The Reluctant Famulus #119

2 The Reluctant Famulus 119

September-October 2017 Thomas D. Sadler, Editor/Publisher, etc. 305 Gills Branch Road, Owenton, KY 40359 E-mail: [email protected] Contents Introduction, Editor 3 Some Haikus, Denney E. Marshall 4, R col. A Gentleman’s Life, Eric Barraclough 6 A Parody, Walt Wentz 11 Kentuckiana, Alfred D. Byrd 12 The Crotchety Critic, Michaele Jordan 17 NAE Part One, Gayle Perry 20 NAE Part Two, Gayle Perry 6 Another Parody, Walt Wentz 32 Letters 35 Conclusion, Editor Artwork/Photos

Brad Foster 11 lower right col., 42 Denney E. Marshall 4, 11 lower left col,34, 40 Spore 4, 35, 37, 39 T. D. S. Photos, 16, 43 SF magazine covers, Internet 5, 43 From the Internet 19, bottom of right column

The Reluctant Famulus is a product of Strange Dwarf Publications. Some of the comments expressed herein are solely those of the Editor/Publisher and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts of any sane, rational persons who know what they are doing and have carefully thought out beforehand what they wanted to say. Material not written or produced by the Editor/Publisher is printed by permission of the various writers and artists and is copyright by them and remains their sole property and reverts to them after publication. TRF maybe obtained for The Usual but, in return for written material and artwork, postage costs, The Meaning of Life, and Editorial Whim. Or a ton of Hershey’s Special Dark chocolate.

2 3 The Reluctant Famulus Not much going on or worthwhile

Before I go any further I need to make a be- with flying colors. (It must be nice to recall things lated correction and apology. In TRF 116 I ne- Dave remembered. Showoff. glected to credit Denney Marshal for the Haikus One thing I did remember when Dave re- in that issue. I’m sorry about the omission and minded me was that Bob Sabella was at the con- will strive in the future to avoid to doing such an vention. He had attended it mainly to meet me. oversight again Give credit when credit is due. He and I had become pretty good friends as did I seem to be running low on anecdotes from Dave and George, Lan Laskowski, and, to a cer- the conventions I attended but I’m trying hard to tain extent Buck Coulson. But back to the size of come up with something, anything at all. I’ve the group. You can bet that I was as surprised as been relying on my memory which I admit is not anyone else at the size if the group. Repeating always accurate and error free. Here is, so far, myself: when I came up with the idea I had a one of the few experiences I have at least a vague smaller number in mind. Even so, they were all recollection as to what went on. Thankfully, I welcome. I never even though that so many other have the help of fan and friend Dave Rowe who fans would want to join it. With me, nobody im- was in the following event. portant or special! It was during one of the several Inconjunction I’m fairly sure it was during a Millennicon cons. It was on a Saturday. I came up with the held in Dayton Ohio. I remember another dinner idea (not an original one) of getting some of the in which I was involved but it was definitely a fans I knew together and go to some restaurant smaller one. Helen Davis and her family were for dinner. In my mind it would be only a small there and, curse it, some others whose names I number of fans I knew well for an intimate din- can’t recall (Can you see a pattern here?) I could ner. It would include my family. Dave Rowe was remember it because I paid for the group’s din- one of them (I’m ashamed to admit I can’t recall ners! And I was hardly a rich man, moneywise. I the names of the others. I fervently wish I could, was in a very good, expansive mood. It wouldn’t damn me,). Since Dave was familiar with the area surprise me that if Helen were to read this part because he lived nearby he picked the restaurant she may helpfully correct me. and made the reservation. We ended up going to a I can’t remember if I wrote about this before; Pizzeria Uno which easily accommodates groups. I hope not. Yes it is back to Dr. Who but with a As I said above it was to be a modest group. different slant. I’m sure that nothing will come of When we got there Dave was spokesman for our this. The Doctor regenerates in to a man but group. When our table became available there there’s a difference. On the Doctor’s first adven- was an announcement, “Rowe. Table for 18.” In ture there’s a glitch. He travels to a time and helping me remember, Dave wrote that, place in the universe where he’d never been. As “someone in line exclaimed “Table for 18”, “as he’s trying to learn what’s going he finds that tho’ it was an impossibility.” According to Dave he’s not alone. There’s someone else. She, too, the server said he was relatively new and was was a “Rogue” Time-lord (lordess? Lady?) who pleased to be waiting on our table it was the first appropriated a Tardis and went off on her own large party he had been given. He came through quest for adventure or solving problems. This is

3 4 part of her territory, so to speak. Some Poetry and art by Denney E. Marshall At first there would be the usual friction and disagreements between two different people. But Seven Science Fiction Haiku eventually over several episodes they learn to aliens arrive work together successfully. In one episode the with no spaceship or journey male doctor finds the solution, in another episode, born in the earth core the female does, alternately, or with the same solution. after million years It won’t be all sunshine and roses It should dust drop from mars, lands on yard show new dimension to the Doctor(s) I imagine hibernates for now this will make things complicated but viewers large spaceship in sky would have either their favorite Doctor or be unmanned robot alien happy with both. In my way of thinking it’s a organ harvester matter of equality between them with occasional spats. There might also be a companion or two ufo stranded involved. After all, some problems may be too nothing wrong with the spaceship great for a single Doctor to cope with. Yeah. I lost the keys again know. It’s a wacky idea and unworkable and I’m sun bakes mercury certain there are many objections to it. To me it’s the stove is getting hotter a way to show that people can work together in earth is on menu spite of their differences and gender, both of which should be equal. Ultimately they show mu- before attack starts tual respect for each other in spite of their differ- aliens block light from sun ences. Okay. So I’m an unrealistic nut. After all, too freak us out why would the BBC pay any attention to some- frozen thousand years thing of mine. They’d laugh their heads off. As you are filled with the horror the man said about the airplane without wings or when you see ex-wife wheels, “That’ll never fly.” And the idea is too late anyway.

That will have to do for now, until and unless I’m able to think of anything more worth writing about. Stop laughing at my crazy idea. I’m in an alternate universe or the 13th dimension. On the next page, a few more old SF magazine covers. I’m featuring fewer this time partly to insure I have plenty of them left to use and partly because though the color covers are nice they sure suck up a lot of color ink.

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he points out himself. Why three of Karloff'’s A Gentleman’s Life marriages ended are complete mysteries. His first marriage certificate records his religion as Catho- Eric Barraclough lic, this is the only known connection between Karloff and Catholicism. And the day before he Boris Karloff died, as he slipped in and out of consciousness, More Than a Monster he repeated the name Walter Pidgeon. The book’s Stephen Jacobs only other mention of Pidgeon is as second vice- Tomahawk Press president of the Screen Actors Guild in Novem- 2011 ber 1951. 568 pages What Jacobs’s research uncovers about Kar- loff’s relatives could fill a few more books besides. His great aunt was Anna Leonowens who was the Anna of The King and I. His mother was said by one admirer to be the most beautiful woman in the world. His brothers included one who was knighted and one who refused a knight- Boris Karloff'’s authorized biography has hood, was responsible for ordering the arrest of been written, again. It’s either the third or fourth. Mahatma Gandhi and lived under Nazi occupa- The previous book was Boris Karloff: A Gen- tion in the Channel Islands (the only area of the tleman’s Life by Scott Allen Nollen (Midnight United Kingdom to be invaded by Hitler). A Marquee Press, 1999). As will become apparent cousin was arrested for murder and acquitted Nollen’s subtitle is the more literal. whereas a niece went insane and murdered both Jacobss; tome is, however, the more deeply her children. researched. Unfortunately that shows. As for Karloff himself, he loved cricket, dog He has managed to tracked down just about breeding and gardening. He was a founding mem- every town and play that Karloff took part in dur- ber of the Screen Actors Guild (and detested the ing his “start” with touring companies and a pré- Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences). cis of practically every play’s plot is given. At He was Frank Sinatra’s unofficial acting coach the same time Jacobs is honest enough not to em- and was married five times which puts him only bellish and only very rarely does he speculate. three below Elizabeth Taylor. But one detail he Jacobs sticks to whatever he found, no additives. kept very secret was that he was bi-racial (Indian/ This results in an unevenness with his story of White) and had to claim that he just tanned easily. Karloff. There is one horrifying incident when the This was not out of shame but because of the five year old son of Karloff’s cook drowned in Hays Code which became the rules of conduct for Karloff’s swimming pool, that rates a single para- Hollywood. They are quite famous for their bed- graph. While with a touring company, Karloff room rules, such as at all times at least one foot lived through the destruction of the Canadian must be on the ground (which also happens to be town of Regina by a tornado, again that rates one a rule in walking races and billiards) but what is paragraph but a banquet (with a list of all the less known is that they were racialist. Actors of guests) can cover three. different races were not allowed inter-racial rela- And because of that refusal to speculate Ja- tionships on screen. That could have inhibited cobs leaves some very loose ends, some of which Karloff’s career greatly. Karloff made some

