Bare Facts 17th May '96 University of Surrey Students' Newspaper issue 879 Snug As A Bug In A Rug In This Issue: Nursing Sabbatical Page 4 HAT AM I * Guildford YMCA foyer breakfast time - coffee and TALKING project bacon butties! * English churches housing Communion in the Cathedral W rounded things off at Sam, with about? Well, move-on accommodation for last Friday the Cathedral hostel residents from Vaughan prayers for those who spend every night sleeping rough ... was invaded by hundreds House in Guildford brave (mad?) "sleeping * ECH single mothers supported ... and yes, we were ail lucky Craig Charles gged" souls, desperately housing project enough to have our warm homes « to go back to. Revieiw trying to keep warm (in- And yes, even the Bishop cluding our own Rev. Ian himself joined us for the night. The essentials - 2 pairs of tights, Page 6 Fisher), but most impor- 3 pairs of socks, trousers, 3 tantly raising money for The night passed without any t-shirts, 2 jumpers, cardigan, the homeless. casualties, really quite amazing coat, scarf, gloves, sleeping bag as it was pretty cold (-5C and duvet - a wimp you say? The Bishop of Guildford's apparantly - although if you'd Foundation is trying to raise a Well OK, but I feel the cold! At told me that on the night....), but ieast I was almost as snug as a minimum of £50,000 in aid of the broth (or whatever it was) bug in a rug?! local projects to aid the relief of did help warm us up, and it homelessness including. didn't seem long until it was Colours Ball reviewed Page 16 2 Letters/Editorial SdUtyt, I would like to express my In The Search Of admiration and respect for those people that helped the girl who collapsed outside of Inspiration Chancellor's on the night of Wednesday 8th May. up with rock having the lack in strength they more insight into the meaning of then makes up for in number. Fm sure a lot of us have had HE SPARK OF life but having the serious So inspirations on how to training in first aid, including T disadvantage that they are redecorate your house are far mouth-to-mouth INSPIRATION unable to communicate their more common than those on resuscitation, but how many IS ONE OF THE ground breaking discoveries the meaning of life. of us, when it came to it, could most illusive items in the to the scientists around them. remember exactly what to do The average exam table soon and actually put that theory universe. Like Lady In much the same way that fills up with clutter (the polo into practice? Luck it rarely comes you can get normal and extra mints, spare pen, good luck when called. Instead it strong larger, the strength of teddy, spare pen, calculator, It takes a very strong and tends to 'pop' into place these inspiration particles, or spare pen, spare calculator, brave person to take responsibility for someone when you are least particles, are not constant. spare pen...) which will The high strength I particles attract the XI particle so else's life, and all those expecting it, resulting in reaction is violent resulting in utilising it at that time need. involved should be very well known historical short lived super ideas The only down side to this proud. (idearette), which lead to the utilisation is that it is fairly incidences of high I would also like to make a ground breaking discoveries. common for these particles to embarrassment... plea to all asthma sufferers, I It has been postulated that miss their intended target. So diabetics and other people Eureka! Followed by the these high strength (XI when you are sat there that know they may require hundred meters starkers particles) are attracted to attempting to complete the medication while out - please clutter This may go a long question on advanced dash to the workshop take your insulin, asthma way to explain why so many thermomechanics and before that spark dies pumps etc. with you. It is not research establishments are in suddenly have the insight into away. fair to unload the a constant state of turmoil. why Shakespeare was responsibility for your One of my favourite theories compelled to write Hamlet on inspiration is that there are welfare on to those people The common or garden look around for the English millions of inspiration around you. Next time there variety of I particle is not student with the cluttered particles flying through space may not be anyone there affected by clutter and is desk and whisper the in a completely random willing or able to help. therefore far more likely to answer... fashion. Occasionally one of strike the average person in these