Bare Facts 17th May '96 University of Surrey Students' Newspaper issue 879 Snug As A Bug In A Rug In This Issue:

Nursing Sabbatical Page 4

HAT AM I * Guildford YMCA foyer breakfast time - coffee and TALKING project bacon butties! * English churches housing Communion in the Cathedral W rounded things off at Sam, with about? Well, move-on accommodation for last Friday the Cathedral hostel residents from Vaughan prayers for those who spend every night sleeping rough ... was invaded by hundreds House in Guildford brave (mad?) "sleeping * ECH single mothers supported ... and yes, we were ail lucky Craig Charles gged" souls, desperately housing project enough to have our warm homes « to go back to. Revieiw trying to keep warm (in- And yes, even the Bishop cluding our own Rev. Ian himself joined us for the night. The essentials - 2 pairs of tights, Page 6 Fisher), but most impor- 3 pairs of socks, trousers, 3 tantly raising money for The night passed without any t-shirts, 2 jumpers, cardigan, the homeless. casualties, really quite amazing coat, scarf, gloves, sleeping bag as it was pretty cold (-5C and duvet - a wimp you say? The Bishop of Guildford's apparantly - although if you'd Foundation is trying to raise a Well OK, but I feel the cold! At told me that on the night....), but ieast I was almost as snug as a minimum of £50,000 in aid of the broth (or whatever it was) bug in a rug?! local projects to aid the relief of did help warm us up, and it homelessness including. didn't seem long until it was

Colours Ball reviewed Page 16 2 Letters/Editorial SdUtyt, I would like to express my In The Search Of admiration and respect for those people that helped the girl who collapsed outside of Inspiration Chancellor's on the night of Wednesday 8th May. up with rock having the lack in strength they more insight into the meaning of then makes up for in number. Fm sure a lot of us have had HE SPARK OF life but having the serious So inspirations on how to training in first aid, including T disadvantage that they are redecorate your house are far mouth-to-mouth INSPIRATION unable to communicate their more common than those on resuscitation, but how many IS ONE OF THE ground breaking discoveries the meaning of life. of us, when it came to it, could most illusive items in the to the scientists around them. remember exactly what to do The average exam table soon and actually put that theory universe. Like Lady In much the same way that fills up with clutter (the polo into practice? Luck it rarely comes you can get normal and extra mints, spare pen, good luck when called. Instead it strong larger, the strength of teddy, spare pen, calculator, It takes a very strong and tends to 'pop' into place these inspiration particles, or spare pen, spare calculator, brave person to take responsibility for someone when you are least particles, are not constant. spare pen...) which will The high strength I particles attract the XI particle so else's life, and all those expecting it, resulting in reaction is violent resulting in utilising it at that time need. involved should be very well known historical short lived super ideas The only down side to this proud. (idearette), which lead to the utilisation is that it is fairly incidences of high I would also like to make a ground breaking discoveries. common for these particles to embarrassment... plea to all asthma sufferers, I It has been postulated that miss their intended target. So diabetics and other people Eureka! Followed by the these high strength (XI when you are sat there that know they may require hundred meters starkers particles) are attracted to attempting to complete the medication while out - please clutter This may go a long question on advanced dash to the workshop take your insulin, asthma way to explain why so many thermomechanics and before that spark dies pumps etc. with you. It is not research establishments are in suddenly have the insight into away. fair to unload the a constant state of turmoil. why Shakespeare was responsibility for your One of my favourite theories compelled to write Hamlet on inspiration is that there are welfare on to those people The common or garden look around for the English millions of inspiration around you. Next time there variety of I particle is not student with the cluttered particles flying through space may not be anyone there affected by clutter and is desk and whisper the in a completely random willing or able to help. therefore far more likely to answer... fashion. Occasionally one of strike the average person in these particles will be on the A Worried By-Stander the street. Unfortunately I correct trajectory to strike the Rob Dorey inspiration has only fraction brain in just the right way and Communications Officer of the strength of XI result in that wonder idea. (with a cluttered desk, and inspiration resulting in a more This theory has the slightly ever hopeful) subdued inspirational attack. squiffy side effect that not all sus 1 [email protected] What the standard I particles the inspiration particles actually hit their correct target. So you regularly end

University of Surrey Students' Newspaper Union House, University of Surrey, Guildford, Surrey. GU2 5XH Phone: (01483) 259275 Fax: (01483) 34749 Advertising: (01483) 259275 Email: [email protected] http://wv/w.surrey.ac.uk/UnionA>f/

Editor • Rob Dor» Music Editor • Steeve F^rench Conthbulorj: Sophie Rocks, Bagpus and Emily, Jeff BUckham, Richard Bell, Catherine Bickiey. Ben Pugh, Campusport, Russ Clark, Lee Hopkins, The Sabs, and many more....

