#6

Behold the face of the new lucky cat

BREAKING NEWS: Editor’s RAY CRIED AGAIN Hello Corner THIS YEAR

Alright dang so the wind is comin’ again and ACHEWOOD HEIGHTS, CA (MWY) — It makin’ blustery days which is all right for no longer changes the behavior of the stock walkin’ around and wonderin’. I think Fall is market, affects the moods of distant dogs, or the best weather for stone cold wondering. fills the many inches of this nation’s opinion You got your head down, feet all crunchin’ columns. That’s right— Ray Smuckles cried on crispy leaves, and bloosh a bluster blows a again, and for the first time in history, it few more past you. Hell of nice. If you want seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Except to get emo you can wear a scarf, but I rock it mine. old-school with just a real crap hoody that At approximately has a crackling MEINEKE TIRES logo nine thirty-two PM on across the chest. I don’t know where I got Sunday the twenty- it...I’m not even sure I got it. But it is usually fifth, I went up the around, and I put it on from time to time stairs to Mr. Smuckles’ when it gets this way, or if there is a late- private bedroom to night car trip. I find a long car trip is made announce the availabil- pretty nice by a thick hoody. Like that towel ity of a number of un- in HHGG. You got to have an accommodat- eaten pizza rolls. As the ing textile if you gonna move on to parts floor throughout much unknown, in vehicles unknown. Your tired of his expansive home’s The crying man, in head got to go on something. I’m just saying, private quarters is happier times I mean this doesn’t matter or anything. carpeted, he did not —EEH detect my oncoming footsteps. Before my hand could knock on his closed door, I heard the unalloyed fits and starts of a man fighting IN THIS ISSUE! back weeps. I paused. The television was on, and almost instantly If Ed E. Haskell had to start over with women I recognized the sounds of the final scene in Braveheart, in which William Wallace is Hans Greckensmer interview eviscerated, famously crying out, (local old German dude) “FREEEEDOM!” The scene was rewound

Erotic Fiction #3—A Terrible and played at least twice before I retreated. Escape Knowing Mr. Smuckles as I do, I was proud to hear that he was working to over- Téodor’s restaurant review come his idiosyncratic inability to watch this Nice Pete’s jealous rebuttal final, harrowing scene. However, I was si- restaurant review multaneously not proud of him for crying so —EEH It Pays To Have Word Ability much about a movie.

The Top Six Lines Which Do Not Appear in Good Literature EEH

1. “You can’t be aware of this hat — please stop, Mr. Grimnel,” said the weathermaid. “Oh, do please stop.”

2. The kangaroo’s unblinking anus leered over the fence at the children’s pool party.

3. Fred Inglesby crammed the head of iceberg lettuce into his wallet and left the room. He wouldn’t give the bitch the satisfaction.

4. Six crullers was all it took — the objet d’art was surrounded by a series of points which defined a hexagon of crullers.

5. The Great Brain, 39, put a pitted black olive on each fingertip, crossed himself, and then slowly, deliberately, walked for- ward into the blur that was Spirit of St. Louis’s hammered steel propeller.

6. Osama bin Laden made his announce- ment, and just like that, everybody in America stood up, quit being American, and sold their dogs. George Bush walked straight to the nearest prison and arrested everyone who did not let him be a pris- oner. The Statue of Liberty jumped from the St. Louis Arch, the walls of the Grand Canyon shut back together like elevator doors, and the spire of the Space Needle spewed forth a great plume of informative Taliban brochures.

2 Man why you even got to do a thing.

THE PART of THE CHICKEN WHICH YOU PREFER SAYS a LOT ABOUT YOU

Ray Smuckles Huh? Oh, boneless skinless breast, all the way. The filet mignon of a chicken. Reliable. Enor- mous. Eatin’ that cut is kingy. Got that little tender behind it, look for that. That’s sort of the expert’s treat. Don’t waste time on the rest of a bird - that’s slum food, you ain’t never see it on the menu at a class joint.

Cornelius Bear The outer two joints of the wing, grilled until nearly black over real charcoal. A Japanese Izakaya chef will know how to prepare this for you. The skin turns to a rich, salty cotton candy- like texture as the fat fries it from the inside, and the bones of the final joint become caramelized powder at the first bite. It’s marvelous. So much flavor from a throwaway cut. It makes white T: What?! meat taste as dull as the sadly over-hyped filet ED: You behaved as a cumhead. mignon. T: That’s not...that’s not even an insult. ED: Not yet, but I got some hand-outs I been Philippe passin around down by Starbucks. Lobbyin’, you know. Drumsticks! They are easy to hold onto and you T: I’m not being a dick about chicken. I’m just can be a cave man! The best shoes to wear as a saying what I know. Trying to give you content. cave man are shoes that you put ketchup on then ED: That kind of content is hell of hinge, dogg. stick lint from the dryer to the ketcup. It looks It’s like...it’s like you are a teacher filling up an like you made shoes out of ancient wild mice! hour until you can go out to your truck and

smoke and eat a discount sandwich without any Téodor Orezscu mayonnaise and just a circle of turkey meat on The dark meat, particularly the thigh. First of dry white bread. Because that’s what teachers all, it’s versatile, taking well to braising, grill- eat. ing, broiling, poaching, and frying. This is the T: Fine, I guess I’m too good for your ‘zine. mystery cut used by Japanese chefs for teriyaki, ED: How’s it feel up there in the tower, jerk. and julienned into broth to fill out many Chi- T: It feels good, because of how hard my shits nese soups. It develops its relatively strong hit when they drop onto your face. flavor and texture after even a few moments in ED: What if you knew that this telephone call hot poaching liquiOH GOD TEODOR SHUT was over. THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU BE T: I would go eat chicken teriyaki. A PEDANTIC FOOD ASSHOLE ED: Ikoru’s? TÉODOR: What? T: The best. ED: Man you are just rambling on at length like ED: See you there in...fifteen? anyone cared. T: That would be ideal. T: You asked the question, dickhead. ED: Fine...prick. [click] ED: Yeah but you answered it like a cumhead. —EEH

Don’t do that thing. 3

It Pays To Have Word Ability

BEEFEATER No. 1: Get out of the tub! BEEFEATER No. 2: YOU get out of YOUR tub first! BEEFEATER No. 1: I hate this old bathroom.

