VOLUMECVII, NUMBER27 PASADENA, CALIFORNIA MAy 15,2006 .. . .. me e ts ctlvltles ot to Return to will beleft Ull()ompleted. When the puter room will stay put, but will room. A student shop will ,dis­ es": bare concrete rooms without BY: CHANDRA BARNETT doors open in/December. Antong be joined by the other three South place DDR, which will be moved flooring, wall coverings or ceil­ With only six months .left un­ the •• services.Which. must. remain Hovse ·labs, slated to take the to a space just south ofthe former ing tile, whose doors will remain til the projected completion of intheir tempo~aryhomes, or find place ofthe former darkroom and darkroom, and storage areas for locked to discourage tampering. tht; •• SQuth Hovse • renovations, newonesLart;the Coffeehouse Techil3ig T offices. These rooms, student construction will displace The exceptions. are liInited .. to students and administrators have and the art and music programs, in tum, will move into the hall­ the •mailroom· and .the .Health five large •• areas which, though begun to hammer out the mechan­ including •• the· recording·.· studio way formerly occupied l:>ytheart Educator's office. Themailroom not finished for occupancy, are ics of briIlgingthe. South Hovse and. •• the.silkscr~enin~room. and music offices. will mOve across the hallfrom the to be used. as storage by the RAs population home. However,bud­ SeniorD4"ector.of •Housing The ASCIT screening·room, in newBig T office; Health Educa­ and th.e. H9\1sing •Department. A getary constraints and unforeseen TiIn Chang and Brad Smith of orie ofthe more remarkable struc­ tor Jane Curtis will remain in het hallway in this area will also be expenses mean that not all of the Architectural Services explained tural alterations, will move· about location in the Center for Student re-routed to avoid an intruding exiles •will be returning to their the plans for the new SAC. The 10 feet northward, into. what was Services (CSS). ventilation duct. former digs. Due to the unexpect­ laundry room will be left intact, formerly the corridor •• connect­ ThenlUsic·al1d.·artwings,>be~ To accommodate/the services edly extensive need for asbestos as will DEI, the Prac.Phys. help ing DEI to the DDR room. This neath Fleming, will bear the brunt which will no longer be avail­ abatement in southern hyper­ lab, and the bike shop, but a con­ change, like many in the SAC, of the budget overrun. To cope able in the SAC, plans are in the space, significant portions of the solidated South Hovse Library is motivate~fl:>y the placement of with the rising costs of the reno­ works for a new Student Student Activities Center (SAC) will replace the former Coffee­ large air handlers in the space pre­ vation project, most rooms in this house location. Fleming's com- viously occupied by the screening area will be left as "locked box- CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

defeated at the onset as individuals could l1li Mesh Labor BY: JOHN MCNAMARA stick their finger though the mesh to open lever. Acrylic·plates were added to pre­ !J Mesh Materials Earlier in May, Housing passed a vent this, costing $1859.75. Later it was 13 Paint Materia Is $2404.08 cha:rge to the Stew¥dship Com­ found that jarring the gate would trigger 1i1iPaintLabor mittee for damages and upgrades done. to the locking mechanism. the gate to the modular units. These charg­ The repairs· were implemented as soon es include installing a kick plate,repairing Paint Labor as housing was aware of the damage and 31% a wire meshand repainting the fence. The charges were given to the· Stewardship repairs stem from damage that appeared Committee after they were incurred to on the gate when tht; locking mechanism housing, "we received it after the fact," was kicked to open the gate. commented Eddie Truong-Cao, chair of "We have these gates for a very good the Stewardship Committee. The lack reason- that is to protect life and prop­ of notification was explained by Chang: erty," said Tim Chang, director of hous­ "work needs to be done to a specific stan- ing. The gates were installed on the mod­ dard." While the typical policy is to allow ular units because of their proximity to students to fi)( damages before the physical Dt;lMarboulevard. Card access through plant is called, according to Chang, "this the gates was added in early October of is not something that they could fix." 2005. "While legal didn't mandate it...we According to the work order: "The wire Paint Materia Is thought it was the right thing to do," ac­ mesh has been tom from the bottom ofthe 0 % cording to Chang. Despite the electronic gate to approximately 2 feet up the side. security system, residents can go through The mesh can be easily be pushed open Mesh Materials the gates by climbing over the fence. Ac­ allowing someone to crawl through the 5% cording to Chang, "even though it's fairly opening. It is recommended that a solid easy to get in, it's still an obstacle." The security system on the gates was CONTINUED ON PAGE 3 Teachers Honored by ASCIT 10-15 people-and it got really ASCIT Movie Scheduled for Friday BY: MARISSA CEVALLOS hard at the end to choose between those." Despite Techer grumblings that Three of the nine winners were Students Select The Da Vinci Code this Year "Caltech professors can't teach," for teaching Math 1: Nathan Dun­ end up in student hands." last week stu­ field teaches BY: VIBHA LALJANI Tickets will be distributed dents awarded Prac Math this week through the house nine professors The ASCIT will be screen­ presidents. Ie, Po-Ru ing The Da.Vinci Code on and TAs with TA-ed Anal Caltechers are on their ASCIT teaching Friday, May 19th at 11 pm, at own. for transport to get to Mathlb,and the Pacific Hastings theatre. awards. Bob Pelayo the theatre. Gonzo said, The Academ­ 900 Caltechers will be able "This hasn't been a major TA-ed all to watch the movie on Friday. ics and Research three terms deal in the past, as there have Committee Chris "Gonzo" Gonzales, the been plenty of carpools go­ of Math 1. ASCIT Social Director said, (ARC) sent an Several~Il­ ing from eachl10use to the onlinY.~trrVey to "The. venue was.chosen be­ movie." thusiasMc cause its capacity gives. us ul;l4t'<~grads for frosh.can at­ In addition to paying for nomil1ations. enough tickets to ensure tht; the tickets, Housing •also tesLto how majority of the student body "Over 100 much they played a significant role. in people were gets a chance to .attend." arranging this event. Gonzo liked this Tickets are free for AS­ nominated for year's Math said, "All we had to do was professors, TAs, CIT members and priced at tell them that we wanted the 1 teachers. $1.00 for non ASCIT mem­ and mentors," " Pro f. movie to be The Da Vinci said Dan Lo, ARC representative bers. Gonzo said, "Hous­ Code and they took care of Dunfield is probably one of the ing has graciously paid for for Lloyd. "Part of the aWard is best math teachers I've ever the rest, both with arrange­ based on how many nominations these tickets, to distribute to ments and with funding. had-he's organized, and is pret­ the students. Seeing as these the teacher gets, but some people ty detailed with his examples. Their help has allowed the get amazing recommendations, tickets are already paid for, social team to focus almost Compared to other math profes­ it would be a waste to have and those are some of the people sors here, their lectures would entirely on other we look at. We had a lot of re­ any left over so I will try my hardest to make·sure all 900 ally good people-maybe like CONTINUED ON PAGE 4 CONTINUED ON PAGE 4

'VA.'-""",,>'JA. UU"lLU\"d.J.1" E3 Gaming Review A. ...A..!'"...... A.!'".J.... ",..., Inaugurates Poet Haryette Mullen visits Caltech Page 4 Advice Column Dean Currie seminar--Financial Aid Page 4 the Newest Consoles .All day run for fun Page 5 Page? Stream TV and legally 6 6 A third helr)ing 8 2 THE CALIFORNIA TECH MAY 15, 2006 nounce111ents

mandated by Bush's education BY: HAMILTON FALK Law. In addition Alaska, Dela­ ware, Idaho, Iowa, Minnesota, Indonesian Volcano Letter from IranAttacks Montana, Nebraska, North Caro­ Bush, Worldwide Democ­ Causes Thousands to Flee lina and Washington, plus the Homes racy District of Columbia and Puerto Iranian President Mahmoud Indonesia has raised the alert Rico will lose federal aide due to status of Mount Merapi to· the Ahmadinejad sent U.S. President a failure to improve adequately. George W. Bush a letter criticiz­ highest level, forcing evacuation The requirement that all teach­ of thousands of residents living ing American policy in Iraq,. sup­ ers of core subjects such as math port ofIsrael, and Bush's actions on the slopes of the volcano. The and history have a bachelor's de­ volcano, part of the Pacific "ring in response to the September 11th gree, state certification, and be attacks. The letter comes as ten­ of fire" has been rumbling for declared competent was met in several weeks, and locals have sions between the United States no states, due to failures to com­ and Iran are increasing due to reported thick smoke and flowing op row ong ply, but also a lack of accurate lava. While the "code red" alert Iran's likely nuclear program and or •complete data. In addition to PatrickHummel the Bush administration's per­ means that the volcano could Bottom row left to right: Dya Gekhtmau,. Emily Russell, Evelyn the nine states that have failed erupt within the next· 24 hours, ceived plans of a military resolu­ to make substantial progress, 12 Cheung and Po·Ru Loh. tion to the issue, instead of dip­ geologists are unsure if there will other states are still under review. be an eruption. The volcano, lo­ lomatic. The remaining 29 states have Some