Friday The Independent April 23, 2004 Cambridge Student Issue 599 Newspaper since www.varsity.co.uk 1947

ARTS VARSITY NEEDS YOU INTERVIEWS WAR Apply Now Spin King Al What is it good for? Details Inside “I was a bit pissed off” Page 15 Page 4 Page 08 Campbell’s Dupe

Contents

“If the Higher Education Bill proposes differential fees at its third and final reading, despite the many excellent initiatives contained in it for Higher Education, I will have no choice but to vote against the Government again”

- Anne Campbell

Expiry Date: 31st March 2004

Bryan Coll she insisted that “important safeguards had been introduced into the bill to counter my concerns about variable As students returned to Cambridge fees,” and claims to “have noted every- this week, local MP Anne Campbell one’s comments” which “have guided was faced with angry accusations of a her voting decisions.” “spectacular u-turn” following her Campbell pointed out that her failure to vote against top-up fees. efforts had secured a ‘cap’ on fees, Despite her high-profile opposition meaning that universities attempting to variable fees and her pledge to vote to charge more than the maximum against the government, Mrs. amount would be fined. She also sub- Campbell voted with her party dur- mitted an amendment to ensure that ing the third and final reading of the this £3000 cap could only rise above Higher Education Bill on 31st the rate of inflation if approved by March. both the Commons and the Lords. Her change of heart was described Campbell’s endorsement of the by The Guardian as a “crucial turning Bill appeared to conflict with her ear- point” in thwarting a backbench lier views on the issue. In a statement amendment proposed by Norwich MP released by the MP in October 2003, Ian Gibson to remove variable fees. she described differential fees as “a Campbell defended her actions as nec- dangerous leap in the dark” and essary to prevent a “wrecking amend- added that certain academic subjects ment” which “rather than providing and universities would “inevitably any alternative …would leave the fee suffer” as a consequence of the pro- structure completely unregulated.” In a posed scheme. statement published on her website Continued on page 2

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News

NEWS 02 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Campbell in the soup on fees switch CUSU condemns local MP’s about-turn on top-up issue; Campbell argues “I did what you wanted” ...continued from front page since the Government first unveiled against variable fees and 71% urging its proposals. She was part of a high- Campbell to oppose the bill in the After abstaining in the vote fol- profile core of MPs opposed to the Commons. The Case for the Defence lowing the second reading of the bill scheme during most of the debate. CUSU President Ben Brinded in January, the MP claimed that she told Varsity: "Anne Campbell prom- extracts from Anne Campbell’s letter moderated her stance after receiving ised that she would vote against vari- letters from undergraduates who “she went back on her word. able top-up fees but she went back I believe she has broken supported the proposals. One of on her word. I believe she has broken Dear Editors these came from Becky Bowtell, an Cambridge students’ trust Cambridge students’ trust". SPS student from Robinson, who In contrast to her stance on the urged her to support the HE Bill on HE funding issue, her opposition to The readers of your paper might be interested to know what I did the basis that it would reintroduce It was, therefore, a surprise to the war on Iraq has been consistent. do for Universities, students and their parents in the vote on Higher grants to poorer students. Her deci- many of her colleagues and con- She has frequently rebelled against Education Bill on Wednesday 31 March. I voted for what the sion to do so, according to CUSU stituents that she abstained in the the government on the issue and majority of you wanted. 57% of your survey wanted no upfront fees. Higher Education Funding Officer crucial vote in January when the Bill resigned from her position as 66% of you wanted the reintroduction of £1,500 of maintenance Robin Sivapalan, went against "a was passed by the narrow margin of Parliamentary Private Secretary to grants. 73% of you wanted a more generous student loan scheme. clear mandate to vote against top-up five votes. the Secretary of State and Industry I have not changed my mind on variable fees; but I believe I have fees" given to Campbell by the Campbell gave strongly-worded in order to vote against military secured important safeguards from the government to prevent a majority of Cambridge students. assurances to the student population action in the Gulf. damaging market in higher education. I forced the government to Campbell has disputed this, arguing of Cambridge that she would oppose Her voting record on top-up fees change its mind on key issues: in a letter to Cambridge students variable fees in parliament. has, however, led some to suggest - To strengthen the Bill and ensure that no universities are able to this week that she "voted for what In a statement made to Cambridge that the cause was never close to her charge higher fees - those that try to do so will be fined the majority of you wanted". undergraduates in October 2003 she heart. Robin Sivapalan told Varsity - To ensure that fees do not rise above inflation before 2010. After Campbell’s stance on tuition fees wrote, "If the HE Bill proposes dif- he felt "utterly dejected" as a result that, fees would only be able to rise after a debate and vote in has wavered significantly since the ferential fees at its third and final of Campbell abandoning her "sup- Parliament. Labour government came to power. reading…I will have no choice but to posed personal commitment to Being an MP is about making hard decisions - and I did that on In 1997, she opposed the abolition of vote against the Government again." opposing variability". 31 March. maintenance grants and the intro- The opinions of local students were Anne Campbell was on Select duction of tuition fees; but when it also made clear to Mrs Campbell in Committee business in the USA Yours sincerely, came to the vote, she sided with her a joint survey organised by the MP when contacted by Varsity and was party. Campbell had been vocal in and CUSU. Over 850 students took unavailable for comment. her opposition to top-up fees ever part in the survey, with 80% voting Curate wins abortion battle NUS Vote Bryan Coll such huge pressure on women to have seen as something that needs to be towards women: “I’m doing this so Archie Bland a perfect baby”, comments the former eradicated.” that women aren’t traumatised and barmaid, “the mother is in a very vul- Abortions taking place after 24 babies aren’t lost for trivial reasons.” A former Cambridge student and nerable position.” “Our enslavement to weeks are generally rare as the foetus The Cleft Lip and Palate NUS’s conference at Blackpool saw Church of England curate has won physical perfection and superficial has a relatively good chance of surviv- Association (CLAPA) welcomed the the Labour Party’s hold over the her battle to have a police inquiry beauty has now become so great”, she ing outside the womb. The fact that decision and lended their support to leadership of the student union bro- into a late abortion she describes as commented in a recent interview. As the pregnancy in question was termi- Rev. Jepson’s campaign. Chief ken as Kat Fletcher, founder of the an “outrageous, unlawful killing”. the sister of a Down’s syndrome suffer- nated due to a cleft palate was particu- Executive Gareth Davies believes the left wing Campaign for Free The decision by West Mercia police er, Rev. Jepson is also critical of the larly controversial, as the defect can case may dispel common myths sur- Education, was elected by a margin taken on 16th April follows a series of government’s policy of compulsory usually be corrected with simple sur- rounding the condition and improve of just two votes. Fletcher succeeds hearings for a judicial review into the screening of pregnant women for gery. Around 1000 babies are born public understanding. “We (CLAPA) Mandy Telford, by whom she was legality of the termination. The Down’s syndrome. She believes it will each year in the UK with a cleft lip or believe that if the general public had a defeated last year in a similarly close results of these hearings will be made lead to increased abortion of Down’s palate. greater knowledge of the condition the race. public later next month. babies. “Disability is not a negative Rev. Jepson insists that she is not option of termination might not be In a conference which also saw Rev. Joanna Jepson, a former stu- thing, she states, but it is nonetheless being judgemental or condescending considered.” controversial clashes between the dent of Ridley Hall, previously chal- Union of Jewish Students and the lenged the failure of West Mercia Federation of Islamic Students over police to investigate the late abortion the extension of the No Platform pol- of a baby with a cleft palate. She icy to include more Islamic groups, believes the abortion was against the Fletcher’s victory was a moment of law and is calling for the doctors high drama. The defeat of Labour involved to be prosecuted. candidate and NUS Scotland presi- According to the Abortion Act of dent Rami Oshaka was hailed by 1967, terminations after 24 weeks of CUSU delegate Dan Mayer as “a pregnancy can only be performed if reflection of anger on campuses at the there is a substantial risk that the child government over fees and the war.” would be born ‘seriously handicapped’. Mayer added that the result would A cleft palate, Rev. Jepson believes, mean “an NUS that doesn’t just help does not constitute a ‘serious handicap’ the government write the white and therefore renders such an abortion paper.” Seb Dance, a delegate from unlawful. Rev. Jepson describes the Manchester University, said that 1990 and 1967 laws as containing ‘a despite the defeat, for Oshaka to dangerous element of subjectivity’ “come within two votes of winning - which permits abortion on compara- particularly when the Labour Party is tively trivial grounds. The abortion on taking a lot of crap at the moment - is which the case is based took place in amazing.” Herefordshire in 2001 and was per- Some students had predicted an formed at six months by a local doctor upsurge in support for the who cannot be named for legal rea- Conservative party in the wake of its sons. opposition to fees; but this failed to The 27-year-old curate of St. materialise. Instead, Fletcher became Michael’s church, Chester has a per- the first non-Labour NUS president sonal connection to the case. She her- for more than 15 years. Her policy, self was born with a severe facial seen as either uncompromising or deformity and endured painful correc- extreme, was outlined in her mani- tive surgery to treat her condition. She festo as “No to tuition fees, no to top- now has no visible disfigurements. up fees, no to graduate tax - yes to a Rev. Jepson fears that women today non-means-tested living grant for are increasingly likely to terminate every student in further and higher their pregnancies if they discover their education. An NUS campaign based baby has a similar defect. “There is on mass direct action.”

NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Apr 23, 2004 03 Discount mates One friend, good working condition - £22 on eBay Chine Mbubaegbu friends came up with the idea. The bidding started at £5 and Big John’s friendship had received 20 bids by the time the They say that you can’t put a value on good online auction ended. A London student, Karim friendship - but a group of Cambridge students Baloo, was the highest bidder and ended up pay- has found that you can. The value is £22. ing £22. He is now the proud owner of Big John’s Jonathon Richardson, Sheridan Halls and Jack friendship. Included in his purchase are regular Lankester of Hughes Hall, decided to follow in updates from Big John for a period of up to 12 the footsteps of Rosie Reid of Bristol University months and a ‘Big John friendship pack,’ which who recently sold her virginity on the internet the sellers say is excellent value for money. for £8,400 and Adam Burtle from the University Included in this friendship pack are: a Big of Washington who made $400 when he sold his John cardboard doll complete with wardrobe, the soul online. official history of Big John, an official certificate The group wanted to sell something that they proclaiming friendship with Big John, an ‘I’m Big thought “people might want that is definitely John’s Friend’ badge and an audio recording of worth having”. Deciding not to sell their virgini- Big John. This audio recording includes a wel- ty or souls, they chose instead to put up for sale come message from Big John and generic Big that most prized of possessions - friendship. The John phrases such as “Alright,” “See you,” and particular friendship in mind was that of ‘Big “You coming down the pub later?” Mr. Baloo is John’ ( John Elmer), a PhD student from Hughes believed to be visiting Cambridge in the near Hall who was away for the weekend when his future to inspect his new companion and make use of his £3 voucher entitling him to one drink with Big John. Big John said of his friends’ exploits at his expense, “I must admit that initially I was slight- ly dubious about the whole thing, then I decided it was actually extremely funny.” He was not opti- mistic about the amount of money that would be raised, however, and said “When it started, I thought I would make a tenner from some chari- table soul in college or something. Then when the bidding started to hot up a bit, and some utterly random people were bidding, I was fairly surprised, and had no idea how much I was going to go for in the end.” His friendship was in the end sold for double what he expected and John will be receiving a 25% share of the profits. This growing trend in unusual Internet sales appears to be a particular pastime of students. With tuition fees, college bills and the impending threat of top-up fees, there has never been a more financially demanding time to be in higher edu- cation. Selling non-material items such as virgin- ity, souls or friendship seems to be a way to make easy money and the craze is set to become even more popular in the future. Second year English student Jack Lankester, one of ‘Big John’s Mates,’ says of prospective ven- tures, “We are considering selling Big John again, since there was such interest, especially from America, and have other schemes, such as selling a yearly subscription to a collection of our pho- tos.” Big John’s mates aren’t the only Cambridge students to make use of the potential goldmine that is eBay. Recent items to have gone under the virtual hammer include a personal, guided tour of Corpus Christi College which was snapped up by an American tourist for £80. A quick online chive search reveals a number of cash-strapped students keen to flog their academic credentials in some shape or form. College gowns and scarves are par-

arsity Ar ticularly popular items. Beer and wine stains V come as added extras of course. No friends? Just buy one on your computer! Williams’ war of words Archbishop gets political on visit to Cambridge Gabriella Jozwiak emerged, were anything but certain”. He added, “It is more that we face a general weakening of trust in the political system of our nation.” Cambridge hit the headlines this week when Despite not mentioning the Labour govern- one of the University’s oldest endowed sermons ment, the prime minister or Iraq, the remarks was used a platform for political critique. The were reported as a “devastating critique” by The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Rowan Times. Whitehall spokesmen rejected the Williams, delivered a sermon on the theme of address, claiming it said nothing new. The obedience that inexplicitly criticised the gov- Church of England, however, untangled the syn- ernment’s current involvement in Iraq. tax and agreed with the Archbishop’s attitudes. Dr. Williams implied that the government’s The Archbishop’s spokesman insisted that the conduct in the war had seriously affected the sermon dealt with principles rather than attack- country’s political status. Speaking at St Bene’t’s ing specific incidents. He commented, “The Church in the town centre he preached: “There Archbishop’s [attributed] views on Iraq were were things government believed it knew and extrapolated from previous things he has said. I claimed to know on a privileged basis which, it don’t think it was intentional.”

Varsity Editor Michaelmas 2004

Don’t just read the news, make it For over half a century Varsity has been home to the very best in student journalism. Now it’s your turn.

NEWS PAGE FOURTEEN FEATURES www.varsity.co.uk Mar 05, 2004 03 12 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk 06 March 05, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

celebrated in Moscow with fireworks and treaty engineered by the Russian general This is what President Putin, aka The sins of a parade of the president’s special army Alexander Lebed. Before 1994, when Vladimir Vladimirovitch, calls his contri- Pickets stay put unit in the Red Square. Yeltsin’s Chechen war began, not a single bution to the international war on terror. New boys, New Hall? PAGE PHWOAR-TEEN! It was also a good night out in Chechen terrorist attack had occurred on Consider for a moment that some stu- the fatherland Cambridge. In its weekly email, the Russian territory dents in Cambridge organised a vodka Cambridge University Russian Society Then a series of bomb explosions in party to celebrate Russian Defenders’ President adds voice to debate over single-sex status Charlotte Forbes absent colleagues, is the first time that invited all to celebrate the day at a “Baltic Moscow and Rostov, which were attrib- Day this week, only a few days after the the AUT has threatened to “hurt” stu- (Sort Of) Sea Vodka Party”. uted to Chechen separatists (but none of Russian men last brutal terrorist attack on a Moscow Charlotte Forbes are actually more likely to undertake colleges in later years, shown by the fact dents’ interests. The AUT has been STUDENTS SORDID STEAMY SEX SCANDAL investigated It may be news to some that 23rd which have been admitted by Chechen tube station, but also on one of many days PhD courses and frequently land top that 75% of New Hall students Tension between striking lecturers keen to stress that such action is a last February 2004 not only celebrates those rebels to this day), triggered off the inter- in Cambridge in which Russian conscripts are sent to jobs in employment, suggesting that achieved firsts in Maths last year, beat- and the university mounted this week resort, as they feel they have been left who shed blood for their country but also vention of Russian troops in Daghestan are lucky they Chechnya to fight in a war with what can Despite St. Hilda’s College in ambitious women often deliberately ing their counterparts at Trinity. as an indefinite boycott of student with “no choice”. Mr Savage said, “Our Varsity bosses were left reeling last night after it was found that Dave by Dina marks the 60th anniversary of Stalin’s and Chechnya, leading to the complete can escape the be safely described as having dubious Oxford recently deciding to remain For students present at the meeting, assessment was launched on Monday members regret any harm caused to “four birds” Fawbert and Al “alibi, honest” Rushmer each had a 12 in mass deportation of the Chechen popula- destruction of the capital Grozny and tragic fate of a intentions. a women’s-only zone, the future of Single-sex colleges no the main issue was the stigma attached by the lecturers’ trade union, the individuals, but our action is vital for a bed sex romp, Page Fourteen can exclusively reveal. The pair, both tion to Central Asia. Those who survived forcing women and children to flee. defender of single-sex colleges at Cambridge longer have a place in to single-sex colleges within the uni- Association of University Teachers the long-term interests of higher edu- aged 21, managed to have their marathon orgy despite the lack of the Gusejnova were allowed to return to Chechnya in Naturally, when the Duma elections ussians in Cambridge are more like- has been called into question. versity. As one first year student put it: (AUT). The move may mean that cation. If the employers were to give a Russia Cambridge 11 other people usually required for steamy sex scandals that tabloids 1956, and this generation now constitutes were held in Chechnya in December they ly to go on to work at Goldman Earlier this month, the possibility of “The reaction of other students when I without sufficient marking of essays genuine commitment to address the thrive on, Page Fourteen can also reveal. a politically active age group. Not surpris- brought back an 86% majority for Putin’s RSachs than to rape women in the male students at New Hall took a tell them which college I’m from and exam papers, some students may AUT’s concerns, there would be no n 14th March, Russia will hold its ingly, they do not partake in the festivities. Unity party. Meanwhile, women there backyard of a bombed-out house in step closer to reality when a motion choose a single-sex environment, as it makes me feel like I have to justify not be able to graduate this year. need for an assessment boycott at all.” “Essentially what we have done is take a potentially slanderous story, presidential elections. In the Problems in Chechnya began after the who appeal to Russian courts for brutal Grozny. Russian men here are lucky in that on the issue was successfully carried is more suited to their needs. myself ”. Such perceptions, however, The crisis shows little signs of abat- The university warned AUT mem- a lie you might say, and hoped that people won’t read past the first line, Orecent parliamentary elections in collapse of the Soviet Union when sepa- rapes committed against them by military their background gives them the means to by the JCR. In an unprecedented Indeed, despite the oft-cited pres- have not been restricted to the ing, following an internal email from bers that any failure to carry out exam after which we completely contradict ourselves” a spokesman for the December, not a single democratic party ratist attempts prompted four years of officials are left unheard; the guerrilla war escape the tragic fate of a ‘defender of move this week, the college ence of the women-only colleges at the women-only colleges, with students the university threatening to withhold duties would be punished by the for- paper said yesterday. opposing President Vladimir Putin’s war. However, a degree of peace was continues and press and aid organisations Russia’, whose parents were unable to pay President, Mrs. Anne Lonsdale, bottom of the Tompkins Table, women from Girton and Robinson claiming pension contributions to those on Unity party received more than 5% of the secured between 1996 and 1999 in a are denied entry to Chechnya. for him to escape conscription. This in decided to tackle this question actually achieve better exam results at that the same attitude is levelled strike, in a step deemed “vindictive” by The boycott...is the first The two journalists of the year (year 2004-05, Page Fourteen nation’s vote. Putin has prepared well for Russia is commonly done by entering a head-on in an open debate with stu- the single-sex colleges than their female towards them. the AUT.This would mean that should time that the AUT has Journalism Awards) are thought to be the first ever celebs to be caught the presidential ‘contest’. university course. The second path to avoid dents of the college. counterparts at mixed-colleges. Eleanor Parrot, JCR President of a lecturer die whilst on strike, their threatened to “hurt” student Daisy - refused to comment yesterday in an orgy-less orgy. Varsity editors Reggie Vettasseri and Laura-Jane On the same day that Sergei conscription is emigration. The The JCR motion, passed by just 20 Mrs Lonsdale vigorously denied the New Hall, told Varsity “It is great to see family could stand to lose up to interests. Foley, both familiar with sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll scandals them- Yushenkov, the leader of the Liberal Cambridge student has done both, and it students, put forward the idea that accusation that New Hall might be an so many people taking an interest in the £100,000 in life insurance. Nick selves, broke the news late last night to a shocked and packed press Russia party, registered as a candidate for Putin’s Russia: is ironic that some seem supportive of remaining as a single-sex college was “easy way in”, saying that the college is future of our college, and the fact that Savage, Branch Secretary of the conference and described the situation as “serious” but the two love the position of the president, he was Putin’s style of leadership. retarding rather than advancing the more likely to take a chance on stu- Anne came to talk to us on such a per- Cambridge AUT told Varsity that this feiture of a day’s pay. The union action Page Fourteen Says... gods themselves declined to comment. assassinated. Elena Tregubova, a journal- If educated and well-informed individ- rights of women in Cambridge. It dents, often resulting in lower first year sonal level demonstrates how open we move was “highly unconventional” and could not have come at a worse time Who’d have thought it?! can’t have some good honest ist who recently published a book criticis- uals do not recognise that 23rd February declared the idea that women achieve results and thus accounting for the are here”. The next step for the college he claimed that employers want to for the university, currently in the A return to the cold Two‘upstanding’ Cambridge fun when you’re young then The two at the centre of the story commented through their agent to ing Putin, called ‘Tales of a Kremlin deserves to be, if anything, a day of col- better results when separated from position in the league table. However, will be a wide-ranging questionnaire, “intimidate not help”. process of preparing exam papers. students at the centre of the when can you?” The lack of our roving reporter (desperate for a story): “well, I went to bed about Digger’, only just escaped an explosion in lective shame, rather than praise for the the “intimidation” of men, was students from women-only colleges but for the moment, it appears that the The boycott follows a nationwide Cambridge has consistently taken a biggest sex scandal since Bill any accuracies in the story midnight and woke up around 9ish, I had a really weird dream about her flat last month. history of the Soviet Union and particu- “deeply patronising” and “unhelpful become equally strong rivals to other men will have to wait. strike that saw academics from 110 hard line against the union and refuses Clinton mentioned that doesn’t matter, scandal sells bacon”. So in fact they did comment despite what is written at the end Before Christmas, the Moscow office larly the Russian army, there is little hope to further progression towards gender institutions move on to the picket lines to recognise it for bargaining purposes, Monica was partial to a puff and this one will run and of the previous paragraph (the truth is immaterial to us tabloids). of the Open Society Institute, a group for greater public attention to the crimes equality”. The student body decided in protest of a new pay restructure, a policy that has been retained under on a pink cigar. Well, we at run. Stay tuned for more Friends of the saucy pair tried to defend them, simply saying “bol- financed by the US philanthropist against humanity that have been and are that provision could be maintained causing widespread lecture cancella- Vice-Chancellor Alison Richard. A Page Fourteen say “if you juicy libel. locks”. The statement speaks for itself. Girls, similar to these, may have been involved in the orgy of lust George Soros which supports democracy being committed in Russia every day. for those who require single-sex tions throughout Cambridge last week. university spokesperson told Varsity and equality, was ransacked by a crew of Nothing can be said against loving accommodation for personal or reli- Such desperate measures demonstrate that it is “standard policy” to withhold armed security officers. None of these one’s country. But participating in acts of gious reasons within a mixed-college, the frustration of university staff at a pay during industrial action, but crimes have been investigated. patriotism for a state which persecutes its through the creation of single-sex pay rise of 6.44% over two years, fol- claimed that the pension scandal had To add a touch of spirituality to his own citizens, curtails the media and free corridors. lowing claims that their salaries are now been exaggerated, given that superan- campaign, three weeks ago Mr Putin came speech, enforces the Secret Service as the The debate, attended by both the up to 40% behind those of contempo- nuating payments had already been About Cambridge up with a special gift for the citizens of the country’s central institution and refuses President and Senior Tutor, Dr. raries outside academia. Such claims made at the time. Russian capital. Alexiy, Patriarch of the to investigate assassinations of those who Owen Saxton, was designed to have been reinforced by high-profile The issue of pension contributions Orthodox Russian Church, declared all attempt to enter the political scene by encourage views from a wider group examples in the national press of lectur- has incensed the AUT. A member of It’s week 5 and you’re fed up. The arctic conditions rolling in from the fens have managed to brass your tap water in Moscow to be holy. On a cold democratic means, is truly repulsive. of students. Mrs Lonsdale denied the ers leaving academic life. Dr Karl the executive committee, Bill Trythall, monkeys, half of the college have disappeared into the academic black-hole (they will not be seen until grad- day in January, any inhabitant of Moscow One can only hope that there will be idea that single-sex colleges no longer Gensberg of the University of labelled this a “dirty trick” and added, uation, by which point they will have lost half their body weight and grown a beard down to their knees) could for 24 hours enjoy the privilege of no vodka party before the election. It is have a place in Cambridge and cited Birmingham quit his £23,000 a year job “such draconian threats are unprece- and you have enough paper on your desk to keep Murdoch in business for the next 5 years. So why fight it? bathing in and drinking holy water in his clearly time to change to tap water. At the example of the American Ivy as a university researcher last month to dented in modern industrial relations”. Get depressed, and revel in the fact that it is still 4 weeks until you can go home, have a hot bath and sleep very own flat. Who needs a healthy econ- least here in Cambridge there is a dim arsity Archive

