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The Heuristic Squelch • September 2020 1 The Heuristic Squelch • September 2020 The Heuristic SQUELCH Cracking cold cases since 1991 EDITORS (narrating in the rain) Joseph Cohn, David Larson, Matthew Selman EDITORS EMERITUS (pouring another whiskey) Siddharth Bhogra, Simona Boneva, Lena Brooks, Aaron Brownstein, Hoodrow Currie, Amy Detrich, Max Ebert, Tejomay Gadgil, Simon Ganz, Brett Hallahan, David Hollingsworth, Owen Javellana, Sean Keane, Erik Krasner- Karpen, Elizabeth Kurata, Matt Loker, Spencer Nyarady, John O’Connor, Rebecca Power, Graham Riley, Kait Schultz, Miles Stenehjem, Tommaso Sciortino, Fred Taylor-Hochberg, Joshua Zarrabi WRITERS (chasing red herrings) Drew Bernhard, Max Bograd, Tejas Dhindsa, Hans Gundlach, Meagan Helm, Landon Iannamico, Nessa Ordukhani, Ankita Sethi, Lindy Tweten CONTRIBUTORS (wearing trenchcoats) Jazz Mackey, Chase McCleary, Melody Niv, forgot that one guy COME JOIN THE WEBMASTER (burying the bodies) squelch Simon Ganz PRINTING MEETINGS: (playing saxophone down a dark SUNDAY, 3-5 PM alleyway) Fricke Parks (510) 489-6543 TUESDSAY, 8-10 PM EMAIL US FOR A ZOOM INVITE The Heuristic Squelch is an ASUC sponsored publication of UC Berkeley. The content contained herein does EMAIL US AT: not necessarily reflect the opinions of [email protected] the ASUC, nor does it re-reflect the opinions of the ASUC nor does it re- re-reflectthe opinions of the ASUC nor INSTAGRAM: does it flect the opinions of the ASUC. @THEHEURISTICSQUELCH 2 The Heuristic Squelch • September 2020 table of contents words from the top Dear Reader, 4 newsflashes Well that was weird. Some grinning dork on Sproul just harassed you into taking a magazine that you don’t want 6 obscure sorrows to read. Or even more strange, you picked up the magazine yourself. Maybe you didn’t mean to to take it, but one of our members was standing so close to Sather Gate that you 7 el chapo’s resume had to squeeze by them while trying to avoid spilling your Yerba Mate Enlighten Mint, and then it was just kind of pressed into your hand while you tried to say no before 8 do it for democrats it became awkward and then you saw how desperate the person handing out the magazine was and thought what the hell I may as well take the goddam magazine because 9 kasa investigation there are solar-powered, compaction-capable recycle bins within view let me just go about my day in peace. Now it’s yours. Either way you probably hate the person that made 10 manchild detective you take this garbage. That’s fair. This garbage is funny though. Or at least, we thought the content inside was funny when we wrote it, 11 shakespearean but who are we to say? Now you’ve got to decide what to do murder mystery with it. If you throw it away you’ll feel guilty about wasting paper. If you try to read it, you’ll probably find yourself lost, confused, or even disturbed. You may even find humor. 12 join us Probably not, but maybe. I have to try to make you read it because that’s how this works. Come to think of it I don’t really know anything about you. You might be a closeted 13 top tens glue-sniffer or a bright visionary. Or maybe even a wrin- kled old fish (herring, turbot, cod, it doesn’t matter). Why should I be so invested in what you think? You could be a 14 wikihow: how to horrible person like a cannibal or an Economics major. But for those of you who took this intentionally be an assassin funny campus publication because you thought you would enjoy reading it, you have your work cut out for you. You’ll be confronted by bizarre news articles that are probably 15 unpublished pieces maybe real, outlandish mysteries that will leave you furi- ous, and advertisements that would not even be accepted by those websites you’re always visiting. Even if you are a 16 nixle report cannibal or an Econ major I hope that you can find things to laugh at within the pages of this magazine. The staff has toiled long and hard to erect this monument to humor and 17 advertisements good taste. So with this caveat in mind, pour yourself a tall glass of white grape juice, find a dark corner, and begin your journey. Or if these words left you uninspired, just 18 ted kaczynski’s throw the damn thing away. ratemyprofessor Please recycle. Also, please don’t eat me, Matthew and David 19 the free peach The Heuristic Squelch, September 2020 3 Boomers Claim Millennials Killing The Crime Industry By Ankita Sethi, Criminal Rights Activist After getting away with murdering causing stocks for for-profit prisons to the lazy Millennials’ failures!” Since the the napkin and vacation industries, plummet. time of his publication, crimes