Hank & Gretchen

HANK & GRETCHEN: A MODERN RE-TELLING OF HANSEL & GRETEL; OR BECAUSE CANDY IS THAT GOOD

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Book & Lyrics by Stacy Davidowitz

Music by Mark T Evans

This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study.

www.youthplays.com [email protected] 424-703-5315 Hank & Gretchen: A Modern Re-telling of Hansel & Gretel; or Because Candy is That Good © 2012 Book & Lyrics, Stacy Davidowitz; Music, Mark T Evans All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-517-8.

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Have a question about copyright? Please contact us by email at [email protected] or by phone at 424-703-5315. When in doubt, please ask. CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

Narrators; Sally Soda Pop's grandparents: GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY, prefers the fruitier of sweets, a bit of a jokester. GRANDMA SHIRLEY T, responsible and driven, the butt of jokes. GRANDPA PEZ, kid-friendly and goofy, loves to dance. GRANDMA HOME-BAKED, sweet and silly, makes the best cookies in the world. SUGAR DADDY, homeless rapper-comedian with a destructive addiction to candy. HANK, sweet boy who ranks second to his sister in about everything, crushes on Sally. GRETCHEN, competitive, super witty girl with a bit of a 'tude; a vegetable lover. PAPA, Hank and Gretchen's father; gentle, defensive and easily swayed. BARBIE YAGA, Hank and Gretchen's step-mother; a cursed Stepford Wife-like witch on an evil mission. SALLY SODA POP, Hank and Gretchen's friend; loyal, ambitious, whip-smart; a gymnast with a nasty habit of chewing her jump-rope. Crowd (at times all, at times some): MR. CANDY APPLE, dry, sardonic teacher who has focused his curriculum on candy. JOLLY RANCHER, Master of Ceremonies; a very jolly crowd pleaser; eats till he's sick. PIXY STIX, know-it-all townsperson who talks a mile a minute. Performers: MIKE & IKE, two brothers trained in Karate; good negotiators, play as a team. NUTRAGEOUS, outrageous hoarder who eats only chocolate and nuts. POP ROCKS, super hyper candy diva who loves to sing pop. HENRY, protective talent show judge with a weird appetite. MAYOR CARAMELLO, motivational speaker with a type A personality; a problem-solver. Forest of Trees: STUMPY, stump of a tree with high hopes for change. ANCIENT RINGS, oldest of the trees, pragmatic. LEAFY GREEN, imaginative, lackadaisical tree who loves to chillax. BABA YAGA, Hank and Gretchen's step-grandma, an evil witch on an evil mission; runs the addictive candy factory in the woods.

NOTES

8 M, 8 F, 7 gender flexible roles, unlimited Ensemble. Male roles with gender flexibility: Jolly Rancher, Mr. Candy Apple, Stumpy, Ancient Rings, Leafy Green. Female roles with gender flexibility: NutRageous, Mayor Caramello. Cast of 20—22: Forest of Trees may double as any of the Grandparents. Cast of 23: Performers may double as Students. Cast of 24 or more: Unlimited number of Students/Crowd can also serve as Forest of Trees.

SOME MORE NOTES

A slash denotes a suggested point of overlap between one speaker's line and the next speaker's line.

The star (*) that occasionally appears in front of character names refers to lines that can be redistributed from those characters to alternate ensemble members.

The stage directions do not need to be taken literally. They are intended to stimulate the imagination of the creative team and can be implemented in a way that works best within your production!

TECHNICAL REQUIREMENTS

If the set is minimal, the costumes will pop. The play works well with four standing flats, two of which are placed upstage center and are reversible (reflecting Hank and Gretchen's home and the Candy Town). The other two flats are for the interior of Baba Yaga's factory (can slide between the two Candy Town flats) and the exterior of Baba Yaga's candy factory (can be revealed upstage left or right). Suggested set pieces include a rolling table/cart and four chairs for Act I, Scene 3. SONGS

Opening: The World of the Play: Crowd Old Candy Versus New Candy: Grandparents Beggin' for Candy: Sugar Daddy & Female Back-Up Singers Candy Flavor Study Song: Hank & Gretchen Candy Makes Me Happy: Sally Soda Pop & Crowd The Vacation Song: Barbie Yaga & Papa Conviction of Addiction: Grandparents & Crowd Help!: Sugar Daddy Open the Gates, Dude: Stumpy, Ancient Rings, Leafy Green Yaga Tango: Barbie Yaga & Baba Yaga Abba-Zaba!: Baba Yaga & Female Back-Up Singers Candy March: Sally Soda Pop & Crowd Open the Gates, Dude (Reprise): Stumpy, Ancient Rings, Leafy Green The Confessions: Sugar Daddy & Baba Yaga Veggie Study Song: Mr. Candy Apple, Gretchen, Crowd The Moral of the Story: Crowd

"In children's books forests are sometimes made out of all-day suckers, boulders out of peppermints and rivers out of gently flowing, rippling molasses taffy. Such books are less fantastic than they sound, for such localities exist, and one day a girl, herself little more than a child, sat dejected in the middle of one. It was all hers, she owned it; she owned Candy Town."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

8 Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans

ACT I SCENE 1: THE VERY BEGINNING: A PROLOGUE AND THEN SOME MORE. (The GRANDPARENTS are our jokester quartet of narrators and should perhaps behave like a four-headed animal.)

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: A time of once.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Once the time upon.

GRANDPA PEZ: Upon once time.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Time is upon once.

GRANDPARENTS: Once upon a time!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: You might think this is going to be one of those tales.

GRANDPA PEZ: One of those tales that you've heard before.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Well, isn't it?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: No. (Beat.) Before we can reveal to you the double trouble team—

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Hansel and Gretel—

GRANDPA PEZ: Hank and Gretchen. (Off of Grandma Home- Baked's look of confusion:) It's Americanized. Hank is. Gretchen is still German—

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: (Coming in strongly:) We have to introduce you to the world of the—

GRANDPA PEZ: WORLD.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: OF.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: THE. (Beat.) Sweet Cakes?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: It's faster if you don't interrupt. / The entire town is waiting—

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: We'll start again.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: No, honey pocket, please.

GRANDPA PEZ: WORLD.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: OF.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: THE.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Play! The play! World of the play! A little straightforward, non-quartet exposition is all I'm asking for. Townspeople! (The CROWD enters.)

SUGAR DADDY: And a one, a two, a one two three!

Opening: The World of the Play

ALL: WE WAKE UP EV'RY MORNING TO THE SMELL OF SWEETS BRUSH OUR TEETH, READ THE NEWS GOBBLE UP MORE TREATS

KIDS TO SCHOOL, ADULTS TO WORK SAME OLD SMALL TOWN SCENE EXCEPT WE GOT A SYSTEM DOWN OUR ECONOMY'S NOT QUITE GREEN

THIS IS OUR TOWN AND IN OUR TOWN WE EAT THE CANDY WE TRADE CANDY'S MONEY MONEY'S CANDY NO MORE PAPER BILLS ARE PAID

SUGAR DADDY: After all, you can't eat paper!

ALL: EVEN THOUGH CANDY'S HEAVY AND PAPER IS LIGHTWEIGHT IT'S WORTH THE LUG FOR SUGAR HIGHS SWEETEST CURRENCY TO DATE

OUR EDUCATION HAS SHIFTED WE WORK UNTIL WE CRASH OTHER TOWNS ARE JEALOUS OF OUR SUPER CANDY STASH

DOES THIS SOUND SUSPICIOUS ARE YOU WORRIED IT'S A SHAM WELL, YOUR WORRY IS NOT WELCOME WOULD YOU RATHER WE TRADE HAM?

