Tuesday 30.05.17 Tuesday SORRY WE MISSED YOU →→ We called at: Reason forr non-delivery:non-delivnon delivvery:ery: Comment: Item: Depot:Depot Ref:: Trump v Underwood Who said it? Restaurant rules Lisa Markwell Ask Hadley Cute clothes ‘Squeal like a pig!’ Making Deliverance 12A Shortcuts Never order the specials: one of Gordon Ramsay’s tips for a good meal Restaurants Check the loos The golden rules of eating out and snack before you go Call, don’t click Places that show “no tables available” online may have ordon Ramsay has a new something if you take the Complain, complain, complain TV show to promote , so G trouble to telephone. They Nobody wants to leave dinner he’s effi ng and blinding will know about cancellations with a sour taste in their mouth and pronouncing like his career straight away, and if you … If the food is lousy or the depend s on it . Yesterday, we engage with the person at the table judders in time with the learn ed his rules for eating out: restaurant, you might get a dishwasher, tell them. A restau- never order the specials, haggle note on the booking that means rateur would rather fi over wine and be wary of the you’ll get a nicer table. and there (with a free xdessert, it then waiter’s boasts, such as “our or some wine, or money off famous lasagne”. He also asks for Look at the loos than have someone smile, pay a table for three when there are ) Like Bourdain, I wouldn’t the bill and then go home and only two dining – or does he mean eat somewhere that doesn’t Have lunch, not dinner savage them on TripAdvisor. two people and one big ego? maintain basic levels of hygiene This rule applies to the swanky It’s not new, of course. Gonzo (and the range of establish- places that off US chef Anthony Bourdain was er an often ments that don’t is amazing). brilliant-value fi doing this stuff nearly 20 years menu. It is a wonderful xed-price way to ago in the ace book Kitchen Eat before you go out experience a starry chef’s food Confi dential (his rules were: Sounds daft, but a snack an – and you won’t feel compelled never order fi sh on a Monday, or hour before setting off to order a pricey bottle at lunch. your steak well done, or brunch, you won’t fall on the bread means like Well, not always. or vegetarian food). a starving woman and then The hospitality business push your main course round Ask the expert is run on very tight margins, the plate, feeling bloated. While we’re on the subject so of course restaurateurs are of wine, unless he’s a cad, going to be “creative” with the sommelier relishes the their produce and pricing, but challenge of fi also, on the whole, they want nding something interesting to pair with your happy customers . I’ve been food that is less than, say, £40. on both sides of this game – as (On this, grudgingly, I agree a restaurant critic and as a with Ramsay, but I’d stop short chef-in-training – but mostly I’m of haggling.) just a greedy person who likes eating out. These are the rules that work for me. Lisa Markwell Parenting fi tting, the smashed bathroom which is way off the break-even to re wallpaper a child’s bedroom sink – the prison riot stuff . If you point. I’m not suggesting child- until you’re in a position to turn it Capping the cost add in all the broken glass, indoor rearing is an enterprise that ought into a home offi ce. football damage and machine- to wash its face, but we need One becomes adept at opening of household washed phones, I’m sure the total to be realistic about the losses drawers that no longer have damage by kids would reach four fi gures. incurred. According to the fi rst handles, positioning cushions Coincidentally, another survey survey, most of this child-centred over stains, placing towels where reveals that parents plunder an damage is to walls, woodwork, curtains once hung. My children average of £46.20 from their carpets, pictures, beds and sofas. quickly learned to cope with a f you’re a parent, the fi gure children’s piggy banks and money This might explain why the fi gure bathroom sink with a big hole in I will probably sound a little boxes every year, in search of is relatively low; most of the it; it stayed that way for a year, light to you: according to parking change, school lunch required repairs are of the kind until the crack spread and the a survey, the average child infl icts money and domestic petty cash. you just stop doing when you whole thing fell off the wall. £3,466 worth of damage on the I’m not saying I’ve never done have kids. By the sameme Somewhere in this obligatory average home in the course of this – I’ve cracked a few toy safes logic that makess parsimony there may even be an upbringing. in my time – but I’m not sure I professional ice a lesson: if you break it, it stays A s the father of three boys, could ever raise that hockey players broken. You will have to live with I only really remember much in the short reluctant to the consequences of your childish the expensive space of a year. Even spend money heedlessness. Unless you break NETFLIX VIA GETTY; BLOOMBERG highlights – two if I could, this level on dental work the TV. If you break the TV, your destroyed tellies, of larceny amounts until they’ve father will have a new one in its a kitchen light to about £830 a child retired, it doesn’t place within 24 hours. ripped from its over 18 years, really make sense Tim Dowling PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS 2 The Guardian 30.05.17 Fact or fiction? Leaders of the free world Donald Trump and Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) Pass notes No 3,862 Casper the Friendly Ghost POPPYCOCK Rhetoric 5 “A lot of people don’t like to A g e : 78. Casper was created in 1939 by American win. They actually don’t know illustrators Seymour Reit and Joe Oriolo. Who said it: how to win, and they don’t like Appearance: Translucent Iain Duncan Smith. to win because down deep inside Occupation: Trainee ghost. Trump or Frank they don’t want to win.” In the news because: He is predicted to return Underwood? to the cabinet if the Tories win the election. 6 “This country demands bold, Casper? Sorry, I thought you meant IDS. persistent experimentation. Angela Rippon, Why is Casper in the news? Because US It is common sense to take best known for comedian Daniel Kibblesmith has raised a he leader of the free world a method and try it. And if it presenting the Nine signifi cant question . T is a brazen narcissist, fails, admit it frankly and try O’Clock News, has Which is? “Can someone please explain to me backed by a team of another. But above all, try tested positive the physics of Casper?” underlings who would walk over something.” for opiates after Is that signifi cant? Well, it tickled the fancy of your face if it got their boss four eating poppyseed the US and UK twitterati on a holiday weekend bread. The 72-year- more years in the Oval Offi ce. 7 “The road to power is paved old received the when they didn’t want to be thinking about Was I just referring to Donald with hypocrisy, and casualties.” surprising result Trump, or the general election, or the end of Trump or Frank Underwood? on last night’s Rip western civilisation as we know it . It’s hard to tell, isn’t it? True, 8 “One of the key problems Off Britain: Food What was his point? He wanted to know Underwood is a fi ctional today is that politics is such a – demonstrating why solid objects sometimes passed through character in the TV drama House disgrace, good people don’t go how unsuspecting Casper’s body and at other times were of Cards, while Trump is in charge into government.” employees could absorbed. Casper comics depict the friendly face disciplinary of the world’s most terrifying ghost knocking on a door while being “fi lled action following military arsenal . But they have 9 “Sometimes by losing a routine drugs tests up” with falling snow. He also plucks apples so much in common – a free and battle, you fi nd a new way to after a night on the from a tree, but places them in them in his legs easy attitude towards the truth, win the war.” poppyseed bagels. for storage. an approach to ascending the And did the twitterati supply an answer? greasy pole that defi es the laws 10 “You know what, I have Many answers. “He has an ectoplasmic of gravity and a grasp of Niccolò been very successful. Everybody membrane of variable solidity ,” posited Machiavelli’s philosophy. loves me.” @kthorjensen . “He exists both as a particle To celebrate House of Cards’ and as a wave,” proff ered @stunt_penguin. fi fth season, which starts tomor- 11 “For those of us climbing to “A constant seems to be that his bottom is more row, here is a test to see if you can the top of the food chain, there solid than his head,” observed @querulus, tell the Donald from our Frank.