college were, “in denial” about the great cluded that the candlesticks had to A college spokesperson explained would agree to a sale “if Kings were crime committed in the 1960s”. be removed because “they would that they had contacted the auction- aware the standards were by George The “crime” to which Stamp refers have shown up the mediocrity of eers to correct this but said that Gilbert Scott junior and specifically is the reconfiguration of the East Beckett's work”, and attributed the “Bonhams changed the description designed for the chapel”. End of the Chapel in the 1960s by Sir subsequent actions of King’s to the f- but not the price”. When asked Stamp was similarly concerned. He Martyn Beckett, which involved act that “the College is ashamed of whether they had contacted the auc- told Varsity, “everyone who has removing panelling and raising the its behaviour”. “What a dreadful col- King’s crest on the candlestick tioneers again, he claimed that this heard about this expresses disgust at floor to make space for Peter Paul lege King's remains”, he added. Botanic Garden: the burning bush Carbon Monoxide Scare ers were isolated for five days. The University Botanic Garden NIKKI BURTON Bursar Neil Taylor told Varsity that will be setting fire to part of a the occupants were “kept informed… new display to demonstrate the Two carbon monoxide leaks at and given progress reports”. He added importance of bushfires in for- Hughes Hall left 80 students without that residents had access to hot water eign climes. The exhibit, entitled hot water for five days. in nearby accommodation blocks, “Continents Apart”, is now open The alarm was raised on October 26 admitting that as this “would cause to the public. It showcases the when a fourth year medic’s wife, living inconvenience” £20 compensation was diverse wild floras of Australia in Fenner’s Building, complained of given to each student. and South Africa, many of which feeling unwell and was referred to A disgruntled postgraduate said the are threatened with extinction. Addenbrookes Hospital by her doctor approach of senior staff was “not good Rob Brett, glasshouse supervi- with suspected carbon monoxide (CO) enough; they could not be bothered to sor at the garden, explained that in the bloodstream. A test confirmed deal with the students affected, so they “the displays are lit with a blow this but the woman was not admitted. shunned responsibility by leaving com- torch periodically” because cer- An immediate investigation of the munication to office juniors.” He com- tain flowering plants rely on the boiler room was carried out by the plained that the problem was not fixed heat of fire to crack open seed College Maintenance team, and two immediately: “The college’s solution pods. This method of dispersion nearby apartments were evacuated. was to install detectors, rather than fix also ensures a nutritious bed of Blaming a faulty valve inside the the problem”. ash for seedlings to develop in. boiler, the college requested the But Taylor reported much positive Garden Superintendent, Tim installation of CO detectors in the feedback. One student purportedly Upson describes the aim of the evacuated areas. contacted him saying “Thank-you for project on the Botanic Garden Three weeks later an alarm was trig- sorting this out as swiftly as possible website as “to explore how the gered when increased levels of CO and for keeping us all up-to-date with dynamic interactions of climate were detected in the Boiler Room progress.” No CO emissions have since change, geology and living things, again. No one was affected but the boil- been detected. over the course of millions of years, have resulted in some of the most diverse and exciting plant communities on earth.” The exhibit promises to trans- port the visitor to the Cape of South Africa or the Australian outback; eucalyptus plants infuse aromatic What’s your New Year’s Resolution, then? essential oils into the atmosphere, and warm-coloured stones emulate a) Save the water vole. the “sun-baked landscapes” to which the featured flora are native. b) Appear on Celebrity Big Brother. Live web cam footage of the “Continents Apart” display can be c) Take up hangliding. viewed at www.botanic.cam.ac.uk. Parisa Razaz d) Become President of Harvard.

CAMBRIDGE PRESS OFFICE Vote online at varsity.co.uk Got a news story? Friday January 19 2007 8 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news Oxbridge Essays offers support for struggling students »New scholarship scheme for Happy New Year! And once again we come to that hallowed time when a list postgrads rubbished by University of the most influential 100 people in World History (surely “contemporary Oxford University expressed sim- Cambridge student theatre/journal- TOM WOOLFORD ilar concerns and added that Oxford ism”? Ed.) is published for our diges- students “must not use the tion. 'Tis a pity then, that moral purity Oxbridge Essays has this week University’s IT systems or network and sound judgement are no longer a launched a scheme for potential for activities involving private profit prerequisite for inclusion in the 100, post-graduate students, in which or commercial purposes.” for as many of you will know, it they receive a contribution towards In contrast, some Oxbridge stu- includes one individual whose notoriety their course fees in return for com- dents have welcomed the scheme as stems from the fact that he banged a pleting essays for the firm. Starting a new way of financing courses. Edel real-life doctor in a central Cambridge next year there will be three schol- Byrne, a former graduate student of practice, while exhibiting a skin com- arships, worth up to £5000 and about Cambridge, admitted when applying plexion that reminds one of a jaundice- forty sponsorships of £2000 available for her course that she was “worried plus-iron-tablets patient, rather than a to the most able Oxbridge students about the cost of postgrad study”, real life human being. Still, at least he applying for post-graduate study. and described the scheme as an has “easy access” to prescriptions now But both Oxford and Cambridge “interesting project and perfectly in order to get that tropical disease sort- University have condemned the manageable”. Other students cur- ed once and for all. company and its new scheme. A rently looking in to post-graduate On a shadier note, which pie-finger- courses have expressed interest. ing meteor (also in the 100) has been Jack Gillett, an undergraduate the subject of a police investigation “both Oxford applying for a PhD, said: The Oxbridge Essays recruitment team at work JOE GOSDEN over the Yuletide period? Our hard-up “Dependent on details it sounds like acquaintance decided to earn himself a and Cambridge a tempting offer; a day or so of work ment and private funding - especial- loads and writing essays for other little money by donning a Santa Claus for full funding, against a grand a ly in the humanities”. But, even the people would inevitably put their outfit and roaming the high streets of have condemned year for supervisions.” maximum financial support offered own progress at risk.” London offering children pound-shop Students who receive the finan- by the scheme is not a sufficient But Foster insists that sponsored goods while emotionally blackmailing the company and cial support will be contracted to replacement for government or pri- students “can comfortably study and their parents to give him a fiver. His complete a set amount of work as vate funding. work casually [for Oxbridge Essays] threats of “Pay up or I'll take the beard its new scheme” repayment. For a standard 2000- The typical Masters student at one or two days a week”. off and show them this bastard ain’t word essay, completed in six days to Cambridge must show evidence that It is unclear how the contracts real” did not work well among the self- a 2:1 standard, Oxbridge Essays they can raise £13,500 for fees and offered to postgraduates through possessed inhabitants of Crouch End, pays its contractors £95, so a £2000 living expenses. Without full gov- this scheme will stand within however, who promptly had the spokesperson at Cambridge said: sponsorship would involve writing ernment funding, neither the £2,000 University regulations. Full-time cozzers arrest him round the back of “We would strongly disapprove of the equivalent of over 18 standard sponsorships nor scholarship, which postgraduates studying at The Harringay Arms. Perhaps a trip students writing essays for other Cambridge undergraduate supervi- fully covers fees, would meet Cambridge are in some colleges to Chelmsford might have been in people. Not only is it cheating, or sion essays. University requirements. prohibited from taking on paid order, whose inhabitants I am told, complicit with cheating, but it goes If the scheme is successful, its Cambridge University has criti- work, with the exception of supervi- have far less self respect, and would against the entire purpose of a uni- director John Foster thinks it could cised the new scheme for the extra sions arranged by the University, probably have given him a free shag versity education, which is to devel- become “a major pool of funding that strain it will put on postgraduate and the work required by Oxbridge (surely, “free spray-on tanning ses- op one’s own ideas and skills, not buy Oxbridge students might in future students. “Cambridge students, in Essays could be considered a sion”? Ed.) instead. them in from elsewhere.” turn to in the face of sparse govern- any case, have very heavy work- breach of these rules. Jesus student dies in hospital

national level in debating while at the took place on 1 December in Jesus LIZZIE MITCHELL same time flourishing as an SPS stu- College Chapel. dent at Jesus College. In order to raise money for cystic Louise Wallace, a student at Jesus Louise’s father, Iain Wallace, fibrosis research and patient care, College, died on 23 November follow- described his daughter as “a born James and Louise’s mother Gillian will ing her transferal from Addenbrooke’s fighter who would never let her condi- be walking the 100-mile West Hospital to the heart and lung trans- tion come before a good argument or a Highland Way. For those who wish to plant unit at Papworth Hospital. feisty tennis match”. pledge money in support of this aim, Louise was first admitted to A funeral was held in Perth on 30 James can be contacted at Addenbrooke’s with a kidney com- November and a memorial service [email protected]. plaint. It was at Papworth that her cystic fibrosis condition deteriorated. Iain and Gillian Wallace, Louise’s parents, were with her when she died, as were her brother Craig and long- term boyfriend James Waters. James, another student at Jesus, described her as “an amazing, beauti- ful and radiant young woman” with a determination to defend the vulnera- ble and unwavering bravery in the face of her illness. “Louise was always aware that she had been born with a disease for which there was no cure and which she could not outlive, a disease which at once helped shape who she was and yet had nothing to do with the true Louise at all,” James said. A close friend described Louise as an “inspiration” who “put us all to shame with your strength, your deter- mination, and your relentlessly posi- tive attitude”. Despite her condition, Louise gained international sporting recogni- tion at rounders, captained her school 1st XII netball and competed at a Louise at the Varsity Hockey Ball JAMES WATERS

Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/letters [email protected] EDITORIAL & LETTERS 9 [email protected]

and always friends. The difference reflect on what compassion is and how LETTER OF THE WEEK between this and the ‘protest’ regis- people deserve to be treated. tered by those who have “tampered” Dear Sir, with condoms is infinite. Maybe Matthew 14:14 would help. Colleges, Tradition and Pride

I have some genuine sympathy for It is positively sinister and obscene to “And Jesus went forth, and saw a The change that comes over college authorities, when placed under the media Madeleine Teahan and her society’s carry out such an act in the full knowl- great multitude, and was moved with spotlight, can often be quite remarkable. This week, Trinity Hall Senior Tutor members. Condoms raining from the edge of the physical and psychological compassion towards them, and he Nick Bampos was more than willing to talk to Varsity about Dr. Hutchinson sky and wall-to-wall posters on safe harm that might be done to another healed their sick.” being cleared and how the college dealt with the issue. Yet before the verdict sex can be bewildering, annoying, or person. In the worst case it is morally the college’s dealings with the press could have been described as distinctly even offensive. tantamount to homicide. That is no David Morgan “prickly” – perhaps not surprising considering the “Dirty Don” headlines print- exaggeration or melodrama given the Fitzwilliam College ed in the Cambridge Evening News – demonstrating the typical defensive Yet in a compassionate, tolerant, and (ultimately terminal) effect of AIDS. response of any college involved in a newsworthy “incident”. liberal society we have to take a The unwillingness of colleges to release information is a difficulty often faced little offence and put up with those who Indeed it is not even necessary to com- Tell Varsity what’s on your by Cambridge student journalism. When an incident happens within a college, offend us. I’ve only ever vandalised one mit such an act to spread panic. One mind - each week, the best be it involving a student, member of staff or alumni, the authorities invariably letter will win a specially CICCU poster. Many more times I’ve need only start a rumour. This may not selected bottle of wine from seek to hush the matter up. Unfortunately the same is often the case when it been in conversations with people who threaten life but it will cause deep emo- our friends at Cambridge√ comes to informing students at the college of the incident. Just recently, when all found each others’ views ananathe- tional harm to fellow students. Those Wine Merchants, King’s Girton student Ivan Manzour was imprisoned, there was national press cover- ma. Yet we remained mostly civilised, who are considering such an act should Parade age of the conviction before Senior Tutor Andrew Martin informed the student body of the situation. Dear Varsity, Year's Resolutions, I have decided to student politics, scientific discovery One of the most pertinent examples of a college shutting down in this way give up on Facebook. No longer shall and college sports has been lost. In its must be the response of St Edmund’s to an alleged sexual assault that happened Having been featured in a recent arti- my days be dedicated to the narcissis- place all this is offered seems to be an there in November. There had been no mention of an assault on a member of cle, in your latest edition, regarding tic perusal of the profiles of others in a irrelevant mix of opinion and specual- staff, carried out by a student with a history of violence, in any collegiate or uni- the piercing of condoms I would like to desperate bid to prove to myself that tion concerning awful thesps and man- versity press release and St Edmund’s students had neither been informed of clarify some vital points. not only do I have better hair, but I ically depressed skinny-jeaned indy the incident nor the assailant’s subsequent disciplining. The first Varsity knew have more friends, more wall posts kids. I call for this to stop! “No more!” about the assault was when the News Desk received an anonymous phone call I do not support the piercing of con- and have been poked more frequently you hear the Chemist cry! late one Thursday evening. When attempts were made to investigate the mat- doms in any way and neither does the than a whore in a Thai brothel. ter, reporters were passed from department to department and it proved Cambridge Pro-Life Society of which Unless a substantial change occurs in extremely difficult to gain confirmation of even the most basic facts. I am President. When referring to From now on, my life will be a the content of your newspaper, a Pride often appears to dictate a policy of keeping anything potentially detri- people who oppose contraception I Facebook free zone. I don't care that newspaper that I had previously mental to a college’s reputation firmly under wraps. Even a simple story, mentioned some may be pro-life in Suzie is eating a sandwich, I don't grown to love, then I may be forced to involving students being disciplined for drunken misdemeanors, can send a explaining their opposition to contra- know if Lucy has added more photos start reading TCS; please do not do college into shut down. Senior Tutors refuse to comment, Deans suddenly stop ception and its distribution. Meaning of her vomiting after formal, I am now this to me. answering their phones and Head Porters just disappear. It is as if the college, some, and I emphasise ‘some’ pro-lif- spending my time pursuing other shamed that the incident could happen, seeks to reassure itself that if it bat- ers are anti-contraception because interests. I have decided to embrace Maurice Haberdasher tens down the hatches the media attention will eventually fade. Such was the they are against promiscuity not the ideas of Tess Riley and become an Chemistry Department case when a Jesus second year assaulted a fellow student after an Ent last because they encourage unprotected Ethics Girl. I shall devote my time to term. The oft-quoted phrase “the matter is being dealt with internally” has sex. This does not follow therefore, as saving the world. I might, however, Dear Sir, worrying implications, especially in the light of the archaic collegiate discipli- implied in Hoggart’s article that it is just have a quick check to see if Tom is nary system that Varsity uncovered in Issue 641. If Cambridgeshire Police common place for members of our still single first, and to see how many I failed to appreciate the distinction can divulge almost full details of a case’s incident log over the phone quite hap- society to pierce or condone piercing more posts Rob has... drawn by Mike Kielty (Varsity, 648) pily, it seems utterly bizarre that colleges regularly refuse to even acknowl- condoms, and this is a totally unfair between the cultures of America vs. edge whether a case took place. and inaccurate representation of the Jemima Stoke that of the rest of the world. British The close proximity of living quarters, omnipresent traditions and a bizarre society and myself. Emmanuel College students wearing Indian saris over lack of contact with the outside world can mean that sometimes colleges appear US denim seems to reflect not the more akin to mediaeval villages than they do modern day educational institu- I ask that this point can be made clear Dear Sir, decline and fall of empires, but rather tions. In many ways this insularity can be beneficial. It creates a sense of com- in your next edition of Varsity as infer- the rise and rise of a limp and affected munity and fosters close relationships. That students were prepared to fly back ence from the article by Miss Hoggart I have been an avid reader of Varsity internationalism. New World Orders from year-out placements to represent a supervisor in court stands testament was a detrimental for many years; throughout my under- are built of more substantial stuff than to the close bonds that are developed. Some of the allure of a Cambridge edu- misrepresentation of what the Pro- graduate career and during the first a fashionista whim, and it is not the cation undoubtedly comes from the traditions and alleged mysterious goings- Life Society stands for. two of my Chemistry PhD. During iPod that we should seek to avoid, nor on in the city’s secluded cloisters or twisting corridors. When it is a matter of this time I have observed the interest- the hijab or the sari; I'd rather that whether a fresher once “pennied” Stephen Hawking or if Trinity actually pay Madeleine Teahan ing variation in the proportion of the "troublesome question" of national Downing not to finish building their quad, then its effect is acceptable and even Corpus Christi College News and Sport content in relation to identity remains troublesome, and not somewhat charming. It is unfortunate that the attitude so often infects the way that devoted to Arts and Features. reduced to a meaningless, broad- in which colleges often deal with disciplinary matters, the media and the wider Dear Sir, brush dichotomy. world in general. I have watched with despair as page Mark Proctor As the time comes around for New after page that could be devoted to Selwyn College