Iranians and Americans cated on the island ofJava, killed 2006 Undergraduate Academic Awards made. substantial. improvements, 70 people in a 1994 eruption and believed the letter would open and do not face sanctions, but still The Green, Froehlich, Haa­ ology, won the Arie J. Haagen­ communication between the two 1,300 in 1930. Army and Police gen-Smit, Sigma Xi and Zeigler Smit Memorial Award, which is are required to comply with the have evacuated approximately nations, but Secretary of State law in the near future. Awards were presented on May given .. to a chemist or biologist .. Condoleezza Rice rejected the 5,000 people, and the process 10, 2006, at a luncheon in the who has shown academic prom­ letter because it largely ignored seems to be going very smoothly. Athenaeum, hosted by Dean of ise and has made recognized con­ Tamil Rebels Warn Students John F. Hall and Associ­ tributions to Caltech. the nuclear issue and instead fo­ Truce Monitors to Avoid cused on attacking the policy of Bush May Deploy Na­ ate Dean Barbara Green. Each of PatrickHummel, a seniorinAp­ the Bush administration, The Travel by Sea tional Guard at U.S. Bor­ these awards comes with a cash plied Mathematics and Econom­ letter also claims America has a Tamil separatist militants have der prize and a certificate. ics, was selected for this year's Sigma Xi award. This award is repressive and cruel government warned European-led truce moni­ The pentagon may deploy as Po-Yin Huang, a junior in and should listen to world opin­ tors that they travel aboard Sri Biology and Robert Barish, a given to a senior for an outstand­ many as 5,000 National Guard sophomore in Computer Science ing piece of original scientific ion and change its ways. Lankan navy ships at their own troops along the border between risk. The warning comes shortly received the George W. Green research. Patrick will receive his addition to attacking Ameri­ the U.S. and Mexico to attempt to Prize. The Green Prize is award­ award at Commencement from can actions, the letter claimed that after a battle at sea that killed 19 reduce illegal immigration. Bush Sri Lankan soldiers and an un­ ed to an undergraduate student in President Baltimore. worldwide liberal democracy had plans to address the nation on any class for original research, an Ilya Gekhtman, a sophomore failed. It says that liberalism and known number ofseparatists. The Monday night to discuss immi­ three hour battle occurred when original paper or essay, or other in Mathematics has been chosen democracy "have not been able to gration policy as compromises in evidence of creative scholarship as this year's winner of the Fred­ help realize the ideals of human­ Tamil Tigers, the name of the Congress seem likely to allow the rebel group, attacked Navy fast beyond the normal requirements rick 1. Zeigler Memorial Award. ity. .. Today these two' concepts passage ofa new immigration bill. of specific courses. This award is given to a pure or have failed. Those. with insight attack boats escorting troops in The suggestion of troops along The Jack E. Froehlich Memo­ applied mathematics student in can already hear the sounds ofthe a passenger ship with a flotilla of the border is possibly a move to rial Award is for outstanding ju­ the sophomore or junior year who shattering and fallofthe ideology approximately 20 boats. The bat­ appease house Republicans upset niors in the top 5% of the class. has shown excellence in schol­ and thoughts ofthe Liberal demo­ tle was the first major fighting be­ about what they consider a bill Emily Russell, a junior in Physics arship as demonstrated in class cratic systems," tween government forces and Sri that favors illegal immigrants. It and Po-Ru Loh, a junior in Math­ activities or in preparation of an Lankan separatists since a 2002 is possible that active duty troops ematics, were selected this year. original paper or essay jn any truce that ended some two de­ could also be deployed along the Evelyn Cheung, a junior in Bi- subject area. Bush Education Law cades of civil war. The four year Unsuccessfqlin.AUStat~s border. peace. seems to be over as rebels No state in the U.S. will have a . attempting to create a separate Registration Begins on Thursday ev~ry Compiled from CNN, MSNBC and Ya­ highly qu31ified teacher in. stateforthe 3.2 million Tamils . Registrati()p will begin on May Conflict" link so that students can hooNews. core class this school year, as was and Govern1l1ent forces have be- 18 and run through June 2. We report time conflicts with required -A-S-C-IT-B-o-ar-..--o-f-D-I.-re-c-to-r-s---..;...-..;.....;...~..;...------1 have made a few upgrades to the courses to the Registrar's Office. u 3. Donut Team Salarlies * The Stewardship Committee and the REGIS fi h' d f Minutes from the Side Room in Chllll- * The BoD will be discussing salaries IRC are working very hard to find out system or t IS roun 0 . The Undergraduate Curriculum dler and bonuses with the Donut DevTeam *why* this cost thousands ofdollars and registration. They include: Committee is making a concerted Wednesday, May 10, 2006 very soon. There.wiU be more next time what the breakdown of the costs actually * We have removed pop-up effort to monitor class conflicts. on this. is. The BoD agrees that it is completely confirmations unless an action is Please report time conflicts if all Present - unfair to charge students thousands of needed. So, please tum off your Officers: Todd Gingrich, Jean Sun, RJ 4. Jean-Paul Revel Bench Ceremony dollars from all the Houses' .Damage sections of a required class con­ Krom, Vickie Pon, Csilla Felsen, Chris * The Jean-Paul Revel Bench that the Funds for large charges that are unclear pOp-Up blockers so you don't flict - not just the section that you Gonzales, Jonathan Senn, Nathan Don­ 2005-2006 ASCIT BoD ordered to hon­ as to how much was actually spent on miss important information like would prefer to take. nellan, Craig Montuori, Chris Watson or the prior Dean of Students, Jean-Paul fixing the broken gates themselves. the class is full or there is a time * We have corrected an error Guests: Mark Sullivan, Leo Stein, Julia Revel, is on its way to campus! The BoD * Todd has suggested that a new policy conflict. Ma, Erin White will put together a ceremony to present be implemented, which will strengthen that was occurring when the user­ the bench to Dean Revel in celebration the Stewardship Committee.and the com- * Safari browser will be sup- agent string was too large. 1. Funding Requests of his contributions to undergraduate munication between the undergrads and ported. * We have added first initial * Wow! We've been giving out a lot of student life at Caltech. More immedi­ Housing. He suggested when something * Graduate students will be to instmctor names ill the drop­ money lately (and we're still rolling out ate is the task of deciding where to put is damaged in a House, Housing can tell bl . 11 b h the dough)! the bench. Nate is working closely with the Stewardship Committee Representa- a e to regIster or ot summer downs. Keg Week: Mark requested ASCIT fund­ others on deciding where to have the tive for that House that the students of and fall terms simultaneously on * Departments will be able tQ ing for the annual undergrad seniors' bench (indoors) and the best time for a that House have a certain amount oftime, REGIS. have multiple option representa­ Keg Week. This year this \videly popular ceremony. say 2 weeks, to have students themselves *We have added a"ReportTime tives approve schedules. event will be bartended, and publicity fix the damage (if there is the possibil-. will be huge. The BoD discussed with 5: IMPORTANT: Student Affairs Meet­ ity that this may be done, such as what Thi~·W~·~k·i~··.....,····...·...,...... ·······························W~~"i~··· Mark how much money is needed for ing could have been the case with the Mods Keg Week overall, and that it is difficult * The BoD met with Margo Marshak gates). If the damage is not fixed by the the famous photo ofEinstein on a to decide on how much money to give this. week to discuss important issues end of those 2 weeks, then Housing may BY: AMEERA CHOWDHURY since each House will have a different concerning all undergrads. These are the go in and fix the damage,.charging the bike? Caltech will celebrate Bike type and number of kegs. A vote was two most important items that all under­ Houses' Damage Fund as needed. This are some of the many to Work Day on Wednesday, May taken to gr::mt Keg Week $440 (or $55 grads should be aware of: riot only could be more cost effective, ways in which L.A. and Caltech 17th. If you ride a bike to work, per House) from the Special Project Re­ but would be incredible incentive to take grab some free snacks at the serves: Vote approved (7Y/ON/IA). The STUDENT ACTIVITIES CENTER better care of the Houses overall. Basi­ will be celebrating Bike Com­ *. Leo and Julia asked to have funding (the SAC): cally, it is very important that there is mute Week, May 15th through Court of Man pit stop from 7:30 to take Prof. Necnan out to lunch along * The BoD wants to stress to everyone much *better and more communication* 19th. to 9:30 a.m. witp.20therundergrads. A vote \Vas that the Student Activities Center (the between the students and Housing on At lunch time, head to the Bike taken to grant funding for 4 undergrads SAC) which used to be located beneath how Housing is handling damage to the to Work Fair at San Pasqual Mall, to take Prof. Neenan out to lunch: Vote the South Houses will not be returning as Houses and what would be the best solu" L.A. County Bike Map: approved (8Y/ON/OA). we used to know it before the big move tion for everyone. Metro