SUGAR DADDY: Yum!

ALL: Eww.

WHEN WE'RE HUNGRY WE EAT OUR MONEY EVEN THOUGH IT'S IN HIGH DEMAND CANDY'S MONEY MONEY'S CANDY THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND

SUGAR DADDY: It's all good until the recession hits!

ALL: CANDY'S MONEY MONEY'S CANDY THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND

SUGAR DADDY: Candy land!

ALL: CANDY'S MONEY MONEY'S CANDY THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND

OH THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED/GRANDPAS: OH THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND!

GRANDMA FRUIT CASSIDY: Sing it!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED/GRANDPAS: OH THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: OK, OK. Song's over. And now for the—

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: US!

GRANDPA PEZ: US!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: US!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: I was going to say, "plot," but fine, we'll introduce ourselves first.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED/GRANDPAS: Goodie goodie Gumdrops!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: I'm Grandpa Fruit Cassidy. I like fruit-flavored candy.

GRANDPA PEZ: Even in a world of cookies and chocolate?

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Fruit by the Foot is healthy...er.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: I'm Grandma Shirley T. I make a mean Shirley Temple. I'm also Shirley Temple.

GRANDPA PEZ: You're off your Rock Candy.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Are you calling me un-cute?

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: You can't even tap dance.

GRANDPA PEZ: I'm Grandpa Pez.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: He dispenses candy.

GRANDPA PEZ: Well, it's just that when kids ask me for candy I can't resist.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Show them your dispension dance.

GRANDPA PEZ: Cookie, it's embarrassing! There are no kids around.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Oh, go ahead! (Grandpa Pez performs the candy dispension dance and produces an enlarged candy bar or Pez.)

GRANDMAS/GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: (Applauding:) M-Azing!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: I am, Ladies and Gents, I am—

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Grandma Home-Baked.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Hey, I wanted to say that. I am Grandma—

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Home-Baked.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Hey! I wanted to... I am Grandma Home—

GRANDPA PEZ: Baked. (Grandpa Fruit Cassidy, Grandma Shirley T and Grandpa Pez burst into uproarious laughter.)

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Forget it. I make cookies. They're good.

GRANDPA PEZ: They are good.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Like really, really wonderful.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: OK, enough of us. Now for the—

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: PLOT!

GRANDPA PEZ: PLOT!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: PLOT!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Must you do that every time?

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY/GRANDPA PEZ: Yes.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Life was pretty simple when Hank and Gretchen's mother was the candy woman in town.

GRANDPA PEZ: Our very own chocolatier.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: She made the best chocolate and jelly rings in the whole world.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: But then she died.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Shirley, why you gotta be all negative?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: I'm not. I'm just telling the story. She died.

GRANDPAS/GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Shirley!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Really? I mean, come on! Her death is pretty integral to the plot.

GRANDPAS/GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Yeah? I don't know...you think?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: It fueled the whole old candy versus new candy thing we've got going on!

Old Candy Versus New Candy

CHARLOTTE WAS THE SWEETEST MOTHER ON THE BLOCK

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: HER CANDY PURE, IDEAS SO SURE SPECIALS ALWAYS IN STOCK

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: OUR ECONOMY WAS BORING THEN WE TRADED COINS NOT GUMMIES

GRANDPA PEZ: OUR CURRENT CALORIC CURRENCY NONEXISTENT IN OUR TUMMIES

GRANDPARENTS: UNTIL ONE DAY EV'RYTHING CHANGED CHARLOTTE'S HEART SKIPPED TOO MANY BEATS-

SUGAR DADDY: Poison! It was poison!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Sugar Daddy! You're not supposed to be narrating this part of the plot!

GRANDPARENTS: UNTIL ONE DAY EV'RYTHING CHANGED CHARLOTTE'S HEART SKIPPED TOO MANY BEATS-

SUGAR DADDY: You really don't think someone poisoned her chocolate?

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Go away, Sugar Daddy!

GRANDPA PEZ: And take your morbid accusations with you!

GRANDPARENTS: UNTIL ONE DAY EV'RYTHING CHANGED CHARLOTTE'S HEART SKIPPED TOO MANY BEATS SHE DIED RIGHT IN HER CANDY SHOP AMONGST HER CHOCOLATE TREATS

GRANDMAS: EV'RYONE WAS SHOCKED THE CANDY SHOP CLOSED DOWN

GRANDPAS: PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT A CHOCOLATIER IN TOWN

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: WE ALL CRIED FOR WEEKS BEHAVIOR STRAYED FROM THE NORM

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: DEPRIVED OF OUR CANDY THE TOWN WAS ITCHING FOR REFORM

GRANDPA PEZ: AND THAT'S RIGHT WHEN IT HAPPENED NEW CANDY JUST APPEARED

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: IN MASS QUANTITIES DELIVERED IT WAS JUST WHAT PAPA FEARED

GRANDPARENTS: EVENTUALLY THE CANDY BECAME THE CURRENCY WHY USE COINS FOR CHOCOLATE BARS WHEN CANDY CAN BE THE FEE?

THE MYSTERY STILL REMAINS WHERE IS THIS CANDY FROM? WHO IS BEHIND THIS SECRET FACTORY PRODUCING ADDICTIVE GUM?

SUGAR DADDY: Yes, they said "addictive." You are not mistaken.

GRANDPA PEZ: Sugar Daddy, don't be so literal. It's not actually addictive!

SUGAR DADDY: Exactly, it's actually addictive.

GRANDPARENTS: Huh?

AND THAT IS HOW WE WENT FROM OLD CANDY TO NEW ALTHOUGH WE MISS OUR CHARLOTTE

THIS NEW CANDY WILL DO!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Except for Papa.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: He hates the new candy.

GRANDPA PEZ: Bright, syrupy globs...

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Chocolate coated chunks of fructose...

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Wrapped up in pizzazz...

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: And falsity!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: So he forbids Hank and Gretchen to eat it.

GRANDPA PEZ: It makes him too sad, disgusted really, to see his kids eat anything but their mother's pure, wholesome sweets.

SUGAR DADDY: Papa's on to them! Perhaps he knows...don't trust the big guys...the big guys in disguise!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Sugar Daddy, stop talking nonsense!

GRANDPA PEZ: Anyway, Hank and Gretchen are good little children. They listen. (Focus is now on HANK and GRETCHEN at the front of the stage, sitting at a table mid-meal, forks and knives in hand, eating giant vegetables. Gretchen eats contently; Hank holds his nose as he consumes the head of a broccoli.)

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Haven't touched sweets in five years. Completely pure they are!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: They won't even eat my cookies!

GRANDPA PEZ: And they're good! They're really, really good!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Thank you. Again. (Hank and Gretchen exit.)

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Wait, did we mention that their Papa remarried?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Oh, right! That's important. Barbie. Barbie Yaga.

GRANDPA PEZ: What an awful woman, Barbie Yaga.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: That's not nice!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: She's not nice. (BARBIE YAGA and PAPA appear in the back of the theatre or from the wings. Barbie Yaga behaves like a Stepford Wife—a brainwashed, eerily perfect housewife; though she lacks the submission and docility that ordinarily accompanies the pop culture term. We catch them mid-conversation:)

BARBIE YAGA: Yes!

PAPA: But Sweet Tooth...

BARBIE YAGA: No buts. Do you want to make this marriage work or not? I love you. Do you love me?

