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Graduate Studies Legacy Theses
2000 Permission to be whole: An interpretive inquiry into women's experience of sex and sexuality
Borbridge, Corinne
Borbridge, C. (2000). Permission to be whole: An interpretive inquiry into women's experience of sex and sexuality (Unpublished doctoral thesis). University of Calgary, Calgary, AB. doi:10.11575/PRISM/21888 http://hdl.handle.net/1880/42924 doctoral thesis
University of Calgary graduate students retain copyright ownership and moral rights for their thesis. You may use this material in any way that is permitted by the Copyright Act or through licensing that has been assigned to the document. For uses that are not allowable under copyright legislation or licensing, you are required to seek permission. Downloaded from PRISM: https://prism.ucalgary.ca Permission to be Whole:
An Interpretive Inquiry into
Women's Experience of Sex and Sexuality
Corinne Borbridge
Division of Applied Psychology
The University of Calgary
A Dissertation
Submitted to the Faculty of Graduate Studies
In Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for
The degree of Doctor of Philosophy
O Corinne L. Borbridge, 2000 Bibliotheque nationale .,.. CI ----I- OU bat taoa Acquisitions and Acquisitions et Bibliographic Services services bibliographiques 395 Wellington Street 395, rue Wellington Onawa ON KIA ON4 Ottawa ON K1A ON4 Canada Canada Your file Volre r4fdrence
Our Me Nolm nlldrence
The author has granted a non- L'auteur a accorde une licence non exclusive licence allowing the exclusive pennettant a la National Library of Canada to Bibliotheque nationale du Canada de reproduce, loan, distribute or sell reproduke, preter, distribuer ou copies of this thesis in microform, vendre des copies de cette these sous paper or electronic formats. la forme de microfiche/film, de reproduction sur papier ou sur format electronique.
The author retains ownership of the L'auteur conserve la propriete du copyright in this thesis. Neither the koit d'auteur qui protkge cette these. thesis nor substantial extracts fiom it Ni la these ni des extraits substantiels may be printed or otherwise de celle-ci ne doivent &re imprimes reproduced without the author's ou autrement reproduits sans son permission. autorisation. ABSTRACT
Despite decades of scientific and philosophical work and a bombardment of images from popular culture, our understanding of sexuality is still vague and troublesome. The intent of this interpretive investigation was to shed light on the lived experience of sexuality, focussing on the stories of women over age 45. Through a series of interviews, I explored with women their experience of being sexual and sought to understand the connection between sexuality and their identity throughout their lives and into older age.
I used a hermeneutic-phenomenology approach, endeavouring to honour the lived experience and draw out the interpretive meanings of sexuality for the nine women who spoke with me. The results were rich discussions about sex, sexuality, desire, relationships, self-image and identity. I present the stories that women shared with me, offering their voices to our understanding of women's sexuality. The women tell of the ways that sexuality was part of their journeys toward being whole persons, and of the obstacles and supports which led to them having the permission to seek such wholeness. I share my thoughts on the meaning of women's stories of sexuality and the connections to identity development litcrature as wc currently understand it. The wisdom of these older women and their messages about women's sexuality contribute significant implications for counselling, education, social policy and further research.
iii DEDICATION
This work is dedicated, with love and gratitude, to the older women of my own life:
My grandmother, the late Margaret Irma Kiernan, who taught me about empathy, intuition, and the healing, loving power of being heard.
My grandmother, Edna Helen Borbridge, who teaches me the value of stories, the importance of family, and the greatness in small, simple experiences.
And my mother, Maureen Margaret Kiernan Borbridge, who teaches me the importance of education - in all its meanings, and about the power of grace, giving and love.
You have taught me about being a woman. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like begin by expressing my gratitude to the wonderful women whose stories are represented in this dissertation--Brenda, Jane, Linda, Loretta, Lou, Marie,
Nancy, Sandy (and her partner Leah), and Suzanne. I am honoured by your openness in sharing your experiences with me and by the gift of your wisdom. You have taught me so much and your voices stand together now to teach others about women and women's sexuality. Thank you.
My thanks to my supervisory committee for guiding my learning and supporting my process. To Kathy, for believing in me, mentoring me, and validating that I had something to say about sexuality. You have stayed with me through six years of graduate school; now I will "let" you retire. To Jim, for inspiring me to learn and to read "one more thing" and for reminding me that I did not have to know it all. To Judy, for being available to me with celebrating words, motivating feedback, and e-mail reminders to get out and enjoy the sunshine. And to Mary for modeling her exceptional combination of intelligent academic, gifted counsellor, and caring friend.
Thank you to the Calgary Birth Control Association, especially Carolyn Claire, and to Lorraine and Sandra Smyth, for contacting women to participate in this research project. Your enthusiasm and assistance were greatly appreciated. Thank you to Susan
Cox for being a trustworthy and very competent transcriber. Your help was a godsend.
I would like to thank my friends who came through with words of encouragement my faith in myself faltered or con~pletelycrashed. Thank you Amy, Bob, Bonnie,
Cathlyn, Doris, Gary, Gloria, Gord, Kimberley, Larissa, Lorraine, Lori, Janet, Pauline,
Stacey, Veronica, Vicky, and Yvonne. Thank you to all those people in my caring faith v community who asked how it was going and whether I was a "doctoryyyet. Thank you
Michael and Tanya for all those fun and motivating Friday night "study group" meetings.
My special thanks to Brent, my classmate and friend who shared the process of course work, chartering, and dissertation-writing with me. Thanks, Phyllo, for all the challenging discussions and supportive talks--and for all the silliness too.
I am indebted to my special women friends, Monica and Eleanor, with whom I can talk about anything--even sex. Thank you for the insight, love and powerful energy you bring to my life. Thank you for understanding when I was absorbed in this project.
Thank you for all the times you listened to me, encouraged me, laughed with me.
Thank you Mum and Dad. I have not always appreciated out loud how much you have been there for me. It has become more and more clear as I "grow up" just how much you love me, believe in me, and are proud of me. It means so much. Thank you Michael for your con~puterhelp. And thanks to my sweet Sophia for reminding me--in your purring, graceful, and not-so-subtle ways--to take breaks from the daily grind.
To my darling Chris ... You rode through my doctoral candidacy exams with me so early in our relationship and became my husband at the end of my doctoral journey.
Thank you so much for being part of my process with your endless enthusiasm and unconditional support. Thank you for reading my work as if it was the most brilliant of all dissertations and for honouring me with your thoughts. Thank you for the blessing of your love.
May I never take for granted the gifts of the Creator and of the people around nze.
Through tlzenz, I am$lled with love and hope and the strength to be my Self: TABLE OF CONTENTS
.. APPROVAL PAGE 11 .. . ABSTRACT 111
DEDICATION iv
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS v
TABLE OF CONTENTS vii
CHAPTER ONE: Introducing Women's Sexuality
A Context for Exploring Women's Sexuality
My Personal Context for Exploring Women's Sexuality
Cultivating Purpose
Defining the Terms
Wondering about Sexuality
Outlining our Path
CHAPTER TWO: Reviewing and Challenging the Literature 12
An Historical Overview 12
First Wave Sexology--Freud and the Boys 13
Second Wave Sexology--From Kinsey to Masters and Johnson 16
Women Enter the Sexology Scene 20
The Impact of the Feminist Movement 23
The Latest News on Constructing Women's Sexuality 26 Women's Identity Development
Relational Models
Women's Ways of Knowing
An Additional Note on Relational Identity Models
Cultural Identity Development
Lesbian Identity Development
Defining Lesbianism
Women's Sexuality, Women's Voices
Speaking of Desires
Naming and Owning Our Bodies
Embodiment
Reclaiming Power and Value
Developing a Sense of Sexual Self
Women's Sexuality and Aging
A Note About Reviewing the Literature and Moving On
CHAPTER THREE: En Route to the Goal of Understanding
Choosing a Path
Existential Phenomenology
Feminist Research Principles
Feminist Postmodernism
Feminist Interviewing
Applying the Principles of the Method vii Collaboration and Power
Connection
Reflexivity
Valuing Women's Experiences
Engaging in the Inquiry Process
The Questions Not Asked
ClarifLing My Assumptions
Finding Women to Talk about Sexuality
The Women Who Found Me
Journeying Together
Creating Meaning
Writing Women's Lives
CHAPTER FOUR: Exploring Women's Voices
Discovering Women's Sexuality
Understanding Sex and Sexuality
Sexuality Education: What the Women Learned
Sexuality Education: What the Women Taught
Sexuality and Experience
Sexual Experimentation, Expectation, and Exploitation
Making Choices
Sex and the Single Woman
Looking for Love ... Vlll Healing in Relationships
Sexuality and Self-concept
Expressions of Desire
Sexy Older Women
Not Feeling Sexual
Living in a Woman's Body
Seeking Self-Esteem
A Note in Closing
CHAPTER FIVE: Transitions Towards Wholeness
Awakening Sexuality and Self
Awakenings: Straight Women's Peak Experiences
Awakenings: From Dutiful Wives to Lesbian Lives
Coming Out
Conditions for Exploring our Sexual Selves
Consequences of Women's Sexuality
Permission to Explore our Selves
Finding Role Models
Becoming Whole
Wholeness and Mothering
An Added Note on Becoming Whole
The Wisdom of Older Women
In Summary ix CHAPTER SIX: Permission to be Whole
Women's Sexuality and Identity
Received Knowing
Silence and Disconnection
Objectification: Foreign Bodies
Lesbian Experience: Neither Seen Nor Heard
Aging: The Stranger in the Mirror
Subjective Knowing
Procedural Knowing
Constructed Knowing
Constructing Lesbian Identity
Constructing Definitions of Sexuality
Women's Sexuality and Identity on a Socio-historical Scale
Applying my Learning about Women's Sexuality
Implications for Counselling and Therapy
Examining Self-as-Counsellor
Striving for Social Change
Implications for Teaching Our Children
Implications for Further Research
Reflections on My Learning
Closing Comments on Women's Sexuality REFERENCES
APPENDICES
Appendix A: "Geriatric Sex"
Appendix B: Meeting the Women
Brenda
Jane
Linda
Loretta
Lou
Marie
Nancy
Sandy & Leah
Suzanne
Appendix C: Introductory Letter
Appendix D: Informed Consent Form
Appendix E: Sample Follow-up Letter Women's Sexuality 1
CHAPTER ONE
Introducing Women's Sexuality
Sexuality as a topic of interest is nothing new, although its prominence in scientific circles dates back only to the beginning of the 20th century with the works of
Sigmund Freud and Havelock Ellis (Hester, 1992; Valverde, 1985). Since that time, decades of scientific and philosophical work have contributed to our understanding of sexuality and feminist theorists have spent 30 years challenging classical sexological thought. Historians, anthropologists, philosophers, psychologists and sociologists have examined human sexual behaviour, alluding to its power as a synlbolic cultural activity.
While sex is touted as a private issue, issues of sexuality are very much "present in the public domain as expressions of societal values" (Espin, 1996, p. 103).
Despite the work of these scientists and historians, our cultural discourse for women's sexuality is still largely a work in progress. Part of the reason for this may be that the scientists and philosophers were almost always men. Indeed, Virginia Woolf noted that sex and women's sexuality have attracted not only physicians and biologists but also "agreeable essayists, light-fingered novelists, young men who have taken the
M.A. degree, men who have taken no degree; men who have no apparent qualification save that they are not women" (1929, p. 27). Even as women become involved in the work of understanding sex and sexuality, the discourse remains largely that of men
(Gilfoyle, Wilson, & Brown, 1992). Only recently has there been a trend toward addressing this lack of understanding of women's sexuality by asking women what we think about, talk about, and feel about our sexuality (Daniluk, 1993; 1998; Leroy, 1993; Women's Sexuality 2
Ogden, 1994).
A Context for Exploring Women's Sexuality
Sexuality is a primary aspect of identity development (Daniluk, 1991). At its very core, sexuality is about how we define ourselves as gendered beings and how we relate to ourselves as sexual beings. Identity is fundamentally linked to how we understand ourselves as sexual--how we view ourselves as beings capable of intimate connections to other people on many levels, including physical, and as beings with potential for intense desire, arousal, and sexual release. Historically, sexuality is an aspect of humanity that has linked us variously with animals and with gods, simultaneously celebrated as our bond with nature and the divine and deplored as our connection to 'primitive' species
(Eisler, 1995; Nye, 1999b). Sex and sexual relations are linked to how we see ourselves and how we function in relationships but are also reflective of the economic, religious and political structures of the times (Eisler, 1995).
The dichotomies of sexual and gender identity relate back to the Cartesian and
Aristotelian dicl~otomizationof mind versus body (Daniluk, 1991 ; Sydie, 1994).
Nurturance, feelings, and the body represented the domains of the feminine, while autonomy, rationality, and the mind were associated with masculinity (Belenky, Clinchy,
Goldberger, & Tarule, 1986). In the realm of sexuality, men were icons of agency and reason, and at the same time they were characterized as being hapless victims of their own uncontrollable sex drive. Women were considered to be sexually potent temptresses as well as passive, frigid, morality-keepers (Conboy, Medina, & Stanbury, 1997; Hester,
1992). Women's sexuality was often considered a source of evil--a word derived from Women's Sexuality 3 the root "evem--to be rigidly, if not violently, controlled (Eisler, 1995).
Centuries later, men and women are still separated from each other on the basis of sexuality, with the inscriptions of "male/female", "masculine/feminine", taking precedence over "human" (Bartky, 1997). As if this were not confbsing and problematic enough, we, as women, remain fundamentally disconnected from ourselves, caught in a duality of being both subject and object (Young, 1992). We are exposed to a plethora of images of what women should look like, representations of sex between "beautiful" people, messages of our perpetual inadequacy as sexual beings without tweezing, shaving, dieting, primping (Bartky, 1990; 1997; Wolf, 199 1). The voice of the media on sexuality is forceful and pervasive--often violent and degrading. Yet our personal experiences and meanings for sex and sexuality are to be spoken of in hushed tones or not at all.
The silence is especially profound for women at mid-life and beyond. In a patriarchal culture, women are valued for their reproductive capabilities, for the ways in which they are pleasing to men with youthful, thin good-looks (Pearlman, 1993; Wolf,
199 1). For aging women, this means that sexuality is annulled or deemed irrelevant.
What research we have on older women centres on chronic illness, biological deficiency, and the loss of mothering roles. Clearly, we need a more complete understanding of older women's experiences (Chrisler & Ghiz, 1993). Telling the stories of older women gives voice to their wisdom and their lives and expands our understanding of women's sexuality as a whole.
Discussions of women's sex and sexuality are largely characterized by Women's Sexuality 4 incongruent messages and culturally sanctioned personal silence. As the identity development literature shows, such an environment can profoundly affect our ability to know, to heal, and to express our selves. Deconstructing and re-storying our understanding of women's sexuality requires us to address both the experiential and the institutional components of sexuality, to challenge our own ideas but also to present a resistance to the patriarchal establishments of media, government, and science (Valverde,
1985). As Adrienne Rich (1979) wrote, the "drive to self-knowledge, for women, is more than a search for identity: it is part of our refusal of the self-destructiveness of male- dominated society" (in Gilligan, 1991, p. 7).
My Personal Context for Exploring Women's Sexualitv
I have been a sexual being from the very beginning--just like everyone else.
Given my regard for personal constructions of meaning, my emphasis on voice, and my obvious, intense involvement in this research project, it seems appropriate that I mention my own purpose in conducting this inquiry. My interest is academic, as I have already outlined, but it is also personal.
I grew up in a family where sex and sexuality were not discussed. My only lessons from my family were indirect ones--actions I observed or words I overheard, sometimes when I was not supposed to. Out of these messages came whatever interpretations and understandings my child-self was able to create. And where the messages were lacking, I sought other sources. My friend next door was a year older and she told me what she could. I hungrily poured over our four-volume medical encyclopaedias to learn about plumbing and mechanics and the diseases thereof. My Women's Sexuality 5 character was to always want to be part of things, to have access to information. This desire to know became more intense wherever the information seemed to be something I was not supposed to know about. When told I could read all the Judy Blume books except for Wifey, which was for adults, I immediately obtained a copy of Wify to read covertly under my covers after bedtime. If I wasn't supposed to know about the things in that book, then they had to be really good! The silence around sex became a wide, noisy space, and I became more and more eager to fill it with whatever I could.
As an adolescent, my early experiences of sex were, at best, confusing but enjoyable, and, at worst, painful and violent. The experiences of my friends were similar.
By my early twenties, I had enough painful experiences--sexual and otherwise--to want to make some changes, to want to explore who I was more fully, to develop strength and happiness. I learned about feminism and it became a part of my overall sense of self. Like sexuality, feminism is both something that I study and something that I live. I saw lots of images of sex on television and in magazines. I heard about the struggles of my friends in their relationships. I became more aware of sexual violence, sexually transmitted diseases, and sexist jokes. I began to wonder whether real women were having positive, healthy experiences of sex and, if so, why I wasn't hearing about it.
It seems that women are talking of sex and sexuality in our very intimate relationships, in the offices of therapists, or not at all. As a psychologist, I know that sex
is still a neglected area for counselling. We consider it to be too impolite to ask about sex
and too uncomfortable to really explore it. Sexuality becomes a part of ourselves that we
sequester off or abolish altogether. Yet it is certainly a crucial component of my Women's Sexuality 6 understanding myself in a whole way. When sex is really wonderful, it is one of a few human experiences which encompasses all aspects of our being--physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. There is still a gap in our knowledge about sex and sexuality, a space of
silence that I still feel eager to fill.
Cultivating Purpose
Germaine Greer wrote that "women will be free when they have a positive definition of female sexuality" (in Wolf, 199 1, p. 154). Re-constructing the meanings of women's sexuality is about mending injuries to our wholeness as people (Ogden, 1994).
In keeping with a recent trend in women-centred academic and popular literature, and based on the voices of women, the present study seeks just such re-constructions of meanings for women's sexuality. Although the significance of women's own
conversations as knowledge sources has been emphasized (Surrey, 199 1; Ussher, 1989), women's voices in relation to our own experience of sexuality are still struggling for a place to be heard. Jeri Wine considers the "analysis of sexuality from a women's perspective [to be] one of the most pressing tasks of feminist scholarship" (1985, p. 58).
Defining the Terms
Words such as feminism, sexuality, and self are central to this discussion. While
they may be somewhat difficult to define, I offer an explanation of their meaning to me,
thus giving some framework to this discussion and also placing me again in the context
of this work.
Feminism is, to me, the ongoing and active development of personal and social
consciousness of the damaging, limiting socio-cultural expectations of patriarchy. Women's Sexuality 7
Although its meanings are widely varied, unifying beliefs include the idea that the
"personal is political" and that gender a central social constituent of our worldviews.
Feminism is a counselling theory, a philosophy that cuts across academic discipline, a social movement, an ideology and a way of living. At its roots, feminism is about women. However, it has implications for other oppressed groups as well and has, in the last decade, expanded its focus to address issues of racism, heterosexism, ablism, sizism, and ageism. I was asked at one point if I would write my dissertation as a feminist. I know no other way. I am unapologetically a feminist and this influences the way that I see the world. Feminism requires me to challenge ideas and expectations from the world around me as a researcher, counsellor, woman. I am similarly able to challenge the ideas of feminism, which is necessary to its evolution. The differences among feminisms are generative, essential to the progress of understanding. As Carolyn Heilbrun writes, we cannot blame "female scholars for failing to maintain a unity men have never achieved, and which is not, in fact, conducive to the flowering of any discipline or to the reorganization of knowledge" (1988, p. 20).
Defining sexuality is at least as complicated as defining feminism. It is an enigma, full of paradoxes (Daniluk, 1998) and yet we cannot avoid its presence in our lives.
Sexuality is about our definition as male or female based on reproductive functions, our placement into man or woman based on socio-cultural constructions of gender, our sexual instincts, desires and behaviours, our experience of sex as not only a physical but an emotional, political, spiritual component of our humanity. Sexuality is about our bodies, our relationships, our procreative drives, our feelings. It is about pleasure and pain, Women's Sexuality 8 fantasy and anatomy. To varying extents, it is about power. Sexuality "emerges as a term that points to both internal and external phenomena, to both the realm of the psyche and the material world" (Bristow, 1997, p. 1). For the purposes of this inquiry, sexuality is discussed as "our experience of being sexual." This may include any of the above elements but my own framework for it is connected primarily to our experience of sexual desire as we interact with others, with ourselves, and with the culture while living in women's bodies. Sexuality is our emotions, experiences, values and relationships which relate to sex in direct or indirect ways (Kitzinger, 1983).
The concept of self is significant because of the emphasis on how sexuality relates to identity. I believe that humans have a core self which represents their strengths, spirit and potential for growth. The self is an energy force housed in the body. It is inherently dynamic and relational, interacting with and embedded in a system of cultural, political and social influences (Goldberger, Tarule, Clinchy & Belenky, 1996). Initially, we receive information with open acceptance and even vulnerability. Developing wellness involves an integration of the voice of our inner self with the messages of external influences, a co-constn~ctedknowledge of what we need to be full beings individually and within our environment (Belenky, et al., 1986). Thus, like feminism and sexuality, the self is both a personal and a social construction, guiding our connection to who we are, our purpose for being, and our relationship with others. The sexual self, then, encompasses the beliefs and perceptions we have about sexual aspects of ourselves, which guide our decisions, judgments, feelings and behaviours related to sex (Daniluk,
1998). Women's Sexuality 9
Wondering about Sexuality
My exploration into women's sexuality centres on how it relates to an understanding of self and identity, how the experience of being sexual shapes our understanding of ourselves as women, mothers, feminists, crones and whatever other labels may aid in our self-understanding. The questions underlying my investigation are:
(a) What is women's sense of themselves as a sexual persons?
(b) How did they develop into or become the sexual persons they are?
(c) What does their understanding of themselves as sexual persons mean for their
general understanding of self?
Although I do not intend to ask these questions directly during my conversations with women, I acknowledge them as guides for my exploration of women's sexuality.
My wondering about these issues of sexuality and self is far-reaching-beyond just women, beyond just older women, beyond what the practical limitations of this
dissertation could completely satisfy in my understanding of the experience of sex and
sexuality. But this is my beginning.
Outlining our Path
This dissertation is structured into the chapters typical of academic theses--a
literature review, methodology, results, and discussion. However, the content of these six
sections and the language I use are less consistent with a positivistic framework and more
reflective of the feminist interpretive nature of this inquiry. My voice is present
throughout but becomes more clear as the dissertation progresses. My views guide the
literature chosen and set the tone. Increasingly, I share the actions, thoughts and feelings Women's Sexuality 10 which I had as I engaged with the phenomenon. Finally, my own voice becomes central as I reflect on the process and interpret the content of this inquiry and its implications for our academic and practical understanding of women's sexuality.
Chapter Two presents a review of the literature on women's identity development and women's sexuality. Relevant topics included are voice, embodiment, and agency as they relate to women's development of a sense of self. I provide a brief discussion of women's sexuality as related to issues of aging.
Chapter Three outlines the methods and practices used in this investigation.
Multiple, in-depth interviews provide women with the opportunity to voice their own definitions, experiences, and interpretations of sex and sexuality. My own voice as a researcher, a participant, a woman, and a feminist, will be woven through the study. As
Shulamit Reinharz (1997) proposes, my self is both brought to and created in the inquiry process and both the researcher and the reader should understand this interplay if they are to understand the phenomenon. Therefore, chapter three serves to elucidate my decisions and beliefs in relation to both process and content.
Chapter Four introduces the co-researchers in this inquiry, nine women, all over the age of 45, who chose to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences toward the goal of further understanding women's sexuality. Our emphasis is on the meanings which women construct regarding their own sexuality, how being sexual has taken shape in their lives and how it contributes to an understanding of themselves as women. I explore their stories with the intent of staying true to their voices but also with the acknowledgement that I have chosen what to include of quotes and context. Women's Sexuality 11
Chapter Five is a continuation of the analysis of women's voices. I focus on the stories of sexual awakenings and identity transitions that many women went through as part of moving towards wholeness in their understanding of sexuality and self.
Chapter Six provides a discussion of the women's stories. It represents a weave of their own words, my interpretations of their words, and the academic literature as it pertains to the insights co-constructed during our discussions together. Implications for research, counselling, and education are discussed. As we learn what conditions might be relevant to women openly speaking about, and thoroughly experiencing, their sexual selves, we strive to deepen the way we know ourselves as women, to strengthen our relationships with those around us, and to mend the ways in which our environment and experiences have shaped women's sexuality in the past. Women's Sexuality 12
CHAPTER TWO
Reviewing and Challenging the Literature
The preceding chapter provides a context, rationale and purpose for this study of women's sexuality. Building upon that foundation, I now turn to a review of the relevant literature on women's identity and women's sexuality. This chapter begins with an historical overview of the sex and sex research literature in the 20th Century. Further discussion of identity and sexuality entails a review of the theory of self and of identity development models. Women's sexuality is explored through discussion of issues such as desire, embodiment, power and sense of self. Given nly focus on older women's experience, a review of women and aging is included. Finally, I present the questions, assumptions and implications particular to this inquiry into women's sexuality.
An Historical Overview
I approached the historical literature on sexuality with trepidation. Studying sexuality feels like standing in a large, sparse room with many doors to choose from and a sense that opening certain doors might lead to me being swallowed up by the topic, never to return. For instance, part of me knew that Si-mund Freud was important to any discussion of sexuality. I also knew that he would open up several other doors and so part of me wanted to disregard him with the justification that he has certainly received enough attention already without my 'going there.' I decided that I could include the historical review that I knew to be crucial but maintain a focus that would keep me--and the reader-
-from being engulfed.
I choose to briefly review the key philosophers in the area of sexuality, starting Women's Sexuality 13 with Freud and the other theorists of his day and moving through to postmodern writers such as Luce Irigaray and Michel Foucault. Although this dissertation focuses on the psychology and lived experience of women's sexuality, I also review the physiological literature of Alfred Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, and Helen Singer Kaplan, for their contributions to the sexuality field are undeniably enormous. Finally, I move back into a feminist framework for discussing sexuality. The current literature underlying this inquiry grounds itself in woman-centred theory and psychology.
First Wave Sexolo~v--Freudand the Boys
Turn-of-the-century sexology was both radical and influential in affirming
sexuality as an essential component in human existence and in acknowledging the
psychology, rather than merely the biology, of sexuality (Bristow, 1997; Nicholson,
1994). Any discussion of sexuality would be incomplete without considering the
contributions of Sigmund Freud. In sum, Freud's innovative findings regarding sexuality
were that, (a) sexual life begins when life begins, with even infants being sexual beings,
(b) that 'sexual' and 'genital' are separate terms, with sexuality encompassing thoughts,
behaviours and feelings which go beyond genital sex, and (c) sexual pleasure involves
erogenous zones which may or may not have direct connection to reproduction (Bristow,
1997).
When boiled down to its basic assumptions, it is evident that Freud's research and
writings laid some of the groundwork for studies of sexuality and psychology to
converge. Others joined Freud in the "first wave'' study of sexology, notably Richard von
Krafft-Ebing, Havelock Ellis, Carl Jung, and Jacques Lacan (Bristow, 1997; Faderman, Women's Sexuality 14
1998; Nye, 1999a). Around the turn of the century, Ellis and Krafft-Ebing published case studies of sexual behaviour and particularly of homosexuality. The intent may well have been to study and normalize human sexual behaviour. Freud abstracted his own interpretations of these sexological studies, noting examples of congenital versus acquired sexual pathologies (Bristow, 1997).
Psychoanalysis held the penis/phallus front and centre (Bristow, 1997). Whatever did not fit with this emblem of power, drive and activity, was deemed pathological. Thus, sexological theorists spent a great deal of time judging sexual behaviours as aberrant and giving name to human perversities--castration anxieties, penis envies, deficient sexual impulses, homosexuality, rape fantasies and the like. Women's sexuality was defined in comparison to men's and thus described as passive, receptive, and generally inadequate
(Nicholson, 1993; Wine, 1985). In particular, sexology considered women's romantic love for women to be pathological. Lesbianism, then referred to as female inversion, was viewed as a brain abnormality. It was responsible, at the least, for women's revolt against oppression and, at worst, for suicidal and homicidal acts. What had previously been tolerated or ignored was now feared (Fademan, 1998).
Many of Freud's ideas were rejected by his contemporaries and successors for their overemphasis on sex. Freud's response to this was to become more strident, writing essays such as Fenziniize Sexuality with a building tone of annoyance and anti-feminism
(Young-Bruehl, 1990). Clearly, feminism and psychoanalysis have some disagreements, especially around the whole penis envy concept. Most women confess to some mild penis envy when it comes to needing to pee behind a tree while hiking in the woods. However, Women's Sexuality 15 there is little more to support or explain the notion of a castration complex except for what Karen Homey calls "masculine narcissism" (Homey, 192411967, p. 38). Forty years later, feminism continued its outrage at the penis en\y construct. Radical feminist writer
Kate Millett wrote Sexual Politics (1970), attacking Freud's emphasis on the totally unfounded idea of castration fears, while he concurrently discredited women's reality- based rape fears as being merely fantasies. Further criticisms are directed at psychoanalysis more broadly. While insisting that sexuality be detached from biological determinism (Freud, 193111996), psychoanalysis still connects us to irrational instincts, innate drives and unconscious fantasies that are largely fated (Gallop, 1982 in Bristow,
1997). Psychoanalysis enforces a restricted model of sex and gender, where there is little room for social or psychic (r)evolution.
Michel Foucault studied sexuality because he considered it a "dense transfer point for relations of power" (Foucault, 1978, p. 103). Rather than attacking Freud's notion that sexuality is a powerfbl force that humans and society struggle to repress, Foucault directs his conlmentary to the underlying beliefs about power and inequality (Bristow,
1997). He suggests that, in believing that sexuality is silenced, we have created an entirely new discourse around sexuality, a public discourse about private thoughts, which illuminates our discomfort and passions and power struggles (Foucault, 1978; 1985). His
The Histoiy of Sexuality is three volumes of complex analysis of the patriarchal and heterosexist institutions which maintain our current cultural systenls of power and sexuality.
Michel Foucault and Luce Irigaray are French philosophers at the roots of the Women's Sexuality 16 postmodern movement, a movement that questions and deconstructs the most basic assu~nptionsupon which Western culture functions. Few have criticized Freud more relentlessly or thoroughly than Irigaray. She rejects the phallic dominance of early sexological theory, suggesting instead a powerhl and revered feminine sexuality
(Bristow, 1997). Through acknowledging, even endorsing, autoeroticism and homosexuality, Irigaray notes the ways in which women's sexual pleasures are sustained independently of a penis and, indeed, without the presence of a man. Irigaray's writings have been criticized for being essentialist and just as overly focused on anatomy as
Freud's (Bristow, 1997). Indeed, some of her ideas are even a bit bizarre. However, I believe she sparked a notion of women's sexuality as multiple, fluid, and independent of men. Feminist writers and, in particular, lesbian feminist writers, have built on her woman-centred ideas as part of the (re)visioning of women's sexuality.
Second Wave Sexologv--From Kinsev to Masters and Johnson
What might be considered a "second wave" of sexology came at the end of the first world war when declining birth rates, legalization of divorce and first wave feminism threatened decency and family life @ye, 1999a). One response was the eroticization of marriage. The new generation of sexologists produced marriage manuals to educate people about the "secret delights of marital love" (Nye, 1999a, p. 329). The emphasis was on sexuality as a positive experience and some formerly pathologized sexual behaviours were rejuvenated. The differences between men and women were taken for granted, which is unsurprising given the era. The manuals encouraged men to initiate sex and teach their passive, untutored partners to participate. Masculine desire Women's Sexuality 17 and performance were touted as potential saviours of the marital union. Female anatomy was brought out of the shadows in the hopes that men would engage women in sexual fulfilment (Nye, 1999a).
Alfred Kinsey's bold and groundbreaking contributions to the sexological movement were based on over 18,000 interviews completed between 1938 and 1956. He conducted almost half of these interviews personally (Heidenry, 1997)' questionning volunteer participants about their sex lives and using a coded questionnaire and statistical analysis to probe sensitive and concealed aspects of people's sex lives (Nye, 1999a). Sex entered the clinically scientific arena.
Kinsey considered himself a sexually liberated individual, not only studying and tolerating but applauding and openly participating in some of the era's most disapproved of sexual behaviours. As a zoologist, he concerned himself with "describing individual and group variations in sexual behaviour from an empirical and taxonomic perspective," not with comforting the public with findings of sexual normalcy (Heidenry, 1997, p. 22).
He published Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male in 1948 and was greeted with unexpected brouhaha and two ycars on thc bcst-scllcr list. When he publishcd Sexual
Behavioul. in the Hunzan Female in 1952, the scandal reached U.S. Congress. Now, as
John Heidenry describes it, "the sacred honour of womanl~oodwas at stake" (1997, p. 21) and some claimed that Kinsey's work was paving the way for a Communist takeover in the United States.
Kinsey's statistical findings indicated that premarital sex, adultery, masturbation and oral sex were more common than expected in both women and men. Many were Women's Sexuality 18 disturbed by his implication that women were interested in sex for more than procreative purposes and that women were as capable of sexual response and orgasm as were men
(Heidenry, 1997). Most shocking was Kinsey's assertion that "a considerable portion of the population combines ...both homosexual and heterosexual experiences and/or psychic responses" (Kinsey, 1948, p. 636). This led to the development of a seven-point scale of sexual identity, whereby sexual orientation exists on a continuum and very few people are classified as either 'purely' homosexual or heterosexual. Kinsey was hounded by the
FBI and attacked on several fronts. He continued trying to work after his funding was revoked in 1953 but died of heart failure three years later (Heidenry, 1997).
William Masters, a gynecologist, became heir to Kinsey's intellectual and clinical advances in sex research. The reason, as John Heidenry describes it, was "disgracefully simple. Nobody else in the count ry...g ave a damn enough about whether women got any satisfaction in bed to find out just exactly why not and what to do about it" (1997, p. 23).
Masters was more interested in observing physiology and sexual behaviour than interviewing people about it. The scientific study of sex and sexuality resumed in the laboratory. In the "green room" in thc back of Mastcr's laboratory, more than 10,000 orgasms were experienced by 382 women and 3 12 men, volunteers chosen from a pool of applicants and ranging in age from 18 to 89. Each orgasm was meticulously measured, analyzed, and filmed (Heidenry, 1997).
Virginia Johnson joined Masters as a research associate in 1956. They became a household name following the publication of their pivotal work, Human Sexual
Response, in 1966. This work includes the now classic description of four stages of Women's Sexuality 19 physiological sexual response. These four stages are the foundation of the DSM-IV's classifications of sexual dysfunction and they continue to provide a framework for the treatment of sexual difficulties (Kaplan, 1979). As well, the work of Masters and Johnson contradicted myths about the differences between male and female orgasm and the deleterious effects of aging on sexual response (Nye, 1999a). Female orgasm was central to their research and the following is a description of the experience of women's sexual pleasure:
At orgasm, the grimace and contortion of a woman's face graphically express the increment of myotonic tension throughout her entire body. The muscles of the neck and the long muscles of the arms and legs usually contract into involuntary spasm... the extremities may reflect involuntary carpopedal spasm. ... The physiologic onset of orgasm is signalled by contractions of the target organs, starting with the orgasmic platform in the outer third of the vagina. This platform, created involuntarily by localized vasocongestion and myotonia, contracts with recordable rhythmicity as the tension increment is released. (Masters & Johnson, 1966, p. 128).
It sounds pretty sexy, doesn't it? While not meaning to minimize the significance of these contributions to our physiological understanding of sex, feminists take some issue with Masters and Johnson's research on several levels. First, physiological research reduces human sexual experience to a universalized, compartmentalized, and enlotionally-sterilized set of behaviours. Lenore Tiefer compares their four stage sexual response cycle to a four-stroke internal combustion engine; once fired up, it cycles independently of its origins and from then on works about the same for everyone (Tiefer,
1995). Second, the sexual response cycle strips humans of their contextualized nature and reduces them to a series of fragmented body parts and muscle contractions performing in sequence. Third, Masters and Johnson's research is dramatically genitally-focused Women's Sexuality 20
(Tiefer, 1995). Emphasis is on sexual intercourse and orgasm, perpetuating the heterosexist, pleasure-limiting and experientially incomplete notions of sex which characterize twentieth century sexology. The criticisms of Masters and Johnson intensified when they published Hot~~osexualityin Perspective in 1979. Fellow sex therapists such as Bernie Zilbergeld and gay activists such as Damien Martin challenged the methodology and the ethics of Masters and Johnson's decades of research.
Particularly concerning were the implications for people struggling with issues of sexual orientation (Heidenry, 1997).
Some of Masters and Johnson's decisions, such as the use of sex surrogates in their clinical practice and their initial support for the idea of homosexual conversion therapy, seem naive and sexist in reflection. Masters and Johnson, both self-identified feminists, married to one another for a number of years, and still offering their famed sex therapy for couples, admit now that they can barely stand to read their publications because of the archaic language used there. However, their work was undeniably important, paving the way for the sexual revolution and opening doors for a great deal of additional sexological research that would have otherwise been scandalous, Their most important contribution to women's sexology was their challenge to Freud's concept of clitoral versus vaginal orgasm. Combining feminist analysis and scientific approaches,
Masters and Johnson provided "proof that a woman's orgasm is not penis dependent but anato~nicallyand psychosexually self-sufficient" (Heidenry, 1997, p. 18).
Women Enter the Sexologv Scene
In the tradition of Masters and Johnson and their west coast counterparts, William Women's Sexuality 21
Hartman and Marilyn Fithian, came psychiatrist and sex therapist Helen Singer Kaplan.
Although Masters and Johnson included sexual desire as a stage in their taxonomy, lack
of desire was not mentioned as a problem in either of their books. Helen Singer Kaplan discovered the role of sexual desire in treating sexual dysfunction when she began to review the failures in her sex therapy practice (Kaplan, 1979). Her 1979 follow-up to The
New Sex Therapy was devoted to discussions and case examples of desire's role in sexual problems. In a sexology field dominated by physiologists, Helen Singer Kaplan
introduced more fully the concepts of psychology and psychotherapy into the understanding of sexual behaviour and experience (Heidenry, 1997).
Lonnie Barbach is a critical figure in the study of women's sexuality because she brought together an understanding of anatomy and physiology with psychological and
feminist perspectives. Her first book, For Yourself(Barbach, 1975), encouraged women to get to know themselves sexually from physically exploring and developing comfort with their own genitals to examining gender roles and sexist power struggles. While her
focus was on women achieving orgasm, she included aspects of relationships, self-image, pregnancy, menopause, and women's emotional relationships with their bodies. A
champion for masturbation and fantasy, Lonnie Barbach continues to encourage women
to own their sexuality and to empower them to take charge of their pleasure.
Beverley Whipple also emerged as a champion for women's sexual pleasure. In
1983, she and fellow sex researchers John Perry and Alice Ladas published The G-Spot
and Other Recent Discoveries about Human Sexuality. Their exposure of women's G-
spot "sent thousands of women probing their vaginal walls, tapping for orgasmic Women's Sexuality 22 tremors" (Heidenry, 1997, p. 301). Beverley Whipple's work continues to focus on physiological components of women's sexual pleasure, in particular studying non-genital orgasms (Whipple, Ogden & Komisaruk, 1992), women's ejaculation (Belzer, Whipple,
& Moger, 1984), and the impact of sexual arousal on pain threshold (Whipple &
Komisaruk, 1988). Although much of her work follows in the physiological tradition of
Masters and Johnson, Beverley Whipple has emphasized women's sexual pleasure and climax, thus offering new insights into women's experience of sex. Her recent work is more qualitative in nature, emphasizing love relationships and sexuality for women with spinal cord injuries and women who are HIV-positive (Richards, Tepper, Whipple, &
Komisaruk, 1997; Wesley, Smeltzer, Redeker, Walker, Palumbo, & Whipple, 2000), suggesting a trend toward more understanding of the experience of sex and sexuality, rather than just the anatomy of it.
Women's role in sexology seemed to be largely about bringing emotions, values and experiences into our physiological study of sex. Sheila Kitzinger's (1983) Women's
Experience of Sex is a comprehensive guide to women's sexuality similar to Lonnie
Barbach's first book but without the emphasis on achieving orgasm. Kitzinger explores hormones, orgasm and "genital geography" but also communication, power and self- confidence as components of sexuality. She hrthers the understanding of sex with discussions and photographs of people often marginalized in sexuality literature even today, with sections on same sex love relationships, people with physical disabilities, and the impact on sexuality of losing a partner or losing a breast. Her book remains one of my favourites when referring people to a guide to exploring their sexuality. Women's Sexuality 23
The Impact of the Feminist Movement
Nicholson (1 994) summarizes the feminist critique of sexology as encompassing three main challenges. First, feminists have sought to make apparent the relationship between gender inequality and sexuality. The relationship between politics and sex arises in debates regarding fertility and abortion, and extends to issues such as wage inequity.
Second, feminists are concerned with the consequences of heterosexuality, noting that the social relations between men and women often support the patriarchal suppression of women. Third, power analysis is a central ingredient of the feminist movement which relates directly to sexuality, from examination of patriarchal discourse and sexual violence to advocating for women's rights to sexual pleasure (Nicholson, 1994).
It would be neglectful of me to discuss only the contributions of academic feminism to women's sexuality without acknowledging the profound role of the feminist movement. Foremost in this movement, where women's sexuality is concerned, is the work of Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood. She watched her mother die at age 48 after giving birth to 11 children, and later witnessed the economic and physical effects of uncontrolled fertility while working as a public health nurse. These experiences inspired Margaret Sanger to dedicate herself to destroying the barriers to the dissemination of birth control and contraception information (Schneir, 1996). She was instrumental in the development and legalization of the birth control pill, believing that the right to voluntary motherhood was women's "key to the temple of liberty" (Sanger,
1920, p. 327).
Margaret Sanger died in 1966, the same year that Masters and Johnson published Women's Sexuality 24 their landmark work and only a short time before the birth control pill and abortion were legalized in the U.S. She is a model of how women's consciousness of oppression can lead to advocacy and change in our social system. Her courageous work inspired greater attention to women's health issues on both technical and political fronts. The decades since Margaret Sanger have included debates about abortion, the ravages of AIDS, and the impact of breast and gynaecological health advances; the women's health movement and women's sexuality remain inextricably connected (Parker, Barbosa, & Aggleton,
2000).
In 1963, Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique, an investigation into the unhappy and unfulfilled lives that her cohorts were describing. A full-time wife and mother, she also pursued a career writing for women's magazines. She surveyed women at her fifteenth high school reunion and wrote an article on how they felt dissatisfied with their home-bound and male-centred lives. Her article was rejected by several magazines.
Angered by this censorship of women's experiences, Betty Friedan turned it into a book.
The Fenzinine Mystique sold three million copies, evidence of the number of women seeking sexual emancipation (Heidenry, 1997).
By 1968, the radical feminist movement was an important social influence, giving rise to the writings of women such as Andrea Dworkin, Catherine MacKinnon and Kate
Millett, who dismissed Betty Friedan's 1963 best-seller, The Feminine Mystique, as a
book for "housewives" (Heidenry, 1997). Dworkin, MacKinnon and Millett wrote
intensely scathing tracts about the hateful and domineering rule of men over women.
They chastised heterosexual relationships as a breeding ground for women's oppression Women's Sexuality 25 and they fought militantly against pornography. The ideas of sexism and women as sex objects and violence victims became popular notions, even among those who did not align themselves with the extremes of Dworkin's publications. The most prominent feminist of the seventies was, of course, a young journalist named Gloria Steinem.
Significantly, her feminist action took root at a 1970 speakout on abortion, where she describes having heard women telling the truth about their lives in public for the first time (Steinem, 1992). She was moved to tell the story of her own abortion experience and to question why such a common experience was silenced and illegal (Heidenry, 1997).
Women were exploring sexuality on many fronts--academic, clinical, philosophical, social and practical. Social change and practical knowledge about women's bodies and desires contributed to the reclamation of women's sexuality. Books such as Our Bodies, Ourselves by the Boston Women's Health Collective and Lonnie
Barbach's For Yourselfbecame classics. Our Bodies, Ourselves is in ongoing revision and re-publication, offering women ways of taking control of their physical, emotional and sexual health. Increasingly, the last decade has brought other writers to the shelves to present views on sex and sexuality from the perspective of real people--real women with real experiences. There is a surge of women's erotica (Barbach, 1984; Sheiner, 1998) and writings of women's fantasies (Friday, 1991). Granted, feminists do not always agree on whether or not it is advantageous to have this information as part of our cultural revolution on women's sexuality. However, it has certainly opened the door for women to acknowledge our desires, fantasies, and sexual behaviours.
The above represents only a very partial review of the women who have Women's Sexuality 26 contributed to the science and philsophy of women's sexuality in the past two decades.
Their feminist critiques provide a theoretical examination of the politics of sexuality
(MacKinnon, 1994), the importance of gender (Kaschak, 1992), and woman-supplied, woman-centred information about sex (Hite, 1987). Viewing sexuality as a social construction has implications for research and therapy. It makes it possible to conceive of a space where women can constitute an individual subjectivity without losing their connection to being women and to the related socio-cultural and historical influences
(Wittig, 1997). The result of construction/deconstruction is an interplay of personal and political, a potential new world "beyond the sexual response cycle, beyond the coital imperative, beyond the norms of patriarchal culture, even beyond the norms of diverse feminist groups" (Tiefer, 1995/1999, p. 63). Despite great variation in sexuality, much of the academic literature continues to support, at worst, the heterosexist and positivistic assumptions of traditional sexology and, at best, a homogenous-sounding fledgling construction of what "women's sexuality" means.
The Latest News on Constructinp Women's Sexuality
Recent explorations into women's sexuality accentuate women's perspectives and highlight the positive components of women's experience of sex. Gina Ogden (1994) spoke to "women who love sex" across two decades as a sex researcher and therapist.
Her book represents composite sketches of these women of different ages, backgrounds, sexual orientations, and sexual experiences. Her communication of their stories is in response to a culture which has recently focused on teaching women that we can say "no" to sexual violence and coercion, but has forgotten to mention that we can also say "yes" Women's Sexuality 27 to pleasure. Joanne Marrow's (1997) study provides a structured interview forum for women to communicate their experiences of sex and sexual pleasure. Jalaja Bonheim's
(1997) book depicts women of various religious and spiritual traditions exploring sexuality in the context of spirituality as a means of healing shame and seeking pleasure.
A dialogue around women's sexual experience, and even sexual desire, is emerging.
Women-centred academic literature agrees that sexuality is an important component of self, integrating physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms. It is crucial to how we, as women, view ourselves in relation to others and is thus essentially connected to how we relate to ourselves and our bodies (Daniluk, 1993; Jordan, 1987).
This belief underlies Judith Daniluk's (1993) study which asked ten women to discuss their sexual and reproductive histories in group meetings held over a period of several weeks. Themes derived from the group interview data indicated that particular events in the women's psychosexual development, and structural influences such as religion and media, were perceived by the women to have impacted their sexual expression and sense of self. Women told of experiences of oppression and violence. They suggested that "a greater connection to female knowledge, culture, and wisdom" is essential on the road to healing women's sexuality (Daniluk, 1993, p. 67). Women in the study who were in
'healthy' sexual relationships reported general feelings of joy, validation, integration, and comfort with themselves and with their significant other.