6 7 eighty movies before Frankenstein, most of them reference in the whole book to Karloff improvis- silents, where he was type-cast as an evil French- ing. Christopher Lee loved working with Karloff. Canadian fur trapper (and you thought Filthy Pi- Their first film together was made just after Lee erre was the first) but it is with the event of talk- had portrayed Frankenstein’s creation and just ies and people taking note of Karloff that the before he was to make his first book abandons its rather pedestrian pace and Dracula movie but there was no discussion on really takes off. Jacobs's sources are all the quotes how to play classic horror roles. Karloff was from the film fan magazines. It becomes more Omar the Tentmaker (1922) conversational and therefore more human. It also becomes more questionable because film fan magazines were notoriously upbeat, uncritical and dishonest. Jacobs himself raises this point but if you want to question the quote you are going to have to keep flipping forward to the End- notes. Another irritating aspect of the book is when Jacobs takes two accounts (separated by thirty years or so) of a same incident and then points to all the inconsistencies. If those accounts were separated by one day there would be inconsistencies. The human mind is not a smartphone and does not record events with total accuracy but too much of a gentleman to impose any axioms. Jacobs is an honest writer which also causes him That was just after MGM (with Amalgamated to be pedantic. Pictures) were planning to re-make Dracula with Luckily for us that means thorough research Karloff but then Universal sold the rights to Ham- which digs up some interesting tales such as how mer Film Productions. Lon Chaney Jr., resented close Karloff came to being nothing more than a Karloff’s success. “That guy isn’t one bit better supporting actor. His breakthrough role was, of than I am”. However Jack Hill (who directed both course, as Frankenstein’ monster but the role was of them) remarked pointedly “But of course, Bo- originally offered to Bela Lugosi who wanted to ris didn’t drink.” Oddly enough, well before his create his own make-up. What resulted was a horror roles, Karloff was friends with Lon monster practically hidden by a mass of hair. Chaney Sr. Maybe Lugosi had seen the short silent version It's fair to note that not all of Karloff’s movies where the monster appears to have a bush for a were successes. Jacobs gives Sabaka three terse hair-do. Whatever, nobody liked it so the make- paragraphs covering title troubles, plot-line, Kar- up crew set about one based on the Jewish legend loff’s role and where it was filmed which is let- of the Golem. Lugosi ended up with an extremely ting off, scot free, a debacle of a movie. It is said oversized head. Nobody liked that one either, ex- that it was released three times! If so, it flopped cept Lugosi. After that he turned down the role, three times. It was filmed in the age of TV which some say on the advice of his agent. It was not a had Rin-tin-tin (a boy and his dog), Champion, good decision. To pictures after Frankenstein the Wonder Horse (a boy and his semi-feral Lugosi was only earning a third of what Karloff horse) and Circus Boy (a boy and his baby ele- was and Lugosi spent the rest of his life knowing phant) so why not have a series about Gunga that he had engineered his own downfall (that and Ram (a boy and his full grown elephant and a his heroin addiction). semi-feral tiger)? The movie was supposed to Of other horror actors, Karloff enjoyed work- kick-off a TV series. Some hopes! The production ing with Peter Lorre but was put off-kilter by was dire. As a single example, one white actor Lorre’ constant improvisations. Karloff always playing a half-naked Indian had his face and stuck doggedly to the script and there is only one hands “browned-up” but the make-up boys left

7 8 his torso Caucasian pink. knew a totally different persona. Again and again, The legend is that Targets was Karloff’s last with every film, play, radio or TV episode he movie. It was probably his best and would have made, the litany is repeated. He was wonderful been a great one to go out on. But there were five Frankenstein (1931) to work with, a real gentle- more, the last four were filmed back-to-back over a four week period (it was supposed to be a three week period!). The very last, The Incredible Inva- sion, was held back for years until other scenes were shot and added. Even Jack Hill (who was guilty of Spider Baby) said “It broke my heart to see what they’d done to it.” It was during that shoot that Karloff met Walt Daugherty. Daugherty helped organize the 1946 Worldcon and had gone on to be a Hollywood stuntman and professional photographer. In the latter capacity, Daugherty took a series of portrait photos of the actor which both Karloff and his wife declared were “the finest portraits that he’d ever had taken.” In fact he'd signed one “To Walt— I've waited 15 years for the finest pictures that have ever been made of me. Gratefully, Boris man, nothing like the roles he played (as if he Karloff.” was expected to murder his fellow cast mem- As far back the 1940’s, after several success- bers?), knew all his lines backwards and was to- ful horror movies, Karloff felt he could pick and tally dedicated to his craft. choose his roles but again and again he was either His dedication was total. For his role of Dr. a ghoul or a mad doctor. He’d content himself Bolton (which was inspired by the pioneer anes- with the thought that they were period pieces thesiologist Horace Wells who became addicted which many were, such as The Body Snatchers, to chloroform which resulted in insanity), Karloff Bedlam and even Corridors of Blood but they read book after book on addiction. At the age of were all marketed as horror movies. And as for Sixty, for one TV production, he spent two hours that monicker, even back in the 1930’s actors like lying in a New York gutter, during pouring rain so Karloff were objecting to the term “horror mov- that the cameraman could get the shot right and ies,” much preferring the nom de guerre “terror all that without a wet suit under his costume. movies” but the publicity boys were having none He was also generous and uninhibited when of it. Meantime Karloff was stuck with the horror accepting roles. Towards the end of World War II image. Even in non-horror TV shows, such as Maurice Evans wanted to take Arsenic and Old The Rosemary Clooney Show, he was given ex- Lace as a touring production to the troops in the emplary lines like “In the mornings when I look central Pacific and asked Karloff for a photo of in the mirror I frighten myself. Well, how would himself as Jonathan Brewster for reference how- you react to the sight of a razor held against your ever Karloff's response was “If you can stand it, I throat by Boris Karloff?” As if that wasn’t would be pleased to come out and do it myself.” enough, there was an Abbott and Costello movie And he did. entitled Abbott and Costello meet the Killer, Boris In 1960 Alaska had no professional acting Karloff. On the other side of the coin, co- companies but there was the Anchorage Commu- producer Aubrey Schenck blamed the failure of nity College Theatre Workshop with only a cou- Voodoo Island on casting Karloff as the good guy, ple or so paid positions, they were going to put on “He has to be the heavy or it’s wrong.” a three day run of Arsenic and Old Lace someone That was how Karloff was type-cast with came up with the idea of asking Karloff to repeat the public but all those who worked with him his role. It fell to the publicity director, Pat Chris-

8 9 tensen, to phone the actor to ask him to venture don, where he played the revue sketch where no professional actor had ventured before. Arsenic and Old Lace (1941) Dinner for “Mr. Karloff apologized and said he was so busy and literally buried in his work that he would not be able to come.” Christensen repeated her pleas. “There was a silence on Mr. Karloff'’s end of the line...” “He finally said that he did have some free time coming up and maybe he needed a change of scenery.” He not only came, he also donated his pay back to the workshop. And at the age of 78 he was offered his first and only drag role as Mother Muffin in The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. His reply was “When and where???” Donning the costume and make-up he observed “I look like a two dollar whore.” He also used what “clout” he had as a star to get scripts changed. Always insisting there should be some compassion for whatever character he One played and never enter as evil. It’s well known he with Hermione Gingold. An aside here: Dinner talked James Whale out of showing Franken- for One was made famous by Freddy Frinton, a stein's monster drowning the small girl (Whale’s comic actor and Teetotaler who made a career out original scene has been reinstated in some prints of playing drunks. His TV series Meet the Wife of Frankenstein and it totally destroys a key part was briefly mentioned in The Beatles’ Good of the movie) and in his later roles Karloff would Morning. He played the sketch so many times still insist on the bedrock of compassion. That that he eventually bought the rights to it. In 1963 insistence would send scriptwriters hurrying back he performed it on German TV and since then the to their typewriters to totally rewrite early scenes. video of it has become such a tradition with the The Sorcerers originally had Karloff and Cath- Germans and Scandinavians that over the two erine Lacey as a predatory couple, it was Kar- week Christmas/New Years period the recording loff’s demand for a rewrite that led to his charac- can be found on TV and is played on every air- ter being a wanna-be benefactor while Lacey’s flight so that no one misses it. It can also be started as a good wife and devolved further and found on YouTube.com under “Freddie Frinton further into depraved self-indulgence and the film Dinner for One.” Hint, hint. was better for it. The book has some asides of its own, such Although he is his known almost exclusively when taking photographs at a working studio al- as a film actor, Karloff looked upon himself as a ways shout out “Flash!” If you don’t, technicians stage actor. He spent nearly four years playing will be running all over the set trying to find out Jonathan Brewster in Arsenic and Old Lace but which spotlight has gone. And then there are despite owning some of the rights to the play he tales like Virginia Wetherall’s (who portrayed was not allowed temporary leave to make the Dyoni in Dr. Who), She was given a role in Curse movie version. That was the one film role he was of the Crimson Altar and was then told she had a bitter about missing. He played Captain Hook in nude scene which she refused so a body-double the longest running stage version of Peter Pan was called in. Only the body-double was twice and was Bishop Cauchon with a stellar cast in her size, according to Wetherall. From then on Lillian Hellman's butchering of Jean Anouilh’s she did her own nude scenes or “checked out the The Lark, however, he only had a single appear- body first!” And during the filming of The Sor- ance on the British stage (odd because he retained cerers the young director, Michael Reeves, de- his British citizenship throughout his life). That cided if a car explosion in a building site was was during a mega charity performance in Lon-

