BUILD the HOUSE on the ROCK: JPII's Spiritual Exercises For

BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

“Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock; and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been Learning Objectives founded on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24-25, RSVCE)

As a result of this presentation, each participant will be able to:

1. Discuss factors related to rebuilding the foundations of personal formation and marriage preparation within contemporary culture. 2. Describe practical elements of a promising, psychologically- relevant, pastoral approach to personal formation and marriage Build the House preparation consisting of spiritual exercises within a community milieu of presence and accompaniment. on the Rock 3. List three specific clinical applications within premarital assessment, premarital counseling, and community support for Psychological and Spiritual Foundations of Marriage Preparation building a solid foundation of personal formation and marriage Within John Paul II’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples preparation. Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. & Keith A. Houde, Ph.D.

Marriage Preparation: Accompaniment Marriage Preparation: Necessary

• “Like every other living reality, the family too is called • “More than ever necessary in our times is preparation upon to develop and grow. After the preparation of of young people for marriage and family life.” engagement and the sacramental celebration of • “Experience teaches that young people who have been marriage, the couple begin their daily journey towards well prepared for family life generally succeed better the progressive actuation of the values and duties of than others.” marriage itself.” John Paul II (1981), Familiaris consortio, n. 66 • “The Church’s pastoral action must be progressive, also in the sense that it must follow the family, accompanying it step by step in the different stages of its formation and development.” John Paul II (1981), Familiaris consortio, n. 65

Marriage Preparation: Intensive Marriage Preparation: Stages

• The Church must therefore promote better and more STAGE CATECHETICAL FORMATION intensive programs of marriage preparation, in order to Remote eliminate as far as possible the difficulties that many Children • Discover self endowed with rich/particular personality (strengths & weaknesses) married couples find themselves in, and even more in • Authentic interpersonal relationship values (self-control, regard for opposite sex) order to favor positively the establishing and maturing • Marriage as a true vocation and mission; possibility of priestly/religious vocation of successful marriages.” Proximate John Paul II (1981), Familiaris consortio, n. 66 Youth • Preparation for Christian marriage sacrament, right moral/spiritual dispositions • Marriage as interpersonal relationship of man and woman needing continual development; study of conjugal sexuality/responsible parenthood • Correct methods for education of children; requisites for well-ordered family life (work, financial resources, administration, housekeeping) • Family apostolate, fraternal solidarity, family groups/associations/movements Immediate Couple • Premarital enquiry, especially with shortcomings in Christian doctrine/practice • Deeper knowledge of mystery of Christ and the Church • Meaning of grace and responsibility of Christian marriage •Preparation for active/conscious participation in rites of marriage liturgy

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 1 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Marriage Preparation Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith

Supportive Community Środowisko Spiritual Exercises Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith

Build the House on the Rock: Build the House on the Rock Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples

First Meditation: To Swear to the Truth Before God • The Religious Character of the Marriage Vows • Vows Pronounced Before God • The Ministers of Marriage and their Witnesses • To Implore the Grace of God for a Lifetime Second Meditation: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End • Trust as the Fruit of Faithful Love • The Indissolubility of Marriage • Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses Third Meditation: Conjugal Honor • The Ends of Marriage • Conjugal Life and Offspring • Spiritual and Physical Unity • Responsibility for the Marriage and for the Family • The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love

Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: December 19-21, 1960 Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 2 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Build the House on the Rock: Build the House on the Rock: Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples

Original text: Budować dom na skale: rekolekcje dla narzeczonych, Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Instytut Dialogu Międzykulturowego im. Jana Pawła II, 2012. Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

First Meditation: I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Swear to the Truth Before God Introduction

Introduction • “It is a very ancient custom in the Church that all who approach the holy sacraments should adequately prepare themselves • Necessity of catechesis first….It cannot be otherwise in the case of the sacrament of • All Sacraments require preparation, including the sacrament of Matrimony. Given that marriage is a sacrament, those who are Matrimony about to receive it must first prepare themselves. For this • Preparation for the sacrament of Matrimony reason, catechesis is necessary.” • Purpose of the present spiritual exercises is preparation to receive the sacrament of Matrimony on wedding day rather than the tasks related • “Furthermore, the sacrament of Matrimony is the introduction to to marriage as a state of life married life, it is the threshold of this life. If we cross this • Threshold of married life threshold well, then it is very likely that also the successive path • Sacrament of marriage as the threshold of marital life of marital life will unfold favorably.” • Needs of our time • To resist the particular trials to which the sacrament of marriage is subjected

