12A

Ref: Item: Comment: Reason for non-delivery: We calledat: Tuesday 30.05.17 SORRY WEMISSEDYOU : r n r non-deliv o n d e l i v very: v e r y : Depot:D Depot: e Making Deliverance ‘Squeal like apig!’ Cute clothes Ask Hadley Lisa Markwell Restaurant rules Who saidit? Trump vUnderwood p p o →→ t

Shortcuts Never order the specials: one of Gordon Ramsay’s tips for a good meal

Restaurants Check the loos The golden rules of eating out and snack before you go Call, don’t click Places that show “no tables available” online may have ordon Ramsay has a new something if you take the Complain, complain, complain TV show to promote, so G trouble to telephone. They Nobody wants to leave dinner he’s effi ng and blinding will know about cancellations with a sour taste in their mouth and pronouncing like his career straight away, and if you … If the food is lousy or the depends on it. Yesterday, we engage with the person at the table judders in time with the learn ed his rules for eating out: restaurant, you might get a dishwasher, tell them. A restau- never order the specials, haggle note on the booking that means rateur would rather fi over wine and be wary of the you’ll get a nicer table. and there (with a free xdessert, it then waiter’s boasts, such as “our or some wine, or money off famous lasagne”. He also asks for Look at the loos than have someone smile, pay a table for three when there are ) Like Bourdain, I wouldn’t the bill and then go home and only two dining – or does he mean eat somewhere that doesn’t Have lunch, not dinner savage them on TripAdvisor. two people and one big ego? maintain basic levels of hygiene This rule applies to the swanky It’s not new, of course. Gonzo (and the range of establish- places that off US chef Anthony Bourdain was er an often ments that don’t is amazing). brilliant-value fi doing this stuff nearly 20 years menu. It is a wonderful xed-price way to ago in the ace book Kitchen Eat before you go out experience a starry chef’s food Confi dential (his rules were: Sounds daft, but a snack an – and you won’t feel compelled never order fi sh on a Monday, or hour before setting off to order a pricey bottle at lunch. your steak well done, or brunch, you won’t fall on the bread means like Well, not always. or vegetarian food). a starving woman and then The hospitality business push your main course round Ask the expert is run on very tight margins, the plate, feeling bloated. While we’re on the subject so of course restaurateurs are of wine, unless he’s a cad, going to be “creative” with the sommelier relishes the their produce and pricing, but challenge of fi also, on the whole, they want nding something interesting to pair with your happy customers . I’ve been food that is less than, say, £40. on both sides of this game – as (On this, grudgingly, I agree a restaurant critic and as a with Ramsay, but I’d stop short chef-in-training – but mostly I’m of haggling.) just a greedy person who likes eating out. These are the rules that work for me. Lisa Markwell

Parenting fi tting, the smashed bathroom which is way off the break-even to re wallpaper a child’s bedroom sink – the prison riot stuff . If you point. I’m not suggesting child- until you’re in a position to turn it Capping the cost add in all the broken glass, indoor rearing is an enterprise that ought into a home offi ce. football damage and machine- to wash its face, but we need One becomes adept at opening of household washed phones, I’m sure the total to be realistic about the losses drawers that no longer have damage by kids would reach four fi gures. incurred. According to the fi rst handles, positioning cushions Coincidentally, another survey survey, most of this child-centred over stains, placing towels where reveals that parents plunder an damage is to walls, woodwork, curtains once hung. My children average of £46.20 from their carpets, pictures, beds and sofas. quickly learned to cope with a f you’re a parent, the fi gure children’s piggy banks and money This might explain why the fi gure bathroom sink with a big hole in I will probably sound a little boxes every year, in search of is relatively low; most of the it; it stayed that way for a year, light to you: according to parking change, school lunch required repairs are of the kind until the crack spread and the a survey, the average child infl icts money and domestic petty cash. you just stop doing when you whole thing fell off the wall. £3,466 worth of damage on the I’m not saying I’ve never done have kids. By the sameme Somewhere in this obligatory average home in the course of this – I’ve cracked a few toy safes logic that makess parsimony there may even be an upbringing. in my time – but I’m not sure I professional ice a lesson: if you break it, it stays A s the father of three boys, could ever raise that hockey players broken. You will have to live with I only really remember much in the short reluctant to the consequences of your childish

the expensive space of a year. Even spend money heedlessness. Unless you break NETFLIX VIA GETTY; BLOOMBERG highlights – two if I could, this level on dental work the TV. If you break the TV, your destroyed tellies, of larceny amounts until they’ve father will have a new one in its a kitchen light to about £830 a child retired, it doesn’t place within 24 hours. ripped from its over 18 years, really make sense Tim Dowling PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS 2 The Guardian 30.05.17 Fact or fiction? Leaders of the free world Donald Trump and Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey)

Pass notes No 3,862 Casper the Friendly Ghost

POPPYCOCK

Rhetoric 5 “A lot of people don’t like to A g e : 78. Casper was created in 1939 by American win. They actually don’t know illustrators Seymour Reit and Joe Oriolo. Who said it: how to win, and they don’t like Appearance: Translucent Iain Duncan Smith. to win because down deep inside Occupation: Trainee ghost. Trump or Frank they don’t want to win.” In the news because: He is predicted to return Underwood? to the cabinet if the Tories win the election. 6 “This country demands bold, Casper? Sorry, I thought you meant IDS. persistent experimentation. Angela Rippon, Why is Casper in the news? Because US It is common sense to take best known for comedian Daniel Kibblesmith has raised a he leader of the free world a method and try it. And if it presenting the Nine signifi cant question . T is a brazen narcissist, fails, admit it frankly and try O’Clock News, has Which is? “Can someone please explain to me backed by a team of another. But above all, try tested positive the physics of Casper?” underlings who would walk over something.” for opiates after Is that signifi cant? Well, it tickled the fancy of your face if it got their boss four eating poppyseed the US and UK twitterati on a holiday weekend bread. The 72-year- more years in the Oval Offi ce. 7 “The road to power is paved old received the when they didn’t want to be thinking about Was I just referring to Donald with hypocrisy, and casualties.” surprising result Trump, or the general election, or the end of Trump or Frank Underwood? on last night’s Rip western civilisation as we know it. It’s hard to tell, isn’t it? True, 8 “One of the key problems Off Britain: Food What was his point? He wanted to know Underwood is a fi ctional today is that politics is such a – demonstrating why solid objects sometimes passed through character in the TV drama House disgrace, good people don’t go how unsuspecting Casper’s body and at other times were of Cards, while Trump is in charge into government.” employees could absorbed. Casper comics depict the friendly face disciplinary of the world’s most terrifying ghost knocking on a door while being “fi lled action following military arsenal . But they have 9 “Sometimes by losing a routine drugs tests up” with falling snow. He also plucks apples so much in common – a free and battle, you fi nd a new way to after a night on the from a tree, but places them in them in his legs easy attitude towards the truth, win the war.” poppyseed bagels. for storage. an approach to ascending the And did the twitterati supply an answer? greasy pole that defi es the laws 10 “You know what, I have Many answers. “He has an ectoplasmic of gravity and a grasp of Niccolò been very successful. Everybody membrane of variable solidity,” posited Machiavelli’s philosophy. loves me.” @kthorjensen . “He exists both as a particle To celebrate House of Cards’ and as a wave,” proff ered @stunt_penguin. fi fth season, which starts tomor- 11 “For those of us climbing to “A constant seems to be that his bottom is more row, here is a test to see if you can the top of the food chain, there solid than his head,” observed @querulus, tell the Donald from our Frank. can be no mercy. There is but one forensically. Though, as @TheWallStBull noted Stuart Jeff ries rule: hunt or be hunted.” in response, “You’re describing just about everyone I know.” 1 “Democracy is so overrated.” 12 “Friends make the worst Maybe the laws of physics just don’t apply to enemies.” cartoons . You are not really buying into this , 2 “The point is, you can never be are you? too greedy.” 13 “My job is not to represent the How did little Casper die? You have hit on world. My job is to represent the another important question in Casperology – 3 “As long as you’re going to be United States of America.” is he really dead? The many books and fi lms thinking anyway, think big.” about him diff er on this point. Casper, the 14 “There’s no better way to very successful 1995 live-action feature fi lm, 4 “I’ve always said that power overpower a trickle of doubt than presented him as a 12-year-old boy called is more important than money, with a fl ood of naked truth.” Casper McFadden who died of pneumonia, but when it comes to elections, but the more wholesome 1960s comic books money gives power, well, a run 15 “I thought being president suggested he was born a ghost to happily for its money.” would be easier than my old life.” married ghost parents.

Do say: “What’s a nice ghoul like you doing

Trump 15 Underwood 14 Trump 13 Underwood 12 Underwood 11 Trump 10 Trump 9 Trump

8 in a place like this?”

Underwood Underwood 7 Underwood 6 Trump 5 Underwood 4 Trump 3 Trump 2 Underwood 1

Answers Don’t say: “Boo!”