PAPA: Of course. (Barbie Yaga pops a Tic Tac into her mouth from a prescription bottle labeled "Mom's Curse." It changes her every time, physically and emotionally. To put it frankly, the Tic Tac makes her meaner, less genuine, less human, more evil Stepford Wife- like. She goes from a 5 to a 10 on the villain scale with every consumption.)

BARBIE YAGA: More or less than your children?

(Sugar Daddy cuts in. Barbie Yaga and Papa exit.)

SUGAR DADDY: You know, some people think Barbie Yaga's the one who poisoned—

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Shhhh.

SUGAR DADDY: You don't think Barbie Yaga's the one who poisoned—

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Sugar Daddy, are you gonna let us tell the story or what?

GRANDPA PEZ: You're confusing the audience with your wacky conspiracy theories.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: It's ridiculous.

SUGAR DADDY: Or is it?

GRANDMAS: What? (Pause. Sugar Daddy stares and smiles strangely at the Grandparents.)

GRANDPARENTS: What are you staring at?

SUGAR DADDY: You're funny, grandparents! Really adorable. Really good-looking. Magnifi-cocoa, in fact.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Don't give him anything.

SUGAR DADDY: What? I didn't even ask for anything.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Oh, come on Sugar Daddy. We all know you're gonna burst into song any second—

Beggin' for Candy

SUGAR DADDY: (Rapping:) I LIKE CANDY IT RHYMES WITH DANDY I PREFER BUNCH A CRUNCH

FOR DINNER OR FOR LUNCH PLEASE LET ME HAVE SOME DON'T HAND ME NO BUBBLE GUM

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Well, why no Bubble Gum?

SUGAR DADDY: You can't swallow it.

GRANDPA PEZ: So?

SUGAR DADDY: I'm hungry.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: OK, OK, shoo, Sugar Dad—

FEMALE BACK-UP SINGERS: BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY WE'RE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Now, where did they come from? (Grandpa Pez is dancing, humming the chorus of the song.)

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Are you dancing?

GRANDPA PEZ: Sorry.

SUGAR DADDY: (Rapping:) MY TUMMY'S SCREAMIN' SO I'M A' SCHEMIN' I WANT A LOLLY SO BE A DOLLY I AIN'T STEALIN' NOR CANDY DEALIN'

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: That's right, you're not stealin' or dealin' cause you're—

FEMALE BACK-UP SINGERS: BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY WE'RE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE

SUGAR DADDY: OH IT CRACKLES AND IT CRUNCHES MELTS AND IT MUNCHES TARTS AND IT POPS BURSTS AND IT CHOPS OOZES AND IZZLES AND SLIDES AND IT SIZZLES

FEMALE BACK-UP SINGERS: BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY WE'RE BEGGIN' FOR CANDY OO WEE

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: We get it. Beggin', beggin' for candy.

SUGAR DADDY/FEMALE BACK-UP SINGERS: BEGGIN' FOR CANDY—

GRANDPARENTS: We get it!

GRANDPA PEZ: Sugar Daddy, you should be using whatever we give you as money.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: To get some new clothes so you can interview for a job!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Are you going to do that?

GRANDPA PEZ: Or just eat the candy and get wired?

SUGAR DADDY: Eat the candy.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Well, then Bar None for you.

SUGAR DADDY: I mean, use the candy to buy a tie for uh...uh...

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: A job interview?

SUGAR DADDY: Bulldozer!

GRANDPA PEZ: You mean bulls-eye?

SUGAR DADDY: That's right, Sugar Daddy!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: But that's your name.

SUGAR DADDY: That's where it's at, Kit Kat! (The Grandparents hand over some candy to Sugar Daddy, and he goes off, totally invigorated and crazy. He bumps into SALLY SODA POP, who's chewing an edible jump rope.)

SALLY SODA POP: Watch it, Sugar Daddy! (Sally Soda Pop does some sort of gymnastics move, perhaps just a cartwheel, and is handed a soda can labeled "Shirley Temple" by Grandma Shirley T. She chugs. She finishes. She burps. Oh, and she may or may not have a lisp.)

I love soda so so much. I love soda so so so so much. It's so Fanta-stic and makes me silly!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Good burp, Sally Soda Pop.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Come over here and let us give you a Kiss! (Sally Soda Pop opens her hands to her Grandparents who together give her a giant Hershey Kiss or a handful of normal sized ones.)

SALLY SODA POP: Sweet!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Little Sally, we were just talking about your friends, Hank and Gretchen!

SALLY SODA POP: You're always talking about them.

GRANDPA PEZ: Well, they are the main characters.

SALLY SODA POP: Can I be a main character?

GRANDMAS: No. GRANDPAS: Yes.

GRANDPARENTS: (Overlapping:) Hey! Here they are! Hank! Gretchen! Oh, they're studying!

SCENE 2: STUDY STUDY STUDY. (Hank and Gretchen enter. As the song progresses, and the intensity sky rockets, Hank and Gretchen remain physically focused on a single point. The ENSEMBLE creates a percussion to drive the song.)

Candy Flavor Study Song

HANK: ALMOND.

GRETCHEN: AMARETTO.

HANK: APPLE. APRICOT.

GRETCHEN: BANANA CRÈME. BAVARIAN CRÈME. BLACK WALNUT.

HANK: BLACKBERRY. BLUEBERRY. BUBBLEGUM.

GRETCHEN: BUTTER. BUTTER RUM. BUTTERSCOTCH.

HANK: CARAMEL. CHEESECAKE. CHOCOLATE. CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT. CINNAMON. CINNAMON ROLL.

GRETCHEN: COCONUT. COFFEE. COTTON CANDY.

HANK: EGGNOG. ENGLISH TOFFEE. GINGER. GRAPE. GRAPEFRUIT. GUAVA.

GRETCHEN: HONEY, KEY LIME, LICORICE, MAPLE, MARSHMALLOW, MINT, NUTMEG, PEANUT BUTTER.

HANK: PECAN, PEPPERMINT, PINA COLADA, PISTACHIO, PLUM, POMEGRANATE, PRALINE, PUMPKIN.

GRETCHEN: ROOT BEER, SALT WATER TAFFY, SPEARMINT, TANGERINE, TEABERRY. TUTTI-FRUTTI AND...

HANK: WINTERGREEN!

GRETCHEN: We're totally gonna get a 100 Calorie Pack score on the test tomorrow!

SALLY SODA POP: Oh, Hank!

GRETCHEN: Go away, Sally Soda Pop, we're studying.

SALLY SODA POP: You forgot Vanilla Butternut.

HANK: Oh yeah! Vanilla Butternut.

SALLY SODA POP: And you didn't differentiate between artificial and natural, King Size and Fun Size.

GRETCHEN: That part's not even gonna be on the test.

SALLY SODA POP: Hank, you look really nice today. Hank the Big Hunk!

HANK: Thanks. Your tongue is Red Hot.

SALLY SODA POP: Cause I chugged a Shirley Temple! And I've been chewing on this old thing! (Sally Soda Pop holds up her gnawed jump rope, wraps it around her; it's her security blanket.)

GRETCHEN: Gross.

HANK: What are you doing tonight?

SALLY SODA POP: Eating more candy.

GRETCHEN: It's gonna make you fat.

SALLY SODA POP: I have a really fast metabolism. I'm a gymnast. And I jump rope.

GRETCHEN: Not if you keep eating it. You'll have nothing to jump with.

SALLY SODA POP: I know your mom had an awful run-in with poisoned chocolate, but not all candy is bad. In fact, it's very good for you.

GRETCHEN: Our mother died from heart failure.

SALLY SODA POP: After she was poisoned.

HANK: I don't think it's good for you, Sally. Candy, that is.