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See the job notice board (Union Offices) or pop along to the Job Shop % 6 Featurest The Last Human On Earth? Do you think that the rape Not really. The University is charges you faced recenUy OK, but they were a little will affect your career? subdued as a audience. Well, they have altered it. Who is your idol? What colour is your I haven't got a tnie idol. If I favourite pair of had to name one then it would underpants? (Gee thanks have to be a footballer, John Rob) Barnes or someone. My favourite comedian is White with yellow stains. Richard Prior. Seriously I never become that attached to my underwear. How would your friends describe you? If you went on Jackanory, which book wouid you I don't know - probably as a read? plonker. (Hisfriends butt in at this point) Nice, definitely "Pig", it's a book about a seal nìce.lPlenty of hugging on ^e west coast of Scotland follows) and the boy who rescues it. What was your worst mark What^s your favourite smeg at school? l'm innumerate -1 can teli you It's one that they will how the word is spelt but not probably never show, the number of letters in it! My anny John Jules and I are worst mark was probably standing on a cliff and the G.C.E. level 5 in maths, that' s shot is of two little dots on top about 4% so I spelt my name of this cliff. I give Darmy a right. shove and he starts shouting that Tm pushing him out of Sum up your life so far in a the shot. Silly really as we're sentence? at hecklers seemed to RAIG CHAR- only two little dots on top of Exciting, definitely exciting. discourage the act, but a few a cliff They'll never show it LES, poet, come- brave souls attempted and dian or gun as I go ballistic at him. Craig Charles "Live on C were put down with well Earth " is available on video. wielding maniac? At rehearsed one liners. Well Do you like Surrey? ieast that is what I was what else can you do when ali A new serìes of Red Dwarf starts fìlming on 20th May. asking myself having you are known for is the last been subjected to the first human alive with the table Sophie Rocks manners of a walrus (that with assistance from Rob minute of his show "Live being an insult to the walnis). on Earth". He entered Dorey with guns blazing appar- Mr. Charles did move on to other subjects after a bit. His ently enjoying himself stag night was one of and then started on a amusement, the image of a show that sounded like man rollerblading naked machine gun fire as down a slope certainly brought a smile to many words rattled out of his women's faces. mouth sometimes scarcely seeming to pass What did Mr. Charles have to through his brain. "These say for himself? guns cost me 60 ciga- How do you react to people rettes in prison". Did who say you are not fìinny? they? Well you were Nobody has actually said that ripped off! to my face, I mean who's Shooting your audience going to (very unlikely when before you start might be a you are brandishing a gun) If good move for many they do then it is their choice, would-be comedians but everyone has different tastes. Craig Charles doesn't need to Why do you find it <4, uA» ve. U kw • convince many people that he necessary to use guns in ^ilÌift.' is funny. Although some your act? jokes seemed a little too tame for our crowd most were just I like guns and I like shooting. right allowing the low target My brother is a policeman 0 I to be hit rapidly in quick and keeps guns and I like succession. His habit of firing shooting them. Why not? Music 7 LIVE REVIEWS MAKEf^6HAKER5 good moment being 'Pop Cop'. The crowd love them &AWL/PURE55ENCE/ and it's difñcult to see The THE GYRE5 Gyres missing the boat heading for stardom. London Asteria 2 Puressence are a Manchester lOth May band and a damn fme one at that. It's just over a year since These Maker Shaker things I first witnessed the gorgeous are supposed to be showcase spectacle that is Puressence, gigs for young bands to then I was convinced, after display their potentiai. Each of tonight's match winning the 4 (I miss Coast due to the performance I know that it is crap underground system) only a matter of time before bands on show tonight are the rest of the world is sucked bands who The Melody Maker in. believe will be big stars in the very near future. On stage Puressence are an awesome sight, singer James Scotland's The Gyres are an stands dead stili during songs destined for fame and fortune. and glares at people who dare Not because they are very to move during their the crowd at last are beginning sounding jaunts but sadly lack good but because their lead performance. Songs like the to realise that. any real conviction, they are singer believes he is Liam past single 'I Suppose' and nothing memorable. Top Gallagher. He stands like him, 'You're Only Twisting My Headliners Bawl l'm añ'aid moments include the new sings like him and it's not unti! Arm' send shivers down your can not cut it. The industry single 'Glenn Campbell' and he opens his mouth that you back as Puressence easily fiiendly Britpop of The Gyres the snappily titled know that he is Scottish and draw the crowd in. 'India' and the atmospheric brilliance 'Sainsbury's Is a Better Place not Mancunian. It's a finishes a set that is too short of Puressence means that most To Shop'. 1-0 to Manchester terrifying sight. and they are easily the finest people here have had enough, again it appears. band on offer on this tour, and and so about 50 remain for The songs themselves are run Bawl. The songs are fresh of the mUl stuff with their one SINGLE REVIEWS REVELINO their comeuppance. Then of catchiest records you'll SINGLE OF THlü again they could well be the hear for months. (8) miìlK I Know \A/hat You new Ash.(8) Want SENNET AUDlOWEß 5PACE (Muöidiöc/3rd June) Colossal Man Into My WorU Female Of The Revelino are on the verge of (Roadrunner/27th (Mother/20th May) great things in their native Speciee May) It' s not often that a band' s fu-st Ireland. They have been (¿ut/27th May) Bennet are one of these bands three singles are as good as picking up award after award and look set to become big The smooth and sensitive who are supposed to be hugely Audioweb's have been, but nature of this rather cool original and incredibly witty Audioweb it appears are not stars. Over here however. Revelino are relatively record could well turn wiüi it. Their songs are about every band. 'Into My World' 'Fcmalc Of The Spccics' into honcst things that could well is possibly their finest single unknown and despite the grand nature of 'I Know What one of the surprise hits of happen to anyone at anytime yet. A clever mix of indie, Summer. In a radical change of in their lives. Bennet's new techno and reggae that is You Want' they look set to stay that way. direction from their last ska single, 'Colossal Man' is similar in greatness to the new tinged effort, Space, have about being fat and of course single from Black Grape. Their music is best described gone easy listening. 'Female it ts utteriy hilarious. It is more laid back than their as Ash meets Weezer with a Of The Species' features the bit of Teenage Fanclub's type of music that wouldn't The funniest thing about first singles and isn't as Bennet and their raucous pop, directly in your face, but the cheek thrown in for good sound out of place on a Sinatra measure. 'I Know What You song or something that has is the fact that they are dn smooth blend of guitars and Roadrunner Records, a labeí keyboards allows the song to Want' is a multi-guitared been made by Burt Bacharach. adventure that bubbles along usually associated with heavy develop into a savage beast. metal and punk rock. For your further enjoyment nicely until a 'Girl From It's swooping strings and Mars' type chorus causes it to classical Spanish guitars and Sepultura, Shelter and Dog there are a couple of great Eat Dog are just three of the remixes, with the best one overfiow. It's actually rather sublime piano all the way good. However the current through and complete with a labels protégés. Bennet sound Coming from dance floor and look like The Lightning heroes 808 State. Their debut crop of Irish guitar bands that set of whispery vocals are making a name for 'Female of The Species' is one Seeds, which is why 'Colossal album is really going to be Man' is frankly laughable. (5) something special. (9) themselves over here maybe 8 Music 6TRAN(3EL0VE ZOE youthful pop and in comes a and re-reinvent herself as the disastrous desire to be Alanis divine songstress we ali liked Beautiful Alone Hammer Morrisette. and not a pale Imitation of the most annoying woman in (Food/5rd June) (Wired/27th May) 'Hammer' is a violent song music. (4) After the slightly depressing Yes it's that Zoe, the sunny about inflicting pain on a natiire of Stamgelove's last disco queen who made us ali loved one, Zoe tries her GRANT LEE single it Comes with much joy smile and jump with glee hardest to sound angry and that at last they have made a when she released her menacing but fails, on top of 3UFFAL0 sunny pop blast. However in 'Sunshine On A Rainy Day' that the music sounds exactly Homespun true Strangelove style this single. Seemingly back from the same as that on 'Hand In song is about the highs felt the dead, Zoe has reinvented My pocket'. Zoe should (5la6h/20th May) disappear back into obscurity after the lows of alcoholism. herself. gone is the blissful After a quite lengthy layoff, The happy feeling about Grant Lee Buffalo return with 'Beautiful Alone' has tumed a single that shows that it into the most daring and during their absence they commercial single of have progressed musically Strangelove's career and about as far as the corner subsequently their best. shop. 'Homespun' is the first single to be taken from their 'Beautiful Alone' is forthcoming 'Copperopolis' infectiously catchy and will album which according to the no doubt get the airplay it band is the most creatively deserves. It looks like the satisfying work the band have battle of gloom that was ever done. planned for their forthcoming tour with the current kings of 'Homespun' is angry about misery Whipping Boy will something but somewhere in have to cancelled. (7) between the time it started and the time it disappeared up its own arse in a fit of American rawk band who hate themselves Syndrome l've sadly forgotten. (3) ALBUM REVIEWS ALBUM OF THE It also includes more than one some of the more familiar Come Down For?' gives CD perfect pop moment, 'India' ñames such as 'The Flow' by Space to young bands that are miìlK is six minutes of pure anger Model 500 which is twisted tiying to make it or are just that is rolled into one huge and tumed into a stomping beginning to. PURE55ENCE song, whilst the luscious jungle monster by Reece Puressence 'Casting Lazy Shadows' is himself. Also the jazz fuelled Top tracks include the geeky like 'She's Lost Control' on masterpiece 'Solaar Feelings' punk of Symposium, and the (löland/AII Formats) happy pills. 'Puressence' is by Jacob's Optical Stairway excellent 'Mum's Short Day' by Swimmer, which is best The eponymously titled possibly the finest début is well Worth a listen. described as llie Fall playing debut album by Puressence album you'll hear ali year. (9) Most of this collection is Wire songs in a kitchen sink. shows perfectly why they are pretty obscure sttiff, but this on the verge of very big Also woi^ a mention are the VARI0U5 ARTÌ5T5 you shouldn't let this deter things. 'Puressence' is an National Heroes who are fast In Order To Dance 6 you most of the material on excellent album, it is full of becoming Britain's answer to this album is either furious atmospheric songs that have - Drum 'N* Bass Sebadoh. techno or seething jungle and singer James' Alison (R&S/2xCD/4xLP) it is one of the ^tter dance Most of the bands featured on Moyetish vocals lifting each compilations around at the this record are pretty obscure one to something quite In recent months drum 'n' moment. (8) acts, but again there is wide marvellous. bass has been kìcking up a bit selection available and he of a storm and over the bands obscurity shouldn'tput Puressence sound like they summer months it is expected VARI0U5 ACT5T6 you of buying what is an listened to far too much Joy to become more and more What Old You Come enjoyable album (7) Divison in their younger days populär. With prime movers Down For? and this is shown on several such as Alex Reece going VARI0U5 ARTI5T5 of their songs such as past chartwards ali the time, drum (Genki/CD Only) single 'I Suppose' and the 'n' bass looks set to big Or\0\na\ Gan^etae superb poignant business very soon. This is an album that Soundtrack 'Understanding' . celebrates Club Zitt the first 'Puressence' is big on guitars, European techno institution and (arguably) the best indie (Noo Tr^be/Al! it has a large dollop of attitude R&S have therefore club to hit Camden Town. In Formats) and has just a litüe bit more unleashed this concept on to the four years that Club Zitt feedback that at times makes the market. An album which has been running it has held Original Gangstas looks set to them more like Echo and The showcases the more unknown breakthrough gigs for the become the most influential Bunnymen than Joy Division. talents of drum 'n' bass. Top likes of Gene, Audioweb and black movie since 'Boyz In tracks are however from Delicatessen. 'What Did You the Hood'. The Soundtrack to With Many Attractions Such As: Clrcufi Pair Ground (Big Wheel; Waltzers; Dodgems, and many other attractions) The ''Atlantic fioul Machine" Karaoke Casino Cocktails Londons' Double fiix Club And Much Much More Pun to be had**** j

