Echols and Associates Divorce Guide
GUIDE
(405) 691-2648 www.echolslawfirm.com 9925 S. Pennsylvania Ave., Suite 100, Oklahoma City, OK 73159 405-691-2648 www.echolslawfi rm.com
Oklahoma’s Top Rated Matrimonial Lawyers
stablished in 1979, Echols & Associates is David W. Echols is a fellow in the American Academy primarily engaged in contested and complex of Matrimonial Lawyers. Jonathan Echols, named for Efamily law litigation. the third year as a Rising Star by SuperLawyers; Amy Howe, recognized for the third year by the National Our attorneys have dedicated themselves to help- Trial Lawyers Top 40 Under 40, National Academy ing clients find their future, while honoring their past, of Family Law Attorneys Top 10 Under 40 for 2015 through compassionate, knowledgeable and experi- and 2016, and American Institute 10 Best Under enced representation in the Family Courts of Oklahoma. 40 for 2015 and 2016; Ashley Rahill, Recipient of Oklahoma Bar Association President’s Award, 2012 The firm has received numerous accolades including and Leadership Academy 2014; and Kyle Endicott, being recognized for many years by the Bar Register of who is the newest member of the firm, continue to Preeminent Lawyers rated by Martindale-Hubbell for provide our clients with knowledgeable and compas- legal ability and highest professional standards. sionate representation.
In Memoriam, Judge M. Eileen Echols (March 16, 1951 – June 30, 2016)
David W. Echols Jonathan D. Echols Amy L. Howe Ashley D. Rahill Kyle L. Endicott
9925 S. Pennsylvania, Suite 100, Oklahoma City, OK 73159 405-691-2648 www.echolslawfirm.com For most people, divorce is much more than a major legal process. It’s also a challenging time of transition that can negatively impact virtually every area of life: emotional, psychological, domestic, parental, financial, physical health, social, vocational, and more. This special Divorce Guide contains helpful articles, tips, and advice to assist you and your family through this transformational process. It will help empower you to build the satisfying new post- divorce life you desire – and deserve.
4 Understanding the Divorce Process A basic primer on how the divorce process works. contents 7 5 Ways to Financially Prepare for Divorce 24 Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex Following these simple steps will ease the fi nancial shock Develop a healthy relationship post-divorce for the of divorce – and help your transition to post-divorce life. emotional and psychological well-being of your kids.
8 How to Choose a Divorce Lawyer 26 4 Questions Kids Will Ask About Your Divorce Here are the 17 questions you should ask to fi nd the right How to answer the most common questions and reassure lawyer to represent you. your children.
10 7 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Relationships 28 Documenting Your Financial Situation With insight and self-awareness, you can learn to create Collecting fi nancial information and creating a budget loving, long-term relationships in the future. will help you know where you stand.
12 7 Common Financial Divorce Mistakes to Avoid 30 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Divorce These mistakes can have devastating eff ects on your Your confi dence can take a nose-dive after divorce; here’s fi nancial well-being during and after divorce. how to get back on track.
14 Marital Property vs. Separate Property 32 7 Ways To Fight Depression and Thrive After Divorce How the courts typically defi ne separate property and When life hands you lemons, sprinkle sugar on them and marital property in divorce. enjoy a sweet lemonade.
16 Designing a Parenting Plan 34 Make Room for Spiritual Healing There are several important issues to consider as you Understanding your core values and spiritual beliefs could design your parenting plan. help you reorganize your life after divorce. 20 The Dangers of Social Media in Divorce The articles in this Divorce Guide are provided for general information and may Think twice before posting anything on social media not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a lawyer, during and after divorce: the consequences could be dire. accountant, fi nancial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily 22 5 Tips for Maintaining an In-Law Relationship represent the views of this fi rm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use Things you can do to help maintain a relationship with of materials from this Guide – including reproduction, modifi cation, or distribution – your in-laws during and after divorce. without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.
Divorce Guide | 1 preparingfordivorce Understanding the Divorce Process
Here’s a basic primer on how the divorce process typically works.
By Diana Shepherd, Divorce Financial Professional
ike snowflakes, no two divorces are identical: every marital break- Lup has its own unique legal, fi- nancial, and/or parenting issues, which require their own resolution strategies. However, every divorce undergoes the same general journey from initiation to closure. Whether you and your spouse make this journey slowly or quickly, expensively or inexpensively, stressfully or peacefully is up to you, but the desti- nation is always the same: from shared to separate lives. Here’s a basic primer of how the divorce process works in the United States and Canada. Bear in mind that you need to speak to a family lawyer to discover how the options vary in your divorce case takes six months or six A temporary order/agreement estab- state or province, as well as how the years from beginning to end, you have lishes quick decisions about the chil- details and circumstances of your situa- to keep food on the table and a roof over dren, property, bank accounts, support, tion may affect your process. your heads, among other things. During and other key issues during the separa- this temporary period before a divorce is tion period. For example, if one spouse Temporary Orders and Filing finalized, most people are able to reach moves out of the home and the other has Divorce Papers an agreement about how to pay for their no income, how will the latter feed the Although it may feel like it sometimes, expenses. If they can’t reach an agree- kids and pay the bills? One of the most life does not come to a halt while you’re ment, they might have to go to court to common temporary orders is for spousal negotiating your divorce. Whether your ask a judge to issue temporary orders. support. To obtain this order, you must
2 | Divorce Guide establish that one spouse needs the sup- If you and your spouse can’t reach an agreement, port and that the other spouse is able to pay it – which may require a Financial then your case goes to trial. Divorce trials Affidavit or Statement detailing both can take many months or even years, spouses’ living expenses and incomes. You should hire a divorce lawyer and they’re never pleasant. and/or mediator and financial advisor as soon as possible. You’ll set your tem- last five years; a recent pay slip; the can initiate this by filing a motion with porary order/agreement in a brief, rela- major assets and liabilities of both the court. A short hearing takes place in tively informal hearing before a judge, you and your spouse; budget work- which the lawyers representing you and so prepare a complete list of what you sheets; insurance policies; credit- your spouse present their cases before want to request. The items you can card statements; wills; and any the judge. In most cases, only the law- request include: temporary custody and credit or mortgage applications. yers are permitted to speak. However, if visitation arrangements; a restraining Unless you create a separation you are going the Do-It-Yourself (a.k.a. order (if there has been domestic vio- agreement, your divorce lawyer will use Pro Se) route, you’ll be able to represent lence); child or spousal support; and/or this as a starting point for the discovery yourself in this hearing. Once the judge who gets the car and house. process. Your lawyer needs as much spe- makes a decision on the matter, the regu- cific information about the marriage as lar process continues as before. Filing the Petition possible in order to work out the finan- Next, you or your spouse will file a cial and children’s issues fairly. Most of To Litigate or Negotiate? petition, application, or complaint for discovery involves financial matters, for You and your spouse must decide how divorce with your local family court. The which your lawyer needs specific, accu- to resolve your divorce. Will you fight person who files (“the plaintiff”) serves rate details. From the value of items you it out through adversarial litigation, or a summons upon the other spouse, stat- bought during the marriage to stocks, can you set aside personal feelings long ing that they want a divorce and what pensions, and revenue from a business, enough to negotiate outside of court? they are seeking in terms of property, you and your divorce professionals (e.g., Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) child custody, spousal and child support, lawyers, mediators, financial advisors, methods – such as arbitration, media- etc. The other spouse (“the defendant”) appraisers, etc.) may have to retrieve tion, and Collaborative Divorce – have must answer the summons and, if they documentation of every dollar value – become popular means of resolving wish, can make their own claim. including that of premarital assets. divorce-related issues in a cooperative environment. Some states and provinces Collecting Information and Contested vs. Uncontested have made mediation compulsory in the Discovery Divorce divorce process. You must gather all relevant information There are two general types of divorce: for your lawyer and/or financial advisor, contested and uncontested. In a con- Trial including: tested divorce, a judge will decide the If you and your spouse can’t reach an • Full names, addresses, phone outcome if you can’t come to an agree- agreement, then your case goes to trial. numbers, and Social Security or ment on your own. In an uncontested Divorce trials can take many months or Social Insurance numbers for you, divorce, both of you agree on how to even years, and they’re never pleasant. your spouse, and your children (if divide your assets and debts, who gets Generally, you and your spouse each applicable). custody and pays child support, and tell your respective side of the story • The date of marriage, date of cohab- whether one spouse needs to pay spou- in court. You take the stand, and your itation, county or region where sal support to the other. Obviously, an divorce lawyer asks you questions that the wedding occurred, the wife’s uncontested divorce will be faster and prompt you to explain your side (direct maiden name, and any informa- simpler than a contested one. However, examination), and then your spouse’s tion about prior marriages of either the more issues you’re able to resolve divorce lawyer has the option of ask- spouse (including the names and on your own means fewer to resolve in ing questions or challenging the validity prior names of ex-spouses). court – which will help to reduce your of your testimony (cross-examination). • A copy of your premarital agreement expenditures of both time and money in This process is repeated for your spouse. (or other domestic contract) and a contested divorce. Finally, the judge – who only knows you information about any prior legal through what they have heard in court proceedings, separations, or marital Motions – weighs all the evidence and makes all counseling during the marriage. If you need to readjust certain arrange- the final decisions about your divorce. • All available financial data, includ- ments during the divorce process – such ing: income-tax returns from the as custody, visitation, or support – you .../Continued on page 6