30.05.17 The Guardian 3

Paul Mason Donald Trump has hung Europe and Nato out to dry. We need a new defence strategy as soon as possible

he Polish army fi elds three divisions, While dominant world power, the “perfi dious Albion” as does Germany’s Bundeswehr. tactic made sense: playing one European power T France has two, Romania two, the UK Theresa against another and revelling in their weakness. two and the Baltic states could just May smiled During the post-1945 era of US dominance, perfi d- about scrape together one. As of last ious Albion became a no-cost diplomatic refl ex, week, those are the only forces Vladimir Putin has at her used mainly by British diplomats to get their way to consider as he threatens, bullies and cajoles the shoes, it fell in Brussels. This urge to stand aloof from Europe western diplomatic order into disintegration. and divide it where possible is hardwired into the Because from the mouth of Donald Trump to Angela UK’s diplomatic and geostrategic institutions. came only cowardice. Whatever form Brexit takes economically, we Trump declined to reiterate any commitment Merkel to need to unwire it fast. Because Trump’s speeches to Nato’s article 5 , which mandates mutual spell out have reshaped the world. defence in the face of attack. He lashed Europe’s As he shoved minor European politicians leaders about defence spending and then bragged what in the chest, and tried to crush Emmanuel to US troops in Sicily that, as a result of his own Trump Macron’s hand, Trump’s security services were election, “money is beginning to pour in”. playing equally macho games with photographs While Theresa May could only smile at her meant of bloodstained clothing from the Manchester shoes, it fell to a shocked Angela Merkel to spell bombing . The political signal behind that leak out what Trump meant . “The times in which we was clear: for the Trumpian state, it is the security could completely depend on others are, to a certain interest of the US that come fi rst, the priorities of extent, over. I’ve experienced that in the last few a live anti-terror manhunt in Manchester second. days,” she told a party rally. “We Europeans truly The xenophobic right in Britain, whose biggest have to take our fate into our own hands.” jeers are reserved for the concept of a European Behind the scenes, Trump’s diplomats signalled army, had better hope one can be formed. Because it is not just on defence that the multilateral order after Trump’s speech, that’s what we’re going to is under threat. Trump may, as early as this week, need to deter the threat of a Ukraine or Crimea pull the US out of the Paris climate treaty. Even if situation being created at the EU’s borders. he does not, his commitment to it will be seen as For British politics, this demand for clear weak. And his aides refused to include a commit- thinking comes at the worst possible time. The ment to free trade in the G7 communique. Conservative cabinet is full of deluded amateurs. The true meaning of “America fi rst” is clear. Angela Merkel’s People who fantasise about Empire 2.0 ; people The Trump presidency will put the interests of speech should prepared to reimpose a land border on Ireland ; trigger a big American coal, oil and fracking companies fi rst, prepared to turn the election into a nostalgic change in Europe before that of the planet’s ecosystem. It will place rerun of the confl ict with the IRA. the interests of US-owned car manufacturers fi rst, Jeremy Corbyn, although he has left behind above those of Volkswagen and Mercedes. And if pacifi sm and unilateralism, needs to facilitate it comes to a military face-off with Putin’s Russia, the emergence of a new, positive Labour defence America will fi ght last. and security policy. It should be focused on the This rip in the global order may last only four real threats – a disintegrating world order and the years. Or it may snowball. growing unpredictability of thousands of jihadis Either way, it is now rational for both the EU in the UK – not just a set of old leftwing nostrums. powers and the British government to design The lessons from history are clear. When the a new strategy, for a world where, every so often, US shies away from Europe, as it did between the US electoral cycle produces a corrupt, deluded 1939 and 1941, the UK has to function primarily isolationist who can think only in monosyllables.. as a European power, even to pursue its own Merkel’s analysis, if followed to its logical narrow security. As the details emerge of how conclusion, must trigger a big change in the the Manchester bomber, Salman Abedi, got economic, trade strategy and security policies himself and his bomb to the city, the need for of the EU. Her speech should lead Europe to more European cooperation on security will consolidate around its core countries and its become clear. core values. If that means yellow-carding In a world as dangerous as this, led by men Hungary and Poland, whose infractions of as dangerous as Trump and Putin, we should democratic rights are now too large to be need no prompting to exceed the 2% of GDP ignored, that’s fi ne. Likewise, if the result defence spending target, and to reverse all is a core/periphery arrangement, with cuts to police, fi re and emergency services.

JULIEN MATTIA/REX the core becoming a fi scal and monetary The fact is that Trump has signalled that union, the sooner the better. the current “strategic concept” of Nato , Britain, set on a catastrophic exit from written in 2010, is a dead letter. The major the EU’s single market, also faced a wakeup European democracies need to craft a new

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH call at last week’s G7. When the UK was the one. And Britain has to be part of that.

30.05.17 The Guardian 5 Britain spends more online than any other country – but the people who have to lug this shopping to our doors struggle on low pay and have little job security. Is it time consumers faced up to the true cost of ‘free’ delivery? Robert Booth reports ‘Customers don’t care as long as it’s cheap’

ane Holder’s doorstep is year, according to the online-retailers delivery company after Parcelforce, familiar territory for Totnes’s industry body, IMRG . which is among those serving Jane J parcel couriers. Dozens of “It’s so much easier than parking, Holder and her neighbours in Totnes. packets come and go as she trudging round the shops and not John has calculated that he often trades an extraordinary array fi nding what you want,” Holder says. takes home as little as £5.75 an hour, of kitsch vintage items over the inter- “You try something on with what and rarely earns above the national net from her Devon home. you’ve already got, and send it back minimum wage of £7.50. He is now Holder’s website off ers a £2.50 again [if it’s not right]. Most of the time delivering 80 parcels a day on plastic sailing ship described as you don’t pay for delivery. Even with average – up from about 55 last year – “wonderfully ornamental but com- Uniqlo I pay £4, but that’s half the price and has to lash sacks of parcels to the pletely pointless vintage Chinese of parking.” roof of his hatchback because all the junk”. For £1, there’s a pair of brightly The apparent frictionlessness passenger seats are packed full. coloured plastic hand-grenade horns of online shopping is, however, an With its chassis slumped low on that “make a horrible noise”. As use- illusion. Across Britain, this hugely the suspension, the car looks like an less ephemera goes, it is hard to beat. competitive industry is pushing tens overburdened donkey; apart from She also buys bagfuls of clothes for of thousands of couriers to work the windscreen and on the driver’s herself, routinely ordering 10 items uncertain hours for low pay, often side, John’s view from every window at a time to her door – only to send under considerable pressure and with is blocked. This doesn’t look safe – eight back again. Online shopping has little or no employment protections, but Hermes says it provides regular become “recreational, a hobby”, she to get all these packets to our doors as information to drivers about vehicle says – and she’s not alone. quickly and cheaply as possible. loading and ensuring windows are not Britain spends more online per “Some consumers are aware we are obscured, adding that if the volume head than any other country in the earning so little, but there are plenty of parcels doesn’t safely fi t, it will pay world, according to a study by the UK who really don’t care as long as it’s couriers extra to do two runs. Cards Association . On average, we cheap,” says John, a self-employed cou- John thinks many online shoppers each spend £4,600 a year online, more rier for Hermes , the UK’s second-largest have no comprehension that couri-

than £1,000 more than Americans do. ers are mostly only paid according to

By 2025, we will be placing orders for Amazon’s warehouse near Peterborough collection or delivery, not by the hour. 2.7 billion parcels a year, more than (right) … by 2025, Britons will be placing He cites one regular irritation: ← double the 1.3bn being delivered this online orders for 2.7bn parcels a year customers returning Amazon

6 The Guardian 30.05.17 PHOTOGRAPH GRAEME ROBERTSON FOR THE GUARDIAN 30.05.17 The Guardian 7 packages who order a courier to ← collect them, but fail to wrap the parcel or label it properly. “[In that case] we don’t get paid because we can’t collect it,” he says. “The next day we go back and they are not there – so we don’t get paid again. Then fi nally we catch up with them, and they tell us they’ve taken it down the post offi ce. That’s three trips to the doorstep and we don’t get paid for any of it. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of faith in the British public.”

or the past year, I have been investigating Britain’s fast- F growing delivery industry, unearthing shocking stories of dismally low pay ( less than £2 an hour, in one case ) and severe job insecurity. Countless psychologists have Former Hermes she describes it as “kind of shocking” – Some couriers told me they have documented the phenomenon of courier Peter but is stumped about what she can do. felt threatened with losing rounds online shopping addiction: some shop- Jamieson with “Retailers have a responsibility if they are ever unavailable to work, pers describe the arrival of a package his son (above) … about where they are getting their even when their children have fallen as like winning a prize – they talk about the company clothes made, and is there child labour seriously ill or a loved one has died. the “thrill”, even the “high”. Never withdrew his involved,” she says. “It should equally Most recently, there has been outrage mind that the courier desperately look- work while his be on their minds whether these at charges levied by some companies ing for a safe place to stash your new wife was dying courier companies are working respon- on self-employed couriers who fall sick summer shoes while you lie in the bath from cancer sibly, and if they are not we shouldn’t and cannot fi nd cover for their rounds. not answering the door likely receives use the courier.” To date, concern has largely been no sick pay or holiday pay, and could So far, when the Guardian has asked focused on the behaviour of courier lose their work at a moment’s notice. John Lewis, Next and other retailers to companies. But what about the respon- One of John’s regular drops is for comment on the treatment of couriers sibility of consumers, whose insatiable Laura Hutchinson, a website designer Couriers’ who deliver their goods, they have demands for free or cheap delivery who receives as many as fi ve pack- self- always declined. arguably drive retailers to demand low ages a week – mostly clothes and some Hermes uses self-employed couri- prices from these courier companies, household furnishings. She is the kind employed ers, so the company is not obliged to which, in turn, squeeze the couriers? of consumer who chooses her super- status pay the minimum wage, which only In Totnes, Holder says she has market based on issues such as the way applies to employed workers. But it “heard all the stuff about the condi- they treat their staff and their attitude provides has claimed the average earnings of tions for couriers” and believes they to fair trade. But while she always little of the its couriers, after expenses, is £9.90 an should be better paid. “But it’s like looks for off ers of free delivery, she hour. DPD uses a mix of employed and short-haul fl ights: everybody said admits to having given little thought to freedom it self-employed couriers. we shouldn’t do it, it’s destroying the the couriers who drop off her parcels.p Spend a day with a courier and planet, but then everybody else is When she hears about implieimpliess you will be struck not just by how doing it – so we do it. practices such as DPD charg- hard the couriers work, but how “How do you change that attitude?” ing self-employed couriers strange the items we want delivered she asks. “The problem is, it’s not £150 if they fall sick and can- are. Couriers lug huge, metre-square directly causal. Whatever the consumer not fi nd cover , and some cou- boxes containing ornamental garden does is not going to aff ect the life of the riers from Hermes earning fountains, car parts, bulky mattress- person delivering the parcels.” below the minimum wage , toppers and duvets.