League universities, at which applica- retrain as a gas fitter, with possible He did, however, state that the meas- V

arsity Archives on a mattress that has not been used by 26 other people. omy when you can bathe in holy water? hope that it has not been sanctified by

tions to women-only colleges have V earnings of up to £70,000. ures would be extremely difficult to Meanwhile, 23rd February, fomerly the patriarch Alexiy. soared in recent years. Single-sex col- The boycott, which will also include implement and are probably an attempt hings 1. Rowing – we already get up about 5 hours earli- 6. All architecture from 1960s onwards – Cripps ‘Day of the Soviet Army and Navy’, has lege graduates from these universities “Men, you say?” One thing that hasn’t changed since 1954. staff appraisal schemes and cover for to put “the frighteners” on people. T er than any other students, so why get up even ear- Buildings for example. Stop trying to make a cre- now officially been renamed the ‘Day of

arsity Archive [email protected]

lier to freeze on the Cam in lycra tight enough to ative point and just design something that looks the Defenders of the Fatherland’ and was V make even Linford Christie blush? half decent (see picture)

ap 2. 9 O’clock lectures – who’s together by 9? The 7. Girton and Homerton – not the colleges or

r kebab is still stuck to the side of your face and your their residents but the fact that you poor people Robinson revolted by KFC rise mouth feels like a well used nomads flip flop. In have so far to travel. You ought to get a free sports Harry Porter and the Cambridge comedians the words of many a student up and down the degree for doing so much cycling. Rumour has it country “sack it off ”. that Girton will be applying for EU membership Students boycott buttery and formal hall in protest against emerging “conference centre” mentality in the next 2 years so good luck with that! n the last 50 years the face of British the club’s only senior member, Harry acted as who was visiting with ex-Footlights collab- success stories. Sacha Baron Cohen, creator 3. Too much work – how are we supposed to grow comedy has changed enormously - a stalwart, friend and mentor to each year’s orator Neal Mullarkey. of the character Ali G was a regular per- Zara Hayes this brought Robinson “in line with of staff are needed to cater for the to pass a motion stating that the While the action continues, stu- 10 C as social beings and catch Neighbours twice a day 8. Aggressive Beggars – I’d be more inclined to Iand many of the principal protago- crop of budding comedians. Harry was a loyal defender of Footlights former with Footlights. other colleges”. With the current increased needs of the conferences RCSA should “officially oppose the dents are finding more imaginative in order to catch the subtleties in the acting? Alan donate if you weren’t wearing better clothes than nists in this revolution have started off At his funeral in January, an impressive comedians, and notoriously shut his door in Similarly Matt Holness, Perrier Award KFC at £110 per term, Robinson is that keep Robinson in business. boycott”. ways of feeding themselves. Both Fletcher (a.k.a. Karl Kennedy) was at RADA, don’t me and didn’t hurl abuse when I claim, accurately, in Cambridge. line-up including Ben Elton and Bill Oddie the face of John Cleese’s unwanted biogra- winner 2001, has appeared in an episode of Robinson students have boycotted now on a par with other colleges. Students realise this necessity but Rumours of a movement to depose King’s and Selwyn have kindly you know (maybe). that I haven’t got any change. Names like Peter Cook, Douglas Adams, had personal stories of Harry’s kindness. pher, who was determined to unearth secret The Office and starred in his own series their own canteen this week follow- The new KFC, however, will make Johnson at the weekend forced him to offered to “adopt” Robinson students Stephen Fry and more recently Sacha Former members of the club, famous or evidence on the comic. Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place currently airing ing an increase in kitchen fixed Robinson one of the most expensive The majority of students accept his loss of support and resign. He at mealtimes and take them along to 4. Ridiculous names for things – Tripos, bops, 9. Tourists – Charming at first. Not when you Baron Cohen have all passed through these not, still used to pop by to visit him. on Channel 4. charge (KFC). It was revealed that canteens in the university. The were in favour of the boycott, admits to have made a “grave mistake in their canteens. Varsity expects that P’lodge, matriculation, ents etc. Why, oh why must realise there’s been 3 Japanese tourists staring ivory towers and more specifically, the Douglas Adams, staying at Harry’s house he Cambridge Footlights have a dis- In the forty years he was involved with the Senior Bursar plans to increase Senior Bursar declined to comment with only a few ‘braving it’ in not keeping the students fully usually placid Robinson students can we embarrass ourselves consistently relating univer- through your window for the past 10 minutes. And Cambridge Footlights. whilst directing the summer tour show, tinguished history. Over the years the Footlights, Harry Porter was a staunch sup- KFC for the second year running. on this issue. the canteen. informed”. Other members of college learn a few lessons in protesting sity life to non-cambridge friends? you’re on the 3rd floor. Last year Dr Harry Porter, senior archivist found the name for the central character in Tclub’s summer revue has featured per- port and advisor for the hundreds of people Students would be forced to pay Zee Ashraf, who has led the cam- have led the student body and even pro- from their more experienced King’s of The Cambridge Footlights, sadly passed his book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy formers including Clive Anderson, David involved in the club. This term, to mark the £405 a year on top of the college paign, explains that the average price insist that college must recognise vided their own funding in his absence. counterparts over dinner. 5. Abbreviations – everywhere, even short words 10. Cambridge Nightclubs – where else in the away. He joined the club in 1962 and served after seeing a history book by one Arthur Baddiel, John Bird, Germaine Greer, Nick loss of Harry, Footlights have planned a Peter Cook’s bill. The announcement has led to of a canteen meal is £2.35. With the their different needs. They propose a get the CamAbb. Treatment (Trin?). CUSU, world would people not begrudge paying £6 to as the club’s treasurer and senior archivist but Dent on Harry’s shelf. More recently, he Hancock and Clive James. series of events in his honour. Firstly they Footlights show disagreement in the Robinson addition of the equivalent daily re-evaluation of the canteen’s role, in CICCU etc. and by far the best, CUMS. On a dance to terrible music, get attacked by townies, his role extended well beyond these titles. As put up Mike Myers of Austin Powers fame, Peter Cook’s legendary show ‘Beyond the have run a new-writing competition - the College Student’s Association amount of KFC (c. £2.15), this which the students who use the can- Christ’s ‘Typewriter’ Cripps Building. This is a truly rubbish building. I could similar note, why do we not have a Cambridge drunken hooray Henry’s and pay £4.60 for a Prince is credited with Fringe’ is credited with ushering in a revo- Harry Porter Prize - which marks his legacy make one better than this. Just look at it. It’s shit. Complete bollocks. (RCSA) that has forced its presi- equates to an average cost of £4.50 teen pay for the privilege. Students University Netball Team? Consort vodka and rola cola mixer? ushering in a lution in British comedy that was followed by giving an opportunity for an aspiring dent, Graham Johnson, to resign. per meal for a person who uses the want to be able to “opt out” of the revolution in up by the Monty Python crew - comic writer to have their work performed. canteen once a day. He commented, KFC system and possibly introduce a British comedy “The new KFC will make Footlighters John Cleese, Graham This year’s prize was judged by Stephen “The stated aim of the boycott is to swipe card system with higher till Chapman and Eric Idle. Fry, who described the winner, Daddy’s Robinson one of the most force college to take our concerns prices, if necessary. New Varsity Campaign - Free School Lane Loser requests p14 love tips Perhaps the high point came in 1980 with Dead by Simon Bird, as “an immensely expensive canteens in the seriously”. The student activism has led to the show The Cellar Tapes which won impressive piece of writing” with “such university.” Students argue against the can- disagreement about how to negotiate Dear Page 14, confirm or deny your self-assessment, Footlights their first Perrier Award, the most good jokes.” Also planned is a Harry Porter teen’s inefficient organisation, adven- with college. This climaxed with the Since it seems that our valient campaign to save Gardies and won’t hurt you, it’s served its time and deserves a new I’m a bit of a catch. But I never get some time spent reassessing your per- Cambridge Footlgiths prestigious in comedy. The cast included memorial gala at the end of term for alum- Rents at Robinson are due to go turous dishes and excessive numbers resignation of the RCSA President, is failing, it is time for us to adopt another noble place of rest. I’m sure CUSU will support us in this politi- any action because I’m always busy. sonal hygeine may not go amiss. Be Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Emma ni and Footlights members featuring per- up by 8% - almost three times the of staff constituting unnecessary Graham Johnson. The overwhelm- student cause - and Page Fourteen’s choice is to cally-correct movement – after all it is black, quite gay It’s doing my head in, and I’m worried realistic. For instance, are you sure Thompson and Tony Slattery. formers both old and new to pay tribute to current rate of inflation. The addi- expenditure. The canteen offers a full ing majority of students were in fight to Free School Lane. and comes from a poor background (you never get any the girl of my dreams will slip through you’re unphotogenic, or is it that just There is a popular misconception that the man that had such a massive influence tional 22.7% increase in KFC, means breakfast, while only a handful of favour of the boycott, with only a few postcards of the poor thing). Free School Lane, you my fingers. Help me an accurate representation of your Footlights is now in the shadow of its former on British comedy. Robinson students feel they are students use this facility. This issue ‘braving it’ in the canteen. Johnson, That poor Lane has been providing a walkway know it makes sense. Desperate of Tit Hall unpleasant little face? glory days, unable to live up to the legacy of being forced to foot the bill for a col- has been dismissed by college offi- however, absolutely refused to sup- past that strange Chinese shop towards the New The point, old son, is this: aim low. Fry and Cook etc. But the last 10 years has Daddy’s Dead, the Harry Porter Prize win- lege that runs at a huge loss every cials in the past, fuelling opinions port the action. He called an emer- Museums site for over 500 years when its secret Future campaigns – Tennis Court Road fights for Dear Desperate, It can’t fail. If it’s slipping through shown that Footlights is still up to the chal- ner, runs from the 10th-13th March in the year. Last year, students reluctantly that the students are paying for the gency committee meeting on desire has always been to provide the path towards learning its right to be near a Tennis Court and Downing Are you sure you’re a bit of a catch? your fingers that worries you, look for lenge of exporting the latest stars. ADC Theatre at 11pm. accepted the steep 30% rise in KFC, upkeep of a ‘Robinson College Monday and an inside source has for youngsters on their way to the local comp. So come on, Street asks to be given as much respect as his twin If no-one else will get close enough to a fat bird. And the best of luck. The fortnightly smokers have helped because the Senior Bursar stated that Conference Centre’. Such high levels informed Varsity that he attempted find it in your hearts to free School Lane. It’s not a cyclepath brother. Can the fortress walls of Robinson withstand the wrath of its hungry students? produce some of Footlight’s more recent Matt Harvey Harry Porter with Alfred Hitchcock in Cambridge Be part of the Varsity editorial team for Michealmas 2004. Apply by 14th May for the following positions: Editor Where Now? Editor Comment & Analysis Web Editor Interviews Editor Editor News Editor Science Editor Visual Arts Editor Arts Editor Fashion Editor Photos Editor Film Editor Any alternative Production Managers Sports Editor section ideas welcome. Sub Editors Features Editor Satire Editor Travel Editor Literature Editor Music Editor Absolutely no experience necessary. Contact [email protected] for more details or visit www.varsity.co.uk

NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Feb 20, 2004 05 Grads to share pad New Posh Idol University Centre opens its doors to undergraduates Aisleigh Sawyer receive from the centre. The wide mal and, according to some under- range of services provided are intended graduate students, unsatisfactory.They to supplement the already excellent claimed that they would be likely to Undergraduates are to be given benefits that students gain in their col- use the facility but had no knowledge membership of the University Centre leges.” of their new privilege. Other under- for a trial period of two terms. Ben Brinded, CUSU President, was graduates say they do not feel the need The University Centre, situated instrumental in putting forward the for access to further facilities as they next to Silver Street and previously proposal to the University Council: feel “fully catered for by [their] col- used only by graduates and staff, offers “One of the real benefits I see from lege”. However, Brinded encourages one of the cheapest bars in this expansion of membership will be undergraduates to make use of the Cambridge, a coffee shop, restaurant, the increased interaction between staff centre: “The University Centre is a large dining hall, a poolroom, televi- and students of the University.” So far, fantastic facility that I hope under- sion room, computer rooms and much publicity of the move has been mini- graduates will want to use.” more. Tonight, CUSU will be hosting a launch night and acoustic evening in the downstairs bar at the Centre, pro- viding a good opportunity to find out more about the Centre and what it has to offer. Other events are planned throughout exam term. The Centre is open seven days a week and last year welcomed 350,000 visitors, making it one of the most vis- ited buildings in the University. Opened in 1967 to provide a social centre for graduate students, its mem- bership has gradually widened to include staff, alumni and now under- graduates. Dr. Timothy Mead, Registary of the University welcomed the council’s decision: “The move to Cat Hockley open the Centre to undergraduates is Cambridge has its fair share of wannabe popstars, writes Naomi Christie. CUSU’s another step forward in the provision Popsuperstars concluded this week, with finalists strutting their stuff on stage at Ballare. of a wide range of social facilities to all Some budding singers, however, can find luck on the long road to fame. Cambridge gradu- members of the University.” “The trial ate Helen Joynson-Hicks, lead singer of folk band Honeyriders, released her debut album this period will enable us to assess the ben- week. A self-proclaimed close friend of TV’s ‘Ali G’, Sacha Baron Cohen, Helen was recently efits and uses that undergraduates dubbed “the real Posh” by the Daily Mail due to family links to the fourth Viscount of Brentford. Proving popular with Radio 2 listners, her album ‘Letting in the Light’ and sin- Undergraduates could soon be dining in style at the University Centre gle ‘Colour’ are on sale now. Buy early to beat the rush. Cambridge under fire over US research National Audit Office report renews criticism of MIT project which Tories claim will hurt university’s reputation

Aisleigh Sawyer UK universities are under-funded.” ernment. The NAO report agrees Cambridge, Professor Michael Kelly, joint team of researchers began work A spokesperson for CMI’s UK that it was the Treasury’s failure to said: “people outside CMI have on developing better artificial bone office told Varsity that the Tory MP’s involve other departments sooner underestimated the scale of the chal- to replace damaged and worn-out The publication of the National claim that CMI is largely of benefit that led to delays in the early stages lenge involved in getting CMI off human bones. Now CMI is setting Audit Office’s report on the to the Americans is out of date. CMI and that it is only in the light of over- the ground”. As many of CMI’s up an innovative research community Cambridge-MIT Institute at the was “set up for the UK economy” and ly ambitious goals that early progress research projects are complex and that will look for specific ways to end of last month has spurred fur- each University benefits equally with appears disappointing. Yet in 2003 difficult to measure in terms of suc- reverse the relationship of man serv- ther allegations of incompetence, a 50/50 split in everything down to Sir John Bourn, Controller and cess, their outcomes are not expected ing computer - and put humans firm- misdirection of funds and disap- the staffing. Any discoveries made by Auditor General, found that CMI’s for some time. ly back in charge. Whether the pointing progress of the £84 million CMI remain the joint intellectual “internal controls” were also Yett since it was established in results are worth the government and project. property of Cambridge and MIT. “extremely weak”. 2000, a range of research projects taxpayers’ £68 million remains to be The Cambridge-MIT Institute However, shadow secretary of state Executive director of CMI at have been undertaken. In 2002 a seen. (CMI) was established by for education, Tim Yeo, has also crit- Cambridge University and the icised the planning and handling of Massachusetts Institute of CMI. He asserts that the project was Technology in 2000 to create a new “not thought through properly and form of academic enterprise. It important departments like the received funding to the tune of £84 Department of Trade and Industry .mit.edu million - £68 million coming from were not involved in the negotiations the Department of Trade and early enough”. The NAO report con- www Industry with a further £16 million curs that, as a result, conflict between raised from private industry. civil servants and academics has CMI’s function is to undertake developed, despite the aim of CMI to research and education to improve increase the effectiveness of knowl- UK productivity and competitive- edge exchange between university ness, to develop research programmes and industry. Yeo goes as far as to and improve technology and to pro- state that the failures of the project to vide common courses in science, date have damaged Cambridge’s rep- technology, engineering and manage- utation in the US, “where the impres- ment for students. But Conservative sion has been formed of a Cambridge MP George Osborne, who called for University shackled by civil service an NAO investigation in 2002, incompetence”. claims that the project has “delivered A CMI spokesperson commented few obvious benefits” thus far while that both Conservatives’ criticisms “half of the taxpayers’ money has are not only “blatantly inaccurate” gone to one of the best-funded but also “directed at the wrong peo- American universities at a time when ple”. Any criticism to be made, she the government is telling us that all asserted, should be made of the gov- Trouble in the ivory towers: Cambridge’s muliti-million pound partnership with MIT has been called into question

FEATURES 06 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

hen it’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m still up a gorgeous new acquaintance: “I was playing Nintendo, I start to up late last night watching Apocalypse Wworry about my mental health. Now, I loved the battle scene with Robert Surely it’s not worth the lost hours of Duvall”, is an acceptable thing to say in sleep just to get that gold trophy for this situation. “I was up late playing Zelda killing sixty duck-human hybrids in less and Ganondorf kept killing me before I than three minutes? But the clock ticks, could rescue the princess - man I hate and I’ve made it to 57 man-ducks twice Ganondorf ” will send the object of your already, and if I can only improve just a attentions running for the bar, where she little, I can feel certain that I’ve will attach herself to someone watching achieved something in the last three the football. You’ve been labelled as nice hours. but eccentric, and even though you just Computer games have come to pervade know the football-watching boy has a culture in a way which the inventors of secret fixation with Championship Pacman could never have imagined. For Manager, there’s nothing you can do. example, there are games columns in the So why is Zelda so geeky? It’s one of broadsheets and dedicated awards cere- the longest running franchises of the last monies attended by Hollywood stars; twenty years, selling millions upon mil- celebrities from John Motson to David lions of copies in countries worldwide. I Duchovny scramble to ‘star’ in bet I know the answer – have you made it videogames. Their effects are wide-reach- through this far in an article about games, ing – do they have an adverse effect on and been female? If so, do you think stay- children? Are they too violent? Do they ing up until the early hours playing video help with hand-eye coordination, concen- games is totally normal? I bet that if your tration or puzzle-solving? answers are yes on both counts, you are Yet computer games are not cool. The one of maybe ten in this whole university. computer gaming industry is on a par The gender gap with regard to video with the DVD industry in terms of rev- games is stark – they are almost exclusive- enue, but to admit that you shoot at ly played by males. A study carried out by ing. But the scientists were only able to But this situation is ripe for change. duck-human hybrids until the early hours Scandinavian scientists last year on a make conclusions about male gamers – Not only do videogames increases con- of the morning is to invite derision. group of gaming addicts concluded that because they could find only one female centration and lengthen the attention Games are unique in that they are every- gaming increased concentration, hand- gaming addict for the trial. span, but the newest games are incredibly where, but are still largely seen as nerdish. eye co-ordination and generally speeded This relates to theories of mind. complex and highly involving, with great Imagine that you’re in a bar, trying to chat up the mental process when puzzle-solv- Saying “I was Psychologists like Simon Baron-Cohen plots. Their popularity comes from the suggest that male minds are analytical fact that they are an enjoyable way to up late playing whereas female minds are empathetic, spend time – they are like films, but Henry French’s quest Zelda - man I proposing that this is why women are instead of being a viewer, you are a partic- hate Gandorff” more likely to enjoy emotional melodra- ipant. is likely to send mas, like soap operas while men are more Unfortunately, men seldom dare to say the object of likely to enjoy puzzles – and videogames. this in front of women, because they don’t for the gaming girl This is a very simplistic way of looking want to challenge the public perception of your affections at things – not all men like videogames by gaming as uncool. From now on, I say running any stretch, and the variety of games is Halo and MarioKart should be as accept- dizzying. I go for the tame Zelda rather able as topics of conversation as than the civilian-annihilating violence of Hitchcock and Spielberg: my epic strug- Grand Theft Auto: genres of games are gles with half-human, half-wildfowl Game Over! comparable with genres of film, so to adversaries are nothing for me to be lump together all games is impossible. ashamed of. Psychology does, however, help to explain Please try again why explaining the intricacies of Try Varsity [email protected] Timesplitters 2 in conversation is unlikely to make women fall at my feet. Kosovo’s Ethnic Cleansing - An Eyewitness’ View