9 10 good with ten gallons of petrol why not use fifty? full of bird cages and at the bottom of each cage The explosion shattered residential windows is a dead parrot. If that didn’t inspire a certain 1968 Monty Python sketch what did? Started in 1953, in Britain, Colonel March ran to at least 26 episodes and one full length film. It had so many blacklisted Americans working on it that there was a rumor it was financed by the Communist Party of the United States of Amer- ica. Some of the episodes were directed by Cy Endfield who would become famous for directing the movie Zulu eleven years later. Another aside here: Zulu is one of the very best westerns ever made, except the beleaguered Cavalry are 140 Royal Engineers, the Indians were 3,000 Zulus and the guns don’t fire bullets without end. I’'s a dramatization of a true story, a classic of British cinema and worth finding. The specter of communism raises the question of Karloff's own politics. In the age of McCarthy- ism he (being British) was certainly to the left of the American mainstream but there is a telling passage from a letter to one of his brothers, dated 16th of April 1953: “I can't say that I admire (Malcolm) Mug- geridge as he reveals himself to me in Punch. The annoying thing about “reformed” commu- nists is that they assume such an air of superiority and presume to lecture us who never swallowed all around the site. Reeves took off on his mo- the nonsense that they did. Over here (USA) be- torbike and the rest of the crew tried to do the fore the investigating committees, etc., the only same with cars and trucks but loading film equip- man whose word is worth a damn is the ex- ment takes time, time enough for the police to communist. It's fantastic! I'm glad you feel that arrive and the film company to be saddled people at home are waking up to the true facts of with major bills for repairs. what is going on one side of the so-called curtain As well as film and theater, Karloff also kept but I see very little signs of it here.” the money rolling in via TV, radio and story- So the book is guilty of being over- reading records. Jacobss’ recounting of these researched, uneven, a little pedestrian at times could make Karloff appear to be a workaholic but and has a few loose ends but such undefined Jacobss also notes that Karloff would take several shadows are the captives of unchronicled memory months off to attend to gardening, cricket and re- and Jacobs' guilt is simply the guilt of honesty. laxation. There was the exception of recording a Does that still mean it’s not worth the read? short story into a home tape-recorder once a The book has much, much more than can be month (from 1956 to 1968), these recordings covered here but to answer the question there is a were sent to Readers’ Digest who would use them place in Boris Karloff: More Than a Monster as a radio advertisements. where the chapter is sub-titled “1960-1962” and One obscure TV series worth mentioning is the reaction was “Oh No! Only eight more years Colonel March of Scotland Yard, based on one of left!” That reaction is probably because of spend- John Dickson Carr's platoon of detectives. There ing so much time in the company of a true gentle- is one episode that has Colonel March in a room man but it’s also the measure of the book.

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From Walt Wentz I am the very Model… (With Heartfelt Apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan) I am the very model of a modern US demagogue, Both mentally and morally I’m empty as a hollow log, I combine the likes of Limbaugh with the manners of a rabid dog, I am the very model of a modern US demagogue! I cater to the hater who is old and white and scared and fat, Who hates the "Beaners," Blacks and “Chinks" and thinks there’s nothing wrong with that, Conspirationsts, Creationists and -ists of every other stripe, They all follow me blindly, ‘cause they’re suckers for my kind of hype! I am the king of blabbermouths, I Twitter what I damn well please, If I don’t like what others write, I call them public enemies, Slanders, lies and alibis, all false as hell, I like ‘em fine, But Science is all “fake news” ‘cause it cuts into my bottom line! I howl about the “working class” as if I really gave a damn, I won’t release my taxes ‘cause I’m really just a giant scam I stack my Cabinet with fellow plutocrats to serve me, And if you’re that goddam gullible, I think that you deserve me!

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MICHIGAN RAGNARÖK A GOVERNMENT MANUAL REVIEWED AS ALTERNATE FUTURE HISTORY Alfred D. Byrd

stood. Why is everything one step more While I was doing research for my complicated than it has to be? In any series of articles on underground cities, I case, no fallout shelter was ever built found a wealth of material on fallout there. shelters. These reminded me of a book- As I’ve said, reading about fallout shel- let that may’ve contributed as much to ters lo these many years later reminded the themes and tones of my speculative me of childhood hours spent contemplat- fiction as any other book has—a thin ing survival in a radioactive world. I paperback that came in the mail to my wished that the manual that’d beguiled parents’ house in Ferndale, Michigan, these childhood hours hadn’t vanished in sometime after the Cuban Missile Cri- some move or other between the Kennedy Ad- sis, IIRC. Yes, I am old enough vaguely to recall ministration and today. Still, all of us live in a that. A fanciful, impressionable boy who took in world beyond this horizon from the world of others’ dread as President Kennedy went toe to 1963—a world where nothing is lost if it can be toe with the Russkies, I read the book from cover uploaded to the Internet. A Google search and a to cover countless times and yielded myself, a few clicks, and I’m now the proud owner of covert viewer of The Twilight Zone whenever I a .pdf copy of Fallout Protection: What to Know could watch it (my mother feared, maybe rightly, and Do about Nuclear Attack, with an introduc- that it’d warp my mind), to dark fantasies of my tion by Robert McNamara You might say that being the sole survivor of a thermonuclear blast I’ve developed a strange love for this manual… that’d destroyed Detroit. We all have our quirks, It starts dramatically, as an apocalyptic tale as my mother liked to say. As things turned out, should start. “The blast, heat, and fire of a nuclear Detroit got largely destroyed by conventional explosion” kill millions almost at once. There go means, but its destruction is a story for another Tiger Stadium, Belle Isle, and the Detroit Insti- day—and for another writer. tute of Arts, to name my three favorite places as a boy in my place of birth. I know that mentioning In my fantasies, my survival of global ther- the third of those places makes me a nerd, if not a monuclear war occurred in one of the shelters that geek, but the truth is what it is. the book taught me to build — in my case, a shel- In any case, I might stand a chance half a mile ter under the closet in the house’s front hallway. north of Eight Mile Road, where my parent’s That shelter was probably not the worst idea that modest frame house stands across the street from I’ve had, though it says little about my other a Squirt bottling plant and a Kimwipes factory in ideas. Even someone of my limited grasp of real- blue-collar Ferndale. My hope of survival de- ity understood that he/I would do little surviving pends on what kind of warhead the Soviets have if no such shelter actually existed. I begged my sent my way—and where they’ve sent it. The father to build it, and he promised to if I’d get book is graphic on the effects of a five-megaton under the house and dig him a basement in which warhead, an industry standard in the global- he could build it — dig him a basement without destruction field. Owing to how energy disperses damaging the concrete slab on which the house 12 13 in three-dimensional space, bigger bombs aren’t term fallout will have decayed before we come proportionally better bombs. It’s something of a into contact with it. The manual is silent on what comfort to learn that, even if Detroit gets the Tsar we can do about the rest of the radioactivity, Bomb, which has a reported yield of up to fifty likely because we can’t do much. We’ll find out megatons (the actual yield depends on whether the effects of C-14, Sr-90, and Cs-127 as time the Soviets or the Americans do the reporting), its goes by. Those of us who’ve read Methuselah’s radius of destruction won’t be ten times that of a Children know that radiation produces muties… five-megaton warhead. “Hey, dummy!” the manual shouts Still, this isn’t to be sneezed at. at me. “While you’re worrying Its fireball, blast wave, and blast about delayed fallout, the early stuff wind will knock down or incinerate is starting to fall.” everything within a two-mile radius, “You’re right, O Manual. What shall most things within a five-mile ra- I do?” dius, and some things as far out as a “Haven’t you been reading me? You ten-mile radius. What doesn’t get get into a fallout shelter.” knocked down or incinerated within Right again, O Manual. Now, we two miles of ground zero will be bathed in lethal explore theory and practice of what constitutes a levels of initial radiation consisting of gamma fallout shelter. In principle, an umbrella would rays and energetic neutrons. Firestorms are also a keep early fallout from falling onto you, but the distinct possibility. What I’d see rising from De- gamma radiation from decay products in the fall- troit in 1967 didn’t quite turn into one, but was out would go through an umbrella’s silk as if it impressive all the same. I can hardly imagine weren’t there, and then you’d have to worry how much more terrifying a firestorm would’ve about where you fell on the scale of radiation looked from the backyard of my parents’ house in sickness. Being a hypochondriac as a child, I Ferndale. In any case, if the Soviets go after any- worried endlessly about the four stages of radia- thing north of the Edsel Ford, I’m toast—or jelly. tion sickness as the manual described them. Still, ground zero might be the Penobscot Would I die rapidly and horribly or slowly and Building at the heart of downtown, far from horribly? Being the kind of optimist that I am, I where I’m dreaming my life away. (The RenCen suspected that slow and horrible would be my lot. doesn’t exist yet.) If ground zero is the red light It was scant reassurance to hypochondriac me atop the Penobscot Building’s tower, I’m likely to that radiation sickness isn’t contagious, because I survive the explosion, and I’ve got half an hour or was unaccountably alone in my fantasies, as I’ve so before early fallout starts to fall. This is radio- said. “Strange boy?” did you say? Yes, strange activity that gets adsorbed into soil sucked up in enough to write speculative fiction! the fireball, if the Soviets aren’t kind enough to do an airburst, which would incinerate the city, Still, my worry was nothing like the night- but leave little residual radioactivity. Nah, it’s mares that I got when I read in my eighth-grade Detroit; there’ll be fallout. The early form of this English book a true-life story — I think that it comes down as particles ranging in size from ta- was called “The Strange Death of Louis Slotkin” ble salt to sand. Particles smaller than early fall- — of a man who had died of plutonium poisoning out stay in the stratosphere as delayed fallout that after he had had to pull apart by hand the halves may take years to come down. Blithely, the man- of the first atomic bomb’s spherical core. Reading ual states that much of the radioactivity in long- that story was as bad as reading The Call of the

