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A Dixie Christmas Carol 1 Dixie Christmas Carol 1 A DIXIE CHRISTMAS CAROL by Charles Dickens Adapted by Orson Scott Card Copyright © 2000 Orson Scott Card, All Rights Reserved. 1 OLD JOE, incredibly old, is sitting in silence facing the audience. He has a small writing table next to him; he is holding a quill pen that rests on the paper. ANNIE FLAMMER enters, comes up behind him. She circles him -- he doesn't react. Behind him, she makes faces at him. MRS. DILBER enters with a sack over her shoulder. DILBER Is he poorly? ANNIE holds the current grimace, wheels to face Dilber, then turns back. DILBER My laws, what a purty little thing you is. DILBER sets down bag. DILBER (Hopefully) Is he dead? Dixie Christmas Carol 2 ANNIE (sniffs the air, grimaces) He must be breathin' -- it smells like a wet hound dog in here. DILBER Talk to him nice, Annie, or you won't get a dime. ANNIE Two bits or the time of day, I ain't gettin' neither. DILBER (gleeful) You got nothin', didn't you! Enter BEN WIGGLE, Undertaker. ANNIE And how could I? They was always somebody there moanin' an' cryin'. WIGGLE All them folks howlin' like a bunch of cats won't bring him back. That ol' boy's dead as your old toenails. DILBER Dead as a doornail, you mean. WIGGLE Lawsy, Mrs. Dilber, ain't we smart today. I say he's dead as your old toenails, an' I reckon doornails ain't no deader. Huh? Huh? DILBER Excuse the undeription, Mister Ben Wiggle, sir. WIGGLE I say what good is it havin' friends drippin' all them tears on your coffin. Does the water make him grow? ANNIE It does. WIGGLE scowls. ANNIE It makes him grow moldy! DILBER (laughing unroariously) Oh, she's as smart as a pig in pants, Wiggle. She put one over on you! Dixie Christmas Carol 3 OLD JOE seizes his ink-bottle and throws it arthritically to the ground. The sound freezes them all, and DILBER looks with fear toward the unmoving figure. DILBER Oh, we're sorry sir. WIGGLE Yes, sir, we offer you our most deepest appendectomies. ANNIE We won't make another peep. They gather together, sudden allies in the darkness. They wait a moment, then OLD JOE taps his pen. All three leap forward at once, but it's ANNIE that gets the ink- bottle and puts it on the writing-stand. Then MRS. DILBER opens her bag. DILBER I didn't get much. Just two old shirts. ANNIE (outraged) Where'd you get those? I looked all over! DILBER In a bag on the front step. He was given' 'em to the poor. WIGGLE Yes, sir, that's us, and we got 'em. DILBER I got 'em! A tap from the pen. They become quiet, and WIGGLE reads what Old Joe has written WIGGLE Four bits. DILBER Four bits! (Catches herself, says with an edge) Thank you, sir. Four bits, oh, that's a magubrious payment for all my hard work. ANNIE It's four bits more than I get, 'cause I got nothin', Mr. Joe, an' lucky to get away with that much. All them people there. WIGGLE Weepin' and moanin'. Dixie Christmas Carol 4 DILBER And cryin'. WIGGLE That's weepin'. ANNIE So what did you get, Ben Wiggle? WIGGLE Mr. Wiggle to dogs and little children. I got as much as you, and for the same reason. Also there wasn't nothin' to take. I got to him with his wallet still on him! DILBER With his wallet! WIGGLE But it was empty as a churchmouse. DILBER Empty as a churchmouse? Oh, he's a genius, he is. ANNIE Somebody beat you to it? WIGGLE No, he gave all his money away. He died without a cent on him, and so I'm poor as dirt for another day. DILBER I always heard he was a rich man! WIGGLE Sure, he made money, but it slipped right out of his hands. Gave it all away to every beggar with a teary tale. DILBER Him, give away? I remember when he wouldn't spit on the sidewalk less'n somebody paid him fifty cents for irrigatin'. WIGGLE Yes, ma'am, he's changed. Powerful changed. He died with a smile, they say. DILBER I heard of him as a stingy old miser. WIGGLE That he was, till a few odd Christmases ago. Then of a sudden he turned from the devil into Father Christmas. ANNIE Fine Christmas he's given us. Dixie Christmas Carol 5 DILBER Only way I'll get me a bite of Christmas ham is if I kiss me a pig. WIGGLE All thanks to