The Chunt-Issue 03- June 2012 (Aussie Edition)
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NEWSHOOT KANGAROOS FINALLY GRANT- ED PARDON BY ROLF HARRIS AFTER YEARS OF ROPE 40 ISS UE 3 JUNE 2 0 12 SWEET FA Chunt BASED RESTRICTION. “I‟VE DECIDE D TO GIVE THE CUTE LITTLE FELLAS A BREAK AS IT WAS FRIGHTENING THE LIFE OUT ME MOTHER,” HE PANTED. BARBIES TO BECOME 20% MORE BONZA: “IF IT MEANS ME SNAGS LL COOK QUICKER ‟ , THEN SCRE W THE OZONE LAYER,” SAYS CULTURAL COMMENTATOR AND FAT BASTARD. edition Aussie ULURU IN MOCK COCK ROCK The FROCK S HOCK : COLDPLAY, KEANE AND TRAVIS TO PLAY TRANSVESTITE FESTIVAL AT HARD PLACE. CLUMSILY APPLYING STEREOTYPES SINCE JUNE 2012 QUEEN TO WALK ACROSS Bid to remind former colony SYDNEY of “appointed by God” status. HARBOUR EXCLUSIVE DISGRUNTLED British monarch, “It‟s something One‟s husband and I walk back to The Queen, is to walk on water to have been doing for years. When Brighton when regain devotion in her former colony. he‟s hilariously racially abusing she‟s finished ruin- Britain‟s first ever female head of brown people, he‟s actually just cop- ing my burgeoning state with all her own teeth aims to ying the words fed into an earpiece acting career.” A couple of floaters: how a badly photo-shopped kick start the redeification of people by Kevin “Bloody” Wilson,” said the “Do they still Queen and bitch may look on the day. born into plum jobs who get pulled taciturn ruler and former army me- make White Light- round in gold carts. chanic. ning?” she added. to drown all of her children including Her Royal Britannic Majesty, The Australian Prime Minister, The training schedule for the the fat one that might float. Queen Elizabeth II (of England) and Marion Cotillard, was unimpressed “Jubilee Miracle” is a harsh one, “I‟m 10 million metric tons of I (of the UK) is in covert negotia- at the Queen‟s cunning stunt as it with Mrs. Windsor and her favourite open water. I‟ll sink her sons and tions with top conjuror and quiff detracted from her new movie premi- corgi, Drone-493, downing 6 pints of sink her daughter. She can duck. She wrangler David Copperfield. The ere at the Darwin Film and Tractor raw egg yolk before 2 hours‟ shadow can dive. But at the end, I‟ll be still how-the-hell-did-he-get-Claudia- Festival next month. At some speech boxing and swan baiting at Sandring- be alive,” quipped the piss tainted Schiffer levitation guru is coaching thing she did the other day, she said: ham Working Monarch‟s Club. inlet. the plucky sovereign on how to look “I may have the body of a weak At a nose-to-nose press confer- Sydney Harbour Bridge was una- as though she is doing something and feeble lager tippler but I have the ence, Sydney “The Demon Barber” vailable for comment at the time of amazing while making very little heart and stomach of a White Light- Harbour said the Queen was “a going to press. actual effort. ning drinker. Well she can bloody flamin‟ liability” before threatening Oz “not as crap as we thought,” claim British tourists A NEW study has found Australia ing and borderline skin cancer. chest. All I found was decent wine, ther dispelled when they found the “not as bad as all that,” according to Gin tippler and mother of 3, San- polite service and a wonderful varie- drunk tank jail cells relatively clean British holidaymakers. dra Carpetburns said: ty of outdoor activities. However, the and free of any antipodean residents. An assortment of drunken tattooed “According to them Fosters ad- guys weren‟t that good looking.” However, 95% of those polled still hooligans, scrunchied strumpets and verts, I thought Oz would be full of Tourists‟ prejudices, reinforced by thought that all Asians knew kung- the Welsh were asked to take part in fat bearded men in board shorts and the failure of successive British fu, Swedish women were sexy and the survey as they left Sydney airport thongs screaming into beer cans Prime Ministers to holiday there Africans were amazing bongo play- after 3 weeks of wall-to-wall vomit- while eating snags off a sheila‟s since the 2nd World War, were fur- ers. New South Wales in X name change bid A crossed out Welsh dragon (above) and putative literate NSW protester (below) “We don’t want any association with the Welsh,” screams NSW State Parliament No to Stupid THE SUN-SMEARED state of New Bottleshop, was insistent that a name that looks like the one in that dunny- South Wales took its first steps of change should take place immediate- hole in the north of England. We Wales...EVER secession from it‟s namesake