Daniluk's various studies into the topic of women's sexuality evolved into a book which seeks to understand how sexuality is lived and defined by women across the life span (Daniluk, 1998). Daniluk frames her information from women in an interactional Women's Sexuality 28 context, putting biopsychosocial, developmental and experiential information into the context of women's lives. Each chapter addresses women's sexuality at a particular life stage, and Daniluk uses her clinical experience to add practical suggestions for working with women in therapy. Her emphasis on meaning and reconstruction of meaning is a model for ongoing work in the area of women's sexuality and certainly has a profound influence on my present inquiry.
Margaret Leroy's (1 993) study of fifty British women asked questions about sexual experiences over the life span. The stories of her participants filled a book with themes ranging from child sexual abuse to the sensuousness of motherhood, from faking orgasms to sexual fantasies. Most of the stories were of "sad and painfbl sex" (Leroy,
1993, p. 304). In her epilogue, she reflects on one of the rare stories of sex which was happy, affirming, and transcended physicality to a more holistic version of pleasure.
From such stories, she suggests that there is another image of what sex could be like for women. Similarly, Daniluk (1991) identifies a need to adopt a "positive, healthy vision of female sexuality" (p. 439). Based on the current literature of women's voices about sex and sexuality, I believe that defining what such a vision--or visions--1oolts like, and how women might get there, is the crucial work yet to be done in the area of women's sexuality.
Women's Identity Developnlent
Identity is constructed through an individual's interaction with both environmental context and self-understanding. The influences of the external world are powerful socializers which need to be balanced with an internal sense of self-worth and Women's Sexuality 29 strong values in order for people to find security and personal peace (Barrett, 1998;
Myers, Speight, Highlen, Cox, Reynolds, Adams, & Hanley, 1991). The internal aspect of identity has historically been emphasized by clinical and developmental theories. The ideal of a mature adult in Western society requires increasing self-control, striving for achievement, and moving towards an autonomous, individuated self (Enns, 199 1; Jordan,
1997b). Separatist models ignore the relational con~ponentof identity development with their overemphasis on individual freedom, independence, and self-sufficiency, For example, Erik Erikson's ego identity model asserts that intimacy with others in adulthood is established only after identity is consolidated (Jordan, 1987). Erikson's model explains women's tendency to look to relationships prior to developing a stable, independent identity as their need to fill an "inner space" with a husband and children (McBride,
1990).
There are a variety of general models for psychosocial identity development (for example, Bilsker, 1992)' and specific models of racial or moral identity development. The models most fitting for the discussion of women's sexuality are those which have taken into account the specific, and sometimes uniquc, expcricncc of womcn. As well, models of cross- cultural and feminist identity status may be appropriately compared since the "common experience of oppression serves as a uniQing factor among... diverse groups" (Myers, et al., p. 54). Models such as self-in-relation theory (Surrey, 1991) or "women's ways of knowing"
(Belenky, et al., 1986)' highlight women learning about themselves through connection with
others. Relationships create the opportunity for the self to be reflected back in either healthy
or unhealthy ways, helping the individual define who she is and who she might wish to be. Women's Sexuality 30
Object relations theorists highlight the centrality of relationships in the developmental process. However, they also cling to Freudian theoretical concepts such as the pleasure principle and objectivity, thereby continuing to define people as passive beings ruled by instincts and drives (Jordan, 1997b). Overemphasis on the mother- daughter relationship is another limitation of this theory (Enns, 199 I), in particular because women are pathologized by making mothers the primary source of difficulties in living. However, feminist object relations models, in addition to the work of early symbolic interactionists and Piagetian models of adaptation, are credited with providing foundations of a more relational approach to development (Enns, 199 1).
The debate between a connected versus a separate path of identity development coincides with the debate on women's versus men's epistemological models. Indeed, any attempt to understand development must examine the ways in which authorized knowledge is gendered (Debold, Tolman, & Brown, 1996). Feminist models of identity development highlight the ways in which gender is culturally, linguistically, or politically constructed, as well as individually constructed through personal meaning-making. Each person's sense of self and of gender subjectisity is thus an "inextricable fusion or melding of personally created ...and cultural meaning" (Chodorow, 1995, p. 5 17).
Alternatively, masculinist developmental theories neglect the individual and contextual experiences of women, or, even worse, compare their experiences to those of men in such a way that women are pathologized (Gilligan, 1982).
Relational Models
That women come to know themselves and live in the world largely through their Women's Sexuality 3 1 relationships with others is an assumption shared by both self-in-relation theory (Miller,
1976; Surrey, 199 1) and research on "women's ways of knowing" (Belenky, et al., 1986).
These beliefs are also centrally supported by the work of Carol Gilligan (1982), which critiques and counters traditional theories of moral development. Gilligan asserts that models which idealize an ethic of impartiality and justice disadvantage women, who are more likely to make decisions based on an ethic of responsibility and care. Relational theories are criticized for promoting the essentialist concept of "the core self in women"
(Surrey, 199 1, p. 58) and for the tendency toward idealizing relationships. However, there is much to be learned from enlphasizing what are generally considered to be women's strengths and values, particularly considering the centuries of powerfbl forces which have ignored or diminished these qualities (Miller, Jordan, Kaplan, Stiver, &
Surrey, 1997).
The research of Carol Gilligan and of Mary Belenky and her colleagues begins by asking women, "how would you describe yourself to yourself?" The significance of this question lies in its inherent assumption that the woman herself is a valid source of knowing, despite the subjectivity of her knowing--and maybe even because of it. That women should have the opportunity to know themselves, and that what they know should be important enough to be heard by another, is the essence of the concepts of subjectivity, voice, and empathic relationships. These ideas are central to relational models of women's identity development. The developmental process proposed by the
'women's ways of knowing' research is considered to be supportive of these concepts and is presented here as a prelude to further discussion on women's sexuality. Women's Sexuality 32
Women's ways of knowing. Silent knowers are created by a profoundly isolating and demeaning environment. Women grow to see themselves as "deaf and dumb", lacking confidence in their ability to know, to make meaning, and to have something to offer the world (Belenky, et al., 1986). Received knowers know only what they take in from the world around them. External knowledge sources are considered to be more authoritative and reliable than what a received knower might subjectively understand.
Non-reciprocal relationships and invalidating messages reinforce silent and received knowing; women fear diminishing others by speaking on their own behalf and, rather than risk their connection to others, women's own knowledge goes underground (Stiver
& Miller, 1997).
Relationships providing mutuality, reciprocity, and empathy have the potential to teach women that their subjective knowledge is valuable, helping them to move out of silent and received ways of knowing and to disentangle their own voice from that of others (Belenky, et al., 1986). Subjective knowiilg involves listening to the inner voice, thus creating internal resources which begin to counter external messages. Women learn to stop invalidating or minimizing their own knowledge, to trust that which they "j~st know." Subjective knowers necessarily split from objective truth, which has failed to give women a way to interpret their experience of the world (Debold, et al., 1996).
Procedural knowing involves an analytical inner voice through which women begin to question themselves and their subjective perspectives. While this may be experienced as silencing at times, it differs from silent knowing in that it is not passive.
The awareness of subjective knowledge remains; however, "reason is stirring" (Belenky, Women's Sexuality 33 et al., p. 95). Women identified as constructed knowers describe an integration of internal and external sources of knowledge, appreciating that their perspective as a knower makes them an intimate part of the known. The emphasis in constructed knowing is on the self as a tool of understanding in a process of ongoing evaluation of assumptions and beliefs, rather than on simple mastery of information (Belenky, et al., 1986; Miller, 1976).
According to identity models promoting connected knowing, problems arise, not from a difficulty in separating, but from difficulties in staying connected while still exploring and developing a distinct self-concept (Enns, 1991).
An Additional Note on Relational Identitv Models
Criticisms of the relational identity models address methodological and episten~ologicalissues. For instance, the model presented by Belenky and her colleagues is criticized for seeming to present a stage theory, which reinforces the linear, hierarchical notions that feminists generally discredit (Gould, 1988). As well, the women's identity theories often appear essentialist, proposing a particular view of women which is largely based on the perspective of white, educated, privileged women
(Jordan, 1997b). IVomanhood is not a homogenous, coherent, unitary concept. Some women are not particularly connected to others, are not nurturing or even very empathic.
A dualistic interpretation of male and female identity is simplistic at best. At worst, such simplifications may support a patriarchal status quo; making women 'different' maximizes differences from men and legitimates differential treatment on the basis of conventional gender definitions (Bohan, 1993; Gould, 1988).
In the last decade, postmodernist philosophy and feminist thought have combined Women's Sexuality 34 to give a more diverse view of women's realities. Exploration of multiple realities and of different forms of oppression is fostering a renewed interest in defining what feminism really believes, what being a woman really means. Updated essays on the thinking and application of relational theories are being published to respond to criticisms of earlier ideas, as well as to expand our theoretical understanding of women's identity development (Goldberger, et al., 1996; Jordan, 1997a).
Identity generally results from a balance of self-awareness developed through individual introspection with a connection to others and responsiveness to environmental context. Thus, identity is simultaneously a personal and a social process (Golden, 1987).
Further, neither affiliation nor autonomy alone creates a person's sense of self (McBride,
1990). The process of self-identification involves much flux and conflict, depending on the social, cultural, ideological challenges of the situation and the person's resources for addressing them (Espin, 1996). Relational models have made a highly significant contribution by valuing reciprocal, empathic connections and voice as a means of knowing self and the world. These concepts are particularly powerful in the discussion of sexuality, which is necessarily understood through its relational and contextual aspects.
Cultural Identity Development
Cultural models vary in their number and specific content of 'stages' but primarily involve a move from internalized racism toward personal acceptance and empowerment. Racial or cultural models are similar to feminist identity development theories (Downing & Roush, 1985) and likely also similar to other constructed minority sub-cultures. Our sense of self-worth requires acknowledging all aspects of ourselves and Women's Sexuality 35 challenging oppressive contextual messages. Thus, it is generally agreed that positive identification with one's minority group is an important component of psychological health (Tatum, 1997).
The present discussion draws upon the Black identity development model of
Cross (197 1, in Tatum, 1997) and the feminist identity development model of Downing and Roush (1985). Cross' stage of pre-encounter or encounter, also referred to in feminist identity as passive acceptance, is similar to descriptions of received knowing whereby the messages of the dominant group are accepted sources of knowledge and preferred values.
The stage(s) involving resistance, immersion, and embeddedness connect(s) with the idea of subjective knowing. The individual rejects the dominant culture in favour of what she or he knows from personal experience and from relating to selected peers. Finally, a process of internalization, integration, and commitment provides a consolidation of minority group principles with dominant culture values, just as the constructed knower
creates a functional and personally acceptable understanding of both internal and external
worlds. The comparison between women's identity development models and the identity
development theories of oppressed groups provides a strong basis for understanding
lesbian identity and, further, women's sexual identity.
Lesbian Identity Development
Oliva Espin (1996) refers to "lesbian immigrants" to highlight the similarities
between lesbians and cultural newcomers in confronting a minority identity. Both
processes involve crossing borders into a new perspective, requiring a new support
system, new lifestyle, new cultural rules, and even new language. The transition is aided Women's Sexuality 36 if a sense of belonging is available to mediate isolation and feeling 'different', thus creating a group identity to foster individual identity (Cox & Gallois, 1996).
Development of both group and individual identity is essential, providing a sense of stability in one's understanding of self and a feeling of belonging in a broader system.
This need for stability may be especially strong for minority individuals (Barrett, 1998).
Identifying with two or more 'inferior' statuses--as lesbians do, by definition-- translates into a potentially greater experience of oppression (Cox & Gallois, 1996).
Messages of the dominant culture(s) teach minority individuals that they are inadequate or of little value and the voice of the self is thus quieted. Many gay women describe a feeling of being invisible, or 'living underground,' and a process of gaining voice through connecting with community and their own lesbian identity (Zemsky, 1991). Just as gynephobia teaches that women are supposed to hate each other (and therefore, themselves), identifjhg as a lesbian requires women to embrace an identity which is stigmatized by society (Barrett, 1998; Espin, 1996; Faderman, 1998). Learning to love themselves is about learning to love women in a sexist and androcentric culture. The identity process thus requires lesbians to examine internalized sexist and homophobic beliefs. Breaking from the traditional concept of what women should be--and, particularly, what they should be for men--means risking severe disapproval (Harding,
1994; MacKinnon, 198911994). The instability created in women's relationships can add to the sense of flux in self-concept (Belenky, et al., 1986). Thus, "no matter how glad the
immigrant might be to be in a new country, the transitions created by immigration often result in profound dysphoria" (Espin, 1996, p. 101). Women's Sexuality 37
Defining Lesbianism. To make things more complicated, there is no categorical definition of what a lesbian is. Adrienne Rich supported the concept of a "homosexual continuum" which provides for the variability in women's affect and behaviour in relationships with other women (Harding, 1994; Shuster, 1987). Fluid definitions of sexuality may be considered both an opportunity for women to construct a lesbian identity which is meaningful to them and a source of confusion. Thus, lesbian identity development is con~plicatednot only by homophobia, but by the diverse and indescribable nature of sexuality itself (Golden, 1987).
Most women identifying as lesbian describe some awareness of being different in early childhood, although the source of this difference is not usually identified until much later (Cox & Gallois, 1996; Zemsky, 199 1). Sometimes there is a particular experience or crisis which acts as a catalyst to the examination of lesbian identity, for example, going to college where the issue of sexuality becomes more safe and more salient (Golden,
1987), or developing a consciousness about women's oppression and women's choices
(Shuster, 1987). The period of self-examination usually involves testing homosexual identity through experimentation, leading to more contact with the homosexual community (Cox & Gallois, 1996). The exploring and connecting process is similar to the immersion stage discussed in racial and feminist identity models. An initially tentative, and eventually more firm, commitment is made to lesbian identity. One task of identity development may be viewed as making connections to self and others in the face of feeling very different (Pipher, 1994). Creating positive distinctiveness by noting ways that being lesbian is favourably different from being straight, making positive Women's Sexuality 38 associations with group membership, and finding validation in disclosure of the new identity, is part of moving towards self-acceptance (Barrett, 1998; Cox & Gallois, 1996).
Distinctions are often made between primary lesbians, who experienced a sense of difference in childhood or early adolescence and whose identity remains relatively stable across time, and elective lesbians, who generally identify as lesbians later in life.
As well, some women view their sexuality as a central, basic, and enduring aspect of who they are, while others experience sexuality as more of a dynamic and fluid component of identity (Golden, 1987). It is interesting that these distinctions in lesbian identity do not appear to exist for gay men. For example, very few men would identify as elective homosexuals or would describe their homosexuality as fluid and mutable (Golden, 1987).
I choose not to speculate on the causes and implications of this difference. However, I note that it supports the methodological and epistemological bases for not generalizing from the study of men's sexuality to the experience of women--or vice versa.
Sandra Harding asserts that "it is only from the perspective of lesbian lives that women can imagine female sexualities that are not just for others but for women, ourselves" (1994, p. 350). While I would not support the exclusionary nature of this statement, I agree that lesbian identity has much to teach us about women's identity in general. The conceptual frameworks structuring the historical and sociological world are heterosexual, meaning that women's lives are most frequently seen as they relate to men.
Compulsory heterosexuality is as much a socio-political construct as is gender. A lesbian standpoint allows us to imagine contexts for women which do not require--or even desire--men, socially or sexually. Women's Sexuality 39
Women's Sexuality, Women's Voices
The link between sexuality and identity is most clear when one looks at the impact of a sexist culture on issues such as self-esteem. It is difficult to imagine how one could experience systemic rejection of one's personhood as a woman and not internalize some of that negativity. It seems unreasonable to expect that women could be taught to dislike their bodies, their emotions, their womanhood, and yet still like themselves
(Sanford & Donovan, 1985). Mary Pipher (1994) identifies one task for girls' development as "the old issue of coming to terms with their own sexuality, defining a sexual self, making sexual choices and learning to enjoy sex" (p. 205). With diverse messages from family, school, church, media, it is difficult for girls and women to integrate these messages into a value system which makes sense for them personally.
Women who show "too much, too little, or the wrong kind of sexual interests" are likely to be labeled abnormal (Tiefer, 1988, p. 7). The Madonna-Whore complex--or, renamed in the language of lily adolescence, the 'Frigid-Nympho' complex--is alive and well. speak in^ of Desires
Naorni Wolf (1997) refers to women's sexual pleasure as "skipped homework."
Even as very young women, there is an awareness that our sexual desires can lead us onto dangerous ground. An unconscious--and arguably functional--choice is made to ignore our own body's messages of desire, to savour our self-control while complying with the silence and erotic forgetfulness (Leroy, 1993; Thompson, 1990). The surrounding messages are conflicting: parenting 'experts' encourage us to raise young women to be whole people while the media reduces them to bodies or parts of bodies; Women's Sexuality 40 television and movies show how the sophisticated, beautiful people have sex all the time without mention of protection or forethought while other influences warn that casual sex can kill us. Thus, sexual desire develops and exists in connection with guilt and sexual victimization (Pipher, 1994; Wolf, 1997). Sex becomes frightening and bewildering but to express fear and confusion carries the risks of rejection and humiliation. So girls are left on their own to figure out where sex meets with need, love, vulnerability, and passion
(Wolf, 1997).
Michelle Fine (1988) examines four ways of speaking about sex derived from her studies of American public schools. The first, sexuality as violence, teaches children about sex as a form of abuse, as something ugly to fear and avoid. Second, sexuality as victimization introduces sex as dangerous, particularly for heterosexual women and homosexual men. Women are taught to be fearful of men, to say "no" to sex, in order to protect themselves. The third discourse is sexuality as individual morality, which supports subjectivity and decision-making around sexuality so long as decisions made are consistent with moral judgments (Fine, 1988). Advocacy for premarital abstinence is the text or sub-text. The emphasis is on women learning to defend against sexual desire, usually meaning the desire of men, since our own is rarely spoken of.
I note here that abstinence generally refers to resisting sexual intercourse. Little is said of pleasures such as petting, masturbation, or oral sex. The assumption is that 'real sex' requires penile penetration (Gilfoyle, et al., 1992). Much of women's sexual pleasure comes from activities other than intercourse (Sanders, 199 l), but the coital imperative still exists as the ultimate sex, that which women are supposed to protect Women's Sexuality 41 against or strive for. Obviously, such a discourse contributes to the profound silence surrounding lesbian sexual desire. Lesbians are not sexual at all by heterosexist definitions. Their desire is even more completely omitted from the sexuality discourse than that of heterosexual women (Tolman, 1991).
The fourth construct is a discourse of desire, which Michelle Fine considers to be but a whisper within educational, medical and social institutions. A discourse of desire invites girls and women to explore what feels desirable and right for them, working within the context of their experience, needs and limits. Such a discourse permits women to be initiators as well as negotiators in sexual relationships (Fine, 1988). Rather than only teaching women to say 'no', a discourse of desire encourages women to say 'yes' to pleasurable, respectful, consenting sex (Ogden, 1994). Mary Pipher (1994) considers the difficulty adolescent girls had in group discussions with the task of describing a decent date with a boy. They wanted to be both sexy and respected and could not conceive of how these things could come together. It is hard to imagine how we can desire what we do not know (Debold, et al., 1996). Not naming women's sexual desire and pleasure places their very existence in question.
As women begin to talk about our sexual desires, there is astonishment and relief to hear that other women have sexual desire too, that we are not perverted or weird or alone. In addition to the assurances of writers such as Lonnie Barbach (1 976) and Sheila
Kitzinger (1983) that women are sexual, women's own voices, fantasies and erotica are hitting the presses. Many of the letters appearing in Nancy Friday's (1991) books begin with lines of appreciation for making it known that other women have sexual fantasies, Women's Sexuality 42 acknowledging that they thought they were abnormal and that other women did not feel and dream and desire as they did. Gina Ogden (1994) interviewed hundreds of 'women who love sex'--and I suspect she did not find us all. Women are 'coming out' as sexual beings.
Naming and Owning Our Bodies
The absence of a discourse for female desire is evidenced in the lack of an accurate, complete, comfortable vocabulary for women's body parts (Lerner, 1996;
Leroy, 1993; Valentich, 1990). 'Hoo-haw' and 'down there' are cute, but not very descriptive terms for female genitals. Teaching girls 'vagina' is more factual. However, the vagina is not the most visible of body parts and it is not especially functionally significant to most women's sexual pleasure. The reluctance to name the vulva, labia and clitoris may be viewed as Western culture's linguistic equivalent to the surgical excision of women's genitals as practiced in other cultures (Lerner, 1996).
Not naming women's bodies leads us to feel shame, confusion and insecurity about our genitals (Tiefer, 1996), which is a reason why Lonnie Barbach's (1976) exercise of having women draw and label their vulva is still a therapeutic staple. Creating a positive identity as a sexual being requires access to accurate information, clear language, and positive metaphors for women's sexuality. The current discourses around women's sexuality announce that women are not agents of their own pleasure, that "what is sexual is what gives a man an erection" (MacKinnon, 1994, p. 265). Men give women orgasms. Women lose their virginity to men. A patriarchal and heterosexist system makes women--and therefore women's sexuality--second class (Gilfoyle, et al., 1992; Harris, Women's Sexuality 43
1979).
One study asked women to name an equivalent female body part for the male's penis and most women chose not to give one answer. Some said they did not know and others articulated that they felt their sexuality was not defined by just one locatable zone
(Gilfoyle, et al., 1992). Luce Irigaray (1977/1997), in "the sex which is not one," defines women's sexuality as pluralistic, self-contained, and inherently auto-erotic as the two lips of the labia remain in constant contact. While I am not totally persuaded by her ideas, I extract from them support for the idea that women's bodies, and women's sexuality, are not appropriately defined by dichotomous, simplistic, masculinist terms.
Embodiment. Western culture defines women by our bodies and inscribes upon us what it would like women to be (Bordo, 1993; 1997). As Naomi Wolf (1997) puts it,
"'demonstrate that you are a woman' means simply 'take off your clothes."' (p. 135). Our bodies and our identities are inseparable; we are defined largely by our appearance and we learn to evaluate ourselves first and best (Bartky, 1990). Our bodies are experienced as both a source of identity and a source of our oppression as women (Daniluk, 1993;
Debold, et al., 1996). Enormous energy is directed towards attending to the body, decorating and shaping it, making it pleasing to others. Simultaneously, women are required to ignore and mistrust our bodies and to disparage its messages (Bartky, 1997;
Liss-Levinson, 1988; Young, 1992). For instance, menarche is considered a rite of passage into biological womanhood but also an event symbolic of engendered, embodied, sexualized womanhood. The quiet messages of valuing the cyclicity and powerfulness are intertwined with pervasive images of disgust and shame. Girls describe feelings of Women's Sexuality 44 betrayal and vulnerability, of something having been taken from them in the process of becoming women (Lee, 1994).
Iris Young (1 992) chronicles the way in which women have a sense of our bodies as being burdensome and limiting. Women move in contradictory ways, wanting to believe that we can and at the same time hearing a voice which says we cannot. This conflict translates into a self-fulfilling prophecy. We become more uncertain and awkward and our physical performance declines from what we are actually capable of, thus reinforcing the idea that our bodies are neither able nor trustworthy. Constricting movement, not using our full space or range of motion, not speaking to our full voices, become ways for women to gain distance from our own bodies (Young, 1992). While such dissociation is harmful, it is also adaptive in a culture which so values reason and which does not include corporeal knowledge in its definition of rationality (Debold, et al.,
1996). Indeed, for women to move in an open, free, active way may be to invite objectification and even invasion (Young, 1992).
Women in recent interpretive research studies have described experiences of healthy sexual relationships as involving a sense that they could trust themselves and their bodies. They experienced self and body as an integrated whole (Bonheim, 1997;
Daniluk, 1993; Leroy, 1993). If women do not perceive our bodies as pleasing, or capable, or honourable, it is hard to imagine how we can act as agents in acknowledging and fulfilling our own bodily desires,
Reclaiming Power and Value
Experiences of sexual abuse or coercion are common for women, providing an Women's Sexuality 45 early education into the ways sex may represent degradation and power (Leroy, 1993).
Clinical and research experience with adolescent girls suggests that early sexual experiences may seem like externally imposed events (Pipher, 1994; Thompson, 1990;
Tolman, 1991). Girls often describe sex as having 'happened to' them. Confusion and conflict characterize their accounts; early lovers are cherished even though the experiences were, at best, disappointing and devoid of sexual pleasure and, at worst, coercive and painful. As the preceding discussion on discourse and embodiment outlines, women can have sex without feeling powerful or valued--and certainly without feeling pleasure. We may not even know what we are missing.
In a patriarchal and heterosexist culture, success in the process of becoming a heterosexual woman requires the restriction of libido and sexual agency (Harding, 1994).
Women may gain a sense of power in sexuality from proving that we are stronger than our desires, an ability to will ourselves to ignore the body's need for nurturance and satisfaction (Liss-Levinson, 1988; Thompson, 1990). Thus, a space is created for victimization, fear, and anger to co-exist with attraction and desire.
The discourse of victimization which Michelle Fine (1988) presents is valuable inasmuch as it represents reality for women. Men represent sources of both harm and protection. For women, making choices about with whom we negotiate sexual pleasure is complicated and potentially dangerous (Fine, 1988; Wolf, 1997). As a heterosexual woman who wants to believe in egalitarian, intimate, mutual relationships, it is a struggle for me to consider that men might play such an important role in the development of my sexual identity. My conflict is about a deep personal sense that I am entitled to Women's Sexuality 46 subjectivity and self-definition at the same time as a misogynist context creates another reality for my self to incorporate.
My conflict also illustrates that women lose power at the hands of patriarchal institutions, not just individuals (Valentich, 1990). For instance, women who participated in Judith Daniluk's (1993) study of female sexuality identified structures such as religion and the medical model as undermining their personal dignity, sense of agency, and power within sexual relationships. Particularly, they noted the way that the language and objectification of medical processes and procedures serves to mystify women's bodies while standardizing sexual behaviours. Witness the success of people like Sue Johansson, who gives complete information and frank advice about sex over the telephone on a
television program called "Sex with Sue." How is it that we need to phone in to ask such personal questions broadcast on national television, that we are not more comfortable
discussing sexuality with our physicians just as we would discuss our cholesterol levels
or back pain? Objective norms exist which dictate appropriate public and personal
sexuality discourse (Tiefer, 1988). Once questioned, the absurdity of these norms
becomes evident.
Creating a sense of agency, then, goes beyond sexual desire. Being sexual
requires a feeling of power and control in our work life, social community, relationships.
A sense of competence, self-value, and appreciation for that which is culturally defined
as 'feminine' are important components of personal identity (Bartky, 1997). Sometimes
appearing sexy, having the body that culture idealizes, is a means to power. But mostly
our appearance is a means to feeling inadequate and objectified. Based on the relational Women's Sexuality 47 models, one means to address the deficits in women's sense of a sexual self is to create a space for women to have a voice and to foster relationships which reflect and affirm that voice. Reclaiming power and self-respect demands women learn to love women.
However, the price of intimacy with women is high (Wolf, 1997). Women are appreciated for how we serve the needs of men, children and dominant societal groups; it is still confusing to some people that women might love women--intensely, romantically or platonically--for who we are as valuable and diverse people (Faderman, 1998;
Harding, 1994).
Developing a Sense of Sexual Self
Simone de Beauvoir said, "one is not born a woman, one becomes one." Women who become ambivalent about our bodies, confused about our identities as sexually desirous people, and conflicted about what it means to be a woman are well-socialized.
Margaret Leroy (1 993) and Naomi Wolf (1 997) speak of the sexual curiousity and comfort of children and the later exploration and intimacy with same sex friends. Seeds may be planted during this time for the later task of "becoming mysterious to ourselves"
(M'olf, 1997, p. 26). The child's erotic consciousness is forgotten and is replaccd by an intentional 'not-knowing' as part of the culturally imposed silence around women's sexuality. Such silence is even more profound for girls than for women (Tolman, 1991).
For instance, some girls in Sharon Thompson's (1990) research denied volition for their sexual experiences. These girls knew that, if ihey could not deny having had the experience, they should at least deny planning for it, wanting it, or enjoying it. Silent knowers are constructed, not born. And while silence may be considered a fom~of Women's Sexuality 48 resistance (Gilligan, 199 1; Tolman, 199 I), to protest the stifling of women's voices with further voicelessness presents us with additional ambiguity in the reproduction of what is feniale and what is self (Bordo, 1997).
Girls are defined as women based on biology or chronology, rather than a psychological readiness to identify as a woman and live with all that this term means.
The infoilnation available from authoritative sources, such as parents, school, peers, magazines or television, exposes girls to conflicting messages that they are not always able to decipher (Debold, et al., 1996; Pipher, 1994). Even worse, our context is also often full of violent degradations. The received knower is highly vulnerable when it comes to sexuality. Further, girls are likely to get the message that what boys do with them is more important to their sexual self-definition than what they themselves know and experience (Wolf, 1997), thus contradicting subjective knowledge.
Academics and clinicians--not to mention parents, teachers, community workers-- need to know more about what Sharon Thompson (1990) labeled the "pleasure narrators" in her interviews with adolescent girls. While some girls were resisting messages from their bodies and reinforcing the disconnection from self, other girls had a sense of social and sexual entitlement which helped them to make choices around desire and pleasure in sexuality (Fine, 1988; Thompson, 1990). These girls remember childhood sex play and sexually arousing dreams. They tell stories that disguise knowledge of their bodies and experience with looking, masturbating and petting. They also had mothers who were open and honest, not just about biological facts of life, but about their own lives as active, adult women (Thompson, 1990). Women's Sexuality 49
The influence of the mother's communication indicates the importance of relationships which reflect self-worth, rather than modeling sexual shame and discomfort
(Resneck-Sannes, 1991). The developmental process thus includes a discourse on sexuality as part of situating women in an empowering broader context, where we can develop "a sense of self which is sexual as well as intellectual, social, and economic"
(Fine, 1988, p. 43). Within this ideal, girls and women are able to voice what we subjectively know: that good choices are made using both feeling and thinking, that we call make decisions about our bodies and our lives, and that women are worthy of pleasure and respect.
The developmental process for women to create a sense of sexual self is similar to that of the lesbian and racial identity models. There is a need to move away from a certain way of understanding the world in order to address sexist and heterosexist assun~ptionsof our society. A more woman-valuing perspective may mean immersion in a culture of women-affirming women. Integration of this perspective with a dominant culture requires our connection to empathic and reciprocal relationships and the development of vigilant analysis of the ways in which our culture is harmful to women's sexuality. We require strong, respectful voices which will continue speaking when women's individual voices may falter.
Women's Sexualitv and Aging
When looking for information on sexuality and older women, I noticed three
things. First, there is generally very little information in the psychology literature.
Second, much of the information on older women is in journals related to geriatrics and Women's Sexuality 50 gerontology. That a 45-year old woman's experience of menopause or sexuality might only find its home in gerontology journals seems a disappointing indication of how little significance is given to the perspectives of women at mid-life and beyond. Third, the infomlation on sexuality for older women focuses largely on a deficiency perspective, that is, on menopause as a disease rife with distressing symptoms, on depression inspired by children leaving home, on increases in the rates of heart disease and breast cancer, on the supposed asexualizing impact of everything sagging, drooping and drying up. Again, my curiousity about the lived experience of being sexual was frustrated.
I am not alone in my observations. Other researchers and feminist writers have noted the dearth of information available about the experiences of older women in comparison to the literature on sexuality, body image and reproductive health for adolescent and young adult women (Chrisler & Ghiz, 1993; Daniluk, 1998; Fooken,
1994). Much of the research on mid-life emphasizes menopause (Leigh, 1987). The menopausal research literature has been criticized for hosting methodological inconsistencies and supporting the disease model of menopause and aging (Carolan,
1994; Daniluk, 1998). h4any women do experience physical andlor emotional difficulties during menopause. However, it is impossible to distinguish how much the experience of menopause is based on hormonal or life changes and how much is related to the largely negative social and cultural expectations and messages connected to going through 'the change of life.' Women are most valuable for their reproductive capabilities and mothering roles. This view teaches women that aging and menopause are signs of their progressive biological and psychological decline (Carolan, 1994; Gilbert, 1993). Women's Sexuality 5 1
A number of factors seem to affect women's experience of menopause, including socioeconomic and employment status, relationship status, alcohol consumption, previous pregnancy, and cultural background (Daniluk, 1998). Women who were considered beautiful and sexually attractive in their younger years now find that they no longer meet the aesthetic requirements in a culture which equates sexy with young.
Growing older brings an astonishing sense of invisibility (Pearlman, 1993). In cultures where older women's contributions are prized and respected, such as in some African and
Eastern traditions, women report less anxiety and fewer troubling symptoms associated with menopause (Golub, 1992). The key message seems to be acknowledging that women's experiences of menopause vary widely; to define menopause as either a disease or a non-event is to exclude or invalidate the experience of some women (Carolan, 1994).
What information is available on women's sexuality and aging focuses on the changes which impede sexual intercourse--a decline in desire for intercourse, vaginal dryness making intercourse painful, problems with having an orgasm, loss of sexual partners, chronic illness or disfiguring surgeries (Chrisler & Ghiz, 1993; Daniluk, 1998).
Issues of health and body image that come with aging certainly do have implications for sexuality (Fooken, 1994). Menopause is a biologically embodied phenomenon; there are physical and hormonal components of aging which may limit physical ability, sexual performance, and self-esteem. Beyond the biological component are a host of socio- cultural factors in aging which seem to relate to sexuality and sexual identity. The lack of models of older women in movies, television programs and magazines leaves women without a concept of what a sexy, attractive, successful older woman might look like Women's Sexuality 52
(Pearlman, 1993). One woman writes of her own experience as an aging lesbian, calling
it "triple shame" as she confronts society's disdain for women, lesbians, and older persons (Schoonmaker, 1993). Feelings of disconnection from an aging body, invisibility
in the broader culture, and declining worth as a desirable, valuable person (Pearlman,
1993; Schoonmaker, 1993), do not contribute to older women feeling sexual regardless of how their body copes with hormonal changes.
The assumption that menopause signals the fading of female sexuality persists despite the evidence and testimonials which contradict it (Leroy, 1993; Mantecon, 1993).
Many women are setting new intellectual and social goals in their older years, are celebrating aging with their peers, in support groups and social groups. A group of
British women have shared their wisdom about aging by writing the Growing Old
Disgracefully series (Hen Co-op, 1993). Closer to home, a group called the Raging
Grannies are singing at political rallies and social events as a way of voicing the opinions of older women. One of their most requested songs is called "Geriatric Sex" and its lyrics are reproduced in Appendix A.
Some women are reclaiming the archetypes of the Triple Goddess worshipped by pre-patriarchal cultures, that of virgin, mother, and crone. Women at mid-life are framed
as transitioning to a new phase in the collectivity of women (Mantecon, 1993). Jeanne
Shaw (1 994) talked with individuals and couples over 50 about their sexual experiences, with many of them telling her that the sex continues to improve. People spoke of masturbation or of their sex play as couples, noting how maturity, experience, and
familiarity with their bodies and their partners had given them continued and even Women's Sexuality 53 increased sexual pleasure with aging.
Recent literature from a woman-centred perspective shows the way in which women may feel freed by aging and menopause. Older women, no longer revered by culture as sexual objects, receive less pressure to be concerned with physical appearance and sexual expression. The loss of status that comes with aging may be difficult for women who have learned to gain power and visibility through their looks and sexuality
(Leroy, 1993). However, for others it means that they are able to involve themselves in new pursuits, to take care of themselves without concern for the perception of others, to redefine what sexuality means for them and to choose how--and if--to express that sexuality.
A Note about Reviewing. the Literature and Moving On
The preceding review of the literature covers a variety of areas pertinent to women's sexuality. Of course, it represents partial and partisan knowledge of the topic.
Additional literature will be integrated as I continue with the dissertation; the women I interview will tell me what is important and I will seek out written works to further our conversations and support otlr interpretations. At this point, it is hard to see how the scientific and philosophical literature could be meaningfully merged with the honoured and personal voices of my participants. Therefore, I am most comfortable in the guidance of women-centred sexuality researchers, particularly Judith Daniluk (199 1/1993/1998), and Margaret Leroy (1993), who also provided voices for women to articulate their experiences and meanings for sexuality.
In addition to contributing to the depth of our understanding of women's Women's Sexuality 54 sexuality, I seek to provide a sense of how women make meaning of sexuality as they age and to understand any connection between sexuality and identity development. I by no means expect that the perspectives of the women I interview will provide a definitive or complete account of women's sexuality. However, I hope that the complexity and meaning they bring to the topic will add to a woman-centred discourse and an analysis of further implications for action. Beyond contributions to academic literature, this research has implications for personal counselling and sexuality education, and for our understanding of the lives of girls and women in areas such as self-esteem, identity development, relationships, body image, and physical and psychological wellness. Women's Sexuality 55
CHAPTER THREE
En Route to the Goal of Understanding
The original Greek meaning of the word 'method' is "a route that leads to the goal" (Kvale, 1996, p. 4). The metaphor of qualitative researcher as traveller (Kvale,
1996) fit for me as I worked my way through the process of this inquiry. Along the path,
I experienced uncertainty as to where I was going, fear that I would never get there, comfort and delight in the connection to my travelling companions, concern that I was not up to the task of adequately honouring them, and elated discovery in the rich knowledge that we generated together. Both the content and the process of interpretive inquiry reveal the depth and richness of lived experience. In this chapter, I have attempted to strike a balance between reporting on the content of this inquiry and reporting on the process of change that I went through because of it, or, as Shulamit
Reinharz suggests, to "combine a full discussion of what the researcher becanze in the field with how theJield revealed itselfto the researcher," (1997, p. 4).
The goal of 111y research has stayed consistent throughout the process: to gain insight into women's sex~lality,to give voice to older women's wisdom about the experience of being sexual, to understand what sexuality means to women and how it connects with identity development. Underlying this goal is the belief that women's voices and sense of self-worth rely, at least in part, on connection to others who value us, believe in us, and listen to us. As outlined in the first part of this dissertation, many messages of the dominant culture(s) teach women that we are inadequate, especially if we Women's Sexuality 56 are not young, thin, beautiful and accommodating. Feminist research seeks to rectify that loss through restoring voice. These goals guide my methodological decisions at every stage of this research journey.
Choosin&a Path
In choosing a research method, it was important to me that two goals be served.
First, the method needed to be appropriate to the academic purpose of exploring women's sexuality and, second, it needed to be consistent with feminist principles of valuing women's experience and accounting for context (Reinharz, 1992). The first goal is best served by a method which contributes depth to our understanding of women's sexuality, which the academic research to date has often neglected in favour of breadth. By depth, I refer to our ability to develop a meaningful understanding of how women live the experience of being sexual not only from physical or biological perspectives but also in psychological, emotional, andlor spiritual realms. We have no reason to believe that women's experiences are just like men's when it comes to sexuality; the research tradition of studying men and generalizing to women has done a disservice to our understanding of many women's issues (Ogden, 1994; Reinharz, 1992). Further, we have no reason to believe that women's experiences are all essentially alike; the heterogeneity of experience among women is more clear as the category of "woman" continues to be deconstructed (Gilfoyle, et al., 1992; Wasserfall, 1997). It is vital that my method be sensitive to the need for a woman-centred discourse on sexuality. Women's Sexuality 57
The second goal rests on the feminist framework which believes that, by creating a forum where wonlen's voices can be heard, the social order which subverts women's experiences and interpretations of the world is interrupted. By seeking depth in our understanding of women's lived experiences, we seek to understand the contextual influences which construct women's sense of self as sexual. As Foucault (1978) recognized, "sexuality is constructed through the relationship between those who do the speaking and the institutions that construct the discourses" (Nicholson, 1994, p. 192).
The personal dialogue creates a political discourse which potentially deconstructs the patriarchal voices which may be internalized by women (Bordo, 1997). Depth interviews offer women the chance to express their ideas, thoughts, and memories in their own words, providing an opportunity for won~en'svoices to take their place in response to the limiting voice of patriarchy (Reinharz, 1992).
Some feminist literature on women's development supports a preference for learning in relation to other people (Belenky, et al., 1986; Surrey, 1991). Therefore, personal interviews seem an appropriate means of advancing our understanding of women's experience (Minister, 1991; Reinharz, 1985). The traditional concept of an
'interview' is of an expert asking questions to elicit particular types of information. More fitting to my approach is Steiner Kvale's reframe of an 'inter-view' which is "an inter change of views between two persons conversing about a theme of mutual interest"
(1996, p. 2). My role, then, is to foster connection in my meetings with women so that they feel comfortable telling me what they think is important about women's sexuality. Women's Sexuality 58
While I may also share with them, the intent of my approach is listening carefully and openly to their ideas and reflecting the value of them sharing their stories with me.
Herrneneutic Phenomenolonv
Phenomenology is a broad philosophical and methodological area with roots in the writings of Edmund Husserl. Husserlian phenomenology rests on the process of reflecting as a way of moving beyond the particularity and fallibility of individual knowing (Klein & Westcott, 1994). The researcher avoids assuming even the existence of the object or act, "bracketing" or suspending her or his beliefs in order to gain new insight into the phenomenon. Husserl acknowledges the pre-theoretical constructs of imagination and intuition as epistemologically valid components of the inquiry process
(Klein & Westcott, 1994). The goal is to reduce the experience to its essence. Many others have built upon Husserl's foundation of phenomenology, notably Martin
Heidegger, who moved the emphasis of inquiry from rationality to the nature of our
Being-in-the-world with the integration of existentialist principles (Klein & Westcott,
1994; Osborne, 1994).
Current phenomenological principles have moved away from the essentialism of
Husserl and acknowledged a degree of cultural relativity (Klein & Westcott, 1994).
Theoretically speaking, phenomenology is the study of essences, of the human lifeworld
(van Manen, 1990). It inspires a reintegration of part and whole, bringing us awareness of the consequential in the inconsequential to give us a more thoughtful understanding of the taken-for-granted aspects of our experience. While we may not emerge from Women's Sexuality 59 phenomenological inquiry with an effective theory to explain and control the world, we gain plausible insights which "bring us in more direct contact with the world" (van
Manen, 1984, p. 38).
In practice, phenomenology requires us to give ourselves over the task of understanding, to live our inquiry so that we can examine it from its heart of existence. In turn, this becoming our question requires that we have a depth of interest in the topic.
Interest is "inter esse" or "to stand in the midst of something, to be with its essence" (van
Manen, 1984). Thus, the choice of phenomenology for understanding women's experience of being sexual is fitting; sexuality is both something that I study and something that I live and it is a topic which holds a long-standing and deep interest for me. I originally proposed to use depth interviews in this inquiry, which appropriately served to immerse me in the topic and to access the lived experience of the women I met with. As well, the process of phenomenological interviewing has parallels to the counselling process (Osborne, 1990) and is well-suited to my values and skills as a counselling psychologist.
I view existentialism and hermeneutics as complementary to the phenomenological process, providing a framework for interpreting experience, separating the essential from the peripheral, and thereby clarifying the meaning of the phenomenon
(Klein & Westcott, 1994; Osborne, 1994; van Manen, 1990). The blend provides us with the best of both worlds: the valuing of our human stories through reflection and intuition, along with the license to link lived experience with contextual, linguistic, socio-historical Women's Sexuality 60 understanding. The researcher and participant engage in a co-construction of meaning.
The participant's and researcher's constructions merge intersubjectively and both are in turn influenced by the social constructiolls of the world around them (Chessick, 1990;
Osborne, 1994). The result is an interactive and creative process consistent with feminist research principles, with the goals of this inquiry, and with the diverse and elusive experience of being sexual.
Feminist Research Principles
Feminist epistemologies, along with other critical or ideologically oriented theories, developed in response to positivist and postpositivist claims of value freedom in scientific inquiry (Guba & Lincoln, 1994). Traditional approaches neglect to acknowledge the importance of contextual factors in the construction of knowledge and, in particular, the significance of women as agents of knowledge (Harding, 1987b; Lather,
1988). Thus, feminist research is defined by a willingness to put the social construction of gender at the centre of inquiry (Flax, 1990; Lather, 1988), an analysis of power in political and institutional structures (Neysmith, 1995), and an acknowledgement that research constitutes a potentially emancipato~yact (Gluck & Patai, 1991; Fine, 1992a;
1994). A search for meaning relevant to women's experience--an inquiry for women--is an attempt to correct the invisibility and distortion of women's experience created by years of masculinist bias (Anderson, Armitage, Jack & Wittner, 1990; Webb, 1993). Women's Sexuality 61
Beyond these widely agreed upon criteria, some feminist writers have tried to specifically define what constitutes feminist research. For example, Bernhard (1984, in
Webb, 1993) provided eight criteria defining feminist research, which were:
1. the researcher is a woman;
2. feminist methodology is used, which means interaction-based research with
attention to non-hierarchichal relationships and concern for values;
3. the research has the potential to help the participants;
4. the focus is on the experiences of women;
5. it is a study of women;
6. the words feminism or feminist are actually used;
7. feminist literature is cited; and
8. the reseach is reported using non-sexist language.
The results of a search for publications which met all of these criteria was disappointing.
Although I believe that my research project does meet all eight of Bernhard's 'rules,' I am also in favour of maintaining some flexibility in our definition of feminist research.
The subjectivity of ideas such as using feminist research methods and providing a
research process which has the potential to be helpful to participants are quite subjective.
As Sandra Harding (1987b) points out, we should be careful not to exclude research which has contributed to feminist struggles simply because aspects of it are now
considered problematic in some way. Women's Sexuality 62
Once the positivistic rules of objectivity, control, universality and researcher neutrality are cast off, research is a far more ambiguous process. As Shulamit Reinharz
(1992) points out, there is a certain amount of creativity with which feminist researchers have responded to the call for more women-centred searches for meaning. Feminist academics speak of this creativity with some pride (for e.g., Lather, 1988; Peplau &
Conrad, 1989). This is not to say that any and all research methods can be feminist; any research which decontextualizes, objectifies or manipulates participants is antithetical to a feminist stance. However, the power of feminist interpretive methods is undercut by being too rigorous in defining what is, how to do, and who can perform, feminist research.
Conversation and meaning making are guiding principles for my research, which is consistent with the principles of feminist interpretive inquiry (Reinharz, 1992; Wore11
& Remer, 1991), and is compatible with herrneneutic-phenomenological approaches and depth interviewing strategies (Fontana & Frey, 1994; van Manen, 1990). I believe that women need a forum to speak and be heard--that the process of narrating our lives can influence our ability to live more purposefully and healthfully, and that there is political and personal power in making won~en'sexperiences accessible to others. Ideally, this is what feminist interpretive research is for me.
Feminist postmodernism. Sandra Harding (1 987c; 1993) classifies three epistemological frameworks for feminist research: feminist empiricism, feminist standpoint theory, and feminist postmodemism. None seem to be a perfect fit for me. Women's Sexuality 63
While there are some aspects of feminist postmodernism which are appealing, I align myself with it only with hesitation and qualification. I discuss its strengths and dangers here.
