How to Commit a Successful Suicide Free

FREE HOW TO COMMIT A SUCCESSFUL SUICIDE PDF

Thanks for connecting! You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. That is, I figure you probably are if you're reading this, judging by the e-mail I get every day. I obviously can't change your mind about this and you'd have no reason to listen to me even if I tried, BUT a person can screw up a suicide just like anything else and so I offer this guide on how to do it right. Yes, it does matter. This is the act that everyone will remember about you forever and ever. So, before you go rushing into it The following is a true story. I knew a girl in High School named Skyler. One How to Commit a Successful Suicide, not long after her 17th birthday, she got fed up with life and swallowed a whole bottle of pills. I would go into why, but we never knew why. All she left behind was a squiggly suicide note, scrawled in a tearful rage on the back of an Arby's receipt. The family thus were led to believe that Skyler suffered from Coprophilia, or a fetish for eating human feces. And since death is no time to judge a person, Skyler's mother and father and three brothers openly embraced what they believed to be their beloved's love affair with poo. Who knows, maybe it was her shame over this unusual habit that pushed her over the edge. So they went public with the note, outing their poop-loving daughter to the community as to shed light on those still persecuted. Skyler's classmates rallied around her memory, condemning the fecalphobes who they figured had taunted her as she took repeated trips to life's turd buffet. A memorial service was held in our school gym two days later and first up to the podium was little Kim Wittaker a teammate on Skyler's dance team How to Commit a Successful Suicide, who read this poem dedicated to her memory:. Skyler, with your newfound wings, you can fly How to Commit a Successful Suicide you'll have the poop pile of kings and a golden poop piler wherever you're at, you have phat scat sat near the fat scat vat we miss you. At this point, Principal Clark unveiled an airbrush painting by award- winning art student Cody Gunderson, which would honor Skyler's memory by forever hanging in the main entranceway of the school. Do you get the point? Skyler didn't plan to fail. She just failed to plan. So How to Commit a Successful Suicide you get down to business, here's three things you need to think through. It won't take long:. I had a friend who worked as a cook at Denny's and hated it. On his feet and tossing salads all day. So he decides to rob the place, figuring he can take the money and start a new life. Instead he gets caught and goes to prison, where he winds up doing kitchen duty all day and tossing salads all night. What I'm trying to say is that depending on where you end up, you could find yourself in the exact same bullshit you're in now. Most of us sit around the campfire late at night and talk about the afterlife as a distant, vague thing but you, if you do the suicide you're actually going to be there in a few minutes. So we have to stop talking about the afterworld as a shadowy hypothetical and start talking in terms of an actual place where you'll actually be before your next Birthday. There are really only two popular views on the afterlife, the religious view and the nonreligious one. Now I don't know what you believe and I don't particularly care, so we'll just examine each possibility equally. If Christians are right, you can expect Hell. The best picture of Hell we have is from Italian author Dante Alighieri, who years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it. His picture of Hell is about what you'd expect, in that there are different levels of hellness depending on what kind of an asshole you were. If you're surprised that suicides wind up in Hell at all, you have to understand that the bitch about suicide is that under the Christian scheme, it qualifies as murder. Dante's Hell has the suicide cases living in a suburb of murdererville. This may sound unfair, but remember that murder isn't a horrible crime because of what it does to the murdered. That person is gone, what do they care? No, the crime is against the murdered person's Mom and brother and sister and best friend and all their coworkers and the How to Commit a Successful Suicide he or she owed money to. All of the people who depended on that person or How to Commit a Successful Suicide have depended on them in the future had they been allowed to live, all of the people who will feel the crushing waves of misery and loneliness due to their abrupt absence, they're the victims. And since suicide creates the same real and emotional devastation as homocide, the two are treated as the same crime. I know, it sucks. But remember you're not being punished for what you did to yourself, but what you did to those around you when you pulled the trigger. That's the thing, suicide has a way of only hurting the people who liked you. The people who hated you will forget your name in a month and, in fact, the evil bastards who tormented you and drove you to this will actually be a little happier with you gone. Suicide is like a bunch of your friends saving up money to buy you a car and then you taking the car and running them over with it. So under this plan you would get the murderer's punishment, which is to be plunged into a river of boiling blood, continually bitten by ravenous eels that How to Commit a Successful Suicide fire as venom whilst flying badgers How to Commit a Successful