MAKE MARRIAGE GREAT AGAIN

He’s young, confident, and dynamic, an accountant by day who counsels young couples by night. Trained in Jersualem by a shalom bayis expert under whom he studied in order to maximize his own marriage, Reuven Epstein developed a course for growth-oriented couples who are willing to embark on the hard but rewarding work of connection and unconditional giving

BY Barbara Bensoussan PHOTOS Amir Levy

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If you want to become an accountant, he despite having recently returned from a says, you get a degree in accounting. If you Shabbaton where he delivered a lecture on YITZ AND want to be a doctor, you have to spend a few marriage and answered questions from cou- years in medical school. Why not study for ples until four in the morning. marriage? “Marriage is an even more import- Reuven grew up in Flatbush as a Torah SHEVY WERE ant undertaking than choosing a parnassah,” Temimah talmid, then learned at the Mir he says, “and has many more long-term con- Yeshiva in Jerusalem. Before leaving to re- sequences. Shouldn’t people get training for turn to the US, he received a brachah from ANGRY AND marriage as well?” Rav Don Segal, who told him, “You’re going That’s precisely what he has set out to do. to get married quickly.” After training in Eretz Yisrael with a rav With that in mind, he didn’t immediate- known as an expert in shalom bayis issues, ly sign himself into the BMG “freezer.” He FRUSTRATED. Reuven came home and began advising cou- stayed in learning in Beis Yosef Yitz, inspired by his new kollel, decided it was time for him and his ples. Then he translated his rav’s teachings Novardok, which permitted dating. As the wife to raise their religious level. He wanted Shevy to shorten her into a clear, organized system of 24 classes wig and lengthen her skirts. He insisted that they eat only kemach he calls “Marriage Pro.” He put them online yashan. Then he announced that they had to transfer their young and made them accessible to everyone (some son to a more right-wing cheder. for free, and others for a fee that helps defray Shevy, for her part, was seething. “Out of the blue, he starts im- the costs of the project). Having offered this posing a zillion new chumras on me!” she railed. “This isn’t what I program to the community, he’s now expand- signed up for when I got married.” In turn, Yitz was upset that Shevy ing his teachings to dating as well. wasn’t automatically seconding his proposals. After all, isn’t a wife “I felt like I had the recipe, based on Torah supposed to follow her husband’s direction? and ma’amarei Chazal. People who followed Nachum and Suri were having problems of their own. Suri, de- it succeeded in their marriages. The question termined to be the best balabusta, kollel wife and mother, was a became, how could I put it into a format that perpetual motion machine. She rose early to make sandwiches and people can easily understand and digest?” prepare the children for school; at night, she helped her kids with homework, loaded the washing machine, made sure to leave the Convince Me Epstein, a tall, dynamic kitchen spotless, and caught up on work assignments. But Nachum, young husband and father, wears two hats: instead of appreciating her hard work, was spending less and less during the day, he’s an accountant at Ben time at home. “It’s not fair. I do everything around here, and instead Epstein and Associates, a firm in Brooklyn. of helping, he disappears!” she fumed. But Nachum had complaints At night and on Sundays, he puts out his of his own. “Why should I hang around the house?” he asked. “Suri marriage advisor sign, counseling couples doesn’t pay any attention to me, and when she does, it’s always to from Brooklyn to Staten Island and beyond. kvetch about something or yell at me.” He has all the traits that characterize a Can these marriages be healed? Yes, says Reuven Epstein, a good accountant: perspicacious, analytical, 32-year-old accountant from Flatbush who is fast becoming a mar- methodical. But while CPAs are often stereo- riage guru for young couples. “People don’t get enough training for typed as staid, he’s intense and cause-driven, marriage,” he maintains. “A month’s worth of chassan or kallah although quick to lighten up with a boyish classes teach the basic halachos, but they don’t teach people how smile and sense of humor. When we meet to handle their marriages when they hit a bump.” him in his office, he looks fresh and energetic

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E H S A H R IV O A T s A Y N H ER ESIV U S HALAY IM rav had predicted, it was quick — on every which could range from ten minutes to five lack of kesher,” Reuven says. “But you can’t the world won’t help if the therapist doesn’t level. “I got engaged to the third girl I met, hours. just acknowledge that; you have to turn the understand the central tenets of marriage. UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF: on our third date,” he says. While this may Thus began over four years of study under theory into practice. You have to be ready to One of Reuven’s clients came from a home not be the right path for everyone, in his case, Y., during which the rav eventually change. Often even a millimeter of change where both parents were therapists, and Maran Harav Shmuel Kamenetsky Shlita he says, “I just knew.” encouraged Reuven to begin teaching what can produce big changes in a relationship.” knew every buzz