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Write for this section: Friday January 19 2007 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment Times they aren’t a-changing The eight week slog that’s impossible to give up...

whether the Cambridge system itself can only operate at the level The Idler returns, engorged with it does because everyone knows Christmas plenty and flatulent with that they only have to hold them- the gases of decaying goodwill. selves upright for eight weeks. Over the festive season I have, par- Yet, despite the unreal element adoxically, idled myself to excess, to the Cambridge system, the sitting in front of the television and completely fictitious parcelling of enjoying the free flow of food. NATALIE WOOLMAN time and effort, Cambridge stu- Eventually, like the Christmas day dents claim to have their sights leftovers that are still in the fridge a y best friend from firmly fixed upon the “real world”. week later, the rich and delicious school has just Clubs and societies are run with has festered into the disgusting. My embarked on professional standards in mind: digestive tract is still attempting to another 16-week the ADC, sports teams, orches- cope with a backlog of sprouts as I term at tras, the very paper I am writing roll around helpless, like a plump University. And in, aspire to be not far from the infant, unable to move. Mshe’s a medic. That’s 16 weeks of “real” versions out there in the Admittedly this is an exaggeration, 9am lectures, ward rounds, caf- big, bad world. They often succeed but the difficult return to Cambridge, feine-induced shakes and dealing in being just as stressful. You the long nights and the after effects with her own laundry bag. It’s often hear of people with a 40- of Christmas have ended my ambiva- enough to make an eight-weeks-a- hour a week “job” on top of their lent mood. Idling is no passive occu- term-but-you-don’t-understand- degree. Extra-curricular activities pation, it’s an active campaign to pro- it’s-still-bloody-stressful-thank- here are a kind of internship; you English student like myself training and experience that will feel like something of a part-timer. hopefully earn the perfect career These oddballs The horrifying reality is that at the end of it all. someday, in the not too distant Cambridge itself instils a sense have made me future, I will be presented with of confidence, a whisper of only 28 days of annual leave. What the end of it all? Indeed, these doesn’t split into two halves: six “Somehow you will get it done” fear the route is 28 days when you spread it over eight-week “terms” almost seem months “work” and six months floats from the backs, and with the course of 12 months? Certainly emblematic of how far removed “holiday”. The very notion that we more all-nighters than I would of academia not enough time to see half of our backwater is from reality. Life can compartmentalise both time care to remember behind me, Eastern Europe, prance around and effort into those strict bound- often you do. So, maybe these tect our way of life from the agents of Edinburgh during the Fringe and aries seems nothing short of blasts of pressure are training us busy-ness. I see them hurrying in the make several trips to crash on the ‘For eight weeks ridiculous. Whilst the half-year in “time management”, or whatev- streets, thinking in the libraries and floors of various friends up and break evokes a sense of symmetry er these lifelong learning courses despair of the current quality of stu- down the country. I have grown so we drive in the aesthetic mind (my own), in are calling organisation these dent living. “I must apply to an accustomed to month-long wedges reality the eight-week nuggets fail days. Maybe we are taking baby, Investment Bank” I catch myself of freedom that the very idea of a ourselves into to promote the balance they sug- eight-week-term-size steps thinking in a weak moment. stolen but idyllic weekend in the gest. The Cambridge bubble is towards the high-pressure jobs we This new wave of feeling puts me Lake District inspires nothing but the ground defined by its very ignorance of dream about. But surely the total in mind of the great Paxman, once an hoarse laughter. balance. We all know those mad lull of six months every year can- editor of this very publication, who At Cambridge, we do every- before we drag jugglers, who deftly throw a not be aiding our Cantab training. after many years of enjoying a thing to excess: work to excess, Yeats’ essay to a supervisor before It encourages us to adopt a belief happy, sheltered, existence, woke up play to excess, drink to excess. our tired flu-ey re-kindling a relationship with of not “all or nothing” but “all to the realisation that just about For eight weeks we drive our- bodies back to their trusty hermes account to then nothing”. everyone in Cambridge was a twat. I selves into the ground before we organise a political speaker and an In this respect, maybe I should believe I have woken to the same drag our decimated, flu-ey bodies Mum’s cooking organ recital, all before hitting the be envying those endless 16-week unhappy realisation. Yet, unlike back to Mum’s cooking and pub before closing time. terms; they will probably prepare Paxman, who has launched a career thoughts of a mindless 9 till 5 for and a mindless 9 But, are these sickening individ- my friend for the rest of her life out of making contrary fellows feel the next month. But, surely we uals relying on the brevity of an better than these two-month work uncomfortable, I do not yet feel pow- have to question in this split exis- to 5’ eight-week term rather than and drinkathons. But if it means erful enough to serve the proper tence whether Cambridge terms boundless enthusiasm to get them swapping my five weeks at Easter admonishment to those who deserve are setting us all up for a fall at through? Indeed, I wonder for her two? Never. it. If anyone feels like doing so, I’m happy to hand over a list of names. This week Academics are bother- ing me. Some are nice, and clearly watch TV, eat crisps and get laid. Hidden meanings, disguised reality Yet, others can only be described as socially maladjusted. My encoun- ters with these oddballs have made electric chair. We avoid the words inals aren’t killed for their benefit; tion. Yet, in doing so, they do not me fear the route of academia. I killing and slaughtering, though they’re killed for ours, so that when cancel out the essential severity of have seen the consequences of book they describe the act more precisely. we review their life we find the end- the act they perform. The “humane” learning; they aren’t pretty. There The word has connotations we pre- ing appropriate. But whilst one measures they employ would not is a balance to be struck between fer not to associate with these story may end in justice, the other have been out of place at Auschwitz. work and play. Unfortunately, deaths; because the word risks stir- no less relevant ‘stories’ which com- Rudolf Hoess, the camp comman- many Cantabs have let this balance ring unwanted emotions. dant, wrote of Zyklon B: “I was become unnaturally skewed. Fear In Saddam’s case, ‘slaughtering’ is relieved to think that … the victims of failure and the desperate, cloying JONATHAN BIRCH not far off the truth. Elsewhere it ‘Justice is would be spared suffering until their desire for self-advancement are the describes the efficient, lawful, last moment came.” Yet Nazi vic- factors that drive them. Leave this behind-closed-doors killing of ani- nothing if not a tims were degraded, humiliated and mix of humours to settle too long, he news tells us that mals; to apply it to this similar event terrified. Executions, like their asso- and one day you’ll find that you’re Saddam Hussein was would not demand a redraft of the moral ending to ciated language, give a charade of 40-years-old, with scraggy hair, and executed, not slaugh- dictionary. The problem is that we humanity for the benefit of witness- an engorged sense of your own self- tered, just as, during would rather avoid using a term a life story’ es, but, at the centre of the display, importance. the first Gulf War, we which reduces humans to the equiv- people are treated like animals. Yes, I generalise I know, and this were told (in that pas- alent of animals. We think that by Saddam Hussein played along vision is the more the product of my sive,T media-trained voice) that there banning this linguistically we ban it pose a life end with a sudden injus- well with the show. Because he own fears of what I might become “has been collateral damage.” Just from happening. The ‘Newspeak’ of tice. Relationships, personal jour- refused to panic, and refused to than anything else. But there are as, during the current war, we are killing hides a harsher truth. neys: everything that carries on wear a hood, the event seemed fit- some times, when a little snotty- told that there “have been civilian But isn’t an execution, unlike a during a prison sentence, end too. ting enough to inspire Fox News to nosed guy at the front of the lecture casualties”. It seems like an odd sit- slaughter, just? The truth is in the Real lives don’t follow the neat plot- put up huge “before and after” pic- hall is clearly getting a sad little kick uation to be in, choosing words not dates: Saddam Hussein (1937-2006). line of a fable. Yet legal systems tures on its website. Saddam played out of the small amount of power according to their meaning but for Scheduled before the New Year for across the world apply the logic of the self-righteous tyrant to the end; he’s invested with, that I point the their lack of connotations. What are the benefit of Iraq’s beleaguered Aesop. Why? For the show, for the but it was the audience who gave finger of blame at the bullies for we so afraid of? Prime Minister, his death seemed news event: and the language the game away. By taunting and neglecting their duties of social nor- Execution. Death penalty. Capital more like a news event than justice. reflects this. jeering, they reminded us of what malisation and allowing him to pass punishment. Every phrase we have To see any execution as ‘just’ True modern executioners are we should have remembered. through life without being ham- for the act is a euphemism. requires blinkered logic. Justice is clinical: they perform the deed away Executions are squalid, degrading mered into a less appalling person. Sometimes we give a term for the nothing if not a moral ending to a from the public; they, for example, and unjust. We better change the method used: hanging, beheading, life story. According to justice, crim- give a sedative before a lethal injec- headlines: Saddam Hussein was

Features

&ArtsFriday January 19th 2007 | Issue 649

...and other resolutions Features Arts Spotlight Reviews » The Fabian » The Varsity » Sam Leon » First glance Society team pick their introduces us as ETG’s conference top cultural to the secret Macbeth unpicked events for world of dub- returns to 2007 step Cambridge P 15 P 16-17 P 19 P 20-21

Features editor: Natalie Woolman Friday January 19 2007 12 FEATURES Email: [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features Shattered Resolve s e r u t a E K A R D

M I T

Y B

N O I T A R e T S U L L I With January 1st a fading memory, Varsity asks

F how those New Year’s Resolutions are holding up

Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] FEATURES 13

After a virtuous Hogmanay, Mary Bowers ponders Apathy the inevitable failure of post-festive reinvention Lad