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

First Meditation: I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Swear to the Truth Before God The Religious Character of the Marriage Vows

The Religious Character of the Marriage Vows •“Sacramental Marriage Preparation….prepares us to make a vow.” • Preparing to make a Vow •“Sacramental marriage is also a contract, a religious one. This • Agreement, contract contract is stipulated between two people: a man and a woman. • Stipulated between two people: a man and a woman They must stipulate it after mature reflection, when they have • After mature reflection already completely decided to live together as spouses and to • Complete decision: live as spouses, form a family form a family.” • Social significance • “And so this decision of two people…possesses a social • Serves the existence of society significance because it serves the existence of this or that society.” • Sacramental Marriage • “What constitutes the specificity, the peculiarity of sacramental • Solemn contract of a religious character ecclesial marriage, is its religious character, and this religious character is visible above all in the vows.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 3 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

I: To Swear to the Truth Before God “Law of the Gift” The Religious Character of the Marriage Vows

• “During these three days we will reflect only on the words of • “From what man is as a person, that is, a being that these vows, the marriage formula. By analyzing it we will come possesses itself and governs itself, follows that he can to grasp the essence of sacramental marriage.” ‘give himself,’ he can make himself a gift for others, without thereby violating his ontic status.” “‘I N. take you N. as my wife (husband) • “The ‘law of the gift’ is inscribed, so to speak, in the and to you I vow love, faith, and honor in marriage, very being of the person.” and to not abandon you until death. Help me, O Lord God Almighty, (Wojtyla, 1974/2013, p. 281) One and Three, with all the Saints.’”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Wojtyła, K. (1974/2013). On the meaning of spousal love (G. Ignatik, Trans.). In K. Wojtyła (2013), Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.). Love and responsibility (G. Ignatik, Trans.; pp. 273-294). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media.

First Meditation: I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Swear to the Truth Before God Vows Pronounced Before God

Vows Pronounced Before God • “My dear ones, we need to reflect on the marriage vows, because they are a great thing. The vows determine the • “To you I vow” magnitude of your decision, the greatness of the whole matter. • Addressed to a person If you call on God to be a witness, it is not possible to reach any higher.” • “Help me, O Lord God Almighty,” • Determine the character of the entire formula • “These words, pronounced only once in a lifetime, determine • Value of an oath (swearing) the greatness of marriage and the greatness of the commitment • Calling on God as a witness • Not just of one’s sincerity lived out in everyday life.” • Authenticity of the will

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

First Meditation: I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Swear to the Truth Before God The Ministers of Marriage and Their Witnesses

The Ministers of Marriage and their Witnesses • “This is the only sacrament of which the Catholic priest not only is not, but cannot be the minister.” • Contracted in the presence of Witnesses •Priest • “However, due to the fact that the couple contracts the • Two persons who sign the marriage license sacrament of Matrimony by pronouncing vows, the whole act • On behalf of the entire congregation (& the Church) tends upward, it rises toward a majesty greatly unmeasurable, • Ministers are the Spouses themselves toward a Witness without equal: toward God.” • Priests normally are the Minister of the sacraments • “God here is called upon as a witness, and one cannot call God • Not in Matrimony a witness in vain. We must have a solid foundation for what we do, what we want, and what we intend to do, if we are to call upon God as a witness.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 4 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

First Meditation: I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Swear to the Truth Before God To Implore the Grace of God for a Lifetime

To Implore the Grace of God for a Lifetime • “As expression of supplication: ‘Help me, O Lord God Almighty, One and Three, with all the Saints.’ An expression of • “I take you as my spouse, and to you I vow love, faith, and supplication. And this supplication is even more an intention.” honor in marriage, and to not abandon you until death.” • “After all, this long perspective of life, of a shared life, maybe at first is • Something great seen only from the perspective of happiness. But this long perspective • A very distant perspective of life is certainly also linked to suffering and sadness, to disappointment, and various difficulties that you must go through. For • “Help me, O Lord God Almighty, One and Three, with all the this the words ‘help me’ are pronounced with a tone of profound Saints.” supplication. And this tone, dear ones, is appropriate here. Why? • An appeal for help -- supplication Because marriage is a sacrament, and you know well that a sacrament • Marriage, as a sacrament, deepens the state of grace within us. is a visible, exterior sign of grace….Christ, the Lord God, has instituted marriage precisely as a sacrament with the intention of helping, to help all those that contract it, who receive this sacrament.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

I: To Swear to the Truth Before God To Implore the Grace of God for a Lifetime

• “And when we say, ‘help me,’ we not only mean in the moment in which we contract the sacrament of Matrimony. Rather, we mean for our entire future: the various moments, instances, and situations that we cannot even imagine now, these difficult and critical situations, which will lead us to invoke God in a loud voice: ‘help me!’” • “And with this in a certain sense we already predispose ourselves for the future, for the active grace that this sacrament guarantees us.”

Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 5 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Build the House on the Rock: Build the House on the Rock: Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples

Second Meditation: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End • Trust as the Fruit of Faithful Love • The Indissolubility of Marriage • Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses

Second Meditation: II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Introduction

Introduction •“‘To you I vow love’ – when they say this, they also usually experience a very vivid feeling of love. But perhaps exactly due • “To you I vow love…” to the fact that they feel love, they don’t understand with the intellect the fundamental sense of that which they promise. And • A vow is a solemn promise in the religious sense. therefore, today we will try to analyze this essential sense of • An oath which calls on God as a witness love, in order to understand that which the spouses vow in the moment of marriage.” • Intellectual understanding of the marital vows must accompany the emotional experience of love.

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

The Jeweler’s Shop Love and Responsibility

• “The thing is that love carries people away like an absolute, • “Various emotional-affective moments or states accompany our thinking although it lacks absolute dimensions. But acting under an and acts of the will….The emotional-affective moments or states illusion, they do not try to connect that love with the Love that themselves are a separate theme…which weaves and forces itself sometimes with great strength and insistence into the whole objective has such a dimension. They do not even feel the need, blinded structure of human acts. An objective act itself would at times be as they are.” something pale and almost unnoticeable to the consciousness of man if it (Wojtyła, 1960/1992, p. 88) were not manifested and sharply delineated in that consciousness by variously colored emotional-affective lived-experiences.” • “Here we must turn our attention to the particular richness, variety, and intensity of these emotional-affective moments and states occurring when a person of the other sex is an object of action. They then color this action in a specific way and confer on it some exceptional vividness.” (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, pp. 15-16)

Woytyła, K. (1960/1992). The jeweler’s shop [Play script] Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. (B. Taborski, Trans.). San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press. Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media.

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 6 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Second Meditation: II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Trust as the Fruit of Faithful Love

Trust as the Fruit of Faithful Love • “‘You can count on me’. It is even a very ambitious promise. Marriage in general is an ambitious thing. And this promise, • “To you I vow love, faith” also, is ambitious. But a person has a right to be ambitious in • Love and fidelity: two interrelated forms of commitment this way; not only the right, but the need. In this moment man must be ambitious, that is, he must be mature to the point that •Faith he can count on himself.” • Faithfulness, fidelity • “On the one hand there is the foundation of trust, of security, • Trust in the person and on the other hand there is the active trust: I trust a person, I • Confidence, security count on them – this must be the point at which you arrive.” • Accurate knowledge of the other • Reciprocal knowledge of values, weaknesses

• Fidelity vs. infidelity (betrayal) • Understanding as deeper defense vs. emotions of the moment Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Trust as the Fruit of Faithful Love Love and Responsibility

• “My dear ones, this must be the end point of a long process. It cannot •“Love of the person, a love that is mature with the interior act of be a casual thing, it cannot happen from today to tomorrow, nor from choice and focused on the value of the person himself, makes one month to the other. It must be the outcome of a long process. It us affectively love the person as he truly is—not our image of must be based on accurate knowledge of the other. Of accurate him but the real person. We love him along with his virtues and knowledge of their values and – I will say also – of their weaknesses. vices, in a sense independently of the virtues and despite the Because otherwise there cannot be confidence. You can respect a vices. The greatness of this love is manifested the most when person highly, but to have faith in them, to count on them for your this person falls, when his weaknesses or even sins come to whole life, requires much more.” light. One who truly loves does not then refuse his love, but in a •“Of reciprocal knowledge of each of the persons that speak these sense loves even more—he loves while being conscious of vows and that receive the vows….Each of the persons that speak and deficiencies and vices, without, however, approving of them. accept these words must be secure of that which is said and of that For the person himself never loses his essential value. which they hear….Despite this I promise love and faith….The fidelity Affection, which follows the value of the person, is faithful to that I will be with you, that we are together, that I will be a support for man.” you, I will be a help for you, I will be the person closest to you. (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, pp. 116-117)

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.). Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media.