Candy Makes Me Happy

SALLY SODA POP: FOR MY MENTAL HEALTHY STATE CANDY IN MY MOUTH IS GREAT SO MUCH SUGAR'S WORTH THE PRICE IT'S NICE.

THINK ON CANDY ALL THE TIME LIKE WHEN I DANCE AND WHEN I RHYME WHEN I STUDY, WHEN I CLIMB IT'S NO CRIME.

EVEN WHEN NOT SMELLING IT OR BREATHING IT CARESSING IT CHEWING IT AND SAV'RING IT CONSUMING IT LOVING IT AND LIVING IT ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME

SALLY SODA POP: Townspeople! (Sugar Daddy pops out from behind the scenery on stage or from the audience.)

SUGAR DADDY: Hey-yo! (Sally Soda Pop, Hank, and Gretchen scream.)

CROWD: (Entering from strange places:) LAUGHTER OVER CHOCOLATE BARS GREEDY HANDS IN COOKIE JARS SUGAR SORT OF MAKES US HIGH DON'T KNOW WHY.

IN CHOCOLATE WE DREAM FOR CANDY'S ON OUR TEAM SUGAR'S ALWAYS ON OUR SIDE OPEN WIDE.

SALLY SODA POP: See?

CROWD/SALLY SODA POP: FOR MY MENTAL HEALTHY STATE CANDY IN MY MOUTH IS GREAT SO MUCH SUGAR'S WORTH THE PRICE IT'S NICE.

THINK ON CANDY ALL THE TIME LIKE WHEN I DANCE AND WHEN I RHYME WHEN I STUDY, WHEN I CLIMB IT'S NO CRIME.

EVEN WHEN NOT SMELLING IT OR BREATHING IT CARESSING IT CHEWING IT AND SAV'RING IT CONSUMING IT LOVING IT AND LIVING IT © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Hank & Gretchen 27

ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME

CANDY MAKES ME SO HAPPY (10X—PARTY CODA)

GRETCHEN: Sounds like you're addicted.

SALLY SODA POP: (Chewing her jump rope ravenously:) Maybe.

PAPA: (Calling from offstage:) Hank! Gretchen! Come on inside. Your...Barbie and I...have some, uh, news.

BARBIE YAGA: (Calling from offstage:) Exciting news!!!

PAPA: (Calling from offstage:) Uh, yes, exciting news.

HANK: I guess we have to go.

SALLY SODA POP: If you two want to study more later, or just you, Hank, I'll be sipping sweet Soda Pop from my Sour Straw. Or Twizzler. No, Sour Straw. Well, they both work but—

GRETCHEN: We don't like candy, Sally, get over it.

SALLY SODA POP: Don't like it or not allowed to eat it?

GRETCHEN: Both!

SALLY SODA POP: Everyone misses your mom's chocolate and jelly rings. She was the sweetest, bestest chocolatier in the world.

HANK: Thanks, Sally. That's really nice of you to say.

SALLY SODA POP: It's certainly true. I wouldn't say it unless it was certainly true.

BARBIE YAGA: Sweet Tarts! What is taking you two so long?

SALLY SODA POP: I'm outta here. Barbie Yaga is one Atomic Fireball.

(Sally Soda Pop skips away. Barbie Yaga comes out smiling, pulls Hank and Gretchen aside, pops a Tic Tac, and breaks her smile.)

BARBIE YAGA: Here's the deal, chicken legs. Your father and I are gonna sing an announcement at dinner. You two are gonna act real excited. You'll laugh, say yes, be merry. OK?

GRETCHEN: You can't tell us what to do. You're not our mother. Hank?

HANK: Uh...yeah!

BARBIE YAGA: If you two candy-less Yodels don't do what I say, I'll send you far away from here, far from your Papa where you'll have no laughter, no friends, no fun!

HANK/GRETCHEN: You can't do that!

BARBIE YAGA: Can.

HANK/GRETCHEN: Can't.

BARBIE YAGA: Can!

HANK/GRETCHEN: Can't!

BARBIE YAGA: Just you try me. Your father and I both think it's in your best interest for you to go to boarding school in Funless Dip, USA. I hear they have lots of...lots of...

HANK: What?

BARBIE YAGA: Oh, I'm sorry. Lost my train of thought. (Pops a Tic Tac:) Lots of NOTHING.

PAPA: (From offstage:) Butter Dove? Hank? Gretchen?

BARBIE YAGA: Coming, Teddy Graham! (Beat.) Let's go take care of business.

SCENE 3: DINNER WITH THE FAM.

PAPA: Barbie / thinks a vacation should be in order.

BARBIE YAGA: And I. We.

PAPA: I / love you so much.

BARBIE YAGA: We.

PAPA: And would love to, well, do you want a break?

GRETCHEN: From what?

HANK: School break's not till next month.

PAPA: Right, well...

The Vacation Song

BARBIE YAGA: YOU TWO WORK SO HARD GRETCHEN STUDIES ALL THE TIME HANK, YOU DO...OTHER THINGS WHICH IS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FINE.

HANK: What other things?

BARBIE YAGA: WE REALLY NEED SOME TIME OFF YOU KIDS ARE ALWAYS AROUND

GRETCHEN: Well, we live here.

BARBIE YAGA: AND IT'S BEEN INSANELY STRESSFUL WITH THE "CAND-OO" IN THIS TOWN.

GRETCHEN: You can say the real word. No one's gonna hurt you.

PAPA: Gretchen, not in this house!

BARBIE YAGA: IF YOU VISIT YOUR STEP- GRANDMOTHER YOU'LL HAVE THE SWEETEST TIME © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 30 Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans

LAUGHING THERE FOR HOURS

GRETCHEN: That sounds painful.

BARBIE YAGA: FUN JUST AIN'T NO CRIME.

HANK: Step-grandmother? I've never heard of her.

GRETCHEN: You've never mentioned her before.

BARBIE YAGA: Well, I've been very shy about my family because I so wanted to be a part of yours.

FROM THE SECOND I MET YOUR FATHER HE WAS WONDERF'LLY RICH. IN PERSONALITY, STRENGTH AND LOVE, OBVIOUSLY. WHICH IS WHY WE ARE PROPOSING YOU SPEND TIME WITH THE WITCH.

HANK/GRETCHEN: Huh?

GRETCHEN: That doesn't even make any sense!

HANK: We're visiting a witch?

HANK/GRETCHEN: Papa!

BARBIE YAGA: DON'T YOU PUSH POP, KIDS!

PAPA: WE BOTH THINK THIS IS BEST

BARBIE YAGA: TIME ALONE IS TIME TO HONE IT'S TIME TO FLEE THE NEST

BARBIE YAGA: IF YOU VISIT YOUR STEP- GRANDMOTHER

PAPA: YOU'LL HAVE THE SWEETEST TIME

BARBIE YAGA/PAPA: LAUGHING THERE FOR HOURS FUN JUST AIN'T NO-

PAPA: Well, honey doll, maybe it is—maybe we can wait—

BARBIE YAGA: MY DEAREST CHOCOLATE BUNNY DON'T LET THE SMALL FOLKS WIN

HANK: We're not small folks, we're kids.

BARBIE YAGA: THEY'LL BE GONE FOR JUST A WEEK IT SURELY IS NO SIN (Popping a bunch of Tic Tacs:) I KNOW YOU'RE STRESSED BUT DON'T DISTRESS CAUSE BUTTER BEAR, I MUST CONFESS I LOVE YOU, YES TO AN EXCESS I CAN'T SUPPRESS MY FEELING BLESSED CAUSE YOU POSSESS THE BEST ADDRESS WHICH IS WHY WE'LL PRESS THE KIDS' RECESS TO MY NOBLESSE WHERE THEY'LL BE GUESTS

PAPA: Not be oppressed.

