The Game of Love

CHANGING THE RULES CHANGES EVERYTHING! ©

By Kevin B. Rice

INTRODUCTION

Ah, the game of love! You know – falling head over heels, the pursuit, the chance to win someone over, and all those feelings of butterflies in the stomach! Where did all of this begin? Why is it such a part of our lives? And why does suffering so often follow? Once I became interested in the topic of love and romance I began to research it. It seems so much a part of everyone’s life at one time or another that I figured it had to be something primal – behavior imprinted on the human psyche since the beginning of time. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. I discovered, much to my surprise, that “courtly love,” or modern day’s idea of “romantic love,” was invented by humans, not by God. The first time in recorded history where courtly love, (as it is now known,) appeared was with Guilaume IX, the Count of Poitiers and Duke of Aquitaine in the 11th century when he wrote eleven poems that set forth the ideology of courtly love. It was not until the appearance of Eleanor of Aquitaine when she made the courts of her two daughters’ important centers where this courtly poetry could be read. One chaplain, Andreas Cappellanus at Marie’s court, penned a three book treatise called The Art of Courtly Love. In it, Capellanus wrote several rules setting forth how courtly love was to be played out. However, courtly love was marginalized for centuries because France became a monarchy and the feudal order reigned. It was not until the late 19th century that the courtly version of romance was once again flourishing in Southern France and, eventually, in England. Now we find ourselves in the 21st century with our own version of romance, inspired by the unrealistic musings of poets and troubadours from centuries past, complete with fears, the intrusion of the ego and, romantic fantasies that are doomed to fail 100 percent of the time. This book is dedicated to showing you how to exchange the dysfunctional, doomed-to-fail version of love as most of us know it, to one in which everyone wins, all the time. True romance is only found among those who understand love as it was granted to us by God, not the “love” man has invented to stroke the ego. Real love and romance are of human-created love and romance. While the world’s version of romance was invented by the human psyche, love was not. Romance changes with the wind; love is as solid as a mountain. Romance produces tremendous ups and downs; love is steady and unyielding. Like a mirage, romance metamorphoses and finally goes away as lovers move toward it, grasping at something but finding nothing there of substance. But love is like the ocean, deeper and more encompassing the more you envelope yourself within it. We have all had relationships where we would have felt better taking a cheese grater to our faces! How many times have we found ourselves writhing in misery and pain, crying, “love is going, going…gone”? All of this happens not because love brings pain but because the illusion of man- made love is nothing but a lie wrapped in a pretty package. As children, we were taught not to play with matches because they can start fires, and fires can bring pain. As adolescents, we were taught to avoid unsafe sex because of disease that causes pain. In fact, much of the experiences of life are about avoiding the things that bring pain. Yet, one of the most common sources of pain in our lives is disappointment in our relationships. When it comes to relationships and love, whether they are romantic, familial, or friendship, something strange happens: We experience the pain and stay for more. And, we think that love is the cause of pain (love hurts!) when, in fact, real love never hurts. The culprit is the illusion of “love” to which we cling for dear life, not knowing that pain’s authentic alter ego – fear – is hovering nearby, waiting to be recognized.

