To The Man I Showed My Love and Care

When he told me that he loved me and showed me he was keen, Fugue State of Mind He started out all caring but quite soon he’d become so mean, I have found myself When I look back at why I fell for him or why I let him into my life, I gave him all my love, care and attention but in return he’d give me strife, So very far from home Tangled in the arms of strangers To the man I showed I loved and cared, You hurt me, you broke me, you left me impaired, Screaming in the dead of night Floating in some random persons swimming pool Had I done something wrong to deserve this, doubts kept arising in my head, Where there was supposed to be love and compassion, this was replaced with pain and dread, I have tried to find myself In the bottom of every bottle All the fantasies of my soul mate, my happily ever after, You became the one who stole my smiles and all my laughter, The butt of every cigarette To the man that I showed l loved and cared, That ever kissed my lips I grew tired of your anger, I prayed to be spared, I have looked for answers There were nothing left to smile about, no mutual love or respect, In the bloodstained broken glass You did not show me honour nor did you protect, I’ll write a poem On the edge of every blade What did I do to you that warranted such hate? I have followed lines and painted patterns in I’ll write a poem for the lonely Always trying to control me, trying to manipulate and intimidate, The ones who are left behind Every backroom bathroom stall in town The ones who didn’t feel loved As choirs sang so fucking constantly You were not gentle nor kind nor true, whom the world was never kind With broken ribs and bitten lips but what grew clear was that I did not deserve you! I’ll write a poem for the oppressed You were the one who was supposed to make me feel protected, Whose voices were never heard I have died Their mind sang like a babbling brook But like a disease, you had me infected, But they never said a word One hundred deaths Until the day I mustered up the courage to leave, I’ll write a poem for the old And I did it all in search of sanity This day I felt not bereaved but reprieved and finally relieved ! For the dreams they once had And I’d do it all again For the changes they have seen So to the man I showed I loved and cared, Whether they be good or bad This bewildered wandering No longer can you hurt me nor make me feel scared! I’ll write a poem for our children In their shiny filled days of wonder Mirrored reflections in their eyes Of the days when we were younger I’ll write a poem for you and me Of this crazy paved path we tread For all sun spangled dreams And fallen schemes For the very life we’ve led When a Soul Crumbles The lights can go out on anyone, Near or far, safe or endangered We will never understand how beacons Can be extinguished by betraying brains That churns up memories and nostalgia Into debris and dust of reminiscences all at once and suddenly, Nor obliterate the desire to live and shine half asleep with Or force the fear of living upon your soul and mantra sunlight Cruelly letting the demons puff words petals on Into empty spaces of despair the side of the table That lies like thieves in your pockets a coffee cup? Removing the breath from your lungs all at once and suddenly, the rain shook me Stopping brilliant brains from thinking awake Allowing the nihilism to take you the chair was To a destiny that is desolate torn and my heart kept And leaves paths of destruction in its wake stopping and starting No blame to give, only sadness all at once and suddenly, Bound by ribbons of ‘what ifs’ you weren’t there on the step And confetti of ‘if only’ We live in the present now from the church where you kept flowers in Faced with a future of memories that fade your pocket Like sands of time on hourglasses I could only wish you’d allowed your own To fall to the bottom as nature intended And not stop it before it had reached its full potential

Wasting Life WARD 19 The feeling of hate sits deep inside me, My heart has gone away. Serenity’s Harmony as I watch the world trundle on around me. I hear its beat on the snow. There is no window. The sound of an ear-deafening silence, Life is hard- Life is tough. Blood is hotter than central heating The tone of a singing nightingale, Harder than this, people won. within this white box. And the slow lapse of the leaves, I eat lithium and vitamins. Routine arrival of paper Sit down beside me tell me how you feel soufflé cup, soufflé cup. And a bird in the nested eaves. Is it just me or does this not feel real? Pupils recline lazily, revealing their grey Sitting down just makes me think whites, forgetting the cold for a while. A place where all were happy and young, My body stocks on pills pills pills. And songs where could still be sung, The horror and