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Wild and White Fang in fifth grade. You’d have decays enough that it won’t cause immediate ra- thought that I’d be better prepared for George R. diation sickness in them— R. Martin… Yes, and what are those persons in business But to our tale. If I’m lucky when the action suits doing while the early fallout decays? What goes down, I’m near somewhere where I can put did electromagnetic pulse do to the power grid? a lot of concrete between fallout Are there enough transformers on and me, as concrete is good at hand to replace the ones that blew blocking gamma rays. If Bruce out in the attack? Has the bomb’s Banner had put enough concrete shock wave ruptured water between him and those gamma mains? Do the toilets in their rays, he’d have avoided his later shelter still work? Is there enough mood swings. If you can’t get toilet paper on hand? What about concrete, you can substitute one supplies? Are the vending ma- and a half inches of soil or sand for each inch of chines fully stocked, or, like the concrete, but pre-poured concrete is better than vending machine in the building where I work, hastily dug soil or sand any day, especially if I’m are they nearly empty most of the time? How do the one doing the digging. those persons in business suits pass their time? In Perhaps, I can get into a well-stocked under- the book version of The Mouse That Roared, per- ground bunker specially made as a fallout shelter. sons in the subways of New York City sang The manual is quite specific—and potentially “Mairzy Doats” during a nuclear-war drill (those quite helpful—in its suggestions of what kind of of us out here in Flyover Country know that New food, water, tools, and medical supplies a fallout Yorkers are strange), but it doesn’t take much of shelter should hold. I think that the manual is the that song to be enough for me. An elderly relative genesis of later survival manuals that I’ve read — of mine enlightened me with knowledge that the for research for speculative fiction, of course. I’m opening lines of that song really read, “Mares eat about as much of a survivalist as Woody Allen is oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy—” Charles Atlas. The manual suggests that, while Oops, did I just digress? In any case, I may fallout shelters are waiting for the big day, they just be borrowing trouble. Perhaps, the best-case can be used as community centers, perhaps places scenario has happened, and I’m sitting in comfort where teenagers can shoot pool and dance after in my private shelter and reading books just like school. Perhaps, shooting pool and dancing can Burgess Meredith in the saddest episode of televi- fill the long hours for my fellow refugees and me sion ever filmed—No, wait! Dad never built that as we wait for the all clear to emerge into—We’ll shelter because I never dug the basement for it. get to what we’ll emerge into. Just now, let’s Why is life always one step more complicated move on to other types of fallout shelter. As long than it has to be? as you can put enough concrete or other gamma- Luckily for me, the manual describes impro- ray-blocking material between you and the fall- vised shelters that I can build (why are all who out, you don’t need a ready-made shelter. You know me snickering at “I can build”?) in the half can stay in the basement or in the inner rooms of an hour before the sky falls. One improvised shel- a high-rise building. The manual shows persons ter that particularly fascinates me is parking one’s in what look to me like business suits standing car over a culvert. As I recall Michigan, it held patiently in such places while the early fallout potholes that could work in this role. In any case, if you park your standard sedan over a culvert

14 15 and stay under your car, it’ll block 80% of the them? Back in the Sixties, human beings read radiation from fallout. I suspect that this type of things called “books”— no, I’m not making those improvised shelter would’ve worked better back up! Didn’t I mention Burgess Meredith? Between in the Sixties than it’d work now. If you recall us Baby Boomers and our successors, who do those Sixties’ sedans, you’d you think would have the pa- swear that they rolled off of tience to sit around and listen on the assembly line at the tank a hand-cranked radio for the all works on Van Dyke north of clear? Centerline. I doubt that today’s Did I get distracted again? In sedans could block even half any case, we’re about to emerge of the radiation that a 1963 into whatever is outside our fall- Chevy Impala could’ve out shelters after the Morning of blocked. That car was a fallout the Mighty Mushrooms. Per- shelter on wheels! haps, thinking of what’s outside Of course, in dealing with is what made me digress. Even radiation, the $64,000 question the manual’s writers, who are is “80% of how much?” Eighty blandly optimistic in the way of per cent of a little may be next which H. P. Lovecraft spoke in to nothing; 20% of a lot will the classic opening paragraph of put you into a statistical cate- “The Call of Cthulhu,” admit gory with Louis Slotkin. All that the post-war environment depends on where upper-level will be challenging. There’ll be winds blow the early fallout. a lot of clean-up and rebuilding Too, you must ask yourself, before we get back to our regu- “What am I going to do while I hunker under my larly scheduled consumer society. Who’ll decide Impala?” Have you brought along enough food who gets put on burial details or carries out the and water to reach the all clear? What’ll you do suggested removal of the contaminated level of when peristalsis and company have reached their topsoil so that we can plant crops from uncon- end stage with that food and water? Have you taminated seed in whatever soil is left? The man- noticed how seldom novels from the Sixties dealt ual concedes that food supplies may be so short with the previous question? It seems to me that that we’ll have to drink radioactive milk. Still, neither possible answer to it is particularly good. vigorous outdoor work will fill you with the glow Let’s suppose, arguendo, that I made it into a of health— suitable shelter and survived there. Now, we The manual paints a picture of an orderly post come to what we’ll emerge into -war society in which surviving civil authorities o. The book suggests that we start coming out lead a determined society into a hopeful future. of our shelters briefly after about two weeks and Did I mention “blandly optimistic”? The man- spend ever longer outdoors as early fallout de- ual’s writers do have facts to support their opti- cays. What do you want to bet that my neighbors mism: humans have astoundingly avoided using jump the gun? How long do you think that those nuclear weapons ever since the first of these fell Gen X’er’s and their successors can stay in a con- onto Hiroshima and Nagasaki; cities and civiliza- fined space without their cell phones, Internet, tions have rebounded after conventional warfare and Gameboys, or whatever it is that’s replaced nearly as devastating as thermonuclear warfare

15 16 would be. Still, New Wave writers who began to pen their dangerous visions around when the manual came out had a darker view of humanity. I guess that the question of whether order or chaos will prevail comes down to whether a spe- cies that was disorderly enough to fight a global thermonuclear war is orderly enough to rebuild an advanced civilization after it.

“Time will tell,” the Doctor says. “It always does.” (Acknowledgement to Sylvester McCoy.) A perplexed Buck Coulson Sadly for the manual’s optimism, its writers couldn’t deal with a feature of nuclear war of which they didn’t know at the time—nuclear win- ter. Thanks to advanced technology, we humans need no longer depend on the Norse gods to sup- ply us with Fimbulvetr. If that strikes, we might not see daybreak again until 2250 A. D. We wouldn’t be spending much time on the beach, would we? At least, you wouldn’t have to read more of Our surprise. A 25th Wedding anniversary cake. my apocalyptic puns. Every mushroom cloud has My confounded memory tells me Sheryl Birkhead was re- a silver lining. sponsible. But there may have been others involved. 26 years later, it’s difficult to be certain. Still, I may just be borrowing trouble. No trump of doom has sounded; no one has put in a call for missiles to fly. We can evermore rest in confidence that global thermonuclear war is alternate history. If you don’t share that confidence, you can always Google Fallout Protection: What to Know and Do about Nuclear Attack and download your own copy of it. The life that it saves may be your own. You know that, if Slim Pickens rides that bronco until it bursts, we’ll meet again some sunny day. Joe and Gay Haldeman. I’m pretty sure they weren’t at the [Editor here. Straight out of Dr. Strangelove same con as the one above. I just thought I’d include their by way of Vera Lynn. A British song, music and pictures . I never had the lyrics by Ross Parker and Hughie Charles. Thank nerve to go up to him even for a moment. I’m you, Google. As usual.] still not sure why. 

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The Crotchety Critic Queen of the Dark Things and Ninefox Gambit

While I was browsing through my last col- the child is an invalid, cared for by a grieving (and umn, admiring my own prose, as I always do drunken) father after some horrific injury which left (Hey, writers go into writing, because they love her bed-ridden and hideously disfigured. to do it) and kicking myself for all the typos, it oc- But this is Australia, a land of dream walkers and curred to me that Ada Palmer's Seven Surrenders was aboriginal spirits. However tragic her real world cir- not the only sequel that I let myself be seduced cumstances, within the dream stuff the “pretty little into trying, only to be disappointed. girl in purple pajamas” is a formidable power, with You may recall—please pretend you do, even if you multiple spirits at her command. In fact, she has don’t, if only to spare my feelings—that not quite a grown great enough to be a danger to the physical year ago (in Issue 113, October, 2016) I reviewed C. world. Mind you, she doesn’t mean the real world ill. Robert Cargil’s Dreams and Shadows (Harper Voy- She just wants to separate herself from it. Utterly. ager 2013). I dare to hope it caught your atten- Short of dying—which is not what she has in mind— tion, because, atypically, I enjoyed the book and that’s not as simple as you might imagine. said so at length. It’s about two boys who go on a Also in Australia, we find Colby, the boy wizard of magical adventure together. One of them had been Dreams and Shadows. His djinn, having granted kidnapped by fairies and replaced by a changeling. his wish “to see all the invisible things” has brought The other had received three wishes from a djinn. him there for training in how to manage the powers It was a complex and engrossing tale, taking place which that special vision gives him. The djinn is hop- in two parts, ten years apart. The characterizations ing his old friend, an aboriginal shaman, can guide were strong, the story solid and the imagery intense Colby into interacting with the deeply rooted spirits of and evocative. I especially liked the clever and the natural order, not usually accessible in the urban thought-provoking deconstruction of fairy tales. Fairy world in which Colby has grown up, Even in the dark- Land, in particular, was presented as a dark and dan- ness of Fairy Land, most of the spirits did not have the gerous place (which is probably closer to the original depth, the antiquity, as do the entities of the Austra- myth than anything in modern fantasy, modern en- lian desert. The most notable spirit in Texas is the per- compassing anything in the last two centuries.) It was sonified Austin: a funny, dangerous, good-looking located just outside Austin, TX, and was full of mon- cowgirl. She, of course, has her own issues. sters, both subtle and gross. When I say I was disappointed in this sequel, I did I said then that although I don't normally care for not mean it was dreadful, only that it didn’t really live sequels, I would make a point of looking up the sequel, up to the previous novel. There’s a lot of entertaining Queen of the Dark Things, (Harper Voyager, Harper material here, but it never coalesces into a high level Collins Publishers, 2013). of meaning. Dreams and Shadows tugged the heart And so I did. Queen of the Dark Things is set in strings. Queen of the Dark Things does not. Australia, and takes place during the ten year Part of the lack derives from its position between void which separates the two parts of Dreams and parts one and two in the first book. In that, Colby went Shadows. As in Dreams and Shadows, the primary through real emotional changes. Here, he has already protagonist is a child, a “pretty little girl in purple gone through most of his shaping before the book pajamas,” as she is called. However, in physical fact, starts, and will not experience any more significant