Gascacklery which takes into account: pieces of toast (n) gas-CACK’-uhl-ree which are asked for but refused, bowls of If someone is laughing immaturely about tortellini which are asked for but refused, the passing of gas, they are indulging in energy used to cook uneaten tortellini, gascacklery. “Oh my god Ray that raw organic five-dollar flax pasta which ends low chica you are hitting on was totally up tasting strangely like fish (refused), doing gascacklery earlier when one of her half-eaten popsicles which are perfectly girlfriends did a toot while they were out good but have the stick showing smoking. Way bad of a decision to bring (unacceptable), hour-long car rides when her into your life.” one is having trouble sleeping, licensed character Band Aids for imaginary Grodles wounds, Mexican food over which tan- (n) ‘GROW-duls trums are thrown but then, when it arrives Most civilized cities have ordinances at table, is angrily slapped and scattered which require dog owners to clean up around by two little hands (requires extra after their animals. In towns where it is tipping), et cetera. the exception to see that an animal owner has not picked up after their canine, the Kadonklin offending canine extrusions are referred (n) Kuh-‘DONK-lynn to as “grodles.” Usage: “Sorry, Shane. I This is the term for hot chicks you see was coming to your birthday party, but workin’ around various jobs in town, but the retarded lady who lives in that apart- when you see them on their breaks, they ment with all the wind chimes and birds have hell of crass habits like walking let her dog leave all kinds of grodles on around pulling their pants up, smoking the sidewalk in front of the preschool and and blowing the smoke out way too hard, now I have to wash my scooter wheels or having a cell phone ear thing. Usage: and my shoes all afternoon.” “Oh man get me on that chica from the Cingular store she is crushy pipes and a Miplet thickness / Oh god dude didn’t you see (n) ‘MIP-let her last week behind the Pizza Factory A Miplet is the base waste unit per child she is a hell of a pants fallin’ down ka- per day per household. Units of Miplet donklin who ain’t much at smokin’ cigs.” are calculated via a complex matrix

4 Man why you even got to do a thing.

Hans Greckensmer is a local German A Bit of Time With man who is completely set in his ways. His ways are very German, but some- times they seem almost reasonable. I don’t learn much more than that, and Hans Greckensmer I’m barely sure I learned even that. —EEH

I go to visit Hans Greckensmer, a dang old dude from up the street in Ray’s neighborhood. He calls a sweet old craftsman three-story deal his home, and he’s been cold sittin’ on this property since 1943 when he bought it with his wife, Elza. Today he’s sittin’ on the big front porch, watchin’ the wealthy neighborhood’s light traffic go by while keepin’ his high-quality bone and brass cane at the ready. He agreed to talk to me about things since I am hell of man- nered and plus the guy has got to be damn lonesome since nobody wants to talk to old German guys who are cantankerous as a rusty drawbridge.

EEH: So uh Mr. Greckensmer I mean wiz’in’ my rights to use it! I got all ze Herr Greckensmer thank you for agree- documentation and ze papers, signed ing to speak with me today. It is all too since 1953. Ze law is on my side, this is kind of you during this hot weather. my land, I know die Conztitution and Freut mich. Bill of Rights sure like you know ze MacDonalds or this what they have now, HG: Ja, ja. You should know somesings. In and Out Vis ze Burgers, you say. You come up ze porch like dat, you got They say. to wave fuhst, or I get concerned. You are not a mailman, you know [waves EEH: I don’t doubt it and that is defi- finger wisely]. nitely an American right. Thank you for not blowing a new hole in my head. Lord EEH: Right uh you are definitely right knows I got enough of strange types of about trespassing laws and how freely holes already. What do you think a new people go on property. That is a major type of hole in a head would do, if it concern and kind of a gray area. existed?

HG: I got a pistol you know, I am HG: What?

Don’t do that thing. 5

EEH: Like, we already got holes for EEH: Right. Exactly. Drown out all hearing and tasting and stuff. What could extant noise to create a perfect atmos- a new hole do? phere of concentration. A sonic utopia, if you will. HG: Heh heh. [Waves finger slyly] You gonna get into trouble wis zat one, boy. HG: Zat vould be nice, ja.

EEH: Heh, I don’t mean to get all dirty. EEH: Or let’s talk about a hole that’s I just think a head could do so many way out there. Let’s say you had a hole amazing things if it had a new hole in it. in your head that could tell you if a per- son was lying. Immediately. HG: Zat vould take experiments. HG: Zat vould be real good, ja. Zees days, so much sheisse men in America go up ze schtreets, real sheisse guys all “ L ike, we already ways going up your schtreet to sell you crap or so. got holes for hearing EEH: Say the person was talking to you, but they always looked like one millime- ter to the side of your eyes. Or they al- and tasting and stuff. ways blinked a little too long when pitching the main benefit of their prod- What could a new uct.

HG: Ja, zat is the sign of a liar. We get a hole do? ” hole in our head like zis, we get no more ripped off you and me! [Taps cane hap- —[EEH] pily upon the floorboards of the porch]

EEH: Well, enough about that. I heard EEH: Let’s say all the experiments had that you like good hot-cooked meat been done, and everyone had been exon- dishes, served plain with a winter vege- erated, and all of the subjects had actu- table that has been cooked nice and long ally been 100% delighted with the re- in a steam vessel with cabbage. sults, in retrospect. HG: You vant lunch? HG: Heh. You know ze obvious schtuff. But a new senses...a new sensations EEH: I...no, I’m sorry. I did not come hole...zis is a good question. You know, here with a hand out. That is not what I I read some Heinlein in my day. I got an meant. I am not crafty. idea about zis schtuff. HG: You vant lunch, is grrreat! Elza EEH: Cool. Maybe we could have a makes Kbupfstrudeln today, I am mostly hole where when we stuck our finger in tired of it but maybe you find it a treat it, we could tune out discordant ambient and delicious. Come, come. [rises ar- noise? thritically from chair]

HG: Like ze wife is yelling? Or to quiet down her TV shows? Zis Golden Girls? . . . Yes?

