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The Goon Show: the Sahara Desert Statue

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The Goon Show: the Sahara Desert Statue THE GOON SHOW: THE SAHARA DESERT STATUE First broadcast on November 3, 1958. Script by Spike Milligan. Produced by John Browell. Announced by Wallace Greenslade. Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Transcribed by Debby Stark, corrections by Peter Olausson. Greenslade: This is the BBC Secombe: Stop! Spriggs: Ohm, I will stop. Secombe: What's this approaching? It's a lorry driven by a Rolls Royce, isn't it? Yes, it is! It's that great thespian star of brouhaha-ha-ha, Berebohm Sellers! FX: [Considerable cheers] Spriggs: Oh, he's not as popular as he used to be! I'll sing that bit, folks. [Sings] He's not as popular as he used to beeee! Sellers [Heavy actor accent]: Aye [inaudible] pruns. Noxt week I shall be appearing in "The Impotence of Being Ernest," by Oscar Wilde, the blaggard of Redding Jail. Yours, Neddy. Secombe: Ta. Omnes: [Several, each in turn saying Ta, Tee, Ti, Toe, Tuu!] Sellers: All together! Omnes: Tooooo! Sellers: Oh, what it is to have friends! Spriggs: I know, I once... I express sympathy. Secombe: "Dear sir: My wife has just made a pancake thirty foot round. Is this a record?" Voice: I don't know, try playing it on the gramaphone. Sellers: Together, the band. Orchestra: [Shout] Ta-da 1 Sellers: Ah! Caught with their instruments down! Secombe: And now folks! Take us off slack while we unwrap this brown paper parcel. Look! Ah, look! Voice: What a [inaudible] Secombe: It's a life-sized Goon Show in imitation plastic! Spriggs: Oh! And what are these little round things? Secombe: Gad, it's a set of spare glass jokes! Sellers: Let us hear one, Tom. FX: [Glass breaks] Milligan: Ha-ho, that's an old one, Jim! Greenslade: Gentlemen – Milligan: "Gentlemen"? What's up with you? Greenslade: This, ah, registered brassiere here has just arrived by female – Milligan: From a bosom friend! I got it in quick there. Thank you, thank you, it won't last long, folks. And here now, here's an impression of Tom Sellers reading it. Sellers: Ta, te, to, ta, too! This message shows this week's story of the French wine yards entitled "I Like Claret and [sings] to Hell With Burgundy!" Milligan: Oh, and now, here wearing a three knot river is page one. Voice: Right! Milligan: We all saw it coming, didn't we? Now then, a word from... Peter Sellers! Sellers: Drawers! Milligan: Next week, another word! Sellers: And now, for no reason at all: Where did you get the money to escape from Australia? 2 Spriggs: Fooor no reason at all – my stand-in will answer that. Forward standee. Secombe: My name is Spike "Stand-In" Milligan, but the knees are silent as in trowsers. Sellers: Not... Not trembler? Secombe: Touche. Sellers: Mr. Greenslade, answer that for me as me! Greenslade: My name is Peter Sellers. Secombe: And who's playing you? Sellers: Me! Secombe: Then who's Peter Sellers? Spriggs: I am! But the "I" is silent as in looking. Secombe: Will you care to elaborate? Spriggs: Yes. Secombe: Well you'll have to wait [laughs] Milligan: He gets them in somehow. It's a joke, folks, oh-ha, ha, ha-ha-ha! Secombe: And ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! is the right answer! So say "Ah!" Milligan: Ah! FX: [Gunshot, then tasting] Milligan: .303, my favorite bullet. Secombe: Do you like it? I fired it myself. Sellers: Too much salt for me. 3 Secombe: Who heard of too much salt in Sellers? Sellers: I am not salt sellers, my name is Peter. Milligan: Salt peter! Secombe: That's an explosive! FX: [Explosion] Sellers: Oh, there I go! Milligan: Thank you. Triumph of matter over mind. Hern (Secombe): And now from Peterborough, 17-year-old Max Geldray, and here he is, 17-year-old Max Geldray, from Peterborough! Geldray: Oh, boy, at last the breaks! Max Geldray and Orchestra: [Musical interlude] Greenslade: Now, the Goon Show proper. I have in my left ventricle a copy of the edict of Nantes holding an elephant cardigan. Through the hole drilled up the bottom, I can see the House of Commons. In the Strangers Gallery, disguised as strangers, are two sinister figures rampant on a cloth of filetted spon. [sings] Spo-o-o-on! FX: [Scratching] Moriarty: Ah, oh, ah, ah, ha, the flin, the flin! Ah! Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty, will you stop the revolting buttock-scratching in the Strangers Gallery? Moriarty: But I've got strangers in my gallery! Grytpype-Thynne: Stop this noise in Parliament, you hear? Do you want to wake them up? Moriarty: But I ... FX: [Yawning, and water sounds] Grytpype-Thynne: You fool, you've woken up Lord Tavener! 