8 The Guardian 30.05.17 The £133bn of stuff that arrives annually at British doors, swaddled in enough brown cardboard to denude a Finnish forest, is gushing forth not just from Amazon and Asos but also centuries-old retailers such as Fortnum & Mason and Harrods. Among the fastest-growing sectors for delivery are lingerie, gifts and shoes. This growing torrent of parcels is heartening news for the delivery giants. Hermes, ultimately owned by 73-year- old German billionaire Michael Otto and family, turned a profi t of £27m in the UK last year using almost entirely self-employed couriers. Another giant, DPD – owned by GeoPost, a subsidiary of France’s postal service – made more than £100m using what it describes as “driver franchisees”: essentially, self- employed drivers. Armandeep Kaur 11th shift in a row with no day off ).” stories behind a trend identifi ed this But across the industry as a whole, (above), who He concludes: “Customers expect month by the House of Commons the experiences of those on the front- said she was perfection but don’t want to pay for work and pensions select committee, line of delivery are not always so posi- pressured to get it, and the race to be the best online chaired by Frank Field. “Increasingly, tive. While some describe the work as back to work retailer to achieve this is the only goal some companies are using self-em- satisfying, enjoying a sense of inde- by her Hermes [my supermarket] see.” ployed workforces as cheap labour, pendence as they fi t their work around manager after the There has been a kind of grim excusing themselves from responsibili- other commitments and serve their death of her six- infl ation in the stories of woe emerging ties towards their workers and from local community, others describe feel- year-old son from the courier frontline over the substantial national insurance liabili- ing broken by the demands of the job: past year. ties, pension auto-enrolment respon- impoverished by low pay and a self- Peter Jamieson, a Hermes courier sibilities and the apprenticeship levy,” employed status that seems to provide from Edinburgh, spoke out last it said in its fi nal report, squeezed out little of the freedom it implies, plus September after the company abruptly before parliament broke up for the none of the benefi ts and protections of withdrew his work as his wife lay dying general election. traditional employment. from cancer; partly, it seemed, because The report concluded: “The ease One parcel courier in London he was struggling with his rounds with which companies are able to highlights the pressure of the targets while supporting her chemotherapy. classify their workforces as self- imposed on him. “We do have to Then in January, Leicester-based employed both fails to protect work- meet targets – which is to bring as courier Armandeep Kaur said she was ers from exploitation, and potentially few packages back to the depot as hounded to get back to work by her increases strain on the welfare state.” possible,” he says. “If you bring back 10 manager at Hermes, after her six-year- One of the couriers who provided parcels, say, they’ll start complaining old son had a heart attack and died. Field’s committee with evidence straight away.” Hermes subsequently acknowl- was Mac Ramsden, who worked for Our bottomless demand for online edged that in Jamieson’s case, “Our Hermes. He told how he worked seven delivery is placing greater pressure behaviour fell short of the ethical hours a day, six days a week for about on retail workers, too. “The extent to standards we have set ourselves.” In £40 a day – the equivalent of £5.80 an which online customers are treated the case of Kaur, it said: “The fi eld hour (the UK’s national minimum wage with importance above everything else team did everything they could to sup- is £7.50 an hour). is extreme,” reports one manager at a port her … by helping to provide alter- However, Ramsden’s take-home major supermarket. “Online shoppers native cover during this diffi cult time.” earnings were lower still, because he [staff that complete consumers’ online InIn MMarch,arch, UK MMail courier Emil Ibra- also had to pay for his own petrol, car

orders] are expected to work from hhimov,imov, ffromrom easteast London, was charged insurance and mobile-phone expenses. 4am and pick at pace, with demand- nnearlyearly £800 whenwhen he was unable to “And I worked for free a lot of the ← ing productivity targets. I have seen work as a resultre of being hit by a time,” he said, explaining that he online managers and team leaders get ccarar while oon duty. “It is inhuman signed off sick with anxiety, depres- becausebecau this happened sion and stress … because the role is so whilewhile I was doing their demanding. job,” he told me. “The car He continues: “The expectation accidentaccid didn’t stress me to get ‘perfect orders’ is a daily focus outout as much as what UK above every other task in store. Queue- MailMail did afterwards.” ing behind six people at a checkout on UKU Mail’s response Monday morning? Sorry, every check- was: “UK Mail hasn’t prof- out colleague in the store is picking itedit out of this. They

JEREMY SUTTON-HIBBERT/DAVID SILLITOE FOR THE GUARDIAN FOR THE GUARDIAN SILLITOE JEREMY SUTTON-HIBBERT/DAVID online orders, that’s more important. area simply covering Want some breakfast in the cafe? Sorry, thet cost they have can’t do hot food because the cook incurredi fi nding cover is out driving an online van, covering forf rounds.”

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS a driver who went sick (after their These are the human

30.05.17 The Guardian 9 would spend up to two hours a carrier and the consumer all have ← day at the sub-depot, helping sort to stay in balance to make this thing through the piles of parcels, before work, and they all have diff erent starting his round. expectations.” On the question of whether he According to Smith, “This model should have been classed as self- hasn’t settled down yet. I am con- employed, Ramsden said: “I had no vinced that many consumers would be control over anything that I ever did.” very happy to have more transparency It is evidence that stands in stark on the cost of delivery. People are not contrast to that of the Hermes UK chief silly; they understand there are costs executive Carole Woodhead, who told and they understand that if you pay parliament: “Hermes couriers’ average a bit more, you possibly get a better gross earnings stand at £11.40 per hour, service.” and are calculated (using an extremely By contrast with Hermes and UK conservative set of assumptions about Mail, APC mostly uses employed deductions for fuel, vehicle insurance, couriers rather than piece workers . “If depreciation and other expenses) to be you employ someone, they stay longer, £9.90 per hour after expenses.” develop greater knowledge and you get In a written submission, Hermes greater quality,” Smith says, explaining told the committee: “We are certain that some APC depots do use a small that all of our couriers earn in excess number of self-employed couriers, and of the national living wage … Hermes that the fi rm uses extra self-employed is proud to provide regular, stable couriers at peak times. and fl exible opportunities the length There are signs that growing and breadth of the country, includ- consumer awareness of the real cost ing in some of the UK’s most deprived Earlier this month, Matthew Taylor, ‘If you of delivery could help deliver better communities.” the former Downing Street policy chief working conditions for people such as Both Hermes and DPD declined to appointed by Theresa May to review employ Emil, Armandeep and John. comment for this article. modern working practices, warned: someone, Back in Totnes, shortly after I spoke The problems that couriers face are “Persistent scandals of bad working to Jane Holder about her use of couri- not universal, but they are widespread conditions, poor legal safeguards and they stay ers, she email ed to say she has looked enough for consumers and policy- job insecurity suggest that bad work is longer and up the fi rm she uses and found that makers to be asking what can be done. all too common. We need, therefore, to it is owned by UK Mail, the fi rm that Some couriers, too, are fi ghting back, talk about quality of work, and not just you get charged Emil Ibrahimov nearly £800 staging public protests and preparing quantity.” when he was unable to work as a result legal challenges in employment tribu- Some leaders in the courier industry greater of a car accident while on duty. nals over whether their self-employed are alive to the problems, too. Jonathan quality’ “I will now stop using them,” she status – which denies them the right to Smith, chief executive of APC Over- wrote. “Reckon I might stop recrea- the minimum wage and holiday pay – night, which has 3,500 couriers deliv- tional online clothes shopping too …” is, in fact, bogus. ering 21 million parcels a year, believes Others have given evidence to MPs there needs to be greater transparency Some names have been changed at the

who, in recent months, have launched about the true cost of delivery. interviewees’ request. BERG/GETTY ALISTAIR multiple inquiries into the industry, “While consumers get ‘free deliv- If you are a delivery courier, retail which is part of Britain’s ever-widening ery’, there is no such thing as delivery worker or online consumer and would “gig economy” of fl exible and insecure at no cost – and I think people confuse like to discuss your experiences, email

self-employment. the two,” he says. “The retailer, the [email protected] PHOTOGRAPHS

10 The Guardian 30.05.17 First past the post David Squires on the election

David Squires’ election column will appear in G2 every Tuesday

30.05.17 The Guardian 11 Women Queer India Gay sex is illegal in India, but a radical LGBTQI zine is transforming the queer scene. Charukesi Ramadurai meets the women behind it. Below, writer and publisher Urvashi Butalia explains why trans women are essential to the country’s feminism