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How many times do we choose the same relationship dynamic that brought pain in the past, only to find that the new one produces just as much pain? We writhe in agony after a breakup or relationship breakdown, only to get back on our feet and play the same game again with the same rules – maybe only with a different person. While love may be the genuine desire of everyone entering a relationship, it certainly is not the experience of everyone. Instead, insecurity often reigns (this is how fear masquerades itself). You suffer instead of being in peace. You sense loss, not gain. Why does this occur when our desire is to find true love? Why is it that, within these games that we play, we leave many casualties alongside our path: broken people, with broken hearts, who scratch their heads wondering what the heck went wrong? We look upon our own past relationships and wonder what happened to the love – where it went and why. is, although we desire the experience of love, many of us fall short of knowing how to find it. The game of love the world plays looks wonderful from the outside. Like a beautifully wrapped present, it fits all the criteria for superficial love. This present is wrapped with beauty to distract your attention from what is within the package. What is really inside the package is not love, but what we want to be love. Once the “present of love” is unwrapped, we find something different than what we thought would be there. “You’re not who I thought you were! Where’s the romance and love we once had? She’ll be the right one once she sees what she’s doing wrong and changes.” It’s as though we have fallen in love with the man behind the curtain in of Oz when Dorothy and her crew perceived a mighty, powerful presence hidden behind a veil. Reality ripped their illusions away immediately when a simple man behind the curtain was unveiled. What they found instead of power was a weak, timid man. Likewise, the package of love this world is trying to give you looks loving on the outside, but when you open the package, you find fear. Let’s admit it – this world is not loving and fear-free; it is fearful and the antithesis of love. So, what we are playing often really is not a game of love; a more precise label would be “a game of fear.”

The Games of Fear and Love

The allure of the “game-of-fear-masquerading-as-love” is that it contains the compelling lie that we are playing it to find love. In the game of fear, fear is loved and love is feared. So, what do I mean by that? In order for us to grasp this fully, for now, understand that there are only two emotions: love and fear. Every other emotion or feeling falls under one or the other category. People run toward fear (and away from an awareness of love), unaware that they are actually doing so. They have confused the two. When we invest in an illusory form of love, such as today’s version of romantic love, we pretend that our fearful thoughts are loving. “Will he love me in the morning? How can I keep her away from other threats? I can’t be happy without him!” We define these feelings as love when they are, in fact, fear-based. I will explain later why these thoughts stem from fear, not love. In this upside-down cycle of sabotage we are reviewing together, you will uncover many fearful thoughts that you formerly thought were based on love. of fear is subtle and hides behind seemingly loving, caring, and compassionate thoughts. This voice of fear has the daunting task of deciding how best to convince us that fear is actually love, and love is fear. Fear is not something you should be afraid of because you created it through your thinking, and you can let go of it. When fear is gone, only love remains. Don’t misunderstand. Fear is not a sinister force out to get you and ruin your relationships, but when you place your belief in the unbelievable (fear), it will wreak havoc on your relationships.

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Our journey together will take us through the circuitous routes of the fearful road that people traverse, thinking they are on a path to love. When you recoil from fear, this seems natural. But before we can look at these surface fears, we need to look at the underlying fears in the unconscious mind that masquerade as thoughts of love and romance. We are going to look very closely at the game of fear we play.

In The Game of Love:

. You will be shown the roads that fear travels, with all its bumps and curves, bends and twists, mountains and valleys, and then finally to the destination of suffering and pain that it takes you to – all under the banner of love. . You will be shown the reason you are on this road to begin with, and why you have confused it as the path you want to travel and the game you want to play. . You will be shown that there is another path and another game that is worth every bit of your time and attention. . You will be shown how you can undo fear. . You will be shown how to heal and transform your relationships.

How many people, when they think, speak, or read the word “love” experience instead a tinge of “fear”? Their relationships are riddled with fear, manifesting as anger, insecurity, stubbornness, and selfishness. They dread the idea of love being snatched away, without warning, in the twinkling of an eye. Yet these very behaviors almost guarantee that the very thing they fear is the most likely outcome. The game of fear is an upside-down view of our relationships. We have all bought into this game at one time or another and this book will show you how to recognize the lies, change the rules, and experience true love, free of fear and all its sinister traps. Over the last several years, I interviewed people about their relationships for this book. Their identities are anonymous. However, their words will echo the points I am submitting for your consideration. In addition to my own understanding of relationships, these interviews helped me, and will help you, put these sometimes-lofty ideals you’ll be introduced to into a concrete application. We are here together in this book to explore and scrutinize these concepts, or “rules for love” that have been handed down to us. We are going to chew up the meat and spit out the bones, and there are a lot of bones! However, we cannot begin to explore a new way before we look closely at the old way.