Second Meditation: II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End The Indissolubility of Marriage

The Indissolubility of Marriage •“Monogamous marriage and indissolubility are always proof of the high moral culture of an age or of a specific pair of human • “To not abandon you until death” beings….There are two reasons which we need to highlight.” • Fidelity in its full consequences • “The first reason is concern for the children. Marriage is in fact the beginning of the family. The spouses give life to a new • Monogamous marriage and indissolubility human being. And the children that grow from them have an • Proof of the high moral culture of an age or couple important human right to have their parents.” • “The second reason to favor the indissolubility of marriage, for • Two reasons: refusing divorce, is the consideration of human love….If you 1. Concern for the children 2. Consideration of human love admit dissolubility, then you do not effectively speak of love. In this case it is an adventure that lasts more or less long, but you • Breaking the unity of marital life cannot call such an adventure love. • Psychologically trampling on human personalities

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 7 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End The Jeweler’s Shop The Indissolubility of Marriage

•“Love is not an adventure. It has the taste of the whole man. It • “Naturally we could much more deeply analyze both the first, has his weight. And the weight of his whole fate. It cannot be a and above all the second reason, especially from the single moment. Man’s eternity passes through it. That is why it psychological point of view. Marital life involves a particular is to be found in the dimensions of God, because only He is unity, a particular intimacy of coexistence. Breaking, eternity.” annihilating, erasing all this, is equivalent to trampling on the (Wojtyła, 1960/1992, p. 60) personalities, to trample on our humanity.”

Woytyła, K. (1960/1992). The jeweler’s shop [Play script] Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: (B. Taborski, Trans.). San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press. Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Second Meditation: II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses

Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses • “My dear ones, usually when the spouses find themselves at the foot of the altar, they pronounce these great words, full of • Enemies of love: substance for their life, with a certain easiness and also 1. Casual feelings lightness. This is due to the fact that they have a casual basis 2. Egoism for these words, usually they find a basis in feelings. And they build on this. However, this material for construction is only raw • Common good material, and is not yet a finished construction, a finished • “Us and our good” vs. “My good and your good” creation – while love is creation.” •Reciprocity • “There is another enemy of love that can ruin a lot, that can • Mutual desire for the good of the other destroy much of the inner work of human life. This…hidden enemy, a conspirator latent in each of us without exception, we call egoism. It is the adversary of love. What does egoism bring? It makes me seek only my own good, I seek myself.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses Love and Responsibility

• “Instead, in marriage we must seek the common good together. • “For love is never something ready-made, something merely Marriage is not my ‘I’ and your ‘I’ – my good and your good – as ‘given’ (dany) to a woman and a man, but at once it is always two opposing poles. Marriage is: us and our good….Not only something ‘entrusted’ (zadany). It is necessary to look at it this my I and your I, but the desire for the common good, the desire way: love in a sense never ‘is,’ but only constantly ‘becomes,’ for a development, for a development of life through the depending on the contribution of each person. This commitment common good, our good.” is based on what is ‘given,’ and therefore the lived-experiences • “In order for there to exist a true desire for the common good, that have their basis in the sensuality and natural affectivity of there must be reciprocity. What does reciprocity mean? either a woman or a man constitute only the ‘material’ of love. A Reciprocity means that I want your good as if it was my own tendency exists to consider them as a ready-made form of love. good, and on the other hand you want my good as if it was This is an erroneous tendency—it conceals the consumption- yours.” oriented and utilitarian attitude, which—as is known—is contrary to the nature of love itself.” (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, p. 121)

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 8 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Love and Responsibility

• “And precisely here the emotional-affective reactions at times contribute to distorting or falsifying fondness, when through them one perceives values in a given person that in truth do not exist there. This can be very dangerous for love. For when the affective reaction passes away—and fluctuation belongs to its nature—then the subject who based his entire relation to a given person on this reaction, and not on the truth about the person, is left in a vacuum, so to speak, being deprived of the good that he thought he had found. And sometimes an affective reaction of the opposite coloring is born out of this vacuum and the sense of disappointment linked to it: a purely affective love often turns into an affective hate toward the same person.” (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, pp. 60-61)

Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media.

Second Meditation: II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses

Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses •“Fidelity and friendship – reciprocal friendship – all this must exist so that you can say: ‘to you I promise love’. And my dear ones, here this • “To you I vow love.” must be a project, a long-term project. The mood of the moment is not enough, the fact that I now feel committed, and especially when these feelings are carried away by passion. It must be a long-term creation • Long-term project vs. mood of the moment project. And for this it is a good thing to examine this love, at its • Feelings carried away by passion, oscillate, go away development, because feelings oscillate, and sometimes go away by themselves, but virtue can create continually. And love is a virtue. • Love is a virtue Which is why I appreciate so much, for example, the phrase I hear • Virtue creates continuously from a young person after a few years of marriage, ‘love grows • Love grows continuously continuously.’ What does this signify? Passion grows? Feelings grow? • Unity, reciprocity, comprehension grows. • Creation of common good grows. No, it means that the unity grows. The reciprocity grows, the • Love never fails comprehension grows, the desire for the common good and the common creation of this good grows.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