particles will be on the A Worried By-Stander the street. Unfortunately I correct trajectory to strike the Rob Dorey inspiration has only fraction brain in just the right way and Communications Officer of the strength of XI result in that wonder idea. (with a cluttered desk, and inspiration resulting in a more This theory has the slightly ever hopeful) subdued inspirational attack. squiffy side effect that not all sus 1 [email protected] What the standard I particles the inspiration particles actually hit their correct target. So you regularly end University of Surrey Students' Newspaper Union House, University of Surrey, Guildford, Surrey. GU2 5XH Phone: (01483) 259275 Fax: (01483) 34749 Advertising: (01483) 259275 Email: [email protected] http://wv/w.surrey.ac.uk/UnionA>f/ Editor • Rob Dor» Music Editor • Steeve F^rench Conthbulorj: Sophie Rocks, Bagpus and Emily, Jeff BUckham, Richard Bell, Catherine Bickiey. Ben Pugh, Campusport, Russ Clark, Lee Hopkins, The Sabs, and many more.... •»FMbBO 4 kf a» al Unoa afinM pM » «NM a« HM un* tart ••-MI ari to IB Hw poifaiain»« IM > HviMM b» d Wfuihu *« In^nd «MI «»»f fcnntc 01 »• iminoi« »• « «How« UMtU» « « WMT« tw .MM «• M Mfc MPWMOL n É We B *t n<e 3 Featurest Cheesy Quavers was the inevitable, "He's her disclose secret StarFleet di'cUuf skin inflamed to three times its normal size. dead, Jim" or "It's life, Jim, thingys. Her soprano Once again, a hodgepodge of but not as we know it" and an whimperings give way to ideas as the exams ^e their However it is done, eight engineer who routinely bent protracted guttural moans as toll on the human energy hours after hair removal it will the laws of physics whilst the microthong is approached, system. Firstly... have grown back a third of a toasting his testicles in the breached and discarded... Is millimetre, 90% of the hair The Role of Somatic warp drive. The threatened that the working end of a shafts poking above the skin to cancellation of the series after phaser we see peeking from Hypermutatíon ín Evolving put an end to evening Politicai Awareness. Good two years brought more than within the cavern of her snogging and the remaining 400,000 letters of protest, innermost desires? phrase, eh! Utterly 10% embedding their meaningless, naturellement, most of which were Uterate chisel-sharp points back into and some even profound. Weil, we'll never know, but it rolls off the tongue the skin lo foment a bounteous because during final editing of nevertheless. Having no use for such an crop of zits the next moming. audience, NBC killed Star the movie the American The Beard. Nature has Trek off in its third year. basketballer Magic Johnson provided us males with a And what of the joys of not announced, shyly, to a stunned powerftil signal of our ability shaving for a few weeks and Re-run syndication and five world that he had AIDS. Being to reproduce by installing a growing a proper beard, a movies — raneing from a heterosexual basketball beard once we hit puberty. beard at least an inch in stinkingly bad (5 )to.sortof player, it took no great leap of Society, obsessed as it is with length? Well, apart ftom your good (2"^ and 4"^) — imagination to figure out how the human body and the face getting a chance to transported Kirk et al into he possibly got it. establishment of rules that recover from b u l ! i o n The phaser suddenly had no only a tiny few can ever hope the ravages of heaven. A to achieve, demands that we "..Picture, if place fi^om which to appear. It shaving, you new series certainly could no longer go remove it, thus re-establishing get the (complete the smooth, infantile face that you dare, an there and Kirk's mouth was infinitesimal with proper ruled out because the phaser's does not threaten the chastity joy of actors that of otherwise hot-to-trot ageing backblast stripped the toupee awakening to al l o w ed right off William Shatner's females. Studies have shown greet the dawn character that the average male is bald paté, even after it was and Uhuru with developm secured with epoxy cement. confronted by three discovering ent, as weil questions/demands when he So instead you got the first that your face her hands as a cracker heterosexual mind meld, starts a serious relationship: has grown of a Eastem "Why don't you grow a betwixt Mr. Spöck and a into the weave pinned high European bimbette. Although, to be fair, beard?", "I don't like your of your S h i p ' s beard. Shave it off' and "I she did possess wickedly pillow, or that above her Counsellor curved and pointed ears, and changed my mind.