The Purchase
ISSUE 89 The Purchase A NOTE FROM THE CHIEF EDITORS Independent By Steven Tartick and Bill Reese Chief Editors: In April of 2004, former Independent editor Bill Reese Erica DeMott announced that she was stepping down. Steven Tartick The same night that I found out that Steven Tartick and I Back Page Bitch: would be running this paper this year, I went to a party Kait Sudol and announced it to my friends. Graduating producer- Crack Team: extraordinaire Steve LaRocca came up to me and gave Emily Farrell me advice I'd never forget. Mark Schroeder "Dude, that's totally awesome... Just Don't Robert Stewart-Rogers Fuck It Up." Sable Yong We are proud to say that a year and 25 issues Business Manager: later, we have definitely not fucked it up. This year has Alice Gullotta been an experience, one that has been as trying as it has Writers: been rewarding. We have had ups, downs, disasters and Joel Christian Ballezza triumphs. Most importantly, we have revived a dying pub- Melinda Centi lication and have brought it to new heights. Most impor- Bill Reese tantly, Steven and I have built a working partnership and Starr and Jade a friendship that makes us want to show up every week Kait Sudol and make newspapers. We spend countless hours in our Steven Tartick new office every week and we do this job because we Artists: love it. Peter Grzymkowski Now, we could just be talking out of our asses, Bel Sultan but here's a little list of things we did this year: Jack Trades The Purchase Independent - We got the newspaper out every Thursday for 25 is a non-profit newspaper, paid consecutive weeks. Most weeks we were out as early for by the mandatory student activity fee. as Wednesday nights, entertaining people at the Pub The Purchase Independent welcomes letters from the read- with early editions. ers. We are an open forum for campus issues and comments - We started the Indy Subscription Service and about the Independent’s cover- signed 100 people up for a free subscription in their a g e . The deadline for letters to mailbox every week. be considered for publication in - We switched to color ink on our front pages, and the following issue is Tu e s d a y s they do is read the back page. We've published over 100 at midnight. After that, you must used it to highlight one of our new staples, the bribe us with candy. authors, a dozen artists and hundreds of personal ads. The editors reserve the right comics section, which has been incredibly success - We have tried our best to become a relevant document in to edit the letters for clarity. ful. Publication of letters is not this campus' culture, and I think that we have succeeded. g u a r e n t e e d , but subject to the - We opened our new office in Campus Center North discretion of of the editors. If you don't believe us, you can ask the student govern- Advertising space in T h e and left our doors open for anyone to come on in and ment, who awarded us with their award for Most Independent is free. As space is say hello. limited, The Independent cannot Outstanding Service, a category which includes the guarentee immediate publication - We attracted over $200 in advertisements and will of ads. Editors will determine Alternative Clinic, PTV and WPSR just to name a few. which ads go in based upon their do more next year. timeliness. Outside advertisers Both Steven and myself will be back for a second year, - To reach a wider audience, we created an are also welcome. and now that we've fixed all of the kinks in our systems, Event listings are also free of Independent personality on MySpace and linked the charge. To list an event either we will be better than ever. We are a huge part of this call or e-mail The Independent. site to online PDFs of recent issues. We prefer that submissions campus, and we're not going anywhere but up. come to us electronically. Our e- - We worked with the PSGA to buy new technologies mail address is: to create a better future for campus publications long P u r e c h a s e I n d y @ G m a i l . c o m Sincerely, You can also leave material in after we graduate. the Student Government off i c e , Room 1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container Plain and simple, we do this because we love it. nailed to the wall outside our o ffi ce, CCN 1011 . We love the responses we get from people, even if all Our office is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever we’re working, we leave the doors open and encourage peo- ple to come in and say hello. Our o ffice hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and Wednesdays at 4:00 pm. The opinions expressed in T h e Purchase Independent are not necessarily those of the staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA. The content printed in the Independent and subse- quent pull-put sections is the responsibility of the authors, not the editors. The Backpage is satirical, and should not be taken literally. F i n a l l y, no anonymous sub- missions will be considered r a t h e r, they will be put on the floor of Thomas Schwarz’ o ff i c e for his dog to pee on if the pres- ident forgets to walk him.