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^¿dkU Oh- Saie 'pnam Tùtim T^ecefiCùm Jn^^Wandeuf 20t&"ÌÌùuf MS 14th June 1996 From: The Only Way to Celebrate Your 7:00pm tili Graduatìon, and Say goodbye to Friends. 6:00am l J M I VIKSI r\ C >1 ll^l-il ^ r^ • c >r>j

WEEK ENDINO FRIDAY MAY 24th Por those of you who are about to enter the real world

Priday 3aturday -BEER. "FEST Sunday Monday TiEUSTniiiuiniiirTnmB Grad Ball Tickets and End of Year Disco JOCASTA tickets on sale 12-2pm NUBIIJM DOOB

Xu esday Wed n es d ay Ftik aJ> Dan Mescali Irieh Singar Main Strage

Rriday "Thursday 8pin-4ain mm'ü^mc The End Of Year Disco RfSiNTS AN E^ÍNING Of AimiOL roisoNiNG ACMOWLEDGmmS...MSUEniswmldmthavehappemdwiihmt.

USSU stage Crew, USSU Security, The House Offìcers.Vìc Walker (Your names not down ) Bamey Jeavons (Top Blöke), Haii Sutherland. Sharon Baker and the rest of the merry sabbaticals, Malcom Hamting, Sue SImmonds, Ann Balley, The Entertainments Commltee 1995/96, The 1996 Charter Ball Commlttee, The 1996 Graduatlon Ball Committee, Steve Major, Tigger, lan Lipp, and the rest of the ex-lifers who still come back and help, Jo Reay-Child, Robbie Reynolds, Tim Read (Super Stud who lacks ehest hair), AND EVERYBODY WHO TURNED ÜP, THANK YOU n The End Of Year Disco

FEATURINQ THE BUCKETHEADS (The Bomb (These sounds fall into my mind), Qot myself Together, Time and Space) WOMDERBRASS The Bat^alion 01 Brass PLUS DJ'S CHRIS HASIAM (FNO] & LEROY WILSON (SHAG) NAIN UNION 8PN-4AN £5 23rd May 1996 Music 9 both movies were important to finest moment, a cover of slowed down hip hop beats to yourself in after a hectic day or their success. 'Original Dylans 'Hurdy Gurdy Man'. devastating effect such as on night. It crosses the smooth Gangstas' features a whole It does occasionally pull itself the classic 'Zvona' by Joe with the soulful and the sexy tribe of American rap artists out of the gutter like on the Nation and 'All Of This' by with the funky, all the best bits who are all breaking through former Single 'The Lord Is A Deepend. from a great party only slowed in the American music charts. Monkey' and the Christina 'New Moves' is a fme album down to prolong your In features some acts that have Applegate obsessed 'TV Star' that is just perfect to lose excitement. Ace. (8) recently been successful over both of which show the more here, such as the Luniz and sincere side of The Surfers Geto Boys and some bloke nature. Other than these two called Ice T. moments and a couple of all Other names to check out for right rants, 'Electric are Spice 1 and Facemob. The Larryland' is an album that is rest of this album is wishy best left for real fans of the washy hip hop and swingbeat band. It won't change your that is best avoided. The film lives. (5) should be better. Hopefiilly. (6) VAmue ARTI5T5 Neiv Moves THE BUTTHOLE (Chili Out/All 5URFERS Formats) Electric Larryland 'New Moves'is a collection of (Capitol/Ail the best moments of the last Formats) two years of the Chili Out label. It does a fme job is It's a shame that a band with a reinforcing the view that Chili name such as theirs have never Out Records is possibly the quite made it over here coolest label around. 'New because it would be great Moves' gives us a selection of hearing Nicky Campbell cool grooves and downtempo saying The Butthole Surfers. ^thems that are perfect for Still one of America's finest relaxing to. It describes itself cult bands are back with as music for your armchair, another album of banal garage and it's not far wrong. rock. Sadly it again not a patch on their older work, like their It combines lazy ambient Space sounds of the 50s with Music a la Rob rSVCHEDUrjANIS American/All speed. Several of the bands The Cars, Neil Young, Pink have several songs covered, I Royd and Steely Dan among SweII Formats) would have thought it more others are turned into virtually (Island/AII Formats) educational to cover a few unrecognisable versions of the REPLICANTS more artists. The Slayer originals. Certainly different, This came with a sticker originals are nothing special, and interesting but hardly featuring the chemical Replicants though Drunk Drivers Against essential.(6) formula for caffeine, which is (Zoo/All Formats) Mad Mothers is a great title. something I suggest you SMASHING imbibe a iarge quantity of Two albums featuring cover While I have a lot of time for before you listen to this álbum, versions, not exactly original the era of US punk represented PUMPKINS unless, of course, dull, but. Slayer, sick of the here, I'd say that unless you Tonight, Tonight are a Slayer completist don't repetitive derivative so-called punk of Green Day, (Hut/Out Now) alterna-rock is your thing. have decided' to "educate" bother with this album, go and Some of the songs rip off people with covers of true buy the Minor Threat Another great single from the Sugar oíhers Bleach-era punk songs with a couple of compilation or any albums by magnificent Smashing Nirvana, however all are dull originals thrown in. This punk the other artists and add some Pumpkins, a string led ballad and instantly forgotten. Don't covers thing is hardly new, Black Flag, Minutemen, that showcases Billy Corgan's even Guns N' Roses did an Circle Jerks and the first voice to its best effect. even bother wasting your album of them a couple of money on this.(2) Suicidais album.(4) Available on 2 CD singles (I years ago, and to be honest I hate these marketing scams) have no problem with Green Replicants are some of the 5LAYER Day. Slayer give us songs people from Tool and some of which have six new tracks Ündieputed Att¡tUí::le from Verbal Abuse, Minor Failure and thankfully they between them all in a similar Threat, TSOL, DI, DRI and have put some thought into the slow and somewhat Iggy (tiiey absolutely murder I covers they play. A selection melancholy vibe. Enjoyable. Wanna Be Your Dog) all of songs that they probably (8) played at typical breakneck listened to in their youth from RobW. 10 Film and Cinema