Divorce Guide | 3 is very quick, the waiting period must Divorce is never easy – and if your ex is elapse before the judge officially grants uncooperative or downright adversarial, it can turn the divorce. Lengths vary between states and provinces, but the average waiting into a long, painful, and expensive process. period is about six to 12 months. The Divorce Judgment The Issues • Child support. All parents are obli- After all the issues have been decided • Money and property. Your property gated to support their children. In a (either by you and your spouse or by will be classified as either “marital” divorce, the non-custodial parent is a judge), a court clerk reviews all the or “separate.” All marital property usually ordered to pay child support papers and sends them to the judge. will go into the marital pot that will to the custodial parent; the custo- When the judge signs a document that be divided between the two spouses, dial parent is expected to use these officially ends the marriage (a Divorce and separate property stays out of the funds to pay for the child’s expenses. Judgment Order or a Divorce Decree), pot. The rules are complicated, but “Custodial parent” means the one you are legally divorced. generally speaking, separate property that the children live with most or all The divorce process is complicated, is anything that was brought into the of the time; the “non-custodial” par- and this summary doesn’t touch on what marriage, inherited during the mar- ent would have visitation or access an emotional rollercoaster ride a divorce riage, or gifted during the marriage rights. The amount of child support is is. Divorce is never easy – and if your – and kept in one spouse’s separate based on a number of different fac- ex is uncooperative or downright adver- name. The goal of property division tors, including the annual income of sarial, it can turn into a long, painful, and is “equitable distribution” – meaning each parent, the total number of chil- expensive process. It can also damage a fair division of assets and debts. The dren in the family, and the custody your children’s psychological growth more financially complicated your arrangements for the children. if you and your spouse don’t consider divorce, the longer this will take. • Child custody and visitation. Child their well-being and act in a way that You’ll likely need an accountant, a custody has two components: legal will lead to a respectful co-parenting Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® and physical. Generally speaking, relationship post-divorce. But once it’s (CDFA®), and perhaps a business or sole legal custody means that one finalized, you’re free to start over – so the pension valuator to help you make parent has the legal authority to make sooner you reach the end, the better for all sense of all the assets. all major decisions involving his/ involved. Consult the necessary divorce • Spousal support/alimony. In family her children, while joint or shared professionals (family lawyers, divorce law, marriage is seen as a financial legal custody means that both par- mediators, CDFA professionals, accoun- partnership. When that partnership ents have an equal say in all major tants, therapists, etc.) to find out how to breaks down, the partner with more decisions about their children’s lives. reduce time, money, and emotional costs income or assets may have to pay Physical custody can be sole, split, during your divorce process. support to the other. Sometimes or joint/shared (the terminology var- ies by jurisdiction, so make sure to also known as “alimony” or “main- Diana Shepherd is the become familiar with the correct tenance,” spousal support is based co-founder and Editorial terms for your area). One of the most upon one spouse’s need and the other Director of Divorce important decisions you’ll make dur- person’s ability to pay. For instance, Magazine and a Certified ing your divorce is where and with you may “need” $5,000/month to Divorce Financial whom the children will live. Unless cover your expenses, but if your ex Analyst® (CDFA®). She your spouse is abusive, both of you is making minimum wage (and is has been writing about should work together to create an not independently wealthy), then divorce-related issues since 1996. you’re unlikely to get that $5,000/ agreement in which you both get a month. Spousal support is intended fair share in raising your children. Custody battles in court are usually to cover living expenses while the Related Article financially disadvantaged ex-spouse full of character slurs and accusa- goes back to work or school to retrain tions that are emotionally traumatic Choosing a Divorce Process for a higher-paying job. In the case of for you – and even more so for your There’s more than one way to get some long-term marriages, support children. divorced, and the process you may be ordered so that an ex-spouse choose can have a big impact on can maintain his/her pre-divorce life- The Waiting Period the final terms of your divorce. style indefinitely. Ask your lawyer There is usually a set minimum waiting www.divorcemag.com/articles/ whether you’re eligible for or likely period between the divorce petition and choosing-a-divorce-process to have to pay spousal support. the final decree. Even if your process
4 | Divorce Guide financialissues Ways to Financially Prepare for Divorce Following5 these simple steps will ease the financial shock of divorce – and put you in a better position to transition to your new life as a single individual.
By Rosemary Frank, Divorce Financial Professional
inancial issues will dominate the discussion of your divorce settle- Fment. Therefore, it makes sense to fi nancially prepare for divorce. You are preparing not only for the actual ex- penses related to the divorce process, but also for the major fi nancial adjustments that will follow. (For those of you who were looking for ways to hide assets, this is not where you will fi nd it.) Taking the following steps will help you be better prepared financially for the divorce process as well as the out- come. But remember: in spite of all your preparation, there will still be difficult times ahead.
.../Continued on page 19
Divorce Guide | 5 legalissues
How to Choose the Right Divorce Lawyer
HereHhihi are the eight questions you should hldkbfii ask before meeting withth a lawyer,ldh and the 12 questions to ask during your introductory interview to help you find the right divorce lawyer.
By Donna M. Cheswick, Divorce Financial Professional
n order to choose a good divorce professional intimidating. lawyers are in business, and you are a lawyer, a large part of your introduc- When interviewing a divorce law- potential customer who may ultimately Itory interview will involve asking yer, don’t be apprehensive or nervous, or pay thousands of dollars in services. You questions about their expertise, fees, and worry that you’re insulting them by ask- want to act responsibly by being selec- philosophy. Like many, you may fi nd ing questions. A good lawyer will value tive so that you feel comfortable and the idea of questioning a highly-trained an informed and proactive client. Also, confident in your choice.
6 | Divorce Guide marital settlement agreement? A good divorce lawyer should make an effort 10. May I have a copy of your retainer to put you at ease, use language you can agreement, engagement letter, or other contract you require so that understand, listen patiently to your questions, I can review it before agreeing to and take the time to answer respectfully. retain your services? 11. Will you provide me with copies of correspondence and legal docu- 8 Questions Before You Meet should make an effort to put you at ease, ments pertaining to my case? Obtain some preliminary information use language you can understand, lis- 12. What documents do you need from about the lawyer you are thinking of ten patiently to your questions and take me in order to get started? hiring before you meet with them. This the time to answer respectfully, and be You should never feel pressured will allow you to familiarize yourself sure you understand their responses. to “sign on the dotted line” before you with their practice – and weed out the Complimentary consultations are usu- have educated yourself and have enough ones whose philosophies are incompat- ally quite short, so you should be pre- information to make an informed deci- ible with your own. Visit the lawyer’s pared to pay the lawyer’s hourly fee sion. One of the biggest determining website, and then call their office to ask once the free period is up. factors in how your divorce will proceed a few basic questions, such as: are the choices you make in how you 1. What percentage of their business is plan to divorce, and the lawyer and other in family law? 12 Questions for the Initial professionals that you will use to help 2. How long have they been practicing Interview you get there. as a family lawyer? During your initial interview, con- 3. Does their practice include alterna- sider asking the following additional tives such as collaborative law, or questions. If not, be sure to get them Donna Cheswick ® do they encourage the use of outside answered before hiring the lawyer: (CDFA ) helps clients alternative dispute resolution/media- 1. What is your preferred strategy/ and their lawyers under- tion to minimize costs? philosophy for handling a divorce stand the financial com- 4. Do they have an introductory com- case (a lamb, a pit-bull, or a fox)? plexities surrounding plimentary consultation? If so, how 2. What percentage of your cases end divorce. She facilitates much time is allotted? up in court? What percentage of and teaches monthly 5. What is their hourly rate, and in what your cases settle out of court? Divorce Workshops for time increments do they bill? 3. What do you think I could expect Women, and she has published articles 6. Do they provide itemized invoices to pay (if you’re the higher wage on divorce and finances for national showing costs incurred and retainer earner) or receive (if you’re the print and online media. balance? lower wage earner) in spousal sup- www.medallion-wealth.com 7. What is the minimum retainer, and port and/or child support? is it refundable if not used? How is 4. Can you give me a realistic expec- replenishing that retainer handled tation of what is typical with cases Related Articles during the course of your case? similar to mine? 5 Reasons to Hire a Divorce 8. Are they a solo practitioner or do 5. Do you foresee any problems aris- Lawyer they have other lawyers at the firm? ing in my case? Choosing to represent yourself in Once you select a lawyer to inter- 6. Do you charge extra for copies, fil- court instead of hiring a divorce view, prepare a brief written overview ing fees, and other fees? lawyer could be a costly mistake. of your current situation (length of 7. What is your preferred method of Here’s why. marriage, problems leading to the deci- communication (phone call/email), www.divorcemag.com/articles/5- sion to divorce, actions taken so far, a and what is your response time to reasons-to-hire-a-divorce-lawyer summary of your marital assets/debts, communications with your office? number and ages of dependent children, 8. Do you recommend working with WATCH: 10 Tips on How to and any other complicating issues that other professionals such as a certi- Choose a Divorce Lawyer might apply) and a list of questions to fied divorce financial analyst, busi- A short video explaining how to ask the lawyer before your interview. ness valuator, forensic accountant, choose the right divorce lawyer to This will help keep the meeting on or coach/therapist if needed? suit your unique needs. track – and also help to prevent you 9. Can you provide long-range fore- www.divorcemag.com/blog/how-to- from getting overly emotional. During casts of what I should expect my choose-a-divorce-lawyer your interview, a good divorce lawyer future will look like for a potential
Divorce Guide | 7 SpecialFeature ways to Stop Sabotaging With insight and self-awareness, you can reject the faulty patterns of relating to Relationships partners you grew up with and create loving, By Terry Gaspard, Licensed Therapist long-term relationships in the future.