Giving up on giving up n New Year’s Eve, in a small less, inevitably fruitless and part of the sets and making sticky progress WKD-soaked dive in the detritus of our perfection-obsessed cul- through the mandatory tin of Quality West Country, I was quietly ture. I put drawing pins through pic- Streets? Fitness Instructor Chris of the It's that time of year again. The hangover sitting in the corner while tures of “Dr” Gillian McKeith, refused Riverside Health and Fitness Centre from weeks of gluttonous over-indulgence my fellow revellers slurped to watch Lorraine and allowed myself on Mill Lane mourned, “you get about and alcohol abuse. An entire nation up,O between the four of them, twelve to skip the gym for the rest of the year. twice as the amount signing up in wakes up on the first day of the year with pints of Best, four Southern Comforts After all, if I can’t be a healthier, better January as any other time. Obviously a subwoofer pounding in their heads. and lemonade, three rum and cokes and person, I might as well be fat and evil. that then tails off in February… it’s Unsurprisingly, this produces a senti- – I’m guessing by the sneaky looks on Psychologist Kendra Van Wagner that lack of motivation I’m afraid”. ment I am somewhat familiar with: “I their faces as I headed back from the toi- warns, “change is rarely easy and often Can he please give us a motivational never want to drink again”. Yet, this orig- requires a gradual progression of small tip? “It’s will-power really”. Oh. inal thought spawns others: “I’m going to ‘I sat on a sticky seat steps towards a larger goal”, but us Alan Marlatt, Director of the the gym every day from now on”, or “I’m perfectionists seeking instant gratifica- University of Washington Addictive going to stop eating chocolate”. To all the and watched two girls tion need revelation, and we need it Behaviour Centre, who has been study- fat people out there: if you feel like you now. Indeed, if we don’t like our cur- ing New Year’s Resolutions for twenty are overweight and you are not happy with straws peeking rent selves, we can go to secondlife.com years or more, concludes his research about it, go to the gym and stop eating out of their Smirnoff where around 2.5 million people have by suggesting that resolutions are such rubbish food! To all you smokers: if already created their own virtual alter bound to fail if a) they are made at the you don't like the fact that your lungs are ices, snorting in egos. (Mine is a teetotaller. And has last minute, therefore b) resolutions coated in tar and your mouth tastes like skinny thighs). are made based on what is bothering an ash tray, give up smoking. derision as I noticed The phenomenon of keeping our New us at the time, and c) resolutions are Why wait until the depths of winter to one’s skirt tucked into Year’s Resolutions is vastly less com- based on absolutes, such as “I will make such a resolution, when you barely mon than breaking them. Shop assis- never do X again”. Resolutions, it see the light of day, holidays are a distant her knickers’ tant Sophie, who works at Thornton’s seems, with a bit of room around the dream and the Christmas credit card bill in the Grafton Centre, laughs, “you do waistband are the only ones that seem is rearing its ugly head? Seize the lets – several rounds of sambuca shots. hear people when they’re passing or to work. moment! Do something wild on a beauti- I, meanwhile, having resolved not to browsing, saying ‘oh, I can’t, the ful summers day: turn off the TV, throw drink a drop of intoxicating substance diet…’.” One would wonder why they ‘New Year’s away your bulk-purchase packets of before the stroke of midnight, was were browsing in the first place. “Sales Lambert & Butler and get on your bike. merrily viewing the proceedings from go up in February due to Valentine’s Resolutions are made The British winter isn't the only reason my smug corner of sobriety. I sat on a day”. They do not go down again. New Year's Resolutions fail; their very sticky seat and watched two girls with Perhaps love does conquer all, includ- precisely in order that design means sticking to them is impossi- straws peeking out of their Smirnoff ing our well-primed resolve. Since this we can overindulge ble. We know next year we will make ices, snorting in happy derision as I very week holds the highest annual another New Year's Resolution, so our noticed one’s skirt tucked into her rate of couples filing for divorce, it without guilt’ knickers. Happy in my non-alcoholic seems that New Year’s Resolutions and world, I saw in New Year and actually romantic love are highly incompatible So, the answer is not to dispose of ‘Do something wild on managed to remember all the words to from more than one angle. and deride New Year’s Resolutions, to “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, played, According to pop psychology, New live as a virtual hottie or even to a beautiful summers bizarrely, just before the clock struck Year’s Resolutions are made precisely become the pub Puritan. It is not to day: midnight and the bagpiper (of course! in order that we can overindulge with- obsess: take it a little at a time, don’t How Cornish!) began his laboured out guilt, stuffing our faces and lying take them too seriously and don’t ago- turn off the TV, throw pomp. Oh I was merry, I was happy, I back in the knowledge that at some nise with guilt when you stumble and away your bulk- was smug and conceited, I was… unfixed time in the blurry future we fall. Perhaps at the end of the day our sober! My life was changed and I was will make up for it all. But how are we New Year’s Resolutions are like purchase packets of reformed! to become the lean, toned running naughty toddlers: the less attention Reformed, that is, until week zero in machines we all promised ourselves we you pay them, the better you tend to Lambert & Butler and our little university town, when my fair would be during the hours of lying on get on. It might be quite fun to watch get on your bike’ room mate decided to invite me to the the sofa, watching our new 24 boxed them grow. I’ll drink to that... Anchor for a quick pint. Oh, dear read- er! I can see its glittering entrance current resolution becomes almost mean- from my room and inside they look so ingless. Those of us who didn't really happy, so warm, full of joie de vivre and want to give up the chocolates, or the cig- flushed with the cheer of Norfolk Ale. arettes, or the lard, don’t bother. The very So, join them I did, only to wake up the fact that we have to make resolutions next morning head thumping, alarm so year after year after year proves that we bored of bleeping it had given up are bad at sticking to them, and that we entirely, having slept through not only make them in the full knowledge we all of Women’s Hour, but, mysteriously, won't keep them. It's a way of alleviating with half a box of cereal missing and our guilt for not doing something we several rather regrettable Facebook should do. wall messages. Yes, I was the same sad, I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I actu- pathetic Mary Bowers I had been in ally believe in people's willpower. But, no, 2006. you don't need Niquitinell, or Slim Fast The New Year’s Resolution supposed- or Boots' “change one thing”, just get off ly goes back to 153BC, where the your fat, un-toned ass and do it (and no, Roman God Janus, who could see into Nike are not sponsoring me to write this the past and also into the future, came article)! These products and schemes, and to represent the exchanging of tree January 1 itself, are undermining the fact branches (of course) which (naturally) that people are capable of doing the developed into the making of New things they want to do. So please, don't Years’ Resolutions. So, in my despair, I make a New Year's Resolution. Cut down could at least draw comfort from the on your daily serving of guilt, get out fact that I was making my personal there and do it. contribution to well over two millenia of failure. I have joined that company Joe Rinaldi Johnson of bitter and opinionated people who decry New Year’s Resolutions as point- ILLUSTRATION BY TIM DRAKE Join us

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Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] FEATURES 15 Think Tank

PHOTO COURTESY OF DORIAN VAN BRAAM Nico Phillips uncovers the workings of a Fabian Society conference

“If you want celebrity and glitz, Gordon is ment to eradicate child poverty in Britain big picture” ideologically. Debate is free up enough to choose ideas over glamour, not your man” sums up Oona King, after by 2020. Similar pamphlets are published and open. Floor questions are constant. the next decade promises much. her platform chat with the PM-to-be. The frequently. And most speakers are eager to continue Chancellor keeps his eye on the audience. Certainly, Brown is setting out some- the discussion after the seminars end. www.fabian-society.org.uk Meets question with anecdote, rehearsed thing of his vision. At home, he will The humbleness and accessibility is reas- www.srcf.ucam.org/csfs/ joke, seriousness. Few cameras flash. secure the age of the “servant state”, with suring. Delegates concentrate hard. There’s little the “people in the driving seat”. And, And what’s the flavour of the day? Blair buzz. Is this really the next great internationally, “with 80 million children “Collectivism”. For Balls, this is the philo- FABIAN FACTS hope? not going to school tomorrow, ‘Education sophical dividing line. He attacked “David Sitting next to me is Amina Ali. She’s for All’ will make it our business to help Cameron’s visceral dislike of collec- 1884 – Founded as a political branch of black, divorced, living in Tower Hamlets developing nations educate the young”, tivism”. Blair is acknowledged to have “The Fellowship of New Life”. The origi- with her two children. We grab a few says Brown. And the money? £8.5 billion moved the agenda to the social-democrat- nal line-up included Emmeline Pankhurst words before Brown’s big speech. Asked with the EU and Gates Foundation. After ic left. But there is a feeling it will gravi- and H.G. Wells. about multiculturalism, she juxtaposes tate back, if the case is not re-made for a Brick Lane with Asian/Afro-Arab Muslim new “collectivist” progressivism. The five ‘Few cameras flash. 1900 – Members of the Fabian Society help racism. She complains about the Respect syllable “collectivism” might appeal to the to set up the Labour Party, the constitiu- MP who exploits racial tension and does- “left intelligentsia”. But with its whiff of Delegates concentrate tion of which borrowed heavily from the n’t turn up to his own advice surgeries. Siberian farming, it’s surely a hard sell to Society’s, written by Bernard Shaw. Looking round the room at the assem- hard. There’s little Blair the “fluffy bunny” imagination. bled Fabians, I wonder how typical Deborah Mattinson of Opinion Leader buzz. Is this really the 1930s – Mahomed Ali Jinnah, founder of Amina is. The room shows a surprising Research presents essentially the only Pakistan, is a passionate devotee and par- diversity in age - the youngest, 14-year- next great hope?’ electoral choice: “Steady as she goes. Or ticipant in the Society. old Josh, asks intelligently about mock time for change”. And the question elections in his school. The level of hanging over all that: can Brown rouse 1948 – The NHS is launched, based on the engagement is high. a dry and awkward start, here is the pas- the heart as well as appeal to the mind? 1942 report written by Lord Beveridge, The Fabian Society, a collection of intel- sion that you might expect from the He may offer “trust, experience, integrity” prominent economist, who subscribed to lectuals, politicians, journalists and mem- forum that gave rise to Aneurin Bevan’s in contrast to David Cameron, the “PR many Fabian beliefs. bers of the public, is the world’s oldest NHS. The fists clench. Mass production Confection.” But people like confection. think-tank. Joint with the unions, it of drugs at affordable prices; health and And why not? 2003 – The Fabian Commission on the founded the Labour Party in 1900. Since education in alliance for economic devel- As a space for ideas, the Fabian Society Future of the Monarchy reported with then it has underpinned much progres- opment: Brown’s found his elixir. A, per- is remarkable. And though close to the various suggestions for the modernisation sive left-wing debate and policy forma- haps idealistic, confidence in the “driving Labour Party, it guards its independence of the monarchy, including the repeal of tion. It’s the only think-tank in the UK to power of social conscience”, “the good fiercely. Brown and co know that. Even the anti-Catholic legislative prejudice. have a public membership, which means society movement”, which “makes people among this audience of supporters, anyone can get involved: attend its New want to change the country”, underlies there’s no gloating, no lording it. Like the 2004 – Society membership stands at 5,810 Year Conference, contribute at regular the day. journalists and academics, these politi- individuals, of which 1,010 are “Young seminar debates, engage in the political A rare heckler reminds that this is a cians come across as serious, committed Fabians”. Recent members have included questions of the day. Recently, its Life think-tank meeting, not a party confer- professionals. A more “humble”, even Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and the late Chances publication was instrumental in ence. Ed Balls responds, urging that we servile, politics seems likely. The glitz has Robin Cook. reaffirming the government’s commit- “move away from the particular to the gone. A loss? In a way. But if we’re grown

Arts editor: Lowri Jenkins Write for this section: 16 ARTS Email: [email protected] [email protected] ARTS 17

THE ARTS 4 COLUMN

Imogen Walford On the Critic as Artist

Take Your Pick Behind every great piece of art is – a great piece of art: its criticism. In the 33 flurry over 2007’s accelerated artistic moments, spare a thought for the people 11 pinning down these transitory sensa- tions. Finely crafted, incisive, witty: a description of an art form can be a beautiful thing. The film and music review markets are in rude health, with stalls brimming with magazines. But these are mass-marketed, easily obtain- able commodities. The real joy lies in a totally unrepeatable event: the forgotten art of theatre criticism. Often used to inform you how (not) to spend your money, the review should be like describing a brilliant party. And would you do that by listing the cock- tail price list? No. You’d talk about the ambience surrounding you. Sod the 5 plot. Ignore what the reviewer thought 2 of the play. I want to know what the event felt like. ‘Sod the plot. I want to know what the event felt like’

Take the god of theatre criticism: Ken Tynan. The knowing among you will nod knowingly and think “ah yes, the first man to say ‘fuck’ on TV”. For the less knowing: the book’s out in February. The glory of Tynan rests in such delectable images as Gielgud having the “general theatrical experience.” Over at the Arts Europe, Kettle’s Yard promises to begin aspect of a tight, smart, walking umbrel- Rock ‘n’ roll Theatre, be sure to catch The Seafarer a year long arty party with class. la”. An English student could provide before Conor MacPherson takes it to On screen Cinecam 2007 On Record pages on how Noel Coward manages to 1 legends the National. It runs from February 3 Go here for: a cultured and beautifully- 6 7 be such a spectacularly unreadable, 20th-24th starting at 7.45pm, featuring surrounded antidote to essay trauma unwatchable bore: in a Tynan sentence The Junction kicks off the year with gambling for souls, rum drinking, Pick of this year is Babel, from 21 and too much television. There is just over a month to get There’s so much to choose from next his plays are dismissed as “pasting of two musical gods playing within a shanties and suchlike. Grams director Alejandro Gonzalez- involved in Cinecam’s flagship festival time you go into Fopp. Instead of buy- thin strips of banter onto cardboard”. month of each other, starting with Inarritu. Featuring Cate Blanchett, the and Cambridge’s version of Cannes. ing the Klaxons album later this Reviews are now pared down to a few Velvet Underground survivor John Cale Bring along: a few more sheckles than sizzling-hot Gael Garcia Bernal and Deadline for submission is February month, spend a tenner on Deerhoof. vacuous adjectives, telling you the lead on January 28th. A few weeks later, you’re used to shelling out at the Brad Pitt on career-best form, it com- New writing at 23rd, so get your thinking caps on. The ninth album of haphazard, sweet- actor gives a “gripping”, “strong” or “note- Will Oldham is bringing his fabulously Corpus Playroom, buying you the bines three stories to investigate the Besides the prestigious panel of sounding experimentation from the San worthy” performance (read: “learnt lines, bearded balledeering to Cambridge on chance to see scintillating professional barriers formed by language and the 5 the ADC judges deciding who claims the grand Francisco band comes out on January didn’t bump into furniture”). Criticism is February 13th, thank the Lord. No theatre. problem of communication in a foreign prize (last year a three week stint at 23rd. Another tip for 2007 is The the Sick Man of the theatre and the doubt showcasing his recent album realm. If feature-lengths aren’t your It’s refreshing to find new writing Brighton Film School), rolling out the Sounds; they've been around for a Dead Weight of the newspaper. Even the “The Letting Go”, prepare to have your thing, hit Futureshorts at the Arts grabbing a Mainshow slot at a major fag and wine-stained student red car- while, swiftly gaining a reputation with Guardian has let the advertising bacte- soul stirred. Get your tickets now. Picturehouse on January 26th at 11pm. Cambridge venue: from February pet will be Josh Newman talking their annoyingly catchy songs. ria grow over the theatre space. The s 13th-17th, Tom Sharpe’s Hang on Mr screenwriting, some old pros from the Thankfully, their edge of obscurity lets Golden Days of long articles has given Expect: gruff masters delivering a More where that came from: Bernal Bugson hits the ADC stage at 7.45pm. film business come to discuss “work- you indulge in pop without letting go of way to fifty word snapshots. musical schooling to the industry’s 7 also stars in Michel Gondry’s trippy Having written prolifically and suc- ing in film”, and a mystery Italian all pretension. The reviewers don’t help themselves. skinny-hipped pretenders. Science of Sleep, released in February. cessfully for the Footlights, Sharpe director, game for a bit of Q&A. Up It’s easy to spot a theatre critic. They turns his hand to a play which will be yours, Oscar. Tune in: on the radio waves, change don’t even have to pull out the note- t “funny, sure, but not just funny.” A The clever folk at Cinecam have your dial to Radio 6 for a series of book: if they’re overweight, middle aged week later Staggered Spaces by Nadia also got their hands on a load of themed shows from Bob Dylan. and a bit tired-looking, you’ve got them. Kettle’s Yard Kamil and Luke Roberts features as Super 8 cameras and are giving stu- And once in place, there’s no shaking Theatre on tour an ADC lateshow. A stealth hit on the dents the opportunity to work with them: upstart youngsters (anyone under 2 4 50th birthday Edinburgh Fringe, it evolved from a this beautiful, grainy old format. For fifty) just have to endure penury until

