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Literary Editor Art Editor Brian Fugate Tom Podejko

Literary Advisor Art Advisor Frank Edmund Smith Paul Andrew E. Smith

Literary Judges Art Judges Anjelica Honeycutt Amber Abboud Ali Zaidi Chris Cutch Guy Landgraf Charen Linder Cover Art John Lech

AJt� f./.� �A>f./. /.1fAf iff l>�Af./.... acrylics 30 x 20 Bridget Bartholomae

Professional Services John Callahan, Photography Vis-0-Graphic Printing, Inc., Printing

Point of View, a publication of literary and visual creative works, is selected, edited and produced by students. Anyone-student, faculty, staff, administration-connected to Harper College may submit their work. Sponsored by Student Activities, William Rainey Harper College in cooperation with the Liberal Arts Division. Cash awards for outstanding writing and art funded by The Harper College Foundation. Special thanks to John Callahan, Harley Chapman, Richard Johnson, Cathy Lindstrom, Kurt Neumann, Jeanne Pankanin, Tony Trigilio, Andrew Wilson, Joan Young.

Copyright © 1999 William Rainey Harper College 1200 West Algonquin Road Palatine IL 60067 All rights to creative work belong to their respective creators.

Printed on recycled paper 0 Linda Baldwin Susan H. Chun * 28 Inside Out 13 Winding Up, Running Down

Bridget Bartholomae *** Clinton Harman cover and the earth holds its breath ... 21 That Damn Smile

Colleen Gentry Allison Herbon 4 Depth 3 Peacoat 36 Untitled

Roya Kashanian Buddy Hanson 25 Glass 9 Figures Emerging From The Clouds Represented With Symmetrical Shapes Steve Kim And Towers Composed Of Human Hands 31 Conversations With Spaceman 11 Human Hand Composed Of Worms Grasping An Apple David J. Marshall ** 5 Heliocentric Festus ],,. Johnson 20 Old School Player Debbie Pickup Ed Kowalczyk 37 Kameraden 27 Treppe Shannon Plate Guy Landgraff, Jr. 29 Untitled 42 Dance of Fire 30 Figure in Distress Bryan Weiss 10 Untitled Jennifer Lesiak 1 untitled

Owen Lloyd 19 Bubbles

Eugenia Makowski 2 Arch 26 Seven Pointed Star For Jessie 24 Twelve Fishermen And A Guide Winner of the Point of View Award* Winner of the Vivian Steward Award** George Voegel Winner of the Ray Mills Award*** 12 Emerging Knowledge

HARPER COLLEGE LIBRARY PAI i'Tl�IC , , 'rw11s 60067 untitled Photo 8x10 Jennifer Lesiak

•.' ll>e/. limestone Eugenia Makowski Allison Herbon

Lost inside its navy blue arms, two missing buttons, where they landed, I can only wonder ... The crashing seas of Vietnam, rolling green pastures of Portugal, through the chilly nights of Spain.

I can smell the memories in the thick wool, trapped within the lining, nested in the pockets, are stories of times past: A man lands on the moon, while a young sailor dances to the Stones, sharing a kiss with his would be wife.

The laughs and tears weaved inside of each single thread.

The worn and torn cuff that brushed against their clenched hands still lies ripped.

The floppy long lapels once beaded with sweat from a nervous sailor grasping a gold ring in his hand. and now.. it's my turn.

My chance to kiss the foreign air, and experience life in its immense arms. 1>1.,tlt photo 4x6 Colleen Gentry bouncing atoms and ideas in his brain coalesce, he attempted to vertically balance a black pencil on the polished desk, using the sharpened side. Each David J. Marshall effort failed, of course. The pink eraser falling one way, then the other, as if it I. were the bobbing head of someone Sitting in his Buick in a bitch of a jam trying to stay awake. Somewhere in his on the 1-90 inbound, Greg Kepler mind, Greg knew he could do it. If the air watched the crying jets on approach conditioning quit for one second, or the desperately trying to land at O'Hare Armani dick in the next office stopped International. It was a Bad Sun Day, the talking on the phone, or if gravity four hundred and sixty-third, according to surrendered its perpetual struggle for a the newsman on the crackling car radio. moment, a brief cease-fire, Greg knew it The angry Sun oscillated, alternating was possible. He released the pencil. It between bright and dim, large and small, fell, rolled to the edge of the desk, and pushing and then pulling the sleek metal then dropped, hitting the hard floor airships. musically, bouncing exactly four times. The first jet, a small Jetstream 31, Wendel walked into Greg's office Greg watched struggle through what without knocking and quickly closed the looked like icing conditions. The nose door. "Where the fuck have you been? sank too quickly, the left wing skidded My God, what the fuck. Three damn and sparked on the cement, igniting the weeks, Greg. What the fuck?" fuel almost instantly. The explosion was Greg sat calmly, knowing Wendel anti-climactic, like ripe watermelon needed him. Wendel wiped the sweat dropped by a clumsy grocer, thudding from his balding forehead. Greg smiled, and splashing to a clean floor. remembering Wendel's shaggy brown The next, a DC-10, Greg watched head of hair back in '67 right out of vibrate in midair, as an engine and pylon college at that recruitment seminar for separated from the immense left wing the NTSB. like leaves from a branch. The giant Wendel sighed, calming himself. rolled, colliding almost perpendicular with "You have to do this one, Greg. This is a the ground, a stellar flash outshining the big one. You've heard about the Sun, the sonic blast shaking six lanes of Mid-east Commuter crash?" cars on the freeway, causing Greg to "Yes," said Greg, "Are they all dead?" steady himself on the wheel. "Yes. Please, Greg. They're one of The last, a 747, hummed like a tenor our biggest clients. You've gotta do it. I god swooping down over the houses, don't know where you've been or what buildings and cars, trailing misty fuel. the hell is going on with you, but you've Greg closed his eyes as it passed over just gotta." him, imagining silver metal growing black "I'll need to see the site," Greg said, feathered wings and red eyes, then standing up and straightening his black swallowing itself in fire, flinging one pillar jacket. of white smoke, one black. "Thank God," said Wendel, rising, The burning Sun shook slightly, like a sighing again. "Thank God." bad comedian holds in laughter born of Greg looked at the floor and said, his own device. "But that's it Wendel ... l'm out, effective ·11. today." Greg Kepler sat in his corner office, waiting for his boss. Trying to let the Turning to the door, Greg walked out The cause of this crash was easy to of his office for the last time. find. Almost four years ago, the Sun Wendel stood alone, looking left to became jealous and angry, periodically right with his hand in his pocket like a increasing and decreasing its gravity: the man in an empty parking lot gripping his same exact day that Greg Kepler quit as keys, suddenly realizing his car has been chief investigator for the NTSB. Greg stolen. looked up at the pulsating sphere in the 111. orange sky and squinted. He thought of On the way to the site, Greg sat in how hard it was to find causes. Now it dead traffic and his thoughts drifted away just looked at him, at everyone, never from the killing Sun. He thought of the blinking. heaven, of the bed in Champaign with V. Later at the press conference Helen. No young women were named Greg left the podium; the reporters' Helen anymore, he thought, nor did they faces were sprinkled with tears. They launch a thousand ships. Greg tried to cried like new hungry birds finally being leave the bed of the small hotel after a fed. He answered the "what' and "how," week, getting as far as the front desk. and even the "who is responsible" with The heavy night auditor looked up from the ease of giving a child chocolate. his computer suspiciously, seeing Greg Because he knew the real question was stop and turn around. Greg knew then "why." Why were they torn away so that the Sun did not matter, and he quickly? Why does love have to die? walked back to room 128. He opened Why do things like this happen? the door without sound, slipped off his Knowing these, Greg appeased and shirt and pants quietly, and slid under the broke the most damaging inquisitors. sheets like a dolphin into water. Greg With each word, he lessened the dollar palmed her sleeping shoulder. With his impact on his client, each surviving family index finger, he made small circles members settling for one million instead around the nub of skin where her left arm of two, perhaps. He controlled the press used to be. room like a great conductor, raising his IV. hand, calling up sections to sing their As a spokesperson for Mammoth parts, and Greg would set them down, Insurance, Greg Kepler did not really knowing the answers they wanted. have authority or access to crash sites. Orbiting him like a sun, the reporters But he was a legend. asked questions of blame and justice, Now, he just walked like a stiff Jesus forgetting in the bare heat of his center. through the hot ash, pointing out burn Backstage, three interns in navy blue holes to NTSB investigators, telling them suits cried, staring at Greg Kepler, to mark the ground where bodies fell. He wa nting to follow him out the door. would tell the others what to look for, and Wendel, helpless as a mustached they would pick up and bag electrical man in a black hat at high noon, watched wires, scrape blood off of control panels Greg leave without saying good-bye . as he talked, write in their notepads. VI. Greg never had to interview Greg Kepler walked through his survivors. They all died for him. He used kitchen, unflinching, as Amanda cried to keep count, until ten years ago when and threw pots and pans at him. Most of Helen lived. It shouldn't have been them missed, passing harmlessly by like surprising, he knew, for there were plenty comets. Each one an expression, each of instances involving survivors. one glaring and burning.