or the most part, people who sabo- is getting in the way of successful com- are simply errors in judgment. Take an tage relationships are not intention- munication. Is it possible that you have inventory of your mistrustful feelings Fally self-destructive. Our past ex- not come to terms with your tendency to and determine how many of them are perience can cast a large shadow over create self-destructive relationships that based on the past, rather than on your our present relationships, and we may match your negative view of yourself, partner’s present behavior. not be aware that we’re playing out old love, and commitment? As you grow patterns. and learn about yourself, it’s important Building Trust in Relationships Truth be told, most of us begin rela- to look at the choices you make and to The first step in building trust in rela- tionships with the expectation that we’ll see what lessons can be learned from tionships is to work on your fear of be happy, so we’re blindsided when they your experiences. being vulnerable and not holding in your begin to crumble. In fact, most relation- Additionally, in order to stop mistrustful feelings with partners. Trust ship saboteurs are distressed when they sabotaging relationships, you are wise is a skill that can be practiced in the con- experience a breakdown in communica- to examine how your trust issues are text of a relationship with a partner who tion with their partner and don’t really getting in the way of creating a loving is dependable and shows consistency understand why their relationships aren’t partnership. Sometimes people’s actions between his or her words and actions. working out. are not intentionally hurtful, and it’s pos- It takes time to learn to trust others if The first step in changing negative sible that he or she wasn’t aware that you've been let down in the past. patterns in relating to romantic partners this was a hot-button issue for you. Every person is born with the pro- is to check to see if your own baggage Not all mistakes are intentional – most pensity to trust others, but through life
8 | Divorce Guide experiences, you may have become Trust is about much more than catching your less trusting as a form of self-protec- tion. Perhaps one of the hardest things partner in a truth or lie. It’s about believing that he about trusting someone is learning to have confidence in your own judgment. or she has your best interests at heart. Trust is about much more than catching your partner in a truth or lie. It’s about believing that he or she has your best dynamic with your partner. It’s natu- 7. Write a new narrative or story for interests at heart. ral for one person to see their style your life – one that includes taking Many relationships are sabotaged as preferred and to be convinced your time picking partners who are by self-fulfilling prophecies. If you that their partner needs to change trustworthy and willing to work on believe your partner will hurt you, you – neglecting to see their part in the a committed relationship, if that’s can unconsciously encourage hurts to struggle. But when you begin to your desire. emerge in your relationship. But day by focus more on changing your mind- day, if you learn to operate from a view- set and way of responding to him or point that your partner loves you and her, you’ll be surprised how this can Repeating the past can be problem- wants the best for you, you can enjoy ignite positive change. atic, but with insight and self-awareness, trust in your life. For instance, you seem you can reject the faulty patterns of to have unrealistic or rigid expectations 3. Begin to see relationships as teachers. relating to partners you grew up with, of how others should treat you, and so Let go of being a victim and positive and create loving, long-term relation- you are easily disappointed. Then when things will start to happen. When you ships. Coming to grips with your fears a partner treats you badly, your suspi- see yourself as a victim, your actions and changing your responses to romantic cions are confirmed. Yet you failed to set will confirm a negative view of your- partners will take time, but it’s the first healthy boundaries from the beginning. self. Instead, focus on the strengths step in changing your perspective on People who enjoy healthy relation- that helped you cope so far in life. love and commitment. ships have learned from their mistakes Don’t obsess about past choices in and have treated their setbacks with partners, but learn from them. Terry Gaspard (MSW, compassion. With an empathetic atti- LICSW) is a licensed ther- tude, you can start to connect to the rest 4. Examine your expectations about apist, college instructor, of the world as you remember that we intimate relationships. You might and author concentrat- are all flawed in some way, and start to be focused on your dream of how a ing on divorce, women’s realize that the wonderful thing about relationship should be rather than the issues, children, and rela- behavior is that it can be improved. You reality of how it is – leading to disap- tionships. She specializes might not get a second chance at your pointment. There is no such thing as in helping people heal from the pain they relationship, but there is still a chance a soul mate or perfect partner. If your experience related to divorce and other for recovery for those who have made partner lets you down, don’t always losses. Terry and her daughter, Tracy mistakes. assume that a failure in competence Clifford, are the co-authors of Daughters is intentional – sometimes people of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of 7 Ways to Avoid Sabotaging simply make a mistake. Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship Your Relationships 5. Take things slowly before making (Sourcebooks, 2016). a commitment. Make sure you’ve www.movingpastdivorce.com 1. Gain self-awareness of your history. dated someone for at least two years For instance, if you have trust issues, and are at least in your late 20s before Related Article you may break off relationships when you make a life-long commitment to you experience conflict because you reduce your chance of divorce. Are You Sabotaging Your Own don’t trust your partner has your best Relationships? interest at heart. You’d rather be the 6. Make sure that you have common Are you a relationship saboteur? one to break things off rather than values and beliefs with people you Learn how to break your patterns – be dumped. If your parents had an date. Pinpoint destructive traits in and how to have a happy, fulfilling unhealthy relationship, find out about some of the partners you are attracted relationship. how patterns learned from them have to. Finding a good match may require www.divorcemag.com/articles/ impacted your choices in partners. that you choose a new “type” in the are-you-sabotaging-your-own- future, according to dating expert relationships 2. Accept your part in the destructive Cija Black.
Divorce Guide | 9 financialissues Common Financial 7 Divorce Mistakes to Avoid
These mistakes can have devastating effects on your financial well-being during and after divorce.
By Adrienne Rothstein Grace, Divorce Financial Professional
10 | Divorce Guide client came to me during the It’s important to know professional with experience in the very beginning stages of her divorce arena review your proposed Adivorce. She was in her mid- what you have before settlement agreement (before you sign 30s, with three children, and devas- it) and discuss with you the long-term tated. If she had allowed it to, the you can divide it. financial consequences can protect you emotion of what she was about to face and your family. would have surely blinded her vision from the practical. So I gave her this Dividing your assets Adrienne Rothstein Grace list of some divorce mistakes to avoid 4 without first creating an (CFP®, CLTC, CDFA®) – mistakes I had seen have devastating inventory brings 30 years of finan- eff ects on the fi nancial well-being of It’s important to know what you have cial advisory experience individuals after their divorce. If you before you can divide it. Your inven- to clients in transition. Her fi nd yourself in this situation, make tory should include details (including a holistic approach to finan- sure to take some notes. description, year acquired, price paid, cial transition planning and current value) of all your posses- guides clients through prudent prepara- Underestimating your sions, and whether you want to keep it, tion as well as rebuilding post-divorce. 1 expenses let your ex have it, or sell it and divide www.transitioningfinances.com Let’s face it, we often know exactly how the proceeds. It’s important to consider much we make – but it is a lot harder your property, business, investments, to explain where all that money goes. car(s), life insurance policies, and espe- Related Articles Take some time to record all of your cially pension plans, 401(k), and other Divorcing After 50? Make expenses and develop a realistic monthly retirement accounts. Also consider your Finances Your Top Priority budget. Don’t forget holiday spending, debt – dividing things up includes both If you are one of the increasing vacations, auto repair, and bills that only assets and liabilities. number of married couples going come quarterly or annually. Also con- through divorce after 50, making sider the cost of future expenses, taking Failing to insure spousal finances your top priority and inflation into account. 5 and child support payments setting financial goals could help Your ability to collect spousal and child you protect your future. Holding on to the family support is only as good as your spouse’s www.divorcemag.com/articles/ 2 home at all costs ability to pay. Consider life and disabil- divorcing-after-50-make-finances- Especially when children are involved, ity insurance policies to ensure that these your-top-priority it can be ideal to be able to keep the payments will continue in the event of family home, keep everyone comfort- your spouse’s inability to pay. Even bet- 10 Financial Matters to Take able, and avoid the hassles of moving. ter – be the owner of these policies to Care of Post-Divorce But no matter how attached you are to assure that they stay current and in force Just when you think the agony of a your home, it is crucial that you have and you remain the beneficiary. divorce is over, there is another list a realistic understanding of whether or of financial matters to take care of. not you can afford it. Like nearly every- Having unrealistic financial www.divorcemag.com/blog/ thing else, this decision is a practical 6 expectations financial-matters-take-care-post- one that relies on a solid understanding Divorce means splitting one house- divorce of your post-divorce finances – and an hold into two. Stretching your income open mind. to cover two households means that 6 Tips for Overcoming finances are going to have to tighten. Psychological Mistakes when Not taking a holistic view Expect it and plan ahead so you don’t Managing Money 3 of your finances find yourself in the hole financially. The evidence from psychology, If you examine each asset or source of behavioral finance, and investments income separately, you lose the oppor- Failing to consider your tells us that there is a range of tunity to understand the interaction of 7 long-term financial security diverse psychological mistakes taxes, capital gains, investment losses, If you simply focus on the immedi- people make with their investments. inflation, and more. Fair settlements take ate task of dividing assets and receiv- They are categorized into two areas: into account a comprehensive picture ing spousal and child support, without cognitive and emotional. of all of your finances. In doing that, understanding how things might look www.divorcemag.com/articles/6- you will better understand how each when that support terminates or you're tips-overcoming-psychological- financial decision you make may affect near retirement, you’re doing yourself mistakes-managing-money other areas. a great disservice. Having a financial
Divorce Guide | 11 legalissues
Marital Property vs. Separate Property in Divorce
Here’s an explanation of how agreements (if any). During property whose worth adds up to the percentage division, all marital property will go into specified by the judge. the courts typically define the marital pot to be divided between the Exactly what constitutes separate separate property and marital spouses, and each spouse gets to keep vs. marital property can be a gray area, property in divorce. his/her own separate property (assuming which you should discuss with your it has been kept separate for the entire divorce lawyer. However, here’s an marriage). explanation of how the courts typically By Diana Shepherd, You should know that “property define the two types of property. Divorce Financial Professional division” does not necessarily mean a physical division of all assets: physical Separate Property assets, like a house or a car, can’t be split Separate property consists of items such n a divorce, all assets are designated into two parts. Instead, the judge could as: as either separate or marital (known award each spouse a percentage of the • Property owned by either spouse Ias “community” in some states) prop- total value of the property, meaning that prior to marriage, and kept in that erty in accordance to the state or pro- each spouse will receive assets (from spouse’s separate name. vincial laws and prenuptial or marital cash to cars to real estate) and debts • Inheritance received by either spouse