Suicide on those who try to swim out. This goes on for 1,,, times infinity and the whole time, this video plays continuously in the background. There are differing thoughts on the actual torture, of course. Some don't believe in the boiling blood thing and say it is merely a "boiling" pool of carnivorous maggots or a simple boiling sea of shit. But most do think that the suicide cases are continually attacked and tortured by the murderers they're imprisoned with in How to Commit a Successful Suicide, because to them you're such an incompetent murderer that the only victim you could find who wouldn't overpower or outwit you was yourself. Thus, suicide is considered to be the same embarrassing insult to murderdom that Uwe Boll is to the world of film. I'm not saying their harrassment will be worse than what you currently How to Commit a Successful Suicide at school or at work or at How to Commit a Successful Suicide, you know your situation better than I do. I'm just saying that they're murderers and there are millions of them and some of them have had several thousand years to be driven insane with rage. They have eternity to work you over and that there are no laws to stop them. Remember that in Hell, the only punishable crime is failing to torture the nearest person weaker than you. Again, I doubt you think you deserve all that, but you probably don't think you deserve what you got in this life, either, and that certainly didn't change anything. All I can really say in response is that it's difficult to find anyone who was ever punished for anything who actually felt like they deserved it. Also note that Christianity is not a religion for pussies. You may also point out that your life was your own and it How to Commit a Successful Suicide be a lesser crime to destroy something that belongs to you. But the Christians reasonably point out that you didn't buy or earn or plan or construct your own birth. It happened totally without your knowledge and the subsequent life could have ended at any second if your heart had decided to stop beating which also happens without your knowledge or if some heavy object had fallen on you in your sleep. So they say that it's really God who owned your life and for you to How to Commit a Successful Suicide ownership of it is like saying you own the sunlight that beats down on your face on a hot summer day. Of course, you can take comfort in knowing that lots of smart people disagree with the above picture of Hell. Many say, for instance, that it's unjust to punish the kind, devout Buddhist right alongside the con artist who steals the life savings from an old woman, leaving her to eat dog food on the street so that he can buy a ticket on a naked pedophile cruise to Bangkok. Eastern religions such How to Commit a Successful Suicide Buddhism and Hinduism, though, also believe in an afterlife where some kind justice is carried out, be it through reincarnation or time spent in a spiritual obstacle course. What you learn in each life develops the soul and eventually you graduate. Your problem there is that suicides tend to come back as suicides. They live a couple of decades and then BLAMthey hit the reset switch and start over. So they never progress because they never give themselves a chance to learn or experience anything. If these religions are right then you've probably committed suicide before, in another life. And another, and another. And you'll do the same in the next one. So be prepared. If whatever afterlife is coming involves justice of some kind, you'll still have to answer for the fact that you ended this life by emotionally devastating all of the people who have helped you up until now, while simultaneously having bailed out on all of the people you were supposed to have helped in your remaining decades of life. From the How to Commit a Successful Suicide who would have needed you to talk them through a tough time a month from now to the sweet girl who you were supposed to marry six years from now, all will be waiting to kick your ass in the afterworld. And even if you survive that ass-kicking gauntlet, at the end you'll have to look this baby in the eye. He was born with a rare skin-eating disease that makes his flesh harden and tear off in chunks Oh, and Now, if you look around long enough I'm sure you can find a religion where everyone goes to a paradise of some kind after death. The obvious problem with that is that How to Commit a Successful Suicide only will Hitler be there, along with the aforementioned thieving child rapist, but all of the people making your current life a living hell will also be there with you. And for a personality prone to suicide, the sheer fact that you can't escape this time you can't kill yourself when you're already dead turns even this universal Heaven into a kind of Hell - unless you somehow find a way to live with those people. And if you're figuring that, yes, you can man up and face whatever challenges the next life presents, then you might as well do that now, in this life, and skip the extra step. It's just more efficient that way. All of us wind up in the same cold, black, non-living state. Bush, Michael Moore, Mel Gibson, child molesters, child molester victims, How to Commit a Successful Suicide wind up in the same spiritual Terri Schiavo state of mindless vegetation. Of course there are some scientists who say that consciousness is preserved outside of the body in a sort How to Commit a Successful Suicide Quantum energy state so that the mind can live on. These energies, they speculate, congregate