he latest issue of the Gaysi among other things. Her interactions zine sports a simple but on queer female sites from other T striking cover in dark countries fi nally led to the creation colours: a scattered collage of Gaysi, which runs opinion, news, of human forms, with the interviews, book and theatre reviews words “All That We Want” across it. and – the most popular – personal Thumb through the magazine and you essays, often from those whose lives will fi nd pieces of fi ction, photo-essays, have been touched by the website. It is personal narratives, illustrations no surprise, then, that as well as queer and how-to guides on the theme of sexuality, some of the most popular sexual desire, from A Quick Guide to tags on this blog are “coming out”, Scissoring to evocative verse on Love “gay rights ” and “homophobia”. The in the Age of Surveillance. essays include personal expressions It is the sort of content that would of diffi cult situations from those who not seem out of place in a gay zine feel confi dent about speaking out in published in Europe or the US, but in this space – such as an article by India it is positively subversive – and a transgender woman and a letter from the fi rst of its kind. a queer woman to her mother. same-sex desires.” This was par for the A selection of Gaysi – a portmanteau of the words Gaysi arrived at a time when there course in most of India; even for Gaysi front gay and desi (desi is Hindi slang for was no safe or open space in India for educated and employed women such covers south Asian) – fi rst appeared as a blog those who had come out, online or as the Gaysis , there were no sources of almost 10 years ago. It has since otherwise . Priya Gangwani, a regular information, no conversations in the developed a zine that retails at major contributor, remembers the fi rst time media . “It was as if queer people – bookshops across the country, hosts she came across the blog, more than especially LBT women – didn’t exist in ‘I thought I open mic events, book clubs and, most seven years ago. “I was 26 and had India,” says Gangwani, while Juneja was the recently, India’s fi rst drag king show. no vocabulary for gender and sexual describes the community as being “We needed stories we could all minorities. I did not know any LGBTQ “silent and invisible” . only one relate to, and we needed an honest people, and the only queer term I was Today, Gaysi is managed by a core with these documentation of the lived realities familiar with was homosexual, thanks team of four women . There are a few of desi queer folks,” founder Sakshi to Virginia Woolf.” regular writers – all of whom have day corrupted Juneja explains. “To be honest,” she says, “until jobs, often in IT or marketing – but same-sex Juneja began her journey online I chanced on Gaysi, I thought I was most of the content comes from female writing about gender and sexuality, the only one with these corrupted guest contributors from across the desires’

who were these people who had come Feminist writer: sexual identities? We stayed away from ‘Trans identities to listen? In the early 1970s, when I Urvashi Butalia them. That is, until queer women (we are part of India’s cut my political teeth in the feminist did not use the term then, though) movement in India, we spent much of brought the politics of queerness to the women’s our time out on the streets, protesting, attention of the so-called mainstream movement’ shouting slogans. When I look back movement. They attacked activists for now, I wonder how we communicated being blind to issues of sexual identity. and gathered crowds. Telephones were But trans identities were still hard to come by, sometimes you had to diffi cult to deal with. I remember the Earlier this month, I spoke at wait fi ve years (and pay a bribe) for a fi rst time the issue came up in a big University College London about Mona connection. And yet we mobili sed, way was at a women’s conference Ahmed, a trans woman, who lives in often on a national scale. in Kolkata. We were there in our a graveyard in the heart of Delhi . The Trans men and women were thousands. We had rented a stadium, story addressed issues of identity, very far from the movement. and everyone was to sleep on the citizenship, feminism, marginality Our battles focused on sexual fl oor, wake up, clean and swab, and more. As I spoke, I wondered: violence, dowry, marriage cook breakfast, and then go into the h ow did I, a card-carrying Indian laws, sexual harassment at the sessions. Trans women had joined us feminist, come to be talking about a workplace, equal wages for equal for the fi rst time in the mid-1990s as trans woman in today’s Delhi ? And work and health. Sexuality and we felt their struggles aligned with

12 The Guardian 30.05.17 “[Gaysi] was like discovering this new, magnifi cent, unimaginable and fascinating world. It completely blew my mind, and changed my life.” Gaysi’s impact really widened when it expanded offl ine, into events A certain age where “queer women can be queer, Michele Hanson either by themselves or with partners, without fear”. Now, they host two major open mic events a year and some kind of gathering at least once every We have a tortoise called Parker. couple of months, be it a trivia night or Really, he’s Daughter’s tortoise, but for a badminton tournament for queer various reasons he has been staying women. Gaysi’s visual content and here for months. Think it’s easy, do design editor, who goes by the you, looking after a tortoise? Think pseudonym Fishead, believes the work they just crawl about slowly , eat a adds meaning to the lives of the few dandelions and are no bother? creators and consumers. “This Wrong. Be warned. A tortoise can be an becomes even more urgent and exhausting and diffi cult pet – fearless relevant in these times, as we are and adventurous, with complex moods working towards making sure that and needs, a will of iron, moves like LGBTQI identities are never made greased lightening and the potential to invisible or silenced,” she says. cause intense anxiety. At least, this is As expected, the 2013 ruling seems my experience, particularly now that to have given this band of fi ery women the weather is lovely and warm. the zeal to make the Gaysi voice more The heat has perked Parker up. He open, powerful and inclusive . wakes early and wants to get out of In the past couple of years, several his house. At once. Who can blame applications for performing at Gaysi him? He prefers it outdoors. So he open mic events have come from escapes. He can climb on to a wodge straight people wanting to express of his bedding, push open the roof of support for the gay community ; now, his bedroom, fall from a height, land queer spectrum. This includes those even the mainstream media has started on his back, almost die, struggle to still questioning and others who do not addressing queer issues. Things might right himself, then batter the French like to be labelled, and occasionally look bleak on the legal scene, and windows until he is allowed into the supportive and encouraging stories social change may be slow in coming, garden, where he can escape almost from parents and siblings. but there is defi nitely an openness to any enclosure, climb perilous rocks, It presents a vivid portrait of what thinking and talking about sexuality come tumbling down, get stuck in it means to be queer in India, detailing among Indians. plant pots or undergrowth, or think he battles inside and outside the home . Young – and straight – people are can swim and stride into the pond. A colonial law enforced by the British more visible at LGBTQI activities in He is wrecking my career. I cannot in 1860 ruled that homosexuality the bigger cities, and attend queer work a) if he’s struggling to get out was illegal . In 2009, the law was fi lm festivals, gay pride marches and and battering windows or b) if he’s overturned, but then in 2013 it was so on. The queer community is slowly out taking risks and disappearing. reinstated . This has resulted in a rise taking physical form in the Indian Imagine the terror. Is he upside-down? in moral policing on the streets, with eye; no doubt the women behind Gaysi Drowned? Been snatched by a fox? I’m gay people constantly looking over will make this transformation quicker up and down like a yo-yo: 10 minutes their shoulders. For Gangwani, and easier. at my desk, 10 minutes checking where he is – searching undergrowth, elbow- deep in pond mud searching for his ours. But while we were prepared to being engaged equally in ‘their’ battle lifeless little body. Meanwhile, the discuss their issues, we hadn’t dealt for rights and citizenship. ddogog – assumedassumed toto be more troublesome with another crucial issue: where were In the aftermath of the brutal rape of – has his walkies, walkies, eats, and snoozes they to sleep? Which toilets would a medical student in Delhi in December qquietlyuietly in the heat.hea No problems. I have they use? At the time, we didn’t talk 2016 , the Indian government set up a trainedtrained him toto fi nd the tortoise. about what today is a central part of committee to help draft new laws on He can usuallyusua sniff him out our discussions about sexual identity: sexual violence. Feminists demanded when rewardedrew with a biscuit . where, after all, does gender lie? Is it in the committee give them a hearing, WhWhichich aall takes time. Work? the blood? On the body? In the mind? and 27 groups from across the country What wwork? This is my Nor did we talk about feminism – or spent two days in Delhi making life nnow:o dog training, more precisely, about who is or can be presentations to the committee. I tortotortoisei hunting. “Give a feminist. We kind of took it as read: think, inevitably, it was my feminism, hihimm back!” shouted Olga, we would know a feminist when we and the respect that teaches for those eexasperated.x So I did. saw one, and that was enough. on the margins, that drew me to Mona, FFor a trial week end.

ISABELLA DE MADDALENA ISABELLA DE MADDALENA Last week, as I spoke, I thought my transgender friend. Working with HHe has settled in with we’ve come a long way since then. The her for over 20 years taught me about DaughterDa at once. entire spectrum of queer identities is poverty, marginali sation, human TheTh ungrateful wretch, now very much part of the women’s relations, friendship and class – issues after all I’ve done for him. Could I be

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH movement in India, with feminists that lie at the heart of feminism. UB missing him? Just a smidgen .

30.05.17 The Guardian 13

Style Q&A Charlotte OlympiaOlympia fl ats and (below) TamaraTamara EccEcclestonelesto andand Sophia;Sophia; BirkinBirkin bagsbag