12 | Divorce Guide before or during the marriage, and Marital Property Community property states are kept in that spouse’s separate name. Generally speaking, all assets acquired Alaska, Arizona, California, Idaho, • Gifts received by either spouse or earned during the marriage are con- Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, before or during the marriage by a sidered marital (or community) prop- Washington, and Wisconsin. In Alaska third party. erty – regardless of whose name it is and Tennessee, spouses can opt in to • Payment received for pain and suf- in. Marital property consists of items the community property system. The fering in a personal injury judgment. such as: remaining states are equitable distribu- Let’s look at some examples. John • Employment income tion jurisdictions. and Jane have been married for 20 years. • All bank accounts (except for those On their wedding day, she made a grand Property Division in Canada that pre-dated the marriage and did Generally speaking, property division romantic gesture and changed the title not have any marital funds – e.g., a on the lakeside cottage she had inherited in Canada works much the same way paycheck – deposited into them dur- as described above. In all provinces, the from her grandparents from her name ing the marriage) alone to both of their names. So although goal of property division is fairness – • Businesses but each province uses different rules she inherited the cottage (which would • Professional practices and licenses make it separate property), she changed to achieve a fair division. For example, • Limited partnerships some provinces don’t make a distinction the title, which made it marital. • Real estate During her marriage, Jane inherited between marital and separate property, • Vehicles and boats but how the property was acquired (i.e., $20,000 when her Uncle Pete passed • Art and antiques away. She deposited it into a bank it was a gift or inheritance, or it was • Pension and retirement plans owned by one spouse prior to the mar- account in her own name, and didn’t • Brokerage accounts, mutual funds, touch a penny of the funds. The $20,000 riage, etc.) may play an important role stocks, and bonds in how the property will be divided on would be her separate property – but in • Bonuses and commissions some states and provinces, the interest divorce. Other provinces exclude sepa- • Memberships rate property from division on divorce. on the original sum might be considered • Annuities marital property. (Ask your divorce law- Depending on the province, separate • Life insurance property that has been co-mingled yer whether this is the case in your area.) • Tax refunds Some states make a distinction with marital property could be treated Again, the distinction between as either separate or marital. However, between “active appreciation” and marital property and separate prop- “passive appreciation” when it comes as long as the assets or earnings were erty is a legal one and it varies from acquired during the marriage, the prop- time to deciding whether money is sepa- place to place, so you must speak to rate or marital. Active appreciation is erty is marital and will be divided – no your divorce lawyer about how the matter whose name it’s in. when one spouse contributes or puts in local laws might affect your property effort directly or indirectly to increase division. the value of his/her separate property, Diana Shepherd is the such as a business or other investment. Community Property vs. co-founder and Editorial Passive appreciation is when property Equitable Distribution Director of Divorce increases in value due to inflation or If you reside in a US state, and you Magazine and a Certified other reasons (sometimes, simple bank- and your spouse can’t agree on how Divorce Financial ® ® account interest). to divide jointly-owned property, Analyst (CDFA ). Let’s go back to Jane’s inheritance. then the courts will divide it for you In this example, she withdrew $15,000 according to “equitable distribution” from the $20,000 inheritance to renovate or “community property” principles. Related Article the marital home. In some states, if she (By the way, your joint debts will also can trace the $15,000 back to the original be divided according to either equi- Tax Consequences to Consider inheritance, it might still be counted in table distribution or community prop- During Property and Debt separate property; in others, she changed erty principles.) Although the specific Division the designation to marital by spending details vary from state to state, the main In divorces, some assets and debts the money on marital property. The same difference between the two schemes may be easily and fairly divisible, but would be true if she deposited the $15,000 is that in community property states, it’s not always as straightforward in a joint account, co-mingling her sepa- there is an absolute 50/50 split of all with other debts and assets. Here rate property with the marital property. property acquired during the marriage, are some tax consequences you’ll (Again, ask your lawyer whether this is whereas in equitable distribution states, need to consider. the case in your area.) more assets might be considered mari- www.divorcemag.com/blog/tax- Do you get a sense for why this can tal property, but the split is not neces- consequences-to-consider-during- be such a gray area?! sarily 50/50. property-and-debt-division
Divorce Guide | 13 childrenanddivorce Designing a Parenting Plan Here are the important issues you should consider as you design your parenting plan.
By Dr. Donald A. Gordon and Dr. Jack Arbuthnot
irginia Satir, a well-known psychologist in the family and divorce fi eld, once said, “Parents Vare teachers of human beings, not owners of human beings.” This is a wise view to keep in mind when creating your parenting plan. A child needs the love and aff ection of both parents, but they also need both as teachers. These roles should override your desire to “own” your children. Ultimately, you cannot own them: you can only prepare them for their future. How well you prepare them will ultimately refl ect your qualities as parents.
14 | Divorce Guide Another well-known expert in this In shared parenting, both parents your children; they’ll know that you field, Joan Kelly, has observed that, “It is share legal control of the children. both care about them, and they’ll see not the divorce per se, but the conditions Shared decision-making does not mean that you’re working together for their and agreements the parents create during shared time, which can vary from equal welfare. Set an example of cooperation and after the divorce that will determine time (50/50) with each parent to 60/40 – even though it may be a heroic effort. the child’s adjustment.” The marriage or even 65/35. With shared parenting, Parenting is difficult under the most is over, as are your lives as Mom and the children may live primarily with one ideal circumstances, and it is more of a Dad parenting under the same roof. You parent but they may spend more time challenge when done from two house- will begin new lives as Mom and Dad with the other parent than is normal in a holds. Plan how you will coordinate parenting apart. non-shared parenting arrangement. The your efforts: plan for the big issues (like There are three basic types of liv- parent with whom the child lives most school, religion, etc.), and plan for the ing arrangements for children: sole cus- is called the primary residential parent, small, day-to-day stuff (such as trans- tody, split custody, and shared custody. and the other is called the secondary portation, parties, etc.). You should set The most common is sole custody, in residential parent. up regular meetings, emails, or phone which one parent becomes the resident In most areas, shared parenting is calls to catch up on important develop- parent while the other has “reasonable presumed to be the best plan for chil- ments, work out schedules, and discuss access.” About 70% of all parenting dren. Judges must provide a strong rea- concerns. plans result in the mom being the resi- son if they wish to order some other Your parenting plan will spell out dent parent – although the number of arrangement; in some areas, judges have conditions and terms – some of which fathers becoming the resident parent the authority to order shared parenting can be legally enforced. Take the time to increases with income. if they believe it would be best for the design a good, flexible plan. Someday, child, or if one parent requests it. as young adults, your children will look The Language of Parenting Many judges require parents to back on their childhood and judge how Plans develop a parenting plan before grant- well you both handled this difficult Most parents say they want to “win cus- ing a divorce. Conflict between the par- time. They will look at how you coop- tody” of the kids. This suggests con- ents can be minimized by a written plan erated, and they’ll remember if you put trol – or possession – of the children stating specific dates and times when their interests ahead of your “marital is the goal. Instead, your goal should each is in charge of the child; because issues.” be to work out the best parenting plan everything is in writing, there is less for your children, so call it a parenting need for parents to negotiate or argue. Frequency of Contact with Each plan rather than a custody battle. The Adherence to the plan will increase trust Parent child may be in one parent’s home more between the parents and encourage them The amount of time children should than the other; refer to that person as to cooperate in the future. spend with each parent is one of the the “primary residential parent,” not as most fought-over issues in a family the “custodial parent.” The other parent Guiding Questions for break-up. It is also the most misunder- should be viewed as the “secondary Parenting Plans stood by all involved – including par- residential parent,” not someone who There are several important issues you ents, lawyers, and judges. As a result, just has visitation rights. No caring and should think about as you design your parenting plans are often flawed, which involved parent wants to just “visit” his parenting plan. Ask yourself: can cause a great deal of emotional suf- or her kids. 1. What goals for our children do we fering for children. In split parenting plans custody of both share? There has been much psychologi- the children is divided: one or more 2. How will we continue to be effective cal research on children’s attachment to child/ren may go to one parent, and parents in separate households? their parents, and the most recent find- the other child/ren the other; boys 3. Do I only want to resolve our legal ings are clear: children – particularly often go to fathers and girls to moth- matters, or also our family issues? young children – need frequent and ers. However, this is rare in initial sepa- 4. How do we want our children to meaningful contact with both parents. ration decrees, and it generally only look back on this time and on our A young child becomes deeply attached happens when there are unusual cir- behavior as parents? to both parents at a very early age; to cumstances. It may occur when a child You need to spend time talking be separated from either parent causes is old enough to choose which parent about what goals you have for your distress and can even cause trauma. they wish to live with (age 12 in some children, what their childhood should be Young children need frequent tran- jurisdictions). Many people believe it like, what you want them to be like both sitions to ensure continuity and provide is a bad idea to separate siblings, but as children and adults, and what each comfort. This goes against what many there isn’t enough good research to cor- of you can contribute to these goals. people assume is “common sense”, roborate this. Write it down on paper and share it with and many parents, lawyers, and judges
Divorce Guide | 15 misunderstand this fact. Although qual- carved in stone. It is not an unchanging ity of contact is more important than Unfortunately, a document, and you should be prepared quantity, there must be enough quan- concept of stability to modify it over time. The truly wise tity. Infants and toddlers form bonds mother and father can sometimes antici- with both parents, and extended separa- – one home, one bed – pate some future changes, which could tions put these bonds at risk over time. be built into the original court decree. Fathers, especially, are likely to drop out for children However, few of us are able to predict of the child’s life. If court orders restrict still prevails. the future, so be prepared to work with the father’s access to a young child, it the other parent. You’ll have to make may cause a decline in contact with the changes when necessary, and the best father over time. This decline in contact the major issues that most parents face: way to do this is by mutual agreement. can also happen with the mother. 1. A child needs two loving, caring, If you cannot create a parenting The ideal situation for young chil- competent parents. plan yourselves, work with a mediator, dren is to interact with both parents 2. Both parents have a right to an ac- parenting expert, or other third party. daily. Some interaction is functional, tive role in their child’s develop- Put into your plan that you both agree including meals, bedtime routines, ment. to mediate before court action. limit-setting, discipline, and play. After 3. Both parents must be willing to age two, most children can tolerate two share in the tasks of parenthood. back-to-back overnights with one par- 4. Conflict and competition over the This article was adapted ent. Avoid long separations lasting more children will hurt both them and with permission from than five days. you. What About the Children? Frequent contact will mean more Your parenting plan should be spe- A Simple Guide for transitions from one house to the other. cific; this way, everyone is clear about Divorced/Separated and Many people – including some judges – what will happen and when. Here Divorcing Parents (CDE, automatically assume this is bad. They are some reasons to be as specific as eighth edition, 2011) by assume that frequent transitions will possible: Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) upset a child, and should be avoided. 