have stayed millenials have now turned their eyes on “Those darn kids are making the rest relatively steady as unfortunately his crime. Opinion-column writer from New of us look bad. They couldn’t stop with journal was no longer doing print media York Post, Steve Cuozzo, has weighed in their mental health advocacy groups, which is still the only way to get in contact multiple times (perhaps to an excessive climate change movements, and avocado with a Boomer. degree) on the Millennial Industry-Death toast diets. Now, it’s crimes. What will Trend, and did so again with his latest they do next? Claim the Earth is round?” You might also be interested in: article “Old men have the right to commit At the end of his article, he “Millennial Perspectives: Zoomers are felonies.” In his article, he noted how also encouraged his other Boomer Predicted to Destroy the Beloved Avocado millennials were failing to keep up with contemporaries to “Get out there and start Industry.” newsflashes the crime rates of the previous generations committing more crimes to make up for Man Finally Decides To Move Onto Second Base With Girlfriend By Landon Iannamico, Kink Shamer After meeting Macenzy at a bdsm/ using earthworms, and Makenzie has reporters that the most upvoted comment furry kink party in San Francisco, local pegged him while he’s worn a gimpsuit. said to wait until they were about to climax 23-year-old man Bertie Bunghole decides “That’s probably my favorite thing to and then grab Michael’s hand really to take the next step in their relationship, do with her,” he says, referring to the quickly while she’s distracted orgasming, and try holding hands. “We’ve had sex a earthworms. “We’ve done that, what, at and then let go when she’s done, so she few dozen times, and experimented with least 6, 7 times?” But as much fun as all barely even notices. “That seemed like the lots of stuff,” Bunghole says. “I first met this casual dating has been, Bunghole says least weird way to do it,” Bunghole told us. her at a play party at Dr. Leather’s sex he feels like he and MicKenzi should be “Some other comments said to do it while dungeon when I saw her doing knifeplay getting more serious now, and it’s about you’re walking down the sidewalk or at a in any alleyway with some other guy. I time to kick it up a notch. “I just feel like coffee shop. I was like, what? In public? asked if I could join.” He laughed. “From it’s time to do something more intimate. I’m a pretty open-minded guy, but that’s there we just hit it off.” We’ve just spent so long at first base, and just too far.” Bunghole went on to say that it’s like, when’s the real action?” since meeting, they’ve had multiple Bunghole went on Reddit to ask for threesomes, masturbated each other advice on the matter. He told Squelch 23andMe Reveals Woman is Half Vegan By Hans Gundlach, Half Caucasian and Half Cauliflower Yesterday, Karen Jacob’s 23andMe Jacobs stated “I’ve tried to mention this and not being a butter person but this is results revealed that she was 50.73% vegan every time I meet someone. I feel like really a breakthrough. Almost all vegans as well as being 25% Scottish and 99 ± 3% people should recognize the kind of are descended from one man in the ice age white. Ms. Jacobs stated yesterday that: historical-oppression we have been under who ate organic grasses instead of meat “I always knew I was special. I always from the cis-diet world.” 23andMe stated from mammoths killed unethically using felt that meat, milk, and eggs were not that they were proud to see how their tests large boulders. This is where we think really my thing, at least in the mornings allow people to connect more with their the paleo diet started diverging from or most Sunday afternoons.” Jacobs also ancestors. veganism. However, we have found similar stated that she would consider going to Yet, the ancestral and genetic basis of genes for pretentiousness and resistance dispensaries more and driving a Toyota veganism are recent discoveries. Scientists to spice in both groups.” Scientists state Prius in order to better connect with her say that this is just a first in line of new that soon 23andMe will be able to test heritage. Jacobs stated “I think veganism discoveries that have rocked the scientific for a wider range of ethnic backgrounds comes from my mom Karen IV – she’s a world. Dr. Heifitz, a researcher at the including being “basic” or “one of those real cow.” Ms. Jacobs’s friends commented NIH, stated that “we had always known guys who wears baseball caps the wrong that they were not surprised by the results.
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