The Football Tourist by Stuart Fuller www.ockleybooks.co.uk To the real CMF, twenty-years of great memories....some even featuring both of us. The Football Tourist Contents Page Number Introduction ix Foreword xiii The Cast xvii Chapter One: Welcome to Spakenburg 1 Chapter Two: Stockholm Syndrome 16 Chapter Three: A New Way of Life 26 Chapter Four: A Trip to Pleasure Island 41 Chapter Five: The Seven Deadly Sins 52 Chapter Six: French Resistance 62 Chapter Seven: A Scholar and a Gent 74 Chapter Eight: Bailing out the Euro Zone 86 Chapter Nine: Sex, Drugs and 80p Beer 99 Chapter Ten: On a (Swiss) Roll 112 Chapter Eleven: Red Hot and Chilly 123 Chapter Twelve: Roman Holiday 135 Chapter Thirteen: Slav to the Rhythm 147 The Football Tourist Introduction ix Chapter Fourteen: The Boys from Brazil 161 Chapter Fifteen: Yankee Doodle Dandy 177 Introduction Chapter Sixteen: Good Old Uncle Velbert 190 Chapter Seventeen: How Many Balloons Go By? 203 Chapter Eighteen: Push the Bloody Button! 214 Chapter Nineteen: Silent Night 231 Chapter Twenty: Dundee Derby Day Delight 243 Acknowledgements 256 Tourist: [too-r-ist] noun - A person who travels to and stays in places outside their usual environment for leisure, business and other purposes. x The Football Tourist Introduction xi Modern football is crap. How many times have I heard that full of heroes and villains. throwaway comment in recent years? There have even been Again, modern football is crap, right? a couple of books that eulogise about times gone by and how Again, rubbish. much better the beautiful game was when we only had three TV In searching for a title for this book, David Hartrick and I channels, sand for pitches and steak ‘n’ chips with light ale on threw a number of titles around before deciding on ‘The Football the side for a pre-match meal. Tourist’. I never think of myself as a tourist, just like trying to But it’s not really crap is it? fit in as many new grounds into a weekend trip never makes me That’s actually a load of rubbish. a ‘ground-hopper’. I’ve always been happier with a map rather In fact it’s bloody wonderful. than a novel, wandering off the beaten track and trying that Technology means that the global game is now in the palm dish that looks like dog food (on a trip to Turkey once it actually of your hand. At this very moment I’m writing these words for turned out to be dog food – long story). my publisher on an iPad as my train passes under the English If I had to describe myself, I suppose without ego I sometimes Channel. I have the fixtures for every league in the world at I feel like a pioneer, breaking virgin ground for those to follow. my fingertips for plotting my next little trip, whilst Twitter is That is one of the reasons why I have always documented my keeping me up to date on the Ebbsfleet United v Macclesfield travels, hoping that others get as much pleasure from follow- Town pitch inspection. On Sunday I will be able to sit in my ing in my footsteps and avoiding the occasional pitfalls that have armchair at 10am and watch live football from Italy, Germany, occurred. Back in 2006 I wrote my first blog post after a trip Scotland, England, France and then South America without mov- to Moscow. It was a natural progression from researching and ing a muscle. writing factual information about details of European Football Modern football is crap? Grounds. I’d travelled across the continent drawing maps and Rubbish. making notes in my little black book without ever putting in the A trip to the football no longer means getting on a Football emotions, the joy and the beauty of watching the world’s favou- Special. Those stadiums we used to see on Sportsnight, built up rite sport in various different languages. So from that moment to be such places of mystery and wonder, are now within a £20 onwards I vowed to try and share my experiences. Whether I flight (with tax, luggage charge and environmental levy on top liked it or not, I’d become a Football Tourist. of course) from an airport near you. The Internet has given us a Along the way I had met many like-minded people who have wonderful opportunity to broaden our horizons and experience become firm friends. You may well know some of them already. the true meaning of the phrase ‘The Beautiful Game’. Others you will meet for the first time on these pages. No names Those who know me well will understand my values in life. have been changed to protect the guilty or the innocent, the We have been given a fantastic opportunity through technology events have been recorded more or less as they happened. and the ways of the world today to experience things that our People who know me through my football travels often find parents only dreamed of. At the last count I had seen football in a it hard to believe I have time in my life for anything else apart mere thirty-seven countries. I say “mere” because I know people from being the Football Tourist. But I do. And despite what who have seen double and even treble that. That’s progress in you may believe, it’s bloody hard work and often stressful. anyone’s book. I value that glorious freedom more than almost Getting to airports at 5am is not fun when you have a day full of anything else in life, as we all should. meetings in some far-flung place and you can only look longingly This book is the story of 20 months of that very existence. at those enjoying their pre-holiday pint in Weatherspoons. But Nearly two years of balancing a stressful job, a wonderful family occasionally (yes, only occasionally) the two worlds collide and I and a passion for watching football in some of Europe’s furthest have been able to sample some real hospitality that has crossed corners. Whereas once I could only dream of watching the Rome cultural barriers and made even the biggest Euro-skeptic forget derby on Channel 4’s Football Italia, I was now very much a part their stereotypes for ninety-minutes. of an epic twice-a-year stage-play featuring a cast of 60,000 and And then there’s my family. Yep, despite my frequent forays xii The Football Tourist Foreword xiii into foreign lands I have a family back at Fuller HQ. They are my support team, not in any illegal performance enhancing cycling way, but keeping me sane and organised. My wife has come to expect the weekly request for permission to go to some far-flung Foreword corner of Europe, even now dropping the slow shake of her head when I ask. My daughter’s see me as some kind of school project, By Kenny Pavey telling teachers and classmates about “where in the world is my Daddy today?” One couldn’t ask for a better set of friends, let alone close family. As for those that share my passion and enthusiasm for “one more game” at 11am on a Sunday in Prague? Well, it would be unfair to single out Danny Last for leading me astray in this way, but life is unfair and I would doubtless travel less if it weren’t for his suggestive text messages. The best part of all this though is that we’ve proved we are not alone in our wanderings and general wanderlust, and you will meet a cast of many throughout this book. The term ‘football tourists’ has never been more apt for those who share the addiction I have with Europe in the palm of our hands and an ever-expanding yearlong fixture list. So what do I want you, dear reader, to take away from this book? I hope to inspire you to not spend every Sunday afternoon with Martin Tyler and Gary Neville for company but to embrace something new every now and then. Remember when you tried Yorkshire Puddings with your Roast Chicken dinner for the first time instead of beef? Well that’s what I want you to feel, excited, giddy, a little bit scared of the unknown, but overall knowing that the combination of a couple of things you already know and love could just be something very special. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am The Football Tourist and this, for better and for worse, is my story. Man must become comfortable in flowing from one role to another, one set of values to another, one life to another. Men must be free from boundaries, patterns and consistencies in order to be free to think, feel and create in new ways. Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man xiv The Football Tourist Foreword xv I still get a kick about saying the words “I am a professional ‘Bra’, ‘Slutspurt’ and ‘tack sa mycket’. I learnt quickly, I was only footballer” even after all these years. The sheer thrill of having a few hundred miles away from home but I could have been on 30,000 fans shouting your name, sharing your emotions and the moon. I had now officially become a football tourist. knowing that you can make their day, week or year by simply I thought that life couldn’t get any better then in 2006 I moved doing something right or wrong. I’m lucky that the slice of luck to 11 times Swedish champions, and the biggest club in the you need along the way came early in my career, and the bold country, AIK.