1. Children need predictability. and Jack Arbuthnot But there is evidence to the contrary: 2. Parents will experience less conflict (Ph.D.). The Center for even a young child will get used to if plans are specific. Divorce Education (CDE) frequent transitions if they are not too 3. It is easier to recognize when a plan is dedicated to advocating for children stressful. needs to be modified if its terms are and helping parents to minimize the Unfortunately, a concept of stability clearly spelled out in detail. harmful effects that divorce and separa- – one home, one bed – for children still 4. The time and energy of the courts tion has on children. prevails. The concept has been empha- and lawyers will be better used if a online.divorce-education.com sized too much in many courts, and it plan is specific. It will result in few- is to the detriment of the child’s other er phone calls in the middle of the needs. They need strong and meaning- night, and fewer court filings. Related Articles ful relationships with both parents, and Finally, recognize that no plan is most children adapt quickly to having perfect, and most plans need to change Shared Parenting Pros and Cons two homes. over time as children develop and their Successful shared parenting benefits Research points out that less fre- lives and needs change. both children and parents, but it is quent transitions may cause more stress. not appropriate for all families. Children must leave the home they have Flexibility Is Essential www.divorcemag.com/articles/ been in for a week or more, and they Although parenting plans need to be shared-parenting-pros-and-cons must also leave their second parent and specific to minimize conflict and mis- go “home” with the prospect of not see- understandings, be aware that situations How Often Do Non-Custodial ing the second parent for a long time. – and people – change over time. For Parents See Their Children? Frequent transitions between homes most families, anger will diminish over The impact of infrequent or no eliminate this problem. time. Parents usually remarry or re-cou- contact with a non-custodial parent ple, and stepchildren may enter the pic- after a divorce can be devastating for Outlining the Issues ture. And, of course, your own children a child. You must discuss the parenting plan for will age and mature. Their interests will www.divorcemag.com/articles/how- your child, and both parents must be change, and the need for parental input often-do-non-custodial-parents-see- clear about the issues. What assump- in their lives will also change. their-children tions should you start with? Here are A parenting plan should not be
16 | Divorce Guide Financially Prepare / Continued from page 7 Divorce is like no other life experience, and trying 1. Save Money to go through it without professional help is like Forego as many unnecessary expen- ditures as possible and save funds to trying to take out your own appendix. pay for your divorce team of profes- sionals: therapist, financial advisor, and documents you can: tax returns, payroll refinanced individually; determine if it lawyer. You will need the assistance vouchers, bank and investment account might be easier to pay off the debt com- of these experts, who help people like statements, retirement plan and account pletely rather than trying to refinance you through divorce on a daily basis, statements, pension information, credit it. In anticipation of closing all jointly- just to understand what is happening to reports, mortgage statements, etc. Think held credit cards, prepare by ensuring you and what to do about it. Divorce is about every dollar that flows into or out that you have at least two cards in your like no other life experience, and trying of your household and get some docu- individual name that will survive the to go through it without professional mentation to substantiate the income or divorce. help is like trying to take out your own expense. This seems ambitious, but just Basic preparation for the impact of appendix. do the best you can. Your lawyer and divorce will ease the financial shock of it divorce financial advisor will help you all. By following these five simple steps, 2. Take Care of Delayed Needs with whatever may be difficult to obtain you will find yourself better able to cope This is going to seem in direct conflict and/or understand. with other unanticipated issues as well with number one – and in some cases, as be in a better position to transition to it might be. However, if you’ve been 4. Prepare for a Better Career your new life as a single individual. putting off some non-urgent medical Plan on ramping up your career or or dental care, you should get it done replacing your current low-paying job before embarking on a process that will with a career. Whatever your circum- Rosemary Frank (MBA, likely sap your strength and negatively stances, your household income is about CDFA®/ADFA®, CFE, affect your overall health. In addition, to be reduced and you’ll need to increase MAFF) has worked on ask yourself why you may have been your earning potential. If you require dozens of divorce cases delaying taking care of yourself. If you additional education or training, plan on providing litigation sup- have delayed things like home repairs or determining the funds needed for that port, expert witness testi- necessary replacement of a vehicle, bet- and make it part of your divorce settle- mony, or financial neutral ter to do it before the divorce while the ment negotiations. Your future finan- consultant services. She has extensive current household income is fully avail- cial well-being will depend upon your experience with high-net-worth situa- able. Remember, you and your spouse ability to be financially self-sufficient. tions as well as highly contested divorce. “wore out” these items during the mar- A career with long-term growth poten- www.rosemaryfrank.com riage, so it is appropriate that marital tial is clearly different from a “McJob,” funds are used to restore or replace that which may fill a short-term need for value. Of course, I’m not suggesting that limited income. Related Article you should replace your 1997 Chevy Cavalier with a brand-new Porsche 911; 5. Pay Down Joint Debt Charting Your Living Expenses if you’re using marital funds for the pur- Seriously consider paying down any During Divorce chase, buying a luxury car will make unnecessary credit-card debt. If you During your divorce, you need to the marital “pot” that you’ll be dividing have the funds in a checking account, have a complete understanding smaller – and you may have to give up or in an easily liquidated reserve, elimi- of your own as well as your ex’s some other asset to keep that car in the nate debt that is considered joint by a financial situation. Here’s help divorce. creditor, because there will be no way figuring out your living expenses. to modify the ultimate responsibility for www.divorcemag.com/articles/ 3. Understand Your Finances that obligation: it will remain shared in charting-your-living-expenses- However much you think you under- spite of who is assigned responsibility during-divorce stand about your household finances, for payment as part of your divorce focus on learning more. You can never decree. Joint mortgages and know too much – and the more vehicle loans will need to be you know, the better deci- sions you will be able to make regarding set- tlement. Collect all the
Divorce Guide | 17 legalissues
The Dangers of Social Media in Divorce
You should think carefully before ocial media is a critical issue that impacts everyone who deals with divorce – from the divorcing couple themselves to the professionals you post anything on social media Swho work with them. Every day, I think that I’ve heard it all – and during – and even after – divorce. then there will be new issues involving social media and my divorcing Post the wrong item and the clients. I always warn my clients to avoid social media as much as pos- sible during a divorce or other family law proceeding. consequences could be terrible. More and more people are posting everything about their lives on Facebook and other social media sites. In 2014, Facebook and other social By Henry S. Gornbein, Family Lawyer media were the main cause of 20% of all divorces; that number is now up to one-third of all divorces.
18 | Divorce Guide People have lost custody of their Facebook and other social media sites. 3. Be careful with what you say in children because of posts and activities I have had clients reconnect with old emails and texts. They can be used that have been picked up through social high-school sweethearts and literally against you as evidence in a divorce. media. Examples include bad-mouthing move across the country in the middle The “e” in e-mail stands for “evidence.” the other parent excessively on social of a divorce. In one case where I was 4. Monitor your children. Children’s media, and being caught in question- representing the father, the mother access to computers can become able or illegal activities such as being an abandoned her children – and my major issues. I have a case where my escort through social media. Other cases client – to move across the country. client’s young daughters have been include spouses being involved with Needless to say, my client obtained exposed to pornography when left another party with the children being full custody of their three children. unattended by their father who left included in Facebook postings. Other 3. The Internet is a source for day them with his girlfriend’s 11-year-old cases where there has been an impact trading and e-trading where people daughter while he and his girlfriend on custody include parents who would can lose their life savings. This can were in another part of the house. post pictures of their children on the come as a shock to the non-investor 5. Deleted does not mean gone. There same site where they were also involv- spouse during property division. ing themselves with escort services or is always a permanent record of your pornography. With all of the lurkers and 4. Online gambling is another sig- emails and other postings. This is crazies out there, any post or controver- nificant factor that has resulted in where forensic experts can become sial case comes with people promoting a many divorces. Think of the fantasy so important in a divorce action. cause or sideline quarterbacking. football sites that generate billions of The bottom line is that you should The Internet provides access to dollars in revenue by way of example. think carefully before you post anything everyone. When you’re going through 5. It’s easy to access drugs – both pre- on social media during – and even after a divorce or custody suit, you don’t want scription and illegal – online. In 2013, – divorce. Push the wrong button or post your dirty laundry aired all over social the owner of the “Silk Road” (an the wrong item and the consequences media, and you don’t want everyone online black market and the first mod- could be horrible. We live in an age commenting on or knowing about your ern darknet market) was sentenced where almost anything can go viral – private lives. Remember that divorces to life in prison for dealing illegal and it could cost you dearly. and other family law court proceedings narcotics through this very success- are public records. We sadly live in an ful website. Although the FBI shut age where there is too much information down the Silk Road, various successor Henry Gornbein is available and where everyone can think websites continue to pop up. a partner at the law that he or she is an expert and knows firm of Lippitt O’Keefe 6. There are websites that encourage more than the attorneys or judges about Gornbein, PLLC in infidelity. Ashley Madison’s motto particular matters. Birmingham, Michigan. was: “Life is Short – Have An Affair.” There’s an old saying that people His practice is exclu- That site was hacked in July 2015, and often have part of the story or part of the sively devoted to family the hackers released contact informa- facts, but does anyone know the whole law. His book, Divorce Demystified: tion for thousands of users in August. story? Everyone has a different perspec- Everything You Need To Know Before After that, some of my clients’ spouses tive based upon his or her knowledge of You File For Divorce (Momentum had a lot of explaining to do. the facts. Books, 2014), is available on Amazon. 7. An angry or unhinged person can www.lippittokeefe.com stalk or bully their ex-spouse online. 7 Ways the Internet Can Related Article Help Ruin a Marriage (and 5 Tips for Using the Internet Complicate a Divorce) Social Media and Divorce: A During Divorce Dangerous Combination 1. You can be anyone you want to be Social media has both pros and online. It’s so easy to be deceptive. I 1. Don’t post messages or photos on cons, and this is amplified during had a client who ran off to England for Facebook or other sites that could the divorce process. Be cautious another man only to lose thousands come back to haunt you. of both the legal and emotional of dollars though a Nigerian scam. 2. Think twice before participating potential consequences of social People are more dishonest online than in intimate photos or videos at any media posts. they are in face-to-face relationships time. They can come back to haunt www.divorcemag.com/blog/social- because it is easier to lie when you you. Some people running revenge media-and-divorce-a-dangerous- have some anonymity. porn sites have been sentenced to long combination 2. Many affairs begin online through prison terms.