tured with pprettyretty them,them, buddybuddy boboy,y, two can play Ask Hadley twentysomethingsethings woworere tthemhem at this gamegame.. in mind, whichich does tthehe next As it hahappens,ppens, I llove Don’t buy rather lead too a glut ooff ddayay to work handbagshandbags and I’ve read cutesy stuff on sale. and sspentpent the quitequite a lot ooff nonsnonsensee age-appropriate You know, jumpersumpers wwholehole day askingasking abouta bout howhow a wwoman’soma with punningng sloslogansgans my colleacolleagues:gues: “Are handbaghandbag is her substitute subs clothes – you’re on them (clothesothes are made ththeseese tootoo cute?cute? Are babbaby,y, all sorts ofof Fr Freudiane to be worn, nnot ot read)read),, or shoeshoess tthey?hey? ” It is testament to bollocks,bollocks, all invariablyinvariabl never too old with animal ffacesaces on them.them. mmyy colleagues’ stamina they writtenwritten byby men. To whiwhich Animals wwithith what, yyouou ask? didn’t riprip the shoes offoff mmyy ffeeteet I say,say, iiff ananyoneyone sspotspots a babbabyy for cats and Oh take me by the hand, p people,eople, and shove them down mymy throat coveredcovered in the LLouisouis VuittVuittonon fl amingos while I sharee a storstoryy ffromrom the to shut me uup.p. So here’s mmyy logologo please do tell me as I wwould coalface of fashionhh shopping. A tuppence worthhdfi . I defi nitely lddon’t totallyll adopt d that h bbaby. b Your Hadley Freeman few weeks ago, a friend invited think any woman should ever girlfriend asked for a handbag me to a secondhand designer feel she’s too old for something, for her birthday, so give her fashion sale for charity, which however cute or not cute. Live a damn handbag. What kind sounded great but actually a little! Knock yourself out with of monster judges someone’s turned out to be a massive that fl amingo-print blouse! birthday request? waste of time because most rich But in answer to your ques- people’s clothes are gross. But, How many handbags is too many tion, yes, it is possible for a as I was leaving, I spotted the handbags? My girlfriend has 17 woman to have too many hand- Charlotte Olympia stall. Charlotte – I counted! – and she’s asked for bags, and that woman is Tamara Olympia is a young British brand another for her birthday. Isn’t Ecclestone. I recently watched that makes, by and very large, this ridiculous? a video in which Tamara gave lovely high-heeled shoes. Ridicu- Dan, by email a tour of her “spring/summer lous ones, of course – as all high closet”, which was essentially heels are ridiculous, given that Ladies and their handbags – a recruitment video for the In clothes and accessories, how they are torture instruments for amirite?! Spend that much on Communist party. Among the cute is too cute? (PS, I’m 45) women legitimised by society – a bag and you won’t have any many, many, many revolting Eleanor, by email but, still, they are lovely to look money to put in the bag! Good revelations in this video, includ- at. And, incredibly, I found some thing you’re around, Dan, to ing that she lives in only four How many roads must a woman fl at shoes that were pretty and py police your girlfriend’s posses- rooms in her 57-room house, was walk down before someone gives so cheap you couldn’t fi nd shoes sionssi and count them in a Tamara’s “handbag shelves”, her a seat on the bus? Yes, and in Zara at that price. But here’s ttotally non-creepy way which, as the presenter rightly how many times must a woman the thing: they had the – where would she be said, looked like the Chanel store. be patronised by shop assistants picture of a cat’s face onn withoutw you? Yes, a lot But the real kicker was that before she is legally allowed to the toe of each shoe. of womenw like hand- Tamara and her three-year-old wallop them with her handbag? Is this acceptable? bags.ba A lot of men daughter have matching Yes, and how many times must a Well, if you’re fi ve, lovelo trainers, personalised Hermès Birkin woman complain there is nothing sure. I am not fi ve. Butt watches,w suits bags . Vive la revolution! So there decent in stores for women I am my grandmoth- – all manner are two people who have too aged between 45 and 75 before er’s granddaughter ofo things, many handbags, Tamara and her anything changes? The answers, and cannot resist a really. daughter (because if you’re going my friend, are, respectively, 17, bargain, so I bought That’s right, to have a fi ve-fi gure handbag, you four and infi nity. should at least be able to spell the I have written many times If you’re going word “handbag ”). about how stupid it is that the Everyone else, though, is fashion industry directs the vast to have a five- under the limit. Especially, Dan, majority of its attention on the your girlfriend. young and the thin when older figure handbag, women generally have more Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, at least be able to Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, money to spend. But the point 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email is, most clothes are manufac- spell ‘handbag’ [email protected]. DAVE HOGAN/GETTY IMAGES DAVE PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH

30.05.17 The Guardian 15 Arts

Visitors

In 1897, the Tate Gallery (now Tate Britain) opened its doors to the public. It was built on the site of a former prison known for its use of solitary confi nement and underground punishment cells . In 1988-89, the gallery had 1.47 million visitors. In 2015- 16 this fi gure had, perhaps surprisingly, fallen to 1.27 million. A drop was also recorded at Tate Liverpool, from 653,000 to 617,000. But, taken as a whole, visitors to Tate have more than trebled over the past three decades: from 2.1 million to 6.6 million, more than two-thirds of whom go to Tate Modern. In 2010, when the museum celebrated its 10th birthday, it was able to boast that it had welcomed half a million more visitors in the previous year than New York’s Guggenheim and Museum of Modern Art put together. On one record- Painting by numbers breaking Saturday in May 2000, it had 42,000 visitors. That’s the population As Tate’s director Nicholas Serota steps down after 30 years, of Dover. Susanna Rustin Just over half of visitors are under 35, calculates how he transformed a dusty pile with nearly half a million children on by the Thames into an £86m global force school or other organised trips last year – a 1,000% increase on 1988-89, when fewer than 50,000 visited Tate Britain (then its only gallery). French is the most popular language hen Nicholas Serota, Modern was the realisation of a hugely for translated guidebooks followed aged 42, took up ambitious vision for the former, while by German, Italian, Spanish and W the post of director the renamed Tate Britain became a Japanese. In 1988, about a quarter of of the Tate Gallery showcase for the latter. Tate’s visitors were foreign tourists. At in September 1988, However, there have been missteps . Tate Modern, this fi gure has doubled his domain was a patch of land on Serota’s fi rst annual report referred to about 50%. More than half (57%) the north bank of the Thames, and a to his disappointment that an off er of gallery-goers are repeat visitors newly opened outpost on Albert Dock , for Johan Zoff any’s painting of Lord and the same percentage female. This Liverpool. As he readies himself to leave Willoughby de Broke had been rejected means that, unless older men have the post almost 30 years on, Tate has at Christie’s , and, in 1990, a major overtaken them since the research was surely grown bigger than he could have Matisse exhibition bypassed London. undertaken, the typical visitor to Tate imagined. The conceptual thrust of the Turner Modern is a British or European woman From two museums, it has expanded prize has always infuriated as well under 35 who has been there before. to four. Including the new Switch as thrilled. Others were turned off House extension to Tate Modern, the contemporary art after prices rocketed total gallery space now stands at 25,833 in the 90s, seeing it as increasingly square metres. Meanwhile, its operating a plaything for the rich. When Tate income has grown from about £14m Modern’s vast temple of free-to- to £86m, with the slice of this coming access culture opened, some found from the government shrinking from the displays underwhelming and 80% to about a third. complained of art overwhelmed by Despite lacking the grandeur of the architecture. More recently, Tate’s South Kensington museums, Tate grew longstanding sponsorship by oil giant to become a record-breaking visitor BP became the target of protests. Mover and shaker attraction and a powerful brand . It also But whether you nod along or shake … Serota, above, became a pioneer in its eff orts to share your head at such caveats, Tate is a pulls Whaam! national art collections with galleries success story – and an example of how by Roy across the land. publicly funded art can thrive through Lichtenstein Undeterred by the impossibility of vigorous self-assertion. Serota is off from storage at ever making good the weaknesses of to become chairman of Arts Council Tate Modern; British collections of modern European England, leaving Maria Balshaw to take right, Olafur paintings , Serota’s Tate embraced its over on 1 June. So what do the fi gures Eliasson’s double-headed nature – as the national tell us about how the collections, Weather Project collection of contemporary and British exhibitions and visitors have changed in installation in art. Opened in Bankside in 2000, Tate the past 30 years? the Turbine Hall

16 The Guardian 30.05.17 Collection

Today there are 72,919 works in the Tate’s collection, including the Turner bequest of 37,642 works, most ly drawings. In 1988, there were 55,771 works meaning that, setting aside the Turners, the collection under Serota has doubled . Where 30 years ago there were fewer than 1,000 sculptures, and almost 50,000 prints and works on paper , today the collection has expanded to include video and photography, while the number of paintings stands at Sponsorship 4,986. Galleries of Scotland at a knock -down Since the acquisitions budget of price. Protests at London museums date just under £2m from 1988 has been While key works of British art have back at least to the suff ragettes. They cut to zero, Tate must fundraise if it been bought and given – Joseph Wright were not invented by Liberate Tate, wishes to buy anything. Alternatively, of Derby’s 1772 masterpiece An Iron the group formed in 2010 with the aim there are gifts, either from collectors Forge is one treasure – contemporary art of ending BP’s sponsorship through or artists. Here the museum – which is the biggest growth area. And Tate has protests that included pouring oil has long made a point of cultivating gone global, with committees striving over the fl oor. Frances Spalding, relationships with artists on the to acquire new works in Asia, Africa and in her offi cial history written for grounds that it will fail without their Latin America, whose artists were once Tate’s centenary, called the BP-Tate support – has scored big successes. barely represented . relationship “one of the great stories Among Serota’s fi rst acts was to throw Two-thirds of the 1,000 works of British sponsorship” . For years, them a party, and he carried on a acquired last year were by foreign Tate fought to keep secret the details , tradition of giving birthday lunches. artists, and more than 50 countries are before being forced to disclose that Among outstanding donations represented in the Tate Modern rehang, BP had given £3.8m before its 27-year are David Hockney’s Bigger Trees launched with the Switch House sponsorship ended last year. Near Warter, Cy Twombly’s Untitled opening last year. There has also been Whichever side you are on , Tate (Bacchus) series and works by Damien an eff ort to boost the representation was a trailblazer when it comes to Hirst including The Acquired Inability of female artists who account for 37% fundraising, launching a friends to Escape (chair, ashtray, cigarettes, of the post-1960s works on display. scheme as far back as 1957. While BP lighter and desk within a vast vitrine) . Meanwhile , at Tate Britain, recent may be gone, sponsorship hasn’t. More recently, the art dealer Anthony acquisitions include Portrait of an In 2014, the museum announced D’Off ay passed on his entire collection, Unknown Lady , painted in the 1650s by Hyundai would replace Unilever as including works by Joseph Beuys and Joan Carlile, who may have been the sponsor of Turbine Hall commissions Jeff Koons, to Tate and the National fi rst professional female oil painter. until 2025.