6 He trotted up the stairs and Amanda On Saturday of the third week, Greg sat down on the plastic covered couch Kepler sat on the bed and tried to with her face in her hands screaming convince her, and himself, that he must about three weeks, cold dinners and go back for a while. Helen stood smiling, falling jets. Her curly black hair wrapped looking down on him. She was not in and out of her fingers as she listening, just shining, and he could not convulsed. hear his own words with her looking this After grabbing the papers he needed, way. So he bowed his head to shade Greg trotted down the stairs and out the himself from her. front door. He tried to use his cell phone, VIII. but the damn Sun, playing hell, fucked Greg remembered a similar moment up the signal, throbbing and flashing with Amanda. She wiped his fevered against the windshield of Greg's car. forehead with a cool, damp cloth. Greg Backing out and shifting into first, Kepler lay delirious, the moist cloth the Greg still felt Amanda's pull, her only feeling, her pale face the only thing twenty-year tug over him. The look of her he could see. white face buried in her own hands IX. entranced and almost lured him. But Now, ten years after Helen's crash in Helen's new gravity charmed him. The Chicago, Greg drove to Champaign in Champaign bed magnetized and the mid-afternoon Sun. He could see polarized. many cars stranded on the roadway. VII. ...of the heaven, of the bed in Electrical problems, he thought. Champaign... Sometimes he saw a fire-truck or an The bed was small for a queen. It ambulance whip by. He tried not to think was probably just a large single. The too much about Helen, but he kept hotel was not the best, but it was cleaner remembering her bloody face as a than most. Greg did not notice the seven-year old, lying in the bushes, not comforter's nasty green color until the making a sound, in the rain and darkness first morning, when the Sun came out. beside the burning plane. He came upon Some mornings they would not move. her suddenly, nearly an hour after the Greg could feel the world moving all crash when they had already stopped around outside the room, as if it were the looking for life among the 155 center. Greg would stare at the ceiling, passengers. She gripped her shoulder smiling and breathing. Then he would where her arm once was, one of her look at her pretending to be asleep. He white sneakers missing. She just looked stared at the indention in her shoulder at him, unblinking, and breathed. Greg where the skin sank into the socket. She called for one of the paramedics as he was so skinny, almost haggard and her picked her up and started running. He remaining arm was only skin and bone. handed her to a very tall man in white Greg wondered why she did not wear a and that was it. prosthetic arm, but he was glad she did It took many months for Greg and his not. The red scar started on her team to find the cause of the crash. It shoulder and went all the way up to her was electrical problems, not caused by cheek; he had traced it so many times an angry Sun, but from miscalculations with his lips. Her light brown hair fell on on a maintenance chart. her pale neck near her jugular, making Ten years ago she was gone in an Greg wonder if the metal had shifted just ambulance. Now he was on his way back a little more to the left, where would she to her. be right now.

' Three weeks ago, she came up to "What were you studying?" he asked. Greg while he was speaking at a seminar Helen took in a long breath. She let it on beginning in the public relations out slowly before speaking. industry at the university in Champaign. "Did you know they used to think "Do you remember me?" Helen Earth was the center of it all... I forget the asked. word for it." Do you remember me? Greg looked at her eyes as she X. stared up into the sky. His hand slid When Greg Kepler finally arrived at across her face feeling the scars and red the small hotel it was dark. He turned off blotches of youth. the car and sat for a moment. The Helen said, "Geocentric, that's onslaught of the Sun behind him, he it. ..that's it." breathed easier as his chest rose with Greg stood up and lifted her easily. air. He got out of the Buick and locked it. As he carried her, she kissed his ear Walking toward the small hotel, Greg lightly, her breath short and wispy like saw a figure near the dim blue lights of she was almost the pool. Helen called, "Greg ...Greg ...it's talking to him. She clung tight with her me, Greg." He walked to the gate and arm around his neck. He walked through raised the latch, swinging it open. the gate, leaving it open, up to the Helen's slight body lay spread on a deck heaven, to the bed in Champaign. chair in the dark, reclined, almost to the ? point of looking straight up. Greg moved On the other side of the Earth, the a nearby chair next to her and sat, fluxing Sun just began to rise, as people bending to kiss her cheek. She did not screamed and fires burned. Jet planes look at him, but smiled, running her only crashed and cell phones malfunctioned. hand through her hair, still looking almost The angry Sun would never surrender its straight up at the light points in the sky. perpetual struggle for a moment, never Each one a sun, or a galaxy of suns. be intimidated by the green fields, the Her textbooks lay toppled next to her blue ocean, poetry or the whisper-like chair: Astronomy, Strunk and White, kiss of a woman. Economics, and Public Relations.

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Blisters in the palm of your hand. Your strained back is holding on­ For that last mile, two or three? Dust settles at the bottom of your stomach, And dry tears vent your frustration. Lifting your eyes from the bottom of the lake, You peer through the sunset splashed orange, yellow, and red And it reminds you of tomorrow. The mist from the lake, hot coffee and fire. Nothing but a smile. . . . And out from your final hopes and wishes, is the land you've been dying to see. It rings like church bells on Sunday morning.