cheerful Mr. Scrooge! Generous Mr. Scrooge. ANNIE (kneels) Can't you spare a nickel, Mr. Scrooge, to buy an orphan girl a bowl of grits at Christmastime? SCROOGE entering. SCROOGE Go away! (scornfully) Christmas grits! WIGGLE A merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge! SCROOGE Humbug! An excuse to take money from an honest working gentleman. DILBER (smiling) God bless you, this Christmas! SCROOGE Bah! The three giggle, and retreat to a corner. SCROOGE addresses Joe. SCROOGE You, sir, at least you have sense to be silent. Christmas. National give-away day. National rob-the-rich day. National do-your- duty-to-the-lazy-poor day. Humbug! 2 Scrooge takes his place at his desk. Moments later, Cratchit rushes in, hangs his coat on the hook, and sits at his high stool. He opens his account book, dips his pen in the inkwell, and acts for all the world as if he has been at work all morning. SCROOGE looks, up, clears his throat. CRATCHIT (cheerful) Morning, Mr. Scrooge. Dixie Christmas Carol 6 SCROOGE Get to work. You're late. CRATCHIT (immediately humble) Two minutes, sir. I'm sorry. SCROOGE Getting to be a habit. Maybe it's time to look for someone who wants to work. CRATCHIT Oh, I want to work, sir. SCROOGE Then stop talking and do it. Scrooge's nephew FRED enters. FRED Good morning, Uncle! FRED offers his hand to SCROOGE, who ignores it. After a moment, Fred rubs his hands together to warm them up. He finds the place chilly in more than one sense. But he speaks with good humor. FRED Is this an ice-house? Uncle, your nose is blue. SCROOGE Coal is up to a dollar fifteen. FRED (teasing) So you've decided to freeze to death. That'll show 'em! Cratchit laughs -- then turns it into a cough as Scrooge glowers. FRED Tomorrow is Christmas day, Uncle Ebenezer. And I've come to wish you a merry one, and say, "God bless you." SCROOGE (pause) Bah! Humbug! FRED Christmas a humbug, Uncle? You don't mean that. Dixie Christmas Carol 7 SCROOGE I don't say things that I don't mean. Merry Christmas. What right do you have to be merry? You're poor enough. FRED Then what reason do you have to be dismal? You're rich enough! SCROOGE Bah! FRED Don't be cross, Uncle. SCROOGE What else can I be, when I live in a world of fools? Merry Christmas! What's Christmas to you but a time of paying debts without money; a time for finding yourself a year older and not an hour richer? If I had my way, every idiot who goes around saying 'Merry Christmas' would be hung from the top of his own Christmas tree and buried with a stake of holly through his heart! FRED Uncle! SCROOGE Nephew! Keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine. FRED But you don't keep it! SCROOGE Let me leave it alone, then! A lot of good it's ever done you. FRED There's a lot of things that's done me good without making me a penny of profit, Christmas among the rest. But I've always thought of Christmas as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of in the long calendar of the year when men and women, by one consent, freely open their closed-up hearts; and treat people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And there, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it! CRATCHIT applauds, then realizes where he is and immediately returns to writing. Dixie Christmas Carol 8 SCROOGE Let me hear another sound from you, and you'll keep Christmas by losing your job! (to Fred) You're quite the speaker, sir. I'm surprised you don't run for the Congress! FRED Don't be sore at me, Uncle. Come and dine with us tomorrow. SCROOGE I'll see you roasted first! FRED Why? SCROOGE Why did you marry a poor girl? FRED (simply) Because I fell in love. SCROOGE Because you fell in love! Good morning. FRED You never visited me before I got married. How can that be your reason now? SCROOGE Good morning! FRED I want nothing from you. You won't lose a dime by coming. Why can't we be friends? SCROOGE Good morning. FRED I'm sorry, with all my heart. We've never had any quarrel -- at least I haven't. But I gave it a try on account of the season, and I'll keep my Christmas spirit to the last.
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