word. Yet they fought vi- Rosh HaYeshiva, Philadelphia Yeshiva The newlyweds returned to Eretz Yisrael he’d learned, under his guidance. “That sort ciously and belittled each other constantly. Shlita the following January, where Reuven went of shimush was so important,” Reuven says. Muddled Marriages If today we think Reuven believes that many divorces hap- Harav Aharon Chodosh Mashgiach, Mir Yerushalayim back to the Mir. By Pesach, he’d transferred “For example, if a lady came to me crying, there’s a shidduch crisis, Reuven says, there’s pen because people give up when they see to the Jerusalem Kollel of Rav Yitzchok I learned not to jump in to give her eitzos. a marriage catastrophe. “For regular couples, emotional unhealthiness. There are those Harav Gamliel Rabinovitch Shlita Berkovits, where he’d spend the next four I learned that first she just needed me to shanah rishonah is often a roller coaster. We who come into marriage with a misguid- , Yeshivas Shaarei Shomayim and a half years in the semichah program. “It’s hard listen.” think everyone should be able to wing it, but ed concept of what it’s about, having never “Rabbi Berkovits really wants to produce that’s not how it works out.” witnessed a normal marriage. Some come in who will go into kiruv, and he told me work, but once Stay Connected Now, when a couple Why not? After all, earlier generations with psychological or emotional problems, that,” Reuven says. “At the time, I said, ‘But like Yitz and Shevy come to him, he begins didn’t divorce nearly as much. “Sensitivi- hoping marriage will resolve them. “Mar- my plans are to go into accounting, like my fa- you have that by explaining the basic goal of marriage: to ties are different today,” he ventures. “The riage is not a hospital,” Reuven emphasizes. Rabbi Yosef Y. Grossman ther. If kiruv is such a valuable path, I’m will- create a kesher, a connection, between the internet age moves so fast that five or ten “You cannot succeed if you’re both sick peo- Rosh Yeshiva ing to listen, but you’ll have to convince me.’” connection, spouses. Then he starts talking about the years already creates a generation gap. Peo- ple, each one looking for the other to take Rabbi Berkovits prevailed, and Reuven principles behind a healthy marriage, and ple are very attuned and sophisticated about care of him.” will “ be in the U.S.A. signed on. Upon finishing the program, he all the rest — generally finds that couples will pipe up the latest fads in cell phones, gourmet food, Even in marriages that last, Reuven finds י“ט אדר - immediately received offers forkiruv posi- when he touches a sore spot. That helps him clothing styles, and are bothered when they the most common problem is the lack of From Friday, March 17th ב‘ ניסן - tions. To his surprise, however, instead of money issues, identify the root of the problem and work don’t have the latest and greatest.” Previ- kesher. He explains that the word davek, or Until Wednesday, March 29 pushing him to accept them, Rabbi Berko- family issues, toward a solution. ous generations grew up with a single pizza cling, is used only twice in the Torah: once vits told him, “First get yourself a base in For example, Yitz’s problem is that he failed store; today’s generation chooses between to describe the relationship between man Interviewing bochurim parnassah, and do kiruv on the side.” Today, housework to stay connected to his wife as he made hearth-roasted thin-crust pizza, angel hair and Hashem, and once to describe how a entering Beis Medrash Reuven acknowledges the wisdom of the rosh strides in observance. Instead, he tried to pasta, and sea bass. man should cling to his wife and become kollel’s approach: By training him for a life of issues — simply impose his chumras on Shevy. “Mar- “Young people are exposed to so much one. Man tends to be disconnected in his Coming to learn in Eretz Yisroel kiruv, he prompted Reuven to approach his riage is about two people moving through today, and it creates a lot of unhealthy be- natural state, and connecting to his wife He can be contacted during these dates at: learning with the seriousness of someone become details life side by side,” Reuven says. “If Yitz moves havior,” Reuven says. “Shmiras einayim isn’t ideally teaches him how to relate to Hashem. who expects to teach Torah full time. ahead on his own, even if he’s moving in a just a man’s problem; there are many wom- “That’s each partner’s job in a marriage — to 212-729-8932 It was shortly after beginning at the Jeru- that can be good direction, he’s stepping away from his en nowadays spending hours on social me- become one, to connect, to give without ex- salem Kollel that Reuven approached his rav, wife. His mistake was not bringing her on dia, getting drawn to certain lifestyles and pecting in return,” he says. “It’s hard work, Rabbi Y., a talmid of Rav worked out board. He should have been coming home priorities that aren’t compatible with frum but once you have that connection, all the ztz”l and a maggid shiur in the Mir Yeshiva, between you” when he heard an inspiring shiur and shar- values.” ($3,000 shoes, anyone?) rest — money issues, family issues, house- He can be contacted in Eretz Yisroel at: who was known for his wisdom about sha- ing it with Shevy. Then the chumras would Reuven doesn’t only believe the rise in flash work issues — become details that can be 212-561-5449 lom bayis. Reuven, hoping to maximize his be a shared decision, not a unilateral proc- divorces is a