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10 " E�,s411s 16.0111t�.<� wood log carved l 8x3 7x26 George Voegel himself a cup of coffee. "A phobia of "''"''"S llf', yours, isn't it?" "I saw my share of them during high ert1t1tt1tS f>tw1t school-my dates always seemed to choose scary movies," she said while writing out her list of errands for that day. Susan H. Chun "And it's not a phobia, exactly. It's just that being terrified is not my idea of an Carter Higgins loved his wind-up entertaining escape. Besides, I have no clocks. No digital clocks, no timepieces problem, as it is, envisioning danger and dependent on electricity or battery-power gruesome death-my fearful imagination were allowed in his home. The wind-up needs no audiovisual assistance." Her clocks were so cheerful, he thought, with brow furrowed slightly as she opened the their round faces and big, easily readable refrigerator, her eyes surveying the numbers; they brightened up any room. contents. "Low-fat cream cheese ... turkey Most of all, he loved their loud ticking­ cold cuts ... more juice boxes," she the louder, the better. The ubiquitous muttered, adding to her list. "Anyway, ticking lent to his home the air of some re mind me again. Just what, exactly, do finely crafted, well-oiled network of you have against digital clocks?" machinery. In all, there were seven such Carter put down his coffee cup, clocks ticking away among the ultra­ splashing a little onto the countertop. modern furnishings and state-of-the-art "What, those useless things? That electronics in their Long Island home. It display only the hour and minutes? Why, was a small daily production, the winding they ignore seconds entirely-as though of the clocks. The plants went thirsty, the seconds do not even exist!" he huffed. lawn grew into wild jungles of grass and "Actually, you just press a button and weeds, but the clocks never ran down, switch modes when you want the never missed a beat-Carter made sure seconds. And I think most digital clocks of it. have a flashing colon that blinks for His wife, Emma, did not share his every second." enthusiasm for the wind-up clocks. She "You want me to stare at the clock found the loud ticking quite irritating­ and count the blinks every time I need to excruciating even, in that steady, know how many seconds have passed? relentless manner of Chinese water Really, Emma." torture. She hated how the ticking made "First of all, just what activity of yours the most leisurely of tasks seem necessitates counting the seconds? desperately urgent; sometimes she felt Secondly, given your time-sensitive flustered, rushed. "I feel like a doomed endeavors, wouldn't a stopwatch make coed in one of those teen slasher the most sense? If time is of the movies," Emma grumbled. "The essence, wouldn't you rather have the promiscuous twit who gets hacked to bits precision of a stopwatch?" by a hockey-mask-wearing psychopath Although Carter loved his wife a great simply because her trembling hands can't deal, he sometimes regretted marrying a slide the car key into the lock in time. A lawyer. Why do lawyers seem always to simple, quick task normally, but nearly preface and number-off their arguments impossible under pressure." with words like "secondly?" he wondered. "I thought you never watched horror And Emma's sentences were often flicks," Carter teased as he poured for littered with legalese-phrases like "time is of the essence ," for which lawyers while actually in the moment. It was his have a great affinity. way to anticipate a pleasure with great "You're missing the point, really. zeal-often to the point of obsession­ Wind-ups are quaint. They're ... only to detach himself a second after reassuring, don't you think?" he asked. attainment. Once attained, a pleasure "Reassuring? How? For puppies, immediately began to lose its hold over maybe-I've heard that puppies are him, replaced by a frenzied quest for the soothed by the ticking sound. It reminds next experience, another fleeting the puppy of the maternal heartbeat, sensation. Moments, both great and they say. Is that what you mean by small, simply did not cling to him. reassuring?" Emma's mouth twisted into Perhaps, he thought, that explains my a smile. "Is that it? Do you miss Mother affinity for these loudly ticking clocks; it's Higgins?" Emma was tireless on the my attempt to capture and savor each subject of quirky Eleanor Higgins, the moment. He smiled, first with a puffed-up psychologist who had pioneered the field sense of his philosophical bent, then with of gender development and the the realization that (as with many things psychology of sex roles. Carter had had during the course of their marriage) his an eccentric, "gender-neutral" stubborn and extreme fondness for the upbringing, providing Emma with much clocks was more a reaction against material to use at dinner parties and Emma's position than a passion other social occasions ("When Carter genuinely felt on merits. Marriage often was four, his mother gave him both a had a polarizing effect on his and her baseball bat and a pink purse for opinions, pushing each into rather Christmas," Emma blabbed to friends). extreme positions-one of the few Carter ignored Emma's remark about hazards, perhaps, of choosing a lawyer his mother and tried a different tack. "It's for one's spouse. very Zen, is what I mean. Every tick is life Carter had to admit (though only to affirming: Tick-you are here! Tick-you himself, of course) that even he found are still here! A constant reminder to live the loud ticking quite distracting at times. in the moment." It was Carter's turn to Reading was often difficult, sometimes smile sardonically. "You, Miss Yoga­ impossible. But, on those occasions, And-Meditation-Every-Morning-At-Five, I Carter simply found ways to muffle the would think would appreciate that. " ticking-another source of irritation for Emma just wrinkled her nose at him his wife, for she never knew just where and went upstairs to fetch Henry, their she would find a stashed clock. She had five-year-old son. It was Saturday­ found them buried in her underwear Henry's social calendar was always full drawer amid the folds of cotton and silk. on Saturdays (all Emma's doing) with One clock was hidden in the toe of her play-dates and lessons and other black-suede riding boot. Once , while miscellaneous activities thought to be preparing a dinner party, she had pulled good for developing brains. from the cupboard a ceramic pitcher and Is that really why I keep these rescued, just in time, a clock nearly wind-up clocks? Carter wondered. In drowned in sangria. At some point, principle, he approved of a life lived in Carter's habit stopped irritating Emma the moment. Certainly, he always had and became somewhat amusing instead. been a man who lived for the instant­ Whenever a clock was missing, Emma though he suspected his way was not and Henry made a little game out of quite what the Zen masters had in mind. finding it. Henry loved rooting out hidden He never was one to savor The Moment things: games of hide-and-seek,

'" scavenger hunts, combing the shores of porch. The very box of books Carter had Nantucket for clams-he loved it all. put out there for the UPS man. The box Shortly after Emma and Henry left, into which he had thrown (and forgotten the UPS man dropped off two packages to take back out) the distracting ticking for Carter, both from his favorite online clock. bookstore. He opened the first box, Emma had spent her entire legal which was filled with unfamiliar titles: The career, eight years, working at the U.S. 7 Habits of Highly Defective People: And Attorney's Office prosecuting a RICO How to A void Them (The habits or the case against a garbage collection defective people? he wondered); Think company run by the Mafia (which Positively and Grow Rich!; The Rules, explains somewhat the state of the city's Volume 25: The Lost Rules. Good Lord, streets-no competition in the market). thought Carter. Whose shipment is this? Three prosecution witnesses had He opened the other box, and breathed mysteriously vanished, and one a sigh of relief-at least they got his prosecutor had died in a car accident order right. Eagerly, he thumbed through (freak mechanical failure, supposedly) his selections, stopping to peruse The during the course of those eight years. Dictionary of New Words, which was full Emma was understandably wary of of terms like "stealth bra," "Twinkie things like ticking packages left on her defense," "granny dumping," "lipstick doorstep. lesbian" (his mother would twitch with She did not speak to Carter for hours agitation whenever she heard that term), after the incident. He was surprised by and "snack abuse" (also "math abuse", her reaction. He would have understood "safety abuse" and "satanic abuse"-an if she had been irritated with him, but epidemic of "abuse" apparently). He Emma did not seem at all angry. She could get lost in that dictionary for hours, seemed badly shaken, inexplicably he realized, though the ticking of the haunted. Only after she had picked up kitchen clock was distracting. He Henry, fed him dinner and put him to grabbed the clock and gave the kitchen a bed, did she speak again to Carter. quick sweep with his eyes before hastily "I've had enough. Please, for me. Get dumping the clock into the box with the rid of these awful ticking time-bombs." abominable titles. She sounded vulnerable to his ears. An hour later, he pulled himself away "Look, Emma. I'm sorry my from the dictionary and decided to go for carelessness caused you such a fright. I a run. He taped up the box containing hate seeing you so shaken." He kneeled the misrouted order and left it on the next to the brown velvet armchair that porch for the UPS pickup-service before she sat in, and rested his forehead heading for the park. against her temple. He loved the smell of On his way back home from the park, her: always delectable and yummy, for he saw and heard, from two houses she favored scents based on comforting away, Emma screaming in front of their foods-vanilla, peach , even pumpkin. house. "Carter! Carter! A bomb! Oh God, That night, she was wearing something a bomb!" she cried hysterically. laced with chocolate. "I'll be more careful. "Emma?" Carter called out to her. It will never happen again, I promise She turned at the sound of his voice you," he said. and ran towards him. "Oh thank God! "Please, Carter, get rid of them." Ruri, Carter. Run!" she screamed. Emma rose and walked over to the "There's a bomb!" she cried, pointing window, staring out into the dark. "I've towards a cardboard box sitting on their been having this ... dream-the worst nightmare," she said in a grave tone. "I "I'm not going to get into this with keep dreaming that you've ... died. In the you. I'm tired. You coming to bed?" she dream, I'm sitting in our living room being asked as she headed for the stairs. consoled by people who have just been "Go on ahead. I'll join you soon," he to your funeral. I don't know how you said. died, I just know you've died." Whenever Carter's mind was Carterwas surprised by the engaged, it was nearly impossible for him seriousness in her tone. Emma had to wind down. Emma's dream had raised never before taken any interest in an interesting question, he thought. What dreams. She rarely even remembered are my finest moments? If I had to pick them. Those she did recall were very one, what would it be? He deliberated for mundane-routine days at the office, awhile, but his mind drew an cleaning the kitchen, watching Henry uncharacteristic blank. There was no play in the park. Even in the chaotic shortage of pleasant memories, certainly, world of dreams she remained practical but none were vivid; all his past moments and logical. "Why are you so spooked? seemed like amiable but pale ghosts It's just a dream. You know that," he said. amid a haze of gray. Nothing stood out. "But the dreams are so vivid ... and Perhaps some perspective was recurring. They don't feel like dreams." needed to answer such a question, he She turned away from the window and thought to himself. Too bad Emma looked him in the eye. wouldn't cooperate. What about his "They feel like premonitions," she parents though? His father was no longer said. available for consultation (he had passed "What are you saying? Are you on two years earlier) , but what would his saying you're clairvoyant? You don't mother say if asked? He remembered even believe in such things." A sudden the pride in her eyes that one day during thought occurred to him. "How old were his preschool years. He had been taught we in this dream? Thirty-three or eighty? from the earliest age to equate gender Because if we were eighty, well then only with anatomical parts, rather than maybe the dream is just a form of with externalities, such as, dresses and Freudian wish-fulfillment," he said with a bows {his mother's studies had shown slightly wry smile. that children get confused when shown "Maybe I'm being silly. Probably. But pictures of men wearing traditionally just humor me then. For whatever feminine things, and vice-versa). One reason, these clocks are terribly day, Carter had carried his pink purse to unsettling to me. They remind me of class and worn ribbon barrettes in his things I can't bear to think about." She hair; he was followed around and looked so anxious, he thought. harassed by a boy in his class who "If it's important to you, of course I'll insisted, in a singsong voice, that, "Carter get rid of them," he said. How good he is a girl. Carter is a girl. Only girls wear felt seeing the look of immediate relief on barrettes and carry purses." In her face. "So ...what were people saying exasperation, Carter finally dropped his about me? At the funeral, I mean. How pants, and undies, and declared in his did they remember me? What were, in best adult voice, "Gender is determined their eyes, my greatest moments?" solely by anatomy, not by external cues. "I don't remember," she said. Take a look. Do I look like a girl to you "What did you say? Which of my now?" His tormentor avoided Carter after moments stuck in your head?" that, as one avoids the bum on the subway talking to himself in agitated