Postmodernism is a broad heading of theory and philosophy, critical of both
feminist empiricism and feminist standpoint theory for their objectivist claims (Harding,
1993). Feminist postmodernism regards "truth" as a destructive illusion, thereby rejecting the idea that feminists--or anyone else--has a more valid perspective of the world than anyone else. According to this view, knowing is obscured by language, symbols, and ever shifting interpretations, producing partial stories or texts (Oleson, 1994). Discourse, power, and social practices, including the maintenance of patriarchal and oppressive structures, are a reflection of society's influence. Feminist postmodernism posits that these influences are experienced by women in different ways, thus supporting a heterogeneous, multi-vocal experience of "womanhood." Following the critique of feminist attempts to homogenize women, to place them as "sisters" through an overemphasis on gender, feminist postmodernism creates space for diversity in considering factors which affect how people construct the world around them (Bohan,
1993).
Linda Nicholson (1990) asserts that the 'postmodern turn' has become a pressing
issue for feminist scholars. Postmodernism's emphasis on situatedness of knowledge provides a useful caution for the essentialist tendency of feminist methodologies which
generalize beyond boundaries of culture and region. Additionally, both postmodernist Women's Sexuality 64 and feminist positions address the political nature of research and critique the norm of objectivity which has been reified therein (Nicholson, 1990). I appreciate the diversity, subjectivity, and situatedness of knowledge from a postmodernist epistemology. I appreciate that the postmodernist discourse in interpretive research contributes creative debate around the relationship between the knower and the known (subjectivity), the researcher and the participant (intersubjectivity), and the experience and the text.
However, the pure postmodernist rejection of the objectivist "view from nowhere" is often a short slide down a slippery slope into total relativism, or a "view from everywhere." It is a chaotic and lonely world when everyone constructs their own view of reality. The relativist position endangers our authority to judge the worth of scholarship, to critique the sexist content and context in which research is done, to comment on social 'problems' (Reinharz, 1985). It is distinctly antithetical to feminism and critical theory to believe that each view of reality is equally valid (Flax, 1990;
Wasserfall, 1997). Thus, my position as a feminist and my perspective on fenlinist inquiry limit my support of postmodernism; I must believe that I have some more valid position on truth in order to co-interpret the world with other women, to speak authoritatively in my own voice, and to act vigorously against oppression.
Feminist Interviewing
Interviewing has become a primary meails for feminist researchers to gather information about the lives of other women and, in some cases, men (Anderson & Jack,
1991 ; Reinharz, 1992). Shulamit Reinharz (1992) characterizes interviewing as offering Women's Sexuality 65
"access to people's ideas, thoughts, and memories in their own words rather than in the
words of the researcher," which serves as something of "an antidote to centuries of
ignoring women's ideas altogether or having men speak for women" (p. 19).
Andrea Fontana and James Frey (1994) describe three different types of
interviewing: structured interviewing, group interviewing, and unstructured or in-depth
interviewing. Any type of interview may be done fiom a masculinist tradition by
supporting the assumptions of impersonality, neutrality, and a clear researcher- respondent hierarchy. As with much feminist research methodology, the practicets) of
interviewing is not uniquely feminist. Feminist research methodology often builds on
conventional research methods but with an ideology which attends to gender, values, and
positionality, and which protests the androcentric bias of traditional science (Reinharz,
1992; Ribbens, 1989).
A feminist phenomenological interviewing strategy, such as that used for this
dissertation research, is concerned with embodying women, giving voice to their
experience, and communicating information which will increase the understanding of
othcrs who rcad about that expericncc. Following fiom a very open-ended introductory
prompt, the interviews are guided by the interviewee in her own voice while in
connection with me as the interviewer (Gluck & Patai, 1991). My task is to stay as close
to her lived experience as possible (Reinharz, 1985; 1992). Our spontaneous, interchange
is creative, pedagogic, and generative, granting us new understanding, new meaning, new
connection with the phenomenon of women's sexuality. Meaning is expressed not only Women's Sexuality 66 through words, but through vocal quality and body language (Anderson & Jack, 1991). I must "listen" very carefully while, at the same time, honouring the way in which my own voice and values shape the interaction with the participants. The focus of the interview is on understanding the phenomenon, rather than simply getting one's questions answered
(Reinharz, 1992).
If, as feminist theory argues, consciousness is a social construction, then sharing the consciousness we have of our experience has the potential to be pedagogic and emancipatory (Geiger, 1986; Neysmith, 1995). Further, the potential for consciousness- raising arises from the political stance of feminist scholarship (Gottlieb, 1987). Thus, my position as a feminist was significant to the research methodology and the entire research process. I expressed my views, motivations, and interpretations so that the women I met with would know where I came from. Reflecting my views also helped to stimulate hrther discussion and to clarify interpretations that might not be "accurate" from the participant's viewpoint. Not all women identify or behave as feminists and that not all feminists share my views. I aimed to make a lucid feminist critique, and to be as forceful as I could be with the acknowledgement that my particular feminist critique may not be entirely or universally the "correct" one.
Auulyinn the Principles of my Method
The goals of research from a feminist phenomenological perspective require me to develop collaborative and connected relationships, to be self-reflexive, and to value women's experience. These aims contribute to my intention to stay true to the Women's Sexuality 67 phenomenon and to embody and honour the women whose voices appear here. I wish to address the application of these three concepts in turn.
Collaboration and Power
A collaborative, egalitarian relationship requires reciprocity, authenticity, and the opportunity for participants to have feedback at various stages of the inquiry process
(Stacey, 1991). Making the research process as collaborative as possible aids in equalizing power differentials, thus easing the rapport and flow of information. (Cotterill,
1992; Ribbens, 1989; Rubin & Rubin, 1995; P. Usher, 1996). In encouraging this collaborative relationship, people have suggested everything from allowing participants to choose their own pseudonym and to involving them in all steps of the process right up to interpretation and dissemination of the research results (Acker, Barry, & Esseveld,
1983). I attempted to involve participants at several levels, thus creating an interplay between myself as researcher, the women I spoke with, and the information we co- produced. However, I encountered two barriers to the perfectly collaborative research relationship.
First, not everyone who participates in a research interview is going to want to be intensely involved in the process. Ideally, I hoped that all the women I spoke with would review the transcripts with interest, meet with me again to tell me more, and offer their input on the interpretations I was making. This happened spontaneously with three of the women. Others found the information interesting and let me know that they thought the interview summary was fine but they did not have anything else they wished to discuss. Women's Sexuality 68
Two women moved away and another woman had become very busy with work and children so their follow-up "meetings" were done largely by phone and e-mail. Clearly, not everyone was as consumed with my dissertation as I was! However, I believe I engaged the women appropriately to the extent that they were willing and able to be involved. While I encouraged women to follow-up and to comment on the process, I certainly did not make it an expectation of their role. Forcing egalitarian relationships on the women who chose to be interviewed would not be very egalitarian.
Second, the power issues inherent in the research process inhibit a truly egalitarian relationship (Cotterill, 1992; Jones, 1997). I have power as a white, educated, researcher with the ultimate role of interpreter and decision-maker in the research process
(Cotterill, 1992; Wasserfall, 1997). And I have power in that women shared their life stories with me, offered me the wisdom of their experiences and their reflections on experience. It is a great responsibility to be the bearer and the teller of other women's stories. I felt privileged and awed by the level of trust that they showed me. Part of my collaboratively involving them in the process was wanting to shift some of that responsibility back to them, to make sure I was doing them justice with my work. I felt somewhat uncomfortable with the level of authority granted to me by the women who declined follow-up meetings, who did not want further involvement in the telling of their stories.
The women I met with also held some power over me. They had information that
I wanted, indeed, that I needed in order to complete my dissertation. I found myself Wonlen's Sexuality 69 trying to be extra likeable so that they would want to talk to me. Also, as Shulamit
Reinharz (1 992) notes, power relations are influenced by a number of factors outside the control of the research itself, such as racc, class, sexual oricntation, mothering status. I suspect that age was the most consistent component of our power difference; I was a thirty year old woman talking to women my mother's age about sex. I sometimes felt that it was inappropriately brazen of me or that they would consider me to be "young and stupid." A couple of the women directly expressed surprise at my age. Others mentioned how little they knew about themselves when they were in their thirties and then looked at me almost apologetically. At times I felt that we developed a collaborative and egalitarian relationship where the age difference was not an issue. Other times I felt like I was seated at the feet of wise women. In this case, I relished that "power-down" position.
Connection. It is a central tenet of feminist theories and feminist research epistenlologies that our relationships with others are important to development and learning. Feminist researchers advocate a women-centred approach to inquiry and an attitude of respect and valuation, thus requiring that there be some connection established bctwecn thc researcher and thc rcscarchcd (Cottcrill, 1992; Finch, 1954; Oakley,
198 111986). The feminist interviewer is in a more complex and challenging position than researchers working in an objectivist paradigm, whose professional neutrality and
"expert" role allow them to stay at the distant end of the connection continuum.
"How close to get" is an issue much discussed in the feminist interviewing literature. Ann Oakley (198111986) endorses rapport but cautions against over identifying Women's Sexuality 70 with the women we interview. Janet Finch (1984) describes how her interviews took on a conversational tone, a two-way flow, and how she was hurt when one of her participants was not as interested in continuing a friendship as she was. Jane Ribbens (1989) asserts that being empathetic is in conflict with the inevitable power differential of the researcher-participant relationship. Pam Cotterill (1992) discusses the complex dynamics of interviewing friends and the problems of becoming friends with interviewees.
I have skills to establish rapport as a human being, a counsellor, a woman, and an interviewer passionate about her topic. At some point, though, I still have to return to my role as a researcher with the responsibility to disseminate infornlation and the power to make interpretations for others to a greater or lesser extent (Oakley, 198111986). Thus, the connection I felt with the women who spoke with me was mediated by a sense of my role in being there. I was constantly negotiating the fluid and permeable social location of insider versus outsider in the process (Naples, 1997). Having a rapport with women was essential and I felt it existed to a greater or lesser extent in all of the meetings. In cases where the closeness was almost "friend-like" there was an easy intimacy and the reciprocity of conversation czme more naturally. In these instances, however, there was
also a sense of straying more from the topic. I left feeling like I had provided support and
companionship but not certain I had met the research-related goals of our meeting. How
close to be with the women I met with depended on the situation, the intersubjective
dynamic, and the boundaries we negotiated early on in our connection. Women's Sexuality 71
I tried to create an atmosphere of collaboration and closeness during our meetings in a number of ways: being relaxed, sharing my ideas and impressions with them, and using the skills of reflection, probing and silence much as I would in my counselling practice. Such interactional skills gave shape to the relationship, the process, and the content of our meetings (Anderson & Jack, 199 1; Osborne, 1994). Rapport was established early on. Sometimes this sense of ease and connection, this comfortable flow of conversation, started even over the phone prior to us meeting. In a couple of instances, there remained an awkwardness which would arise periodically throughout the meeting.
Empathy was an essential component for fostering a sense of safety and trust. I reflected back to them what I was hearing and how I was responding to it; I did not try to maintain any objectivist airs during our meetings. I gave them a copy of my introductory chapter where I tell of my own context for exploring women's sexuality, giving them an opportunity to comment on my story as I did theirs. I wanted the women to see me as real, sonleone they could relate to, but I also wanted them to have confidence in me and in my ability to do justice to the stories they shared with me.
Reflexivity
"Research is ...a process of 'finding out' about the world. Reflexivity, on the other hand, is 'finding out' about how meanings, including the meanings given to and generated by research, are discursively constructed within the practice of research" (R.
Usher, 1996, p. 39). Reflexivity is defined by awareness at two levels (Wasserfall, 1997).
First, the researcher is expected to have an ongoing self-awareness about their impact on Women's Sexuality 72 the research and the research relationships. Second, reflexivity requires deconstructing the political assumptions which influence the research, the researcher's authority, and the power differences inherent to the research process (Wasserfall, 1997). I attempted to address both levels of reflexivity in my approach to this inquiry.
I acknowledged my positionality and influence in the practice of research by examining what it means to me to be a feminist researcher and addressing issues of power in the researcher-participant relationship. I attempted to create a space for insight and revelation of change, while acknowledging that I have assumptions and expectations which may at times conflict with the experience and interpretations of women I am interviewing. The activity and beliefs of the knower influence what is known since nothing can be known apart from these activities and beliefs (Reinharz, 1997; R. Usher,
1996).
Unlike researchers using more patriarchal approaches to research, I have a responsibility to be self-reflexive and to take seriously the demands of intersubjectivity on my interviewer role. My perspective in the research process arises from my embodied or embedded self--who I am as a counsellor, researcher, woman, feminist--along with the beliefs I hold about the nature of humans as relational and the nature of knowing as being socially constructed. As a researcher, my values and motivations impact the research process and outcome. As a woman, I am part of the culture in which the phenomenon of sexuality exists (Naples, 1997; Scott, 1984). Therefore, I play roles as both researcher and participant and the product becomes my story as well (Finch, 1984; Oakley, Women's Sexuality 73
198111986). The research is as limited and as expansive as my own vision, skills, and perceptiveness.
Acknowledging that our interactions are value-laden underscores the importance of being self-analytical and discussing how my experiences, knowledge, and beliefs may impact upon the research (Jones, 1997). In counselling, this is the concept of self- awareness; it is the idea that we should be as self-reflective as we expect others to be. I built my self-awareness in a number of ways. I spoke with others about what I was thinking, asking that they engage in discussion with me and challenge my ideas. I interviewed myself by responding in journal form to the kinds of issues I wanted women to speak to me about. I used my field notes as a way of examining how the process was affecting me and clarifying what I learned from each conversation. And I write this dissertation using personal pronouns and sharing my personal experiences and thoughts on the topic. The process of reflexivity expects self-analysis, openness to interpretation, and thus expects some degree of vulnerability.
Valuing Won~en'sExperiences
A key application of a feminist model is the valuing of women's experiences
(Wore11 & Remer, 1992). Thus, my focus, my approach, my language throughout the process are chosen to emphasize women's strengths. I was aware of the potentially greater danger of exploitation in interpretive research than in positivistic models. The research process involves greater level of depth and intimacy and the analysis requires that I make academically and ethically sound choices about the meaning of the Women's Sexuality 74 conversations I had with women (Jones, 1997; Stacey, 199 1). I carried into the researcher role a strong sense of wanting to honour the women and my relationship with them, to respect and even protect the information they shared with me.
My entire research project is about valuing women's experiences. But to be more specific, I studied the literature on the psychology of women, immersed myself in women-centred writings about sexuality, and examined feminist perspectives on the socio-historical oppression of women. This provides a foundation for my general understanding of women's experiences. At an individual level, however, there is no replacement for my ability to be fully present to the women I met with. One of the ways that we can most value people's experience is to encourage them to tell their stories and to listen well.
An objective of feminist phenomenological interviewing is to negotiate meaning with participants, entering into a dialogue in which neither of our voices is specially privileged (Denzin & Lincoln, 1994b; Jones, 1997; Wittig, 1997). To me, this means that both of us have a responsibility for interpretation in order that we can work together to understand the phenomenon. I have a responsibility to the participant to hear her, respect her, and represent her fairly. But I also have a responsibility to myself as a researcher, a feminist, and a woman. It is important that both of our voices be honoured. Therefore, we sought to understand each other so that both perspectives may be accommodated without either of us losing our voice. As Sandra Jones (1997) notes from experience, "negotiation doesn't necessarily mean that the researcher abandons her position" (p. 35 1). I struggled Women's Sexuality 75 with finding a balance of recognizing my own location in the research while wanting to privilege the voices of women who are often marginalized (Naples, 1997). Valuing women's voices includes valuing my own as well.
Engaging in the Inquirv Process
My engagement with inquiry into women's sexuality began several years ago when I began my masters degree with the intention of this research being my thesis project. I soon discovered that doing interpretive research well required an entire paradigm shift from my positivistic training and that studying women's sexuality would be more broad and complicated than I anticipated. Much more reading, course work, philosophical discussions, and clinical experiences have led me to this point. The process of preparing for and completing my candidacy exams was pivotal; I developed and clarified many of the ideas which are foundational to this research.
My interest has always been on women's sexuality but certainly I have thought many times about how this research relates to men's sexuality. The two are unavoidably connected. I decided that this research project would be a very different if done with men, partly because I am not one. I wonder if men would talk to me and if they would speak as openly as women have. One of my colleagues recruited both women and men but, despite her best efforts, had only women volunteer to participate (Angen, 1999). I expect that I would feel more inhibited, even fearful, of going into this type of interview with men. Certainly I would not go to their homes. My position speaks to my comfort with women and a complementary assumption that men may be more likely to hold views Women's Sexuality 76 or engage in behaviours that might be uncomfortable-or even risky-for me as a woman researcher.
The reading that I did after completing candidacy exams lead me to focus my inquiry on women over age 45. This decision was based on academic, methodological and personal reasons. First, I saw that the gaps in the academic literature are most gaping when it comes to older women, whether the topic be sexuality or another aspect of lived experience. It seems that my age cohort is more comfortable speaking about sexuality but that may only be because they have more permission; I wanted to know what older women would say about sexuality if asked. In speaking with a colleague at a women's health agency, she confirmed that they would be extremely interested in having additional information about older women's experience of sexuality. Realizing that there was a community application for my research just confirmed my interest in older women.
Methodologically, I noted that Max van Manen (1984; 1990) considers living life deeply to be a cornerstone to phenomenology. Older women offer a breadth of lived experience and wisdom that I have come to treasure in my mother, grandmother, and many older women role modcls. They havc cxpcricnccd many changes in the socio- cultural shape of the world, not the least of which for any discussion of sexuality is the introduction of the birth control pill and the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s. These women came of age in, or even consciously participated in, a historically significant period of women's emancipation (Wolf, 1997). It seemed to me that they would have Women's Sexuality 77
something unique and wonderful to offer to our understanding of the phenomenon of
being sexual.
On a personal level, I believe that my interest in speaking to older women may be
a way of connecting more fully to my mother and grandmothers. We seek to understand
lives that we are intrigued by (van Manen, 1984) and I think it is no coincidence that I
have chosen to speak with women my mother's age. I want to understand more about where she came from, how it was different for her, what she might still need to have the permission to be whole as an older woman. My paternal grandmother places a great
emphasis on oral history, on knowing where you came from, and I have spent many
delighted hours listening to her tell me stories about her eighty-four years of life. I was
extremely close to my maternal grandmother, who died in 1990, and I have often wondered what she would say about sexuality if I could ask her now. I didn't think to ask her when I was twenty and I am not sure how comfortable she would have been with the topic.
I am surrounded by beautiful models of women's aging in my spiritual and
university communities. This was my chance to sit with women of that group and have
them tell me their experiences of being women and being sexual. As I told Nancy, the
participant who reminded me most of my maternal grandmother, "I feel like I have been
in the presence of a crone in the very most beautiful way ... It's so nice to be with older
women again. It brings back the wisdom of my grandmother." Choosing to speak with
women over 45 has been a gift of this inquiry in many ways. Women's Sexuality 78
The Questions Not Asked
My counselling training has shown me that sometimes the best information comes when we do not ask questions. If I had set a standard where my job was to ask the questions and their job was to answer, then the information I get would be only as good as my questions. Therefore, my opening prompt was a statement, rather than a question, and I worked at reflecting and encouraging rather than asking during the interview. This seemed odd to some people at first, as though they were expecting something more directive. Nancy even said to me, "Well, are you going to ask the questions?" However, the unstructured format set the tone for them to lead our conversation, for us to co- construct meaning rather than for them to deny or affirm the meaning that I pre-supposed
(Osborne, 1990).
I asked more questions later in our discussions in order to clarify information or fill in the gaps of my understanding. Although we sometimes seemed alarmingly off track from the concept of women's sexuality, I was hesitant to bring them back too abruptly to my agenda. I feared that they would feel I did not see the value in their stories. I feared that they might be right, that I would be missing the deeper meaning of where our conversations had taken us. And oftentimes I was caught up in the stories, enjoying the wisdom of their reminiscences, and it seemed not to matter that we had "strayed."
Despite this non-directive approach, I maintained a sense of purpose, wanting to gain a greater understanding related to my three foundational 'wonderingsYabout Women's Sexuality 79 women's sexuality. As noted in Chapter One, I did not ask the questions directly, but allowed them to guide my participation in the conversations I had with women.
Clarifvinrr MY Assumptions
I sought to acknowledge my assun~ptionsand values and to make them as transparent as possible in both the interview process and my presentation of the research.
Opening myself to interpretation is part of what defines me as a feminist interpretive researcher (Neysmith, 1995; Reinharz, 1992; Wore11 & Remer, 1992). I am clearly placed in the research, much more so than the notion of Husserlian bracketing would allow
(Klein & Westcott, 1994). Bracketing seems to me to involve leaning toward that positivistic notion that I can remove my biases and vaIues from the research. Such disengagement is neither possible nor desirable from my perspective.
The content, ideology, and methodology of this research were informed by my knowledge of feminist academic literature and, particularly, by feminist deconstructions of sexology. As well, my research was guided by my own experience and that of my women friends, with whom I have so often shared intense and insightful conversation on issues related to sexuality. I "interviewed" myself both through journalling and through audiotaping a conversation with my closest woman friend. I sought to arrive at my own answers, my own story. I acknowledged how powerfully my story is constructed by the socio-cultural environment of my 30 years, by critical academic reading and feminist influences. My sexuality has been co-constructed by myself in conjunction with these influences, my sexual and emotional experiences, my interactions with men and with Women's Sexuality 80 women. I am, of course, a work in progress. To a large extent, the "healthy" parts of my own sense of being sexual have developed from the open, trusting relationships that I have found and fostered.
Three assumptions operate in my last statement. First, that there can be a
"healthy" sexuality implies also an "unhealthy" sexuality. I chose not to define what this might be for others, but rather to listen carefully to the understandings of the women who shared themselves with me through this inquiry. I endeavoured to keep an open-mind and a recognition of the broad continuum of understandings and experiences which might constitute sexuality. However, this is not to suggest that any definition, value, or practice may be viewed as healthy simply because an individual woman declares it as such. I anticipated areas of disagreement, where a particular idea or behaviour could not be fit into my scope of what "healthy" might be. I acknowledged meaning-making to be procedural and interactive and felt our differences were respectfully voiced. These were aspects of our conversations which caused me to think and sometimes I could not reconcile myself with the viewpoint they presented. But I never experienced the difference as a negative judgement about someone's story or as a blatant disagreement with her ideas.
Second, I made the assumption that sexuality, and women's understanding of themselves as sexual persons, are socially and relationally constructed. The selection of method and the process of interviewing were embedded in the notion that women learn through connection to their world, and will produce and reproduce learning in connection Women's Sexuality 81 with me as the researcher. My self and my ability to connect with these women is inherently involved in the research process. Thus, my interest in studying women's sexuality goes beyond my position as a doctoral student and researcher; there is a significant and generative interplay with my identity as a psychologist, a feminist, a woman, and a sexual person.
Finally, my study was guided by the assumption that other women will have important stories of their emerging sexual selves, as do I and my women friends, and by the conviction that women's voices have the power to bring awareness and healing. Such power exists in the process of women telling their stories, and is amplified in the course of making those stories accessible to others. As Gilligan (1982) stated, "to have a voice is to be human. To have something to say is to be a person. But speaking depends on listening and being heard; it is an intensely relational act" (p. xvi). It was appropriate, then, that women have the opportunity to regain their voices on a topic as relationally and personally significant as women's sexuality.
Finding; Women to Talk about Sexuality
Ten women participated in the inquiry, one whose interview was not usable because her voice was very low and did not record clearly enough to be transcribed.
Thus, nine participants are discussed here and the tenth interview is included only as information from my field notes. A brief introduction to each of the nine women is provided in Appendix B. Word of mouth ended up being my primary means of recruiting women to participate in the research. I think that a referral saying, "this woman is not a Women's Sexuality 82 weirdo," probably encouraged women to feel safe in contacting me to talk about sexuality.
In speaking with people in women-centred health agencies, I was gratified to realize that there were organizations who thought my research was worthwhile and were already thinking of ways they could use the information. Four participants came to me through these agencies and I interviewed all of them during the summer of 1999. In fact,
I interviewed three of them in two days, which was exhilarating but also exhausting. The interviews offered so much information and emotion, requiring a great deal of presence and energy from me. I think that it would have been helphl to digest the experience of one interview prior to moving into another. I also contacted women's organizations and visited women-friendly bookstores to explain my research project. All were supportive and allowed me to put posters in their offices or, in one case, to put a posting on their e- mail listserve. I included the information from the introductory letter found in Appendix
C. Three women came to me through the posters and I was able to arrange interviews with two of them.
Three women came to me by referral from an enthusiastic friend. Another woman was a friend of my partner. We discussed whether this would be awkward for either of us or whether it might violate my guideline of not interviewing people with whom I had a personal relationship. I was aware that a personal relationship may introduce complexities and dynamics which cannot be accounted for (Cotterill, 1992). I had experienced first-hand the potential dangers of this dual relationship when I participated Women's Sexuality 83 in the interpretive research of a friend of mine. However, Jane and I decided that we were both very comfortable proceeding and that the degree of our personal connection was not at issue for the research process.
Women contacted me with some information either from the introductory letter or from another individual who told them about the study. In almost all cases, women already had both written and verbal information about the project. When we set up our meetings by telephone, I offered to answer questions or provide any information which might make their participation seem more comfortable. I explained that I would be audiotaping the interviews. We arranged a meeting time and place that was suitable to both of us. I met with one woman in my home but usually was invited to come to their home or workplace. I baked and took loaves and cookies to each of the women who participated. This seemed to me a gesture of thanks for the time and energy they were giving me, and I think symbolized the historical centrality of food in women's connections to one another.
The Women Who Found Me
The women who participated were all over 45 years of age, as requested for the research. The youngest woman was 47 and the oldest was 70 years old. Eight of the women married in their twenties and seven of these women later divorced. The one woman who had not divorced was widowed the year before I met her; her husband died after forty-three years of marriage. Four of the women were in committed relationships at the time of our meeting, including one who had re-married and two who were in long- Women's Sexuality 84 term relationships with women. Five women were single, two of whom had recently ended long-term relationships. Three of the women identified as lesbians.
The work roles of the wolllen I met with included secreta~y,fanner, social worker, agency director, accountant, retired nurse, homemaker, and full-time student.
Two women were completing graduate degrees part-time while working fill-time. Four of the women included the label of feminist in their self-descriptions. Of the nine women, seven were mothers and five were grandmothers. One woman was on the cusp of turning fifty and becoming a grandmother within the next few weeks after our meeting.
Efforts were made to include women of different perspectives. Diversity was a goal, although 'representativeness' and 'saturation' were not. I did not want to include women whose participation was not wholly voluntary. I put out the information in several ways and let women contact me. When we spoke on the phone I reiterated the purpose and process of the study and confirmed that they were comfortable proceeding. It felt unethical to me that anyone should participate because they were prodded to do so, especially with a topic as intensely personal as sexuality.
I expected that the women who agreed to be interviewed would be relatively self- aware and comfortable in discussing their sexuality--indeed, their reflective awareness and openness were critical to the illumination of the phenomenon (Daniluk, 1992;
Osborne, 1990). Unfortunately, I am lacking in views from racialized and immigrant women. I offered the information to a few different people who I thought might help in rectifying this. However, I acknowledged that certain women may be embarrassed to Women's Sexuality 85 discuss sexuality, or may consider it immoral or distasteful. For some, it may be culturally inappropriate or even taboo. If I were to build upon this dissertation with hrther research in women's sexuality, I would hope to find a way to reach those women and hear of their experiences.
Journeying; Tocether
As I met with each woman, I began by having her review and sign the informed consent form shown in Appendix D. When we were ready to begin, the tape recorder was turned on and I started with encouraging each woman to tell me about herself. I explained that I would describe her in the research the way that she described herself. This gave us an opportunity to get to know one another a little better and for me to put our discussions of sexuality into some context of her life. Sometimes, our conversation about sexuality simply evolved from this self-description. Other times I used a prompt to bring us to the topic of sexuality, which was some variation of, "I would like to have a conversation with you about women's sexuality and sexual desire. I am interested in whatever thoughts and experiences come to mind when I mention that topic."
Our conversation moved on from that point, often cycling through excited narration and reflective quietness. I stayed quiet through much of this but would use n~omentsof stillness to reflect back what I was hearing or to share thoughts I had on their stories. The emphasis was not on specific sexual experiences but on the meanings women derived from those experiences. I wanted to hear the behaviours, thoughts and feelings that each woman deemed important in her understanding of the phenomenon of being Women's Sexuality 86 sexual. Our first meetings were anywhere from 45 minutes to three hours long, depending on the participant. At the end of the interview, I invited each woman to call or e-mail me if she thought of additional infonnation or if she wanted to talk about anything related to the process of our meeting. I advised her that I would contact her for a follow-up meeting once all of the initial interviews were complete.
I was ambitious and deluded enough to think that transcribing the interviews myself was a good idea. After transcribing three interviews myself, I realized how time- consuming this process was and contacted a professional transcriber. I listened to each tape prior to having it transcribed and made sure that very specific identifying information was omitted. As I got the transcripts back, I listened to the tapes again and reviewed the transcripts. I made any other changes that needed to be incorporated for the accuracy of the transcripts or the anonymity of the participants. In listening to the tapes while reading the words, I immersed myself in the conversations again. I sought to be able to hear the participant's voice, her inflection and tone, her feeling, her certainty and
l~esitation,just by reading the words of the transcript.
I reviewed each of the transcripts carefully in order to write an interview
summary for each of the women I spoke with. The process of writing summaries was
extremely helpful in terms of terms of allowing me to interact with the transcripts and
better understand the messages coming through about women's sexuality. However, I
also felt somewhat unconlfortable with reducing forty pages of rich, real dialogue to a
page and a half overview. I realize that this is part of the difficulty of phenomenological Women's Sexuality 87 research; something of the phenomenon is lost in the translation of experience into language and the further translation of language into meaning (Osborne, 1990). There was almost a sense of violence in doing this and I worried that I had fallen prey to the reductionist, decontextualizing goals of my earlier positivistic training. Thus, I returned to the transcripts, to the words and voices that I now felt I knew deeply.
When I had completed this stage of analysis, I called each of the women to arrange a follow-up meeting. I sent each person a package with the interview summary and transcript from our meeting, a copy of the introductory chapter, and a cover letter similar to the one shown in Appendix E. I invited women to meet with me. When some were unable to do so, I encouraged them to give me their feedback and additional thoughts in writing. The follow-up meetings were not transcribed. However, I listened carefully to the tapes and incorporated the input of these discussions into my on-going writing process, adding quotes and clarifying nuances of experience as appropriate.
Some of the analysis process was already present in the transcripts by looking at my comments and my reflections of their words. I was constantly giving back to participants what I heard, seeking hrther depth on their perspectives, and inviting them to comment on mine. At times during our conversations, I would think of something that another participant had previously told me and mention it to stimulate further discussion.
Thus, each interview informed subsequent interviews. The ideas and questions to be raised in our follow-up meetings arose throughout the process of interacting with the women and reviewing their transcripts (Cook & Fonow, 1990). Additional meetings built Women's Sexuality 88 hrther on this web of interrelationship. Women had a chance to hear what had come out of all my conversations so far and to contribute their thoughts on my findings and interpretations. Our understanding of the phenomenon became more intricate and multi- layered, with participants becoming part of the process, as well as the content, of the inquiry (Minister, 199 1; van Manen, 1990).
Creating Meaning
Husserl's pure phenomenology goal of accessing the pre-reflective nature of experience is not an achievable one. Language is never neutral and thus exists as a filter for experience (Lather, 1986; Osborne, 1990). Language provides a means for us to examine our experiences and to articulate them in such a way as to awaken connection with others. The stories of the women who spoke with me represented an interplay between intuition, experience, and thoughtfulness. They had done enough self-analysis on the topic of sexuality to volunteer to speak to the phenomenon and we continued the analysis in the intersubjective dynamic of our conversations. My interpretation of their lived experience involves moving beyond words to broader context and deeper meaning
(Allen & Jensen, 1990; Osborne, 1994). Thus, there is a necessary hermeneutic component at all levels of the inquiry process.
Having spent time being with the transcripts hearing and understanding the conversations with nine women, I now turned to them again with the goal of interpreting--of creating meaning. I looked for themes, highlighting in different colours the topics that seemed to emerge--green for statements about sexual desire, yellow for Women's Sexuality 89 self-esteem, pink for body image. I could not imagine how I was to pull all of this together and I felt the same uneasy sense of reductionism that I felt when writing the interview summaries. I spoke with one of my committee members, who encouraged me not to look so much for themes but for some overriding sense of structure making up the experience. I was stuck on how to do this so I returned to my learnings journal.
Merleau-Ponty says, "When I speak I discover what it is that I wished to say." (in van Manen, 1984. p. 41). So it was for me with the process of the stream of consciousness writing I do in my journal. I stumbled upon meaning by seeing it unfold before me on the screen. I came unstuck through the process of writing, which is very phenomenological in itself. As I wrote, the phrase "permission to be whole" came to me, repeated itself a couple of times more insistently until I shifted my attention to it. I experienced a surge of energy. It was as if words and ideas were being given to me from somewhere outside of myself. I typed manicly to record it all, afraid it might be fleeting.
The result was a conceptually reasonable, if not very articulate, focus for my dissertation.
I described this in my journal at the time as an elation of connection, similar to the energetic power of talking with a close friend and feeling hlly present to her, fi~lly known by her. It was a profound sense of having connected with the process, with the content, of having connected more fully with the women who shared themselves with me.
It seems to me that such are the moments which define interpretive inquiry in all its fullness and depth. Phenomenology's ultimate aim is to advance the fulfilment of human nature, encouraging us to live more fully who we are (van Manen, 1990). Thus, Women's Sexuality 90 the methodology becomes even more powerfully appropriate for this inquiry. By itself, the phrase "permission to be whole" does not do justice to the richness of the lived experience but it serves to allude to the significance of the phenomenon. Max van Manen explains that themes have phenomenological power when they "allow us to proceed with phenon~enologicaldescription .... These kinds of themes are only fasteners, foci, or threads around which the phenomenological description is facilitated" (1984, p. 59). The concept of "permission to be whole" is the centrepoint by which I can filly delve into the phenomenon of being sexual, by which I can coherently tell the stories of these nine older women and how they lived more fully who they are as sexual beings.
With this in mind, I returned to my highlighting approach. I pulled from the transcripts the lucid quotes and hesitant comments which lent voice to the phenomenon. I questioned the spaces which were not highlighted, challenged myself to understand why I was leaving them out. I sought to understand the implications of both what fit and what did not, the conlmonalities and the dissimilarities of women's experiences (Osborne,
1994; van Manen, 1990). I did not expect that the information women shared could all be neatly accounted for but I wanted to know I was making sound decisions in my selection of experiences to flesh out the phenomenon. Given that understanding is value-laden and context-bound, I knew that my ultimate interpretation would be partial and partisan.
However, I wanted to feel confident that my efforts were as trustworthy, as honest and respectful, as possible (Lincoln & Guba, 1986). Women's Sexuality 9 1
Writing Women's Lives
Since Max van Manen (1990) defines hermeneutic phenomenology as fi~ndamentallya writing activity, the next level of developing understanding was for me to set about the process of writing. I began Chapter four by simply pulling out the quotes that I had highlighted and putting them under headings. I believed that I knew the transcripts well at this point and that the headings I first chose would fit. However, the headings changed with each interview I re-reviewed. At times this felt overwhelming. At one point, chapter four was just a mess of quotes and, while I knew that the information was rich, I remained uncertain how the women's words would become intelligible reading.
The headings transformed themselves over and over, almost without my permission. I gave myself up to this process and just kept going. I began to understand why van Manen said that hermeneutic phenomenological research really took shape in the writing process. The women's voices began to come alive, to become audible to me.
It seemed as if they were speaking to one another and not just to me. Marie and Suzanne were reflecting intimately together about their sexual desires being awakened by post- marital flings with men who were devoted to their pleasure. Jane and Linda were sharing stories of how they discovered their lesbianism and came into themselves. The quotes were beautiful to me by themselves. I added what I felt I needed to in order for the stories to be in context of the women speaking them and to create some flow and focus for their Women's Sexuality 92 stories to emerge. I believe that Chapters Four and Five belong to these nine women; they are theirs more than mine. That is as I had hoped it would be.
I an1 also aware that I chose what to include and what not to include. In reviewing the un-highlighted spaces in the transcripts, there are a couple of areas that I see I have left behind in writing these women's lives. First, I often did not include some of the rapport building discussions that we had. Sandy and I had a conversation about smoking while she paused during our interview to step out for a cigarette. Nancy and I discussed the virtues of pets as her little dog sat under the table giving my hand and arm a thorough licking. Suzanne told me stories about her granddaughter's latest signs of developmental genius. Sometimes these discussions produced vivid commentary on these women's lives and their sexuality. Other times, they simply served the all-important purpose of helping us connect to one another.
Second, the white spaces included reminiscences on women's lives and relationships that were separate from our discussions of sexuality. Jane and Loretta had recently left long-term relationships and so I think their circumstances meant they were processing what went right and wrong in their partnerships. This context was always part of how I viewed our discussions but I chose to leave out many of the details in writing their stories. Similarly, the white spaces sometimes were part of a story that got left behind because the essence of the story was best captured in a few words. The transcripts from the first interviews totalled nearly 300 pages; something had to be left out! Women's Sexuality 93
Writing the lives of these women reminded me why I wanted to do this research project in the first place. Their experiences are painful and courageous, fumbling and determined, moving and enlightening. Their insights are rich and valuable; I felt excited to share them. Their voices on the topic of women's sexuality are diverse, sexy, wise,
funny, and penetrating. Drawing this back to the literature in Chapter five felt like a
natural extension of our conversations and important part of allowing women's voices to
lend understanding or credibility to the literature. I also felt a little bit regrethl of
needing to step away from the women to some extent and come back to academic reality.
Writing the final chapter represents, for me, the quintessential struggle between
connection and distance in writing these women's lives. Women's Sexuality 94
CHAPTER FOUR
Exploring Women's Voices
My intent in this chapter is to share the stories that women shared with me, staying as close to their voices as possible. Therefore, I use quotes from our conversations liberally, italicized to reinforce the fact that it is not my voice speaking.
The thread of the phenon~enologicaltheme, the permission to the whole, is woven throughout this chapter, fastening the various concepts expressed by these nine women to the idea that self and sexuality are inextricably connected.
I begin with the way that women defined or understood women's sexuality.
Furthering this understanding, I present their experiences of learning about sex and sexuality both as children and throughout the lifespan. As seven of the nine women are mothers, they also spoke of their role in teaching their children or grandchildren about sexuality. Much of how women developed their knowledge and their identity around sexuality was from their sexual experiences and relationships. Their experilllentation taught them about desire and pleasure, about expectation and power, about connection and disconnection. Just as women were developing more sexual freedoms on a socio- cultural level, these women were exercising their choices and exploring what sexual freedom meant to them personally. They rejected certain relationships and found peace, healing and affirmation of sexuality in other relationships. I describe women's stories of sexual experience and the self-concept that shaped and was shaped by these experiences.
Issues of self-esteem, body image and aging influenced how women did or did not see themselves as sexual beings. There was both sadness and celebration in their comments Women's Sexuality 95 on sexuality. Throughout, there is a sense of wisdom and hopefulness about women's relationships, women's voices, and women's sexuality.
Some of the messages that women shared are not directly related to sex and sexuality. As our discussions flowed, they told me about relationships, children, death, abuse, illness, feminism, and joy. Although the topic was clearly sexuality, it could not be discussed without issues from the context of women's lives also coming up. Part of this may have been comfort-building or us straying on tangents. But, as I reviewed their quotes, adding my interpretation and my voice, I concluded that their stories were all in some way related to our goal; it was important to talk about self when talking about sexuality.
Discovering; Women's Sexuality
At some point in my meetings with women, our conversation always turned to defining sexuality. Understanding our individual definitions of sexuality was crucial to our communicating about the topic. My own ideas as described in Chapter One were enriched by the perspectives of these women. Therefore, I begin by sharing their thoughts on what sexuality is and how they formed their ideas of sexuality. The women commented on learning about sex and women's bodies, about the socio-cultural context of their sex and sexuality education, and about how they educated their own children about sexuality.
Understanding; Sex and Sexuality
When I gave my open prompt at the beginning of our discussions, Nancy right away identified the diversity in our meanings for sex and sexuality. She asked me, Women's Sexuality 96
"When you say sex and sexuality, do you mean the fact that I anz a woman or are you
talking about intercourse? " I agreed that sex was about both who we are as gendered
beings and who we are as sexual beings, that I was interested in any kind of sexuality,
whether that be individual or partnered, fantasy or feelings, beyond just intercourse.
Nancy called this "thefull meal deal."
As a retired nurse and an advocate in the area of women's reproductive health,
Nancy was comfortable talking about sex. Defining sex was the easy part--it was more
about the biology and mechanics aspect of sexuality. However, articulating a meaning for
sexuality was more difficult;
[Sexualityl just seems so much a part of me. And yet ifI was to put it into words, I really don't know what I could say. There's the sex feelings. But I think that sexuality is sort ofyour whole being. I mean, I know I'm a woman and that's a sexual thing. I know men are sexual too; they have sexuality in their make-up. I don't know how I would actually say it. --Nancy
Sexuality is more nebulous than sex. Most of the women spoke of sexuality as
encompassing much more than sexual intercourse. As Brenda and Linda explain,
sexuality involves the affection and intimacy expressed between two people;
It's not just, you know, when you go to bed and have sex. To me, sexual intel.course is not the be all and end all of every relationship. To me, it's also what happens in between, you know, the affection and the love that people show each other. That's all part of the sexuality. For me, anyway. --Brenda
Sex per se isn't a big thingfor either one of us. It's the touching, the back rub, pat on the butt, kiss good-bye, whatever it happens to be. It's the touching that's the inzportant part. --Linda
Suzanne went so far as to say that sex was not worth the bother if it did not
include intimacy, connection and emotion. In other words, sex outside of the context of Women's Sexuality 97 sexuality was a waste of time. As Suzanne tells it, the aspects of trust and respect transformed an otherwise "ridiculous act" into something fun and pleasurable;
I think sex is a waste of time without tlze intimacy. Certainly, you need respect. And trust. And I think the ability to laugh at yourself and each other because it is sort of a ridictllous act for all that it feels so good. I nzean, there's a lot of things about it that are not graceful or gracious or aesthetically pleasing in the details of it. --Suzanne
The difficulty of defining sexuality came through in many ways, as if women had not spoken it before and lacked confidence in their knowing about it. For instance,
Brenda often qualified her comments, tacking on, "For me, anyway," at the end to imply that she wasn't sure her views were shared by other women. Their tentativeness is characteristic of women's conversation and not necessarily unique to discussions of sex and sexuality. But it highlights that their subjective knowing about sex and sexuality was
something not always previously articulated and, as in many cases, women had difficulty trusting that what they knew was valid in the broader scheme of things. Linda expressed uncertainty in her definition before going on to clarify what she thought sexuality was;
I'in going to go out on a liinb and say I don't think my detfinitioiz is what everybody else says and I think that you're going to tell me it S exactly what everybody else says in tlze long run, aren't yot1. I think sexuality is intimacy and conuort, those two components. And intiinacy not being naked and rolling around in bed. Intinzncy ineans the touching and the being there aizd even just ifyou're sitting watching TV, it's the conizectedness of it without having to sa), anything or really even having to reach over and touch the other person. It's just the being there. It S a warin feeling. It ?night be energy. --Linda
I was intrigued by Linda's focus on intimacy and comfort. Her views affirmed
again what most women told me--that sexuality was not really about genital sex for them.
But it was clear that there was also a difference between the intimacy and comfort of a Women's Sexuality 98 romantic, sexual relationship and the intimacy and comfort of a platonic one. Linda and I tried together to clarify this difference;
There is sonzething when two people meet that says, "I want to be with this person. I want to be inside her skin or whatever the phrasing of it is and it doesn't happen with everybody. With some people it's not that electric charge. That a bad word to use because it isiz 't that sparksJly and things are happening, it's just that I feel really, reallv connected to tlzis person. There's something special here. -- Linda
Like Linda, Jane commented on how sexuality was about an expression between two people without necessarily differentiating between romantic and platonic connections. For her, sexuality is more about people than it is about gender or romance;
Sexualityfor me is, I don't know, it's really changed for ine over the last few years because it's sonzething that I didn't think about a lot.... Sexuality for me is how we relate to other people in the world and express love or caring for them. And soinetimes I wonder ifit's about gender or ifit's about people. I'm not really sure on that continuum where that falls. I'm much more coinfortable in same sex relationships at tlzis point in iny life. But I still wonder about, as I meet people I'm kind of attracted to tlze person and I don't know that it S necessarily conizected to gender. --Jane
Only Jane and Nancy conlrnented on the connection between gender and sexuality, wondering whether sexuality is really as much about gender as our environmental constructions of it would have us believe. Of course, this issue is quite salient for Jane as a lesbian living in a world where heterosexuality is the assumed position. For Nancy, her bird-watching hobby became a reference point for her belief that biological sex does not make us as different as our societal expectations do;
Perhaps sexuality is almost not gender speciJic--almost not. I mean, we have different roles and different bodies and differentjits. But I mean, that is that way so that we can proci-eate and ifyou look around in tlze world at the birds and the animals, eveiything is done that way. But a pair of birds that are different, like tlze inale and female are different in quite often very visible ways, build and do Women's Sexuality 99
what they're supposed to do and it can be either gender that can do the izestiizg or the rearing or the feeding or else both do it. Both male and female are sexual beings. ...Ijust don't think that we have to be different. I think that it Spromoted, that's what we're fed in the school, church and media. But women can provide and men can nurture. --Nancy
Although the understanding of sexuality remained somewhat broad and nebulous, some women commented on the aspects of sex which were required in a definition of healthy sexuality. Marie's definition was indicative of her long-term work in the area of women's reproductive health, uniting her personal and professional viewpoints. She talked about sexuality as sex, as safe, as natural. Marie expressed the conflict between believing that sex and sexuality require intimacy and also believing that a long-term commitment does not necessarily have to be there for a healthy expression of sexuality;
Healthy sexuality would be in a very stable, loving relationship and it would be enjoyable and safe. That would be healthy sexuality. And that loving relationship is a very important part of it but I also think--I don't know ifyou have to be in a long-ternz relationship to do that because I think there S--I know I'm going against the teachings of AIDS and everything but I really believe that, as long as you practice safe sex4think people are sexual beings and I think that's so inherent in people that you can't deny that sexuality. And I think there S soilzething very sad ifyou deny your sexuality just because you haven't found the person that you want to be with for the rest ofyour life. --Marie
Marie's definition emphasizes the context for how healthy sexuality might take place, not necessarily describing the content of sexual interactions. She expanded on the role of commitment in sexuality when she commented on the importance of emotional maturity;
As long as you make sure you're safe and pi-otected. And I'm talking about adults. It makes me very sad when I hear about children going from partner to partner and I think they're looking for something different. I don't think they're mature enough to have a healthy sexuality. But when you become an adult I really don't Women's Sexuality 100
believe you have to be in a long-term nzarriage to have a healthy sexual life. -- Marie
Lou and Suzanne mentioned the importance of our thoughts and values and the interaction with the person you choose to share sexuality with. These women alluded to aspects of the self which were required for sexuality to be safe and healthy, for it to be comfortably and fully expressed;
Personal sexuality I think starts in your head. Without having a positive attitude towards it, you aren 't going to enjoy sex. Our minds can either make us become fully involved in the sexual act and, as much as physical stimulation creates orgasm, without your mind in it too, it's not going to happen. I really honestly believe that sex begins in the mind. --Lou
It really is a shared experience and ifyou 're not prepared to ask for that and also to give it, then you're really not being honest. It is about trust and respect. And it should bejiin. --Suzanne
The concepts of self-respect and intimacy were key in women's understanding of
sexuality. Sexuality was an important aspect of being human, a significant part of relating to others in many different ways. And, of course, I was very glad to hear someone
include "fun" in her definition of sexuality!