result of young people having a worked out between you.” or 516-833-3389 own marriage, asked if Rabbi Y. could learn lamation.” transient, throwaway approach to relation- Of course, forming that kesher involves with him. Nachum and Suri also failed to maintain ships. “This generation understands what understanding what the other person needs, “Well, I give a weekly shiur,” Rabbi Y. re- their kesher. Suri was so driven to excel in her divorce is all about,” he maintains. “But often and those needs are different for men and sponded. duties that she forgot that her most import- they see unhealthiness and can’t deal with women. Many people don’t even understand “... the Yeshiva that helps every talmid realize his But that wasn’t what Reuven wanted, and ant duty is to maintain a strong connection it. Their parents’ generation worked hard the basic roles of a husband and wife. When personal potential, achieve success in learning, and build he knows how to be persistent. “That’s not with her husband. Nachum, feeling super- to meet basic needs, and suppressed their asked, “What’s your job in your marriage?” his character, creating the foundation for a wholesome, enough for me,” he said. “I want to learn with fluous and ignored, reacted by finding other desires to indulge. This generation takes they tend to give answers like, “I bring in productive, Torah future... by providing a warm, upbeat, you one on one.” people and activities to connect to. If each material ease for granted, and is more emo- the money,” or “I watch the kids and make Rabbi Y. agreed, but under tough condi- would take some time away from their oth- tionally sophisticated. But the good news is suppers.” Instead, it’s crucial to understand inspirational atmosphere; dedicated, caring rebbeim who tions. They had to learn whenever the rabbi er pursuits and focus on each other, the rest that they’re accustomed to the idea of going what each spouse needs on an emotional lev- are both ‘down to earth’ and venerable examples; and was available, be it six a.m. or two a.m. And would fall into place. “When people kvetch, to therapy.” el: Men tend to crave respect and honor, while unwavering faith in the ability of every talmid to grow there would be no set length to their sessions, the underlying problem is almost always a On the other hand, all the psychology in women need to feel loved and appreciated. into greatness...”

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Both partners need to feel the other is agreed to partner with him in presenting of the overall qualities he sought. But Reu- there for them emotionally, and can feel the marriage workshops based on his system. ven counseled the young man that two busy other’s pain and confront challenges in a Videographer Motty Engel came on board people often need some time over Shabbos healthy way. “You know how in some stores to video the classes taking place in attractive to reconnect, and hosting 100 people each the employees wear T-shirts that say, ‘What DATING YOURSELF homes in front of real people. week wouldn’t leave them much room to can I do for you?’ ” Reuven asks. “That’s what Such an ambitious undertaking takes or- grow their relationship. you should be wearing in your mind when Reuven’s dating webinar included many wise tips for those in the ganization and planning. Reuven set about He also cautions daters to keep an eye out you greet your spouse at the end of the day.” parshah. Here are a few: setting himself up as a non-profit organiza- for behavior that may seem unimportant or tion (he himself makes no money outside of even “cute” in the short term, but could spell A Plan Reuven developed his method of Before dating someone, you should first date yourself. In other words, ask yourself the private sessions and speaking engagements). disaster in the long term. A boy who drives counseling based on his learning with Rabbi same questions you’d want to ask a date: Would you want to live in America or Eretz Yis- Determined to approach it with seichel, he fast may be an expert driver, or a reckless Y. He had kept all the notebooks from their rael? Would you like to have a large family? Do you think a wife should work part time, full enlisted successful business personalities person and a showoff; the guy who takes his time together, and knew they were “filled time or not at all? Reuven suggests having five pointed questions prepared for a date be- in the Jewish community to advise him on dates only to lavish places may be generous with solid gold.” Inclined by temperament fore going out, but make sure to know your own answers to them before you start. how to grow an organization and deal with and a bon vivant, or have no sense of man- and training to be systematic, he set about publicity, budgeting, and scaling. He made aging money. “Often extremes mimic each organizing the material into a series of 24 Don’t just focus on selling yourself. “Like a job interview, dating involves both ‘sell’ and sure to identify his target market, which other,” Reuven says. “Confidence and arro- classes he entitled the Marriage Project, ‘prod’ aspects,” he explains. “You have to sell yourself, but you also have to find out if this he describes as “couples who have a growth gance can seem like the same thing, but one which became the “Marriage Pro,” brand. is a good fit that makes sense for you.” mentality.” He crafted an elevator pitch, is healthy and the other isn’t.” “If people take the courses, they receive a and