with other energies and, like on Earth, the bad apples are shuttled off to be quarantined in some place where they can't do harm to the good ones. We can't know what this is like for a suicide such as yourself, but one experimental attempt to communicate with this plane of existence was able to detect the faint sounds of screaming, badgers, and this song playing over and over again. We have no way of knowing the significance of this. There's a Catch here, in that the methods that leave you unconscious taking pills or sucking car exhaust also leaves the How to Commit a Successful Suicide that someone will find you and rush you to the hospital. But the methods that leave you wide awake also leave you to experience the last few seconds of absolute bodily terror that comes with the realization that the thing you feared your whole life - death - is upon you, real and ugly and big as balls. Did you see that movie The Ring? Why were you scared of that little girl? What's the worst thing she could do? Painless Suicide Methods | Painless Ways to Die | Suicide Forum

A suicide method is any means by which a person chooses to How to Commit a Successful Suicide their life. How to Commit a Successful Suicide is not always completed, and a failed suicide attempt can leave the person with serious physical injuries, health problems that can be long-term, and brain damage. Worldwide, three suicide methods predominate with the pattern varying in different countries. These are hangingpoisoning by pesticidesand firearms. Decisions made to choose suicide are often made on impulse, and these are seen to be preventable by removing the means. Other important measures are the introduction of policies that address the misuse of alcoholand the treatment of mental disorders. The study of suicide methods aims to identify those commonly used, and the groups at risk of suicide; making methods less accessible may be useful in suicide prevention. The early identification of mental disorders and substance abuse disordersfollow-up care for those who have attempted suicide, and responsible reporting by the media are all seen to be key in reducing the number of deaths by suicide. This needs to include the registration and monitoring of suicides and attempted suicide, breaking figures down by age, sex, and method. Such information allows public health resources to focus on the problems How to Commit a Successful Suicide are relevant in a particular place, or for a given population or subpopulation. If young people are found to be at increased risk of suicide by overdosing on particular medications, then an alternative class of medication may be prescribed How to Commit a Successful Suicide, a safety plan How to Commit a Successful Suicide monitoring How to Commit a Successful Suicide medication can be put in place, and parents can be educated about how to prevent the hoarding of medication for a future suicide attempt. Method substitution is the process How to Commit a Successful Suicide choosing a different suicide method when the first-choice method is inaccessible. Suffocation as a classification of suicide method includes strangulation and hanging. This may involve the use of a plastic suicide bag. Suicide by How to Commit a Successful Suicide is self-strangulation that involves the partial suspension of the body rather than the full suspension used in hanging. Hanging is a common method of suicide. This has the effect of compressing the carotid arteries preventing the supply of oxygen to the brain resulting in unconsciousness and death. Hanging involves the use of a ligature such as a rope or cord attached to an anchor point with the other end used to form a noose placed around the neck. The cause of death will either be due to strangulation or a How to Commit a Successful Suicide neck. In a "short drop", the person may die from strangulation, in which the death may result from a lack of oxygen to the brain. The person is likely to experience hypoxiaskin tingling, dizziness, vision narrowing, convulsionsshockand acute respiratory acidosis. Hanging survivors typically have severe damage to the trachea and larynx, damage to the carotid arteries, damage to the spine, and brain damage due to cerebral anoxia. In a typical "long drop", the subject is likely to suffer one or more fractures of the cervical vertebraeHow to Commit a Successful Suicide between the second and fifth, which may cause paralysis or death. In extremely long drops, the hanging may result in complete decapitation. Hanging is the prevalent means of suicide in pre-industrial societiesand is more common in rural areas than in urban areas. Worldwide, firearm prevalence in suicides varies widely, depending on the acceptance and availability of firearms in a culture. Surviving a self-inflicted gunshot may result in severe chronic pain as well as reduced cognitive abilities and motor function, subdural hematomaforeign bodies in the head, pneumocephalus and cerebrospinal fluid leaks. For temporal bone directed bullets, temporal lobe abscess, meningitis, aphasia, hemianopsia, and hemiplegia are common late intracranial complications. A positive association exists between firearm availability and increased suicide risk. Those who have recently purchased a firearm are found to be high risk for suicide within a week after their purchase. A report by the National Academy of Sciences found an association between estimated household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates, [39] [40] though a study by two Harvard researchers did not