'' tones. When his mother learned of drifted off to sleep that way, listening to incident, she surged with pride. But that the rhythmic rise and fall of Emma's was really more my mother's moment breathing, inhaling her rich chocolate than my own, thought Carter. In that perfume, and lingering upon the memory incident she saw her own imprint, a of his son's sweet smell. successful extension of herself ... Carter got rid of the wind-up clocks, probably. Maybe it would be that way as promised-all but one, which he kept with Emma too, if he managed to gain a hidden in his car, under the driver's seat. response from her. Maybe she would Emma didn't mention her dreams again, pick a moment when he had come but Carter could not free his obsessive closest to her ideal of a husband, rather mind from the question raised by her than one that captured his essence as a dreams. It pressed on him constantly. separate individual. He found himself running more often Carter stretched out on the couch that spring; he craved the release a good and stared directly into the bright ceiling run always provided. He loved the feeling light, which was so bright that it hurt his in his legs during the final few laps. The eyes a bit. He thought and stared, then fatigue seemed to add a reassuring thought and stared some more. He still weight and heft to his legs. The rough had no answers. His head began to ache asphalt seemed to grip the soles of his so he closed his eyes, which were dazed shoes-a sensation like running on sticky from staring for so long into the blinding strips of Velcro. It made him feel secured light. Even with his eyes closed, even to the ground, aware of gravity and the amid the darkness of his mind, the pull of the earth. Each of his legs acting remnants of that ceiling light seemed to as a ballast protecting him from floating sparkle and glitter festively on the inside away like a balloon lost to the heavens. It of his lids. He lay there for a long time, was Emma, though, who resembled a then finally turned off the downstairs balloon, a hot-air balloon. Her body was lights and headed up. like a triangle balanced precariously on He stopped first in Henry's room. one point. She had a ball of a face, wide When he peeked in he saw that Henry shoulders, a thick torso thinning out into was asleep but clutching onto a the barest suggestion of hips and twin bedpost-he must be having that dream spindles for legs. Although she was the again, thought Carter, the one where steady one between them, her top-heavy he's being chased up the oak tree out figure made her seem less secure front by our neighbor's rottweiler. "Henry, somehow. it's Dad. You can let go of the tree now," Carter also began taking drives very he whispered in his son's ear. late at night. Sometimes, he would pull Instinctively, Henry released his grip and out the wind-up clock stashed under his allowed himself to be tucked back under seat and set it on the dashboard, the flannel Batman sheets. Damp locks listening to the ticking as he drove. A few of golden hair framed his round face-he times, when he encountered a deserted reminded his father of a sunflower. When stretch of road , he closed his Carter bent down to kiss his son's cheek, eyes-sometimes for only a couple of he caught a whiff of Henry's smell­ seconds, other times for as long as ten equal parts vanilla extract, buttered ticks of the clock. An inexcusably bread, and talcum powder. reckless game, he knew, but couldn't After checking on Henry, he slipped resist. He had hoped that fear would into bed with Emma, fitting his body into bring focus and clarity to his muddled the curves of her curled-up figure. He mind, heighten his sense and awareness

'' of each second. But it didn't. After a Emma just smiled and kissed him close call-he came within inches of goodbye before getting into the car. hitting the steel rails hugging a sharp "Take care," she called out as she pulled curve in the road-he gave up his foolish away from the curb and drove off. She game and his late night drives. And still, looked straight ahead down the road, but he had no answers, nothing he could her left hand continued waving to him articulate. from the open driver's-side window. He Every summer, the Higgins family watched her until she turned the corner spent a couple weeks at their cabin and disappeared from his view. upstate. They usually drove up together, Carter was packing things for the trip but this year Carter was delayed at the upstate when the telephone call came. last minute by some business matters. The words coming through the line "I'll just go on ahead and prepare the seemed horribly muffled, and he could cabin. It must be a mess after all those only grasp a handful of phrases: ... gas storms last winter," Emma said. tank explosion at the cabin ... completely "What about Henry? Will you take destroyed ... Emma didn't escape ... so him, or should I?" Carter asked. sorry ... "Since I'm cleaning the cabin, you In the first few seconds, he could not can deal with Henry trapped in a car for think (not yet) about the loss of her. In four hours." that first flash, he could do nothing but "Wait. What if I promise to clean the imagine her last moments, her last cabin instead?" he suggested sensations. He was trying to picture desperately. it-the explosion, the blinding burst of Emma smiled wickedly. "Good luck light-when he was struck with a sense with Henry. You'll need it." of deja vu. He thought he knew just what He saw Emma off the next day. The such a bright explosion might look like. backseat of her car was loaded with He told himself there had been no time boxes of supplies-mostly food and for thoughts. No time for vain reflection, cooking gear (Whenever they stayed in no time to sift through the mind's the cabin, Emma insisted upon preparing inventory of life's moments-he wanted extravagantly abundant meals that would desperately to believe that there had choke the burliest of lumberjacks). "I been no time for such things. Just basic packed a few bottles of wine too," she sensations in the end. Just that burst of said, with an impish grin. light, followed by a slipping darkness, the "Did you remember to pack that silk last of the light sparkling like confetti in thingie of yours? The one I like so much," her mind. he asked.

Ritlll�f ink 6x9 Owen Lloyd (opposite)

11 , " OU �e/.11l '?l1t,t.> acrylic 5x7 Fetus L. Johnson

20 problem, then do something about it." Do something about it. I was the master of my own destiny. I had no regrets, no qualms. I was I, and I Clinton Harman was I absolutely. "Another Corona sir?" I was on my third Corona already. I "Yes please." couldn't remember what time the place I always liked servers-good ones stopped serving alcohol, but I was anyway. I admit I had my fair share of determined to get as many beers down scuffles over poor service, but that was as possible before last call. life, nobody's perfect. Servers are one of I knew what I was going to do. I had the few people in life who have a right to four hundred dollars in my pocket and a gripe. All day long they deal with people's change of clothes in my bag. I had quirks , like, "this coffee's too hot," or already called the airport shuttle; it would "how many grams of fat are in the pick me up at 6:00am sharp, four hours cottage cheese?" I always watched those from then. people and thought, "thank God I never I was checking out the crowd; had that job." everyone seemed to be in high There are people that think the spirits-probably just out of the bars. I people waiting on them are there to kiss had finished up many a drunken evening their ass. They sit and boss their server there myself. I liked it better than going to around like a slave, thinking it's okay, Denny's, no high school kids, no one because, "they're a good tipper." The screaming from one table to the next. servers aren't allowed to say what they People there weren't obnoxious like that. really think. They have to take it; it's part There, I didn't have to keep my temper of their job. I've known waiters and under control. waitresses who have said differently, but My temper had always got me in most of them were also out of work. No trouble. When I was a little kid, I was manager is ever on the server's side; always in the principal's office for they can't be. If a server is rude, they're fighting. Of course, it was never my fault. gone. In fact, the older I got, the more I No one ever stops to think, "hey, this realized nothing was ever my fault, I is someone's son or daughter." They're always did everything right. Everything just servers, here to wait on you. happened for a reason. The only thing I "Ario? Ario James, is that you?" could be held accountable for was the Who the hell was this guy? I hated it actions that affected my life. I alone was when I wasn't paying attention; someone responsible for my fate. was always sneaking up on me, and I I couldn't stand all the whiny hated surprises. I was too wrapped up in crybabies that pouted as they told me my own thoughts and watching this older what a mess their life was. "It's all my woman rifle through her purse. I had no parents' fault-if only Father had loved idea who this guy was. I didn't know what me more; if only Mother had paid more to do, so I just stared. attention to me when I was a kid." The whole time I looked at him, he I used to get up in those people's kept walking closer and closer to me, faces and tell them off. "It's not your smiling like he knew some really great parents' fault you turned out this way, it's secret. Apparently, he did. Because even yours. Your dad didn't love you ... so when he sat down across from me, I still what? Your Mom didn't love you ... so had no idea who he was. We were what? If you know, and can identify the having a staring match. Then I looked "Yep, rage is a very dangerous away. Damn, I was mad. I had looked emotion indeed. It makes you think your away first, showing a sign of weakness. seeing everything clear, but in reality, So I looked up, and stared him straight in your judgment is clouded." the eye. I was beginning to think that maybe "Excuse me sir, but who the hell are this guy was crazy. you?" "Yep, your old man was always blunt, "Don't you remember me?" but you were always sharp, like a knife." I sat there for a second wondering if it "Your Corona sir." The waitress was a trick question? "No sir, I don't." chimed in. "McKenzie, Jim McKenzie, I was ''Thank you." I had almost forgot. stationed with your father at Fort Bragg." "Would you care for anything sir?" Ft. Bragg had been ten years ago. I "Yes, just bring me a cup of coffee must have been eleven years old when I and a shot of Jim Beam." knew the guy. I had trouble He certainly drank like one of my remembering all the people I went to high father's friends. school with, and I was supposed to "You see, your father was always remember him? I would have thought he blunt. He butted heads with a lot of was crazy, but he did know my name, people. You were always sharp. You cut and, he had a airborne tattoo on his right through people. No warning, no big forearm. My father rarely made friends collision, you just went right through with anyone who didn't have a service Whoever or whatever was in your way." tattoo. That sounded about right to me. "So you knew my father then?" I "What's wrong with that?" knew it was a stupid question, obviously "Nothing, if you don't care about how · he did, but I still had no idea what to say. other people feel." "I sure did, how is he?" "Why should I care about how other "Still the same." My father would people feel if they're in my way?" I had never change. no problems with the way I led my life, "Your father always was a tough one why should it bother this guy? I didn't to get along with. Some people get a little need any advice. I was doing just fine on skittish when someone speaks their mind my own. Besides this was starting to all the time, but that's why I liked him. sound like a Sunday school lesson to You always knew where you stood with me. I was glad when he changed the Matthew James." subject. Damn... som etimes even I forgot Sgt. "So what are you doing in Indiana?" James's first name. No one ever called "I just graduated from college." Well him Matthew. Even his better friends still almost, the only thing left was the called him Sergeant. ceremony, but I didn't see any point in "I tell you, I would never have going into that. I had an internship to get recognized you if it hadn't been for your to. eyes. You know rage is a very useless "What college did you go to?" and dangerous emotion. Your father "Purdue." always had that look in his eyes when he "Oh really? What did you get your was really angry. That look alone was degree in?" usually enough to make a room of "Engineering." Special Forces troopers clear out." "That makes sense, you always were And people wonder where I got my building the damnedest things out of temper. whatever you could get your hands on.