has just unveiled a new which runs from 11 a.m. to 1p.m. * Fleming Interhouse is coming up, to the Mods. Due to the lack of funding, * Also, the smoke bombs found in Rick· bike map that details all of LA The Rideshare Office will be raf­ and the theme will be Las Vegas! Erin a finished SAC will not be able to be etts. during South House renovations county's 1252 miles of bikeways. fling bike U-Iocks and other priz­ requested Interhouse Funding for flem­ completed for at least a few, if not many, earlier this year were reported to be es. There will also be free cake ing to help with this event. A vote was years. In the mean time, the Tech is do­ about 20 years old! The notion is that This fold-out map prominently taken to grant Fleming House $500 ing an investigation to look at how to use they are left over from a very old Ditch displays bikeways in bold col­ and giveaways such as patch kits, in Interhouse Funding: Vote approved what space will be available underneath Day stack. Half of the cost of damages ors, highlightsMetro rail and bus bike maps, reflectors, power bars, (8Y/ON/OA). the South Houses. for the construction workers subjected to routes, and shows the locations of and drinks. Pasadena Cyclery will * Jean reported that the Deans will fund * Then~ will be many activities that will the smoke bomb and to clean it up was be doing basic·tune-ups so show half of the BoC Honor Code Survey NOT be returning to the SAC, including paid for from all of the Houses' dam­ bike lockers and racks. The map printing costs, which totaled to $800. the music rooms, silk screening, publica­ age funds. This has already been settled is available online at metro.net, up with your bike! The BoD had decided earlier to fund tions offices for the Big T and the little t, for awhile, but it is another example of and the Caltech Transit Guide whatever it needed to for the Honor the ASCIT office, and the ASCIT screen­ exorbitant charges that are taken out of Ride Free on Metro: Code Surveys. A vote was taken to grant ingroom. the damage funds for each House, even (transitguide.caltech.edu) links theBoC $400 to cover Honor Code * To all undergrads: Read this upcoming when the "damage" was not caused by to it. You can pick up a hard copy Bicyclists ride free on Metro Survey printing costs: Vote approved Tech article on the SAC and let the BoD, current students. at Metro Customer Relation cen­ rail lines and buses on Thursday, (7Y/ON/IA). your House presidents, and the Tech hear * ASCIT, the IRC, and especially the ters or the Caltech Bike to Work May 18th. Most Metro buses can your thoughts! !! Stewardship Committee will be moving carry up to two bikes. You can also 2. FDAL Update quickly to resolve this issue of increas­ Fair on May 17th.. * The Movie Library is almost complete! The STEWARDSHIP COMMITTEE ing communications with Housing On bring your bike on Metro Rail or Chris W. reported that the software is and DAMAGE FUNDS students' housing wants/needs (in addi­ Caltech Bike to Work park your bike at one ofthe Metro not working on the laptop to be used * The RickettslDabneylBlacker Mods tion to resolving the charge of the Mods Day: Rail stations. To learn more about for keeping track of movie check-outs. gates were fixed by Housing recently. gates). taking your bike on Metro, visit It was decided that the movies will be Housing had the P-Plant do minor repairs Caltech has a long tradition of stored in the coffeehouse (that would be to the gates, which cost much less than Respectfully submitted, bike-riding scientists: Remember the Metro and Caltech Transit Chandler at present). He is also looking $50 in supplies. However, the gates were Vickie Pon Guide websites. into display cases for the movies so peo" also repainted (which cost hundreds of ASCIT Secretary pIe can access the movies more easily. dollars), and the labor charges were on the order of thousands of dollars. Housing Contracts Due May 26th THE CALIFORNIA TECH NEWS MAY 15, 2006 3 wait Distant~FutureStudent Center dent housing, and wide range of mates the average life cycle for The drawing and painting studio tice rooms. The silkscreen shop is CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 offerings for student.amusemeQ,t, a Caltech construction project at has a little less room, and is far­ small and cramped, barely large to occupy the space just north of the ,., Student Center seeIns .like three to four years, half of which ther from the Hovses, but is able enough for two to work at once Chandler. The building i,s slated the answ~r to all ofthestudents' must take place before any ground to enjoy lots of beautiful natural without knocking elbows. And we to include one traditional the­ problems.• However, many obsta­ is broken. This means that even if light. The Health Educator's of­ all feel the loss of our cozy, con­ atre, a few smaller performance cles stand intheway. the remaining financial resources fice has found a home in the CSS venient, coffeeless Coffeehouse ­ spaces, and gallery areas for stu­ First, only a little over half of are secured by September, no one which is almost as convenient for relegated to the echoing barn-like dent artwork. It will also house the $35M price tag has been iden­ currently at Caltech will enjoy the students, and a lot more comfort­ interior of Chandler, it has meta­ studio space for the fine arts pro­ tifieci to date, and having learned benefits of the new Student Cen- able. morplrosed from a relaxing, stu­ gram and the silkscreen shop, its lesson from the recent budget ter. So what are we to do in the But these are the minority. dent-managed basement hangout individual music practice rooms mean time? ' Musicians on campus find that into lunclr, late at night, with less and larger band rooms, dedicated proplems,. Caltech will not pro­ spa<;eS. formanyCaltechchlbs, ceed)Viththe '. development •• cycle A few former South Hovse den- they must tote their instruments a food. Plans as they stand call for and offices for all. ofthe art and llntil all ofthe fUIldinghasbeen izens have found that their !pove significant distance down public most of these services to remain music.program'staff. The Coffee­ s~cured. As the projectis current­ out of the SAC was not all bad. streets ifthey want to use the prac- in their temporary location for house will also find a permanent lycompeting forfundswithsev­ the foreseeable fu­ home her~. AJthoughth~ footprint erall1e)Vr~search<;~ntersandth~ ture - the exception will be small - only as big as the project~d North" HoUs~ renova­ is the Coffeehouse, architectural planning •building tions, it may be some time before which may move to whichcllITently •occupies '. that all ofthe resources are in place. the Red Door until area - plans call for the center to Second, the South Hovse reno­ the Student Center is extend several stories both above vations have made us all familiar ready, but even this and below ground, giving. every­ with the1engthy process involved is still uncertain. one enough room to work and' in completing construction on If the feelings of play in comfort. campus. Ass't. •• VPfor Devel­ the affected staff are With its size, proximity to stu- opment Robert. McQuinn .esti- mixed'onthe mat­ ter, student opinion is far nearer to una­ nimity. ASCIT Pres­ ident Todd Gingrich explains, "Since the student center will not be ready for a number ofyears it is goingto beimportant that the basement of the South Hovse complex serve as the activity center like it did in the past." Were it merely a matter of space, students would be more understand­ ing that a lot of the activities formerly housed downstairs would have to new locations. How­ ever, it is difficult to watch new build­ ings like the Cahill center going up all around campus and being met with luke­ warm receptions, while portions ofthe SAC, which require only some finishing touches' and which every single under- graduate on campus would enjoy and use, -----,..--;---,~------, remain uniJihabit­ Student Rooms able due to lack of Unused Rooms funds. Maintainance Rooms

JOSHUA TREE COMPOUND

This unfurnished 2 1/2 acre desert ranch is available for you charges are levied to the house nors CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 damage funds. According the Ed­ and steele kick plate be installed..." In die, when "Mike Raven and Tim iately! astornomer friends! addition to the "steele kick plate," Chang bring [the damage amount] the wire mesh was repaired, take to us...however we decided to The electronic ing up the labor total to $1538.00. divide that number [amongstthe telescope pad is The paint job rounds out the ad­ houses] is up to us." The total ditional charges. amount charged to the houses is ready for your pro The stewardship committee fixed as there is "no mechanism scope. The night sky is looking into the charges with in place to protest Tim Chang." the physical plant before these in North Joshua Tree is fabulous. Main SAT Instructors Wanted.. $301hr PT. R~q.!1ires 99th percentile on College Board aq­ house,guesthouse Illimstered SAT. Call 800-696-5728 xI80,E-mml and artist studio. ·[email protected]. More info at: Contact Victoria at www.testmasterssat.com. 323-462-1806 or GMATand GR..Elnstructors Wanted.$40/hr For Sale: 1997 Green Subaru Outback Wagon, [email protected] PT. No teaching experience required. Requires 99th percentile only 43,000+ miles, 5-speed automatic, fair for more information. on College Board administered test: OMAT-750 or higher, ORE Math-800, ORE Verbal-740 or higher. E-mail resume,cover c.ondition - some exterior damage, $6,800 or best $1100.00 a month for letter, and official score report to [email protected]. offer. Call'david (626) 792-1070 a yearly rental. THE CALIFORNIATECH NEWS MAY 15,2006 inancial Students ---.:=-----.....