6 Man why you even got to do a thing.

I N S I D E . HG: Elza! Zum Keller!

Hans and I sit at a table in a [Elza opens the door to the cellar and disappears] kitchen which is surrounded HG: I am sorry. Gribblefrussen...we do by displays of plates that no no say zis. possible person can ever be EEH: I...I thought it would just meant to eat with huge happiness. allowed to use. A large paint- HG: Oh, no. Noooo, no. No. It...you ing of a kapellmeister or lost make zis up? You? viscount hangs near the sau- EEH: Yeah, it felt like...it felt like it would be a happy German word. It felt sage chafer. Elza, ashamed, fun in the mouth. offers food to us off of several HG: [Sighs, grows very quiet for several reflective seconds] No, no. Neinnnnn- dishes on a wheeled kreuzen- nnnn. Zis word, it says exactly the oppo- site of how you feel it says. gammel. EEH: Oh man I am so sorry Hr. Greck- ensmer uh through my disgrace I am EEH: Dang uh I mean how much is unfit to be a guest in your house so alright to take there is so much bounty. please ask me to leave.

HG: Take vat you vant. I clean up ze HG: Oh, it is alright. Elza, she vill be rest later, or we eat it wis Leno. We are okay. But you must “stick” [raps cane on old, ja, aber we abendessen much later. floor for emphasis] vis English, ja? I am So it is. old, but I am a good man, but I have zis pistol, and my old brain, my noodle , if I EEH: Alright great because there are get into a rage, well, my life is old and like three colors of sausages that I defi- going, but I do not vant for your life to nitely got to gribblefrussen on. go too. Because we misunderstand. Be- cause we haf a moment. Ja? HG: [Jumps up, throws napkin on the table, Elza cowers in corner] Vot in ze EEH: Ja mein Herr. Doch. Danke. Himmel?! LEAVE AT ONCE! HG: [He raps his cane on the floor as EEH: Oh uh I am sorry! My German is though to agree, but then he raps it a completely bad! I said nothing wrong couple more times, like in some strange that I know please tell me what I said morse code. Soon, Elza appears from the wrong! basement with two matching glass steins of frothy beer.] HG: Vot you said is not said in front of women or plates. HG: Stay for beer. Ve haf it on a plane since Minnesota. EEH: Was it the G word? ...continues on page 23

Don’t do that thing. 7

TRÉ-ODOR’S Gastronomion

“Wot ho,” Bertie Wooster’s grumpy, sometimes withering disdain for his subjects, but he shows himself at heart quintessentially British multi- to be a softie, a guy who just wants to like where he is but has the (too often scatologi- tasker exclamation, will soon cal) ammo to tear it down thoroughly if he doesn’t. Ramsay and White are colder. be replaced by the decidedly They don’t care if they would personally downmarket “Fuck!” of the like what’s in front of them; all that matters is perfect execution — joy be damned. I’ve imminently approaching watched dozens of hours of their footage, and I’ve never seen one of them pause in Gordon Ramsay. mute pleasure after taking a bite of food. They are robotically competitive in their Notes on the Current Cuisine Scene by cuisine — or, at least that’s how they’re Téodor Orezscu, Installment No. 1. being sold to us. I could see either of them making Bobby Flay cry in seconds, throw- ing him out of the kitchen by his ear for his lazy American technique, showy plating, or shouldn’t say approaching — he’s five-color embroidered chef’s jacket (in landed, with two years of American Ramsay’s autobiography, Roasting in Itelevision under his belt, and a two-star Hell’s Kitchen , he makes it a point of pride outpost in NYC — but that’s just the brunt to not have his name on his brigade jacket, of it. We have more top-tier English im- although it should be noted they’re usually ports poised to hit the shores (Marco Pierre working in a restaurant named Gordon- White, Heston Blumenthal, Hugh Fearnly – Ramsay-Something-or-Other, and his Whittingstall, Giles Coren, Fergus Hender- jacket is custom-made in France, so the son—all UK food personalities with much point may well be moot). stronger screen presence than even the I suppose I was first drawn to Ramsay highest-grossing US food celebrities), but because nowhere on our Food Network can the British Invasion has definitely sunk its you see a chef emotionally destroy a co- taproot in the form of Ramsay, and would- worker in a barrage of profanity and disre- n’t he like that choice of word. (He’s big spect, and then smash a hot plate of food on analogizing the rest of the world to his against their chest like a cream pie. I’m member—a thing which will no doubt soon used to seeing Rachael Ray start to chop an have its own reality show.) onion with the knife in the wrong hand, This isn’t a bad thing by any means. realize her mistake, correct it, and call Gordon Ramsay is Colonel Kilgore to our herself “a world-class dumb-o!” (In post Rachael Ray, and White is easily Ramsay’s production that would be, of course, edited solemn, unknowable, unreciprocating down to a friendly, girl-next-door Colonel Kurtz. We haven’t got anything “whoops!”) His autobiography gives many like them on American food television. reasons for his fundamental anger and Tony Bourdain can ramble off great competitiveness (including an itinerant and