P u r c h a s e I n d y @ g m a i l . c o m 2 CAFÉ CASHIER BY DAY, dollars in artwork and you don’t want the muse- u m ’s future in the hands of just anyone.” MUSEUM SECURITY GUARD Semidey was proud to say that the museum’s Starr and BY NIGHT supervisor told her she was hired because of jade speak By Melinda Centi her striking personality. “She said ‘We need someone like you to run the place,’ and I’ve Starr and Jade are The Independents resident been doing it for the past four years.” drag-queens, here to give their patent advice/heels Upon walking through the door of the Semidey’s duties involve supervising to anyone who needs it/them. If you have a ques - Ritazza Café at Campus Center South, the tion to ask, just email it to purchaseindy@gmail, the other security guards, greeting customers pungent aroma of Irish Cream and Colombian unless it’s a personal sex request. Just stop by the Supremo smothers your senses. After wading at the front desk, and making sure everything is Farside bathroom for that. in order. She currently works at the museum through the crowd you are greeted by a petite DearStarr and Jade: woman wearing bright crimson lipstick nestled on the weekends, and comes in whenever they are short-handed. Semidey works six days a behind a display of cannolis, biscotti, and week for at least 40 hours between the Ritazza I”ll be subletting over the summer in Brooklyn, cheesecake. should I be worried? Café and the Neuberger Museum. “My jobs “Hey baby, how you doing? Ginger -Home Away From Homo peach tea, no problem,” says Iris Semidey as are so different, but that’s what I like about them. In the café, I get to interact more with the she swipes the Homo, More Card ID of a students. T h e y Honey Child, you is screwed. As some really keep me going. smart bitch said a long time ago, they is only student ordering two reasons to go to Brooklyn- 1, you live in their afternoon In the museum it’s more stress at Brooklyn, or 2, you fuckin’ someone who live in c a ffe ine boost. Brooklyn. Now, we ain’t eva fucked anyone times and you Semidey has who lives their (not even we that nasty!) how- deal more with been a cashier at eva, we did go see the musical BKLYN on the Ritazza Café the upscale folks Broadway. If the place if half as shitty as the in the area.” for almost three show was, you’ze in for a world of pain. Good years. Students luck! Semidey enjoys are greeted by Dear Starr and Jade: S e m i d e y ’s smile both of her jobs e q u a l l y. She and hospitable What is the meaning of life? nature every time appreciates the -Pillowman(LJ) atmosphere of they walk in for their usual cup o’ the museum and Damsel, being surrounded joe or become To fuck on Easter tempted to consume a delectable pastry. by such amazing art. “You meet a lot of interesting people Dear Starr and Jade: What many students do not know about their usual cashier is that she got her including artists and some of the buyers at spe- cial functions the museum holds. Sometimes I Should I move in with my girlfriend? We have start at Purchase College working as a securi- been dating for about a year, and are wonder - ty guard at the Neuberger Museum of Art. Not feel like I get paid to go to a party.” Semidey ing whether now is the time to make the next spends most of her hours at the Ritazza Café long ago, Semidey use to earn a living working big step. Thanks! as a cab driver, when one day she met a pas- where she says every second there is enjoyed. - Young in Love “Over here, we’re a family. Everyone gets senger that changed her life. “I picked up this Love, lady at the Consumer Reports building in along, and the students help keep me young.” “Sometimes all the work catches up Is you outta yo fuckin’ mind?!? There is only Yonkers and just started asking her all these to you, but I love being here. I wouldn’t change one reason to move in with yo girlfriend, if you questions. She told me about this security wanna destroy your fuckin’ relationship. Do a thing.” As Semidey packages a slice of company called A l l i e d - S p e c t r a G u a r d , and I you really wanna have to look at her face every was hooked. I needed a change and I knew cheesecake for a customer, the two begin chat- fuckin’ morning, as soon as you wake up? ting. “Como estas chiquita? Ok baby, you have this was my chance.” Every goddamn morning?!? She’ll piss you off Semidey then took the necessary a good day.” more than a jackhammer and a hangover. And Whether she is greeting people at the how the fuck will you bring hookers home if steps in becoming a certified security guard your girl lives there too? Think this shit over, through Allied-SpectraGuard. She was imme- front desk of the Neuberger, or taking an order from a student or faculty member at the man. diately hired at the Neuberger Museum on the Ritazza, Semidey’s unique personality and Purchase College campus. “In this field you Love, affectionate nature are sure to benefit the have to be assertive and able to hand the responsibility. You’re dealing with millions of Purchase College community in many ways. S t a r r a n d J a d e HAIL FATHER ON THE ROAD TO SALVATION A FILM BY DAVID KAVANAUGH
AT EVAN LOUISON'S JUNIOR RECITAL THURSDAY MAY 5. 8PM ORCHESTRAL REHERSAL HALL RM 0081 MUSIC BLDG.