------Why is finaid changing? *Structural budget defici.t CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 * Finaid sources are not growing at is fourth in a series ofar- just confuse us. His lectures are the same rate as student needs. The actually clear and it seems like ticles covering Dean Currie's semi­ cost of attendance has increased nar on Caltech finances. the majority of the class under­ more rapidly than the financial aid stands," said Ekta Bhojwani. The details of financial aid are endowment has grown. important to a large percentage of * Caltech has been significantly "Bob Pelayo was my Math Id Caltech undergraduates. It is com­ more generous than other top 10 professor-not having as much of monly known that tuition continues private research universities, and a math background as most peo­ to rise at a greater rate than that can no longer afford to be. ple at Caltech, I feel like he put in of inflation, and over the past few a lot of effort to get up to speed," years, the percentage of students on Almost all finaid is Caltech said Aimee Gillespie. need-based financial aid has been money from restricted gifts and en­ "Bob was a great TA; probably increasing, from 55% in 1999 to dowment; there is some federal and the best that I have had. It was a 59.5% today. To this segment of Cal Grant money, but this is a very pleasure being in his class and I Caltech's undergraduate popula­ small fraction, and decreasing. have sought to continue to at­ tion, a more pertinent number than Will self-help increase again, tend his section, even when not the nominal tuition are the students' after this jump in price? Currie family contribution and "self-help" assigned to it. He seems to genu­ states that the point of the current inely care whether students un- portion. .. increase in tuition and self-help is In calculating famIly contnbu­ .derstand the information or not," to "take all the pain at once." Cur­ said Kevin Noertker, a frosh. tions, Caltech considers a number rie enumerates factors that will de­ ofcriteria, including family income, "Pelayo would send us week­ termine whether self-help increases ly emails recapping what we'd number ofdependents ofthe family, again; the net funds •needed from number of childrenin college, the learned, and offering hints on the students depends on new gifts, the problem sets," said Gillespie. net value ofthe family's assets, and endowment's increase or decrease, any special circumstances. Among the federal government's decisions Even undergraduate TA's got the factors that Caltech does not in funding colleges and collegiate the nod from the ARC commit­ consider, unlike other universities, students, and the earning capacity tee-Po-Ru Loh, described by is home equity. Caltech also does of students (e.g., inflation). Says fellow Wisconsin Techer Kevin not look at the parents' retirement Levy, "Caltech will continue to Watts as "a local legend in Madi­ accounts, beyond what the parents look at self-help levels every year, son, Wisconsin," earned consider­ contributed to that account in the and there's no guarantee that they able respect from frosh after only prior calendar year. won't go up again." TA-ing one term of math. According to David Levy, the In addition to the increase in "Po-Ru always knows. what's Director of Financial Aid, self-help self-help, other financial aid and tu­ going on and tries his bes~ to level is the best way to understand ition changes are also taking pl~ce. explain concepts and descnbes price comparisons betweenuniyer­ Miscellaneous expenses (clothmg, different ways about how to ap­ sities, because parental contnbu­ entertainment, sundries but not proach a pr<.'blem when we'~e tion is nearly the same at any. At .travel) and weekend meal figures Caltech, a student on financia.l aid stuck," said han Fung, a frosh III have decreased, because students Avery. is currently expected to contrIbute said they weren't spending these $3150-$3250 per year, and choos­ However, frosh are not the only amounts and to match other univer­ Techers who still like math- up­ fraction consists of loans sities' allowances. Travel funding what of work. Most Techers on Rocky Velez said will not be affected; it depends on professor Niles finaid choose to borrow, citing where one and assumes two addiLtion to recogl1lizulg have little time to work. roundtrip airfares and is set year to Pierce you want to go to the 2001-2002 academic year market not only because the mate- year, Caltech eliminated the sum- Additionally, newfrosh will have is but because it's mer component of finan- to insurance ($1815) aCDllalJly irlteI'esting when he lec- cial aid increasing grant aid, separate from tUItIOn..(.no WaIver tures. b in order to make Tech's finaid pack­ is allowed); students will "Dr. Pierce is passionate a out for ages more attractive. Elit;nination not be affected. fee for frosh his and it shows tre- of summer earnings reqUIrements Sciences at Ryan Farm- is lumped in with "student. fees," mt~ndou:sly, not only through his BEM major, said that is paIticularly significant, which also includes money for the lectures, through his students "Warren Brown has a talent for students receiving net~a-Da,;eu IVIt~AJlee "excels in two fronts: in the same opportunities to do re­ Big T, ASCIT dues, Hovse dues, as wen. I mean, really, how many leading a discussion, than the classroom and as a mentor." search and take unpaid internships andthe Caltech Y. Caltech professors get applause lecturing, making his class "When I first approached him as their fellow students without Caltech will continue to practice on the last day of classes?" .said enjoyable and educational. His about becoming my advisor, he worrying about summer earnings. need-blind admissions for US stu- Velez. also the only class where a theo­ was worried he wouldn't have Caltech was the only top 10 re­ dents and meet full demonstrated Not all of the awards were retical society that worshipped enough time. I didn't understand search school to not require sum­ financial need. Only about· 20 given in math and science. For a the Flying Spaghetti Monster and what he meant until I found out mer earnings. However, beginning schools do this nationally, accord- school filled with students thrilled the Great Squirrel God was con­ he was interested in meeting once in 2006-07, Caltech will expect all ing to Currie. However, admissions to be away from the humanities, it sidered and its aspects dissected," a week, with our meetings lasting students on finaid to save a mini­ are need-sensitive for international is rare to find students so inspired said Glenn Wagner, a frosh who an hour or more frequently," said mum of $1,500 from summer earn- students. While full need is met for by medieval history- but Warren took Hum 3 (European Civiliza- Farmer. ings. . international frosh, no funding will Brown manages to do it. f B be made available for internationall t_io_n...:.)_._J.io_m ro-w-:n:-:;. -=-=::-::-_-::-__-.::;:::;_:;----'_--:;-_ While self-help has not been ns­ transfers and 3/2's, beginning in I- ing year to year with tuition, ~t is set 06-07. to rise in the coming academIc year The amount a student pays af­ (family contributions will remain ter finaid is set without reference steady). For continuing students, to tuition, but Techers also notice the figure will increase $500 to that tuition continues to rise year $3750, and a $1500 summer earn­ to year at a rate greater than that of Poet Harryette Mullen visited ings component will be added, for a inflation. Currie points out that it's total change from $3250 to $5250, Caltech last Thursday through the hard to tell what tuition or the cost sponsorship of the Words Matter still less than most comparable of attendance should be, since they schools. program. Mullen's visit included could be increased arbitrarily and lunch with faculty, a visit to a Caltech has tried to minimize the the class would still fill, especially impact on current stud~nts, phas­ creative writing class, and dinner given that much of this mOl~ey is with students followed by a poetry ing in major changes WIth the new paid from Caltech to Caltech m the frosh. For next year, frosh will need reading in Dabney Hall. form ofgrant aid. Currently, market "Apoet cannot receive so many to come up with $5500 during the prices are used as a reference point; school year plus $1500 in su~m~r awards if admiration was not only cost of attendance is not meant to deep, but broad," said Judith Hall, earnings: $7000 per year. ThIS IS be even with what it costs to edu­ roughly equal to the self-help levels introducing Mullen to a crowd cate a student at Caltech--Currie in Dabney Hall. Mullen read se­ seen at other top research schools. estimates this amount to be about $86k er ear. . lections from her poetry books, including Muse and Drudge, Trimmings and Sleeping with the Dictionary, which was a National Book Award Finalist. on So we started there CONTINUED PAGE 1 "It was· a very nice change of by to see what contacts pace from everything you have to such as while knowing the we had to be able to show a new do at this school," remarked Sean movie was in competent hands." movie on campus. Unfortunately, Mattingly, an undergraduate at­ Decades ago, the ASCIT movie tending the reading. Mullen agrees. it was not possible due to licens­ ney event used to be the responsibil­ ing and movie studios' red "Most art slows you down," she commented. "You start noticing ity of the Movie Chair. ASCIT tape. So buyingtickets to a theater phy" begins with "K was burn and borhood and makes it "nervous owned a projector and