BARBIE YAGA: Right! Not be oppressed. Yet we digress.

I MEAN TO EXPRESS: IT WILL GET YOUR MIND OFF THIS MESS CAUSE THERE'S ALL THIS FUSS OVER... SO MUCH FUSS OVER... YOU'VE SEEN THE FUSS OVER...

GRETCHEN: Candy?

BARBIE YAGA: Gretchen!

PAPA: Oh, your mother is Rolo-ing in her grave!

BARBIE YAGA: Have some consideration for your Papa! Flaunting "cand-oo" in this house, coming home smelling of sugar...

GRETCHEN: It's not like we're eating it.

HANK: The kids at school are.

GRETCHEN: And it's part of our curriculum. We're studying "the sweet that shall not be named" in English, Math, Social Studies, and Science.

BARBIE YAGA: Just call it "cand-oo."

GRETCHEN: That's stupid.

BARBIE YAGA: What's stupid is that you have your father in your life and can't manage to treat him with 16 ounces of respect! I don't even know who my father is! WHO IS HE???

PAPA: Oh, Angel Cake, it's alright! Love muffin...

WHEN THEY VISIT YOUR MOTHER THEY'LL HAVE THE SWEETEST TIME LAUGHING THERE FOR HOURS FUN JUST AIN'T NO CRIME.

HANK: When would we even go?

PAPA: Later. BARBIE YAGA: Now.

HANK: Now and later?

BARBIE YAGA: Later, later. Next week.

HANK: That's when Sally Soda Pop's Gymnastics Slash Dance Slash Talent Tournament is!

GRETCHEN: That's when, uh, school is. We have tests and studying and...

PAPA: Enough! It's final: Barbie and I are going to spend some time alone and you two are going to stay with your step- grandma.

BARBIE YAGA: Baba Yaga.

GRETCHEN/HANK: Baba Yaga?

PAPA: WHEN YOU VISIT YOUR STEP-GRANDMOTHER YOU'LL HAVE THE SWEETEST TIME

PAPA/BARBIE YAGA: LAUGHING THERE FOR HOURS FUN JUST AIN'T NO CRIME!

SCENE 4: BREAKIN' THE NEWS. (STUDENTS eat candy compulsively while finishing their tests.)

MR. CANDY APPLE: Candy down, candy down...excuse me! Candy down!

SALLY SODA POP: (Whispering to Hank:) Don't forget Vanilla Butternut.

MR. CANDY APPLE: (Eating a candy apple:) Sally Soda Pop! (Beat.) Alright, kids. Seriously, we're done here. Hand 'em over.

GRETCHEN: (Whispering to Hank:) It's like they're all actually addicted. I was joking before, but...

HANK: I know.

MR. CANDY APPLE: Class: over. Test: done. Candy: chewed. Make sure you remember all your sweets before you leave or else I'm keeping them, consuming them, digesting them. Enjoy your weekend, Sugar Plums!

SALLY SODA POP: How do you think you did?

GRETCHEN: Perfectly. HANK: Fine. (Beat.)

So...Sally, I want to talk to you about your Gymnastics Slash Dance Slash Talent Tournament coming up.

SALLY SODA POP: I got you a ticket, don't worry! And you too, Gretchen, just in case.

GRETCHEN: Can't go.

HANK: Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you. I can't go either.

SALLY SODA POP: Oh, Chupa Chups!

GRETCHEN: Tell her why, Hank. Don't just stand there Goober-ing.

HANK: I'm not Goobering! Anyway, you see, Sally, we've gotta visit our step-grandma, Baba Yaga—

SALLY SODA POP: Baba Yaga?

GRETCHEN: Not everyone has all their grandparents living together, narrating plays.

HANK: But trust me, I'd so much rather watch your Gymnastics Slash Dance Slash Talent Tournament. With your Flipz, you'll definitely win. Definitely.

GRETCHEN: I'm bored. Let's go. (Beat.) Hank!

HANK: I'll meet you home. (Gretchen exits, eyes rolling.)

Sorry if she's, well... Since our mom passed, she hasn't been all that nice. It's how she's dealing, I think.

SALLY SODA POP: What makes her happy?

HANK: Vegetables, but they're scarce these days with candy going rampant and all. (Beat.) Sally, don't tell anyone cause it's embarrassing, but I'm sort of nervous about all this.

SALLY SODA POP: Duh. If Baba Yaga's anything like her daughter, it's not gonna be a fun vacation.

HANK: Barbie threatened to ship us off to Funless Dip, USA.

SALLY SODA POP: I don't think that's a real place.

HANK: Well, that's good, I guess, but what if it is real, and also, we still don't know where we're going, and even though I

© Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 36 Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans get to miss school, I kind of don't want to miss school, and I'm just getting really anxious if you know what I—

SALLY SODA POP: (Chewing on jump rope:) Hank! Pull yourself together, man, it's OK. I'll come up with a plan. (Doing their best friend handshake:) Pinky swear with a cherry on top, bus stop to the candy shop.

HANK: Thanks, Sally. You're the best. And stop chewing your jump rope! Gretchen's right, it's not good for you!

SALLY SODA POP: Oops. It's hard to stop. It's super, super hard to stop!

SCENE 5: CONVICTION OF ADDICTION.

Conviction of Addiction (The Crowd is happily addicted to candy. They are not yet in economic crisis, and their denial of candy's potentially disastrous effects is reflected in their bright, clean clothes and their uncanny optimism. Only the Grandparents are aware of the encroaching danger.)

GRANDPA PEZ: And Little Sally Soda Pop wasn't lying.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: It has become nearly impossible to stop eating candy.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: And candy is our money.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: So you can only imagine the dilemma.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: The dilemma being:

GRANDPARENTS: We are compulsively consuming our income!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: And people in this town are not quite digesting the magnitude of that problem.

ALL: WE'RE ADDICTED AND WE CARE WHY? WE'RE AFFLICTED SO WATCH US CRY. (PIXY STIX pours Pixy Stix in her mouth.)

*GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: You shouldn't have that much sugar, Pixy Stix.

PIXY STIX: Just one more stick. Just one more. (Pixy Stix pours as much sugar in her mouth as possible.)

*GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Put it down, Pixy Stix.

PIXY STIX: How else am I supposed to wake up in the morning?

*GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: It's night-time.

PIXY STIX: Oh.

GRANDPA PEZ: (Back to audience:) The people are being told over and over to stop consuming candy, but it's just no use.

*GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Mike and Ike, stop hoarding the Good & Plentys!

MIKE: They're Mike...

IKE: And Ike's!

MIKE/IKE: And we want more!

MIKE: You have some, Grandpa Pez, don't you?

IKE: How much for a little dispension of 50...

MIKE/IKE: Mike & Ikes?

GRANDPA PEZ: 50 Mike & Ikes.

MIKE/IKE: What???

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: (To audience:) Sometimes this economy's confusing.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: (To audience:) Candy for candy.

SUGAR DADDY: (Suddenly popping in:) An eye for an eye.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Huh? Sugar Daddy, that's not what that means.

SUGAR DADDY: (With the intonation of "maybe it does, maybe it doesn't":) Maybe it does, maybe it does.

GRANDPA PEZ: (Seeing Mike and Ike eating a Kit Kat bar:) © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Hank & Gretchen 39

Fine. It'll cost you a Kit Kat bar.

MIKE: Gimme a break!

