#6 Behold the face of the new lucky cat BREAKING NEWS: Editor’s RAY CRIED AGAIN Hello Corner THIS YEAR Alright dang so the wind is comin’ again and ACHEWOOD HEIGHTS, CA (MWY) — It makin’ blustery days which is all right for no longer changes the behavior of the stock walkin’ around and wonderin’. I think Fall is market, affects the moods of distant dogs, or the best weather for stone cold wondering. fills the many inches of this nation’s opinion You got your head down, feet all crunchin’ columns. That’s right— Ray Smuckles cried on crispy leaves, and bloosh a bluster blows a again, and for the first time in history, it few more past you. Hell of nice. If you want seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Except to get emo you can wear a scarf, but I rock it mine. old-school with just a real crap hoody that At approximately has a crackling MEINEKE TIRES logo nine thirty-two PM on across the chest. I don’t know where I got Sunday the twenty- it...I’m not even sure I got it. But it is usually fifth, I went up the around, and I put it on from time to time stairs to Mr. Smuckles’ when it gets this way, or if there is a late- private bedroom to night car trip. I find a long car trip is made announce the availabil- pretty nice by a thick hoody. Like that towel ity of a number of un- in HHGG. You got to have an accommodat- eaten pizza rolls. As the ing textile if you gonna move on to parts floor throughout much unknown, in vehicles unknown. Your tired of his expansive home’s The crying man, in head got to go on something. I’m just saying, private quarters is happier times I mean this doesn’t matter or anything. carpeted, he did not —EEH detect my oncoming footsteps. Before my hand could knock on his closed door, I heard the unalloyed fits and starts of a man fighting IN THIS ISSUE! back weeps. I paused. The television was on, and almost instantly If Ed E. Haskell had to start over with women I recognized the sounds of the final scene in Braveheart, in which William Wallace is Hans Greckensmer interview eviscerated, famously crying out, (local old German dude) “FREEEEDOM!” The scene was rewound Erotic Fiction #3—A Terrible and played at least twice before I retreated. Escape Knowing Mr. Smuckles as I do, I was proud to hear that he was working to over- Téodor’s restaurant review come his idiosyncratic inability to watch this Nice Pete’s jealous rebuttal final, harrowing scene. However, I was si- restaurant review multaneously not proud of him for crying so —EEH It Pays To Have Word Ability much about a movie. The Top Six Lines Which Do Not Appear in Good Literature EEH 1. “You can’t be aware of this hat — please stop, Mr. Grimnel,” said the weathermaid. “Oh, do please stop.” 2. The kangaroo’s unblinking anus leered over the fence at the children’s pool party. 3. Fred Inglesby crammed the head of iceberg lettuce into his wallet and left the room. He wouldn’t give the bitch the satisfaction. 4. Six crullers was all it took — the objet d’art was surrounded by a series of points which defined a hexagon of crullers. 5. The Great Brain, 39, put a pitted black olive on each fingertip, crossed himself, and then slowly, deliberately, walked for- ward into the blur that was Spirit of St. Louis’s hammered steel propeller. 6. Osama bin Laden made his announce- ment, and just like that, everybody in America stood up, quit being American, and sold their dogs. George Bush walked straight to the nearest prison and arrested everyone who did not let him be a pris- oner. The Statue of Liberty jumped from the St. Louis Arch, the walls of the Grand Canyon shut back together like elevator doors, and the spire of the Space Needle spewed forth a great plume of informative Taliban brochures. 