22 Do you still like building houses out of We sat there in silence for a while. cards?" He drank his coffee 'a la Jim', and I I let a smile slip out on that one. I still finished my Corona. I was surveying the couldn't help myself when I got my hands restaurant again. There were a couple of on a deck of cards. "Yes, I still build them cute women in the booth kitty corner from from time to time." us. They both looked a little tipsy to me. "How many decks are you using One of them must have been talking these days?" about a boyfriend; she was using one "Two or three. There usually isn't hand to play with her hair, and the other more than that many around." I lied. was flailing away in the sign language had about six at my old apartment. I just that only women understand. Men have didn't want to admit to anyone that I their little sign language routine that only spend that much time building card they understand-most of them involve houses. sex or sports. I guess every group has "You know it always drove your old their own little group of hand signals. man crazy that you would never let him Growing up with my Dad, we had formed help, but that was you. Always cutting to a group that used military hand signals. I the chase, never stopping to ask for always kind of enjoyed that. help." "Well I have to go." "I never needed any help." It was He had startled me again. Damned if true. I never needed anyone's help. I did I hadn't been lost in my own thoughts. My everything on my own; I put myself father always said women would be my through college; I got an internship by undoing. myself. What did I need help with? "You take care of yourself." Certainly not building a house of cards. "I always do. It was nice talking to What was this guy getting at? you." I wasn't too sure about that, but "Your coffee sir, and here's your shot why burn bridges? of Jim Beam." "Likewise, tell your old man I said hi." "Thank you." He gave the waitress a "Will do." He got up, offered me some smile and off she went. money for the check and I waved him off. My guess was that he hadn't noticed "Thanks." the wedding band on her ring finger. I nodded and tipped my beer to him Once she was gone, he proceeded to as he turned to walk away. I took a sip pour his shot into his coffee and stir it in. from my Corona and glanced over the "I never could stand plain coffee, or restaurant one more time. Then I looked Jim Beam, but then your father showed back to see Jim McKenzie walk out the me this little trick and I found out when door. He turned and waved. I returned they're mixed together there's nothing his wave. He still had that damn smile on better. I love the solid taste of coffee his face. mixed with the crisp kick of alcohol." As I sat there and finished my beer, I "Never tried it." thought to myself, I still have a couple of "You should, you might like it." weeks before I start my internship, "I doubt it." I never mixed anything. maybe I should rent a car and drive down didn't put ketchup on my fries, order to Ft. Worth to see my Dad. I had a mixed drinks, and I sure as hell didn't put layover in Chicago. I could call him from a shot of Jim Beam in my coffee. there. I figured it would be a nice surprise "You'll never know until you try." for old Matthew. There was that smile again. What was this guys secret? Tlflt.lt11. Pff/tt.>'"'-" 41t.4. 4 �1tf.4.t. marble Eugenia Makowski Roya Kashanian

It's crooked outside and There's a story brewing in the midst of dining hours Passing by the guitar strings I'm chirping on You reminisce back to the moment when your Fingers held the rock star Studded microphone; the canopy of your anxieties. Stuck in the middle pudding built of wet cement and Sandpaper blows rubber nonsense bubbles At your face There are some honey coated dreams rolling In your sugar dough waiting to Fall from the Glowing end of my Greenleaf and simmer down around the red Ring of your wineglass The realization begins to knock- You aren't reaching the final madness of your Stages, it's still the beginning. Can this piece be cheesy? American and Provolone circular masks Laughing at the peyote colored cheeks Seared by the icy weather breathing frost in your eyes Clouding your vision while you split open and Melt Is the pressure getting to your head? The migraines wiped down With baby wipes and glitter handfuls Doesn't stop you from eating All the green pistachios and the Little chocolate Easter eggs wrapped In red, yellow, and pink foil. Have you lost your way? Maybe you should god bless my Sneezes and engulf yourself In a bottle of salt water and change your name to Aerial All the while, I'll still be here Waiting until you burst into song And Unwind. "�" J>o4.. t�i4. �A) p,, 'J�fff� books, gold leaf, wood Eugenia Makowski

26 1>t.f'f't. wood and wire Ed Kowalczyk

Shannon Plate

1 cannot catch my life. awake moving, my tasks clenched in my hand so that my time, like money managed badly, is gone before it is truly mine and my enemy hisses defeat in my ear because it is never done ever.

But, some days it is enough to wander sleeveless with the sun, and explore myself- as intriguing as someone else's garden, treasures hidden under quick spreading yarrow and thoughts I don't recognize digging in, threatening to bloom.