8 Man why you even got to do a thing.

abusive alcoholic father who used to make Even Frank Bruni of the New York Times him fight his little brother), and this strikes dismissed Ramsay with a wave of his pow- a strong, honest, indisputable groundnote to erful Blackberry. which any of his detractors can be referred. America’s competitive food scene is White, on the other hand, possesses an blinking red and blue neon to this subdued intensity not even found in Ramsay. Ram- saffron-cream attack. There’s something say seems more a tightly-wound high func- they just can’t escape — some sort of po- tioning product of circumstances, while liteness with flavor, a reliance on vegeta- White seems to have been born into the bles and meats which aren’t in America’s world an utterly different creature, a hu- top ten — that doesn’t excite the palate of a morless Greek god with one purpose: to country whose billboard landscape prom- prepare food in the finest possible way, and ises great creamy tubs of “triple zing” and “three-hour Chipotle rubs.” This brings me to the influential hot plate “White and Ramsay upon which the U.S. sits: Mexico. England doesn’t have one of those. They have the occasional appearances of Indian curry in make [Thomas] Kel- their menus, sure, but we have Mexico. Heavy seasonings, bold citrus, aggressive chemical heat, peppers in a variety to rival ler look like Freddie any Indian kitchen, and corn — it’s not something they know, and it’s a big part of our palate. They may do well in the North Mercury on roller- East, where people regularly eat large pic- turesque birds that appear mainly on post- age stamps, but to make their craft fly west skates” of Pennsylvania will take quite a lot of doing for the English chef. crush the throats of anyone with a sugges- tion about his garnish or seasoning. I feel -T- like I should eat his cooking just to obey him and his immortal ideals. Before these two showed up, America’s biggest, highest rated, scariest, and most impossible to please cook was The French Little T’s Notez’ about Current and Emerg- Laundry’s Thomas Keller. White and Ram- ing Food Trends say make Keller look like Freddie Mercury on rollerskates. If they want to conquer 1. Mark Bittman, The New York Times’ “The Minimalist,” is high-end American cuisine, it might well not new news, but his exposure is rapidly growing. His “no- be there for their taking, but they both knead bread” bit from earlier this year was a gourmet meme, and since then he’s had shows on public television. His display one fatal Achilles’ heel: their fun- weekly videos post at NYT.com in the “style/dining and damental Englishness . wine” section. He covers all foods, and is the dignified person’s Rachael Ray. You want to go out of business in Amer- ica in about forty-six seconds? Serve “gray 2. If tapas are all the rage, how come I can’t get any? The mullet over cabbage and hazelnut fondue,” closest I get to a hot bite is leaving my window open at night for mosquitoes. and charge thirty-five bucks. Lean heavily on saddle of rabbit, or saddle of anything, 3. For those of you who miss the early “cooking show” days of the Food Network, the cooking show lineup at PBS for that matter. (We’re American, saddles (Saturdays) far outweighs a weeks’ worth of what you’ll get are where a cowboy’s ass goes.) Serve at TVFN. The lineup can be irregular, but it is not uncommon to see an actual chef (who is a chef) stand behind a counter smoked trout over caviar and creamy noo- and prepare dishes from scratch. It’s a bit light on fake dles. Bust out a cantaloupe soup. You’ll get celebrities (Guy Fieri) going to tailgaters to sample brats in some stars in New York City, but that’s it. beer and announce that they are good, but it may evoke a twinge of nostalgia in the mildly aged.

Don’t do that thing. 9

—by Ed E. Haskell If I toWere Date Anew

lright so I been truckin’ on with Miss Lady for some years now and we even’ gettin’ on the mar- A ryin’ train before too long. Also, let us just say that I was never on the date scene too much before that, and plus I am a real bad catch for most ladies who enjoy the cinema or going to a place on the weekend. Ain’t my bag so much, plus often I got enough sense to say that I got issues to them right up front. This is all by way of sayin’ that I would be damn useless on the datin’ scene were I to enter back upon it. Here is a transcript of how it would go if I managed to pick up a chick who was putting up with me at first.

The scene: we are at my apartment. The KAYLIE: Let’s do melon drops! Do you walls are a pure white, the carpet a deep have any Midori? I LOVE Midori. Oh brown that can hold many secrets and god, it is SO delicious! My friend Trevor indiscretions. There is a laptop on the ALWAYS has Midori. Do you do shots? card table that I use for a dinner table, and a length of Cat 5 runs to the cable ME: Well no but we can watch Citizen modem by the empty wall across the Kane on my laptop, plus I think I got room. There are some DVDs on the car- some airplane bottles of Chivas that I pet in another unused corner, and on the took from a party on sort of a bad dare kitchen counter is a can of Ro-Tel chili, but I ain’t actually like Chivas so they about six inches from the edge of the are like six years told. stove, in case I should ever feel like cooking. KAYLIE: I just got a belly button pierc- ing! Do you want to see? I showed it to ME: Alright cool so uh thanks for com- my friend Trevor and he LOVED it. ing to my apartment after that night at the dance club um I mean I ain’t got too ME: Uh I been seein’ that since a while much to do here so maybe we gonna call ago now uh as you got on some kind of it a night. shirt that is like as modest as a ladies’

10 Man why you even got to do a thing.

boxing sports top. ME: How come? [I quickly realize she wants to splash some fresh water on her KAYLIE: [Shows long dangly belly- vagina to make it decent] I mean uh yeah button earring that looks like if you took totally and there is a toothbrush too since a slice off the side of a diamond corn I saw you were smoking earlier. It is still cob] What do you think?! Isn’t it awe- wrapped, it says DR. DONALD J. some?! Trevor LOVES it. CRULLABENI on it, he is a good dude if you want any whitening or anything ME: Uh it looks you are wearing an done, I think it’s his specialty. He has all Aztec fishing hook in your front so these brochures. probably look out for it catching on something and horribly ripping your KAYLIE: Random! I’ll be right back. flesh, I mean I’m getting sick just think- Do you like music? [shuts bathroom ing about the sound that would make. door] Plus don’t probably go swimming. ME: [Puts some Black Flag on the MP3 player]

I LOVE Midori. KAYLIE: [the toilet never flushes, yet she comes out again. I wonder what the Oh god, it is SO hell went on. Is there vagina water on the counter?] delicious! My ME: Okay I guess just lie on your back by the plate that had nachos on it—you friend Trevor can put your head there—and we can do this and then I can check my sites.

ALWAYS has KAYLIE: Whoah, wait! You’re giving off a totally weird vibe! How OLD are Midori. Do you you?! do shots? ME: I’m so old every day is a question of why.