the trauma of this loss There is nothing to think about. And there’s midnight’s all a glimmer, The loss of time, writing this poem right now, The dressing gown stops at my knees, paper and see-through. I could be God, swaying in the nonchalant flows of His toga. And evening full of linnet’s wings. The loss of life, feeling like I can’t succeed. A paper room can cut as well as a blade if it’s done right. Maybe I can’t, maybe no one can My heart slows on the snow. It is what we call peace Life is just a game There is no window. Pulling the wrinkled bed sheets over my head, It is beauty never seen We just need to survive I am not even a ghost. It is joy never spoke Survival of the fittest, who will drop first? There are no eyeholes. It is asleep and yet to awake. Drinking alcohol to quench your thirst, You will not last, neither will the drugs Peace, which everyone hope to achieve, Just take them and watch the earth spin by as you are back to where you first started And we shall have peace, For peace comes in dropping slow, What’s the point anymore? And peace flow in glowing eternity. We all know the game Maybe I can end it fast and we can forget the name There is peace, peace! Where humans lay, Or maybe I’ll just leave it and ride the storm Unite with one another, The stormy oceans, with the hazy skies And wake the sleeping peace, Why do we wonder about people wasting lives? And mend the broken soul with peace. It’s not clear where to go or what to do #PeacePoetry Maybe it would be different if I was someone new Night approaches. sinuey tethers crawl their chords towards my hands Under Attack Bind me in bands that never untie. Hadleigh Castle My lungs are like an accordion that’s being closed, Test the taut ropes. Then the bloody thing has only gone & froze. Unthinkable. Hadleigh Castle, Don’t you think I’ve already tried, Hither, it comes; Cold with a biting wind slithering through days slathered in slabs of buttery sun “Breathing out through my mouth & in through my nose”?! Juxtaposed with bright yellow buds, flitting between shadows, flirting with the dusk will it? Like England should be sat on the Equator. But in my head, all I can hear is this shrill alarm tone. Bumping into two old friends, Won’t it? Why are members of the public gorping & standing so close?! Bite. Snoods pulled up, woolly hats pulled low, Chew down and chomp the chunks of flesh or Only eye-lines exposed to the bitter morning snap. Oh no… crawl, claw its way into my skin another way. Circumstance no longer binding us. Where’s the feeling gone in my fingers & toes?! Passing time corrupting familiarity. Find me and bind me in dreams, make Now the walls of the room are contracting, The awake quake with A quick catch up Soon they’ll wrap themselves around tightly before tying in a bow. More. Before a physical enactment of timely history, Walking in opposite directions. Does anyone else experience this?! Does anyone else know?! Stand on a northern flank, Looking down to the flood plains. It feels like I’m walking along the bottom of an empty swimming pool, Reign of Darkness Estuarine banks uncompromised in a southern winter desert; Then all of a sudden, its full. My fractured mind Wind and no rain. I’m thrashing, coughing, spluttering, But in my throat is an immovable obstruction… Breaking into a million pieces You, with your haze-lit diorama, Piercing my every thought See a train pass your pastoral like the Essex Serpent, …Drowning in thin air is the ultimate destruction Deflating my existence with your sharp negativity Heading west to Fenchurch My oppressor by day For a day in England’s bustling city. My tormentor by night Submerging the light to let the darkness reign You have captured my sanity and taken my pride Diminished the spark inside my sole No longer can I let you rule I am preparing for battle I am not weak I wish that I was good enough, I am strong and will not be held captive Walking towards every twist and turn, My light will shine again Different In mind body and soul, A beacon of hope I’m wired different, For I know we will clash again, and I will be ready My brain can’t handle what they can, That you can’t hold me down forever Understanding is hard, In every storm there is a break in the clouds where I can find solace until the next thunderclap Cold I felt it slither, Coping is harder, The next strike of lightning Amongst my thoughts and sensations Love is impossible, The pounding rain Oh, Hello Yet try as I do, Let the battle commence once more Old Friend. Be me I dare you, Your touch is as cold as ever, Yet makes me sweat. Just for a day, It’s as though the icy tendrils around my heart Hour maybe just a minute is enough, Never lessened their hold. Defining Belief -a perspective on life’s rat race. Every day is a fight, There is some comfort in your arms. Battle of life, No fight