Sexualitv Education: What the Women Learned
In some ways, I found it difficult to see where these women had developed their
positive views of sexuality when I heard about the sex and sexuality education they
received as children and young women. Most women had little or no direct sexuality
education growing up. Their lessons came from the culture around them, which seemed
to present a discomforting view of sexuality generally and women's sexuality
specifically. Linda described the context for her sexuality education, remembering the Women's Sexuality 10 1
"snzutty side" and the way that her sister's sexual activity was a source of pain and fear for her parents;
I remember all sorts of dirty jokes and limericks and rhymes and all the smutty side of sexuality that you hear as a kid growing up. I remember my sister being sexually active and my mom tracking her down in the middle of the night with a flashlight. My sister was quite the girl. I remember bits and pieces of st@ Like there was a bus driver, a real heavy set lady with a great big chest and everyone called her TG. I thought that was for Thebna Grace but it wasn't. It was for Tits Galore. That's the kind of atmosphere I grew up in. --Linda
Most often, no one spoke about sexuality. As in my own experience, women learned through the silence, through messages that surrounded them, and through friends that may or may not have known any better than they did. Jane and Marie spoke to this
"underground" way of learning about sexuality;
There wasn't any talk of sex or sexuality in my house at all .... School was really the place that we learned about sex. And talking to yourfiiends you probably learned nzore than anywhere else. It's just this kilzd of underground sort of way of corning to kno~vabout sex. --Jane
My mom handed me a book and said to ask questions. And I didn't even have any understanding of what I was reading. I think my main might be a little tinier bit rnore open to talking now but not inuch affer all these years. --Marie
Sandy says that her family's silence about sexuality did not suggest that sex was dirty, at the same time implying that her interest in sex could have easily led her to becoming a pervert. Clearly, there is a message in the silence as well: sex is something quiet, private and not quite proper. Sandy was left with the message that her sexual desire and curiousity were deviant;
We never talked about it. It was treated--it just wasn 't treated as anything. It wasn't treated as dirty or anything. Wejust didn't talk about it. I was never brought up knowing what sex was. I was very interested in it though. I loved dirty Women's Sexuality 102
magazines and anything I could get nzy hands on. Luckily I didn't turn into a dirty old lady. Iprobably could have been a real old pervert ifI'd wanted to. --Sandy
Many women supported this idea that their sexuality education taught them to feel guilty about their sexual feelings and ashamed of their explorations of sex. The message was that women were not sexual, or at least that they were not supposed to be. As Marie articulates, there were nasty consequences for the girls who went against this dictum;
I think women our age have been taught that--and I'm going back inany years now--that a nice girl didn 't enjoy sex. That was certainly a lingeringfeeling or teaching that I had when I was growing up was that nice girls just didn't do it and they certainly didn't enjoy it.... There were always rumours about the girls who did. It was quite horrendous .... Everyone knew who put out, what girl put out and it was a conquest for guys and the girls were bad. You always hoped that, ifyou did sonzething with your boyfriend that he would keep his inouth shut. It was really quite oppressivefor young wonzen back then and I don 't think it was healthy for guys eitlzel: --Marie
In addition to inspiring shame, the lack of information about sexuality sometimes led to fear. Not knowing about women's bodies and their reproductive potential, some women experienced their bodies as foreign. Natural processes like menstruation and childbirth were things that happened to them almost without their involvement. Linda and Sandy found out in rather traumatic ways what their own bodies were capable of;
I was 16 and engaged to be ~narriedand my girpiend told me one day about how babies were born. We were talking about kids 01. something, I suppose, because I was engaged. I had not had sex with nzy husband. You didn 't do sex before you were nzarried. And I called her a liar because that was not lzow babies were born. I didn't know how they were born but it certainly didn't come out of there! And so she left and she brought me her dad's book because her dad had studied to be a doctor. And it was true. Ijust about had a heart attack. No visualization powers would come up at all. --Sandy
Linda's experience of pregnancy was an example of how not understanding our bodies can lead us to feel isolated from our own experience, as if our bodies are objects Women's Sexuality 103 outside of our control. Her unempathic medical caregivers likely contributed to the sense of disconnection that she felt from her body and from the process of giving birth. Linda described her experience of having a baby as "weird;"
When I was pregnant for nzy son it was a lot of fun. I was as big as a house and it was great. I was a happy, healthy pregnant lady. But I guess there 's some stages to the birthing thing and there's what they call a mucous plug that pops out and a little bit of blood shows and that lets you know that it's coming soon. Well that happened and Ifleaked aizd phoned my doctor and he said, "Cakn down, calm down. We'll get you to the hospital. You 'refine." And I'm in labor in the delivery room and my water break. I mean, it was like Mount Vesuvius and I screamed and hollered aizd carried oiz and the nurse said, "Oh shut up. There's uothing wrong with you. " But I didn't know any of this stufi I didn 't have a clue what was happening to me. I got pregnant. I had a baby. It was weird. --Linda
In a couple of instances, women told of being educated about sex and sexuality in more direct ways. Lou's education came from the Catholic Church and school system of the 1950s. She describes this, saying that it was "quite sometlzing to overcome" in her understanding of herself as sexual;
They used so many techniques to convince us tlzat our bodies were bad and that God controlled what we did with our bodies. It was based on, you know, sex is only ever to be used ifthere's a chance for procreation. It's not a recreational thing. It went so fur as these nuns describing to us how many times you could wipe yourself having used the toilet or wash yourselfin the bathrooin. They told you, over three times and you've gone beyond cleaning yourselJ: You're now considered lo be in tlze uct ofplaying with yourse& ... And the passages out of the bible where tlze senzen was not to touch anything but the inside of a woman--you know, 'you cannot spill your seed on the ground. ' ... Well, there's no way that you can keep tlze semen inside your body and I had this vision of all these good Catholic girls with theirfeet up in tlze ail- trying to prevent loss. There was tremendous effort made to make us believe that being per$ectly normal was pewerted, tlzat having sexual desires aizd feelings was siizful and that we weren't supposed to do these things. --Lou
Lou considered the sex education from church and school to be damaging and the messages from home to be conhsing and contradictory. On one hand, everyone in her Women's Sexuality 104 family was very comfortable with nudity and Lou got very positive nlessages about her body. At the same time, her father was very disturbed by the idea of his daughters being sexual and some of his messages about Lou's sexuality were negative and damaging;
My dad was just absolutely livid at the thought of us being sexually active ...and he went to great extreines to make sure it didn 't happen. From the time we hit puberty he called us sluts and whores and tranps. Some boy would come to the door to pick us up and he'd say, "What back road are you going out tofuck on
tonight? " ... He did me a terrible disservice as a child at the age of 12 by explaining the birds and the bees to me and telling me that boys were going to pretend to be iny friend and they wanted to dance with me or they wanted to go for a walk with me but I was to remember that the only thing that any man was ever going to wantfionz i?ze was tofuck me. That gave ine a terrible self-image. It took me a very long time to get past that. --Lou
By and large, these women were not given good information or good role models for what healthy sexuality could look like for women. The issues of sexuality education were complicated even more for lesbian women. In a time when talking about sexuality was uncomfortable, talking about sexual orientation was out of the question. Examples of gay women were either disregarded or difficult for these women to relate to. Jane and
Linda told of their early conceptualizations of what lesbians were;
I said, "have you ever thought about Aunt Hazel? Do you think she was gay?" And 171y aunt would say, "Well, I hadn't thought of that." So people just lived such closed lives. --Jane
When I was a teenager, my step-dad's sister was what we used to call a diesel- d~)ke,a vely ~nasculinewoman who dated women, who dressed like a man, who held down a man 'sjob. This was my experience of my perception of a lesbian, of gay wonzelz. And I never even considered the possibility that I was gay because here's l?zy role model and I'ln not like that. So it never even entered my head that I might be gay but ~ustnot like that. --Linda
Nancy and Loretta painted a different picture of their sexuality education, feeling more positively about how it was handled in their homes. For Loretta, although there was Won~en'sSexuality 105 no direct information about sex, she felt like certain values related to sexuality were modeled by her parents. In talking about her sex education, she naturally connected sexuality with affection, emotions, values, and her experience of having a voice;
I don 't remember my parents really talking about sex very much but my family's very demonstrative as far as hugging and kissing and expressing emotions, you know, crying or laughing. And also, our opinions were always accepted as valid. When I think back now, we sat around the table and even when we were little, we voiced our opinioizs and we were treated as if those were valid ideas. We were a long waysfionz being seen and not heard. --Loretta
Loretta recalled one example of somewhat more direct teaching about sexuality.
She shared the fond memory of her father speaking with her and her older sister about their mother's menopause. Part of the message he communicated was one of caring for
Loretta's feelings. She is still moved that he thought enough of her experience in the fanlily to talk with her about something that was not often spoken of;
A reallj) interesting thing about my dad when I thought back about it after I was older, you know how menopause is such a taboo subject and talked about quite derogatively in many respects. Well, when Moin was starting to have emotional ups and downs and difficulties, Dad talked to us about it. Isn't that anzazing? He said, "Wlzen women get a little bit older, Moin 's age, they go through a period," I think he even called it menopause. No, he probably said 'change of life. 'Anyway, he said, "The))have a lot of emotional ups and downs for a while so ifyou see Mom crying, it's not your fault. "Isn't that anzazing? It makes me choke up just thinking about it even now because how many men his age would have even thought about doing that? --Loretta
Even though Nancy was the oldest of the women interviewed, she was also the most clear exception to the rule when it came to sexuality education. She describes her mother as a role model for her in growing up to be a nurse and a feminist. Nancy's mother was a nurse and spoke to her openly about sex and sexuality; Women's Sexuality 106
My nzotlzer would talk to me about anything and she would talk to me about sex and I could ask her anything. As a matter of fact, I fed the neighbourhood knowledge. I can remember at one point when I was asking her about babies and inensti-uatioiz and that and she said, "Now don't go offand tell all your friends, " and I.would just run straight over and tell all myfiiends. --Nancy
These experiences of alternate messages about sexuality were meaningful to women even remembering them decades later. Although Lou had very negative experiences of sexuality education from a Catholic perspective, she recalled a single positive experience that had a deep and lasting influence on her views about sexuality;
One really positive thing happened. We used to have to go into retreats and one of the young fellows ...went into the confessional and there was a young, fairly modern priest who had come in for this retreat and this fellow was explaining to the priest what we had been told by the priests and the nuns in our home parish about the bod))and about sharing it. And this priest was just so angry to think tlzat this had been done to this group of kids and his message was, "That's
normal. It's izatural. It's not perverted. You are not going to burn in hell for it. " And of course this fellow immediately passed this back to the whole bunch of us, which I thought was a really good thing. For him to have the nerve to bring this zip with a priest and for that priest to react in such a positive way, tlzat had a profound effect on me. --Lou
Sexuality Education: What the Women Taught
Women's sexuality education was most often characterized by negative messages or silence. It is likely that this was exactly the kind of sexuality education received by their parents and their parents' parents. Since all but two of the nine women later became parents themselves, most of the women had the opportunity to educate their children about sex and sexuality. Some found that sexuality was a difficult subject to communicate about with their children. Loretta, at age 58, feels that her generation was still taught not to talk about sex and sexuality. She notices a difference even in the few years between her and her younger sibling; Women's Sexuality 107
With my daughter, I mean, we did talk about sex but I don't think I talked to her as much as I should have. I wasn't as open with her as I should have been. I feel some sense of guilt in that... I think I left her in a vulnerable position. I think that really shows that I have inhibitions nzyseg My younger sister is so much more open. I think she's done a much betterjob than what I did and I suspect a much better job than what my older sister did as well. I mean, we're different personalities but I think we're also definitely victims of our time as well. --Loretta
Women needed to come into their own sexuality in order to teach their children about sex and sexuality. Linda felt disconnected from sex and sexuality for most of her life, so she didn't really consider it as a factor for her children either. She underwent a transition in her self-understanding and sexuality about the same time her children were also exploring sexuality. She was figuring things out the same time they were, which didn't put her in a very good position to be a teacher and model for healthy sexuality for her children;
I don 't X~ZOW if1did a real good job of educating my own kids about sex.... probably because by tlze time I realized I shotlld have, it was too late. It wasn't a big part of nzy life. It never dawned on me that it nzight be a bigpart of theirs, you know. That S a really weird way to look at it but probably true.... I think a lot of things coincided for my kids and I. When they were at that age when they were inaybe looking at exploring sex orflipping through the Playboy magazine or whatever it was, is when I was sort of discoveriizg nzy lesbianism. So I was going through a whole bunch of stuff at tlze same tiine and I didn't realize what they were going through. I was busy being a teenager. So were they. --Linda
One of the main messages that women wanted to communicate for their children about sexuality was to have a strong sense of themselves as people. Having strong self- esteem was seen as critical to feeling comfortable with sexuality and making good sexual decisions. Often, a strong sense of self was what women felt they were missing from their own sexuality education and experience, so trying to pass it along to their children was Women's Sexuality 108 new territory. As Suzanne and Lou explained, they sometimes feared they were inadequate to the task of providing a healthy sense of sexual self to their children;
One of my major goals always with my kids was the hope that I would give them a sense of self-worth, that they would kizow they were good people. I'm sure they got some terribly mixed messages about sexuality because what Ipreached was not necessarily what I did. I have the belief that it's an exclusive thing, that it's a gift and it's only for people that you genuinely care about. And certainly that's what I told thein but I was just as much aflirt as my mother. --Suzanne
I have concerns that I was never able to demonstrate a good committed relationship to my kids because I don't think I'm capable of it. But at least I tried to give them a strong sense of thenzselves. I told all of them growing up that they had a right to expect something out of a relationship, that they were entitled to nzore than the back seat of a car. And I told my girls in particular that they did not have to be used for sex, that ifthey didn 'tfeel they were getting something out of it then there was absolutely no reason for them to be involved in it. --Lou
Other women were more comfortable with sexuality issues in their parenting and
spoke openly about sex with their children--or at least they tried. Nancy had open
discussions about sexuality with her own mother and was comfortable speaking about sex
as a nurse. Still, she sometimes found it awkward speaking with her sons;
I would like to say that trying to teach a pair of sons about sexuality is extrei~zely difficult. They didiz 't want to hear itfiom mom. They would not talk to me. They will now but they didiz 't then. So Igave them books to read. ... My husband said we should get the doctor to talk to them. I said, "Doctors don't know anything. That much 1 know. " --Nancy
Most women expressed a belief that it was important to communicate with their
children about sexuality, to give them both information and values and to teach them how
to be safe. Jane and Nancy spoke of their children and grandchildren being embarrassed
by their degree of openness about sexuality. However, I had the sense that these kids
were also pleased by the concern expressed and by the knowledge that there was Women's Sexuality 109 someone they could trust when it came to talking about sex. As well, I suspect that these women were proud of their ability to work through the embarrassment to get across important information, that somehow they were doing justice to that adage that it is sometimes a mother's job to mortify her children.
When my kids were growing up it was a time when you had to start being really worried about kids being touched and what they know about being touched. So I think for my kids, we started earlier and then as they got older I talked to them about sex and they didn't want to hear it. It was a terrible thing for them to sit through. Then when they got older, the condom talk. Every time they had a new girlfrieizd, the condom talk. I'm sure they would have loved to have killed me. -- Jane
My grandson just moved in with a woman so I sent him a care package with condoms and birth control and pamphlets on nzakiizg love without intercourse and those kinds of things. I sent him this little thing and he's never responded. His girlfriend just handed it to hiin and said, "Grandma sent this. " I get them giggling about something or other. Sonzetinzes I think I embarrass the kids. -- Nancy
Educating children about sexuality requires that we assume that they are sexual beings. The women I spoke with generally believed that all humans are sexual beings from birth to death so the idea of their children being sexual was natural enough in concept. In reality, it was a bit more challenging. Having their children become sexually active required a bit of a shift for Marie and Suzanne;
I always talked about sexuality with my childl-en. It was something that we talked about, that I made them aware oJ It was part of the coizversation. However, even as open as I was, I remember my daughter was 17 years old and we went out for Chinesefood and we were sitting around this table in the restaurant and I was just going to have a sip of soup and she told me that she thought she was going to become sexually active and she wanted to talk about it. I remember the soup went down the wrong side of my throat and I had to excuse myselfand go and compose myselj --Marie Women's Sexuality 110
They had fairly strict rules around what was expected from them in terms of theil- relationships with others, curfews and that sort of thing and the expectation that they weren't supposed to be sexually active. I think I abandoned that with reasonably good grace when the time came. --Suzanne
Overall, I had the sense that most of these women worked hard to re-write the script of their own sexuality education. Being able to talk about sex and sexuality was sometimes a significant part of forming bonds with their children or grandchildren that would develop as the children became adults. Although Marie did not discover her own sexuality until her children were grown, she knew that it was important to communicate about sex and sexuality at home, to give them different lessons than she had received.
Ijust wanted to do what was best for them. I'm sure there was an underlying feeling that it was an important part of their lives.... I wanted them to know that there was this very important and positive part of their lives when they were ready. I didn't want to throw out the scare tactics and scare them away from sex. I wanted to pro~noteit as being healthy when the time was right and with the right person. --Marie
Consistent with the emphasis that most women placed on the idea of a strong self- concept as part of sexuality education, there were also comments about the importance of teaching values to children. Both Nancy and Suzanne commented on wanting their grandchildren to explore the possibilities of who they were and to challenge the messages that society gives them about what is appropriate and expected;
A~zytimeI spend time with the [grandlkids I always get permission to talk about sex ifthe kids want to. 1'11 answer any questions they want to know about. Once I wus looking after some youngsters and they were watching wrestling on TI? They just thought that was wonderful and I said, "Look at those gals. They've got their
breasts exposed. " "Yea! " So I said, "Would you like your sister to look like that?'' And they said, "No. Oh, this is different. "Isaid, "Actually it isn't. That's the kind of thing that women have to do maybe for a job or to have a man like theln or something. You want to think very carefully before you start cheering about these guys and their women in short skirts and long boots walking them up Women's Sexuality 111
to the ring. It's rather derogatory as far as women are concerned. That could be your mother, your grandmother, and your sister. " That's sort of along the line of sex--gender education. --Nancy
The whole idea of gender shaping is important to us right now because we have a granddaughter...^^ we're very much aware of making sure that she gets a chance to be a person. It's so much in the forefront at the moment because we're thinking about, okay, how are we going to get her to grow up to believe in herselfand not think she has to do this or she has to be that? My daughter S having to make an effort to let her have pink and mies because that's just not part of her vocabulary but she knows that she's got to have a chance to have that experience too in case that's who she is. --Suzanne
The comments from women about sexuality education for their own children gave me hope. Through our discussions, I heard a strong emphasis on relationships as a forum for communication and care. The idea that sexuality is inextricably linked to self-concept guided what women sought to teach their children about sexuality. The last two comments in particular affirmed a desire for their children to have the permission and the opportunities to explore their true selves without having to conform or please others.
These messages reflected a re-valuing of women and acknowledgment of the worth in exploring feminine aspects; these are powerful counter-culture messages to pass on to
children. And for those who may not yet have had the insight or ability to share such
valuing messages with their children, they are making conscious efforts to give such gifts
to their grandchildren and to others.
Sexualitv and Experience
Most commonly, women learned about sex from being sexually active. Woven
through their sexual experiences are lessons about sexuality, which was the focus of our
discussions. More than revealing the actual experiences they had with sex, women Women's Sexuality 112 reflected on their experiences and shared what meanings they had derived from these experiences. For both lesbian and straight women, much of what they learned arose directly from their relationships with men. The headings for understanding their experiences emerged gradually, creating the following section. I begin by tracing women's experiences with sexual experimentation and with obligatory or exploitative sexual encounters, followed by their understanding of connection and separation in sexual relationships. Finally, I share the stories of choice, freedom, and enjoyment which evolved in their experience of sexuality.
Sexual Experimentation, Expectation and Exploitation
Women's experimentation with sex most often came with marriage. This fact is most likely representative of the times they grew up in when women were taught that pre- marital sex was taboo and marriage followed closely on the heels of high school graduation. Only Loretta described experimenting with sex before marriage. She remembered her early sexual experiences as fun and pleasurable in the context of a caring and mutual relationship that she had with one boy from age 13 to until she was 19 years old. Her early sexual experiences are unique in these ways;
I became sexually active very young. I was only about fourteen and I think my parents would have been quite upset ifthey had known that. And fortunately I didiz 't get pregnant. I certainly could have. When youJirst start out sexually, you don 't really know much.... We experimented together basically. I don 't remember- -I don't think I really had orgasms at that time. I mean, most of the excitement andpleasure was in theforeplay kind of stuffiflthink back on it. We got very comfortable with each other. We had a really equal kind of l.elationslzip aizd it wasn't in any way controlled by either one of us. --Loretta Women's Sexuality 113
All of the women who married did so in their early twenties. Marriage itself was something that they did because it was expected. Being straight and being a wife were assumed statuses. Like many women, Linda and Lou described falling into marriage almost by accident more so than purposefully choosing it;
There were four of us in this apartment and they were all exactly like my sister, into fashion and makeup and boys and it was tough. I was the odd person out all the time.... What got me was, at one point we all hit twenty-one/twenty-two-ish and they all started to get married and have babies and I was sort of the last one that didn't. So I got married. That was the thing to do. I was at the right age and
it was about time and so Igot married. It was just one of those "expected-to-do " things so I did it. --Linda
[After my first marriage ended], I was still battling the indoctrination that you had to be married. And my family and my friends impressed that on me. ...So Igot married the second time in an attempt to conform. I had been on my own for seven and a halfyears at that time and Ijust thought, "Okay, I will try. " --Lou
Although sex was an expected part of married life, women claimed not to know too much about it from the onset. They learned about sex from experiencing it with their husbands, who were mistakenly expected to know more about sexuality and women's bodies than they knew themselves. Nancy and Sandy shared how they explored sex ad learned about men's sexuality through their marriages;
It was just something that, as a marriedpel-son,you did. ...He didn 't really know much about women and their sexuality and he didn't have a lot of sex education either as a child and I think he sort of let me do it because I was a nurse and we're supposed to know. And I said, "Well, we weren 't taught anything about this
either, you know. " He had these chauvinistic sort of ideas but he was creative too. He wasiz 't totally Victorian or anything like that. --Nancy
My husband was pretty much as dumb as I was. I mean, I got married and we never consummated our marriage for, what, seven weeks after we were married. He wasn't going to do that on our honeymoon. He said, "Is that what people think
we've been doing? " I said, "Well, we got married. " So I married somebody who was sort of sexually dysfunctional in a sense. --Sandy Women's Sexuality 114
Sex was part of marriage the same way that housework and in-laws were. Again, it was not something that most women said they thought about much. It was just what needed to be done as part of their "wifely duties." Despite the attempts of the second wave sexologists, it seems that people still did not really know what they were doing in the bedroom. As Marie's and Linda's comments illuminate, there was little mention of the pleasure and connection in early sexual experiences which women use to define
sexuality in later life;
It was like, you peifonn for your husband and then turn on your side and go back to sleep. --Marie
I don't know if1ever felt connected to him in that sense of the word. I did all the wifely stug you know, raise the kids and have the babies and did the holise~~ork and ironed clothes. That's what a wife does. --Linda
Sandy's marriage was an obligatory and expected event that took place when she
was 18 years old. Her husband was not particularly interested in sex so, when they
divorced in Sandy's mid-twenties, she became a sexually active single woman. Like her
marriage, sex was something she did because everyone else was doing it. Her
relationships were unsatisfactory and shallow and there was not a lot of intentionality in
her sexual activity. That she was still hiding from her lesbianism may have supported her
acting unconsciously. Upon reflection, Sandy is not sure whether or not she enjoyed sex;
bz my day, it was really all party. You really didn 't get to know a person. It was sexual. It was Izonzy and sex is basically all it was. And that's why nothing ever lasted. I couldn 't even tell you the names of most of the people that I have been with. It wasn't anything other than you go to a club and you start toparty and yoti spend the weekend with somebody and then it's over and done with. It was pretty awful. Well, it wasn't that awful because it was just what everybody seemed to do then. It was all superJcia1. And I thought it was great love. --Sandy Women's Sexuality 115
These women seemed to consider sex not enjoyable but not horrible either. It was something of an obligation but they did not describe feeling powerless or demeaned.
There was a sense of that being "just the way it was" back then. The only one who shared a story of being exploited sexually was Lou, whose first husband raped her, physically abused her, and slept with other women outside the marriage. In some ways, I was surprised that there were not more stories like hers. Most disturbing to Lou was that her husband regularly told stories of their sex life to his work colleagues, making her feel like public property;
My children's father was veiy sexually exploitive and his attitude was that I was bought and paid for. So even though I learned a tremendous amount about sex fionz Iziin because he certainly liked a wide open sex llife, I also learned the things not to tolerate. And I learned that ifyoufeel you're being exploited then you are, no matter what the intent of the other person is. Hejgured that since I was bought and paid for, which meant married to iziin, that my body belonged to hiin and he could explore it, do anytlziizg he ~vaizted.It was vei-y deineaniizg. He raped me. He used me for sex. And he used to beat me up and then want to have sex and then get really aizgiy because I didn't want it. Aizd he'd say, "You 're not even into this are you?" And I'd say, "No, as a matter of fact, I'nz not. I'm bruised and bleeding. I should want to have sex with you now?" That was a long recovery cuive to get past all that. Aizd yet I still didn 't lose my appetite for sex or think it was wrong. I thought he was wrong. --Lou
Lou learned about sex from being with this man, that is, she learned about technique and pleasure. But she also learned about sexuality, about power and respect and what sex was like when she didn't have these things. Lou's final comment is very significant; she knew that what was wrong was not about sex and not about her. Despite her education that sexuality was about perversity and sin and despite the exploitative and abusive nature of her first marriage, she had a sense that there was more to sexuality than Women's Sexuality 116 what she was being exposed to. Her experiences were not the sum total of her sexuality.
Fortunately, she was strong enough and inquiring enough to continue exploring herself and her sexuality.
Making Choices
Other women's experiences of being restricted or invalidated were more subtle than Lou's example. For instance, Loretta speaks of being in a long-term relationship where she and her partner were in conflict about their sex lives, among other things. She took a great deal of responsibility for trying to make things work, trying to change herself and ignore her needs as a means of repairing the relationship.
Sex was a problem with hirn and I. We had good sex at times but his idea of intimacy and iniize were diffei-eizt in solne ways. And I tried really really hard to change. I tried really really hard early oiz to change to meet his expectations. He treated sex as nzore, I can 't tlziizk of the right words, inore like it was a fun thing but it wasn't a love thing. And he could be critical but ifI said anything it was really quite upsetting to hiin. An example that always sticks in my mind, he said, "Well, you're about as sexy as a fence post, " and I said, "You know, you're not the greatest lover in the whole world either." Well, he used that as a clubfor years. You can't do that to a guy because a woinait can be passive and just lay there, I mean, she doesn 't have to do aizytlziizg but a inan can 't get an erection uizless he feels sexy, unless he S turned on. --Loretta
Despite early positive experiences of having parents who valued her voice and a respectful, egalitarian first relationship, Loretta internalized the message that it is her job to make the relationship right, her job to accommodate to the needs of her man, her job to soothe his more fragile sexual ego. That he wanted a "fun thing" and she wanted a "love thing" was viewed as evidence that she was not sexy enough, rather than interpreted as a need for further negotiation and comnlunication or for a different relationship altogether. Women's Sexuality 117
Loretta eventually chose to leave that relationship, go to university full-time and start taking care of herself before taking care of others. Many of the women eventually left their relationships to explore other options. These were difficult choices, often carrying a sense of having failed. As Jane and Suzanne articulated, they sometimes needed to create an external reason to leave, not believing that their own unhappiness was reason enough;
I was really feeling like I didn't want to be in nzy marriagefor a long tinze. For fifteen years I was really unhappy. And so what I did is suddenly get a crush on sonzeone. --Jane
Iguess one of the things is the affair that I had when I left my nzarriage. It was really a low point in my life in terms of how I saw inyselJ:I believed that what I was doing was wrong but, in a way, it seemed to be serving a useful purpose in that I wanted to leave [my marriage] and I needed a reasolz. Tlzat's certainly a reason that's pretty much universally acceptable .... I think underlying I knew all along that it wasn't sonzething I was wanting to keep, that it was really just a way of getting out. --Suzanne
Jane and Suzanne described having lost themselves in their marriages, being subsumed by the roles of wife and mother. Developing an interest in someone else or, in
Suzanne's case, having an affair with another man, gave them the hope that there could be another way of being, another kind of relationship where they felt lovable and desirable.
Nancy expressed the importance of choice and equality in her long-term and happy marriage. She felt that she had options when other women might not have. Part of this was the fact that she continued to work as a nurse after her children were born and, therefore, she was not financially dependent on her husband. However, the egalitarian character of Nancy's marriage extended much further than finances; Women's Sexuality 1 18
There were ups and down, troubles, times of arguments andfights and heated discussions. I always felt I had an option. I never told my husband he couldn't leave me. Anytime he said we weren't working out I said, "Do something about it then. It S in your court. " And I also felt that I had the same option. But I was also very fortuizate in that I had full-time work all my life and a decent salary. --Nancy
Nancy was married for 43 years because she chose to be. She presents a balanced view of marriage from experiences of struggling and feeling disconnected to the fun and intimate times they had together. She nursed her husband through illness to the end of his life. Although she was a caregiver, she didn't seem to lose a sense of self and self-value.
That she had choices and a voice of her own carried over to her sexual relationship with her husband; part of feeling sexual was having permission to express her needs and desires. The shared understanding and opportunities for negotiation that were missing from Loretta's relationship were present for Nancy and her husband;
I always felt I could say no... and I didn '1 have to have a headache either. And it might create an argument. I didn 't really ~.tmztto say no much. It wasn 't anything tlzat I objected to, having intercourse .... I mean, some sex is negative. Even iiz a relationship, soinetiilzes you think, "Oh God. Wzy did I bother?" or "Didn't like tlzat, " or "What a nzess. " "Is that it? Are we doize? " You know, that sort of stus... Tlze best thing that happened to my sex life was having my own bed when I could have enough rest. And then eventually we had our own bedrooms and then eventually we each had two bedrooms. We could hardly wait for the kids to move out of the baseilzent so that he could nzove down there. So he got aiz office and his own bedroom and he could leave his TV 012 day and night. For nze it was a big iinprovei~zeizton my sex life. I felt like I could have a little control over it. I really needed the separation. --Nancy
Nancy had a sense of voice and agency which allowed her to ride the ups and downs of married life. Partly from her work status but mostly from her sense of personal power, she was able to experiment with sex and explore sexuality within her committed relationship, maintaining a sense of connection to herself and her partner. Women like Women's Sexuality 119
Marie and Brenda found men who they could have this kind of relationship with as older women. Sandy and Linda discovered this egalitarianism and intimacy in romantic partnerships with women. And some women chose to be single in their later years, explaining their feeling that they had given much more to relationships with men than they had gotten in return. Nancy, single after her husband's death, also noticed the shift in responsibility she felt;
A coinntitnzent means that you do the dirty work, so to speak, about sharing. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way but it means that we make sure that the candles are lit for dinner and the menu is right and maybe we just don't want to do that anymore. ...I'm getting better at dumping [those caring roles] now that I'm on nzy own. --Nancy
Some women told of enjoying the dating but not wanting more of a commitment.
In Sandy's case, she was trying to be straight by dating men but she was not really interested in them. Contrary to what we are led to believe with the Mars and Venus phenomenon, Lou and Sandy did not want relationships and they felt a bit guilty and odd for taking that position;
I have to be very honest and say that I'in not sure I ever wanted anything else [besides a sexual relationship]from a nzan because I do like to live alone. It doesn't mean that I don 't Iike interaction in society or relationships with men. But I've quit relationships. There's way too inany diseases out there. And men in my age group are way too far behind where I lzave gotten. I would only get into a relationship again ifIfelt I had sonze kind of a leading edge on the fact that he wouldn't be archaic in his attitudes towards sex and relationships. I don 't have nudity, bodj?,sexuality issues. I have era-indoctrination issues. --Lou
Another thing with the guys that always annoyed me was that they always got so serious so fast. Everyone said, "Well, it S because you're playing hard to get. " I said, "I'm not playing hard to get! I don't want to be got!" Ijust didn't want these guys. But you 'd sort ofplay along because every woman needs a guy in her life for sonzetlzing, Iike ifyou need to go to a dance or sonzething. --Sandy Women's Sexuality 120
Nancy had a sense of agency in her relationship prior to her husband's death but
she found the space to explore and appreciate a new kind of freedom as a single woman.
She and other women seemed to gain a sense of strength and independence from
singlehood that they could not find in relationships. Being older and single was not the portrait of a lonely existence painted by cultural expectations. It was a time for women to put their energy where they chose, to explore different kinds of relationships, to learn
about their own needs and desires. For Loretta and Lou, this time included exploring women's sexuality in new ways;
A good sexual relationship really is a releasing of tension and a kind of intilnacy that you don't get from anything else and so iflcould have that kind of a relationship, I would be very happy. But I don't know that I'd settle for much less aizyinore. I would have to look lorzg and hard at another long-term relatioizslzip because it's restrictive. Like, there's a lot of stuffthat I want to do with the rest of iny life tlzat I hope to accomnplislz. And I'in not sure tlzat I have enough left over to give to a relationship. I think it would have to be sonzeone with really the same values and it couldn't be sorneone that needed a lot from me. --Loretta
In a relationship in the future--I mean, I'in not looking for one and I'nt at an age where the probability of it happening is pretty slim--but there would have to be tlzat recognition that sex is a perfectly nonnal enjoyable part of life. And ifthey wererz 't prepared to deliver on that, then I wouldn 't have anything I could offer lzinz. --Lou
Suzanne spoke of the relationships she'd had with men following her divorce and
the realization that the expectations and stereotypes she'd been given as a child in a
traditional farming family were not always accurate;
My sex life since I've been divorced has been very interesting. I've been able to erase a lot ofpreconceptions that I had, one of wlziclz was that men don't comnzunicate.... So what I want now is somebody tlzat I can talk to. --Suzanne Women's Sexuality 121
Loretta, Lou and Suzanne broke free of the early expectations that they should be married, that they should want to be with a man. They mentioned how they had made decisions in relationships based on an underlying belief that they were most valuable when deemed desirable by men, when in a relationship with a man, and that the success of their relationships reflected on their success as people. It was new and exciting to them that they could have expectations of a relationship and, barring those expectations being met, find happiness without a partner.
Sex and the Single Woman
The choice to be single had implications for women's self-discovery and it certainly had implications for their sexuality. As Lou expresses, being out of a relationship was not equivalent to being sexually celibate, despite the message of her generation that sex equals marriage;
I tealways been a bit of a rebel. I have never believed that sex should be restricted strictly to marriage. Ifyou're not nzarried, you have needs as well... I led a veiy active sexual life even thought I was not nzarried. I mean, I nzaintained that I had gotten divorced; I had not entered the convent. I did not parade men through my hoine. I did not believe that my bedroom should have a swinging door on it ... Iguess I separate sexfiom recreation But I did have a really busy and active sexual life. I had long relationships--which usually ended when they wanted to lnove in.. --Lou
Loretta notes how a short-term relationship can provide a sense of intimacy along with the independence and freedom of singlehood. Her definition of intimacy is a shared understanding and a sense that one is accepted as they are, without the additional
expectations that she found restrictive in her relationships. This kind of intimacy is not necessarily found only through long-term comnlitment; Women's Sexuality 122
I think thefriendship and the connection has to be there. Still, you caiz go and have a short-ternz, 'you know it's going nowhere' kind of relationship too. It's that kind of relationship where there's no responsibility, nothing S being asked nzore than just the pleasure of being together. And sometinzes you can connect with someone, you feel a really strong attraction and connection and you share some good conversation. And you know you're never going to see that person again, nzaybe evec But I think there is a kind of intimacy that happens even though it's short-term. It's a kind of understanding. --Loretta
The one-night stand issue came up several times in our discussions of single sex.
Loretta and Lou note that "casual sex" is something that they have enjoyed at certain times in their life but they also connect it to self-esteem. Sometimes just being with someone feels like an affirmation that they are sexual and desirable, although these older women seem to have concluded that this is just not enough for them. Just as the women described single life as giving them the fieedom and choices to care for themselves, they noted how casual sex escaped the expectations and responsibilities of a relationship;
One-night stands can be great and Ite had a few of those. In fact, there was a short period wlzere that really would have been my choice because it was after nzy divorce and stuff and I think it was seeking a conJirmation of myself as a person because I didn't feel vely attractive and, you know, all of those negative things. -- Loretta
I'm not really into totally casual sex. I mean, I certainly did it when I was younger because sonzetiines a one-night stand can be better than nothing. But tlzer-e weren 't the diseases around at that point in time like there are now. I certainly don't negate the one-night stand for many people. It can sene it's purpose. But it can also be dangerous and I think a lot of the women I know who got into that, they were dealing with real self-esteem issues. --Lou
Loretta's solution to the problem of finding emotional safety and connection outside of a committed relationship was found in her long-term male friend and sometimes lover. She describes him as being a reciprocal friend, noting that they confide in one another and respect one another. That they can be both platonic friends and sexual Women's Sexuality 123 partners is conhsing to some people. It may have something to do with some of the aspects of sexuality that Loretta has already identified above; they have a shared understanding, a sense of responsibility and care toward one another, and no expectation that they be anyone or give anything that they are not completely comfortable with;
I have one fiend that I've inaiiztained contact with offand on over tlze years and I call hiin iny most reciprocal friend. And we just kind 05 ifneither one of us had anybody in our lives, then our relatioizship would be sexual and more intimate and ifwe did have somebody else, then we wouldjust be friends. That doesiz 't happen veiy often. Quite often ifyou cross that line, then it's not the same. The attraction seeins to be there but we can always take it or leave it. ...Maybe it works because we've never asked anything of each other. I have a hard time explaining it and if1do try and explain it to other people, a lot ofpeople, especially at iny age, don't believe you can have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. --Loretta
Despite our frank discussions about being single and sexual, only two of the women alluded to the role of masturbation in their sexual expression. I didn't feel con~fortableasking directly about masturbation with any of the women, although I tried to open the door in more subtle ways for them to talk about it. Masturbation may be the grand-daddy of all taboos around women's sexuality. Still, Lou and Marie noted that sometimes self-pleasuring is the best kind of sex and a satisfLing alternative to being with a partner;
There are lots of woinen that don 't have the opportuizity to have a relationship who don't realize that to be able to self-satis& is, in solne ways, just as satisfiing or iiz soine ways even more satishing. But I think there's lots of women, especially women nzy age, who have never never masturbated. --Marie
I think I'i~zaddicted to the life on tlze edge sort of relationship, which I've quit now. I tejust said, Okay, fine, I'll just do friendship froin now on and look after nzyselfsexually. --Lou Women's Sexuality 124
Lou summed up so much of what women are saying about being single and sexual with the following comments. She noted how women still feel sexy but are not necessarily willing to go to the work of relationships with men as a means of expressing their sexual desire;
I don't think I know one single wonzan who has dismissed herself as non-sexual. I know a lot of tlzenz who are no longer interested in relationships. You know, there aren 't a whole lot of good lovers out there. Theyjust don't know how to give tlzei?zselves to the whole process. And I guess with wonzen that I've been close to and talked to, it's been a case oJ "Why should Igive so much to get so little?'' I would say I don't know any wonzen in my age group, or in the nziddle 40s up to the 60s' who haven't at one point or another admitted that they own a vibrator. -- Lou
That Lou was able to make this comment on behalf of her women friends implied that they talk about sex with one another, that they can "adnzit" to being sexual in their discussions, and this sounds like a discourse of desire is emerging in certain circles. The importance of these comments about sexuality for single women is that they presented a vision of women's lives and won~en'ssexuality that does not revolve around men. Not only are some women celebrating being single but they are also more open to different kinds of relationships, including those with women.
Looking for Love
Although none of the women that I spoke with told me that they considered being single to be a death sentence for their sexuality, they also felt some trepidation around the idea of finding another sexual relationship. While part of choosing to be single came from a sense of empowerment and freedom, there was also a sadness in realizing that nurturing and egalitarian relationships are difficult to come by; Women's Sexuality 125
I've only been in a same sex relationship once aizd it's really scary to tlzink about getting into another relationship with a woman. I know lots of women that have really nice stable relationships and have been togetherfor sonze time but it's not the nonlz. So that scares me.... And it's frighteningjust having sex with somebody again. I have experience with one woman. It's kind of weird to think, "Oh my god, I wonder ifIknow what to do. " And I think you still have thosefears when you have a new partner and you haven't had sex with thenz and you know you're going to eventually do it. --Jane
In some cases, women's painful experiences in relationships made them question whether they were capable or worthy of the healthy relationships they sought;
I worry quite a bit that I would not recognize honesty and trust in relationships. But that's one thing I need to have. And I need to have sonzebody that I really am attracted to and really love. I don 't want to settle for anything less than being in love with someone. It's really nice to be in love. It S really nice to have that excitement and attraction. That's what I'd like next time. --Jane
Suzanne was encouraged by others to adopt a cat as a means of introducing unconditional love back into her life. She adopted the cat against her own judgment, believing that others must know better than she knew herself. She spoke of her relationship with the cat not working out and her guilt that she could not give it the love it deserved;
Anyway, that's got nothing to do with this interview. Well, of course it does because then it brings up, anz I capable of having a relatioizship with anything. It goes back to the fact that these relatioizships didn't work and whether or not it was nzy choice to end them it doesiz 't change the fact that they didn't work. -- Suzanne
Suzanne and Nancy commented on how the very independence they had fostered was part of keeping them out of relationships with men. Lou commented earlier that she had "era-indoctrination issues" because the men of her generation were raised with ideas Women's Sexuality 126 that she no longer found palatable. Suzanne and Nancy express similar ideas about the limited possibilities for relationships with men in their age groups;
I have a veiy strong sense of myself and my children as a unit. Iguess that's an identity thing in that Isee myselfJirst as a member of that family, not just a mother because we 're all friends, but very much as a ineinber of that unit. And I can see how that would be pretty threatening and kind of impenetrable. --Suzanne
My late husband and I had single men friends but I don't thitzk they would sort of say, "Gee, let's get a hold of Nancy. " I really don't see thein doing that just because they know ine and they also know that I'm for equality and I'm a feminist. I think I might be a threat to them. --Nancy
The experience of these women was that men of their generation were intimidated by a woman who was strong and independent, who didn't "need" a man, who--god forbid--was "jior equality" in men's and women's relationships. These women found it difficult to conceive of being who they are being in a reciprocal sexual relationship.
Instead, Suzanne noted the nourishment that she gets from her studies and her family.
Nancy talked about the bird-watching tours that took her around the world and the friends of all ages that she made through her hobby. As Jane said;
When I think about close and caring relationships, I think about women. I have really good friends aizd I've often gotten a lot inore froin my friendships with other women than I have from this relationship. Aizd sometimes I think, well, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the worldjust to havefriendships and not have any relationships. --Jane
Being single by choice was not about a rejection of relationships, but more a fear or frustration based on what they had to sacrifice to be in a romantic partnership. For some women, the personal risks of vulnerability and selfless giving were just not worth it. They found sustenance for both their selves and their sexuality in other kinds of ways. Women's Sexuality 127
Healing in Relationships
Whether single or partnered, women gained much of their positive perspectives on sexuality through the nurturance of friends. Their friendships brought them what they did not find in other ways and gave them opportunities to hear different messages.
Healing relationships were not always related directly to sexuality but they always came up in the context of our discussions. My understanding is that these relationships gave women the chance to explore and experiment with themselves and sexuality was part of that. Brenda had never felt lovable and attractive. She was able to learn otherwise from loving actions as simple as friends driving from another town to celebrate her birthday;
I said, "Well, you really don 't want to come all that way just to see me. " They said, "Oh yes we do." Little tlziizgs like that mean just so much to me because they make me feel as though I'm really loved. --Brenda
Brenda and Suzanne came to the research as friends and asked to conduct their follow-up interview together. Both spoke of being able to talk to the other about anything and I could see the way they cared for and celebrated one another. For Sandy, it was a crucial part of her development to find a group of women where she received acceptance and appreciation. She had similar issues around not feeling lovable, intensified by her belief that people would hate her for being gay. This assumption that she would be judged and rejected was firmly based in past experience when she had first come out in her twenties. As she started to explore her sexuality in her fifties: Sandy found a community that gave a more valuing message;
[What was special about that group] was thefact that I could admit who I was and they didn't hate me. I could say it, other than to a therapist who was paid. ... It was the fact that we were in a group where a lot ofpeople had some crazy, Women's Sexuality 128
horrzpc stories, probably worse than mine, but we were all different age groups, we all had different stories, but we were all there because we are who we are and we are nice people. You know, nobody has to hate us. --Sandy
Lou told of a male friend who helped affirm that she was still beautiful and sexy even though she was older and had lost a breast to cancer. Lou expressed acknowledgment of the fact that most men did not still see her as sexual, even though she still felt sexual. It was significant that the message valuing her attractiveness as a woman came from a man;
I have one male friend who is my age and who would like more of a relationship with nze. Actually, he was very good for my ego when I had cancer and all. He's been very good for me in coming through my 50s because it's always been based in the fact that, "Just because you're getting older doesn 't mean that you're not
still a beautiful woman. " You know, he constantly says, "I think you're veiy beautiful. You're veiy attractive." And I've been lzicky to have that because not all women hear that message. --Lou
Lou's relationship with this man was platonic but other women found their validation from men in romantic relationships. Brenda endured a long-term relationship that, in hindsight, she considered emotionally abusive; she came in to do all the cleaning and cooking but had all of her desires for affection and nourishment pushed away.