2 Man why you even got to do a thing. THE PART of THE CHICKEN WHICH YOU PREFER SAYS a LOT ABOUT YOU Ray Smuckles Huh? Oh, boneless skinless breast, all the way. The filet mignon of a chicken. Reliable. Enor- mous. Eatin’ that cut is kingy. Got that little tender behind it, look for that. That’s sort of the expert’s treat. Don’t waste time on the rest of a bird - that’s slum food, you ain’t never see it on the menu at a class joint. Cornelius Bear The outer two joints of the wing, grilled until nearly black over real charcoal. A Japanese Izakaya chef will know how to prepare this for you. The skin turns to a rich, salty cotton candy- like texture as the fat fries it from the inside, and the bones of the final joint become caramelized powder at the first bite. It’s marvelous. So much flavor from a throwaway cut. It makes white T: What?! meat taste as dull as the sadly over-hyped filet ED: You behaved as a cumhead. mignon. T: That’s not...that’s not even an insult. ED: Not yet, but I got some hand-outs I been Philippe passin around down by Starbucks. Lobbyin’, you know. Drumsticks! They are easy to hold onto and you T: I’m not being a dick about chicken. I’m just can be a cave man! The best shoes to wear as a saying what I know. Trying to give you content. cave man are shoes that you put ketchup on then ED: That kind of content is hell of hinge, dogg. stick lint from the dryer to the ketcup. It looks It’s like...it’s like you are a teacher filling up an like you made shoes out of ancient wild mice! hour until you can go out to your truck and smoke and eat a discount sandwich without any Téodor Orezscu mayonnaise and just a circle of turkey meat on The dark meat, particularly the thigh. First of dry white bread. Because that’s what teachers all, it’s versatile, taking well to braising, grill- eat. ing, broiling, poaching, and frying. This is the T: Fine, I guess I’m too good for your ‘zine. mystery cut used by Japanese chefs for teriyaki, ED: How’s it feel up there in the tower, jerk. and julienned into broth to fill out many Chi- T: It feels good, because of how hard my shits nese soups. It develops its relatively strong hit when they drop onto your face. flavor and texture after even a few moments in ED: What if you knew that this telephone call hot poaching liquiOH GOD TEODOR SHUT was over. THE FUCK UP JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU BE T: I would go eat chicken teriyaki. A PEDANTIC FOOD ASSHOLE ED: Ikoru’s? TÉODOR: What? T: The best. ED: Man you are just rambling on at length like ED: See you there in...fifteen? anyone cared. T: That would be ideal. T: You asked the question, dickhead. ED: Fine...prick. [click] ED: Yeah but you answered it like a cumhead. —EEH Don’t do that thing. 3 It Pays To Have Word Ability BEEFEATER No. 1: Get out of the tub! BEEFEATER No. 2: YOU get out of YOUR tub first! BEEFEATER No. 1: I hate this old bathroom. Gascacklery which takes into account: pieces of toast (n) gas-CACK’-uhl-ree which are asked for but refused, bowls of If someone is laughing immaturely about tortellini which are asked for but refused, the passing of gas, they are indulging in energy used to cook uneaten tortellini, gascacklery. “Oh my god Ray that raw organic five-dollar flax pasta which ends low chica you are hitting on was totally up tasting strangely like fish (refused), doing gascacklery earlier when one of her half-eaten popsicles which are perfectly girlfriends did a toot while they were out good but have the stick showing smoking. Way bad of a decision to bring (unacceptable), hour-long car rides when her into your life.” one is having trouble sleeping, licensed character Band Aids for imaginary Grodles wounds, Mexican food over which tan- (n) ‘GROW-duls trums are thrown but then, when it arrives Most civilized cities have ordinances at table, is angrily slapped and scattered which require dog owners to clean up around by two little hands (requires extra after their animals. In towns where it is tipping), et cetera. the exception to see that an animal owner has not picked up after their canine, the Kadonklin offending canine extrusions are referred (n) Kuh-‘DONK-lynn to as “grodles.” Usage: “Sorry, Shane. I This is the term for hot chicks you see was coming to your birthday party, but workin’ around various jobs in town, but the retarded lady who lives in that apart- when you see them on their breaks, they ment with all the wind chimes and birds have hell of crass habits like walking let her dog leave all kinds of grodles on around pulling their pants up, smoking the sidewalk in front of the preschool and and blowing the smoke out way too hard, now I have to wash my scooter wheels or having a cell phone ear thing. Usage: and my shoes all afternoon.” “Oh man get me on that chica from the Cingular store she is crushy pipes and a Miplet thickness / Oh god dude didn’t you see (n) ‘MIP-let her last week behind the Pizza Factory A Miplet is the base waste unit per child she is a hell of a pants fallin’ down ka- per day per household.