Love Just Is!

I speak the words “Love Is,” and should cease to speak any further. Love encompasses everything, and the moment we attempt to define what it is, we lose awareness of it. When you read that Love is Now, or Love is Within, I’m referring to the conditions of love. For instance, when you are in the sun you will feel the condition of warmth. Similarly, when you awaken to the reality of love you will feel the effects of love everywhere – here and now, within you, in form, substance, and in everything you look upon. Love is. However, loose rules must be utilized to point you to love. My “conditions” of love are as broad as possible, contained within

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“rules” that seem to define love until you understand that love merely “is” and cannot be contained by any label. Once you grasp this concept, the time for rules is over.

The Five Rules of Each Game

Each of the five rules in the game of fear is interwoven. Each builds upon the other. Where the first rule is found, the second follows just a step behind. The third, fourth, and fifth follow naturally in step. The game of fear may be insane, but it’s well disguised as sanity, since it seems to follow a very clear and logical progression of thought. Remember, the voice of fear is not your personality or true identity; it is a distraction from who you really are, and the voice of love (Spirit) that is our real representation of love in this world. The game of fear is insane because of the premise of fear on which its “logic” is based. For those who accept fear as sane, the game of fear will also appear sane. But this is not just a game; it is a cycle, replete with self-sabotage, pain, disappointment, and failure. When one has played this game and finished it, one must pick it up again and play it again because he or she will lose every time. It is a cycle that will forever sabotage every relationship into which you enter. Conversely, the voice of Spirit is the representation of love within this world. It is the voice that transforms your perceptions of darkness into light. This voice, when heard, will heal your relationships, correct your misperceptions about love, and restore you to your rightful experience of love within relationships. Each of the five rules in The Game of Love is also interwoven. They, too, build upon each other. The stark difference is this: the premise of The Game of Love is sane and so is everything that flows from it. It is not a cycle of sabotage, and when you are finished playing it, you’re finished. You have found love, and the need for games is over. Following are the five rules of the game of fear stacked next to the five “rules,” or conditions, of the true game of love:

The Game of Fear The Game of Love 1. “Love” is not now. 1. Love is now. 2. “Love” is without. 2. Love is within. 3. “Love” is form. 3. Love is substance. 4. “Love” is punishment. 4. Love is freedom. 5. “Love” is destruction. 5. Love is creation.

After you have read the differences between these two games within the pages of this book and recognize how completely opposite they are to one another, it will be instantly clear to you which game you have been playing. Most people will experience a shock when they realize that the game of love they thought they were playing was really the game of fear. The following summaries are a mere superficial glimpse of what you will be shown within the pages of The Game of Love.

First Rule

The first rule of the game of fear is that love is not now – not with you now but somewhere “out there” in the future. “As soon as I lose 20 pounds, I’ll find my soul mate.” “When he stops being immature and starts spending time at home, we’ll be happy.” In other words, fear is now and

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love is not. It may be hard to comprehend at first, but the problem with our relationships begins with how we think about the where and when of love, whether we have an object of our affection yet or not. Take a moment to assess your beliefs about love.

. Do you believe that love is something that is in your life right now, or that it rests in the future or the past? . Do you believe that love is here with you, wherever you go and present, regardless of the person you are with at the moment, or that it is someplace else, residing in some other person you know you would have love with, if only you could be with him or her?

You can never expect to know love if you consider it always outside your grasp, a step away from where you are here and now. We are going to take a look at this one belief very closely because from it emanates so many other upside-down ideas about love. As you examine the game of fear’s first rule in Chapter One – that love is not now – you will be introduced to its alternative: the first rule of the true game of love – love is now. You will be able to close this chapter knowing how to walk this world with the assurance that love and God go with you wherever you go. You will know the joy of experiencing what now offers you, and what it means. The first rule of The Game of Love is the foundation for the rest of the true game of love. From this fundamental premise of love, your experiences of love will multiply in ways that you cannot imagine. Without the knowledge and experience that love is truly now, the remaining steps in healing your relationships will be meaningless. Your first responsibility in transforming your relationships is to awaken to love yourself.