17 18 growth until after this book is over. So he remains book, because in the first chapter they “found the static, merely solving a serious problem rather than world confusing, the action gruesome, and the pace maturing. difficult to keep up with.” That's all true. The world IS Also, although on a lesser level, the myth of the confusing, the action IS gruesome, and the pace IS dream walker did not have the emotional resonance difficult to keep up with. And none of that goes away for me as did that of the changeling. I’ve heard of after chapter two. All of it is integral to the story as a spirit walkers, of course. They’re a very primal con- whole. And yet the Tor reviewer did keep reading. And cept, and appear in many mythologies. But not the so did I. On some subliminal level it is visible that all Judaeo-Christian ones. I haven’t merely heard of of that gore and confusion matters. changelings. I believed in them when I was four. I also read the NPR review, but found it boring, a lengthy, lyrical reiteration of what I just said. (Maybe Enough said about sequels. Let’s look for some- it sounded better read aloud?) The only helpful com- thing that stands on its own. Ninefox Gambit by ment they added was, “In Ninefox, Lee is playing Yoon Ha Lee is not only not a sequel, it’s like with the idea of consensus reality—of a techno- nothing else you’ve ever read. And yet, I find it will political system that relies on rigid belief in order to have sequels. It’s Book One of Machineries of Empire. function. Which, more specifically, requires near- And it’s sufficiently exotic that I may be tempted to religious (actually super-religious) adherence to a break my vow (already!) and read Book Two. calendar: A numerical system which can be manipu- In an attempt to figure out how I could possibly lated to alter reality.” describe this remarkable book to you, I read a bunch That paragraph, anyway, is dead on. What makes of other reviews. The Amazon blurb tells us, “To win the story so confusing—and so compelling—is that it an impossible war Captain Kel Cheris must awaken an doesn’t just take place on another world, or even in an ancient weapon and a despised traitor general.” They alternate reality. It takes place in an alternate truth. follow up with a few details: Captain Cheris is in dis- It is difficult for readers to get their heads around grace, but is being given a chance to redeem herself, the way that facts—the hard science mechanics of by retaking a fortress lost to heretics. To do it, she how the characters build their starships and their needs to ally herself with an undead general who weapons—collapse, simply because a malcontent sets never lost a battle. Only problem is—even during his up a different calendar. (Some reviewers pretend that lifetime he was a traitor and a lunatic. the calendar is just a symbol, representing the consen- Isn’t Amazon wonderful? They tell you the whole sus-reality in play, but it is used very literally—even basic plot, and manage to make it sound like a paint- on occasion comically—by the heretics.) In this place by-numbers military drama. The closest they get to where actual reality can be altered by dissident telling you anything truthful about this book is the thought, merely counting the days and the hours dif- use of the word “heretics,” which suggests a religious ferently is an act of heresy and of treason, far more conflict. (Religious conflict does not begin to describe dangerous than mere corruption. Every social cluster it.) Not even the term “undead” serves as a clue, is organized into a rigid, thought-controlled, military rather more of a red herring. It makes you think of hierarchy. Even so, it is hard to police thought com- vampires, or some such standard trope. Suffice it to pletely, especially if you still need your soldiers to re- say, Tactician Shuos Jedao is NOT a vampire. Or a tain competency. Heresies are frequent, and the wars zombie. Much of the book revolves around the ques- to stamp them out unending. tion of what he is. The characters, of course, take it all for granted. The Tor review was amusing. It admitted right up Generals and tacticians scour the calculi of new here- front that they didn't think they would read the whole sies, searching to find which of their weapons will

18 19 continue to function (some machines are multi- has volunteered to be the next experiment. Because calendrical), which can be redesigned to resume func- she had no idea what she was asking for. tioning, and what new horrors the change of numbers What she got was the ever-present voice in her will generate. And the transcendent religion from head of ghost that no one else could see or hear, and which all truths and all heresies derive is mathemat- whom she couldn’t trust. Her superiors gave her a ics. special weapon to use on herself if Jedao started try- Captain Kel (Kel is not a name but a department/ ing to take her over (like she’d know!) or tried to push rank designation) Cheris, as noted in the Amazon her into treachery. (Apparently the ordinary personal blurb, is in disgrace. She won a battle, which is always corruption kind of treachery. No one seemed to worry good, but her superiors did not like her tactics. Please that, with her math skills she was an excellent candi- o not suppose it was the horrific carnage that troubled date for heresy based treachery.) Jedao spoke to her them. But her technique, the mental path that led her pleasantly, even affectionately, and he always to the victory, was suspect, dangerously bordering on sounded sane, but then, he would, wouldn’t he? heresy. Still, again, she won. And she has brilliant Much of the book is a back and forth between math skills, which are always valuable. So they gave flashbacks of the past—Cheris’ past or Jedao’s—and her another chance—she gets to play a board game the battles they undergo to recover the lost fortress, with the generals. Where she does well enough to be although there’s a thorough sprinkling of communica- entered into a higher-level contest—she is invited to tions between the heretics, who sound unnervingly design a plan to recover a fortress lost to heretics. similar to Cheris’ superiors. It’s just like a military SF Her plan is not a plan. She suggests that the long novel in many ways. Except military SF usually de- “dead” general/tactician Shuos Jedao be resurrected, scribe the technical aspects of the weaponry in loving so that he can recover the lost fortress. After all, he’s detail, and defines the characters in terms of their never lost a battle, not while he was alive and not rankings in the hierarchy, and how comfortably they since he’s been dead. do or don't fit into that hierarchy. In NineFox Gambit Hundreds of years in the past, a technology to the weaponry is incomprehensible, and so—in all become immortal was discovered. Three men tried it. honesty—are the hierarchies of rank. I like to think of (This is beginning to sound like an odd tale from the it—if you’ll permit me my little joke— as feminist mili- Talmud about three men who set out to prove the ex- tary SF with its emphasis on the voices in the protago- istence of God.) One of the three died in the process. nist’s head. One was made effectively immortal, and is, in fact, an All in all, I hugely recommend this book, although active character in the novel. And the third was Shuos I warn you it is NOT an easy read. The temptation to Jedao, who—they say—went mad from the process. walk away will be strong in the beginning; nor does it Mad or not, he slaughtered two entire armies before get much easier even after the reader is committed. his colleagues brought him down. But, hey, who said great books had to be easy? But they didn’t execute him. They wanted to know what made him tick, how he managed to win every battle. No amount of questioning worked, so they stuck him in a no-place that I can only say seems reminiscent of Superman’s Phantom Zone. Every now and then the Powers-That-Be trot out his ghost and implant it in a living soldier to see if he can still pull off victory, even when disembodied. He can, although it doesn’t always go well for the host. And now Cheris

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31 32 Exodus, as Channeled From the Late Spike Milligan

When the Hebrews abode in Egypt, Moses was become an Old Man; Verily, he was four- score and eight, and was Past It, and his Wife did make moan therefore. And on a day when Moses abode in his House, The Lord did speak unto him, saying, “Moses.” And Moses did make reply, “Is that thou, Ike? Stop playing Silly Buggers on the Roof, thou knowest it leaks.” And the Lord spake again, saying, “Moses, This is the Lord thy God.” Then did Moses fall upon his Face in the Dust – for verily, his Balance was shot also. An after a Time the Lord spake again, saying, “Stop that infernal groveling.” And Moses did make reply, “Um nod groffling, Lord, Um trying to find my feef.” And the Lord spake again, saying, “Moses, arise and go.” And Moses did make complaint, “What, arise and go again, Lord? I’ve had to arise and go ten times last night, not even Serutan will help.” And the Lord did command, “Moses, thou must go and lead the Hebrews out of Egypt.” And Moses did protest, “What, and break the Lease? They haven’t fixed the roof yet.” And the Lord spake again, saying, “Know that I have sent six great Plagues against Egypt.” “Yes, I know, Lord,” Moses did reply, “and the Locusts were delicious, but those bloody Mice got into everything, including the brown rice, and we couldn’t tell the brown rice from the – ” “This Plague shall surpass all others,” saith the Lord, “for I shall send the Angel of Death unto every house, that the firstborn of every family shall die.” “Um, isn’t that a bit harsh, Lord?” Moses did make reply. “I know my Ike is a silly bug- ger, but then he’s only seventy, and in a few more years he’ll be ready to take over the business… but the Goldbergs only have the one, thou know, and even if he is a right bastard, still…” “Cease thy inane brabbling, Moses, and harken unto me,” saith the Lord. And Moses did harken unto the Lord, even as one harkeneth unto the dulcet tones of Wal- lace Greenslade on the BBC. And the Lord saith, “I shall tell thee a way that the Angel of Death shall pass over the houses of the Hebrews, that only the firstborn of the Egyptians shall die.” “Sod them, the bastards,” Moses saith cheerfully. “They never have fixed the roof.” “Thou shalt gather branches of Hyssop,” saith the Lord. “What’s that thou saith, Lord?” asketh Moses, with his hand to his ear. “Bunches of what?”