he sky above central Belgrade was extremist band of nationalist thugs reflected On the streets of Belgrade this is an nal in The Hague represents an alarming filled with plumes of dark noxious a wider sense of outrage after the latest spate unsettling prospect. For Serbs Kosovo is failure to engage and acknowledge the eth- Tsmoke. Below, the city’s seven- of ethnic-cleansing in Kosovo that has left much more than just another region of the nic atrocities undertaken in their name. teenth century Ottoman mosque, a symbol dozens of Serbs dead and hundreds more former Yugoslavia looking to disentangle At opposing ends of the spectrum, those of the region’s multi-ethnic past, lay in seriously injured and homeless. itself from Belgrade’s control. The scene of on the extreme Right continue to demand smoldering ruins. This was the worst outbreak of violence an epic battle fought against the expanding Kosovo’s return to control from Belgrade “Football hooligans and idiots,” said local seen in the province since its civil war ended Ottoman Empire in 1389, Kosovo repre- and Albanian hardliners are impatient for an resident Anna Jovanovi disapprovingly, “the nearly five years ago. It was seemingly sents nothing less than the birthplace and autonomous ethnically pure Kosovo run by same fools that fought for the militias in sparked by the death of three ethnic symbolic heart of Serbian national con- themselves. Bosnia and Kosovo. We are all disgusted by Albanian boys who drowned in a river after sciousness. However, the conflicting demands of both what is happening to us Serbs in Kosovo allegedly being chased by a gang of Serbs. Many perceive the current conflict in the sides are entirely out of sync with the UN’s right now, but they’ve gone too far. They are However, the UN, which has adminis- province as a continuation of Serbia’s his- plan, which aims to reintegrate the commu- frustrated and want revenge. They give Serbs tered Kosovo since 1999, has accused The latest toric struggle against Islam, with ethnic nities prior to any negotiations on the a bad name.” Albanian hardliners of using the incident as Albanians cast as Ottoman occupiers. This province’s final status. Such procrastination, Belgrade’s media and politicians echoed a pretext for an attempt to drive the remain- spate of ethnic misleadingly monolithic treatment of combined with the recent outbreak of vio- Anna’s condemnation of this act of vandal- ing Serb minority out of the province to cre- cleansing in Muslims even led one young man demon- lence, is damaging the UN’s prestige in the ism. Nevertheless, the behaviour of this ate an ethnically-pure Kosovo. Kosovo has strating against the recent atrocities in Balkans and beyond. left dozens of Kosovo to proclaim that “Al-Quaeda has One commentator attacked European Serbs dead shown that the West should have supported governments for pressing so hard for self- us in Kosovo.” government in Iraq, whilst denying the and hundreds But the strength of protest I witnessed in Kosovars their own sovereignty. But in homeless Belgrade has also been fuelled by a more Kosovo, with two fiercely polarised commu- UNMIK-DPI recent upsurge in an aggressive and xeno- nities and no history of self-rule, the UN has phobic nationalism rarely witnessed in had the momentous task of trying to build a Europe since World War II. nation from scratch. Last December, Vojislav Seselj’s neofascist After five years they have made limited Radical party, benefiting from a deep sense progress and the legitimacy of imposing a of national humiliation and despair, was vic- multi-ethnic state on inhabitants that simply torious in the parliamentary elections. After do not want it seems questionable. The a botched transition from communism and a international community had hoped that decade of war, sanctions and international time would heal differences, but the contin- isolation, Serbia has descended into an eco- ued uncertainty is only strengthening both nomically-depressed state, rife with corrup- Serbian and Albanian extremists, making a tion at all levels. settlement in this region an increasingly dis- Serbs have failed to acknowledge their tant prospect. own role in the decline, instead perceiving themselves as the innocent victims of a mali- James Weston cious international conspiracy.Their instinc- James Weston was in Serbia during the Race riots in Kosovo tive animosity towards the war-crimes tribu- uprisings

NEWS REVIEW www.varsity.co.uk Apr 23, 2004 07 George and Ariel sitting in a tree...... K. I. L. L. I. N. G. (and ripping up the ‘road-map’ for peace while they’re at it) Hijab resident Bush last week brought into Arab world, as it will have a direct impact on was that the reformulation of the policy on Israel question America’s long standing role as a countries such as Jordan, Syria and Lebanon was simply a public recognition of political reali- Winner Pmediator in the Middle East peace which have substantial populations of refugees. ties, Downing Street is concerned by Bush’s process by giving his endorsement to Israeli The Bush administration is distancing itself unqualified endorsement of Israel’s claim to parts plans to retain some West Bank settlements and from principles which have previously guided of the West Bank. For the past three years Blair of the story to drastically limit, if not reject outright, the Middle East diplomacy, abandoning the idea that has encouraged Bush to put pressure on Israel to Palestinians’ ‘right of return.’ The plan the Palestinians and the Israelis should arrive at a make concessions, and it is thought he will con- week endorsed by Washington calls for the closure of tinue to urge Mr Bush to give his full support to all 21 Israeli settlements in Gaza, along with the Bush is abandoning the idea of the ‘road map’ agreed last year, an initiative which withdrawal of Israeli troops, but it requires the envisages the creation of an independent Ariel Sharon removal of only 4 of the 140 Jewish settlements a negotiated settlement Palestinian state after reciprocal concessions by in the West Bank. The withdrawal from Gaza both Israelis and Palestinians. Present a stupid, violent policy has been dismissed by Palestinians and Arab negotiated settlement, and that in the final settle- America has also been criticised over its muted to a stupid, violent President leaders in the region as a ploy to retain West ment Israel would broadly adhere to UN resolu- response to the attack on Saturday night on the of America, and hey presto, a Bank territory annexed by Israel during the 1967 tions and withdraw to its pre-1967 borders. Hamas leader Abdel-Aziz al-Rantissi, who was place in history beckons. Six-Day War. The unqualified support of the Bush adminis- assassinated by Israeli helicopter gunships. His In a significant policy shift, Mr Bush claimed it tration for the plan, thought to be the least pro- death follows the killing of another Hamas leader, was ‘unrealistic’ to expect full Israeli withdrawal Palestinian of the four options presented by Israel, Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, an act which provoked an obstacles in the already difficult peace process. from lands occupied during the 1967 war, relaxing is a huge coup for Sharon, as this American back- escalation of violence. Many Arab countries have Nonetheless, Sharon remains firm in his intention Washington’s objections to Jewish settlements in ing will make it easier persuade his right-wing accused the US president of giving Israel the go- to hunt down and kill the leaders of terrorist the West Bank. Bush’s agreement with Ariel Likud party to endorse his plan to withdraw from ahead for continuing its assassination policy, organisations such as Hamas, while standing Sharon’s rejection of the so-called ‘right to return’ the Gaza strip. which has been widely condemned as contraven- accused of being himself a terrorist. CD is in particular expected to provoke anger in the Although the message from the White House ing international law, and creates unnecessary Diana on TV Mel Gibson The American TV network CBS caused a furore on Thursday when it broadcast pho- tographs of Princess Diana dying in a car and the friars after the Paris road accident that ended her life. Tony Blair condemned the “distress to her family” caused by the programme, and Mohammed Al Fayed, whose son, Dodi, who want a was also killed in the collision, fumed that CBS “simply want to cash in on the tragedy.” piece of him The pictures, showing Diana’s battered body in the wreckage of the vehicle, had never before entered the public domain. ega-rich Passion of the Christ director They were taken by paparazzi at the scene, Mel Gibson has been asked by the adding to their controversial nature: many MFranciscan friars of Renewal to make a have blamed the snap-happy freelance pho- film about their founder, St. Francis of Assisi. tographers for causing the accident by inces- The friars have demanded that Gibson make santly hounding the princess. Under attack the film in a letter and a petition. They want a from all sides, CBS protested that the images Passion of the Christ 2, ‘to produce a sequel about were shown “in a journalistic context”, a man many claim to be the Church’s greatest although it is unlikely that this defence will saint’, which could be called Man of the Passion. win over their critics. The friars believe the film would ‘show the world Although the pictures may have been pre- what happens when a person totally and unequiv- viously unseen, the controversy surrounding ocally responds to the Passion of the Christ.’ Diana’s last moments is nothing new. An Like Jesus, St. Francis has been portrayed on inquiry held in Paris in 1999 put the blame screen many times, but the friars believe this ‘has for the accident on Henri Paul, the car’s been done poorly’. They clearly feel the need for a chauffeur, whose blood contained alarming hyper-violent re-make of the religious figure’s life, levels of alcohol and evidence of drug use. a skill that Gibson perfected in the Passion of the

This has not satisfied Al Fayed, who still ew James Christ. Father Sudano, head of the friars who live periodically pops up in the newspapers to

insist that his son and the princess were mur- Andr dered by shadowy establishment figures who the head of the friars admitted were unhappy with their relationship. accu- Gibson probably would sations, such as his claim that the chauffeur’s Bulls are your friends, trust them, obey them, love them not listen to their pleas blood samples were fixed to blame him for the crash, have been dismissed as conspiracy theories, and his reputation for eccentricity in New York, said ‘This powerful figure has too has contributed to his image as a fantasist. often been reduced to a pious, and peace loving Nonetheless, Al Fayed’s refusal to drop the character in the past.’ This caricature is wrong, matter means that the details of Diana’s This is not bull because St. Francis is much more ‘interesting and death will continue to be controversial for engaging’, and Father Sudano wants him to the foreseeable future. receive a Gibson style Hollywood makeover. Bulls have feelings too, they’re just shy Sudano, head of the 82-strong community, admitted Gibson will probably not listen to their he News Review’s town Roedental, to his owner’s animal stories like this one, pleas, as he would be either making other con- ongoing interest in grave in a cemetery one mile especially ones about animals troversial religious films or spending some of his Loser issues of animal intelli- away. Barnaby had surpassed who act like humans, so if you T hundreds of millions of dollars on expensive gence has been spurred on this many obstacles in order to pay have any, email them to or219 - of the week by the extraordinary story his respects, including jumping everyone who emails us gets a things like precious gems and gold bars. of a very special bull called over a wall. After a vigil lasting a mystery free gift... EB Nevertheless, he hoped the petition would raise week Barnaby. number of days, he allowed the issue of the need for more violent religious His late owner, farmer Alfred himself to be led away. While films. ‘If Gibson chooses not to do this, maybe Gruenemeyer, nurtured a close scientists have known for some Barnaby the Bull Contributors: there will be a Polish director or whatever’ said relationship with his animals, time that chimps, elephants and Father Sudano, banking on the idea that Poles This bereaved mammal had to be Esther Bintliff allowing them the run of his dogs all seem to exhibit a con- are pre-disposed to want to make religious films forcibly removed from his vigil at house. After his death, Barnaby sciousness of death and loss, the Cath Duric the grave of beloved owner, Alfred the bull became unhappy, and bull’s bereavement experience is Ollie Rickman or become the Pope. Gruenemeyer. The bull loses but at finally disappeared from his unprecedented. John Slight least it makes a story. field. He was later discovered to Here at News Review, we’re have pilgrimaged from German desperate for more fascinating

Courtesy of Grayson Perry resignat aministerial scandal, from animmigration And no lef Campbell that, after Soon faced theblame. andCampbell wasdead, ment scientist arenowned govern- monthslater, Three butnotunscathed. ing office-victorious sincetak- patch ment through itsrockiest Iraq, Alastair Campbell isinanairport AlastairCampbell Iraq, A Not spin...justfact 08 Will Gallaghermeets Alastair Campbell t Do Mar just completedtheLondon y wning S ,whilstthegovernmentrecovers w, ion, ear ag athon andseentheg Now Relevant and aworseningsit INTERVIEWS o, Alastair Campbell had AlastairCampbell o, Apr 23,2004 t reet “for thelasttime.” and occ lot ofthings-fun, jazz, covering Ilove, styles. the musical all liketointegrate eventually Iwould tohow want to express Ireally myself. am gettingcloser groovy muthafucker and very snappydresser.groovy muthafuckerand very Alsohewasa groundbreaking music lastforcenturies. will ing, man not Also, andpopmusic. serious somewhere inbetween awkwardly itliesrather So music. toclassical inferior considered musically r I’m outreally. workingmyself still Y musicianThe Iadmiremost T Jamie Cullum People comparemetoSinatra sometimes Jazz thing. isawonderful artists mostimportant one ofthe20thCentury’s acomparisonto However, isnotwhatIam orwanttobe. er which I ofadesert. dle ar think that some people are automatically resistanttolistening areautomatically think thatsomepeople ou should come and see me live because ou shouldcomeandseemelive he bestplacetolistenmym l ntn ui,lk omc oenmsc anditisoften music, likesomuch modern instantmusic, ely y gir eas nelculbrir r oeie adt cl.Itis are barriers sometimes hard intellectual toscale. because r oc asionally intense and intelligent music. intenseandintelligent asionally ,danceandhip-hop. k, ls seemtohangar uat o ion in v er n - spontaneity and stupidity coupledwithenergy andstupidity spontaneity lounge Saddam Husseinandon theroad torecov-Saddam f going topretend thesituation inIraq isper- would bewher longer thanIwantedreally.” thattook placekeptmeinthejob events The sion from thePrime MinisterlastMay. got permis- interesting isthat Ihadfinally is What Ithinkdid. would benow? “Yeah, on itall. ect, But didhehav A y ound jazzc but Istil spoal ie ai.Hischang- MilesDavis. is probably ear ag , on thephoneto usic With every album and live gigI albumand live every With l maintainthatanI o is o , lubs. ti o?“ok I’m not e itisnow? “Look, did heen n headp e an People envisage acroon- . as aper y ideatheg Varsity ho visage wher former I offer a Ioffer former nes inthemid r , aq without o reflect vernment e he ing - middle. ma isthatyou concern don’tMy only useful- truly anything learn you Itteaches good disciplines. itis. and usefulexercise whatever ever long you putitofffor ever lesso All Iwanttodo now All musiciansI wouldadviseany aspiring L dothesamethingforever.I couldnever I wouldsaytoCambr My style T these days. 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That’s todothingsthatupsetpeople. afraid He’s not radical. andvery Tony isbold, doingwhatisbestforthecountry. politician, he’s aprofessional Infact, men. things toall all deceitful, thinkhe’s They dishonest, rate. public co r l isone ofthemostana- likeBeckham, He, doweknow thereal Tony Blair? “No. So, doesn’tCampbell seemthereverent sort. but bereverence -it’seven hard totell, itmight There isgenuineaffection; “Tony.” ishisconstant reference to Campbell, less, or How much more, liant communicator. se he belie andwhat great conviction inwhathedoes, Hehas Butheismore thanthattoo. ing. apolitegoodbye. says andhe hisflightiscalled ask, before Ieven his fault?It Buthow much ofthatis way it’s conducted.” wer are doingbetterthanthey doing? “They take o persist. huge assettoo Butthere isnodoubtthat Tony isa does. it “Yes, knows that’s notwhatIamasking. is whetherN thinkwhatyou’re “I asking ondrawn Brown. Heisnotgoing tobe potential successors. to talkaboutpolitics, speak, Igo to When politics. interested inparty are They justnot not. politics? “They’re “ Hiscontempt isstrong. words out. Hespitsthe strategy.” through political don’tbut they thought aremotely have aremachine, They amore attack effective yzed people, and people will have aview have andpeoplewill people, yzed grls fhwh sprryd Ithinkthe ofhow heisportrayed. egardless That’s what Tony has.” ea ie.H svr lvr Heisabril- clever. Heisvery times. veral Does theL One ofthemoststr Alastair Campbell is chatty andcharm- ischatty Alastair Campbell Ho S verent or not, Campbell is determined to isdetermined Campbell verent ornot, t o why are young peopleapatheticabout e y, or questioning the ability ofBlair’s orquestioning theability y, than thatheis, , w doeshethinkthe e, erpis safely. hereplies, ver,” I findlotsofy but that’s alimitedachievement. v “There are plenty ofpeopleableto are plenty “There es in. cpini rs.It’s justnotaccu- nception isgross. s o Tn. Heisconvincing. ase for “Tony.” quite c ’ s thenextob c m Buthewantstostay very able. comfort- makingmefeel dotes, hisanec- telling talking away, aught damningtherest ofthe c ncnrl Hewon’t get incontrol. uch abour Party needBlair? This wLbu usde. 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LIFESTYLE 09 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

1) Have a clear idea of what it is you want: Most hairdressers include a pre- styling consultation in which to discuss your ideas and what is feasible, consult hair magazines beforehand (Borders have the best selection) and take hair accessories along with you. 2) Book Early: Hair appointments start selling out around now so it’s worth skipping the rush. It’ll also get you the best time slots; you don’t want to find yourself in at 9am of your ball day, hungover getting your hair viciously back- combed. Most hairdressers require a deposit in advance so take your cheque book. Hair

Hairstyles avail- Hairstyles available 3) Accessorize: And don’t just go to the shop namesake; be a bit cre- able at VIP hair- at Stilo Nuevo, 13 ative; buy paper flowers, feathers, ribbon or strings of small pearls to have cutters & Co, St Johns St, 01223 entwined in your hair. Robert Sayle and Heffers Art Shop are best. 56A Mill Rd, 355339. Price £50. 4) Don’t wash your hair: Well do, but it’s best to do it 24-48 hours 01223 314364. beforehand; freshly washed hair is too slippery to stay in place for long. Price £30. Photos by Ria Cooke The May Ball Bible

A tendency amongst us with May Balls is to focus on getting the ticket, the date, then neglect all the details of one’s appearance until the last minute on the grounds that they are unimportant. At this point in term we should be sit- ting at our desks debating in our minds the questions of capitalism or communism- not high-heels or flats. But we all know what we’d rather do - right? So Lifestyle hopes you find the following tips helpful, either for the big week itself or just as a source of procrastination. And remember; a little effort goes a long way- if only the same could be said for exams… Make Up Body Dress

Molton Brown offers the following tips: With low-cut backs, strapless bodices, plunge For alterations: Robert Sayle provide a complimentary list of seam- 1) Remove all make-up, exfoliate and cleavage lines most of you will be wearing dresses stresses and dress makers in and around Cambridge. cleanse the face thoroughly: Make up will that reveal parts of your body not usually on dis- last longer as a result and your overall com- play, especially the arms, back and shoulder area. For bras: For strapless or halterneck Marks and Spencers do a ew Gillespie plexion will be fresher. The following should ensure they are in good nick ‘Smooth-lines’ range of bras with interchangeable/ removable straps in minimal to suit her dark hair and tan. for the night: black, flesh and white, normal cup and push up, priced £16. Robert Sayle sell transparent bra straps (£3.45) and halterneck straps (£1.95), The Fake Tan: Best to book a for a low-backed dress they also sell a back strap converter (£5.95) day or two before the ball itself, which lowers the back strap of a bra significantly, all can be used with tan treatments are usually pricey normal bras. Photos by Andr (in the region of £40) however For more sheer dresses Robert Sayle also do a flesh 2) Think about colouring and which fea- Stilo Nuevo (13 St Johns St) coloured body priced £25. If straps must be on show, tures to emphasise: For Jenny Stocks offer a half-body tan for £18 to Gossard do a bra with diamante straps in between the (above, left): Zoe, the make-up artist, students. Choose from either the bra cups as well as around the back (see decided to complement her fair complexion Fake Bake treatment for the dark Figleaves.co.uk). For keeping necklines of dresses in by using summer pastel shades, focusing tanned effect or the Dermalogica place ‘tit-tape’ (double sided sellotape) is available attention on her lips by using a deep red. treatment for a softer, golden glow. at WHSmith and Robert Sayle. On Jenny Quinn (below, right): Zoe enhanced the eyes, opting for a ‘smokey’ The Facial: Especially good for men as it’s the one For pants/thongs: Marks and Spencers do ‘The effect around the lids and keeping all other area on show when in DJs. Stilo offer a special Virtually Seamless Knicker’ in black, white and flesh as well as about a make-up gentleman’s facial including an optional tanning zillion shapes and sizes. They also do a range of ‘hold-in’ pants which agent for £22.50. are a god-send for turning alcohol and kebab-abused tummies into Makeovers by Zoe Emely at Molton washboards, they range from light control to firm control and are avail- Brown, 5 Rose Crescent St, 01223 able as pants or thongs in black, white and flesh. 353954. Price £15 Date of the Week Last Term’s Your chance to date Cambridge’s most eligible singletons Date Ella Last issue’s man of the week, Willy, chose Katherine, Our date of the week is Ella Boughton, a 2nd year an SPS student from Magdalene for his date. They Magdalene student studying English and Education. enjoyed a romantic evening of punting together with champagne and strawberries as the perfect accompni- From: Beaconsfield ment. Later, they enjoyed a drink at The Anchor pub Favourite Song: I touch myself. looking over the beautiful River Cam as the sun set on Favourite Book: Love in the Time of Cholera a perfect spring day. Katherine said of her date; ‘We Describe yourself in three words: Up for anything had a great time. Willy was the perfect gentleman and What I’m best at: Backdiving naked. we were so lucky with the weather!’ Willy said; ‘I defi- What I’m worst at: Whispering nately made a good choice! Katherine was lovely and To pull me: Be outrageous! we chatted non-stop all evening.’ To date Ella email [email protected] with ‘Ella’ in the title by Sunday. Send answers to the same questions, your contact details and a photo if possible. EDITORIAL 10 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Mixed Principles

No one could have envied Anne Campbell’s position on 31st March. The top-up fees debate is one issue where it’s impossible to keep every- one happy. Campbell would have faced strong criticism regardless of how voted after the third reading of the Higher Education Bill. As the political representative of one of the world’s leading academ- ic institutions, Mrs. Campbell has an important voice in higher educa- tion. This voice, however, is one that is fast losing the support of many Cambridge students. Despite repeated promises to oppose variable fees she has failed to act on her word. The amendments she claims to have secured seem too little too late for those who believed she would act on the mandate given to her by the majority of Cambridge stu- dents. We respect our MP’s right to her own opinion – and her right to change this opinion. What is most disappointing about Mrs. Campbell’s behaviour, however, is that she has failed to keep Cambridge students abreast of these opinions. Her last-minute abstention in January came as a great shock for the majority of her constituents and Westminster colleagues. The reassurances she made after this initial failure to oppose the government’s proposals led some students to believe that she would still fight, as she had so openly promised, for the removal of variable fees from the HE Bill after the third reading. These continual failures to act on her word have left many Cambridge students strongly disillusioned with their chief rep- resentative. Anne Campbell’s strong position on Iraq would suggest that she is a politician of principle. She has remained true to her personal oppo- sition to the war, despite the government’s attempts to tame rebel vot- ers. Varsity was dismayed to note that such commitment to her per- sonal beliefs was not reflected in the promises she made to her student constituents. D’you wanneBay in our gang? A peculiar trend is beginning to emerge. First Bristol undergraduate The Week in Words Rosie Reid sold her virginity for £8,400 – and claims to have gone through with what began as an anti-fees publicity stunt; then an American student parted with his soul for $400. This week Hughes “Fucking lazy nigger” “We face a general weakening of trust in the political system of Hall’s own John Elmer – better known as Big John – has flogged his How disgraced ‘Big Ron’ Atkinson described Marcel our nation” friendship – for the paltry sum of £22. As part of the deal his new Desailly after Monaco beat Chelsea 3-1. Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams on the fall- bezzie mate gets a badge (‘I’m Big John’s Friend) and a tape of John out from the Iraq war saying things like “You coming down the pub later?” Such larks! “About 50% of the security forces that we built over the past Poor Big John, who sounds like a slightly second rate Robin Hood year stood tall and stood firm… about 40% of them walked off “I fell for a con and I was incredibly embarrassed by it, so I character, can’t have a very high opinion of himself, because he’s the job because they were intimidated... and about 10% actual- went to the police and said I’d been mugged. Now I’m bleeding absolutely delighted with the valuation. “The bidding started to hot ly worked against us.” relatively profusely, I’m extremely upset and I feel like the up…” he marvelled, “and I had no idea how much I was going to go - General Dempsey, Commander of the US Army’s 1st biggest fool that has ever lived.” for in the end.” Well, blimey, John. It’s time to confront those self- Armoured Division, after an upsurge in violence in the Iraqi Actor Kevin Spacey on an ‘accident’ he had whilst walking esteem issues. That’s less than most of us pay for a pair of shoes. city of Fallujah. his dog through a park in London. Still, at least he’s being honest. Friendship is always a kind of trans- action, a relationship inextricably linked with power. I like him “The electorate should be asked for their opinion when all our “We remind the public that Michael Jackson, like any other because he condescends to speak to me; he likes me because I make questions have been answered” person accused of a crime, is presumed to be innocent,” him feel good about himself. An exchange is performed. All the great Prime Minister Tony Blair on offering the public a referen- An announcement by lawyers of the pop superstar ahead of writers know it, from Shakespeare to Pinter. Perhaps Big John should dum on the adoption of the new EU Constitution. his appearance in court on April 30. be nervous – his new owner, Karim Baloo, does have rather a hold over him. Who knows what he’ll demand in return? “There’s no point asking David Blunkett what it means to be “They’re all fucking Nazis” But even if John has Blackadder’s sweet nature and Baldrick’s sense British. He’s forgotten too”. Daily Express owner Richard Desmond after the German of personal hygiene, he’s got to be worth more than £22. When The Times columnist Mick Hume on the nature of multicul- media group Axel Springer bid him out of the running for money and career and lovelife go to pot, your friends are what you’re turalism in Britain. ownership of The Daily Telegraph. left with: they never break up with you. Without them, life would be a miserable thing. Especially in exam term.