II: Creative Love and Faithfulness to the End Love and Responsibility Reciprocity and the Common Good of the Spouses

• “In order for the ‘we’ to exist, two-sided love itself is not enough “I exhort you to return often, every so often, to meditate on these because, after all, there are still two ‘I’s’ in it, although they are words, verifying the development of your love in marriage in light already fully predisposed to become one ‘we.’ Reciprocity is of them.” decisive precisely for this ‘we’ to come into existence. Reciprocity reveals that love has matured, that it has become “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not something ‘between’ persons, that it created some pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own community—in this its full nature is realized. Reciprocity interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it belongs precisely to it.” does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, pp. 68-69) things. Love never fails.” (1 Cor 13:4-8)

Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media. Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 9 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Build the House on the Rock: Build the House on the Rock: Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples

Third Meditation: Conjugal Honor • The Ends of Marriage • Conjugal Life and Offspring • Spiritual and Physical Unity • Responsibility for the Marriage and for the Family • The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor Introduction

Introduction • “We have seen that all these objects of the marital promise, because they are the object of an oath, of its content, contain • Content of the marital vows each other, reciprocally give rise to each other, and in a certain • Contain and complete each other sense compose the complete image of conjugal love. ”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor The Ends of Marriage

The Ends of Marriage • “How should we understand conjugal honor? The word honor in common language has a rather broad sense….In a broader sense this honor, that derives from the fact of entering into the conjugal state, • “To you I vow…honor.” coincides especially with human honor. In marriage one needs to be a just person, an honorable person. We need to be all the more • Broad Sense: honorable because we have, as it were, bound ourselves to another • Just, honorable person person.” • Bound to another person • “But in a higher, more exact meaning, this conjugal honor is very closely related to the realization of the ends of marriage....Usually there are considered the following three ends of marriage: the first • Higher, More Exact Meaning: end is procreation, in Latin procreatio. The second end is reciprocity • Realization of ends of marriage and the reciprocal help of the spouses – of the husband of the wife. 1. Procreation (and education of children) The third end, which is highlighted above all by St. Paul in the First 2. Reciprocity (reciprocal help) Letter to the Corinthians (1 Cor 7:1-2, 9) – the third end is the 3. Satisfaction of natural desires of the flesh satisfaction of the natural desires of the flesh. These are the three ends, in this order.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 10 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Ends of Marriage Theology of the Body

• “In the perspective of a shared life and of the conjugal vocation, that initial sign of marriage as a sacrament of the Church will be continually filled Procreation with the ‘prophetism of the body.’ The body of each spouse will speak ‘for’ and ‘on behalf of’ each of them; the body will speak in the name and with the authority of the person, of each of the persons, thus carrying out the conjugal dialogue, which is proper to their vocation and based on the language of the body, continually reread on the right occasion and at the proper time: and it is necessary that it is reread in the truth! The couple Reciprocal are called to form their lives and their living together as a ‘communion of Help persons’ on the basis of this language. Given that a complex of meanings corresponds to the language, the couple – through their conduct and behavior, actions and gestures...– are called to become the authors of these meanings of the ‘language of the body,’ from which they then build and continually deepen love, faithfulness, conjugal integrity, and the union Satisfaction that remains indissoluble until death.” of Desire (John Paul II, 1983/2006, 106:2)

John Paul II. (1979-1984/2006). Man and woman He created them: A theology of the body (M. Waldstein, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books and Media.

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor The Ends of Marriage

The Ends of Marriage • “In themselves, the desires of the flesh are not focused on generation. It is a simple consequence of a natural impulse, of • Third End: Satisfaction of the Natural Desires of the Flesh the sexual impulse, which has been given to mankind by the Creator for great ends, that is, for the preservation of the • Natural sexual impulse existence of humanity.” • Given by the Creator to man for great ends • Not immediately associated with something negative or sinful • “However, the satisfaction of the desires of the flesh is not an end unto itself in marriage, nor is it the primary end of marriage.” • An end subordinated to the first two • “And only on this condition can conjugal life have its moral • Otherwise beneath human dignity (dignity of women) foundations: if this third end – the satisfaction of the desires of the flesh –is subordinated to the first two.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor Conjugal Life and Offspring