32 33 “Hyssop! Hyssop!” shouteth the Lord. “Gesundheit,” saith Moses. “That wasn’t a sneeze, thou old Fool, that was a Plant!” belloweth the Lord. “Ha? Ha?” Moses saith hopefully, awaiting the Punch Line. “Instruct me, O Lord.” From Heaven cometh a Sound like unto a great Sigh, and then the Lord spake again: “Hyssop is an aromatic, semi-evergreen, woody-based, shrubby perennial –” “Slow down, Lord, slow down, let me get this,” saith Moses. “‘..an aro-matic, semi-evergreen, woody-based, shrub-by per-innial…’” “..That groweth in an erect bushy clump …” the Lord continueth. “E-rect, bush-ee clump,” repeateth Moses slowly. “…And featureth narrow, stalkless, toothed, aromatic, shiny dark green leaves…” grow- leth the Lord. “..Nar-row, stalk-less, tooth-ed, aro-matic…” droneth Moses. “Slower, Lord, pray!” “… Fragrant, two-lipped, tubular, purple-blue flowers with protruding stamens bloom in whorls on long dense terminal spikes…” snarleth the Lord. “…Fra-grant, two-lipped, tub-ular… It’s no good Lord, I’ll have to go get a pencil and paper,” saith Moses. From on high cometh a Sound like unto the Gnashing of Teeth, but when the lord spaketh again, it is in a voice sweeter than Honey from the Comb, as one addresseth an Idiot child, but with just a trace of a quiver: “Who’s a good widdle prophet, then? Mosey-Wosey, tell thou what I’m gonna do. I’ll show thou the bloody hyssop! Just walk over to the door … good, good… look outside, to the left…. no, the other left… see the third weed along the wall? Yes, yes, I knew thou could find it! Now, I want thou to put thy widdle hand around it … that’s right… Now, I want thou to pull it up by the roots… That’s right! Now, hold it up…. have thou got it in thy widdle hand good and tight? Now, I want thou to… BEAT THYSELF SENSELESS WITH IT!!” screameth the Lord… then addeth hastily, “No, no, ignore that last bit, about beating thyself senseless…” “Are thou sure about that, Lord?” asketh Moses. “This hyssop is a flimsy thing, but I’ve got a dirty great cudgel we keep for shoplifters…” “No, no,” sigheth the Lord, “Too late now, in any case. Harken: I want every Hebrew to pick a branch of hyssop, sprinkle it with the blood of a kid…” “A kid?” Moses saith uneasily. “Which kid? Whose kid?” “What?” saith the Lord. “Any kid! Everybody’s kid!” “Mmnk, dear, dear, that makes us no odds with what happens to the Egyptians!” saith Moses. “And as I say, the Goldbergs only have the one, even if he is a right bastard –” From on high cometh the sound as of a mighty Groan, and then the Lord saith, very

33 34 slowly and tensely, “By ‘kid,’ I referreth to the immature offspring of the domestic goat, not the mewling brats of semi-literate goatherders!” “Ah. Right thou are then, Lord,” saith Moses. “Kid, thou saith? Mmnk, that’s bit awk- ward, there’s a thing…” “WHAT IS IT NOW??!” belloweth the Lord. “Well, Mmnk, thou see, Lord, kid is very dear this season of year. Could thou do with a nice bit of chicken instead? Fleishmann’s has a sale on…” “KID’S BLOOD! BLOOD! I MUST HAVE BLOOD!” howleth the Lord. “Um, are thou feeling quite all right, Lord?” Moses asketh. “Could thou do with a bit of a lie-down, perhaps?” “WHY SHOULD THE LORD THY GOD WANT A BIT OF A LIE-DOWN?” screecheth the Lord. “DOST THOU THINK THAT THE LORD THY GOD FEELETH IN NEED OF A LIE-DOWN?” “Oh, no, no no, Lord,” Moses saith hastily. “It was just now thou soundedeth just a little bit, just a tiny bit mind thou, like old Amos Draculberg, who went off shouting about ‘must have blood’ and that, until we had to lock him in a dark room, but he got out some- how, and he’ll come to a bad end someday, I expect…” “HOLD THY TONGUE!” roareth the Lord. “‘ike ith, ‘ord?” asketh Moses, holding it with both hands. “Yes, yes, that’s good,” saith the Lord. “Just do that. Now –” and there came a Sigh like unto a great wind – “Let every Hebrew sprinkle his branch of hyssop with a kid’s blood, and smite with it on the wall over the door of his house, to leave a mark in blood that the Angel of Death may see it, and pass over that house –” “Uth, ere’sh a ‘ing, ‘ord,” saith Moses. “Yes, what is it?” saith the Lord. “–Thou can let go now.” “Well, Lord, the fact is, my wife has a sort of a thing about blood, makes her all over queasy when she sees it…” Then was the Lord silent, and finally spake in a still, small, weary voice: “All right then, just use red paint, dried mud, camel dung, anything! Just make any kind of mark, that the Angel of Death may pass over thy house…” “Ta, Lord,” saith Moses. “And by the by, when he passeth over my house, could thou have him take a bit of a look to see where that leak is coming from?”

…oOo…

34 35 Letters

Denny E. Marshall the cornhuskers and there is a lot of Lincoln, Nebraska 68521 corn here. I like the cover and would 8/16/2017 like to say “great job” to Brad Foster. Well time to feed the pigs. (Just kid- Dear Tom, ding) Think I will work on a sci-fi drawing. Hope that doesn’t offend Being from Nebraska could help anybody in Tobacco Town, Kentucky. but disagree with the below comment on page 5 and 6 of issue #118. “If you Best Wishes, can’t give him character and interest as a human Denny being, you are licked. And TV can’t. It hasn’t the (Nebraska science fiction artist) time or the talent and it is too much afraid of of- fending some jerk in Corn Center, Nebraska.” Not sure where Corn Center is, maybe it’s by [[You would have to speculate about what Raymond Chan- dler’s opinion of current TV programs and entertainment the unicorn. By the way most TV is not free ex- would be. Chandler was born July 2 1888 and died March cept antenna. I don’t pay for TV anymore since 26 1959. Possibly he would complain even more violent.// it’s the same no matter how many channels you Receiving free TV around here in the country wouldn’t have. I bought an $80 antenna that has a 60-70 easy where my wife live here in the country. The closest mile radius it didn’t work well. I friend gave me a big city is Frankfort around 20 miles or so and might have a TV station or two but I’m not sure of that. I’ll have to check homemade antenna. He got the design from it out. Then there are Louisville, Lexington Kentucky and Popular Mechanics. It is mostly wood and copper Cincinnati Ohio. I think they’re farther than the 60 or 70 and doesn’t look like much, but works much bet- miles you mentioned. Besides that we live in a shallow val- ter than the $80 dollar store antenna. I think cop- ley of sorts. We’d need to have a really tall TV antenna to per is the secret to good TV reception. One show receive any TV transmissions. Our only alternative is satellite TV and Internet satellite. So we’re stuck until this part I did like was the new Cosmos, but I knew it of Kentucky fully enters the 21st Century for the entire wouldn’t last long because I liked it. state.// It’s too easy to stereotype groups of people by other Maybe Chandler should buy a stereo system people. That’s one of us humans’ shortcomings. Some Ken- and some 33 1/3 records. When I was younger tuckians might be offended. But a state known for 3 vices— this is what I did instead of watching TV. It more smoking (tobacco), drinking (alcoholic beverages i.e. whis- key), and gambling (the Kentucky Derby and probably auto fun, its social, and you can also change it. The I- racing. I’m guessing there might be betting on outcomes.]] tunes and such don’t come close to the experience of a good stereo with klipsch speakers. He may From: Fred Moe want also consider a musical instrument just for Hello Thomas! fun. I have never worn overalls and a straw hat by Thanks for sending TRF # 118. I will en- the way. Think stereotypes are best left to sound deavor to cook up an article for you on some systems. I’m sure many Nebraskans would like topic or other. Can’t make any guarantees. I the cover of #118. Since all the sports teams are wrote what I considered to be a great article on

35 36 three songs related to the old Man of the Moun- able to communicate with the souls of the dead. tain, and have not been able to retrieve it from the What happens next? Missy and the Cybermen cyber void. show up and the souls of the dead are forgotten. Take heart—I completely concur with your At the end of this last season, they appeared to be views on Doctor Who & Moffat. His era on the having some interesting plot developments. What show has been dismal at best—downhill all the could the script writers do to stop this? Cyber- way, with missed opportunities, no risk taking, men!!! Pfui!!!! If I was the sort of person to and recycling old worn out ideas. I am also not throw things at a television, I would have done it pleased with the choice of the forthcoming Doc- at that point. tor—though I would have welcomed Catherine I think the people who are producing the Tate as the Doctor/Donna a few years ago. Re- show are trying to kill it. First they make the gardless I’, a sucker for the original series so will Doctor an old white guy. Everybody knows that be watching David Bradley in the Christmas Spe- young people hate old white guys. Then they give cial portraying the first Doctor. the old white guy some of the worst scripts they Peace - Fred could manage. Despite all this, people kept watching the show. What to do? Let’s make the [[Here’s hoping maybe you’ll cook up an article for the next issue of TRF. The article you lost in the vast cyber Doctor a woman. That should shake off enough world sounds interesting to me. I know how you felt about of the habitual viewers so we can cancel the losing your article. I’ve had the same sort of thing occur a show. time or two. Maybe a miracle will return the article to you. Before the announcement of the actress who If there are such things as miracles.// it’s a relief to learn is going to be the new Doctor, there was a lot of I’m not alone in my disgust with the current Dr. Who episodes. But, like you, I’ll give the new series a trial. No discussion of possible candidates. I think Ellen guarantees on how long. I’m likely to watch that Christmas DeGeneres would have been a good choice, but special also. If I’m disappointed I’ll save up my pennies they probably couldn’t afford her. Frances (metaphorically speaking) and purchase DVDs of earlier McDormand would have been another good Dr. Who series.]] choice on the strength of “Miss Pettigrew Lives A