back-you will win this war, A sense of belonging, Come out on top-stronger than before. Familiarity, I battle a lot, Don’t give up-hold on to our life’s Guiding light. As you embrace me. Suicide watch is hard, Illuminating the spiritual darkness-obscuring night. I feel myself falling, But thoughts like mine are a death sentence, It’s coming through the breaking dawn, Almost willingly, Hold on,stay strong exercise that willpower,that will bring you through to morn! So many choices, Into your cold, isolating grasp. Sunrise-shining rays, sky purple streaks,the renewal of creation. Not enough options, Rejoice in a new day,daily miracles, sensations and appreciation. Did you think I missed you? Each day,the promise of a new beginning. I just want… That I missed the doubt, Fresh start; what will this one bring? To be enough, Trust in this God given gift so sing! The self loathing, The pain? To be alive, The sun will come out tomorrow! Maybe I did. To be normal. See my child, look up,tonight the stars will guide you, Sustained happiness gets boring, Twinkling, dancing during dark times,shining through, Makes it difficult to write Belief, that He Above knows the Plan. But with you, the words are on the top of my tongue. To bring you close all the while,mortal man. Reach out grasp His embrace, I’m almost grateful. For He is waiting for you to come first in this race! Except that clawing on my ribcage is annoying. I’d like the warmth back.

Faith Anxiety, my old friend I dare you to bite me. If you left a mark, people would believe me. Dust floats, suspended in blazing sunlight It’s agony feeling pain that people can’t see. Their sympathy hangs that streams through the stained glassed windows. on a technicality. An emotional wound defies explanation. It’s funny how you never notice it Every day you wake me, shake me, break me... I wade through an abyss But it is always there. of negativity and self-doubt. You cripple me and silence me until I can’t Occupational Health Below, the golden font shimmers and basks see who I am looking at. You make me dream up a million catastrophes In the warm, morning glow. that will probably never happen, but you’re clever, you make them feel Every time it happens it gets worse - oh so very real. the precision with which I rage, inwards: But three hours ago it was dark as sin. Some days, I can paint on my smile and I feel happiness like golden You could not see your own hand raindrops, but you’re always there waiting for me. Malingering. Casting my ability to utilise the curse, and ‘pop’ my shell-like skin. In front of your face. suffocating shadows on my light. It’s a foreseeable rubric now, In the dark this room is unforgiving. To be alive, I know the shiver, vomit, the frosty eyes It seems to talk, whisper and groan To be normal. which somehow look out on top of mine. When there is no light. Shapes loom threatening. Smells are sinister. I know my suicidal hunger - I talk to it - I felt, I knew that everything conspired feather out the particles like fur, the blade-like prang To do me harm as I lay awake, which will confer a year or two, onto my expiry date. Watchful yet blind. Broken Routinely I malfunction. And in that blackness I submit But now, in the light, statues gaze benevolently. You broke my heart, to the hospital doors, which say ‘this is it,’ It makes me want to kiss their cool marble feet. You cheated on me, and my own voice tailors off… And that crucifix which signalled my own death, Lies leaving me in the dark, In the light, offers reassurance and redemption. ‘Let it all go’ they seem to say. Now small, now afraid but - The tears run down my face morphing into a sea, I fell down many times in the night. NO! Flooded with audacious strength! I will not Blinded, frightened and senseless. Although the eyes will dry, Bend my volition in your vast palms again - But now I am floating in the bright sunlight. The scars will stay written on my wrist, And carved into my thigh, Along with the little flecks of dust. I am MORE than the vague stream And in my head, all the girls written on a list, of whims and inconsistencies you paint of me! And I am not my condition, though it has conditioned me. I am a speck of dust, Without a purpose or a reason, I will still grapple between illiterate lies The only thing I’m capable of is filling your lust, And through the fog fight on - march to destigmatise And being a victim to your treason, The notion I’m insane! I hope that you never have to feel this pain, Waking up crying, That time old rhetoric! NO! Throwing up your lunch in fear of the gain, I AM the blade, and I slice away the ease Knowing that your body is dying, with which you attribute me to my own disease! Yet still not willing to change, I am a broken soul, After our romantic exchange, I fear my confidence will never be whole,

You broke my heart.