A Summer of Films

be a non-stop stunt fest, with gang team up to bring their Demi Moore & Christina a plot! Opens on the 5th July. own Interpretation of Robert Ricci ali star in "Now and HIS WEEK WE Louis Stevenson's classic Then", a girlie movie in a Next up, another spy movie, tale of pirates. With a similar vein to "Waiting To Tare going to pre- "Spy Hard". Leslie Nielsen is supporting cast of Tim Curry, Exhale"; Richard Dreyfuss view some of the Steele...Dick Steele, agent Jennifer Saunders and Billy stare in "Mr Holland's Opus" big movies that will be WD-40 in this spoof of, well, Connolly, prepare to be and Kurt Russell and Steven out towards the end of just about every spy movie boarded by what will surely Segai team up in "Executive the academic year or ever made. Nielsen parodies be one of this summers Decision". over the summer vaca- 'True Lies", "In The Line Of biggest hits. Fire", James Bond and "Pulp Finally though, the movie we tion. Please note that ali Fiction" (!?) to name but a details are correct as we Also in the pipeline for tip for the summer, best few. TTie trailer is brilliant summer releases are described by the lines from go to press but may and it looks like the Airplane "Vampire in Brooklyn" the trailer, we'll leave with change on the whim of a style spoof will continue well starring Eddie Murphy & this thought: studio, star, director etc. into the next century. Opens directed by Wes Craven; the First off we have, cue fuse on the 24th May. controversial "Kids", a story On day one they arrive and music, "Mission of sex, drugs and life amongst on day two they attack Impossible". Starring Tom On the same day as "Spy teenagers in New York; "^e Cruise and directed by Brian Hard" we finally get to see Juror" with Demi Moore; 9th August 1996 is "Muppet Treasure Island". "Down Below", a submarine Independence Day De Palma. This big screen Kermit, Miss Piggy, The the seventies movie spoof starring Kelsey the day we fight back. Version of Great Gonzo, Fozzie and the Grammar, Melanie Griffith, action TV show promises to ODEON Cinema Week commencing Friday 17th Saturday Mornìng Picture Show May for 7 days The Indian In The Cupboard Coming Soon! (PG)at 11.25 Mr Holland's Opus Sunday to Thursday at (2.15 The Swan Princess (U)... (PG) except Sun) 5.45, 8.40 BaltoCU)at 11.10 25th May Twelve Monkeys (15) Dunston Checks In (PG) at Ace Ventura: When Nature Friday and Saturday at 1.45, 11.30 Calls(PG)... Ist June 5.30, 8.30 Friday and Saturday at 3.30, 6.30,9.35 Toy Story (PG) at 11.00 A Little Princess (U)... 8th Sunday to Thursday at 1.45, June 5.00, 8.10 Sunday to Tuesday & **A11 seats £2.00 or £2.50** Thursday at 2.00,5.30,8.25 The Pebble And The Richard III (15) Penguin (U)... 15th June No screening on Friday and Saturday at 2.15, Wednesday 4.40,7.10 Fihns For Ali Seasons - Spring Sunday to Thursday at 1.15, Toy Story (PG) Wed 22nd May LaHaine (15) French Twist (18)... Wed 3.40,6.10 5th June Friday and Saturday at 1.00, at 1.45,4.00,6.30, 8.50 3.00,5.00 Copycat (18) Coming Soon! Booking from one week Sunday at 1.30, 3.30 before play date. Friday and Saturday at 9.45 Il Postino (U)... Wed 29th Sunday to Thursday at 8.35 Dunsten Checks In May (PG) The Birdcage (15) Friday and Saturday at 1.30 Friday and Saturday at 7.00, 9.50 Classifíeds 11 • Steve, Dave and Andrew, Chancellors thanks!!! • Humph! Personals Love Zoe. the ali singing, ali phone- • Are reversing beepers fit- box dancing trio from • Caroline- I can siili taste • F*** Piaget! - It's ali over ted as standard on wide Spalding, leave their mark the lip-balm!!!!! Keep the - sorry Kirtsy but I just had loads??? on the Ram, the Furkin and toput this in!! bed warm! a British Rail bush • I am still available. Is it • Hannah Noel: Did you • He He He He good or bad? • Oh birdü! - Hse. 52 Uni think l'd forget?! Tve just • Nice haircut Pravin ! Court • Prepare for the end of se- been biding my time. Say • Kes. It' s big and bendy and mester bash. You ali know Cheese! • You should hear Shant & much much more who you are. You ali know Caroline when they get go- where it is. Yoy know • So Karen- what did you do • Attention. Shant has ai- ing!! what to bring. You ali that coaches tyres?? ready found his maid. • Walking down the Canal know who to do ( and who • Good Luck to ali thosc Street, Looking for a .... • You can now send your to do it with)! who' ve yet to take their ex- personáis in via the wallet! Finally found it • Hong needs to pulì- ali the ams. In the mean time, back in my room. WWW! - Use the form on party-on. the BF Web Service doors at Bo' s ! ( As usuai ) ! • What a bunch of LESbi- • Munchie - What will it be • I stili haven't forgotten ans! • Kes are your platforms wa- next, We're up to Y in the terproof? about my revenge!! so medicai dictionary now! • My kettle, ignore the birds, keep waiting, Curly ! ! • Mark- you sexy beast. the chairs, phone and the • S, Only 1 week left -1 think • lan Ellis- How much cake door. Put your pillow over Marry me. Love from N. did you have? that we should make the your head and then tum to • To the Wanky postman- most of it? CJ • Dear Ted, have a happy re- me for more, love your Keep those messages • So Shant, you must be weil ^ürement good luck for the slow to warm iron. COMING!!! ^Pfuture, we'll miss you, SHAGGED out (wink, • l'd just like to say some- • Happy 22nd Birthday love Laura and ali at Uni wink). thing to ali DOMS stu- from Matt H, Alex and court. • CATH and JOSE JO!!! dents- IT'S ABOUT Jose. • V&J - Why would I want Byeeeeee have a great time TIME WE WERE DÖING • What's the probability that to windowshop in Pound- and thanks for a great SOME WORK! Richard wiU come to cam- stretcher, when I can af- year!! love from a loud • Definition for Munchaus- pus withOUT his walk- ford to shop regularly in northener! sons disease - Chris! Hope man! I think they have Harrods? Love Beavis. you're feeling better... more chance of raising the • Dial OllOlOlOOl^coming • Galling all Boume 3 fu^t Again! titanic. soon, another fresher years: Make sure you do us week. Tliird time lucky • Disco Dave - Here's hop- • The ego has landed...his proud on Saturday (I don't • It's nearly over girlies - ing that you LARGE IT ownerin trouble!!! doubt it for one minute!!) hang on in there!! luv Vie UP this weekend. • Sorry that I couldn't find a • Andy Gr: 8MH2? Dœs it + Rach XX • Theories of Politicai Eco- lamp post for you nadia! take batteries? • BEN and SALLY!!! Bye nomies? Theories ofPants • Nina, is this a sign of the • Caroline, who was that MRS!!!!!!!! see you soon more like. times? love from No. 49 vampire on Thursday lovechucky egg!!! • Slash, Cut, Whip! Zorro night?!! • I WANT A HOUSE AND • DANCE DIVA!!!!!! rides again! I WANT IT NOW. • lan