P u r c h a s e I n d y @ g m a i l . c o m 3 THINGS DON’T JUST HAPPEN ably the mail that continues to arrive daily. itics. Many painstaking details must be By Joel Christian Ballezza Jennifer got two letters the day she heard the cleared up before Joey gets home. Some are news. This deferred voice will continue for the miniscule, others are more significant like next few weeks, probably even after the cere- wood or metal. In case something like this ever hap- mony is over. Joey’s friends try to help his Stories prove the best distractions pened Joey affixed a letter to the underside of now. A few photos help, but they could not pos- J e n n i f e r, his financé’s dresser. The night sibly explain the content of his character. before he left he told her where it was, just in Everyone asks themselves how they got there- case. The letter had layers of tape that how they met Joey, or what he was like grow- attached it, a hallmark of Joey’s crude gift- ing up. Precise events unfolded that shaped wrapping abilities. each of our lives and while some decisions Joey had wanted this for years. were casual, their implications were neverthe- When he was a child he would crawl through less profound. the woods for hours simulating the adventures For Joey it didn’t just happen. Things that he saw himself one day experiencing. This don’t just happen. A very specific series of passion and determination never eroded with events occurred to create this end result. age. When he was old enough, he joined. Leaders make judgment calls. People pick Maybe Joey’s earlier family life con- sides. We each make decisions. While the tributed to this desire to go, or his financial sit- details are still sparse, the end result is definite uation, or his care for his brothers. It was as if and devastating. The world changed just a few he had trained for this his entire life, and for the days ago, which now seems like a period of first part was stationed elsewhere so that now weeks. We each learn to deal with it. that he had a chance, he went. Joey did have “I can’t write anymore, it’s getting too Jennifer now and that was probably the tough- dark,” ended one of Joey’s last letters to est part. He had loved her for more than half Jennifer, dated two weeks ago. his life. Early on he demonstrated this devo- Marine Corporal Joey Tremblay, my tion when in grammar school in the middle of friend since grammar school, died from his the night he rode his bike miles to her house. wounds after his Humvee was hit by a road- When Jennifer opened her window to talk with side bomb on Tuesday, April 26th 2005. He him, her mom was alerted. The young Jennifer was a exceptional and dedicated 24 year-old, scrambled to find an excuse for the open win- father around the house but after the trash is however his story is not unique. As of his dow and blamed it on “hot flashes”. Joey’s taken out and the flag is hung, they all just sit passing there were one-thousand five-hundred love for her never wavered despite time and around searching for trivial topics to discuss and eighty-two other stories like his. often distance. like recent construction projects and town pol- One of the harder parts now is prob-
W H AT KIND OF SCHOOLIS THIS? said, "ha." I liked this guy less every minute. "I my friends had paid this guy to stop me. By Kait Sudol said you don't have to lie to me." Whoever did it was going to receive a scalding "No, I really don't." hot bath as soon as I got my hands on the tea "Yeah, right. You're a college kid and I was still craving. No one was in sight, howev- I was blearily stumbling towards you don't drink." er. This guy was serious. campus from my apartment in the New. All I "I really don't! I mean, other people "We don't really have a lot of sports wanted was a cup of tea and maybe ten min- on campus do, but I don't. Sorry." I adjusted teams," I said. utes to myself before my class started. "Oh, so just football and--" This grand plan did not involve stop- "We don't have a football team." That ping as some guy shouted, "Hey, are you a actually got him to shut up. For about