Second Rule

The second rule or “lie” of the game of fear is this: If our thoughts are always pointing us to the future or the past, away from the now and thus from love in our very midst, then we believe that the source of love comes from outside of us, not within. Therefore, the second fearful game rule is love is without (in other words, outside of us – something we have to go get). If we cannot recognize love as being now, we will not recognize it as coming from within. It seems “natural” to assume that love flows from the outside in instead of the other way around, and there are plenty of influences on television and in the movies to make this seem real. Yet, consider something with me. How can a person bring love to any relationship or situation if they, consciously or unconsciously, do not believe they have it to give? Most people search for completion outside, where they believe it to be. Their search for “love” deprives them of the very thing they are looking for. If they find it, their pattern of searching does not end. Why? They have not found love! Instead all sorts of rules take over, including many destructive fears and insecurities. If they had found true love, the search would stop. They didn’t find the truth of love, but only an illusion of completion. All this searching takes a toll on both your mind and body, not to mention your relationships, because we are not focused upon the love available now and within, where all energy flows through us. After reading this book, your search is going to end because after looking at why and where fear has you searching for love, you are going to seriously question why you are searching. A huge burden will lift from you when you begin to embrace the second rule of the true game of love – love is within. You thought you needed the search to find love, but the search has prevented you from finding it. This book will help you lay it down and show you why you want to lay it down.

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Third Rule

The search for love outside is not a search for love. It is really a search for a form to contain your idealized concept of love. This brings us to the third and equally incredible lie or rule in the game of fear: Love is form, and “love” can be chopped up, reduced, restricted, or contained within a preconceived box of “love”. Form is nothing more than a vehicle, or container, for our relationships. It is the equivalent of a riverbed. The riverbed is the form and the river is the substance that flows through it. Within relationships, the form can take many manifestations (marriage, dating, going out to dinner, sexual expression, etc.). In the game of fear, love – the substance of the relationship (I feel love all around me and within me, no matter who I’m with) is diminished in the mind of the perceiver and the form, or container, is significantly magnified. “He has to be tall, she needs to live nearby, he should make a lot of money for me to be interested.” Again, this version of relationship is completely upside down. The game of fear teaches that love exists when the form you have predetermined in your mind appears, and it ceases to exist when the form or container changes or goes away. Here’s an example of what I mean. Every day when Sandy’s husband comes home from work, he gives her a kiss on the cheek. One day, he comes home and does not kiss her. Sandy immediately jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong with their relationship. The kiss is part of the form she created to house love. She doesn’t allow for the fact that he might be preoccupied or not feeling well and his “slight” has nothing to do with his feelings for her. Just as people confuse fear with love – confuse what is in another time with what is now, what is without for what is within – they also misunderstand what is permanent with what is temporary; confusing the substance of love with the various forms love takes. There are two kinds of relationships in this world: the special love relationship and the holy relationship. The special love relationship is under the guidance of the voice of fear and is nothing more than two sets of expectations that come together to live in frustration. It is a relationship where two people are seeking “completion” and “love” within each other. The holy relationship is a dynamic where two people come together to become aware of the already established substance of love flowing freely through the relationship. The former brings pain; the latter brings peace. We are going to look at these two kinds of relationships fully in the text of the third rule. The special love relationship is dedicated to its own self-assured destruction, which is often manifested in the form of today’s idea of romantic love but also found among family and close friends. Of course, the “special love relationship” does not know this because it perceives thoughts of fear to be thoughts of love; it unconsciously believes that the foundation of the relationship is fear, while professing consciously that it is founded upon “true love.” This kind of relationship is wrought with pain and suffering and is the premier model of relationship that the voice of fear uses to attract you. It provides all the glitter, shine, pomp, and circumstance to reel you in before it gouges you with a lie. All of us have had these kinds of relationships. Here’s one example that might sound familiar: Jane meets Albert at the gym after weeks of experiencing butterflies in her stomach whenever she looked into his eyes. Before long they are dating and become “a couple.” Each experiences all of the glitter of “true love.” However, after about a year (after opening the “gift”) Jane finds out that her lover has lied to her. He’s been seeing another woman on the sly and no longer “loves” her. He wants to break up. Jane is devastated because their “true love” is now something not true. Jane has just been gouged with a lie, an illusion of love, and to whatever extent she loved, she now grieves.