today. ly: should call ourselves Bonzaroo, Residents of the Bi-Lo style para- “Our glorious part of the world can- Lizwindsoria or New South Ramsey dise have been lobbying to dissoci- not be sullied any longer by associ- Street. That would put the pride ate themselves from their forefathers ated with a drizzle-ridden country back in the Barbie and beer hard- since they saw how god-awful which still practices druidism and ened arteries of every citizen of Wales was when television first idolizes root vegetables. My mother- whatever we‟re gonna call our- arrived in their homes in 1976. in-law couldn‟t get on that boat selves,” he gabbed. NSW State MPs have been re- quick enough and she had arthritis,” The legislative process began ceiving badly written letters ever she trumpeted. yesterday as state premier, Farry since, the most legible of which Yabby farmer and billabong O‟Barrel fired a gun into the air, have eventually been read by politi- cleaner, Brett Wobbleboard, claimed shouted “Yeeha!” and went down cians after several years of adult that he would “chuck a mental” the TAB to put a bet on the 3.30 at literacy courses. unless “something” was “done”: Newcastle. NSW‟s cultural minister, Marnie “It‟s bad enough having a bridge Scented Sheila, 7-4 on. No tax. ADVERTISEMENT “Buy ma book or ah’ll stick the heid on ye,” threatens uniquely literate Glaswegian WILD-MANNERED writer and sell them to “Aussies, Yanks and was unavailable for comment as lothario, Ryan “Lion Zion” those in Scotland who can afford he was “stuck in the cludgie” writ- O‟Neill has released his latest such luxuries.” ing his next best-seller. work according to military The tome, already released in sources. Oz, has garnered some rave re- I have been asked to suggest that The exiled Scot, now on the run views from critics– even those not UK readers pre-order from Ama- in Australia, managed to scrape threatened with a “chib”, zon or else... together a collection of short sto- “Glasgow kiss” or a “tankin‟ up a ries (The Weight of A Human close”. Heart) and convince a publisher to O‟Neill, just the right side of 40, Western World still moaning about f***ing broadband speeds FRUSTRATED internet users were get their priorities straight and get this still whinging yesterday as those more situation sorted as soon as possible. deserving needed some much overdue “You can‟t measure human lives in attention. kbps or Gb,” pronounced one smug As overfed, overpaid and over here magazine editor yesterday. office drones bitched about not being To donate to this wonderful charity, able to watch cat videos within a milli- take time out from facebook gawping second of clicking on the link, Indian and visit: slum kids charity SHRESTHA was struggling to feed and educate swell- www.shresthajaipur.org ing numbers of deserving children. With little or no help from anyone, or email: [email protected] SHRESTHA founder and all round good guy, Nitesh Paliwal, is hoping Western whingers take note: lives depend on you. that people who should know better Serious thanks in advance– Ed. Readers’ DR PHIL’S Corner CARTOON Is Britain great or do aussies rule? CASEBOOK You decide with your Dundee spirit and can-don’t attitude Write on... As if it matters... OF COURSE Britain is the best THE LANGUAGE barrier alone country in the world. I have never Gabber of can never reconcile the differences lived anywhere else and don‟t know the month between us and our Pommie forefa- much about them foreign places but thers. As I went walkabout down to MY MOTHER and I moved to I know what I know and I know the op shop while slugging on me Oz in the 1960s as part of the what I like. And I like my own kind grog that I got from the bottlo and “£10 Poms” programme. It was thank you very much. Saying that I sporting me bonza thongs that I got an awful experience. We were do get hot flushes when I see that from me sheila, I contemplated the forced to leave our grime Russell Crows in that documentary utter futility of my life as a impov- Dear Phil, strewn slums in Manchester about them wrestlers in leather erished, badly dressed borderline and sailed 2nd class to the Gold skirts and he‟s from that place alcoholic. I‟m a water dwelling marsupial Coast. We were then coerced where all them criminals live. from the south side of Sydney and into eating fruit and veg, fresh Benjamin Fuller, Cunnamulla, I have recently got involved with Carmen Ardilles, Ashby-de-la- fish and looking at the sun for NT WELL, I‟m from New Zealand and the mammal of my dreams. Zouche, Leics.