'"ff'� 0'4t pastel 16xl1 Linda Baldwin (opposite) ) ! /" ' /

F•s'«>� '" P•d>�ff oil on wood 24x20 Guy Landgraf, Jr. met her just after high school when I was �flttl�>fAff fltf \Jiff/. working the third shift at the gas station. Our love was passionate then. In her �f'Ae�"'Alt third year of college, she decided to change her major to journalism and transfer to NYU. She had planned for me Steve Kim to eventually move in with her. I convinced her that I should move in right There was a time when I could see. I away. The situation at my house had could see all the dark corners and become desperate. On the morning we crevasses of life; the inconsistencies, if left, my parents were both working. I pulled, would tear apart the fabric of didn't even leave a note. They found out reality. I could thin out existence and see where I had gone when Rachel phoned the pure blue flow of life, like rivers of them later that week. energy, flowing and ebbing between us, A year later our relationship soured a through us. I saw everything we knew to bit. She still went to school and I worked be real, everything that held us together, in a liquor store in a beat up and everything that keeps us on the neighborhood uptown. I watched hours ground. of television before I went to work, and Now my vision is gone. The images before Rachel returned from her late are forever distorted with shadows, afternoon class. I didn't see much of her discoloration, and ghost images. Even if I during the day, and maybe that was for wanted to see again, I cannot. Once lost, the better. We were like the noodles the that place is lost forever. I have a chef threw against the wall on my daughter now. She's more precious than afternoon cooking show. She stuck to life itself. She will grow up like the other wa lls. I fell to the dirty kitchen floor. children. I will never tell her. I will never My days were patterned like a show her. we ll-worn rug. I woke up at noon, and When I was young and could still after twe nty-seven cold steps down the see, I lived with a girl, not my wife, but a hallway, I'd try to hit some porcelain in different girl . Rachel was her name, but I my waking daze. Then, I was on the called her Jasper. I called all my couch. The 27-inch Toshiba, with picture girlfriends before her Jasper. The name in picture, received my attention most of was taken from a cat I had in my the afternoon. The salesman, or sales childhood. Jasper was a jigsaw colored counselor as they called him, told me I tabby I had found when I was eight. I would need a television with lnvard loved that cat. She was an older soul Shadow Mask Cones. I have yet to learn watching over me. One day Jasper was how to use my picture in picture, or the missing, and I cried all day because I lnvard Shadow Mask Cones. Every knew she was dead. My mother told me afternoon I watched the same shows: that Jasper had run away. A few days Th e Burly Cooking Show (and I didn't later my father tracked a nasty stench cook), This Old House (I don't own a into our storage shed in the backyard . He home), and my favorite, Tra vels in discovered the rotten, maggot infested Europe (yet my closest experience to re mains of my cat. Even in death, Jasper Europe was Little Italy). tried to protect me. I've called all my When the sun was low in the late .girlfriends since then Jasper. afternoon, I'd peel my body off the couch I loved Rachel, and would have and head off to work. My boss gave me a married her if things had worked out. I choice of working in the day or the evening; I consciously picked the sucked them in with each breath, losing evening, knowing I would see less of them somewhere inside. I was having Jasper. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I one of my moments. had nothing to offer her. The cavity of my A man came before me. He was an body had hollowed, and the pain old guy with wild untamed hair and worn reminded me of what was once there. I skin. He was skinny and horribly couldn't fight anymore. I chose to hide. cross-eyed. The focal point of his vision My job gave me consistency. My must have been four inches in front of boss was a big Russian man with a him. He had this "X" vision, where his heavy accent. He only showed up in the right eye saw the left side and his left eye morning to collect the receipt tapes and saw the right. the deposit from the night before. I hardly "What do you want?" I said politely. saw him. Everyone that worked there "I want paper. Paper, paper, rolling knew that he didn't care what went on in paper," he said while licking his lips. I the store as long as we didn't steal. "If threw down the ro lling paper on the you steal, I kill you." Other than that, he counter trying to keep my distance . He was a great man to work for. Igor, we picked it up with his bony fingers and called him, paid us a low salary but gave said, "You got Jack, Jacky. Some Jacko us extra cash under the table. No Danielio?" Pressed against the back questions asked. counter, I pointed to the shelf behind One evening I was feeling tired. My him. He retrieved a pint and asked for a face was flat on the counter as I pack of Viceroy. He pulled out a roll of breathed moisture onto its glass top. bills from his tattered Members Only Someone walked in and said, "How ya jacket and said "Thank yooo. Where you doing Rick?" from?" "O.K.," I said, as I rang him up for two "I don't think I should say." bottles of Colt 45 and a pack of Camel "I'm not from here. Not around here." box. "You beat off today?" This man started telling me he is from "Yeah, and you?" he asked. another planet. He told his story with his "Twice. Victoria's Secret and hand mouthing the words in front of his Cosmopolitan" lips. It was as if his fingers were telling "Moving up in the world, huh?" the story. He looked like one of those I didn't mean to be vulgar, but this mythical half-man, half-goat creatures as was the only way I could communicate his wild, white hair danced in the gentle with these people. The truth was that I draft of the overhead heaters. His fingers didn't want to hear their problems. I didn't fluttered in front of his mouth like he was want to hear why they were kicked out of playing a magical flute. He wove a tale of their apartment or that their wife or utter nonsense into a reality that was of girlfriend called the police on them. I was his own . sick of listening to their reasoning on why "The-the thing about red is far away they had to smack their girl around. I just and I miss it. I much like here. Here I wanted to humor them. rre-eally do. Better for your skin, really The two stock boys were somewhere good, really good, and cheap too. I been in back trying to get into the pants of a here long, good long time. Earth is good. Puerto Rican girl they had brought in Colors are nice." earl ier. I was staring at the clock with the He said this while looking to the right Budweiser Logo on it. The dust particles of me. floated in the light all around me. I could "I not from here you know. I come see them rising toward the rafters. I from there." He pointed his finger two feet away all I could muster was, "I didn't do from his body into an empty space. I nothin'." couldn't help but stare into that space, She grabbed the plastic cup with our that emptiness that lied between us. I toothbrushes in it and whipped it at me. It stared for seconds, minutes, or maybe just missed my head and bounced off the even hours. I tried to fill it with thoughts. wa ll cracking into three large pieces. As I First, there was nothing. Then, a trickle of braced myself for another attack, she thoughts unraveled slowly, carefully, so shot up and stomped into the bedroom as not to damage my consciousness. slamming the door behind her. I sat by When my mind became accustom to the the toilet staring at a piece of the plastic thoughts, it flowed faster, growing, like a cup that bounced into the toilet. It was stream flowing down a mountain. The yellow with part of a picture of Snoopy on flow became more forceful and violent. his doghouse pretending to be the pilot Slowly, it began to uproot my conscious of a WWI biplane. I knew it wasn't just attachment to myself, teari ng one root at the DUI she was crying about. It was time. There was nothing left in me that everything. was untouched. I was engulfed. Every She was tired of going to school, nerve was touched. I couldn't hold on working forty hours a week, and sick of anymore. I flowed with the current to motheri ng me. I didn't need another god where everything flows. I moved with damn mother. I just needed a place to vicious speed unable to grasp anything crash. Our needs had become different. I real. was not ready to become what she "Hey, Rick?" wanted me to be. She didn't realize that I It was Tony one of the stock boys. would sacrifice our relationship to "I'm going to get some smokes." maintain myself as I was. I loved her, but "Where did he go? Did? Did you see I really just needed a fucking place to that weird guy standing here?" stay. "I'm looking at one right now," he said My stomach began to heave. I as he stared right at me. grabbed on to the sides of the porcelain "Never mind." bowl and placed my face in it. I could When I got home that evening Jasper hear myself choking up what was inside was still up reading something in the me. I swore I would never drink again if kitchen. I tried to walk as straight as the pain would pass. I looked in the bowl possible. She called for me. I pretended as if I could find the answers somewhere not to hear her and walked straight for in the muck of half digested food, the bathroom. She followed me to the alcohol, and blood. I stared at the floating bathroom door. In the light, I saw that her piece of plastic. eyes were redder than mine. She threw a When I woke up, I found that Jasper letter in my lap and glared at me with her had left a message on the answering arms crossed. The letter was from the machine. That's how we communicated: Secretary of State informing me that my notes and answering machine license had been suspended because of messages. She said she wanted to have a DUI. All I thought was why didn't I a talk later. check the mail before I left for work. At work that night, twenty minutes "Why? Why couldn't you tell me?" before closing time, I was alone reading she cried as she slid down the doorframe Chicken Soup for the Soul and looking at and buried her face on her knees. pictures from Just Eighteen. At first I I had a perfect explanation, but by hadn't noticed, but there he was. His the time the thought reached my mouth, white hair waved like flames as he stood "So you've got a Spam collection," I in the isle. I picked up a tap for a keg. said looking at the trashcan. The "Hi ho. Hello. Hello my friend. Ha ha situation was getting too weird for me. ha." "Hey, hey, here you go." It was I clutched the tap harder. comically large. I swear I needed two 'Today was great day. Much color. hands to hold the thing. The Happy air. Do you like dream world? craftsmanship was quite impressive. The Happy air?" he said clutching a black ends tapered off evenly without any bag. "Yeah, the flow. Smooth flow." loose paper hanging off. I pulled out a He popped open the bag. I peered lighter and lit one end while taking a into it carefully so I wouldn't be sucked deep drag. The blue smoke slid down my in. This crazy spaceman had more dope throat smooth. I held my hit while I in his bag than I have smoked in my life. passed it back to the spaceman. The There were a number of uncut sheets of smoke loosened my joints, limbs, and acid. My first thought was, "Why does a neck. The room began to spin. My person this fucked up, need to get more concept of time disappeared. I was free fucked up?" to flow anywhere I wanted. I was in the I realized he wasn't trying to sell me cracks of reality. I understood the the drugs, but was offering them as a spaceman plain as English. I was the token of friendship. I weighed the options student, and he was the master. He told · of going home and having "the big talk" me not to be afraid, but to embrace the against getting high with a man out of his space were in. Everything was one. mind. I chose the latter. Blood flowed down my face. My head I don't know what I expected. We was throbbing as I regained went to his roach infested Grand Royal consciousness; my vision blurred. I Hotel. They charged weekly rates. As run began to focus. There sat a large man. down as it was, I admit the hotel was a He sat with his legs crossed facing me far better place than the cardboard box I on a comparatively puny chair. He wore had imagined. The spaceman signed me a black leather trench coat and sharply in as a guest at the front counter. tailored black suit under it. Apparently, the man at the counter was "Feeling better little girl?" keeping the bums with no money outside I had no idea how much time had away from the bums with a little money passed since I was knocked inside. I began to think the spaceman unconscious. The spaceman was not in was a bit more capable than I had first the room, but his black bag lay at the feet thought. of the man. A noise came from the The hotel was very quiet. The only bathroom. It was a soft whining sound, noise I heard was the creaking of the then a sudden crash of glass. I looked floor as we walked down the hallway. No away from the door trying to focus on one made a sound. But I could feel the something else. I picked up a JAMA ears listening, fearing the noise from journal sitting on the table. behind their doors. His room was larger "What are you doing?" than I expected. He walked to the dining "I'm looking at this magazine," I room with his black bag. I sat on the responded, unable to make eye contact. couch. The walls were empty, no "What are you doing here?" pictures, nothing to give me an "I just uh, came here to, smoke." understanding of the spaceman. There "A boy like you can really get hurt were shit loads of JAMA medical journals around here," he said slowly, letting each lying around. He was quiet. word sink in. Another crash echoed from the bathroom. The man placed his gun was the spaceman from? I stood up still on the table between us. He pulled out a dizzy from the head injury. cigarette from a metal case and lit it. "Say nothing to no one," he said "Tell me something. You his friend?" without looking up. He pointed with his head toward As I walked out, I heard the screams bathroom. in the hallway. No one came out of their "Yeah. No. I just met him today." My rooms. When I walked through the lobby, throat dried and my leg shook the man at the counter was reading a uncontrollably. He sat in silence. I newspaper. We all had an couldn't stand it. I wished I'd gone home understanding. There was noth ing for me to Jasper. to do. "You know, if somebody busted in The cool rain pelted my jacket as I and started bashing my friend's brains wa lk down the street toward the subway. out," he said as he leaned back in the My whole world was uneven and out of chair, "do you know what I'd do?" He took place. What was real? I told myself it a drag from his cigarette. "I'd kill the wasn't real. That made it easier. motherfucker." He exhaled with his head I remember when I first noticed. I was back. sitting in the D train on my way home. At this point, the gun was closer to The few passengers in the car carefully me than it was to him. His eyes closed as moved to the other side of the train. They he took another deep drag, leaning back. all stared at me. I felt my head and He looks at me and gave a small, realized it was covered in blood. An knowing laugh. He read me for what I uncontrollable laugh came over me as I was. I had no part in his world and he realized what I had become. had no part in mine. But whose world

