NEWSHOOT  KANGAROOS FINALLY GRANT- ED PARDON BY ROLF HARRIS AFTER 40 YEARS OF ROPE

ISSUE 3 JUNE 2 0 12 SWEET FA Chunt

BASED RESTRICTION. “I‟VE DECIDE D TO GIVE THE CUTE LITTLE FELLAS A BREAK AS IT WAS FRIGHTENING THE LIFE OUT ME MOTHER,” HE PANTED.

 BARBIES TO BECOME 20% MORE BONZA: “IF IT MEANS ME SNAGS‟LL COOK QUICKER, THEN SCRE W THE OZONE

LAYER,” SAYS CULTURAL

COMMENTATOR AND FAT

BASTARD. edition Aussie

 ULURU IN MOCK COCK ROCK The FROCK S HOCK: COLDPLAY, KEANE AND TRAVIS TO PLAY TRANSVESTITE FESTIVAL AT HARD PLACE. CLUMSILY APPLYING STEREOTYPES SINCE JUNE 2012 QUEEN TO WALK ACROSS Bid to remind former colony SYDNEY of “appointed by God” status. HARBOUR EXCLUSIVE

DISGRUNTLED British monarch, “It‟s something One‟s husband and I walk back to The Queen, is to walk on water to have been doing for years. When Brighton when regain devotion in her former colony. he‟s hilariously racially abusing she‟s finished ruin- Britain‟s first ever female head of brown people, he‟s actually just cop- ing my burgeoning state with all her own teeth aims to ying the words fed into an earpiece acting career.” A couple of floaters: how a badly photo-shopped kick start the redeification of people by Kevin “Bloody” Wilson,” said the “Do they still Queen and bitch may look on the day. born into plum jobs who get pulled taciturn ruler and former army me- make White Light- round in gold carts. chanic. ning?” she added. to drown all of her children including Her Royal Britannic Majesty, The Australian Prime Minister, The training schedule for the the fat one that might float. Queen Elizabeth II (of England) and Marion Cotillard, was unimpressed “Jubilee Miracle” is a harsh one, “I‟m 10 million metric tons of I (of the UK) is in covert negotia- at the Queen‟s cunning stunt as it with Mrs. Windsor and her favourite open water. I‟ll sink her sons and tions with top conjuror and quiff detracted from her new movie premi- corgi, Drone-493, downing 6 pints of sink her daughter. She can duck. She wrangler David Copperfield. The ere at the Darwin Film and Tractor raw egg yolk before 2 hours‟ shadow can dive. But at the end, I‟ll be still how-the-hell-did-he-get-Claudia- Festival next month. At some speech boxing and swan baiting at Sandring- be alive,” quipped the piss tainted Schiffer levitation guru is coaching thing she did the other day, she said: ham Working Monarch‟s Club. inlet. the plucky sovereign on how to look “I may have the body of a weak At a nose-to-nose press confer- Sydney Harbour Bridge was una- as though she is doing something and feeble lager tippler but I have the ence, Sydney “The Demon Barber” vailable for comment at the time of amazing while making very little heart and stomach of a White Light- Harbour said the Queen was “a going to press. actual effort. ning drinker. Well she can bloody flamin‟ liability” before threatening