two sec- student here?" I glanced down. In addition to onds. the books I was carrying and the backpack "You don't have a football team? slung over my shoulder, I was wearing a What is this, some kind of faggy pansy Purchase College hoodie. school?" "Yeah," I said in what I hoped was an "Well, now that you mention it..." I ironic way. In retrospect, it was probably twice started to say, but he didn't hear me. He was as sleepy as it was snarky. too busy muttering to himself about wasting his "Do you like it?" he asked. I was a bit time at some stupid shitty arts school and startled. I had been expecting a question about chasing after the group, probably so he could which way the PAC was, but a glance behind yank his son out of it and head to some him at the tour group going into the library and respectable school where alcohol poisoning suddenly everything made a little more sense. and football games skipped along hand in "Yeah," I said. "I like it a lot." hand and punched in the faces of anyone who "You can tell me the truth," he insist- made the requisite gay joke. I was torn ed, rolling his eyes. How presumptive of him, I between feeling badly for Jackass though. McJerkinson Jr. and praying that he didn't "No, I really like it." my books, trying to send silent signals that I come here. I wouldn't want to embarrass him "Yeah, sure," he said. "Do you do a needed to get out of there. I should have by beating his father senseless with a tea-filled lot of partying?" known better than to be subtle. travel mug in public, because from now on I "Um..." I glanced longingly towards "All right, all right," he said. "What was getting up five minutes early and making Ritazza, where my future cup of tea was wait- about sports? How are your sports teams?" the tea myself. No amount of caffeine was ing. "No, I don't party too much, mainly This had to be a joke. I glanced around, won- worth that much bullshit. because I don't drink." dering if I was on candid camera or if one of "Ha!" He didn't laugh, he actually P u r c h a s e I n d y @ g m a i l . c o m 4 Fine, don’t come to my lunches, I’ll knock down your fucking woods. / The Purchase Independent Proudly Presents
Giving an extra minute to those who have already used their fifteen.
Best LJ Bitch The Peter Griffin Award The Thanks, But No Thanks Fight That Chartwells Award Jesse Lehrer vs. guy who Interfaith Spiritual We l l n e s s Everyone Else works at the Week Leave it to an extrem- Pub Sorry, guys, but us abortion-loving, gay- ist vegan that may or worshipping, condom-using, promiscuous You must admit, may not be featured liberals aren’t interested in your seminars the resemblence naked on a gay porn on creationism and bible-banging. I s n ’ t is uncanny site to argue just there a removed feeding tube somewhere about anything with for you people to be protesting? just about, well, any- The Purchase Isn’t Fucking one. Fame, So Stop Bursting Out The God Bless Him, He’s Trying Award Karl Rove Lifetime In Song And Dance In The Dining Hall Award Rocco Pasafume Achievement Award Oy, Rocco. Oy. Adam Weissman The Male Dancing Majors Before he was silenced by the gay mafia, You can’t act like divas until you have a no. Mr. Weissman dished out right- wing rheto- 1 album and a cocaine addiction. One out ric that would have made even Ly n n of two ain’t bad, but it still isn’t good Cheney blush. He is also the honorary enough. founder of Phi Alpha Gamma, the campus’ unnoficial gay fraternity. The Upper Class A n a r c h i s t Award Walter Adler It’s not easy trying to overthrow the US Government from an Upper West Side Apartment with a door man.