If you would like to contribute to Varsity please Arts/News Photos ([email protected]) Lifestyle ([email protected]) Thanks to all our sub-editors for their hard e-mail the relevant section editor. To submit a Andrew Gillespie, Jack Chiles, Ella McPherson Alex Grundy, Vicki Booth work. letter to the editor please email Sports Photos ([email protected]) Fashion ([email protected]) [email protected] ot drop your letter into the Andrew Sims Ronojoy Dam Web team: Tom Wilkie, Mohammed Ali Azeem, offices at 11-12 Trumpington Street. Chief News ([email protected]) Theatre ([email protected]) Lizzie Ostrom and Tom Simonite Editors ([email protected]) Bryan Coll Chris Adams, Charlotte Holden Laura-Jane Foley News ([email protected]) Music ([email protected]) Business Manager [email protected] Reggie Vettasseri Aisleigh Sawyer, Gabriella Gozwiak Henry Bowen, Edwin Lane Sam Gallagher Radio News ([email protected]) Film ([email protected]) Web Editor ([email protected]) Benjamin Bland Oliver Tilley Email the Business Manager to enquire about Jonathan Wood Comment ([email protected]) Classical Music ([email protected]) placing adverts. Production Manager ([email protected]) Amol Rajan Ciaran Jenkins Ifti Qurashi National News ([email protected]) Visual Arts ([email protected]) Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd Chief Photos Editor ([email protected]) Ollie Rickman, Esther Blintiff Dawn Tunstall and printed by Cambridge Evening News. All Ria Cooke Features ([email protected]) Literature ([email protected]) copyright is the exclusive property of Varsity Deputy Editor (News) ([email protected]) Tom Cahill Zoe Organ Publications Ltd. No part of this publication may Archie Bland Interviews ([email protected] Sport ([email protected]) be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or Deputy Editor (Arts) ([email protected]) James Dacre, Will Gallagher Rajan Lakhani, Sam Richardson transmitted in any form or by any means, with- Ellen E Jones Page Fourteen ([email protected]) Editorial Cartoonist out the prior permission of the publisher. Alex Rushmer, Dave Fawbert Andrew James

OPINION www.varsity.co.uk Apr 23, 2004 11

above your head are not going to up your fit ‘pottering’ on a Sunday morning. We have rating from an “I-haven’t-left-the-library-in- nightclubs; they have the shed. They are just so Ellen E. weeks” 5 to a “hello-boys!”, 8. Gentlemen, much more civilised than us. please, getting so drunk you pass out before This is all pure speculation, of course. I have 21.30 because this is first whiff of alcohol in a as little idea about what the older person really Jones month is not classy. It’s the very opposite of gets up to in their spare time as I do about the classy. But we’ve only got ourselves to blame. minds of boys (I don’t know about boys. It’s only to be expected that when the under They’re a bit icky really, aren’t they? They’re all HOW THE INDULGE-ME 25s are asked to bottle up two months worth of “Championship Manager this…” and GENERATION PURSUES PLEASURE hedonistic urges and then splurge them all out “Championship Manager that…” and who the hell is Terry Onree anyway? ig-zagging home on a Friday night, promise of a glorious May Week - rampaging No, only joking, I love pulling the hem of my skirt down from Garden party to Garden party to May rugby). But the key point Zwith one hand and shoving handfuls Ball, and not a moment of sobriety in Jolly japes, wizard here is to find out whatever of kebab meat at my face with the other, gently between. Ibiza Uncovered, eat your heart out; floats your boat, while light- murmuring I Will Survive under my breath, it when it comes to debauchery, posh kids do it ing your candle and tickling sometimes occurs to me that perhaps I’ve for- better. What a japes we shall have! What larks! your long-neglected fancy, gotten how to really have a good time, y’ know, And what a wizard wheeze! Come on wheezes... But do you and do it. Lots. And don’t be a proper rave up. Cuthbert! Come on Tabatha! Bring the Bolly ashamed, either. “Surely not!” they cry. “Review the situa- and off we go! Rah! etc….But before we get For example, there’s noth- tion!” they implore. “From the sounds of it you too carried away, an uncomfortable, almost ing my old Mum finds more were very, very drunk (good work), you were traitorous question must be asked: Is May really enjoy May Week ? relaxing (bless her soul) than obviously wearing an unfeasibly short skirt Week actually fun? reading detailed accounts of (you must’ve been beating them off with a I know it looks like fun, smells like fun and in one evening the result wont be fun, exactly, gruesome murder trials. My Auntie Pat col- stick, Ellen!) and you even had the good sense when you step in it, it sticks to your shoe like but more a big, grotesque, parody of fun. lects celebrity exercise videos. She’s already got to purchase a nourishing late night snack. fun, and in fact all the usual hallmarks of fun We are asked to bot- For the sake of May Week then, its impor- Patsy Palmers Urban Workout (“with a real UK These are all the ingredients of a great night are apparent: boys in tuxedos and girls in silly tle up two months tant to remember, in exam term particularly, Garage soundtrack!”) and she’s currently sav- out. You simply must have had fun!” Well, I dresses? Check. More free booze than you worth of hedonistic that pleasure doesn’t only come in super sizes. ing up for Fern Britton Does Yogalates. My thank you all for your kind words, but I’m could throw at a pig? Check. Fireworks? Why urges and then Just because the rolling around in your own friend, Rachel, likes a little flutter on the hors- afraid the situation is more serious than it may not! But isn’t this just the agreed upon short splurge them all vomit type of fun isn’t really an option till after es, Trav likes putting things in the blender to first appear. hand for fun? The one-size fits all, fun-by- exams, doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in some see what happens, and as for me, well, I’ve out in one evening Here we are, you see, stuck in the middle of numbers, rent-a-goodtime type of fun? Ladies, smaller, simpler pleasures. Take a leaf out of the really started getting into Frasier, lately. All we exam term, and all we have to spur us onwards be honest with yourselves - big toilet-roll pink Older Persons Guide to Weekend Pursuits. We really need to do is stop largin’ it and start through the coming hours of darkness is the dress and rock hard ringlets piled two feet have ‘raving’ on a Saturday night; they have medium-sizin’ it instead.

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight Cryptic crossword No.7: Set by Luke Pebody on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors reserve the right to edit all copy. Write to: edi- Letters [email protected] raise a toast to our hulking land economist heroes.

CUSU: Ugly? Yours sincerely, Dear Editors, Robin Friday Please never print that photo of Tim Stanley again. I Churchill certainly don’t think he should have been banned from hustings on the basis of what he said, but, frankly, his face is reason enough to bar him from office altogether, and possibly send him down. Becks Text Sex Ex

Wes Streeting is better looking, perhaps, but not real- Dear Editors, ly up to our recent presidential standards. Are expec- tations slipping? Lewis was boyband, Brinded is boy- I have an offer to make you. I am one of David next-door; Streeting, it pains me to say, is more bell- Beckham’s lovers. I have asterisk free text messages, boy. three sarongs and an alice band, and detailed measure- ments. I am considerably better value than Rebecca Leadership is all about image, Wesley: before you Loos, and I’m proper posh, not like her. I think we ascend to power, take my advice and get yourself a have things to offer each other: what do you say? nice makeover. In the meantime, keep it under you hat. And let’s hope next year the Fashion Show and I eagerly await your reply. elections are sensibly combined, for all our sakes. Yours faithfully Now Gardies is going, presumably you need a new campaign: save us from ugliness, Varsity! You’re our (name and address supplied) only hope!

Lesley Morton ACROSS DOWN TCS in letter faking scam? 1 Worker near the border of a northeastern county. (6) 2 Female trumpeter who escaped the ring. (6) 5 The king's namesake or half of a comedy double act? 3 Period since sea ran around. (11) (8) 4 Ancient farmer, or newscaster. (9) Merrily Down The Stream Dear Varsity 9 Cold antiseptic. (8) 5 Character of a bore. (7) 10 Clothes wrapped in vinyl on silk. (6) 6 Nick's back at NASA, almost. (5) Dear Editors, How low can they go? The word on the street is, 11 Willingness to look about the same. (6) 7 Combine elements centrally to get a fish. (3) your ‘rivals’ have started making up letters for publica- 12 "A kind of magic": a hit for a recorder. (5,3) 8 Introvert is hiding a fellow capitalist. (8) Finally, a reason to be proud of Cambridge. I am refer- tion. Take this week’s issue, for instance: one of their 14 One who doesn't respect boundaries must be shot 13 Backwards country in the style of french swelling and ring, of course, to the 150th boat race, which our proud letters, from someone called Zoe, praised TCS for down! (5,7) the middle of returned capital. (5,6) lads won by a thumping margin. One of them was even being ‘a pleasure’ - surprising enough in itself – and 17 Can our lad cut around a batty Eastern European? 15 Ate sundae, danced and became ill. (9) an undergraduate! goes on to sing the praises of the, er, captions: ‘a blend (5,7) 16 Cartoon character with insignificant voice. (3,5) of American brahsness (sic) and British dry wit.’ 20 Journalists in a kitchen installation, originally for 18 This girl is a considerable bother! (7) Have machiavellian brains and disproportionate brawn social events. (5-3) 19 It is best to take care, if he is around. (6) ever combined to such devastating effect? These men – Right. This is compelling evidence: does anyone out- 22 Throw suede around unknown issues. (6) 21 Sensory ring collector. (5) demi-Gods, I should say – deserve our adulation. Can side their immediate circle really know (or care) about 23 Crystal invites Joe inside. (6) 24 Allow a free service.(3) anyone with a link to the university deny shedding a lit- their transatlantic connections? If the editors really 25 Counter is untidy in a depot. (8) tle tear when cox Acer Nethercott spotted the chance of imagine so, well, it’s very sweet. A remarkably similar 26 Act slimy, confused, and strange. (4,4) victory? tone to Editor Strimpel’s own musings, as well, espe- 27 Area with sound of matching entrances. (6) cially when she Gets To Thinking. If Zoe Leigh really A picture of sporting excitement, his innocent little bot- exists, I apologise for my libellous suggestions instant- tom lip aquiver with glee, young Acer, oblivious to his ly; otherwise, TCS, j’accuse. Last week’s answers microphone and the 8.9m television audience, cried: ‘Now let’s fuck them!’ And a legend was born, for fuck Yours sincerely, ACROSS: 1. BRIGHT EYES 7. GOLF 9. STABBING 10. LEAGUE 11. BON MOT 13. them we did. UNHEEDED 14. MANUFACTURER 17. TOTAL ECLIPSE Allan A Johns 20. SPLIT PEA 21. LASSIE 22. BOXERS 23. LIAISONS 25. TSAR 26. OF THE HEART Noble sentiments indeed, and what a relief it is to see the DOWN: 2. RATIONAL 3. GOB 4. TWIST 5. YOGHURT 6. SULPHURIC 7. GRAPEFRUITS Corinthian ideal living on in our best and brightest. I 8. LAUREL 12. MOUNTAINEER 15. ANTIPASTO 16. ASSIGNER 18. LEAFLET 19. SPOONS 21. LEAVE 24. SUE

OPINION 12 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Ben Brinded Six months of work that prove CUSU is THE CUSU PRESIDENT ON HIS FIRST 6 MONTHS IN THE JOB

any people have different views including the Target Campaign (over 600 as necessary as ever on the role of CUSU and how it volunteers visiting their local schools), the Mrelates to Cambridge students - shadowing scheme (150 school pupils visit- some people don’t believe that we do much ing Cambridge over 3 weekends) and Open Just as we have looked to ‘the big issues’, time for Disability Awareness week, LBG at all. Maybe one of the problems is that we Days. Although Cambridge has come a long CUSU has also done much that touches on Awareness Week, events around World Aids don’t communicate often enough what we way, there is still much to do before we can the day-to-day lives of students, whether Day, a programme of events in International do. This article is a chance for me to tell be sure that students from every social back- this is providing them with study skills Womens’ Week, anti-racism events, and you some of what we’ve achieved in the last ground feel confident applying to and being resources, free pregnancy tests, cheap photo- campaigning and supporting international two terms. at this University. copying or the largest Societies Fair in the students on the issue of visa charges. Any consideration of the last 6 months Following this principle, CUSU’s UK. CUSUents has continued to grow this Summarising the role of CUSU is an warrants some mention of Higher Campaign for Change has worked to ensure year, providing a range of entertainments immensely challenging task, and I am sure Education funding and variable top-up fees. that the education environment within the from club nights and Popsuperstars to that I haven’t completely covered all the var- Both within the University and on a nation- University suits all students and that acoustic music nights and the upcoming ied and diverse work of the last 2 terms.This al stage, CUSU has worked tirelessly to pro- improvements continue to be made to the Diablo ‘04 summer event. With a brand new term, CUSU will be focussing on lobbying tect the idea that access to education should education that students receive. Campaign CUSU website, CUSU Alerts getting mes- for the University to anonymise the class be based on ability and not affordability, for Change has worked with the University sages across to students through email and lists that publicise exam results; running a whilst simultaneously ensuring that univer- to promote supervisor training and has SMS, and a ‘What you Want’ postcard con- full exam term programme; putting the final sities are adequately funded. looked to improve accessibility to teaching CUSU has looked sultation, CUSU continues to look for new preparations in place for Diablo ‘04, and Our Alternative White Paper con- materials by campaigning for lecture materi- at ‘the big issues’. ways to communicate and respond to your pressing for improvements in the lighting tributed to the national debate, whilst als to be placed online and lectures recorded. interests and concerns. around Parker’s Piece. but we’ve also Cambridge students were involved in action Most recently, CUSU’s Quality of Within these short-term goals, CUSU done much that ranging from marches in London and lob- Supervisions report, based on over 1,000 ehind the scenes the CUSU will continue to pressure for a central, acces- bying MPs in Parliament to candlelit vigils responses, has been collated and, over the touches on the Individual Student Support sible student union building which can add outside the Senate House. These actions next term, we are looking to act on its rec- day-to-day lives BService has continued to support to our current services provision. We have were crucial in informing the debate, and ommendations with support from the of students graduate and undergraduate students on already achieved a great deal, but there is resulted in a vital Government concession University and the Colleges. CUSU has fur- many different issues, ranging from exam still much to do before the current sabbati- that saw graduates’ debts wiped clean after thered links with the Colleges this year, appeals to accommodation to sexual health. cals hand-over to the new team. Not every- 25 years. leading to the acceptance of our proposals It is time-consuming work that is not often thing I’ve tried this year has worked, but in As the funding campaign has shown, for student representation on the Senior recognised, but it has continued to make a every case I’ve worked with students’ inter- equality of opportunity is a central principle Tutors’ Committee, and the Bursars’ huge difference to the students involved and ests at heart, and with the hope that when I for CUSU. We have continued to break new Committee for the first time in the 800-year remains a vital part of Union work. leave in July, things will be better than when ground with our access work, successes history of the University. In amongst all this, there has still been I started.

complained about the lack of a full be a fantastic resource for all students – Freshers’ Week, but we need to channel both undergraduates and postgraduates – our discontent in a constructive way to as a place to eat, drink and socialise, as an Wes actually instigate change. It is too late to ents venue and as a meeting place for campaign for a full Freshers’ Week for societies. the coming academic year, but in the Streeting long term there is a strong social and ut this can be no substitution for welfare case to make to the University new CUSU services and office and the colleges to allow Freshers to Baccommodation; the dingy THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ON HIS come into residence a week earlier. We offices on Trumpington Street are over- PRIORITIES IN OFFICE If CUSU is will make that case. crowded, unwelcoming and, most signif- going to make a In the short term, CUSU’s role needs icantly, inaccessible. It is simply unac- positive impact to be directed at supporting our college ceptable (and will soon be illegal) that uring the summer I take over the but rather seemed to me to sum up best next year it student unions with their Freshers’ Week the Students’ Union, student charity and reins as CUSU’s twentieth presi- the ideas that I have for CUSU next year. activities and overhauling our both the student newspapers are housed needs to mend dent. I’m looking forward to the It became clear to me before the elections University-wide Freshers’ Event. CUSU in a building that is inaccessible to stu- D fences with the challenges of the job, especially now that began that many students feel that has the potential to organise the dents with disabilities. my mates have stopped taking the piss CUSU has given too much attention to University. Freshers’ Event, but it needs to be cen- If CUSU is going to make a positive out of me for looking like a gimp on the the campaign against top-up fees, to the trally located, more mainstream, and impact next year it needs to mend fences front page of Varsity last term. detriment of its campaigns and services most importantly something that people with the University, in particular the Yet most of you won’t have voted for for students in the here and now. will want to go to year on year. It will also Vice-Chancellor. Behind the headlines me, won’t have been to hustings, won’t I don’t believe this is true, but it is clear be a great way to kick-start the exciting over top-up fees, the University has been plans we have for re-launching CUSU’s impressed by CUSU’s work ranging from club nights next year, so look out for that its Individual Student Support Service, after the summer. right through to its recent paper on the quality of supervisions. The Vice- New priorities, new upporting student activities is a Chancellor has recently begun a series of core part of CUSU’s work and consultations with student representa- Sone that needs developing. We tives across the University and this is need to develop our provision for soci- something we should welcome. The con- eties, but CUSU currently does very little structive dialogue in committees has seen focus: CUSU is coming to support sport in Cambridge, unlike success for CUSU and its members so other student unions up and down the far, but can become a really positive country. By working with the Hawks, wider debate if we engage with the Vice- Ospreys and other sporting clubs in Chancellor on issues ranging from fund- Cambridge, CUSU can help tackle a ing for access initiatives right through to back to Cambridge range of issues, such as the relentless the educational equality work that is decline in funding for sport across the being undertaken by CUSU’s Campaign University and colleges, improving sport- for Change. have read my manifesto and possibly that next year there needs to be a change ing facilities and advertising the range of There is much to look forward to next don’t even have a clue who I am. An of focus. My priority will be building the funds already available. year and much to be optimistic about. I indictment on CUSU’s proximity to its kind of students’ union that enables its CUSU suffers from the lack of a cen- know how people feel about CUSU and I membership? Yes. A reflection of its members to get the most out of their tral Union Building and this is some- know that it’s not often positive. It’s a potential to work for students? No. time here and actually listens to the con- thing that needs to be addressed. Thanks perennial problem. I will work to bring I ran for the CUSU presidency with cerns of everyday students. to Ben Brinded, undergraduates have, for CUSU’s focus closer to you. I hope you the aim of “bringing CUSU back to One of my first priorities will be the first time, trial membership of the will keep an open mind and meet me Cambridge”. It was no empty sound bite, Freshers’ Week. For too long we have University Centre, which has potential to some of the way.

/23/04/04/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out.With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. THEATRE FILM CLASSICAL LITERATURE VISUAL

Rubbernecking is a provocative This is the kind of slow-paced U.S Two concerts will be held this week- Poetry evening including readings Taking its inspiration from the new drama combining cowboys, indie which is currently enjoying end to herald the opening of Fitz's and projections. Rupert Mallin will slurred title-track of Iron Butterfly's tramps, Cambridge students, an overdue renaissance. Tom new auditorium featuring Anthony be reading from 'Rant Score - pave- bestselling LP of 1968, In-A-Gadda- housewives, little girls, poets and McCarthy’s Sundance-winning Rolfe Johnson performing ment poems' - a compelling por- Da-Vida is an equally distorted vi- a even a waitress - HATS invites The Station Agent tells the story of Schubert's Mass in G and a concert trait of England's most easterly sion of the Garden of Eden by three you to experience this inventive- a young man born with dwarfism performance of Dido and Aeneas seaside town literally gathered infamous contemporary artists. As piece of new writing. Homerton who inherits a disused train depot with accompaniment from the from reading the streets of with the old BritArt formula, you'll College Auditorium 23rd and 24th in rural New Jersey and all the Fitzwilliam String Quartet. Lowestoft. Poetry at the Scout Hut either love it or loathe it. friends he makes along the way. April 7.30pm £3 /£4 01223 332000 Tickets £5/10 Next Door 25th April, 7.30pm Tate Britain until 31st May Opens 23rd April, Arts Picture house

May Week Editorship Applications welcomed for the Deadline 15th May Editorial Team of our celebration May Week Review Edition.