the movie things that are a little bit weird." the bend of the ear in the mouth self-conscious tense." Mullen tries and have our students go to the Mullen's poetry was well received would be screened on-campus. theater was the alternative. Ever of Remember." Reading it to dig into the dictionary for ~er by the crowd Thursday, as hearing changes to was born and poetry. "I like the process of go~ng In the early 80s and late 90s the since then we have been to her reading own words gave event would take place every end ofthe year in the month ofDe­ through the dictionary and bemg financially support the AS­ them clearer meaning. "I just love cember." surprised by what I find there.". weekend! At that point, the mov­ CIT movie. We wanted to do to listen to poetry," said English "The eye and the ear are in con­ Mullen's visit is the "first tIme ies were screened in the Baxter because there are few other professor Kevin Gilmartin. flict in that poem," she explicated. the renovated Dabney Hall is used However, these Mullen's poetry involves the events that can potentially get all Her poetry, like a HHWH'" event," according to not new movies. eccentricities of language and winds around to chair of the Words the UG students at the stringing together known phrases In 2000, Tim Chang and Tom same time." back around to the "Writers find to evolve new meanings and go to looking at it with different venue," Mannion helped the BoD set up to Craig Montouri for new ideas. "This is a book about tation. In "Mantra for a Classless noted Kevin Though the event we know today. Tim the evolution of and how we process ChaIlg said, "The idea came from Society, or Mr. Roget's Neighbor­ Caltech is not in the center of the H"~ n''''''~L'' movie event over the larlgu.ag,e," she remarked about hood," Mullen moves from a "cozy literary expect more writers one with the students and years. the For comfortable be­ to visit in the their to show a ginning to this me:taIlho,rical -==-__T_H_E_C_A_L_IF_O_R_N_IA_T_E-:-C_H-----'- ~C~O..LM.!...!.A:J,M~ENTARY MAY 15,2006 5

ing the character or disposition Techers have to put up with, but onse to th.e nonyBtous (ivad harmed by pampering or overso- past articles by fellow students affectpeople's response to a vast However, one of the common licitous attention. Synonyms in­ have made it clear enough. Oth­ BY: TIONGNEO range of issues ranging from the complaints among students is the clude "coddled" and "pampered". erwise, I defer to someone else to cost and quality of roomJboardto quality ofteachinghere in Caltech. Spoiled college students do not illuminate it. financial aid to the expectations There is no doubt that there are a go through the kind of pressure Lastly, I agree that "whining Dear Editors, or being negative is not very at­ I refer to the article titled "Stop ofquality ofeducation here. few good teachers around, but· I and workload we go through. It is I admit that the actions of the think that it is the general con- not reasonable to compare Tech­ tractive". But I find it encourag­ Complaining" by the anonymous ing that some ofthis whining has graduate student in last week's student body are less than per- sensus that students are generally ers with the average American fectly unselfish, but to me, I see it let down. Every student has way college student as Anonymous helped draw attention to the need issue of The Tech. I'm glad that for more effective communica­ Anonymous is finding his time as an encouraging sign compared more than their fair share of hav- seems to. to the scenario of general apathy. ing to struggle with the D)aterial I am also irked by the prevalent tion. As unattractive as they may as a grad student as "one of the be, they helped bring attention best times of [his] life". Howev­ agree or not very at- to some of the problems in the er, I disagree with several of his school and perhaps led to their points. tractive." But it encouraging that some ofthis.whining has resolution. Right off the bat, Anonymous helped draw attention ... for more effective communication." Of course, positive means of has noted that he/she has a sti­ response do exist and are pre­ pend which is "enough to pay ferred and should be encouraged for the basic expenses and even feeling that "everything has to be in preference to negative actions. save a little." Hewent on to add When osh, a senior told ontheir own and with friends be­ me that th hool is going from cause the classes were not helpful approved by the legal office" and I would like to take this time to that together with tuition, he con­ applaud and thank all those who sidered it "very reasonable pay". bad to worse and he was glad or made worthwhile to attend. the general administrative crack­ to be leaving the place. Now as Anonymous goes on to state down on student freedoms. I· am have made tremendous effort to However, as far as I know, under­ improve the quality ofstudent life graduates are in a completely dif­ a senior, I do share some of his that handing out of certain perks not saying that we should be free to act illegally, but this attitude in Caltech. You have my deepest ferent situation. sentiments and I'll be graduating to students is wasteful. For a lot of with a worry in my heart that this students, myself included, some runs counter to the spirit of free­ gratitude. Undergrads are not given a sti­ Life as' a undergrad is not a bed pend, about half of all students school is becoming less and less "so-called" perks are not perks, dom' and adventure in the aca­ the Caltech that past alumni are but necessities. I would like to demic and non-academic pursuits of roses. Some part of my time are on some sort of financial aid here is the best part of my life and the rest aregenerally paying proud to have belonged to. know which benefits Anonymous of the Caltech community. Land­ mark acts like the Hollywood (and conversely, some parts not out of their own or their families' I do agree withAnonymous that considers as perks and which as and Rosebowl pranks and break­ the best times of my life). It is my pocket. In this ,respect, Anony" money could have be used more wasteful. throughs in research would not be main worry that further classes mous is being paid very reason­ efficiently. Anonymous feels that I don't think that Techers are "the main goal of Caltech should spoiled, as Anonymous implies. possible without this spirit. of Techers will be denied their ably (in other words, on positive opportunity to make their time income) while we, the under­ be research and teaching, not According to dictionary.com, to At this point, I realized that I couldbechallengedtojustifywhat , and education in Caltech the best grads, are in debt to the school. handing out perks that we cannot be spoiled is to be treated with times of their lives. I This fundamental difference can afford to pay for in the long run". excessive indulgence or hav- pressure, workload and sacrifices

the doubled-triple digits as well, for myself if I want to repeat it, depending on exactly what that Chris. Thanks.) phrase means. Techers, as always, found new Despite my mockery (both here and creative ways express their and during the event), the KEL­ inner immaturity through KEL­ ROFers (not to be confused with ROE This includedrollerblading, a related but hula-hooping, shopping-cart-rid- distinct tern1) seemed to enjoy' rolling-stool-pushing, magic­ their under sun. When I carpet-riding, bubble blowing, BY: MARK .c."',-

535 S. Lake Pasadena (626) 792-6634 A!wa s 20% offfor all Caltech students staff. facul 6 THE CALIFORNIA TECH FEATURES MAY15, 2006 will take advantage of the new ,Included with the machine be­ controller. Showgoers who have yond the unique Cell processor ewest Gaming ech Unveiled at E3 had the opportunity to us~ the and the nVidia powered GPU is WH controller have a Blu-Ray disc drive, one of the BY: TOM TSAI praised its ease of contenders for the next-genera­ l use and intuitiveness. tion video disc format. Unfortu­ Last week the Los Angeles () Thus, Nintendo hopes nately all this technology comes Convention Center transformed ~ that it will be able to at a price. into the ultimate gaming mecca ~ corral more people to The PS3's flagship model is as game developers, hardware g, its platform. priced at $599, a good chuck of manufacturers, buyers, and me­ ' With a fall 2006 change considering the demo­ dia, as well as some lucky gamers f o_ release date" the Wii graphic of garners. gathered together for the annual promises to be the Sony is, however, confident Electronic Entertainment Expo, most affordable gam­ in its ability to'bring to the con­ or E3. Every spring since 1995 ing console of all sumer the absolute best audiovi­ thistradeshow has brought som~ three companies. sual experience. Like Microsoft's of the biggest spectacles in the Speculation states XBOX360, the Playstation 3 is gaming world and this year prom­ that it will be priced designed with the high-definition ised no less than some ofthe most at $250, while a Sega television in mind, boasting abil­ exciting announcements yet, executive had dared to ity for output in 1080p resolution Headlining everything is the surmise an even lower at 60 frames a second, even better heated console war between price at $199, mak­ than the nop and 1080i resolu­ Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo. ing the WH a popu­ tions that the Microsoft box puts Last year at E3, all three compa­ lar choice for budget out. nies announced their entrants for Nintemlo has emphasized its desire to expand the demographics ofthe gam~ minded people. Look Sony claims that the PS3 is next generation gaming consoles. ing audience to include more women and families. for it