4 Moriarty: He's getting out of the bath. Tavener: Now, now, members, mems and... As I was saying... Omnes: What? Hear, hear. Tavener: As I was saying... Omnes: What? Hear, hear. Tavener: As I, I was saying, do you realize that the Atomic Commission [fades] Omnes: [Clapping] Bravo, hear, hear it for the fellow, me lords. Tavener: You had better tell them, Lord Jewels... Voice [parliamentarian]: We at the Atomic commission have no idea what the effect of an atom bomb would be on a nude Welshman holding a rice pudding. Milligan: Do the, do the Russians have this information? Voice: No, [babbles] is that clear? [babbles] Sellers [Continental Indian]: Gentlemen, the government are willing to pay – thank you – are willing to pay 1,000 pounds in cloth for any Welshman who is willing to stand naked holding a rice pudding and hit by the powers of an atom bomb. Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty? Moriarty: What? Grytpype-Thynne: I know the very man. Come! Moriarty: Owww! FX: [Two whooshes] Greenslade: Sure enough, those whooshes were pointed at an early Anglo-Saxon leaping house in Picadilly. Within, two men are repairing the ravages of Roman occupation. FX: [Sawing sounds, thuds] 5 William: [Singing] I'm in love with you... Rose – Seagoon: William! What are you doing in there? William: Cutting me toenails, mate. When I gets in bed at night they tears the ceiling, mate. FX: [Knocking] Bloodnok: I say, you in there! Seagoon: Gad, it's Bloodnok, professional soldier and amateur landlord! Bloodnok: Have you got a woman in your room? Seagoon: I certainly have not! Bloodnok: Well, get out of here, will you? This is not that kind of a house, do you hear? Seagoon: Now he tells me, after all those nights of raffier and fretwork. Moriarty: Knock, knock, knocky, knock chum. Seagoon: Knock, knock, knocky, knock chum? Moriarty: Yes. Seagoon: That's the private number of the door knocker! Come in! FX: [Door opens, rush of feet] Moriarty: Hello, Neddy! Seagoon: I recognize those octagonal shins, of course! It's Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarty! Grytpype-Thynne: The steamed count... Moriarty: Psssssssh... Grytpype-Thynne: ...has been commissioned to do a statue of the Sahara Desert holding a rice pudding, and he wants you, Neddy, to pose for it. 6 Seagoon: Me? Pose as a desert? Moriarty: Yes, certane-ment. You're just the right size, and twice as barren. Seagoon: Do I... Do I have to pose... N-U-D-E? Grytpype-Thynne: Of course you do. The Sahara never wears clothes. Seagoon: Not even for supper? Grytpype-Thynne: Malicious rumors. Seagoon: But I can't sit down to dinner nude. Supposing there are ladies present? Ellington: Ohhhh! Seagoon: To continue: How long would I have to hold the pose for? Grytpype-Thynne: You don't have to hold any pose, Ned... You can move at will, just as long as you don't move. Now, for salary, you will be paid in the current Bank of England cigarette card series of famous criminal footballers. Seagoon: I accept! Grytpype-Thynne: Ta. Omnes: [Each in turn saying: Ta, tee, tey, to, tuu!] Grytpype-Thynne: All together Omnes: Toooo! Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, coming on very nicely, thank you. And now to contact the British Sahara Desert Atomic Center. But, first, Ray Ellington will... em... Sing through his mouth and other things. Ray Ellington Quartet: [Musical interlude: "When I grow too old to dream"] Greenslade: By placing a microphone near Grytpype-Thynne's trousers, we pick up the thread which shows Ned in the Sahara Desert. Grytpype-Thynne: Now then, Ned, off with your clothes, Neddy! 7 FX: [Cloth ripping] Seagoon: Whoop! There! How do I look? Moriarty: Ohh! Grytpype-Thynne: I suppose he makes somebody happy... Hold this rice pudding. Seagoon: [Giggles] Moriarty: [Whispers] Grytpype! Grytpype! Grytpype-Thynne: What? Moriarty: It's only three minutes til zero hour before they drop the bomb, hurry! [Sweetly, to Seagoon] Now, Neddy... Grytpype-Thynne: Yes. Moriarty: Here, stand on this bull's eye and don't move. FX: [Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty leave in two whooshes] Seagoon: [Alone] Don't, don't move, he said. Right. [hums] Gad, if only my mother could see me now! Posing for a statue of the Sahara, what a proud day for Wales! Not to mention sardines and kippers! [laughs, calms self consciously] It's a bit early in the show, really isn't it now. Greenslade: Ta. Ah, seeing that Mr. Seagoon is in a state of, ah, dishabille... Seagoon: Cheeky. Greenslade: ...It would be appreciated if old ladies with binoculars would all listen with your backs to the wireless or place a dark cloth over the speaker. Bannister & Other Old Ladies: [Muttering] Oh, dear, it's not fair, you know, not fair at all... Seagoon: Gad, this is living! Now, what was it that Moriarty said..? FX: [Whoosh] Moriarty: I said "Don't move!" 8 FX: [Whoosh ] Seagoon: Ah! Wait? What's this approaching across the desert? Eccles: [Singing to self, wordlessly, under...] Seagoon: The ragged soldier carrying cement sack, playing an imaginary piano! He must be one of ours.
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