This is a great opportunity to get some experience or come back to Varsity for one last crack of the whip.

Enthusiasm is far more important than experience

Contact Sam Gallagher for more details [email protected]

L2 LISTINGS 23 APRIL 04

Cambridge Dancers' Club: Salsa Crash Course. MISC St Paul's School, Coronation Street. MUSIC 7pm. £2.

Friday Cambridge Dancers' Club: Friday Cambridge Dancers' Club: Swing Dance Crash Course. Clare Ents; Def fly and real present: Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash St Columba's Hall, Downing Street. live UK hip hop from Phi life cypher Course. St Columba's Hall, Downing 7pm. £2. and Rawganics DJs. Clare College, Street. 7pm. £2. Clare cellars. 9pm. £4. Cambridge Dancers' Club: Saturday Offbeat Dance Class. CU TM Soc: Cambridge Dancers' Club: St Columba's Hall, Downing Street. Indian Classical Music; Kiranpla and Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash 9:15pm. £2. Davinder Singh, Santoor and tabla!. Course. St Paul's School, Coronation West Road Concert Hall, Indain snacks Street. 2pm. £2. Wednesday available!. 8pm. £5. Cambridge Dancers' Club: Ceilidh! from The Round: Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash Kettle's Yard: Traditional-ish dancing to live music. Course. St Columba's Hall, Downing Lunch time concert, lasting approx 40 Beginners welcome, no partner need- Street. 9pm. £2. mins. Kettle's Yard, 1:10pm. ed. Parkside Community College, Parker's Piece. 8pm. £Students £3. Cambridge Dancers' Club: Saturday Salsa Crash Course. St Paul's School, CU TM Soc: Kathara Biospiritual Healing System Coronation Street. Indian Classical Music; Kiranpla and INTRO Workshop: 7pm. £2. Davinder Singh, Santoor and tabla!. For FREE information pack call 01223- West Road Concert Hall, Indain snacks 700864. Kaetsu Educational & Cultural Thursday available!. 8pm. £5. Centre, 10am. £35. Visual Arts Soc: Helaine Blumenfeld, Latimer Rooms, Fitzwilliam College Music Society: The Pembroke College Winnie-The- Clare College, 9pm AUDITORIUM OPENING CONCERT Pooh Society: 1: Fitzwilliam String Quartet & guests. Where minutes get taken and hours Fitzwilliam College, Fitzwilliam Cambridge Dancers' Club: Tuesday Jesus College Music Society: are lost. Jesus College, M5a, Second Authentic Rock and Roll Dancing Auditorium. 8pm. £10/5. Claire Martin: Philippa Boyle sings Parry, Britten, Court. 4pm. Crash Course. St Paul's School, Serenity Concert: One of Britain's finest female Jazz Nicholas Moor and Graham Ross. Coronation Street. 7pm. £2. Jesus College Chapel, 9pm. Monday Featuring harpist Rohan Platts, and Vocalists. Mumford Theatre, Anglia, East Road. Box Office: 01223 352932. Cambridge Dancers' Club: Culanu: new pieces by Yen-Lee Loh. 7:30pm. £12.00 (£10.00 concessions). Thursday Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash Lunch & Learn: Come feast on beigels, Newnham College, Clough Hall. 8pm. Course. St Paul's School, Coronation hummous and gems of Hebraic wis- Bad Timing: CU TM Soc: Street. 7:30pm. £2. dom!. King's College, The Chetwynd Sunday Leafcutter John (Planet Mu): Indian Classical Music; Kiranpla and Room. 1pm. CU TM Soc: The Portland, Mitcham's Corner. Davinder Singh, Santoor and tabla!. Culanu: Indian Classical Music; Kiranpla and 8:30pm. £5.00/4.00 concs. West Road Concert Hall, Indain snacks YOM HA'ATZMAUT PARTY! The Kick Bo: Davinder Singh, Santoor and tabla!. available!. 8pm. £5. Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge St, between Non-contact aerobics using kicking West Road Concert Hall, Indain snacks Friday Oxfam and The Galleria. 8pm. and punching moves of Martial-Arts available!. 8pm. £5. APU: (tcl25). New Hall, Long Room. 7pm. £2. Wednesday Chris Ingham Jazz Trio. Tuesday Fitzwilliam College Music Society: CU TM Soc: Mumford Theatre, Anglia, 1:10pm. Indian Classical Music; Kiranpla and Cambridge Dancers' Club: Friday AUDITORIUM OPENING CONCERT Davinder Singh, Santoor and tabla!. Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash Cambridge Dancers' Club: 2: Fitzwilliam String Quartet & guests. Cambridge Gamelan Society: West Road Concert Hall, Indain snacks Course. St Matthew's School, Broad Ballroom and Latin Dancing Crash Fitzwilliam College, Fitzwilliam Traditional gamelan music and dance available!. 8pm. £5. Street. 7pm. £2. Course. St Columba's Hall, Downing Auditorium. 8pm. £10/5. from Java. West Road Concert Hall, Street. 7pm. £2. Monday Faculty of Music. 7:30pm. £4.

Clare ents: Fat poppadaddys party hosted by the The Visual Arts Scoiety Fez boys. Clare College, Clare cellars. 9pm. £4/3. Invites applications for a committee for the year 2004/5

Posts: Secretary TALK Publicity Treasurer Tuesday Development and Sponsorship Clio - The Cambridge University Communications History Society: Website Manager Professor Francesca Loetz (Zurich General Member University) 'How to do things with God? Blasphemy in early-modern All members will be responsible for Europe'. inviting and meeting speakers Emmanuel College, The Old Library. Please email [email protected] 8:15pm. £1 for non-members, free outlining your suitability for members.

Thursday Kettle's Yard: William Congdon, Sebastiano May Week Staff Required Barassi - lasting approx 30 mins. Kettle's Yard, 1:10pm. We require hard-working conscientious students to help during our busy May Week programme. Visual Arts Society: Work involves numbering, mounting and fram- Artist Helaine Blumenfeld speaks ing photos, assisting with May Balls and about her work. All welcome. Clare College, Latimer Room. distribution of photographs. 9pm. £3. Evening/night work at our studio £7.00 per hour Day work £6.00 per hour For more Please contact [email protected] stating your availability and contact phone number. listings visit www.varsity.co.uk 23 APRIL 04 LISTINGS L3 Special offer with this cut-out THEATRE

Friday Amateur Dramatics Club: Hedda Gabler, April 27-May 1. The Octagon, St. Chads, . 7:45pm. £5.

HATS - Homerton Amateur Theatre Society: Cowboys, poets, tramps and house- wives - devised/new writing extrava- ganza experience!. Homerton College, Auditorium, Mary Allan Building. 7:30pm. £3/4. SUMMER JOBS ON Homerton Amateur Theatrical Society (hatsdrama.co.uk): THE MED RUBBERNECKING - brand new drama devised by 7 actors. Homerton College, Auditorium. Discover the easy way of getting a 7:30pm. £3-4. summer job in the most Saturday popular locations on the MED. HATS - Homerton Amateur Theatre We handle the hassle of looking Society: Cowboys, poets, tramps and house- for your ideal job. wives - devised/new writing extrava- Visit and apply now at ganza experience!. Homerton College, Auditorium, Mary www.jobsonthemed.com Allan Building. 7:30pm. £3/4.

Homerton Amateur Theatrical Society (hatsdrama.co.uk): In London next year? RUBBERNECKING - brand new drama devised by 7 actors. Homerton College, Auditorium. Soon-to-be grad seeks others for flat 7:30pm. £3-4. share in central London from late Friday Framed Theatre: September. Iniquitous - dark comedy exploring the understanding of mental illness. Mumford Theatre, Anglia, East Road. Box Office: 01223 352932. Contact Tom (teg26) 7:30pm. £9.50 (£8.00 concessions).

ITALIAN Great tasting, great value RESTAURANT MEZE HOUSE pizza for Party bookings up to 50 available delivery Downstairs Cocktail Bar 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT and collection 17 Hills Road, Cambridge 01223 566900 DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW

REVIEW OF THE YEAR CATCH IT NEXT WEEK

To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk THEATRE ADVERTS AND AUDITIONS

Actors, Dancers, Singers, Acrobats, The Uncertainty Division EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2004 Jesus College Drama Musicians, Artists, Cooks! Greenworld Production announces Announces open auditions for its Solve your accommodation problems by calling Carole Society auditions for Edinburgh and summer tour show, Smith/ Anne Goring Announces The Greenworld Musical An Extremely Memorable Emergency. at Cabaret Voltaire Experience with narrative on 01620 810620 Auditions for Edinburgh Festival 2004 improvisation and puppetry an advantage but not essential. email address: [email protected] 12- 4 Sat 24th 1 - 5 Sun 25th Sun 25th April, 2-5pm, or write to School of Pythagoras, St John's. On Fitzpatrick Stage, Queens’ Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages, The Zoo Story For further information, email We are looking for talented friendly people [email protected] By Edward Albee with diverse skills to form close-knit cast. Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE Also seeking producer (+ assistant), visual arts director, costume + make up people, TD Two male actors needed for this one-act tragi- The Fletcher Players, Corpus Christi comedy about human Announces College and the Cambridge Arts Theatre connection. Auditions are Auditions invite applications to: in N4, Jesus College, on FOR Saturday and Sunday the Mayweek Garden Show 24th and 25th from 2 - Direct / Produce 6pm. Questions Email Grimm Tales Clare Actors by at the Corpus Playroom Rebecca (rml33) Carol Ann Duffy Announces Auditions for their Mayweek Show Michaelmas Term 2004 Auditions to be held Saturday “Sweet Corn Under Water” 24th April 12-4pm, Upper Hall, and Sunday 25th 1-5pm in Saturday 24th and Sunday Application forms available now from Queen’s Theatre, Emmanuel College 25th 1:00 - 6:00pm Corpus Prter’s Lodge Any queries email Sophie (sarm2) Clare Cellars Contact eje25 for more info Deadline: 12 noon on 8th June

All applicants and players welcome. The Dryden Society presents its exciting and unusual May Contact Sarah (sc399) with any questions Week Show to be performed in Trinity Fellows Garden…

‘DRACULA’ BATS Announces Auditions for by Bram Stoker, adapted by Luke Pebody their Mayweek show, AUDITIONS THIS WEEKEND The Ariel Society Shakespeare’s ‘The meery Wives (Wolfson Party Room, Trinity College) All’s Well That Ends Well By William Shakespeare of Windsor’. Fri 23rd April 1.00-5.30 Sat 24th April 12.00-6.30 To be performed at the Edinburgh fringe Sat 24th 12- 4, Sun 25th April 12.00-4.30 9th–21st August, Rocket Venues Angevin Room, Queens’. Contact: Claire cla31(producer) th All welcome. For more details Auditions: 2pm-5pm, Sat 24 April @ School of Pythagoras (St. Johns) Luke ltp1000(director ) contact Keir on kas44 or email Duncan, dwab3

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PAGE FOURTEEN www.varsity.co.uk Apr 23, 2004 13 Exam Guide For the Totally Horror Scopes and Utterly Unprepared What’s your subject-sign The Page Fourteen Survival Manual

You’ve done no revision, and sudden- time dilation” . “Yeah. But if I am, last week and you have photos to prove ly that comfortable two weeks you’d what are you?” it. 6. Send round an email to your sub- set aside to revise your entire course ject year group informing them that has gone. In fact, ‘vising’ might have 3. Cause as much disruption to the time and venue for the exam has be a more appropriate word since you those around you as possible. been changed. Simple but effective. hadn’t done any of it in the first place. You’ve blagged your supervisors all If you’re not getting any marks, then 7. Complement the examiner’s year (I swear I handed it in – you must sure as hell no-one else is. Remember, questions have lost it); they think your comput- every mark everyone else loses makes er has all the stability of Stephen your mark better on average. Possible “Can there ever be a peaceful revolu- Hawking after ten pints - what with tactics include: asking for so much tion?” all the essays it’s lost. Now it’s crunch extra paper there’s none for anyone “That is such a great question. time. But never fear. As ever, Page else, flicking bits of rubber at everyone, Makes you think doesn’t it? Gosh

Fourteen is here to help and this is humming incessently – think infant you’re so clever. Your work generally A Pic Select P your guide to getting out of jail… school. is so underrated – you should be Big fat Uncle Russell predicts your future famous. I’d probably like you to have 1. Stay calm. 4. Demonstrate your general knowl- my children.” Land Economy avoid talking out of it for any con- edge around the question: siderable length of time until Positive thinking will get you a long 8. Bring in a snake hidden under Time will be an issue this week Sunday when Mars regains its dom- way. Have a few pints before. Hell, “Describe the fragile coastal environ- your jumper. with almost half an essay due in by ination of the chocolate machine. you’re gonna be in there for 3 hours ments that shingle beaches host” the beginning of 2005, try to organ- Although the foremost premise of with nothing to do – you may as well “Did you know that shingle is the Let it loose. Hey presto, exam aban- ise it well or you may end up with the ninth seminal work essentially be hammered for it. only anagram of English? Yes - I was doned, firsts all round. too much to cope with. You may manages to juxtapose the savage as surprised as you. Incredible, isn’t it? wish to further your skills over the unreality of gritty reality with the 2.Try answering questions with a 9. Make a mental note of the guy summer period; perhaps taking a job gritty reality of unreality, what question. 5. Blackmail your way to a starred (or gal) who starts the exam - in a well-known fast food restaurant occurs is nothing more than an first. they’re the chief examiner for the will stretch your creativity. Beware absolute stream of meaninglessness- Think back to junior school - out- paper. of small kittens falling asleep in your nessness. fox the examiners: Call over the examiner during the tractor. Also try to avoid the urge to “Describe Einstein’s postulates of spe- exam. Whisper quietly in their ear that Wait ‘til they walk near you and kick seven bells out of an unsuspect- SPS cial relativity and the phenomenon of you saw them fornicating with a horse show a bit of leg (ladies), ripple those ing horoscope writer on completing With Mercury suggesting that pecs (guys), pout seductively (ladies), this sentence. Tame your anger and exams loom about to rudely disrupt waft that aftershave (guys). Then wait all will be fine. a hectic social calendar, it may be til the end, take things on further and important to arise a little earlier sleep your way to a degree. Be careful Compsci than normal. The stars recommend though – if they’re old the excitement The summer can be a difficult lunchtime starts for those of you might kill em and then you’ve got a time for compscis, especially those who are finalists and unlucky murder charge as well as a big fat fail. of pale complexion. It may be wise enough to be sitting three SPS to start burrowing a labyrinth of quizzes this year, although for the 10. Arrive early to your exam. tunnels before the sun reaches its rest of you mid afternoon should full strength in order to avoid gain- suffice. Make sure you counteract Find your seat. Take the cover sheet ing any vitamin D whatsoever. the pressures of study with plenty of from the person next to you and put Tracking down your sun-sign has R and R. some thin sellotape over the space sadly proved to be impossible where you write your exam entry although Unreal Tournament may Boatie number. Sit back smugly and do offer some solace during those long With the arrival of the equinox, nothing for three hours. Wait for your summer nights! early mornings are not as wet, dark neighbour to leave, remove the sell- and miserable as once they were. otape and write in your number. Job’s Translation: 11000011 11010100 Planetary positions mean bugger all, a goodun. NB. Make sure you’re not 10010010 10101010 10010000 obviously, but we’ll make something sitting next to anyone worse than you. 11111001 11101000 11100111 up anyway. Erm…May (or is it 10011010 11111000 01110000 June?) looks set to be a busy month, 10100111 10001011 00110011 some of you may suffer setbacks, but Note: Page Fourteen is not responsi- 00111000 10110100! for others among you, Venus sug- ble for anyone who attempts to use gests you could be moving up in the A Pic Select P these suggestions. Though we would Thesp world. Try to indulge in other inter- “I was like, no way, and he was like, for real, and I was like, Oh my God, be flattered. Uranus is in a weak astrological ests for once, you know it makes and he was like way...” position at the moment, so try to sense.

We can’t think of a headline for chive arsity Ar this article - Let us know if you V think of one. Cheers.

Cambridge students have yet again heard causing disruption to literally There’s bugger all to complain about. gone on a protest making the entire four shoppers. CUSU plans to intro- Bring back David Mellor - at least area just between Boots and Lions duce a new sabbatical position for he was entertaining. And Scargill. Yard totally inaccessible for a whole the organisation of marches in the Come on people - give us something 15 minutes early on Monday morn- hope that by 2009 there will be at to work with here!” ing. It is thought the lack of current least one a week, Page Fourteen can The plans for this weeks march, protest-worthy issues sparked the exclusively reveal. hastily written on the back of a beer pathetic demonstration. A Spokesman for the Protesters mat stolen in a fit of drunken hilari- Such powerful chants as “What do spake thus, “These are dark days for ty from The Eagle, are to be mount- we want? Something to get angry student politics. Back in the 70s we ed and framed to take pride of place about! When do we want it? Now! had the union strikes. In the 80s we in the CUSU offices as a reminder of How long will it last? Until some- had ‘Thatcher the Milk Snatcher’ to Monday’s historic event. The trial thing else comes along!” and “Fight get angry about. What have we got continues. Probably. for your right to fight, right?” were now? All the politicians are dull. Trinity College suffered heavy losses during the miners’ strike

FASHION 14 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

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Trainers - smeakers - pumps - crepps...Whatever you call them it’s all about rocking the freshes flyest footwear you can. Find limited edition pairs on eBay and at www.crookedtongue.com or rummage through the stock of the local sports shops.You can’t go wrong with Nike period. Sweat shop chic is a wonderful wonderful thing.

23.04.04 varsityarts

Lydia Wilson pointless mental gymnastics. Summersaults are principles, agreeing is just an easy nod of the ar is VarsityArts’ theme of the week. I just no good; we need to practice some contact head. You might hate it or you might love it, tried to make light of the concepts sports. but at least you wouldn’t feel like you were in Wbehind it but I feel a little under- The problem with Cambridge is that it’s no some dazed trance for three years, avoiding qualified. To summarise the conclusion I came one’s real home. It’s a picturesque place where social problems in hermetic colleges. I don’t to: war is absurd. It follows then that any article you get dragged on a day trip from school when advocate an all out war Hutu and Tootsies THIS on war will be more absurd, because it is by pla- you are 8, see a few old buildings, get bored, style, just a feeling of truth to yourself. Screw tonic argument, twice removed from the reality have a tantrum and climb back onto the same the college ethos. Keep your own. of war; and can therefore only scratch at the sur- musty coach. It’s not somewhere where you face of things. I stopped writing my philosoph- fight out a little social Darwinism. Survival of The VarsityArts Guide To War ical discourse on war and was more inspired by the fittest seems like a distant idea. The only MEANS my homesickness for a little bit of conflict. battles here take place in the libraries, and for 1. Dr Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Conflict is the genesis of much great art and the most part touch on some darker part of Worrying and Love the Bomb by Terry it’s something we don’t see enough of in quiet academia, totally removed from life’s more Southern. Cambridge. It’s what makes London so much actual needs and instincts. No one is prepared 2. Vietnam War Films - The Deerhunter, Full cooler - that much more edgy and with an ele- to fight for their background, home, family or Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now. ment of culture that is a little bit more relevant ideas because we are, generally, separated from 3. Blackadder Goes Forth. than punting tours down the Cam. A conflict them by distance. And more importantly a 4. I Like A Man in Uniform - Gang of Four, calls for the most primitive elements in us: a wish to conform. It is so much easier to blend Fighter - Christina Aguilera. WAR sense of loyalty, belonging and pride. You in to the college ethos, hang out in the alien 5. War! What is it good for ? Absolutely might feel attached to your college, wear the drinking societies and play all the Cambridge Nothing! - Edwin Starr. scarf, run about playing fields in their kit. You games for three years as though there was 6. M.A.S.H. may even engage in some futile banter about nothing more natural to do. People quickly for- 7. Phil Silvers as Sgt Bilko. why all other colleges suck and why yours is get who they are, because they don’t have to be 8. The Unknown Soldier - Rupert Brooke, just so great. You know who you are and anyone in particular, and this is why we need Strange Meeting - Wilfred Owen. frankly, getting pooled to a college doesn’t just a little bit of opposition, a little bit of 9. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller. mean much in terms of solidarity. We are only thought provoking difficulty. 10. Guernica - Pablo Picasso. here for a little academia, and apart from a few Cambridge breeds bland apathy and conflict 11. Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Isabela Chick solitary figures, run back to somewhere a little destroys it. An argument at least can make you more dynamic the minute we finish with the remember that you are alive and that you have (List compiled by Ellen E. Jones)

Music Theatre Literature

Pop Wars Staged Battle Pen vs Sword Page 20 Page 19 Page 16

FILM 16 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk The Gospel according to Gibson Edward Morgan wonders whether the tail will wag the dog

ne thing that could not be of the events of which the gospels an occasion for the healing of some of lence could provide the possibility of Some years ago, Hollywood director said about Mel Gibson’s lat- speak. Although not all would agree, the historical wounds of this part of its naming and confrontation. All Barry Levinson produced the memo- Oest contribution to culture: Roman Catholic audiences in particu- the Christian tradition. Carefully hinges on the pastoral management of rable Wag the Dog, a parable of the "the The Passion of the Christ, is that it is lar have tended to view the film with managed, a meditation on human vio- the film’s wider reception. blurred lines between politics, the not being talked about. What could sympathetic eyes, as it quite self-con- media, and show business." Robert De fairly be said about it, though, is that sciously situates itself in the tradition Niro as spin-doctor extraordinaire it is principally a media phenome- of meditation on the suffering of invents a war, misleads the public, and non. Christ that Catholics refer to as the plays politics using the media as his From its outset, the film was "Stations of the Cross". vocal chords. Mel Gibson has, with bathed in publicity, not least in virtue But what is most notable about the this film, captured the public imagina- of its treatment of a difficult topic. film is the extent to which it has cap- tion and taken centre stage with his Its pre-release hype tended to focus rendering of the suffering of Christ. largely on its reported anti-Semitism. Gibson has cap- The test of how far we, as public, will These charges have not abated with ourselves be "wagged" by Mel Gibson’s the film’s release. They have at best tured the public’s film will be how we choose to respond been modified. The criticism now to it. Will it be, as many have feared, tends to centre around Gibson’s por- imagination the perpetuation of a sadomasochistic trayal of the Jewish religious authori- and anti-Semitic vision of the events ties rather than the Jewish people as tured public imagination and pro- of Christ’s death? Or will it be, as a whole, of whom the chief protago- voked discussion of a topic not usual- more positively might be the case, an nist is one of several that the film ly at the forefront of the media’s dis- occasion for reflection on the meaning portrays in sympathetic terms. course – religion and religion’s claims. of human suffering? Perhaps it will