r relationship between the writer/actors those who have had enough of the dig- someone dies. Most go and do some- Not to be missed is Presumption by It’s the 50th anniversary of legendary which is part theatrical, part real. ital revolution and want to get back to 66 thing else. And the rest get jaded. So Third Angel at the Junction on Cambridge Kettle’s Yard, and to cele- After Roberts’ brilliantly excruciating the ol skool, registration takes place the cycle continues. February 20th at 8pm. The drama brate the always-worth-it house/gallery family portrait 1,2,3,4, (5) last term, Right: Get at the Cinecam squash, on Wednesday This is not the only way theatre criti- explores the relationship of Tom and is putting on a series of exciting exhibi- this is definitely one to watch. Catch to grips January 24th, in the CRASSH recep- cism suffers. Take the star-system: an Mary, a stagnating couple who tions and events. Kicking it all off is it from February 21st-24th at 11pm. with one tion room which is at 17 Mill Lane. insightful response to theatre reduced to find themselves talking less but want- “WE the moderns”, a two-month exhibi- of these a maths test. I say, just ignore the stars. ing more. It promises to be a night Left: tion of the sculptural experiments of at the And gorge. Plays may pass away. But of intimate theatre, having been lose your Henri Gaudier-Brzeska. Drawing on its Look out for: moments of awkward Super 8 Go along: be part of what looks to be a what was printed in cold hard ink the described by the Guardian as “crossing loan on own extensive Gaudier collection, and humour and the chance to see Film highly productive year for film in next day shall never fade. A boundaries and redefining the nature of Deerhoof other pieces from galleries around Cambridge comics branching out. Experience Cambridge. BE IT.

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Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] ARTS 19 Sam Leon sheds some light on a new genre making people stamp their feet - the edgy and increasingly popular world of dubstep

MIXTAPE

Music to make you Stagger

ake note: dubstep is “music to intrigue of dubstep’s alternative take selves are almost always exclusive to make you stagger”. At least on bass-culture. Not wishing to go as the particular DJ playing them and Tthat’s the message Croydon’s far as to say drum ‘n’ bass is dead, I this makes for an atmosphere of keen golden-boy Skream seems to be driv- might just say it deserves a holiday. anticipation as dubsteppers wait to ing home in the sleeve notes to his The owners of London super-club vent their pent-up enthusiasm for new LP, Skream!. But though listen- Fabric agree with me, and, like a boss tracks they can only get a dose of ing to dubstep might leave you reel- gently advising an overworked and once a week. ing, the genre itself has never been underperforming employee to “take Despite this, however, the chances more steady on its feet. The immense- some time off”, have once a month for a mainstream reception of dubstep ly popular club night FWD at started dropping drum ‘n’ bass from are slim. Whereas drum ‘n’ bass has London’s Plastic People went from the menu. A brave call for the club frequently flirted with the main- being monthly to every Friday over stream (Shy FX’s “Shake Your Body” the summer, whilst Brixton’s DMZ appearing in the UK charts) the pub- has had to move to a bigger home to ‘It will be a while lic appeal of dubstep is limited by its accommodate demand from an ever- inability to translate onto the average increasing fan base. before Ballare’s DJ bedroom stereo. The music, being so For those who don’t know, dubstep much about the sub-low frequencies, is the descendent of that much- starts rolling out the fails to deliver proper impact when maligned phenomenon of the late 90s, any system short of a sub-woofer is 2-step garage. Much darker and more latest Loefah 12”s but put to work. Not to mention the fact experimental than garage itself, it is that so many of the big tunes, such as characterised by monster basslines, dubstep hasn’t Digital Mystikz’s epic take on classic quirky minimal soundscapes and reggae number “Marijuana”, don’t restrained whips. At once dark and passed Cambridge pass sample clearance and get no pub- playful, it varies between emphasis on lic pressing whatsoever. hyper double-time and a wonderfully by completely’ For now it looks like dubstep will spacious half-time. The sheer original- remain just an intriguing source of ity of the sound and the willingness often credited as bringing the scene bass-weight, creativity and dance within the scene to keep innovating back to life after the rather ungra- floor mayhem for the more adventur- sets it apart as a genre from many of cious decline of garage. ous who are tired of the Pendulum its more conservative contemporaries Those who do abandon their drum ‘n’ bass formula. It will be a in dance music, which seem tired by favourite drum ‘n’ bass haunt in while before Ballare’s DJ start comparison. favour of new sources of bass-weight rolling out the latest Loefah 12”s, but Drum ‘n’ bass is a case in point. The are in for a unique experience. As there are rumbles here and there scene, with its massively fucked producer Kode 9 remarked about that dubstep hasn’t passed legion of professional gurners, invari- dubstep clubbing “It’s like doing a Cambridge completely by. King’s, ably men, seems unable to capture rave 20,000 leagues underwater”. The Emmanuel and Clare have all fea- that first e-feeling that electrified it club is dark (no lights is the rule), tured nights involving some element when the ecstasy was good and the packed and pulsating with wall-to- of dubstep, and although none of music was still cutting edge. wall energy that rises and falls as these have been exactly packed to Pendulum’s influence has moulded each new track is introduced and the the rafters, maybe that’s not such a much of drum ‘n’ bass in to a rather bass slowly cranked up until the tune bad thing. The underground has predictable mush of melodic sing finally drops in an earth shattering always enjoyed being exactly that – along style bass-lines, which, fun as climax of ominous sub-bass sounds half the fun is feeling like you’re in they might be, lack all the impact and and snappy breaks. The sounds them- on a big secret.

Arts editor: Lowri Jenkins Friday January 19 2007 20 REVIEWS Email: [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Coming Apocalypto #### THE BOOK soon Dir: Mel Gibson CLUB Varsity exam- ines the What makes a good trip to the cinema? The switch off your brain and let your eyes and ears impact of for- bombastic thrill and spectacle of the epic, with indulge in the beautiful settings and the nause- If you’re reading its extraordinary sensual feasts, or the warm atingly extreme (but grotesquely satisfying) vio- this column, you eign language satisfaction of the compelling drama, with its lence on show. Once we get past the un-engag- probably quite intimate and complex human relationships and ing opening half hour or so, we’re treated to like books. film making characters? You have to ask yourself this ques- stunning jungle views, a vast and throbbing Perhaps you on the tion before deciding whether to see Mel Gibson’s Mayan city, hearts being ripped out of chests never leave latest, because whilst it gloriously succeeds in and decapitations in front of huge baying the house Hollywood creating epic cinema, the plot and characterisa- crowds. Here a face mauled by a panther, there without one tion leave a lot to be desired. an exhilarating extended chase sequence under your mainstream The best tactic for viewing, I think, is to through rivers and jungles, with breathtaking arm. Perhaps you are and asks the camerawork (look out for the astonishing shot unable to defecate in the absence of which swoops out from a river to reveal a huge reading material. Perhaps the act of question: waterfall), leading to a rain-splattered final tearing up a copy of your favourite showdown. The action is relentless and grue- book would be an almost unbearable “Can some, but coupled with the thumping score it’s task. Apocalypto exciting and gripping at an instinctive level, and But Hanta has no choice. It’s his is vastly unlike so many of the bland films job. He makes a living by pulping bag the Oscar around today. books for the Communist government for Best And if you can’t keep your brain switched off of Czechoslovakia. His boss sees him for two and a half hours, you might want keep as a simple, drunken idiot, but Picture?” yourself occupied by wondering just how much Hanta’s career has made him of a nutter Mel Gibson is, given that the films remarkably well-read. Each day he he directs (Braveheart, The Passion of the saves a book from the hydraulic Christ) seem to be so comprehensively vicious. press, smuggling it home, until his Or consider the accusations of vast historical house is swelling with novels, holy inaccuracies. Or the charge levelled by The writ, works of politics and philosophy. Guardian’s film critic that Apocalypto resem- Each night he sleeps in fear, terrified bles a Leni Riefenstahl film and – given Mel’s that the bookshelves he has hastily recent drunken anti-Semitic rant and the accu- constructed over his bed will fall and sations of anti-Semitism when his previous crush him to death. He imbibes as film was released – the possible significance of much literature as he does beer. He a scene involving a huge pit of naked corpses. Or you might simply ask what profound thing, if anything, the film is about? ‘Perhaps you are It’s quite possible Mel Gibson really is just off his trolley and I doubt if he’d have any particu- unable to defecate in larly enlightening comments for us regarding the absence of Apocalypto, but if you can switch your brain off for long enough, you’ll be rewarded with a vivid reading material. cinematic experience. And to be fair to Mel, it probably takes a madman to create a film this Perhaps the act of crazily compelling. tearing up a copy of your favourite book Tom Hannan would be an almost unbearable task.’ The Last King of Scotland #### can quote anything from Kant to the Dir: Kevin Macdonald Talmud. Jesus and Lao-Tzu emerge from the pages of forbidden scrip- tures to become two contrasting fig- Kevin Macdonald’s film follows his work at the mission for the bright key”, invites comparisons with other lit- ures of wisdom. Nicholas Garrigan (James McAvoy), a lights of Kampala and the job of person- erary White Devils like Iago in Othello, Hanta’s story, Too Loud a fictional Scottish doctor who finds him- al physician to Amin. There he shows cleverly re-inventing the type in post- Solitude, is a self-portrait by the self in the service of the terrifying Idi himself both cocky and naïve: living the colonial Africa Czech author, Bohimul Hrabal, who Amin, played by the utterly compelling high life in a heady swirl of parties, fast Garrigan’s support for Amin finally also spent many years compacting Forest Whitaker. Built like a bear and collapses, not when he realises what a books in a lonely cellar. This short with unpredictable mood changes, monster the man is, but only after he novel is a dark, hilarious tale about swinging from affable charm to brutal ‘Whitaker dominates has put his own life at risk in an ill- the pleasures of reading, punctuated anger, Whitaker dominates every scene every scene with a advised and rather unbelievable affair by Hanta’s tragicomic reminis- with a brilliant blend of bullying with one of Amin’s wives. Garrigan does cences. How he has to clean up the humour and horror. It is a perform- brilliant blend of bullying not try to redeem himself for his earlier remains of his dead uncle from a ance that grabs the role by the throat humour and horror. It is foolish actions. He makes no personal railway signal box. His brief love and has been quite rightly tipped for sacrifice, but simply tries to escape to affair with a beautiful gypsy girl Oscar glory. a performance quite save his own skin. It can be a little whose name he never knew. His Garrigan, straight out of medical hard to care if he does. ever-present anxiety about losing school, offers his services to a mission in rightly tipped for an Last King is a very good film. his job to the industrial-sized trash 1970s rural Uganda. He abuses his sta- Oscar.’ Macdonald captures the high-octane compactor outside of town. tus as an educated white man, dabbling instability of the period with sharp, Too Loud a Solitude is a rare treat: in the exotic attractions of a country he quick-zoom camerawork and a great a story about a man who is just as cannot understand. Garrigan isn’t there cars and women, enjoying the prestige soundtrack packed with afro-funk, while obsessed with books as the fanatical out of altruism; rather he desires to that his close friendship with the Whitaker’s fantastic performance shows reader. Take it with you the next time escape the limited horizons his parents President gives, all the time remaining just how seductive a charismatic dicta- you need a number two. have set for him as a Highland GP. It oblivious to Amin’s ceaseless murdering. tor can be. comes as no surprise when he abandons His popular moniker, “the white mon- Rudolf Eliott Lockhart Andy Wimbush Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEWS 21