KAYLIE: Oh, yuck! Oh, gross! I’m KAYLIE: You said you had Chivas? My totally leaving! Don’t you DARE follow uncle drinks that! He has a pension. He me! You’re GROSS! used to draw pictures for the Army, I don’t know, maps and stuff. SO boring. ME: It’s okay I’ll just be here. My dad would always get some for him at Christmas. Let’s do shots! Do you KAYLIE: [slams door, walks back down have any Coke? the avenue to PRESSURE BEATS DANCE CLUB] ME: Well uh I guess we can drink Coke and Chivas on the empty floor by the ME: Oh well space and carpet I guess Mr. Bean DVD I mean enormous regrets it’s just you and me again. [microwaves have started in less auspicious situations. three PizzaTino Bites, 138 calories, 3g Saturated Fat, 0g fiber, 27% sodium per KAYLIE: Do you have a bathroom? serving]

Don’t do that thing. 11

FOOD & DINING with Peter H. Cropes

Well what can I say but that I am very upset by this time’s restaurant review section. First off, well-raised Téodor Orezscu has been added to the Man Why You Even Got To Do A Thing restaurant review staff. It is as though my first review disappointed them. Second off, he was given a very high restaurant to review, while I was given what I see as a low taco/Chinese food counter. —PHC

THIS WEEK’S REVIEW:

MR. WING’S TACO

2117 W. Albert #A-3

ince it seems my first review during this time, though his trash is filled disappointed this magazine’s with American cereal product boxes, staff, I took the extra time to such as Special K and Honey Crisp. S make sure I knew everything Empty milk cartons also appear in ap- about Mr. Wing’s Taco. And I do mean proximately related volume. everything. I know where Mr. Wing sleeps, I know where all his people When he emerges from his door he sleep. Do they wash their hands? What wears loose, ugly jeans, a t-shirt, and about at home? I have a chart. A huge black shoes that look like business shoes, chart, spelled out on a roll of butcher but not nice or classy. He walks 1.28 paper which I took from a separate busi- blocks to his “restaurant.” Once there, he ness. (A critic cannot interfere by steal- lazily inspects a few deliveries of meat ing from the business on which he re- and vegetables, then turns on the lights. ports.) At 11:30 he turns on the neon Corona and Tsing Tao signs, but he can be up to Mr. Hubert Wing arises from bed at 8:15 three minutes late in this. Once in the each day. He goes out on his porch in his last week he did not set out the inflatable underpants and undershirt and smokes a Corona palm tree with sand-filled base. cigarette, then goes back inside until 9:30. It is not always clear what he does I go in when the Closed sign flips to

12 Man why you even got to do a thing.

Open. Sometimes I am right behind him, barely ordered. This angers me. I have which can confuse him. Maybe he is not known cooks; I have cooked. It is a low used to being so, “popular.” I am told to position. No life, no future. A cook is a sit anywhere. Two paper menus sit on slave. I listen some more to confirm, each table, tucked between the salt/ then stand from my place. I walk to the pepper shakers and the clear plastic ta- Asian curtains which separate the blestand which advertises the alcohol. kitchen from the dining area, and see There is also Kikkoman soy sauce. what is occurring.

I decide on a taco and a chow mein. It is The cook stands at his station, combin- the only way to test this restaurant fairly. ing ingredients. Mr. Wing sits in his For the taco, I choose chicken. For the office, looking at papers. Neither sees chow mein, I choose beef. So as not to me. seem of low mind. One cannot order the same meat in two dishes (though I do I feel like a tremendous fool. I am sure only want chicken). It seems un- that they are both watching my actions intelligent. It smacks of the amateur. on their closed-circuit security camera system. Mr. Wing no doubt sees it all plainly on his computer screen, out of the corner of his eye. Clearly they have “One cannot order seen me reacting to their play-acting of anger and class-mistreatment, and have quickly gone quiet and calm. This is a the same meat in ruse, and an affront to good decency. Why they should single me out for tor- ment like this is unforgivable. Were I to two dishes.... It stay, they would serve me the lowest, most vile food, no doubt to exult as I forced it down. seems unintelli- I watch still, though, taking in what I can. It seems the chef uses a floor-lever to control the gas under his wok. It can gent. It smacks of produce huge, jet-fuel heat. It seems there is only one small exit from Mr. Wing’s tiny office. A stack of dry linen the amateur.” is on a table nearby. Interesting.

I leave, I sprint. The cool night air feels He takes my order and offers me a beer, good on my arms, on my chest. Some sake, or tequila. I choose tequila, as the curls back to my shoulders, and the dark third choice is always best at a fine res- sky is lit with very little moon. The taurant. He smiles as he notes this down. moon will wane completely in three I have made the right choice. I relax, and days—on a Sunday, when Mr. Wing admire the rack of newspapers. stays late, alone, to do his bookkeeping.

There is yelling in the kitchen, and I MR WING’S TACO: sense it is directed toward the chef. He has not done anything wrong yet; I have

Don’t do that thing. 13

FOOD & DINING with Téodor Orezscu

THIS WEEK’S REVIEW: Dal’Saada 37 Grand Ave

Dal’Saada is not my favorite topic, but the expert Moroccan/ mixology of Mr. Appleman nearly Mediterranean makes me opinionated on the subject. Opened 3/11/2007 As soon as the last drop is drained from Dal’Saada, the our glasses, we are cheerily escorted to highly anticipated our table, a banquette for two in a dimly new Mediterrane- lit corner of the sexy North African dun- anate that’s been geon-like main dining room. Our care- some time coming fully tiled table is a mosaic with its com- Téodor Orezscu on Avenue B, fills plexity and artistry, as are most around out the old Chez us. We are handed menus, and a busboy Tanner space. (For those keeping score, in a long tunic and sandals immediately Chez Tanner lost focus after head chef fills our glasses with ice-cold water. Eric Tanner left for Vancouver, and never righted itself under the more Asi- atic focus of replacement chef Jesse “...[We] relax over a Knoxbow, who is now with Nam Pla on Ellington.) conversation which Large potted ficus lead one down the long, whitewashed corridor of an entry concerns itself mainly that greets the Dal’Saada patron. A low Moroccan lighting plan calms and quiets with emerging Internet the mood. Quickly greeted with a smile, we are offered our table, but having heard that Mark Appleman is mixing at platform standards. It the bar, we opt for a quiet round. After all, we are early, and he is the area’s is not my favorite preeminent mixologist. topic...” Calvados with a Fuji granita and dash of rose water—complete with a gentle, fragrant petal from a Sally Holmes My companion asks after the possibility rose—refreshes as it invigorates, and my of a corned beef sandwich with fries, and companion’s Guinness is poured ex- the busboy quickly assures him that our pertly by Mr. Appleman himself. We waitress will be along shortly. I peruse settle into one of many comfortably situ- the menu. It’s a daring but comfortable ated black-stained padded Burmese teak exploration of gourmet northern African lounge chairs and relax over a conversa- specialties. Phyllo cigars of spiced dark- tion which concerns itself mainly with meat chicken, braises of lamb and beef, emerging Internet platform standards. It chickpea dishes strewn about the menu

14 Man why you even got to do a thing.

like a scattered handful of the namesake bean...the opportunity to order, for the first time in a long while, seems thrilling. My companion turns the menu over and over, remarking that restaurants which don’t serve sandwiches “really ought to.” He finally settles on a lamb stew with moufkhata which I assure him will be every bit like a shepherd’s pie. I know that once the rich lamb casserole is set before him, with its cinnamon and carda- mom spicing and mashed potato crust, he will be in heaven.