find a statistically significant association between household firearms and gun suicide rates, [41] except in the suicides of children aged 5— In the United States, states with stricter gun control measures How to Commit a Successful Suicide lower overall suicide rates. The same study found no evidence of substitution to other methods. Reducing access to guns at a population level decreases the risk of suicide by firearms. These regions correlate with the How to Commit a Successful Suicide with the highest increases of suicide rates in the past 17 years. There are certain areas in the United States where firearms are illegal entirely. The rates of homicide and suicide in the surrounding areas where the restrictions were not applied and noted that there was no significant change in these rates. This study has been criticized. Suicide by poisoning, also How to Commit a Successful Suicide self-poisoning is usually classed as a drug overdose when drugs such as painkillers or recreational drugs have been used. The use of pesticides to self-poison is the most common method used in some countries. Suicide can also be completed by the inhalation of poisonous gases such as carbon monoxide. Fast-acting poisonsuch as cyanide is also used. Many other natural substances have high levels of toxicity including belladonnacastor beansand Jatropha curcas. Poisoning by farm chemicals is very common among women in rural Chinaand is regarded as a major social problem in the country. When access to the chemical was restricted, other methods replaced it, leading researchers to conclude that restricting certain suicide methods does little to impact the overall suicide rate. A drug overdose involves taking a dose of a drug that exceeds safe levels. In the UK England and Wales until a drug overdose was the most common suicide method in females when this was then overtaken by the method of hanging. However self-poisoning accounts for the highest number of suicide attempts. Overdose attempts using painkillers are among the most common, due to their easy availability over-the-counter. Overdose may also take place when mixing medications in a cocktail with one another, or with alcohol or illegal drugs. This method may leave confusion over whether the death was a suicide or accidental, especially when alcohol or other judgment-impairing substances are also involved and no How to Commit a Successful Suicide note was left behind. An overdose is often the expressed preferred method of dignified dying among members of right-to-die organizations. A particular type of poisoning involves the inhalation of high levels of carbon monoxide CO. Death usually occurs through hypoxia. In most cases carbon How to Commit a Successful Suicide is used because it is easily available as a product of incomplete combustion. A failed attempt can result in memory loss and other symptoms. Carbon monoxide is a colorless and odorless gasso its presence cannot be detected by sight or smell. It acts by binding preferentially to the hemoglobin in the person's blood, displacing oxygen molecules and progressively deoxygenating the blood, eventually resulting in the failure of cellular respirationand death. Carbon monoxide is extremely dangerous to bystanders and people who may discover the body, so " Right to Die " advocates like Philip Nitschke recommend the use of safer alternatives like nitrogenfor example in his EXIT euthanasia device. In the past, before air quality regulations and catalytic converterssuicide by carbon monoxide poisoning would often be achieved by running a car's engine in a closed space such as a garage, or by redirecting a running car's exhaust back inside the cabin with a hose. Charcoal-burning suicide induces death from carbon monoxide poisoning. Originally carried out in Hong Kong this has been a growing practice in Japan[93] where small charcoal-burning heaters hibachi or stoves shichirin are used in a sealed room. By it had accounted for 25 per cent of deaths from suicide. Detergent-related suicide involves mixing household chemicals to produce hydrogen sulfide or other poisonous gases. At the end of the 19th century in Britain there were more suicides from carbolic acid than from any other poison because there was no restriction on its sale. Braxton Hicks and other coroners called for its sale to be prohibited. Several creatures, such as spiders, snakes, and scorpions, carry venoms that can easily and quickly kill How to Commit a Successful Suicide person. These substances can be used to conduct suicide. For example, Cleopatra supposedly had an asp bite her when she heard of Marc Antony 's death. Jumping from a dangerous location, such as from a high windowbalcony, or roof, or from a cliffdam or bridge is an often used suicide method in some countries. In New Zealand secure fencing at the Grafton Bridge has resulted in zero suicides. In Hong Kongjumping is the How to Commit a Successful Suicide common method of suicide, accounting for Self-inflicting a wound with a sharp instrument as a suicide method is usually to the wrists but can also be to the throat or belly in harakiri. This is a relatively common method to the wrists, and the ready availability of knives is a noted factor. Wounds from suicide attempts involve the non-dominant hand; with damage often done to the median nerveulnar nerveradial arterypalmaris longus muscleand flexor carpi radialis muscle. Suicide by drowning is the act of deliberately submerging oneself in water or other liquid to prevent breathing and deprive the brain of oxygen. Due to the