Other responses to the film have This can function for bad or good. .papicselect.com simply ask us how far we are willing to been more accommodating. Especially The mere raising of the history of be led by an account that, while visual-

amongst Christian audiences, the view anti-Semitism is bound to create www ly powerful, it is nevertheless still just has tended to be that the film depicts unease in any contemporary mind. that – an interpretation. Let the in a very powerful fashion the ‘reality’ But at a positive level, it could provide reflective viewer decide. Captured on camera Oliver Tilley is captured by a debut documentary with a difference

Capturing the Friedmans elled at the father Arnold and his justice in so artful a fashion. ticality and delicacy, refusing to atten- Moreover, the movie works as an Released April 9th youngest son Jesse). Jarecki is thus able The paedophilia in the film, poten- uate the issue into vapidity while sim- almost autonomous dissection of the to unfold with adroit pace and elegant tially off-putting to a prospective audi- ilarly side-stepping the overblown disintegration of a family and the narrative structure what soon reveals ence, is handled with consistent prac- hysteria which often surrounds it. strain exerted by the court-case is res- itself to be a saga, ambiguous and onant, laid bare by the acutely reveal- apturing the Friedmans is a ambivalent beyond even its conclu- ing home-video, unflinchingly pres- debut movie from director sion. ent. We get to view the power and CAndrew Jarecki, nevertheless, Indeed, it is at once a detective case, gender relations laid bare and raw by he has managed to craft a masterful a scrutiny of judicial procedure and an such a trauma, with gangs and acrimo- work of balanced documentary film- (always sober) exploration of pae- ny splintering the family. making, flowering far beyond its dophilia and the horrors therein. The Technically and structurally it is generic boundaries. viewer is, essentially, asked to adopt smooth and ingenious: Jarecki fashions The film charts the fraught history the role of judge and jury, being pre- the film in the best traditions of novel- of the eponymous ‘Friedmans’, a fami- sented with often contradictory and istic yarns, manipulating the sequence ly embroiled in appalling child invariably fuzzy testimony. It is this of his footage astutely, so that it feels molestation charges of a frightful vol- intense subjectivity which provokes snake-like with dénouement after ume. Jarecki then intersects home fascinating considerations of police dénouement and a procession of twists video footage taken by the family procedure (in their questionable han- and turns.

themselves (self-confessed movie nuts dling of the witnesses in this case), the .image.net Indeed, Capturing the Friedmans as they are) with subsequent interview fidelity of memory, the potential of functions, fundamentally, as an excit-

material of all the living and / or will- mendacity and so on: indeed, not since www ing plot: that it achieves such profun- ing members of the family, centring Twelve Angry Men has a film raised dity and political sophistication out- upon these proffered accusations (lev- such pertinent questions of criminal side of this is exceptional. War College film of the week What is it good for? Simon Collins recalls a modern masterwork

emento is, quite simply, and the resulting brain damage those people he meets – how can he You know when your sitting next to the patriot pound (and now the god stunning. Anyone who’s leaves him incapable of creating new be sure whether they’re friend or foe? a 'bloke' whose enjoying the film dollar) with his 'interpretation' of Mseen it will remember it memories: after just a few minutes, – and even himself. that little bit too much? Poised for the American War of Independence immediately for the style and the any new experiences or events fade But what makes this film so spe- action, the blond bombshell, with in The Patriot. This included the editing, for the originality, as well away and his last memory is of his cial is the way it is told: the scenes rain drops falling through the jun- portrayal of limies as child burners, as for the sheer confusion they must wife lying on the bathroom floor, play out in reverse chronological gle canopy - covered in rain and French men as poofs (who like to have experienced. Admittedly it’s dying. order, and from different points of sweat, a streak mud stylish marking dress well before battle) and the war not the best film to watch half- view, while the editing is so complex one check with convenient rip itself as a fight against slavery. It heartedly. In fact, multiple view- The viewer is left that the viewer is left dazed and across her top exposing a tit and was so hideously perverse that it ings are essential. befuddled, unable to distinguish fact maybe a nipple - ratings permitting. even got American historians in a Only the second film from dazed and from fiction, and unsure of exactly This the result of the fact that war flap, let alone Radio Four Britain. Christopher Nolan (who has since what is going on. films are action films disguised as War films are unique in that they directed the remake of Insomnia) and befuddled To some, the prospect of going to history, and history's boring. The exploit the violence and death based on a story written by his a cinema expecting to be bewildered initial solution was to tell a good inflicted on real people, twist it, brother, Memento appears to be a To aid himself in his quest for isn’t all that appealing; but it is most story and successfully produced clas- glamorise it, sell it and then claim typical film-noir thriller. revenge, he devises a method of tak- definitely worth it. Memento is a sics such as Zulu, but Hollywood the moral high ground. Gibson has The central character, Leonard ing Polaroids and writing notes to modern masterpiece and one of the realised that the best stories aren't yet to give up on it. (played by Guy Pearce) is trying to himself, and even tattooing his body greatest films that will ever be made. 'good' but emotional and patriotic. track down the man who raped and with clues; but this is far from Mel Gibson attempted to snatch By Rupert Russell murdered his wife, but, during the straight-forward: these scraps of evi- Memento is showing at Christ’s on attack, Leonard himself is injured dence are open to manipulation by Sunday 25th April at 8pm and 10pm.

CLASSICAL www.varsity.co.uk April 23, 2004 17 New concert venue Fitz the bill James Crawford has your weekend sorted... omething big is happening on sive and energetic of his quartets, yet the role of Dido, a role with which the Hill. After years of building with the most amazing stillness and she is very familiar and which she Sworks, Fitzwilliam College delicacy and extraordinary textures.” enjoys greatly. Kathryn Zerk will play David Knight proudly presents its new Auditorium. The same concert will see world Belinda, with a host of students tak- Or at least it will, once all the builders premières of three pieces specially ing on the smaller roles. get out of the way. Such an event war- commissioned for the occasion. John The Quartet are particularly looking rants celebration, and to mark the Turner, himself a Fitzwilliam law forward to this performance, having occasion, Fitz has assembled a week- graduate, will play works by Fitz played the work often in the past, even end of concerts with a healthy balance alumni Andy Price and Nicholas creating a concert suite from the instru- of student musicians and big names Marshall for recorder and string mental passages. However, they have including Anthony Rolfe Johnson quartet. Marshall’s Garden of Eden always wanted to direct their own pro- and the Fitzwilliam String Quartet. Suite is a light-hearted interpretation duction of Dido: a concept welcomed by Schubert’s Mass in G major, which of the story of Adam and Eve, even the students, who will no doubt appre- the Chapel Choir recently took on featuring imitations of wolf whistles, ciate the stylistically thorough approach tour to Rome, will open Saturday while Price’s Tudor Steps is based on of a professional quartet. night’s concert, and taking centre stage the music he wrote for David The Quartet have performed Bach’s as soloists are Anthony Rolfe Johnson Starkey’s television series Elizabeth, Brandenburg Concerti 2, 3 and 4 in and his daughter Elinor (a Fitz stu- and is “very lush and really evocative collaboration with Fitz students in the dent), as well as Director of Music of that time,” according to first violin last two years, but Sunday night’s per- Peter Tregear. Father and daughter Lucy Russell. formance of Brandenburg Concerto no. will sing together in concert for the 5 features the eagerly anticipated first time and are particularly looking appearance of Peter Tregear on flauto forward to the Agnus Dei, a duet with The Fitz Quartet concertante. Peter Tregear is a choir which, said Elinor, “sends a thrill Melbourne-trained ex-professional right through you.” should thrill us with flautist who now masquerades as an The Fitzwilliam String Quartet are Shostakovich 5: “one academic - his return to the flute could no strangers to the Mass, nor to either prove the highlight of the evening! of the Rolfe Johnsons - they currently of the very best.” coach Elinor’s NewFitz String he ambitious programme for Quartet and have performed Bach’s St the weekend comes to an end Matthew Passion with Anthony - but Not content with a single concert, Twith a performance of John Fiddling the payroll they are by no means present purely to Fitzwilliam have seen fit to produce Blow’s magnificent anthem, God Spake play second fiddle and, true to form, another on Sunday, which will feature Sometime in Visions by the Quartet and should thrill the audience with a work by another of the Quartet’s chamber choir. A mixture of profession- Shostakovich’s Quartet no. 5. This favourite composers, Henry Purcell. als with students, baroque with modern law suit in Germany is threat- a place in a first violin section it is a work has not yet been performed by Dido and Aeneas will be performed in and instrumental with choral, this week- ening to shatter the accepted tremendous compliment about your the current members of the Quartet, concert with Sally Bradshaw - a ver- end has something for everybody, and if Aconventions of orchestral hier- playing. It is an honour to be given a but Alan George (viola) considers it to satile soprano who has previously you only venture up the Hill once before archies. It has come to the media’s place in a first violin section. Being a be “one of the very best: the biggest, worked with Mike Oldfield and te you graduate, I can think of no better attention that sixteen violinists from second violinist requires a special sort of most symphonic, loudest, most aggres- Pet Shop Boys among others - taking occasion than this. Bonn’s Beethoven Orchestra are player because much of the writing is suing for higher wages because they for the lower two strings which causes feel that they play more notes than more of a strain on the arm. However, their colleagues in the woodwind, this is the reality of orchestral playing brass and percussion sections. and when you get into an orchestra you Should they succeed orchestras know what to expect. across the world could erupt into civil Reviews warfare, with double bassists demand- Bob Bird ing more money to nurse fingers sore Rank-and-file 1st Violin, BBC Juliet Roberts – Beneath the Surface from excessive plucking or the back National Orchestra of Wales. Dune desks of the strings calling for a sham- Artists shouldn’t really worry about Ciaran Jenkins poo allowance to wash the spit, shot at money, but when you are bashing This is an album to remind you just how rich the female voice can be. Juliet them from the bells of wind instru- through a Haydn symphony and look Roberts sings like melted chocolate, and the addictive quality of her voice is ments, out of their hair. Nobody up to see the trumpeter reading his superbly complimented by an all-star backing group. Courtney Pine and Denys doubts that violinists inevitably play newspaper it does make you think. Baptiste weave timelessly around Roberts’s solos, and contribute to a corporate more notes than the rest of the orches- Being a first violinist is physically sound which is smooth but with an edge like the olive in your martini. Despite tra, but should they really be paid more, demanding, there is no rest in most of the slickness of this outfit there is an energy bubbling beneath the surface which or is this simply the reality of their job? the pieces we play. In real terms we cannot be suppressed. This is a sophisticated offering that should sit proudly Varsity asked a number of professional play more notes than much of the on any cd rack. musicians for their opinion… wind and brass and that means more rehearsals. They have more exposed Gareth Jones parts but they also get paid more. I The HomeMade Orchestra – Inside Covers Conductor of WNO and Sinfonia think we should perhaps be paid for Basho Music Cymru, currently conducting The the extra rehearsal time we put in. If I Ciaran Jenkins Mikado for ENO. was the judge in this case I would This offering from the HomeMade orchestra is an ecclectic collection of jazzy In a sense I can empathise with their advise the orchestra’s directors to give arrangements. The songs range from George Michael’s Careless Whisper to case. The first violins have exceptionally the appropriate musicians subsidies Who Will Buy? from Oliver, and all are subjected to zany idyosyncratic interpre- difficult parts in some symphonies but according to the nature of the pro- tations. The accoustic approach of the Homemade, featuring strings and percus- they always have security in numbers. In gramme being performed. sion, often provides fresh colours for these popular numbers. Should you have a Shostakovich’s ‘Leningrad’ Symphony particular attachment to the original version of these tracks you may be shocked the bass clarinet plays only occasionally, Brass section principal, wishes to by some of the unconventional treatment of them on this album. The however, for one or two minutes the remain anonymous. Homemade’s strains to revitalise these famous songs is sometimes transparent, entire work hinges upon a solo on this I wouldn’t give them any more and too often one longs to simply sit back and enjoy the original. notoriously difficult and unpredictable money. If you are a wind or brass play- instrument. The exposed nature of er you are putting your head on the Branco Stoysin Trio – Heart is the Bridge instruments such as this is worthy of block for every single note. I have Sun Recordings recognition. We have to accept that the known rank-and-file string players not Edd Pickard nature of what we do as musicians can’t to play difficult passages because they Enjoyment and warmth suffuse this album from beginning to end. Stoysin be brought into line with other places of can hide within their section. If the vio- promises ‘music which will warm your heart like the spring sunshine’ on the back work, it’s a different commodity. lins have more notes in a classical sym- cover, and he does not fail to deliver: this is perfect summer term music. The phony then we have the pressure of album is largely composed of originals, and the desire to embrace many styles is Keith Hewitt counting the bars rest, they should not evident here. We are treated to smooth, laid-back chill on Jobin’s Look to the Sky, Associate-Principal Cello BBC be paid more because we also have to an engaging and thought-provoking version of Monk’s Round Midnight and National Orchestra of Wales. concentrate for the duration of the exciting, fast Latin rhythms on Booth’s Salude. Stoysin is a wonderfully lyric gui- Within the string section the first piece. There is an opportunity for string tarist, who improvises beautifully whilst avoiding redundant notes; his ability to violins have the hardest part, but it is players to earn more if they get a seat at throw in harmonics in the middle of solos reminding me of Jason Carter’s play- also the most interesting. As a cellist I the front of the section. Perhaps a solu- ing. He is admirably supported by a tight rhythm section consisting of Leslee enjoy seeing how our line fits into the tion would be to pay the people at the Booth on six-string contra bass and Paul Canton on drums. Overall the energy orchestral sound, but I’d prefer to play front less and divide the extra money and the inventiveness of this CD makes it a pleasure to listen to – a real treat for the tune more often. I take an old- between the rank-and-file players. the summer. fashioned view on this. If you are given Ciaran Jenkins

THEATRE 18 April 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Helen - On Writing Whitening Chris Adams talks to Helen Oyeyemi about her new play

ambridge undergraduate, Oyeyemi’s own experiences with the She says that the sheer speed that y Helen Oyeyemi hit the head- people around her. In fact, the tale of Juniper’s Whitening flowed onto the page Clines earlier this year when her anxiety, paranoia and resurrection was made it feel as if she wasn’t really the one first novel, The Icarus Girl, was never originally meant for the stage. writing the play. Oyeyemi cites one of snapped up by publishing house “Before I started The Icarus Girl, I was her main influences as one of the first Bloomsbury for a reported £400,000 obsessed for years with a little girl who plays she ever read: The Gods Are Not To advance, a figure later reported to be couldn't seem to help but do her friends Blame by Ola Rotimi, which relocates exaggerated. harm, and I ended up basing the story the Oedipus story to a Nigerian tribal Now, a few months later, the tumult around her. It's a pretty similar thing village. “It was the first play that actually of publicity surrounding Helen, a first with the play - for about six months electrified me,” she says, mentioning that Mark Pringle/Bloomsbur year SPS student at Corpus, has died before I finally got the play written, I'd she’s drawn by the universality of such down. But, not content with causing just been attempting a short story over and tales. “Themes that could occur any- one stir in the literary world, Oyeyemi is where - that don't depend on a particu- back with a self-penned play, Juniper’s “it flowed in a lar context in space or time - always Whitening, which is being staged for the seem to be the basis of a lot of the plays first time next week at the Corpus scary way” that get you thinking.” Playroom, Cambridge’s own intimate So, does Helen intend to make use of student theatre venue. “It’s about three over again about three people who her newfound playwriting ability? “I people, Aleph, Beth, and Juniper, who shared a kind of nightmare house and don't think I'd make sense as a play- live in a house and just can't work out couldn't get away from each other, even wright. I find just settling for dialogue how they feel about each other,” by dying.” In the run-up to arriving in very, very difficult - I'm always tempted Oyeyemi tells me. Sounds a bit Big Cambridge, Oyeyemi read about The to describe looks, expressions, atmos- Brother, I ponder suspiciously. But Helen Fletcher Players, her college’s drama pheres, and it's so difficult to get that soon puts me right – all is not what it society, who operate the Playroom, an across in a play text.” For now, though, seems in the house of Juniper. “Quite a acclaimed studio space attached to she needn’t worry. After The Times lot's going on in that Aleph keeps on Cambridge Arts Theatre. Oyeyemi slipped in a mention of Oyeyemi’s cur- killing Beth, Beth keeps coming back - decided to transform her difficult short rent project, the playscript was snapped to her own disappointment - and story into a piece of drama – and it up by Methuen, one of the country’s Juniper has hidden issues of her own to worked. “I wrote Juniper's Whitening in leading publishers of dramatic works, deal with whilst trying to stop this mur- my first term over three days in the dark who are currently considering it for pub- der/resurrection cycle.” Right. Not really of my room, and it flowed in a scary lication. All looks bright for like Big Brother at all, then. way,” Oyeyemi tells me, commenting Cambridge’s rising literary star. Like her first novel, the inspiration for that her book deal legitimised her ten- Juniper’s Whitening plays at the Juniper’s Whitening came from dency to “binge-write”. Corpus Playroom, April 27th – May 1st Sweet Saga of Literary Lovin’ Playroom with a View

84 Charing Cross Road ly made up of the two leads reciting their to finally visit her London chums (and The Balcony by the prostitutes. Kathryn Evans was Arts Theatre. 19-24 Apr, 7.45pm letters and witty exchanges about their the bookshop she has grown so attached The Playroom, last term. mesmerizing as the madam/Queen, and loves of writing, reading, books and to) fade as she encounters numerous Laura Coffey as Carmen (the house’s bookshops. financial problems. You can’t help but accountant) and Katherine James as As time passes and their friendship think that buying your books from nita Berber Furniture Removal’s Chantal (the horse) were both excellent. think it would be only fair to say develops, we see the staff, fashions and somewhere local, rather than expensive production of Jean Genet’s The The set was simple but visually interest- that students aren’t really the target trends change around them whilst the antique copies from Frank three thou- ABalcony was very ambitious. ing, with a crystal chandelier, a television Iaudience of 84 Charing Cross dusty old shop remains the same. It’s a sand miles away, might perhaps have Not only did the script deal with such that projected nothing but ‘snow’, an arm Road, a merry little jaunt of a play that helped prevent such predicaments. Such complex themes as the line between fact chair, and a mirror. recounts the true tale of a New York trivialities aside - in the end it’s an iron- and fiction, perversion and innocence, The Balcony was not without its flaws. writer’s blossoming friendship with a “not a great deal ic twist of fate that means Helene’s book but the play was a logistical nightmare, Some monologues droned on a bit, and London bookshop owner over a twenty is published and she is finally able to calling for a cast of thirteen, frequent set some parts, especially towards the end, year period. actually happens” make her pilgrimage to the now-closed changes, and costumes ranging from a were very confusing.The blocking was a It’s certainly a novelty being the bookshop – albeit after her pen-pal has bishop to a general. On the whole they bit stilted, and I felt like I could see youngest audience member in a nice device – not entirely innovative, but died, leaving the audience a tad sombre did an admirable job. The Balcony tells every direction. It was the most intense Cambridge theatre audience – if your carried off pretty well even if the format but perfectly charmed by the whole jolly the story of a brothel called the House of play I have seen in years, and the some- theatre-loving Grandma happens to be begins to grate after a while (there are affair. Illusions, where men come to enact their what unfortunate consequence of this in town, this is the sort of thing that points where you really wish something 84 Charing Cross Road is an amiable, fantasies, whether they fancy themselves was the feeling that it was much longer would go down a treat. Not a great deal would just, well, happen, and small perfectly inoffensive, pretty well-acted judges, bishops, or - my personal than it actually was. At the end of the actually happens for the majority of the things like revolving walls begin to get piece of theatre (kudos especially to favourite - a general who enjoys riding play the Queen says, ‘You must go--it is proceedings – boisterous female writer very, very exciting where you know they Lenska for carrying off a decent New his ‘horse’. But when the revolution morning’, and I believed her! Helene, played by Rula Lenska, starts really shouldn’t). York accent through her reams of mono- which rages in the streets topples the Nevertheless, it is not every day that a buying books from stiff-upper-lipped Meanwhile, a band of cheery extras logues) – but you can’t help but feel that monarchy, the madam of the house, with production so well done and thought- shop owner Frank (William Gaunt) by busy themselves by moving books about something, somewhere in this produc- the help of the phoney judge, bishop and provoking graces this city. airmail in the midst of the Second a bit. As the letters flow and the years tion isn’t quite as fulfilling as it should be. general, decides to replace the Queen. Carrie English World War. The rest of the play is main- pass, we see Lenska’s character’s dream Chris Adams The best performances were delivered Funnier Things Have Happened... Backstage A Funny Thing Happened rather avian-monikered James Bench- weeds. As their one-liners continued fir- Theatre News The Playroom, last term Capon’s energy and boundless enthusi- ing off on the tired old soft targets of asm was at the very least endearing. Iraq, Christianity and…yep, that would THE ADC Theatre has closed for the first Yet too often this felt like a sixth form be Iraq again, the laughter muscles were visible stages of its ongoing redevelopment plan. production, with the feeling that more wasting rather than being given the The popular student drama venue will reopen its A problem with the continual boast of time had been spent choosing what to workout they had been promised. doors in October after major improvements to Cambridge of its back catalogue of suc- wear and getting the lighting right than Perhaps I am being harsh. I certainly the front-of-house and backstage areas. cessful comedians seems to be that par- in actually thinking about the material. would never have the courage to stand SPICE Girl Melanie Brown (Scary, to you ticular elements think that every Just because you’re wearing a hat at a there in a venue so intimidating, with the and me) made her Broadway debut in cult musi- acceptance letter suddenly bestows the jaunty angle and delivering a line with audience right on top of me and only a cal Rent this week, after her planned first appear- ability to tell jokes upon them. the drollness of Jack Dee on diazepam mic for protection, and maybe some ance was delayed after ‘vocal chord problems’. Evidence to the contrary was amply doesn’t substitute for having something refining occurred since the first night I THE RSC announced details of its first ever provided by A Funny Thing Happened at worthwhile to say. went on. Hopefully a few of the per- ‘new work’ festival this week. The festival will run the Corpus Playroom. The main trio behind the piece – formers will use this as a learning curve, over two weeks in September in venues in There were admittedly some perform- Jonathan Beckman, Roger Benson and and come back next year having thought Stratford and across the country. ances of natural talent: Dan Stevens’ Dec Munro – all had moments of poten- as much about material as presentation – For more news and reviews visit the Varsity inventiveness and chutzpah allowed him tial in their performances, but these were funnier things have happened. website: www.varsity.co.uk to get away with anything, whilst the flowers amongst some very obvious Ben Mullish