Divorce Guide | 19 SpecialFeature
By Dr. Deanna Conklin-Danao, Clinical Psychologist TipsTips forfor MaintainingMaintaining anan In-LawIn-Law RelationshipRelationship Post-DivorcePost-Divorce Relationships with the in-laws naturally change during and after a divorce, but there are things you can do to help maintain those connections. 5205 | Divorce Guide ivorce affects relationships. conversation. You and your in-laws may there are no issues of abuse or addic- While most people think about need several conversations or interac- tion.) Even if a close relationship isn’t Dhow divorce will impact rela- tions to establish your new normal. It possible, forging a cordial relationship tionships with their spouse, children and may take a while to find a balance that with your in-laws will benefit your chil- friends, one that is often forgotten is the is comfortable for everyone. dren. Just as you don’t want your chil- in-law relationship. dren to feel trapped in the middle of you While the stereotypical in-law 4. Be Direct and your ex-spouse during a divorce, relationship is adversarial, the reality is While the previous points stressed being you don’t want your children to feel that many married people enjoy warm realistic, flexible and patient, at some stuck in the middle of your conflict with and loving relationships with their in- point you will need to have direct com- their grandparents or aunts or uncles. laws. In instances where a person’s rela- munication with your in-laws if you You can’t make your in-laws continue tionship with their family of origin is want to maintain that relationship. You a positive relationship with you. However, strained, in-laws can even become a sur- shouldn’t have this discussion right after following these tips will help you do your rogate family, creating missing parental you announce the divorce; give them part to maintain or re-establish that rela- and/or sibling bonds. some time to digest the information. tionship, if they are open to it. Divorce will What happens when the marriage When you do talk with them, be direct complicate this relationship (and many that created those bonds disappears? Is and compassionate, as this conversation others), but it doesn’t have to end it. it possible to lose your spouse but keep is likely very hard for them as well. Try their family? While divorce will undoubt- something like: “I realize this is compli- edly complicate your relationship with cated, but I wanted to talk directly with Deanna Conklin-Danao your in-laws, it doesn’t have to end it. you because I value our relationship and is a clinical psycholo- want that to continue. I realize it will gist, divorce coach, and The 5 “Bs” for Maintaining look different moving forward, and I’m child specialist prac- hoping to find a way for us to do that ticing in Chicago. She a Relationship with Your In-Laws together.” If kids are involved, you will helps people navigate want to address that as well: “I also want the divorce process in 1. Be Realistic us to be on good terms for the kids.” a respectful and con- Even if you’ve known your in-laws for structive manner to decrease the time, years and developed a strong and loving 5. Be Respectful expense, and emotional toll of divorce. bond with them, they may feel obligated This is such a key piece for your rela- www.drconklindanao.com (or have been told by their child/sibling) tionship with your in-laws following the to limit their contact with you. This type divorce. Do not say negative things about Related Articles of separation may be extremely pain- your ex-spouse and do not put them in ful; it may even be more painful for you the position of taking sides. At the end of In-laws and Outlaws: Tips for than the loss of your spouse. While this the day, their child/sibling is still a family Divorcing Couples and Their change may be difficult for you, try to member. Also, don’t use your interactions Families empathize with their struggle and desire with your in-laws as a way to find per- When you get divorced, do you have to remain loyal to their child/sibling. sonal information about your ex. These to “divorce” your spouse’s friends boundaries will help everyone feel that a and family – and vice-versa? Read 2. Be Flexible continued relationship is healthy. some great tips for the divorcing There is no roadmap for maintaining an Similar to your relationships with couple and their families. in-law relationship post-divorce. It’s rare your spouse and your children, the pro- www.divorcemag.com/articles/ that your choice will be as stark as either cess of divorce can play a significant in-laws-and-outlaws-tips-for- never seeing them again or enjoying the role in whether or not you maintain a divorcing-couples-and-families exact relationship you had before the relationship with your in-laws. Working divorce. It may be difficult to establish through your issues with your spouse in Divorcing Your Spouse, Keeping the “ground rules” for this new phase, a respectful manner can set the stage for Your In-Laws and it may take some time for both of a better relationship with your in-laws. Losing the relationship you once had you to find something that works. Be The final point is to keep your with your in-laws is an unfortunate open and flexible. The more that you children’s best interests in mind as you result of divorce. However, while it’ll can show that you are open and willing develop your post-divorce relationship never be the same, it’s still possible to adapt, the easier it will be for them. with your in-laws. The more people to keep your in-laws in your life. who love your children, the better off www.divorcemag.com/articles/ 3. Be Patient your children are; maintaining relation- divorcing-your-spouse-keeping- Establishing a stable relationship will ships with extended family is beneficial your-in-laws not be achieved quickly or with one to everyone. (This, of course, assumes
Divorce Guide | 21 childrenanddivorce
Tips for Healthy Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex
While the process of a divorce By Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford, usually signals an end to the intimate Forensic Psychologist 7 ost of us are aware of the challenges that go along with the relationship between the parents, there is still a co-parenting relationship breakdown of the family when partners divorce. Once a couple Mdecides to divorce, many issues and questions arise that had that needs to continue when there never been previously contemplated by the couple – such as who gets are children involved. Parents need custody of the children, how to divide the marital property, child and/or spousal support, etc. to develop a healthy relationship The process of divorcing one’s spouse can be extremely difficult post-divorce for the emotional and in and of itself. However, when you combine the process of divorce psychological well-being of the with custody and other parenting issues, the process can become much children. more challenging. For many dueling spouses, the process of separating
22 | Divorce Guide themselves from their marital partners child is around. Although some divorces process of healing from the divorce and and maintaining a parental relationship can be contentious with understandably becoming more effective parents. By with their children can be a tricky bal- hurt feelings and anger, children should knowing what upset you about a former ancing act. be protected at all times from emotional spouse, you can develop options to man- Once the divorce is finalized and pain. Both parents are required to pro- age your responses to the triggers. each parent is living in separate envi- vide a safe, secure, and healthy emo- ronments, one parent might still be tional support network. Do Not Provide Your consumed with anger, hurt, or resent- Child Detailed Reasons ment, making it difficult to move past Identify What Is Most 6 for Your Divorce the divorce. Some parents find it tough Important to You as a It is only natural for children to question to separate negative feelings about a 2 Parent their parents about the reasons leading to former spouse without including their Creating a healthy partnership with the their divorce; however, the explanation children, forcing them to choose sides other parent reduces the likelihood of should not include blaming the other between their parents. making a child feel he or she needs to parent, cheating, the other parent no lon- Unfortunately, once parents engage pick a side between the parents. Children ger wanting to be a family, etc. Simple in a battle to pollute their children’s feel- should be reassured that although par- explanations such as “we decided we did ings about the other parent, toxic co-par- ents no longer love each other romanti- not want to remain married, but we are enting usually follows. As parents, we cally, they still have some degree of love still a family” answers the child’s ques- all wonder how children will respond to and respect for the other parent because tion without assigning blame. a divorce once we have made the deci- they share children. sion to end a marriage. We often wonder Respect Your Children’s if our children will hate us, blame us for Support Communication Relationship with the the divorce, or will have a difficult time Between Your Child and 7 Other Parent adjusting to a one-parent household. Our 3 Ex-Spouse Be encouraging and avoid interfer- main priority as parents, divorced or not, Recognize that your child needs to have ing. Divorce is not only confusing is to ensure that our kids have a happy, ongoing access and communication for spouses but for children as well. healthy, stable, and balanced life. But with both parents. Don’t avoid com- Children need to know that even if their for many divorcing or divorced parents, municating with the other parent about parents are no longer together, the par- emotions run high and conflict with our any issues pertaining to the children. ents’ love towards the children remains former spouse feels unavoidable. Each parent should have an honest and and has not been changed or affected by For some couples, it is not easy loving relationship with their children, the divorce. to separate when you share a child so be sure what you are saying to your with someone and both parties desire children about respecting the other par- Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford and intend to remain an active part of ent matches how you speak and behave is a forensic psycholo- the child’s life. While the process of a toward the other parent. gist specializing in famil- divorce usually signals an end to the inti- ial dysfunctions, as well mate relationship between the parents, Consider the Other Parent as a marriage, couples, there is still a co-parenting relationship When Making Decisions and family therapist in that needs to continue when there are 4 about Your Child Orlando, FL. She has more children involved. Parents are encouraged to consider the than 15 years of experience Parents need to develop a healthy other parent’s point of view whenever working with couples and families deal- relationship post-divorce for the sake parental decisions need to be made. ing with issues of divorce-related issues. and well-being of their children. It is Remember that both parents love the www.familymatterscounselinggroup.org essential for the child’s emotional and children equally, so it is only fair that psychological health that each parent you listen without judgment to any of Related Article behaves respectfully toward each other their parenting suggestions and con- and does not try to interfere with or cerns. After all, if you’re initiating the Successful Co-Parenting undermine the child’s relationship with concern, consider what the other co-par- Communication After Divorce the other parent. ent might be thinking or how they might In order to “normalize” the post- be reacting to what you are saying. divorce co-parenting situation as Avoid Speaking much as possible, you need to make Negatively About the Learn to Identify What all communication clear – with your 1 Other Parent to the Child Triggers Negative children and with your ex-spouse. Do not speak negatively of the other 5 Reactions from Your Ex www.divorcemag.com/articles/co- parent to the child or in an unflattering By identifying what triggers negative parenting-communication way about the other parent when the behaviors, former spouses can begin the
Divorce Guide | 23 childrenanddivorce
44QUESTIONSQUESTIONS YourYour KidsKids Will Ask About YourYour DivorceDivorce Be prepared for your child to have plenty of questions and fears racing through their minds at this time. Here’s how to answer some of the most common questions – and reassure your children – during your divorce. By Audrey Cade nnouncing your plans to divorce into the loop challenging, but for diff er- take the straight-up approach, explain- to your kids is one of the most ent reasons. ing that mommy and daddy can’t live Adiffi cult moments of the process. Younger children first need to have together anymore, while others try to Obviously, it has to be done because, the concept explained before they can soften the blow with promises of dupli- before long, one parent will leave the even begin to comprehend what it will cate holidays. However you deliver the home, and other big changes will be mean in their lives, while older children message, your kids are bound to be just around the corner. The ages of the already know what it is and will have full of questions. Here are four of the children and their understanding of what more complex fears and emotions about most common questions kids ask about “divorce” is also makes bringing kids how it will affect them. Some parents divorce.