Oz “not as crap as we thought,” claim British tourists

A NEW study has found Australia ing and borderline skin cancer. chest. All I found was decent wine, ther dispelled when they found the “not as bad as all that,” according to Gin tippler and mother of 3, San- polite service and a wonderful varie- drunk tank jail cells relatively clean British holidaymakers. dra Carpetburns said: ty of outdoor activities. However, the and free of any antipodean residents. An assortment of drunken tattooed “According to them Fosters ad- guys weren‟t that good looking.” However, 95% of those polled still hooligans, scrunchied strumpets and verts, I thought Oz would be full of Tourists‟ prejudices, reinforced by thought that all Asians knew kung- the Welsh were asked to take part in fat bearded men in board shorts and the failure of successive British fu, Swedish women were sexy and the survey as they left Sydney airport thongs screaming into beer cans Prime Ministers to holiday there Africans were amazing bongo play- after 3 weeks of wall-to-wall vomit- while eating snags off a sheila‟s since the 2nd World War, were fur- ers. New South Wales in X name change bid A crossed out Welsh dragon (above) and putative literate NSW protester (below) “We don’t want any association with the Welsh,” screams NSW State Parliament No to Stupid THE SUN-SMEARED state of New Bottleshop, was insistent that a name that looks like the one in that dunny- South Wales took its first steps of change should take place immediate- hole in the north of England. We Wales...EVER secession from it‟s namesake today. ly: should call ourselves Bonzaroo, Residents of the Bi-Lo style para- “Our glorious part of the world can- Lizwindsoria or New South Ramsey dise have been lobbying to dissoci- not be sullied any longer by associ- Street. That would put the pride ate themselves from their forefathers ated with a drizzle-ridden country back in the Barbie and beer hard- since they saw how god-awful which still practices druidism and ened arteries of every citizen of Wales was when television first idolizes root vegetables. My mother- whatever we‟re gonna call our- arrived in their homes in 1976. in-law couldn‟t get on that boat selves,” he gabbed. NSW State MPs have been re- quick enough and she had arthritis,” The legislative process began ceiving badly written letters ever she trumpeted. yesterday as state premier, Farry since, the most legible of which Yabby farmer and billabong O‟Barrel fired a gun into the air, have eventually been read by politi- cleaner, Brett Wobbleboard, claimed shouted “Yeeha!” and went down cians after several years of adult that he would “chuck a mental” the TAB to put a bet on the 3.30 at literacy courses. unless “something” was “done”: Newcastle. NSW‟s cultural minister, Marnie “It‟s bad enough having a bridge Scented Sheila, 7-4 on. No tax.

ADVERTISEMENT “Buy ma book or ah’ll stick the heid on ye,” threatens uniquely literate Glaswegian

WILD-MANNERED writer and sell them to “Aussies, Yanks and was unavailable for comment as lothario, Ryan “Lion Zion” those in Scotland who can afford he was “stuck in the cludgie” writ- O‟Neill has released his latest such luxuries.” ing his next best-seller. work according to military The tome, already released in sources. Oz, has garnered some rave re- I have been asked to suggest that The exiled Scot, now on the run views from critics– even those not UK readers pre-order from Ama- in Australia, managed to scrape threatened with a “chib”, zon or else... together a collection of short sto- “Glasgow kiss” or a “tankin‟ up a ries (The Weight of A Human close”. Heart) and convince a publisher to O‟Neill, just the right side of 40,

Western World still moaning about f***ing broadband speeds FRUSTRATED internet users were get their priorities straight and get this still whinging yesterday as those more situation sorted as soon as possible. deserving needed some much overdue “You can‟t measure human lives in attention. kbps or Gb,” pronounced one smug As overfed, overpaid and over here magazine editor yesterday. office drones bitched about not being To donate to this wonderful charity, able to watch cat videos within a milli- take time out from facebook gawping second of clicking on the link, Indian and visit: slum kids charity SHRESTHA was struggling to feed and educate swell- www.shresthajaipur.org ing numbers of deserving children. With little or no help from anyone, or email: [email protected] SHRESTHA founder and all round good guy, Nitesh Paliwal, is hoping Western whingers take note: lives depend on you. that people who should know better Serious thanks in advance– Ed.