to make a big more than just a gaming machine Since then, only Microsoft has splash in the coming but a complete multimedia expe­ come out with the XBOX360 in year, for it definitely tion was introduced back in 1993, Instead the company that rience and justifies its decision, m November.oflast year, while both stole the show at this year's E3. the Japanese company that was brought us Mario, Donkey Kong, produce such a costly machine. Sony's Playstation 3 and Ninten­ once synonymous to gaming has and Zelda has decided to empha­ Ken Kutaragi, widely regarded do's Wii (previously called Revo­ size on innovating gameplay and SONY as the "fatherof the Playstation," lution) were kept under wraps. redoubled its efforts and intro­ duced the WH, successor to the the user experience, hoping a new In contrast to the Nintendo Wii, has even said that the PS3 is per­ This year both Sony and Nin­ Gamecube. way of gaming will rein in not the Playstation 3 is a behemoth of haps "too cheap." tendo have come to play. With all only the hardcore gamer boys, a machine. Already industry watchers are of them throwing veiled insults However, instead of directly competing with the financial and but also the casual garners, girls, Currently the market leader in questioning Sony's pricing strate­ back and forth, it's time to see technological clout of both Sony parents, and even grandparents. the gaming console sector, Sony gy and ifSony's executives are not what each company has to back and Microsoft, the Wii doesn't The name "Wii itself implies has taken the attitude of "the next careful the Playstation 3 may fal­ up its claims. have the most powerful processor gaming as a community in "We." generation doesn't begin until we terin this very tense console war, or graphics unit, thus not support­ With this new console, Nintendo say it does" and produced a con­ especially with the XBOX360's Nintendo ing the high definition resolutions has introduced a completely dif­ sole that is potentially more pow­ being introduced a year earlier While Nintendo hasn't been that both Microsoft and Sony have ferent controller in the form of a erful than either the Wii or even and the Wii's low price. the same ever since the Playsta- emphasized over the past year. remote and "boomerang," bring­ the XBOX360, with a theoretical While some may be taken ing motion sensing capabilities floating point ability ofjust about and offering garners an uncon­ 2 teraflops. Continued on page 7 ventional playing experience. The company hopes to use this controller in ways the industry has never yet conceived of, ex­ trapolating the idea of games beyond shooters and fighters and extending it to conducting vir­ tual orchestra concerts and sword fighting. Among some of the games to take advantage of this new con­ troller is the highly anticipated The Legend oj Zelda: Twilight Princess, which allows the user to control Link with pinpoint ac­ curacy. Super Mario Galaxies and Metroid Prime: Corruption also give Samus and everybody's favorite plumber their debuts, on the Wii. Red Steel, a first-per­ son shooter from Ubisoft,gives Nintendo's new boomerang controller and remote promises to Nintendo its first mature-themed revolutionize the gaming experience. title on the WH.' All these titles

Technology Review way to watch any episodes that these shows. At the least, here's a you missed, ABC has only put up reasonable way for time-crunched the past couple episodes for each Techers to support the networks The eWLegal ay to Watch TV series, except that Alias and Com­ while watching the shows. And if mander-in-ChieJseem to have all I do get hooked on any ofthese BY: DAVID CHEN the episodes for the latest season. series, I can watch the latest epi­ ~ By using Flash Player as the sode the day after', the network As a Techer, you probably ~ delivery platform, there are some premiere. don't have time to watch televi­ ~ trade-offs. Most importantly for One other drawback right now sion shows except for a few epi­ i ABC is that they can ensure that is that there's no login mecha­ sodes you may download off Bit­ ~ videos are streamed (ie. it's fairly nism. So if you unlock parts of Torrent. "" difficult to capture the videos). an episode once and go back in a Thanks to ABC, which is actu­ t This means that you need to be later session,.you'llneed to watch ally owned by Disney, American ~. connected online the whole time another ad. Also, ABC has, lined audiences can watch full-length ~ you watch the video, but your up only about 10 sponsors right episodes ofABC's four top shows ~ Caltech connection will easily now, so if you get hooked on this for free, with only two minutes of ~ provide the bandwidth needed. service like me, you'llend up see­ ads scattered in between. ~ 'ABC has hired Limelight Net­ ing ads multiple times. It would The technology used is not the ~ works to handle the distribution, have made sense for viewers to greatest, but by using Flash Player ~ so latency is fairly low. login so that ABC can show more 8, ABC can maintain tightcontrol [ Flash Player 8 also does not targeted ads, although this might of its content. Files are streamed ~. have a built-in -way to watch in occur later once more advertisers at either 500x282 resolution at full screen. What I found easi­ sign up. 400 kilobytes' per second or at est was to lower the resolution to Forreference, BusinessWeek re­ 700x394 at 700 kbps. Both these The episodes appear in a browser via Flash Player 8. 800xMO, so that the video frame ported in its November 21,2005, resolutions deliver the video at a fills up most ofthe screen. issue that ABC makes an equiva­ 16x9 aspect ratio (the ratio used they're decently enjoyable. Many to skip around, but if you try to of. the ads stream videos within jump past the sections that you The upside of Flash Player is lent of 45 cents per viewer per in HDTV), which is significantly that's its available on practically episode ofDesperate Housewives better than the episodes' offered t~emselves, such as movie pre- have unlocked, you'll be forced VIews, that last longer than the 30 to' watch the intervening ad. On any platforln (Linux users will via conventional broadcast adver­ off iTunes at 320x240 resolution have to use WINE). tising, and earns around $1.20 per for $2 per episode. seconds, but there's a button that the other hand, you can use this lets users get back to the show as as a strategy to watch all the ads The video quality is good episode downloaded offiTunes. By streaming in Flash, ABC enough for me, although it does ABC is running this experiment can force viewers to sit through soo~ as 30 seconds is up. In fact, first, and then enjoy the episode I enjoyed most ofthe ads enough without interruptions. pale to the HDTV movies that for May and June and then -will 30 second commercials that are you usually find offBitTorrent. take down the episodes until the spread about 8 minutes apart. In that I let them finish. Once you The shows that are offered cur­ fini~h an ad, the show is unlocked rently are Desperate Housewives, More importantly, however, Fall Season, so interested viewers fact, the ads take advantage ofthe the convenience factor means should try it soon at http://dynam­ interactivity that Flash allows, so until w~ere the next ad is placed. Lost, Commander-in-ChieJ, and The lllterface allows viewers Alias. While this would be a great that I'm actually willing to watch ic.abc.go.com/streamingllanding. THE CALIFORNIA TECH MAY 15, 2006 7 Ask-a-Prof with eends and Too Much omewo tone than he intends. Or if he ac­ time you meet in public; then, at homework and come to class, for a couple of days this week, BY: DR. 1I7D(r~'1rT1'l.lV HAUGEN cepts, it might be a long time be­ the close of a more normal con­ or to not do the homework and and I wasn't able to do my home­ fore he speaks to you again. versation, you can reveal that you not come to class? work in time. I'mvery sorry about Welcome to our new feature Instead, launch a subtle, think it's been great to see him. A: Come to class, 10 times out this. " Yet it wouldbeequally good where you can ask a different pro­ gradually titrated combination Arid so on. Until he's convinced of 10, but make sure you quietly to say simply, "Professor, I'm re­ fessor each week all you want to of Wounded Innocence and the that he's master of the situation apologize to the instructor before ally sorry, but I couldn't finish my know. Email us at tech@caltech. Charm Offensive. Don't write, and of himself, he'll find it nearly the class starts. Benefit to you: homework on time this week." edu your questions and suggested don't call, and don't speak about impossible to change his mind. the instructor is likely to be think~ Have you been reading this profs to ask. him to others except in vague Good luck. ing intensely about other things, carefully? Have you gotten the terms that reflect impeccably on Of course, if you really want­ so no serious conversation about impression that it's the apology Q: My boyfriend just broke up you. ed to make him apoplectic, you your homework will ensue. we actually care most about? That with me and I really want to get If in three weeks he still hasn't would date one ofhis friends. But If you're not specifically' told would be the right impression. back together. Should I offer gotten in touch, you telephone if he's well adjusted, that. would that it won't be accepted late, try him a sexual favor? and initiate a calm, polite conver­ also cause him to move. on deci­ emailing the homework as soon Q: How often should I do my A: Most definitely not! You need sation about nothing in particular. sively. after class as possible (with more laundry? to adapt your tactics to