Only One Went Through the Green Door

Butler University Digital Commons @ Butler University Graduate Thesis Collection Graduate Scholarship 2019 Only One Went through the Green Door Rachel Sahaidachny Butler University Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.butler.edu/grtheses Part of the Creative Writing Commons, and the English Language and Literature Commons Recommended Citation Sahaidachny, Rachel, "Only One Went through the Green Door" (2019). Graduate Thesis Collection. 511. https://digitalcommons.butler.edu/grtheses/511 This Thesis is brought to you for free and open access by the Graduate Scholarship at Digital Commons @ Butler University. It has been accepted for inclusion in Graduate Thesis Collection by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Butler University. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Only One Went Through the Green Door ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Poems by Rachel Sahaidachny Only One Went Through the Green Door Poems By Rachel Sahaidachny Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing to the Department of English at Butler University. April 2016 contents Introduction Drawing from the Dark Poems Make 2 i. I cannot drive to her house 4 The Road 7 Roadside with Ditch Flowers 8 Found Relics Near Garage and Water 9 Homeless 10 Self-reflection 11 Receiving a Letter From My Mother, I Remember Her 12 When She Comes to My House I Feel Like Weeping 13 Linda 14 ii. I’ve had enough of death 16 Transatlantic: A Family History 17 An Apparition Brings Vacancy 20 Suryeing the Palm 21 Falling from Her Body 22 Renewal 23 Skin Branches 24 The Scattering Blooms 25 Raptors Fight above the Road 26 The Sky Turns Orange on the Eaastern Side at Twilight 27 Medusa Peers into the Well 28 Defining the Sky 29 What I Really Wanted Was a Garden of Lilacs 30 Matryoshka 31 Through the Lilac's Draping Blooms 32 Keen Dissolve 33 Cloud See Sun 34 Tiamat 35 American Domestic 36 Apple 37 Living with the Alien 38 In A Pool Under No Moon 39 iii. I am no mother 41 The Rosary of Clipped Wings 42 Cave Cricket 43 She and I 44 Childhood 45 Syringa Vulgaris 46 Brown Sky 47 The Rosary of Clipped Wings 48 Mirror Moon 51 For My Mother in the Drain 52 Vivisection 53 I brush my hair to shed the dead 54 Drawing from the Dark —so we said to the somewhat: Be born— & the shadow kept arriving in segments Brenda Hillman, “Equinox Ritual with Ravens and Pines” Lately, at times when I read Plath (The Collected Poems) the poems seem overwritten. The first time I experienced this thought it really shocked me. I wondered what changed—how could I (and why would I) criticize of any of her work? I realized that in some of her poems I was more aware of the effort it took to make the language lovely than of what the poem was saying, as though I was utterly distracted by the spell of it. I considered that the criticism perhaps had more to do with some thread of expectation in my own work—and a worry about my in general melodramatic, and overdramatized inclination. This drive to make things not “boring.” Overwriting is an attempt to escape the personalized, to infiltrate the impersonal space and achieve a “larger than your life resonance,” in effort to communicate the abstract. In my drafts of poems the images sometimes seem obscured by the language: a thickening, a stuttering of the line, a sudden insertion (perhaps leading to a rejection of the poem’s intention), an overdone redundancy of the subject, rather than a declaration. Lavish language for coded work. It’s been a difficult journey to find the lines which contain weight equal to charge and beauty. This is important, because I have a narrative and not just a bunch of tricky or fascinating images. I have something to coax from within. Perhaps I should have been reading more Rich. The quest in my writing poems is to write balanced between the personalized and the impersonal space—to protect the self but use the personal. Ellen Bryant Voight spoke on the persona of the poem, and difficulty of the subjective in the poem versus the individualized when she visited the Efroymson. “Great poems instill some essence of human experience.” She advised: write poems using personal memory and charged language to create the subjective experience, but the i private must be isolated protected. Who is the lens the poem comes through? How do you view the poem separate from the self? The concept is the poem does not disclose self, it discloses experience. Sometimes it takes a lot of writing and fancy lines before a poet can write about experiences without the explicitness of the self. At first I found it very difficult to use I in poems. I was secret, and didn’t want to be shown. Often, in a case for I, the imperative would assert itself on my pages, trying to give the I some directive, or instructions. Years ago when I met Alice Friman and she learned a bit about my narrative she recommended, “write in the third person when it’s difficult to write.” Then, at Conversations, when Ellen Bryant Voight spoke of the personalized poem, she mentioned the same thing, write in third person when the material is personal. I was frustrated, so many of my poems were entirely obscured by high lyricism, and surreality—language and image that I loved, but which I was overusing. What was on the page had a shimmer to it, like a dream—but like a dream it would fade into the obscure. What seemed electric and intensely interesting before was fading into boredom and leaving me utterly dissatisfied with poems. Over the summer at the Squaw Valley Community of Writers Poets Workshop, as Sharon Olds stood in front of us ready to read her poems she said, “Just now the little voice in me was telling me not to do this, that the poems are no good. But then I looked out and saw all of your wonderful loving faces, and I knew I could stand here and read you my poems.” For me it was really incredible to hear someone whose rich and personal poems have been with me through the years admit to the same struggles—it is difficult to face the past, the world, the poems. Over the last year I began writing in the third person, and I developed the narrative of she and I. She and I have ties to reality, but both are also fabrications (from Daisy Fried: “Consider every poem to be a persona poem. None of it is true”), and because of their intimate and haunted ii relationship I found room to use the lyricism I love while giving the poems a clear emotional center and drive that tackled the themes I wanted to explore. Finally, there was a ridge to balance on. Landscape also proved a useful tool to cross the barrier between inside world and outer. Recently in a talk given by Marianne Boruch, she said, “Place is where the writer begins to see.” The details of a place may engage in a subtle shift, and quiet materialization of the inner or outer conflict. The inner-self and the past-self become present through the images. “If it’s not inside person talking to inside person it’s not a poem,” (Donald Hall); existence is a form of art. Consider Yeats’s double gyre: history, thought, and memory entangled with the body, the soul, and senses; the crossing spiral lines—inner and outer world occupy the same space. Each spiral ascends and descends. Poetry crosses both spirals. The consciousness in my poems struggles with the boundaries between the past and the present., treading both realms in a sometimes disorienting desire to allow each to exist at the same moment. At time lines float on the page, unpunctuated, because they are spiraling between intentions and emotions. I write from body and place and attempt to bridge the exterior with the interior. I still remember, when I was young, the first time I ever stood outside, under a sky falling into darkness because of gathering clouds, and I was at the side gate, next to the street. I had to stop and watch, and feel the fizzle of the light rain on my cheeks. There’s a parking lot across the street, so I could see a lot of the sky, and I had this feeling inside—a sudden dissolving of my skin, the outside poured into me, and I wrote a poem. A little lyric about living in that exact moment, and the world pouring in: “The awful daring of a moment’s surrender,” (T.S. Elliot), a pure moment of existence. When I write from place I often sense an unnamed tension, but a sinuous threat prevails in the sense that the place will disappear, and I must write it into existence. Dean Young said, “Songs make sense in terms of ways that are not logical or narrative.” I still engage in surreal images, and lyrical language to draw out the unknown. I might leap away and iii leave a line or scene before it is complete, I might let an image or declaration float, leave some part of the poem to exist between the phrases and the silences. Some might call a poem an interrogation. How do you interrogate a shadow? For me surrealism is not a tool, but a part of the narrative; and I tend toward chaotic movements in the poems—which is not necessarily a strength, and in fact I have worked to negate a lot of the confusion and chaos by finding some anchor to entrench the subject.

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