Meeting her present common-law husband gave her a chance to revisit those messages and learn a different way of being in a loving and sexual relationship. Brenda was able to rediscover her affectionate and giving self without fear;
Having livedprobably$ve out of ten years of that relationship having my affection--you know, cuddling and kissing--rejected, then it was harder for me to start again with Doug and show hiin that I liked to be cuddled and held .... Thefew relationships that I had prior to hiin didn't really work out that well. So I basically put it down to the fact of my disability. When Dave and I$rst started dating, I couldn't believe it because I thought, "Well, ifhe's so good looking, why does he want to be involved with somebody like me?" ... Ijust couldn't believe Women's Sexuality 129
that he loved mefor who I was inside and not for what I looked like. I was thinking, "Well this is too good to be true. These things don 't happen to me, you know." But now I terealized, finally, it has happened. --Brenda
Sandy expressed the same kind of disbelief and gratitude that she could feel as loved and happy as she felt with Leah. Her fear that people would reject her if they really knew her played out in her partnership with Leah and Sandy learned that she could be herself, that she could be annoying or angry and still be loved, that it was possible to fully share herself with someone. Despite being very sexually active in her younger years, loving and being loved by Leah helped her sexuality to blossom like no other experience had;
I've always wished for, once in my life, I wanted to be with somebody who wanted to be with ine aizd I have never ever been in a relatioizslzip tlzat is conqletely, I mean loo%, sharing the way that Leah and I have it. And I thank God that I have it before I'm too old to appreciate it .... I've always been afraid that, if1had an argument with one of iny friends or something, they would get mad at me, leave me. This is something that Leah has had to teach me is that we can discuss things aizd, ifshe gets angry, she's not going to say, "Get out of my life and never come back. " It's amazing to me that soinebody can love me. I don't understand how anybody can love me. So I guess that's all part and parcel but it's an absolutely incredible feeling. --Sandy
Just as some women healed through choosing to be out of relationships with men,
others had found strength and self-love through their romantic relationships. Jane sums
up the healing power of a relationship beautifully. Although she specifies a sexual
relationship, she notes that the power is in how we see ourselves through the eyes of
someone who loves and appreciates us;
A good sexual relationship makes you feel differently about yourseg You see yourselfin a totally different light of being this valuedperson that was really lovable and could love someone. --Jane Women's Sexuality 130
As Lou expresses, a relationship where we are able to meet body, mind and spirit can allow us to explore our sexuality in a very complete and meaningful way;
It's such a rewarding experience to hase a relationship where you are intellectually and interest-wise compatible and it can translate its way into sex because, you know, you can explore the universes sexually ifyou're in that kind of a relationship. --Lou
As I reflect on this section about sexuality and experience, I see that women spoke almost exclusively about the role of various relationships in teaching them about sex and sexuality, whether or not they were in a sexual relationship at the time we spoke.
Through relationships, they received messages about whether they were doormats, caregivers, inadequate, beautiful, possessions, treasures, wise women, sexually frigid, or sexually wild. Clearly, this impacted how they saw themselves as sexual. I find these women's words especially powerful because they are reflecting on their experiences of relationship across three, four and even five decades. The kinds of relationships changed across time from their accidental marriages to their validating friends to their later-life love affairs. These women learned to value themselves and to expect valuing responses from others.
Sexuality and Self-concept
A substantial aspect of what I sought to understand in doing this research was how women saw themselves as sexual, how it related to their identity and their sense of themselves as women, partners, friends, mothers. Some women described their sexual self in relation to desire and appetite; sexuality was a key aspect of how they saw themselves and how they experienced the world. Others talked about feeling sexual when Women's Sexuality 13 1 they felt confident and attractive. A couple of women explained that they had never really felt sexual and weren't sure sexuality was a big part of who they were. Where sexuality fit or did not fit into women's lives was as different as the women I spoke with.
I present the women's voices on how they relate to the concepts of sexuality and sexual desire in their understanding of self. Our discussions of sexual self-concept almost always led us to the issue of physical attractiveness and self-esteem. Therefore, I share women's comments on the interplay of sexuality with self-esteem, body image and growing older.
Ex~ressionsof Desire
Women expressed different perspectives on sexual desire and where it fit into their lives as older women. For Marie, sexuality became a very important part of her life in her forties. Now in her second marriage, she commented on how sexuality is a significant part of the expressions of fun and caring with her partner. She wished that more women were experiencing the kind of desire and fulfillment she feels in this aspect of herself;
It's only been in the last seven or eight years since I turned 40 that sex has becolne a very important part of l?zy life. I have a friend who has been married to the same person for close to 25 years and I remember talking to her one day and it came out in the conversation that she hadn 't slept with her husband for a number ofyears. And my immediate thought was how I felt so sorry for her that she had not experienced and is not experiencing that physical closeness and that sexual and sensual experience that IJnz experiencing. I thought what a loss that is for her and she probably has no idea that she's inissing soinethiizg - a very big part of lzer life. --Marie
Nancy hoped for "wild and woolly sex." Having had a satisfying sex life in her marriage, she acknowledged missing that aspect of her self-expression. She recognized Women's Sexuality 132 that the probability of her finding a partner to fulfill her desires was slim because of the physical changes of aging and the way women outnumber men in later years. Her description contained both a sadness and a sense of coming to terms with the way that sex has changed for her as an older woman and as a widow. She told me how she was hoping to find a "cuddler;"
When I was younger there was always a sort of sexual tension in my life of looking, "Now that guy might and that guy might not." I can vividly remember that because Ifind that I'nz doing some of that now that I'm older and single again. I think, "Oh well, if1do that, maybe I'll see some nice old gentleman that's a lot offun." I don't want apermaizent relationship, I know that, but I'd like a fun one. A kind of sharing thing. ...It's quite a while since I've had any kind of sex. I tehad the cuddly loving kind of sex but I mean the kind of real wild and
woolly sex. I think, "Gee, I'd love to do some of that again. " Ijust don't see it as a great reality because I know how older men are slower in their responses. And their ratio is two women to every one man. ... Mostly nzeiz die first. That's a fact. So ifyou 're lookingfor a heterosexual relationship, you are left at a disadvantage. And the other thing I know, bottom line, nobody ever died because they didn 't have intercourse in their lives. It's not life threatening. --Nancy
In most cases, women expressed an interest in sex but a willingness to do without it. Sex was seen as less important than affection and intimacy. For instance, Linda noted that sex plays a big role in the early attraction between two people but once the comfort of a relationship sets in, sex itself is less important. The comfort and intimacy she described in her own relationship is consistent with the understanding of sexuality she articulated earlier, reinforcing the idea that sex and sexuality are different experiences.
While sex is about behaviour and arousal, sexuality is about feeling and intimacy. Linda describes this distinction;
I think, when you meet a person who affects you in that way, your first impulse is to express that sexually ...because you don 't know how else to express it except to go through the act of having sex and gymnastics in the bedroom. Like, "I want to Women's Sexuality 133
be with you. I want to be touching you. " But I think once the initial charge settles down, then you are really really confortable with each other. ... So at this point in my life the physical act of having sex isn't that big a deal. It's pleasurable. It's fun. It's something that we do now and then but we also go to the movies now and then' you know. [laughs] Okay, I can't equate it with going to the movies but I'm saying that it's not the be all and end all of our lives. --Linda
Nancy and Linda also expressed an enjoyment of sex but an acknowledgment that it really was not terribly significant to their lives or relationships. Lou, however, felt that sex was a crucial part of a committed relationship. She was not willing to do without this expression of fin and intimacy. After her experience with her sexually exploitative first husband, Lou was ready for something more in her sexual relationships;
I really loved sex. I used to say, "You have your Valium. I'd rather have sex. " ...I knew that I had an incredibly wonderful appetitefor sex. I knew that I was not ashamed of my own body. But I alsojgured that there was something tvro~zgwith nze because I didn't ever have a conscious memory of wanting to be married. And ifyou didn't want to be married at that time, it nzeant that you really must be a closet lesbian. So I got married the second time in an attempt to conform. ...It tzlrr~edozrt he ~jastotally ase.~zlal.He didn't want sex at all. He said that he would rather just kiss and cuddle. He just didn 't really like to do it. And Ijust felt like everything just washed down through me. And I thought, here I am fully recognizing and owning the fact that I am a totally sexual being and that I get a lot of relief out of sex--like it could help me get up and face the world the next day to have had that shedding, that venting of emotion--and here I am married to this man who doesn't want to have sex. --Lou
Lou expressed a great deal of comfort with her sexuality and relished the intensity
of her sexual desire. Not being able to find expression of that sexuality in her second marriage was frustrating and disappointing. To stay in that marriage would have required
a denial of an important aspect of her self-expression. Eventually, they divorced.
Like Lou, Loretta told of her difficulty finding the type of relationship which was
both intensely loving and passionately sexual. More than the sex, Loretta missed the love, Women's Sexuality 134 and maybe felt a bit regretful or sad as she reflected on how she never really found this.
The implication was that, if she was deeply connected with a man, the sex would just be there, a by-product rather than a focus of their loving expression;
I neverfelt an overwhelming need for sex anyway but I've always longed for that really strong deep relationship where sex is just there. And I haven't really found that. Sex has been good or enjoyable or I lookforward to it. I've had that. And I certainly have felt tlze passion of thinking about sex or when somebody calls and you talk to him ... and that sort of spark of intimacy goes between you. I have certainly experienced that quite a lot but that all consuming, where the physical passion is the most important thing, it never has been to nze. There's always other things that have been equally important. --Loretta
These women enjoyed sexuality in different ways, from the desire for "just sex" to the value placed on connection and intimacy. They did not say that they are no longer sexual, just that the expression of their sexuality may be getting more complicated. One of the complicating factors they noted was the impact of cultural messages on the expression of sexuality for older women.
Sexv Older Women
Some of the women that I spoke with commented directly on the lack of images in the media of older women as sexy, exciting, capable and contributing people. Nancy canceled her subscription to a senior's magazine because all the women represented in the photos were blonde, white and wealthy-looking. The note she sent to the magazine told them that she "couldn 't take one more nzontlz of this;"
Older wonzen aren't considered sexual in tlze media, in the magazines, by people that are younger. There's never been any kind of a promotion like perfume for older wonzen, you know. Nothing like that is ever done. And the other thing is, they never show men of that age with wonzen of tlzat age. Very often the woman looksfifteen years youizger. Even if it 'sfor seniors' accommodations, there's the grey-haired gentleman and the still blonde aizd trim woman. --Nancy Women's Sexuality 135
Marie also noticed the lack of 'real' older women in the media. She avoided movies which presented the sexy older man with the much younger woman because it annoyed her that Hollywood doesn't choose older women actors for these lead roles;
There's that movie with Harrison Ford and Anne Heche and I thought, he's easily iiz his 50s and she's considerably younger and that just seems to be the izonn. If there's kind of a love relationship, it's an older inaiz and a younger woman and if it's an older wonzaiz and a younger man, that's veiy veiy rare, almost an oddity.... You certainly don't see very inany older woinen in a sexual or sensual role in the i?zoviesor on TV anymore at all. Anyi?zore! Ever probably. --Marie
Women said that the lack of images of older women as sexual affected women's hopehlness for relationships and their concept of themselves as sexually attractive. But, as Lou explains, it did not affect their individual sense of being sexual and sexually desirous;
As nzuclz as I have a good healthy opinion of my own sexuality, I recognize that there are tremendous numbers of men out there who would never look at me as a sexual being now. And that's part of the agingprocess and our society's attitude about aging. Like, it's so fixated on being young in order to be beautiful. And yet, to me, some of the i?zostpoignant pictures I've seen are of old couples who appear to have been togetherforever and they're holding hands and looking at each other with the "I love this person" sort of look. And they 'reprobably still sexually active ifthey want to be. I have one friend who worked in a labfor a while and had a urine sample come in one day from an 84-year-old woman and the lab techs caine out and said, "There's live sperm in her urine sample." And my friend, who's older than I am, said, "Good for her. "Ithought, good for her that she's got a partner that desires her. I hope that's what it was for her .... As I?ZUC~as I recognize that a lot of men out there, younger or in my age group, don't look at me as being sexually attractive now, it doesn't affect how I feel about who I ant and whether I am sexual. --Lou
Lou still felt sexual even though the cultural messages tell her that she no longer fits the image of what is sexy and attractive anymore. Nancy's example of being told she Women's Sexuality 136 was no longer sexual was a little more direct and a little closer to home. Her son let her know that older people didn't have sex anymore and she certainly set him straight;
I suppose what comes up is thefact that I'm an older woman - nearly 70 - and that the desire and the feeling of being a sexual being and the thoughts of hopefully having intercourse again before I die are still there. At the same tirne, there is kind of a little bit of despair about it because, generally, the things I get j-onz people are "Oh,you don't do that when you get older." Ifind that just about everybody says that, including my children said that to me even when I was 20 years younger. One of them didn't think I would be a sexual being--his words. So I did correct him on that. I said, "Good heavens! You don 't give up on sex just
because you happen to be 45 or 50. You do NOTgive up on it. " Hfell, his face was kind of--it was kind of funny. So then I really laid it on him about sex is very important as you get older, even more important. And while the actual sexual acts and things change somewhat because ofyour body aging, that it's still a very important thing and he needn't think that he'd have to give it zip. --Nancy
Just as I admired so much about Nancy, I admired the way that she gave voice to her feelings about sexuality, challenging the cultural myths that her son had fallen prey to. I wrote in my field notes how wonderfbl it was to hear her say that she still wanted to have intercourse and she still felt sexual. It is important that people hear her voice.
Without contradictory messages, it is easy to assume that the silence of older people on sexuality indicates that sexuality is not important to them. Maybe it isn't important to them. But maybe, as Nancy told me, it actually is important and they are just waiting for someone to ask about it. Linda works with seniors and she commented on wishing some of them would talk with me about what sexuality means for them;
It's interesting working with the seniors population as I do, that women outlive men probably three to one and so the older you get, the more chances are that you 're a female alone. And sexuality, I think, for a lot of these women, simply doesn't exist. It would be interesting ifyou could get seniors to talk about it but I don't think you can. --Linda Women's Sexuality 137
Being able to talk about it is part of creating more positive messages. Marie was especially hopeful that women of her generation could make changes in the cultural perceptions of women's sexuality and in the personal self-concept that women have about sex and sexuality. She expressed a very positive expectation that menopause would be another sexually liberating experience;
In this age, especially with the baby boomers fast approaching 50,I think this is an opportunityfor women of this age to regain their sensuality and sexuality because 1ny understanding is that when you go through lnenopause there is this peeing of inhibitions. And I'm hoping that wonzen can experience that. My experience has been that sexuality is a very very inzportant part of my life, especially in tlze past few years. And I would hope that all women would have that same wonderjiul experience and not be denied it their whole lifetime. --Marie
Nancy expected to feel sexier as she grew older and even told her husband that, at some point, her desire would be greater than his. She knew this because her mother had told her so. Remarkably, Nancy's mom spoke to her not only about sex but about sexuality. Thanks to her mother's willingness to communicate openly about sexual desire and pleasure, Nancy had different expectations than most women her age for what sexuality and aging would entail;
I tried to tell [172y husband], I said, "I'm going to stop being in tlze child-bearing years about tlze time that you inight not be able to be as effective so don't get upset these days. We'lljust share it and share it as we grow older." As Igrow oldel; I did know, nzy nzom had told me, that you get really sexier after you stop having your periods and tlzere 's no risk ofpregnancy. So I said, "One day I'm going to want to have sex a lot more often than you are, but I won't get mad at you." Well, he didn't really believe that but it turned out to be quite true. --Nancy
Many women shared their perspectives on how sexuality changes as we age, telling me that it gets better. Suzanne told me that the forties were "the time to get wild" Women's Sexuality 138 and Marie's friends advised her that after menopause, "the whole world opens up." Tliese are far more positive messages than I had heard before;
The expression "life begins at 40" is really when it does begin. And 50,for me, tlte decade of mnyJfties was probably the best part of mj) life. The most broadening, interesting,fun, tlte whole deal. --Nancy
I tlzink ifyou had a positive experience of sexuality all through life, that will continue and probably only get better, especially as your children leave and you've got nzore time to be together and experience different experiences. I think as we get older that will only get better. But ifyou haven't had that, you know no different and you can go a whole lifetime without knowing. --Marie
Menopause is a transition in women's lives that has traditionally been linked to sexuality because it signals the end of women's reproductive years. In a fertility-focused, deficiency view of menopause, women are no longer as useful and valuable as they once were. The women I spoke with were reclaiming menopause as a time of freedom and wisdom and they hoped to pass that along to other women;
I think we have to recognize nrenopause as a celebration as opposed to solnething to be dreaded ... . I think we've looked at menopause in tlze past as being sort of tlze start of the end and I think that's really sad because we have probably thirty more years of life and, ifwe look at it in the negative, it's going to be a very vely traumatic time to live through. So I tlzink we have to open up all these doors including the sexuality and sensuality and !?takeit a positive experiencefor us right through to the end. I think because there's a big population approaching these years, I think we 're the generation who are going to make the difference. Hopefully there are enough of us who are positive that we can relay that to other woinen. --Marie
Nancy believed that growing older had allowed her to grow more fully into wise, mentoring part of herself she had always felt existed;
I really like tlze idea of being a crone in the crone-ship system ofpost-menopausal wonjen. I feel that Iprobably have been that since I was a kid but Ifeel like definitely now I am. It seerns like solnethilzg we should lookforward to being as ~nenopausaland post-nzenopausal wo~nerz.I consider it kind of a mentor 01- a Women's Sexuality 139
wisdom that you learn through the years as you grow from childhood into womanhood and then into your older age. And I think that's part of our duty as women for other women, for girls and younger wonzen. --Nancy
Before I paint too rosy a picture of menopause, I should add that Loretta's experience of menopause was one of emotional ups and downs. As she spoke, it was clear that this point in her life was as rife with other stressors and she reflected on how the same had been true for her mother. Loretta and her partner had experienced a lot of conflict. Then he had a heart attack and ended up in intensive care. At the same time, she was laid off from her job so she stayed home to nurse her partner at home full-time and she began taking university courses part-time. As she says, "No wonder I was feeling a lot of stress and had less control of nzy enzotions." Her realization was part of recognizing the context of her life, which she was then able to take steps to change by leaving her relationship and going back to school. Menopause then became a chance to take control of her life rather than to feel like she was a victim of her own hormones. As with much of what women told me about sexuality as they grew older, it was crucial to challenge the socio-cultural messages and revise their self-concept to reflect more positive perspectives.
Not Feeling Sexual
All of the women described times when they had not felt sexual--when they were in pain, just after they'd had a baby, when they felt stressed or sad, when they felt negatively about their bodies or themselves. Linda and Brenda explained that they did not feel sexuality was a big part of who they were at all; Women's Sexuality 140
I wasn't sexually active as a teenager at all. Tlzefirst inan I was ever with was iny husband. And again, that wasn't a conscious "I'm going to be a virgin until I get married" sort of choice. [Sexuality] just wasn 't part of who I was. I talked to nzy sister and. ..she talks about being asexual and I think that's basically how I would have described nzyselj It wasn't an issue. I didn't think about it. It didn't nzatter. I nzean, it just wasn't there. --Linda
It was interesting to me that Linda identified as asexual when other women had commented on the significance of sexuality in their relationships. I asked Linda for her thoughts on asexuality and how this had figured into her identity development. She gave a beautiful description of feeling isolated from the world and turning inwards for strength;
I caiz only hazard a guess. I would think it nzight be a matter of not trusting people. I didn 't have any history of trust or any nurturing environnzent that would say it's okay to do this and do that and whatever. IJigured the only one I could rely on was nze so I was going it alone.... This was a big big epiphany. I was probably, I 'in going to sayjfteen or sixteen maybe. Something had really rocked nzy world. Ijust rememberfeeling alone, really really alone. We lived in the country and it was in the winter and it was pitch black and the stars were ozrt and it was 40-below and I went for a walk. Iput on my coat, boots, all that junk and went for a walk along the countiy roadjust to with mysew I made a conscious decision that night to be a stoic. I remember thinking not to express any emotion and not to feel any einotion basically. And Ijust shut down everything right there. Ijust said, "Uh-uh. I'm going to be who I am and count on myselfand do my own thing" and it just took offfiom there. --Linda
It seems that part of Linda's sense of asexuality again connected back to intimacy, to relationships with others who could nurture her and reflect her worth. She felt the need to protect herself from others and, although she was very social and had many friends, she didn't share herself with people. The lack of connection with others was also something of a lack of connection to self; areas of self which required vulnerability and intimacy were off-limits for her exploration and development. In her relationship now, Women's Sexuality 141
Linda described feeling "ei?zotioizallycoizizected iiz a big sense of the word," but says that sex is still not a big part of her life. The affection, closeness and comfort that she relates to sexuality are much more important than sex :c;. k:r.
Another component of Linda and Brenda not seeing themselves as sexual was that they were not seen as sexual by others. Both felt that they did not fit in, that they were not normal, that they were a far cry from the ideal of sexual attractiveness and beauty that the culture expected of them;
I feel vely androgynous. I don't feel fenzinine in the sense tlzat I equate femininity with @illy clothes and makeup aizd high heels. It doesn't workfor me, I'm afraid. I don 'tfeel really masculine but I'nz probably nzore comfortable closer to tlzat because I always wear slacks, I always wear sensible shoes. You've got the typical lesbian over here, you know, pants and sensible shoes. -- Linda
Linda described instances of her mother and sisters trying to get her to wear make-up, of noticing that she didn't fit in with her college roommates who were very
feminine and concerned about appearance. She was not interested in pretending to be the kind of attractive that would make her sexy by socio-cultural standards. I wonder if Linda
did not feel sexual because she did not feel heterosexual--she did not fit with the images
of sexuality presented by a heterosexist culture.
For Brenda, not feeling sexual was also related to appearance. She was diagnosed
with rheumatoid arthritis as a child and this affected the way that she looked and moved.
While other women might struggle to achieve the ideal of a sexy and beautiful woman,
Brenda felt as though she didn't have a chance. When people looked at her, she felt it was
because she was disfigured and she could not walk normally, not because she was
attractive or sexually interesting to them; Women's Sexuality 142
I don't feel that I'm a very sexual person because of my disability and the way it affects the way I walk, the way I look and everything. I'd always felt that a sexy person has a really nice figure--tall and slim and blond and all the things that I wasn't. So I have never felt attractive.... I always thought ifyou 're a sexual person it S because people are looking at you and attracted to you and Ite never-well, I've hadpeople look at me, but notfrom that point of view, you know.... When I was growing up, a disability was a very hard thing to cope with because people thought that you weren 't nonnal. They thought your brain wasn't normal just because you had a physical disability. --Brenda
Brenda told me that she didn't think that she would make a good participant for my research because she's never felt that people were sexually attracted to her. I believe quite the opposite is true. Brenda had a very unique and important perspective to offer as a woman with a disability. She highlighted how critical our self-concept is in our relationship to our own sexuality. To her, sexuality was something for normal people and she did not feel normal. Brenda grew up with her disability as her defining feature. It influenced how everyone responded towards her and how she thought of herself. Her mother babied her. The medical establishment objectified her. She had very little sense of being capable or acceptable, nevermind sexual.
Brenda emigrated to Canada in her twenties and found the medical model gradually became more person-centred. She spoke poignantly of the surgery she underwent to replace her knuckles;
When they took out the knuckles, the surgeon said to me, "We 've taken out your knuckles. Would you like to see your hand now without your knuckles? "And my hands were probably like this and I could hardly open my hand before the surgeiy. He had my handjust laid on top of his like this and I thought, "God, is that my hand? It's all straight. " Ijust couldn't believe it because it looked so different. And I thought, "It looks normal." ... Each surgery has helped me to feel a little bit more izormal. --Brenda Women's Sexuality 143
The surgeries that she had on her hands and knees helped give her a sense of
normalcy. This was critical to her having the courage to explore her romantic and sexual
sides more fully. Although she had already told herself that she would not have children
and might not find a love relationship, she put herself out into the dating scene. One man
that she met through newspaper ads became the man who introduced her to her sexuality, who made her believe that relationships, love and passion were a possibility for her;
When I hit forty, I was feeling fairly good. I'd both my knees replaced and I had a little bit more confidence, so I went the singles route and put ads in papers. I met a lot of nice people but I also ran into a lot ofpeople that, as soon as they saw me, they just didn't want to have anything to do with me because of my disability.... I did meet this one guy and our relationship was very intense very quickly. Ijust fell in love with this guy. He was just basically what I'd always dreamed, you know, romantic and all that. It only lasted six months but he did make me aware that there could be something more for me. Unfortunately, it didn't last with him but he made me believe that eventually I wouldfind somebody. --Brenda
Brenda and Linda emphasized the value of having diverse role models for wome~~'ssexuality. Different experiences, perceptions, and messages can affect whether or not women see themselves as sexual. It may be that these women feel sexual but do not feel appropriate expressing it because others assume that they are not. Or it may be that these women's sexuality becomes squelched because there are no messages to
support its development. Lou commented on the belief that every human is a sexual
being;
Throughout my whole life I've pretty much taken the attitude that everybody's sexual and it hasn 't always been easy to take that view because there's a lot of sort of stereotypical sort of things, like people in wheelchairs shouldn't be sexual, people who are physically deformed aren't sexual. I remember a couple ofyears ago a bunch of us were having a conversation and one woman was in a wheelchair and is quite deformed. Brilliant woman. Makes tremendous Women's Sexuality 144
contributions to the community. And we were all talking about how many children we had and I turned to her and said, 'Do you have any children?" and she said,
"No, I don't, but you 're thejrst person who's ever asked me. " And I thought, isn't that sad that, because she's in a wheelchair, there's an assumption that she's never... But she is sexual. She has to be because she's a human being, period. And ifwe can grow old and saggy and totally change our body image and still be sexual, why can 't she be too? I think it's a very basic instinctual need of human beings because that's the only way that we're going to keep the human race going is to inake sure that we are sexual. --Lou
Of course, it may also be that some women are just not sexual, that their sexuality is just not important. But I don't think so. Maybe there is a lack of desire for physical, genital sex but sexuality--with the connection, respect, and touching that women understood it to include--remained significant in women's self-concept. Even Brenda, who said she had never felt very sexual, spoke of the importance of her current relationship and the cuddling, sharing and affection which characterized sexuality for her and her partner. And despite Linda's self-definition as asexual, she gave one of the richest descriptions of sexual desire from any of my meetings with women. Linda was exposed to her first ever sex scene between two women while seeing the movie "Desert
Heart;"
I was sitting there and this scene came on and I think I took at intake of breath and I didn't breathe for about ten minutes. [Myfiiends] poked me iiz the ribs,
"Breathe now." It was just one of those "Wow! " kind of monzents. It was just two woineiz were.witJz each other and it just felt wonderjiul to watch. It was loving and intinzate and right.... Theyjust seemed--"Wow!" --Linda
I asked Linda in several different ways--my bias creeping in--how sexuality fit for her overall identity. She told me "I'm not even sure it does. And that's really weird but I guess nzaybe it depends on how you dejne sexuality. " Part of women seeing themselves Women's Sexuality 145 as sexual requires redefining sexuality to account for the many aspects of women's experiences which may not fit with our traditional concepts of women as sexual beings.
Living in a Woman's Body
Possibly the most pervasive way that "normal" women are made to feel abnormal about themselves and their sexuality is through the expectations of appearance and body image. Women returned to this theme many times in our discussions, noting that they did not feel sexual when they did not feel good in their own skin. As Loretta identified, body
image is about more than weight. It's about how we move, how we carry ourselves, a confidence we project;
When you look at someone, you know whether they 're confortable in their own body. You can see the difference in the way they move. And someone really heavy can be very comfortable. It's not just to do with weight. It's that level of comfort somehow. Like you '11 see people who are really physically active or dancers or athletes. They are more comfortable in their body. They move easier. They have that kind offieedonz tvizere tizey don't have to tlziizk about aizy of their inovemeizts. And that's some of the things that maybe I'nz flnding really frustrating as I age and get more crotchety. --Loretta
Loretta pointed out the experience of noticing her body change with age. For the
women who used to be slim and attractive, the changes in their body seemed more
disconcerting. The idea of being sexual, especially with a new partner, is a more self-
conscious experience than it ever was before. Suzanne is hesitant about entering a sexual
relationship and delighted by the notion that someone would find her sexually attractive
and worth being with;
I 'm very much disliking my body because I'm terribly overweight compared to what I used to be and that's a really negative influence on the way I view myselj In the last relationship I was in, the being in shape and the body thing was a big part of it. He was skinny as a rail and so Ifelt fat all the time. I subconsciously Women's Sexuality 146
was always feeling like I wasn't measuring up. I recognized that that may very well have been completely my projection because after all, he found me attractive enough to get into the relationship and stay there.... And thisfellow who is still interested [in having a sexual relationshipl is interesting in the respect that I'm thinking, 'Wow, ifyou could still think that wozlld be a good idea when I'm this fat, then there might be a lot of real benefits in that degree of acceptance. ' -- Suzanne
I think I'm somewhat insecure sexually. Like, I think Ite never felt that I was a really good sexual partner a lot of times but I still feel that I have the capacity to be when things are right. At my age, I think especially as you get older, you're maybe a little more self-conscious. Now I've put on weight and I've got rolls and I don 'tfeel, you know, I'nz saggy. I was really skinny most of my life so I'm quite uncomfortable with the extra weight. It's not even the weight so much as how it's proportioned. If1 was physically fit--like this is in my head--I would be more comfortable in my body. That's one of the things about a new sexual relationship- -I would have tofeel pretty secure before I would go into it at this stage. --Loretta
Lou has the added complexity of not only the normal changes in her body from
aging but also a mastectomy for breast cancer. Before her breast reconstruction, she had a
sense of her body as not being her own, as being disconnected somehow from who she truly was. When we spoke, she explained that she is a bit more protective of her body and
she's more selective about who sees her;
I was vely attractive and I was very slender and I was in really good shape when I was young .... But I'm not now. I still feel totally sexual. I have had breast cancer so I've had part of a breast removed and just recently I had reconstructive surgery done. So I do have issues now with how I feel about my own body. --Lou
Despite Lou's changing body image, she still felt like a fully sexual person. She
noted the way that women's body image can restrict their sexual activity. She noted how
sad it was that women would feel they should not be seen, as if their bodies are sexual
turn-offs rather than a crucial and beautifhl part of the sexual experience;
I kizow some women who, they told me that ifthey're going to have sex then all the lights have to be out and they would never have sex in the daytime. I thouglzt, Women's Sexuality 147
"God, I like a light on in the bedroom ifl'm going to have sex. What's the matter
with being able to see what you 're doing? " But they say that the lights have to be out and they get uncovered in the dark and get in under the blankets. I thought, "Wow, because you 're overweight you 're eliminating all of thisfrom your life?" Isn't that sad? --Lou
Suzanne also alluded to the importance of being comfortable in her body in order to be able to hlly participate in a sexual experience. Both she and Brenda commented on how seeing their reflection in the mirror was a reminder that they are not attractive and pleasing to others. As Suzanne said, she felt fine and happy until the mirror demanded her to, "See yourselfas others see you." Brenda and Suzanne felt the jolt of moving from being subjects to becoming objects;
I'm getting tofeel it in my head that I'm normal unless I walk into a mall and then I see the way I walk through the glass doors. I see the rejection and then I think, "Oh yea, you 're not normal. "And then it will bother me. --Brenda
There's all these negatives that I'm giving nzyseg like I don 't want to go shopping. Just keep me awayfi.0171mirrors and I'll be all right. [Part of sexzlnlity is] just knowing that your body is a pleasure for yourselfand for somebody else and it's not when you're skulking around avoiding mirrors and making sure that you 'refully clothed at all times. --Suzanne
These women expressed feeling separate from their bodies, as if their bodies had betrayed them by not looking the way that they felt inside. This sense of disconnection
sometimes influenced their feeling sexual, feeling sexually attractive, and being able to
give themselves fully to sexual experiences. Being able to connect with their bodies was
also a source of wisdom. Nancy commented on how women learning to listen to their
bodies' messages was so important to living healthfully. Disconnecting from our bodies
is adaptive when it is purposeful and for the right reasons, which is very different from
the women above who disconnected because their bodies did not look the way external Women's Sexuality 148 messages said they should. Nancy remarks on the importance of this purposeful connection to self;
I honestly feel most sex lives... have ups and downs. Ebb andflow. And whjl wouldn't you? Your body does that all though your cycles ifyou're a woman and men have the same sort of ebb andflow. Ijust don't think they 'reperceptive enough. They think, "This is what you do with your male body. You run 15 miles and then you go home and jump into bed. " or "You go to the bar for four hours and then you go home and make love." I don 't think they pay attention to their bodies eizozlgh. I think that's one of the reasons that they perhaps don't live as long as women is that they don't listen as much .... Now there are some times you have to shut your body 08There are some times you don 't have an optioiz on what you have to do, like getting up to feed a baby in the middle of the night.... [Having a baby] takes away that wonderful sort of horny feeling you get--ifyou don't mind me using that word. You sort of go numb to a certain extent. I always thought that was part of nature's plan saying, "I'm not interested. I need a little recovery time. " --Nancy
Women's bodies have the potential to be a source of insight and strength. The women who spoke most positively about women's sexuality also noted an appreciation of what women's bodies are capable of, most notably the intuition that comes of listening to our internal voice and the power of pregnancy and motherhood. Marie's message was one of valuing and celebrating what may be seen as women's strengths;
I think women are much more introspective than men, much more deep-thinking and much more feeling and that introspection in women is much more keen. I think women are more sensitive to their bodies and body changes and all oj'tlzat too. --Marie
Living in a woman's body carries with it a sense of pride, resentment, sexiness, inadequacy, confidence and embarrassment. Our bodies are inextricably linked to sexuality. Even though Lou declared that sexuality begins in our heads, I don't think she would say that it ends there. Feeling good about bodies is about feeling good about our sexuality and ourselves. Women's Sexuality 149
Seeking Self-Esteem
Issues of body image and aging are intricately related to self-esteem in a culture where being thin and young are women's leading paths to beauty. Suzanne articulated how her sexuality was strongly linked to her self-concept. Sexuality was an expression of her self when she was feeling confident and acceptable;
IJnd that my sexuality is really really strongly attached to my sense of selJ:In tinzes, like now, when I'm not feeling good about myselJ:I'm just absolutely, totally not interested ilz sex at all. I'm actually an asexual being. It just doesn't cross my mind. And at times when I am feeling good about myselJ: then it's a really strong element and it's an expression ofpleasure and a sense of feeling accepted .... I don 't take any sexual risks if1don't feel that I'm safe and that I'm acceptable. I'mn a terrible flirt when I'm feeling good about myself but when I'm not, the opposite sex doesn't exist and it'sjust a non-issue. --Suzanne
The primary way that Suzanne's sexuality is expressed is through flirting. She talks about flirting as an expression of her sexuality when she is feeling good. It is a strategy that arose out of her family of origin where she was the youngest of ten children and took the role of entertainer, the cute one. Suzanne was open about her flirtatiousness also being a control mechanism, a way of getting attention and getting what she wants from others. In this way, she traces the development of her brand of sexual expression right into her childhood;
Theflirtatious thing is both amz elememzt of my mother's ~nodeliizgand the way in which I got my way as a kid. It was easy to be part of the woodwork when you're tlze youngest of ten children. You have to establish a role in thefamily or a way of being sign$cant and for ine it was playfulness. So I became an entertainer and a seeker of approval and I see those as both things that eventually evolved into having a sexual aspect. It's good to be cute. It's good to be desirable. It's both an acceptance thing but it's also a contm-01 mechanism. I'm very conscious of that. -- Suzanne Women's Sexuality 150
As much as Suzanne connected her flirting and sexuality to feeling good, there was a flip side. To have sexuality as a means of communicating and getting attention became her only way of expressing herself and she became resentfbl that there was no outlet for other sides of herself. She commented on how her mother was a flirt all her life and well into her nineties. It was a source of amusement for the family but Suzanne reflected that what might have been going on for her mother that sexuality was such a prominent aspect of her self-expression;
It's troubling in the sense that I think that she did12 't ever have a sense of her own worth as a human being but she needed to see herselfeither as the caregiver of all these wretched children or as the pleaser of men. So for her it seemed like, watching her, she was havingfun but she was also sucking up big time. I guess it would be t~yi~zgto get some control because she really didn't have any. I didn't start to see her as being really sad and depressed until I was probably in my forties. I guess I learned that it wasn 't a really effective tool for getting what you wanted. It was useful but not something that I wanted as my only strategy .... When I was attractive, I often felt like that's all that people were looking at. But I'm not sure it was anything inzlch more than the fact that I wasn 't using my intellectz~al abilities then because I wasn 't givingpeople a chance to treat me in that way. Now I can see that, well how would they know you had a brain, you never said so. That's one of the things that's been evolutionary. --Suzanne
It is telling that Suzanne says, "when I was attractive" in the past tense, showing how she no longer sees herself as appealing or sexy to others. The shift may be part of what encouraged her to express her intellect as well; she needed to have something else to offer in order to continue feeling good about herself. The aspects of sexuality which emerged when Suzanne was not feeling good about herself did not always lead her to making good decisions for herself. This relates to Lou's earlier remark that many of the women she knew who were into one-night stands were actually dealing with low self- esteem. Having made a bad choice of a sexual partner only makes Suzanne feel worse Women's Sexuality 15 1 about herself. Thus, self-esteem influences sexuality and sexuality influences self- esteem;
The selfthat values me has made me very selective in my sexual partners, very much aware that sex is a gift, that it's a valuable one, that it S very personal. The other side of ine that says I am lacking in value has allowed me to put up with a lot of stuffthat I really didn't want to do .... I don't think I have that kind of thing where I can use sex to build self-esteem. I thiitk it's the other way around. ... Ifl was feeling down on rnyse& having sex did nothing to improve it. Itjust ruined the quality of the sex. And it probably diminished my self-esteem further in the sense oj I have this idea that sex is a gift and when I'm not giving my best, then it S just another negative. Then it 3 just another way to kick myselj..for not looking after rnyselJ:It's often a case oj 'Ishould not have gotten into this relationship because I didn 't really want to be here. ' --Suzanne
Suzanne was not the only one to comment on self-esteem. Loretta, Marie, Brenda,
Lou, Sandy and Jane all talked about how their negative self-image kept them in relationships they should not have been in, left them feeling lonely and isolated, or prompted them to make bad choices. At times when these women were looking to feel loved, sexuality was one way of trying to do that, even if it was generally not a very effective strategy.
Lou explained that the early influence of her father's sexuality education was carried through into her adult relationships. Since he had told her that men would only be interested in her for her sexual attractiveness, and women's value was based on being loved by men, she linked her own self-image to whether men found her desirable. Once she was able to acknowledge this influence, she challenged that message and her self- image became less tied to sexuality. Reviewing the connection between her internalized messages and her sexual choices was a conscious and purposeful process for Lou; Women's Sexuality 152
I went through those years when I believed that $a man didn't want me sexually there was soinething wrong with me, which was a throwback to the inti-oduction front my dad. And that also was a very important recognitionfor me. When I realized the impact that he had on me and who I was, I dealt with that. --Lou
Sandy's fear of not being loved meant that she did not acknowledge her sexual orientation until she was in her fifties. Along with the many other issues which influence women's development of self-esteem, Sandy's mother told her directly that being gay was shameful and disgusting. It's an extremely powerful silencer to think that expressing a part of yourself is so abhorrent to your mother that she'd wish you dead;
Igot fed that being gay was wrong and ifthat's the way you are, then I'nz your mother but I'd rather you were dead. Now when you don 't have any self-esteem to begin with, that's pretty well all you don't need to heai: --Sandy
Sandy's lack of self-confidence probably contributed to her falling prey to homophobic messages. It was more difficult for her to accept her sexuality because she wanted people to like her. She had no reason to believe that she could be both gay and likable at the same time so she developed a protective wall around herself to keep the truth from being revealed;
I was like a lot of people who made my job nzy identity. Ijust didn 't even like nzyseg Ijust had too much of a shield to be able to conze across as a whole person. I had to learn that the job wasn 't me, that people would like me other than sitting at nzy desk doing my typing. I've never had a great confidence in uzyselfso it was veiy easy to feed that, "It's terrible to be gay and blah blah blah. "It was veiy easy to buy that. --Sandy
Linda remarked that her experience with acknowledging her sexual orientation was eased by feeling comfortable with who she was as a person. It may have been that the decision she made as an adolescent to rely on herself and disconnect from external Women's Sexuality 153 messages had a protective influence in some ways, keeping her shielded from some of the cultural homophobia;
Probably it hasn't been a real gut-wrenching, emotional catharsis, it hasn't been any of that stuff because I, for sonze reason, like who I anz. I don 't want to be anything else than who I ant. And I've had that sense of who I amfrom very little. People can say, "Oh you 're stupid or you're lazy or you 'refat or you 're ugly" or whatever and I don 't take any of that on. It sort of doesn't stick to me. The Teflon 's on. --Linda
To further highlight the connectio~iwomen made between self-esteem and sexuality, I noticed that when I asked Brenda how her sexuality had changed with getting older, she immediately answered "Well, I have more self-esteem." Sexuality was naturally connected to how she saw and valued herself;
If1go into the inall, I bzow that people are lookiizg at ine and staring and it used to really bother me. But now, $1 see soinebody really staring at me, I stare right back. Just by saying that I can tell how far I've come because I would never have dreanzt of saying anything like that. I would have been hurt and I would have gone home and brooded about it but I wouldn 't have done anything about it. -- Brenda
The improvement in her self-image and the influence of being in a loving, committed relationship helped her to explore sexuality more fully. She follows her feelings more, stands up for herself more instead of holding her tongue, and expects kind and respectful treatment where she did not before. Her experience with self-esteem represents about the ideas of validating feelings, encouraging voice, and expecting nurturance and reciprocity, which is very much about sexuality and self for women.
A Note in Closing
The preceding chapter explores the range of comments that arose in my discussions with women about sexuality. Just defining sexuality is a difficult task. Women's Sexuality 154
However, sexuality is clearly more than sex; sometinles it doesn't even have much to do with sex. It is about passion, desire, and bodies. It is also about intimacy, vulnerability, and self-respect. All of these aspects are woven through their comments about their relationships and their singlehood, their early teachings and their experiences with aging, and their stories of being sexy and sexual. That they have such rich comments to add to the topic of women's sexuality is a testament to how intelligent, articulate and insightfbl these nine women are. They did not come to this level of understanding by accident; many of them went through painful, exciting, frightening journeys of self-discovery in their understanding of sexuality and self. Those stories are shared in the next chapter. Women's Sexuality 155
CHAPTER FIVE
Transitions Toward Wholeness
Perhaps the richest of the conversations that I had with women were about their transitions in understanding themselves as sexual. Many of the heterosexual women described peak experiences related to sexuality, which often occurred at mid-life. Two of these women had experiences which they described as "awakenings" of their sexuality.
They noted how their sexuality had seemed dormant and was brought to life through intense sexual encounters. As well, three of the women interviewed identified as lesbian and all three experienced the transition of living straight lives to being gay as something of an awakening of themselves. They described "coining out" as a life-changing and affirming process. Their stories of shifting identity reveal a great deal about the experience of sexuality from a minority status and thus reveal a great deal about sexuality.
Awakening Sexuality and Self
For the nine women I spoke with, there was a sense of needing permission or space to explore their sexuality and more fully understand themselves as women. The sense of gaining permission, of having role models, of finding safe arenas for experimentation, were part of the process of becoming whole. Certain conditions presented themselves in women's lives, acting as catalysts for change. There is inspiration and hopefulness in women's thoughts on permission and wholeness, their descriptions of what it is like to be awake to their sexuality and themselves, and their wise messages for other women. I share the stories of women's transitions in sexuality, Women's Sexuality 156 beginning with their reflections on sex and sexuality before the "awakening" and following their journey of uncovering sexual passion and discovering new self-insights. I separated out the stories of straight women and lesbians that I spoke with; their experiences seemed qualitatively different based on the experience of heterosexist culture. While there are some similarities, I wanted to highlight the ways in which the lesbian perspectives are unique.
Awakenings: Straight Women's Peak Experiences
Each woman acknowledged the way that sexuality had changed for her over the years. As they learned about themselves, they learned about their sexual selves. Desire changed, relationships changed, roles changed, so it only makes sense that sexuality changed too. At age seventy, Nancy noted that her sexuality is undergoing another transition as she heals after her husband's death and considers the possibility of finding a new con~panion;
I know that I've changed since I've been on my own, as a widow. I've changed in nzy feelings about what sexuality is. I notice that there are attitudes that I didn't really notice before about how sexuality seems to relate to appearance and to
age, young age. And I think, "what are they missing? " ... When you 'reyoung and you're in love and you 've got lust and you're sexy, I mean everythingjust seeins to jlow. Then all of a sudden you've got to think about more than that as you get older. So I guess what I 'nz saying is that everything changes all the time. --Nancy
While many of the women discussed transition points in their discovery of sexuality, Marie and Suzanne gave frank accounts of peak experiences which acted to awaken their sexual and sensual selves. The term 'awaken' implies more than just a change in how they saw sexuality; it suggests the discovery of something that was there all along but sleeping or in hibernation. Marie reflected on the sex and sexuality in her Women's Sexuality 157
first marriage. She felt that she was holding herself back, keeping hidden the sexual part
of herself that she knew existed in some way. Her inability to feel connected and safe with her husband seemed key. He was not expressive of his sexuality and, as the wife,
she followed his lead sexually. His inhibitions and lack of desire left her feeling rejected by him and disconnected from the idea of sexual pleasure;
I think, now, during my years of being married thefirst time, I think I knew that I was a veiy sexual, sensual kind of person. But I didn 't--couldn 'tfor some reason, I'm not sure what--I was holdiizg myselfback. I couldn't experience it with my jrst husband. And I think there's lots of reasons for it. There were lots of problems in the marriage arzd the children somewhat inhibit you. And he himself was inhibited. He didn't want to do any experimenting. It was alwaysjust vely short and there was no foreplay, there was nothing to--you know. It was just a very simple act. ...It wasn 't something that I enjoyed at all .... After I had my children, my lzusbaizd seemed to have even less sexual desire. And that had a really negative impact on me about showing any of my sexuality 01- sensuality. -- Marie
Marie continued on to comment on her sense that there was more to sex and
sexuality, that there was more to her than she was able to express in her marriage. It is
significant that she trusted this "inner feeling" that she was not the person her marriage brought out. Marie's intuition led her to actively seek out an experience to encourage and
draw out her sense of herself as a sexual and sensual being;
It S really interesting because I remember thinking vely often that I felt kind of like I was a frigid, cold person but I knew that I wasn't. Ijust couldn't bring it out with him. When I did become single and did start to go out a bit, I was looking for, not a relationship, an experience that would bring that out in some kind of pee way where there wouldn't be any kind of restrictions or holds. I wouldn't feel that sense of censorship. I knew it was there. It was just an inner feeling. --Marie
Marie's seeking led her to an encounter with a younger man. Their connection
was purely sexual and their feelings were intensely passionate. She went against her Women's Sexuality 158
"good girl" training and shattered the taboos against women being sexual, women being with younger men, women being expressive of sexuality outside of marriage or even emotional commitment. Marie was in her forties and divorced. Her children did not need her attention as much as in the past. And she was working in an area that supported women's reproductive and sexual choices. It was not as much the development of her sexuality as her awakening to it. Her story highlights how circumstances and relationships can support her expressing this part of herself more fully;
It's been an enlightening experiencefor me because I became single when I was about 42 and I was working [in women 's reproductive healthfield] for I think about two years. I started to feel much more comfortable about my sexuality and understanding a bit more of mnyse& that awareness of who I am as a woman and that it was okay to be sexual and sensual. And it was really interesting because after I separatedfrom my first husband, I had an affair with a younger man. It was a very life-opening experiencefor me to have that and to enjoy something that I had never felt that I could enjoy to the extent that I did. And that relationship was purely sexual for me but it was a very revealing experience.... I wouldn't even call it a relationship. It was an experience. It was an awakening. It was an awakening of all my sexual desires and sensuousness and eveiything. It was only for six months but it was a vely intense six months. It did seriously awaken all of those thoughts and desires and feelings--sexual feelings, not emotional. There wasn't a lot of emotion in there. It was just purely sex. But it was a wonderful time. I wouldn't have missed that because I felt that I had missed it for 20 years in my marriage. It felt like a blooming in that six months. --Marie
The language that Marie used is meaningful. She spoke about an experience, an awakening, a blooming. She is referring not to the emotional aspects of sexuality but to the desire, passion and pleasure of sexuality. She discovered enjoyment in her body's sexual potential without the complication of emotion. As significant as women's relationships were and are, Marie's encounter was about her, not her relationship. Along with breaking the myth that women were not supposed to be sexual, were not supposed to Women's Sexuality 159
enjoy sex, Marie broke through the taboo conilected to self-pleasuring. She was one of
the only women to mention the role of masturbation in her sexuality;
I think that's another thing that I've discovered and that's only a very recent discovery for me as well, is how important that act of being able to satisfy yourself is. There were all those years that I denied nzyselfthat and thought that it was bad and dirty. I mean, people wouldiz 't even say the word much less admit they do it. --Marie
Suzanne's awakening was also about opening the door to sexual pleasure after a
relationship that was affectionately and intimately sterile. Like Marie, Suzanne divorced her husband when she was in her forties, when her children were older and she was employed outside the home. She was financially independent and starting to take care of
herself again after years of looking after her husband, her children and their farm.
