page A5 OPINIONS March 4, 2005 MisadventuresMANITOU MESSENGER in journalism By Jonathan Graef To be fair, it's not that there have As I am a presumably graduating been any Bush administration policies senior, it is now time to find some sort that could be perceived as fail ... uh, of gainful employment that will ease actually, never mind on that one. The my transition from St. Olaf to the so- question, (a bit of a Softball,) that called real world. Considering that I Gannon/Guckert/Hasselhoff asked am one of the Opinions editors for the the White House spokesman was esteemed (don't act like we're not) more or less about how the president Manitou Messenger, my thoughts would work with his opponents on have recently turned to a career in the issue of Social Security. journalism. Nothing unusual about that, except Well, actually, I have this secret that Gannon referred to Bush's ideo­ ambition. It's a long shot, I know. You logical opponents as being "divorced would laugh at me if I told you. from reality." Oh, jeepers creepers, I'll tell you That question would prove to seal anyway. I want to be a White House Gannon's fate, as one cannot ask a press reporter. But not just any White question so blatantly partisan and not House press reporter - I want to be spark curiosity about the person like Jeff Gannon. doing the questioning. Ron Aphrodisiac Who is Jeff Gannon? Well, I think Gannon's question made bloggers Correspondant I'll tell you. Jeff Gannon, also known go "hmm." Further investigation by as James Guckert, is, or rather was, a said bloggers found the following: that Jeff Gannon was an assumed reporter (and by reporter I mean E. •• UE BRING YOU LIVE COVERAGE FR0H TEH WHITE HOUSE PRESS PLACE. "walking toaster," which is to say, he's name (information that would have no reporter at all) for a news organi­ been figured out had the White House GRAPHIC; TOM LUBANOVIC/MANITOU MESSENGER zation called Talon News. run a background check on Gannon, set out to Washington to become a being the age of terrorism and all, but Needless to say, my career was Talon News was a news organiza­ which they apparently did not); Talon reporter. I found people from alas, I have been proven wrong. over. tion which took White House press News was basically an arm of an GOPUSA and told them I wanted to I was then informed of the presi­ But, I learned a lot of things as I releases and basically rewrote them as organization called GOPUSA; and start a news organization run by peo­ dent's next news conference, and that returned from my satirical, "didn't- news stories. I know that Student lastly, that Talon News' staff consisted ple who had no idea how to write I would be in the front row! This is actually-happen" trip to Washington Government Association would love of Republican volunteers who had lit­ news. They actually gave me the go- amazing! I love journalism! I eagerly D.C. I learned that as long as you have it if the Mess did the same thing (oh tle, if any, journalistic experience. ahead. took my seat, and waited for the show the right connections, you don't need snap!). But alas, we cannot. With all of this information handy, I With my new organization, Shim- to begin. things such as "credentials" or "facts" More about this Gannon gentle­ got to thinking: I have little to no Sham News, just off the ground, I Then Scott McClellan, the White or "integrity" in order to be a journal­ man; At a press conference a few experience as a journalist. I am a cre­ decided my next course of action House spokesman came out, and the ist. weeks back, President Bush called on ative fellow, so coming up with a would be to obtain the daily White whole shebang started! 1 raised my Best of all, I learned that even if him, and he, like most press reporters pseudonym will be no problem at all. House press reporter pass which hand and said, "Call on me Scott, call things do go wrong, hardly anyone, these days, asked a question that sure­ I'm not the most right-wing of would allow me to enter press confer­ on me!" Lo and behold, he did. save for a few bloggers and print jour­ ly challenged the President's policy chaps, but people have made compro­ ences. "Hi, I'm Ron Aphrodisiac from Then, sadly, I blew it. I asked, "Hi, nalists, will write about it. Ah, to be a and held him accountable for any per­ mises in the name of their work Shim-Sham News," I muttered tenta­ Ron Aphrodisiac, Shim-Sham News. journalist in the days of Bush. Is there ceived policy errors in recent times. before. Considering I need money for tively. Tell me Scott, why is it that Sen. anything more grand? Oh wait: that would mean that food and more food, I thought: "Say no more," the nice man with Hillary Clinton sounds like she's been reporters would have an actual "back­ "Eureka! I can be a White House press the large firearm replied. on a glue-sniffing expedition? How Opinions editor Jonathan Graef is a bone," or to put it in the parlance of reporter!" I would have thought that these does the President feel about Mrs. senior from Glenview, III. He majors in our times, "balls." With my hero Jeff Gannon/James Guckert/Milli Vanilli in my mind, I things took longer, what with this Clinton's royal suck-titude?" English and political science. Media misleads on Social Security plan New York Times editorial dishonest about Bush's latest reform efforts By Christian Huebner the money in the personal ernment checks become smaller - under the accounts of workers who President's plan, it is only because an individual For an example of the intellectual - and dare I died before retirement? worker has chosen to receive other forms of capi­ say, ethical - poverty of left-leaning media on the "The government could tal gains to compensate for, and most likely matter of personalized Social Security accounts, take its cut from your pri­ exceed, this gap. But remember, this is itself look no further than the Feb. 23 New York Times