IKE: Gimme a break!

GRANDPA PEZ: Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. (Grandpa Pez and Mike & Ike do the trade.)

ALL: CANDY'S GOOD, IT'S THE RAW DEAL THAT'S WHY QUITTING'S NOT IDEAL WE WON'T STOP TILL WE RUN DRY WITHOUT SUGAR WE'LL HAPP'LY DIE

NUTRAGEOUS: Hoarding is good, Mike and Ike! I'm gathering as many nuts as I can.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: What're you, a squirrel?

NUTRAGEOUS: You are nuts, Grandpa Fruit Cassidy!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: And you are outrageous, NutRageous!

POP ROCKS: Outrageous she is! Wanna sizzle, snap, and pop with me?

NUTRAGEOUS: I only eat chocolate and nuts.

POP ROCKS: Sure is nuts!

NUTRAGEOUS: No, that's not what I—

POP ROCKS: It's a party in my mouth and who doesn't like to party ALL THE TIME? Henry does! Look at him eating cake on top of his grilled chicken!

HENRY: It's part of a complete supper!

*GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: You're in denial, Henry. It is no part of a complete anything!

JOLLY RANCHER: Well, it could be. © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 40 Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans

*GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: What're you eating there, Jolly R.?

JOLLY RANCHER: Fondue.

*GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Do you realize how unhealthy that is? Dipping all those foods in chocolate?

JOLLY RANCHER: I'm jolly. I'm happy. I'm in heaven. I'm— (Jolly Rancher runs off stage to throw up.)

MR. CANDY APPLE: (Eating a candy apple:) What's his problem?

*GRANDPA PEZ: How many of those do you eat a day?

MR. CANDY APPLE: You know what they say: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

*GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: That's only true for apples without candy coating.

MR. CANDY APPLE: Uh, who's the teacher here?

ALL: WE'RE CONFLICTED? ARE YOU CRAZY? CONTRADICTED? IT DON'T PHASE ME.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Literally NONE OF US can stop.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: I've been drinking 24 Shirley Temples a day! It's my drink of choice.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Choose water!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Bo-ring. I need my sugar rush! And I'm not as bad as Grandpa Fruit Cassidy. He's been eating his cherry ChapStick.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: It's fruity!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Have a real fruit instead.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: My lips are chapped.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Yes, you dummy bear, but not the inside of your mouth!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: I've been donating hundreds of cookies a day to starving kids, so control yourself, Fruit Cassidy!

GRANDPA PEZ: You haven't donated a single cookie. You eat them all!

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T/GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: All of them?

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Don't you judge me! Grandpa Pez does the dispension dance day and night, when there are no kids around, to dispense candy for HIMSELF.

GRANDPA PEZ: I want it all! I can't bear to share! And despite my dancing, I'm still gaining weight.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.

GRANDPA PEZ: Can't.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Stop.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Eating.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Candy.

GRANDPARENTS: It's terrible!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Even our granddaughter, Little Sally Soda Pop, is addicted.

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: We had to replace her jump rope 107 times!

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: She keeps gnawing on them until they're completely useless!

GRANDPA PEZ: It's insane!

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: And expensive.

ALL: CANDY'S GOOD, IT'S THE RAW DEAL THAT'S WHY QUITTING'S NOT IDEAL WE WON'T STOP TILL WE RUN DRY WITHOUT SUGAR WE'LL HAPP'LY DIE

SALLY SODA POP: (Bursting on stage:) Wanna know what stinks? Hank and Gretchen are going to have to miss my big tournament next week! (The Crowd temporarily steps aside and silently indulges in their addictive behavior as the following scene takes place.)

And the worst part is, I'm really worried about them. They have to visit this Baba Yaga person— (The Grandparents produce a short, sharp, dissonant scream at the mention of Baba Yaga's name.)

SUGAR DADDY: (Stepping into the scene uninvited:) Baba Yaga, you say?

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: Sugar Daddy, you're not in this part of the scene!

SUGAR DADDY: I'm not in a lot of things, mostly because I'm homeless. But that doesn't mean I should be left out of things right when others are let into things. I have a heart just like you.

GRANDPA PEZ: Of course, Sugar Daddy. We apolo—

SUGAR DADDY: Got any sugar?

GRANDPARENTS: No!

SUGAR DADDY: (Leaving the scene as weirdly as he arrived:) OK, OK. Just asking.

GRANDPA FRUIT CASSIDY: Strange Fruit Roll-Up he is.

GRANDPA PEZ: Anyway, I'm sure they'll be fine, Sally.

GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: It's just a visit, right?

SALLY SODA POP: Yeah. I'm just being neurotic, I guess. Baba Yaga— (The Grandparents let out another short, sharp, dissonant scream.)

Why are you screaming in unison every time I mention Ba— (The Grandparents let out yet another short, sharp, dissonant scream.)

GRANDPARENTS: (Overlapping:) Don't you worry, Sally. You're over-thinking it. Sally, you worry wort! Sally, Sally, Sally. They'll be OK. Fine. Dandy. Yeah. (Sally Soda Pop skips off nervously, eating her jump rope.)

GRANDMA SHIRLEY T: I have a funny feeling about this whole thing.

GRANDPAS/GRANDMA HOME-BAKED: Don't we all, don't we all. (The Crowd breaks their silence and emerges downstage with loud, happy, unsettling enthusiasm.)

ALL: WE'RE ADDICTED AND WE CARE WHY?

WE'RE AFFLICTED? SO WATCH US CRY.

CANDY'S GOOD, IT'S THE RAW DEAL THAT'S WHY QUITTING'S NOT IDEAL WE WON'T STOP TILL WE RUN DRY WITHOUT SUGAR WE'LL HAPP'LY DIE

WE'RE CONFLICTED? ARE YOU CRAZY? CONTRADICTED? IT DON'T PHASE ME.

CANDY'S GOOD, IT'S THE RAW DEAL THAT'S WHY QUITTING'S NOT IDEAL WE WON'T STOP TILL WE RUN DRY WITHOUT SUGAR WE'LL HAPP'LY DIE

ACT II SCENE 1: GYMNASTICS/DANCE/TALENT TOURNAMENT. (The Crowd is no longer dressed in bright colors and filled with false optimism. They are now physically distraught. Torn and dirty clothes, messy hair, sleep-deprived, obese, and unhappy, the town is in the midst of economic turmoil and other dangerous effects of candy addiction.)

JOLLY RANCHER: As your M.C. of the Whatchamacalit...

HENRY: Gymnastics Slash Dance Slash Talent Tournament!

JOLLY RANCHER: Thanks, Henry. As Jolly Rancher, M.C. of the tournament, I am proud to introduce our performers: Mike and Ike, NutRageous, Pop Rocks, and Sally Soda Pop. The winner will receive 100 Grand. (Crowd cheers.)

I mean the candy, 100 Grand. (Crowd cheers louder.)

Alright then, let's get it Razzled in here!

CROWD: Candy break!

JOLLY RANCHER: Already?

CROWD: Fast Break for candy! Fast Break for candy!

JOLLY RANCHER: We haven't even started!

CROWD: Fast Break for candy now! Fast Break for candy now! Fast Break for candy now!

JOLLY RANCHER: Alright, fine. Eat during the tournament. Just eat! (Crowd cheers like maniacs!)

(Suggestions: Mike and Ike, two brothers, perform a karate routine, kick apart a giant Kit Kat bar; NutRageous dances while consuming candy; Pop Rocks sings about candy, etc.)