Brand

With 3.71 million followers, Tate has a bigger Twitter following than any other museum in the world. It makes millions from its shops and restaurants. But Tate has also helped rebrand London – and perhaps even Britain. Serota was part of a delegation that travelled to Exhibitions Cut Outs in 2013 was Tate’s biggest Clockwise from China with then Chancellor George success, with half a million tickets sold. left, Tate’s Osborne in 2005. It is often said that, in the era of free Asked for his three top shows, Serota biggest hit, Serota is a believer in soft power admission, major national museums names 2002’s Matisse Picasso , along Matisse: The and cultural exchange. No one knows have come to rely on box-offi ce takings with 1996’s Cézanne , and Century City Cut Outs; what Brexit will mean for Tate’s from exhibitions in lieu of selling in 2001, which he says “set the direction Portrait of An newly globalised collection, at the tickets to their main collections. In fact, for Tate Modern to look beyond the art Unknown Lady heart of a global city. But for now it LINDA NYLIND FOR THE GUARDIAN; REX; AMY SCAIFE/LIBERATE TATE REX; AMY SCAIFE/LIBERATE NYLIND FOR THE GUARDIAN; LINDA Tate insists, most of the revenue even of Europe and North America”. For the by Joan Carlile; powers on, preparing to welcome from sell-out blockbusters is absorbed Guardian’s Adrian Searle, highlights the Liberate its fi rst female director and secure in the astronomical cost of putting on have included Bridget Riley in 2003, Tate protest in the knowledge that its Bankside such shows . Helio Oiticica four years later, and Roni at Tate Britain; branch is the most popular modern

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS In popularity terms, Matisse: The Horn in 2009. Tate’s logo art museum in the world.

30.05.17 The Guardian 17 Arts

ith the third season morgue, to what Francis Ford Coppola of Fargo , the Coen did to Martin Sheen during Apocalypse W brothers spin-off , Now? “That doesn’t mean it was bad,” comes a new threat: he says cheerfully. “I did have one panic VM Varga, a verbose attack where I thought, ‘This is it.’ It was and baleful businessman with bad a crazy time. It overtakes you. But I felt teeth, an eating disorder and a capacity so alive. My brain was on fi re.” for raining unimaginable misery on He won a stack of awards , including to his enemies. The Blackpool-born the best actor prize at Cannes, and actor David Thewlis plays him with says working with Leigh so early in an English accent and an air of chippy his career spoiled him “a little bit” for entitlement . “Varga has no scruples,” he other directors. The picture opened says, drinking iced water in a London doors for him internationally. “But members’ club. “He doesn’t care. He is not necessarily doors you’d want absolutely and irredeemably predatory.” opened.” Having been paid £15,000 for Thewlis read Economics for Leigh’s fi lm, he was suddenly banking Dummies to grasp the business side of 20 times that amount for “pieces of his character, but it was rolling news nonsense” such as the medieval fantasy that really did the trick. “You’ve got Dragonheart and the calamitous remake four days off , but you can’t go outside of The Island of Dr Moreau. because you’re in Calgary and it’s minus “I made some bad decisions. I was 30. So you just watch CNN. ” A sly smile probably wrongly advised about what fl ickers on his lips. “You could describe I should do to make myself bankable.” his political and economic philosophy ‘My brain When he did have a stab at something as Trumpian.” arty, it came out mangled: he played the The 54-year-old actor has only poet Paul Verlaine opposite Leonardo recently washed the character out of DiCaprio as Rimbaud in Total Eclipse . his hair – shaved him out, to be more was on fi re!’ DiCaprio kept his American accent precise, with Varga’s scraggly locks He’s been a prophet of doom in Naked and and the director asked Thewlis to replaced by an inch of fuzz. Where compromise with a mid-Atlantic one. Varga looks anaemic and exasperated, a wolfi sh wizard in Harry Potter – now “If anything, Leo should’ve come to me. Thewlis is tall, ruddy-cheeked and David Thewlis is taking on a Trumpian He should have got a bit closer to the relaxed in blue jeans, black blazer and Ryan Gilbey coast of Europe, anyway.” black T-shirt. He has come hotfoot baddie in Fargo. He talks to Water under the bridge. Thewlis from his new home in Sunningdale, about creeping out the Coens has now achieved that coveted mix of Berkshire, where he has moved with commercial clout and artistic integrity his wife, a French artist, to be closer to that almost eluded him. Proof of the Gracie, his 11-year-old daughter with his former lies in his recurring role as former partner, Anna Friel. Professor Lupin in the Harry Potter But Varga’s malevolence lingers on: series, as well as in blockbusters such his corroded dentures are right there as War Horse and the forthcoming in Thewlis’s satchel, ready for the Fargo, not least the abundance of Well, they fi lm Wonder Woman. For the prestige, dialogue looping he is doing after our references to other Coen brothers wanted strange … well, take your pick: he starred conversation. I ask if I can see them movies. “Even I don’t spot them all, and David Thewlis; opposite Thandie Newton in Bernardo but he demurs. “No! It’ll spoil it for you I was in The Big Lebowski.” He had a below, in Fargo Bertolucci’s Besieged, played Duncan if they’re just sat there on the table.” cameo in that stoned screwball comedy in the recent Macbeth with Michael Thewlis tends toward the circumspect as Knox Harrington, a Liverpudlian Fassbender and supplied the voice for when discussing the show. Recently, he video artist with a pencil moustache the alienated hero of Charlie Kaufman’s made the mistake of referring publicly and an abrasive cackle. He grabbed animated oddity Anomalisa . to episode three, only to receive a terse the hair clippers in the make up wagon And Fargo, which brings him full note from FX, which produces the and improvised the look himself on circle, since he shares most of his show. “It said, ‘Never talk about episode set. “Joel and Ethan saw me and went: scenes with Ewan McGregor, who also three.’ I thought, ‘Fucking hell!’” ‘Fuck!’ Well, they wanted strange.” rorose to prominence in the early 90s . Thewlis has done television before, Along with everyone else, the Coensens McGregor M arranged a screening of T2 from playing a Trotskyite musician had admired Thewlis’s performancee as TTrainspotting for the cast and crew of in Only Fools and Horses and a cocky Johnny, the acerbic prophet of doomm in FFargo at a cinema in Calgary. “It was pimp in Prime Suspect 3 (“Was it good? Mike Leigh’s 1993 fi lm Naked , in whichich vvery moving. I sat at the back on my Don’t think I ever saw it”) to the lead in he stalked the streets of London in an oown with my popcorn. I won’t say I was a recent BBC adaptation of An Inspector undertaker’s greatcoat. Despite all off iinn tears at the end, but I had to take a Calls. Just nothing like this. Nothing so the parts Thewlis has played since, ffewe deep breaths. I was a young actor in paranoid. Mystery surrounded Fargo it is still a surprise to fi nd him fresh- mmy 20s, going out in Soho, having a wild from the get-go. Thewlis committed faced and softly spoken, rather thann titime. I didn’t know Ewan, but I used to it on the strength of a handful of ranting, wild-eyed and whiskery tot see him around. It was so strange episodes and an assurance from the like Johnny. aftera all these years to be sitting there

creator, Noah Hawley, that Varga was no Word is that he went through hell watching it with him and thinking of SARAH LEE FOR THE GUARDIAN mere guest spot. “Sometimes they tell making Naked . “It’s a myth. I had a how much time had gone by.” you, ‘Oh, your character will develop’ great time.” But he did compare whatt and it never does.” Leigh put him through, which includedded Fargo is on Channel 4 at 10pm tomorrow.

But there is plenty he likes about taking him to look at a corpse in a PHOTOGRAPH

18 The Guardian 30.05.17 How we made ... Deliverance ‘Wherever poor Ned Beatty went, people would say: Squeal like a pig! It went on for years’

John Boorman, director ‘We were all as Redden strummed. There was a lot phenomenal take. I pushed John into Warner Bros had acquired the rights taking risks’ … written about how Deliverance libelled it, I said: “Do it in one. It’ll be more to James Dickey’s novel. After making from left, mountain people. But the locals were exciting, because they’ll see it happen Hell in the Pacifi c in very diffi cult Ned Beatty, thrilled with the fi lm. right in front of them. No tricks.” circumstances, they felt I was the Jon Voight, All the Warners execs walked out We were all taking risks, but John man to take it on. The fi rst thing I did Ronny Cox, without a word at the fi rst screening. was fearless. One of the actors freaked was go to meet Dickey . We drafted Bill McKinney They said: “There’s never been a fi lm out and said: “I can’t do this any more.” the screenplay together. Always by and Burt in the history of Hollywood without And John says: “It’s very simple.” He correspondence, because whenever we Reynolds women in it that made a lot of money.” grabbed an oar, jumped into the canoe met we never got much done. It was the But it made $46m, the No 5 fi lm that and goes downstream, around stuff , drinking, really. On one occasion, he year. And it’s entered the language, as and over a log. With that done, nobody locked himself in a hotel room with a poor Ned Beatty can testify. Wherever could deny him. ballerina called Amy Burke. he went, people would say: “Squeal like I almost got killed climbing the cliff ; Warners were never very convinced. a pig!” It went on for years. I decided I needed to do it so it could Once we had the script, they said : be shot in close up, which wouldn’t “We’ll do it if you can cast two stars.” Jon Voight, actor be possible with a stuntman. I was I secured Jack Nicholson and Marlon I resisted making the movie up to the about 10 feet up on the face, which was Brando, but they were too expensive. very last point. Reading the script, slippery and almost perpendicular. I Eventually, Warners said: “Make it I’d got stuck on the rape scene. But told the two grips below me: “If I start with unknowns for $2m.” I found Ned after John pressurised me, I read the to fall off , I’m going to push off the Beatty and Ronnie Cox from regional ‘Billy Redden whole thing out loud to Marcheline rocks. And you’ll catch me.” I started to theatre, and went to Jon Voight to Bertrand , who later became the slip, called out and one of them caught play Ed, the lead alongside Burt couldn’t play mother of my children. And I started me. There was a sharp rock four inches Reynolds . But he couldn’t make up the banjo so seeing myself in the piece. One point from my head. his mind. In our last phone call, I told specifi cally: when Ed is climbing the The movie still has signifi cance: him: “I’m going to count to 10.” And he a musician cliff to go and shoot the toothless guy, the idea of people facing violence and fi nally said yes. he looks over at the waterfall and says: what our responsibility is, how we have We needed someone who crouched “Christ, what a view.” I couldn’t see to step up. We leave the protection looked inbred for the banjo player. behind to do anyone else doing that moment of of others to certain members of our

ALAMY STOCK PHOTO ALAMY STOCK My assistant found this boy, Billy poetry as well. society: policemen and the military. Redden , who looked extraordinary, the fretwork The scene where Ned and I are But in some way we lose part of our but couldn’t play . So we made a shirt while he taken up into the woods by the manhood by hiding, by coddling with an extra sleeve , and a musician hillbillies is maybe my favourite ourselves into thinking we’re safe.