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This book will show you how to translate these pain-producing relationships into holy relationships by reassigning to the relationship its true function. The holy relationship is the only one made of real love. It provides everything you’ve been searching for but have not found: love, harmony, peace, and a joy so replete it transcends anything you have ever experienced. The true definition of a soul mate can be found within the holy relationship. The world had confused love with attachments to the forms love takes, specifically the special love relationship. After you have finished reading this book, you will know how to tell the difference between substance and form, and a holy relationship from a special love relationship. Then, you will discover how to release your attachment to the forms love takes, and attach yourself instead to the substance of love itself. The third rule of love’s game – love is substance – is very liberating when it is realized.

Fourth Rule

This is where the third lie in the game of fear progresses to the fourth. When expressions (forms) of love change, which they naturally do, something or someone must be punished. Just take a look at most relationships within this world. When love within any relationship appears to be under siege, or diminishing, what follows? Divorce, separation, distance, silence, vindictiveness, etc. – all subtle forms of punishment. The degree of punishment is different for everyone. Allison, for instance, had been subtly punishing her husband, Walton, for years. She didn’t call it punishment, of course, but a “sacrifice of love.” Walton worked for a busy government agency. Some evenings he would be late for dinner because of his heavy workload and responsibilities. Allison hated his job but, because it provided a good salary, Allison kept her mouth shut. Allison, feeling guilty for not being forthright with her husband about his job, suppressed the guilt but projected it upon her husband. “I’m not guilty; he is!” So, the few times a week that Walton would call to say he would be late, Allison would call him before he left work with a list of errands. Walton was not the best at the grocery store and always missed something on the list (which Allison knew). When he did, she punished him because of it. “Oh, you forgot the sugar. Nice.” In other words, you are not fulfilling my expectation of you and this is the back door way of letting you know. This anecdote is an example of how we punish those we love when they fall short of our expectation sometimes subtly, like Allison, or not so subtly. When you believe someone is going to provide you with love and provides you with pain instead, the natural response of most people is punishment because he or she did not fulfill the “promise” of love. “Someone must be punished because of ‘my pain.’” What follows is the fourth lie – love is punishment. Underlying the element of punishment is guilt. We are going to explore together why guilt is so important in keeping the game of fear intact, why it is the glue that holds its dynamic together, and how it arose within our thinking. Briefly, the people in a special love relationship often feel guilt because in just being themselves, they sometimes step outside of the container of love. “You didn’t kiss me when I came home today. What have I done to cause this?” Guilt is the natural product of believing you or the other person have done something to damage the relationship, not what we are actually feeling guilty about. The reason people who play the game of fear are in pain is because they are punishing themselves for the guilt they feel. The guilty will always set up a scenario in which they punish themselves and eventually others. For those who want to end this painful cycle, the alternative rules in The Game of Love are here for you. The fourth rule in our new game is love is freedom,

7 including freedom from punishment and guilt. Freedom follows innocence as surely as punishment follows guilt. In the fourth chapter, you are going to learn how to be free, how to walk out of the prison of guilt, fear, pain, and attack, and lock the door behind you forever. You are going to be given the specific tools to release yourself and others from bondage.