his prob­ (Yes, you telephone! Email is On that subject: are you con­ apologies) and see what happens. able state of mind. Right now, at lethal for these purposes; a mo­ vinced this person is worth such Do you give excuses? Thinking A: How much underwear do you best, he feels intolerably ambiva­ ment's thought will reveal to you a long campaign of stealth? (And them up could be entertaining, have? lent about you, and as a result, he's its grave structural flaws.) celibacy?) You say he dumped especially if you drew on chaos reminding himself several times a This telephone conversation you: doesn'tthat raise fundamen­ theory. But brevity is best, even Kristine Haugen is an Assistant Profes­ sor of English in the Humanities and So­ day that he doesn't want the two lasts ten minutes or less, includ­ tal questions about his judgment when your excuse is completely cial Sciences Division. In her spare time, of you to get back together. ing the junctures when you pause and his taste? Most peoplew(}uld legitimate. she listens to too much reggaeton, eats too Ergo, ifyou make the offer, you to let him to say he misses you, if say you can do even better. At the outer reach of prolixity, much sushi, and shows an unseemly en- ' thusiasm for the advice columnns of Dan paint him farther into his corner. he's so inclined. you might say something like, Savage and Ivana Trump. He refuses, maybe in a harsher Otherwise, wait until the next Q: Is it better to not do the "I'm really sorry, but I was sick Music Review own grave." cartoon talk bubble would say. I washed up. He has the roots and Yes, Morrissey wins-are you don't know about you~ but I'm the potential to take his music to even surprised? The guy is sad too busy thinking (and laughing) a higher level, but he chooses to Steve MorrisseySto ALLTHE LIVELONG DAY and about Morrissey having dynamite write these nutty songs that make he makes a pretty good living out for 'nads to actually feel remotely me question his sanity. Either, of it. In fact, he's released a new sad. he's lazy and writing these songs BY:CINDYKO album this year, Ringleader ofthe Faithful Moz fans would point because it's the first thing off the Tormentors. out that this is his own brand of top of his head, or he's delusional Ringleader of the Tormen­ Overall, the album is what sardonic humor, but please-isn't and he thinks this is good. tors~ Morrjssey (2006, Attack you'd expect: lengthy, ridiculous he a little old for this? Actually, One thing is clear: Morrissey is Records) song titles ("I'll Never Be Any­ , for all I care, he can make music past his prime. This was a chance body's Hero Now" and Just like this for the rest of his career for him to perpetuate the momen­ Last year, SPIN music maga­ Want to See the Boy Happy"), and he probably will. tum from his 'comeback,' but zine had a humor article featur­ cheesily mopey lyrics ("... let's Don't get me wrong, I have Ringleader is far from where he ing rock music's most depressed faceit, I'm going to die soon..."), reverence and respect for his should be going. Enh, to be hon­ figures, compared together on a and of course, Morrissey's dis­ former band, the Smiths, and for est, he's already earned such a Mope-o-Meter. The important tinct, trumpety vocals. The singles Morrissey, as well. You don't be­ faithful fan base, that it probably stuff is reprinted here for your offofthe album are catchy, but all come as iconic as Morrissey for doesn't matter what he records viewing pleasure: because I know I can't beat the that aside, it kind of stinks. absolutely nothing. Back in the for the rest of his career. He's SPIN Magazine's Mope-O­ robots." Sometimes it feels like Mor­ day, he, with his funny hair and still Morrissey, and he's doing his Meter 3) Heavy on the Mope-o-Me­ rissey isn't being serious with his funny voice, invented the kind of job. 1) Light on the Mope-o-Me­ ter: Robert Smith -- "I would music. I mean, at one point in the emo that black-haired goth kids t<'//#,w//#////#,w#///#,w#/#AW//1< ter: John Mayer -- "Sometimes hang myself, but the noose is too album, he says, " ...there are ex­ live by; his songs, like their Bible leaving for college can be a bum­ pretty for me." ~ ~ plosive kegs. between my legs... of Boohoo. ~ ~ mer." 4) Ultra on the Mope-o-Meter: dear God, please help me." Ijustfeel like Morrissey's stuck ~ C ~ 2) Medium on the Mope-o­ Morrissey -- "I'm Bosad, but I'll Uhhh, are we supposed to buy in a teenage .depression rut, and ~ . ~ Meter: Thorn Yorke -- "I'm sad make it up to you by digging my that? It sounds like something a it's frustrating to see. him a little ~///#//#/#/////#/#/////#/#////////~ eneration ofGame Consoles Get Most ofthe Buzz Continued from page 6 aback by the gargantuan price of for the PS3 include those of the in the market. They first did so by the PS3, fans that have stood by Final Fantasy series, such as the introducing their next generation the Playstation platform over the newly announced Final Fan­ XBOX360 to the market before years are certainly not fazed by tasy XIII. Beyond that, Sony has both Sony and Nintendo. the big dollar signs because of the announced Warhawk, a flying The 360 remains as of now great set of platform-exclusive combat game that takes advan­ the only next generation console games that Sony has amassed tage of the new motion-sensing available to consumers today over the years. capabilities of the PS3 controller, and is experiencing some fairly Among them is Metal Gear and several other games that will good sales figures, good enough Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, certainly fill the lines when Sony for Microsoft executives to make from famed Japanese game pro­ releases its console on the 17th of the ambitious goal of shipping 10 ducer Hideo Kojima. The Metal November later this year. million XBOX360 units by the Gear franchise is one of the most end of the year. popular game series in the Play­ Microsoft To do so, however, the new station era and the game's design­ When Microsoft decided toen­ console would need a great col­ ers have stayed faithful to Sony ter the gaming console market it lections of bestselling games, and this time around as well. Solid had to overcome the dominance despite good launch titles such as Snake makes his return to the bat­ ofSony and its Xbox console, de­ Call of Duty 2, Project Gotham tlefield grayer abeit wiser to make spite good success, was· a losing Racing 3, and Ghost Recon: Ad­ his last hurrah in his sneaking suit endeavor. vanced Warfighter, the XBOX360 This time around, however, still, needs a marquee game title Spore, anew game rom right, creator 0 legendary and hardcore fans are sure to buy games like SimCity and The Sims will be for the PC. a PS3 just to play this game. Bill Gates and company are de­ to bolster its sales, like Halo and Other platform exclusive titles termined to pull even with Sony Halo 2 did for the Xbox platform in years past. Games has brought to the table. ganism to a multicellular creature Xbox fans needed to wait no This game also managed to make capable of creating distinct cul­ futher than E3 to find out that a point about the XBOX360's tures and technology. Microsoft has two titles that will technological capabilities. Sony The new game from Crytek hopefully galvanize garners to the executives had previously derided Software, Crysis, was another XBOX360 --- Halo 3 and Gears the Microsoft console as merely highly discussed PC title. Avail­ ofWar. the "Xbox 1.5" but the graphics able only for the upcoming Win­ . The third installment of the of Gears ofWar give garners eye dows Vista, the game takes ad­ Halo series from Bungie Studios candy easily rivaling those of the vantage of all new DirectX 10 will be a treat to Xbox fans, as Playstation 3. code and manages to push the Halo and Halo 2 Were two of the levels of realism to new heights, fastest selling games on the origi­ PC Gaming making games like Half Life 2, nal Xbox platform. Halo 3, which Gaming on PCs was not forgot­ Quake 4, and FEAR look a step still has no specified launch date, ten at E3. One ofthe most exciting below in tier. will be Microsoft's attempt at ce­ games playable at the convention With so many new and excit­ menting a trilogy of highly suc­ was Spore, a new game developed ing games coming out in the near cessful first person shooter games by the legendary and forward future, it is easily to see why so on its gaming platform. thinking Will Wright. rhe man many Techers flocked to E3 to The Playstation 3, like the XBOX360, wo model Gears of War, the other hotly who brought to the world SimCity volunteer for the show. Look for trims. One will be priced at $599, and feature a60 GB hard anticipated title, was available as and The Sims has upped the ante all these games and more to suck drive, along with all the other amenities. The other will be a playable demo and gamers were again in god games by giving the away hours of problem set time! cheaper at $499, but only sport a 20GB HDD, and will not very impressed by the immersive player the ability to create life and include HDMI support, a memory card reader, or Wi-Fi ca­ action and explosions that Epic evolve it from a single celled or- pability. 8 THE CALIFORNIA TECH HUMOUR MAY 15, 2006 valuate the ~~~~~~i~P,'i...i".,i;iIl;t:h~.·B()llSeS swa,llowed. •their face, blindingth~muntiLthe.