Following her divorce, she met a man who she described as being "comnzitted to her sexualpleasui.e," as caring about whether or not she enjoyed sex. Through him she was able to explore the full depth of her sexual desire;
I really discovered greater scope in my sexuality in tenns of what I wanted to get out of it, how often, all kinds of things that just were something that I had nevei- explored or didn't even suppose I ever had the right to ask to explore while I was married. I was really fortunate in the first guy after my divorce was a person wlzo was totally dedicated to his partner's pleasure. Wow! Quite an awakening! That was really interesting,jinding soilzebody that was prepared to spend as long as it took or whatever it took to make sure that it was good for you. I'm grateful for that.... It was just a coinplete revelation about how nzuch pleasure is possible and how great it is to have soineone caring about the way I felt and making sure that I was getting the ilzost out of the experience. Ijust learned so much from that. It was inaivelous. Aizd tlzeiz it just got better and better and better. It totally changed iny expectations. We had so much fun. I was looking good in those days. I was looking after myseg It was just the absolute best way to conze out of a miserable divorce. --Suzanne Women's Sexuality 160
"Having sonleone caring" about her sexual pleasure was the beginning of a process of Suzanne learning to accept nurturance from others. She was able to explore what interested her, ask for what she wanted and needed, and expect that her feelings and desires would be valued. Like many women, her own voice had been subsumed by her role as caregiver. Suzanne and Marie articulated how sexual desire is part of what is quieted by a focus on others, a neglect of one's own needs. The sexual desire that existed for them all along required a different perspective and a different relationship to find expression. For both of them, the change came when their children were older teenagers, they returned to work and began turning attention back to themselves. Their sense of themselves as sexual was part of what liberated them from being in relationships that did not allow them to be whole and also a part of leading them to new forms of sexual expression. In some part of them, they knew that there was more to who they were, more to sex, more to life, and they wanted to find out what it was.
Awakenings: From Dutiful Wives to Lesbian Lives
Linda, Jane, and Sandy identified as lesbian later in life--Linda in her thirties,
Jane in her early forties, and Sandy not until she was 50 years old. They all were married in their twenties and Jane and Linda each had two children. For them, the transition of sexuality was in discovering their sexual orientation and opening themselves up to a more authentic way of being sexual. Jane described wanting sex in her marriage but never really enjoying it. Like Marie and Suzanne, Jane sensed that sexuality was a part of her and that wanting it was normal. Lack of pleasure was a missing piece in Jane's 20- year marriage; Women's Sexuality 16 1
I would want to have sex. I would want to, I mean' that was something that should be a part of you and you should want to have it but I never did like it vely much -- Jane
Sandy's marriage lasted only seven years and she was single again in her mid- twenties. She was involved mostly in superficial encounters and one-night stands after that. She experimented with both women and men, rationalizing that she could not be gay if she slept with just as many men as women. Her sexuality, then, was neither this nor that. Although sexually active, Sandy remained at a distance from her own sexuality;
As far as being a sexual woman, I've certainly played thefield on both sides. I was telling the girls ... that, ifIslept with a woman and I sleep with a man that it will even it out. So I did a lot of that for a long time. I don't know &fIwas a good actress or if1really did enjoy it. Maybe I did. I don't remember now. But I know I certainly did go girl-man-girl-man-girl-man all nice and neat so it wasn't really this and it wasn't really that. --Sandy
Sandy commented that she enjoyed the sex enough to wonder now if she was bisexual or just a "good actress." She explained that her sexual behaviour was driven by youth, drinking, and sexual desire. Her sexual encounters met a need for physical release and human company, as well as supporting her facade of heterosexuality;
At the beginning, Iguess when I was involved with men, before I really knew too much about myselJ the sexuality was fine. I mean, the sex was fine, per se. I think maybe i was bi for a while because it was okay. I guess wanting to have sex you're going to take one thing or the other so maybe that's what it was.... It certainly wasn't a sharing experience that I feel you get with a woman. I always say you can make good love to a woman but you can have sex with a man. But that's just me. That's just the way I interpret it. It was okay for then. I was young enough and wanted sex enough that I could at least achieve something out of it. Not that it was anything long-standing but it certainly, I guess, met the purposes. You get drunk and say you want to have a little bit of fun and you do it and then you go home. And for the longest time Iguess that's the way it was and I tried to convince myselfthat it is where I should be or that S what I would be confortable with. And it wasn't. [I was] probably just playing the games because all nzy friends were straight and they liked guys and they would all go out together and Women's Sexuality 162
pick up somebody so, of course, I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And that's in the days when we drank a lot too. That, of course, gave me permission to be stupid. --Sandy
Sandy mentions that the sexuality was fine 'for then;' I am reminded of the
Woody Allen line that claims that sex is like pizza; even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. For Sandy, the sex was acceptable for a time when she really didn't know very much about herself. Purely sexual encounters were okay because she was closed off to the part of her that might expect a more wholistic experience of sexuality, that might wish for the kind of "sharing experience" that she expects of sexuality now.
Sandy's time spent in the closet was tumultuous and lasted for over 20 years. She pretended to be someone that she wasn't. At night, she was a straight woman who liked the bars, liked to drink, liked to have fun and would pick up men for one-night stands because that's what she thought was expected in order to fit in with her straight friends.
During the day, she was a straight woman who was responsible and committed to her job, who joked with colleagues and had many friends. She acted out of a fear that people would not like her and that she would lose her friends and family. Sandy explains poignantly how her fear was based in her experience of her mother's hatred for gay people and her friends' rejection of her initial attempts to come out;
Iprobably have been [gay] all my life but I went through theprocess of being married and not understanding why I wasn't really happy being married. I guess I sort of came out in the days when it was very very difjcult to be gay. I lost an awful lot of friends in my twenties when Ijrst came out. So I chose [to go] back in the closet for about 13 years and just chose to have straight friends. I didn 't want to lose any more friends. --Sandy Women's Sexuality 163
Sandy felt intense fear that her sexual orientation would be discovered. The amount of energy that she put into staying in the closet was immense and oppressive. She describes the anxiety she experienced at the thought of being found out;
One day I was at work and soinebody came in who I'd known froin a club. And I don't think, really and truly, to this day, I will ever know such fear as Ifelt when she walked in that ofice. I was sitting at my desk when I saw her come in the door and, luckily or unluckily, I knew the personnel manager and I made damned sure she didn't get hired. There was no way I would dare have her around the oflee.... It got to the point where I would not even hug a woman. You know, I'm short and everybody likes to come up and put their arm around me and that 'sfine but I wouldn 'tput my arm around them because what iftheyJind out [gaspy Ite been sexually molesting them. I used to spend hours and hours going through conversations in my head. Ifyou came to me and said, "Ijust heard something about you. Is that true?" Then I would go through this conversation. --Sandy
Sandy's fear of her own sexuality was more extreme than either Jane or Linda described, partly because the anti-gay messages that she received were the most direct and threatening. However, Jane also commented on the fear that she felt when a friend expressed attraction towards her. Then, in her twenties and married, she began having sexual feelings for women. Like Sandy, Jane pushed away her homosexual feelings for several years, worried that there was something wrong with her;
The first time one of my friends ever said she was attracted to me, it was really a Pightening thought for me. It really scared me and then I got thinking, "Well, yea, I think I'm attracted to her" but you repress that. I didn 't want to think of those possibilities because it was so foreign to the way I'd been brought up .... It wasn't until my twenties really that I started kind of having these crushes on women and then really suppressing it. I mean, I didn't tell anybody and I didn't do anything about it. I didn't tell the person I had the crush on, nothing. Ijust thought, "Jane, there's something wrong with you and this will pass and you'll get over this. "And then it would happen again and I'd think, "Oh my god, what's wrong with me?" until I met Diane and then I thought, "Well, you know, thisfeels really nice and itfeels right. " I started giving up some of those repressive thoughts. --Jane. Women's Sexuality 164
This quote from Jane moves fiom lesbianism as foreign and frightening to being a possibility that felt good and right, fiom thinking that there was something wrong with her potentially being gay to thinking that there was something wrong with her pretending to be straight. It is this passage which makes up the transition for these three women's experience of themselves as sexual.
Coming Out. Jane's romantic interest in another woman was what ultimately encouraged her to open herself to the idea of being lesbian. These attractions were placed in her path many times and, with Diane, the message finally became loud enough that she paid attention. Beginning to give up some of the repressive messages she'd had was the beginning of a transition into a different life for Jane, where she found the courage to leave an unhappy marriage and to explore who she really was sexually and otherwise. A series of circumstances converged to allow her to embark on self-discovery. Still, it was ultimately the lowering of inhibitions through alcohol which gave Jane and Diane the courage to express their affection and attraction towards one another;
I was really at the point of knowing that I couldn 't go on in that relationship anymore. Ijust was unhappy every single day and I'dJinished university and then I was working and I felt more ready to be able to leave.... I was economically independent and the kids were big enough that it wasn't such a woriyfor me. So I felt on safer ground to go. Then, at the same time, I met this woman and we had this really nice friendslzip. Then I became really attracted to her and she was to me but we didn 't talk about that for two years but I had a lot of feelings for her and I think that really helped spur me on to get out of that marriage. Ijust knew it wasn 't right and I had to get out. Diane and I talked in coded termsfor a long long time and then we finally got drunk enough to talk about how wefelt about each other. It was really an awful lot of tlzings coming together at one time. -- Jane Women's Sexuality 165
Jane's experience of several pieces starting to come together is very similar to
Sandy's experience of transition. She began to notice her interactions with co-workers becoming more strained and her emotions were closer to the surface, as if the pretense she had developed was wearing thin. Sandy took a stress leave from her job and went to see a therapist for depression, seeking understanding of her unhappiness;
That's another thing that was happening. I never did tell a joke, a gay joke. I alwaysjust left it alone and people would start talking about something else. But then I started getting angry when I heard some of the jokes. And then it started to hurt and I couldn't believe it. One day something was said at work and I bloody well near cried in front of the girls. Well, I'd never cried in front of anybody in my life. And I thought, 'Boy, you know, something S happening here. 'And I was getting vely depressed and very stressed out and eventually I had to go on sick leavefor three months and was in therapy. But between that and the whole thing, it all came together. The therapist said, "You know, once the pieces start falling,
the))'llfall together very quicklyfor yotl. " And they did, they really did. --Sandy
Linda's experience of the transition was abrupt, a sudden realization that it might be women she was supposed to love rather than men, Much of the catalyst for her transition was in a conversation that she had with her sister, who identified as lesbian a couple of years before Linda did. As for Jane and Sandy, connecting with her sexual orientation brought together many pieces of Linda's self into a more coherent whole;
It was probably an overnight revelation and that was as simple as that. It wasn't really heart-wrenching, soul-searching kind of stufl A couple of things happened. M)) sister realized early in her life that she was gay but also got married, had a child, did the whole thing like she was supposed to do too. Then she ran offto the big city with another woman and changed her whole lifestyle. At one point she was going through a really traumatic breakup with a partner of several years at the saisze time that I was going through my separation and divorcefrom my husband. And I realized, all of the pain, anger and hurt stuffthat I felt, she felt as well. And I somehow realized that her life is not so much different than my life. So I thought, "Well, heaven sakes, there's not a whole bunch of difference between door number one and door number two." And having said that opened up a whole new world to me. Just saying, "Wow, it's as easy to love a man or a woman. It S Women's Sexuality 166
as painful to go through the sep~rationfroin a woman." Having said that ... my life took on a whole new meaning. My social life, other than my married life, was with women. Where Ifelt comfortable was in the company of other women. So as soon as Isaid, "It's as easy to love a man as a woman," I began to look at women differently. And that's all it was. It wasn't a big, "Oh my God, I'm gay," kind of thing. It was a "Hallelujah, Ifina1ly)gured out what's going on! Now my life makes sense." It was marvelous. --Linda
Linda experienced this as an "aha" moment. Far beyond sexuality, it was her life that now made sense--her relationships, her feelings, her sense of androgyny and asexuality and difference. Her perspective changed. She began to look at women differently and to see herself in a whole new light. She says here that there was not a lot of soul-searching, as if the pieces just fell together quickly as Sandy described. Her initial recognition that she is a lesbian was marvelous and simple. However, she describes the process of self-discovery that followed as another adolescence. Although she knew what she wanted in life as a teenager the first time around, she now experienced all the angst and questioning characteristic of adolescent identity development. It is as if she missed negotiating this developmental stage the first time around because she had disconnected from herself but the acknowledgment of her sexuality meant that she had to work her way through the stage as a thirty-five year old woman;
Part of the complexityfor me is that I've identij?ed myselfas a lesbian so that made a whole different switch ,&rom] where I was comingfrom to where I am now. It's alnzost like two lives or two teenage periods ... When you are twelve to seventeeideighteen in the real messy adolescent period, you go through this
adolescent stuff about lzornzones and "who an1 I?" and "do IJit in? " and "where am Igoing? " And you sort of have all those sort of dreams as a teenager. And then having come to this phase of my life where I decided that I was a lesbian, I had a whole other teenage years too where you say, "Oh my God, what does that mean?" or "What am Igoing to do? How do I meet people"? and it's a whole other teenage life only gone through at thirty-Jive with a little bit of experience hopefully behind you. But just as stupid. When Istarted over at thirty-five, it was Women's Sexuality 167
"Wow, now I really am that crazy teenager that doesn 't know where they're going and what's going to happen next." So that was more the teenage angst, upheaval kind of sense. As a normal teenager, I knew exactly what my life was going to be like. --Linda
Linda's awakening was a process of discovering who she was, how she interacted with others, how she would fit into a new culture of women who loved women. For straight women, the awakening was to sexual desire and pleasure. They did not need to wake up to their sexual orientation because they belonged to the group with majority status--heterosexuality was assumed and fortunately it fit for who they were. For the lesbian women that I spoke with, awakening to sexual desire and pleasure came later.
They had to first wake up to their sexual orientation and accept that they belonged to a group that was not very acceptable to society. While the straight women were challenging the myth that women were not to enjoy sex, gay women had to first challenge the myth that women could only conceivably enjoy sex wit11 men.
However, there were similarities in these stories as well. In all cases, there was an experience of the oppression of sexuality. Jane, Suzanne and Marie commented on not enjoying sex and having a sense that they were missing out on something. Linda described herself as asexual and just didn't think about it. Sandy played the field with men and women, never really connecting with her lovers or feeling a sharing and authenticity in her sexual encounters. They hid from themselves and, at some point, they could not do this anymore. As Sandy stated;
The idea of living every second of every hour of every day of every week of the month trying to remember what you said or pretending that you're straight or pretending whatever, it just got really tiring --Sandy Women's Sexuality 168
For all of the women, there was an awakening to more than sex. It was an
experience of coming into themselves. They explained how the pieces of their lives and
their identity came together and made sense or how an aspect of themselves was brought
to life that before had been only a shadowy sense of something tucked away in them. And
for each of the women there was a series of circumstances which made the awakening possible, most commonly another person who suggested or accepted or supported their
coming out as sexual beings. These conditions of uncovering and understanding our
sexual selves are the next step in our exploring women's sexuality.
Conditions for Exploring our Sexual Selves
It was clear to me that sexuality was a key aspect of self-expression and identity.
So I was interested in what it was that kept women from expressing their sexuality in the
first place and what happened that made it possible for them to explore themselves more
fully. If women are to heal their sexuality, it is certainly valuable to hear from other women how that happened for them. Chapter Four presented many of the factors that play a role in women's positive expression of sexuality--having good sexuality education
and healthy relationships and positive feelings about themselves and their bodies.
However, more often than not, women experienced factors which inhibited their
development of sexuality. For some, they were aware that they were sexual, that they had
sexual desire and sensual feelings, but that they were also aware of consequences-- perceived or real--of women's sexuality. The conditions needed to be just right for them
to start overriding the fear that inhibited their exploration and expression of themselves
as sexual. Women's Sexuality 169
Conseauences of Women's Sexuality
Marie alluded to the idea that expressing sexuality was somehow wrong. She was not sure what the consequences might be but felt a lingering feeling that women were not supposed to express the sexual and sensual feelings that she felt in herself;
I really have felt very sexual, very sensual all along. It was just not wise to express that... I thought that, somehow, it would come back very negatively.... The sexual revolution happened... in the 70s and I was just newly married at the end of the 60s. So that kind of liberalization of woinen didiz 't really aflect me in the same way that it maybe did for women who were still single. The whole time I was married to my first husbaizd, there was still tlzat lingeringfeeling that women weren 't supposed to enjoy sex or be sexual. --Marie
Jane expressed a similar sentiment, referring to choosing when to let people know she is lesbian and knowing how much to say about it. Her sexuality was something that she was sometimes careful about revealing, knowing that she has something to lose in certain situations, with certain people, by being open about who she is;
There's sometiines when you just don't have anything to lose and it doesn't matter and there other times when you have to be a bit more careful about what you say and how you say it. --Jane
Lou did not seem to have any of these concerns about the ramifications of expressing her sexuality. From what she told me, she expressed herself and if others had problems with that then she let that be their problem. But she articulated for me what she saw as the consequences of her open expressions of sexual desire and pleasure. Women enjoying sex was both exciting and intimidating for men. They internalized the idea that
"good girls don't" and weren't sure what to do with good girls who do. So women like
Lou risked shattering their expectations, incurring disapproval and possibly rejection; Women's Sexuality 170
I encounteredproblems with men. Men are absolutelyfascinated with women who like sex but they're not quite sure that it S normal and natural. And I've often equated it in conversations with my women friends--and with some of my men friends too--the man loved the idea of having a whore in the bedroom or what they think is a whore, but they're always terrij?ed that if they're out in public, the whore might come out in the street. So they can't sort out a lack of sexual inhibition and an actual enjoyment for sexual activity with a "good girl." And especially in my age group--I'm 58--most of the men in my age group were indoctrinated to believe that women didn't really enjoy sexl which is a real disadvantage. And talking to some of my women friends who are in my age group, they have the same problenzs. I have one friend and we both had the same
experience and of being asked by a man, "What are you, a nymph or something? " I mean, that stops you dead. That says it's okay for him to be sexual but not you. - -Lou
That Lou and her friend were called nymphomaniacs for enjoying sex sends the very strong message that women's sexual desire is considered pathological. As Lou says, it stopped her dead, letting her know that it was not okay for her to be sexual. There needed to be other factors in place in a woman's sense of herself as sexual to override these kinds of direct and invalidating messages.
Again, the consequences were even more complex for lesbian women, who were dealing with the double-minority status of being sexual and being gay. Jane mentioned the sense of isolation that comes of being in a relationship because she had to monitor what she said and did in front of others. Added to that was the fear that she could be attacked for expressing her sexual orientation;
It's isolating even having a relationship with another woman, like you wouldn't walk down the street holding your partner S hand. When you buy a house together and your neighboui-s are always wondering what's happening. Nothing's acceptable. You have to hide the way you are in society when you 're out all the time and it takes its toll.... You live with this little bit offear all the time that sometlziilg might happen. In a heterosexual relatioizship you don't think twice about any of that. --Jane Women's Sexuality 171
Sandy conunented on the fear of expressing her sexuality--a fear that existed both when she came out and when she was in the closet. When people first found out she was gay, they responded with negativity and rejection. If she was open, she had to live with the fear of people not liking her and when she hid her sexuality she lived with the fear of them finding out about her. Just as Linda consciously chose to become a "stoic" to keep from being hurt, Sandy's life as a gay person was something that she chose to hide as an act of self-preservation. Ironically, her "back alley" lifestyle opened up new dangers because of the gay bashing of the times and it still kept her from being genuinely close to others;
When I look back, when I'd been in my 20s, I had been married for seven and a Izalfyears. When I told my girlfiend and her husband that I was breaking up with iny husband, well, holy Christopher. That's when the negatives started setting in and it didn 't get any better for along tinze. So being gay was going to Vancouver, going into back alleys and throzlglz the back doors to places and down to the baseiizeizts to tlze gay clubs, lzopiizg wheiz you caine out that nobody was going to see you or attack you. They were extremely rough in those days. --Sandy
Sandy's fear was closely linked to her mother's intense homophobia. For Sandy, the consequences of expressing her sexuality included the hatred and threats of her mother. Like most of us, she wanted to be loved most of all by her mother;
[The fear camefi-om] people not liking nze. Aizd, ofcourse, my mother. My mother knew when Ifirst came out because she found me at this woman 's house and she said to nze, did I izot realize whose house I'm at. And I said, "Yes, I do. Would you not think that maybe I am too?" Well, she whisked me off to a psychiatrist so quick you couldn't see... Isuppose that's been my biggest fear is my mom. She's been a very very strong strong woman and she told me that, ifmyfather ever found out what I was doing, she would kill me. Those were her words.... You know, izo wonder these kids kill thenzselves. I did not have enough confidence to deal with [being gay] at a very early age. I mean, heck, I had a hard enough time figuring out how to handle my mother as an adult. As a child, I think that would just be awful. I mean, to think that soineone would say to a kid what my mother Women's Sexuality 172
said to me as an adult, 'Yfyourfather finds out you 're gay, I'll kill you, " or 'v you 're going to be gay, I'd rather you were dead, " or "The best thing to come along was AIDS because it kills queers. " --Sandy
The messages that Sandy received were more intense and overt than the messages others got about the consequences of expressing their sexuality, but it is important to recognize how they are part of the same continuum. The oppression of sexuality for all of these women, gay or straight, was part of the same broad systemic force, They may have experienced it somewhat differently but all felt the need to keep sexuality hidden from others and even from themselves, all noted that there were negative messages and consequences that encouraged them to hide. Only Nancy was able to acknowledge the system but use her strong, independent, educated upbringing to protect against it. For other women, it was not until much later in life that they gained the permission to explore their sexuality in the face of such negative messages.
Permission to Explore our Selves
Women's exploration of sexuality came as a result of external circumstances and internal resources combined. While their earlier experimentation with sex seemed to be something that just happened to them, this exploration was consciously chosen and actively pursued. Lou's explorations were driven by her interest in sex. In some part of her, she knew that it was not her who was abnormal even when she was being sexually abused by her husband and called a nympho by her lovers;
I think it has to be an intelligent, well-thought-out move. I have a very inquiring mind and there's nothing I like better than to learn and to search out information.... I liked sex far too much not to. And I was open and admitted it and refitsed to be judged abnormal for it. --Lou Women's Sexuality 173
Jane and Marie again commented on the inner sense of themselves as sexual and a feeling that they were missing out on something. At some point, they could no longer ignore their sexual desires and the lack of fulfillment in their marriages. Each woman shared how she was able to take steps to change her situation;
When Ijnally felt strong enough to take a step to be in a different kind of relationship, Ifound out, gee, there was a bonus of sex along the way. I think sexual desire had a lot to do with becoming brave enough to take that step. I think you coine to a place in time where you think, there's got to be nzore to sex than this. --Jane
There was this inner sense in nzyselfthat there was something that I was missing. And maybe thisjob and starting to look at the idea of healthy sexuality brought it out so it was revealed to me what was missing. I had some sense of it. --Marie
Being able to explore sexuality was not based on one thing but on the culmination of many circumstances. For Marie, she began a job working with women's reproductive health issues and became more aware of feminism and women's equality. Suzanne and
Jane left marriages, went back to school, and found more affirming relationships. Sandy's example is perhaps most obviously an interplay of events. She began a new job in a gay- positive environment after several months on sick leave and in therapy. In her first week, a notice came through about a group for women questioning their sexual orientation. She wrote down the information and the note was gone within an hour. A co-worker approached her and suggested that she should go to this group. And she phoned and got right in without having to be on the waiting list. In the group, she met Leah and they moved from friendship to romantic partnership in a short period of time following the group ending; Women's Sexuality 174
I thought, "Well, I've got my new job and I've got my new identity and I'm gonna put on my new coat and be gay and now I'm going to take this course. "It was tlze most wondeYfu1 thing I've ever done in my life to really be able to sit there and talk to people and not be afraid. --Sandy
For Jane, the transition she experienced is part of a stage that she sees many women go through as they grow older and gain the space and permission to reflect more
on their lives and what they need to be happy. Breaking out of the boundaries of cultural
expectations means that they can explore the full range of options and choosing those that might be a fit for them personally. Jane commented on her awareness of the fluidity of women's sexuality;
We're socialized to be in relationships with men and we grow up doing our thing because we think it's the right thing to do. A lot ofpeople that I know, as they've become older, they've started thinking about things a little bit more and maybe breaking out of those boundaries a bit more and lots of them are looking more at the same sex relationships now than they were in marriages to begin with .... I think it's about giving yourselfpermission to listen to what your body is saying to you and your head is saying to you. I don't know what it is, if it's pei71zissioiz or if women take more time to be kind of more reflective about their lives and what happens. --Jane
The self-reflection that Jane speaks of is key to women's transitions in their
sexuality. Having permission to reflect and consider options is very much about valuing
one's inner voice. In a generation where women were expected to put others' needs
ahead of their own, this inove toward self-care is a shift in itself. Loretta has taken herself
"off the shelf' and it has given her permission to pursue a dream of going to university;
I always called it putting myselfon the shelfbecause something else had to be done that was more inzportant. Since I've gone back to school, this is just totally new. Like, I'm a student number one, and I'm a friend and, you know. This is tlze Prst time ever that I have that luxury where I don't have to consider anybody else at all. And it's hard to do. --Loretta Women's Sexuality 175
Suzanne also pursued university education as part of her shift toward self-care.
Her life now feels like a reward for having given herself fully to the roles of wife and mother for many years;
The greatest rewards in my life came from my role as a mother. The student thing is my reward for that in the sense that now I can go do what I want to do for me now that I've done what I wanted to do for them. --Suzanne
Jane and Marie also spoke of the influence of being a mother on delaying their explorations of self. I did not ever get the sense that there was regret or resentment for the energy that parenting had taken away from their self-exploration. However, mothering was seen as a very selfless role. At some point when their children were grown, being without a self was extremely dissatisfying. They went back to school and back to work.
They gained a greater sense of independence and accomplishment. And they began to think about what they needed to make them happy through the rest of their lives.
I think when you 're a mother ofyounger children, you 're so wrapped up in providing for your children and nzyjrst marriage was such a disaster in that theirfather was not a father, He was an alcoholic and so I felt that I had to do double duty. I had to be mother and father for them. So my whole being was for them. And then there was a point in time when I had to start recognizing that I had to do soine things for me too. And it seeined to all come at the same time and just has grown and grown aizd grown. --Marie
I think [being a parent] really alters the way you see yourselfin the world because you give up a lot wlzen you have kids aizd you kind of have to put their needs ahead ofyours and lots of times your needs get left in tlze dust. I was really iininersed in looking after those kids. Then I went to university aizd did a lot of stuffin a coilzpressed ainount of time. It was a really busy time in my life. So I think probably developmentally Ijust had tinze to think about those things, to think about me and what I was going to do and Jzow Ifelt about things in tlze world. I thought about that a lot, what would it take to make me happy. But I didn't get to think about those things until I had more tinze. And also I was forty when I left my husband and I think that's a big developmental time for women when they start to review what they've done. --Jane Women's Sexuality 176
Jane described this period in her forties as a "big developmeiztal time for women" and I heard that sentiment echoed in many ways. For instance, Linda talked about this period as a second adolescence for her. As most women were married and mothers in their early twenties, there was not a lot of permission early on for them to be "finding themselves." AS the comments of "sexy older women" in Chapter Four suggest, the time around the forties is a coming out for many women; their sexual desire, sexual orientation, individual wishes, and personal strength emerged as part of their authenticity and identity.
Finding; Role Models
Women mentioned several conditions for their permission to explore sexuality and sexual identity--their children being older and less needy, the financial and social independence of returning to work, the consciousness-raising of feminism and exposure to women's liberation. One of the key elements to women exploring sexuality seemed to be the discovery of role models for what women's sexuality could be like. Part of women's transitions in understanding sexuality was defining where they fit into this new way of being sexual. Nancy was the only one who described having discussions about won~en'ssexual desire with her mother. Other women were left with the model of women as reluctant sexual partners or bad girls. All of the women spoke of the lack of role models for older women as sexy and sexual. As Sandy and Linda note, the idea of role models for being both gay and sexual were perhaps the most rare of all;
I was pretty horrified because most of the [gay women] looked like men and that's one thing I had trouble with, was that ifI wanted to be with a woman, why Women's Sexuality 177
would I be with someone who looked like a inan? I might as well stay married. This really butchy routinejust didn't do much for me. ... You had to be either a femme or a butch or you didn 'tfit in at all and that certainly left me swinging in the breeze. --Sandy
In my early lesbian career, I used to hang out at the bar and go to the dances and hang out with strictly other gay women. I think I was trying topnd where Ifit into that society or that culture. --Linda
Linda had examples of actual people who were gay and not "freaks." She knew that lesbians were real people but she still did not know how she would fit in as one of them;
I don 't think that I ever thought that it wasn't a normal way of being. I think because I knew people who were gay. I knew them as people .... And they weren 't weird or freakish or sickos or whatever else you want to call it. They were just real people. --Linda
At the same time as Linda said she understood lesbianism to be a "normal way of being," she lacked role models for how that would actually look. In her discussion of her identity transition, Linda returned to her experience of seeing the movie, "Desert Heart."
The sex scene between two women aroused her desire and satisfied her curiousity. It gave her a model of how warm and beautiful lesbian sex could be and affirmed her self- discovery;
That was one of those things that you say, "It can be!" I had no concept of two women together and it was soft and it was wann. It's that soft and warm that I keep coming back to. --Linda
One of the circumstances that supported Sandy's transition was being given a book about lesbianism by a friend. Sandy relied on the character in this book to let her know that she could be both gay and a whole person. Her comment represents a profound example of how silence around sexuality keeps women from exploring their self Women's Sexuality 178
Iguess I got to a point where I was really very very very tired ofjust having to pretend all the time.... I decided that I was going to go on to a newjob and I was going to be the real me. And a friend of mine bought me a book called "Choices" by Judy Nelson. And I read that book and it was thejrst time I could actually say that I read about a gay woinan who actually had a name, who actually had a brain, who wasn 'tjust beautiful to look at but actually was a whole being. And that was the inost startling thingfor me--Ifinally realized that a gay person really really could be a person, a whole person. --Sandy
Other role models came from television and there was an acknowledgment of how
things are changing somewhat in the media. To a certain extent, gays and lesbians were
being shown not only as stereotyped caricatures or objects of sexual deviance but also as
whole people. Sandy especially identified with characters such as the one portrayed by
Ellen Degeneres and noted people that she'd seen interviewed on Oprah;
The TV is vely good now, to a point. Tlzey can certainly inassacre stufl nzalie something seem horrzfic or weird. But there are some really good ones too. They're now finally bringing on gay girls that look like girls and showing people that "it could be anybody. "Just because she has short hair and wears jeans all the time doesn't mean she's gay. And I'm sure it was watching a lot of the shows
on television that said, "It 's okay to be gay, " that gave me permission to say, "Yes, I am. And I'm still a nice person. "--Sandy
Exposure to people who looked like real people, acted and talked like real people, and were gay, was about exposure to a part of herself that was otherwise very frightening to access. The word "permission" comes up several times in women's discussions of
exploring who they were sexually and otherwise. The consequences of being sexual that
many had experienced or perceived had the effect of shutting off their sexual selves.
Sexuality was pushed underground. These women were aware on some level that it
existed but could disconnect from it and thus remain safe and acceptable. Having space
and energy, having sexually affirming partners, having role models for sexuality, helped Women's Sexuality 179
them make a transition where sexuality came out into the open and integrated into their
being whole people.
Becominq Whole
Transitions in sexuality were inextricably connected with transitions of identity.
Women's awakenings to sexuality came in the context of exploring who they were, and
who they were was changed or clarified by their awakening to sexuality. Marie notes
how evolving as a person and evolving as a sexual being went hand in hand. She cites
this as part of the reason for sexuality being so rich in her older years; she has integrated
all aspects of herself and thus can experience pleasure more fully;
I think you have to evolve as a person too and that's part of the sexuality. I think if it was jut sex without tlze evolving of the person, it might not be as positive. I don 't know ifyou could evolve as a sexual person without bringing along the evolving ofyou as a person or you as a woman. And that S why we, as an older group, can really and truly experience pleasure--because we pull it all together. - -A4arie
Although the awakenings of sexuality were often described as pieces of their lives
fitting together really quickly, the process of becoming whole and authentic is a longer journey. Jane and Suzanne commented on the ways in which they are still getting used to
asking for what they need and expressing their feelings;
I want to be more courageous in saying what I need out of life. I'd like to be able to get angry for a change and to say this is what I need and this is what I want. -- ~ane
I remember one of the strongest things that hit me when I$rst got my divorce was the whole issue about "what do I want? "And I'm still not good at that after ten years. I 'in getting some good ideas about what I don 't want and I guess that's a step but when it comes to "what do I want? "--I don't know, get it and try it and if it doesn't work, throw it out. --Suzanne Women's Sexuality 180
For some women, knowing what they need and how they feel is a difficult shift in itself, one that has to occur before they can make the shift to voicing those needs and feelings to others. What these women seemed to be striving for was greater authenticity and this required some courage in challenging the expectations for women to be selfless and nice. The honesty and courage that it took to challenge myths related to sexuality had a ripple effect, bringing a more genuine way of being to other aspects of women's lives.
They didn't have to pretend anymore and the energy that went into suppressing their feelings and desires and monitoring every action and word was now freed up to give to living;
I used to watch Oprah and heard, 'Oh, ifyou tell the truth it will make you feel better, ' and I thought, 'What a bunch ofpoppycock.' Well, you know, funnily enough, it's true. But it took me about 13 years to do it. And I guess I wasn 't ready to do it, which isfine. But I think of all those years I wastedpretending and wondering ifpeople really know me as I am.... I'd go out there and play and then I'd come back home. And I can be me at night but tomorrow morning at work, I5n this other girl. Whereas now, I'nz pretty well me all the time. --Sandy
I felt quite a bit happier and I felt a lot more honest. Iguess that was the big piece, being honest with mysey When I wasjinally thinking about my orientation and what have you, it made me be really honest in that spectrum of my life but then it just opened up the way for honesty throughout. --Jane
I think that part of the reason that women volunteered to participate is that there was a sense of excitement at having found themselves and they wanted to share what they learned. Here I was, eager to hear it! They told me about having a rich and complete life now where sex was a wonderful part of their self-expression. I was struck by the sense of gratitude and elation women expressed about how they feel. Linda said that she felt like broadcasting her discovery to the world; Women's Sexuality 18 1
I used to joke with my friends at the time... about wanting to take outfiont page ads in the paper. --Linda
Both Sandy and her partner talked about how freeing and wonderful it felt to be able to be themselves. Leah is Sandy's 35-year-old partner. She was present for all of my meeting with Sandy and added many of her own thoughts towards the end of our time together. Part of the exhilaration they both express comes from being in love with each other. The connection and happiness of their relationship filled the room as we spoke;
I'm exceedingly happy now. I've never been happier. It's just wild what's been happening. It S almost spooky, it truly is. It's been wonderful. It's great. But I can't believe this has really happened. When you live the negative of something into your 50s' you've got to have a little bit of time of saying, "God, this isn't really going to happen. " It happened and I'm not going to question why or any of that. It was meant to be and I'm just happy it did. --Sandy
One day I went into my therapist and said, "Do you know what? I'm a lesbian. And you know what else? I feel so good. I am finally put together. " I said, "I've never had sex with a woman before but I know exactly what it feels like. I know where my sex is. I know that I'm going to love sex now. I've been trying tofigzae out why I love sex but I don't love sex. What's not fitting here?" --Leah
Jane was another woman who had not been able to understand why she wanted sex but did not ever enjoy it. Like Leah, being with a woman opened the door for her to express herself. It was not as much about the sex as it was about the closeness and freedom. The sex was a gift that arose out of that and Jane felt gratefbl for having found it after knowing what it was like to live without such intimacy and pleasure;
I really like the company of women in a close relationship and a romantic relatioizship and I never liked sex until I was with a woman. I've never really liked it at all so that's a huge thing for me is to have a place where you can express yourselfsexually and it doesn't feel wrong. It's just like a total gift all of a sudden to have that in your life when you lzaven 't had it before. --Jane Women's Sexuality 182
Sandy echoes Jane's message that sexuality is more rich and wonderful when coming from a place of wholeness. She made the distinction between her earlier experience as fragmented and what sex is like for her now after her transition;
Sex is the most wonderful thing in the world when you're a whole person, when yoti 're a whole happy person yourseg I could stand up in front of 100 people and say that for sure. I'm a nice person and I'm gay. I've stayed whole. I don't have tofragment aizynzore. --Sandy
The idea of wholeness that came through in my analysis really did resound in the language that women used to tell their stories. As Sandy says, she was disconnected before and now she is whole. That shift has made a difference in how she experiences sex. Marie and Jane also articulate how sexuality connects with the idea of wholeness;
As I get older I realize that, yes, we really and truly are sexual beings tlzroziglzout our whole life and I think that, at this age, we have the ability to be the most sexual that we've ever been because we can truly appreciate each other in our bodies and ourselves and we're becoming more part of the whole person and sexuality is part of that whole. I think when yotr 're younger and you 're very sexually active, you can't appreciate the whole. Sex is just one part but you haven 'tput the whole together yet. --Marie
It's about wholeness, about being a whole person and sex is part of that. Sexuality and sex and all those things coinplete a person. So when you're missing that piece, it's as though there's always something wanting. It seemed to me that there was always something wanting in different parts of my life. It's just like not being able to have the things that you know you need in order to make yourselffeel together and whole. So when you get it--it shifted the way I saw inyseg --Jane
As we become better able to put together the things that make up our whole person, so do we get better at knowing what we need and want to make sexuality a fully satisfying part of our lives. Just as sexuality influences self, so does self influence sexuality. Far from being only linked to relationships with others, Suzanne articulated how sexuality plays into various aspects of who she is on a daily basis. Sexuality is Women's Sexuality 183 linked to her confidence, her creativity, her outlook and the way that she shares herself with others;
Whenever Igo into a phase of feeling good about myselfl'm much more aware of my sexuality, of body image, of the way that I relate to people--male and female. I'm just more optimistic, more open, more willing to share myseg Another way that I notice it is in creativity because when Ifeel good about myselfiny whole persona changes and I want to do something. I want to make things. I guess that's expressing myselJ:Sexuality is tied into just everything. --Suzanne
Wholeness and Mothering
Sexuality clearly influenced the way that these women saw themselves as people and as women. It affirmed the sense of who they were that might have developed further in their twenties if they had the space and permission to explore it then. As many women had married and had children in their twenties, it made sense that their sexual awakenings in their forties might have also influenced their sense of themselves as mothers. Marie responds to my question about whether her experience of awakening affected how she saw herself in various ways;
Oh yes, very much so. I think it made me much more conscious. And it's really interesting because I think it S all very much tied in with being in thisjob as well. I've alwaysfought for my independence and to be my own person. And that awakeningjust conjirmed that.... And I think, in some ways, my children gained nzore respect for me too because, although they had recognized over the years that I was married to their father that I was independent and had a life of my own, this was just conprming that I was strong in their eyes. They were old enough to be observant and see it. --Marie
Other women also commented on the impact that their transition to wholeness had for their children. They were able to be role models for their children of what it looked like to be a sexual woman and a happy person. The issues of sexuality education, sexual Women's Sexuality 184 desire, older women's sexuality, and role models all came together for women and this influenced how their children were exposed to issues of women's sexuality;
I was single and I made no bones about thefact that I was sexually active. That was not hidden or disguised in any way. My marriage was very much a non- touching thing so the idea that I might be a sexual person would have taken quite a different shift for the kids .... I think it's important to let your kids know that it's okay to be a sexual being. And that, even though they don't want to know you are, they should know. It shouldn't be hidden or that kind of thing. Well, okay, so they wandered in, yes. You don't want them to stay and watch but don't go berserk either. --Suzanne
Sandy and Leah were also letting Leah's children, aged 12 and 9, see an alternative way for adults to love one another. They emphasized that there was no expectation that the children would be gay or straight, just that they would be happy and have the opportunity to explore sexuality in their own way. It was important to them that the kids see a same-sex love relationship as a normal way of being;
The lids see us hug. They've probablj) seen zrs kiss. The))'re going tofind out that it caiz be a loving, happy relationship and it's nonnal. I'm sorry but it's a normal thing, no matter what society says. Anything where it's true love and there's a sharing and a caring, it's normal. Love is normal. --Sandy
The main emphasis was on modeling the power of love and wholeness. As Leah notes, her children have responded to seeing how confident and comfortable their mother is with a confidence and comfort of their own;
She knows that I anz so much happier now with who I am, with revealing how I anz inside nzyseg with 7nyselJ with 7ny sexuality, and I don't have the tension that I used to because I don't have to hide it. And my son who is twelve can come and he caiz cuddle with us. He just snuggles right up. He S so relaxed. He never used to joke and tease. He has metamorphosed in who he is since I have made these changes in my life. --Leah Women's Sexuality 185
Like Sandy and Leah, it was important to Jane that her sons understand what was happening in her transition. She saw it as a chance for them to see alternative ways for people to love one another and to open up discussions with them that they might not otherwise have had.
I sat down and talked to them quite a bit about, this is someone I really love and I fn going to be sleeping with her and she's going to be sleeping here. I think for my boys it kind of opened up a topic that would have never come upfor lots of kids in lots offamilies about sexuality and orientation. It's made them see that there are more possibilities in the world than just heterosexual couples. There's lots of different combinations that people canJind happiness and love within. While I was kind of trying to explore it for myseg I had to make sense of it to talk to the boys about it as well. --Jane
Jane's sons were teenagers at the time and watched her changing and growing.
She spoke with them openly about sexuality and orientation, wanting them to understand her and to have permission to voice their own feelings. As she became a happier and more authentic person and communicated with her boys about this transition, their relationship became more and more connected. Their acceptance was an important part of her accepting herself;
I think the boys have benefited because they know that people don't live this fairy book life; that there's ups and downs andpeople feel sad and go through it. And you know, all of that's okay. And they were really, really accepting. I think that, for me, that was a really huge thing for me to be able to talk to them about that and know that they loved me no matter what. --Jane
The closing words on becoming whole go to Sandy and Leah. Towards the end of our meeting, they had a conversation that I think expressed the meaning and power in the connection between sexuality and wholeness;
Leah: You 've been looking at who you are for a long time. Youfinally haveJit sexuality into who you are as a person and allowed it to stay and it's all Women's Sexuality 186
blossorzzed. It's opened up. And for myselftoo, maybe in a different order but in the same respect. Sandy: I like that word "totality" because that's exactly what it is.... Sexuality's become a part of me as a whole. But straight people who look at me will see me either as Sandy OR as being gay--at least they would have at one time. And I've heard it enough times that I know that people say, "Well, geez, how could she want to sleep with a woman?" That's not what Sandy is.... It's not who I am or what I am. Now I know what a loving sexual relationship is. I did not know that before. LA:It allows you, in that loving sexual relationship, to go out there and be a person that has a woizderful sense of humour, that has a wonderful time being with other people, that has a wondeiful time being with children and with other adults, with men, with women, because youprecomfortable being inside your sexuality. Sandy: Absolutely. For thefirst time in my life, I'm a whole person. And I feel it. It's the strangest thing. Like, my favourite time now isjust to go to bed andput my arm around her and go to sleep. And I always said, one thing I wanted was to be able to lay on the couch with someone who loves me and watch a movie. You know? That sort of closeness thing. It's just the most fulJilling thing. Whereas before, it always had to be the sex act. That was it. L&: Thelee'sjust a lot of sexuality expressed in an embrace.
Sandy and Leah tell of the difference between sex and sexuality that has characterized women's discussions of sexuality throughout the last two chapters of this document. Sex is about the act and it is partial and incomplete. In some cases, sex is degrading because it reduces people to being nothing more than sexual beings. Sexuality is when people experience themselves as sexual beyond the limitations of sex. All the humour, strength, faults, and beauty which make us human are also part of what makes us sexual in the most whole and profound way.
An Added Note on Becoming Whole
I am aware that the above section focuses on the comments of Suzanne, Marie,
Lou, Sandy, Jane and Linda. This is not to suggest that Brenda, Loretta, and Nancy did not also have things to say about wholeness and sexuality. Their experience of this Women's Sexuality 187 concept was different for many possible reasons. For Brenda, sexuality was very tied up in her experience of her disability and her body image. Many of her comments in Chapter
Four describe her experience of having surgeries and beginning to feel more normal, of finding a loving relationship and beginning to feel more loved. While I might interpret this as her coming to a place of wholeness, she did not describe it as such. From our follow-up interview, I came to respect that her experience of sexuality did not include the kind of awakening and emergence of sexual desire that characterized some women's stories.