For myself I order the pigeon in dar- malaata, a rich chocolate and pine nut sauce, served over fragrant golden raisin- Sauternes orzo. It’s a combination that cannot fail, given a chef who’s made it more than once. To pair with the strong sweet notes of the dish, I order a refresh- ing Lambrusco. Some might question a frizzante here, but its sparkling sweet- ness does a good job of cleaning up after the dish’s lingering chocolate and crisp, salty skin.

As predicted, the lamb stew satisfies my companion on deep, resonating levels, and I find the pigeon cooked expertly, with a faint taste of mesquite grilling. The plating has been thought through expertly, and there is never a mess. A tablespoon of minced parsley with tan- gerine zest and garlic serves as garnish.

A lengthy discussion about gratuitous sugars and fat in the American diet (a conversation which I tried to avoid) puts us off dessert, and the ill effects which caffeine can have on my guest preclude me from enjoying their already-fabled coffees.

Dinner for two ran to $79 before tax and tip, excluding coffee, appetizers (don’t ask), and with one party having only one Guinness instead of sharing wine.

Dal’Saada: * *

Don’t do that thing. 15

Horror in BY AUTHOR PETER H. CROPES the Micro-Age Hello, my name is Peter Horror in the Micro Age - A Medical H. Cropes. You may know Drama me by such written works as A Wonderful Tale and Dan Geslington sat back from his A Hilarious Comedy . I’m microscope and switched off the going to do something a powerful X-22 computer that it was little different for you all hooked up to. Its red-hot processors today - a “mini-story.” My other stories were books, and well-fashioned if I can say, but I have been offered the chance to try something different here, and I think I can make a go of it. I have a feeling that the shorter format might just do the trick, what with my newly ac- quired—and some say whirred down, and soon the fans fashionable—writer’s were silent. The light on the tray of block. I hope you stick the microscope flickered and grew around just long enough dark. It was the last that Dan would to find out. see of the bizarre, ultra-deadly 9-10 kilovirus that day. He removed his —PHC sweaty goggles and shook his head

16 Man why you even got to do a thing.

like a wet dog. firing crouches. On the top of the “Time for a coffee and a sandwich,” maternity wing a mean, mean lesbian he thought. He knew just the place. drew Dan into her crosshairs. Ten minutes later Dan shambled He froze. He knew the lesbians into the Cody Red all-niter, which would kill him no matter what. With served mostly medical personnel, the honor and dignity of a true doc- and plunked down a five dollar bill tor, he spread his arms and looked for a cup of hot hard joe and a grilled skyward, his eyes closed. cheese. It was his usual thing, and The lesbians unleashed a furious the waitress just smiled and nodded. storm of lead. As his body fell, they Her neighbor had drowned six of his advanced on it, continuing with open own children that morning, and she fire. When his remains were but was glad to see something normal. stains upon the pavement they ad- “Oh, Florida.” vanced upon his Jeep, annihilating Suddenly, Dan got a code black on every salvageable part of it before his pager. Something was wrong back setting it aflame. No part of the car at the lab. Very wrong. Code blacks would ever exist again, in any func- were automated, they weren’t sent by tioning vehicle. personnel. This was screwed. A virus Their job done, they went to a dark had gotten loose. lesbian club and drank hot beer long Dan steered his humble 1983 Jeep into the night. It was another victory into a handicapped spot in the emer- for the lesbians, and another loss for gency bay and screeched to a stop. decent-parking folks, or folks who This was no time to worry about the had a good excuse to park how they lesbians who enforced parking. He had to. undid his lap belt and opened the Back in Dan’s lab, the 9-10 kilovi- door. rus began to drip from its container— “STOP IT RIGHT THERE!” began to gain in heat. Soon it was at screamed a furious parking enforce- a simmer, and not long after that a ment lesbian. She fired six shots in boil. An oblivious intern’s coat the air and then rolled exactly six brushed against the mess, and then times, coming to a stop with her gun she left work for the day, taking the trained on him. Two more lesbians train, taking two buses, shopping for sprang through the air, their beads dinner, and spreading a stripe of drawn perfectly on him while they death throughout the city. somersaulted and landed in ideal T H E E N D . . . ?

Don’t do that thing. 17

EROTIC FICTION3 By Ed E. “Steam Keys” Haskell

Darren was down by the pool. “Go on,” she told herself. He was completely shaved, “He’s probably not a Nazi.” head to toe. Even his eye- Darren looked up. “Right lashes were gone. That is how on!” he yelled. “All right!” hot and horny he was. He was He hit pause and motioned shaved “to the max,” as they for her to come over to his say in the adult industry. Not towel. She stood there awk- every model wants to work with a ‘maxer, but those that Darren looked up. do find themselves having a wholly different experience. “Right on!” he Some liken it to having a fling with an alien from before time yelled. “All right!” — like sleeping with God’s pro- totype for man, floating in a wardly for a second, and then bright white light. That is what he realized he needed to un- Liquida was about to experi- fold the towel to make room ence. Or so some said. for her. “Awww yeah,” he Darren knelt on a folded- thought to himself, as he over terrycloth towel, playing spread the soft cloth out. his GameBoy, rock hard like a He handed her a bottle of horizontal banana. Liquida, a baby oil, to rub all over him little scared, thought he and herself. She marveled at looked like a futuristic Nazi. the smoothness of his head —