THEATRE / VISUAL ARTS www.varsity.co.uk April 23, 2004 19 The West End Goes to War Katie Sutton and Andreas Wiseman engage in battle on the London stage

ening crescendo of bombs ending the own hearts and minds, families, and packaged and sold to the audience, real- play, after the heartfelt conclusion communities that are never acknowl- ity is infinitely more complex. between Stanhope and his dying friend, edged. In this battle there is an overrid- As the veneer of the cosy family life Raleigh, are even outdone by the ing moral ambiguity, there is no clean begins to slowly crack, the emotional Littlewood-esque touch of having the dichotomy between right and wrong. and psychological certainty is eroded, so actors take their bows in front of a stony the physical environment is destroyed. backdrop on which are written all the His thirst for success is The once orderly and elegant home of names of those soldiers who died in the urban sophisticates becomes a waste- Great War. David Haig had a tear in his only maintained by land. Nothing remains whole. Even lan- eye, and so did half the audience. This copious amounts of guage falters, is deemed an inadequate play puts into sharp relief the sacrifice tool, as Martin attempts to explain the made by soldiers of all class (Sargeant whiskey inexplicable irrationality of passion. Trotter, the chirpy and down to earth, In this battle Stevie will take her non-public school boy is given a won- Martin is an award winning architect, revenge. And there are the innocent vic- derfully comic performance by Paul a master of the tangible, solid structures tims: Billy their son, and of course Bradley) and nationality.The audience is in life. The family’s life is built of the Sylvia. Albee points to the death of he claustrophobia is immedi- justly tender performance by David reminded of the physical and mental same solid material: happy marriage, innocence: of people (and animals) ately apparent. Cooped up in a Haig, who acts as the understanding suffering of these men. Journey’s End good friends, successful career, and nice caught in someone else’s war, for some- Tmarvelously accurate looking father figure to both Raleigh and delivers a pertinent message at a time house. Content, affluent and fashionably one else’s reasons, motivated by someone puddle and rat-infested bunker are a Stanhope, but who also, in some of the when the necessity of current world con- liberal. Yet one cataclysmic event causes else’s greed or desire. number of English officers of the First play’s more poignant moments, uncovers flicts, notably in Iraq, are taking centre the comfortable façade to unravel. In an interview on Channel 4 News World War. his own dreams and aspirations for his stage in the international political arena After making a television programme Albee suggested that his idea of Raleigh is the fresh faced and hopeful life after the war. These hopes are typi- once again. Sheriff ’s great play is as rele- about Martin’s receipt of a coveted archi- unbounded human-goat love grew from recruit dropped in amongst men so des- cally ended by the mismanagement and vant and resonant as ever. tecture prize, Ross, Martin’s best friend, his observations of Texan farming folk. perate to escape the horrors of trench blundering of the superior officers who learns of Martin’s affair. Ross, in a Judas- Interesting. Even off stage you don’t warfare that feigned illness becomes a arrange a fatal attack on the enemy, to be Journeys End is currently playing at like act, betrays Martin, and with this act know how seriously to take Albee. The stock escape tactic from this nightmare spearheaded by Osborne at a particular- the Comedy Theatre, London. the stable physical and emotional uni- Goat sits on the cusp of the surreal, yet is world. Captain Stanhope is the com- ly dangerous time of day, just to suit their Andreas Wiseman verse that all of the characters once meshed with the painfully real human manding officer hero worshipped by dining times. inhabited begins to crumble. For, as his acts of betrayal, revenge and the human young Raleigh, but whose outward dis- This play relies on a strong perform- he emotional battleground of family learns, Martin is madly, deeply, impulse toward destruction in a world of play of determination, strength and ance from the actor playing Stanhope. marriage overlaid with themes and passionately in love - with a goat chaotic struggle. As an audience mem- thirst for success is only maintained by Yet, apart from the more unavoidably Tof betrayal, revenge, and the called Sylvia. ber you are left with an image of irre- copious amounts of whiskey: ‘It helps moving situations in the play, Geoffrey loss of innocence, underline Edward As Ross, with laddish pride, recounts versible desolation: the sense that now me forget’, Geoffrey Streatfeild’s charac- Streatfeild failed to convincingly convey Albee’s latest play The Goat, or Who is his string of clandestine infidelities, you this terrible awful thing has happened, ter cries out. the schizophrenic effects that alcohol Sylvia? The play is tinged with the are struck by a pervasive moral ambigu- nothing can ever go back to the way it Sheriff ’s anti-war classic, celebrating can have on those under severe mental absurd, a recognition of the tragic- ity. Ross considers his own dishonesty was before. The physical and psycholog- the 75th anniversary of its first perform- pressure. His shouting and mood swings comic nature of existence. perfectly acceptable, yet he is outraged ical landscape has been irreparably ance, encapsulates the futility of war: the seemed hollow rather than expressive of At the core of The Goat, as with many by Martin’s affair and feels compelled to altered. mental and physical scarring of men the inner turmoil of this superficially of Albee’s plays, is the underlying con- tell Martin’s wife, Stevie. The play ordered to their death in their thou- unbreakable soldier apart. flict rippling beneath the respectable probes the boundaries between what is The Goat, or Who Is Sylvia? is playing sands, often only for the sake of a couple But this does not spoil a wonderfully veneer of a complacent society. Albee deemed acceptable and unacceptable at The Apollo Theatre, London. of yards of ground. Osborne is given a moving and important play. The fright- points to the battles going on within our love. Right and wrong is not neatly Katie Sutton The Divine Touch Platonic

ollowing the success of d Alastair Gee on El Greco at the National Immaterial at Kettle’s Yard ar Flast term, as part of an ongo- s Y ing celebration of Hungarian art in The new show of Greco’s work at the Greco’s utterly unorthodox portrayal the UK, the gallery presents National Gallery show is a satisfyingly of the human body is just as captivating, Platonic Love. The exhibition fea-

comprehensive one, displaying 58 pieces shown with fleshy, lumpen muscles and tures a range of works by Attila tesy of Kettle’ and spanning a 45 year career that began elongated torsos and legs. It seems Csörgö, one of Hungary’s most

in the 1560s. As the Fray indicates, almost the antithesis of Michaelangelo’s acclaimed practising young artists, Cour Greco’s birthplace was actually 1,000 realism. Over-long limbs and fingers are with similar geometric and kinetic miles east of his adopted Spain in outstretched and reaching, or alterna- interests. These are all presented in Candia, capital of Crete. The show has a tively, as in The Agony in the Garden, an engaging and entertaining way. few of his early Byzantine church icons, poised and posed with all the spiritual The first works in the exhibition but they’re mostly rather standard, and serenity of a Siddharta. Compared to are a pair of photographs, exposed on the great bulk of pieces on display are these breathtaking religious works, transparent semi domes. The Semi- Orange Spaces. These works were post-1567 - those he completed while Greco’s portraits are perhaps more Spaces present their subjects to the made in relation to buildings and undertaking a self-imposed creative exile restrained, but certainly no less notewor- viewer in an obtuse panorama that spaces in Cambridge, and, like the in Venice, later Rome, and finally in thy – the magnificently crimson mimics actual optical experience, but Semi-Spaces, emerge with less success 1576, Toledo. It is in this latter city that, Cardinal is in particular a delight. the small scale of the photographs than the other pieces in the exhibi- rete gave him life, Toledo mostly in religious pieces, Greco truly The exhibition catalogue notes that and their state of deterioration made tion. The centerpieces of the exhibi- his brushes and a better gave expression to his hyperphysically an El Greco caused a sensation in 1919, them difficult to appreciate. tion were two untitled mechanical “Chomeland," reflected the sublime vision. due to its ‘modern’ appearance.This 19th The potential of photography as a works that deconstruct and recon- friar Hortensio Félix Paravicino, in the Curator, David Davies, sums up the century impression of timelessness has means not only to record but also to struct geometrical shapes, their sonnet he composed following the the shimmer and certain flickering by no means faded in the 21st. recreate the visual world was further automata-like qualities apparently death of his close friend, Domenikos translucence that enraptures us at the explored in images that captured the revealing an almost child-like fasci- Theotokopoulos, in 1614. exhibition with his suggestion, that "all Running until 23rd May at the transient and invisible geometric nation with the world that is consis- You can see a rather special por- are illuminated and quickened by God’s National Gallery, Trafalgar Square, trace left by an electric light, and in tent throughout the exhibition, trait of Paravicino at the exhibition: Grace." In The Virgin of the Immaculate London works such as Slanting Water which whether expressed by displaying the there’s most definitely the ghost of a Conception we glory in Greco’s skies challenges the realistic authority of otherwise invisible, or through trans- grin on his face as he gazes at his wrought with wind and clouds sucked the photographic medium. The relia- formations of the familiar. Overall, painter – the very same upwards into a divine tumult, a back- bility of vision itself was questioned the exhibition was intriguing and the Theotokopoulos, or El Greco (‘The ground for the single big angel wing that by some of the kinetic sculptures, the accessibility of the presentation Greek’), as he had come to be known. beats against the storm. Complicated illusion created by Solid Revolution makes it worth visiting irrespective of As much as for his exotic origins scenes are possessed of a certain doing so in a particularly effective having a particular interest in con- however, Greco was known for a style Mannerist delicacy and weightlessness, way. The work that generated most temporary Hungarian art. that was wildly and exhilaratingly that is balanced out by swooping lines interest was The Maelstrom Project, unconventional. His instantly recog- and curves that drag the viewing eye in – again a kinetic work, in which a lens Platonic Love is exhibited at Kettle’s nisable touch, even today, seems as we catch the action almost as if it were is created out of dark, reflective fluid Yard until 9th May much other-worldly – Elysian we momentarily paused and resting, but by means of movement. Displayed could say, or perhaps occasionally paused and resting in a state of heartbeat alongside this work were a set of Majella Munro Hadean - as it does Mediterranean. expectation. spherical photographs, entitled

MUSIC 20 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Roni And Crew Size It Up Dear... Alex Mills sees Roni Size at The Junction, 25th March hy has drum ‘n’ bass sur- Sleater-Kinney vived and prospered for over Wa decade, while musical fashions and fads (good and bad) have come and gone? Versatility. Drum ‘n’ Alex Mills bass is music stripped back to its bare hen I was thirteen I essentials, its skeleton, the primitive, decided Hole was the primal. At The Junction on the Wgoing to be my 25th of March, drum and bass legend favourite band for the rest of Roni Size and his Full Cycle crew gave my life. When I was twenty, I a lesson in the versatility of drum ‘n’ heard America’s Sweetheart. bass. Build it up or strip it down. Slow Such betrayal, in the face of it down or speed it up. Rap or instru- such loyalty, forced me to mental. Jazz or beats. Jungle or elec- switch allegiances. From that tronic. Pure or dirty. Beautiful or point, Sleater-Kinney, you nasty. Or just do it all. were promoted from one of After a solid warm up on the decks, my favourite bands to my MC Tali (born in New Zealand and favourite band. discovered by Roni Size in Australia) When I play your CDs it was the first from the team to hit the sounds like you’re playing in the stage, singing choice tracks from her MC Dynamite brings more fire to the Junction corner of my room, and when I recently released album Lyric on My tracks to good effect, and she was to fronted by MC Dynamite with Tali only how well his old material has see you live you sound like Lip with backing vocalists and band in return the favour. Tali is undeniably a guesting. From the start the crowd was dated, but how the new material con- you’ll die if you don’t play your support. She got the floor pumping talented singer and MC, and her lyri- his – despite the fact that many looked tinues to meet the high standards he songs to me. Your lyrics do the with a couple of fast-paced bass-heavy cal style is unique and refreshing in the like the only D&B they would have sets himself. Combining inspiration feminist-socialist-thing with numbers, went missing with some r ‘n’ drum ‘n’ bass world. Her whole act been into a decade ago was Dummies and perspiration in equal measure, aplomb but with a basic gleeful- b “inspired” slower numbers (low screams potential d ‘n’ b meets r ‘n’ b & Bassinets. The set combined tracks Size proves that high tempo dance ness at just making rock ’n’ roll. point: sounding like a lost Sugababe), commercial cross-over, but sometimes from Size’s forthcoming album music can still be innovative and com- You pre-empted all the fun and won the crowd back again with to bad effect. (Return to V) with classic Size tunes, plex. Drum ‘n’ bass is alive and kicking the White Stripes have to some higher tempo tracks. MC The main event was of course Roni and the consistent energy of the per- ass, and just as he was in the begin- offer: you realised from the Dynamite guested on a couple of her Size, band in support again, mostly formance and the crowd showed not ning, Roni Size is at the front line. start that bass is superfluous and that inter-band love intrigue will always create a frisson. But you have no need Yeah Yeah Yeahs At The Forum, 15th April to milk your pasts for all they’re worth, although your he honeymoon has been stunning in both performance and impeccable girl-band creden- over for months. As much as appearance. A true star in a scene of tials are something to be proud Tit pains to admit, we sit at a also-rans and mediocrity, O is resplen- of. You are that rare thing, a baffling juncture, unfelt since the dent in silver and blue cheerleading band greater than the sum of post-Britpop wake that was 1996. regalia, slashed fishnets and Converse, its parts. The spark has gone; the ideas are while the urge amongst her devout So congratulations ladies, drying up and the novelty has worn female congregation to emergency-call you’re the only band to have off. Pre-gig pubs no longer brim Toni & Guy is tangible from the Robbie de Santos survived the riot grrl scene with the trepidation that future ‘we moment her new hairstyle unexpected- intact and you can sing about were there’ moments were about to ly enters the stage. George Bush and still make be witnessed. Maps is as heart-rending as ever, me want to dance. I rest Such an air of tension makes the tri- while fellow singles Pin and Date assured that your next album umphant return of Yeah Yeah Yeahs to with the Night are effortlessly huge. won’t let me down. our shores all the more relieving for But the evening’s most delirious band and fans alike. With no second reception is reserved for an encore album expected until 2005 and pro- combination of Bang! and Our Time, Rebecca Kemp motional duties for Fever to Tell com- with the latter’s ‘It’s our time!’ shout- plete, a well-earned freedom to exper- off between O and her audience a XXX iment and to relax is tangible, even poignant statement of loyalty amongst such long-renowned onstage between the band and their faithful, hell-raisers. a fitting ‘thank-you’ on an entirely While her public would expect victorious night. nothing less, Karen O is absolutely Jon Swaine Pop Wars Reviews The Top 5 Various – Shaun Of The Dead Soundtrack Island, Out Now 1.Westlife vs. So Solid Crew, Brit Awards 2002 Chris O’Rourke ‘Best Pop Act’ Westlife think that they can take the 259-strong So Solid Crew. The soundtrack to Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s new ‘rom-zom-com’, Shaun of the They respond by throwing champagne bottles at them. Now that’s gangsta. Dead, resurrects some ghostly ska, eighties electro and a couple of high-camp classics from Queen, alongside contributions from Lemon Jelly and Ash (who pair up with 2. Michael Jackson vs. Jarvis Cocker, Brit Awards 1996 Chris Martin on a cover of the Buzzcocks’ Everbody’s Happy Nowadays.) Like the Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker flashes his arse at Jackson on stage. He then film, the album harks back to the creepy, synth-infested world of old zombie movies gets arrested for pushing a child off the stage, but is released without charge. with some suitably atmospheric and nostalgic original tracks. But, whether you’ve Jackson later gets arrested for child-related offences of a different nature. seen the film or not (and you probably should,) the soundtrack offers a fun mix of spooky sounds and zombie rock. 3. Oasis vs. Blur,The Charts 1995 Oasis release Roll With It at the same time as Blur release Country House. Blur win the battle, but Oasis win the war. The Rasmus – Dead Letters Island, April 26th 4. Jack White vs.The Von Bondies, Detroit Night Club 2003 Jordan Togo Jack White punches Bondies frontman Jason Stollsteimer after he disses Already a big seller in The Rasmus’ native Finland, Dead Letters is now stalk- White’s production skills, and then pleads guilty to assault. ing towards the British Isles, with In The Shadows, the first single, already a top three hit. Dead Letters is a glossy, operatic affair that goes for big chorus- 5.Victoria Beckham vs. Sophie Ellis Bextor,The Charts 2000 es and angst-ridden melodrama. The lead singer, Lauri Ylonen, wails about Old Rhombus Head beats Posh to number 1 with Spiller’s Groovejet, and his bed being a coffin and playing with the thunder. The Rasmus are more rubs her nose in it by repeating the feat three years later. effective when they tone down their mock-goth over-production in favour of guitar-led anthems like In My Life and Back In The Picture. But overall Dead Letters, aptly, fails to deliver.

LITERATURE 21 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Fairie Queenes on the Battlefield Alex Runchman pitches the sword aganst the pen

artistry as well as the story. - two World Wars, the Holocaust, in a grief that isn’t quite sincere or to Something of this mythic quali- Hiroshima and now September 11th, feel ‘how sad, but at least it’s not real ty, if not of the ornateness, survives in to give just the most obvious exam- for me’ - I doubt a person who had modern fantasy fiction and film, ples – seem to demand an artistic really been bereaved would enjoy such which revel in cruel fights choreo- response. To ignore them would be an a film graphed to delight. The unreality is injustice to the memory of their vic- reassuring: the scenarios are often so tims and would deny their enormous excessive that there’s no chance of social and cultural importance. A We might be moved mistaking them for something plausi- mere factual account (if such a thing by the suffering of ble. were possible) couldn’t satisfactorily We might be moved by the suffer- record the imaginative or emotional hobbit ings of a hobbit, or gratified by the reactions which, more than bare facts, representation of a battlefield of are our means of remembering such slaughtered orcs, but such responses events. And yet, no artistic response rt, whether moralistic, satiri- will always be to something we know can be adequate, and may harmfully cal, or apparently just descrip- to be fictional. The actual sight of a misrepresent the reality – the motives Ative, always manipulates its battlefield of slaughtered men would and feelings of those involved, and audiences. And writers, especially appal us. The most convincing realist even what actually happened. those who write about war, have to writing brings us closer to such a It’s hard not to romanticize. ‘Death find a compromise between the desire sight. Nonetheless, realist art is still is the mother of beauty’ wrote to please and being truthful. The art, and to conscientious writers con- Wallace Stevens during the First dilemma is well captured at the end of cerned with addressing actual and not World War, in which he was not Ian McEwan’s Atonement, when just mythic bloodshed, the impulse to involved. Stevens recognized that our Briony Tallis admits that the happy appreciation of beauty depends upon ending she’d written for her sister and No artistic response can our awareness of mortality, and war, her soldier lover was fabricated. ‘Who with its mass death, heightens such would want to believe that they never be adequate and may awareness. The classic war film sce- met again… except in the service of harmfully represent the nario of the doomed soldier and his the bleakest realism?’ A difficult n Sonnet 34 of Astrophil and brutality are presented with rhetorical beloved, planning for a future ‘when question, especially as it’s asked by a Stella, Sir Philip Sidney, follow- flourish or through elegant verse. reality the war’s over’ epitomizes this senti- fictional character. But it suggests Iing Aristotle, insists, ‘Oft cruell They are shrouded in myth and are mentalizing tendency. The situation that in writing, perhaps, reality is fights well pictured forth do please’. thereby rendered distant – their qual- create something intended to please is believable, but by emphasising the more likely to be accepted if inferred This is, without doubt, true and, to ity is aesthetic rather than realistic, out of the horror of war is troubling. parting, and because we know what is rather than stated; and that what is Sidney’s Renaissance sensibilities, even when they also fulfil an allegori- It could seem like ‘cashing in’ and going to happen, the director manip- fictional ought to be recognized as unproblematic. cal function. We admire the writer’s there is a high risk of falsifying the ulates our emotions. It has become such. In his Arcadia, and in Edmund narrative performance alongside the terrible and real experiences of others. clichéd and therefore funny. Those Spenser’s Faerie Queene, battle and hero’s performance in battle; the The worst atrocities of modern times who are touched are likely to wallow Alex Runchman

THE VERY BEST IN NEW WRITING FROM THE Art In The Zoo UNIVERSITIES OF OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE. Ann Lackie returns to the habitat of AVAILABLE IN JUNE PRICED £6.99 FROM her characters in her new novel: WATERSTONES, BORDERS AND VARSITY (01223 353422) Seaside Pleasures n Thursday April 29th at 7pm, Ann parasitologist. Their stories of obsessional loves and Lackie will give a talk in the Museum of conflicting beliefs are inextricably linked with each OZoology about the science behind other and with the life and tragic death of Seaside Pleasures. As both a specialist in parasitol- Victorian evangelist Emily Gosse, wife of the nat- ogy and zoology, and a broadcaster and novelist, uralist Philip Henry Gosse. Seaside Pleasures ranges her head has just the cocktail of voices to tackle across time and geography from Victorian Devon the literary world today. Her interst in the collab- to Ethiopia in the 1960s, and present-day oration of the sciences and arts is demostrated by Cornwall to Cambridge. The boundaries between her art rather than merely theorised. In speaking fiction and fact become blurred as the characters’ to us, she returns to the source of inspiration, the separate lives are woven together by the themes of world in which her leading character studies shells and snails, science and religion, love and zoology. At the beginning of exam term, come death, and the sea. and delight in being a beast, seen through the eyes of an artist. “The book is a rockpool in itself, When Matt Myers decides to spend the summer with his mother at the Shell House, in a village on concealing seaside secrets as well the South Cornish coast, he little guesses that he is as pleasures deep beneath the about to step into the minefield of his family’s past and recent history. Anne Church is a young surface.” Victorian, Matt is an art student, Hazel Myers, his North Devon Journal. mother, is a malacologist and Elizabeth Wilson is a

SPORT 22 Apr 23, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Cambridge enjoy success on water... Oxford thrashed in Boat Race By Sam Richardson