24 | Divorce Guide Will You Stop What Will My Life If they miss friends from the old Loving Me, Too? Be Like Now? neighborhood, let them have a sleepover. It seems pretty logical for a child to draw As it is their life, too, it only makes If they want to say “goodnight” to Dad the conclusion that if Mom and Dad sense that your kids will be concerned before bed, let them give him a call. In once professed to love one another for- about what the schedule will be like, short, find ways to make the massive ever and were once so happy together, where they will live, what their space blow of divorce as tolerable as possi- that your love for them must also have will be like in each home, and so on. ble. If your kids demonstrate behavior limits or conditions. How frightening Tell them about every detail that you that shows you they are really strug- to watch Mom and Dad separate every- do know and be honest about what still gling (e.g., extreme anger or sadness, thing they own, not get along anymore, needs to be decided or that you’re not self-harming behavior, big changes in and make plans to forever sever their privy to. appearance or social activities), get them relationship! For instance, you may not personally professional help to cope. Otherwise, Even if your children never vocalize have any idea what their room will be like any child can benefit from drawing or this fear, your should reassure them that at Dad’s house, but you can at least reas- writing about how they feel, talking a parent’s love is a deeper and stronger sure them that you’re sure Daddy will do about their feelings, and finding comfort love than they could ever imagine, and all that he can to make a space for them in routines and rituals. that there’s no way you could ever stop with everything they need. Be prepared for your child to have loving them. Explain how seriously you You can provide the kids with a plenty of questions and fears racing took the marriage commitment, and that copy of the schedule on a calendar or through their minds at this time. Kids you wouldn’t just stop loving their other in an app to allow them to know where won’t always know the best ways to parent for trivial reasons; let them know they’re projected to be on any given date express what they’re thinking and feel- that you made the decision, in part, to so that they can mentally plan out their ing, so their questions may manifest create the best environment for them lives or discuss these things with you. more through their actions, or they might away from conflict. Make them aware that you remem- take some time to formulate what they ber all of their special events at school, need to say. Try to be proactive about Why Did games, and so on, and that you’ll make anticipating what they may be curious This Happen? every effort to be there for them. In the and worried about. Honesty is important, but it is also beginning, all of you will be flounder- important to present things in an age- ing to get your bearings and become Audrey Cade is the author appropriate way. Your children, no accustomed to the schedule, so keep the of Divorce Matters: matter what age, do not need to hear all doors of communication open and be Help for Hurting Hearts the sordid details of Dad’s infidelity or willing to answer every question as best and Why Divorce is Mom’s drinking problem (or whatever you can. Sometimes the Best your issues were). Older children will Decision (Amazon, 2016) likely already be aware of some of the Why Are You Doing and the matriarch of a issues – or at least that their parents were This to Me? blended family of eight. An experienced unhappy. Of course, you and your ex didn’t “divorce warrior” in the areas of co- You can present age-appropriate divorce with the intent to make your parenting, step-parenting, and paren- factual information that doesn’t cross kids unhappy or to complicate every- tal alienation, Audrey is a featured the line into TMI territory or engage in one’s lives more. However, kids will blogger for www.DivorcedMoms.com. trashing the other parent. Some aspects notice that holidays or special occasions www.divorcewarrior1.com of the divorce will never be anyone else’s may be interrupted mid-way for them business because they were between you to be shipped off to the other parent’s Related Article and your spouse. Period. You will have home; they may have to move or change to decide what is necessary for the kids schools, and just generally feel like their 5 Tips for Telling Your Kids About to know to help them make sense of the whole world has been turned upside- Your Divorce situation without turning them against a down. It’s natural for kids to be angry, Experts agree that, far too often, parent or overwhelming them with pri- feel inconvenienced, and need to place it’s children who suffer most in vate adult issues. blame on someone for seemingly ruin- separation or divorce proceedings. A core fear tucked at the heart of ing their lives. All you can do is try to It’s important to handle telling them this question may be a child’s belief offer as much consistency and familiar- in a mature, adult manner. that they are responsible for the divorce. ity to their lives as possible, minimize www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Whether or not they actually ask this the number of major changes occurring telling-your-kids-about-your- question, you must tell your kids that at once, and address their questions as divorce they are absolutely not responsible! honestly and appropriately as you can.
Divorce Guide | 25 FinancialIssues
Documenting Your Financial Situation
Collecting financial information and creating a budget will help 2. List Your Assets your divorce lawyer and financial advisor do their jobs most Creating a detailed list of all your assets, from real estate to retirement plans, can effectively – and let you know where you stand. help simplify the property-division pro- cess during divorce. When you start to By Diana Shepherd, Divorce Financial Professional make your list, make sure to include all of the following items owned by you our divorce lawyer and your fi - your weekly, monthly, and annual liv- and your spouse – both individually nancial professional are going ing expenses, which includes everything (separate property) and together (mari- Yto ask you to gather information from mortgage/rent to food, clothing, car tal property). and documents for them, so you might expenses, etc. Here are some tips: • Financial accounts/investments: as well start this process now. Here are • Make a list of your assets and assign including bank checking and sav- some things you should consider and values to each of them (see #2, ings accounts, certificates of deposit prepare for as you go through the di- below, for help with this); (CDs), mutual fund accounts, vorce process. • Ask your divorce lawyer to help you stocks, bonds, and other financial determine which ones are marital investments 1. Early Divorce Stages and which are separate property; • Pension and retirement plans/ If you are in the early stages of your • List your debts, determining which benefits: including profit-sharing divorce you will need to compile infor- ones are joint and which are separate; plans mation regarding all the assets and debts • Determine your current and post- • Cash-value life insurance policies acquired during marriage; assets acquired divorce needs; and annuities before the marriage, or at any time via • Start making a budget. (See #4 and 5, • Trusts: especially trusts where you gift or inheritance; all sources of income right, for information on how to cre- are a/the beneficiary for you and your spouse; and a list of ate pre- and post-divorce budgets.) • Real estate: including the marital
26 | Divorce Guide home, vacation homes, and invest- 3. List Your Debts and divorce-related costs, you need to ment properties Compiling a list of all your liabilities take a hard look at your expenses and • Vehicles: including cars, trucks, – including all loans, mortgages, and see where you can trim them. Ask your motorcycles, motorhomes, boats, other debts – is an important aspect financial professional for help with this ATVs, etc. of preparing for your divorce. When process. If you’re still coming up short, • Household furniture and appli- you start to make a list of your debts, you may need to dip into savings and/ ances: bear in mind that unless make sure to include all of the follow- or speak to your lawyer about the pos- your furniture is a valuable antique, ing items owed by you and your spouse sibility of increasing the amount of sup- you’ll be getting garage-sale prices – both individually and together. port you’ll receive during the divorce for all of these – even that 60” flat- process. If your spouse can’t afford to screen TV • Loans: including car loans, educa- pay more support, the two of you will • Valuable jewelry and art tional loans (for tuition), personal have to consider liquidating and divid- • Collections and memorabilia: loans, business loans, promissory ing some marital property so you can including gold and silver coins, notes, and lines of credit both pay your bills. stamps, comic books, sports memo- • Leases: for vehicles, electronics, You can download an “Expense rabilia, etc. property, etc. Worksheet” to help you complete this • Expensive power tools • Financing household equipment: task at: • Country club, golf course, and including appliances, electronics, download.divorcemag.com/divorce- other memberships: these can be furniture magazine/pdf/expense_worksheet.pdf worth thousands of dollars • Mortgage(s) • Expensive musical instruments, • Home equity loans or balances on 5. Create a Post-Divorce Budget and hobby or sports equipment home equity lines of credit Once you have finalized your divorce • Businesses: including any owner- • Credit-card debt: including bank, agreement – including property divi- ship interest you or your spouse has department store, and gas cards. sion and spousal and/or child support, in a business. This includes profes- • Back taxes owed if applicable – you’ll be equipped to sional practices (doctor, dentist, • Professional debts create a realistic post-divorce budget lawyer, etc.) • Business liabilities for your living expenses. Use the pre- divorce budget you created as a starting Here are some frequently-over- For each debt, include informa- point, since your post-divorce budget looked assets: tion about whether the liability is will include almost all of the same • Stock options joint or separate (if the latter, who is items (with the exception of divorce- • Retained earnings responsible for it), how much is still related bills, once you have finished • Deferred bonuses owed, the interest rate, and repayment paying your professional team). • Vacation pay details (including monthly payment • Benefits from previous employers amount and due-date, and the term, if Diana Shepherd is the • Tax refunds (from joint returns) applicable). co-founder and Editorial • Capital loss carryover Director of Divorce • Property tax reimbursement 4. Create a Pre-Divorce Budget Magazine and a Certified • Contents of safety deposit boxes By creating a budget, you’ll reduce Divorce Financial • Prepaid insurance premiums the uncertainty and guesswork about Analyst® (CDFA®). She • Frequent flyer points what you can and can’t afford both has been writing about • Credit card reward points during and after the divorce. You need divorce-related issues since 1996. • Season tickets (sporting events, to determine what your current living concerts, theater) expenses are and how you’ll pay for • Timeshares these expenses; potential sources of Related Article • Prepaid professional dues income during divorce include your own employment income, and spou- 7 Ways a Single Parent Can Stay Ask your financial professional if sal and/or child support (if you’ll be Financially Fit you’re unsure which of these apply to receiving these). In addition to your Financial tips that will help keep you your situation – and whether they are regular living expenses, you need to and your bank account happy, and significant enough to worry about. You make a budget for professional help give you plenty of time to relax and can download an “Asset Worksheet” to from a divorce lawyer, mediator, enjoy yourself. help you complete this task at: financial professional, valuator, etc. If www.divorcemag.com/blog/ways- download.divorcemag.com/divorce- your income from all sources won’t be single-parent-can-stay-financially-fit magazine/pdf/asset_worksheet.pdf enough to cover your living expenses
Divorce Guide | 27 HealthandWellbeing 5Ways
to Build Confidence After Divorce Your confidence can take a nose-dive after divorce. This short step-by-step guide offers ways to boost confidence and get back on track.