18 Man why you even got to do a thing.

no stubble, anywhere. He was Nazi. Samuel Papeonis had like a toy. She felt herself turn been the prominent Haitian the corner and get into this owner of a downtown cin- guy, this way of being. ema, gunned down in cold Soon her bright orange string blood just three days ago! bikini was off and they were “You’ll never get me alive!” oiling each other from head to Darren screamed, running to- toe. The music thumped, and ward a nearby acacia which the hot Miami sun beat down hung over the fence. Several on them. They would make officers tried to wrestle him to sweaty, strange love and then the ground, but his slick, oiled body gave them no friction, “Awww yeah,” he and he practically squirted out of their arms in his wrig- thought to himself... gling struggle for freedom. As he climbed the tree for his jump in the pool. It would be leap into the neighbor’s yard intense. It would be insane. a desperate officer grabbed Suddenly, the sound of glass him by his erection, which breaking and doors being caused immediate ejacula- kicked off their hinges made tion. her jerk back with a start. Be- Darren slipped from the fore she knew what was hap- stunned man’s grasp, jumped pening, a dozen SWAT team the fence, and sprinted away. officers in black uniforms and There would be no more helmets had them surrounded, erotic action that day. The pointing rifles from every direc- police questioned and re- tion. She instinctively put one leased the nude Liquida, who hand in the air, the other shyly then went swimming, ate alternating between covering some fruit that was on the her pubic area and her counter, and then drove breasts. home in her 1988 Mazda 323. “DARREN MICHAELS! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD! YOU ARE WANTED FOR THE MURDER OF SAMUEL PA- PEONIS! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!” Liquida shuddered to re- member her earlier fear that he might be a dangerous

Don’t do that thing. 19

The following conversation took place between Ray Smuckles and Téodor Orezscu, two men who stand on oppo- site ends of the hip hop spectrum. I was fortunate enough to be a fly on the wall—or rather, a guy on the couch.

Naturally, my tape was rollin’. –EEH

Rappin’ on P! RA

TÉODOR: [enters room where Ray is playing a rap song, is in kind of a bad mood] Ugh! How can you still listen to this stuff? I mean, I thought it was kind of funny in the 80s, but what gives? We’re not seven anymore. TÉODOR: Stop it, and turn this crap RAY: Man, don’t be steppin’ to my wax. off! If I hear one more idiot bragging about how he’s an idiot I’m going to go [LYRICS ISSUE FORTH FROM THE shut off the circuit to this room! RAP SONG] [LYRICS ISSUE FORTH FROM A SO I SHOT THAT BITCH WITH MY NEW RAP SONG] ICE COLD GAT / NOW I’M ROLLIN’ FIFTY DEEP I LIKE CRACK COCAINE ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE I’M AT / I PUT IT IN MY BRAIN YOU DON’T FUCK WITH NO NIGGA I LOOK INSIDE MY DRAWERS WHEN HE’S HAD A BAD DAY / THERE IS A HORRIBLE STAIN ANY HO I SEE I’M GONNA BLOW HER AWAY! TÉODOR: Look, see! If that were my [THE SOUNDS OF GUNFIRE, SI- situation, I’d be ashamed. This guy, on RENS, AND A KOREAN GROCERY the other hand, wants to get the word out STORE ROBBERY GONE HORRI- to as many people as possible. That’s BLY WRONG] retarded.

TÉODOR: That’s terrible! Why is rap RAY: Dude sports the candiest bling, got the conduit for proud stupidity, uncon- a Lincoln Navigator. Only drinks Cristal, sidered hate, and poorly-provoked vio- not even water. This is good stuff, man, lence throughout the world? and the booty-ass hoes flock to it. Player hangs a solid gold ice cube tray from his RAY: Chicks love this stuff, and we rope, each compartment filled with a lettin’ people know where we at. You fifty carat special-cut diamond. Chicks gotta represent if you gonna be all that. craaaave on his money.

20 Man why you even got to do a thing.

TÉODOR: So what? Don’t you get that TÉODOR: What’s ten minus three-point his music is encouraging everyone to be -five? a dangerous moron? It’s about the down- ward collective motion of art as it affects RAY: Somewhere around seven. I forget society. which side.

RAY: I can’t get with that, man. The TÉODOR: Jesus. booty-ass ho supply gonna dry up like a ! two-drip piss, they hear somebody [LYRICS ISSUE FORTH FROM A talkin’ like that. NEW RAP SONG] P A I WEAR A COAT AND TIE TÉODOR: Can you do HARVARD DID NOT DENY R MY WISH TO LUCUBRATE THEY DID FACILITATE subtraction? [Ray and Téodor turn and stare at the RAY: Yeah, if I wanna see stereo]

EEH: That’s one of mine. I slipped it in my hoes back away with while you two were having the most pointless argument on the planet. their palms facin’ me. RAY: That was tight, man!

TÉODOR: You’d sell out American TÉODOR: That won’t have any com- culture for some booty-ass hoes who mercial appeal, I’m afraid. And what’s can’t balance a checkbook and have no with the stupid monotonous beat? Is that hope of ever spelling “incongruous”? sampled from another rap song?

RAY: Dude, watch out wit’ yo’ lame EEH: What rap song isn’t another rap self. I bet three outta five tries I’d screw song? that bad boy up too, and I ain’t no bling bling Bee-Bee-Double-You mama trout TÉODOR: Fine, I’m just saying, why on some pimp’s hook. contribute to the problem.