POP ROCKS: CANDY DIVA I'M A CANDY DIVA CANDY UP MY SLEEVE-AH I'M A CANDY DIVA (The tournament concludes with Sally Soda Pop's gymnastics performance. She chews her jump rope ravenously.)

JOLLY RANCHER: Oh Henry!

HENRY: Yes, sir?

JOLLY RANCHER: Are you ready with the final scores?

HENRY: You betcha! (Henry whispers the winner into Jolly Rancher's ear.)

CROWD: We need S'more candy! We need S'more candy!

JOLLY RANCHER: And the winner is...

CROWD: Candy! Candy! Candy! Candy! (The Crowd wildly searches for candy on stage and then makes their way into the audience. They psychotically beg the audience for candy; their lives depend on it. MAYOR CARAMELLO runs in from the back of the house.)

MAYOR CARAMELLO: Listen up! Listen up!

CROWD: Mayor Caramello! Do you have candy for us? Candy! Candy! Candy!

MAYOR CARAMELLO: No! Please, be quiet! There is now scientific proof that the candy we've been consuming and trading as money is in fact CURSED WITH ADDICTION! We

© Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Hank & Gretchen 47 need to find out where the candy is coming from and put an end to this monopoly!

CROWD: Candy! Candy! We want S'more candy!

MAYOR CARAMELLO: People, the candy is not even backed by gold!

CROWD: Candy! Candy! We live for candy!

MAYOR CARAMELLO: Look around! We are eating ourselves rotten and poor!

CROWD: Candy! Candy! Give us your candy!

PIXY STIX: (Screaming with desperation, then fainting:) CANDY!

HENRY: Doctor Pepper! Is there a Doctor Pepper in the house? Pixy Stix down! (Everyone takes a knee. Henry takes out a Lolly Pop and waves it over Pixy Stix's face.)

Pixy Stix! Pixy Stix! (Pixy Stix regains consciousness, sits up, grabs the Lolly Pop, and starts licking.)

PIXY STIX: Doc P. costs 2.6 pounds of Jelly Beans. If you think I can afford that, you're Sweet n' Low'd out of your mind!

CROWD: (Overlapping; ad-libbing:) Yeah, absolutely out of your mind! I would never give up my sugar for a doctor. I don't even have any candy left to give! I'd rather just die. Me too! It's easier.

SUGAR DADDY: I have something to say! (Silence.)

MAYOR CARAMELLO: Well, what is it, Sugar— © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. 48 Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans

Help!

SUGAR DADDY: I'VE KNOWN ALL ALONG SOMETHING WAS WRONG

Did you?

ALL: (Overlapping; ad-libbing:) Well, sort of. Not really. Kinda.

SUGAR DADDY: ALL WE WANT IS MORE OF THE CANDY WE ADORE IT'S DEFINITELY NOT RIGHT TO BE EATING DAY AND NIGHT FROM THIS CANDY BOWL OH, WE'VE LOST ALL CONTROL

ALL: I guess we have!

SUGAR DADDY: The candy bowl is playin' a saccharin role. True. Or false?

ALL: True!

SUGAR DADDY: NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY GIVE IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE

*PIXY STIX: I'm falling to Reese's Pieces!

*MIKE/IKE: We're Krackel-ing under pressure.

*POP ROCKS: I'm going Bonkers!

SUGAR DADDY: THIS DARK CHOCOLATE UNDERBELLY WILL TURN OUR BRAINS TO JELLY SUGAR MAKES US CRACK OUR BEHAVIOR OUT OF WACK NO MORE MONEY LEFT TO SAVE WE'RE VICTIMS OF THIS CANDY RAVE

ALL: HOLY COW © Stacy Davidowitz and Mark T Evans This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Hank & Gretchen 49

WE NEED HELP NOW CANDY'S GRAND-Y, COMES IN HANDY, SHOULD BE BANNED-Y HOLY COW WE NEED HELP NOW!

MAYOR CARAMELLO: To all you Big Daddies, Junior Mints, Runts, and Nerds out there...we are all feeling and dealing with the effects of an economic crisis! We need to find out where this cursed candy is being made and put an end to it once and for all! It's Pay Day! (Crowd cheers.)

SCENE 2: GETTIN' READY TO GO.

SALLY SODA POP: Hank! Gretchen! You'll never believe what's going on! You were right! You were—

BARBIE YAGA: Can I help you?

SALLY SODA POP: Um...

BARBIE YAGA: That's what I thought. Skidaddle, Tootsie Pop!

SALLY SODA POP: It's Sally. Sally Soda Pop. (Hank and Gretchen drag their luggage toward Barbie Yaga. Papa follows. Sally Soda Pop spies on them.)

BARBIE YAGA: Well, this is good-bye.

HANK: For a week.

BARBIE YAGA: Right, of course, only for a week.

GRETCHEN/HANK: (Hugging Papa:) Love you, love you, love you with a cherry on top!

PAPA: I love you too, my veggie-poos!

BARBIE YAGA: Adorable. I wish I had a camera.

GRETCHEN: I have one.

BARBIE YAGA: No thanks...dear. Okie dokie, shall we head...? (Barbie Yaga locks eyes with Papa—stares deeply into them with a real affection and love we have not seen before underneath her Stepford Wife persona. Still in this truthful trance, she takes his hand. Then suddenly, Barbie Yaga breaks away and pops a handful of Tic Tacs in her mouth, repressing her genuine emotion.)

It's getting late. We should be off.

(Barbie Yaga air kisses Papa on both cheeks in that irritably fake way.)

PAPA: (Exiting, touched by his wife's affection:) Have fun with your grandma!

GRETCHEN: Step.

HANK: Where's the car?

BARBIE YAGA: Didn't I tell you, Ding Dongs? We will be walking. Through the woods. Good exercise. Quality time. With me.

HANK: How far is it?

BARBIE YAGA: Ever hear of a surprise? Try to act like kids and have fun.

GRETCHEN: This isn't fun.

BARBIE YAGA: Well, Gretchen, you never appear to be having fun unless you're eating vegetables, so I really don't know what to tell you. Let's go!

SCENE 3: MEET THE TREES, DUDE. (Gretchen, Hank, and Barbie Yaga travel through the woods to Baba Yaga's house. Sally Soda Pop is following them, spy-kid style.)

GRETCHEN: I'm tired.

HANK: I'm hungry.

GRETCHEN: My back hurts.

HANK: Are we there yet?

BARBIE YAGA: Do you have any idea how annoying you are?

TREES: Welcome, dudes! (Hank and Gretchen scream.)

ANCIENT RINGS: I know we're talkin' trees...

LEAFY GREEN: But this is a fairy tale.

STUMPY: Sort of.

LEAFY GREEN: Use your imagination, man!

BARBIE YAGA: Hank, Gretchen: don't indulge them. They're just lonely.

LEAFY GREEN: Oh come on, Barbie. That's no way to treat your friends.

ANCIENT RINGS: Your only friends.

STUMPY: Oh, snap!

LEAFY GREEN: Dude, you OK?

ANCIENT RINGS: He thinks your branch snapped.

STUMPY: It's an expression, Leafy Green. You see what I'm dealing with here, Barbie?

BARBIE YAGA: This is no time for jokes. We're on the way to my—

LEAFY GREEN: Hank and Gretchen, Hank and Gretch-Zen, Hank n' Gretch—

ANCIENT RINGS: Dude, focus! Lil Yaga's trying to say her piece. (Trees dramatically shift their focus to Barbie Yaga.)

BARBIE YAGA: We need to get to Baba Yaga.

TREES: (Hysterically laughing/weeping:) Baba Yaga!