The Silent Treatment Award WPSR Our student radio station gets the silent treatment because it keeps making noise, Best Play but there isn’t a goddamn person paying Niggerback attention With its stellar performances, gasp-induc- The “I totally fucked over the The Where ing sets, riveting dialogue, and action- entire student body by over- packed direction, it comes as no surprise spending $25,000 on a Shitty Are They Now Aw a r d ? that “N i g g e r b a c k ” nabs this categories Culture Shock without any award. Maybe if the people behind “The Ray Roy regard to the consequences” Green Bird” and “All’s Well...” had worked a After losing his Award little harder, things would have turned out presidential bid Alec Reinstein differently. Well, at least he has a promising rap career by over 200 ahead of him. votes, presiden- In Memorium tial bid, very few The Record(2003-05) have seen Ray The “I’m Not Gay” Award Purchase insomniacs were devastated ear- Roy and lived to Billy Prinsell lier this semester when the only thing that the tell. Rumor has it he has transformed That pair of teeny underwear with the rain- could put them to sleep, The Purchase himself into digital form and stalks the bow waistband is totally fooling everyone, Record, disbanded. They have since start- woods of GTA : San Andreas as the dude. P.S.-Call me. ed attending Lisa Keller lectures Sasquatch. Peter Grzymkowski T h e P u r ch a s e P E R S O N A L S N A M E: Kristen I N T E R E S T S: Going to the gym, L O O K I N G F O R: Horny college MAJOR: pain in the ass A G E: 19 finding a guy to joke and smile with N A M E: sh k i d s . Looking For: rebound sex G E N D E R: Female T U R N - O N ’ S: A guy that has confi- A G E: 19 I N T E R E S T S: Making my body INTERESTS: looking like a echo, letting people have sex on badass, and having people believe M A J O R: Undecided dence and intelligence G E N D E R: girl me. Hating Thomas Schwarz. it LOOKING FOR: Either for friend- T U R N - O F F ’ S: Smoking of all kinds LOOKING FOR: boy/girl T U R N O N s: Ti c k l i n g TURN-ONs: Butch ship, dating, relationship A I M: T B e l l o 8 4 M A J O R: music TURN OFFs: Being Moved TURN OFFs: immature I N T E R E S T S: Music, T V. , I N T E R E S T S: singing and playing C R A Z I E S T P L A C E Y O U ’ V E E V E R douchebags Screenwriting, Movies N A M E : Rada and dancing and forests and vege- H O O K E D U P: On the campus mall FAVORITE PORNO: porno? How for the last 30 years. bout the hot sex scene from better TURN ONS: Blue Eyes A G E 2 0 tarian food and music and songs A I M : 2 L G F o r m s than chocolate? TURN OFFS: egotistical people G E N D E R F e m a l e and pj harvey and hope for a gold- CONTACT INFO(AIM, EMAIL, or AIM SCREENNAME: kc12286 M A J O R: a great fan of the parcan. en summer and patty griffin and jeff NAME: Patches PHONE): [email protected] LOOKING FOR: a girl who is not buckley and and and and... AGE: 18 N A M E: SensitiveLover f a t NAME: kelley maria GENDER: female A G E: 18 o r AGE: 19 G E N D E R: Male t o o Looking for that special someone? MAJOR: none L O O K I N G F O R: Female LOOKING FOR dudes and bros/ a M A J O R: New Media The Independent is proud to present another installment of Purchase Personals, your new college to attend I N T E R E S T S P h o t o g r a p h y, one-stop spot for the campus’ hottest singles. Feel free to contact any of the interst- INTERESTS: teamkickedoutawe- some, kevy and been leigh Cuddling, Giving backrubs... ing prospects below, or submit your own personal! To be a featured single, simply TURN-ONs: ela, indeciciveness TURN ONS: being yourself email your information to [email protected]. Feel free to include a pic! Be TURN-OFFs: anyone who isn't T U R N O F F S: Close-minded people sure to check out a new batch of our finest next week! awesome FAVORITE BOOK... Too many to FAVORITE PORNO: when spiders choose from s k i n n y. Who is very hot T U R N - O N : chokers and corsets. attack: PC campus. MAJOR: Women Studies... no no CONTACT INFO(AIM, EMAIL, or A I M - chenzog N O T BI ! and has experience in the just being genuine with ease. pretty seriously, DT PHONE): aim kelleymariaaa lesbian sex department. Must have boys. boyish pretty girls. LOOKING FOR: Women who like N A M E: Lowell confidence and a hell of a booty. E - M A I L: [email protected] short guys NAME: Patches A G E: 19 Seriously I want a girl who will be INTERESTS: music, guitar, adult GENDER: Male M A J O R: Dramatic Wr i t i n g my wifey so I can treat her right all N A M E: Xandrone swim, theater, movies, AGE: 