Readers’ DR PHIL’S Corner CARTOON Is Britain great or do aussies rule? CASEBOOK You decide with your Dundee spirit and can-don’t attitude Write on... As if it matters... OF COURSE Britain is the best THE LANGUAGE barrier alone country in the world. I have never Gabber of can never reconcile the differences lived anywhere else and don‟t know the month between us and our Pommie forefa- much about them foreign places but thers. As I went walkabout down to MY MOTHER and I moved to I know what I know and I know the op shop while slugging on me Oz in the 1960s as part of the what I like. And I like my own kind grog that I got from the bottlo and “£10 Poms” programme. It was thank you very much. Saying that I sporting me bonza thongs that I got an awful experience. We were do get hot flushes when I see that from me sheila, I contemplated the forced to leave our grime Russell Crows in that documentary utter futility of my life as a impov- Dear Phil, strewn slums in Manchester about them wrestlers in leather erished, badly dressed borderline and sailed 2nd class to the Gold skirts and he‟s from that place alcoholic. I‟m a water dwelling marsupial Coast. We were then coerced where all them criminals live. from the south side of Sydney and into eating fruit and veg, fresh Benjamin Fuller, Cunnamulla, I have recently got involved with Carmen Ardilles, Ashby-de-la- fish and looking at the sun for NT WELL, I‟m from New Zealand and the mammal of my dreams. Zouche, Leics. more than 2 hours a day. I MUST say I am utterly flabber- I think the Poms and Aussies are He‟s a cracking muscly „roo There‟s not a moment goes by gasted by the hateful, ill-informed both as bad as each other. If I could from the west side of Warratah when I hanker after those Great and xenophobic remarks from some sell or shear enough sheep to afford and we‟re at the stage where we British institutions like scurvy, of your unkempt correspondents. I the air fare, I would come over and want to take our relationship fur- rickets and horrific chest infec- find it absolutely reprehensible that sort both of them out. Which I ther- by having rampant rumpy- tions brought on by unscrupu- us antipodeans are perceived as a won‟t because I love living here. pumpy. lous landlords and lack of cen- nation of ale guzzlers and incestu- And I love my sheep. Every single The problem is that he doesn‟t tral heating. The only reason I ous sexist ignorami. I, myself am one of them. And if that‟s against know that I am an egg bearing stay in this sun drenched hell is Australian born and bred coming the law, then I‟ll bloody well stay creature. He loves my 36DD I‟m still wanted for doing over from a long line in bush pig farmers on the run from the relevant author- teats and they‟re great for rearing a string of Salford bookies and and septic tank cleaners. And if the ities. but I‟m worried that producing an face a 20 year stretch if I get whinging f***ing Poms don‟t like egg from my rear end may put within sniffing distance of the Jabo McSwaggart, last seen in it, they can shove it up their tea him off. White Cliffs Whakatane, N. Island drinking, sheep shagging, cucumber I really like this cute macropod Garry Bibb, Yeppoon, sandwich eating arses. I think that’s settled it. I even though he often bounds off Queensland Chester Wallabagah, Mungo don’t think GB/Oz will ever at a moment‟s notice and is quite Brush, NSW get on. They may as well handy with his forelimbs. “RESPECT your elders.” That‟s it‟s told and stop pretending it‟s the save the £800/$1200 plane Please help. what my dear old Great Aunt best at everything, keep listening to ticket and build a bigger Edna Monotreme Munty used to tell me while doling their Head of State (our Heavenly fence to keep the foreign Copeland, NSW out my weekly birching. Well, the Majesty) and close its mouth when types at bay. And sharks. youthful nation of Australia should eating at one of their barbies or Dear Edna, bow to the sceptered wisdom of the whatever. Usual guff to: Count yourself lucky that you British Isles, being at least 1200 Maureen Sickenham, Twicken- [email protected] have a guy that fancies you in the years its junior. It should do what ham, Surrey first place. From your enclosed photo you look like a hairy Daffy Duck that‟s been flung into a wall

at high speed by Marvin the Mar- Aussie Rules AFL Latest: tian. The Sydney Swans sucker punched the Gold Coast Suns in the fi- Looking as if you were made on nal Quarter of the Gabblethwaite Tricolour Cooper‟s Gold Memori- a table by a mad Austrian scientist, Chunt al Cup playoff with 30 disposals and 9 clearances before breaking I would just let him use you willy- up some spot fires with over 16 inside-50s. nilly and run off as any person with Suns‟ power pair, Hamish “Custard” Hartlett and Danny “Ears” a developed forebrain can predict. ? Pearce both said in unison: Then you can have the egg on your “We should have been clean with the ball hand and foot and we own, claim state compo and live an were taught a long and hard lesson by a classier outfit. And what even more miserable existence that

stunning outfits they wore!” you already do. Swans‟ coach, Archie Carnival, was unavailable for comment as Hope this helps. he was chin deep in beer, spicy nuts and hastily sprayed cheap fiz- zy wine. Dr Phil “Jeez, mate. It’s only a flamin’

Australo-English glossary”