Make This Your Own ## Cooper Temple Clause

Wokingham’s finest export, since bull-bait- able formula. ing was banned in 1821, have finally got The distressing results can be seen most round to releasing a follow-up to 2003's retch-inducingly on “What Have You Gone flawed but surprisingly rewarding “Kick and Done”, with its chugging overdriven Up The Fire and Let the Flames Break Loose”. It's been three years in the mak- ing, so, despite the loss of bassist Didz ‘About as radical as the Hammond to NME spaff-receptacle Dirty Rolling Stones playing a Pretty Things, one could be forgiven for expecting a minor revolution in their private gig for a sound. “Kick Up The Fire” was, after all, an impressive development on the Russian tycoon.’ widescreen testosterone frenzy of their debut, retaining their trademark bristling guitars, a structure more conventional aggression while taking comprehensive than your local Conservative club, and suf- lessons from Radiohead's successful dab- focatingly trite lyrics (“What have you blings with electronica and IDM. gone and done/You had the chance to “Make This Your Own”, however, is prove us wrong” will suffice). There are, about as radical as the Rolling Stones however, better moments - the opening Game”, a.k.a “steroid-pumped Brian Molko depressingly one-dimensional compared playing a private gig for a Russian punch of “Homo Sapiens” and “Head” - the humping U2 in one of their favourite air- with its predecessor. Their once-thrilling tycoon. It seems that rather than encour- latter's industrial stomp mixed with synth- craft-hangar-acoustic dens”. Irritatingly migraine rush has been replaced with the aging a more thoroughgoing integration pop sensibility bringing to mind A Flock of though, this is not a terrible album. The musical equivalent of a competent truffle. of their Krautrock/post-hardcore and elec- Seagulls and Simple Minds. Similarly good mix of glimmers of tear-soaked-fringe sen- The injunction to “make this your own” tronica influences, time spent away from is the melancholic acoustic lament of “Take sitivity with their trademark misanthropy ought only to appeal to twentysomething the new-rave churn and the demands of Comfort”, displaying an altogether differ- isn't a problem. Rather it is the watering River Island khaki wearing ex-Toploader frenetically Myspacing fans demanding ent and more fragile side of the band. down of this trademark juxtaposition with fans desperately trying to reconstruct their more “riffage” has resulted in the smooth- But regrettably more common is the alienatingly smooth production and a masculinity. ing of edges and the refining of comfort- painful mediocrity of tracks like “Waiting “mature” epic sensibility that makes this Was Yaqoob

Macbeth ### Get ADC Involved Interested in ETG’s production of Macbeth “Thriller”. However, whilst the with her role as a demonic Martha the Arts? seems to have lost none of the witches rendered endless giggling Stewart than in concealing her momentum from its European and orgasmic pleasure in their husband’s guilt. This term we tour. A stark set and close lighting manipulative activities, the exclu- Macbeth, masterfully portrayed created an atmosphere which sion of Malcolm’s final speech, by Max Bennett, commanded a are expand- allowed a confident and polished whilst leaving the ending of the strong physical presence, whether ing our realisation of this powerful por- play brutal and unrepentant, also in abusing his subordinates or trayal of a man’s submission to left it lacking a complete resolu- being plunged into a cauldron by reviews fate and destiny. tion. the Weird Sisters. In a moment of team. We From the initial spectacle of At times Lady Macbeth seemed light relief, the Porter, played with need to see, writhing witches to Macbeth’s a deranged deviant more suited to gusto by the outstanding Thomas death cry, Proske ensured that the “Desperate Housewives” than the Yarrow, speaks of “the primrose listen and play’s dramatic potential was fully severe silhouette she could easily way to the everlasting bonfire”. In try every- realised. Her imaginative direction have been, but she created a pal- the depths of tormented soliloquies included such deviations as having pable sense of fallibility, and even however, one sometimes wished thing in Macbeth surrounded by stomping introduced some unforeseen (possi- that Macbeth had chosen a less Cambridge zombies in a scene whose potency bly unintentional) comedy to the sober (and shorter) journey to was only undermined by its slight role, especially in the feast scene Hell. and we need resemblance to the video to when she seemed more concerned Orlando Reade you. [email protected]

The Sweet Escape ## Kingdom of Doom #### Gwen Stefani The Good, The Bad and The Queen

You could have predicted the demise of heavily from hits of the recent past it’s Ever woken up knowing that you grated to avoid banality. Echoes of “The Sweet Escape” before it hit the surprising its creators haven’t yet dreamt but not really sure what reggae, electronica, folk, punk, psyche- shelves. It’s the same old story: artist been served with summons. Opening about? That’s how I feel after listen- delia and pop swirl into 43 minutes of releases a rushed second album off the track “Wind It Up” is a case in point, ing to this. Damon Albarn, “afrobeat unsettling, melancholic music. The back of a hit debut, expecting the beginning with Sound of Music yodel- pioneer” Tony Allen, Paul Simon and track from which the band takes its same success, only to realise after ling before proceeding to rip off “My Simon Tong seem to have recorded name, which recalls Roxy Music’s lukewarm reviews that the record-buy- Humps” with mind-boggling insou- their individual parts in separate “Ladytron”, “A Day in the Life” and ing public aren’t quite stupid enough ciance. Yet Stefani still has enough rooms and thrown them together. “Tomorrow” from “Bugsy Malone”, pro- to swallow the rehashed off-cuts of ini- charisma to instil it with some of the Songs stop, start and veer like some- vides a fitting end to an album that’s tial success. sugary eccentricity that made L.A.M.B one impatiently changing radio sta- not easy but considerably more inter- The lack of inspiration manifests a hit. It’s just a shame she’s not really tions. For the most part this works: esting than the Kaiser Chiefs. itself in an album which is insubstan- trying. the influences are diverse enough to tial, schizophrenic, and plagiarises so Valerie Bell be interesting but sufficiently inte- Rhiannon Easterbrook Friday January 19 2007 22 LISTINGS Email: [email protected] varsity.co.uk

FILM THEATRE MUSIC OTHER GOING OUT K The Mirror Pulse E Arts Picturehouse The Theatre, Peterhouse, £4 Drop Beats Not Bombs Kambar, 21.00-02.00 £3 E Thu 25 Jan, 17.00 Sat 20th January A rare opportunity to see ‘Desperate satire, sensuous Breaks, electro, dubstep, Tarkovsky’s most personal and whimsy and bitter irony”.Pulse minimal techno, funky W artistically innovative work are a collective expanding the breaks, reggae and afrobeat. without heading into a rubbish medium of cabaret, providing Featuring international DJ E London arts cinema full of an opportunity for composers I2I, the internationally renowned cider, H secret perverts hoping to bump to engage directly in contempo- into Eva Green. An intimate rary social issues. Barnstormer, and that uni- T study of ordinary Russian life An archaeology of cabaret song versal objet d’art, vomit. filtered through a rich blend of from French cafes to pre-war Fundraiser organised by F surrealist poetry and imagery, Germany, post-war America Cambridge Students Against it’s a memory film (reminiscent and contemporary Britain, the Arms Trade (CSAAT). O of Resnais) and also an autobi- Elemental Pulse will mainly be sniping at Henri-Gaudier Brezska Though energy from your ographical film. Worth braving ADC, Tue 23 Jan - Sat 27 Jan you, your rubbish life, and your Kettle’s Yard, Sat 20 Jan - 18 stupid flailing limbs will not

K the sexy scorn of the handsome Brand new contemporary rubbish friends, if you bring Mar. Exhibition of the sculptures directly convince colleges to Picturehouse staff judging you. dance. Flamenco, hip-hop, them. It’ll be better than look- of the French. Futurist. An divest shares in arms going C

I All films showing at Arts Picturehouse embarrassed student audience. ing into the mirror, full of self- opportunity to cozy up to to dubious regimes, the unless stated otherwise.. Worth seeing, even if it sounds loathing. Armchair philosophy modernism and feel alienated. forthcoming CSAAT mass Also not all films being shown are listed. P like training for proto-bourge.s demonstration (Feb 10) will. Black Book 17.30, 20.30 Macbeth ADC, 19.45 The Winter Kings + Rizzo + Richard Egarr plays Bach Shut Up And Dance Brazil 23.10 Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui The Sirens The Loft, 20.00, £4 West Road Concert Hall, £14 Union, 21.00-01.00, £3 The Last King of Scotland ADC, 23.00 The Shivers The Portland, Richard Egarr plays Bach’s Marvel: Superhero FRI 12.45, 15.30, 16.10, 20.45 20.00, free Goldberg Variations and gives a Cheese Queens, 21.00- Pan’s Labyrinth 12.15, 23.30 Kyla Bowen-la Grange The pre-concert talk at 6.30. 00.45, £4. Civilisations have Starter for Ten 23.20 Boathouse, 21.00, £3 Amphetamines in advance? fallen for less than this Infamous 16.20, 18.40, 21.00 Pan’s Labyrinth 12.15, 23.30 Macbeth ADC, 19.45 Pulse Theatre, Peterhouse, £4 CU Chamber Choir King’s BIGs 6th Birthday Bash 19 Chacon Junction Shed, 19.00, £8 Chapel, £5 Described as one of The Junction, 22.00-04.00, Brazil 23.10 SOLD OUT Black Book 17.30, 20.30 Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui Claire Martin Cambridge Arts ‘the most sublime and best-loved £10. I have no idea SAT Infamous 16.20, 18.40, 21.00 ADC, 23.00 Theatre, 19.45, £10 labelled the choral works composed’. Nick Bridges The Last King of Scotland ‘best British jazz singer for a So, singin’ n’ shit Fez, 22.00-03.00, £8 12.45, 15.30, 16.10, 20.45 generation’ - quaff your frappes Tickets at Corn Exchange Office

Black Book 13.00, 18.00, 21.00 Peripheral Vision John MartynThe Corn Rembrandt & Saskia The Sunday Service 20 The Last King of Scotland Exchange, 19.30, £24.50 Fitzwilliam Museum - Collection Club Twenty-Two, 22.00- Judith E. Wilson Drama Studio 12.45, 15.30, 16.10, 20.45 (English Faculty) 21.00 Scottish song-writing genius, of the great painter’s prints, pri- 01.00, £3 SUN The Departed (Johns) 19.00, apparently.At this price, you could marily focusing on his wife. But God is decidedly not in 22.00 buy more than 25 loaves of bread doesn’t the Fitz make your eyes favour of this service Borat (Christs) 20.00, 22.30 and watch them slowly rot instead roll back into your head? A little

Little Ms. Sunshine (Catz) 20.00 Peripheral Vision Imogen Heap, Matthew Schellhorn West Fat Poppadaddys 21 Black Book 13.00, 18.00, 21.00 The Junction, 19.00 Road Concert Hall, 20.00, £6 Fez, 21.00 - 03.00, £4 Judith E. Wilson Drama Studio Infamous 18.40, 21.00 SOLD OUT Piano pieces included by Pleasingly generic, like a (English Faculty) 21.00 liberal democrat beatboxing MON The Last King of Scotland fuck knows why though. nah Schumann and Thurlow, with a 12.45, 15.30, 16.10, 20.45 nah she’s alright pre-concert talk by Thurlow at Pan’s Labyrinth 18.00, 21.00 7.15. La Strada before yah

Black Book 13.00, 16.00, 21.00 Elemental ADC, 19.45 Pub, misery. You can hum An Introduction to Precious* LBGT Night 22 Infamous 16.20, 18.50, 21.10 Arab Strap to yourself and feel Understanding Film Arts Club 22, 22.00-02.00, £3 Improvise That! ADC, 23.00 The Last King of Scotland Henri Oguike Dance authentic Picturehouse, every Tuesday, Ebonics Fez, 22.00-03.30, £2 TUE 16.00, 18.30 Company Cambridge Arts www.arabstrap.co.uk 18.00-20.00 Learn about film, Kinki, Ballare, 21.00-02.00, Ikiru 21.15 boast, beret, pull, words £3. The post-modern apoca- Theatre, 19.45, £10 lypse now

Black Book 15.00, 18.00, 21.00 Elemental ADC, 19.45 The Cougars The Soul Tree, Drop Beats Not Bombs 23 Infamous 16.20, 18.50, 21.10 20.00, £5.50 Kambar, 21.00 £3 New Magic Show ADC, 23.00 Mean Streets 19.00 Henri Oguike Dance The Shills + The New World + save them for your friends WED Lucky Number Slevin Company Cambridge Arts The Tupolev Ghost The Loft, Rumboogie (Caius) 20.30, 20.45 20.00, £3 is killing Cambridge Theatre, 19.45, £10 21.00-02.00, £3

Black Book 13.00, 18.00, 21.00 Elemental ADC, 19.45 Hundred Reasons The Gaudier Ensemble Urbanite 24 Infamous 16.20, 18.40, 21.00 The Junction, 19.00, £10 Kettle’s Yard, 19.45, £10. Club Twenty-Two, 21.00- The New Magic Show ADC, The Last King of Scotland 23.00 a combined age of about two The internationally renowned 02.30,£3 THU 12.00, 14.30, 19.00, 21.30 hundred years, and the sort of Gaudier Ensemble, playing Dancing in the living The Mirror 17.00 brash emo/post-hardcore mess Debussy, Stravinsky, Milhaud, room As there’s nothing Pan’s Labyrinth 15.50 that sounds even older Kurtag. Highly recommended. better to do. Pathos, free La Haine (Christs) 20.00, 22.30 BOOK NOW 25 Fingathing + Shut Up And Union, Shut Up And Dance! Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy Dance! @ The Soultree will be making the venue its The Junction Tue 23 Jan (and every Tue) own - providing huge acts Tue 13 Feb 19.00, £17.50 21.00-03.00, £4 every Tuesday. T OFFERS: This week, Fingathing (er The elusive but supremely Free food in the downstairs a.k.a Peter Parker) will be talented alt. country artist U bar for early arrivals providing some heavy funk graces our shit town with Shots of tequila £1 before 12 and hip-hop, shaking the floor,

O his sparse, literate alt. folk giving people migraine, killing Shut up and Dance! is moving small animals, etc etc. Beers.