Day.” Her style of comedy would have gone From: Milt Stevens quite well with Doctor Who. Neither of these ac- tresses could be considered because they are August 20, 2017 Americans. You can make the Doctor a woman, but you can’t give her an American accent. Dear Tom, Gimme a break. You begin Reluctant Famulus #118 with a I feel somewhat vindicated after reading rant on Doctor Who. I feel like ranting about the Michaele Jordan’s comments on the two novels show also. At one point, I stopped watching the by Ada Palmer. I read the blurb on Too Like the show for several years because I was utterly tired Lightning and decided not to read it because it of the endless revivals of the Daleks and the Cy- didn’t sound interesting. In previous years, I’ve bermen. The show has only managed to have in- read all the Hugo nominated novels simply be- teresting ideas on rare occasions, and those ideas cause they were Hugo nominated novels. This were always killed by the Daleks and the Cyber- year, I only read three of five nominees. I’m feel- men. I think the season before last was the worst ing less and less affinity with the people who vote season the show has ever had. As bad as it was, I for the Hugos and less and less obligation to con- started getting interested when they started being sider all of their nominees.

36 37 In the letter column, Robert Ken- By the way, Magnus Robot nedy comments that he has given up Fighter 4000 A.D. was a comic on Asimov’s and Analog. I did that in book not a pulp. Gold Key 20012. I hated to do it, since I’d been comics stood out at the time reading Astounding/Analog since I (Early '60s) because of their was in high school. Unfortunately, wash covers. times change. In Victorian times Spontaneous Yours truly, Combustion was thought to be just a Milt Stevens matter of fact, an unexplained fact 6325 Keystone St. but a matter of fact. Charles Dickens Simi Valley, CA 93063 even bumped off one of his villains with Go right ahead and rant. I’m on your side along with many it. But Spontaneous Combustion was others. Agreed. The Daleks and Cyber men did become solved decades ago. What happens is tedious. As I think I wrote those two threats had come to be obligatory in Dr. Who episodes. I know how tempting it is a fire starts, the heat expands the to throw something at the television the way Dr. Who was doors and windows enough to seal becoming. It does seem as if the current producers— the room. The lack of oxygen extin- including Steven Moffat—were trying to kill off Dr. Who. guishes the fire but traps the intense Like so many others in the so-called entertainment industry. heat in the room, any person in the They come in with the misguided and arrogant attitude that they can improve the series. Instead, they and others in the room then becomes an "inside-out movie industry actually are only making something like candle", the clothing acting like a DR. Who different, which isn’t the same thing and not a bit wick and the body like candle-wax. better. They can’t leave well enough along. No, they piss on The heat slowly dissipates so when it until it smells just right to them. (Sorry about that gutter the room is opened it appears the body comment.) The following might get me into hot water. Ahh . . . Political correctness. Making the Dr. a woman— spontaneously combusted. that’ll fix everything better. No. Only different and, as you And rather than just whole heat- observed, result in the loss of viewers. Ellen DeGeneres edly agree with Michaele that Martha and Frances Mc. Dormand . . . Those are interesting sug- Wells will regret calling her book se- gestions.]] ries The Murderbot Diaries, here is a true tale to underline that. In 1986, a Dave Rowe movie was released called Killbot. 8288 W Shelby State Road 44 The plot line involved a group of FRANKLIN IN46131-9211 teens trapped in a shopping mall over- 2017-September-1 night being hunted by a murderously malfunctioning security robot. You Dear Tom, won't have heard of it, unless you are an extreme B-movie fanatic because Re: TRF 118 it only had a limited release and was Beautiful cover by Brad. Won- a total flop, it just wasn't selling. At derfully simple pun but how one of the showings the director (Jim many others would have thought of Wynorski) was in the projection room it or drawn it so well. No many, if and the projectionist commented any. "You should have called it Chopping Mall." Now, the robot was extremely

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ingenious, killing off a fair number about having lost touch with the show after Chris- of victims, each in a different way, topher Eccleston’s farewell. I, too, was a fan of but if memory serves correctly not pre-Eccleston series. I liked best the Gothic epi- one was chopped. Never the less sodes in Tom Baker's day— “Genesis of the Wynorski renamed Killbot as Chop- Daleks,” “Pyramids of Mars,” “The Brain of ping Mall and then it became a minor Morbius,” and “Image of the Fendahl.” The last- hit. named episode was the first that I watched, as it [[Brad comes up with some really strange covers that elicit was the first episode on a set of videotapes that chuckles or laughs. Heck, all the fan artists who kindly sup- Helen E. Davis lent me after I’d said to her at a ply me with covers are treasures and kind to a rather ob- costume call at a con, “What’s a Dalek?” Fortu- scure fan and fanzine publisher. Regarding what you wrote about Magnus Robot Fighter . . . Why was it included in a nately for my survival in fandom at the time, I site that is a repository for SF and Pulp magazines? Well it asked the question of her in a low voice over- was an interesting cover anyway.// Sooner or later someone heard by no other. I also greatly enjoyed the was bound to come up with a rational scientific explanation Douglas Adams episodes: “Pirate Planet” and for the alleged episodes of spontaneous combustion. But “City of Death.” Like many others, I, too, mourn then, considering that during the Victorian era people believed in all sorts of supernatural occurrences. Spiritism, “Shada.” contacting the dead, fairies, pixies and so on.// I’m not a Your readers can sigh with relief now that Grade B movie follower. What little I’ve seen of them they they’ve seen the last of Civil War Kentuckiana, at seem ridiculous and not at all worth watching all the way least for a while. Still, Kentuckiana itself may through. Too many people will watch anything regardless show up from time to time. Things stranger than of its quality or lack thereof. Then too, everyone has an opinion as to what’s good and what isn’t, which causes a lot speculative fiction have taken place in the Blue- of disagreements, some of which can be virulent. It’s sort of grass State... like getting involved in talking about politics. Which we’re Thanks to Eric Barraclough for the article on better off leaving alone.]] citizen scientists. It's rare for an article of hope to appear these days. I may join the C. S.’s ranks From Al Byrd 9/5/2017 when I finish my career at the University of Ken- Dear Tom, tucky. I happen to know that one of your readers acted as a citizen scientist during the recent Let me start this loc with a disclaimer about eclipse. I hope that she tells her story for you. my article in the current ish. When I wrote this article’s first draft back in June, the article’s sub- Meanwhile, I’ll tell mine. I watched the ject matter seemed to me remote and hypotheti- eclipse, which reached 94.8% of totality here in cal, suitable for the ironic tone with which I Lexington KY, in the courtyard between the Plant treated it. As I start this loc, the governments of Sciences Building, where I work, and the Guam and Hawaii have just published much of Barnhardt Building on the campus of the Univer- this subject matter in anticipation that the sum of sity of Kentucky in the company of grad students, all fears will come true. Who knows how matters post docs, and staff workers who were like me will stand when TRF #119 comes out? I hope that playing hooky from work. Having seen a similar the current crisis will have receded, making the eclipse here back in 1995, I was able to show my article’s ironic tone again appropriate. co-creatures how to make a pinhole camera, how to look for images of the sun cast by edges of Thank you for TRF #118. The zine’s new em- leaves on trees, and how to use your hands as pin- phasis on fandom seems to me to be working out hole cameras. In return for my expertise, I got to well for it. Thank you for the update on the cur- borrow eclipse glasses. Who says that the barter rent state of Doctor Who. Now, I don’t feel bad 38 39 system is dead? It was partly cloudy here, but the memories of those earlier Dr. Whos. Shame on sun was out most of the time, including you for not knowing what a Dalek was. at the eclipse's maximum, so this A lot of people don’t know what they eclipse was a success in these parts. are.// Did you notice what Al wrote, Will I still be around when the sky goes Helen? How about it? Will you provide dark in 2026? us with your eclipse watching experi- As I'm starting to run long, let me ence? Pretty please.// My wife and I thank Michaele Jordan and Gayle Perry watched it at home on TV.// Regarding for their ever-interesting columns and the autograph encounter . . . “Newt close with a recollection brought on by your pic- Nuggets” That seems familiar but I can’t recall ture of a Lois McMaster Bujold signature. At one why.]] of the first cons that I attended, she was the GOH and was mobbed at the table for book signings. The Reluctant Famulus 118 Catching sight of her alone in a corridor after the Lloyd & Yvonne Penney 1706-24 Eva Rd. signing, Helen, who was just about to leave for a Etobicoke, ON CANADA M9C 2B2 panel of her own, thrust a copy of Ethan of Athos September 8, 2017 into my hands and told me to get LMB to sign it for her. I did, but did a double take when her in- Dear Tom: scription on the book's flyleaf read "Newt Nug- Editorial. I haven’t seen enough Doctor Who epi- gets!" instead of the expected "Forward Momen- sodes to count on one hand, but it seems I am tum!" When I showed the inscription to Helen fairly familiar with the Doctors and their compan- and her other companions after the panel, they ions, and the various adventures they have. It’s said to me, "What did you say to insult her?" never really caught my interest, but I do know Only after we'd read the book did we learn that members of several DW clubs and societies in the the inscription wasn't a response to my boorish- Toronto area. The Doctor has given them plenty ness... of enjoyment over the years, and who am I to say I'll say no more of the book, lest I spoil it for otherwise? I am glad they enjoy the show as those of your readers who haven't read it. Thank much as they do. you again for TRF. Keep up the good work. The Wow! signal. Well, I am sure we were Best wishes, Al(fred D. Byrd) hoping this was a true sign of extraterrestrial life, but perhaps not yet. One day; I cannot believe we [[You needn’t disclaim anything. If the readers of are alone in the universe, unless we are truly an TRF have been following the news on TV or the anomaly. And if we are, why does the universe Internet are or should be well aware of the hyper- exist? This is a test, a 300-word essay, and give bolic jingoistic ranting of what some people re- three examples. gard as president would seem to lead to the sub- The locol. I had read some time ago that one ject of your article. (That’s a heck of a sentence.) of the later Doctors, David Tennant, perhaps, had It’s certainly not your fault that the—pardon said that he would recommend to any of his suc- me—nutcase seems to be trying to reach that cessors not to stay in the role any longer than goal.// I’ve been striving to maintain a more fan- three to four years. It's a great role, and it will nish focus. But I’m fearful of running out of fan- make your name, but if you stay too long, it will nish doings by me or in which I was involved. cubbyhole you, and cripple your career. I thought Help of any kind would be welcome.// Ah, the this might have been a difficult decision for Peter