thanks for letting me Busty tops and pink jelly • Paul, Tania, Catherine: my know the gossip...!!!! So • I Love You Keir!XXXXX fish go wild in the ailes for life was so weil planned ali the right reasons in life how is your pHD student? • Emma, Emma, before this weekend! so keep collecting the toi- Strange you only pulì Emma Yawn, Yawn, letrolls!!!!! • when everyone else isn't • To Hse. 52 U/C - Thanks Yawn around..! ! Are you sure it's for a great year guys -1 will • Rob- Thanks for putting up • CHARLIE: Thanks for a not your imagina- miss you! See you in 1998! with US SBS & DOMS per- brilliant first year. .see you tion he he. • The ego will suffer come sonáis war. in Leicester (or Bcni- • Eviline and the aquatic River Sports Day. dorm... ! ! ! ! Brits on the piss • So who's for a SOAS? '96!) Love Zoe. swimming git - all's fair in • Never! The ego is water- love and war?! tight! • ni miss putting ali these • Sarah (2nd year Biochem) ads in over the summer! • He is the phonebox dancer • The exams are over and I - reports of orgasmic expe- Firkin instigator. have the hangover to prove • Announcement. Mark Fol- rience in BOS it - thanks to a little help kard is stili seeking a love- • To my little teddy-bear • Bubzy - Fat boy, get ready life. to be Stitched. from Rachel, Sue and dimbo, l've missed you some peach schnapps! • So how are the men then? lately - where have you • I dunnö, Moon stick or Jam been? Get out of your • Good luck, Josh, Jill, I know - you're not a tart, rag. Which one Runty? room and put a smile back Daryl and Vanessa - can I just friendly..!!!! on my face xxxx • Simon, if you don't stop come round for dinner • Noel- Soda water? calling me lard, l'il do some time in • George the chemist - re- something drastic! • Well, another year fin- • Dave:- cheer-up you mis- ishes. Will the fun improve peat prescription required. • Ram takeaways! Beats the erable bugger! again? • Happy retirement to Ted Bingol kebab any day, eh from ali in house 40 Stag • It's party time! - well done • To_the Uni Kindergarden - lads? Hill to all final yearpsychology are my assets suitable • Kev, she does you know. and APS - we made it!! enough for Mr Kevorkian? • Leicester Square - BE- Lard knows these things • CHARLIE: Just ONE left • So Mark - there were WARE!!! • Alan C., when will you to go.... Good Luck mate. enough ads in for you last • Bone, Lee's girifriend teils stop Pulling MINGERS? Mine's several pints down week, did you get many me you never get one! replies???? 12 Classifieds • Shaz got a Hicky from there, Lots of love, • Girls, get your pant beards Iqit! 'MATE' on show, cause the boyz Notices • Malaka (my son) in room 66 GPA - slut central! are raging AB + JB Aïkido AGM Monday 29 I - your ttend can pull My son you need a break! • So Ben when do we kill May 15:30 at TB23. without trying - why can't The women are there for your housemates? - R Parachute Club AGM, 21st you?l you to take! • Black 1/09 Hoar - more May, LTF 6pm, All members • Anna - Which was more Come now IVOR....your shower scenes please!! to attend, especially satìsfying, the dildo or the Dads on the phone! • G-Man is a sexy beast; He important for those first time pencil? To all Russian fmal year always gives women in jumpers who jumped last • Räch - do you know any- beer session in Chancel- bed a feast; He likes to play semester. one called Alan?!? love lors after GREVOL- dirQr; He looks like he's Civil Engineering AGM Vie OGY??? thirty; He must have Monday 20th May 5AA19 shagged 10,000 women at Ipm • Georgy Porgy Pudding Sarah-we know why you least! and Pie, kissed the girl, she were 'inactive' all week, did not cry (except for obviously the caravan • Ist year Physics, Shane, I wasn't warm enough for think you're soooo sexy Sigma Visuals Gradu- more) ation Photographers • And Tim! you. We'll be more pre- and you haven't even pared next time and come looked my way. I only require students for recep- • Thanks to everyone who equipped with a rug and a have 3 weeks left here - lets tion work on the 13th and put up with me, Sophie log fireü make it the best 3 weeks of 14th June. our lives xxxx • To all the womens rugby Celia, Duncan, Lars, Vin- For further details please club Keep up the good beer nie Who eise don't we • Jonathan Wines, I love contact drinking I'H be back??? like?? you, I just wish your situ- Jane on 01483 2351 BUDA The Extra Groovy Organ- ation was different. Love • Quote Irish Jane, *is dildo ism is here to stay! Linda B. a foreign name?' G&S Soc AGM Week 15 T- thanks for putting up • Sarah do the washing up. Mon 20th May SU Upper • I owe you one Mike! ! with me during the exams • Nicci - Alfonzo says Bar. Videos will be • Yvonne, Bully, Fuckwit, P HeUo! distributed (remember your Sam, and everyone I know. Respect to all the Chem • Su, Good luck tomorrow £15) GOOD LUCK! ! for the fu- Engers who lasted the dis- luv Jon + Nessy xx ture. Love Sarah. See you Boxing Club AGM. tance. At least we eamed • Watch out, Watch out - the Campusports 6:30pm Wed at graduation HOPE- our degree! Andre FULLY! ego deflaters are about! ! ! ! 22nd May B4 training. Hyacunth; Good Luck for Contact Mario, 4725, if you • J, Tm sorry about last the 25th we'U be thinking can'tattend weekend, thanks for being of you loadsa love Natty! Drama AGM - 7:30pm TB Sexy barr-stard llMay22nd WA^^TKl), Bare Facts Secretary and Helpers »set the last Cheesy Quavers for next year If you think you can epare some time (it only has to ba a few hours a week) and all those photos then drop into the BF office and see Mei or Rob we couldn't print before! DEADLINE 5PH HOM Bare Facts the Students Newspaper Crosswords 13 Crosswords Across 7. Grapple (7) I. Get into a motor vehicle (5) 12. Virtue (8) 4. Bird of the crow family (7) 13. Mended shoes (7) 5.Largejug (7) 15. Precious metal intended 9. Skeleton (5) for coinage (7) 10. The dregs of liquor (4) 16. Full of gladness (6) II. It keeps one afloat (8) 18. A game on board (5) 13. Expurgator (6) 20. Singer - and a note is 14. Having no power (6) heard! (5) 17. Tradesman's entrance? 21.Unruffled (4) (4,4) Last Weeks Solution 19. Move about lightly (4) Across: 1. wring 4. musical 8. 22. Feudal lord - in Belgium! instead 9. ambit 10. pai 11. (5) met-paste 13. tandem 15. 23. Enthusiastic reception (7) urgent 18. overcoats 20. moa 24. Leavesoff(7) 21. clear 23. prophet 24. 25. Person under age - an one reissue 25. super underground by the sound of Down: 1. whippet2. insolence it! (5) 3. gleam 4. madman 5. sharper Down 6. cob 7. lithe 12. steamship 1. Banish (5) 14. escorts 16. tractor 17. 2. Bird of the heron family (7) sample 18. occur 19. slops 22. 3. District of London (4) Eli 4. Suddenly tuggin' - ajacket! (6) 5. Fine face (8) 6. Famous old bowler (5)