vate account before the optional, A worker can choose how much, up to editorial on the issue. money went to your sur­ half, of his Social Security taxes he wants to per­ The Times attacked President Bush's "stump­ vivors - a grab that could sonally invest. ing" for one of the benefits of his proposed com­ wipe out your stash," the The Times' brazen failure to grasp (or choice to mon sense reforms: the fact that money in per­ Times wrote. ignore) such basic, common sense concepts might sonal retirement accounts can be inherited by the You would think that be forgivable if it were not for the condescending families of a retiree upon his or her death, "If only to have raised this fear, attitude the newspaper takes toward the ignorant the ignorant masses knew what the details were," the Times must surely masses it seeks to alarm. the Times editorial seems to warn. have had good reason - "The idea of making the private accounts part An important feature of President Bush's plan some part of the of one's estate is particularly appealing to low- is that, in order to draw from his or her accounts President's plan must at and middle-income earners, who may not have after retirement, a worker would be required to least hint at this possibili­ all that much to leave to their heirs under normal use a portion of his or her account to purchase an ty. You would be wrong. circumstances," the Times noted. "If those happy annuity, which is, as the Times described it, "a In fact, the Times admits clappers only knew the details." financial contract in which you hand over a lump­ that "The White House Surely such an esteemed newspaper as The sum payment and, in return, get a monthly would hotly deny that the New York Times is staffed with people bright stream of income for life." last alternative could enough to identify these kinds of meager argu­ The President's plan quite sensibly mandates happen." ments and put a stop to them before they are that retirees use enough of their personal Nothing freaks out the broadcast to the world. accounts to secure annuities that will provide Bush administration Yet, this is just the latest in a series of flawed income levels above poverty for the rest of their more than the suggestion articles the paper has published on Social lives. that the government Security. By "flawed," I mean articles using this Ah, says the Times, therein lies the insidious would ever tap into same kind of dodging about the basic principles catch. Because while President Bush promises someone's private involved. We need serious discussion about that one can bequeath funds to their heirs, in account. A government Social Security reform in general and President truth, one will only be able to leave behind the initiative "freaked out" Bush's proposals in particular; articles that money left over after purchasing their annuities. about protecting money obscure questions of common sense while flying This means that lower-income workers will earmarked to benefit a under esteemed institutional banners do not help have to spend a larger portion of their account on worker and his family? foster this discussion. annuities than wealthier workers, and thus will GRAPHIC: LINNEA BJERKNES/MANITOU MESSENGER This seems like exactly What is most worrisome about the Times and have less to leave their heirs. Even then, retirees the kind of foresighted its imitators' behavior is that their tactics seem to might choose to draw down from that remaining Bush's "something" is not as much as some might panic in which we would be working. Through pure pathos, they have lump sum before death. initially hope, for reasons the Times admits are like to find our government. demonized the word "privatization" and promot­ Let's try and put this in perspective. As Social sound. Some workers might even burn through The Times' final, indignant gasp was a shot ed such visceral unease about touching the histor­ Security stands right now, a worker can leave his all of their remaining lump sum and end up leav­ about how President Bush apparently does not ical idol of the New Deal that important reforms or her heirs nothing she pays into the program. ing nothing behind, just like they do now. The "seem too bothered about gutting your tradition­ might not come about simply for reasons of polit­ When he or she dies, no matter how long before obvious solution then, according to the Times, is al benefits." ical expediency. For a matter as important as retirement or how shortly after, that money is the for all workers to continue leaving nothing The basic principle of personalized Social Social Security, this is not just unfortunate; it is government's. behind to their families by clinging to a system Security accounts has been so thoroughly present­ wrong. President Bush's plan would allow workers to charted for bankruptcy. ed in other forums that it hardly bears mention­ leave something to their heirs by letting them des­ Perhaps sensing that this argument leaves ing, but it seems the Times insisted on further Staff Writer Christian Huebner is a junior from ignate a portion of their Social Security money as something to be desired, the Times editorial staff clarification. Lincoln, Neb. He majors in Integrative Studies: cre­ their own. The Times' complaint is that President offers a further warning. What would happen to If traditional "benefits" are "gutted" - i.e. gov­ ative writing and philosophy.

What should St. Olaf do with the extra tuition money?

Susanna Mennlcke Meredith Sorenson lenna Green Bret Hemmerlin Rebecca Johnson Tom Brown First yuar Sophomore Junior Junior Senior Senior "A hot tub in every dorm, or at "Build the new science center "Give it back to students." "Build a new concert hall." "I think they should give the "A stairway path to Tostrud least a tub with jets." faster and/or a decent recital rest of it back to the graduating from Rand and Thorson Halls." hall." seniors."