After six months of difficult training, early mornings, fatigue, selection, trav- el, mental preparation, warmup races, and all the rest of it, it all boiled down Jet Photographic to 18 minutes and 48 seconds with Cambridge ultimately claiming victo- ry. The light Blues’ motivation to win was enhanced by the last two close races, which had been lost to Oxford, and a determination to prevent the Dark Blues from taking a hat-trick of wins. The race was a fantastic swansong for the majority of the Cambridge crew.The 2004 race marked the last major race in careers that had spanned a decade or more. Cambridge’s winning margin of seven lengths though does not tell the full story of an explosive 150th boat race. Oxford’s expected flying start found Teams impress in yachting nationals them three-quarters of a length up bare- ly after a minute into the race. Then Imagine yourself at the helm of a 37- putting additional pressure on the crew came the turning-point of the race as foot yacht, the wind is getting up and tacticians. The first boat’s strong starts Oxford edged toward Middlesex. the one-minute gun has just sounded. resulted in them being consistently at Cambridge, in their own water refused Two-dozen boats, each weighing six the front end of the pack as they round- to give way. tonnes, are vying for the same water, ed the first mark. This was followed by As the oars clashed dangerously, the ducking around each other to avoid the solid downwind performances, during scene seemed more reminiscent of the crunch of fibreglass hulls, circling and which they clawed up the rankings film Master and Commander, with weaving like a swarm of bees to reach thanks to the abilities of their awesome Oxford bowman Chris Kennelly’s losing the start line at exactly the right kite trimmers. With a final result of his seat. The light Blues with hours of moment. You come within inches of joint sixth, they were only beaten by four potentially dangerous clashing practice another boat as the crew count down to Southampton teams (who train together behind them- came out on top, with the start, ‘ten, nine…’ you’re gradually most weekends) and London Oxford’s advantage having sunk into the nearing the line… ‘Three, two, one…’ Universities. And above Oxford. mysterious tide of the Thames. the sound of a siren pierces the air, the The second boat, skippered by Chris Cambridge proceeded to glide away sails are trimmed, the boat accelerates Kemp, had a frustrating first two days as with effortless rhythm and the margin of into the wind, and you’re off, beating a result of boat problems including a victory was six lengths. But after the up towards the windward mark. snapped rudder cable. But by race, the Oxford cox Acer Nethercott This year, Cambridge University Wednesday they were flying, consistent- immediately complained. The race Yachting was fortunate enough to be ly beating a number of University first umpire James Behrens saw it differently, able to send two crews to the Student boats, and more than once pressuring “Oxford were off station and I was Yachting Nationals in Portsmouth, the Cambridge first boat. Their overall warning them”. The evidence suggests thanks to the generous support of their position at the end of the week did not that this was not a case of piracy on the sponsors, Invesco Perpetual. The first helm, with three other crew members In total, the fleet sailed twelve races reflect their ability as it was significantly high seas. Cambridge made their own boat, skippered by BT Global Challenge having represented Great Britain. over the four-day event. The force five affected by the unlucky boat problems of luck in the 150th Boat Race, and were trained Matt Jess, included 2008 Expectations were high, despite the lack winds of the first couple of days abated the first two days. worthy winners. Olympic hopeful Gemma Farrell at the of an opportunity to train as a crew. to a shifting force three with heavy gusts, Sophie Pickford ... and BUSA victories on land Riders horse around ... and Fencers make their point

The 2004 Varsity match saw the light system for both the dressage and show In the Men’s Fencing semi-final, Varsity Match defeat with a 123-107 Cambridge won 45-44), the Light blues storm to victory. This was an jumping, saw solid performances by all defending champions Cambridge margin of victory. Blues took on the undefeated excellent moral boost for the team members, and a deserved title of easily dispatched Nottingham The Men’s Final was a repeat of last Northumbria Sabre Team. Cambridge Nationals, which were to follow within National Champions 2004. Individually, University 135-73 to progress to the year and produced some pulsating began well but in a nail-biting finale, a few days of the Varsity victory. Cambridge took 2 of the 3 top spots, final, where they would cross swords fencing. With only one recognised Northumbria scored the final hit to Some last minute training, funded by with Amy Harris winning, and Natalie with old foes Northumbria. Epeeiest in their team, Northumbria take the match 45-44. The Cambridge a generous donation, saw the team of McGoldrick taking 3rd. The Cambridge Women’s 1sts, who were reluctant to attack and relied on Foilists showed no signs of nerves and four well prepared for the tough 3 days This is the first time in 9 years that were also defending Champions, were defensive negative fencing to try and used some quick ripostes to win their of competition that lay ahead of them at Cambridge have won the Equestrian drawn against Oxford in their semi- score their hits. This produced a very match 45-33 and take the overall tie the Nationals in Uttoxeter. Nationals - all that remains is to per- final. This was the fourth time the tactical but not spectacular Epee 134-107. This victory enabled Captain The team set out merely to enjoy suade someone to insure the solid silver teams had met this season and despite match which Cambridge won 45-28. Alex Most to lift Cambridge’s fourth being in the Nationals. Three days of trophy, so that it can leave the BUSA a late charge from the Cambridge With memories of last year’s Sabre BUSA Fencing Team Championship intense competition, run as a knock-out offices. Foilists, the Dark Blues avenged their final in mind (a thriller that Trophy in a row. SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Apr 23 2004 23 Judo joy for blues Titles for Girton and John’s

one of his trademark touchline deliver- Football Cuppers Football League ies that the home side grabbed a second ST JOHN’S 2 GIRTON 4 minute lead, as Jamie Knibbs headed home. Donald Davidson scored the FITZWILLIAM 1 JESUS 0 second and Rich Corns put through his own net before Paul Touil put the fizz Shanaz Musafer Gavin Versi in the sparkly with a superb virtuoso effort late on. It was all a far cry from earlier in the The most eagerly anticipated match On a playing field somewhere in season, when co-captain Davidson in the college football season took Cambridge way back in 1998 Michael remarked that his men were behaving place on a cold and blustery Monday Coulson – affectionately known as “like we’re the Crazy Gang,” such was the at the end of last term as John’s and Mickey Villa – cried tears of joy. His team’s haphazard approach to training. Fitz battled it out for the title of 2004 college, Girton, had just won the But it all came together in the end. Cuppers champions. league title in his first year and it was Like all title-winning sides, Girton’s suc- John’s went into the match as reign- joy unlimited. cess was built on a watertight back line. ing champions and favourites with At the end of Lent term the establish- Centre-back Richard Staff, dubbed “The their four starting Blues plus Sion ment founded by suffragette Emily Machine” by his teammates, was superb Lewis on the bench. However, anyone Davies was presented with the opportu- all season long. Even if the fresher’s lime- expecting the John’s juggernaut to roll nity to make sure that Villa, who as a light was stolen somewhat by the prodi- Fitz over easily were soon in for a sur- fresher famously instructed Catz, “We’ll gious Alex Mugan, Staff ’s surgical tack- prise as the Billy bandwagon, spurred win the league; you get back to your text- ling was a hallmark of Girton’s season. It on by some vociferous support from books” as his side led 5-1, went down in combined with Villa, Knibbs and Richard The Judo club spent last weekend in Cambridge players at the grading it the stands, got off to a flyer as their Girton folklore by winning league titles in Apps to ensure that keeper Rob Jones Norwich attending the Eastern area was inevitable that some fights would own two Blues combined. A terrific his first and last years of academic study, kept six clean sheets in nine matches. grading. Twenty players of all abilities be a purely Cambridge affair, as was cross from Luke McNally on the right albeit six years apart. In Girton’s way Amid the euphoria of the occasion, competed against fighters from all the case when Dave Anderson defeat- wing was met by the head of Jonny stood Jesus, themselves going for the Griffiths was quick to dismiss the sug- around East Anglia. The novices ed Mujahid Islam with major outer Hughes, giving Fitz an early lead. championship. gestion that his transformation from fought first, with Christian Schreiber reaping technique. It was a move that was often to be As it occurred, the visitors never really captain to manager had been due to kicking off by accidentally ripping the Sadly almost all of the ladies’ match- repeated throughout the match, with turned up for this crunch clash. Two nervousness on the field. “I wasn’t well trousers of his opponent. es were exclusively Cambridge with the superb McNally seemingly on the for the first few weeks of the season,” he Once the trousers had been University rugby player Ali Stevens ball all over the pitch and lofting pin- “This is my finest said. “It was hard to come in after we replaced, Chris floored him by coun- dominating. She won all her fights and point crosses and long balls for made such a good start. It was never a tering with an inner sweep. Jacob Steel moving up from novice to an upper Hughes and strike partner Danny achievement... I think confidence thing.” won two of his three fights, first using orange belt. Women’s captain Rebecca Griffiths to run on to. Indeed, both my managerial career is Similarly defiant was Griffiths’ coun- swift shoulder wheel and finishing Brewer put in a solid performance, teams often had to resort to playing terpart Jon Young, who refused to use the with an ‘o-uchi-gari’ leg sweep. advancing a grade as did Sarah Scott long balls over the top, given the atro- just taking off”- Girton absence of no fewer than five key players Unfortunately with the number of and Laid Laurent . cious surface of the Grange Road as an excuse. “We were very lacklustre,” pitch. hours of football against John’s in a said the Jesus captain, while goalkeeper The Johnian calm reaction to the Cuppers semi-final only 48 hours previ- Sam Richardson went a step further. “We goal was admirable and they had par- ously cannot have helped the Jesuans, as were rubbish,” admitted the Falcons stop- Eriksson’s conundrum ticular joy down the right, with they delivered a flat performance on their per. “We were outplayed fair and square Pantelides, Adams and Hall all able to way to a 4-0 drubbing. by a solid Girton outfit.” Terry, Sol Campbell and Wayne Bridge. get crosses in. Harding was set to “This is my finest ever achievement,” Contrast this with their green con- Rajan Lakhani gives That leaves one right-full back and a equalise when his looping header said Girton chief Bob Griffiths after- querors, who embraced each other lov- Sven a helping hand. centre-back position to cover for only seemed destined for the top corner, but wards. “I’m over the moon. I think my ingly as they sashayed off the pitch. After seven defenders should go to Euro 2004 Dan Whale pulled off a fantastic save managerial career is just taking off and the previous season’s last-gasp escape Following the recent friendly with given defenders have proven to be less to deny him. The equaliser duly I’m going away on international duty from relegation, they were unlikely candi- Sweden, it should be clear in Sven’s prone to injury than midfielders and arrived when Tim Hall’s shot from just soon,” joked the language student in ref- dates to win the league. But having gone mind what the squad will look like with attackers. Danny Mills, Jamie Carragher outside the box hit the back of the net. erence to his impending year abroad, an entire season undefeated they proved maybe at most a couple of exceptions. and Phil Neville are the leading con- Fitz captain Matt Clamp said after shortly after dousing his charges in syn- themselves to be, quite simply, the best In any case, Eriksson will go with 3 tenders for providing cover for a right- the match, “John’s were a very strong thetic champagne. college team in the University.The league goalkeepers, 8 defenders, 8 midfielders sided defender. Mills has shown poor side but I thought we matched them All this was made possible thanks to title was Girton’s again and Mickey Villa and 4 strikers instead of what is pro- discipline for England while Phil Neville all the way, although maybe not in the Girton’s fast start. Canadian Ben wept once more. Somewhere in heaven, posed which is 3 goalkeepers, 7 defend- had a terrible match against Sweden. first fifteen minutes of the second Challis can throw the ball as far as a lot Emily Davies is smiling. ers, 8 midfielders and 5 strikers). Carragher has been attacking much half.” This was a fair and honest reflec- of players can kick it and it was from England suffer from a lack of ability more for Liverpool recently and has tion on the match as John’s could, and in the goalkeeping department, which is played well since his injury. Therefore, perhaps should, have won it at the astonishing given the great keepers in the Liverpool player should go to the start of the second half, when Adams the past such as Banks, Shilton and championships. This leaves the reserve and Hall both hit the woodwork. But Catz fall to Hughes Hall Clemence. David James would not have centre-half place. The candidates vying the Fitz defence held firm, led by cap- had a change of getting into an England for this place are Gareth Southgate, tain Clamp and the sturdy Graeme squad ten years ago given the doubts Jonathan Woodgate, Wes Brown and Forster, to see the game into extra over his handling and decision-making Ledley King Southgate should hopeful- time. abilities. Fitz even looked the more likely to Andy Sims While no one questions his shot- nick a goal in the added on period as stopping strength, he is more prone to England suffer from a lack of both McNally and Hughes went close. making errors. Moreover, those errors ability in the goalkeeping While everyone was preparing for have come on big occasions such as FA department penalties though, John’s Mike Gun- Cup Finals for Liverpool and Aston Why had other ideas. Ever alert in the Villa; hence the moniker ‘Calamity ly recover from his injury in time and go penalty area, he pounced on a spilled James’. However, he holds the No.1 jer- to Euro 2004 because of his experience ball by Whale to tap in the winning sey at the moment though it is clear at international level and his communi- goal. It was unfortunate for Whale, Chris Kirkland should be England’s cation would be vital to advise a younger who had otherwise had a fine match. goalkeeper. But his latest injury will rule defender, like he did with Ledley King Yet Fitz refused to give up and even at him out of the European (who was superb against Portugal). the death had a chance to take it to Championships. If Eriksson picks eight defenders, the penalties, only for the effort to go The other two goalkeeping slots final choice will be between Brown, wide. should go to those that have some expe- Woodgate and King. All have pace but John’s captain John Bryan was suit- rience in major tournaments. This King made the greatest impression for ably delighted with the result: means Ian Walker and Nigel Martyn England. King can also play in defensive “Monday was a great effort from all should go to Euro 2004. Walker has midfield, as he has for Tottenham. But the lads. We’ve had a really tough run played well of late, making a series of this is also a problem given that he is not to the final, but I thought we deserved brilliant saves recently. Martyn has been getting regular football at centre-half. to win on the day and in the end had consistent for Everton throughout the Woodgate has played well for the luck to get the winning goal.” season and produced a superb display Newcastle, both in the league and the Meanwhile Clamp paid tribute to the recently against Leeds. Paul Robinson of UEFA Cup. Brown has struggled at Fitz fans and looked to the future: Leeds should not go because of his international and Champions League “Despite the result it was a really good Hughes Hall won the Rugby But the grads, with Dafydd Lewis inconsistency this season and his low level this season and questions remain day not just for the players but for all Cuppers final with a 39-22 win over a dominating the game from fly-half, confidence at the moment given all the over his injury proneness. Whoever plays the supporters from college who I defiant Catz side. ultimately proved too strong, and two doubts over his future at Leeds. in defence, the key will be defending set- thought were fantastic, not only in this Catz, having knocked out both St tries by Lewis’s fellow Blue Aki Abiola Onto the defenders. It is clear which pieces better than they have done of late. match but also in the semi against John’s and Jesus on their way to the were enough to kill off Catz. Robinson five defenders are going for certain and Girton. Hopefully with a bit of luck final, fought valiantly in a fiercely con- beat Churchill 24-7 in the plate. they are Gary Neville, Ashley Cole, John we can go one better next year.” tested final. Sam Richardson

SPORT 23.04.04 www.varsity.co.uk BOXERS KNOCK OUT OXFORD Varsity Boxing

OXFORD 3 CUABC CAMBRIDGE 6

Alex Donnelly

Following two successive victories over the old enemy, Cambridge travelled to Oxford with high expectations. They did not disappoint. An experienced and professional team retained the Truelove Bowl as 6 – 3 winners. There was no weak link. Five return- ing Blues were fortified by two BUSA medal winners and with Oxford unable to field a light-heavyweight, the team started 1-0 up. First out of the blocks was featherweight Neil Grimster. Oxford novice Peter Ho put up a spirit- ed defence before Grimster’s close range punches became too much in round two. BUSA champion Phil Gaughwin had a closer contest, going the full distance against Oxford lightweight Fred Brown. Brown floored Gaughwin with an illegal hook in the first round and the Cambridge man, shaken but not stirred, did well to get back up. The judges decided in favour of Cambridge - a move they would not repeat. In bout number three Ming Wongsaroj left no room for doubt Wongsaroj claimed his third successive Varsity victory, beating Justin Bronder with a virtuoso performance of slips and ducks backed up by devastating hooks. Michael Dunning, Cambridge’s cap- Cambridge captain Jonathan Pope’s points victory over Oleg Papazov clinches the Truelove Bowl for his team. tain elect and British and Irish universi- ties champion, was right to be disap- CUABC Captain Jonathon Pope has unlucky to lose a points decision against The eighth clash of the night was a bout of the night, the heavy weights. pointed at the political decision that led led by example this term with a series of his sturdy Oxford opponent Mark Tigers-Panthers bout between Double rugby blue Gavin Webster com- to his defeat by the Oxford impressive victories. In this Varsity Hudson. In the second middleweight Cambridge’s British and Irish bined power and technique to devastat- captain,James Glancy. Glancy was clear- match clash Oxford light welter Oleg fight Tom Bennet-Britton did every- Uniersities Champion Ollie Bowles and ing effect, and his opponent James Boyle ly outclassed; once Dunning had tamed Papazov had nothing to combat Pope’s thing right in his match against tall Oxford Brookes’ BUSA champion had nothing but floundering jabs to his raw aggression with some well timed quick footwork and explosive power, and Oxford man Charles Ogilvie. The David Amiekumo. Both boxers com- defend a barrage of crushing hooks. combinations, Glancy became little was lucky to stay standing. It was fitting judges, however, did not. Ogilvie took a manded power and agility, and it was left When Webster started to unleash more than a dark blue punch bag, surg- for Pope’s victory to seal the match. much needed standing count in the third to the speed and discipline of Bowles, uppercuts early on in the second round ing forward into Dunning’s calculated Following this highlight, the two round, and did well to finish the bout, so cultivated through months of arduous Boyle’s hands dropped and his head fell counterpunches. When the judges middle weight contests were marred by the judges’ decision in his favour was training with CUABC Head Coach back; the referee had seen enough. It was rewarded Glancy’s suicidal perseverance controversy. In the first of the two, for- greeted by bewilderment from Oxford, David Byrne, that turned it in his favour. a fitting climax to a night of light blue even the Oxford audience was surprised. mer Cambridge Captain Aly D’Vaz was and anger from Cambridge. The stage had been set for the final domination. Long may it last. Footballers’ Varsity match hoodoo continues “In the first half I was playing with a injury time, having seen teammate Nat on a weekly basis and took charge of tac- wore their pristine green Blues blazers, Varsity Football smile on my face and at the bottom of my Armstrong miss an open goal from all of tics on match days. Ironically, it was some Harry Hughes was the black sheep: the OXFORD 2 heart I genuinely expected to win three two yards out. of his decisions that may have tipped the Queens’ man turned up (late) bedecked or four nil,” he said. “We were stroking Cambridge University men’s hockey scales in Oxford’s favour. “Looking back, in jeans, trainers and an unbuttoned CAMBRIDGE 0 the ball about and they looked scared.” Blues won promotion to the National I don’t think he made the most effective shirt. A white jacket and breathtakingly During that opening period Fairbairn League – an incredible feat – and yet the changes,” Fairbairn said. “I would have gorgeous girl rounded off the flash Gavin Versi himself twice went close as his team lasting impression of their season was brought Alex [Mugan] on and kept ensemble. While on the pitch his kalei- drove forward with purpose, but without one of dejection, thanks to defeat in the Johnny Hughes on. Bringing Davey doscopic skills caught the eye, here it reward. Early in the second period Mike Varsity match. Likewise, Fairbairn finds Harding off was very strange. I was real- was his stunning date that hogged his “I still can’t sleep at night. It’s taking me Adams, the revelation of the season, it difficult to put a positive spin on his ly shocked. It annoyed me.” teammates’ attention. a long time to get over. It’s like a found himself clean through and bearing season as captain, despite his side win- Curiously, the XI that had played After this match, Blues football will bereavement. When I think about the down on man-of-the-match Alex Hill in ning their BUSA division. together in the preparation matches was never be the same again. match in depth – it grates me so much.” the Oxford goal, only to see his shot “It doesn’t matter how you do during ripped apart at the last minute to accom- These are the words of Cambridge cap- blocked. “He’s absolutely gutted,” said the season. The Varsity match means modate a slightly more conservative Cambridge: Garrood; Devine (T tain Chris Fairbairn ten days after a Fairbairn. “He knows that if that had everything,” said Fairbairn, before laps- approach. Mugan, who had played in Hall), Lewis, Darby, McNally; J Hughes gut-wrenching 2-0 defeat to Oxford in gone in it could have turned into a rout.” ing into a familiar refrain. “It wasn’t that nine of the last ten games leading up to (H Hughes), Cairnes, Harding the 120th Varsity match. Soon after the miss, Oxford took an we lost, it was the manner that we lost. the showdown with Oxford, was left on (Chalmers), A Hall; Adams, Fairbairn. Twelve months earlier I had sat in undeserved lead when ex-Long Road We camped out in their half. We the bench, along with triple-Blue Tim front of distraught skipper Dave Harding student Matthew Lowe cut in from the camped. People say you get what you Hall. Fairbairn explained that neither On a personal note, after 25,000 words of as he poured his heart out in similar fash- left wing and slotted past Cambridge deserve and if you dominate a game like was fully fit. copy this is my last ever issue of Varsity, a ion. However, the difference here was keeper Joe Garrood. Almost immedi- that but don’t score then it’s your own The beneficiary of Mugan’s axing was newspaper that will forever remain close to that Fairbairn – unlike the bulk of his ately after, Harry Hughes was called off fault and to some extent I agree.” That Tom Cairnes, a postgraduate who scored my heart. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my predecessors – had approached the game the bench to replace namesake Johnny, he has now played and lost three Varsity the winner for Oxford in the 2000 reports as much as I’ve enjoyed writing positively, and for forty-five minutes at one of the better Cambridge players. matches adds gravity to his sentiment; Varsity match. He took a berth in the them. Thank you. least his plan was working. The enigmatic engineer did not disap- it’s certainly not a case of sour grapes, centre of midfield alongside Harding, point, wowing Upton Park with a brief but that Oxford have now tied the series while Gary Devine was moved to right- repertoire of samba skills, one of which at 46 wins apiece only adds to back. The recriminations of this tactical Page 22 – a dazzling dance of deception that Fairbairn’s woe. re-jig were still being felt at the post- Page 23 took out three defenders – drew a near Fairbairn and past Blues captains have match dinner, with Mugan rounding on standing ovation. long complained about the lack of fund- an apologetic Jefferies. Girton win However, the mercurial Cypriot, on ing the club receives, especially when The players’ attire at the event mir- Boat race his last ever outing for the University, was compared to sports such as rowing. This rored the dynamic in the squad league unable to unlock the Oxford defence, year, however, Mel Jefferies, a coach from throughout the season. While his controversy and Lowe added a break-away second in Cambridge United, followed the team straight-batting fellow team members