Something to Think About “Winterize your lawn,” the big Do these Suburbanites really and pay more money to water it sign outside the garden store want all that grass growing so they can continue to mow it commanded. I’ve fed it, watered there?” and pay to get rid of it.” it, mowed it, raked it and “Apparently so, Lord. They go “What nonsense! At least they watched a lot of it die anyway. to great pains to grow it and kept some of the trees. That was Now I’m supposed to winterize keep it green. They begin each a sheer stroke of genius, if I do it? I hope it’s too late. Grass spring by say so myself. The trees lawns have to be the stupidest fertilizing grow leaves in the spring thing we’ve come up with out- grass and to provide beauty and side of thong swimsuits! We con- poisoning any shade in the summer. In stantly battle dandelions, Queen other plant the autumn they fall to Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chico- that crops up the ground and form a ry and clover that thrive natural- in the lawn.” natural blanket to keep ly, so we can grow grass that “The spring moisture in the soil and must be nursed through an an- rains and cool protect the trees and nual four-step chemical depend- weather bushes. Plus, as they rot, ency. probably the leaves form compost Imagine the conversation The make grass to enhance the soil. It’s a Creator might have with St. Fran- grow really fast. That must make natural circle of life.” cis about this: the Suburbanites happy.” “You better sit down, Lord. The “Frank, you know all about gar- “Apparently not, Lord. As soon Suburbanites have drawn a new dens and nature. What in the as it grows a little, they cut it – circle. As soon as the leaves fall, world is going on down there in sometimes twice a week.” they rake them into great piles the Southeast? What happened to “They cut it? Do they then bale and have them hauled away.” the dandelions, violets, thistle it like hay?” “No! What do they do to pro- and stuff I started eons ago? I had “Not exactly, Lord. Most of tect the shrub and tree roots in a perfect, no-maintenance garden them rake it up and put it in the winter and keep the soil plan. Those plans grow in any bags.” moist and loose?” type of soil, withstand drought, “They bag it? Why? Is it a cash “After throwing away your and multiply with abandon. The crop? Do they sell it?” leaves, they go out and buy nectar from the long-lasting blos- “No, sir. Just the opposite. They something they call mulch. They soms attracted butterflies, honey pay to throw it away.” haul it home and spread it bees and flocks of songbirds. I “Now let me get this straight. around in place of the leaves.” expected to see a vast garden of They fertilize grass so it will “And where do they get this colors by now. But all I see are grow. And when it does grow, mulch?” these green rectangles.” they cut it off and pay to throw “They cut down trees and grind “It’s the tribes that settled there, it away?” them up.” Lord. The Suburbanites. They “Yes, sir.” “Enough! I don’t want to think started calling your flowers “Thesa3e Suburbanites must be about this anymore. St. Cathe- ‘weeds’ and went to great extent relieved in the summer when we rine, you’re in charge of the arts. to kill them and replace them cut back on the rain and turn up What movie have you scheduled with grass.” the heat. That surly slows the for us tonight?” “Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s growth and saves them a lot of “ ‘Dumb and Dumber,’ Lord. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract work.” a real stupid movie about…” butterflies, birds and bees, only “You aren’t going to believe this “Never mind. I think I just grubs and sod worms. It’s tem- Lord. When the grass stops grow- heard the whole story.” peramental with temperatures. ing so fast, they drag out hoses