How to Commit a Successful Suicide Free
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FREE HOW TO COMMIT A SUCCESSFUL SUICIDE PDF Thomas James | 50 pages | 17 Aug 2010 | Lulu.com | 9780557588428 | English | London, United Kingdom Most lethal methods of suicide | Lost All Hope: The web's leading suicide resource Thanks for connecting! You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. That is, I figure you probably are if you're reading this, judging by the e-mail I get every day. I obviously can't change your mind about this and you'd have no reason to listen to me even if I tried, BUT a person can screw up a suicide just like anything else and so I offer this guide on how to do it right. Yes, it does matter. This is the act that everyone will remember about you forever and ever. So, before you go rushing into it The following is a true story. I knew a girl in High School named Skyler. One How to Commit a Successful Suicide, not long after her 17th birthday, she got fed up with life and swallowed a whole bottle of pills. I would go into why, but we never knew why. All she left behind was a squiggly suicide note, scrawled in a tearful rage on the back of an Arby's receipt. The family thus were led to believe that Skyler suffered from Coprophilia, or a fetish for eating human feces. And since death is no time to judge a person, Skyler's mother and father and three brothers openly embraced what they believed to be their beloved's love affair with poo. Who knows, maybe it was her shame over this unusual habit that pushed her over the edge. So they went public with the note, outing their poop-loving daughter to the community as to shed light on those still persecuted. Skyler's classmates rallied around her memory, condemning the fecalphobes who they figured had taunted her as she took repeated trips to life's turd buffet. A memorial service was held in our school gym two days later and first up to the podium was little Kim Wittaker a teammate on Skyler's dance team How to Commit a Successful Suicide, who read this poem dedicated to her memory:. Skyler, with your newfound wings, you can fly How to Commit a Successful Suicide you'll have the poop pile of kings and a golden poop piler wherever you're at, you have phat scat sat near the fat scat vat we miss you. At this point, Principal Clark unveiled an airbrush painting by award- winning art student Cody Gunderson, which would honor Skyler's memory by forever hanging in the main entranceway of the school. Do you get the point? Skyler didn't plan to fail. She just failed to plan. So How to Commit a Successful Suicide you get down to business, here's three things you need to think through. It won't take long:. I had a friend who worked as a cook at Denny's and hated it. On his feet and tossing salads all day. So he decides to rob the place, figuring he can take the money and start a new life. Instead he gets caught and goes to prison, where he winds up doing kitchen duty all day and tossing salads all night. What I'm trying to say is that depending on where you end up, you could find yourself in the exact same bullshit you're in now. Most of us sit around the campfire late at night and talk about the afterlife as a distant, vague thing but you, if you do the suicide you're actually going to be there in a few minutes. So we have to stop talking about the afterworld as a shadowy hypothetical and start talking in terms of an actual place where you'll actually be before your next Birthday. There are really only two popular views on the afterlife, the religious view and the nonreligious one. Now I don't know what you believe and I don't particularly care, so we'll just examine each possibility equally. If Christians are right, you can expect Hell. The best picture of Hell we have is from Italian author Dante Alighieri, who years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it. His picture of Hell is about what you'd expect, in that there are different levels of hellness depending on what kind of an asshole you were. If you're surprised that suicides wind up in Hell at all, you have to understand that the bitch about suicide is that under the Christian scheme, it qualifies as murder. Dante's Hell has the suicide cases living in a suburb of murdererville. This may sound unfair, but remember that murder isn't a horrible crime because of what it does to the murdered. That person is gone, what do they care? No, the crime is against the murdered person's Mom and brother and sister and best friend and all their coworkers and the How to Commit a Successful Suicide he or she owed money to. All of the people who depended on that person or How to Commit a Successful Suicide have depended on them in the future had they been allowed to live, all of the people who will feel the crushing waves of misery and loneliness due to their abrupt absence, they're the victims. And since suicide creates the same real and emotional devastation as homocide, the two are treated as the same crime. I know, it sucks. But remember you're not being punished for what you did to yourself, but what you did to those around you when you pulled the trigger. That's the thing, suicide has a way of only hurting the people who liked you. The people who hated you will forget your name in a month and, in fact, the evil bastards who tormented you and drove you to this will actually be a little happier with you gone. Suicide is like a bunch of your friends saving up money to buy you a car and then you taking the car and running them over with it. So under this plan you would get the murderer's punishment, which is to be plunged into a river of boiling blood, continually bitten by ravenous eels that How to Commit a Successful Suicide fire as venom whilst flying badgers How to Commit a Successful Suicide on those who try to swim out. This goes on for 1,,, times infinity and the whole time, this video plays continuously in the background. There are differing thoughts on the actual torture, of course. Some don't believe in the boiling blood thing and say it is merely a "boiling" pool of carnivorous maggots or a simple boiling sea of shit. But most do think that the suicide cases are continually attacked and tortured by the murderers they're imprisoned with in How to Commit a Successful Suicide, because to them you're such an incompetent murderer that the only victim you could find who wouldn't overpower or outwit you was yourself. Thus, suicide is considered to be the same embarrassing insult to murderdom that Uwe Boll is to the world of film. I'm not saying their harrassment will be worse than what you currently How to Commit a Successful Suicide at school or at work or at How to Commit a Successful Suicide, you know your situation better than I do. I'm just saying that they're murderers and there are millions of them and some of them have had several thousand years to be driven insane with rage. They have eternity to work you over and that there are no laws to stop them. Remember that in Hell, the only punishable crime is failing to torture the nearest person weaker than you. Again, I doubt you think you deserve all that, but you probably don't think you deserve what you got in this life, either, and that certainly didn't change anything. All I can really say in response is that it's difficult to find anyone who was ever punished for anything who actually felt like they deserved it. Also note that Christianity is not a religion for pussies. You may also point out that your life was your own and it How to Commit a Successful Suicide be a lesser crime to destroy something that belongs to you. But the Christians reasonably point out that you didn't buy or earn or plan or construct your own birth. It happened totally without your knowledge and the subsequent life could have ended at any second if your heart had decided to stop beating which also happens without your knowledge or if some heavy object had fallen on you in your sleep. So they say that it's really God who owned your life and for you to How to Commit a Successful Suicide ownership of it is like saying you own the sunlight that beats down on your face on a hot summer day. Of course, you can take comfort in knowing that lots of smart people disagree with the above picture of Hell. Many say, for instance, that it's unjust to punish the kind, devout Buddhist right alongside the con artist who steals the life savings from an old woman, leaving her to eat dog food on the street so that he can buy a ticket on a naked pedophile cruise to Bangkok.