Skills for Life LroRARY OPENING HOURS S THE UN- add to this during your first THINKABLE job. You might learn 25 May - 28 July HAPPENS, and management techniques for Ayou near the time when example, or improve your organisational ability. You Monday 0900-1700 you have to leave Uni- might pick up specialised versity, you may be knowledge such as how to l\iesday 0900-2000 dreading the thought of program in C++ or basic being trapped in a job accounting procedures. It is which you hate for the these which subsequent Wednesday 0900-1700 rest of your life. employers may well be Many people are naturally interested in. They become Thursday 0900-2000 loyal. My Dad worked for the particularly important if you same firm for over 50 years. If every consider a radicai career Friday 0900-1700 you would like to woric for one change. employer for the best part of your career there is little If your first job tums out to be Saturday CLOSED less enjoyable or less fulfilling stopping you doing that other than you expected, or, if you than your employer carrying only ever intended it to a Sunday CLOSED out a mass redundancy stepping-stone to our next job programme! As it happens, a anyway, try to 'sell' the recent survey showed just the positive aspects of the opposite. At least 50% of fmal experience. Even if your job 29 July - 8 September year students expected to has bored you silly, you can leave their first employer tum this to your advantage by Monday - Friday 0900-1700 within 3-4 years. The world is saying you're looking for changing. Employees move more challenge and further around and employers expect opportunities to develop and Saturday - Sunday CLOSED them to have done so. The use your skills. This conveys message is, you are not unspoken messages about 'trapped' by your first job. ambition, motivation and enthusiasm which every CLOSED BANK HOLIDAYS: The escape route, if you want employer in the country is to use it, is through the skills keen to hear. 27 May and 26 August and experience you pick up at Telephone: 01483 259235/259287 each stage. You leave Russ Qark University with one set, then Careers Service 14 Featurest Lifetime Links with the Land of Learning after your name? Surely moved to a desert island to to- provide career advice or you've been there, done that, recover ft-om it all. even training to those still HE LARGEST now you just want to get on studying as well as those who with killing the baddie, Of course that's just the tip of have left - perhaps even some T the iceberg, we also hold UNIVERSITY getting the boy/girl and kind of job spot newsletter SOCIETY isn't saving the entire planet! reunions and have started up listing vacancies a the run from the Student's two networking groups in companies where graduates Well for one thing in a few London and Surrey which Union, has nothing to do work - it depends if you want months time you may find have successfully brought this or not. with Campusport, yet it yourself thinking / wonder together graduates eager to has over 10,000 mem- what old Biggsie 's up to ? We swap business contacts and Basically the society exists as bers and is set to increase hold a register of everyone discuss shared Surrey a service and as the society experiences, as well as having its numbers by at least graduating from the get bigger it's important that University and - as long as a good time. We hold sports the Alumni Officer, Jane 10% each year. You'll be they want to speak to you - we days and golf days and are Cohen, is kept up to date with a member without filling can put you in touch. responsible for organising the what everyone is doing and in any form and the Edith Clark lecture. We can with what the members want If you pay up to become a also arrange reduced rates on from it. I chances are you'll be to- subscribing member, for a AA membership and supply tally unaware of what mere £10 for lifetime you with University scarves, So, go on, take the 'risk' of your membership enti- membership, you'll receive umbrellas etc - the sort of being associated with your tles you to. both the publications that are things you don't think you university - splash the cash The University of Surrey issued, Suney Graduate and want now, but which (going and make your university Society is the society of Network, keeping you in by past record) you'll hanker work for you for that bit graduates of the University, touch with what's going on after in a couple of years time. longer... here, who got to the top of the and from this year, after Beth Jenkins graduation, you'll tree, who eventually married We are also looking into ways automatically becomc a that spotty guy they in which students could Marketing & Media member. mistakenly pulled in the benefit from our links with Assistant But why should maintain second year and who's graduates who might be able links with the place where you got those extra letters Student UNIVERSITY The University of OF SURREY SURREY Parking UNION CLUB SOCIETY Permits LIFE MEMBERSHIP PACKAGE APPUCATION FORM