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH crouched behind doing the fretwork strummed’ shot in cinema – it’s done all in one Interviews by Phil Hoad

30.05.17 The Guardian 19 Theatres London

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ackie is on the phone in New Matthew Perry as Ted K with Kristen York to her jubilant sister- Hager (Joan), not fi ghting on the beach J in-law Ethel in Los Angeles, congratulating her on Bobby’s round. And is Jack – JFK – perhaps victory in the California and more like a JR character? Also shot in South Dakota primaries. “It’ll be won- Dallas. Who shot JR? But this is post- derful when we’re back in the White presidency, so JFK is no longer around. House!” says Jackie. Uh-oh, a sudden And Joan is defi nitely the Sue Ellen darkening of mood. “What do you character ... mean WE?” Ethel hisses. “It’s OUR Al l right, so it might not be a perfect turn now.” And she hangs up. Bessie fi t . Wait, though (I’m not giving up girlfriends to arch-enemies in a fl ash. on this), because in other ways The Anyway, Ethel is wrong, sadly; it’s Kennedys: Decline and Fall is just not their turn , because her husband Last night's TV like Dallas. In its high melodrama, is assassinated in the kitchen of the high-gloss tackiness, caricature perfor- Ambassador Hotel. Who shot Bobby? Like Dallas, this tale of mances, long meaningful looks. Every- Well, Sirhan Sirhan did, you prob- thing is served with double cheese – Ari ably guessed. This is The Kennedys: family revenge is best Onassis (Alexander Siddig) especially, Decline and Fall (Channel 5), follow-up pure feta. “I love it when you laugh, I to 2011 miniseries The Kennedys (and want to hear it in every room, in every not to be confused with British sitcom watched while drunk house,” he coos to Jackie. The Kennedys by Emma Kennedy ). A few more dialogue highlights, Bobby is RFK – Robert F Kennedy – of it doesn’t matter who’s saying them : course (everyone is a K ). Meanwhile, “You’re drunk.” “And you’re a bastard.” Senator Ted K, who doesn’t yet know “They’re my family.” “No, I’m your of the latest shoot er to target his family, and I forbid you to go.” “You family , is in bed with a blond woman. don’t forbid me, I won’t allow it.” “We should go to Hawaii for a couple “Whatever you do, don’t say you love of days,” he tells her, raising his By Sam Wollaston me. “I wish I had died instead of the eyebrows, in a we-should-go-to-Hawaii baby, I wish I was the one with cancer, kind of way. “I have nothing to wear,” to play a game called “drink along to this is all my fault and I know it.” “I she whispers. “Good,” says Ted, raising Dallas”. Self-explanatory, really: you know who you are, you are death, you his eyebrows again, in a why-wait- watched Dallas, you drank along; every killed your husband, you killed my for-Hawaii kind of way, then moving time someone on screen had a drink, son, you are cursed, everything you in for the kiss. The fact that Ted is you had one too. It made the experi- touch turns to death, I never want to played by Matthew Perry – Chandler! – ence of watching better, because very see you again.” doesn’t make it any easier to take this quickly you were drunk. If you were That last is Ari, to Jackie. No seriously. playing “drink along to The Kenne- laughter now, in any room. Unless it’s Oh, the blond lady is Joan, Ted’s dys”, Joan would be the one to watch. your front room, and you’re laugh- wife, this time. Usually it’s someone Actually, there is something of ing at the spectacular awfulness of it. else and poor Joansie is left moping Dallas about this. In characters, plot AND ANOTHER The Dallas comparison is unfair – on at home, pouring another gener- even. Diff erent parts of America THING Dallas. I remember it being fun. This is ous tumbler of whiskey to ease the maybe, and diff erent politics, Ken- tedious: a great story, a great political misery. An alcoholic, also hooked on nedys and Ewings, fact and fi ction, Best fact from The dynasty, turned into bad soap. Oh, and the clan, as they all are. “Belonging to history and soap, otherwise ... no, stay Fifteen Billion Pound the orchestral score, constant, stifl ing, this family is like being an addict,” she with me on this. So Hyannis Port is Railway: The Final a mournful cello to signify tragedy … Countdown (BBC2)?

KEN WORONER/CHANNEL 5 later tells Jackie (Katie Holmes), on the shut up! The only way you’ll have got Southfork, and Rose is Miss Ellie, the That the design of beach at Hyannis Port . Jackie might matriarch. Then there are the brothers, the seats on the new through the full two hours is if you be Mrs O by now – she’s had her big fat passing the power baton, getting shot. Elizabeth Line trains were playing “drink along”, in which Greek wedding, to Aristotle Onassis . Bobby is Bobby, I guess, which would will help prevent case it might have been just about

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH When I was at university, we used make Ted JR. But that’s the wrong way manspreading. bearable. Joansie! Whiskey! Glug ...

30.05.17 The Guardian 21 Film of the day TV and radio Broken, BBC1 Le Havre (1.50am, Film4) An ageing shoeshiner takes a Congolese teenager under his wing in Aki Kaurismäki’s beguiling, beautifully shot homage to French cinema

BBC1 BBC2

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Sean Bean’s sad-eyed cleric underwent what the introduc- 10.45 Election 2017 Where You Live (T) 10.30 Election Spy (T) Comedy. 11.30 Doctor in the House 10.35 Newsnight Father Michael Kerrigan tries to tion correctly describes as a (T) (R) Families (T) worried about their health invite a 11.35 Weather (T) help but fi nds a woman unable “collective nervous breakdown”. GP to move in and investigate. 11.40 Paul Hollywood’s Big Continental to accept assistance. The perfor- The story is told by those close 12.30 Weather for the Week Ahead Road Trip (T) (R) mances are superb, the writing to the events: members of the (T) 12.35 BBC News (T) 12.40 Sign Zone Richard and Jaco (T) (R) exemplary, the sense of looming royal household, government 1.40 Mexico: Earth’s Festival of Life (T) (R) 2.40 This Is BBC2 (T) catastrophe unavoidable. and media. Whether one was Phil Harrison swept up in the tumult, or baffl ed by it, this is absorbing viewing. The Chillenden Murders Andrew Mueller 9pm, BBC2 In 1996, Britain was shocked by Four to the Floor Perfect (1997) 6.35 Grand Designs 11.0 Four Other channels Speed 2: Cruise in a Bed 11.30 Four in a the murders of Lin Russell and 12.05am, Channel 4 Control (1997) 9.0 Bed 12.05 Four in a Bed X-Men: Days of 12.35 Four in a Bed 1.05 her daughter Megan, as well as Stylish music show, fi lmed like CBBC Future Past (2014) 11.35 Four in a Bed 1.40 A Place the attempted killing of Russell’s a Vice shoot, and proposing the Dumping Ground 8.30 52 Tuesdays (2013) in the Sun: Winter Sun 7.0am Arthur 7.15 The Next Step 8.50 Lost 1.50 Le Havre 2.40 A Place in the Sun: nine-year-old daughter Josie. idea of a generation of millennials League of Super Evil 7.25 & Found Jam Sessions (2011) Winter Sun 3.45 Time Dennis the Menace and Team 4.50 Time Team A year later, Michael Stone, united by temporal poverty and Gnasher 7.40 Newsround E4 ITV2 5.55 The Supervet 6.55 a victim of sexual abuse while in artistic wealth. 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Meanwhile, The Dumping Ground Baby Daddy 11.0 How I Gold 9.35 Scorpion 24 Hours in A&E 3.10 8 11.05 The Dengineers Met Your Mother 12.0 10.25 Britain’s Got Talent Out of 10 Cats found at the scene and the case Tottenham MC Oscar #World- 11.35 Little Roy 11.50 New Girl 1.0 Brooklyn 11.55 Britain’s Got Talent Arthur 12.05 Strange Hill Nine-Nine 2.0 The Big Results 12.25 Emmerdale Sky1 presented against Stone in court. peace brings hard-won wisdom High 12.25 Danger Mouse Bang Theory 3.0 How 12.55 Coronation Street 6.0am Road Wars 7.0 David Stubbs and cheeky humour from his 12.40 Shaun the Sheep I Met Your Mother 4.0 1.30 You’ve Been Framed! Road Wars 8.0 Monkey 12.45 Shaun the Sheep Brooklyn Nine-Nine 5.0 Gold 2.0 The Ellen Life 8.30 Monkey Life 9.0 Recluse release. 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Gold Five-0 2.0 Hawaii Five-0 a documentary-maker is that Channel 4 3.20 Zig and Zag 3.20 Zig Fixers 1.40 Rude Tube 8.0 Two and a Half Men 3.0 NCIS: Los Angeles and Zag’s Zogcasts 3.30 2.35 8 Out of 10 Cats 8.30 Two and a Half Men 4.0 Haven 5.0 Modern he’s a good listener. And, at this Bottersnikes & Gumbles 3.15 Gogglebox 3.55 9.0 The Keith and Paddy Family 5.30 Modern moment in Britain’s history, with 3.45 Odd Squad 4.0 The Black-ish 4.15 The Mindy Picture Show 9.30 Family Family 6.0 Futurama 6.30 Deep 4.20 Newsround Project 4.35 Rules of Guy at the Movies 10.0 The Simpsons 7.30 The the nation seemingly divided 4.25 Help! My Mini School Engagement 4.55 Rules Britain’s Got More Talent Simpsons 8.0 Supergirl into two factions staring at each Trip Is Magic 4.35 The of Engagement 5.20 11.0 Family Guy 11.30 9.0 The Flash 10.0 The Next Step 5.0 The Next Melissa & Joey Family Guy 12.0 American Force: Essex 11.0 Modern other with hostile incredulity, Step 5.20 Lifebabble Dad! 12.30 American Family 11.30 Modern 5.30 Operation Ouch! Film4 Dad! 12.55 American Family 12.0 Modern a fi lm by Perry about attitudes 6.0 Scream Street 6.10 11.0am Ramona Dad! 1.30 Celebrity Juice Family 12.30 Modern surrounding Brexit might be just Dragons: Race to the and Beezus (2010) 1.05 2.25 Teleshopping 5.55 Family 1.0 School of Edge 6.35 Dennis the Judy Moody and ITV2 Nightscreen Hard Knocks 2.0 Hawaii what we need. Here, he explores Menace and Gnasher the Not Bummer Summer More4 Five-0 3.0 The Last Ship political tribalism, national iden- 6.45 Danger Mouse 7.0 (2011) 2.50 The 4.0 Monkey Life 4.30 Horrible Histories 7.30 Harry Hill Movie (2013) 8.55am A Place in the Monkey Life 5.0 Wild tity and our emotional reasons for Operation Ouch! 8.0 The 4.35 Picture Sun: Winter Sun 9.55 Vets 5.30 Wild Vets