18 sunglasses, psychadelic episodes, MAJOR: DT and Womens Studies G E N D E R: Male night :0 ) A G E: Still covered in styrofoam and YOU LOOKING FOR: A Woman LOOKING FOR: Female who’s kind I N T E R E S T S: Sex, Drugs and JD! p e a n u t s TURN ONs: a taste for white rus- INTEREST: Body building, you, and occasionally chips in for gas. TURN ONS: Glasses that looks G E N D E R: Interchangeable parts sians and a love for lying, guitar, and video games Quirkiness is appreciated cute on a girl, tight booty, and now avaliable! The Who. nice and down to earth. TURN-ONs: Incubus, white rus- I N T E R E S T S: movies, concerts, moaning, kissing and handcuff s . LOOKING FOR: New Model TURN OFFs: a taste for diet pepsi sians, futurama, and you! and a love for TURN-OFFs: emo music, pepsi, eclectic music (alternative, punk, TURN OFFS: Smelly coochies. Fembot, eyes must be red, taking back sunday. bitchy and lik- reality tv, and men! and some emo), chilling FAV SONG TO KNOCK BOOTS glowing/black, cold ing to dance. FAVORITE PORNO: I'm afraid it's T U R N - O N S: sense of humor; fake TO: Avant- When we make love M A J O R: Systematic Favorite song to knock boos to: back door sluts nine I D s because Im soo romantic Analysis/Extermination of Humans Foo Fighters - CONTACT INFO(AIM, EMAIL, or T U R N - O F F S: pretending to be nice A I M: Onstage571 ( N a t . S c i . ) Everlong PHONE): Aim- Whipsockle Contact info: AIM: Whipsockle to someone then bashing them on I N T E R E S T S: Isaac A s i m o v, NAME: linz livejournal; visible ribcages N A M E: Wa n d e r e r Television Snow, Fax Name: Karaxix GENDER: somewhere in between IF I WERE AN OSCAR MEIER A G E: 18 in a few days Machines, The Printing Press, Gender: Male AGE: ancient wise one W E I N E R: I’d hang out with vegetari- G E N D E R: Male Kraftwerk, Human Age: Undead MAJOR: poli sci a n s LOOKING FOR: Female A n a t o m y, Hard-Unfeeling-Steel Looking For: Alliance to eat LOOKING FOR letters and sodas Major: Priesthood Interests: drives, revolution, non- AIM NAME: Blayde85 M A J O R: Undecided BIGGEST TURN-ON: Logic, Hobbies: Mining and Engineering elitist intellectuals, chill people I N T E R E S T S: Instant messaging, Hydraulics, Buzzsaws Turn ons: Alliance corpses, Arcane TURN-ONs: brilliant girls who sit in N A M E: Te r e s a m e s sage boards, talking on the BIGGEST TURN-OFF: Crystals, intellect the front of class & sometimes A G E: 20 phone, anime, comic books, sci-fi/fan- Compassion, Flesh, Zombies TURN OFFs: Alliance zerg rushes, share their profound thoughts with G E N D E R: Female t a s y CRAZIEST PLACE YOU’VE EVER paladins, the Scarlet Crusade the rest of us Q U O T E: “We have choices. Some FAVORITE SEX TOY: goggles TURN-OFFs: apathy, unnecessary M A J O R: History (I want to be a HOOKED UP: The Matrix EMAIL: [email protected] drama, excessive piercings, loud t e a c h e r ) people like to stand in the rain with- E - M A I L: [email protected] annoying people LOOKING FOR: Male; a friendship out an umbrella. T h a t ’s what it NAME: Jenn FAVORITE PORNO: fox news that may turn into something means to live free.” N A M E: The Henry Moore GENDER: i got me a vagina in the Contact info(AIM, EMAIL, or m o r e … AIM SN: SpyRedaHanzo A G E: 30 mail PHONE): aim - noisyandalone G E N D E R: I got two holes. AGE: 24 Aries: (March 21- April 19) You know Magdalena from There's Something about WHORE-O-SCOPES Sagittarius: (November 22- December 21) Mary? Caucasians and tanning beds... Mm By Emily Farrell, Sable Yong and Mark Schroeder The sensual sensation of mosquito bites throb- mmm, honey. Get the drift? No? Well, then I hear that sound, fuck trying to avoid the poison bing in itchiness can easily be remedied by a hope you enjoy vacuuming skin flakes. i v y, THERE'S A FUCKING BEAR CHASING dab of hydrocortizone. Oh wait... that looks more YOU!!! like... shit, you're fucked. Taurus: (April 20-May 20) What is this shit? I mean, seriously! You call this a horoscope? Virgo: (August 23- September 22) Ah, so many Capricorn: (December 22- January 19) You What's your problem? You must