Those student living off sit in the next ^ademic year, Title . Forenames Surname outside of the parking exclusion zone, who are Address for mailing _ entitled to purchase a parking permit will be able to Postcode do so, providing they can produceproof of ownership URN No of the vehicle, on the following dates, according to the first letter of their surname, in the Lecture Theatre Years at University: From To upper concourse. Department Course Monday 9th September 11am • 2pm A-F I hereby apply for Life Membership of: (please indicate) Tuesday 10th September Ham - 2pm G-O The University of Surrey Society £10.00 Wednesday 11th September Ham - 2pm P-Z The University of Surrey Union Club £12.50 TTie Package (of the above two) £22.50 Thursday 12th September Ham - 2pm Friday 13th September Ham - 2pm (Anyone I enclose two (2) passport sized photos (for Union membership only). unable to get in before) Please make cheque payable to: University of Surrey Union Club Signed Date With effect form the 16th September any vehicle Please return this form to: Union Club Cashier parked on campus between 7:30 am and 6pm Monday 'Graduate Membership' to Friday will require a valid parking permit or a day Union House, University of Surrey ticket or it will be liable to be impounded Guildford, Surrey, GU2 5XH Sport 15 URGENT Brickies Bring The Campusport Space House Down!! T WAS CIVIL EN- 5th Nursing 14 Request Forms GINEERING ALL 6th= MSE 6 the way at last Satur- LL CLUBS Space requests include - I 6th= Maths & Comp 6 Summer 1996, September day's FACULTY should have re- SPORTS DAY. Not only 8th= Music 0 ceived return 1996 (continuing students) A and Autumn & Spring did they win the Faculty 8th= MSTHI 0 forms conceming a re- Semesters 1996/67. Cup but also the Partici- quest for space at the PARTICIPATION SHIELD Unless your Club indicates pation Shield. Campusport/Varsity preferred times etc, space will 4any thanks to all those who Ist Civ Eng Centres and other venues NOT be automatically took part. The overall results 2nd LIS allocated. Wherever possible, were as follows: on campus. These must 3rd= Mech Eng please give alternative be returned by FACULTY CUP WEDNESDAY 22ND meeting times (check your 3rd= Nursing coaches availability!). MAY together with con- Ist CivEng 102 5th= DOMS tact addresses and tele- Sally Edie 2nd MechEng 38 5th= MSE Head of Sports phone numbers during 3rd LIS 26 Programmes I the summer vacation. 4th DOMS 18 Splish Splash