39 40 Capaldi, as he was a big Doctor Who fan in his youth. Finally, it looks like I have some employ- ment, starting this coming Wednesday. It is only part-time, but at least, I won’t be spending all my days at home, job hunting. I wish there had been more here, but I think I have written what I can. Have a great weekend, and I look forward to the next issue. See you then! Yours, Lloyd Penney.

[[Oh come on! Brad’s cover wasn’t that stirring. Corny maybe. A bit silky. Shucks, it’s only a little way out of the field. But what would you expect from Kernel Foster? How many maidens would be enticed by that Unicorn? I’m getting carried away aren’t I?// I hope you didn’t dive into the shallow part. That could really hurt.// Shame on you for not being allured by the good Dr.—and you, a part of the Brit- ish Empire, you Steam-punk follower you. I won’t fault you for your shortcoming in the Dr. Who universe. The preced- ing was all in fun, not meant maliciously!//

The WoW discovery was a great disappointment. Still, make myself understood. there might be some genuine signals from real honest to goodness aliens// It’s good to know you have some employ- Finally I begged them to keep my money as a gen- ment. Maybe it will turn into full time or something full eral donation. Gray Morrow’s cover on the Aug 67 If, time will come your way.// Regarding what Tennant said which you reprint, shouldn’t be faulted for giving his about leaving Dr. Who . . . Over the years many actors in wizard a computer we fifty years later this month find TV series programs often leave the series after a while to avoid being typecast and possibly ruining their careers but out-of-date. Morrow like everyone in s-f had to solve also desiring to try something new and different. That’s our eternal problem of anchoring in something. how actors are. (BTW . . . that includes women as well.]] Maybe he could have been content with that timeless wizard image. The theme of the issue was The age of science versus sorcery”.

Poe is worth attention and so is the first Cassius

Clay. Poe’s astronomy is more to his credit than is his racism—so too his cryptanalysis—pun for

Brother Barraclough but his place is in literature, a man of letters and having telegraphed my punch I must say it— a poet. He wrote science fiction, some of which was horrifying e.g. “The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar” (1845)—but

he named that mummy Allamistakeo! Was he (dare I say) a proto-fan? The Reluctant Famulus 305 Gill Branch

Rd. c/o Sadler Owenton, KY 40359

40 41 2 Aug 17 letters of 1 & 2 Aug, nor a We Also Heard From column mentioning them. RF 118 was post- Dear Tom, marked 9 Aug but must have gone to press before In my letter yesterday I forgot to applaud Denney my letters came. I guess I didn’t hurry quite E. Marshal’s short science fiction poems. enough. Thanks for them. There’s been disagreement (of Sheryl Birkhead’s groan that she always felt course) over whether haiku in English must conform like an outsider at cons is all too tragic and all to 5-7-5 syllables—or indeed any other rule, horrors. too understandable. A “So This is Your First You can still see my report “Results of the Nippon Con” panel is often given; I often sit on it; I’ve 2007 Haiku Contest” told how once when I was on it with Bill Rotsler, a woman in the audience said no one ever explained and I still wonder if I should “What if all those other people are as shy as have pointed out the ambiguity of “lovely and for- you?” Lonestarcon III (71st Worldcon, San Anto- lorn” which at the time I thought went without say- nio, Texas, 2013) had an optional ribbon to stick ing. I write poetry in this form, but seldom stfnal onto one’s name-badge “My first Worldcon”. (“STEF-nal”, our old adjective, from Hugo Gerns- I’ve seen them since. They help. back’s word “scientifiction”). You can see a set of These days special-interest cons flourish. I four stfnal ones in Science Fiction Five-Yearly 12 (the prefer a general-interest con, like the Worldcon, or beige color of the paper is not reproduced) Westercon my regional, or Loscon my local: a general-interest con is where you can meet people you didn’t know you wanted to meet. The book that most helped me understand haiku is For a fine novella that never reached the Hugo Donald Keene’s World Within Walls (rev. 1999; Japa- ballot—happens all the time—I recommend Tim nese literature during the Tokugawa isolation). Powers’ “Down and Out in Purgatory”. His strange I do write in 5-7-5 form, and also try to follow (a) imagination is in top form, his craftsmanship first- the poem must express a single moment (b) usually in rate, and as we expect from this author, who does not the present (c) preferably showing what season of the give us Nothing is revealed, the pun emerges, if I year it is (d) so that the subjective and objective may indulge in one myself. worlds can be seen to meet, at the end of the first or Hertz 236 S. Coronado St. No. 409 second line. These formal points I find a help, not a Los Angeles, CA 90057 hindrance. 12 Sep 17 Every good wish. Dear Tom, The Reluctant Famulus 305 Gill Branch Rd. c/o Sadler Owenton, KY Thanks for your prompt 18 Aug. Here in Fanzineland time is no less important, but less 40359 compelling. We want to know when a letter was written, Hertz 236 S. Coronado St., No. 409 but cheerfully print one commenting on an issue years ear- Los Angeles, CA 90057 lier. Dear Tom, I’m still stunned by the loss in two days of Jerry Reluctant Famulus 118 arrived in today’s mail Pournelle and Len Wein, the Cosmic Joker striking a right with its fine Brad Foster cover, where clouds for and a left. Both men were giants. How different. They had in common rising above a substantial time of physical suf- good reason look like popcorn, but with neither my fering. Neither was daunted. Both went on with their work

41 42 of creation, and indeed their joy in fellowship, not despite get a copy of that Tim Powers novella. I admit I but regardless of what befell them. haven’t read any of his fiction. There are so many Dum vivimus, vivamus. SF and Fantasy writers out there to choose from.// The Reluctant Famulus It was a surprise to learn about the deaths of 305 Gills Branch Rd. c/o Sadler Jerry Pournell and Len Wein.//I’ve disregarded Owenton, KY 40359 the paragraph you mentioned. Now the readers will wonder what the heck it was about. Should [[Since you sent me a short series of letters I’m we keep it a secret? Maybe it’s for the best.]] taking the liberty of replying to them after the last one. That's an interesting English usage table that you like. I wonder how much use average people would get out of it. I couldn’t figure out how to incorporate it into your letter. So I took a strange easy way by scanning it and saving it a jpg/jpeg image. I don’t remember ever seeing it. If I did it was a long time ago and forgotten along with many other things.// I wish I could take credit for those haikus but no thanks to my blundering I failed to give credit to the actual writer, Denney E. Marshall whose haikus appeared in TRF 116. I’m not sure I even knew what a haiku was. From what you wrote it seems like a complicated type of poetry.// In regard to that August 67 IF magazine cover. I liked it very much. In retrospect it occurred to me that here was a wizard, Sorcerer, Alchemist or whatever who was keeping up with the times and taking advantage of the latest technology. It was a blend of the old and the new. If I could get a good copy of that cover I’d be tempted to frame it and hang it where I could see it.//I used to try keeping a consistent publication schedule but over the years that has become How many of you have caught on to the inspira- somewhat irregular and operating on fannish tion for Brad’s cartoon above? time. I suspect it takes people by surprise when Regarding the back cover: Yes, that’s my doing. an issue appears. So now when a loc arrives I’m sure there will be various opinions about it. shortly after an issue appears it goes into the next That it’s too crowded, overdone or ridiculous. I issue. You’re not the only one who has had that was playing around with one of the graphics pro- happen. If a loc arrives in time it will be in that grams I have merely to entertain myself and see appropriate issue and not in the Wahf.// That “My what I could come up with. Then the Devil made first Worldcon” ribbon seems like a good idea for me use it. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it. any convention that is the first one a new fan has attended. I’ve noticed there are special interest Editor. cons but I prefer the general ones.// I’ll have to

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A note regarding the fillo on page 19. It has nothing to do with The Crotchety Critic. I found it interesting and stuck it in for the heck of it.

Dave Rowe and me looking at something. As usual, I don’t remember what. Dave possibly does. Whatever it was it made us smile.

That’s it for this issue. You can wake up now and put your copy away. Pitch it into a dark hole. Or Set it on fire, which would pollute the atmosphere. It probably wouldn’t make good fertilizer. Wait. You could send it into some part of the universe. It might smash into a comet or maybe an alien starship. Ouch! That could hurt. Yes, I’m being absurd. So long for now. I’ll go sip on a glass of caffeine iced tea.

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