Walther's father had fought in the Great War. He was there when the armies of Germany had been victorious against the heathen Russians. He had Debbie Pickup also been present when they pushed the French armies back to Paris. Walther "March 2nd, 1941-German Troops loved these stories as a child. He Enter Bulgaria!" the local post read at the delighted in sitting by his father's side at news stand this morning. All of Berlin night listening to him and his comrades was buzzing with news of another discussing the old army and the great triumph of the armed forces of the Reich. campaigns they had fought. But, the The soldiers marched through the streets conversations always turned to disgust, of the city looking as though there was as the old soldiers spoke of their dead something to be said for being a member comrades and the unjust armistice that of the unstoppable Wermacht. followed. When the depression came, Throughout the morning, the soldiers had Walther remembered waking up in the been moving in and out of the city night to the sound of a gunshot. He preparing for another victorious found out later that his father had taken offensive. Walther looked proudly his own life in lieu of facing the disgrace across the massed ranks of men that would come from losing all his marching, while the mid-morning sun worldly possessions. Walther's mother danced upon their bright steel helmets. struggled for more than two years before Each soldier was his own symbol of they moved in with her brother's family in victory and honor. In all of Germany Berlin. It was here that Walther there was nothing like being a member of witnessed the growth of a new party, a that sacred brotherhood of warriors, as great party, one that claimed it would old as Valhalla, and as proud as a race right all the wrongs of the recent past. of perfection could allow. The atrocities Wa lther' s uncle took him more than once of the Great War were now being to see a man called Hitler speak about forgotten, as all of Europe once again Germany and how it had been betrayed trembled at the sound of the German war from within by a race of inhuman drum. However, this time would be creatures known as the Jews. It was different. their undermining of his country, with The Fuehrer had brought to Germ any help from the Marxists, that had a new hope. The people responsible for destroyed Germany. the disgrace of the Great War had been When Walther turned thirteen Hitler found and were being punished for what became Chancellor of all Germany, they had done to the Fatherland. promising the people a more proud and

Untitled photo 6x9 Colleen Gentry (opposite) prosperous country. Within the next five panzers that were feared on battlefields years this appeared to be true. The all across Europe. family moved to a larger apartment in a Walther's mother looked around for part of the city that had formerly been him, calling his name. But a boy of occupied by Jewish intellectuals. twenty-one would hardly listen for his Walther's uncle was made an officer in mother's call when he was caught up in the ranks of the new party. He wore a the rapture of such a day. She took one black uniform dominated by a large red, last glimpse at the marching boys and white, and black armband that carried the turned back into the house to put her symbol of the ancient god Thor. Some of mind at ease. * * * the children at school called it a "black spider'' and stayed away from the men in The sign on the front of the building the black uniforms. Walther knew better read: BARRACKEN der Zweiten Gruppe. than to run from the men that had saved After three long days of crawling through his country, a country he would serve the mud fields with little sleep and and defend until his death . rations, Walther and his comrades found Walther's uncle enrolled him into an comfort in the familiar sign. As they organization called the Hitler Jugend. approached the path to the barracks, Here, he was with other boys his age Hauptman Scherer called the troops to a learning how to better serve the state. halt and right face. The only thoughts He learned firsthand of the truth behind that crossed their minds, as the rain the Jew. It was this experience he drummed on their steel helmets, were carried into his three years with the eating a hot meal and falling into a warm, Reichsarbeitsdienst. Everyd�y he dry bed. They were told to wait for five marched off to work knowing that he was minutes and then head toward the motor making a difference for all the Germans. pool for weapons inspection. Walther As Walther stared out across the looked up at the trees and noticed how street, he could see the endless rows of the rain made them seem so fresh and soldiers riding their motorcycles. The revived. Somehow the rain seemed to hum of their engines blended with the also cleanse the uniforms and spirits of roar of the crowd as they moved in this weary group of soldiers. The orders perfect formation through the streets. to march to the motor pool interrupted his "One day I will look that good!" Walther thoughts. Once in the motor pool, they said to his mother as he pointed into the lined up and presented their weapons for street. She smiled, and thought of how inspection. Hauptman Scherer walked proud she was that her son was to be down the rows, only stopping once in a part of this great body of heroes. while to look at a soldier's weapon. After Because the war came suddenly, and three days in the rain and mud not one Germany was swept away into the weapon could pass such an inspection. imaginary world of glory and great When the hauptman reached the last heroes, it scared her as well. All around row of men, he turned, and smartly her the young men yelled "Seig Heil!" walked front and center with an arrogant Then, the crowd went into a roar as the smile. Fuehrer passed in his Mercedes. What a "Well.since none of you has bothered beautiful automobile, open-top and not a to keep a clean rifle, then none of you is speck of dust from the road. It was a up for mess either. " He quickly looked proud time for Germany, so powerful, upon the ranks to see if there was any more so than before the Great War. dissension. Nothing stood in the way of the giant "Good, I will see you at 0500 for exercises. You may return to your that seemed to strike him was the helmet barracks." As he scanned the group of the man in front of him. He again, he saw the displeasure on the re membered that day in Berlin when he soldier's faces, but none spoke a word in watched the men of the Wermacht march fear of the hauptman's wrath. As he triumphantly through the streets proudly exited the motor pool, Erwin Sajer, who wearing their medals. And their had the reputation of a troublemaker, helmets-that seemed to defy the said something under his breath. reflection of heaven itself-were now Hauptman Scherer stopped, raised his nothing more than tarnished, muddy, head, and faced the battalion. green, overturned bowls of steel. Was "Because Grenadier Sajer's stomach this the fate he was resigned to? To be seems to be grumbling rather loudly, it forever exhausting himself in this reverie leads me to believe that you men may be of mud. As he rounded the last lap, hungry. The mess hall will be open for Walther lowered his head and headed the next hour for this battalion." Cheers straight for the barracks. Familiar faces came pouring out of the ranks. and voices, even a pat on the back, all Hauptman Scherer immediately ra ised led Walther straight towards the only his hand to halt the excitement. Once reward ing part of his life as a grenadier, there was silence, he lowered his hand his bunk. Tired from the ordeal, all forgot and said, "Except for 2nd Gruppe," as he how terribly hungry they were, turning fixed his eyes on Erwin. "Maybe a little down bits of food offered by men from bit more exercise will relieve your hunger. other gruppes. So tired that nobody I'd say about twenty more laps around re membered to lynch Erwin Sajer. * * * the parade ground, wouldn't you?" Reluctantly, 2nd Gruppe followed "Wake up!" No answer. Ernst was in their Unteroffizier out through the hanger a panic--04:51 and Walther laid doors. As they made their way out to the motionless. "Wake you dirty bastard, the parade ground, the men began to talk feldwebel will be here in less than five quietly to one another. Glances of minutes for the morning inspection!" disgust fell on Erwin, who by now had Ernst's frantic words brought Walther fallen to the rear of the column and into a conscience state. He shot out of refused to raise his head. Worst of all, his bunk and began to dig for a clean as they waded around the parade ground shirt and a knife to scrape the mud from in torrents of rain, they could smell the his uniform. Practically buried in his own food the other landsers were enjoying. chest, there came a tap on his head. It The men became more vocal, expressing was his good friend Kurt Helbourg who what they would like to do to Sajer if they handed him a bayonet with which he ever got their hands on him. Erwin now quickly used to scrape the mud from his trailed the gruppe by a good twenty uniform . Within a few seconds of getting meters, not wanting to hear his comrades himself together, attention was called, complain over his recent debacle. and Feldwebel Shulze entered the hall. Walther did not take part in the insult He was accompanied by the hauptman campaign against Erwin, but kept running and a strange little man who wore the through the rain, staring straight ahead. uniform of an oberst, though he was His friend Ernst Villers fell in next to him clearly not much of a soldier. and inquired as to whether his strength Rather than inspect this morning, the was holding up. Walther, who took pride feldwebel stood in the doorway as his