Conjugal Life and Offspring • “The physical communion of the spouses, or conjugal life, by its nature is oriented to procreation….And thus, if we must remain • Faithfulness to Nature faithful to nature, this faithfulness to nature is for man • Faithfulness to reason faithfulness to reason, because man is a rational being. • Subordination of satisfaction of the flesh to generation of offspring Therefore, if we men, rational beings, must remain faithful to • Possibility of Procreation nature, in the field of conjugal life we must….subordinate the • First Principle: • Spouses must keep in mind that they can become a father and a mother satisfaction of the desire of the flesh to the generation of • Second Principle: offspring, to procreation.” • Subordination of third end to first end allows for moral regulation of conception (Natural Family Planning) • Moral obligation of doctors to instruct fiancées and spouses • Realized in continence & periodic abstinence (Natural Family Planning) • Conjugal honor • Related to the morality of conjugal intimacy

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 11 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

III: Conjugal Honor III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Life and Offspring Conjugal Life and Offspring

• “We need to understand this from the sense that when the • “It is a question which borders on biology and medicine….of this spouses join together, they must take into account the aspect is needed biologists, naturalists, doctors….It is even a possibility of procreation….It is always right if, lying together, moral obligation of the doctor to give instruction to the engaged they keep in mind that they can become a father and a mother, couple or to the spouses on all that medicine knows about this subject, when he or she is asked for advice.” that they can have children. This is the first principle that we need to introduce here.” • “Therefore, the principle of subordination of the third end of marriage, that of the satisfaction of the desires of the flesh, to •“Second principle: the subordination of the third end to the first the first end, that of the generation of offspring, procreation – allows for the so-called family planning or the so-called just, this principle is realized in continence, even in so-called moral regulation of conception. In any case it doesn’t exclude it. periodic abstinence.“ What is intended?” •“Conjugal honor in great measure consists in this….in large part these words regard the morality of conjugal intimacy.

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.). Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Love and Responsibility Liberated from Freedom through Love

• “Between myself and this person a particular bond is born: the “For love denies freedom of will bond of a common good and a common end, which binds us. […] Concerning marriage, this end is procreation, progeny, the to him who loves— family, and at the same time the whole constantly growing Love liberates him from the freedom maturity of the relationship between both persons in all the that would be terrible to have for its own sake. spheres brought by the spousal relationship itself.” So when I become a father, (Wojtyła, 1960/2013, pp. 12, 14) I am conquered by love. And when you become a child, you too are conquered by love. At the same time I am (Adam, the father, addressing Monica, the child; liberated from freedom through love, in Radiation of Fatherhood, and so are you.” Act II, Scene 4)

Wojtyła, K. (1964/1987). Radiation of Fatherhood [Play script]. In K. Wojtyła, The collected plays and

Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media. writings on theater (B. Taborski, Trans., pp. 323-364). Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor Spiritual and Physical Unity

Spiritual and Physical Unity • “In the second end of marriage we speak of the reciprocal help, rather, of the reciprocity of the spouses. It is understood that they must create a harmonious and concordant unity, they must live in a deep • Reciprocal Help (Reciprocity) agreement and mutual understanding. They must simply love each • Subordination of third end (satisfaction) to second end (reciprocity) other or want the good of each other” • Harmonious and concordant unity •“The third end of marriage must be subordinated to the first also so • Love as willing the good of the other that the second end can be realized; so that what unites the couple is truly love, and not bilateral egoism. We must therefore admit that the • Love vs. Egoism satisfaction of the desires of the flesh, if it is not controlled…becomes • Subordination of third end to first end so second end can be realized the occasion for an egoism that…is the opposite of love. Therefore, if • “so that what unites the couple is truly love, and not bilateral egoism.” married life is not to become sick with selfishness, unbridled egoism, and unrestrained by the uncontrolled craving of the flesh, the third end • “if married life is not to become sick with selfishness, unbridled egoism, of marriage must constantly be subordinated…to the first and the and unrestrained by the uncontrolled craving of the flesh, second [end]. • Consideration of human dignity of each person •“Each of the parties must take into account also the other, the other human being, of his dignity.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 12 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor Responsibility for the Marriage and for the Family

Responsibility for the Marriage and for the Family •“Honor in a certain sense grows in intimacy, becomes honor in familial life, as well as the honor and responsibility of the father • Honor grows in intimacy and of the mother. This honor in familial life is also the content • Honor in intimacy  familial life  responsible fatherhood/motherhood of the marital promise, of the marital vows.” • Sense of responsibility • In mind, heart, and will of the couple • “These consequences must be in the mind, in the heart, in the • Ponder deeply at the foot of the altar will, in the sense of responsibility of the two persons who make the marital vows at the foot of the altar. They must penetrate it deeply.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love