HAVE YOU ever wanted to know what your Antipodean cousins are saying? Did you learn nothing from watching countless episodes of Neighbours, starring pint-sized sex receptacle Kylie Minogue and Hollywood heart moistener...er..Mike from Neighbours? Well, here‟s your chance to get one up on them lot and learn the dingo lingo developed 200 years ago while passing round a hacksaw to cut off the manacles expertly welded on at Portsmouth harbour. For our Aussie readership: look at the pretty pictures and nod along… Guy Pearce. That‟s his name... bonza (adj.) drongo (n.) drop goal at Aussie rules footy let radiation in the bush. This Pretty damn good. As in “This Different variety of a hoon, in- or the end of a wedding when has evolved through years of can of piss-weak lager is bonza, variably of the shick as pig thit your daughter gets married to a necking amber nectar and bar- your Majesty.” From the acro- calibre. Often used as invective decent bloke with all his own bie binges. nym of the British Onanists of to make oneself feel superior to teeth and eyes. Taken from the New Zealand and Australia others. For example: delight at the mango slicing barbie (n.) (sent to appease the revolution- “Jeez, those Mexicans/Scots/ abilities of the son of Jack D. A culinary feast of chargrilled/ ary convicts by the provision of Gypsies/French/strike protesters Ripper, scourge of Whitechapel, burnt animal flesh coated in newly printed, and hence stain- and their families are flamin‟ when on holiday in with some of the finest ingredients free, copies of Razzle and Big drongos”. From the Top Gear his mates from the Royal Socie- found at the back of the cup- Jugs). “Let’s Piss All Over Australia” ty of Serial Killers. board. Smugly held at the beach Special, 2011. on Xmas Day. Similar to the coldie (n.) bush, the (n.) British tradition of males poi- A tin containing an aliquot of ute (n.) A magical land where no moral soning the majority of their amber nectar cooled to near A pick-up truck that would, and or statutory laws apply and men neighbours while wearing an absolute zero by based does, look ridiculous driving are free to walkabout in the allegedly humorous pinny. Also lager scientists in order to con- round rural Hertfordshire but nuddie with no pointing and the thing what Americans think trol the inflamed tempers of not in hot Oz. With room in the laughing sheilas. Other wildlife Aussies throw another shrimp hoons, drongos and their Prime back for a gaggle of kids, three include coked-up jumping mar- on. Minister, Julia Gillard. sheep and a bludgeoned and supials, big f**k-off spiders and gagged boundary official, the roadkill. Named after the dunny (n.) amber nectar (n.) ute is well suited for life in the Georges Bush (W. and Sr.), Normally the smallest room in Ironically named beverage bush. Abbreviated from “You who also were scary, contained any Aussie house (if not out- made from rotted crushed hops, tanked-up bastard!” (advertising huge expanses of nothingness doors) where bodily ablutions, barley, potassium citrate, bos- slogan for the Australian launch and had the power of life and excretions and desecrations wellox and ceramide-A. Be- of the Toyota Hilux, 1973). death over us mere mortals. occur. Popular subject matter cause you‟re worth it. for comedian Kevin „Ironically combie (n.) sheila (n.) Mild Swearword‟ Wilson as hoon (n.) A surfer‟s motorhome. Com- A classification of the difficult well as celibacy-bound religious Derogatory term for a ne‟er- plete with mattress, hot and cold to spot antipodean genders. leaders. Derived from the first dowell or miscreant, especially running heat and cold, sex wax Mainly assigned to anyone with ever toilet stop on the road from when driving a ute, combie or dispenser and tosser insurance. a lower motor insurance premi- Aberdeen to Edinburgh, Dun- pimped up motor vehicle in a Also driven by bazooka wield- um or a slightly less protruding dee. rather scurrilous manner. Epon- ing Libyan terrorists seeking veranda over the toyshop. ymously derived from former stolen plutonium from a time- Pom (n. prop.) British Defence Secretary, travelling scientist. Originally a toyshop, veranda over the The offspring of those who Geoff Hoon, who annoyed the scaled down version of the rural (euph.) were innocent or didn‟t get entire world by erratically send- combine harvester. Hence the Excess adipose tissue to be caught and stuck on sweaty ing thousands of troops into Iraq name. found bulbating from the lower ships bound for the Southern and Afghanistan without check- thoracic region to the lateral Hemisphere. From the French ing if he was allowed to first. point of the abdomen, forming phrase, pomme de connard de ripper, you little (exclam.) shaded protection of the genita- bel merde (crap happy apple A cry usually sounded after a lia from the abundant ultravio- twat).

A DaffyD Production. Edited by D. Phillips. Great thankage to Royal photographer, Gary Stewart. Printed Downunder inside a kangaroo’s pouch that somehow survived a 90 kg man with his laptop sitting in it . For subscriptions, go to http://insiderphil.wordpress.com and click on the, yes you guessed it, “subscribe” button. The The next subscriber receives a free The Chunt mug and pen along with my undying disdain and scorn. Send any contributions, ideas, advice and rantage to [email protected] All contributions will be paid for.* Chunt All rights and parking spaces reserved. No part of this publication may be duplicated, syndicated or reproduced without prior permission of the owner or a quick tug behind the Wetherspoons pub at half-past midnight. Special thanks to Ryan O’Neill and SHRESTHA for their inspiration and column inches. *In June 2354