G to a larger venue. Though the Come early to pick up cheap lobotomised charm of the drinks and support student N

I Soultree (home to DJ nights that don’t involve Urbanite,one of Cambridge’s listening to ‘Build me up

O most regular human rights Buttercup’ on repeat while a abuses) seems a world away hundred bastards writhe and

G from the grimy charm of the your mate pisses on the floor.

Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/news [email protected] COMMENT 23

Ethics Girl

TESS RILEY

here are some in this world who love to be in the limelight, the talk of the town, the lady in red. If you love theatre and think that ‘drop the dTebt’ is something to do with your overdraft card after the January sales shopping spree then I am probably talking about you too. Then there are those who main- tain a lower profile, who keep on with keeping on and, well, just get on with it. Environmentalists usual- ly fall into this latter category. As far as I’m aware, Swampy never made it onto Vogue’s front-cover. Indeed, it’s probably a good thing he never became too famous; he probably had an ethical objection to snorting coke unless it had been reared up a pig’s bum or something. Kate and Doherty would doubtless turn their noses up at this, rather than getting this up their noses, but considering loo seats and snorting have a habit of going together like birds of a feather, it’s surprising how choosey these celebs can be. The fame thing: over recent years, environmental issues have become increasingly hot topics, both in the literal climate change sense and the metaphorical “you’re so hot I could melt my glacier on you” The college system: why sense. George Monbiot, 43 years old and a political activist-academic, is my pin-up boy. His sexiest garment is likely to be the thermal under- wear he wears to reduce central the centre cannot hold heating use – need I say more? While big name celebrities, such competing at once. Like its culture The college system itself may lie that pack inviting you to pay £85 to as Branson and Chris Martin, are and history, the country is a at the heart of this situation. The join The Union. “What sort of a seen to be getting in on the eco- palimpsest of influences and move- closeness and insularity, as well as fucking union is that?!?” I remember action, a good proportion of ments, all now jostling for space in community it encourages, is perhaps thinking indignantly…) Cambridge students are failing to the same arena. It even goes as far part of the reason why I always The Cambridge system works be recognised for their green activi- as the system of government: after have difficulty deciding where immediately undermines any new ties if the V100 nominations are dubious election results in 2006, the Cambridge University starts and attempt at a consistent and wholly anything to go by. city finds itself governed by the my own college ends. To me, and I’m applicable manner of organisation. My final column is about celebrat- defeated (but supposedly rightful) sure to a lot of others, my college is As with academics, and with your ing Cambridge students who are president, and the country by the my university. We are a tiny town choice of extra-curricular pursuits, getting on with getting on. Great (‘corrupt’) victor. full of rival collectives and compet- the emphasis is forever on the indi- things are happening in pokey The more I thought about this ing college stereotypes (who can for- vidual. Cambridge is a competitive rooms that smell like wee all over hugely fragmented, clamouring get such classic battlecries as “I’d place, even out of the classroom; Cambridge, with StopAids, CAAT, nature of society and culture in the rather be at Oxford than at social circles whirl around social cir- Plane Stupid, Greenpeace, Sudan LOWRI JENKINS country, the more it reminded me of cles, with their own set of mini Divestment… And so on until the something closer to home. To a cer- celebrities, in-jokes and traditions. organic cows come home. tain extent, in a very different con- ‘It is no wonder Each individual in the university, My major (I am sure vital) contri- ust to make everyone jeal- text, Cambridge too is a bustling then, must slot themselves in and out bution to saving the planet last ous as we begin the bleak- arena full of competing organisations. that institu- of these similarly individual groups, term was achieved, apparently, est and most depressing Academia provides the best exam- until they too become a kind of through trying to persuade people term of the year, I’m going ple. To what do we owe priority: tions like CUSU Cambridge palimpsest: a layer of they should have more sex because to start with a little story faculty or college? DoS or new History of Art here, a smattering of it’s environmentally friendly. from my wonderful winter supervisor? Classes with other col- struggle to find Hockey Blue there. I only discovered I was doing this Jadventure to Mexico. After inadver- leges or supervisions with your clos- I’m not saying that we should turn when a good friend, John, filled me tently blurting out a Spanish apology est friends? I remember being told a unified voice: Cambridge into some kind of regu- in on the workings of my sub-con- to my companion on the plane, I before I came here: check your there isn’t one’ larised socialist regime. To a great scious: “Tess, I think this column is ended up becoming embroiled in a emails at least ten times a day; it’s extent the college system, and its good for you. It’s providing a space two hour conversation, whose ideas the only way you’ll stay on top of rather Mexican way of doing things for you to explore your sexuality were perhaps a little high above my things. The maxim has proved is part of its charm; it’s also part of and be green simultaneously.” rudimentary levels of Spanish. We strangely true. It certainly feels John’s”?). It is no wonder that insti- what makes it an inspiring place to He was drunk. I hope. spent a long time talking about that each week, perhaps each super- tutions like CUSU struggle to find a study. However, it is also perhaps Particularly since I thought Mexico, about how crazy and contra- vision, engenders a new set of diplo- unified Cambridge voice: there isn’t emblematic of the university’s resist- exploring your sexuality was what dictory it was, about how busy and matic negotiations between separate one. Most positions for the latest ance to change in a world which, you did when trying to decide messy its cities were; I in a glowing and colliding individuals. None of CUSU election barely pulled in 2000 since the institution’s medieval whether you were gay (which I’m tone, he in a deprecatory one. After the multifarious supervisors and lec- voters; yet we have nearly 20,000 inception, has altered immensely. not), rather than anything to do twigging that I seemed to like turers, teachers and graduates seem students here. While post-graduate studies and with the environment? Mexico City’s dizzy mix of pyramids, aware of what the other is doing; Cambridge life is refracted research make advances, it often More to the point, getting on with office blocks and street dogs, he and it’s often left up to a snowed- through singular, individual eyes at feels as if the undergraduate, and it – saving the world – does include turned to me and asked, ‘But don’t under DoS, or the powers of every step of the way, so the forms it extra-curricular arena, is still operat- getting it on. Ethics Girl’s final piece you think it’s a bit – disorganised?’ Hermes and several lazy students, takes are constantly proliferating. ing separate from Cambridge of advice for the coming year is this: I thought about it for a bit (ok, I to pick out the necessaries. Part of There is no unifying centre. We University completely. And, much in next year’s V100 I want to see thought about it for a second then this is no doubt due to the supervi- don’t even have a Student Union like the looming threat of US com- more people nominated because spent a minute working out how to sion system which we have in building to call our own. (And I’m mercialism over Mexico, as times they are environmentally friendly say it in Spanish) then replied that Cambridge and I wouldn’t change it sure most people can recall with a keep changing and we don’t, the or having a lot of sex. Get it on and it’s not that city has no organisation, for the world; but tweaking it wry smile the confusion at receiving eccentricity and individuality we get on with it. but that it has several organisations wouldn’t hurt. the summer before matriculation value may get gobbled up. If you once imagined yourself as a rock ‘n’ roll legend…

...don’t worry. You can still make a name for yourself in the music business.

Deloitte at Cambridge As one of the most successful professional services firms, we get closer to the heart of the business world. Whether we’re working with multi-national companies or rock ’n’ roll stars, we’re here to help people, businesses and those on our Graduate Programme achieve their aspirations. We’ll be in your area soon. It’s your chance to find out who we are and what we’re about. Whatever your degree discipline, we’re looking forward to showing you just how much our graduate and undergraduate schemes could do for your career. Consulting Case Study Monday 22 January 2007, 6.30pm Open Presentation Monday 29 January 2007, 6.30pm To register for these events, visit our website at www.deloitte.co.uk/graduates A career worth aspiring to

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Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/food [email protected] FOOD & DRINK 25 A Slice of the Action » George Grist goes all the way to Naples to find his perfect pizza

To eat great food is a pleasure, for over 130 years. Even now it but to enjoy great food in its orig- largely escapes the attention of inal surroundings made to the the tourists who head straight for highest possible standards is out- the Circumvesuviana railway on standing. If you’re looking for their way to Pompeii, Sorrento outstanding pizza, forget and the Amalfi Coast, but those Domino’s and Pizza Hut – what’s who brave the cluttered streets more, forget Pizza Express and and kamikaze moped-drivers are all those other pretenders: to richly rewarded. taste the very best pizzas in the The heady smell of yeast, hot world, head straight to the heart- dough and smoke from the ovens land of Italy’s social and cultural filters out into the street, which, underbelly, Naples. come dinner-time is inevitably Eschewing Rome’s (inferior) thin lined with a queue of noisy, impa- and crispy base, the thick, wood- tient Neapolitans, putting the fired Neapolitan pizzas are typi- world to rights in the way that cally and most authentically only Italians can. When you go in, made with San Marzano toma- don’t even think about ordering toes from the fertile farmland an extra-cheesy Meat Feast; the south of Vesuvius and Mozzarella Neapolitans aren’t too keen on di Bufala made from the milk of polluting their pizzas with too the regional water buffaloes. To be many toppings, subscribing to the As for size, if you’ve got this far already, it’d be churlish not to order extra large

age-old adage “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” You’ve got two choices of pizza: Mozzarella (the classic), and Marinara, with its tomato and garlic base, so named because the ingredients kept well during Above: the the long sea voyages. As for size, if Amalfi Coast, you’ve got this far already, it’d be the birthplace churlish not to order extra large. of the pizza To wash it all down, there’s no la- and Da di-dah wine list or any of that Michele. The rubbish: it’s Peroni beer, Coke, place that water or nothing at all. So grab a does it best seat at one of the communal recognised as a “vera pizza napo- tables, throw your order at a letana”, the cooking must be car- passing waiter and hope it sticks. ried out to an almost absurdly Three minutes later, the colossal extensive list of specifications pizza arrives, sizzling hot from (especially in light of the cavalier the scorching oven. It’s just slight- attitudes which the Italians seem ly charred round the edges, and to show towards their cooking), the molten golden brown cheese including separate final tempera- bubbles and pops in the middle. tures for the dough, oil, tomatoes The blood red tomatoes and the and mozzarella. few sprigs of fresh basil make up When in Naples, take your pick the three colours of the Italian from the myriad “pizzerie” on flag, “la bandiera”. And on top of show – you’ll get a fabulous meal this explosion of colour, the taste wherever you go. But if you really is absolutely out of this world. As want to experience Neapolitan the knife and fork drop on the pizza as it’s meant to be, head for empty plate, you know that you Da Michele. It’s a distinctly might just have had the best meal unimpressive building, in the of your life. heart of the slightly shabby, seedy old town, and it’s been Da Michele serving a mostly local clientele Via C. Sersale 1/3, Naples, Italy

Fashion editors: Olivia Johnson and Rosanna Falconer Friday January 19 2007 26 FASHION Email: [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion FLUORESCENT FLASHFORWARD »Ignore the sober trends lying on the sales racks and make a resolution to tackle the unknown: neon brights for girls and big bags for boys. New year, new look.

Laura M wears dress, £25 at Dorothy Perkins. Vest (just seen), £15 at Oasis. Anna wears leggings, £18 at American Apparel. Jumper, £45 at Rellik. Shoes, £350 at Prada. Laura F wears dress, £30 at www.asos.com. Ali wears leggings, £25 at American Apparel. Dress, £25 at www.asos.com. Vest (just seen), £10 at Pimkie. Ellie wears dress, £25 at Dorothy Perkins. Photographed by Debbie Scanlan at Newnham College. Styled by Rosanna Falconer and Olivia Johnson.

Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] FASHION 27

IN THE BAG? » Boys, do you groan when your girlfriend obsesses over the latest “it” bag? Watch out, you might be next... Varsity fashion investigates the rise of the man bag FOR AGAINST The man bag. It’s not the briefcase your The satchel, the briefcase, the ruck- father carries to work. It’s not the sack… you’re either a schoolboy, a holdall in which you haul around your dodgy dealer or a foreign exchange sports kit. And it’s certainly not the student. You just can’t win with the rucksack reminiscent of schooldays and man bag. camping holidays. The man bag shares The Michelin-man style bulging pock- the practicality of the aforementioned, ets caused by fitting a boy’s life into his but has that additional aesthetic advan- trousers may have brought many a tage. In leather or canvas, with a clasp Cambridge male to consider an alterna- or buckle, it is capable of conveying all tive method. But the man bag, with all male gubbins as well as those books to its effeminate connotations, is not the be returned to the library, acting as a remedy. Hanging scruffily from your perfect combination of style and func- shoulder or getting caught in your bike tion. Boys, do away with the outdated wheels whilst trying to cruise along preconceptions that a bag is solely a King’s Parade: it can’t help but ruin woman’s accessory. Simple yet effective, your cool. the man bag is square, tough and mas- The sartorial error is even spreading culine. Call it a “macho satchel” instead. to the continent – my sighting last week European males have been sporting of a Parisian gent sporting Yves Saint the manbag for aeons whilst retaining Laurent’s super-size Muse bag proved their swaggering masculinity and, at the phenomenon is reaching the It-bag last, the British reluctance to accept the snobbery of the fairer sex. Be afraid, be trend is diminishing. High-end fashion very afraid. is driving from the top, with Mulberry But boys, how much do you really producing the sumptuous Alfie bag, the need to carry with you? Wallet, iPod very name evoking the alpha male and mobile are surely the limit? It is a rather than the effeminate whimsy. girl’s prerogative to lug around three So, ditch the self consciousness, master shades of lip gloss, two copies of Vogue that bag-wielding attitude and charge and at least one change of heels but around Cambridge feeling slick and boys should be more restrained. You’ll sophisticated, casting a withering cause us all to fret over just what exact- glance at those boys still hauling their ly your bag contains… geeky tomes, ille- possessions around in their bulging gal substances, a change of heels? pockets. Either way it’s excess baggage.