The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love •“Marital life is a unity…created one step after the other between two persons…who have committed themselves in this sense • Marital life is a unity through the vows made in the presence of God. These two • The two persons become one: the unity of the two. persons become a single thing, for this rite of the sacrament of Matrimony in grand measure indicates the unity of the two. • “Love confers a lifelong bond • Expressed in the symbol of the wedding rings • “Love confers on them to this bond….They are welded to each other for all of their earthly existence. In good times and in bad, in joy and in sorrow. Here is what the symbol of the wedding rings expresses.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

The Jeweler’s Shop

• “We are secretly growing into one because of these two rings.” (Wojtyła, 1960/1992, p. 34)

Woytyła, K. (1960/1992). The jeweler’s shop (B. Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith Taborski, Trans.). San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press.

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 13 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Third Meditation: III: Conjugal Honor Conjugal Honor The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love

The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love • “My dear ones, this marriage, this sacrament which you will receive, has something priestly to it. It is as the priest of familial • Priesthood of human love and family life life, the priesthood of human love, the priest of human destiny, • Human love, family life, generation/education of children, human the priest of the generation and education of children.” destiny • “It is because the Lord Jesus has treated marriage as • Greatness of the sacrament of matrimony participation in his priesthood, in his sacrifice….I beg you to • Prepare in a profoundly religious way prepare yourself for this sacrament in a religious way, profoundly religious….It is a great sacrament….You need to • “Help me, O Lord God Almighty, One and Three, with all the see the greatness that is truly of this sacrament, the greatness Saints.” of all its consequences.” • Pray humbly for God’s grace for the foundation and building of your entire married life • Receive God’s grace throughout your life, even during hardships

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

III: Conjugal Honor The Sacrament of Sacrificial Love

•“‘Help me, O Lord God Almighty, One and Three, with all the Saints.’”

• The last [words of the vow]….can be pronounced effectively, fruitfully, only by the humble person, the person on their knees…. And rightly God must give you the grace…if this will then materialize into the building of your entire life….Both when you speak these words and later, throughout your life, when you have to put this into practice – sometimes encountering hardships and resistance – receive the grace.” •“Implore God…so that what is pronounced with the mouth becomes truly the foundation of your life. Amen.”

Wojtyła, K. (1960, December 19-21). Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples (Z. Swantek, Trans.).

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 14 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Pastoral Applications Pastoral Concepts

• Sacrament of Matrimony • Ministers of the Sacrament

• Solemn Vows • Love • Spiritual and physical unity • Reciprocity (mutual self-donation) • Sacrificial love (virtue/common good vs. passion) • Faith (Fidelity) • Monogamy and indissolubility • Good of couple (authentic love), good of children (stability) • Honor (Honesty/Integrity) • Three ends of marriage (procreation, reciprocal help, satisfaction of desire) • Human dignity • Conjugal morality (responsible fatherhood/motherhood) Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith

Pastoral Concepts Pastoral Applications

• Divine Grace • Marriage Preparation • Trinity of Persons • Pastoral Plan • Sacramental grace (lifetime) • Remote, Proximate, Immediate (John Paul II, 1981) • Personalist vs. merely institutional approach (Galea, 2007) • Leadership • Supportive Community • Pastor, Lay Leaders, and/or Professional Counselors (Barlow, 1999) • Communion of saints •Format • Community of witnesses (priest and faith community) • Individualized, Mentor Couples, and/or Group (Barlow, 1999) • Curriculum • Sacrament of marriage, person and gift, conjugal sexuality, responsible parenthood (NFP), education of children, work/finances, housekeeping

• Marriage and Family Ministry • Family apostolate (family groups/associations/movements)

Psychological Applications Psychological Concepts

• Human Person • Nature • Body (male and female) • Emotions (“vivid feelings,” rich foundation, raw material) • Intellect (“truth of the intellect,” reason, understanding) • Will (“authenticity of will,” heart, responsibility) • Motivation • Egoism vs. Altruism • Happiness (sexual desire, satisfaction) vs. Suffering (sacrifice, commitment) • Self-Possession and Self-Donation • Development • Personal Maturity (identity, trustworthy, “count on self”) • Readiness for Commitment (intimacy, “solid foundation”) • Personality • Normality vs. Pathology (emotional problems, personality disorders) • Character/Virtue (honesty/integrity, temperance/continence, fidelity/commitment) Photo: © Keith A. HoudePhoto: © Keith