tried to identify the “domino people”— He stresses that getting to the chuppah whole system for understanding marriage. Daters should verify their date’s history, and make sure any questionable items are those key folks who bring in all the others so isn’t the main goal. “The real work starts Once they’ve heard them, they speak my really “history.” In other words, if a person used to drink heavily, is that really behind him the most amount of people can benefit from afterwards.” he says. language, and it puts our conversation on a or her? “Make your history into history,” Epstein cautions. Some indicators of emotion- the program. whole different level,” Reuven says. al health you may want to keep an eye out for include how people deal with their friends, Reuven also began posting shalom bayis Read the Manual Reuven is working Some of the class titles include: “Take Re- how they react to friends’ good news and bad news, and how they deal with adversity. lectures on torahanytime.com, to help drive hard to expand the Marriage Pro project sponsibility for Your Marriage,” “Trust and internet traffic and word of mouth to the and get the word out. He’d like to do more Control,” “I’m Not a Mind Reader,” “Empty- In the short term, he tells daters that the most important issue is whether or not you newly set-up website (www.marriagepro. marriage preparation work, by lecturing in ing Your Emotional Jug,” “Before, During, feel a liking for the person you’re dating. “If the two of you have nothing in common, if you co). About two months ago, he expanded seminaries and yeshivos to young people and After a Fight,” “Emotional Allergies and just don’t like him or feel any connection, that’s hard to change later,” he advises. “You’ll his platform to live webinars for daters and ready to date. His “Date Like a Pro” program Love Knots,” “Daily Temperature Read and end up like the couples who tell me, ‘I love my spouse, but I don’t like him (or her).’” dating mentors. So far, the feedback has been is now available on his site. Care Bank,” and “Practical Ways to Maxi- enthusiastic. One participant wrote that it Reuven, who is also a rebbi in Ohr Yitzchok mize Your Marriage.” For longer-term dating, he advises making three separate lists of things to look for in a made him realize that dating with no focus yeshivah in Brooklyn and works with Rabbi Along the way, he received help refining spouse: non-negotiable needs (e.g. must be willing to accept a chinuch lifestyle), negotia- or direction is “like taking all your money Zechariah Wallerstein at Ohr Naava Wom- his ideas and building a plan of action. Upon ble “wants” (would prefer a family in klei kodesh), and “would be nice” (tall, short, sense of you own and investing it with some stranger en’s Torah Center in Brooklyn, is currently his return to the United States, he and his humor, etc.). “Focus on the things that will make a long-term difference in your life,” he that you don’t know and have no idea what busy working on a guidebook for married wife moved to Staten Island, where he took says. he will do with your money.” people about the halachos of marriage, sched- a position at the New Springville Jewish He’s now in demand for dating talks. He’s uled to print after Pesach. It addresses the Center in Staten Island under Rabbi Nate Sometimes the best way to get a feel for someone is not to ask direct questions, but to finding that some folks aren’t clear about subject on three levels, from beginner basics Segal. During their three years there, Re- create a real or fictional straw man. For example, a young man who wants to know how his what they’re really looking for, like the through the development of each halachah uven developed a relationship with Rabbi date really feels about living in Eretz Yisrael could casually relate a story about a married young man who turned down shidduch af- in the Gemara, following with various piskei Yehuda Kovacs and his wife Basya, both of friend’s experience living there, and see what type of reaction it provokes. ter shidduch because he was convinced he halachah in difficult cases that show the dif- whom had taught communication skills to only wanted a wife willing to host 100 peo- ferent she’ilos and shittos. A second book on couples. The Kovacs’s had both worked for Even certain professed long-term goals should be evaluated for their true meaning. ple every week for Shabbos. After speaking shalom bayis is also in the works. With all Shalom Task Force — Basya was the direc- “Take a guy who wants to be in Chaveirim or Hatzolah,” Reuven says. “What’s his moti- with him, Reuven teased out that what he these resources, surely Yitz and Shevy — and tor of Shalom Workshop, and Yehuda taught vation? Is he attracted by the lights and sirens, or does he sincerely want to help people? really wanted was a very capable, balabus- countless other couples — will find the help many chassanim—but the organization had If his motive is l’Sheim Shamayim, it won’t cause a marriage to suffer. The litmus test is if a ta type who could cheerfully pull offsheva they need to detangle their sources of stress. since closed the workshops. Shalom Task wife really needs help but her husband runs off to change someone else’s tire.” brachos or a big seudah at a moment’s After all, when all else fails, it always pays Force’s loss was Epstein’s gain, as the couple notice; he’d focused on one criterion instead to read the manual. —

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