Olivia Johnson Rosanna Falconer

TRADITIONALIST BAGS HIMSELF A WINNER » Harry Hewlett empties his pockets, adopts his most macho stance and hits the town with a man bag

I have to confess that, despite the best possibly want efforts of my sisters, there are quite a with you – few things about girls that I don’t books, newspa- really get. pers, pens, Why do they never order pudding at a jumpers – no won- restaurant but always end up eating all der girls’ rooms are of mine? Why does eating two half bis- so tidy. I also found cuits mean less calories than eating one that having a man- bag has the added advantage that ‘You can take you can wear it, everything you could unlike a back- pack, without possibly want with you people thinking no wonder girls’ rooms (or perhaps more honestly are so tidy.’ for me, realis- ing) you are a whole one? And most of all, why do bit of a nerd. they always lug bags around with The only them? Seems very silly when the other problem now is half of the population can make do that I should with pockets. probably go and Fortunately having spent a day with buy one. a very manly, if studded, man-bag I am Shopping for beginning to understand why they bags, hmm…. I Left: Extra bright, extra insist on it. This bag proved to be bril- really am energy liant. You can take everything you could becoming a girl. No one does cinema like

grafton centre • cambridge

Friday 19 Jan to Thurs 25 Jan SYLVESTER STALLONE RETURNS as ROCKY BALBOA (12a)(2h05) Late 22.50 (NFT) Daily 10.30 (Sat/Sun Only) MISS POTTER (PG) (1h55) (NFT) Daily 13.00 15.30 18.00 20.30 Fri/Sat 13.30 16.00 18.50 21.00 Late 23.00 HAPPY FEET (U) (2h10) Daily Sat/Sun BRAD PITT and CATE Only 10.10 12.40 BLANCHETT in BABEL (15) EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH (12a) (2h45) (NFT) Daily 10.40 (Sat/Sun (2h10) Daily 10.00 (Sat/Sun Only) 12.20 Only) 13.40 16.40 19.50 Fri/Sat 14.50 Late 23.10 APOCALYPTO (18) (2h40) Fri/Sat Late 23.20 FLUSHED AWAY (U) (1h45) Sat/Sun THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS (12a) Only 10.05 (2h20) (NFT) Daily 12.00 14.40 17.20 PERFUME (15) (2h50) Fri/Sat Late 20.00 Fri/Sat Late 22.40 23.15 SMOKIN' ACES (18) (2h10) (NFT) NODDY AND THE ISLAND ADVEN- Daily 17.30 20.10 Fri/Sat Late 22.40 TURE (U) (1h) Sat Only 10.30 THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (15) (2h25) (NFT) Daily 12.30* (Not Sun) Subtitled screening: THE LAST KING 15.20* 18.15* (Not Tues) 21.10* OF SCOTLAND (15) (2h25) (NFT) NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM (PG) (2h10) Sunday 21st January 12.30* Daily 10.20 (Sun Only) 13.10 15.40 Tuesday 23rd January 18.15* 18.20 (Not Tues) 20.50 *Audio description is available on these performances – CASINO ROYALE (12a) (2h50) Daily please ask at the Box Office for details 12.50 (Not Sat/Sun) 16.10 19.30 Fri/Sat book now on 08712 240 240 or online at www.myvue.com

visit the all-new varsity. co.uk Friday January 19 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT & PUZZLES 29

Different shades of Blue Gamblers »Varsity examines what it takes Unanimous Joe Powell and Oscar Brodkin Welcome back to Gamblers the way. We therefore take Hatton one of the best amateur players in the minor sports have an equal heritage Unanimous. We hope you all punt- to win on points at the mouth- SIMON ALLEN world and they consistently top the like the Real Tennis Club opened in ed responsibly over the festive watering price of 9/5 (2.8 on national tables. It seems the size of a 1877, the Ice Hockey Club was found- period. Although global warming Betfair). £14 should do the trick. The Blues committee is to have a sport does not matter either. Maybe a ed in 1885 and the Polo Team started may have ruined the white For the ‘long shot’, we are stak- review of all half-blue sports in the sport should be valued by how much in 1873. With such heritage it would be Christmas market, the highlights ing £3 to win on Oneway in the near future. However, according to time is committed to it: the a travesty if either sport was ever to included the Boxing Day footy Victor Chandler Chase, which their members, this is no cause for Cambridge Men’s Ice hockey team be neglected by the university, and the bonanza and the traditional bookies takes place at 1.45pm on Saturday alarm for minority sportsmen as they spend 14 hours a week training, trav- fact that these minor sports retain New Year’s specials (lump on Wills at the newly refurbished Ascot. are more concerned about letting elling and playing matches whilst the their sporting prowess further and Kate to wed in 2007 at 3-1). Oneway finished second to the sports into the half-blue fold rather Fives team invest up to 20 hours a strengthens their case for continued Varsity rugby was another prof- excellent Voy Por Usteded at than weeding them out. With sports week playing their sport, quite sub- full university support. itable experience, with a comfort- Kempton last time out, and will such as Gaelic Football, Triathlon and stantial time commitment. So, it would seem that the level of able Cambridge victory paying for have to shoulder top weight, but at Marathon Running vying for half-blue skill, commitment, participation and our drinks long into the night. odds of 8/1 (9 on Betfair), it cannot status, it is felt that there has to be a heritage define a blue or half-blue Aside from that, our tipping in this be ignored. consolidation and rationalization to sport’s worth. How do the newcomers paper last term left us twenty-five The ‘porters’ tip’ goes to the find out exactly the sporting level of compare to this? My initial reaction is quid in arrears, so it is now our job NFL playoffs where Peyton the current blue and half-blue sports, to encourage as many sports as possi- to get you back in the black, and us Manning and the Colts host the in order to properly assess the new- ble and giving them a blue status back on speaking term with the big New England Patriots. With home comers’ bids. would no doubt do that, but there is cheeses at betfair.com field advantage and the best quar- But this is an incredibly difficult obviously a limit. A university blue or Poker has been prominent in the ter-back in the NFL, we think the thing to do. How do you assess a half blue retains significant prestige news this week. The High Court Indianapolis Colts will win by a sport’s worth? Is it perhaps the num- largely because they are so difficult to ruling that it is a game as much margin of 7-12 points which is ber of student participants, or maybe earn and in part because of their his- about luck as skill, threatens our available on Betfair at 3/1 (4.1). Our their student support? Rugby and tor; new sports have to overcome this. favourite card club in London. We final £3 of the week goes on that. rowing immediately come to mind Extending the blue sports too far fundamentally disagree with the when I think of the huge crowds at the would certainly diminish their status. decision, but were able to turn our Running total: -£25.50 Boat Race and Twickenham Varsity Real Tennis: a half Blue sport? Saying this also does not deny minori- attention to the online game where match. Perhaps it’s how well a sport ty sportsmen all recognition consider- Joe scored big late last Sunday. The Bank Job does at BUSA (British University Furthermore, there are certain ing that anyone can be granted a dis- Competing against a field of 2,500 Hatton to win on points. Sporting Association)? This can have sports that deserve to be supported cretionary blue. According to Tim entrants, he managed to turn his Stake: £14 nothing to do with how many students by the Blues Committee regardless of Murray on the Blues Committee “If $24 qualifying ticket into a healthy participate or support the sport: not their participation, support or success. you are good enough at any sport, lit- $380 profit. The Long Shot that many people know about Cambridge is a university steeped in erally any sport, you can get a discre- The ‘bank job’ this week we fol- Oneway in the Victor Chandler Cambridge’s Eton Fives team’s suc- history and tradition and so are its tionary blue from the Committee.” If low Ricky ‘The Hit Man’ Hatton to Stake: £3 cess over the last few years, not least sports. The boat race has been going the newcomers can match the level set Vegas for the IBF world title that they are National University since 1829, the Rugby Varsity match by the current blue sports then they against Juan Urango. The latter is The Porters’ Tip Champions. A similar case could be since 1872. They are some of the best should earn recognition, but we must no slouch, remaining undefeated Colts win by 7-12 points put for Cambridge’s Real Tennis. known examples of traditional remember that the existing level and will surely push Hatton all Stake: £3 Their team includes David Woodman Cambridge sports but many of the remains fairly formidable. Games and puzzles

18. Compensation regarding robe (7) COMPETITION Varsity crossword no. 460 20. Corrosive accountant is cut out Win a pair of tickets to the Arts Picturehouse (7) Re-arrange the letters by rotating the Kakuro 112345677 discs to create six separate six-letter Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 21. Donkey faced Queen; old king the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never words leading in to the centre. Email use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur grabbed it for the pot! (9) your answer to: in the same row in a separate run). 8 9 23. Main supply-line for a golden [email protected] army? (5) 3 17 19 3 4

10 911 P 24. Nell looks back to the east to 11 13 see her (5) O 10 25. Fools trot foolishly at pouffe (9) L 26. Second rites in French dis- R P R 8 9 12 12 13 T E U 24 played obscurity (13) L S N

R D E L 12 L R 10 14 DOWN 6 E 2. Void I fed one into to be invali- S E 9 14 15 16 17 I R E B dated (9) B E 6 4 8 A R 3. He prophesied Human destruc- E 6 6 19 20 R tion (5) F C A 4. Came in as reed net failed (7) 15 5

18 19 20 U 5. Receding waters swept Debbie S © Adam Edelshain 21 away with Tim’s head (7) 6. Bride’s possessions philosopher put on tabletop (9) Sudoku Hitori 21 22 23 The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more than once 7. Sounds like she’s a low point (5) condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the digits per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or 1 through 9 exactly once. vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single 8. Mad to no longer be a rolling continuous area. stone (13) 24 25 9. Unique place in blearier sur- 4 1 9 6 7 8 5 2 5 1 7 3 7 4 7 roundings (13) 5 9 1 22 15. Run to the East - simplifies to 1 2 4 6 3 3 5 that (9) 4 31 26 17. Well known that common sense 7 5 3 1 2 2 6 with nothing added subdues lively 2 4 1 9 riot (9) ACROSS 12. Hatred sparked when i’m mixed 19. Ate quickly whilst mocked (7) 7 5 6 1 7 3 4 6 5 3 1. It’s tedious to make Eastern with duo (5) 20. Smoke of revolutionary origin 8 3 7 5 string in tune (13) 13. Replace article with interest (7) 3 5 6 5 1 7 4 10. What the dark side think of the compounded (9) 22. Make voles do puzzle (5) 6 light? (9) 14. Was last partner Edward? (7) 23. Sounds like our lad’s fire-raising (5) 2 4 2 7 2 6 3 11. Command for headless, con- 16. Gull in meadow, confused and ©Mathmo 9 7 5 fused Leftie (5) unending (7) 5 4 7 1 8 3 9 6 6 5 2 5 7 1 4

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Got a sports story? Friday January 19 2007 30 SPORT Call us now on 01223 353422 varsity.co.uk/sport

CAPTAIN’S Two universities, one trip, any snow? CORNER »As 1400 students hit the slopes, Cambridge lose out in the Varsity races Men’s Boxing PERSEPHONE BRIDGMAN-BAKER The Varsity Trip, the official Ski and Snowboard Trip of Oxford and Cambridge Universities, is one of the largest UK student ski trips. Each year eight brave, multi-tasking, admin efficient compulsives make up the committee that takes over 1400 students to Les Deux Alpes, France. The trip preparation takes a year’s worth of work, althoug the trip only costs £289. The first week proved ideal for Ed Andrews race training due to the lack of snow lower on the mountain. Glacier runs How did it feel to win your first were open and in top condition, with Varsity Rugby Match in front of sunburnt noses returning from the the Twickenham crowd? slopes by the end of day two. At this The whole experience was stage, snow conditions for the main undoubtedly the highlight of my week were looking touchy, but a sporting career and I felt extreme- snowfall before the ‘Best of Both’ 10- ly privileged to be a part of it - not dayers arrived that sealed the suc- only because of the occasion, but cess of the resort. More snow before due also to the fact that I was play- the arrival of the main weekers ing with a lot of very good friends. tipped Deux Alpes as the only To win was obviously fantastic, hav- European resort with good condi- ing worked all year for it I can’t tions and open runs. The Committee’s imagine what it would have felt like snow dances had clearly paid off. to lose. The main week can be one of first Last year you won a Boxing Blue lifts up and last lifts down, long and this year captained the Light leisurely lunches, or just a blur. But Blue Squad. When can we next for many, the focus of the week is the see Oxford and Cambridge in Varsity Races, where the prime competition? skiers from both universities pit This year is the 100th Varsity themselves against each other in a Boarders and Skiers alike enjoyed great conditions in the Alps ED HO Boxing Match, and is being held at culmination of the preceding week’s the spiritual home of British training. Time trials help the race tion, won by Lomax Ward. rewards for their achievement. The throughout the week, with bar Amateur Boxing, York Hall, in captains select their teams, with For the less serious racers, the afternoon was tremendously support- crawls, themed nights and pub Bethnal Green, East London. It will Pembroke’s Rachel Nordby standing Adidas Cuppers Event was the per- ed, and ended with vin chaud and a quizzes to ensure students were kept take place on Thursday 8th March, out as the fastest woman and ahead fect showground for college ski talent. BBQ down in resort with the Airbag amused off the slopes. The wounded with tickets on sale shortly. of the majority of the male racers. With Downing claiming the providing much entertainment and traipsing through the Varsity Office How easy is it to combine playing The races this year were hotly con- Cambridge Top Spot, their team was practice for the Big Air Competition. varied from broken wrists (“I fell off two sports at such a high level? tested particularly in the women’s kitted out in Adidas ski goggles as Similar partying continued the pole in that club”) to torn liga-