· (Footnotes) is to use what "The trick toarr[s­ the dog that police arrived? Also, everyone lIn case you are confused cats BY: TONY FALK we've learned s wallowed knows cats can control electric~ are the predators, while us~ hu­ at Caltech, .and sue like this is to use the cat. that ity with their f\1r (I thi~ this is mans are. the monkey creatures Recently there has been a lot of apply science. swallowed the what you learn m analytlcalphys they sometimes eat. Trust me; I controversy about the. secret de­ what we've learned bird that swal- 1 b and c), ~o th~y're keeping uS saw it on the Discovery Channel. cision by housing to take all the If' we think of the existence at Caltech and apply lowed thespi- ~afe from ~Ightmng. Therefore, 2 In that they seem nice and cats living on campus, put them der that swal~ If the fire killed25 people, the ax helpful, and like to be fed small in a burlap sack and take them of cats on the science. " Caltech cam­ lowed, the fly ~urde~er kill~d 12 more, lifhten- sc!aps of fish, but?ccasionally down to the river, and... •Well, (I don t know mg strikes kill 15 and we 11 say wI1lreach out and SWIpe you with the decision by housing to not pus, we can think of it from an ecological why the old woman swallowed some guy has an allergy where their "claws" in the form of a allow cats in the South Houses. the fly, perhaps she'll die). he dies if hee isn't around cats. large zero on the top ofyour quiz. There are some who want the cats standpoint. What do cats eliminate? They Therefore, from an .ecological That means that cats might save Also, both cats andphysTAs can to stay so they can eatthem (1 as­ standpomt, cats are the thing to 53 .people for everyone person be trained to use a litter box. sume they are kidding, but no one eat the things· beloW them on the spi~ have at Caltech. In addition, I'm they might kill.. Would it really 3 Cholesterol is the number one knows what years of CDS can do food chain, '. which are flies, ders and birds. No one likes flies, pretty sure a cat had an important be wise, statistically, for housing killer in the United States and to someone), although they are role in that Circle of Life song, to murder 53 people so that one horse meat is very rich in it;' obviously confused about which which lay maggots and in general which is all about the balance of p~rson.c~uld live without aller- 4 In essence, Cats Rock. You creature is a sharp clawed deadly are nasty to have around. 1 Spiders bite you and make you nature. gIes? Hhinknot... shouldn't be reading footnotes if predator • I~you're not convinced by bio- Psychol?gyoffers another ar- you don't want to see bad puns. Others want the cats gone be­ dead with poison, and they're icky, so we obviously don't want logIcal reasons, perhaps a statisti- gument; smce cats can read our cause they're afraid the cats may cal explanation will change your minds they surely know of hous- kill them, through some sort of those. As for birds, maybe you want Avian Bird Flu Bubonic mind. . ing's plan and will destroy all hu- The California Tech :'allergic rea~tion" or by jump­ Everyone knows that it's ok for mans who try to enforce it. Eco­ mg onto theIr heads from trees Leprosy Immunodeficiency Can­ Caltech 40-58, Pasadena, CA 91125 cer (which all birds have), but I'd one person to die so that many nomically it makes sense to have advertising desk: (626) 395-6154 perhaps. Still others want to rid editorial e-mail: [email protected] rather have a cat. others may live. It is true that cats, since I looked up the price the campus of cats because they the presence of cats may kill one for Russian Blue cats, and they're VOLUME eVIl, NUMBER 27 belong toa secret society that Of course, we could get rid of those pests and still have no person, due to allergies or unpro- really expensive. David Chen Chris Yu speaks only in ancient code and voked attack, or some other cause. Regular colored ones from a Jonathan Malmaud Business Manager fears anything with whiskers. cats on campus if we got some­ Jonatha~ Senn Chandra Barnett thing higher up the food chain, But what if the presence of cats first rate country like the United Co-Edttors Circulation However, there are those who can save many other people? States must be worth a ton, which want friendly felines to remain on but none of those animals are Gary Libman any good. We'd need a dog to What if there were a fire, and means every cat Caltech bans is a Advisor campus. They will tell you that a cat ran over to the fire station loss ofmoney, the very thing they cats relieve stress, they'll claim eat the cat, then a goat to eat the dog, then a cow to eat the goat, and made cute eyes at the fire claim they're tying to avoid with The Tech is published weekly except during that a furry ball of purring cat is chief until he brought his big red budget cuts. Even geology. sup­ vac~tion and examination periods by the As­ all that allowed them to survive and finally and old woman to eat socIated Students of the California Institute a horse for some reason. This truck and saved the day? Evety- ports having cats on campus, by of Technology, Inc. The opinions expressed core. Well, there was also a furry herein are strictly those of the authors and would be worse than having a cat, one knows that cats and firemen keeping the skeleton of one (the advertisers. - purring ball of office hours, but Letters and submissions are welcome; e-mail 2 since all those animals defecate have a special bond, which is why saber-toothedldnd) in a glass case phys TAs are pretty much cats • 4 submissions to [email protected] as plain-text firemen we the only ones who can on the first floor ofArms • People who want to keep their all over the ground, so the olive attach~ents, including the author's name, walk would be deep with excre­ get cats out oftrees, because fire- So before you try to, prevent by Fnday of the week before publication, cats will point to the Caltech pol­ men can speak cat and explain cats from ".living in the. South The Tech does aceept anonymous contribu­ icy of allowing undergraduates to ment, and of course the corpse of tions, The editors reserve the right to edit and the old woman, who would die of that the ground demons the cats Houses, either by banning or eat­ abridge all submissions for any reason. All have non-boring pets as part of 3 are hiding from are gone. On the ing them, consider the science written work remains property of its author. what makes Caltech unique, other eating the horse . The adv~rtising deadline is fi,:e p.m. Friday; Plus there is the risk of other other hand, maybe it's because behind it. Also, it is well known all advertlSlng should be submItted electroni­ than pain. Both of these sides they have ladders, but no one re- that domesticated cats are the sec­ cally or as camera-ready art, but The Tech can have their points, but has either old people turning feral because also do simple typesetting and arrangement. they're around the old woman ally knows. ond most poisonous mammal in All advertising inquiries should be directed side scientifically studied the is­ Or what ifan murderer came existence, after Koalas. to the business manager at business@caltech. sue? who swallows the horse for ax edu. For subscription infonnation, please send and tried to kill some people, but mailto "Subscriptions." The trick to an issue like this some reason, perhaps.it saw the cow that swallowed the goat that a cat jumped up and clung to Jews Have MagicalPowers

BY: JOSHUA GUTMAN

I have news for all you read­ ers out there. All Jews have magical powers. You might not believe my claim and you might cite the fact that you have nev­ er seen Jews use their magical powers... or so you think. So first I should give you a lit­ tle background on the source of the powers and the reason why on byMoses, a Jew. The parting until now I have chosen not to oftheRed Sea was also a mira­ share this secret with you. As cle of Moses, a Jew. Then we The Aristocrat was revealed in a recenfepis()de have the miracle that spawned of South Park,·all Jews carry the holiday known as Chanukah PfANUT?t bags of gold around their neck. where we us-ed one day's worth ~TARDiJ Among those in the Jewish of oil to make it last eight days. <':...- community we were in awe as Of course the most famous we thought our secret had been miracles were performed by Je­ if well kept and that even any­ sus, a Jew. His healing powers body found outabout our bags 1 debUnk as a miracle, with the ofJew gold none ofthem would number of Jewish doctors out be brave enough to reveal the there, one Jewish doctor just secret. doesn't seem that special. This gold is celebrated dur­ He turned water into wine ing our holiday of Chanukah giving birth to the ultimate Jew with chocolate coins known in wine: Manischewitz. Jesus Editor's Note: the Jewish community as gelt. was a tricky one; he was what Last week's Goofus and Gallant comic was not credited with its au­ Children are taught to inter­ you would call a practical joker thors, who are Iliya Zilberter, Marena Lin, and Eric Stansifer. act with this gelt so they will Jew. be properly prepared for the But, as always seems to hap­ real Jew gold they will receive th pen when Jews overuse their on their 13 birthday. To help powers, Jesus' pranks got out of he California Tech prevent a repeated mass-revolt hand and then he tried to pass it Caltech 40-58 against the Jews we have tried off as a word from God. This Pasadena, CA 91125 to keep as much doubt as pos­ cause Jesus to be greatly hated sible in regards to these powers and killed (goddamn anti-Semi­ as revealing them often leads to tism). violent deaths. So what have we learned so You might think I'm trying far? to make absolutely ridiculous I.All Jews have magical pow­ claims without any evidence, ers. but there are quite a few histori­ 2.Jesus is a pn'lctical cal examples of some serious 3.Christians a perfectly miracles brought on by Jews average Jew. throughout history. . used the oil. Do this with The ten plagues were brought gas => 240 mpg cars. .