Loretta spoke of waiting to have an awakening of sexual desire, of wishing for the kind of relationship which provides passion and sexuality in the context of love, intimacy, and vulnerability. Just as Marie and Jane described an awareness of "missing something" in their marriages, Loretta seems still to be searching for what they eventually found. She explains how her need for sex and intimacy to be connected has actually been problen~aticin her relationships with men;
I would say we had a fairly good sexual relationship but I could not separate the dijficulties and problems from my sexual reactions. I think men can do that more easily, isolate sex from the day to day stufl Quite often, that's what kind of fuces eveiything for men. I think women have a harder time doing that in a relationship. When tlzere 's other pressures and dqficulties and stresses, I don't know what other women do but for mnyseK it definitely affects nzy feelings of sexuality. That's become an issue in both of my long-term relationships. The more we fought the less sexual I was. --Loretta
For Nancy, the experience of sexuality and wholeness was different still. She was the rare and hopeful example of someone for whom sexual desire was assumed and sexual equality was expected. Her parents gave her a sense of herself as whole from the Women's Sexuality 188 start and didn't leave sexuality out of that picture. I am still awed by the significance of
Nancy's mother telling her that women got sexier after menopause, letting her know not only that women felt desire but that it might get stronger with age. Just as significant was the sense of strength and independence that was fostered in Nancy;
172 nzy family, it was wonderful to be a girl. My dadjust loved his daughters and he was great with girls and women. I think it was very useful. Now I can see Izow useful it was. --Nancy
Although she was growing up in the thirties when women had only just been declared as persons under the law, her family gave her the sense that "it was wonderful to be a girl." Nancy spoke of how her dad encouraged her to be independent and strong. He let her do any of the work on the farm that boys would do and told her that she needed to be able to look after herself;
My sisters don't have quite the saine perceptions I've found out over the years. But I think my dad didn't tlzink I'd ever get married aird have sor7zebody to look after me, so to speak. What a joke. Because he always told me I had to be able to take care of 1nyse6I sort of had the idea that they were the beautiful ones and they would probably catch husbands. Now what that did for my sexuality, I don't know. And I doiz 't ever think I wasn 't attractive. I never had that feeling that I wasn't but I suspect it had to do with because I was fairly outspoken. --Nancy
While I cringe at the implication that Nancy's being smart and outspoken meant that she might have more trouble finding a man to look after her, I also celebrate that it led to Nancy being encouraged to feel confident, capable, and deserving of respect. It is interesting that the oldest of the women I spoke with was also the one who had the most positive experience of sexuality throughout her life. For Nancy, the permission to be sexual and the assumption that this would fit with her sense of being a whole person was Women's Sexuality 189 there all along; her sexuality was assumed rather than something that she needed to grow into.
The Wisdom of Older Women
There were so many powerful comments made by women during our meetings that I chose to include some of them here. Their reflections on sexuality led to many other pieces of wisdom about aging and being a woman. Nancy believes in the power that women have throughout their life to create life and to make changes in the world. The positive image that her family gave her about being female was not diminished by her experience of women's oppression and struggle. As a nurse and as a feminist, she used her position to try to make things better;
I know there S no choice but I think I would like being a woman better than I would like being a man,JI-ankly.I think women have a ton ofpower about everything, including raising children and making changes. I think women are maybe fearful of doing that, maybe theyfeel less wontaitly. I I-eally like being a woman and I like the thoughts of sex and I like the thoughts of maybe even having some more some day. It's okay by nze. --Nancy
Lou notes how aging has changed her perspective on things and given her the wisdom to handle different kinds of situations. She suggests that wisdom comes of difficult experiences that we learn to cope with through trial and error. Her message is important because it re-values the wisdom of aging and celebrates the struggles that she has had to get to where she is. In a culture that casts aside older people as no longer usehl or attractive, Lou is seeking another way of understanding aging.
I guess the thing is to learn to accept the agingprocess. And I maintain that, for me, life has gotten better with every decade. And I'm so much wiser now than I was when I was 20 and I look back and I think, "Oh my God, you were dumb." And I recognize that that's where we all start from. Usually, ifyou're not dumb Women's Sexuality 190
it's because you've had soine really serious stuffhappen to you in your life and you're trying to deal with it without having that wisdom. --Lou
Rather than wisdom bringing a certainty of what truth or reality is, the women that I spoke with talked of how their experiences had given them a more open mind and a greater tolerance for ambiguity. Suzanne's transition included moving from living in a rural community to being a city dweller and university student. Her beliefs changed somewhat but she is able to see things from both sides;
It's interesting because I can see both sides of the things now, the things that I used to believe then and the things that I believe now and why they were what they are. And I know full well that people who come from that kind of exposure are still going to have a lot of those beliefs that I don't have anymore. --Suzanne
Jane also comments on how knowing--and even self-knowing--are more flexible than she once thought;
I guess the older I get the less I can say what's really ti-ue and what's not. When I think of sexuality and identity and that change that I had, I think there was a whole bunch of things that kind of came together to give me a sexual ideiztity.... As all those things came together, I developed a much nzore solid andflexible view of myselfand my identity and my orientation. And I thinkflexibility is probably the big thing because I don 't think of orientation as being one thing or another. I think it is something that probably comes and goes for people over time. --Jane
Jane uses the words solid and flexible to describe her identity, even though those words might imply a contradiction to some people. I understand her to mean that the foundation feels strong but that she is more able to let herself move and explore through all the different parts of who she is and who she might be.
Of course, the key pieces of wisdom that these older women wished to pass on to others were about sexuality. In some cases, these bits of insight came spontaneously. In Women's Sexuality 191
others, I asked women to offer their advice to young women who were negotiating the paths of sex, sexuality and self. All of their messages centre back on the idea of self-
respect. We make healthier decisions from a place of wholeness and self-valuing,
whether the choices are about sex or about anything else.
I'd try to help them build up a good self-esteem so that they could feel good about thenzselves. I'd also, I nzean, in this day aizd age, you have to tell thein about the facts of life.... But I basically would try to instill in them that they were a good person and that they were valuable on this earth. It 's something I never felt. -- Brenda
I wouldjust encourage people to be who they are, not to be what the rest of the crowd wants you to be or not to think you have to live up to some image or whatever. Just be yourseF --Linda
The thing that I want to tell all young people about sexuality is the valuing yourselfthiizg. Don 't let it be a cheap experience. You just can 't anticipate all of the ways in which it impacts you because, having exposed yourselfto soi~zebodyto that degree, you've put your body physically at risk and you 'veput how you see yourself up for somebody else's evaluation.... Iguess I wouldjust really stress the fact that it is not a casual thing. It S not necessary in order to have a good relationship with somebody. --Suzanne
Ideally, what I'd like for thein to realize is that the physical act of having sex with somebody isiz 't necessarily love or intimacy or connectedness. It think it's, I don 't know, energy, need, desire, horinones. I don 't think that's the ~llzolepackage. -- Linda
I teach thern 20 be your own person. You don 't have to be absorbed by anybodj) else. --Nancy
Accessing women's wisdom was part of the experience of speaking to older
women, part of my goal in doing this research at all. Ultimately, I think that I learned as
much from them about life, about mothering, about being a woman, about being a
feminist, as I learned about sexuality. And this is not a failure in my attempts to Women's Sexuality 192 understand sexuality. Far from it. That I learned about all of these other aspects of being is part of the critical recognition that sexuality is all of these things.
In Summary
The last two chapters have covered the gamut of these nine women's experiences of sexuality. Women got information that told them sexuality was dirty and perverse or they didn't get much information at all. They fell into marriages and raising children because it was the expectation of the times. They grew into being able to make choices about their lives and their relationships, sometimes choosing to be single as a way of breaking free of the cultural expectations they felt limited their self-expression. They were influenced by feminism and free-love. They described poor self-esteem, heartbreaking relationships, and the frustrations of aging in a youth-centred culture. They experienced sex as boring, abusive, liberating, and loving. They celebrated the curative powers of sex for headaches, back pain, and suffering body image. They were caregivers and they were independent.
Some women uncovered their sexuality in passionate affairs and some in gay television characters. They discovered themselves in the process.
While this is an extremely simplistic view of the stories that women shared with me, it shows both the similarities and the discrepancies that characterize the last two chapters of exploring women's voices and their transitions towards wholeness. It took me an incredibly long time to write these chapters as I sorted through what women told me, what it meant and where it fit into the understanding I was getting from them all. I have attempted to stay true to their experience of sexuality, sharing what I think was the essence of our conversations and hoping that their voices have come alive on these pages Women's Sexuality 193 as they have in my own life. I step away now, bringing these nine women with me as I revisit the literature on women's sexuality, seeking fbrther understanding with their voices as my guide. Women's Sexuality 194
CHAPTER SIX
Permission to be Whole
My intent in this chapter is to bring together my understanding of what women told me about sexuality and identity with the literature on these topics and my own thoughts and reflections. I want to shed light on how women know themselves and where sexuality fits into that knowing. Of course, others may have different illuminations and meanings for the task at hand. As I acknowledged early on, the quotes that I selected and the meaning that I draw fiom them are based on my position in the research as a psychologist, a feminist, a thirty-something, soon-to-be-married woman--as an individual with a certain set of experiences and beliefs. This discussion is my own version of the meanings and lessons that arise fiom my immersion in women's sexuality over the past four years.
I begin my discussion with a review of how my understandings of women's sexuality fit with women's identity development. The last twenty-five years have provided some rich research and academic literature on women's epistemology (Belenky, et al., 1986; Jordan, 1997a; Miller, 1976). In particular, the work "Women's Ways of
Knowing" (Belenky, et al., 1986) forms a scaffold for my discussion of women's sexuality and identity. The epistemological scaffold holds up not only in our understanding of individual women's sexuality but also in our socio-historical and cultural understanding of sexuality. Our cultural ideas about sexuality influence individual views of sexuality but those individual views also influence our socio-cultural Women's Sexuality 195 perspectives. Thus, a discussion of women's constructions of sexuality must be placed in the context of the co-constructing milieu.
Beyond my discussion of sexuality and identity, I present my thoughts on the implications for counselling and therapy, for teaching our children about sex and sexuality, and for further sexuality research. I end this chapter with reflections on my own learning through this research content and process--the ways that I am affected as a person, a woman, a partner and a professional. As I have learned and changed through the privilege of this conducting this inquiry, I am called upon to share my thoughts in the hopes that it will teach and influence others.
Women's Sexuality and Identity
From the time that I have spent living with and interpreting the information that these nine women shared with me, certain words repeat themselves in my mind-- subjectivity, authority, silence, desire, consciousness, wholeness. These words speak to sexuality and to identity. On one of my long walks through the natural parks near my home, I spoke these words aloud, hoping for clarity (and hoping that no one would hear me). What emerged from my reflections are the parallels between my understanding of women's experience of sexuality and the women's identity literature presented as
Wonien 's Ways of Knowing (Belenky, et al., 1986).
The idea of received knowing, as presented in the identity model of Belenky and
her colleagues, connects to the parents, school, church and community who gave--or did
not give--these women information about their bodies and their sexuality. External
sources were the authority on sexuality for young women. Silence reigned when Women's Sexuality 196 authority's messages were inarticulate, tight-lipped, or punitive about women's sexuality.
Subjective knowing links to the sense that women had of being sexual, of having sexual desire, of there being more to sex than they were being permitted to know. Questioning, consciousness and wholeness related to the concepts of procedural and constructed knowing as women challenged external messages and integrated their own experience into different conceptions of sexuality.
What these women said about women's sexuality goes beyond this connection to the Wonzen's Ways of Knowing literature and both blends with and enriches other sources of knowledge about sexuality and identity. However, the identity model presented there provides a fitting framework for my discussion of research on women's sexuality. I am grateful to Mary Belenky, Blythe Clinchy, Nancy Goldberger and Jill Tarule for the inspiration that their landmark work continues to give to my understanding of women's psychology and identity, and now also to my learning about women's sexuality.
Received Knowing
The women that I spoke with talked openly about the messages that they received in various ways about women's sexuality. They were taught that men and women were inherently different and that women were more passive and nurturing than men. They were taught that heterosexuality was compulsory and that same-sex attractions were shameful and aberrant. They were taught that sex had a "smutty" side of degrading jokes and dirty magazines but they weren't taught anything to counter the smut. They were taught that certain people--old people, fat or unattractive people, disabled people-were Women's Sexuality 197 not sexual at all. They were taught that girls' sexuality was upsetting to their parents, that they would be called names or tracked down by their parents in the middle of the night if sexual activity was suspected. They were taught that women's sexual desire was shamehl and their bodies were a source of perversity. They were taught that their sexual explorations carried consequences--boys would talk, peers would assign them a bad reputation, and 'society' would mete out disapproval. At the same time, they were taught that women were more valuable when with a man, that women were in competition with other women for the best potential husbands, and that part of what made women especially valuable to men was their sexuality.
I Many of the women mentioned ways that they see things changing for girls now.
Some consider older women to be victims of their time. Sexuality is more openly discussed now and girls are more free to explore orientation and sexual pleasure in safe ways. However, all of the messages these women received are still present in the adolescent girls that I have worked with in counselling recently. My experience is confirmed by the work of authors such as Mary Pipher (1994), Sharon Thompson (1990), and Naomi Wolf (1 997).
Received knowing is called "pre-exposure and exposure" in cultural identity models (Cross, 1971, in Tatum, 1997), "passive acceptance" in feminist identity models
(Downing & Roush, 1985) and "undifferentiated faith" in spiritual identity models
(Fowler, 198 1). Received knowers accept the information that is given to them by people who are deemed to have knowledge or expertise on any given topic (Belenky, et al.,
1986). For some people, most obviously for children, everyone seems to know more than Women's Sexuality 198 they do. Parents, teachers, counsellors, television and magazines, rock stars and slightly older children down the street are all authorities. If these authorities are running about spouting damaging or conhsing messages, as with Sandy's mother and Lou's church representatives, then that is what the received knower knows. It is a highly vulnerable position. Sometimes, even one dissenting voice among the authorities can make an enornlous difference, as with Lou's experience of the priest who vehemently declared that our bodies and our sexuality were not sinhl or perverted. Nancy's mother shared with her valuing messages and accurate information, thus creating a different foundation for Nancy to be selective and critical of the other messages she received. Perhaps these are the seeds of resilience.
In many instances, women noted how men were considered to be authorities on women's sexuality. The phenomenon of male scientists and philosophers studying, pondering and doling out advice on women's sexuality extended to individual and ordinary men as well (Heidenry, 1997). These women married early and saved sex for marriage, expecting that their husbands would teach them what they needed to know.
They accepted the cultural scripts of their times. They learned that men were "pretty nzuch as dumb" as they were when it came to understanding sexuality and women's bodies.
Given the message that a woman was more valuable with a man in her life and that it was a woman's job to nurture the relationship, men became powerful voices in women's learning about sexuality. Leaving relationships became a painful sort of "giving up" as Loretta described it. In some cases, there needed to be an external reason for Women's Sexuality 199
leaving, such as Suzanne's affair, because the authorities declared that infidelity was a more acceptable reason to end a marriage than her subjective sense of unhappiness. In
Lou's case, she learned that sex could be wildly exciting but also violent and
manipulative. Perhaps men experienced a received knowing state as well, which taught
them that they were supposed to know about sexuality and not let on that they didn't, or
that women's sexual desire was non-existent, or that their pleasure was less significant
than men's. It was only in reflection that the women I spoke with were able to challenge
who was given authority status in their learning about their own sexuality.
A "received message" does not have to be purposefully transmitted. It need not be
comnlunicated in any overt manner. Much of what these women learned came out of the
silence surrounding sexuality. Jane described it as an "underground" way of learning
about sexuality. Sandy mentioned that sex was not talked about as dirty in her family; it just was not talked about at all. Brenda noted how, because of her disability, no one ever
looked at her as attractive or assumed that she might have sexual feelings. The silence
loudly communicated that women's sexuality was private, shameful, deviant. To speak of
something gives it acknowledgment and power. But to not speak of something, even
though it is a part of us and all around us, also gives it acknowledgment and power, just
of a different sort. Women felt guilty for having sexual feelings or they just stopped
having them at all. The messages of silence are not lost on received knowers.
Silence and Disconnection
I believe that silent knowers are created by a culture of devaluing, confusing,
violent messages. When our received knowing is profoundly unaffirming and when our Women's Sexuality 200 attempts at subjective knowing are foiled at some level, silence is a potential result.
Silence is a self-protective choice, an adaptation to an unsafe environment (Leroy, 1992;
Wolf, 1997). Linda chose to cut herself off, to become a "stoic" in order to avoid further hurt. Sandy chose to pretend to be straight because her attempts to come out were met with chastisement and rejection. Marie chose to ignore her sexual feelings because she feared the consequences of going against society's dictum that good girls don't.
Other women, such as Suzanne, Jane and Loretta, described themselves as becoming lost or "shelved" through their relationships of caring for others. Their silence was more subtle. They were unable to know what they knew, to voice what they knew.
They were unable to explore who they fully and authentically could be as people and as sexual beings. They became disconnected from their own needs and desires, their intellect and their power, from themselves and others. Women became mysterious to themselves and, thus, the silence was reinforced (Wolf, 1997). Their choice of silence can be seen as a form of resistance (Gilligan, 1991; Tolman, 199 1) but one which leaves them with a voiceless space where powerful constructions of womanhood should be (Bordo,
1997).
Disconnection, if the word is deconstructed, implies something that once was connected and then was dismantled, pulled apart or shut down. If we are to assume that humans are inherently sexual, as I do, then it is an act of violence which disconnects us from ourselves. Three themes of disconnection arose in my discussions with women.
First, women are disconnected from their own bodies and sexuality becomes foreign or separate from who they are. Second, lesbians have a unique experience of disconnection Women's Sexuality 201 in a heterosexist culture. Third, I acknowledge how older women experience silencing simply by going through the inevitable process of aging and thereby being pushed out of the little box where women can be labeled sexual or sexy.
Obiectification: Foreign Bodies. Part of the silencing of women's sexuality comes in making our bodies a foreign landscape, even to ourselves. As with other silencing influences, sometimes the messages were communicated directly and sometimes they emerged more subtly. Either way, the result seems to be a disconnection from our bodies.
The disconnection exists even at the most fundamental level in our lack of language for our bodies and our desires (Lerner, 1996; Valentich, 1990). Having been taught cute euphemisms, I had to get used to the sound of more appropriate names for women's genitals in order to counsel and research in the area of women's sexuality. Vulva vulva vulva clitoris clitoris clitoris. I had to release these words from the silence and thus release my body from its mysterious place. Nancy referred to sexual desire as, "that
horny feeling, " adding on, "ifyou don 't mind me using that word" as if mentioning being horny might offend me. How can we have a relationship with something we don't even have language for?
In addition to not having language, women spoke of lacking information. Their authored knowers neglected to tell them things about the functions and riches of women's bodies, leading to insecurity and shame, even fear and confusion (Daniluk, 1998; Leroy,
1993). Linda's experience of pregnancy was fun until she ran up against the end of her understanding of childbirth. She describes having her baby as frightening, "weird," saying she "didn't have a clue what was happening" to her. Giving birth "happened to" Women's Sexuality 202 her, as if without her permission or participation. Pregnancy and childbirth, in many ways, are women-defining phenomena and they are certainly profoundly embodied experiences. Linda's example demonstrates how women's bodies can be both sources of power and sources of oppression in one (Debold, et al., 1996).
Other women also noted the ways that they were taught to fear or distrust their bodies. Lou was told directly that women's bodies are perverse, dirty. I recall her example of the nuns teaching them that wiping themselves more than three times after using the bathroom was considered to be "playing with" themselves and was thus to be regarded with disgust. As sexologists of the 1920s hoped when they wrote their
"marriage manuals," men were the initiators of sex and the experts on women's bodies.
Women were still left out of the loop on their own sexual pleasure (Nye, 1999a). Making our bodies shameful and separate is about making us strangers to ourselves, strangers to our sexuality. It is about silence.
Women's bodies were separate from their personhood, thus opening the door for all kinds of abuses. Brenda experienced being medicalized and disfigured from a very early age because of her rheumatoid arthritis. She was particularly conscious of the power of other people looking at her, believing that, because they did not look at her with desire, she was not desirable. As she grew out of her silence, she would sometimes feel normal and capable and would forget that her body was not these things. Then she would catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror or would notice a stranger staring at her and the integration of her body and her person would disintegrate again. Sandra Bartky describes this experience of objectification: Women's Sexuality 203
As Sartre would say, I have been petrified by the gaze of the Other. My face flushes and my motions become stiff and self-conscious. The body which only a moment before I inhabited with such ease now floods my consciousness. I have been made into an object (Bartky, 1990, p. 27).
Sexuality is an embodied experience. Suzanne considers herself "almost asexual" when she is not feeling good about her body. Even now, her sexuality can be silenced by the objectification and unreasonable expectations of women's bodies in our culture.
Other women also acknowledged that they enjoyed sex most when they felt fully comfortable with, and present in, their bodies. Such body and self integration was not always easy to come by, especially from within the silence surrounding women's sexuality.
Lesbian Experience: Neither Seen Nor Heard. Silence was most profound for women who were lesbian. If the language for women's bodies and sexuality was hushed during the times that they grew up in, the language for homosexuality was literally non- existent. The word 'lesbian' was not part of vernacular until the late 1960s when lesbian voices joined the feminist movement (Nye, 1999a). John Heidenry (1997) writes about this lack of naming for lesbianism:
Many lesbians in the fifties knew mainly what they were not - heterosexual. Yet they were unable at the time to call themselves lesbians since the word simply had no vernacular currency. No popular literature (and very little professional literature) existed that talked about women having sex with other women. Everything about their sexual yearnings seemed a mystery, often clouded over with feelings of guilt and self-doubt (p. 104).
Linda mentioned her aunt, the "diesel dyke," as her only role model for a gay woman. Jane recalled asking her family about an aunt who lived with a woman all her adult life and realizing that no one ever thought that she might have been a lesbian. Women's Sexuality 204
Sandy met with her mother's intense homophobia when she mentioned her small town's known homosexual woman. Lesbianism was both silent and invisible. Oliva Espin (1996) refers to "lesbian immigrants" as not having a language, not knowing the customs, not having a community that they can feel connected to. They do not fit in. At best, they are ignored or dismissed and, at worst, they are hated and assaulted (Espin, 1996; Faderman,
1998; Zemsky, 199 1).
These women chose silence for a period of time as a means of fitting in. All three of them married and both Jane and Linda had children. Jane consciously pushed aside her same-sex attractions for nearly twenty years. She is still cautious about holding hands with a woman in public. Linda was a stoic, so she was safely disconnected from her own feelings. Sandy worked so hard at pretending to be straight that she developed rituals of sleeping with a man then a woman then a man so that it would all balance out. The homophobia she experienced was more profoundly silencing than any other women's experiences. Since lesbians were disgusting and aberrant, she had to face up to her own self-hatred in order to come out (Espin, 1996; Faderman, 1998). She stayed behind her shield until she was fifty years old, not able to risk displeasing her mother or alienating her friends. Sandy recalls the moment that she was confronted with her own inability to be knowable and vulnerable;
I always thought everybody knew me so well and I went to a fortune teller one time and she said that I was a very loving and conzpassionateperson but she said,
"You won't let anybody in. You don't talk about yourselJ:" So I sort of laughed about this. So when we left Iphoned an old friend of mine that I'd known for over 20 years and I think I said, "You 're not going to believe what this woinan said. She said I izever talk about myselfand nobody really krzows what I really feel about anything. " She said, "Well, she's right." I said, "What do you mean?! You've known me for 20 years." And she said, "That's right. And you never talk Women's Sexuality 205
about how you feel. " I said, "But I talk all the time. " She said, "Yes,you do. " And maybe that's part of it. I've never had much self-conJdence. I used to get mad because people would always talk to me but $1 had a problem, nobody was around to listen to me. But I was the office clown. I was the happy person. I wasn 't allowed to be upset or emotional in any way. So consequently, I never learned how to talk about it. --Sandy
Sandy's quote is extremely significant. She was not able to keep hidden only her sexuality. She also kept hidden what she thought, how she felt, who she was. Sexuality and self were silenced together. The consequences of breaking silence were too dire.
Ayina: The Stranger in the Mirror. Not all of the women that I spoke with felt they were old enough to comment on how aging had affected their sexuality. However, one message was very prevalent; there was a dysphoria in looking in the mirror and seeing an older face and an older body, in realizing that others no longer considered them to be attractive and sexy. This is what Pearlman (1993) calls "late mid-life astonishment." Suzanne and Loretta described a sense that their bodies had betrayed them by growing older, by getting thicker around the middle, by being stiffer and complaining more when they tried to exercise like they used to.
The media does not represent ordinary older women as valuable, exciting, sexual beings. Men like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere are paired with women leads like Anne
Heche and Winona Ryder--women who are at least young enough to be their daughters-- because Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon were busy playing matronly roles. As I discovered in my literature search, attention to older women's images is just as problematic in psychology and related disciplines. Where older women appear at all, it is from the perspective of deficiency and loss (Chrisler & Ghiz, 1993, Fooken, 1994).
Rather than academia informing and challenging culture, it often merely reflects it. In a Women's Sexuality 206 culture which prizes women for youth, thinness, and reproductive capacities, older women don't have a sense of being appreciated as attractive and sexual (Pearlman, 1993;
Wolf, 1991). Lou noted that she still felt sexy, even though she realized she was no longer seen that way by others. Thus, it was especially powerful for her attractiveness to be a affirmed by a male friend who knew she had lost a breast to cancer.
What makes the silence of later life different from the other types of silence is that it is culturally imposed. Other women often became silent as a means of protecting themselves from the consequences of expressing themselves, their feelings and their sexuality. Aging brought a silence and invisibility which the women I spoke to resented and resisted. They worked hard to have a voice and my sense was they now felt they were screaming in a crowd and no one was listening. Some women, like Nancy and
Marie, were trying to change this by reclaiming goddess language and identifying as crones. They celebrated the freedom of menopause and the wisdom of growing older.
They created women's circles and menopause workshops, trying to give a message that women's experience of aging did not need to focus on deficiency as was portrayed by our silencers (Carolan, 1994). They refused to accept the silence.
Subiective Knowing
Part of shattering the silence around women's sexuality involves a re-valuing of subjective experience as a valid way of knowing (Belenky, et al., 1986; Miller, et al.
1997; Pipher, 1994). Subjective knowing connects with the ideas of resistance and immersion in other minority identity models (Downing & Roush, 1985; Tatum, 1997). It is a process whereby authorized knowledge is challenged and people seek out new Women's Sexuality 207 experiences and relationships which support their inner awareness of desire, belief, and feeling. Often, a sub-culture develops to counter the dominant culture messages and support the resistance. Especially for women such as Linda, who experienced feeling different and isolated, finding a place of acceptance within a group was part of fostering individual identity (Cox & Gallois, 1996). Linda explains how going to dances and meeting other gay women was part of her learning about lesbian culture. Sandy's experience of meeting a group of women exploring orientation and sharing their stories of sexuality was critical to her self-acceptance process.
The women that I spoke to told of discovering messages that came from within and felt right, even though they went counter to the culture they had lived in up to that point. Lou discovered she didn't really want to be in a relationship, didn't really want to ever be married, and that she could still be heterosexual and sexual and likeable.
Suzanne, Jane and Loretta felt lost or "shelved" in their previous relationships and, through listening to themselves, they were able to start asking the all important question,
"what will make me happy?" Marie sought out an experience that would affirm that she was a sexual and sensual being, something she was disconnected from all through her first marriage. Given the permission to value their subjective knowing and act on their own needs and wants, these women began exploring wholeness of sexuality and self.
Subjectivity, as I understand it from the women that I spoke with, is a "sense" or an awareness of knowing that does not come from external sources and is not easily articulated. Subjective knowing becomes more conscious in reflection, as it is voiced and reflected by others (Belenky, et al., 1986; Jordan, et al., 1991). Many women used a Women's Sexuality 208 language of reflection and discovery, as when Loretta said many times during our conversation, "It S interesting when I thought back on it...."
Part of subjectivity seems to be a valuing of intuition and women's listening to their own bodies. Although the body was a source of dismay, betrayal and oppression in silent and received knowing states, it became a source of wisdom and energy as women allowed themselves to be guided by subjectivity (Bartky, 1997; Young, 1992). Women could see the strength and power of their bodies beyond function and aesthetics. Thus, their bodies and their selves could become integrated (Bonheim, 1997; Daniluk, 1993).
What women discovered from listening to their subjective knowledge was a
"sense" of being sexual, an "inner feeling" that there was something more to sex than they had yet experienced. Lou described how her husband was degrading and exploitative but, she said, "Istill didn 't lose my appetitefor sex or think it was wrong. I thought he was wrong." She still experienced desire and pleasure in sexuality and her body. She was able to listen to the voice that said there is more to sex than what her marriage was allowing for. Marie told me, "I think I always knew that I was a very sexual sensual kind ofperson" and thought in hindsight, "For solne reason, I'm not sure what... I was holding nzyselfback." It seems that their subjective knowledge was always there as a whisper that they did not listen to.
The "sense" of being sexual allowed women to talk about sex with other women and seek out affirmation of their desires. The received messages of "I need a man," or
"Good girls don't," or "I must look this way to be desirable and attractive," or "I can't be gay" suddenly lost their hold. Being real was more important, almost necessary, a hunger Women's Sexuality 209 that was waiting to be filled if life was to be truly lived. Sandy speaks of this authenticity as a kind of homecoming;
I guess I had been sad a lot and maybe that's what all that depression was because I wasn't allowed to be me.... It's so much nicei-just being yourselJ: It's so nice to come home. --Sandy
These women spoke of messages escaping the surrounding culture that kept them trying to be slim or a wife or a mother or a man-pleaser or a straight woman when this just did not fit for them. Sexual experiences, relationships, conversations, career transitions, late-night epiphanies, all permitted an awakening of subjective knowledge. It was a knowledge that they could not place, that they sometimes could not articulate. It was "just there," a way of knowing that was different from objective truth (Debold, et al.,
1996) and which, at some point, these women could not silence any longer.
Procedural Knowing
Procedural knowing is a mindful process of blending our subjective knowledge with an analysis of external knowledge sources, not unlike what cultural identity models refer to as integration or internalization (Downing & Roush, 1985; Tatum, 1997). Just as subjective knowing was often supported by a group of others who could reflect and validate women's inner explorations, so was this phase of questioning and synthesis.
Marie and Suzanne found men who cared about conxnunicating with them and who were committed to making sure their sexual experiences were fulfilling and pleasurable. Sandy found a therapist and a support group who she could tell her story to and still be liked.
There was a conununity of supportive women also questioning and often identifying with the feminist movement in some way. Women needed someone to help reflect back to Women's Sexuality 210 them their wholeness and goodness, to affirm that it was okay to explore what made them happy, and to question what had kept them from being happy in the past (Jordan, 1997a;
Surrey, 1991; Ussher, 1989).
Women's expectations changed. It was not acceptable for men to be disrespectful or clingy; they wanted the space to also look after themselves. It was okay to remain single if men's "era-indoctrination issues," as Lou calls them, got in the way of a reciprocal and meaningful relationship. Women were acknowledging knowledge as authored and being selective about where to accept information from. Nancy challenged the pinnacle of all expert knowers when she refused to let a doctor educate her sons about sex, telling her husband, "Doctors don 't know anything. That much I know." Nancy made this statement as a nurse and as a woman, but also as a procedural knower.
For some women, this was a time of social action; they were angry about how external knowledge contradicted their subjective experiences and they had energy for challenge and change even beyond the re-constructing of their own world views. There was a sense of breaking free. Marie had more than a sense of her sexuality now. She was shattering the good girl myths of her upbringing. The "transitions in sexual identity" which I presented in Chapter Five were all about this conscious synthesis of subjective knowing and external messages, challenging both and allowing the meanings for sexuality to emerge.
Thus, understanding is a merging of personally created and culturally constructed meanings (Chodorow, 1995). Difficulties in exploring wholeness in sexuality and in self arose not from a difficulty in separating from others, as masculinist identity development Women's Sexuality 2 11 would have us believe. Difficulties arose in staying connected to both self and other simultaneously when the other is intensely contradicting of the self (Enns, 199 1). To explore alternatives to the patriarchal and disconfirming messages meant risking connection to others (Faderman, 1998; Harding, 1994). Instead, women sacrificed connection to self. Returning to wholeness involves casting off the kinds of relationships, experiences, and constructs which demand such self-sacrifice.
Constructed Knowing
Constructed knowing is similar to what cultural identity models refer to as commitment (Downing & Roush, 1985; Tatum, 1997) whereby a more stable identity is created out of the process of procedural knowing. It is not the case that constructed knowers cease to challenge and reconstruct ideas, only that they do so from a more firm foundation of self-knowledge and analysis (Bilsker, 1992). It is not coincidental that won~en'sjourneys toward wholeness often coincided with them leaving an unhappy relationship as Suzanne, Loretta and Jane did, entering a new job as Sandy and Marie did, creating a community of women as Brenda, Linda and Sandy did, or connecting with feminist principles as Nancy, Lou, Jane, Linda, and Marie did. Exploring wholeness in sexuality was about exploring wholeness as people. Women developed a sense of agency and efficacy in their work lives, social community and relationships, not just in their sexuality. Constructed knowing does not seem to be something that can be accomplished in only one realm; it is about wholeness.
Women are required to re-write the script for women's sexuality in order to integrate sexuality into how they see their lives, their bodies, and their experiences. New Women's Sexuality 212 scripts are critical in order to teach children and grandchildren something different than what we were taught. Re-visioning sexuality involves looking at experiences of aging or disability or orientation to find celebratory and self-respectful versions of identity.
Indeed, these women needed to have revised scripts for sexuality in order to see a purpose in speaking to me about it as research participants.
The content of these new scripts or reconstructions is what Michelle Fine would refer to as a "discourse of desire" (Fine, 1988). Brenda and Suzanne spoke with each other about feeling sexy and their experiences of sexuality, even though they came from different relationship backgrounds and different value systems about sexual behaviour.
Lou commented on being part of a group of women who all "admitted" to owning vibrators, acknowledging their sexuality and the existence of sexual desire beyond the coital imperative (Tiefer, 1988). Nancy spoke of how she had always felt she had the right to initiate sexual relationships and negotiate the experience of sex. Marie mentioned that her post-menopausal friends told her that "the whole world opens up" when you get past 50. She extols the virtues of women sharing their stories with one another;
There's lots inore workshops on menopause and sexuality and aging and all of that stufl I tizilzk the inore we can provide that kind of interactive environnzent where women share stories and hear other women's stories, I think that's going to open the doors for a lot of woinen and allow thenz to experience the positives about sexuality and sensuality. --Marie
These women are communicating their desires. They are celebrating what aging has to offer instead of decrying what it takes away. They are saying 'no' to the invalidating messages of their upbringing and 'yes' to the idea of pleasure and self- Women's Sexuality 213 respect (Fine, 1988; Ogden, 1994). This is part of the new construction of women's sexuality I am striving to participate in through this research.
Constructing Lesbian Identity. I think it is important, as part of the discussion of constructing a sexual identity, that I mention the unique struggle of constructing a lesbian identity, partly to do honour to the experience of the lesbian women who met with me and partly to highlight what others can learn from their experience. Working towards wholeness as a lesbian requires women to first acknowledge that heterosexuality is a social construction, something that is drilled into us during a received knowing state which then silences us if we don't conform. Recognizing it as a construction allows us to challenge this message and to build something new in its place. Lesbians are called upon to construct a perspective on being a woman that is not dependent on relations to men
(Harding, 1994).
As discussed previously, constructing an idea of what it means to be lesbian involves identifying with a minority status that society is profoundly disconfirming, and even hateful, of (Barrett, 1998; Tatum, 1997). As for other women, this means that reconstructions of sexuality and identity involve making positive associations and celebrating the wholeness and authenticity of being gay. Sandy points out the conflict between being gay and being human, between her individual constructions and that of the culture she lives in;
I don 't--1 never have--wished that I wasn't gay. I just wish that people didn't hate nte for it. I mean, we're all humans and we all bleed and we all do whatever any otlzer huinan does. We all go home and we want to be happy. But it always colnes down to sex. They make us an object rather than a person. --Sandy Women's Sexuality 214
We cannot be constructed knowers as women until we integrate models of sexuality which do not include men. Thus, we familiarize ourselves with the many different faces and voices of lesbian culture as part of our move toward acceptance and wholeness as women (Barrett, 1998). Meredith Maran notes the power in challenging authored knowledge, as lesbians are called upon to do simply by virtue of not being heterosexual:
It seems that homophobia has inadvertently given gay people a gift--that being defined solely by our sexuality makes us necessarily more connected, more committed to it. Has being challenged constantly about our sexual tastes made us more aware of them, more determined to honour and relish what pleasures we can give ourselves and others with our bodies? (Maran, 1997, p. 47).
Maran refiames lesbian women's struggles as valuable deconstructions of heterosexist assumptions, helping lesbians to know more fully their beliefs and bodies, their sexual desires and pleasures. The process of deconstructing and reconstructing sexuality is part of all women knowing ourselves in a more rich and whole way.
Constructinn Definitions of Sexuality. Our definition of sexuality is still vague, although I feel that I know better what it is not. It is not cold or violent or shameful, although genital sex is sometimes these things. It is not a piece of humanness that some have and some don't, although it is experienced differently by different people. It is not easily articulated, although it is an important and intrinsic part of our identity and experience. In providing a construction of sexuality, I look to the women who participated in this inquiry for what they did and did not say. They did not talk about how many times they "did it," about their physiological responses to arousal and orgasm, Women's Sexuality 215 about penis size. They rarely spoke about masturbation, although it was more implied than any of the other topics noted here.
What they did speak about in the context of discussing sexuality was marriage and one-night stands, loss and death, abuse and pleasure, children and the freedom of their children leaving home, education and self-esteem and hopes for their grandchildren.
When I reviewed all the words they used in their attempts to define sexuality, the list included connectedness, intimacy, ''just the being there," affection, comfort, protection, cc a warm feeling," flirting, "your whole being," fun, confidence, trusting, creative, and sensual.
Obviously, sexuality is about more than biology and mechanics. As Nancy stated,
"Sexualityjust seems so much a part of me. And yet if1 was to put it into words, I really don 't know what I could say." I was left with the overall feeling that sexuality was difficult to define. I believe that some of this difficulty expressing a coherent meaning for sexuality was not just about the mysteriousness that our silence experiences produce. It is also because of the fundamental presence that sexuality plays in our lives; its inherence brings about an ineffable quality. As well, I think that our constructions of sexuality are varied and shifting so that we are not quite ready to pin it down. And maybe we won't quite ever be, but it is a worthy effort to try to understand what sexuality means for women. In doing so, we move beyond the socio-historical definitions and the "coital imperative" (Tiefer, 1999). We move beyond the ways that we have pathologized sexuality and celebrated its "smutty" side. Ultimately, we seek to create something that maintains a connection to our subjectivity and to our identity as women (Wittig, 1997). Women's Sexuality 216
Part of our journey is related to the socio-cultural movement towards deconstructing our understandings of deeply entrenched terms such as gender and self. It is not that different than Sojourner Truth's plea in "Ain't I a Woman?" (1 88111996) asking people to broaden their concept of what it means to be a woman. She challenged people to look beyond the cultural messages and see her as she is--as a Negro, as a woman whose daily activities were completely at odds with "femininity," as a person. As
I was completing this chapter I came across a new book by Peggy Orenstein called Flux.
She writes of how our cultural questioning of women's roles, our striving for choices and economic power, has put us into a kind of instability of role and identity;
I had long vacillated between two visions of womanhood, each posing a conflict between relationships and the self. There was the Good Woman, who earns approval by giving to those around her at the expense of her own needs, and there was the New Woman, who pursues her own desires but risks ending up alone (Orenstein, 2000, p. 5).
My understanding of sexuality as I reflect on this research is that sexuality is part of feeling confident, sexy, alive and connected to others. It is about our roles as mothers, partners, feminists, friends, but it exists beyond these roles. Sexuality is a multi-layered and fluid construct that is very much connected to feeling like a woman. Until we can blend the Good Woman and the New Woman, our constructions of women's sexuality will also remain in a state of flux.
Women's Sexuality and Identity on a Socio-historical Scale
As I reviewed the literature to write the foregoing section on women's sexuality and identity development, I was struck by the parallels between individual ways of knowing and the ways of knowing that have evolved for women's sexuality at a socio- Women's Sexuality 2 17 historical level. For centuries, the silence around women's sexuality was strictly maintained and sometimes brutally enforced. From chastity belts to witch burnings, evidence of women's sexuality was carefully concealed and contained. Such blatant hostility towards women and women's sexuality is still the case in many of the world's cultures today. Indeed, as I have argued, there is a great deal of silence and disconnection regarding women's sexuality in our own Western cultures.
At some point, however, there was an upsurgence of a received knowing state.
People like Sigmund Freud and Havelock Ellis, then later Alfred Kinsey and Masters and
Johnson, began studying sexuality. They became the authorities on sexuality. Their names were widely known and their books were widely read as we sought out the holy grail of sexual experience. Our knowing about sexuality was based on their ideas and statistics and advice. Freud told us that a vaginal orgasm was better than a clitoral orgasm and he advised women to strive for the more mature version of sexual climax, never asking whether they were having orgasms at all. Masters and Johnson dispelled the vaginal-clitoral orgasm distinction and women heaved a sigh of relief that their plain old turgid-toed, flushed-nippled orgasms were good enough. It seems that we were in a received knowing state when it came to women's sexuality for a very long time--decades or even centuries. This new knowing was a welcome release from the silence but still did not reach into the human experience of sex and sexuality. We found out the percentage of
Kinsey's female participants who masturbated but we did not hear what sexuality meant to women, what they desired, what they valued, what they knew about sex and sexuality from their subjective experiencing of it. Women's Sexuality 218
I believe that feminism is responsible for awakening our subjective knowledge. I recall Gloria Steinem's experience of attending an abortion rally in the early 1970s where women were telling of their experiences with abortion. She was moved by the experience of hearing, for the first time, other women publicly speaking about their lives and their feelings. With the message that her subjective knowing might be valued in this forum, she rose to tell her own abortion story. And so it goes; women's subjectivity becomes valid, their experiences find a voice, and others are inspired to trust their own introspective knowing.
Just as women described that they had always had a "sense" of themselves as sexual, I believe that our awareness of our internal knowledge existed but was shelved, disregarded. It is no wonder. My Oxford dictionary defines "subjective" as "belonging to the individual consciousness or perception: imaginary, partial or distorted" and my thesaurus includes words such as "illusory," "fanciful," and "unreal" as synonyms for subjectivity. What we know about our lives purely from living it is discarded, merely evidence of our creative minds, and is deficient in our pursuit to understand the world.
Feminists began going against the authoritarian messages of patriarchal culture.
They began talking about the things that were real to them, important to them. And while many people rolled their eyes in dismay and others purposehlly tried to squelch these women's outbursts of self, there were enough other women who wanted to listen and to share themselves. Even if it was just in encounter groups or book clubs, groups of women behind closed doors, our stories were coming out. Although I don't pretend that feminism has been an inclusive movement, many women began to recognize themselves and their Women's Sexuality 2 19 experiences. Lesbians found a name and a voice. More women entered the sexology scene and began paying attention to aspects of sex beyond the biological and the genital.
The psychology of women was transformed by the likes of Jean Baker Miller (1976) who noted how women's self was keenly developed but required an empathic and valuing arena where her feelings and her identity could be reflected and supported.
I don't think that we are grounded in any one of the states that Belenky, Clinchy,
Goldberger and Tarule (1 986) presented. It is more clear to me now that they meant what they said when they proclaimed that the five identity states were not to be interpreted as discrete or stage-like. I hesitate to put a clear label on our current understanding of women's sexuality and identity, realizing that it changes with the segment of culture contemplated, with the perspective taken, with whether my mood that day is one of inspired hopefulness or angry despair. With this caveat in mind, I suggest that, on the socio-historical scale, we are procedural knowers. Much like James Fowler's (1981) description of individuative-reflective faith, women's sexuality is something that requires us to inquire and challenge the ideas that we have thus far been fed. Instead of swallowing or spitting out the messages given to us by "authorities," we are called upon to reflect on those messages along with our own subjective understanding of the world.
What we keep and what we reject becomes a choice that we mindfully participate in making. The process of choosing is rich with uncertainty and struggle.
Some of the women that I spoke with seem to have come to peace with sexuality and what it means for who they are as humans, as women, as wives, mothers, lovers.
They have challenged, and continue to challenge, the cultural messages for what Women's Sexuality 220
women's sexuality is, for what sexuality looks like for lesbian women, older women,
disabled women. They accepted the information of scientists, philosophers, feminists,
and integrated it with their own inner sense of themselves as sexual. With all these
external and internal pieces examined, interpreted, some dismissed and some cherished,
they constructed a way of understanding sexuality which worked for them. Although
some of them seemed to be constructed knowers when it came to women's sexuality,
they were not necessarily the majority in this little group of nine women. That said, I
certainly cannot consider the constructed knowers of my inquiry to be representative of
the other women who were uncomfortable or appalled when they saw my call for participants or the millions of others who have not heard my call at all.
We may not ever achieve constructed knowing en masse. I am not sure we even should since, at some level, it implies the kind of epistemological free-for-all that scares me. However, the realization that even a handful of women are constructing a view of women's sexuality that is affirming, pleasurable, non-exploitive, intimate, respectful, this much gives me hope for our socio-cultural understanding of women's sexuality. There is
a great deal more work to be done here.
Appl~in~mv Learning about Women's Sexualitv
It is extremely important to me that my learning and the wisdom of these nine women lead to a greater understanding of women's sexuality, especially for older women. What they have told me implies that sexuality is part of women being whole people and this clearly has implications for our understanding of women's psychology
and women's equality. The stories of these women are not representative of all women's Women's Sexuality 221 experience. However, their process of constructing women's sexuality in a way that promotes wellness for them has far-reaching implications for counselling and therapy, for sexuality education, and for additional research.
Implications for Counselling and Therapy
I view the implications of this research for counselling as falling under three broad headings. First, this inquiry affirms and promotes the expansion of our definition of sex and sexuality and this affects the way that we view sexuality in counselling practice.
Second, these women supported the idea that sexuality is part of a larger context of issues relating to identity and self-concept, thus challenging the ways that we address issues of sexuality in counselling and counsellor education. Third, counsellors are called upon to provide the kind of atmosphere--the permission, if you like--whereby people can explore issues of sexuality and its role in their self-understanding and world view. I discuss each of these points in turn.
We must broaden our understanding of sexuality in a couple of important ways. If there is one thing that I feel certain of about these women's definitions of sexuality, it was that sexuality is about substantially more than genital sex. Sex is a behaviour.
Sexuality is an identity state. This shift requires that we change the language that we use, the questions that we ask, and the assumptions that we make about the nature of psychological wellness. For instance, Gary Sanders (1995) advocates for using terms such as sexplay rather than foreplay and outercourse rather than intercourse when we are talking to people about sex. Thus, we challenge the idea that "foreplay" is the bit that comes before the "real" sex, which, of course, involves a penis entering a vagina. For all Women's Sexuality 222 of women's explanations of sexuality, they never mentioned a penis entering a vagina as being key to their experience.