Its obviously demanding in terms of events, with only less than half a sec- M ments (“my knee popped out but I I K

training, but I think that it is not too ond dividing the 1st teams after the E carried on skiing anyway”), and there D

difficult to fit it in around academia first day. Oxford’s men had the O ought to have been some frostbite W

and still be successful, as long as advantage of highly experienced rac- L after the number of complaints about I N

you manage your time well. ers, whilst Lomax Ward and Evan G naked skiing during the notorious What are the Light Blues’ boxing Scouros performed for Cambridge in Valley Rally. The top prize of the iPod chances at this year’s Varsity? the Slalom and Giant Slalom respec- Nano for this event was well – if jeal- The team is not only shaping up tively. The final result of both the ously – received, and the day was fin- very well, with a number of return- men’s and women’s swayed in ished off with the Gatecrasher event, ing ‘Blues’ and new, experienced Oxford’s favour, but strong held dramatically at Opera. boxers coming in, but everyone is Cambridge sides skied hard and Hangovers and melting snow extremely determined to avenge prominent efforts should be noted. In meant that stash-sporting bodies the defeat of 2006. Hopefully the other competitions, Maria Opanova filled most of the bars and restau- Bowring Bowl will be returning to scored highly to win first place in the rants Deux Alpes had to offer, before Cambridge at the end of it. Women’s Big Air, with Paul Esparon that dreaded coach ride home. jumping well in the Combi competi- Blues rugby team victorious in tight and hard fought game

CONTINUED FROM BACK PAGE front row had provided all match, the for Oxford, had a pretty flawless but Light Blues called a number eight uninspiring game, but for most of the pick up. Oxford defended well, but Player time seemed to be one step ahead of good quick recycling saw the ball stay his backline. Countless times, basic handling errors ensured promising Ratings Dark Blue attacks came to nothing. In “sensing victory addition, the Cambridge back line and back row, lead by an outstanding dis- Cambridge 1 Richard Schwikkard 6/10 play from Joe Ansbro, defended every moved in for the 2 Joe Clark...... 8/10 line as though it were the try line. 3 Jon Dawson...... 8/10 It was Ansbro who ignited the build up to Cambridge’s second try in kill.” 4 John Blaikie ...... 8/10 the last fifteen minutes. Receiving 5 Mike Harfoot ...... 6/10 the ball on the burst he broke round in the pack as Captain John Blaikie 6 Nathan Johnson ...... 7/10 Roff on the inside and made a great barged over the line on the seventy- 7 Dave O’Brien...... 7/10 break up the wing. Oxford shifted ninth minute to take Cambridge a 8 Ed Andrews...... 7/10 onto the back foot and, sensing victo- converted try ahead. 9 Ross Blake ...... 8/10 ry, Cambridge moved in for the kill. The score remained 15-6 in 10 Jonny Ufton ...... 6/10 On the thirty-fifth minute, Blake, Cambridge’s favour sealing a solid tri- 11 Dan Stewart ...... 6/10 switching from inside to outside half, umph for the Light Blues in the 125th 12 Steffan Thomas ...... 7/10 kicked for touch from a penalty. The Varsity match. Outstanding defence Light Blue pack won the lineout well and a strong workmanlike display 13 Joe Ansbro ...... 9/10 and set up a maul. Oxford gave away from the tight five, secured a substan- 14 David Tibbot...... 7/10 another penalty on the five metre line tial victory over an error strewn Dark 15 Hamish Murray ...... 6/10 and Cambridge elected to take the Blue side that never really managed John Blaikie takes home the spoils SOPHIE PICKFORD scrum. Using the solid base that the to find the tempo to compete. Friday January 19 2007 Got a sports story? varsity.co.uk/sport Call us now on 01223 353422 SPORT 31

Sports Hare and hounds romp home Round Up »Cambridge run Oxford into ground in light Blue storm Results

Men’s Rugby Blues vs. Oxford University Won 15-6.

Cross Country Cambridge Hare & Hounds vs. Oxford University Won.

Ice Hockey Men’s Blues vs. Zuos School Lost 5-7.

Women’s Hockey Blues vs. Cambridge City Lost 1-2.

Upcoming Fixtures Cambridge started strongly from the off, with both teams going on to dominate their competition PHIL SCARD

CUH&H Hon. Secretary Lee Harper into the 116th Varsity Match. placer Charlotte Forbes. Harriet OWAIN BRISTOW & LEIKA and fresher John Redshaw, led the II The Ladies 4 mile event began with Owles closed the team in sixth place, GOONERATNE team to a Cambridge victory. the customary steady start, until sweeping past several tiring Dark Rugby In the men’s IIIs race, Ali Connell, Cambridge athletes Day and Polly Blues, meaning all four winning team This year Cambridge played host to usually safer on track, risked re-injur- Keen took up the running, whilst the members were awarded full Blues. Men’s Blues vs. Durham both the II-IVs and I’s cross-country ing himself on the cross-country rest of the field bunched tightly Taking strength from the inspiring Varsity Matches, at Wandlebury course to be the first runner home for behind them. Keen, making her sight just witnessed, Cambridge’s University Country Park and Wimbledon Cambridge, followed by Andy Bell. men went into their 7.5 miler with 20th January, Common respectively. Cambridge Despite the inspiring force of Chris confidence, determined to finish the came away victorious in both. Morris as IV’s captain and an “the only fresh- job that had been started the previous Grange Road. In the II-IV’s races, Cambridge extremely close final score of 543-547, week at Wandlebury. won overall despite a slow start. The a solitary Oxford runner gave them er to win a Blues Paolo Natali and Will George hun- home university lost the women’s IIs the edge. The first three places had grily took the front, attacking and only Tricia Peters - last year’s Cambridge’s name on them. Ed race in the last Oxonian Jon Blackledge, last year’s Hockey first Cambridge woman at the Blues’ Dickins hung back in the first couple winner, who was suffering from an race - broke into the top 5. The of laps reserving his energy to over- decade” early-season injury. Natali’s ferocious Men’s Blues women’s IIIs levelled the ground take the leaders only at the very end surge at halfway eventually gave vic- vs. Chelmsford II though with some strong running and win the race. After taking much tory by thirty seconds in 38:39 and is from freshers Liz Howse and Sabrina of the head wind, Alex Gaastra and debut, finished strongly in 24:59 with the first Cambridge man to win since 20th January Verjee who gained the top two posi- Charlie Pitt-Ford had to settle with a five second margin, to be the only 1998. George hung onto second, up tions. A pack of nine Cambridge run- second and third places respectively. fresher to win a Blues race in the last three places on last year, whilst ex- ners claiming every place between With a final score of 3-2 to decade. Harvard runner James Kelly 10th and 18th position, easily clinch- Cambridge, the scene was set for an The battle raged hard in the wake returned home in 5th for Cambridge. Ice Hockey ing the 173-136 victory. exciting Blues match the following of the first two down the home The excellent packing of Owain With the scores tied at one win week, on Saturday December 2 at straight, with only twelve seconds Bristow, Matt Armstrong and Matt Men’s Blues vs. each, it was now the men’s turn to Wimbledon Common. Captain Claire separating positions three to nine. Grant resulted in 8th, 9th and 10th, Birmingham University prove themselves. In the men’s II Day, along with Men’s Captain Will Day dug deep to regain her third sealing the team victory for the first race Ulrich Paquet displayed some George, lead two of the most powerful place, within touching distance of the time since 2003 and Blues receipts 20th January (Away) experienced running and, along with and promising teams of recent years funnel, from Varsity 5000m second- thanks to true team work. vs. Southampton 26th January (Home).

The Varsity Vase Men’s Football Blues vs. Aston University, Cup competitions are always excit- 2001, and possibly the 2005 final when express a little worry about the hoped, the big boys 23rd January (Away). ing, particularly because sometimes, Manchester United dominated but Varsity Vase this year. My two are still there. ARU just sometimes, the underdog causes Arsenal nicked it on penalties. On cup favourites thus far, St Catz III and beat Caius IV 13-1, an upset. Every now and again final day, neutrals want to see two ARU III, are both in the top half of while St Catz scraped past Trinity Wrexham beats Arsenal and every- teams in a tight contest with the bet- the draw and I’m not sure anyone in Hall 5-4. Churchill are out but their one says, “aren’t the cup competi- ter team on the day taking the trophy the bottom half can really put up a league form is so poor that their Women’s Lacrosse tions great”. Yet the difference home. Knowing the winner before the strong enough fight to make a good Division 5 status is under threat. Blues vs. Loughborough between an exciting cup competition final has kicked off can ruin the day. final. St John’s and Fitz both forgot to The remaining results from the and a great one is huge. Cups are In 2004, Millwall made it to the enter the competition and now last 16 are as follows: University, 24th January defined by their finals and not final, and while there was a media Queen’s have beaten Churchill, who (Away). because the big boys are humbled frenzy and a big build up, they had a chance of challenging ARU. Girton v Bye, Pembroke 6-0 Clare, every now and again. weren’t good enough to deliver a com- Caius and Jesus could make it inter- Queen’s 4-3 Churchill, Homerton 3-1 The best cup finals in recent years petitive cup final. The anticlimax was esting if they play extremely well, Trinity, Downing 2-5 Jesus, Caius have been Liverpool v West Ham in inevitable and immensely frustrating. but I’m more than a little concerned. III 7-2 Christs 2006, maybe Arsenal v Liverpool Therefore you will excuse me if I The last 16 are now 8, and as I’d

Friday January 19 2007 varsity.co.uk/sport Cross Country Half Blues Cambridge Dominate What does it SPORT Page 31 take? Page 29 Blaikie seals gritty victory for Blues in war of attrition »Strong forwards display secures bragging rights for Cambridge

TOM MARRIOTT Chief Sports Editor

Cambridge 15 Oxford 6

It was not pretty, it was not easy, but in the black and blue world of the Varsity Match it was more than enough. As had been expected, this year’s game was a tightly fought, tense encounter. Whilst Cambridge took the lead early and held it throughout, Oxford gave little quar- ter, denying Cambridge the opportu- nity to play the kind of rugby that had allowed last year’s entertaining sec- ond half rout. This was always going to be a tighter, more attritional match. The last minute withdrawal of David Akinluyi from the team sheet, on the recommendation of the Joint Blues Committee, perhaps sealed the nature of the game. This followed Dark Blue complaints concerning specific triviali- ties in his residency criteria. The loss of Akinluyi certainly helped to lessen the Light Blues attacking edge out wide, but if Oxford had hoped that the loss of one player would facilitate the team’s collapse they were sorely mistaken. Cambridge responded shrewdly, keep- ing the game in the tight, letting the forwards make the gains, and using the back line sparingly but intelligently. The kick off was preceded by the traditional curtain raiser of the U.21’s Varsity Match. A more mouth-water- ing appetiser could not have been asked for. Cambridge went into the final minute of normal time trailing, only to score a try on the 80th minute taking the score line to 12-11 in their favour. Oxford then countered impressively in what little injury time remained, working their way into a kickable position before taking a drop goal attempt. Farcically, the attempt rebounded off the cross bar and back into play; In the lead up to the final Light Blue try Cambridge’s inspirational number 13, Joe Ansbro, makes a break down the wing SOPHIE PICKFORD Cambridge attempted to clear to touch but failed. Oxford seized the brief period of end to end kicking fol- The pressure paid off as Cambridge acteristic and unlucky turn Jonny binds early. The referee, having opportunity and were lucky enough lowed as the two teams nervously won a penalty within kicking distance Ufton struck the ball badly, barely warned them once already, immedi- to win a penalty in front of the posts. searched for an attacking rhythm. on the eleventh minute. In an unchar- clearing the ground with the attempt. ately granted Cambridge the penalty In the 84th minute of play the Dark The nerves came to a head as tem- The Dark Blues failed to clear and try. Ufton duly converted. Blue U.21s converted their penalty to pers flared for the first time on the five minutes later Ufton had another For most of the middle third of the win 14-12. eight minute mark. A scrap following Varsity opportunity. A more difficult kick, he game the Dark Blues attacked relent- With the stage well and truly set, some ill advised use of the elbow in struck it sweeter but unfortunately lessly. For their efforts they were the teams emerged shortly before the maul ended in Cambridge No. 8, sent it just wide. rewarded with two converted penal- 2.00pm to a rapturous reception from Ed Andrews, and Oxford lock, Dylan Skiing However, he more than made up for ties, whilst Cambridge’s David Tibbot the waiting crowd of over 41,000. Alexander, being sent to the Sin Bin it minutes later when he sent a superb added just one, bringing the score to Winning the toss, Oxford started the for ten minutes. Fortunately, this loss Cambridge and kick out of hand into touch on Oxford’s 10-6. However hard they tried they game inauspiciously with a long mis- seemed to focus the Light Blues, five metre line. Cambridge piled on seemed unable to put together the directed kick into touch. Cambridge whilst leaving the Dark Blues panick- Oxford do battle on the pressure at the line out forcing phases required to get over for the elu- won the ensuing line out well. After ing. A period of sustained Cambridge basic errors as the Dark Blues tried to sive try. Joe Roff, the much talked failing to clear initially, the Light pressure followed; smart lines, pace the slopes and in the clear their lines. Cambridge were about Australian playing in the centres Blues made good use of a penalty to and good kicking out of hand kept the awarded a scrum on the five. Oxford, pin Oxford back into their own half. A pressure firmly in the Oxford half. bars Page 30 desperate to avoid a try, broke their CONTINUED ON PAGE 30 Saw the game? Read the report? Think you could write it? [email protected]