22 The Guardian 30.05.17 Much more on TV For news, reviews, series, liveblogs and recaps, go to theguardian.com/tv-and-radio

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Conductor (FM) Book of the Week: Revolution to discover 8.30 The Men from the (2/4) 4.0 The Museum Masterpiece Challenge (1970) 10.45 Angel Bernard Haitink. Farewell to the Horse, how British workers Ministry 9.0 The News of Curiosity (1/6) 4.0 Trailblazers: and the Badman (1947) Radio 2 Debussy: Trois nocturnes. by Ulrich Raulff. (2/5) became tied to the clock. Quiz Extra (6/8) 9.45 4.30 Ballylenon (6/6) Disco 5.0 Tales of the 12.50 Bonanza: The 88-91 MHz Netherlands Chamber 10.0 Woman’s Hour. 4.30 Great Lives: Andy Hearing with Hegley (6/8) 5.0 Girlies (4/4) 5.30 Unexpected 5.30 Tales Smiler 1.55 Bonanza: 6.30 Sara Cox 9.30 Choir (Women), Bernard Includes at 10.45 Drama: Kaufman. Proposed by 10.0 The Count of Monte Small Scenes (2/4) of the Unexpected 6.0 The Countess 3.0 Fearne Cotton 12.0 Haitink. Bruckner: Bindi Business, by Tanika Iain Lee. (9/9) 5.0 PM. Cristo (2/4) 11.0 Brazilian Discovering: James Murder, She Said Jeremy Vine 2.0 Steve Symphony No 7 in E. Gupta. (2/5) 11.0 Print With Eddie Mair. 5.54 Bonanza (1/3) 11.15 The 5 Live Cagney 7.0 Treasures of (1961) 4.45 Kind Wright 5.0 Suzi Perry Bernard Haitink. James Me a New Body. Jolyon (LW) Shipping Forecast Curiosity Cabinet (2/3) 693, 909 kHz the British Library 8.0 Hearts and Coronets 7.0 Jamie Cullum 8.0 Jo MacMillan: Trombone Jenkins explores the ways 5.57 Weather 6.0 News 12.0 Steptoe and Son 6.0 Breakfast 10.0 5 Live Passions 9.0 Tate Britain’s (1949) 6.55 What’s Whiley 10.0 Levi Roots Concerto. Jörgen van in which it is now possible 6.30 Small Scenes (R) 7.0 (5/6) 12.30 The Men Daily With Adrian Chiles Great British Walks 10.0 Up, Doc? (1972) 9.0 (4) 11.0 Nigel Ogden: Rijen, conductor Ivan to replace most of his The Archers. 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Christopher Without The Pain – Legal (2/5) 2.30 The Forsytes 5.0 Morning Reports Zeppelin 3.10 Soulpower The Worldwide & Wednesday Workout Ulster Hall in Belfast. Robson reflects on his life Drugs in Sport. With Continues (3/7) 2.45 5.15 Wake Up to Money 4.10 Sonny Rollins Live in Water Conspiracy 2.0 5.0 Vanessa Feltz Stephen Hough (piano), in music – from playing Beth McLeod. (3/10) Beauty and the Inferno ’65 and ’68 Conspiracy Theory With Ulster Orchestra, Rafael in a Salvation Army 8.40 In Touch 9.0 All in (2/5) 3.0 The Count of 6 Music Jesse Ventura: Pentagon Radio 3 Payare. Shostakovich: band, via the stage of the the Mind (6/10) 9.30 Monte Cristo (2/4) 4.0 Digital only Sky Atlantic 3.0 Hollywood’s Best Film 90.2-92.4 MHz Festive Overture, Op Coliseum singing Handel, The Life Scientific (R) The Museum of Curiosity 7.0 Craig Charles 10.0 6.0am The British 7.0 Directors: Ron Howard 6.30 Breakfast 9.0 96. Beethoven: Piano to working with Damon 10.0 The World Tonight (1/6) 4.30 Ballylenon Tom Ravenscroft 1.0 The British 8.0 Storm 3.30 Hollywood’s Best Essential Classics. Sarah Concerto No 5 in E flat, Albarn. (2/3) 12.0 News 10.45 Book at Bedtime: (6/6) 5.0 Girlies (4/4) Mark Radcliffe and City 9.0 Urban Secrets Film Directors: Wes Walker’s guest this week Op 73 (Emperor). 8.20 12.01 (LW) Shipping F Scott Fitzgerald – The 5.30 Small Scenes (2/4) Stuart Maconie 4.0 Steve 10.0 Urban Secrets 11.0 Craven 4.0 Hollywood’s is Zoë Wanamaker. 12.0 Interval: An interview Forecast 12.04 Home Lost Stories. The Couple, 6.0 Haunted 6.30 Sounds Lamacq 7.0 Marc Riley Cold Case 12.0 House Best Film Directors: John Composer of the Week: with the pianist Stephen Front: 30 May 1917 – Part One. (2/5) 11.0 Alex Natural 7.0 Steptoe and 9.0 Jon Hillcock 12.0 6 1.0 Blue Bloods 2.0 Blue Landis 4.30 Hollywood’s Clarke (2/5) 1.0 News Hough. 8.40 Prokofiev: Kitty Lumley, by Katie Edelman’s Peer Group. Son (5/6) 7.30 The Men Music Recommends 1.0 Bloods 3.0 Hotel Secrets Best Film Directors: 1.02 Lunchtime Concert: Symphony No 5 in B Hims. (32/40) 12.15 The comedian takes a from the Ministry 8.0 Sgt Pepper – A Splendid 4.0 Cold Case 5.0 House Roland Emmerich 5.0 2017 Hay Festival – flat, Op 100. 10.0 Free Call You and Yours 12.57 sideways look at the Proof (5/8) 8.30 Speak Time Was Guaranteed 6.0 Blue Bloods 7.0 Hollywood’s Best Film Mozart Plus. Recorded at Thinking: Hay 2017 – Weather 1.0 The World at millennial generation. on the Dotted Line 9.0 for All 2.0 The History of Blue Bloods 8.0 Micro Directors: Luc Besson St Mary’s Church, Hay- Women’s Voices in the One 2.0 The Archers (R) (2/2) 11.30 No Triumph, Brazilian Bonanza (1/3) Psychedelia (2/4) 2.30 Monsters 8.30 Micro 5.30 Hollywood’s Best on-Wye. Adam Walker Classical World. 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30.05.17 The Guardian 23 On the web Puzzles For tips and all manner of crossword debates, go to theguardian.com/crosswords

Quick crossword no 14,683 Sudoku no 3,761

Across 12345 1 Match up (10) 6 7 Drink — a sad meal 81 (anag) (5,3) 78 8 Diversify (4) 17 9 Nought (4) 10 Fearful (7) 12 So obvious as to be 910 492 easily decided (4-3-4) 14 Bird of prey (7) 11 16 Clutter — Chinese boat 8 517 12 13 (4) 19 Overabundance (4) 42 20 Menu with diff erently priced choices (1,2,5) 14 15 16 17 21 Art’s models (anag) — 35 64

classic painters (3,7) 18 .

Down 19 20 1 524 1 Spanish port (5)

2 Contrition (7) 1920330 333 6846 3 Test (4) 21

4 Make impossible (8) or call 5 Under no 396 circumstances (5) Solution no 14,682 6 Pressing (6) CITY GLOBULAR Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column Solution to no 3,760 11 Fruit tree (4,4) AU ALEO and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. LAGS PHEASANT Printable version at theguardian.com/sudoku 683291547 12 Without concealment IOFOCKA 459786231 (6) Stuck? For help call 0906 200 83 83 or text GOFORBROKE 127345968 guardianbooks.co.uk 13 Commercial transport GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day UWAEDDD and date the crossword appeared followed LEAGUE SERENE 592873614 of goods (7) by another space and the CLUE reference ARDSAMN 768412359 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20) 15 Complete (5) to 88010. Calls cost £1.10 per minute, plus DUTCHTREAT 341569782 17 Birds of prey — fl ying your phone company’s access charge. Texts DGLRHRU UNOPENED HA I R Stuck? For help call 0906 200 83 83. Calls cost 975138426 cost £1 per clue plus standard network £1.10 per minute, plus your phone company’s access toys (5) charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0330 NNNE RE 216954873 18 Rostrum (4) 333 6946 for customer service (charged at EVENT ING MASS charge. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0330 333 6946 834627195 standard rate). for customer service (charged at standard rate). . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save £7.96). Visit . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save Doonesbury classic Doonesbury Garry Trudeau theguardian.com/crossword

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24 The Guardian 30.05.17