The rules have been drawn up ready for the battle to conunence. The venue has been set. The cali has gone out to ali prospective challengers. Prepare for the ultimate challenge... RIVER SPORTS DAY! OK, so not all of you have finished your exams. But for those of you who have NOW is the time to work some of the post exam beer out of you system and release tìhat stress, get together with some friends and form a team to do battle for the ultimate prize .... More beer! All lovingly donated by Scruffy Muiphy's. To form your team just fili out die entry form in this weeks BF (or last weeks) and pop it into Campusport with your entry fee. See you there. RIVER SPORTS DAV ENTRV FORM WEDNESDAV 22ND MAV TO BE RETURNED BY MONDAY 20TH MAY 2:00PM) TEAM ENTRY FEE OF £5.00 TO COVER PRIZES/MEDALS/MATERlALS EtC COMPLETE BELOW FOR ENTRY (each team muM concisi of a minimum of 6 peoolO No òf teatns

ENTRY MADE BY:„ {!) "Hig Of War (4 meii/2 women)

(2) Water Gladiators (mixed teams) DEPARTMENT: .CONTACT TEL: (a) Slalom (2 enteries - give names). CONTACT ADDRESS:,

(b) Gladiators (4 enteries - give namesX-

(3) Beginners Canoe Race NAME OFTEAM (Separale cntrics for each team)-. Men (give names):- -

Signed (Entry Contact): Fee (£5) enclosedi. Women (give names):,.. Enteries must be accompanied by a signed statement by

ALL team members indicating swimming ability of (4) Rafling Up Chariot Race (2 men/1 woman) 100 meters and responsibiUty for own safety

All entrants MUST wear plimsolls (including the Tug of War and that (5) Raft Change About üfe jackels are to be wom for ALL EVENTS. Opeo woundi should be covered by waterfffoof plasters. 16 Sport The Colours Ball, 1996 (official) Colours Ball 1996 was on the night drink Bitter me' Lockley and The Friday Night Out of 3rd May, when the Generalissimo herself the almighty Julie Amiss (she's sooo with a difference. Tsports clubs of our es- masterful), who made it all teemed establishment happen. riday 3rd May : outstanding sportsperson of You may have no- the year, went to Nerijus gathered together in trib- Congratulations must go to Beiga, one of our Eastern ute and to celebrate the Rohan Miller for doing less Fticed that Chancel- European Scholars, who also sporting prowess of our than I have this year and still lors Bar was full of ele- won three gold medals at the sportspeople. getting into the gantly dressed, rather so- British Universities Vice-Chancellors speech Forget a night at the Oscars, phisticated sports people. Swimming Championships this was when the mighty (people have been talking!), for Surrey. gladiators who proudly don everyone who made it to the At about 6pm they the noble colours of Suney on toilet before they threw up, should have all departed The formalities over with, the Ian Tyson and Co, who upon for one of the best events band played on and our very the field of combat, or who seeing the dire state of the of the sporting year. The own Alan D. Roy letrip on the participate in a traffic the coaches were stuck decks until three in the non-competitive sport just for in used what could be loosely one and only time that all morning. At this point in the the sheer hell of it have their termed as management the sports men and story, over three himdred and annual self-congratulatory potential (some would say women of the University fifty students vacated what ball, hearty backslapping, extreme thirst) and got off the get together to spend two used to be a rather palatial port and cigars all round. To coach and got the Tube. Good venue. They looked mightily stand up and be counted. At Work Fella! Oh, and not to hours in a coach up to the worse for wear, and least, that was what the Vice forget the sportsmen and London. definitely ready to make the Chancellor was told when he women who got their full and Despite the late start and the long journey (yet thankfully was asked to subsidise it half colours, and especially copious amounts of shorter than the one seven the winners of University champagne consumed by hours before!) back to what But No to all that, it was just caps who represented the those very same guests of was nearly sunny Guildford. an excuse to get as pissed as a country in their sport, and the honour, who arrived early by fart and vomit over your posh mountaineering club who car, and that normally I would personally like to frockVdinner jacket. In fact, I were (allegedly) the most complain about "bloody thank all those that helped can't remember a bloody successful club. students" taking more than organise the event, but also all thing about it (I even slept their fair share, the evening those people that tumed up to through De-Wint De-Woo's A good night was had by all, got of to a great start. make the Ball what it is and speech - but I don't think it except for one forlone nurse what it was. Special thanks go who was just looking for 'abit The top table was well out of to the New Connaught was the drink) so all this is the way so most of the actual made up (me talk Bull??). of rough' but went home Rooms for serving lovely disappointed. No-one was sports people could get on cold food, and to the I.R.A. It had been the culmination of caught in a compromising with the job of enjoying for setting off another bomb many months work and position (to the best of my themselves. The food was scare in Wandsworth on the special thanks must go to knowledge) but there is a served, and let's say no more day of our Colours Ball. Crew for the very heavy set, reward for information about it. The speeches came Jon Perrin at Campusport for leading to severe and went, which was just as A great sporting end to a great squeezing the R^fle prizes embarrassment /public well (although I did think the sporting year. Thankyou out of his suppliers, Sam and humiliation/stoning. And as Sport's Officer's speech was everybody. Fay Bacon, Curly and Cazza for me? well, needless to say rather good!) and then came the important part. Take the Hint (A regular (sounds like a good name for I didn't feel my best the next unbiased student) a children's programme) for day, but then again, who Over eighty people recieved Oh - and wasn't the Sports the gorgeous table would? some form of award, either Officer's poem good! decorations, (but where's my for themselves or on behalf of money for the McDonalds?). CINGA. their club, including sixteen But the most thanks must go people who recieved the new to the conmiittee, especially Club Colours award. The De-Wint De-Woo, Steve 'I Leggett Trophy, for the most Audio Visual Services are pleased to he associateci with and be printing for The University of Surrey Students' Union "Bare Facts" if^ warm welcome is extended to ali ISpiversity Staff <£ Students to fulfil your requiréhtenis in

Printing & Photocopying/Graphic Ì>esìgn, Phdtography, Television & Audio, Projection Services.

l'niven>ily of Surrey. Guildfura. Surrey. 0U2 5X11. Tejj (01483) 25929^Pa?^(01483) 259390