By Wendi Schuller, Therapist which is central to their choir. One may Do a Self-Inventory be surprised at how many areas of con- etting a divorce can aff ect one’s The first step for gaining fidence outweigh what scares them. self-confi dence. One may have 1 more confidence is to do People sometimes focus on the negatives Gto get a job, move to a diff er- a self-inventory. In what instead of the positives and feel that they ent locale, or meet new people. A lot areas do you feel over- lack confidence in general, rather than is thrown at you at once. Divorce does whelmed and could use improving? in a few specific aspects of their lives. not defi ne who you are, but it is a word Think about where you excel, such as indicating your marital status. Being on the job, with some relationships, or in Learn New Skills divorced is just a part of one’s multi- your hobbies. Your talents and abilities Learning new skills, mate- faceted being. There are ways to boost may have brought accolades, such as 2 rial, and strategies is the one’s confi dence, which leads to a more winning local tournaments for a sport. way to fix the areas that fulfi lling life. A person may have a magnificent voice are weak and lacking
28 | Divorce Guide Following dreams and passions gets you excited and engaged. This enthusiasm is attractive to people and draws them to you.
leads to other conversations. The trick your perceived inadequacies. Making is to get help for what is draining one’s the world a better place takes one out- confidence. side of themselves, and they can be more relaxed in life. Reward Yourself Lack of confidence can be tied to 3 Rewards do work. I had how we think others are judging us. a phobia about pub- Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You wouldn’t lic speaking, and as an worry so much about what others think author, I knew interviews of you if you realized how seldom they and doing workshops were inevitable. I do.” If there is a CD in your brain spew- joined Toastmasters International to help ing negative comments about you, then get over this fear and increase my confi- replace it. Mistakes are a way to learn dence. However, I paired Toastmasters how to do something better, as Henry meetings with getting together after- Ford and Thomas Edison have stated. In wards at a coffee shop with friends. hypnotherapy class, we were instructed Eventually, my brain linked going to to come up with a 30- to 45-second Toastmasters with treats. I no longer feel self-promotion monologue. This serves the need for lattes afterwards and found several purposes: what to say when you I really enjoy speaking in front of oth- meet someone and to reinforce to your- ers and doing radio interviews. Pick a self what sterling qualities you possess. treat to motivate you to go to a class or Think about what you would say on do something out of your comfort zone. yours. If you still feel your confidence requires a boost, then consider seeing a Follow Dreams life coach. They can give a reality check Following dreams and and help you form strategies to improve 4 passions gets you excited your well-being. and engaged. This enthu- siasm is attractive to peo- Wendi Schuller is an ple and draws them to you. Divorced author, nurse, and hyp- people have gained confidence doing notherapist who is certi- mountain climbing, running marathons, fied in Neuro-Linguistic or doing treks. I went to a travel talk Programing (NLP). Her given by a woman who went to Africa most recent book is The and joined a group to cycle along stun- Global Guide to Divorce ning scenery. These folks conquered (Austin Macauley Publishers, 2015), fears and dramatically increased and she is a featured author on www. ini confidence.confiddencee. BBuildinguilding coconfidencenfidence iiss confidence. DivorcedMoms.com and a regular likelikke buildingbuiildiingupamus up a muscleclle whenwhhen liftingliftiing blogger for www.DivorceMag.com. weights – it benefits the whole person, Share Your www.globalguidetodivorce.com not just one part. Take a computer class Expertise with if feeling wobbly about IT on the job. 5 Others Some scientific guys have confided they Share your expertise by Related Article feel awkward trying to make small talk. tutoring, coaching, or Small talk is a way to connect with oth- volunteering. People who mentored 3 Helpful Strategies to Cope with ers and is important socially as well as kids that were failing in school or had Divorce at work. Joining groups with a purpose families in turmoil said watching them While it is devastating to see the – such as hiking, photography, chess, blossom into young adults positively end of a relationship and the life you books, and so forth – makes discuss- affected how they felt about themselves. built with someone else, there are ing the subject at hand easy, which then Volunteering takes the focus off you and ways to bounce back from it.
Divorce Guide | 29 healthandwell-being
When life hands you lemons, you can complain about how awful they are – or you can sprinkle sugar on them, add water, and enjoy a sweet lemonade. The choice is yours.
sTo Fight Way and pression De er Divorce ve Aft T7hri
By Lizzy Smith, Divorce Survivor and Blogger
few months ago, my daughters and I went on vacation to Some five years ago, Kay’s leg was amputated due to Orlando. Our best friends, Julie and Shane, and Julie’s a severe blood clot. Two years later, her husband passed mom, Kay, joined us for five days. I’ve known Julie and away. She now lives alone in her home, wheelchair bound. AShane since college, and they are family to me; Kay is like my It would be very easy for Kay to remain holed-up at home, second mom, and my daughters call her Grandma Kay. She is an crying about how the kids never visit enough and watching amazing woman and truly an inspiration: Kay has taken all of life’s life pass her by while watching TV. She has chosen another lemons and made a very sweet lemonade. path: Kay travels and enjoys life like no one I know.
30 | Divorce Guide When I asked about her mindset on much sleep, however. Each of us is of the house (shower first!) and go life, she replied: “I want to live! When different, but about eight hours (give do something fun. Get a pedi, hike Jim passed away, I decided that I wanted or take) is good. If you’re consis- a trail, adopt a homeless pet... If you to spend whatever time I had left in this tently getting a lot more sleep than don’t feel like it, do it anyway. world doing things I love. I may be in a that, force yourself to get out of bed. 5. Exercise wheelchair, but so what?” Likewise, if you are consistently Go for a walk. Take up yoga. Garden. sleep-deprived, it is nearly impos- Do something (anything!) that gets sible to function properly. Get fresh your heart rate up. Adopt a dog and Sprinkling Sugar on Life’s linens in your room, diffuse a relax- walk together. If the weather allows, Lemons ing scent, and consider taking a hot try and get outdoors and take in nat- Yes, so what? So life hands us lemons. bath before getting in bed. It will ural vitamin D and fresh air. It is a What do we do about it? Suck them dry, relax and calm you. huge emotional boost. lamenting at how awful they are – or we 3. Make a Bucket List and Get to 6. Help Someone Else sprinkle sugar on them, add water, and Work! Spend your time doing something kind enjoy a sweet lemonade! Make a list of things you’ve never for someone else. Make a meal for a I can’t tell you how many cancer done but sound like fun. Now start homebound senior, play cards with survivors I talk with who are in the working on crossing things off your seniors at a residential community, throes of depression. Hey, it’s common. list. One day when I was sitting in volunteer at your child’s school, or Hearing you have a life-threatening ill- infusion getting chemo, I made my knit caps for cancer survivors. Serving ness is a real game-changer. It is terri- bucket list. Just writing things out others helps us realize that we aren’t fying, actually. When I was told I had gave me a huge emotional boost. alone and that there is always some- cancer and then left my abusive husband While I might have been very sick, one else who has it worse. Plus, you just days later, I could easily have sat in there was going to come a day when might make some new friends. an infusion room, cried my eyes out, and I would feel better and I could start 7. Try New Foods then gone home to... what? having fun again. My list included One of my favorite activities is try- I have talked to countless divorce places I wanted to visit, trails I ing new foods. Look up an inter- survivors who also suffer from depres- wanted to hike, and skills I wanted esting recipe, try cooking with an sion and PTSD. What to do about it? to learn. Here I am, four years later, ingredient you’ve never heard of, Let divorce beat you down, or live with and I’m steadily working on that list or hit up an ethnic restaurant. Take purpose? – and adding more items to it. a friend or your children with you Let me tell you, thriving is far bet- 4. Force Yourself to Get Out of the and enjoy a hearty conversation over ter than drowning in pain and sorrow. In House your meal. fact, overcoming life’s challenges rocks! I once met a cancer survivor, who Although it may sound counter- It’s not always easy, but it is possible. is in remission and doing very well, intuitive, during and after divorce is (Note: if you’re struggling with clinical who spent crazy amounts of time a great time to challenge your current depression, please see a therapist.) lamenting that she was too sad to routine and take you outside your com- leave home. All she did was cry all fort zone. Sometimes, finding joy and day. I wanted to scream. She was in happiness takes work and commitment. 7 Strategies for Thriving After remission! Something not all can- Even if you don’t feel like it, do it any- Divorce cer survivors ever achieve. What the way. Your mind and spirit will thank 1. Eat Well hell was she doing crying all day? you for it. Your brain needs good nutrition. Now I met another cancer survivor who is the time to cut out processed foods was extremely upset over 4th of July and sugar and give your body the weekend because no one invited her When Lizzy Smith was nutrients it needs to thrive. Add to their home and she was alone. I diagnosed with multiple foods high in Omega 3 fatty acids asked her why she didn’t host her myeloma in 2012, she (like salmon), loads of fresh fruits own party or hit up the local fire- made the difficult deci- and veggies, beans, and nuts. Drink works by herself and meet new sion to leave her alco- lots of water. Add lemons to give people? Neither cancer survivor had holic husband and move it flavor. I am also a huge fan of good answers. Sometimes, there is a to another state with her unsweetened ice tea, especially in “joy” in being a victim. We expect two young daughters to seek treatment. heat. It’s a far better alternative than others to “just know” that they need Lizzy is the proud survivor of a conten- sodas and energy drinks. to help us and, when that doesn’t tious divorce as well as cancer – and 2. Get Proper Sleep happen, we love to wallow in self- she is living proof that post-divorce life You must give your body time for pity. This is a terrible mindset and can be beautiful. www.DivorcedMoms. proper rest. It is possible to get too solves absolutely nothing. Get out com/blogs/lizzy-smilez
Divorce Guide | 31