· in keeping himself physically fit, two officers paced up and down between shrugged, and kept running. One thing the bunks not paying as much attention

HARPER COLLEGE LIBRARY PALATINE, ILLINOIS 60067 to the soldiers as they did their conver­ himself. An instant later, Grenedier sations. Helbourg's fist was buried in his jaw. Upon returning to the entra nce, the Wa lther, who did not get involved in hauptman turned and spoke, "We are any barracks brawls, sat to the side and foregoing exercises this morning wrote a letter to his mother, while Kurt gentlemen." Some of the men looked broke young Erwin in two. Moments around at each other puzzled. "Pack later, a tap on the back from Ernst your rucksacks and prepare to move out! re minded him that it was nearing the time There will be a debriefing for NCOs in they must go. * * * forty-five minutes at my headquarters." He headed for the door, following the The air around them seemed stiff oberst who had already walked out of the with the stench of rotten eggs. They building. swayed back and forth, as the halftrack Just before leaving, the hauptman trundled over what used to be a grazing turned once more to his confused men field. So far no one had seen the battle, and said in a calm manner, "Our Fuehrer but for the last three days they heard it, has invaded Mother Russia my boys! even as they slept. Ernst spoke of And we will go help him!" With that, he having visited the infirmary for stomach left the barracks followed by Feldwe bel cramps, and leaving with horrid visions of Shultze. blood and screaming soldiers. Nobody The men in the room looked at each had witnessed this other than him, and other in astonishment, but nobody could no one really wanted to believe him. speak. Walther stared at the ground in Despite his beating in the barracks just a front of him. Never in his wildest dreams few weeks ago, Sajer seemed to be in did he think that he would go this soon. the best mood of anyone, singing songs Then came cheers led by Erwin. to himself and bragging about how many "Finally we will be out of this dump! Russians he was going to kill. Walther Maybe new uniforms and definitely better and Kurt sat together in the front near officers!" Some of the other men the driver, talking of home and cheered when Erwin shouted these wondering what the next few minutes words. But things quickly got quiet as may hold for 2nd gruppe. It seemed odd Kurt made his way towards Erwin, who to Walther that someone as large and was barely half his size. tough as Kurt might be scared of "Just remember little one, at the front something he had never seen, but rather you can't bitch about your boots being only heard about from other soldiers. too tight, or your helmet not fitting right." They heard it clearly all around them, the Erwin became annoyed by this obvious men's voices, and the rumble of tanks challenge to his character, but he dared going past the flanks of their vehicle. not say a word for fear of being Wa lther leaned over to take a look out pummeled by Helbourg . the driver's view port, but smoke made it From a corner, Ernst spoke, "At the difficult to see the half-track in front of front the officers shoot a man for them carrying the first gruppe. After insolence." The other men of 2nd some maneuvering, track #1 came back gruppe were suddenly re minded of the in sight only to burst into a ball of oil, folly the previous night had brought. scrap metal, and flames throwing men's "Here, I think we just teach them a bodies from the hull. The track came to lesson!" Shouts from the surrounding a screeching halt, th rowing most of the men ensued as Erwin tried to defend men forward . Then, all at once, Unteroffizier Kuehr they cleared ahead of the smoke, they gave the order to bail out. All the men could hear the rumbling sound getting clambered out the back of the track to closer. The largest tank any of them had the realization that they were under fire. ever seen stopped on the road in front of They ran as fast as they could towards a them. They dove in all directions for bank of trees, while hearing bullets cover. It was Russian by marking, and ricocheting off the rear of the track. probably the same vehicle that had Feeling the heat of an explosion on the destroyed both tracks. The large back of their legs and neck, they threw machine gun on the front of the tank themselves into a ditch. Walther opened up on the grenadiers before they managed to turn himself around and could clear the road. There were some peer over the top of the berm , feeling a nerve-shattering screams that were rumbling underneath him. This wasn't a completely drowned out by the KV-l's ditch, but a large shell hole. main armament as it blew apart another Walther could see his track through unsuspecting vehicle. the smoke, or what was left of it. The His task became clear. Walther right track had been thrown, and the could see that the leeward hatch was drivers were slumped out of the back open on the tank. Two seconds later, a doors, shot while trying to escape the blast from the other side of the road demise of their vehicle. He could make ca used the tank to lurch to one side. out most of his squad, counting eight. The familiar blast pattern of a Looking back over the field, he tried to panzerfaust echoed from the road. find the two missing landsers. About ten Walther stopped thinking and sprang meters away, Unteroffizier Kuehr was from his hiding place, leaping onto the rolling around in pain with a severe neck tank with a few short steps. He pulled a wound. Not two meters from the track, grenade from his belt, yanked the wire bent back on his knees, Walther could free, and threw it into the belly of the see Sajer. He had absorbed most of the tank. Diving back into the brush, he fire from the machine gun and was almost broke his arm as he fell to the grievously wounded. Walther buried his ground. The tank seemed to rise from its face into the ground. "He was just road-wheels, smoking from every singing ...ju st before ...." Walther was crevice, as it fell back in place. having trouble getting words out when All the men rose and rushed further Ernst pulled himself up next to Wa lther down the road. Walther stayed near the and peered out over the berm . tank, proud of what he had done, "So he finally did something for the avenging the deaths of his comrades. unit--aren't we proud!" he said as he The forward hatch flew open and a laughed out loud. Walther couldn't help Russian soldier, still afire, tried to get out. but laugh a little too; the reality hadn't set Wa lther shot him without remorse, in. He expected Sajer to get up and laughing, as he thought of Erwin Sajer make some smart comment. Then and his final duty to the company. He Gefreiter Koppel, who had assumed looked back into the cleari ng. About command, ordered them to rise and ten meters down the road was Kurt's move out. The 2nd gruppe cl imbed out broken body. Walther stared at the of the ditch and fired into the smoke. carnage for a moment, remembering The infantry, who had driven them from their friendship, plans they made when their vehicles, were falling back. Ernst the war was over, and the promises blasted their pit with his sturmgewehr, made to protect each other. Where and the grenadiers moved ahead. As were the tears for his dear friends whom

'" he had been through so much with? helmet. It somehow reminded him of a Was all the pain, suffering, and death far-off past and youthful dreams, worth what the Reich set out to remembering those days they thought accomplish? Kurt's helmet was lying on they were invincible. And then there was the ground nearby, glistening from what only Kurt's smile, in his memory, as he little sun was penetrating through the hurried to catch up with the gruppe. blanket of smoke. He smirked at the

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