ANCIENT RINGS: Why would you want to see her? She's mean, Barbie. I've been around the longest, got a jillion rings, and I can say I've never met anyone as mean as her.

STUMPY: She cut me down. Why else do you think I'm a stump? Could have gotten wood from anywhere else, but I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

LEAFY GREEN: Complete bummer.

BARBIE YAGA: Well, she's my mother so I don't appreciate you talking—

LEAFY GREEN: Remember when you engraved my trunk BY & LG BFFAEAEAE?

STUMPY: When Baba saw what you had writ, Barbs, she twigged him to the bone.

ANCIENT RINGS: De-barked his right to friendship.

BARBIE YAGA: OK, I'm sorry, but you "trees" are eating up my time! Open the gates with your chant thing or I will lumberjack you so hard...

STUMPY: Oh, come on, Barbie, why you gotta call us "trees" like we're generic or something.

ANCIENT RINGS: I've known you forever!

LEAFY GREEN: And when Ancient Rings says forever, he means forever. (Barbie Yaga pops a few Tic Tacs.)

ANCIENT RINGS: See? There she goes again, poppin the tic- tock crazy mean Tic Tacs.

LEAFY GREEN: Those sweets be nasty.

STUMPY: You were so nice before your mama cursed you with addiction. Aren't you tired of being mean?

BARBIE YAGA: (Exploding with anger:) What I am tired of is you! If you knew anything at all, you'd know that nothing will lift the curse until she's dead. Now, get me to Baba Yaga stat!

LEAFY GREEN: The curse is lifted once she's dead?

BARBIE YAGA: What? No. I don't know!

STUMPY: Cause if you can reverse the curse...

BARBIE YAGA: I can't reverse the curse, Stumpy. What do you want me to do? Kill her??

ANCIENT RINGS: Well, it's worth a try. (Barbie Yaga screams.)

TREES: Whoa, whoa, whoa there!

STUMPY: We didn't mean to upset you, Barbs.

ANCIENT RINGS: We just know you were born to be sweet, not sour.

LEAFY GREEN: You can turn your life around.

TREES: Win back the power!

BARBIE YAGA: It's too late. I'd like to be good. I'd like to love. But I can't. Hank, Gretchen: let's go!

LEAFY GREEN: Stay pure, kids!

ANCIENT RINGS: Don't get sucked in by the scenery!

STUMPY: Avoid the oven!

LEAFY GREEN: Don't be tempted by the candied outside cause the inside is—

BARBIE YAGA: Oh my sweet tooth, seal your sappy lips and MAKE WAY!

Open the Gates, Dude

ANCIENT RINGS: BOOMERANG, OOMPA SNICKERS, SMARTIES, SPREE...

STUMPY: OPEN YOUR GATES TO THE FACTORY.

LEAFY GREEN: MILK DUDS, COTTON CANDY, SWEDISH FISH...

ANCIENT RINGS: BABA YAGA SERVES UP THE DEADLIEST DISH.

TREES: OPEN THE GATES, DUDE (3X) (The Trees make way and open up to Baba Yaga's house—a colorful candy factory held up by chicken legs. A stunning, magical Hell Mouth illuminated by fantastical lights, sound, and scenery.)

HANK/GRETCHEN: Whoa!!!

STUMPY: Go right down 5th Avenue.

ANCIENT RINGS: Then follow the Rocky Road.

LEAFY GREEN: And chillax!

STUMPY: No, don't chillax. Keep your gluten glutton guard up!

ANCIENT RINGS: Be Wise! (Hank, Gretchen, and Barbie Yaga exit into Baba Yaga's magical candy-factory home.)

SALLY SODA POP: (Emerging from hiding:) Sally Soda Pop. (Trees scream.)

Pleasure to meet you too.

LEAFY GREEN: Holy osmosis, where did you come from?

SALLY SODA POP: Let's just run through a few things here. Baba Yaga's evil?

STUMPY: Yes, ma'am.

SALLY SODA POP: Runs a candy factory?

LEAFY GREEN: Right on.

SALLY SODA POP: Using addictive chemicals?

ANCIENT RINGS: Probably?

SALLY SODA POP: A.K.A. cursing the candy?

TREES: (Overlapping:) Whoa, whoa, whoa there. We didn't exactly say that. I mean that makes sense. You know, that's very likely. She's super into curses.

SALLY SODA POP: I am tasting the rainbow right now, you have no idea.

LEAFY GREEN: What does it taste like, dudette?

SALLY SODA POP: Also an expression.

LEAFY GREEN: Oh.

SALLY SODA POP: I'll be back, boys! With a lot of angry people! Get ready to have your leaves shaken!

TREES: Kudos to you, Sally Soda Pop!

SCENE 4: BABA YAGA'S HOOD.

HANK: Wow! What's this? (Hank and Gretchen gravitate toward the "vegetable" shaped candy—carrots, broccoli, cauliflower—lining a corner of the house. BABA YAGA puts on a sweet act. Barbie Yaga maintains a mild Stepford Wife persona even with her mother; she can't help it at this point in her cursed life.)

GRETCHEN: It smells delicious.

HANK: I just want a little taste. Just a little taste. A little taste a just...

GRETCHEN: I like it. I want it. I eat it...

BABA YAGA: Please, help yourself. You're my guests. You're my family. Consume! Consume!

GRETCHEN: (Snapping out of it:) Wait a second. Hank. Hank? Hank! (Gretchen slaps candy carrot out of Hank's hand.)

HANK: Ow.

GRETCHEN: (To Hank:) We don't eat candy. Remember? (To Baba Yaga:) I'm sorry, but we don't eat candy.

BABA YAGA: Well, this candy is loaded with Vitamin K. "K" for candy.

GRETCHEN: "C." "C" for candy.

BABA YAGA: That's right! Someone's been studying in her Science class!

GRETCHEN: English.

BABA YAGA: And, just between you and me, Goodie Gum Drops, your Papa isn't here. You can eat whatever you like...

HANK: Gretchen doesn't even like candy.

GRETCHEN: Even if it is shaped like vegetables.

BABA YAGA: (Speaking calmly, hypnotically—glamouring them:) Welcome, my dearies, to this fairy tale home Where Lemon Heads are friendly-

BARBIE YAGA: Lemons aren't vegetables, mother.

BABA YAGA: Barbie, silly, silly girl...shh... Ahem. Let's start fresh. (Attempting the glamouring once again:) Welcome, welcome, welcome, my dearies, to this fairy tale home Where Hot Tamales are friendly-

BARBIE YAGA: Tamales aren't—

BABA YAGA: (Snapping:) Let me guess...tamales aren't vegetables either.

BARBIE YAGA: I was going to say they're not friendly, but also, yes, tomatoes are fruits.

BABA YAGA: (Mocking Barbie Yaga:) "But also, yes, tomatoes are fruits." Really, Barbie? (To Hank & Gretchen, sweetly:) Your step-mother is just hysterical, isn't she? Now back to my—

BARBIE YAGA: Oh, please! These brats don't need to be glamoured.

HANK: What's glamoured?

BARBIE YAGA: I glamourlessly dragged them all the way here for you, so whatever you're planning on doing, get it over with.

HANK/GRETCHEN: What are you planning on doing?

BABA YAGA: Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, my darling daughter, can you step into my office please?

(Baba Yaga pulls Barbie Yaga into her office, an open part of the house, perhaps only a few steps away, labeled "OFFICE" with Candy Corn lettering.)

You're behaving as though you've never done this before.

BARBIE YAGA: I haven't.

BABA YAGA: You're supposed to trick the kids into believing they're in this fairy tale of chocolate and candy, and then you slam the door shut, BAM: incarceration.

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