body's natural tendency to come up for air, drowning attempts often involve the use of a heavy object to overcome this reflex. As the level of carbon dioxide in the person's blood rises, the central nervous system sends the respiratory muscles an involuntary signal to contract, and the person breathes in water. Death usually occurs as the level of oxygen becomes too low to sustain the brain cells. Fasting to death has been used by HinduBuddhistand Jain ascetics and householders, as a ritual method of suicide known as Prayopavesa in Hinduism ; Sokushinbutsu historically in Buddhismand as Sallekhana in Jainism. The explorer Thor Heyerdahl refused to eat or take medication for the last month of his life, after he was diagnosed with cancer. Death from dehydration can take from several days to a few weeks. This means that unlike many other suicide methods, it How to Commit a Successful Suicide be accomplished impulsively. Those who die by terminal dehydration typically lapse into unconsciousness before death, and may also experience delirium and deranged serum sodium. Terminal dehydration has been described as having substantial advantages over physician-assisted suicide with respect to self-determination, access, professional integrity, and social implications. Specifically, a patient has a right to refuse treatment and How to Commit a Successful Suicide would be a personal assault for someone to force water on a patient, but such is not the case if a doctor merely refuses to provide lethal medication. Another suicide method is to lie down, or throw oneself, in the path of a fast moving vehicle, either on the road or onto railway tracks. Sometimes a car may be driven onto the railway tracks. On railway tracks above ground, somebody may simply lie down or stand on the tracks, as the speed of an approaching train prevents its easy stopping. This type of suicide may cause trauma for the train driver. This is most likely because trains traveling on open tracks How to Commit a Successful Suicide relatively quickly, whereas trains arriving at a subway station are decelerating to stop and board passengers. Data gathered to showed that there were 3, suicides and trespass related accidents on the European railways each How to Commit a Successful Suicide. Trains on Japanese railroads cause a large number of suicides every year. Suicide by train is seen as something of a social problem, especially in the larger cities such as Tokyo or Nagoyabecause it disrupts train schedules and if one occurs during the morning rush-hour, causes numerous commuters to arrive late for work. However, suicide by train persists despite a common policy among life insurance companies to deny payment to the beneficiary in the event of suicide by train payment is usually made in the event of most other forms of suicide. Suicides involving the high-speed bullet-train, or Shinkansen are extremely rare, as the tracks are usually inaccessible to the public i. It has been argued this prevents possible suicide, as the person who is considering suicide would want to spare the family not only the trauma of a lost family member but also being sued in court; however there is insufficient evidence to support this assertion. The Federal Railroad Administrationin the U. Railway-related suicides are rarely impulsive, and this view has led to research on behaviour analysis using CCTV at known hotspots. The Ten Minute Suicide Guide |

For information on the most lethal methods of suicide, a good starting point is the statistics on the number of successful suicides by method. There is also a much published study fromwhere lay persons and 10 forensic pathologists rated the lethality, time, and agony for 28 methods of suicide for 4, cases of completed suicide in Los Angeles County in the period The outcome of the study is presented below, ranked by order of lethality from just the pathologists who participated in the study the lay persons tended to drastically overestimate the lethality of methods. Lost all hopes? Remember that there will always be pain after death, even when you use the most painless methods. The pain starts after you are physically dead and is related to the exit of the spirit from body. It might take up to 7 days after you are buried. In case there is a God up there, and all those crap stories about hell and heaven in those Abrahamic religions are real, then you will be in real shit after death. So go talk to a Rabbi, Priest, Imam Make sure that you have managed everything that is supposed to happen after your death. We know good charities that can use them for poor kids in Yemen, Africa, Most lethal methods of suicide For information on the most lethal methods of suicide, How to Commit a Successful Suicide good starting point is the statistics on the number of successful suicides by method. In fact the body itself does not feel anything, just like a wall or a rock. It is because of the ghost that has picked the body, you feel pain How to Commit a Successful Suicide you feel it How to Commit a Successful Suicide in the body. So when you kill your Body, "You" are not that "Body". The pain still remains with you and you have no idea how much worse it will hurt Much much Worse because now you are a murderer Ghost and you just added more pain to yourself. You are the ghost that murdered a "Body" and let the ghost out of it. So my point is, if you really have no Hope, try to find it somewhere else in this life. Try to find a new life Your Name:. Email Address:. Your Message:. Are You How to Commit a Successful Suicide