be totally lame. footwear options for summer... you may want to should use the summer to practice walking in Because these things reflect on your existence. think about doing something about that toe fun- stilettos for next year's Fall Ball. Unless you're That's how they work, you know. gus now. Our suggestion: find a foot fetishist. female, in which case donate your stilettos to the Gay Youth of America shoe drive. Gemini: (May 21- June 20) Your whole vacation Libra: (September 23- October 22) Tired of is going to be full of sugar plums and sexy Asian sweaty thighs rubbing against each other in them Aquarius: (January 20- February 18) Say your men. Daisy Dukes? Why not pull on a pair of Old Navy tearful goodbyes this week but fear not: there is bermuda shorts, now just $19.99! always [tehfacebook]. Cancer: (June 21- July 22) Going to spend any time at the beach this summer? May we suggest Scorpio: (October 23- November 21) This sum- Pisces: (February 19- March 20) Our vision is a Brazilian wax? mer you're gonna have some fun in the sun and getting cloudy. Venus is showing us her boobs. get laid in the shade. Just don't leave stool in the Leo: (July 23- August 22) "Rawr." When you pool. P u r c h a s e I n d y @ g m a i l . c o m 7 I n d Teh e pP u rec h ans e d e n t
I SPEND $50,000 AND FOUR P LAN B I ZZLE I N DA SHI ZZLE **GAYS IN SPACE!** BORING YEARS IN PURCHASE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID I’M NOT AN ADDICT, IT’S THE CLIT C O M M A N D E R, GENIUS DEGREE... WAIT... FUCK! FINE, BA B Y, THAT’S A LIE I’LL GET IT IN JANUARY. I Fell 4 U l ast semester & I ’m so Fuck It Dear Beer Can, He’s not eating my cookies or much prettier than your I Love you so much I lost my scheming with my woman gag reflex. Gimme a sip. girlf riend, so fuck you. Love, Inappropriate P.S. - R U int erested? That is the smell of community billing! Anh? J-5-1 : Your escalator is broken!
C . J. IG GS I N G TO N, BE MY N E XT H-5-1 I don’ t usual l y do thi s, but D O O R N E I G H BO R F OR E V E R . SEE Thanks for making our what the hel l : To the wi nona Y OU AT 3. A M ! lives so much brighter. r yder l ook i ng gi r l i n R , F& P , L O V E, I G GS Jaych-51 love whose name i s I bel i eve - j-5-1 Al l egr a - you’ r e cute and have a ni ce body. And you’ r e avai l - abl e? I f so, maybe you can MANSCAPING hel p me tr eat my debi l i tati ng it’s the only thing that’s going on al l er gy to l onel i ness. :- ) Seasons crash into each other J. Go ld .. . I k now yo u ate my like two virgins in love. gree n apple!! P TV should fire the jerk w ho played the same movie all I know you bitches are graduat- w eekend. So, the short little Mexican ing, but I will always ha ve girl who can’t say jewelry J o u r n e y, the mexican, too much says that Express is hiring... oxygen in the room, check out and NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! jojo, and my car in the impound lot. I love you ladies. financial aid can blow my ass (lit’really) Oh christ, o-daw g , you really ARE a gold star lesbian. we were g on na g et p or n. .. bu t shake what your momma gave ya. it cos te d m ore . . . What time is it? YO PURCHASE Guess what Vi nny? It's DOOM O'CLOCK! GOOD RIDDANCE BSB is officially dead. SORRY! Most of the kids who run the j a c k i e : I’m A Golden Graham!! you r bod y is a w ond erland . print shop are assholes!!! and what could be better?!?!?! - p a t CRACK DEAN 4 LIFE MARCELLO! Congrats! If you don't like "crunk" get FUCK THE HATERS TRUST NO ONE We drive to your condi- the fuck out of Farside, cause ment covered future! WE RE LIVING IN A323 NEXT -Chris, Dan, Eric, Andrew it should be called Crunkside. YEAR SOMETHING, SOMETHING I GOT A BAD DISEASE GO ALEX! S E A T I T S ! I LOVE Y OU - D AIS HA T o w h o e v e r s a i d I w a s h o t : I LIKE THE ACTORS. N O D AISH A THEY’RE BACKSTABBING I L OVE YO U! T h a n k s ! H e r e ' s a d o l l a r . SONS OF BITCHES... “ S.S . U S!” - B a n d a n a G i r l BUT THEY’RE FUN “M EMP MEM P” BACKSTABBING SONS OF COM IN G TO A DO ORF RAM E N EA R YOU snuggle fest 2k5 B I T C H E S .