Sexuality, in some form, is part of healthy adult experience. Yet psychology and counselling historically emphasize studies of pornography, sexual harassment and abuse,
DSM categories of sexual dysfunction and the impact on sex of losing a breast or going through menopause. These are all critical topics in our understanding of sex and sexuality. However, a focus on pathology, violence and deficit will only ever give us a partial view, an idea of how terribly wrong things might go without a picture of how beautiful and rich things might be. In expanding our definition of sexuality, counselling research and therapy opens the door to understanding healthful experiences as well. We benefit in many ways, not the least of which are the clues for how clients might move towards wholeness, and what wholeness might look like as a goal.
The second implication for counselling is about seeing our clients as sexual beings and acknowledging that this plays a role in many of the issues that are presented for counselling and therapy. Women expressed the way that sexuality related to death and loss, body image, mothering, self-confidence, aging, and identity. Maybe we shouldn't wait until a client tells us that they might have vaginismus to ask about how sex and sexuality might interact with their experiences of difficulty. I am not suggesting that we ask every client about his or her sex life, any more than we would do a suicide assessment on everyone we meet. But I think our current approach pays far too little attention to the role of sexuality in the human experience. Changing this certainly could begin with our self-explorations and our counsellor education programs. Women's Sexuality 223
This brings me to the key implication of this research for counselling and therapy.
Women told me over and over about the importance of some person or group or book or experience in giving them permission to explore themselves and their sexuality. In
Sandy's case, it was specifically her therapist who opened the door for her to admit and accept that she was gay. She recounts the power of this experience;
I had to first go to therapy to realize that people weren't going to hate nze. One of the most shocking things to me was when I told my therapist. ...I went to a straight therapist and I told her in the second session and she still liked me. And that was a big breakthrough. --Sandy
Finding acceptance was "shockiizg" for Sandy and it was also powerfblly healing and affirming. If our job as therapists is to help people create wholeness and wellness in their lives, then we should at least be creating an atmosphere where sexuality can be part of that conversation.
Examining; Self-as-Counsellor. My education and my value system are intertwined with the belief that a counsellor's personal wellness and awareness are critical to their effectiveness as a counsellor. Thus, it is critical to be conscious of one's own biases, mindful of how they interact with clients and the counselling process, and committed to on-going self-learning. As indicated by my discussion of counselling implications above, counsellors are called upon to deconstruct the language we use and challenge the beliefs which underlie our counselling choices. If we have anxieties about sexuality in people who are old, disabled, overweight, then we need to address those.
More subtly, we may have assumptions about sexuality for people who are, for example, single or married or mothers. Ethically, we are called upon to be procedural and Women's Sexuality 224 constructed knowers, to challenge our ideas and develop new constructions of sexuality in interaction with our colleagues, our students and our clients.
Awareness and new concepts of sexuality is about far more than reading more about sexuality and asking our clients to reflect upon it. Ultimately, we as counsellors are called upon to know ourselves as sexual beings. As I have tried to do in preparing for this research, I think it is valuable to do the kind of examination that we might want our clients to do. Such self-inquiry is on-going. Despite my immersion in this topic over the past several years, I may still need to work on comfortably asking people about how self- pleasuring fits with their experience of sex, or considering my parents as sexual beings without shuddering at the thought.
Striving for Social Change. It is consistent with my feminist underpinnings to remember that the personal is always political. To discuss counselling without also discussing social advocacy is to ignore the significance of the macro level system in our micro level counselling work. It would be irresponsible to ignore the implications of these nine women's stories for how we address socio-political issues of sexuality and aging. Indeed, some of the women were already advocating for systemic change in the area of women's sexuality. Marie articulated the importance of nonnalizing sexuality;
I think that we have to normalize sexuality. I've talked about nol-malizing gay and lesbian rights and nonnalizing abortion. But you can 't even start to normalize those things until you izor~nalizesex. And I think, especially in a place like Alberta that has such a religious right, that's going to be a veiy very dfficult thing to do, to izorrnalize even sex, nzuch less homosexuality and abortion. And that kind of makes nze sad because it nzeans that it S going to be an ongoing struggle. --Marie
I believe I am doing social change work in individual counselling where issues like those that Marie has mentioned come up for discussion and deconstruction. Each Women's Sexuality 225 person then takes their concepts of sexuality into their interactions with others, into their relationships, into the way that they challenge gender stereotypes or sexist jokes and that impacts on someone else's ideas and so on and so on. As Rainer Maria Rilke said, "I live my life in widening circles that reach out across the world. I may not ever complete the last one, but I give myself to it" (in Owen-Towle, 1999, p. 45). For myself, doing this research and talking about the research to various individuals and community groups feels like an act of social change. Advocating for women's reproductive freedoms and speaking out against sexism and heterosexism are among the practices of social advocacy. Acknowledging the sexuality of disabled people and older people instead of treating it with a gasp or a snicker is an act of resistance. Our efforts at systemic change do not need to be grand, as long as each person does their bit.
Implications for Teaching Our Children
The women who spoke with me, with the exception of Nancy, received basically no direct teaching about sex and sexuality. While I would like to think that this was a product of their era and that things have changed a lot, I know that my own sexuality education a couple of decades later was not much different. We learned about sex by accident, by absorbing the messages of our culture, by sometimes painful trial and error.
What women learned about as they worked towards wholeness and a different
construction of women's sexuality was about desire and pleasure, respect and intimacy,
self-awareness and authenticity. Having information about their bodies and sexual
functions was critical but insufficient in their understanding of sexuality. Women's Sexuality 226
It is entirely inadequate--perhaps unethically so--to teach our children about sexuality by teaching them about genital sex. Just as the implications for counselling include giving permission for explorations of sexuality in the realm of values, beliefs, identity states, so does a complete and ethical education of our children include these things. Ideally, we teach them to be comfortable with their bodies, to make self- respecting decisions, to care about others, to address their desires in responsible ways.
What could be more about sexuality than this? In this way, sexuality education is in the context of how we raise our children as thinking, feeling, valuing people rather than what we nervously tell them about how babies are made when they turn ten.
Sexuality education, then, requires the assumption that children are sexual and that their sexuality is an integrated part of who they are as humans. Further, it requires the same assumption of us as adults; as with the self-as-counsellor, it is ineffective to try to teach children healthy messages about sexuality if we have not first examined and constructed and internalized such healthy messages for ourselves. For instance, Suzanne and Nancy were able to talk with their children and grandchildren about gender stereotyping which was not even an idea in their own upbringing. They were teaching respect, reciprocity. They were challenging the constructs of boy and girl in order to give their grandchildren permission to explore subjective knowledge.
My partner and I facilitate the sexuality education curriculum with the youth group in our faith community. It is a profoundly wonderful curriculum which encourages them to act together and talk together as a way of challenging cultural messages, examining sexual stereotypes, clarifying values, and supporting one another in making Women's Sexuality 227 healthy decisions. Giving them information about wet dreams and sexually transmitted diseases is just one goal of the curriculum. One of my colleagues was horrified by our curriculum's liberal message about sexuality as a healthy component of self and sex as a healthy adult activity. He wondered, how would we keep kids fiom being sexually active without encouraging guilt? Guilt yields fear-based choices, not respect-based choices.
The nine women told me that sexual guilt only made them marry too young and feel ashamed of their desires. When asked what they wanted to teach children about sexuality, women talked about respect, reciprocity and responsibility. That is what I hope to teach the children in our faith community. It is what I hope to teach my own children. It is what
I hope people reading this work will strive to communicate to others, child or adult, about sexuality.
Implications for Further Research
There is a great deal of research left to do if we are to more fully understand sexuality and the human experience of being sexual. I want to mention two key areas which I think need to be explored further.
First, my inquiry was limited by a lack of cultural diversity in the women that I interviewed. Although not seeking the "representative sample" required by a quantitative paradigm, it remains critical that we pay attention to diversity as we seek to understand various constructions of our experiences. I would like to speak with women whose culture is far more open and accepting of women's bodies and sexuality than our Western culture, particularly northern European cultures. I would very much like to know the perspectives of women coming fiom Middle Eastern or Indian cultures where women's Women's Sexuality 228 equality is in far more desperate straights than it is in Canada. I would like to hear more from women with disabilities as I believe that Brenda's voice is just one among many who are waiting to be heard. I would like to know how women coming from the sex trades would respond to my research. These nine wonderhl women are a mere beginning.
Second, I think that we should not assume that we know so much about men's sexuality that we do not need to ask some of these questions of men. Just because the researchers and philosophers are men does not mean that what they write is true to the lived experience of other men. The authority of qualitative research is still being challenged. If we only seek to understand women from the perspective of interpretive and experience-valuing research approaches, we will still be missing a major part of the equation in our understanding of sexuality.
I believe that, in my own small way, I have broken the silence surrounding sexuality that sent me under my sheets reading Wify and medical encyclopedias. But I have not yet filled that silence. I have put my whole self into this research project, given myself to the women who met with me, shared myself in these pages, and immersed myself in the process of learning and understanding. Still, I want to know more and I
hope to be part of the on-going research on women's sexuality.
Reflections on mv Learning
Through the process of this research, I have become more aware of my thoughts
and feelings and values around sexuality. I reveled in the fact that other women wanted to
talk with me about it and share their experiences and ideas. I appreciated every person Women's Sexuality 229 who said that my research sounded interesting and who engaged in a discussion with me about what it meant to them. And I think differently about sexuality in my own life and about what it means for others around me. As Nancy said during our follow-up meeting;
I guess I've become more aware of sexuality in others, which relates to this study. It's made me think. The process of thinking and talking about this makes me wonder ifanyone else thinks and talks about this like I do. " --Nancy
As I reflect on my learning, I realize that my definitions, my language and my values have all been called into question in wonderful, generative ways. Two specific areas come to mind in terms of how my own values played into the research process.
First, there were areas of sexuality that were uncomf~rtablefor me in some way. For instance, I didn't ask any of the women directly about masturbation because it seemed to me to be too personal and intrusive. When I recognized my bias against asking, I tried to open up the topic in the follow-up interviews. While I did not come right out and ask where masturbation fit in with their experience of sexuality, I noted that there were ways for sexual desire to be fulfilled without having a partner. My hope was that I would open the door for a conversation about self-pleasuring. To be more direct than this would have seemed like breaking down that door wearing blue tights and a cape. Only two women--
Lou and Marie--invited me into this conversation for a moment and I did not push for us to pursue it further.
I can justify my approach on the topic of masturbation as respectful of these women's boundaries; in some cases, I think it truly would have been too personal to discuss masturbation. 1 can also justify my approach as being respectful of the methodology, wanting to allow for women's personal experience to emerge without Women's Sexuality 230 dragging them into forbidden territory because it suited my purposes. However, I also must recognize my approach as implicating my attachment to the cultural taboo against masturbation. Maybe, if it had been more comfortable for me to ask, it would have been a topic they were longing to discuss. Maybe not. Perhaps it was just not important for us to discuss self-pleasuring as a component of women's sexuality. But if part of my goal was to break and fill the silence surrounding women's sexuality, then I fell short this time by avoiding the zone that is most profoundly hushed.
The second area in which my own assumptions were challenged came through loudly with my first participant. Nancy was 69 at the time of our meeting and she reminded me of my grandmother. I was overcome with a sense of privilege that she was talking to me about such significant and private experiences in her life. I also felt awkward to be talking about sexuality with a woman forty years older than me, evidence of my "respect your elders" and "don't talk about sex" learning. With Nancy, I wondered out loud why I had never asked my own grandmother for her thoughts on women's sexuality and sexual desire. Nancy told me, "You never know. Maybe she S just dying to be asked." I realized the limitations of my own beliefs about all people being sexual and needing permission to explore it.
That I was loathe to admit my bias was another bias to be mindfully abandoned.
Being a counsellor, feminist, sexuality researcher and a reasonably self-aware individual does not make me immune to hang-ups of my own. Just as I am encouraging counsellors to know themselves as sexual beings and to challenge their own belief systems, I also Women's Sexuality 23 1 expect the same of myself. It is an on-going process as sexuality is constructed, deconstructed, and reconstructed through my life learning.
My counselling practice is changed because of this research. I have learned just as much about counselling from the research and the inquiry process as I learn from clinical practice itself (Osbourne, 1990). The most clear example comes through my work with a fifteen-year-old girl who is experiencing anxiety as she is faced with new feelings and new decisions. Our talking and drawing and wondering together has included her articulating her values about sex, her understanding of love, her wishes for pleasure and connection. Although sexuality was not the "presenting problem," it was one aspect of her struggle for self. I felt comfortable bringing up sexuality with her and asking her to reflect on issues of how sexuality reflected her learning about herself and her experience of becoming a woman. These were meaningful conversations that I am not sure we would have had in the same way if not for the voices of the nine women in this research project.
The final reflection I wish to share is on the process rather than the content of this project. I think I did not really believe how consuming this process would be, even though I had been told how profoundly demanding qualitative research was. My emotional and intellectual energy were called upon almost all the time, even when I was
"taking a break." And while I sometimes found this oppressive, I also believe now, more than ever, that qualitative research presents opportunities for a deeply authentic kind of learning. Without the structure of a methodological recipe book and statistics to chart, I was left to find my own way through the literature and the transcripts. I found myself thinking all too often, "This is all crap. I don't know what I'm doing," and eventually I Women's Sexuality 232 just tried to let that feeling be a part of the experience. I allowed my ideas to be scrambled up and sorted out. I allowed my emotions to come across in the interviews and in the writing process. And, ultimately, I believe that this research has led me to research, counsel, teach, think, theorize, feel, and be in different ways. I would not want it any other way.
Closing Comments on Women's Sexuality
My inquiry into women's sexuality is a topic that reflects a trend toward understanding lived experience, hearing voices, and making greater space for various constructions of identity and meaning (Orenstein, 2000). The theme of "permission" indicates the importance of creating opportunities for women to explore who they are and what their experiences mean. The women that I spoke with described times and circumstances which made it very difficult for them to have a sense of self, that is, a sense of their own beliefs, values, resources, and needs. Such a difficulty is complicated
hrther in the realm of sexuality, which carries with it a good deal of confusion,
discomfort and shame.
As Germaine Greer declared, "women will not be free until they have a positive
definition of women's sexuality" (in Wolf, 1991). Having permission to explore
sexuality, developing a voice on sexuality that is strong and healthy, is about re-
constructing what it means for women to be sexual. Such reconstructions are about
mending injuries to our wholeness as people (Ogden, 1994). It is a gift that these nine
women have shared how they negotiated, and continue to negotiate, their explorations
and reconstructions of being women and being sexual. Women's Sexuality 233
I recognize that my account of women's sexuality is partial and partisan. To me, that represents the richness of my interactions with these women, the value that is placed on subjective understandings of lived experience, and the exciting depths of further inquiry that has yet to take place. John Osborne (1990) said that the best a researcher can do it to present particular interpretations persuasively and authentically, supported by references to the information collected and the literature that has gone before. In the end, it is what the reader does with these pages which will decide if a difference is made beyond them. Women's Sexuality 234
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"Geriatric Sexpot" Written and Performed by The Raging Grannies (Sung to the tune of "There'll always be an England'?
I'm sixty and I'm sexy-- At least that's what I hear From the programs seen on TV And the talk shows on the air. The magazines print articles By some Authority, All telling me, at sixty, I'm as sexy as can be!
I'm seventy and sensual Though it really doesn't show. Geriatric experts tell me I'm mature and all aglow. They say hidden wells of passion Are just bubbling up in me, And at seventy I've hit my peak Of sensuality.
Oh, I'm eighty and I "ought to." There's no time to put things off. No excuses like, "I'm breathless" Or "Exertion makes me cough." For I'm told I've still got fires That I didn't know I had, And I would tell my husband, but When I wake him, he gets mad!
Now I'm ninety and I'm naughty, And there's nothing new to me. I've been having sex since sixty And I'm tired as I can be. But I'm telling you a secret, And it's one that you must keep, When I get to be One Hundred I AM DARN WELL GOING TO SLEEP! APPENDIX B
Meeting the Women
Brenda
Brenda is 5 1 years old and describes herself as a woman with a disability. She was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis when she was ten years old and now has fibromyalgia and osteoporosis as well. Her disability complicated how she saw herself as a competent and whole person and how she formed relationships with men. In her early forties, after having her knees replaced, she felt confident enough to place a personal ad but found that the men she met were noticeably uncomfortable with her level of ability and her appearance. She had two relationships, "sex included," prior to meeting her current partner of five years. Brenda describes their relationship as happy and stable.
Brenda describes herself as being unattractive and having low self-esteem. She links this to her disability and her difficult childhood. She didn't feel loved as a child and was often the intermediary in her parent's ongoing conflicts. Brenda talks about feeling like she didn't really fit in anywhere. People linked her physical disability to something being wrong with her mentally and there were no physical accommodations like ramps and high toilets to make it easier for her to do things that "normal" people did. She grew up in England and first came to Canada on a vacation when she was 25. The dry climate helped her arthritis so she emigrated to central Alberta three years later. Throughout her illness, Brenda has been hospitalized many times, often for months at a stretch. After our follow-up meeting she went into hospital again for a short time. She has had a series of surgeries, including several joint replacements. She considers herself to be quite 255 disfigured and is only now starting to feel less self-conscious or intimidated by people staring at her when she is in public.
Brenda does not consider herself to be a very sexual person because of her
disability. The attractive ideal of tall, slim, blonde and moving in a certain sexy way was
an image that didn't fit for her, even more so than for most women because of her physical disability. The arthritis affects how she looks, how she walks, "everything." She was given very little information about sexuality when she was growing up, recalling
only some classes at school where they talked about where babies came from. Her parents were distant from one another and there was no signs of affection or sexuality between them. Aside from wanting children, Brenda did not think much of sexuality and notes that she felt it was better not to have a relationship than to have a relationship like her parents had.
When I think of my meetings with Brenda, I remember her gentleness and the
sweet smile she had when she spoke of her husband. As well, I warmly recall her telling me of her relationship with a 12-year-old girl in Scotland. Brenda became pen pals with
Mhairi, who also has rheumatoid arthritis. She spoke of how the world is different for
Mhairi than it was for her as a girl growing up with a disability. Mhairi is given more
opportunities to discuss the issues that affect her and to feel like a normal child. If given
the opportunity to teach a child about sex and sexuality, Brenda said that she would want
to give them information about the facts of life but most of all she would want to help
them to build self-esteem and to feel that they are valuable on this earth because it is
something that she did not feel for most of her life. The love that she has with her 256 husband now has profoundly affected her self-esteem, her sense of herself as lovable, and her sexuality. She is making up for lost time.
Jane
Jane is 47 years old. She is a social worker with a partially completed masters degree and the devoted mother of two adult sons. She describes herself as a feminist and as a lesbian. She was married for twenty years and left her marriage when she was forty years old. Shortly after ending her marriage, she became involved in a same sex relationship and recently left that relationship after six years. This relationship represented a meaningful transition for Jane's sexuality and sense of self. Thus, its ending is a very significant and difficult time. I was mindfhl of not triggering additional sadness through our conversations.
Jane started experiencing attractions to women while in her late twenties but
"repressed" those feelings. She could think about or act on these feelings while in her marriage but she also found her feelings somewhat frightening and foreign. Her family was not particularly open about sex and the concept of orientation was not even considered while she was growing up. Jane's sister came out as a lesbian three years before Jane did. Her family was accepting but also upset, fearing for their daughters living in a world where people are so intolerant. Jane acknowledges that it is not easy to be a lesbian in this cultural environment and that she sometimes feels she has to hide that part of herself. At the same time, she is comfortable with sex and sexuality, talks openly with friends and her sons, and is out in both personal and professional circles. 257 Jane defines sexuality as how we express love and caring in our relationships with others. She notes that it is the affection and "intimate companionship" part of sexuality which is most important to her. She considers sexuality to be more about people than about gender but notes how our socialization does not give us permission to fully explore where we fit on the continuum from gay to straight.
Sexuality was something that Jane did not give much thought to until she left her marriage. This point represented a transition where she allowed herself to really consider her sexuality and to explore more fully what she needs to be happy. Jane says that she always felt sexual and she desired sex but did not enjoy sex itself until she was in a relationship with a woman. Leaving the relationship and entering a same-sex relationship was part of living much more happily and honestly, being able to live out her sexual desire and to feel more complete in loving and being loved. Jane had always had close relationships with other women so having a romantic relationship felt like an extension of that intimacy. Living more authentically is an ongoing journey for her.
Jane also cites this transition from marriage to her same-sex relationship as significant to her relationship with her then-teenage sons. They came to learn more about real life and its ups and downs. She came to learn that they could cope with anything and that they loved and accepted her no matter what. Jane commented on the way that mothering is key to her identity and world view. Her role of mother took much of her energy and it was not until her children "needed her less" that she was able to fully explore how she could be happy. 258 Jane and I spoke about her relationship as she processed its ending. I remember the sadness that she expressed but also the strength and insight, the kindness and
intelligence. She sometimes wonders if she will be able to have a healthy relationship but believes in the importance of women listening to their bodies and the wisdom that is within. Jane moved away after our first meeting and we maintained contact via e-mail.
She is also moving on psychologically, at another turning point in her sexuality and her
sense of who she is in romantic and sexual relationships. As Jane say, for her, "it's about wholeness, about being a whole person and sex is part of that."
Linda
Linda is 5 1 years old. She describes herself as a woman first of all but also as a mother of two adult children, a grandmother to six, and social worker. She works with seniors and is completing a part-time Ph.D. by distance. She considers herself a people- person. She first identified as a lesbian twelve years ago and is currently in a long-term relationship. The process of identifying as a lesbian felt like a second adolescence in some ways, exploring and re-discovering herself and her sexuality. Linda experienced a moment of realizing that it was as easy to love women as men and the pieces of her life began to fit together very quickly after that. She met with acceptance from others around
her, some who said they had known she was gay long before she did. She is now in a
long term same-sex relationship, which brought her a feeling of emotional connection
and intimacy for the first time in her life. 259
Linda describes her growing up years as "weird." Her parents divorced when she was very young and she and her two sisters were sent to live in boarding houses or with relatives until their mom re-married when Linda was twelve. Now there were five children but they didn't really know each other. As the oldest, Linda took on a responsible role in the family. She considered herself a "loner." She liked sports and books and used them to create a world for herself that felt safe and non-chaotic. She was not interested in dating and had friends that she hung out with but no one that she really felt connected with. At twenty-two, she had graduated from college and was working as a teacher. She got married because it was expected. They divorced after ten years.
Linda's sex education consisted of mostly stories about people in the small town she grew up in, photographs of naked women that she found in her dad's truck, and the dirty jokes and limericks that her peers told. Linda recalls not knowing much about illenstruation or childbirth, even as it was happening to her, and being somewhat frightened by these experiences. Her husband was her first sexual partner. Sex was one of the "things that wives do" like ironing clothes and looking after the children. It was mechanical for her, neither enjoyable nor unenjoyable. She feels that sexuality is still not a big part of her identity, even in her current relationship. The "bedroom gymnastics" are fun in the beginning of a relationship but the behaviour tends to give way to the feelings of intimacy and comfort as the relationship progresses.
Linda uses words like asexual and androgynous to describe herself. However, she did note that the sex scene in Desert Heart made her stop breathing for about ten minutes!
She notices that other women are interested in clothes and make-up and has a strong 260 feminist analysis of the way sexuality is used to sell everything from cars to cigarettes but she generally does not consider herself very sexual. In this way, she sees herself as not "fitting in" with the broader culture but she comments about how she's never really fit in and is not bothered by this. She speaks a lot of always knowing that she was different in many ways. Her sense of herself as being different helped her to feel separate from the media messages, societal expectations and the cultural assumptions about what is "normal."
I remember sitting in a dimly lit boardroom at Linda's workplace and being impressed by her kindness and quiet insight. I had a sense of her as someone who thought carefully about things and I was captivated by her strong sense of who she is.
Loretta
Loretta is 57 years old. She recently left a common-law relationship of fourteen years. She lives alone and is a full-time university student. She was married and had a daughter when she was in her twenties. She divorced her husband after eleven years and many struggles related to money and alcohol. She is still connected with most of her ex- partners, partly as friends but mostly through the child, step-children and step- grandchildren that they share. She maintains close friendships with several men, one of whom was her first boyfriend in her teens, her first sexual partner, and a lifelong on-and- off romance. A discussion of these men, what they mean to Loretta and why they continue to be in her life, weaves its way through her stories. 26 1
Loretta remembers her family as being very happy, affectionate and open with their feelings. She had a sense that her opinions and emotions were valid and worthy of expression. She grew up on a farm and spent a lot of time with her father tagging along and having philosophical talks while did chores and errands. They were not especially open about sex although her mother did talk with her about menstruation and she remembers her father explaining about their mother going through menopause. Loretta notes how menopause and life stress often come together in women's lives but we too often explain away the emotions as hormonal instead of understanding the context. Her own experience of menopause cannot be separated from her experience of her parents' illness and death, losing her job, nursing her partner back from a heart attack, going back to school and then ending a twelve-year relationship.
Loretta first became sexually active when she was fourteen. She had very little information about sex and no access to birth control so feels lucky in retrospect that she didn't get pregnant. She was with the same boy for six years and they experimented together. She remembers the sex as exciting and pleasurable even though she didn't have orgasms then. The sexual relationship was even better when they reunited as adults, which she attributes to maturity and technical skill but also to the depth of respect and friendship between them.
Loretta says she has less desire now that she has gone through menopause.
Having been thin most of her life, the changes in body image that have accompanied menopause are difficult for her. She no longer feels comfortable in her own body and would need to feel very secure before entering a new sexual relationship. Feeling 262 connected and comfortable is vital to Loretta's sense of herself as sexual. Loretta cites her few "one-night stands" as exceptions to this need for connection. These encounters were fun, a good release, and a confinriation of her attractiveness. They worked partly because nothing was expected beyond the physical act and this mutual understanding created its own type of connection. Much of sexuality for Loretta is about relationships, feeling desirable to someone else and having her attractiveness validated. She hopes for a deeply intimate and passionate relationship. Although she has had some terrific relationships, she has a feeling that there is something "more" that she has not experienced. She is looking for someone who she feels a strong bond with, who she can share deeply with, but who is self-sufficient enough that she does not have to take care of them.
I remember sitting with Loretta in her living room feeling grateful that she would leave her studies for a couple of hours to share with me. I had the sense of her as someone who was reflecting on her experiences and relationships as part of creating a new, happier phase of her life.
-Lou
Lou is 58 years old. She identifies herself as a mother, grandmother, visionary and "fembo." She has worked in accounting for many years and now works for a feminist organization. She left the corporate sector because she found it oppressively patriarchal.
Lou has been married twice and has three adult children from her first marriage. Her first husband was sexually exploitative and emotionally abusive to her. Stories of these 263 relationships with men weave throughout our conversation. She chooses not to be in a
relationship at this time; she is happier living alone and being self-sufficient but also
notes that it is not easy to find men of her generation whose attitudes and interests are
compatible with hers. Social pressure is the main reason she gives for having gotten married at all.
Lou's family of origin was very comfortable with nudity and the body but
decidedly uncomfortable with sexuality. When she was twelve, her father was calling her and her sisters tramps and he told her that boys would pretend to be her friend so that they could have sex with her. This affected Lou's self-image and her sense of herself as being lovable for more than her sexual attractiveness. She also describes her sex education as including the brainwashing and extreme patriarchy of the Roman Catholic religion. She remembers many of the lessons the nuns taught in "health" class, such as advising students how many times they could clean themselves in the bathtub before it became masturbation. Sexual body parts and anything other than procreative sex was viewed as dirty and perverted. Only one young priest gave the message that sex was natural and they would not burn in hell for their sexual feelings. The Catholic exposure had a profound effect on Lou's developing image of sexuality.
Lou loves sex. She considers it to be a natural venting of stress and a way of being close to others. Developing healthy attitudes out of the negative messages of her upbringing has been an intelligently researched and conscious decision. She believes that enjoying sex starts in our minds with our thoughts and values, our fantasies, our self-
image, and our mental and emotional connection to another person. When all these things 264 are in place, Lou says "you can explore the universe together sexually." If she is not with someone who fosters this type of shared respect and caring, she says she would rather
"take care of herself."
Lou's ideas about sexuality were affected by what she calls the ''free love era."
She feels very comfortable with her sexuality and is open in talking about sex with others, including her children. She views all humans as inherently sexual and believes that there were "sweethearts" among the priests and nuns growing up. She has maintained an active social and sexual life as a single woman but she sees a clear distinction between sex and recreation, believing that some connection, respect and commitment is important to good sex. She knows what she wants and needs and, conversely, what she won't tolerate in a relationship. This sense of herself as sexual is directly related to a strong self-image overall.
Lou also connects sexuality with being comfortable in our bodies. In some ways, this becomes more difficult as we age. She was always very slender and large breasted and noted that she still had a good figure after having had her three children. Now she has gained weight, gone through menopause, and lost part of a breast to cancer. She still feels totally sexual but she realizes that most men no longer look at her as a sexual being now that she is older. Lou sees older people as sexual too but acknowledges that there are few images of this. None of her fi-iendshave dismissed themselves as non-sexual even if they are no longer interested in relationships.
Lou told me that life has gotten better with every decade as she gains in wisdom and experience. She has an inquiring mind and an enchanting energy and sense of 265 humour. I remember being in her living room surrounded by her books and encircled by her many stories.
Marie
Marie was 49 years old at the time of the interview. She works in a leadership
role for a non-profit women's health agency. She has been married to her husband for
five years and they have three adult children and three step-children from earlier
marriages. When we met, she was contemplating turning 50 and becoming a grandmother
within the next couple of months. This fact set the stage for a discussion of aging and
how older women are portrayed by the media either in very staid and traditional roles or
not at all. Older men are often presented in movies as distinguished and/or sexy and with
considerably younger women playing their female leads. Marie is annoyed by this to the
point that she avoids such movies.
Marie's initial thoughts about women's sexuality and sexual desire were how she
was taught that "nice girls" don't have sex and, if they do, they certainly don't enjoy it.
Women who liked sex or who had multiple partners were very negatively perceived but
men in the same position were "conquesting." The sexual revolution began to challenge
this double-standard in the late 60s. Marie was newly married by then and feels that the
sexual revolution did not affect her the same way it did women who were still single at
that time.
Sex with her first husband was a "wifely duty" and a means to having her
children. Marie's husband was very sexually inhibited and his interest dropped off even 266 more after she became a mother. This had a negative impact on her in that she did not feel permission to be more liberated or to explore what she needed. She sometimes wondered if she was just "frigid" but knew in some part of her that there was more to her sexuality. In part, she knew that it was not wise to express her sexuality, that there would be consequences from others who were not accepting of that part of women.
Marie's enlightenment came in her early 40s when her children were in their teens and she was no longer absorbed in caring for them. She began working at her current job, where she was immersed in women's reproductive health issues and feminism. She divorced her husband and became single again. She started to feel much more comfortable with her sexuality and to understand herself more fully. She had an affair with a younger man, which was a life-opening, taboo-shattering experience. She describes the relationship as purely sexual and says that she felt validated to learn that she could enjoy sex so much. Marie considers this an awakening of her sexual desire and sensuousness. It also affected her view of herself as a woman, confirming her sense of strength, independence and self-respect. Her evolution as a sexual being and her evolution as a woman are inseparable.
Marie comments on how good it was for her children to witness her metamorphosis, to see her becoming a more whole and happy person. Re-connecting with herself just solidified the closeness between her and her children. Although her own family was not very open about sex, Marie talked openly with her own children. She promoted sex as an positive and healthy part of their lives for when they were ready and with the right person. It seems like it worked; her 17-year-old daughter came to her about . . 267 contraception when she was ready to become sexually active and Marie sends condom care packages to her son.
Marie describes how being sensual and sexual has become a big part of her life in the last several years. Her marriage now is very physically intimate and emotionally fulfilling. She knows women who are not sexually active or who are not orgasmic and feels that they are "missing out" on something as she once was. Marie sees people as inherently sexual beings. In general, she considers healthy sexuality to be an enjoyable part of a stable and respectful adult relationship. This does not necessarily have to be long-term relationship as long as people are physically and emotionally safe. In fact, it is not necessary to be in a relationship at all to be sexually satisfied. Part of Marie's
'awakening' was realizing that being able to self-satisfy is important and wonderful and is sometimes even better than sex.
Marie's goal in her work is to normalize gay and lesbian rights and issues such as abortion but she acknowledges that we can't even begin to do this unless we also normalize sex and sexuality. Part of the process is in being able to talk about our experiences with others, to use the language around sexuality, and to challenge some of the ideas we have about sex as a positive part of the entire human life cycle. Marie sees aging as allowing women to become more in tune with our bodies, thus increasing our ability to express sexuality and sensuality. She's looking forward to menopause because she hears from other women that it is very freeing and sensual and "the whole world opens up sexually." 268 I met with Marie in her office and was struck by how she held a blend of caring and gentle with competent and direct. I felt great hope knowing that she was bringing her insight, energy and focus to the changes we need to make in the of women's health and sexuality.
Nancy
Nancy was 69 years old when we first met and had just celebrated her 70th birthday (the same day as mine!) when we met to follow-up. She identifies herself as a woman, a mother of two adult sons, a grandmother and widow. She was a nurse during her career and one of the few married women of her generation who continued to work while raising her children. She is now retired and does a considerable amount of volunteer work for a women's reproductive health organization. She is a feminist.
Nancy is the oldest in her family of origin and considers herself the matriarch.
Like many women, much of her identity is in being a caregiver, a role which she sees as very honourable. She also likes the idea of being a crone in the croneship system of post- menopausal women. As an older woman, she sees a responsibility to listen to and mentor younger women. She takes this role with her grandchildren, being interested in what they do and giving non-judgmental caring. Difficulties with aging are mostly placed upon us by external factors, such as the lack of older women seen in the media. As she notes, no one is marketing perfume to older women. There is an invisibility during a time that she thinks should be celebrated for its wisdom and fieedom. 269
Her family is very connected; siblings and cousins are among her close friends.
Her mother was a nurse who talked openly about anything, including sex. Nancy fed the neighbourhood knowledge about babies and menstruation. Her father was affectionate and involved in their upbringing. They grew up on a farm and the girls were encouraged to do any of the chores that boys did. It was a wonderful to be a girl in her family. There was an expectation of independence and education, especially for Nancy as the oldest and most outspoken one.
Nancy and her husband did not know much about sex when they married. They experimented together, were creative together and negotiated sexuality much in the same way they negotiated other things in their 43-year marriage. Nancy always felt that she could say no but she didn't want to sziy no very often. When her husband got upset about being turned down, she assured him that one day she would want it more than he did and wouldn't get mad at him if he said no. Nancy's mother told her that women got "sexier" when they went through menopause and no longer worried about pregnancy so she expected that her desire would increase.
After their children moved out, they got separate bedrooms and Nancy describes this as the best thing to happen to their sex life because she slept better and had her own
space. The separation increased their connection by giving a sense of choice and control
in sex. Nancy cared for her husband through several years of illness before he died in
1998. They were not able to have sex during the last part of his illness but she sees the
intercourse as a very small part of the overall sexuality in their relationship. She misses
intimacy, sharing and affection more than sex. Reflecting on her sex life, Nancy notes 270 that there is an ebb and flow. Just as women's bodies have cycles, so does our sexuality.
Nancy believes that men also have cycles but that women are inore perceptive and more tuned in to their bodies.
Nancy is in a transition phase, having recently become single again with her husband's death. She does not want another permanent relationship but feels ready for a
"cuddler" - someone who she can share with and have fun with, who might sleep over but still respect her independence. Nancy says that the desire and the feelings of being a sexual person and the thoughts of hopefblly having sexual intercourse again are still there for her. She feels a bit hopeless about this because other people do not acknowledge older women as being sexual. Nancy believes the phrase "life begins at 40." She considers her
50s the best decade yet and looks forward to seeing what her 70s will bring.
Nancy reminded my very much of my maternal grandmother and I felt a warmth just being in her presence. I remember the portrait of her on the wall of her living room, done from a picture of her on the beach in Mexico and showing off the light, sensuality and beauty that she shared with me during our meetings. Nancy brought a wisdom of years that I treasured. We have plans to call one another on our next birthday.
Sandv (& Leah)
Sandy is 54 years old. She is gay and in an extremely happy relationship with
Leah, who was present during our interview. Leah is 35 and has two teenage children.
She shares joint custody of the children with her ex-husband. Sandy knew in her late 27 1 teens that she was gay but was married at 18, mostly due to pressure from her mother.
She divorced after seven years.
Sandy shared her tumultuous journey towards finding and accepting herself.
When she first came out, it was a very difficult time to be gay. She was rejected by friends and family. So she put a lot of effort into pretending to be a straight person. When her marriage ended, she became a big partier. She met people in clubs, having sex with both women and men with the rationale that if she had sex with both equally, it would even out and she wouldn't be gay. Fearing rejection, she avoided any potential relationships and kept friends at a distance. Sandy was a sexually-charged partier by night and a responsible, funny, and very straight person by day.
Sandy's mother was a very strong and sometimes intimidating woman. When
Sandy first suggested to her mother that she might be gay, she was whisked off to the psychiatrist. She threatened to kill Sandy if her father found out and has made comments about AIDS being a good thing "because it kills queers." This attitude fed Sandy's insecurities about others not liking her. More than fearing being gay, she feared people's reactions.
Sandy perceived her work environment to be a very unfriendly place to be gay.
The oppressiveness of this environment and the energy she expended in keeping her sexuality hidden took its toll. In her early 50s, Sandy went on sick leave from her job, entered therapy, and started exploring her true self. A friend gave her a book about a gay woman and Sandy identified with the character as a role model. She told her therapist that she thought she was gay and the response was very positive and validating. This had 272 a profound impact on Sandy's self-acceptance and the pieces fell into place very quickly after that. She joined a group for women exploring their sexuality and sexual orientation.
There, she was able to be her real and vulnerable - and there she met Leah. The group provided them both with a safe, supportive, non-judgmental community within which to explore themselves. She came out to her friends and was accepted. Sandy works in a gay- positive environment now and feels much more happy and authentic in her life now than she ever has. She says that she does not mind being gay but wishes that the culture was more tolerant and more able to see her as a person first rather than making sexual orientation the primary identifier.
Sex was not treated as dirty, per se, in Sandy's home; it simply was not talked about at all. Although she was engaged, at 16 she still did not know how babies were conceived or born. Both she and her husband were "pretty dumb" but they experimented together. Sandy enjoyed sex, liked dirty magazines, appreciated the closeness of being with someone. Her early sexual experiences were more ''just sex" than she even realized because she did not have the closeness she now knows exists. She says that you can have sex with a man but you make love with a woman, making the distinction between sex that is physical and sex that is the totality of physical, emotional, and mental connections.
Self-confidence is the key component in people really opening themselves up in sexuality and love. Sandy advocates for people to be their honest selves or to feel safe experimenting until they figure out who they are. She believes that part of the reason that people hide is that they lack the confidence or the role models to believe that their true self is acceptable. Both Sandy and Leah believe that things are changing for young 273 people because they are more free to talk about sexuality and explore what that means for them. Sandy and Leah have found themselves and found love in one another. They describe how their relationship has been good for Leah's children because they see their mother happy and whole. Sandy's sense of self was fragmented, split between her sexual self and the rest of her. She experienced depression, loneliness and superficial relationships. Allowing herself to be loved and acknowledging her sexuality allowed her to integrate her personhood. She gained self-confidence, accepted herself enough to let others see her. The process of awakening her sexuality has been essential to her identity as a whole person. It's been important for her to say, "I'm gay and I'm a nice person."
Sandy and Leah share a bond that was evident from spending time with them.
They welcomed me into their home, shared their unique and profound stories with me, and left me with a feeling of elation about doing this research project with women.
Suzanne
Suzanne is 53 years old. She is a mother of three adult children, a grandmother, a daughter and a sister. She was married at nineteen and played a very traditional role as a wife in a farming community. She left her marriage twelve years ago. She has had a few relationships with men but is currently single and living alone. She is a full-time student with plans to go to law school. She sees her studies as her reward for doing for her children--now she gets to do for herself. 274 Suzanne describes a very strong sense of family. She is the youngest in a family
of ten children. Her role was to be the entertainer and seeker of approval which evolved
into a sexual aspect in that she sought attention through being cute and desirable. Her
flirtatiousness is partly an element of her mother's modeling and partly a means to
attention and power. Suzanne's mother flirted with every man she met until she was into
her 90s. The family was amused but Suzanne is troubled by the implication that her
mother never had a sense of self outside of being the caregiver of so many children and a
pleaser of men. Suzanne acknowledges that women often use sexuality and attractiveness
to get what they want. This doesn't seem negative to her as long as no one is being hurt
and as long as it is not the only basis of her identity. In the past, she felt annoyed that all
people saw was her physical appearance but realizes now she never showed anyone that
she also has a brain.
Suzanne considers sexuality to be very strongly linked to sense of self. At times
when she does not feel good about herself, her sexuality disappears; she has no interest in
sex. Whereas some women use sex to feel better about themselves, for her, feeling bad just ruins the quality of the sex. When Suzanne feels confident and happy, sex is an
important element of her overall identity. She flirts more and feels sexier. She is better
able to listen to her intuition and make honest and wise choices about her sexual
encounters. She is better able to give herself, body and mind, to the experience. Sex
becomes a genuine expression of pleasure and caring.
Part of feeling good or bad about herself is tied up in body image. She used to feel
very comfortable with her body and with nudity but is now much more self-conscious of 275 her weight. Suzanne sees women as being victimized by a culture that pressures them to look a certain way, expects certain sexual behaviours, pits them against one another in competition for men. It seems there is no way to win in the dichotomy of slut or frigid-- you are wrong if you use your sexuality and wrong if you don't.
Suzanne had an affair with another man as a means to ending her unhappy marriage. She regrets it because it went against her own values and was hurtful to others.
However, it also opened the door for her to explore herself and her sexuality in new ways. The first man that she was with after her divorce was totally dedicated to her pleasure in bed. This awakened of a whole different scope to her sexuality and gave her permission to explore what she wants and how much. These experiences have helped her to clarify what she will expect in a future relationship. She sometimes doubts her ability to have a meaningful and healthy relationship but also knows that she is happiest being independent right now. After years of being a caregiver, Suzanne is learning herself, what she wants, expects, and needs to feel secure and happy.
Her main message about sexuality is that it should be fun but it is also a gift; there are physical and emotional consequences of giving it to the wrong person. She sought to teach her children to have a sense of self-worth to guide their relationships and sexual choices. Being with Suzanne and her little black cat felt like meeting with a friend of my mom's for a chat--that we talked about sex and sexuality was the unusual part of that.
Suzanne was warm and open and her ideas challenged me to think of some things in new ways. I appreciated her honesty about her struggles and her enthusiasm about the project. APPENDIX C
Introductory Letter
My name is Corinne Borbridge and I am a graduate student in the Department of Educational Psychology at The University of Calgary. I am conducting a research project under the supervision of Dr. Kathy Cairns as part of the requirements towards an Ph.D. in Counselling Psychology. I am writing to provide information regarding my research project on women's personal meanings and experiences sex and sexuality.
The purpose of this study is to explore what it means to women to be sexual and how thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to sexuality are interpreted by women. I will be conducting interviews with any women over the age of 45 who volunteer to speak with me. The interviews will be a conversation with you about sexuality and sexual desire. I am interested in the way you have come to understand yourself as a sexual being through the positive and negative messages, experiences, and influences you may have had. From there, we will develop together an understanding of the topic from your perspective.
There will be two interviews of one hour each, with the possibility of additional interview time to be negotiated. You will be given a copy of the transcript from your interview and my summary so that you have the chance to clarify or elaborate on any of your input. You may request that parts of the tape or transcript be altered or not used in the final dissertation.
Care will be taken to protect your anonymity if you choose to participate. Interviews will be tape recorded and then transcribed into written text. You will be identified only by pseudonym during the research and in any presentations andlor publications. All information will be kept in a secure location by the researcher and tapes will be erased after three years in accordance with university policy. Tapes and written transcripts will be available only to myself and Dr. Cairns. You should be aware that, even if you give your permission, you are free to withdraw at any time for any reason and without penalty. Should you have any concerns or experience any distress related to the research topic, appropriate support will be available to you.
If you are interested in participating in this study, or would like more information, please contact me at 284-8900 or e-mail [email protected]. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Corinne Borbridge, M.Sc., Chartered Psychologist Informed Consent
I, the undersigned, hereby give my consent to participate in a study which will ask me to explore my experiences and personal interpretations of sex and sexuality.
I understand that my consent involves participating in at least two interviews of approximately one hour each, with the possibility of additional interviews to be negotiated. I understand that these interviews will be audiotaped and transcribed. I will be identified only by my chosen pseudonym and I know that care is being taken to protect my anonymity throughout the research process and in any future publications and/or presentations.
I know that I will be provided with interview summaries, and will have authority over what is shared from the transcripts of my interviews. I am aware that the tapesltranscripts will be used by the interviewer for the purpose of this research project and that tapes will be erased after three years in accordance with University of Calgary policy.
I understand that I may, at any time, discontinue my participation in this study at my own discretion or by request of the investigator. Participation in this project and/or withdrawal from this project will not adversely affect me in any way. I understand that reflecting on issues of my sexuality may benefit me personally and/or may cause me some distress. I know that appropriate support, such as professional counsellors, will be made available to me should I have any concerns.
I have a copy of this consent form for my records. I understand that if I have any questions I can contact any of the numbers listed below.
SIGNATURE DATE
PARTICIPANT'S PRINTED NAME CHOSEN PSEUDONYM
Corinne Borbridge, Researcher Dr. Kathy Cairns, Professor and Research Supervisor Chair, Faculty of Education Joint Ethics Committee Office of the Vice-President (Research) APPENDIX E
Sample Follow-up Letter
Dear Suzanne,
As per our telephone conversation, attached is the interview summary from our meeting in January. Please review my summary and feel free to make any changes you wish. You can edit right on the page if that's easiest for you. I want to be sure that I have all the facts straight and that I have captured the essence of what you.told me during our interview. It's very important to me to have your input on this.
Also, I am enclosing a copy of my introduction chapter in case you do not still have it. If you have any thoughts on this, I would love to hear them. The purpose of the follow-up interview is to give you a chance to clarifL any of the previous information you gave and to tell me anything else that you want to add to the conversation about won~en's sexuality. I may have a few other questions to ask you as well, such as:
What do you think sexuality means for us as women indepeizdently of our relationships/interactioizs with others? What do you think institutions such as media, school, church or medicine need to do or do differently to help woinen gain a positive sexual identity? What are a couple of the key experiences that have injluenced how you have come to know yourself over tinze? How does sexualitypt in with that? Wzat lzas the process of participating in this research been like for you? Did you notice yourself thinking or talking about these issues after our meeting?
If it is easier for you to write down your thoughts on these questions, that is fine with me. You can send information to me by mail or e-mail as above. I truly appreciate your thoughts on these and any other issues that you might think of regarding women's sexuality. Thank you so much, Suzanne, for your participation and for kindly putting me in touch with Brenda and Loretta. I look fonvard to meeting with you again!
Sincerely,