TÉODOR: But you can balance your RAY: You know, they got these rappers checkbook. outta Caius College, Cambridge, and they messin’ with the rude-ass scholar RAY: I ain’t need to. My M.O. is to angle. They got some wicked rhymes always, constantly make tons of money that NOBODY would EVER think of. by selling hip hop albums; that way, I’m talkin’, like, rhymin’ “annihilate” there’s always more money in the bank with “decimate,” hard stuff like that. than I need to spend. EEH: Decimate means to reduce by one TÉODOR: Can you do subtraction? tenth. Annihilate means to destroy com- pletely. Unless they’re contrasting the RAY: Yeah, if I wanna see my hoes back meanings, they’re not that bright. away with their palms facin’ me. ...continues

Don’t do that thing. 21

RAY: Dude, I’m pretty sure they were TÉODOR: Well, at least in the blues playin’ it like a contrast. These guys had they played real instruments. some pretty posh accents. On their iTunes photo they are hella sportin’ RAY: Alright, man, I got to call BS on school blazers, all with that crest on the that one. Some of these keyboards and chest pocket. Way Harry Potter, but drum machines can be hella hard to hook more recent, you dig? Like if Harry was- into a mixing board, let alone find the n’t a dork. Seriously—I think some of demos to sample. Rappers today got their rhymes were about World War II. WAY more challenges than an old blues guy who just had to drink too much, TÉODOR: Mentioning a complicated have regrets, and play the bottom two subject doesn’t make you complicated. I strings on his guitar. Plus, I ain’t even could rap about the economy and it mentioned some of the websites you got wouldn’t mean I was important. to follow to know what the latest sam- ples are. RAY: The economy! / is hella gay! / how come ain’t nothin’ / never goes my TÉODOR: You’re talking about stuff way! that can be learned and then demon- strated by a regular brain in about fifteen TÉODOR: See, exactly. That was stupid. seconds. In order to play convincing It mentioned the economy, but it didn’t blues, you actually have to have an emo- expand on the subject. tional and experiential depth to your life. You don’t do it by posing like a guy in a RAY: Dude, were you listening? It was picture from a magazine that you found about a guy who’s down on his luck on the ground outside a convenience because of the economy, and he knows store. that unless things get better, his posi- tion’s gonna stay pretty bad! Blues was RAY: By the time I learn a lotta these the same way, and you GOT to respect machines, I got genuine blues, dogg. the blues! TÉODOR: Jesus. I’m leaving. EEH: Seriously man the blues was all about a guy drinkin’ too much and his EEH: And that’s the wrap on the rap on lady left him for a man with a new hat. rap. Hrap! FIN

Paid Advertisement

HEY Y’ALL! ...HAS A “NEW” LOOK! PRIME TIME PRIME TIME RECORDS RECORDS!

Contact ray Smuckles 650 527 3- Your favorite stone funk label

22 Man why you even got to do a thing.

Ed E. Haskell’s Ex- tremely Self-Indulgent Greckensmer List of How to Get ...Continued from page 7 Into Real Punk Rock and Not that Modern EEH: I would love to. Thank you.

Kid Stuff That is Mi- HG: Elza! Mehr! crowaved Leftovers Twenty Years Too Late [Soon, Elza appears with large platters of buttered bread and speck. Garnishing the center of each platter is a large steaming 1. 7 Seconds hogs’ knuckle studded with cloves and 2. Angry Samoans bay leaf. It looks like a hedgehog that 3. Dead Kennedys has died in a plane crash. Brown mustard 4. Operation Ivy is served in crocks, alongside. We end the evening singing and sipping home- 5. The Misfits made apple schnapps until Mr. Greck- 6. The Clash ensmer falls against a pillar and goes to 7. DRI bed. I am not doing too well at all and 8. Social Distortion Elza knows this, so she shows me to the 9. The Damned sun porch where she has prepared a bed, 10. The Minutemen complete with those black nighttime sleepy-shades that old women wore in * You will notice I do not include the old movies. The next morning I wake up Sex Pistols because they were more of surprisingly alright around 6:30, and I an act than a band. look out the window to see Mr. Greck- ensmer, shirtless, grunting and shoveling ** Sorry to The Descendents, I wish I dirt for a new retaining wall around his had chosen Top 11. garden. In the kitchen, I see that he has already breakfasted on a platter of cold *** Yeah, I know, Dead Milkmen and cuts, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, beets, stuff. Bitchin’ Camaro was good, but it and smoked whitefish. Elza invites me to was kind of gimmicky. That stuff is partake, with a “Such late schleepink! I usually comedy more than punk. Al- worry you are a bit kranken mit sniffles most Dr. Demento. or some kalt!” I figure this is how to do **** Circle Jerks had a nasty name, but it up right so I eat some of the proteins a lot of bands were approximately of and wander out to thank the guy for the this unimportant quality level. time.] —EEH

*** The Germs never produced even a single song that you could get into for more than six seconds.

** JFA and Drunk Injuns, you had the worst A&R men ever, because you are barely even on Google.

* No Means No: man so boring these guys are like the literary theory of punk rock, totally making you bored by what does not matter.

Don’t do that thing. 23

concert review Nowhere, my house October 1, 2007

Yeah, the Tenmen are off in Europe this fall, so I just cooled it at home and put together one of my favorite playlists from all their oldest albums. They came a long way but sometimes not at all...I mean, they wrote Toecatcher for their first album but then My Method of Beauty is basically the same idea all over again, without being a rehash of the same formula. Anyhow I just got this goin’on the laptop over some head- phones, stretched out on the living room carpet, and turned out the lights. Molly was PLAYLIST: He Slept All Day / Tommy With the Gunside at work for six more hours, Ray was at some Ale / Bill Knows What Bill Thinks / Toecatcher / Stuffing dinner for the Mayor, and the rest of the Socks Into My Stage Boots / My Method of Beauty / Gloss- convict / When the Pages Weigh Too Much / BathroomTell dudes were at some flick. It was bliss on a at Suicide Mansion / That Opera Hasn’t Played Here Since candlestick, and damned if I wasn ’t that 1863 / The Bullet Took the Last Train Out of Town / How asleep kind of awake for an hour, settin’ Tom Combo Thinks / Bodie / Bodie (reprise) up a picnic blanket next to a pure river of notes.

FORTUNE COOKIE CORNER: A child with no nicknames will grow up plain and calm.

A st u de n t f i l m Tr é -o do r t h o u g h t o f : Ch ubbin’ In Vain ( 1983) Six ch icks from CU Boulder get chubby in t he hopes of winning over six bach elors, but they are misin- formed: th e men do not like chubby women. W hen the six women finally come down the sidewalk to meet the men, the men have a primal panic g attack, look at o T od d in ne another’s eyes T od d , briefly, and then walk faster than the women are walking, in the same direction. was hell of Hans Greckensmer rted rockin’ laughin’ once he sta the Schnapps From my hard drive

24 Man why you even got to do a thing.