Fr. Zachary Swantek, S.T.L. Keith A. Houde, Ph.D. 15 BUILD THE HOUSE ON THE ROCK: Catholic Psychotherapy Association JPII’s Spiritual Exercises for Engaged Couples May 1, 2020

Psychological Concepts Psychological Applications

• Human Community • Premarital Assessment • Marriage (Conjugal honor) • Clinical proficiency in premarital assessment and counseling • Friendship • FOCCUS, Prepare/Enrich, etc. • Reciprocal knowledge of the other (values, weaknesses) • Readiness for commitment •Reciprocity • Attachment, trust, maturity, investment, values (Galea, 2007) • Common good vs. egoism • “I-thou” relationship (dialogue) • Premarital Counseling/Marital Counseling • Commitment • Individual psychotherapy • Trust (confidence, security, “count on other”) • Positive psychology character formation • Unity (intimacy/coexistence vs. mutual egoism) • Marital therapy • Loyalty (indissolubility, lifetime vs. casual) • Personalist psychology principles (Contextual family therapy) • Fidelity vs. Infidelity (breaking/annihilating/erasing/trampling on human personalities) • Family (Familial honor) • Pastoral Consultation • Responsible fatherhood and motherhood • Participation on diocesan/parish marriage preparation/enrichment team • Birth and education of children • Collaboration with pastors, training/formation of mentor couples, etc. • Psychology Continuing Education • Clinical education in John Paul II’s personalist psychology • Love and Responsibility, Theology of the Body, Person and Community, etc.

References References

• Barlow, J. L. (1999). A new model for premarital counseling within the • John Paul II. (1994). Gratissimam sane [Letter to families]. Vatican City: Church. Pastoral psychology, 48(1), 3-9. Libreria Editrice Vaticana. Retrieved from • FOCCUS, Inc. (n.d.). FOCCUS pre-marriage inventory facilitator manual http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/letters/1994/documents/hf_jp- (Catholic, English, 4th ed.). Omaha, NE: FOCCUS, Inc. ii_let_02021994_families.html • Galea, P. (2007). Readiness for commitment: Applying psychological • Olson, D. H., Fournier, D. G., & Druckman, J. M. (1987). constructs to pastoral issues in marriage. Journal of Pastoral Care and PREPARE/ENRICH counselor’s manual. Minneapolis, MN: Counseling, 61(3), 205-213. Prepare/Enrich, Inc. • Holy See (1983). Code of Canon Law (Canon Law Society of America, Trans.) Vatican City: Libreria Editrice Vaticana. • Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York, NY: Oxford University • John Paul II. (1979-1984/2006). Man and woman He created them: A Press. theology of the body (M. Waldstein, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books and Media. • Swantek, Z. (2019). Marriage as a healing sacrament: Renewal of pastoral • John Paul II. (1981). Familiaris consortio [Apostolic exhortation On the role ministry to the family in light of St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and of the Christian family in the modern world]. Vatican City: Libreria Editrice the new evangelization. (Doctoral dissertation in progress, Pontifical Vaticana. Retrieved from http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul- University of John Paul II, Kraków, Poland). ii/en/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp- ii_exh_19811122_familiaris- • Wojtyła, K. (1955-1977/1993). Person and community: Selected essays consortio.html (T. Sandok, Trans.). In W. N. Woznicki (Ed.), Catholic thought from Lublin: Vol. 4. New York, NY: Peter Lang.

References

• Wojtyła, K. (1960/1981). Love and responsibility (H. T. Willetts, Trans.). San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press. • Woytyła, K. (1960/1992). The jeweler’s shop [Play script] (B. Taborski, Trans.). San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press. • Wojtyła, K. (1960/2013). Love and responsibility (G. Ignatik, Trans.). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media. • Wojtyła, K. (1960/2014). Budować dom na skale: Rekolekcje dla narzeczonych [Build the house on the rock: Spiritual exercises for engaged couples] (A. Dobrzyński, Ed.). Kraków, Poland: Instytut Dialogu Międzykulturowego im. Jana Pawła II w Krakowie. • Wojtyła, K. (1964/1987). Radiation of fatherhood [Play script] (B. Taborski, Trans.). Retrieved from https://donboscosalesianportal.org/wp- content/uploads/Radiation_of_Fatherhood.pdf • Wojtyła, K. (1974/2013). On the meaning of spousal love (G. Ignatik, Trans.). In K. Wojtyła (2013), Love and responsibility (G. Ignatik, Trans.; pp. 273-294). Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media.

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