Fifth Rule

After going through this cycle of sabotage, the game of fear introduces its final blow: love is destruction. This cycle of fear that sabotages your relationships will continue until you recognize it as such. This chapter will reveal how to recognize it, and change how you can transcend this painful cycle of sabotage. If you place your belief in the game of fear’s upside-down belief set, you will inevitably reach the point where you believe that love is actually fear, and fear is all around you. The voice of fear has taught you that in order for love to stay alive you must accept, without question, all of its lies. These lies put out the flames of love while pretending to be stoking its fires. Your relationships are not working because you are playing the game by the wrong rules. You are listening to a guide who is not leading you to your destination of love. Where has this guide led you? It has blinded you from the reality and comfort of love. It has left you wanting. This chosen guide of fear has brought you its pleasures but not without an equal amount of pain attached. It has led you to the belief that love exists only where you want it to exist. However, this chapter will show you how to lay down the yardstick of judgment, and when those judgments based in time and space are released, what remains in only love. Furthermore, this chapter is devoted to giving you practical exercises that will help you realize that love is everywhere, and it will show you how to access it within yourself and others, using the same tools you will use in your “personal” relationships. You cannot experience love in just one relationship. In order for love to be experienced, it must be continually given away, with nothing due. In this chapter, the true definition of a “soul-mate” is given. It is a stark contrast to the definition the world gives of this remarkable dynamic. Here, you will be shown the next step in your understanding: that there is a feeling of love beyond the dual emotions of love and fear. You will be shown how to feel that love to the exclusion of no one. This book is dedicated to the goal of revealing to you the fact that love cannot be destroyed. You were born into this world to create a greater awareness of love within you first, and then extend it to the world. The fifth rule in The Game of Love, love is creation, will reveal to you a way of creating and multiplying your experiences of love.

Let’s Begin “The Game of Love”

I’ve titled this book The Game of Love because I believe that there is a game people can play that will take them to a higher awareness of love’s presence. My intent is to offer an alternative approach in a game more sane and reasonable than our currently held and deeply revered model. However, let me state up front that love is not a game. Love is an eternal essence that resides within every one of us. The shifting, changing, and inconstant world of games does not affect it. It is unchanged and forever unchanging. It is always available to anyone who cares to recognize and embrace it. It is not a lofty ideal beyond our reach. Love is real and within everyone. It can be recognized and employed in compelling ways.

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Love is the objective of the game but not the game itself. The game is simply the means by which the awareness of love is experienced and shared with everyone. Once this objective has been met, the need for games is over. All concepts of giving, taking, winning, and losing become meaningless because love knows no loss and takes nothing from anyone. It only gives eternally and unconditionally. The Game of Love will only be successful to the degree that you are open to having your already established mental boundaries stretched. You must be willing to question everything you have been taught about love, romance, sex, marriage, and relationships of every kind. You must be continually willing to think outside the box. We are closely looking at the game of fear because we are afraid that we might be playing it. In writing this book, there were times when I would procrastinate on a certain section, not wanting to go there, putting it off. I was afraid of my own teaching. I was afraid of where it would take me. I did not want to have to look at this thing called fear because I was terrified that I might uncover some horrible darkness within me. Instead, what I found was love. I did what I was afraid to do, and the fear disappeared. It is only by not looking at the world of fear that it is kept intact. The Game of Love is not mine, nor is it original. It is ours, and it is ancient. The truth of love resides in the core of every being that walks this planet. In the very deep recesses of our being, underneath the thoughts, beliefs, and preconceived ideas that we have covered it with, is love itself, waiting to be unveiled. I’m not offering you another version of “McLove.” You’ve heard it all before. This book is different. I invite you to allow your own beliefs about love to be questioned. Why wouldn’t you want them to be? If they are steadfast, they will hold up under scrutiny. If they are not, they will fall. Either way, you win. Are you ready now to let go of what has never worked? Good…so here we go, and let’s have some real fun playing the game of love the new way, by changing the rules, healing all of your relationships, and making new ones free of fear and dysfunction!

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